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Practical Chats for Intentional Living
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Monday May 27, 2019
Monday May 27, 2019
55. Bridging the Gap Between Military and Civilian Families with Licensed Professional Counselor, Author, Podcaster, and 2015 Military Spouse of the Year, Corie Weathers
**Transcription Below**
Proverbs 27:17 (NIV) “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
Corie Weathers is a wife, mother, licensed professional counselor, speaker, consultant and author of Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage. In 2015, Corie was named the 2015 Armed Forces Insurance Military Spouse of the Year® where she advocated for mental health issues and served as a media correspondent. Today, Corie continues to encourage others through her inspirational blog and podcast. She also serves as an Ambassador for the Chris Kyle Frog Foundation serving military and first responder families and volunteers with the Red Cross training mental health professionals to be more culturally competent in their work with military and first responders.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.comand affiliated sites.
Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage by Corie Weathers
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: I want to say thank you to our sponsor, FabFitFun. If you want to learn more about their seasonal subscription boxes, which include over $200 worth of full-size products, but cost you only $49.99, visit them at FabFitFun.com. And if you use the coupon code SAVVY at checkout, you'll receive $10 off your first box.
Today we're bringing back Corie Weathers. She is a wife, mother, licensed professional counselor, author, and podcaster, and she's previously been named Military Spouse of the Year. We're going to learn more about her journey and hear some surprising ways to bridge the gap between civilians and military families.
I apologize for my cold today, and I hope that it does not distract you from this great interview with Corie Weathers.
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Corie.
Corie Weathers: Thanks for having me, Laura. [00:01:19]
Laura Dugger: Well, it's such an honor to have you join us today. Can you just start us off by providing a little bit of your backstory?
Corie Weathers: Yeah, absolutely. So I am a licensed professional counselor. It's something that I've always wanted to do and to work with marriages has always been a huge dream of mine. What I did not anticipate was that I would be doing that for the military community and the first responder community.
My husband and I met in college, and we thought we were going to go more so into the ministry or go into the academic field of teaching college-level courses and all of that. Then one day my husband came and said he wanted to be an Army chaplain, which completely threw me. And it took me about a year to get on board. But once we got on board together on that it has completely altered our life.
We are full-blown in the ministry of really serving military and veteran. My work has also expanded to first responders. So he is an army chaplain, active duty. We're currently in South Carolina. He is an instructor where he actually trains up chaplains. [00:02:22]
So if you can imagine taking your local pastor and put a uniform on them and take them out into the woods and throw grenades at them, that's kind of what my husband gets to do. I'm sure it's a lot more work than just that. But that's where we are right now.
I know we're going to get into this a little bit more later, but it's been a roller coaster ride of fun. And it is just my joy. My goal, honestly, is to breathe life into military and first responder families because of it being such a lifestyle of stress. That's the fastest way that I can give you a background.
Laura Dugger: For anybody who hasn't used that term frequently, who are you specifically talking about when you say first responders?
Corie Weathers: It's very interesting. You know, we really had been focusing for about the last 10 years on just military families because my husband being a chaplain, you know, we're assigned to anywhere between 400, sometimes, you know, even up to a thousand families at once. So it's not your typical role, like a pastor of a church kind of role. [00:03:24] A chaplain's role is very unique.
My husband's family comes from a long line of police officers, and so we've always kind of had a passion for first responders. I found recently that when we say first responders, we include police officers, SWAT teams, firefighters, EMS workers, paramedics. Anybody that responds to a crisis on the civilian local level in their communities is what we call first responders.
So we found so many similarities between what our first responders' experience of life and marriage is like compared to military. Bringing those two together has been a really easy, seamless kind of work, if that makes sense.
Laura Dugger: Oh, definitely. That is so interesting to hear the parallels between the two. In 2015, you were named Military Spouse of the Year. So how has your life changed since winning that title?
Corie Weathers: Believe it or not, when we first got into the military, our first assignment, our first initiation into the military culture was quite intense. [00:04:27] We didn't know that at the time. We thought that it was just kind of the normal Army experience. But our first deployment was very intense where we lost a lot of our soldiers, did a lot of work within that community, worked with a lot of what we call Gold Star families, which is basically a family who's lost their service members.
So part of my role was to deliver support and kind of sit with that family when they first received their news of losing their soldier. A lot of that work leading up to 2015 was really focused on really pouring into this community in a very intense way.
My husband actually came across a tweet one day, we kind of joke at each other and say, Wow, it's amazing what a little tweet can do. But he came across a tweet that said, Nominate your spouse for Military Spouse of the Year. And he thought at the time, you know, Corie's done a lot of work and she deserves a really great pat on the back and a certificate.
So he nominated me for Military Spouse of the Year. We had no idea what that really meant. The general population, including civilians and military, vote on these different military spouses who've done really amazing things. [00:05:36]
So I went on to win Military Spouse of the Year for my installation, our post, our Army post. And then from there, I was voted and kind of won this Army Spouse of the Year. And then that led up to one major event in Washington, D.C., where the winner of each branch, so we had Army, Marines, Coast Guard, National Guard, Air Force, I think I hit all that, and Navy. So the six of us all come together and they announce the overall Military Spouse of the Year for that year at a big ceremony in Washington, D.C. And so in 2015, I was given that name, the 2015 Military Spouse of the Year.
As far as how my life has changed, it has changed drastically. It felt like falling from the sky without a parachute. A lot of military spouses really serve in the shadows and in the background, and we kind of are chameleons. Wherever we go, it's how can we serve and who do you need me to be. [00:06:35]
Military Spouse of the Year really put me in the spotlight. I mean, the next morning after winning that award, I was on the Today Show sitting next to Hoda and Kathie Lee and having a conversation with them about the military world, and so many other things. You know, opportunities to speak to other military families across the nation, speak with a lot of our higher ranking officials in D.C. about the military culture and how we can make it better.
But ultimately, I will say the biggest part of my year was the Secretary of Defense Ashton Carter at the time... Now the Secretary of Defense is who we nickname him Mad Dog. I don't think he likes that, but Mad Dog Mattis is our current Secretary of Defense. But before that was Ashton Carter. He took me along with him on his holiday tour to visit troops overseas to allow me to see deployment conditions.
They realized that they had never taken a military spouse that wasn't an employee of theirs in the office to see what it's like actually overseas in deployment. [00:07:38] Like we always have kind of these snapshot pictures, just like every American does. You know, we see on the news, the welcome home ceremonies. We see, you know, our soldiers, you know, with their picture taken in front of some mountains or in the sand or whatever. And that's our only understanding of deployment.
So, over the course of about seven days or so, I visited Turkey, two places in Iraq, Afghanistan, and then was on two different aircraft carriers in the Persian Gulf, which really allowed me to see all of our branches working together—Navy, Marines, Air Force, Army—all at once for the causes that we're fighting overseas on. And so it was a truly remarkable experience that literally changed my life.
Laura Dugger: Oh, I can't even imagine. I'm sure it was surreal on some level.
Corie Weathers: It was absolutely surreal.
Laura Dugger: But now you've lived on two very different sides. You've both served at home while your husband traveled and then, like you said, you experienced this season of travel for yourself. So what did you learn from being in both of those roles? [00:08:43]
Corie Weathers: It was truly a remarkable experience because I think even if you're not in the military, all of us have this kind of the grass is greener on the other side. And it's really easy for us to, whether we look across the street at our neighbor and say, wow, I wish I had a little piece of their life or even looking at our spouse's experience.
And I know even as a stay-at-home mom, I have been in that situation where my kids were young and there was part of me that was like, I just want to get out of this house and do something fun. And I see my husband going off to work every day, and gee, that looks amazing, right?
And so I think as a military spouse, also having been through deployment, of course, I wasn't necessarily wanting to experience war and I wasn't necessarily wanting to go on a vacation to Afghanistan. But there was a part of me that really kind of wanted to do something exciting, that really wanted to experience my potential and my purpose. [00:09:40] And I'm wondering if I was going to find that outside of what I was presently doing at the time.
And so I think this whole experience, the Military Spouse of the Year experience, the trip with Ashton Carter, and even some of the other experiences that I've had, I got to go to Japan and work with spouses there, and I think that what it really taught me was that there are times when God opens up definitely a circle of influence. And I think that that happens in seasons.
I can look back now when I was raising toddlers and say to myself, I wish that I could give myself or gift myself really patience. I was so rushed and so anxious to see something else, do something else. It doesn't mean I didn't love my kids and enjoy what I was doing.
But I think that most people listening can relate that, you know, no matter what you're presently working on, you're always wanting that next thing. [00:10:33] Like when you're in school, I can't wait till I'm out of school. When I'm out of school, I can't wait till, you know, people in this field actually listen to me, right? Or that I have something to give back or, you know, wherever you are in that season.
And so I think for me it did a couple of things. I think, one, it slowed my heart down to make me realize that as much as I even still love the opportunities that I get to travel and speak with different groups of people, and I know now that my gifting that God has called me to is in teaching and speaking, that when I'm there, I want to be home. And when I'm home, there's always a part of me that wants to be able to do something outside of the house too. And so I think it helped me realize that I could have both and I could be content with both.
Definitely after that season of 2016 of traveling as much as I did helped me really embrace. Honestly, if I were to be honest with you, Laura, it was a tough season for us. We felt that we were being obedient to do what we are being called to do and what I was being called to do. But it asked a lot of my husband to have a full-time job and kind of hold down the home front while Corie was all over the world. [00:11:40]
It really brought me back to my first calling, which is my marriage and my family. That all these other exciting things were fun and great, but if I did them to the destruction of myself and my family, then none of it was worth it, and it definitely is not a true calling.
And so I think one of the biggest things that I learned was to understand and relate to my husband and have empathy for him, not just for deployments because it definitely gave me perspective on that, but it also gave me perspective on what it's like for him as a husband even to be working a full-time job all the time, having to miss the things that he has to miss.
And that he doesn't really, at least in our home, doesn't really have as much of a choice as I do. That I can kind of slow down at any point and kind of rebalance my priorities and come back home and really give my best at home. But that's, you know, a place where I can have empathy for him. But my first calling has to be to my marriage and my family. [00:12:40]
I think that experiencing that other side made me realize what we all hear is true, but really to experience the truth of the grass isn't necessarily always greener on the other side. Wherever we are, it's our responsibility to grow green grass there, if that makes any sense.
Laura Dugger: That definitely does. I think there's so much wisdom. Many of our listeners are moms, both working and stay at home. Do you have any further encouragement or just wisdom you want to share from what you learned? What would you want to speak to them right now?
Corie Weathers: My boys are now 11 and 14. And I really as a mentor and as kind of up from a mothering perspective to some of the listeners who might be just beginning their families and their babies and toddlers, I'm definitely not going to be that person that says, enjoy it while you can, and it goes so fast.
Because I remember that there are seasons where you are getting thrown up on and pooped on and there are days that you haven't slept for weeks. And so it is a tough season. It really is. And I want to acknowledge that it is a tough season. And that's okay that it's a tough season. [00:13:50]
So I think my encouragement to those that are in that season right now is to be graceful with yourself, be merciful. There is some level of enjoying it. And I think I will say from the perspective of if you find that you have a longing for this thing that you want to do in the future, that that is normal and it's natural and it's not a bad thing to want that. It doesn't make you a bad mom for you to, you know, love raising kids, but also kind of have this kind of stirring on the inside of something that has an additional purpose to your world.
But I think that I would just want to kind of like the way that I would gift myself back then, I think I was very unsettled. And because I'm a professional counselor, I had been through that schooling, I think I thought that taking this break to raise my kids was somehow going to leave me behind in a career or in my purpose somehow. I think I would tell other people that it's not. You're not going to be behind.
That what you're learning on a daily basis, the character stretching, the depth that you're going to have to who you are is only going to add to whatever it is that you're going to do in the future. [00:14:57] So you are not wasting time.
And that whatever gifts and talents God has given you, apply those to your parenting, apply those to your marriage, apply those to your family, and it will, like a snowball effect, expand your influence later. It will be all part of the tapestry, the puzzle, however you want to see that to just relax and enjoy where you are right now and that it's a good place.
Laura Dugger: That is incredible truth. You've just been given such an incredible platform. What message are you most passionate about communicating to the masses?
Corie Weathers: Ooh, that's a good question. You know, I questioned myself on this almost on a daily basis and I'll tell you why. I wish I had the direct quote, but I heard Beth Moore one time, you know, she's a very famous, successful Christian speaker, especially in women's ministry. She said during a talk one time that heaven forbid she ever be called to marriage ministry. And that if she ever felt prompted to go into marriage ministry that she would wait until the last 10 seconds of her life when she's on her deathbed. And that in that last 10 seconds, then she would say, Yes, Lord, I'll do marriage ministry. Then she could die. [00:16:10]
Her reason behind saying that is because it is tough. You know, whatever it is that you do, whatever you're passionate about, you get attacked from all levels and that you're really challenged and you are really stretched in that area. And so my current platform is marriage.
And it doesn't mean that being single that there's not a calling to that. There is definitely a calling to that. And that is a whole other calling of how you're stretched and shaped and finding your purpose in that. And that is a wonderful place.
My current platform is really on marriage because the military and first responder, and there's other communities that have high levels of stress as well, but that community has so many challenges that would rip a couple apart. Deployment, separations, high levels of stress and trauma, and all of that, that I really believe that in order to keep generation strong and to have a strong family tree, that I want to see these marriages stay together. [00:17:12]
Then I really do believe that marriage sharpens individuals like an iron sharpens iron kind of thing, and that we're better people when we're in relationships with people. And so even if there's somebody that's single that's listening to this right now, you know what that's like too. There are certain friendships that sharpen you, that challenge you. There are certain relationships, even with your family members that challenge you.
And so there's something about being in relationship with another person that it really puts a mirror in front of us and we have to address selfishness in our life, we have to become better people. And to me, marriage is part of what brings up future generations that really want their marriages to succeed too. And so that is my current platform. And I ask myself on a daily basis, why am I doing that?
Laura Dugger: But we're so glad you are. It's helping so many. Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: You've mentioned that one of your gifts is teaching. So will you just teach us how military families in America are both unique and similar to civilian families?
Corie Weathers: Yeah, that's such a big question, and I'll try to keep that concise because that could be our whole conversation. But I will say military families, we're humans too, and we are just like civilian families as well. So, you know, we still have life issues, family issues, similar arguments in marriage, similar challenges. You know, we experience America together with you, right? We watch the news. We experience so many things on a daily basis that are the same.
I would say there are some big differences though too, and there is what we call a military-civilian divide. Now, I don't necessarily think that one side or the other creates and maintains that divide. I think it's just an experience of not understanding because we don't know what it's like. [00:20:30]
For example, I have no idea what it's like to live in one house my whole life or much less one town. And there's a lot of civilians that move a lot as well, and so they can relate to the military lifestyle in that. Civilians, I hear from civilians that they say, I can barely get through watching our kids by myself for two days if my husband is gone, much less thinking about how to do that for an entire year.
So there are some big differences. For a lot of our active-duty military families, they move or relocate on average about every two to three years unless they're like a special forces type of community where sometimes they can kind of stay put. But most active-duty military families move every two to three years, and that can be especially challenging.
We have to find new friends. There is no such thing as a church home. I have no idea what that must be like to be in relationship with the same people for years and years, in the same small group even for years and years, and to develop and shape and sharpen ourselves in those relationships and serve the same community year after year. [00:21:37] And so that really sets us apart.
And I think because of that, military families tend to be very intense. And so if I were to kind of give you what's the biggest difference that civilians might see from military families, the big takeaway that I would want to tell civilians as you kind of find yourself in contact with a military family is that military families are very intense. And that's why we personally love doing ministry with them because they're intense and they're raw and they're gritty and they're very real. There is no mask, really. There is no pretense.
And the reason for that is because we come into a community and we need friends quickly. I need to know where my support system is quickly. And once I identify who that support system is, we're going to start relying on each other very quickly because within a year, we're going to be talking about moving again.
So to give you an example, I am looking out my window right now across the street. I'm in a civilian neighborhood. We live off post, off the installation for this current assignment. And when I look to my right, I see one neighbor's house that I have not even met them yet. We've been living here since December. [00:22:42]
On the left, there's another neighbor that just moved in and I happened to see the truck pull up with all of their goods and I noticed that on the truck were crates, which signaled to me that's a military family. I immediately went over there and within 20 minutes, I knew their name, all the places that they had been assigned to. I knew their rules in their house. I knew their kids' names. I had already offered to buy them groceries.
And I know within an hour of meeting that person, if they are going to be a support system for me and whether they are going to use me as a support system, whether or not I trust my kids to go in their house. She could text me any second and say, Hey, I need help with a gallon of milk and I'm right on top of it.
So I think that civilians can kind of meet military families and feel like it's really intense and maybe a little bit much too quick. Because I read an article that said in the civilian community, it takes about 20 hours to claim somebody as an acquaintance and about, I think it was 200 hours with somebody before we would call them friends. That blew my mind because in the military community, we don't have time for that. We have to, in order to survive and find our support systems, we have to move much faster. [00:23:56]
And so I think we kind of get a wall with civilians when they're like, wow, that's too much, too soon. I don't know how to handle that. And that's where I think we feel a little bit of that divide. So it is two different kinds of cultures. The military community, it's almost like... as a chaplain family, at least, it's like we're doing missionary work with an African tribe in America. So it's almost like a tribe within a tribe, all in one country, if that makes sense.
Laura Dugger: Yes. And there's so many cultural things to break down there that's so interesting. Just a little bit of our story. My husband and I are both civilians, have never been a part of the military, but we've moved nine times in nine years of marriage. And we are drawn to other couples and families that are transient as well because they'll go deep fast.
Corie Weathers: Yes
Laura Dugger: So that's really interesting to hear your take on it.
Corie Weathers: You know, I think that that is the one thing that I try to convey to both sides is that there doesn't have to be a military-civilian divide because I think that there are so many civilians that understand the military lifestyle. [00:25:02] It's just part of the conversations. And so being able to say, Oh my goodness, I've moved a lot too. I totally know what that's like and being able to reach out to those military families that you know, that you identify with.
And even if you've stayed put in one place, if you are near a military installation or especially if you're not near a military installation, there are still active military families in your community that are National Guard and Reserve, that they do stay put in your communities, but they still feel different and they still don't have that support network.
And so being able to reach out to some of those families to be able to go, Hey, do you need a church to go to? Do you need support or whatever? Or just, I'm curious about your life and what that's like for you guys to be both civilians in the civilian world and yet still military. Starting those conversations can go a long way to bridge that gap.
Laura Dugger: What are some of the sacrifices military families make, which we as civilians may be unaware of? [00:26:01]
Corie Weathers: I think there's a lot of basic sacrifices that I think Americans do understand. I think everybody loves a good soldier coming home story. And that's one place that I think that we feel really loved by the American community. We like weep openly as well when we see one of those soldiers welcome home, surprise his kid at school, welcome back things of videos or whatever. And the fact that America loves to see those stories as well makes a huge difference.
So I think as far as the quiet sacrifices, I would definitely say for our active duty community, for sure, I can't even stress to you how difficult it can be to live that transient lifestyle and not have a church home, to not have that solid, stable community. And so it's a huge sacrifice that our military spouses and their children make.
Just to give you an example, for some reason, the Weathers family, we have been moving on average every year and a half for the past five years. [00:27:02] So we haven't even been able to stay put for more than two years. In our current place, we will move 18 months. So it'll be a year and a half. And we are moving to Kansas where we're only going to be there for a year and then they'll move us again.
That is a huge sacrifice to ask children to go through. It all comes down to the calling. We get a lot of people that say, well, why do you do it if it's so hard? Then why stay in? But that would be like asking a family to stop doing what they love to do and what they're built to do and what they are content doing simply because life is hard.
And so asking your kids... so for example, my son is going into ninth grade and he's been in eight schools already. Same thing for my younger son, who's going into sixth grade, has been in five schools. So when my son graduated elementary school, he graduated with honors, with great, wonderful grades, and I loved what my husband wrote in a card as kind of like a congratulation card he gave him on graduation day. Because I know they're doing these big things now where you have to do this huge graduation just for elementary school. I'm not really sure why. It's crazy.
But he put in the card, "You think that you are graduating from this one elementary school today, but make no mistake, you're graduating with honors from five elementary schools. You're not only in the top of your class from this school. This is you being at the top of your class compared to five schools and hundreds of kids." [00:28:31] And being able to point that out to a military kid to go, You've been through a lot. You've sacrificed a lot. Your hard work is noticed. I think that would be some of the sacrifices.
I think if there's one more that I could point out, especially if you live near a military community, an installation, you just never know where somebody is at. When your spouse is deployed and you're months and months into single parenting, you just feel like you're an exposed nerve that's walking around. And if you just happen to see a mom with her kids, especially if they're small kids and she's by herself, you just never know if they're going through a deployment where they're at.
Because I remember there were times that just somebody saying, how's your day going? That I just burst into tears. Because it was like, somebody actually asked me how I was doing? Or because those emotions are so right under the surface, just one little prick brings out a lot. And so you just never know what that single mom that you see in your community is actually going through and what they may actually be sacrificing.
Laura Dugger: That's just humbling to hear the sacrifices.
I just want to let you know what Lobukia wrote on iTunes. "My favorite podcast. Host asks great questions and guests are great. Love the practical tips." These readings and reviews help gain more sponsors so that we can continue the work of The Savvy Sauce podcast. [00:29:56]
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Should we as civilians be aware of any wrongful assumptions that we make or even hurtful questions that we unintentionally ask?
Corie Weathers: You know, I thank you for asking that question because we don't get asked that question a lot. I actually did an interview with, his name is Chaplain Timothy Mallard. He's a subject matter expert in moral and soul injury. And he brought up something that I definitely related to where He said, sometimes the civilian-military divide widens when civilians come up to military and say the generic, "Thank you for your service".
That's so hard for me to say because I think every civilian who comes up to a military member and says that has complete, genuine, positive things in mind when they're doing that. [00:30:59] They're genuinely thanking them. Otherwise, they wouldn't be coming up to us and saying it. So I definitely wouldn't want civilians to go, well, if that's how they feel, I'm not going to say anything at all.
I think that what widens that misunderstanding or the feeling of misunderstanding is, and this is going to sound harsh and I'm just going to kind of be honest, is just that if that's all you know to say, then it does come across as very general. I don't know what else to say so I'll just say that.
And so my encouragement to those that are listening that maybe don't have much connection to the military is, by all means, definitely thank those military members or family members that you come across. But I would just encourage you to maybe say something a little bit more than just thank you.
So for example, the other day we were out to dinner and this one older couple came up to us and struck up a conversation and I knew it was kind of leading to the "thank you for your service". But instead, he actually said that he was prior service and he understood our lifestyle and he just wanted to say thank you for what we are going through every day. [00:32:03]
So being able to actually put it into your own words and say, it's okay for civilians to even say, I have no idea what it's like for you guys to live this lifestyle, but I've heard that you sacrifice a lot and that matters to me, and so I just want to say thank you. That's so much better than thank you for your service.
I think other assumptions that we often hear, kind of going back to the question that I mentioned before, when people go, well, if it's so hard, then just get out. A lot of family members, if you have service members that are in your family that are serving and you hear those sacrifices, they come home at Christmas and they're talking about it, I hear from a lot of military families that that's one of their biggest pet peeves is family members will say, well, if it's so tough, just get out. Like, why don't you just get out?
Well, part of it is we've signed on for a certain period of time. It might be four years, it could be 10 years, or maybe somebody loves this so much that they're in it for the long haul and are going for retirement at 20 or even 30 years. And so in a lot of ways, you can't just pull the plug and say, I quit. [00:33:02] You've made a commitment and it's something that you have to finish.
A lot of the military members, though, too, especially special forces, but all of us have deep values in common. So loyalty, respect, responsibility, integrity. And so just quitting when life gets tough... you know, you don't want your service members quitting on a mission when it's tough. So it's really ingrained in us that in the tough stuff is where the fight is. And even for family members, where the fight is, is a mission that we're going to push through.
So it's not within our culture to quit things. We don't quit during a deployment. We don't quit on our day. We don't quit in our kids when life is hard. We dig deep and we push through. And that's what I think makes us a really strong and very connected culture. So it's easy to say, if it's tough, then just leave it or just come back home to your hometown. But so many military families have seen so much of the world and seen so many different kinds of communities that they have a very difficult time coming back even to their hometown and feeling like they fit in because they've changed so much since then. [00:34:12]
Laura, I think one other question that I think is obvious that I think would be helpful to say is there's always the few people that, out of curiosity, ask the question, especially to a service member, have you ever killed anyone? I know that that seems obvious, like something that you shouldn't ask, but I think just in case there's somebody listening that finds themselves curious, that is definitely never an appropriate question to ask and definitely widens that gap even further.
That is not something that our service members enjoy, not something that they keep notches on their belt of how many times they've been through that. And for many of them, it is a traumatic experience to have to pull that trigger. But they do it because they love their battle buddy next to them, because they love their family, and because they love you and they don't want terrorists or other organizations threatening our country and making you feel less safe.
And so that is a sacrifice that they make to their psyche even for our country. And so asking that question, you will never get a good answer from a service member who's been asked that. [00:35:15]
Laura Dugger: That is so helpful to have such a candid response. And I think hopefully this conversation can help in a small way bridge some of that gap.
Corie Weathers: I hope so.
Laura Dugger: And you've alluded to this a little bit, but sometimes coming across very generic, I understand that could create more of a divide. But is there a tangible or helpful way that we can express gratitude?
Corie Weathers: Yeah. I'm smiling that you're asking this question because there's been several times that my husband and I have been out to dinner and having a date night, and then it comes time for the bill and somebody has covered our meal. And we have no clue who did it, but just somebody in the restaurant knew that we were a military couple and paid for our dinner.
I mean, tears coming to my eyes, just even that gift, because those are those moments that you feel deeply seen and that somebody said, You know, they look like they're on a date night. I don't even understand what their marriage has probably been through, so I'm just going to cover their dinner or I'm going to send them a dessert or something and not even take credit for it and not even interrupt whatever it is that they're talking about or going through or their evening. [00:36:23] I know my husband has had that experience several times just out to lunch for a meeting or just even by himself if he's been out to lunch and that's happened.
I think one that you may not hear very often is finding out maybe an installation or someplace where you can find some connections where there is a deployment going on. And so many people want to send care packages to service members, and that's always something that's a great idea to do.
And if you're going to do that, kind of thinking outside the box, not always sending candy, because a lot of our service members really need to stay in shape, and they're really trying to do that overseas. But, you know, sending them things that are comforts of home, not home-baked goods necessarily, but things that they can't easily get overseas. And even asking them, what do you need? And then supply that is always a good idea.
But something that people rarely do is send care packages to the spouse at home. Because she is so busy, focused on sending care packages to her husband, taking care of the kids. [00:37:22] Military spouses very rarely know how to take care of themselves or do a good job taking care of themselves because they are really the glue that holds the whole family together.
And so a huge gift is civilians getting together and saying, let's support the military spouses that are going through deployment. How can we gift them? And it can be anything from sending care packages to them. I know there was one church that set up some people within the church that could do oil changes for cars and then invited military spouses to bring their cars and have their oil changed.
Or, you know, finding out who those spouses are if they live off an installation and offering to mow their grass for them. I mean, can you imagine your spouse is gone for an entire year and you have toddlers and you have to figure out how to mow your grass? So just little things like that that serve that family, believe it or not, is the best way that you can support that community.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's really helpful to have these specific examples. You've written a book which is titled Sacred Spaces: My Journey to the Heart of Military Marriage. Can you just share more about your experiences leading up to the decision to write this book? [00:38:33]
Corie Weathers: I never intended actually on writing a book. It came out of my trip with Ashton Carter when I was going overseas. The original goal during that trip was for me to convey back home to as many military families as possible what I was experiencing as if they were there with me.
And so during the trip, I was doing these very raw YouTube videos expressing all the emotions and all of the sensory things that I was experiencing on a daily basis to somehow give them something different than maybe their soldier had given them in the past. And how it was changing me because service members are trained up to do this, but it's different for a spouse to just impromptu go over.
I was also writing these blogs that would kind of go with each day, but I very quickly was realizing I was taking in so much information and learning so much so fast that I could not contain it in a YouTube video or a blog. So much of that trip was changing me and changing my marriage and how I saw my husband and how I understood how he had come home different after that first deployment, that that's where it turned into a book. [00:39:41]
I basically pulled it all together and sent it to the publisher and said, I don't know if you can make anything of this, but I think this is a book. To which their reply was, yes, get going. So the book actually was written in about a three-week span, which was almost like a Jackson Pollock crazy thing that I went through where I was in the basement writing in my office at the time and my husband's shoveling coffee to me constantly for about nine hours every day for about three weeks because I just felt this compulsion to get it out.
But it really is a story of my experience on the trip. But it's also walking you through, as I'm going through this trip, kind of going back and thinking about my husband being on this deployment and how our marriage was changed, how I was changed, how he was changed, and how when he came home, there was such a gap even between us and our relationship because he had experienced things that I had never understood.
There was no way I could, in my mind, regardless of how well he could tell the story, I couldn't be with him in Afghanistan. I couldn't experience the things that he had experienced. [00:40:46] And when he came home, I was different too. When he left, I didn't think that I could even take the kids to McDonald's without the kids throwing temper tantrums and me completely falling apart.
By the time he came home, I had wrestled life into submission and had everything on lockdown. And so he came home to a completely different person too. Really, this trip opened my eyes to what changed in my husband, and it really allowed me to see the ugliness of myself and really realizing that some of the things that he had told me, such as that he felt like he had come home to an angry wife, which I had argued for years. I wasn't angry. I just was more independent.
But really on this trip, things started to wake up within me where I realized, No, I actually think that I've been harboring a lot of resentment that life had gotten difficult. And I think every civilian can even relate to this as well. Sometimes you just hope that life is going to be awesome, and your marriage is going to be awesome, and the kids are going to be easy, and there's not going to be medical issues, and there's not going to be trauma, and there's not going to be family drama. [00:41:50] And then life happens. Illnesses happen. Disappointments happen. And it's so easy to find yourself with a river of resentment that starts going through, that's ripping you apart from those you love.
And so this book is really about what changed in me because of this trip. And it's really a challenge to every person reading this book on what it means to reclaim and restore your marriage.
Laura Dugger: And you are such a gifted writer and just fascinating to listen to. So if listeners want to follow up, where can they find you online?
Corie Weathers: Yeah. So I actually have two websites. If you want to find out more about me, my website is Corie Weathers, just my name. It's C-O-R-R-I-E and then like the weather outside with an S. So corrieweathers.com.
Then as an extension, I have the LifeGiver podcast, the LifeGiver app, and all kinds of resources. And that is also on life-giver.org is where you can find all of that as well.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We'll link to those websites and your book in our show notes. Our podcast is called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. So as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce? [00:43:06]
Corie Weathers: You know, I have to say, especially since I work with military families, it is know yourself and know what you need to do each day to be the best you. You are no good if you don't take care of yourself before you take care of other people. It's kind of that idea on the plane of put the mask on yourself first.
I see so many people every day serving other people and sacrificing so much for other people at the destruction of themselves. So to me, what's most important is really all about know what you need each day, know how to communicate that each day, and be your own advocate to make sure that you are well.
Laura Dugger: That's so helpful. I've really enjoyed our chat, so thanks for joining us today, Corie.
Corie Weathers: Thank you, Laura.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him. [00:44:13]
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. [00:45:16]
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. [00:46:22] I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday May 20, 2019
Monday May 20, 2019
DISCLAIMER: This message contains adult themes and is not intended for little ears
54. Identifying and Fighting Human Trafficking with Dr. Jeff Waibel
**Transcription Below**
John 1:5 “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
Dr. Jeff Waibel is the Director of Clinical Services at Gateway Woods Family Services, a faith-based human services organization with locations in Indiana and Illinois. Dr. Waibel oversees the residential program located in Leo, IN, which provides residential treatment to at-risk teens with addictions, trauma, and behavioral and mental health challenges. He also supervises Home Based Services at Gateway Woods. Dr. Waibel serves on a number of state committees in Indiana, including the Psychotropic Medication Advisory Committee, the Anti-Trafficking Network, IARCA Residential and Home Based Work Groups, and the Indiana Coalition for Family Based Services. Dr. Waibel obtained his doctorate in Education from Indiana Wesleyan University, a Master’s degree in Education from Indiana Wesleyan University, a Master’s degree in Social Work from the University of Michigan, and a Bachelor of Science degree from Michigan State University. Dr. Waibel is a licensed social worker in Indiana.
For the past nine years, Dr. Waibel has also served as a bi-vocational pastor at the Apostolic Christian Church in Leo, IN. He and his wife Margo have been married for 15 years and have three children aged 11, 9, and 6. Dr. Waibel lives in Grabill, Indiana.
The National Human Trafficking Hotline Number: 1-888-373-7888
“Only the gospel can truly save you. The gospel doesn’t make bad people good; it makes dead people alive...the gospel is God’s acceptance of us based on what Christ has done, not on what we can do.” – Tchividjian, Tullian., Surprised by Grace: God’s Relentless Pursuit of Rebels (p.56)
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Gospel Scripture:
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:01] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
As a teacher or counselor, have you ever wished you could get more training on healthy sexuality or to have better skills in helping people deal with the sexual part of their lives? Sexual Wholeness is a Christian teaching organization desiring to help you accomplish this goal through classes and helpful resources. Visit them online at sexualwholeness.com.
I'm honored to share this chat with Dr. Jeff Waibel, who is the Director of Clinical Services at Gateway Woods. He is a licensed social worker and lay pastor, and today he's going to share what he's learned about human trafficking over the years, and he will share his theology on trafficking. I hope you find this chat to be enlightening. [00:01:17]
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Jeff.
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Thank you. It's great to be here.
Laura Dugger: Well, can you just first start us off by telling us more about yourself?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Sure. I grew up in Michigan, northern Michigan. Went to college at Michigan State University, undergrad, graduate school at the University of Michigan. After that, I became a therapist in a residential treatment center for children ages typically 12 to 19 here in northern Indiana and I am still here.
I've been here Gateway Woods which is this residential treatment center. I have been here for about 16 years now. Along the way I've gone back to school in Indiana Wesleyan University. I did another master's degree in a doctorate all to get us to this point where I'm the director of clinical services here Gateway Woods.
Got married somewhere in there to a beautiful woman, Margo, about 15 years ago, and we have three kids, 11, 9, almost 10-year-old boy, and then a 6-year-old girl. [00:02:20] So life is full. Life is busy.
Laura Dugger: When did you get involved working with people who have been trafficked?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: It's a really interesting thing. And this is the experience I think a lot of people have when they get into this population of human trafficking victims. You don't set out to do treatment for human trafficking victims. You kind of fall into it. You kind of find your way in there by accident.
So here at Gateway we've been treating young people from mostly northern but really all over Indiana for over 40 years and we've always had some young people who have come to us and we knew that they had a background, perhaps a young lady who was coming out of prostitution of some sort or whatever. That was just kind of one of the things that would happen sometimes and we would treat them and whatever.
We started kind of waking up to this idea that that is a human trafficking situation. As we went along, we realized, hey, we're treating these young ladies, typically young ladies, kind of like everybody else, but really, they don't respond to treatment in the same way. And so we started thinking about, is there more to this human trafficking thing? Is there more specialization that we should try to get at here in order to more effectively treat? [00:03:34]
So that's kind of how we ended up here. Over the years, we have seen lots and lots of human trafficking victims, mostly coming out of the sex trade come through our doors. We get many many referrals for human trafficking victims every year. We're fairly small treatment facility. We only have about 32 beds so we'll have about 32 young people in a given moment.
And so every year we get, I would say estimate , probably between 50 and 60 human trafficking referrals for young people who need that sort of treatment. So it's more than we can handle. And because we also treat drug and alcohol addiction, we also treat mental health issues and things like that, so this is just one very small piece of what we do.
Laura Dugger: Well, and like you mentioned, it's not a really large urban population that you're dealing with. I think if we're in small towns, we would like to believe that this doesn't affect us. But just to lay the foundation for this talk, can you give us a good definition of human trafficking? [00:04:36]
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Sure. Yeah. I really like Homeland Security's definition. They have something called the Blue Campaign, which is all about human trafficking. Straight from the Homeland Security website, their definition of human trafficking is the best. I think it's short and it kind of describes this as human trafficking is modern-day slavery. It involves the use of force, fraud, or coercion to obtain some type of labor or commercial sex act.
So you have to have these kind of components. You have to have forced fraud or coercion, one of those three, and then you have to have a benefit to the person who's doing the force prod or coercion of some sort of labor or commercial sex act. I think that's a great definition.
So when you start thinking about all of the implications of that, we can start to put a lot of things kind of under that umbrella of what human trafficking is. I think one of the problems that we have, especially in the church, when we think of human trafficking, we think of typically something more along the lines of human smuggling, which is we're going to kidnap your kids and we're going to take them to a foreign country and put them to work in a mine. [00:05:40] I don't know what we think about. But that maybe is more along the lines of how we think of human trafficking. When really, in reality, the number one kind of human trafficking that happens right here in the US is sex trafficking.
It's young ladies typically over the age of 18 but under the age of 25 who are coming out of broken homes or coming out of perhaps runaway situations, financially desperate, they get hooked up with some guy and he befriends them and starts providing for them and before they know it they're being prostituted. That's by far the most common form of human trafficking in this country.
It happens with underage girls too. The statistics on that are heartbreaking and just staggering. You know, hundreds of thousands. They estimate hundreds of thousands of young girls under the age of 18 who are currently being trafficked right here in the U.S. It's really staggering.
Laura Dugger: That's a really sobering number. You've mentioned it's in the U.S. [00:06:41] Where specifically is this occurring?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: This is another thing that people are kind of blown away by. If I could show you a picture of the United States, most people would assume, because they kind of confuse it with human smuggling, which is kind of a different thing, this whole kidnapping idea and dragging across the border. They assume that human trafficking is mostly along the border, so southern border with Mexico, for example. "Don't go to these border towns near Mexico, you might get kidnapped or whatever." It's not accurate, not in the slightest.
If you go to the Polaris Group, and the Polaris Group is non-profit here in the U.S. and they track human trafficking cases across the country. They have a map that you can look at and they highlight major human trafficking areas in red, and then orange, and then yellow, and then green, and then blue is the least.
If you look at the United States, the heaviest areas of human trafficking are in California, especially Southern California, on the East Coast, New York City, Boston, right down the East Coast, and in the Midwest. So it's Chicago, Detroit, Northern Indiana, right where we're at is kind of a major corridor for human trafficking.
So if you go to that site and look at that map, if you live in the Midwest, it'll take your breath away because you're like, "I didn't think this was here. I thought this was somewhere else. I thought this was in border towns in Arizona or in Texas." And it's just not. It's right here in our own backyard. [00:08:06]
Laura Dugger: Well, and we'll certainly link to that in our show notes in case this is the first time somebody's hearing about this. Another follow-up question with that. Who are some of the perpetrators?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Depending on how you define a perpetrator, most people when they ask, they're talking about the actual traffickers themselves. However, I do want to point out that the people who use trafficked girls, women, are also perpetrators.
But if you're talking about the traffickers, typically we're talking about men, usually young men. So this is just really fresh in my mind. There was a story right here in Northeast Indiana, Northwest Ohio of a human trafficking ring that was broke up here in the last week. They put pictures of the traffickers on the story. I think there were six people all told who were arrested. They were young men and young women and who were basically getting young girls into the sex trade, befriending them, then providing for them, creating dependency, creating isolation, and then using them. It's a heartbreaking thing. But that's right here in Fort Wayne, Indiana. That's right here in Northwest Ohio, just in the last week. [00:09:21]
The traffickers are maybe not what you'd expect. I don't know what you'd think, some clean-cut, good-looking young people who have somehow gotten into this. At least here in the States, that's typically what we're seeing. Obviously, there's also a lot of connections with organized crime as well, but not in this part of the country. That's more on the coast.
Laura Dugger: And so there's nothing predictable or anything identifiable?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: No, there's not. Let me just say this too. This is a really heartbreaking reality of the human trafficking world, but a lot of trafficking is done by family members as well. We've seen that many, many times here in the young people that we've treated over the years. It's a mom, it's a father, it's an uncle who is in a desperate financial state or desperately addicted to drugs and needs money and essentially sells their children out for sex. It's heartbreaking, terrifying stuff.
Laura Dugger: It really is such a dark topic. Do you have a biblical theology as it relates to human trafficking? [00:10:25]
Dr. Jeff Waibel: One of the things I didn't tell you in my kind of little introduction of myself here was I'm also a pastor. I'm a lay pastor here in Northeast, Indiana. I have spent quite a bit of time thinking about this because I think one of the things that's so hard about talking about slavery, even modern-day slavery, for Christians, it's just this reality that the Bible also talks about slavery. And it maybe doesn't say exactly what we want it to say.
So this is dangerous stuff to say that, you know, how would you rewrite the Bible? But I think in our modern world, what we would want the Bible to say is, slavery is evil, it is wrong, and it needs to be stopped. Anybody who does it is evil and wrong, etc. The Bible doesn't really say that.
And so this is something that I think Christians, if they've spent any time thinking about it at all, and I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about it, it's something that they struggle with. So what I've tried to do, and maybe you've heard me talk somewhere on this topic, but one of the things that I try to do is to talk through biblical ideas around slavery, because it is such a sensitive topic, and it really rocks people's faith. [00:11:38]
I'm going to give you some principles if that's okay. For your listeners out there who are part of the Church and they want to think through this, but at the same time, maybe they've heard from unbelievers or people who are atheistic or agnostic or critical of the Christian faith, you hear from people out there, and they say, well, the Bible supports slavery. How can you believe in a book like that?
I'm going to try to just walk through some kind of high-level principles. And just for your listeners, just to think through this, I do absolutely think that slavery is a scourge. I think it is evil. It is not part of God's plan. But I do also want to engage with the biblical text as honestly as we can because the Bible does talk a lot about slavery. It kind of just assumes that slavery is part of the human condition since the fall.
The first principle is the Bible regulates what a fallen world demands. So I'll give you just a couple examples of that. Divorce would be one, slavery would be another one. In the Old Testament, we had many instances of polygamy, men having many wives, multiple wives, even kings of Israel having hundreds of wives, like Solomon. [00:12:48]
The Bible regulates what a fallen world demands. I don't think that we can look at God's heart and say divorce is something that He wants, or slavery is something that He wants, or polygamy is something that He wants. But the Bible does regulate it.
That being said, the Bible does not demand what it regulates. So even though there are certain rules around divorce, both in the Old Testament law and in the New Testament, you know, Jesus and the Apostle Paul both talk about divorce as an example. It doesn't demand that people get divorced, but when they do, it does have rules around it.
The Bible regulates what a fallen world demands, but it does not demand what it regulates. And kind of the big picture here is none of these things can be imagined in a sinless world. None of these things can be imagined that people would be doing these things like slavery, like prostitution, like any of these things in a fallen world. And so the Bible does regulate that. That kind of as the overarching principle.
Let me just talk through a little bit about the Bible and how it approaches slavery. [00:13:51] So principle number one, God's view of humanity is singular and uncompromising. Genesis 1, it says God created man in His image. God created human beings in His image. Galatians 3, Paul says all humans are equal in their status before God. There's no Jew nor Gentile, Jew nor Greek, male or female, some of these categories that we have, all humans are equal in status before God. So God's view of humanity is singular and uncompromising.
Also, God considers Himself the protector of the weak and powerless. That's in both Testaments, Old Testament, New Testament alike. Deuteronomy 10:18 would be a great verse to look up. And Luke 4:18, Jesus is kind of giving His mission statement. He's quoting from Isaiah, saying the Lord has appointed me to release the captives and all these types of things. And one of the things he talks about there is releasing people from captivity.
Again, God's view of humanity is singular and uncompromising. [00:14:51] God really does expect His followers to be the same. He expects His followers to be protectors of the weak and the powerless. We find that in the Old Testament and New Testament alike again.
Principle number one, God's view of humanity is singular and uncompromising. We are God's creation. We're made in His image. He cares deeply about us.
Principle number two, the Bible, both Testaments, Old Testament and New Testament alike, forbids the forcible taking of slaves. Exodus 21, this is out of the old law, it says, "...whoever steals a man and sells him, and anyone found in possession of him shall be put to death." Again, singular and uncompromising message from God about His value of the human race.
First Timothy 1, Paul is talking to Timothy and he says, "Understanding this, that the law is not laid down for the just, but for the lawless and the disobedient, for the ungodly and sinners, and for the unholy and profane, for those who strike their fathers and mothers for murderers, the sexually immoral men who practice homosexuality, enslavers, liars, perjurers, and whatever else is contrary to sound doctrine." If you caught that inside that list, he has enslavers, or in the older translations of the Bible, he says man-stealers. [00:16:05]
That idea of forcible taking of people and putting them into bondage or slavery is something that God detests. But God also forbids the exploitation of the poor. Again, this is in Old Testament, New Testament alike. I love this verse out of Proverbs 14, "Whoever oppresses a poor man, insults his maker, but he who is generous to the needy honors him."
So if you oppress somebody who is poor, you are insulting that poor man's maker, meaning God Himself. So you oppress a poor man, you insult God. But if you're generous to the needy, you honor God. That's what the Proverbs says.
So principle number one, God's view of humanity is singular and uncompromising. Principle number two, God absolutely forbids the forcible taking of slaves and exploitation of the poor. So therefore, when the Bible does talk about slavery, which it does a lot, the principal thing it's talking about is voluntary and economic slavery. [00:17:03]
So you will find examples of that in the Bible where people are slaves. And sometimes you'll even find God's people making their enemies slaves. But again, a lot of times in warfare that was given to them as a choice, you know, do you want to be wiped out or would you become our slaves? And they voluntarily become slaves. It's not what we would want, it's not what we would expect to see in a sinless world, but in this fallen world that's something that happened.
So, principle number one, God's view of humanity is singular and uncompromising. Principle number two, God forbids the forcible taking of slaves and the exploitation of the poor.
Principle number three, the trajectory of the New Testament is away from slavery. Again, from Luke 4, Jesus' kind of mission statement, quoting Isaiah, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me. He has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind. to set at liberty those who are oppressed, and to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor." That's Luke 4:18 and 19. [00:18:06]
Jesus said, "I'm here to set captives free." Then we have an entire book, an entire letter in the New Testament that is about slavery. It's one of the least, in my opinion, as a pastor, it's one of the least preached on books of the Bible. It's that little letter that Paul wrote to Philemon. That whole letter is about slavery.
If you think about what's going on there, Paul is writing a letter to a brother in the Christian church, Philemon, an actual leader of the Colossian church, who also owns slaves. Again, this is one of those things that we kind of modern believers have a hard time wrapping our minds around, that there was a Christian leader in the first-century church who was also a slave owner. And the Apostle Paul wrote to him, and he wrote to him upon the occasion of returning his slave to him, Onesimus. That book kind of takes your breath away a little bit when you think about it.
But listen to what Paul says right in the middle of that letter to Philemon. He says, "For this perhaps..." Speaking of Onesimus, the runaway slave that he's returning, he says, "For this perhaps is why he was parted from you for a while, that you might have him back forever, no longer as a bondservant but more than a bondservant, as a beloved brother—especially to me, but how much more to you, both in the flesh and in the Lord. So if you consider me your partner, receive him as you would receive me." [00:19:25]
Paul is saying to Philemon, Look, you can't look at this guy the same way anymore, because while he was on the run from you, your slave became a believer in Jesus Christ, just like you, Philemon. So you can't take advantage of him any longer. You've got to think of him differently. He's no longer a slave. He's now your brother in Christ. And what does that mean for your relationship?
And Paul says, "What it means, Philemon, is that Onesimus is now equal to me. We're all brothers now." And so he's setting this runaway slave in front of his owner... He's setting this runaway slave equal to himself. This is the Apostle Paul talking.
Again, this is the idea. The trajectory of the New Testament is away from slavery. It's this idea that if we follow what God thinks about humankind we're going to think differently about the people around us. So that's principle number three.
Final principle, principle number four, and then I'll be done and we can talk about it. But principle number four is that nobody is free. [00:20:27] This is one of those things in the Bible that I think is super clear, but we don't like to think about it, especially in this country. I think we got a lot of people who really want their rights. They want to demand their rights. They want to think of themselves as free agents. They want to think of themselves as self-determined or whatever.
But Jesus was the opposite. Jesus wanted us to think of ourselves as slaves. So listen to what he tells His disciples in Mark chapter 10:43-44. He says, "But whoever would be great among you must be your servant. And whoever would be first among you must be slave of all." That's from the ESV.
So Jesus wants us to think of ourselves as slaves. Jesus also thought of Himself as a slave. He says in Mark chapter 10, same passage, verse 45, next verse, he says, "For even the son of man came not to be served, but to serve and to give His life as a ransom for many." Again, Jesus is using slave language here about being a servant, being a slave to all, giving His life as a ransom. He's talking about economic terms for His own life. [00:21:38]
Peter, and this is my favorite verse on this topic, just to kind of reorient our thinking biblically around this topic of slavery and our rights and all of that. Peter says this, 1 Peter 2:16. This just blows my mind every time I read it. "Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God."
So Peter's saying, Live as people who are free, but when you're free, never forget that you're a slave. I think that is the biblical idea. I think the biblical idea around slavery, and there is slavery in the Bible, I'm not going to sugarcoat that and there is horrible, evil stuff that the Bible records. I'm not going to say that that's not true. But the biblical idea about slavery is principally this, that everybody's a slave.
So if you're a believer in Jesus Christ, if you've found your faith in His shed blood, then you are a slave to Christ. If you're not a believer in Jesus Christ, the Bible would say you're a slave to sin. In other words, everybody's a slave. There are no free people. [00:22:49]
This is something that our modern world just does not like. Even believers sometimes, I know me, I'm that way, I don't like that idea. But the mantra of humanism is that every person deserves complete and utter freedom. Freedom to do what makes you feel good. Freedom to love who you want. Freedom to choose what to do with your own body or your pregnancy. Just frankly, these are not values that God shares. God doesn't want us to think of ourselves as free, primarily. He wants us to think of ourselves as belonging to Him, purchased possessions of God.
So I think one of the reasons that the Bible uses slave language to describe the believer's life is because the Bible knew that slavery was always going to be a part of this fallen world. And so when I talk to people, especially skeptical people, about how the Bible deals with this topic of slavery, I try to very carefully kind of walk through some of these things saying, let's think about this now. Let's think about overall, what does the Bible talk about when it comes to slavery? Why does the Bible use so much slave language? [00:24:01]
And I think it's because God wants us to remember that our rights, our view of our rights will always be in competition with the gospel. So if we as believers are thinking of ourselves as free and I can do what I want, we're not going to be super duper effective for the gospel. If we think of ourselves as slaves to Christ, we'll have the proper orientation.
Laura Dugger: So now, after digesting all of that, if we are a Jesus follower, what responsibility is ours after hearing a message like this?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: I think for me, in knowing what I know about the human trafficking business in this country, and by the way, I don't consider myself an expert. I don't know if there really are experts on human trafficking. It's such an underground thing. But for me, based on the little I know, this is such a complex problem that it's not going to be solved easily.
If this issue could be solved by petitioning your legislator, writing your congressman, and making a law, then we would have done it already. But in fact, this stuff has been illegal for hundreds of years. This is not easily solved. It's so complex and it's so underground and it's so dark. I really think this is something that really only God can effectively fight. [00:25:21]
I think as believers, the very first thing we do is we pray. We got to pray for people. We have to pray for the people who are victims. We have to pray for the people who are trafficking those victims. We have to pray for the people who are using those victims for their own pleasure. And we have to pray for the people who are out there on the streets trying to pull people out of that lifestyle, trying to convince them to come out, trying to convince them to go into treatment or whatever else. I think prayer really is key. I think it's first.
Second, I think we have to teach. So we have to pray, we have to teach. And what we teach is the Gospel. I think the Gospel is the only hope for a social problem of this magnitude. I love this quote, it's from a guy whose name I can't pronounce, Tullian Tchividjian... Oh goodness, I can send it to you, you put it in your show notes.
He says, "The Gospel doesn't make bad people good; it makes dead people alive. And I think that's what the Gospel does, and that's what really needs to happen here. So we have to teach the Gospel. We have to teach the Gospel to people who are on the demand side, you know, largely men who are caught up in sexual addiction and are using young women for their own pleasure. [00:26:37] We have to teach the Gospel to them.
We have to teach the Gospel on the supply side, you know, to the young women themselves and to their traffickers. We have to figure out a way to teach the gospel.
We also then have to teach God's view of humanity. We have to teach this singular and uncompromising view that God has for every human being that's ever walked. And we have to teach it... I always say, start with your own kids. Start with your Sunday school class, start with your close group of friends.
We have to teach God's view of human worth and dignity, that every single human being is made in the image of God. And what does that do? It completely and radically changes the way that we think about people. How do you objectify somebody who's made in the image of God? How do you oppress somebody who's made in the image of God? How do you take financial gain from somebody's pain who's made in the image of God? So we have to teach God's view of human worth and dignity, and then, of course, I think we have to teach God's view of sexuality.
Laura, this is something that I'm pretty strong on. Again, if you've heard me talk before, you know I get strong on this. But I think the Church, by and large, is not doing a great job of talking about sex. [00:27:48] I think there's lots of good reasons for that. We have our kids with us on Sunday morning. We don't necessarily think that's a super comfortable topic for a very diverse congregation or whatever. And I do get that. I'm in the ministry myself, so I think we've got to still figure it out.
We have to figure out ways to talk about this, because I think there's just the numbers on sex addiction and all of these industries that feed the human trafficking problem. The numbers on it are staggering, so staggering, that we know it's in the church. We know that there are people in the church who are caught up in this stuff. We've got to start having those conversations as hard as it is.
Laura Dugger: I think that you've empowered us with some starting points, and that's really helpful. And now a brief message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: What are some identifying factors of someone being trafficked?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: That's a tough question, Laura. There's actually a number of different groups that we kind of need to talk about, at least briefly. So, first off, you have kind of what you might think of as the stereotypical adult trafficking victim. And if you go to the research, if you go to the statistics, the biggest group of people are ethnically hispanic, females, young adults. That's the single largest group.
That's one answer to that is you would look for Hispanic or Asian females usually involved with escort services or massage parlors, that sort of thing, maybe don't speak English very well. Just in the last six months or so, I've done two different talks on this, one at a medical professionals conference and one at a dental professionals conference. [00:31:18] And what I told them was, you're already treating these people. You're already treating victims of human trafficking. You just don't know it yet. You haven't been recognizing them.
In this group, in the adult group, what you're going to look for are young ladies, because they're almost all female, by the way, well over 80%. I'm forgetting the exact statistic here off the top of my head, but predominantly female, predominantly young. And they are going to be avoiding eye contact. They're going to be avoiding most social interaction. They're going to be dependent on another person.
So if they come in for like a doctor's appointment or something, they're going to have usually a man or somebody with them who's directing them, telling them where to go and what to do. They are not going to be allowed to carry their own identification or money or anything like that. They're going to defer all decisions to this other person. There's maybe a general aura of fear or not looking like they're in control of their own life.
That's kind of the stereotypical adult type of human trafficking victim. But there's a second part to that answer and that is what we work with primarily are adolescent girls. [00:32:31] This is a major problem in this country, that there are adolescent girls who are entering into human trafficking situations unwittingly, unknowingly, a lot of times through social media and those types of entry points.
And they are not going to be that stereotypical thing that I just said. They're not going to necessarily be a minority. They may very well be Caucasian, White. They are going to feel like they're more in control because maybe they knowingly entered into this sort of a situation or relationship with a man. They think they're in control. They don't even think of themselves necessarily as a human trafficking victim, even though technically by law, by definition, they are. So those types of situations are harder to identify.
And these are the young ladies who are, as I said to the dental professionals, they're sitting in your chair and you just think they're like any other teenage girl, except that they're not. Those are going to be a lot harder to identify. The way I talk to medical professionals is you just got to talk to them. You have to ask them lots of questions. [00:33:40] If they have unusual scars, unusual markings, unusual medical problems, or dental problems, ask them about them. And when you start getting evasive answers, those types of things, it's a lot easier to identify.
Now, for you and me, Laura, the average person on the street, we're probably not going to see them or we're probably not going to identify them quickly unless you've really spent a lot of time kind of tuning in to what to look for. But it's generally going to be somebody who has a history of family problems. They have been in and out of the juvenile justice system or the child welfare system, whatever it's called in your state. And they usually had pretty disrupted childhood experiences. And so they're looking for situations where they can find control where they can find somebody to provide for them, those types of things.
When you look at the adolescent side, those are the types of things I look for. Really marginalized girls, often who have run away, who have been approached, or maybe even sought out somebody that would protect them and provide for them, those types of situations. [00:34:49]
But Frankly, Laura, this is one of the things that the church really struggles with, because the types of young people on the adolescent side of the human trafficking problem, the types of young people that are involved are exactly the types of young people that you tell your children not to spend time with. This is one of the difficult things for the church to kind of wrestle through, is that the victims are the exact wrong type of friends for your kids. That's why I'm saying you probably won't see a lot of them, maybe because we're going and running in the wrong circles.
Laura Dugger: Wow. And if we do happen to recognize something or identify someone who we believe is being trafficked, what can we do next?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: So this is, I think, a good exercise in knowing our limitations. You know, I generally suggest to people that it's not a good idea to try to play hero in these types of situations. [00:35:49] There's a lot of reasons for that. Human trafficking is against the law. It is a legal issue. And if you're going to hope to have the traffickers themselves prosecuted, there are legal courses of action that must be taken.
What I generally tell people is, when in doubt, get advice. Call the human trafficking hotline. There's a great human trafficking hotline that's set up by the Polaris Project. It's 1-888-373-7888 and just talk to them. Talk to one of their phone consultants and kind of spell out what you're seeing, what the situation is, and get some advice.
Ask them, "What should I do next? I think this is, but I'm not sure." Or maybe you actually know for sure that this situation is a human trafficking situation. You say, "This person even told me they're being trafficked. What do I do next?" Let them direct you. I think that's the safest course of action. That may eventually go into calling law enforcement. [00:36:49]
If it's a child that's involved, I would say call the Department of Child Services. At least that's what it's called here in Indiana. In Illinois, I think it's DCFS. Every state has a different name for the Child Welfare Service. But there's usually some sort of a child abuse or neglect hotline or something that you can call. Sometimes there's even websites you can go to to report these sorts of things.
But my first thought is get advice because very few people are experts on this. So a lot of times it's just good, like if you get a weird feeling from something and you're not entirely sure, call that National Human Trafficking Hotline and get advice.
Laura Dugger: Well, we will definitely link to that number in the show notes. I'm also curious, are there any industries that we're unaware of that actually may feed human trafficking?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Yeah. So this is an interesting question, an interesting thing to consider because, you know, we've talked about adult human trafficking, we've talked about adolescent human trafficking. But now we also have to talk about human trafficking across the world. [00:37:54] And what is our responsibility as citizens of the world to try to fight this on a global, international level?
That's kind of another whole series of questions, right? Because all of a sudden, we're not so much talking about sex trafficking here in the United States. Now we're talking about labor trafficking in India, or in Africa, or in other places in the world. And that raises a whole nother list of ethical questions.
So if you look at the research, what is human trafficking internationally across the world, you'll find that labor trafficking is the biggest form of human trafficking across the world. So for us, how do we benefit from that? Well, we benefit from it by buying cheap products. So I'll just kind of give you some things that maybe you hadn't thought of before.
But how do we keep foreign agricultural products so cheap? How is it possible that we are able to get things that almost exclusively come from outside of our borders, things like coffee, things like chocolate, things like agricultural products that are not raised here, primarily not raised here, rice, those sorts of things? How do we get those things as cheaply as we do here in the United States? [00:39:15] Sometimes cheaper than they are sold for in the country that they were manufactured. How is that possible? One of the ways it's possible is through slave labor, even child slave labor. That is still happening in a lot of places.
The good news here is there are ways to kind of try to dig into this. There are places online where you can go and try to support companies, support retailers who only sell slave-free products. So some big names out there have really taken a strong stance on this, some that you're probably really familiar with. Trader Joe's, for example, prides themselves on being slave-free; they don't want to have anything to do with this problem.
In a similar way... and Trader Joe's maybe not everybody's favorite place to go. Little bit on the cheaper end is Aldi. So Aldi and Trader Joe's are connected somehow, sister companies. Again, LDI tries very hard to make sure that all of their products are slave-free. That's one very simple thing we can do here in this country is vote with our pocketbook. You've probably heard that statement before. [00:40:27]
Interestingly, on the chocolate side, this is just kind of an interesting little tidbit. Chocolate is one of those agricultural products that we almost exclusively buy from outside of our own borders. And it's kind of a big deal in the human trafficking circle. So if you go online and Google slave-free chocolate or whatever, you'll find lots and lots of hits.
You know, Hershey, for example, is the number one chocolate seller, manufacturer here in the US. But less than 1% of their chocolate is verified slave-free. That doesn't mean that 99% of it is being harvested by people in human trafficking situations. It just means that they're not trying very hard to verify where their chocolate comes from. So that's kind of an interesting thing.
Again, it's something that we don't think about. We don't think like that. But it is one way that we as Americans we consume a ton of chocolate, coffee, other types of things like that. We're a very wealthy nation and we can change the world by how we shop as crazy as that might sound. [00:41:33]
Laura Dugger: No, that's actually very empowering to know a step, even as simple as googling something slave-free. So that's a really helpful first step we can take.
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Just in general, where would you direct us if we want to learn more about human trafficking?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Probably the best single organization out there that tries to capture the human trafficking problem is the Polaris Project, and that's just found at polarisproject.org. [00:42:46] They do a great job of condensing down statistics and getting their arms around what is human trafficking for people. They're also the group that runs the National Human Trafficking Hotline.
Just to give you an idea as to how central this one non-profit, non-governmental organization, this one NGO is, if you were to go to the Department of Homeland Security website for the United States, and go to their Blue Campaign, which is all about human trafficking. If you go to Homeland Security's Blue Campaign website, and if you click on "what should I do if I suspect human trafficking", the Department of Homeland Security says to call the Polaris Project.
So that's the one place everybody should go because it's kind of the place for statistics, for really interesting and insightful graphs, and trying to wrap your mind around this project.
For believers, I always point to, you know, there are some big names out there who talk about this, even on the evangelical Christian side. David Platt is a name that many people are familiar with. The pastor does a lot of preaching online and has a large following. He has a really well-done presentation on using the power of the gospel to end human trafficking. [00:44:08]
That probably can be found in a number of places. The place that I found it was on the Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission website. That's part of the Southern Baptist Convention. They have a link to that entire talk that he did at their 2015 National Conference.
He's been very outspoken on this issue, so that's a really good place to just kind of learn about what does the Gospel have to do with this, and how can we tackle this problem with the Gospel, with prayer, those types of things.
For those who are in the medical community, I suggest a TED talk by a doctor named Kanani Tichen, K-A-N-A-N-I, and her last name is Tichen, T-I-C-H-E-N, like kitchen with a T. She does a great job of kind of walking through as a practitioner, if you're a medical practitioner or a dental or really anything like that, or if you work in a clinic or something, how to spot human trafficking. She has a voice of experience and has become, again, kind of a thought leader here in the United States for this problem. [00:45:13]
So for the church, I generally say, let's start with the David Platt talk. I think it's a great place to start. For just basic statistics and research, the Polaris Project. And for anybody in the medical field or in the helping arts, counseling, pastoral ministry, or even things like homeless shelters, or if you volunteer, a place like that, Dr. Kanani Tichen's talk on TED Talks.
Laura Dugger: That is a great place to start. Those are new ideas to me, so I appreciate you sharing that. Overall, it's just such a heavy topic. So do you have any personal stories of light overcoming darkness from all that you've witnessed?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Yes. You know, this is the business we're in. We take young people. We work only with adolescents. And we bring them into our residential treatment center and we try to help them turn their lives around, not just by the latest, greatest counseling techniques. We do all of that. You know, we have lots of licensed and certified counselors and trauma therapists and stuff here, but also just through the power of the gospel. [00:46:23]
You know, I think we forget sometimes that God is more powerful than any human being or any human institution or any human problem. And so through prayer and through the power of the gospel we have seen young ladies who come to us and have literally been on the street or been in a human trafficking situation, a prostitution sort of situation, and they've come into our place, and it is a little bit like night and day for them. You know, walking into our place, which is very calm and very safe, and all the people here are very kind.
And we have seen God's grace working in these young people's lives. And we've seen young women not only leave that lifestyle but never go back. Sometimes they're reunited with their families, but a lot of times their families also are really struggling. And so maybe they'll go into a Christian foster home or something like that. But we have seen it over and over again.
Not every story is like that. Not every story is successful. But we have seen God use the church, God use his people to positively impact individual lives who are struggling, desperately struggling with this problem. [00:47:34]
Laura Dugger: I think it goes along just with what I've been learning personally lately is just pondering that thought of light always overcomes darkness. I'm just so thankful that we know the end of the story and that God does win in the end.
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Absolutely.
Laura Dugger: So I have one final question for you. We're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. So as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Dr. Jeff Waibel: Well, let me say this. A few years ago, I set out on a quest to read the classics, the classic literature. I had never voluntarily read something that was considered a classic. I had read some in school because you're forced to, and if you're going to pass a class, you've got to do it. But I had decided if there are books out there that have literally been around for 100, 200, 300 years and they're still selling, there's got to be something there that's good. [00:48:31]
I was kind of frustrated with the state of modern fiction. Anyway, I'm a big fiction fan. I love reading. And I was kind of frustrated with the state of modern fiction. And so I was like, "Let me go back to the classics." So about three years ago, I set out to read classics.
In the last three years, I've read 27 classic novels at last count. I'll just tell you, if you haven't done this, and if you have the stomach for it, not everybody does, but it has really enriched my life. There are books out there that are just breathtaking in their beauty. There are books out there that describe the human condition in a way that is just so poignant. It pierces right to your heart. Some of these authors, 200 years ago, are saying things that just feel so fresh and modern today. So I love that. I'm still reading them.
But the savvy sauce for me lately has been reading the classics. If I could give you a recommendation, one of the books that I recommend to people is Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy, one of the Russian authors. Leo Tolstoy was a believer, Christian, and he writes this book, Anna Karenina. [00:49:42] It is largely about the effect of sin on a person's life.
At the same time, so there's two kind of competing storylines. One is Anna Karenina herself is kind of falling head over heels into this destructive kind of whirlwind in her life. And there's another guy, kind of a simple country guy, who is at the same time that she's going downhill on this slide, he is coming alive to the gospel.
The juxtaposition of those two storylines is just magical, and it's probably the best fiction book I've ever read. Anyway, that's where I tell people to start. At the same time, it's like a thousand pages long, it's written by a Russian guy. So I do get it, that not everybody has the stomach for that.
Laura Dugger: But that's wonderful. This time in general has just been so informative, and I just want to say thank you for taking the time to share all this with us.
Dr. Jeff Waibel: It's been my pleasure.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. [00:50:47] But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. [00:51:52] Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. [00:52:59]
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday May 13, 2019
Monday May 13, 2019
53. Practical Life Tips with Blogger and Speaker, Rach Kincaid
**Transcription Below**
Ephesians 5:10+11 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.”
Rachael Kincaid is married to Chris and the mother to six children in her blended family. Additionally, she serves at church, coaches clients, and works as a hospice nurse, blogger, and speaker. She uses the internet to share her faith and encourage women.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Connect with Rach on all the social media platforms: @rachkincaid
Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas
Recommended Magazine: Life:Beautiful
Recommended Pastor: Andy Stanley
Sample of Books by Recommended Author, Jess Connolly:
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Sam Leman Chevrolet Buick in Eureka
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Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:01] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: The principles of honesty and integrity that Sam Leman founded his business on continue today over 55 years later at Sam Leman Chevrolet Buick in Eureka. Owned and operated by the Bertschi Family, Sam Leman in Eureka appreciates the support they've received from their customers all over Central Illinois and beyond. Visit them today at Lemangm.com.
Today I'm excited to welcome back a returning guest. Rachel Kincaid is full of wisdom beyond her years. Some of her roles include being a wife and mother in a blended family, in addition to being a nurse, a blogger, and a speaker. Clearly, she's a high-capacity woman.
Today she's going to share intentional ways her family has kept their priorities in order. I hope you can find something beneficial in this chat to apply to your own life.
Welcome back again to The Savvy Sauce, Rach. [00:01:21]
Rach Kincaid: I am so happy to be back. Thank you.
Laura Dugger: Well, I loved getting to spend time chatting with you when we recently did an episode on reflecting Jesus in our relationships. For those who missed our chat, can you just give us a brief overview of who you are?
Rach Kincaid: Absolutely. So my name is Rachel. I go by Rach on the internet most of the time, and I've been a Christian my whole life. I've loved Jesus pretty much my whole life. I did not start walking with Him or getting serious about it, I would say, until my teens, early 20s, just when it became a faith of my own. And that felt really important to me to kind of figure out who I was and who I belonged to and what I was going to do with my life. That's pretty much my story with Jesus.
I am married to an incredible man who's a music director at our church, and we have six kids. So he brought two boys into our marriage, and then we had four kids in the first couple of years that we were married. So we had a boy, twin girls, and then another girl within about three and a half years. [00:02:24]
Laura Dugger: That's incredible. So you are managing a big family, and you're working full-time. We would love to hear some of your savvy tips. Let's just go through some of the common areas of life and hear what it actually looks like for you.
Rach Kincaid: Okay.
Laura Dugger: So, let's start just with sleep. How do you manage that?
Rach Kincaid: Oh, man. I can tell this is going to be my favorite episode, I think. I go to bed around 10 o'clock. Wake up around 6:30. And we try to work our sleep schedule... Let me rephrase that. We try to work our other schedules around our sleep schedule, both my husband and I.
We've learned the importance of sleep and so we tried to leave events at, you know, 7:30 or 8:00 if we have our kids so that we can get them in bed at a decent hour. If we're out on a date night, our favorite thing to do is go early, 5:30 to 6:30, and then maybe we grab dessert or whatever after dinner, and we're still home by 9:00 or 10:00. [00:03:21] So we'll stay up late if we have to, but going to bed around 10:00 feels like a huge win.
Then I would say waking up, I have learned how to relax a little bit in the mornings, but I wake up before my alarm goes off by about two minutes. And it drives my husband crazy because he feels like he's losing two minutes of sleep. But I immediately jump up, throw on some clothes, and I go into drill sergeant mode to get whatever needs to be done completed. So that we can actually get four kids downstairs, dressed, fed, the whole shebang, and on the bus in 20 minutes on school days. And that feels like, you know, I need a trophy for that.
But at the same time, I'm not super kind or gentle or warm in the morning. So I'm working on that. But I would say for the most part, I'm a morning person. I can't do a lot of really heavy conversations or solid work after about 8:00 or 9:00 p.m.
So I have also learned to be able to say how much sleep I need because I've got friends, even my husband, that can go With four or five six hours if they need to. I can't. I will immediately get a head cold or feel like I'm coming down with the flu if I get less than seven hours of sleep. [00:04:29]
So I would say knowing your limitations and knowing what you need is is super important, as well as knowing where your shortcomings are, your flaws, if I may say that, and learning how to kind of soften those up a little bit.
Laura Dugger: Really, having a healthy sleep routine is harder than it appears. So is this something that you and your husband have always done, or did you have to work at that?
Rach Kincaid: Oh no, we had to work at it. I would say the first thing we started doing was getting rid of the snooze. None of us snooze. We don't even allow our teenage sons to use their snooze function. We just need that we just yell, "Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up," if their alarm goes off and they're still in the bed.
So I think that's been really helpful. That took about two years for my husband to get rid of. I had never used a snooze ever, and I felt offended, insulted. I don't even know the word for it. When I would see him using, "What are you doing? But you're wasting all this time and you're being disrespectful to me. I share a bed with you." I mean, it was a whole thing. [00:05:24]
So we got rid of that first. I would say only recently... We've been together dating, I think almost 15 years and married. This is our 10th year of marriage. So I would say only the last few years have we started doing what I think has been the most effective. And that is bedtime and wake-up time the same time every day. So if you have to wake up early for something, that's fine. But for the most part, try to wake up at the same time every day.
Our idea of sleeping in is maybe one hour later than our weekdays or something like that, rather than the idea of catching up on sleep or staying up really late and then going to bed and waking up really late the next morning. We don't do that. So if we stay up late for a game or an award show, we still wake up at the same time the next morning, and we're willing to just be tired because we want our bodies to stay on that rhythm.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that is such a good idea. And now, thinking of your family, there's eight of you. So when you consider work, play, meals, extracurriculars, the list can go on, what does your family rhythm look like? [00:06:32]
Rach Kincaid: Oh man. So it's pretty chaotic right now because we have two teenagers who are driving in our home. Our eldest is headed to college, so that will bring us down to seven on a regular basis in our home.
For the most part, I will get the hard stuff out of the way first. And that is, you know, the stuff that your listeners might judge me for. But that is, we did not do any extracurricular activities for the little kids while the big kids were playing sports.
We felt like we only had a few years together as a family in one house under one roof, and we wanted as much together time as we could. So when our big boys were running cross-country or playing football or whatever, our little kids, they would just come with us. And we would set up a big picnic blanket and snacks and books, and that would be the event. And they would just run around there and get their exercise that way. [00:07:26]
Only recently have we started with the extracurriculars, and that would be Boy Scouts and dance, I think. And what we've done with that is only gone to places that allow us to put multiple kids in one class, as well as all of our activities on one night. Because I do not want to be that wife that never sees her husband because we're playing tag in and tag out on activities for our kids.
So one night a week, we can maybe split up and take our kids to different things and then meet back at the house. But I did not want to be doing that three afternoons or four nights a week. That's kind of how we manage our extracurricular activities.
With meals, we have dinner together around the table every single night. Sometimes we eat it on the floor in the kitchen. We have a huge old farmhouse that was built in 1890. It has not been renovated, so don't get any romantic ideas in your head. But our kitchen is this big open square. It's too small to put an island in, but it's really big otherwise.
And so we have this tiny kind of old French country table with the leaves that we can fold down, the little drop-leaf table. And so our little kids will sit around that and the rest of us will sit on the floor and we'll all eat together there. Or we'll all eat in our dining room, which is our main place of hangout and homework and eating and all that. [00:08:57]
We do try to eat one meal together per day. That feels important. All the research I've read talks about that. If you could do only one thing as a family while your kids are in there in the home. Like forget sports, forget everything else. Like just try to get around the table and eat. So we definitely do that.
Then as far as rhythm goes, our kids go to bed at the same time every night. I'm in grad school right now. I'm doing a lot of homework at night. So we'll sit in front of Netflix together, my husband and I, or we went through a couple of different series with the big boys to watch TV. So maybe one or two nights a week we do that.
Then we're in community a lot. And that's new for us. Because when I was first having babies, I was very private. I had major postpartum depression, and so I was withdrawn. I didn't want anybody to know that I was struggling. But over the last three to five years, we've really opened ourselves up to community.
So we are with people, families probably two nights a week at least, having people over to eat or going to their house or going out for ice cream or taco night or things like that. So that also gets priority over anything else in our schedules as well. [00:10:09]
Laura Dugger: Okay, this is just giving me so many more questions than when you talk about prioritizing getting together around a table at least one meal a day. You have a big family, so you have a lot of excuses you can make for why that's not possible. So, how are you even logistically making that a reality? What do you prepare and who helps, those type of things?
Rach Kincaid: Don't get the idea of a three-course meal with candles and all that in our dining room table. I can give an example. Last week, we wanted to go grab snow cones with some friends after dinner. And no one actually got home ready to eat until we should have actually been eating dinner.
So we were sitting at the table for, I think, 17 minutes. We were laughing about it because everybody was just scarfing it down really fast. But we meal-plan a week in advance. We grocery-shop only one time a week. I have a chalkboard that has all of our meals. My husband and I both cook. In fact, since I've been in grad school, he has taken over almost all of the cooking and the laundry. [00:11:14] I cannot remember the last time I did laundry. So that's been huge.
We make sacrifices. So he will come home from work and eat and go back to work if he needs to. We live near our church, so that's helpful. But I would say sacrifice is huge. Planning ahead is huge.
And then simplifying your meals and what you offer is huge. So we do a lot of instant pot meals, a lot of cold prep meals. We've been preparing a lot of vegan meals lately to try to cut down on our meat consumption. It saves a lot of money and we all feel healthier. So we've been doing a lot of cold Asian-type salads with Peanut sauces and things like that that have been yummy.
Those take about 30 minutes. Our dinner probably we try to keep it under an hour of prep and then we're sitting around the table for, you know, 20 to 30 minutes. Kind of like a school lunch where it's not a leisurely meal by any means but it does get us face-to-face with one another.
And I think we're doing that five days a week right now with at least four of our kids, if not all six. So that's been the goal and I think we're doing pretty well. [00:12:18]
Laura Dugger: I love that you also brought up the importance of community. Again, having a big family, how do you make that a reality? Maybe somebody's listening today and they want that community. What does it look like for you? How did you get started? Those type of things.
Rach Kincaid: I would say it's kind of the same thing that I felt about work when people would ask me, how do I find a job that I love or how do I get more time with my family? Because when I first started writing on the internet and blogging and things like that, I found a group of women, followers, readers, whatever you want to call them, that were really interested in a mom who worked outside of the home.
So I feel like I do kind of have a little bit of favor with that group of women because I've made a lot of changes in my life to help me balance my home versus work ratio. My answer to them was always, Do it. Be extreme if you have to. Leave your job, find another one. Work 12-hour shifts and work three days a week. Find a job that allows you to do that, or find a job that allows you to do four 10-hour shifts or something like that. [00:13:21]
And the same thing with community, the same thing with getting rhythms in your home, do it. If you have to be extreme and disciplined and diligent about it, I don't mean to tell anybody to leave their church, but if your church is not offering small groups, in a family setting that allows you to bring your kids and that kind of thing, then find one that does. Or make the change. Be the change you want to see. Do it at your own church.
So our family groups meet every other week. We meet every other Friday night. The kids are welcome. We all eat a meal together. And then the kids go upstairs and watch a movie and hang out with each other while the adults talk about the sermon from the week and pray for each other and just share, read our Bibles together, that kind of thing. That is the perfect setup.
Every other week is amazing because nobody really has an excuse to not prioritize for that. Our kids are involved. Our kids get to do multi-generational community with the teenagers and the adults that are in our group. But then if you're under 13, then you go upstairs and you hang out with your friends. [00:14:17]
We would have never had that option had we not left our church. So we had to leave. We had to find something new. We had to get extreme in order to do the things that we felt like God wanted us to do, to model our collective family life after what we thought He wanted it to look like.
So it's not about sitting around and talking about it. Sometimes it's about making those really hard choices. Like, what if you said, Only one kid gets to play a sport per season or something like that and we're everybody gets their season? But we're only doing one right now so that we can still have a few meals together per week and so that we can all go to sessions such as baseball game or whatever.
Our lives do not have to look like Everybody else's and our families don't have to look like what we think they're supposed to look like. My friend and I were laughing about this a few weeks ago because we were talking about how we don't allow our daughters to go to sleepovers or extended playdates right now because we're just not sure what kind of decision or policy we want to make for our family. [00:15:20]
I don't really want to have to interview somebody else's family. Do you have older brothers or anything like that? So right now we're just saying like no long playdates, no sleepovers, things like that. And I was talking to her about it thinking like, what if they think we're weird? What if they think that we're like the only parents out there that don't let them do that? And she was like, "Right. But like they're not missing out. They're still getting community. They're still getting socialization. We're not locking them in their rooms at home all the time."
On the same point, we are doing things differently from the way our parents raised us. So they're probably going to do things differently when they grow up too. And we can't feel guilty or weird about that. We just have to say we're doing the best with the information we have at the time.
So, for me, that might mean getting a little more extreme, and that might mean, can you believe the audacity of that mom only letting one of her kids play baseball and all the other kids had to sit on the bleachers? But you don't know, maybe next season the other kid gets to play basketball. So I think it involves decision-making and not worrying about what other people are doing or what they're thinking. [00:16:22]
Laura Dugger: I love that. How do you find time to personally connect with God?
Rach Kincaid: I read my Bible every day, try to read it in the morning. I started when I was coming out of a season of depression. I had some very militant checklist items. I know you're a counselor, so you probably are familiar with some of the basics of brushing your teeth every day and checking it off the list or making your bed.
What I developed is a little checklist in the morning that I called the five, five, and five. I would make my bed, make my coffee, and read my Bible. And each of those tasks took about five minutes. I would make my bed, walk into the kitchen, make my coffee, walk into the living room, sit in the same chair, and read my Bible for five minutes only. I cut myself off after that because I did not want to do it because I had to. I wanted to do it because I wanted to. And at the time, I didn't want to. [00:17:17]
It sounds a little twisty, but I would say, I'm going to develop this new pathway in my brain, this new rhythm in my heart to a level where eventually I will crave it. And that was about three or four years ago, and now I do. I crave my Bible every day.
I connect with Him by reading my Bible first and foremost. Talking about Him with people would probably be another amazing way that I love to connect with God. But then praying is one of my weaknesses. I have always grown up feeling like I didn't want to bother God with my problems.
What I'm working on currently is connecting with God in a constant communion kind of way, where I'm just chatting with Him throughout my day, asking Him for tangible things, asking Him for spiritual things, asking him to convict me, comfort me, and all sorts of things. I think those three ways probably: reading my Bible, connecting with other believers, and talking about Jesus, and praying.
Laura Dugger: What about when it comes to discipling your children? What does that actually look like in your family? [00:18:23]
Rach Kincaid: We do not read our Bible with our kids. We do not do nighttime story time and all of that with that kind of routine. Again, with the decision-making, there's only so much time in the day. So because we connect with our kids over the table for meals, that's where we do a lot of talking. We talk a lot about what's happening in the world, and then we try to relate that to what God thinks, what God meant when He designed us, and what He wants us to do about it.
Our kids are also very involved in the kids program at our church, and they come home with these little cards that help them find verses and talk about it. If I could give you one example of how I felt like I wasn't doing enough to disciple my son and then he surprised me with this story, and I realized that discipleship is a community-wide endeavor.
So the people, the trusted adults that are in our family group are discipling my son. And the people who are our servant leaders, that's what we call our volunteers at my church, they are discipling my son. And me, by living out a life that is following after Jesus, that is discipling my son. It's not necessarily having to sit next to him, read a Bible verse, pray with him, that kind of thing. [00:19:36]
So a few months ago, he had some birthday money, saved up his birthday money and bought this helicopter, and played with it so much that he was starting to kind of get in trouble with it. He was trying to sneak it out like in the middle of the night or waking up really early to play with it.
There was something I'm trying to remember the details. But whatever it was we had this talk with him where we said, "You're getting a little bit too obsessed with this helicopter. We need you to put it on the shelf. There's a time and place to play with it." It was a drone, like it could fly on its own So he would take it outside when he wasn't supposed to and it would crash into a tree. We would say, "You know, we don't want you to break it. We don't mean you to lose it. So you need to take care of it?"
Well, one day it wasn't working, and he's showing it to us. And we couldn't figure out why, because everything looked right. And we saw that a piece had been tampered with. And we asked him, "Did you mess with this little tab? If you pull this tab off, the helicopter won't fly." He said, "No."
Then, I mean, ten minutes later, he comes up to us. He's crying. He's weeping. "It was me. I pulled it. I thought that it was something else I could do with the helicopter. I didn't know. Also, I lied to you. And I'm really sorry." So he confessed that right away. [00:20:42]
And so he's processing it with my husband, and then I come upstairs because I hear them talking about it, and I sit down next to him. And he's not very affectionate. He's just not an affectionate dude. He likes to kind of sit next to me and look at me, not like crawl into my lap. So he was, I think, seven or eight at this point, and he said, "At church..." and he's what we call snubbing, which is when you're crying and doing this and trying to get your breath. And so he's doing the snubbing cry.
And he said, "At church, we're learning about treasures and how you're not supposed to store up treasures on earth because things can break and you can't take them with you, and that you need to store up treasures in heaven, things like kindness and goodness and learning how to be in God's family, because that's the stuff you can take with you. And I think I was storing up treasures on earth with my helicopter, and I think God wants me to stop." And I just lost my junk. [00:21:35]
So at this point, I'm like weeping. I'm like, "You understand. It's so beautiful." And then I realized I never taught in that verse. He learned it and discussed it at church. So it's just this cool reminder that I am not the sole person that's responsible for my kids' upbringing and their decision-making and all sorts of things, which is cool because it's encouraging in a way where you know that they can be loved on and raised up by a lot of different people. But you also know it's not your fault if they decide to walk away from all of that. It's all of us together doing our best to help them make the best decisions that they can by following after people who are following after Jesus.
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Laura Dugger: What about your view of work? How does your family view work and teach it to your children? [00:23:47]
Rach Kincaid: Well, our kids are all very hardworking little people. I think I'd start by talking about my work. I've tried really hard for them to understand that I don't leave the house because I want to. I leave the house because I'm working for our family, but also I'm working for the families that I serve.
So I don't want them to view work as a I gotta go, you know, work for the man so I can put food on the table and it become this… I don't know, this discouraging dark kind of future that awaits them. So I want them to see that they have to share me with my work. I want them to see that they have to share me with the people that I serve.
I'm a hospice nurse. I work with patients and their families at the end of life. So I want them to see the importance of that. Mama is leaving because she gets to do this thing. And also, we get to have food on the table. It's both and. So I want them to see that. [00:24:43]
My husband has primarily worked from home almost their entire lives. And we want them to see that both men and women can take responsibility for their kids inside and outside of the home. So that's important. He works full-time hours. He's one of the hardest-working men I know. But he goes into church or out to meetings, and then back home, we have a music studio in our house.
So that would be another example. I want them to respect our work inside the home. For example, while I'm doing this interview, they understand they should not be knocking on the door, bothering me. They should not be knocking on the door and bothering Dad when he's recording something or working on music, because it is his work. So just this idea, this sense of respect for work, that we get to do it.
And also that they're not too young. So they each have chores that they have to do, and then they each have chores that they like to do, that they kind of go above and beyond on a regular basis. And that's been really neat to watch. [00:25:36]
Our baby started doing chores when she was three. So it's just cool to see that they don't have to wait. Just like you don't have to wait till you're an adult to matter to the kingdom of God or to be a leader or to make a difference in the world, you also don't wait until you're a teenager or an adult to actually contribute to society, to contribute to our family. That's been really cool to kind of teach them a work ethic from an early age.
Laura Dugger: I love hearing that. And I think so many women can identify with you if they're working inside the home or outside the home. So many people will say that they struggle with feelings of guilt or questioning. Has that ever been your experience being a working mom?
Rach Kincaid: The only thing I still mourn, which I'm open about because it's a grieving process, is that I never got to stay home with my kids before they went to kindergarten. That has been painful for me over the years. And I'm at a place now where I know that I spent so much time with them. [00:26:36]
I had such a flexible schedule. when they were very, very young. So if they were in preschool, I could come to their performances, or even now that they're in elementary school, I can come into the classroom when they need me there. So that's been sweet, but also hard.
I would not say I've had mom guilt about not being around for my kids, because from the very first moment that Chris and I talked about parenting together, we both agreed that we were going to be a marriage-centered family. So our family revolves around our marriage, and not in a selfish way, but that our marriage has to be healthy for our kids to thrive, and for our kids to grow up healthy, and for our kids, hopefully, to have healthy marriages someday.
So in order for our marriage to be healthy, there has to be finances in order, there has to be date nights, there has to be conversations that take place without being interrupted by kids, there has to be work that fulfills us, that brings us joy, and that brings us a paycheck. [00:27:37]
And so I've never felt like I should be somewhere that I wasn't. I've never felt that I should have been the one with my kids all the time. Now, if they had to go to daycare from the very beginning, I can see that that guilt would creep in in a way that just feels like a little bit of despair.
I would say I felt that on a small level because I never got to be the sole caregiver for any of my kids during infancy. I went back to work when they were five weeks old, and then the twins, I got to stay home for three months, which was a miraculous gift. And then the baby, five weeks again. I went back to work at four and five weeks postpartum with those kids.
So it's just been hard, hard physically, hard emotionally, hard mentally. But I just can't allow the guilt to be piled up on top of that. I know that I'm doing what God called me to do. I know that my kids are going to be safe. I know that they're going to be okay. And I know that they actually might be better off. They might be better off seeing me fight. for the things that God's called me to do. [00:28:36] I don't know. We'll find out someday.
Laura Dugger: I so appreciate your vulnerability and the truth that you share around that. I'm curious, then, you say it is a grieving process, do you feel like that grieving process started right after they were born, or is it more something that you look back and you're grieving now as you're a few years distanced from it?
Rach Kincaid: I think I started grieving when my daughter, my baby, who's five now, started losing her baby fat and we were having to get rid of clothes and things like that. The cute little chubby roll started to disappear. And I realized we're done having kids. We can never come back to this day again. And before I know it, they're all going to be in school, and we're running out of time to make a decision if our lives are going to look any different kind of way.
But the beautiful part of that grief was that God used it to show me what I was going to do for the rest of my life. So I became a nurse because I knew my husband was going to be in vocational ministry. We felt called together for him to be in vocational ministry. And knowing that the pay and the income and the work might be unstable at times, I felt like nursing was a really easy, flexible, secure kind of career. [00:30:00] So I picked it just because, hey, I like helping people, and I heard you can be a nurse anywhere in the world, so I'll do that.
But if you fast forward five or six or seven years, I had now been a nurse for that long, and still it felt like a placeholder position. I pay the majority of the bills so that Daddy can lead people to Jesus in worship. That was me. I had put all that on myself.
But while I was grieving, I felt the Lord kind of say, like, then what do you want to do? You don't have to do this for the rest of your life. What do you want to do? And so now I'm in grad school. I'm studying to get my doctorate. I'm going to be a nurse practitioner for the adult and gerontological population. So old folks are my... that's my sweet spot.
It feels cool because I can say this has to be worth it. At one point, I was working 60 to 70 hours a week. I was going three days without seeing my kids at all, because I would come home after they were in bed, and I would leave before they woke up. [00:31:03] Thank God I left that job and found a better one.
But at the time, I was like, this has to be worth it. This can't be what the rest of my motherhood/career looks like. So I'm grateful that I allowed myself to feel those feelings and express them. And I can remember how it felt to sit and stare at my husband with tears rolling down my face, saying, "I cannot be a nurse for the rest of my life in the current position that I'm in just to support you to do what God's called you to do."
And he said, "Then what are we going to do? And I said, I think I want to go back to school." And he said, "Then we are going back to school." And when I picked the program, he said, then we are going to grad school and we are going to get our doctorate and we are going to do this together. And the whole family has been so encouraging and cheering for me.
Now my kids do their homework alongside me while I do my homework. And it feels like this sweet gift where I knew going into it that I was gonna quote, "miss out" on a lot with my kids. But now I get to share something extra special with them that I might not have otherwise. [00:32:05]
Laura Dugger: Speaking of your background in nursing, let's talk about health a little bit because it seems you put a really high priority on your health and the health of your family. Is that right?
Rach Kincaid: I do. I care a lot about it. We can get into the topic of keeping your kids healthy, but too often I feel like that's a nuanced conversation that would need to take place face-to-face. I don't ever want anybody to feel that I'm judging them or that I'm saying there's only one right way. I'm sure you've been through all the drama of how you birth your babies and how you feed your babies and when you vaccinate your babies and things like that.
So we have made all sorts of different decisions about those topics, but one of the things that I think is very important is introducing and maintaining a healthy diet with my kids. Now, don't get me wrong. We love fast food. We'll eat ice cream, pizza, the whole shebang. But at home, for example, we don't serve them a different meal. If they don't like what we're eating, then they don't eat dinner. [00:33:06]
And we don't serve juice. We just drink water. That's all my kids drink. I bought them each a water bottle. They can put stickers all over it. That's their special water bottle. They fill it up all day.
Another example would be my kids have never been medicated, as far as I can tell, with antibiotics. So I try to avoid that so that we can use it if they have a raging ear infection or a raging strep throat or something like that. I want to be able to save it for when I know it will work. And just because of the prevalence of antibiotic resistance and all of that, I try to not take them to the doctor if they're sick unless it's met a criteria that I have.
So that would be another random example that you have to make the decision when you're in the moment. And every parent and every family is different but my kids having a sore throat or a cough or a fever things like that typically for me that just warrants more fluids, they have to sleep, they don't get to go to school and I use a lot of essential oils along with the ibuprofen and the Tylenol and all that and just kind of wait it out. [00:34:07]
Maybe being a nurse has helped me with that because it makes me relax a lot more. I'm working in a primary care clinic right now where we see a lot of kids and for my clinicals for school, so I'm learning a lot from the doctors there. Nine times out of ten they're sending people right back home and saying, "You know, drink Gatorade and go to sleep." So I'm trying to avoid doctor's offices if we can and things like that.
I'm trying to think what else. I think those are the big things: what we eat and how we try to stay healthy. Right now I'm looking at my kids out the window because we have kicked them outside. We try to do screen time and before or after lunch if it's the summer or the weekend and not both.
I know the max is two hours a day but that includes phones and all sorts of things. So I know I'm not even sticking to that. I try just to spread it out. So we are on three acres of land and we have a trampoline and a swing set and we just kick our kids out. So right now they're on the front porch and rocking chairs and they've just climbed a couple of trees and chased each other around the yard, and then they'll come in for lunch when it's time and probably go back out in the afternoon. [00:35:12]
We are members at a gym. So my husband and I care a lot about taking care of our bodies that way. They have some programs for the kids, specifically in the summer where they move their bodies a lot in different types of activities. And swimming. We take our kids swimming. So I would say we do a lot of that.
Sometimes we go to the park and play football together as a family with the teenagers and things like that. That's been fun. As far as food goes, we just try to do a lot of veggies. So we used to have a garden. Our chickens have now taken over the garden. We started eating a lot of vegan meals a few… actually a year ago now.
We've never had dairy, a lot of dairy in the house because my husband's a singer and it affects the vocal cords. So my kids have grown up on almond milk and haven't had a problem with that. We don't really drink anything other than water. So almond milk and your cereal, they're not really going to notice a huge difference between that and cow's milk. [00:36:06] So that's been pretty easy.
A lot of green veggies. We eat a lot of tofu, salads, we call them fancy salads. I've learned that if you serve everything in different dishes, put it in the center of the table and let the kids put their own toppings on whatever you're serving, it suddenly becomes a fun meal. So, we'll do a beans and rice bar or a fancy salad bar or things like that, and suddenly my kids are eating things that they swore they would never eat just because they got to serve their own plate.
We eat a lot at home, but we also live in the South, so we love Chick-fil-A, and we go there every now and then, too. So, all about moderation.
Laura Dugger: So, you totally just gave me some ideas for dinner this week. What about self-care? How do you handle that?
Rach Kincaid: I love the topic of self-care and really I love pop culture. And so I love it when people argue about ideas, especially on the internet. It started with the obvious bubble baths and painting my nails or getting manicures or things like that. But also now that I'm looking back I can see areas of my life where I was taking care of myself and I just wasn't labeling it that way, such as building white space into my calendar so that we only had one event per day or things like that. Saying no to things so that you're not doing back-to-back activities or whatever it may be. [00:37:32] That is self-care.
Remembering this idea that... I just feel like we are on this earth for a reason and it is kind of an ongoing battle against darkness in a way that allows us to bring God's kingdom to earth. I know that we're safe and protected and all that, but every day really can be a battle. This idea of fighting darkness with the tools that He has given me, to me, that is self-care.
I'll give you an example. Me building a capsule wardrobe so that I know what I'm wearing every day and I don't waste any time speaking death over myself or trying to figure out a way to buy new clothes when we don't have the money to do it or things like that, like that is self-care. Or me getting a facial, to me that is self-care because I want to know that I'm taking the best possible care of my skin so that it will last me to age 75 or 80 so I can still do ministry. Or working out in the gym, same exact topic. I want this body to carry the good news and for a long time, so that is self-care. [00:38:35]
But also, like, the bubble baths with the magazine, you know, that is self-care. I recently subscribed to Vogue because I was reading other magazines that were a little gossipy and gross and would kind of suck me into the whole dark world of celebrities, dating celebrities. I like Vogue because it has high-interest, high-caliber writing about interesting people and cool pictures of fashion and things that I'm interested in, but not in a way that makes me covet or feel like, oh, must be nice and, you know, feel bad or down about myself.
I recently… when I finish studying for a test or taking an exam or anything, I love to flip through a magazine, a Vogue magazine. It's easy. It's not me numbing myself. And that's what I want to talk about next. Not me numbing myself or turning my brain off, but me just enjoying things that I know help me to enjoy life more. I think it's totally appropriate. [00:39:31]
So the danger of self-care is when we are self-medicating, when we are numbing ourselves because we don't want to deal with whatever we're supposed to be dealing with. Right now, I am the healthiest emotionally I think I've ever been. I just finished counseling. I'm in this crazy place of breakthrough with my husband with radical vulnerability and accountability and allowing myself to be convicted when I need to repent or confess and feeling like nobody has any debt with me. Just feeling very wild and free and open. And I love that.
So, therefore self-care helps me to maintain and continue that. If you're applying self-care to a broken place, That's called self-medication. That's just like drinking too much or taking meds or whatever that you do to numb yourself. I think it's important to differentiate that and identify what are we doing for self-care and why and how is it helping our lives point more to Jesus. [00:40:31]
Laura Dugger: I think that's so good to make the distinction, and like you said, pointing it back to Jesus. That God designed each of us with a certain personality, and self-care is really just doing something that makes you more of the self God designed you to be.
Rach Kincaid: Right, right.
Laura Dugger: That was really helpful. If anybody's looking for another magazine recommendation, have you ever heard of Life Beautiful?
Rach Kincaid: No, I haven't.
Laura Dugger: I love it. It's kind of like real simple for Christians, I would say. It's got so much scripture and encouraging stories. It's called Life Beautiful. We'll put it in the show notes.
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How does your family intentionally live in community?
Rach Kincaid: Well, we are part of a church that has family groups. So I would say that, first of all, those folks get our priority. And that has been an interesting dynamic that's popped up in my life over the last couple of years.
When people... I'm not saying that I'm super popular and everybody wants to hang out with me. But if I get an invitation to hang out with someone, I have learned how to prioritize it. If they are not a woman in my community group and they are not a woman that I'm already actively investing in, whether that be mentoring or just a healthy two-way accountability type relationship, then I really have to say no, because I just don't have the time. [00:42:40]
So I've been able to prioritize relationships in my life based on the importance of community. So our family group from church is really important. The people with whom I serve at church are also really important. That's a separate group of people I serve in the teen ministry.
So the men and women that serve there, I want to get to know them as best as I can outside of church, because they are with me on the front lines when it comes to student ministry. And so I want to know them well. Those are the two big groups of folks that we hang out with. And then our kids just come alongside us all the time. So they're with us every time we're with these people, which is really cool.
Another interesting thing is over the last two years. I've started making time for one lunch per month with a couple of different girls So I think it's three right now that I'm hanging out with. They're either in college or out of college or newlywed.
And it all started out because they would ask me, you know, I'd like you to disciple me basically. I'd like to be mentored. But within two or three months, it became, we're just friends and we're just friends walking alongside one another, trying to point each other to Jesus. [00:43:39] And if I do have experience in an area that you need help with, I'm happy to share that with you. But that's been a really cool intentional piece of community as well.
Laura Dugger: Oh, I love that. How do you and Chris ensure that your household is marriage-centered and doesn't swing to the side of being child-centered?
Rach Kincaid: That's a great question. My husband is very strict about a couple of different things. And one of those, we used to listen to a lot of sermons and educational resources by Andy Stanley, the pastor. He's actually the one that created this idea of marriage-centered family. But he and his wife used to talk about disciplining their kids for only three things, and that was dishonesty, disobedience, and disrespect, the three D's.
So my husband still kind of sticks to those things. So he has a very low tolerance for disrespect, dishonesty, and disobedience. And I would say that the disrespect part is the most important part to the marriage-centered family. So if we have kids that are chatting in the living room and my husband and I are in a conversation in our bedroom and the kids just barge in, it's not even like, excuse me, we were talking. It will be ghosted in timeout, "We'll let you know when you can get up" or whatever it is because he wants that to be a very quick instant reminder that you are not allowed to interrupt Mama and Daddy. That is the most important. Unless it's an emergency. [00:45:03] And we taught them how to say, Emergency, if it is, because there have been a few. So that's been really interesting.
Another thing that he has implemented that I have followed him in is that they come out of timeout on their own. So the stairs is our timeout. It's in the center of our house. Everybody can see them. So they're not like hiding in secret anywhere. We just send them there all.. that we don't ever say timeout. But we send them to the stairs to reset.
So if they're mad at someone, if they've just freaked out, if they've been disrespectful or rude or even if they just need a break because they're starting to fight with their siblings, we'll say, Hey, go take a break on the stairs. And they can come out of that timeout whenever they're ready. They just have to come process it with an adult. I think that also kind of feeds into the idea that we are not revolving our world around them. We're inviting them into our world. And the way that we handle conflict is taking a break, confessing our sin, having normal, healthy, level-headed conversations with one another. And so we try to implement that in our home. [00:46:01]
Laura Dugger: So many practical tips there. What about the topic of the Sabbath? Is there anything that your family does to honor the Sabbath?
Rach Kincaid: We do. Chris and I have to take a Sabbath. First of all, Sunday is, very rarely, Sabbath for anybody who works for a church or even if you serve a lot at a church. So I think it's important to look for another chunk of the week, whether it be four hours or eight hours or whatever you could do, where you call that your Sabbath as well.
So Sundays are definitely not our Sabbath, but they are for our kids. So we come home after church and they rest. We all rest for a little bit, but typically I'm only home for about two hours before I have to go back to church for the teens.
So Chris and I, before grad school, we took a Sabbath together every Thursday morning. Back in the day, it was every Friday. But for the most part, we try to take four hours together. where we grab breakfast out together or go on a walk together or try something new. We took a spin class one time together. And it's just that reminder that, again, with Jess Connelly, I feel like I always talk about her, but she and her husband are so wise. And they have talked about, we work from a place of rest. We don't rest from our work. [00:47:15] So the harder we kind of swing into rest, the more momentum we're going to have rolling back into the work.
And so if God is powerful enough to create everything He did and He still took arrest, then we need to model our lives after Him. So I would say separate from Sunday, if Sunday is wild, and it doesn't have to be all day, but we definitely do.
And we typically put our phones somewhere where they can get lost. If there's an emergency, we'll turn the ringers on. Basically, we just don't look at them, you know, put them in the front hallway or something like that and try to really engage with one another. We are also currently reading through a marriage book together on audio. So it's really cheesy, but he has one earbud and I have one earbud and we listen to a chapter at a time.
Laura Dugger: That's awesome. What book is it, if you don't mind me asking?
Rach Kincaid: It's called Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. And the chapters each end up being about 30 to 45 minutes on audio. So it's been perfect for us to just do one chapter at a time. But the kind of the theme is that what if marriage was designed to make us more holy instead of happy? And this idea that marriage is an example of Christ's love for the church. And so therefore, it's supposed to be hard and refining because Jesus died for the church. [00:48:34] So it wasn't like this easy romantic love. So it's been really cool.
Laura Dugger: That's so great. We've covered so many topics, but is there anything else that your family does that you would like to share?
Rach Kincaid: I would say making adventure out of the mundane has been really powerful for us because we are a family of eight and obviously the resources are finite. We have found ways to make things fun in areas where we might not be able to experience adventure in a way that other families can.
So I'll explain. We've never been able to go on a spring break vacation to Disney World and spend thousands of dollars on making memories that way. But this past spring break, we made t-shirts that the kids wore every single day. I made a playlist, and we came up with one adventure that we did each day. Sometimes it was as simple as dollar cupcakes at a bakery in town or going to the park or the library or something like that.
My husband is great about being silly with it. And so he will do things like call everything spring break, whatever. Like, "Come downstairs. It's time for spring break breakfast." and the kids are falling over themselves to get downstairs and it's a bowl of Cheerios. It's not a big deal.
I think that has been really cool, a practical way to make life fun instead of just saying, well, someday when we raise these kids and we have more money and we have more time, our life will be more adventurous. [00:49:54] I try to bring the adventure to the right now.
Laura Dugger: That's so fun. Is there anything else that's consuming your thoughts in this season?
Rach Kincaid: On my bad day in my flesh, I'm worried that I will leave the wrong kind of legacy. I'm worried that my kids will remember the hard times, the times that I yelled, the times that I embarrassed them or I didn't handle things correctly, and that that will define their relationship with me and maybe even their relationship with God. So that's what I let my thoughts do when my flesh runs away with me.
What I am reminded of is that God's grace to me is also God's grace to my children. It's a gift, and they can learn how to use it. And as long as I continue to go low and go humble and remind them that I'm doing this for the first time, and I love them with all of my heart, and I'm, quote-unquote, "doing my best," but even my best is not enough because they need Jesus to fill those holes and those voids and those wounds, and then they're able to receive that grace and then maybe extend that grace back to me. [00:51:03]
So consuming my thoughts, yes, just because I've got a kid out of the house now, and then one going to kindergarten or in kindergarten, and that just feels like, wow, such a sense of finality. Everything's moving so fast.
I keep screwing up every day, but just to remember that, like, right, you do screw up because you are human in need of a Savior. And as long as you continue to remind your kids of that and share that Savior with them, we're going to make it. We're going to make it with happy memories, and the legacy will be a legacy of the gospel.
Laura Dugger: That is very relatable. No doubt listeners are going to want to follow up and connect with you after hearing you today. So where can they find you online?
Rach Kincaid: I am at Rachkincaid.com and Rach Kincaid on all the social media platforms. So I look forward to talking with you guys.
Laura Dugger: Awesome. Well, as we close today, we are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" means practical knowledge. And so today we would love to hear, what is your savvy sauce? [00:52:01]
Rach Kincaid: I think at the risk of going so boring with this, because it is practical, to stop before you go anywhere or do anything or start a busy day and really prioritize what it is you have to do. That helps you stay on track and it keeps you almost like with this sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.
So if you're not a to-do list person, maybe you should become one. Because I have one on my desktop of my laptop and one on my chalkboard in my kitchen, one on my phone. And these are just things that pop into my head not like a must do this by this day. Just things that are popping into my head. Because when I get them out of my head it gives me more room in my head for the things that matter like engaging my kids, engaging my community, spending time with the Lord, spending time with my husband. So I would definitely say to just stop, pause, and prioritize.
Laura Dugger: That's so good. Man, I could just ask you questions all day long. I've really enjoyed this time together, and I've learned so much from you. So thank you for being a guest again, Rachel.
Rach Kincaid: Thank you for having me. [00:53:05]
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. [00:54:11]
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started? [00:55:13]
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. [00:56:11]
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday May 06, 2019
Monday May 06, 2019
52. Top 10 Listener Questions Related to the Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Relationship with Author of The Mother-In-Law Dance, Annie Chapman
**Transcription Below**
Psalm 90:12 “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
Annie Chapman is the author of “The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along?” In addition to being an author of many books,Annie is wife to Steve, mother to 2 adult children, and grandmother to 6. Her perspective as both a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law brings unique clarity to this discussion.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
The Mother-in-Law Dance: Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? by Annie Chapman
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When listeners heard we were going to be discussing the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship, we got a lot of awesome questions and comments! We want to share a few of those with you today.
3 Things Daughters-in-Law Appreciated:
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Most Common Response: Offering help with the grandkids. One listener wrote in: “My mother-in-law loves my kids so deeply and intensely. She is incredibly generous with them (and us)! She is also beyond gracious and giving with her time. She will, at least a couple of times a year, have them overnight for an extended time. This allows me and my husband to travel (often abroad) with ZERO concern/worry about the kids’ wellbeing."
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“My mother in law is really thoughtful, like extremely thoughtful. She remembers things I mention and then at Christmas or my birthday will buy me a book about it or a gift.”
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“Since we got married she has always (subtly) acknowledged me as the most important woman in my husband’s life and never felt threatened by me or tried to assert her role. She is nothing but supportive of our relationship and our family which is huge for us. She also has a very strong relationship with the Lord and I know she is daily in prayer for our family and that means so much to me.”
3 Things Mothers-in-Law Appreciated:
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Number One response was how the wife treated her son (seconded by her love of her grandchildren), such as saying my daughter-in-law “keeps a clean home for my son and grandchildren.” or I appreciate how “my daughter-in-law either vocalizes or shows in front of me her love and appreciation for my son.” and “She deeply loves my son"
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“I like when she brings a meal to show thanks for the regular babysitting we do.”
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“I like when she keeps me in the loop about the grandkids and how they are doing”
3 Challenges for a Daughter-in-Law:
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“Honestly, I often find myself frustrated at the way she parented (or didn’t parent) her kids, which directly impacts the way my husband interacts/reacts/acts with me and the family in general.”
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“She inserts herself, her worries, and her opinions in our lives a little too much. Like when we were moving, she wanted to keep planning and thinking through things with me, things that my husband and I needed to decide. Not her."
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“I get frustrated being told when and where I will be, instead of being asked…such as “we’re doing Easter on Easter Sunday this year.” (with the understanding that yes, you’ll be there, and you don’t have a say in it.) Not only will I be more likely to make it work, but I’ll also have a better outlook and attitude about being there.”
3 Challenges for a Mother-in-Law:
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“The general bad rap that mother-in-laws automatically have”
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"Feeling like we are only good for babysitting.”
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“When I do speak, it is sometimes misinterpreted and misunderstood by them. When I help in ways that I think is being helpful they perceive my help as an insult. For example, they think that I don’t think they are doing a good enough job as a mother or housekeeper. My motive is that whatever help I can give them, any job I can do for them (any cleaning or picking up, etc…) is something they don’t have to do if I do it for them which i think would give them more time to do other things. My mother did that for me and I regarded her as help I could depend on. I always welcomed my mother’s help.”
Encouragement from one mother-in-law to another: “I found being a good mother in law to be one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever faced. I’ve learned so many things too late! And the learning process continues…Say as little as possible and most of the time don’t speak at all, just listen. Don’t voice your opinion or give an idea or a suggestion ever never ever ever ever! Even if you disagree with what they’re saying or what they are doing. BE QUIET EXCEPT validate what they are saying and what they are doing with positive words of encouragement and praise and most of all show them kindness, love, patience, compassion, and be an understanding, sympathetic listener."
Encouragement from one daughter-in-law to another: “Look for the heart behind the comment. I think a lot of mother-in-law’s give unsolicited advice because they’re proud of how their son turned out, and they want to be relevant and helpful to their daughter-in-law. If we were smart we would ask for the advice because they have wisdom that we need.”
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is brought to you by Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Stay tuned for insider tips we're going to share during the episode.
The topic of the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship was so popular that we decided to bring back a returning guest. Annie Chapman is the author of The Mother-in-Law Dance, and she joins us again today to answer some questions that you, the listeners, wrote in.
I want everybody to know that the people who did write us questions truly had a lot of good to say about their mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, but there were also some areas where they got confused by the other person's actions.
Today, we hope to bring clarity and encouragement to the in-law relationship in your life. Here's our chat.
Welcome back to the Savvy Sauce, Annie.
Annie Chapman: Well, I'm glad to be back.
Laura Dugger: We're so glad to have you join us again. If anybody missed our previous interview, can you tell us a bit about yourself? [00:01:20]
Annie Chapman: Well, I am a wife of going on 44 years. I have a daughter and son that are grown and six grandchildren, which is the reward for not killing your children when you want to when they're teenagers is they may grow up and reproduce and give you some incredible grandchildren. That's what we have.
Laura Dugger: That's wonderful. You wrote this incredible book called The Mother-in-Law Dance, and I've never seen a resource quite like it. You share so many stories that illustrate the misunderstandings that can often take place in this relationship. So do you mind just sharing a few of those stories or examples with us today?
Annie Chapman: Well, I'll be glad to. The one that precipitated the actual idea of writing this book was a friend who went to her son and daughter-in-law's house and found that they had not prepared for her visit. She felt slighted that the bed wasn't made and there was no food. [00:02:21]
And then to top it off, the daughter-in-law was involved with a mother-daughter event at church. She just assumed but since this girl's mother lived, you know, out of state and she was right there that she would invite her mother-in-law to go with her, and she didn't. And it hurt her feelings so bad that I saw her at the airport when she was coming home and she said, "I will never go back to that house again."
It made me so sad the relationship between a mother-in-law and a daughter-in-law can be so fractured and sometimes over little or nothing. but still fractured. and the peace of that whole family really depends on whether that mother-in-law and daughter-in-law get along, because if they're at odds with one another, it alienates the son.
This is what I say, Shame on any mother who makes her son choose between her and his wife, and shame on any son that does not choose his wife. It is fragile. And that's why we have to work so hard to make the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law relationship strong and worthwhile, because it is. [00:03:30] We need to keep it going so that there'd be peace in the family.
Laura Dugger: You have shared it all from such a God-honoring perspective. This may be a little off-topic, but is it right that you studied at Moody Institute?
Annie Chapman: Yes, I graduated from there in Home Missions. I didn't even know what that meant. I originally studied music. We didn't have a piano and I wanted to learn so I made a piece of cardboard and drew the keys on it and I actually learned to play the piano on cardboard.
So when I went to Moody to study music, and these kids had had piano lessons since they were three, I couldn't cut the music program. So I switched to home missions, which it's missions that are designed to be at home. Just any mission work that is done within the confines of the continental U.S. is considered home missions.
Laura Dugger: Interesting. Well, thank you for sharing that. We'll get back to this topic of the relationship between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It was so popular, we actually gave our listeners a chance to write questions they had about their relationship with their in-law. [00:04:36] We're going to include five of those from both perspectives.
So let's start with questions from the perspective of the mother-in-law. The first one wrote, "Is it biblical to give advice only if asked? And does conventional wisdom say this is the best path to take?"
Annie Chapman: I believe you keep your advice to a minimum. It works both ways. I have given advice and learned to regret it, and I have taken advice and learned to regret it. So yes, I believe we keep our advice to a bare minimum.
I don't know that it's a place for a mother-in-law to teach the daughter-in-law. I know there's a lot of unmothered and unmentored young women out there. I believe that has to be only by invitation and serious invitation, where you just don't see an opening and so you decide to share all your wisdom. I think it has to be invited. [00:05:36]
Now, maybe not any other relationship, but there's something about the mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, that is so... I keep coming back to the word "fragile". I just don't think that to give advice readily is a wise thing to do.
Laura Dugger: So even if the mother-in-law is very wise and maybe has some wonderful knowledge to share, it wouldn't be wisest for her to offer that without the daughter-in-law approaching her and clearly asking. Is that right?
Annie Chapman: That's exactly what I'm saying. I just think it's a real mistake because even if you start out and she likes what you're saying, that point when it comes that she disagrees, I don't think it's smart. But let me just add this. This is where it says older women are to teach the younger women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be keepers at home, you know, be sober-minded and all that.
I believe that maybe that mother-in-law can teach a different young woman, but there should be a different older woman teaching that to that daughter-in-law. Do you know what I'm saying? [00:06:43]
Laura Dugger: Oh, that makes a lot of sense.
Annie Chapman: Yeah, there's definitely room where young girls and women need to be taught by older women. I just don't think it's the mother-in-law that should do it.
Laura Dugger: Another mother-in-law wrote in: "What healthy tips do you have for establishing expectations early on regarding holidays and special occasions?"
Annie Chapman: I believe that it helps for them to work together. That's what happened with us. My mom and Steve's mom lived nine miles apart in West Virginia. So when we went home for holidays we went home to both families. That sounds really convenient and good, except what happens when both of them want the same day.
So we put that into the hands of my mom and my mother-in-law and asked them to work that out between them. So then it left us kind of doing what our moms wanted us to do.
But then in our situation, our kids live in town, their in-laws live out of town. Here's where I have to really grow up. And I found out I can't be pitiful and powerful at the same time. So I relinquish, by my will, those holidays and we have learned to celebrate occasions and not dates. [00:08:03]
Sometimes we don't even get to have a Thanksgiving because both of the kids go to their in-laws and I just don't have the heart to make him eat another turkey, you know, just because it's my turn. You know, again, it comes back to being willing to serve and to be humble about it and not demand your own way.
You know, Philippians 2, "Regarding the other's needs as more important than your own, not looking out for your own personal interest, but for the interest of others." And then it says, "Let this attitude be in you that was in Christ Jesus, and who was a greater servant than Jesus?" So if we're Christ followers, it's in the blueprint how we're supposed to treat each other.
Laura Dugger: Another one writes in, "How do I navigate the difficulty that comes with a daughter-in-law favoring her own mother, which I know is natural?"
Annie Chapman: Oh yeah, of course she is. You have to accept that, that I don't want to take my daughter-in-law's... the place of her mother. I don't want to do that. [00:09:12] I had a situation where I was kind of confronted with that at my daughter's wedding.
You know, when you're taking pictures and my daughter, just such a wonderful young lady, and she's standing there and her mother-in-law was on one side and I was standing there, and she says to the photographer, "Take a picture of me and my two moms." Well, I wanted to throw up in my mouth at that moment. "Hello, your two moms? Did she nurse you through measles? Did she pay for your braces?" I just, in an instant, was like, my back just kind of went up. Two moms? I'm the mother. Let's get that straight.
But I had a choice at that moment to make a scene, make Heidi feel bad, make a point. I chose to step up and Heidi put her arm around both of us and we both smiled for the camera. And I'm so glad we did because that was bringing her mother-in-law into the fold. And I could have pushed her out in a moment but I chose not to do that. And that picture always reminds me that was a good choice that day to smile and to say, "It's okay, she does have a mother-in-law. It's not her mother, but that was Heidi's way of bringing her in into her love circle at that moment." [00:10:40] And so we have to choose.
Now, Heidi ended up having the most amazing mother-in-law. She is so thoughtful. She is so generous. The three grandkids right this minute are in Atlanta with that mother-in-law. I'm glad that Heidi did that that day, and I'm glad that somehow I found the heart to let Heidi do what she needed to do to bring that mother-in-law into that relationship.
So I don't know if that answers the question. I think mothers are, of course, they're special, but to acknowledge that there's another woman there that can be very special to that daughter, I think is important too.
Laura Dugger: I don't know the background of who this is or what their story is, but let's just say that this mother-in-law is writing, maybe her daughter-in-law doesn't acknowledge her and only favors her own mother. What encouragement would you offer that mother-in-law?
Annie Chapman: Oh, yeah. How hurtful can that be? Especially if the mother-in-law wants to be that special person to the daughter-in-law and wants to have a loving relationship with her and she feels pushed aside or ignored. [00:11:54] Yeah, I ran into that. I ran into that when I surveyed for the book.
There's just hardly anything more painful than to watch someone that feels rejected by a daughter-in-law. I would say send cards, keep saying nice things. You know, don't be too pushy. But make sure that that door is always open, that when the daughter-in-law is willing to embrace the mother-in-law and let her in, you just have to tread pretty lightly.
I'm hoping that the son is sensitive to this. You know, the son, the man, he is the key. He is the problem and he is the bridge to this relationship between these two women. You know, the subtitle, Can Two Women Love the Same Man and Still Get Along? Yes, but you know what? That boy in between, that man in between those two women can play a vital part.
And if I was the mother and my son was allowing me to be disrespected, that would hurt me worse than if the daughter-in-law was not being nice to me. So the key to that relationship really does lie in the son. And he is the bridge that should be working to make sure that his mother feels honored and his wife feels chosen. [00:13:23]
It's a sad thing. I wouldn't even know. I guess you just have to try to chip away at that iceberg and do it with kindness. You're not going to do it with confrontation. I'll give you that. I'll tell you that one. If you think you're going to go to the daughter-in-law, dress her down and berate her for not treating you right, that's not going to be the right approach. I think you've got to go and chip away at the iceberg and use some honey to do it.
Laura Dugger: I love that.
Some of you have reached out to find specific books or resources that we have mentioned in one of our episodes. That's why I'm so excited to let you know about our new Resources tab. When you visit thesavvysauce.com, you can now click on our new tab called "Resources". There you will find all the resources we've ever mentioned on all the episodes of The Savvy Sauce. And when you purchase a resource from that list, you actually support our work at The Savvy Sauce.
We also spend a lot of time preparing show notes for every individual episode, so you can still access the websites, scripture, and recommended resources when you click on any individual episode. We hope you take advantage of these features so you can apply all that you've learned.
Another mother-in-law wrote in, "What are the most helpful boundaries that you recommend?" [00:14:40]
Annie Chapman: I think the telephone. I think making sure that, you know, that there's an understanding. This has happened in our family before where my daughter and I have gotten together and we've said, let's do, you know, a birthday dinner, say. Let's do it at this time, and let's do it at this place. You contact the daughter-in-law. I'll do that a lot of times, and that's not fair to my daughter-in-law, where I'll have my daughter running interference. You call her and tell her what we're thinking.
Well, that usually doesn't go very well. My daughter-in-law wants to be in the loop, and she doesn't want to be told what's gonna happen. She likes to be asked. She likes for me to be the one that clears the way with her. So, you know, that's just plain manners. And boy, is it hard to... You can be in-laws for 30 years, 40 years and, you know, one misstep and you mess things up, who knows for how long.
But the important boundary is communication. You call before you come over, you call and you talk things over. And you just keep that line of communication open. That's the only thing I can think of is you just treat each other with manners. Wouldn't that take care of most boundaries if you just treat each other like you'd treat a friendly stranger?
We're nicer to people at the grocery store that we don't know, we say please and thank you, and hello than we do sometimes our family members. [00:16:18]
Laura Dugger: And as our fifth question from a mother-in-law, she writes in, "I'd love to know how I can be more helpful to them in general." And I think she's meaning her son and daughter-in-law. "I'd especially like to know if they'd appreciate more help with their kids." What are your thoughts?
Annie Chapman: When our son and daughter-in-law didn't have children, it was hard to get them to come to see me. But when they got three kids, it's amazing how much they want to see me and how much they want help. And my saying is, being needed is almost as good as being wanted.
I think as grandmothers and mothers-in-law, sometimes we might feel needed more than we feel wanted. But, you know, take what you can get. I would ask if your kids want to have help with the kids. I don't know that my daughter or my daughter-in-law has ever turned down a date night. You know, I'll keep the kids and you all can go out on a date. [00:17:21] Or how about if I keep them overnight and you can have the morning and go out for breakfast. I've never been turned down for that.
So all you got to do is ask, you know, if they need more help. Now, if they think that you're undermining them when the kids are with you, if they think the kids are exposed to something they shouldn't be exposed to. I know one mother-in-law smoked. Her son didn't want the kids to come to her house. Do you choose the cigarettes or do you choose the grandkids?
There's reasons why sometimes people will put up boundaries and say the kids can't come over. Maybe you have people that stop by that they don't trust. So you've got to really look at it. If my kids don't trust me with their children, why? And if it's just that they don't know that I would love to keep them, then tell them and just work that out.
We're from Tennessee, so we have guns in our house. My husband is a hunter and my daughter-in-law does not like firearms at all. [00:18:27] So when she comes, everything's locked up. And when the kids are here, everything's locked up, everything is put away. And she'll ask, "Are the guns put away?" I said, "Yeah, they're in a safe. The only way they can get them out is my fingerprints." Okay.
But she said, "I'm sorry, I have to ask." In order for her to feel comfortable with the kids being here, that's her baseline — she needs to know that they can't get into any guns or anything. So you have to look and be practical about that.
Now, what if we said, hey, we believe in the Second Amendment and we want our firearms out and stuff. Well, our grandkids aren't going to get to come stay with us. If that's the hill we're going to die on, we're not going to get our grandkids. So you just have to work with each other. Tell them you'd like to keep the kids. Find out if there is a reason they don't want you to keep the kids and fix that if you can.
Laura Dugger: Those are great examples. And now we're going to flip it to the other side, to the perspective of the daughter-in-law. So one writes in and she said, "Can you describe an appropriate relationship between a daughter-in-law and mother-in-law?" And she goes on to give us a little bit of context. She said, "How necessary is it for me to pursue a growing relationship with my mother-in-law? I'm content with our current relationship and honestly prefer to keep a bit of distance." [00:19:47]
Annie Chapman: Well, that happens. You know, not everybody is all lovey-dovey. And I wonder if the mother-in-law is just as content. You know, if there's not conflict there. I would kind of take a cue from my husband. He might know maybe there's reason to have a little distance there.
But you know, as long as they're cordial and kind to one another, maybe acknowledge birthdays or, you know, where they're not just ignoring each other and being mean, but maybe they don't want to spend a whole lot of time together. There's a lot of people in my life that I can be nice to and cordial, even family members, but you don't particularly want to spend the afternoon sitting around the pool with.
So I guess there's other people... If the mother-in-law and father-in-law are okay with that, if the husband's okay with it, then I guess you keep a nice cordiality about it. But maybe not have to be, you know, lean in so far to be extremely close. [00:20:49]
Laura Dugger: You're saying it's not biblically mandated that you need to pursue a growing relationship with your mother-in-law at all times?
Annie Chapman: I think when that happens, it's wonderful. To say that it's always going to happen... This is what I found when I did these surveys. There wasn't a whole lot of ambivalent feelings between mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law. There was either "I have the best" or "do I have a chapter for you". It was like hot and cold. I didn't find a lot of just lukewarm relationships, but I'm sure that there are.
And if this is one of those lukewarm that, you know, kind of take it or leave it, I don't know that I would press in too far because usually people do things for a reason. And if there's distance, there may be a reason for that. And if it's not a conflict, but it's just kind of an ambivalence between them, maybe you go with that.
Laura Dugger: I think that makes a lot of sense. The next question is from multiple daughters-in-law, so we're going to combine it because they were both in different situations. They write, "What are some guidelines for the recommended amount of help to expect if you are raising grandchildren close to your mother-in-law? And then the same thing when you live far away from your in-laws." [00:22:11]
Annie Chapman: This was a very interesting part I found as I researched for the book. There were grandmothers who wanted to be completely hands-on every week. Myself, this is what I do. Every Tuesday I have my daughter's three. They spend the night. I wash their hair, I give them baths, I send them home in clean clothes, take them to their music lessons, and then deliver them at noon... Because they're homeschooled, we can do this. Deliver them at noon on Wednesday.
And the kids, they say their favorite day of the week is Tuesday because they get to do this. It's a lot of effort on my part. I pay them to practice their musical instruments. Thus, my 13-year-old granddaughter is an incredible violinist. The 10-year-old can play the mandolin, and the 6-year-old plays the drums. We have children following different musical tastes. But I do this, and I love it. [00:23:15]
I have friends who, if you told them they were going to have to give up two of their days, would say, "Hey, I raised my kids. I don't want to do that." I also take my son's children on Fridays and they spend the night Friday nights and we deliver them sometime on Saturday.
It's a gift that I give my children that I'm willing to give. Not every grandmother wants four of her days. occupied with grandkids. And you can't fault the mother-in-law if she doesn't want to keep them all the time. When my husband is gone, when I have the kids, I always say, they're going to cry harder at my funeral than they'll cry at yours. Because how do they know us unless they spend time with us?
So what do we expect? I don't think you can expect that out of the grandmothers and grandfathers, but I think you can appreciate it and show appreciation when they're willing to do it. If you ask and they say no... I mean, I know personally a grandmother who does not want to keep her grandkids. It's just her choice. And she said, "I raised my kids. I'm not raising someone else's." It's a choice she's made. [00:24:26]
Now, it's not a choice that I want to make. But the word in that question that catches me is "expectation". What can I expect? And I think maybe that's the problem, is we shouldn't expect, we shouldn't assume. We should offer. And if it's accepted, be grateful for that.
Now, as far as far away, you know, that's a whole different animal of how you relate to your grandkids. I'm so glad that there's Skype and there's ways to keep in touch. Heidi's mother-in-law lives out of town, and she's got her grandkids this week for a week, and she does this at least a couple of times a year.
Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: The next daughter-in-law wrote, "How much should you talk to your mother-in-law about issues in your relationship? It seems like tricky waters. You don't want to rail on her beloved son, but she also has a lot of insight into him and his behavior." [00:26:35]
Annie Chapman: That's an easy question for me to answer. You don't criticize your husband to his mother. I think that's a real mistake. If you need help as a wife, there are counselors, there's people to talk to. I don't think you criticize her son. Because in a real sense, it's not criticizing her son, it almost feels like you're blaming the mother. If you criticize him, she feels blamed. If you praise him, she takes the credit.
So I just think it's a real mistake. For one thing, she can't help what he's doing. Her mommy days are over. He is not her baby. He is that woman's husband. And so to burden that mother with information that she can't do anything about, especially if they want her to butt out and keep her nose out of their business, to tell her things that will only compound that and hurt her.
If the wife is expecting the mom to go and chastise the husband for doing certain things, she's expecting that mother to start mothering him again and then he is again the child. I don't think that's a good situation. So I would say if you can't say something nice about her son, don't say anything at all.
Laura Dugger: The next one writes in and says, "Is it biblical, this idea of spoiling the grandchildren and then giving them back to the parents?" [00:28:09] She says, "I believe it's more biblical to ally together for a greater good. Can you provide any wisdom here?"
Annie Chapman: I don't think that it's the job of the grandparents to make the job of the parents more difficult. For some reason, our grandkids always behave better with us than they do their parents. And my daughter-in-law asked me that one day. She said, "Why don't they cry when they're with you? Why don't they demand when they're with you?" I said, "We're not the prize. Your attention is their prize. They're just used to a different way here."
When my grandkids start to fuss and cry at my house, they call me Didi, I say, "At Didi's house, there's only love and happiness. Let's see smiles." I don't even let them think that they're allowed to be mean at Didi's house or have fights or anything. It's like, "Oh, that's not what we do here." Well, when they go home, it's a whole different setting. [00:29:09]
And so I don't want to spoil them, but I do want them to have good memories of being at our house. I want there to be joy and happiness.
The way I look at it, a parent's job is to create and develop and build character in their children, because you're building little temples where God wants to dwell. That's the definition of parenting. The definition of grandparenting to me is making wonderful memories.
Now, that's a different skill set than building temples where God wants to dwell. Of course, we come alongside and we don't tear down what the parents are doing. We want to add to it, but I want memories, good memories when they come to my house.
We do things a little differently here. I pay the children. I said I paid them to practice their musical instruments. I also pay them to memorize scripture. [00:30:12] And I tell them what chapters. They don't get to memorize one of the short Psalms. They've memorized Psalm 91. They've memorized 1 Corinthians 13, Colossians 3, different passages. I pay them to do that because I want God's Word in them.
Now, that's not something necessarily that their parents can do. But I can do it. And they want money so they do memorize. And I do pay them for practicing their instruments. The other day, I said, "Y'all are breaking the bank because I had to pay them so much money because they're doing such good things."
So I feel like I am contributing to them. But my job is not to raise them. My job is to let them enjoy life at Didi and Papa's house, and I pay them to have fun.
Laura Dugger: You sound like such a dream. This is so wonderful. I love that you're still allying with them for the greater good because your way of making memories, you're still pointing them to scripture and different things. Can you give more examples of what it looks like for the grandparents to tear down the temple? [00:31:24]
Annie Chapman: We want them to have a unique and a fabulous experience when they come to our house, but we want that to build on what the parents are doing. My grand-girls, their dad has set a rule that until they have read their Bibles and practiced their musical instruments, they're not allowed to have any screen time.
You know, when they want to look at my iPad or my phone, they're pretty self-policed, you know, because they know... I'll just say, have you done what your dad asked you to do? Have you done your Bible and your music? And if they say yes, then I say, what do you want to see on the screen? It's usually they want to look at American Girl dolls and so I'll let them do that. And then there's a time restriction.
The parents have set these rules, which I appreciate because I don't want their faces stuck in a screen all the time here too. I want them to do puzzles. I want them to do art. [00:32:26] Steve's a wonderful artist and for a whole year of homeschool, he did art class with them. They don't have time to sit and watch television and stuff like that when they're here because we have a lot of other things. I say, "You can do that anytime. I want us to do this."
And now in the mornings when they wake up or after they get their work done, if they want to watch a VeggieTale, that's fine. But no, my job is not to undo what their parents have done. It's to build on it. I don't feel like I have to replicate everything their parents are doing, but I definitely want to build on to what they're doing.
Laura Dugger: Thank you for that clarification. And the final question from a daughter-in-law's perspective, she says, "What are some practical ways to honor a mother-in-law even when you as the daughter-in-law feel disrespected?"
Annie Chapman: Oh, isn't that a sad question? What an incredible daughter-in-law that she's thinking in those terms. [00:33:25] I have several examples in the book of women like this. I would encourage her to get the book and read it because I think she can find a lot of different ideas and things she can do.
I have a chapter called Dance Lessons and it's things that women have done, both mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law, to build that bridge, to make each other feel loved and respected.
But for this daughter-in-law who doesn't feel respected, but she wants to make her mother-in-law feel good, that says a whole lot about her. Cards and calling her. My husband calls his mom a lot. But I can always tell when I call her, it's a different experience for her. And even after 44 years, we still are very careful to show each other love and respect.
So, for me to call her when it's not my husband calling her, to check on her, I always... when we go see her, I always go. She's two hours away, could easily be just my husband to go see his mom. I make the effort to go. I always take her. I make cookies. She likes oatmeal cookies. She likes banana bread. [00:34:38] I take all kinds of things like that. And when she's here, I always have honey buns and I have the foods that she likes. But it's just the little things.
So if this daughter-in-law is not feeling respected, but she wants to show love, which I would say, what a wonderful way to love her husband is to show respect to his mother, whether she's a stinker or not. She's loving her husband when she does that, because I feel that way when I do for my mother-in-law. It's just another way for me to love my husband. She can do that with acts of kindness.
Laura Dugger: This time today has been so helpful. What is one hopeful story that you would want to leave with us today?
Annie Chapman: There's a story in the book that I really appreciate, and it was a woman who lived next door to her mother-in-law for many years. The mother-in-law was never really kind to her. In fact, the daughter-in-law said that one Christmas she got binoculars for Christmas because she wanted to spy on her, make sure that no one was coming and going from her house. [00:35:42]
She said, I never gave my mother-in-law ever a reason to distrust me. But she had had such a rough life. Her husband had cheated on her, so she assumed that everyone was like that. She said, "I just tried so hard to love her. And then when it came down to the end, she said, she had friends that would say, "Well, don't take her to the doctor. Don't do for her. She's never done anything for you." And she said, "Yeah, but she doesn't have anybody else to take care of her."
And that daughter-in-law, regardless of how the mother-in-law had been in the past, to the very end, she was so kind to her. And she said when it came down to the end, she never was sure that the mother-in-law ever truly loved her. But she said at the end, she could look that mother-in-law in the face and say, "I am so glad that I was your daughter-in-law because you've taught me so many things." [00:36:41]
And she said one of the things she didn't say to the mother-in-law is "You've taught me how to never treat my daughter-in-law like this". But somehow she was able to keep kindness, she was able to keep consideration and helpfulness and to serve that mother-in-law up to the very end regardless.
I think I came away admiring her because she didn't do that out of weakness. She didn't treat her mother-in-law nice because she was intimidated by her. She did that out of strength and deliberately. I want to be that kind of person.
I have not been challenged in that way. I have a wonderful mother-in-law. Were we perfect? No. Did we get on each other's nerves from time to time? Yeah. Did we say it? Hardly ever. And that's the kind of person I want to be. I want to make sure I'm a good in-law to my daughter-in-law. Do we get on each other's nerves? Yeah. Do we talk about it? Mm, sometimes. Does it hurt my feelings? Uh-huh. [00:37:47] But I want to be able to end my life and say, I mirrored and I showed Jesus to the people that I love the most.
Laura Dugger: I love that. Thank you for sharing that story. Our listeners know we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. And now as we conclude, we would love to hear your wise and practical tips. So please share with us, what is your savvy sauce?
Annie Chapman: My savvy sauce kind of emanates from a chapter in the Bible I've kind of been living in this spring. It's Psalm 90. I didn't know Moses ever wrote a psalm, but he wrote a psalm and it's Psalm 90. He wrote it after his brother Aaron and his sister Miriam had died and he was facing his life.
There's some familiar passages in there. The one that says that we may have 70 years, 80 by strength, a thousand years in the sight of God is like a day or watching the night, which is three or four hours. [00:38:48] But then there's a verse that I've been really contemplating. It says, Teach me to number my days aright, that I might gain a heart of wisdom.
Well, I have mulled that over and chewed on that verse. And for the longest time, I thought, teach me to number my days aright. And I kind of centered on the word "number". So I put 365 times 70. Neither of my parents lived to be 80. So I said, Well, maybe I'll be closer to 70. And I subtracted how old, I ended up with like 1,200 days. And I thought, wow, that's not very happy thought, you know, teach me to number my days aright. Okay, I'm gonna die. That's what I came up with.
One night I was sleeping and the Lord spoke to me in my sleep because I was really contemplating that verse. He said, you're looking at the wrong word. When I woke up the next morning, I thought, I'm looking at the wrong word. Teach me to number. I was looking at the word "number". He said, don't look at the number, look at the word "aright". Teach me to number my days aright, that I might gain a heart of wisdom.
And I thought, okay, how do I want to number my days aright? There's a right way to do it and a wrong way. The wrong way to number your days is, say, I have 1,200 days left and then I'm gonna die. The right way to number your days is to say, what am I gonna do with the days that I have left? And what I've concluded, and this is what I want on my tombstone, I want to live each day loving unconditionally, live each day serving joyfully, and live each day forgiving quickly. That's how I want to live my life, and that's how I want to number my days aright that I might gain a heart of wisdom. [00:40:41]
Laura Dugger: Wow. Annie, you are just a delightful person to chat with. Thank you for seeking God on this important topic and these relationships that we've discussed today, and thank you for sharing your wisdom with us.
Annie Chapman: Well, thank you for giving me this chance to share with these ladies.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:41:44]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:42:49]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:43:50]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Thursday May 02, 2019
Thursday May 02, 2019
51. Bonus Episode: God is Faithful in Motherhood with Counselor, Wife, and Mother to 5, Aja Duncan
**Transcription Below**
Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”
She received her Master's in Marriage and Family therapy at Richmont Graduate University with a specialization in Child & Adolescent therapy. Currently she is a licensed professional counselor (LPC) , licensed addiction counselor (LAC), and specializes in integrated care. She works for her local hospital system's outpatient psychiatry department.
She is well supported by her mother who is a "live-in granny nanny".
She and her children enjoy supporting her coach of a husband at football games, where the community feels like a second family.She has a love for the arts and in her "me" time can be found in dance fitness classes or at her local Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) group.
Aja's Recommended Pulled Barbecue Chicken Instant-pot Recipe
Aja's Recommended Instant-pot Lentil Soup Recipe
Instant-pot Butternut Squash Soup Recipe
Aja's Nutribullet Baby Food Recipe:
2-3 oz formula or breast milk
1/2 cup spinach
1 carrot
1/2 peeled apple or banana or blueberries (or ALL!)
Put spinach in the Nutribullet first and then add remaining ingredients
(You can add more formula/ milk depending on the consistency you want and the age of your baby)
As your baby gets older, experiment with other fruits and veggies but beware of greens that cause gas!
I would usually double or triple this recipe so that I could freeze the extra in silicone baby food storage trays. It would take care of feedings for a week!
Thank You to Our Sponsor: A Perfect Promotion
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: A Perfect Promotion is a promotional marketing company with locations in Illinois and Indiana. They specialize in logoed items as well as screen printing and embroidery. Contact them through their website, aperfectpromotion.com, and let A Perfect Promotion help you with your next business event or promotion.
Some of you know I didn't become a Christian until the day before graduate school. But that season at Richmont Graduate University in Atlanta, Georgia is where I met some of my favorite friends in life.
Aja is one of those. She is a loving wife and a working mother of five children. She's going to share some vulnerable parts of her motherhood journey, in addition to practical tips for living with a big family.
Speaking of a big family, between the two of us, we have eight children, and so this recording was especially loud and lively in the background, so I am very sorry for the distracting noises, but I hope you'll still give it a listen. Here's our chat. [00:01:27]
Hi, Aja.
Aja Duncan: Hi.
Laura Dugger: So glad to have you today. For anyone who doesn't know you yet, will you just start by sharing a bit about yourself?
Aja Duncan: Yes. My name is Aja. I am 35 years old, and I am married and a mother of five little ones, ages eight months to eight years old. We live in Greenville, South Carolina, and actually, my mother has been with us. She actually lives with us right now to help out because I work and my husband works. I work as a licensed professional counselor out here in Greenville, South Carolina for the local hospital system.
Laura Dugger: That's awesome. And your husband has a pretty fun job as well.
Aja Duncan: Yeah. He's a football coach. He's at North Greenville University here, which is about 10 minutes from where we are right now. It's just a great atmosphere and it's fun for us and the kids.
Laura Dugger: I've only visited Greenville once, but it was awesome. They're lucky to have you. Well, I love your story. So can you just share, how did you come to know Jesus and have a personal relationship with him?
Aja Duncan: So, as they say, I quote-unquote, "grew up in the church". My mom got saved probably around the stage that I am right now. [00:02:37] We were very highly active in the church. She actually ran the drama ministry and I did some plays with her. I was on the dance ministry.
I always felt like, oh, I'm a Christian because I go to church and I'm quote-unquote, "a good person". And I don't think it was until I was 17 years old, a youth pastor came to our church and just talked about how our lives are not our own, but they are meant to serve the Lord.
I think that that's the first time that I really challenged my own perspective on what being a Christian was and said, oh, okay, so this thing really isn't about me or how good I am or not good I am. This is really about Jesus and the fact that He died and He wants me to serve Him with my life. And I think that's really when I kind of started on the journey of wanting a different type of personal relationship with Him and really kind of delved into what that looked like and meant.
Laura Dugger: From previous conversations we've had, you mentioned life has not gone how you expected. So will you tell us what you mean by that and what God has been teaching you through this journey? [00:03:44]
Aja Duncan: Yes. You know, we girls, we probably do a really good job when we're younger of kind of trying to plan out our lives. I want to get married at this age, and I want this many kids, and I want to be doing this. And you know, you think about the way you want your life to look and you hope and expect that it will turn out that way. And mine has not.
So we always joke, well, my mom jokes that I used to always say, and I remember that I wanted five kids. Well, as I started having kids, I said, No, I don't want five kids. But I have five kids. And that just was not in the plan, just to be quite honest. I was not a proponent of birth control. So I've never used birth control. And people look at me, and they're like, Well, then that's why you have five kids. That was just kind of a personal choice for me.
But still, even with that, it was just not in the plan. I didn't plan on having five kids in eight years. So it's been a lot. And who would have thought my mom would live with us? I mean, just so many things have happened in our marriage and in our lives that I'm just like, Okay, so here we are. [00:04:54]
And I can say too that probably after number two, we just weren't happy campers when we found out that we were pregnant. And I'm just being totally transparent. We love our kids, but it just was not the plan that we had. That wasn't the future that we envisioned for ourselves.
If you would have told me eight years ago that I was going to have five kids, I would have melted and probably passed out and died. But the Lord has been so gracious to us with these children. I don't know. I think it's pretty easy. I know that sounds crazy to say, but it's probably easier than it was when we had two or three because they are each other's friends and they play with each other and they love each other and they love us well and they allow us to love them well, if that even makes sense.
We just look at them and they've made our lives so full. and everything that we thought we would lose out on because we were going to have five kids, we have gained actually. Every day, I'm just in awe of how the Lord has provided for us and allows me to work and allows us to have full lives, even with a full house. [00:06:05]
Laura Dugger: I love how you say that the things that you thought you would lose, you've actually gained. Can you unpack that a little bit?
Aja Duncan: I could never imagine having five kids and paying for daycare. I just thought I was going to have to give up working. I love being a therapist. I can't [finagle?] it. And the Lord has blessed us that my mom has come to live with us. I know that not everybody has that, but I really feel like that's the provision that was given to us so that I could work.
I pay her, but I don't have to pay astronomical daycare costs and the peace that actually has come with these kids. Don't get me wrong, we have our super stress days where it's just like I'm tired and I'm done. But not in the way that you would think. The Lord has actually given us peace and joy because of these kids. Our lives are more full. Whereas we thought that we would be drained, we're actually filled every day.
Laura Dugger: When we used to live in the same city, it was a time before any of us had children, but you and your husband always had a sweet relationship. So what about that side of it? It's full, you said, with work and children. Are you and Maurice still feeling like you have a lot of time to connect? [00:07:20]
Aja Duncan: It ebbs and flows, to be quite honest with you. I got pregnant on our honeymoon, so that is one thing that we have kind of struggled with, that we didn't have a time to secure our own relationship before I got pregnant and we started having kids. That's been hard, and I know it's really hard on him
But I think that we've been pretty diligent at trying to find our own times. Thankfully, our families and friends are pretty supportive. And sometimes they feel sorry for us. They're like, "Let us watch the kids so you all can reconnect."
We try to find time, and it's really seasonal. There was probably a season of the year where we had date nights, and we got trips on our own after number four. And now after number five, it hasn't been so much. But we've kind of made our date nights like at-home nights when everybody's in the bed. Like, we'll just kind of cuddle up and watch Netflix each night.
Laura Dugger: Yeah, you just make it work. Is there any scripture that has been especially personal to encourage you in work or in marriage or motherhood? [00:08:21]
Aja Duncan: Yeah. Romans 15:13 says, "I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." Just the word "hope and joy and peace" are things that we need, but most of all, trust. I've learned trust beyond what I could have imagined that I would need to trust God in this process of.
But everything that I am and that we're doing here, I could tell you countless story after story about how God is just kind of... it's just been amazing. He's come through for us.
Laura Dugger: Oh, and if you could even choose one of those stories, which one comes to mind for a way that He's provided for you unexpectedly?
Aja Duncan: Really, we had done our whole lives in Atlanta. We got married while we were living in Atlanta. We had our first four kids in Atlanta. So I never imagined that we would move. But when my husband got the job interview, everything in our lives was just kind of in turmoil a little bit. [00:09:25] We couldn't find a house to buy. I didn't really like my job that much.
And then the church that we had been planted in for years was kind of splitting off and we just couldn't decide. It was just a time of grief. So when we moved here, I jumped on it. I went on job interviews before we even moved and I secured a job. We had saved up money. We were going to buy a house. And when we got here, the job couldn't start me for basically six or seven months. Maurice took a huge pay cut. And I had to take kind of a little contract job that wasn't paying much. And I was at home and it was just... I think I fell into a depression. But what the Lord did through that time... like He met us where we were, I was able to join a Bible study.
Even with buying our house, I would say technically we were homeless for about a week because we had nowhere to go. I think we moved five times in six months, and it was just hard because we had all the kids. But when it was time to finally buy a house, I was scared because I wasn't working full time. [00:10:30]
Just one little miracle that I call it is that my job sent me the wrong contract. They sent me a contract for a full-time position and it wasn't mine, my position. But I was able to send that to the mortgage company and they approved us for a loan or else we wouldn't have been able to move. Actually, the day that we closed on our house was the day we had to move out of the place we were renting. It was just crazy.
Laura Dugger: Oh my goodness, that's wild. And this one, backing up a little bit, you had kind of touched on it, and I know this is different for everyone, but which transition was most difficult for you?
Aja Duncan: Going from two children to three. Like they say, that outnumbers you. And then our third one was really colicky.
Laura Dugger: So that's interesting to hear because you do have five children. So it wasn't going from three to four or four to five. What's your theory on that why it was more difficult from two till three?
Aja Duncan: I think the first two were just manageable. Again, we just never planned any of our pregnancies. So every one was a surprise. And I think that especially my husband was about done with surprises by the third one. [00:11:39] So the fact that it was a surprise and then we were outnumbered.
My second and third one were 19 months apart. And then the fact that our third one was just kind of a rough baby. So we had had so many transitions already and I think we were just tired and drained.
Laura Dugger: That definitely makes sense. And now, if you could be giving advice to yourself years ago, maybe when you were going from two to three children, what advice would you have given yourself back then?
Aja Duncan: I would have told myself, everything has a season. Everything has a beginning and an end. Because when you're in it, you feel like it'll never end. Like, this is my life. I'm just going to be stressed. And you can't see the forest from the trees. But if I could go back, I would tell myself to just hang in there, this too shall pass, and you will get through it.
Laura Dugger: Do you have any practical tips to share for mamas who are maybe in that season right now? [00:12:40]
Aja Duncan: Acceptance has been a big word for me. So kind of accepting whatever season I'm in, whether it's with myself or my husband or my kids. Especially with the kids, just accepting that they're growing and they have to go through their seasons, whether it's crying or joyful or, you know, disobedience, whatever it is. But they do, they transition and they grow and things are not always as they look.
Laura Dugger: What do you mean by that, things aren't always as they look?
Aja Duncan: I just remember being super anxious about different things. Oh gosh, baby fell off the bed. He's going to grow... He's got a brain injury and he's got... you know, things like that. It just seems like it's going to be so awful. I don't know. Children are resilient and families are resilient. What I used to think was just a bleak future really has been much of a brighter one than I thought it would be.
Laura Dugger: That is encouraging. This is switching gears a little bit But your husband has gone a lot with work. Do you ever struggle with resentment whether it's toward him or just anything with being a mother? [00:13:59]
Aja Duncan: Honestly, yeah I do because I work as well. Sometimes I can feel like, well, why is everything on me when we both work? Why am I still expected to do more and to be more? And then, you know, when you need help and you just feel like, I need daddy here with me to help. Honestly, there's been many conversations that we've had where I've just had to be like, "Look, I'm really resenting you right now. I don't think that this is fair, how this is working."
The one part of me I'll say, "Hey, well then I'll just stay home, but that's not really feasible. And it's really not what I want. I'd probably be saying that out of anger if anything. But I really just kind of us figuring out even what our roles are because, you know, society is different and a lot of families have two working parents, and trying to define who does what can be very difficult.
Laura Dugger: It sounds like part of the way that you overcome it is confronting it head-on with your husband in a loving way through conversation. Are there any other ways that you've learned to overcome resentment? [00:15:07]
Aja Duncan: Definitely, like you said, the open communication, but also just kind of taking the joy in serving my family. In a way, this might be a little selfish, but I know that sometimes I get to choose things that I maybe wouldn't get to if he was home all the time. So it gives me a little bit more control. Not that that's the best thing in the world, but I have to take what I can get and find the positives. But yeah, I think our saving grace is that we have really open communication with each other.
Laura Dugger: I think that'll be really helpful to a lot of people that can relate. And now a brief message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: How do you make self-care a reality?
Aja Duncan: I make sure that I kind of almost demand time for myself. Not that I'm yelling or screaming, but I used to feel guilty for maybe what I would call self-care, taking care of myself, but now I've kind of learned if I want to work out, I'll maybe do a 30-minute class on my lunch break that doesn't interfere with anybody, or I love to do like dance classes and Zumba, so my family understands that that's kind of my outlet.
So I'll try to do that a couple days a week and then I have a couple friends where we just kind of do girls nights out. And again, you know, it's kind of this is my self-care night. And I try not to do it very often. Maybe once every other week as far as going out without the kids with my girls. [00:17:33] I just have had to communicate to my family that this is what mommy needs.
Laura Dugger: That's so good and practical because a lot of moms that we talk to bring up repeatedly this topic of guilt. So is there anything that you would recommend or any way that you coach yourself through that guilt?
Aja Duncan: I did struggle with that in the beginning, but I guess I have to look at my kids and tell myself the reality of what I see before me is that my kids are well cared for. I love them. I really do. I love them. There's nothing in me that questions that. And for that, I have to say, if they're well taken care of, if I love them, I know that they are receiving love, then really where does my guilt stem from?
Usually, when I get to the root of it, it has nothing to do with anything that's permanent or matters. It's usually based on my own lofty expectations or the expectations of the world. And I've really come to accept that I cannot do it all and that that's okay and that nobody is expecting me to do it all. And Jesus has not called me to be super mom or to make sure my kids are this and that. [00:18:46]
My high school senior quote came out of Proverbs, it said, many are the plans in a man's heart, but it's God who will see it to completion. And that is just... I didn't know at the time, but that has ruled my life. I've had so many plans, so many things that I thought I should do or make happen. And really it's the Lord who has made the plans actually happen. I can't rest in guilt. I have to rest in what I know about Him and what He has kind of given me. He has given me some things that I do well, but there are other things that I don't, and I've just accepted those.
Laura Dugger: I think that that will offer a lot of freedom to people listening today. What are some things that you've released yourself of through these seasons?
Aja Duncan: I've let go of the fact that I'm just not gonna always have a very clean home. Kids live here and while I want them to be clean, I also want them to be kids and there's a balance. I will probably have to cook massive meals almost every night if I don't want to take them out to eat. I've also kind of given up selfishness. I don't think I realized it was selfishness but this whole thing of me wanting to do me, I guess if you want to say. I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to be the best therapist, the career mom, you know, but I also want to be the PTA mom. Like I can't, so I can't volunteer at school like I used to. [00:20:20]
Also, people will look at me sometimes, as you know, and they'll say, Oh, you're Supermom. I've actually had to intentionally give that even title up to the Lord because I found myself the more I would hear it, the more I felt the need to cater to it. Okay, well, Supermom means I have to do this and be this and be that. It was driving me nuts. And I just said, I have to surrender even that title to the lord. Like I don't even know what that means anymore. I don't want to be super mom, you know?
Laura Dugger: That's incredible. before we started recording today, I totally said, Oh my goodness, you're like super mom. You were just flying in from work and transitioning back home, clicking on to record this. So I apologize.
Aja Duncan: No. It's okay. It's okay. No. It's a really new thing. I'm trying to get into it because it's only because I internalize it in a way that makes me anxious. I take it as a compliment when people say it, but I know for me, I have to really surrender that to the Lord because I know if I take it in, I'll start wanting to be that. [00:21:30] And like I said, I don't know what that really looks like.
Laura Dugger: Wow, that is such a healthy response. What is a message that you want to leave listeners with today?
Aja Duncan: I would say whatever life you have right now, whatever setup the Lord has given you, whether it be friends or family, marriage, to take it and embrace it as much as possible because The Lord does everything for us personally and uniquely. He knows exactly what you need to grow, to be sharpened, to be the best you that He wants you to be.
And so for me, I guess it was having five kids. Maybe would have picked another path in the past, but I see now why He had to do it this way. And so I would encourage your listeners to trust that whatever their life looks like right now, the Lord made it that way for a reason. And to take advantage of it and not to think that it's for nothing, really. Everything that is, is for a reason and for a purpose. [00:22:44]
Laura Dugger: That's so good. Thank you for sharing that. Hey friends, I don't want you to miss out on this incredible deal. For as little as $5 per month, you can unlock access to our secret bonus episodes for The Savvy Sauce.
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So what are your best tips for surviving the four to five o'clock hour with toddlers? [00:23:41]
Aja Duncan: I would say snacks because that's usually the snack time for us. Some nice healthy snacks to kind of get them recentered. and then playing outside. Like it's usually a snack and go play outside.
Laura Dugger: What are some easy healthy foods or snacks that you eat or that you feed your family?
Aja Duncan: So we are huge on peanut butter bread in our house. We're always doing peanut butter bread. You know, the little ants on a log where you get a celery stick, put some peanut butter on it and some raisins. They like that. They actually have really gotten to like my NutriBullets. I always put spinach in there and I put some fun fruits in it and they think it's a smoothie.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's fun. What are you currently reading or listening to?
Aja Duncan: Right now I am reading a book from a sweet lady that I met. There's this FCA camp that we go to every year for Christian coaches' families. It's called May Bell's Daughter, but it kind of just chapters her life. I know this woman, she's a God-fearing woman. She was paralyzed from the waist down at 17 from a car accident, and it just kind of tells her story about her walk with the Lord. [00:24:57]
Laura Dugger: Wow. How do you intentionally push back against culture?
Aja Duncan: I really try to be intentional about the way that I'm raising my children as far as pushing back against culture because I'm really concerned with the upcoming generation that they're going to be in. I'm not on Instagram, I don't have a Twitter account. I really try to limit my children's exposure.
I mean, they watch TV and they play games on the phone, but I really try to limit their internet time. They don't watch Disney Channel. They're just certain things that I'm just pre-preparing for as far as not really wanting them to feel like some things in this culture are okay.
Laura Dugger: And with such a big family, what are some creative ways that you've found to save money?
Aja Duncan: Yard sales and confinement shops. I'm addicted. I have literally outfitted all these kids for all these years in yard sales. You couldn't believe the deals that I found. [00:26:04]
I do Publix BOGOs every week. I get my shopping list ready on Wednesdays because that's when they start over. I go through their BOGOS and make me a shopping list off of that. I also do a lot of RetailMeNot app. You basically can google wherever you're going whether it's shopping for clothes or at restaurants. You just kind of type in the name of the place and they'll go give you coupons that you can use there or tell you the latest deals.
Laura Dugger: I love that. We're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. So as our final question today, what is your savvy sauce?
Aja Duncan: I'll do a couple of really simple ones. Instapots, those pressure cookers. Oh my gosh, they're heavenly. They make my life so simple. You don't have to defrost the meat. You just throw frozen meat in there. Throw a whole bunch of healthy stuff in there. Stuff is done in like 10 or 20 minutes and have a big family and it holds enough for that. That is my saving grace. So simple, but true. [00:27:12]
Laura Dugger: Yeah, I love that. If you have any recipes that you recommend, we could link to those in the show notes.
Aja Duncan: Yes, I will so do that.
Laura Dugger: That'd be awesome. Off the top of your head, what are a few of your family's favorites?
Aja Duncan: We're trying to get more of a vegetarian, just eating more beans. There's a lentil butternut squash soup that has spinach in it. Of course, like I said, lentils, butternut squash, and a couple other vegetables. It's so good. My kids actually liked it because the butternut squash has a cool taste that they liked. Yeah, that's my favorite right now. I'll definitely send you the link to that one. I've been making baby food in my Nutribullet. That's pretty fun too.
Laura Dugger: There's something therapeutic about making your own baby food. I don't know why.
Aja Duncan: They're so cute.
Laura Dugger: Any other savvy tips before we go today?
Aja Duncan: Let your kids play outside. It's so good for them.
Laura Dugger: Aja, this time together was just such a treat. I love connecting with you. Whenever we chat, I just feel calm and at ease. You just exude the peace that comes from the Lord. So thank you for sharing that with us today. [00:28:20]
Aja Duncan: Thank you, Laura. And I love you. And just for all your listeners, I have always loved Laura. She has been the same and a constant from when I met her. What was that? I guess 11 years ago. Yeah, you have been the same. I just love you. And I miss you. Your questions really kind of made me think through things. It was very reflective for me, so I appreciate that. They're good questions.
Laura Dugger: Oh, you are so encouraging. Thank you.
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:29:35]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:30:40]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:31:41]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 29, 2019
Monday Apr 29, 2019
50. Understanding Gender Differences in Marriage with Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant
**Transcription Below**
Genesis 1:27 (NLT) “So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.”
Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant have been married for 18 years and have 6 remarkable children. Together, they love helping families thrive through understanding and appreciation of one-another’s uniqueness. Ted has his Ph.D. in cognitive psychology and is an Executive Pastor at Granger Community Church. Ang is a licensed counselor and is the Director of Spiritual Growth and Development at Granger Community Church.
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Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
I am thrilled to introduce you to our sponsor, Winshape Marriage. Their weekend retreats will strengthen your marriage and you will enjoy this gorgeous setting, delicious food, and quality time with your spouse. To find out more, visit them online at winshapemarriage.org. That's winshapemarriage.org. Thanks for your sponsorship.
Today I get to introduce you to a couple that my husband and I met while we were living in Indiana. Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant have been married for 18 years and they have six remarkable kids. They're passionate about helping families thrive.
Ted has his PhD in cognitive psychology and is the Executive Pastor at Granger Community Church in Mishawaka, Indiana. Ang is a licensed counselor and is the Director of Spiritual Growth and Development at Granger Community Church. [00:01:27]
Today we're going to learn more about gender differences in marriage, and I think you'll especially find it helpful when they discuss the house analogy. Here's our chat. Hello, Bryants.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Hello.
Ang Bryant: Hello.
Laura Dugger: So excited to have you guys with us today. Can you just start by telling us a bit about yourselves?
Dr. Ted Bryant: Well, my name is Ted, and we've been married for 18 years and had some significant schooling in the past, and even more importantly, some great life experiences and opportunities just to dive into our marriage, our relationships as being very different personality-wise. We're just excited to be with you.
We now are participating in vocational roles at the church here, and we're excited to help people take steps towards Christ.
Ang Bryant: Yeah, we have six kiddos. One of them is adopted through foster care and just the fun it is of when we understand who God is and what He's up to and how He's intentionally designed us to be different on purpose so we can love each other well and all of that. It just adds so much to family, to parenting, to marriage, to friendship in a way that we get to enjoy richness way more than just conflict. [00:02:39]
Laura Dugger: I love that description. How did you two originally become interested in studying gender differences?
Dr. Ted Bryant: Well, there were some times where we didn't understand each other. And we thought, you know what, there's probably some really good information and some really good ways in which God has already figured out that we're different and made ways in which we can understand each other better and really understand the heart of each other regardless of what we may be doing through our mouths or how we're acting.
So that really got us interested in looking into how can we communicate better with each other based on some of the differences we have gender-wise from our upbringings.
Ang Bryant: For me, it really is a space for a long time, just as a counselor and pursuing that path, wanting people to be able to hear each other and hear the message that was being sent and just seeing so much miscommunication and just unnecessary conflict, which it felt like with all kinds of people. [00:03:35]
So for me, language is a really big deal, and wanting people to be able to understand and see the value that God is super intentional.
Laura Dugger: In both of your work settings, you work with a lot of couples. So do you ever get much pushback from them about this being too stereotypical?
Ang Bryant: Not often. Sometimes people will say, well, that's not all of me. And so, right, we can't put you in a box. It's not all of you. But here's a way to begin to have common language to start the conversations, to understand, to be able to then translate and appreciate what's being said.
But I mean, we'll talk about the differences in a little bit. And lots of times people are nodding their heads or they're relieved or they're laughing because they're like, Oh, yeah, I thought that was just in our relationship. I didn't realize that was across the board. So more times than not, from my perspective, I would say it's encouraging and helpful to people. People aren't typically offended by stereotypical because we say, you're unique, but this is some common language we can use.
Dr. Ted Bryant: I definitely agree that people don't usually get offended. [00:04:39] There are times in which there's some reversals. We usually mention sometimes in this particular area of difference the husband might be a little more in the stereotypical female role, let's say, you gotta get a reversal. But the truth still usually is there are these differences. Even if they're switched, every now and then you still have the same issue of being different, being in some different camps on these things.
Laura Dugger: And so you're saying that regardless of which role they take on, most of the couples you see are more different than similar?
Dr. Ted Bryant: Yes.
Ang Bryant: Absolutely.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Yeah. It's like it's on purpose or something.
Laura Dugger: I love that.
Ang Bryant: We have to depend on God to unite us.
Laura Dugger: Well, and that kind of leads into another question I have. How can this knowledge benefit a listener in their current relationship?
Ang Bryant: I think for us it's that it helps people take frustration levels down and honestly whatever judgments they've made about their significant other or just prominent people in their life, feeling like people are either thoughtless or careless or unintentional and realizing, oh, no they just think differently than I do, they're not trying to agitate me or be irritating, it's just different, then there's beautiful value. [00:05:54] And then they actually know how to do team together different.
So the benefit for the listener is it creates a unity and excitement that you can honor each other in a way different space than just feeling like you're annoyed and just have to constantly, oh, well, that's just how they are as opposed to, no, it actually helps you be more aligned when you're working together.
Dr. Ted Bryant: I think a lot of times in marriage relationships the longer you're with someone the more assumptions you start to make because you feel like, I know them, I know what this means. And people forget that we change and that we're dynamic. So these assumptions start to grow and then those lead to certain beliefs about the other person.
And many times those are not the most helpful beliefs, and so they start misreading and non-verbal cues, as I know what that means. Instead of communicating about it in a helpful way, it leads to a belief about someone and then a response about that belief and conflict just ensues.
So a lot of times we see is unpacking some gender differences starts to get at root causes of so many conflicts, daily conflicts, little stuff that happens throughout the day because people are just assuming, Oh, I know what they meant by that. In reality, no, actually didn't. You totally misinterpreted that because you're viewing it from your gender perspective. [00:07:16] So a lot of conflict resolution or conflict prevention actually comes out of these conversations.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that makes a lot of sense. I was even talking with my friend Lauren today. She's The Savvy Sauce's social media lead. She and her husband were missionaries in Thailand, and she said, it's culture 101 that people only do what makes sense to them. So to only think, "Why are they doing that? That doesn't make any sense to me." Well, they're doing it because it makes sense to them. And it sounds like you're kind of saying the same thing even within gender.
Ang Bryant: Absolutely.
Dr. Ted Bryant: And then if you add tension or frustration or anger into that, you're going to retreat more and more back into your wheelhouse what you know to be true, what you have confidence in, which again makes that difference even greater.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's good. We'll unpack some of these a little bit more later, but could you give a few examples of some of the most common gender differences that we're talking about here?
Ang Bryant: Yeah. The top one that stands out for me right now is just eye contact. [00:08:18] When women are sitting together around sharing with one another, women just tend to have more eye contact going on. And when they ask a fellow woman a question, what's up, women respond pretty quickly.
So what happens, men, even little boys, you don't see them on the playground staring into each other's eyes. Guys typically have deep conversations sitting next to each other, like on the couch, looking out, not even looking at each other per se. So when you put a husband and wife together and she asks him a question and he's not looking at her, oftentimes she thinks he's not paying attention. He's not listening to me. But that's not true. It's just resulting in a different response. And so how we take in the situation and what we assume about it is just different. So eye contact is one of those huge differences.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Yeah, eye contact, it provides evidence in different ways to men and women. For women, a lot of conversation, again, we're getting a little bit more into stereotypes, but a lot of conversation within women isn't just what's said, it's what's not said. It's what's in between what's said.
So the eye contact really reassures women, hey, they're telling the truth or they're really tracking with me. It's additional evidence. [00:09:36] Men stereotypically have a little more of a straightforward style on some of their communication. Eye contact is then not required as much for that additional evidence. It's whatever is said. And so becomes very awkward to have that eye contact with men because we don't typically do that. We're more action-oriented even when we're conversing about things. So eye contact is one of those things people don't even realize.
But when people communicate really well, what you actually see is they don't sit straight out like men staring into the sky but they also don't face each other directly. A lot of times are kind of a diagonal. If you set them on like a love cedar on a couch, kind of tilted in towards each other, almost like a compromise you naturally see that in couples that actually have really good communication.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's so interesting. In addition to those examples, both of you have studied the Bible and psychology. How has that study of both contributed to your framework for gender differences? [00:10:40]
Dr. Ted Bryant: Well, one of the things for me is making sure everyone understands early on this is not a better or worse situation. God loves each of us. The Bible in general, especially in its day, but even today, unbelievably outstanding in how men and women, male and female, are valued tremendously.
So early on, the biblical narrative is there is value regardless of where we land on these differences. It's intentional. It's purposeful. And God has so much value in these differences. It's not, Hey, you husband should become just exactly like your wife, that's the goal, or you wife should be just like your husband, that's the goal. That's not the goal.
That brings a sense of relief a lot of times to people and it's also convicting to people to say, Hey, you know what, deep down I have been trying to get her to be just more like me. Life would just be better and easier if we didn't have all these differences.
Again, we just don't see that in scripture, whether it's in Jesus choosing His disciples, not just the 12, but all those that followed Him, men and women, all kinds of differences in personality and gifting and ability. So these differences, they're intentional, and it can be celebrated in that way. [00:11:59]
Ang Bryant: I think for me, it's really, you know, Genesis 1:26 and 27, right? God created man and woman in His image. In His image He created them. We've already said it several times, but it's purposeful. When we work together as men and women, we actually get to see more fully who God is, all of the ways that He sees, all of the ways that He initiates and He nurtures and He cares for people.
Psychology oftentimes, for me, feels like it catches up with what the Bible has already been telling us. Like we discover, oh yeah, that's how that goes when we care for one another and just families, right? When we honor each other and we see one another's giftings and we help each other become all that we're supposed to be instead of trying to conform you to one certain way, well, families thrive. Because kids are different. They're not carbon copies of each other. So how do we even honor the fun differences of kids and let them be who they are knowing that, again, God did that on purpose. We get to teach each other.
Laura Dugger: You've given us a great scripture reference there. We can link to that in the show notes. Are there any other helpful psychological tips that listeners may not be aware of? [00:13:09]
Dr. Ted Bryant: They may be aware of it a little bit, they just may be slightly in denial of it. But it's important as people enter into these sorts of conversations to understand everyone's not like you. And it sounds so simple. But we grow up thinking all the other houses, all the other homes are like our home. You know, we have these assumptions about people may just be a little bit different than me but they're basically the same as me. And don't we all have equal value?
It's important psychologically people understand this person… I need to step out of my box, out of my circle and really try to get into where they are and have true empathy. From their perspective and where they're coming from. Any sort of conversation about differences in the value differences, it's that willingness to listen to the other perspective and try to get your mind around that. It's really helpful.
Laura Dugger: What would be some ways that couples could try to do that?
Dr. Ted Bryant: I think listening to this podcast, going to workshops. I mean, sometimes, honestly, it's hearing it from a third party, saying, Hey, there are differences and they are okay, they are good. And here's some of the differences. And all of a sudden, they're not triggered by their spouse and some word that they used or some rut of conflict that they're in. And they're able to just listen a little bit differently because they are both participating in a workshop or in a conference or listening to a podcast or reading something together just as a participant, both receiving it. You're not trying to convince each other of it. [00:14:37]
Ang Bryant: I think, you know what, what if we started again? I wasn't trying to change you, I was trying to understand you. And accepting that marriage and relationships and parenting were never designed to be easy. They're designed to require hard work because people are worth it. People are worth our time, investing in them and learning and offering forgiveness and trying to sit through things.
So part of it is just how do we surrender to a new mindset instead of just assuming, "Oh, I know how this goes." And exactly what Ted said, right? You get in this rut of it, "Huh? We have the same conflict over and over and over again. So then people get to just resigned hopelessness. I guess this is as good as it gets. And so then they look elsewhere to try to fulfill needs. That no, no, you can find that in your marriage and in your family, but it takes honoring the differences rather than being annoyed by them.
Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: For anybody who's listening and still curious about their gender differences, maybe with their spouse, could you give some more examples just to provide some context?
Ang Bryant: Yeah. One of them is just the idea of how when women often talk to one another, they don't always look to women to solve the problem. They're just looking to vent or to share or to release the struggle or frustration.
But for men, young boys and on up, men typically only share with men when they've tried to solve the problem on their own and they can't find a solution. So then they go to a fellow brother who gets him, who understands, who's trustworthy, and they can say, "Hey, I'm struggling with this," with the full expectation, oh, you're going to give me a solution for this situation.
So with those two different mindsets, when you bring a husband and wife together, and the wife is sharing, "I've had a really hard day. This went wrong. It didn't go well," and he's thinking because I love her so much and because I've had experience in man's world I know I'm gonna ride in on my white horse and save the day. I'm gonna give her a solution so she never has to feel this pain again. We're gonna solve this. [00:18:07]
So she gets done sharing, he listens, he affirms, and then he said, Honey, you could have an [inaudible 00:18:14] solution. And oftentimes women get upset. "You weren't even listening" and off she goes. And he's like, "What my heart was for you and I'm trying to help you."
Dr. Ted Bryant: "Fine, whatever" is usually what comes next.
Ang Bryant: So just even that small difference of what's the expectation of why we're having the conversation that can really, if you have similar language, be resolved in a sentence by the wife simply saying, "Hey, Honey. I just need you to listen," or "I'm coming to you with a struggle. Actually I need you to help me solve this," which typically gets the man super excited.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Ohoo.
Ang Bryant: Or it's the husband asking if she doesn't initiate that. "Okay, I heard what you said. Do you want me to solve this problem or are you just looking for me to listen?" So that simple difference is a big one.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Because in man's world, you never want to share your weaknesses. You spend much of your life trying to build your armor. So there's no logical reason why you would share a weakness unless it truly was to solve the problem. [00:19:15] So this really does come out of a heart of, like Ang said, I don't want to feel this pain again.
However, many times the solution the man offers she's already thought of that. So sometimes the reaction is from the woman, "What? You think I'm an idiot honey? I've already thought of that." She may not say that but she may feel like, I've already thought about that.
So many times for the man to be able to even share from his own perspective something that he has struggled with so that she doesn't feel all alone, like, I'm the only one messing up. I'm the only one struggling. He shares some of that because that's what happens in women's world.
Even if women don't want to share struggles with each other, they just made each other that a conference around the table, if they are kind of forced to, hey, share something that was hard this past week, you get halfway around that table and that table is bonding with each other. They're really bonding because they're sharing struggles with each other. You get to the last person on that table and she's like, "You know what, I'm not gonna share. All the other women are thinking, Who does she think she is? We all share. [00:20:19]
That doesn't happen in man's world. We don't bond very many times through sharing of struggles. So it's a bit of a foreign concept for a lot of men which is why women their husband's their best friend. They just want to bond with their husband like they do with other women. And so share some struggles with each other. Men want to bond with their wife like they do other men, solving problems. And so that's how you get this confrontation sometimes that happens, husband to wife.
Laura Dugger: The first step may be just seeking to understand, and then that can lead to celebration instead of resentment of the differences.
Ang Bryant: Absolutely.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Yeah.
Ang Bryant: You don't assume the other one is being thoughtless.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Another one that comes to mind is something we call the emotional labeling scale. Little girls when they're growing up they have a very large library of emotions that they learn in early age.
Ang Bryant: Words to describe.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Words to describe. Emotional labels that they describe, even their pretend play when they're young. I mean, if they pretend playing with some figurines or whatever, and this is just a stereotypical example, but you know, you have a princess in a castle and she's lonely and she's sad and she's threatened by this dragon. She doesn't know what to do. I mean, it's very emotional. [00:21:36]
A young boy may come into that scene and go, "You know, what's going on? and there's a drag and he's like, The drag need the princess. I mean there is a lot of, hey, let's dive old and get into the emotional language of a situation.
So you have men that have grown up from boyhood learning two or three or four emotional labels, where you have little girls that have grown up in the young women who have this library, this bank of emotional labels. And so when that woman and that man get together, what happens is they expect the other person to respond as if they were the same gender.
Early on in our marriage, for instance, I made some mistakes, I still make some mistakes but a little more then. And Ang came out when one night and said, "Hey, Honey, how do I look?" And I not being as wise as I am now, I said, "Honey, you look really good." She said, "Okay, fine, I'll go change." I was like, "No, no. No, don't know, don't change. You look great. You look wonderful." I mean, at that point I'm just digging a hole. It wasn't helpful. [00:22:41]
What's behind that? You see women understand... let's say in the middle of the road on emotional labeling scale is okay. One end is like horrible, devastated, the other end is like unbelievably excited and happy, and right in the middle is kind of okay.
Well as you progress negatively women know the difference between okay and not okay and frustrated and annoyed and angry and the list goes on. There's actually different marks on the scale from okay to really horribly devastated the end. And same thing going from okay to unbelievably happy and excited on the other end. There's lots of marks, lots of notches on that scale.
The problem is for men, you go one step in from this horrible rage, anger at one end, and the other end, which is unbelievably happy, you just take one little notch in on either side, and the whole distance, including okay, the whole distance of the scale is fine, or okay. It's like we have two or three labels for that entire scale almost. And it can be a shrug. It doesn't even have to be verbal. "You know, how are you feeling?" "Ah, you know." That encompasses about twenty-five emotional labels that women "are fine" does. [00:23:56]
So if I respond to Ang she looks really good, she hears good at a very different place on her scale than what I meant it on my scale. So that can create a lot of confusion. When I say really good, what I really was trying to communicate was fantastic, you know, or unbelievable. But men don't have a lot of those labels. They don't grow up with those labels. And so there becomes a lot of miscommunication, and honestly a lot of disappointment, especially women to men.
Women can come home from work or whatever and they're talking to their husband and say things like, Hey, Honey how was your day at work? And he may respond with, you know, "It was good or it was fine. There are a couple things that were okay, and she feels very unfulfilled. Like, "That's it? It's all you gonna give me?" And he's like, "Yeah, it was good." And he's done. That's the description. He's used all four of the emotional labels that he had and she is feeling... Because she's expecting to hear from him like she would another woman much more with emotional labels. [00:25:03] And he doesn't actually have that to give all the time.
So the goal that would be meant to, again, learn some more emotional labels though they most likely will not be able to learn all of them. That's not the goal. But to learn some. And for women to understand more about the heart behind the label that the man really does get. And that comes with time. But that's another thing that happens between gender differences.
Laura Dugger: That's so good my husband has always said this, he's a lot wiser than I am, but just the reminder, assume the best. Like when you do, it usually is true of the other person. Speaking of my husband, I remember we were at a conference years ago and you two were describing gender differences, and you used a house analogy. Could you recap that illustration?
Dr. Ted Bryant: Yes. One way that we can talk about differences in communication is you imagine a studio apartment. This is like a woman's brain. So in your apartment there's no walls and everything's just kind of one big room. [00:26:07] Everything is connected. The bedroom's connected to the kitchen, to the living room, the bathroom may have a door on but it's right there with everything. And more metaphorically, from a woman's point of view, everything is connected. Like emotions and job and kids if there's kids, our relationship, all the different topics, all the different things going on in her life, there's not a lot of walls between them. And there's lots of different connections that are always there between those different topics in their life.
With men, however, it's pretty different, fairly drastically different, actually. Their brain is wired up more like a house with multiple rooms. So you have those same sorts of labels in the rooms, like a bathroom, a bedroom, a kitchen, or a living room. And there's walls and doors that separate all those, so they're different from each other.
And then there's a hallway right down the middle of that house. You're like, What's in the hallway? And the men say nothing. Nothing at all. There's no label in the hallway. There's nothing. Women just look perplexed. Like, how in the world? Because from their studio apartment things are always to be seen. There's always something to be thinking about. The topics are always related to each other. [00:27:25]
But in men's world with that house there's actually a hallway where men can be thinking about nothing at all. I can come in from doing yard work for hours and may say, hey, what are you thinking about and I can say, "I don't know. Nothing." I mean, the yard got mowed. I'm not sure how." And she might not have any idea that that's even possible.
So what starts to happen? She may start again to assume things like, Oh, he just doesn't want to tell me. Oh, I wonder what he was thinking about. Maybe it wasn't about me, it was about somebody else. Now, Ang wouldn't do that but that's what can happen in a marriage because we don't understand even that one small piece of a hallway versus a studio apartment.
To take this now even further, there's beauty in this difference as well. So women have an unbelievable ability to see patterns and things. They can see how this year of their life is connected to this other area of their life and it's beautiful. And many times because you know from scripture when Eve comes on the scene, if you look at the Hebrew, it's really about this help me warrior type of personality. [00:28:33]
It's not just some passive helper that does things that the man doesn't want to do. Oh, no, it's a partnership from the beginning. Because that terminology is actually used for Israel's military allies later on in the Old Testament. So this is the ally even from military stance.
One thing you know from allies is that they oftentimes can see the enemy coming before the home country does. And I've seen that multiple times in our life. Ang has warn me about somebody, "Oh, watch out for them." I've only talked to them for two seconds. She's like, "I just got a bad feeling about it."
And sometimes women can have this ability to see patterns and things whether it's in parenting, in marriage or even threats to the family of the marriage long before the man can because of how intertwined and interwoven all the parts of her life are.
From a man's world there's an ability that can be frustrating at times to women, but men because of how their brains wired up can have this incredible ability to block everything else out, close the door on the room and just focus, just get the job done. [00:29:40]
And they can do this without getting distracted by anything else. They can just focus, which is an incredible ability when something really needs to be done. And so that can be frustrating if women are trying to have a conversation, if a wife's trying to have a conversation with her husband while he's focused on something else.
She doesn't understand why can't he just pop out of that for a second and talk about this other topic? But because of the room he's in, he's gotta get out of that room walk down the hallway into whatever the other room is she wants to get to, emotions or something else. And that oftentimes brings a delay or brings a frustration.
Where in women's world it's all right there. Women can ask another woman, Hey, what do you think about the food that I cooked? What do you think about that show we went to? If there's a delay in the other woman, automatically women's world you think that they're lying, you think they're covering something up. Because in women's worlds all connected. The truth is at the top. There's no need for delay. It's a studio apartment. The truth answer is right there.
But in man's world, again, sometimes the answers in a different room and we gotta get out of that room were in, walk down the hallway and so there's oftentimes a delay when men respond and automatically women assume he's lying, he's covering it up. [00:30:56]
Because again, the base cause of all of this is that we communicate to someone of the opposite gender. Husbands communicate to their wives how they talk to them and how they listen to them. They communicate as if their wife was a man and vice versa. Women ultimately are communicating expecting a woman's response.
That's at the basis of all of this. We grow up, eighty-five percent of our time is in same-sex, same gender groups. And so that's will become experts at. So from a studio apartment we're gonna communicate expecting responses from someone else living in studio apartment.
Men living in a house. We're gonna communicate and we're gonna listen expecting responses from someone else who's living in a house with a hallway, where we can sit together and watch a movie for three hours, don't talk about anything but we're closer together than what we were before. And that just doesn't make any sense in a studio apartment mindset. [00:31:58]
Ang Bryant: One of the things that comes up, just quickly, about that as well is so say you have a fight in the morning, an argument with your spouse and you both head off to work and there has been a whole lot of results. He can talk that away. So she's thinking about it all day long, it's swirling and it's agitating and it's causing distraction throughout the day and so she comes home still upset. But he could have blocked it out, closed that door, gone into work, done a great job, hyper-focused at work, come back, and now he's just excited to see his wife and tries to say hey or make a pass at her and she's like, "What? I'm still mad at you from this morning."
And so it's this way of understanding, no he's not being thoughtless, it's our ability of how our brains even have sections or openness. So part of the result then as a couple is, all right, man, how do you find a way to get your wife in every room so that you are thinking about her throughout the day, even if it's a post-it note on your computer or reminder on your phone, that just calls you out of that room to, Oh yeah, and how do you get God in every room?
And then women, how do you find a way to invite God with the patterns that you're thinking, to just pause and again, like you said, Laura, trust the best in your spouse, even when they're pausing, even when they respond different than you would. [00:33:17]
Dr. Ted Bryant: And help the men also with those transition spaces at times. It's helpful.
Ang Bryant: Yeah, can we talk? I'd love to talk about this. When is a good time to talk about that? As opposed to interrupting him during the game while he's watching something. Give me a moment to come out of the door down the hallway.
Dr. Ted Bryant: One of my favorite things with this analogy is we've often heard a wife come to her husband say, "Oh, I've been thinking about you all day long." "Oh, have you been thinking about me? And he, wanting to be honest, he pauses second, he's thinking to himself like, Well, I thought about her I think like at lunch and one or two other times. If he says to her, Yeah, Honey, I thought about you once, that would devastate her. Like, how in the world could you only think about me once?
Because again from her studio apartment mindset, she's connected regardless of where she goes, regardless of what she's engaged in, her husband is somehow connected to that thing. That's just not the reality and less men intentionally make it the reality in the house. [00:34:17]
So it is not an excuse for men. It is an awareness so that men know, I need to intentionally take the step to get my wife, who is not like anyone else, to Get my wife into each of these rooms. I can do whatever it takes and then habits form and it becomes a very, very beautiful thing. But that oftentimes comes up. That little woundedness of "have you thought about me?" it comes from the differences there.
Laura Dugger: Some of you have reached out to find specific books or resources that we have mentioned in one of our episodes. That's why I'm so excited to let you know about our new Resources tab. When you visit thesavvysauce.com, you can now click on our new tab called Resources. There you will find all the resources we've ever mentioned on all the episodes of The Savvy Sauce. And when you purchase a resource from that list, you actually support our work at The Savvy Sauce.
We also spend a lot of time preparing show notes for every individual episode, so you can still access the websites, scripture, and recommended resources when you click on any individual episode. We hope you take advantage of these features so you can apply all that you've learned. [00:35:24]
Let's transition to a really practical level. What is one thing that a husband can do today to understand his wife a little bit better?
Ang Bryant: He's going to tag me in on this. I thought you were answering that.
Dr. Ted Bryant: You can go first on this one.
Ang Bryant: One of it is letting go of the judgment that she's just so emotional and it's so complex, I'm never going to understand her. So just kind of smile and nod when she's talking. So really a tangible thing is when she's struggling and sharing the struggle with you, it's because she trusts you. You're the one person that's for her the most, and she trusts you the most and feels the most safe with you. And so you just providing listening ears and affirmation is the care that she's looking for, even though you might feel like if she walks away without a solution, that was a pointless conversation. It's not. Her heart feels cared for.
Dr. Ted Bryant: I think one thing that a husband can do right away is pray about how can he help his wife feel chosen. That outside of God, there is no doubt in her mind that she is next, that she is chosen, that she is cherished. That sort of, God, what can I do, what belief need to have? Really going to God in prayer about helping his wife feel chosen.
Because it's gonna be the difficult thing for us in workshops to say, Oh, just this this or this. No. Every marriage will be different. There's different love languages and different personality types. It's really a space of become an investigator of your wife, pray to God and try to listen to Him and take note of "how can I help her feel chosen?" [00:37:07] Because if a woman feels chosen in the marriage, there is a whole lot of grace for many, many other things. And so that's one of the first things.
Laura Dugger: And let's flip it then on the wife. What is one thing that a wife can do today to understand her husband better?
Dr. Ted Bryant: I would say one thing that a wife could do pretty immediately is don't assume there isn't depth just because there aren't a lot of words all the time. Many times it is finding the right time to talk or finding the right outlet or the right way to connect. If they feel like their husband is just locked emotionally or won't communicate, there's usually depth in there. It's just trying to get find when is he most likely to talk, when is he most likely to connect?
It's somewhat similar to the first question. Be a little more investigator. Especially as you are married for longer periods of time, we oftentimes think, oh, we know this person by now. Well, we all change over time and we have different stages of life and different phases of our marriage. Become an investigator again and start taking notes of, Oh, this is when my spouse is really... Wow, they're really excited here. They have a lot of energy here. And try to approach him during those times.
Laura Dugger: And you also mentioned how, so not only when to approach him, but how. Could you give the women listening a few examples? [00:38:35]
Dr. Ted Bryant: Yes, definitely. Shared activity is one of the sure wins typically in man's world. So whether it might be a walk together or something that he enjoys doing, just participating in it, just being there, being near. A lot of times men appreciate just a buddy, someone who's there with them hanging out with them when they're doing something. And many times that quantity of time turns into some quality conversations.
Again, it may feel a little bit different than women's world where if you're with someone you usually engaging them in conversation or engaging them in some sort of intentionality all the time. So joining their husband in an activity that he enjoys I think in a lot of times lead to some great conversation.
Ang Bryant: Even if you're bringing up something that you're having conflict or frustration about the how is you come to him with what's affirmation? What are you thankful for about him first? What are you proud of him for first? [00:39:37] And enter into those encouragements before you enter into "and how do we deal with this problem? What do we do with this struggle?" He needs to feel like he's winning somewhere instead of constantly feeling like he's failing. That's hard to engage in conversation.
For me, I think what a wife can do is right now, today, just understand that it's such a gift that your husband is simple. There is a few things that are sure win for him. So I don't have to learn 25 things, but what are the three things for him that he needs that are life-giving and rejuvenating, and how can I pour into those things?
So it's partially waking up, instead of thinking of myself first, it's thinking, all right, God, how can we love our husband today? As opposed to, huh, I'm going to keep a list of how he's loving me or not loving me today, because that just ends in resentment and bitterness. And so it becomes this, hey, no, what if I had a servant heart and just was thankful for the simplicity of how he could feel cared for? [00:40:37]
Laura Dugger: Those are some great ideas. Do either of you have any recommended resources in case listeners want to dive deeper into studying gender differences?
Ang Bryant: So we did a lot of studying. Deborah Tannen, T-A-N-N-E-N, has done all kinds of research and talk in her books. Like you just don't understand, that's not what I said, even then go between men and women and then like mothers and daughters and conversations and in the workplaces. And so these gender differences of conversation and how is not translating conversation well leads to just hurtness and conflict. She's a really great resource.
Laura Dugger: That's great. Any to add, Ted?
Dr. Ted Bryant: There's a lot of books. Men Are Like Waffles-Women Are Like Spaghetti or Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Many of them have similar concepts. But I would again go back to Deborah's work. It's a little more research-based, and it's pretty core foundationally to a lot of the other books. I would definitely recommend her as a good starting point.
Laura Dugger: Well, this podcast is named The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. So as we conclude today, what is your savvy sauce? [00:41:49]
Dr. Ted Bryant: That's a great question. For me, when we talk about gender differences, it really is understanding whenever I'm communicating my operating system my foundation is going to be built off of I'm thinking this other person I'm talking to is actually me, my gender, with my background, with my inside information. And that's gonna be a bit of a default for us, whether it's someone on the street or spouse.
So, continually reminding yourselves, hey, this person is not me. Okay, what do I need to do about that? Ooh, they're different gender. Ooh, I know what I can do with that. Being a little more intentional and thoughtful and all the conversations will pay off huge dividends.
And once you get in the habit of some of that, you won't even be thinking about it anymore. You will have grown in your skill and ability, whether it's with your spouse or with your mom or your dad or your brother or sister or co-workers who are different gender. It will continue to give you rewards with a little bit of intentionality up front. [00:42:57]
Ang Bryant: I would say for me the immediate is, though it might sound cheesy or corny, really taking 10 seconds and just saying, okay, so what I heard you say was... And restating back. We talk about this like drive-through communication. We're so willing at fast food places to like stop, share our order, repeat our order. The people in the window share back what we ordered. Sometimes it's on a screen. Then we pull forward when we feel like they actually got it right.
Dr. Ted Bryant: And then we still check the bag just to make sure.
Ang Bryant: Maybe it's accurate. If we would slow down and just check in, we had a conversation, okay, what did you hear me say? Instead of being like, well, that's psychobabble. No, no, it's great communication because even though I felt like I said it clearly, I'm not sure what they received. So just checking, okay, what's the message you heard? Because then in the moment we can clarify just like we do with drive-thru fast food communication. Honestly, our relationships and our families absolutely are way more worth our time than how we order food. [00:44:00]
Dr. Ted Bryant: Yeah, communication is not what is said, it's what is heard and felt. And so taking that extra moment to ask those simple questions, well worth it.
Laura Dugger: Well, you two are just so much fun to chat with. You're full of joy and energy. I really appreciate you sharing your time and expertise with us today.
Dr. Ted Bryant: Thank you. It's been fun.
Ang Bryant: Absolutely.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. [00:44:59] But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:46:11]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:47:12]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 22, 2019
Monday Apr 22, 2019
*DISCLAIMER* This episode contains adult themes and is not intended for little ears
49. Pain and Joy in Sexual Intimacy with Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist, Dr. Jessica McCleese
**Transcription Below**
Genesis 2:25 (NIV) “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”
Dr. Jessica McCleese is a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist with special training in sex education from a Christian perspective. She is also a wife and a lover of coffee, good books and travel. She is currently involved in a project with Dr. Rosenau, author of Celebration of Sex, to teach teens how to enjoy their friendships and dating relationships while holding to Christian convictions. Additionally, she serves on the advisory board at Millennials for Marriage- a group that aims to encourage millennials to be equipped for marriage.
Dr. Jessica McCleese’s Website
The Discomfort of Intimacy Article by Dr. Jessica McCleese
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Sexual Wholeness
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
As a teacher or counselor, have you ever wished you could get more training on healthy sexuality or to have better skills in helping people deal with the sexual part of their lives? Sexual Wholeness is a Christian teaching organization desiring to help you accomplish this goal through classes and helpful resources. Visit them online at sexualwholeness.com.
Today we get to speak with Dr. Jessica McLeese. She is a licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist. She's going to teach us more about our sexual response cycles and explain how they impact our differing libidos in marriage. We also discuss how to increase the level of joy in our intimate connection with our spouse. I hope you enjoy today's chat.
Welcome, Dr. McLeese.
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Thank you, Laura. I'm so glad to be here and be a part of this today.
Laura Dugger: Well, we're so excited to have you join us. For those who don't know you yet, can you start off by just telling us a little bit about your story? [00:01:32]
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Sure. I'm a licensed psychologist, and I often hear people ask or joke, like, what made you decide to go into therapy? Because everybody that goes into therapy have some sort of working out their own issues. And there's a lot of truth to that.
My story is one of the surviving sexual abuse and having some sexual trauma really that occurred pretty frequently from the moment I entered high school until I left and then a little after that. So I have that as part of my background.
Dad's a preacher, so I have that as my background too. Pretty much living in the church. We always joke cutting my teeth on the altar. I was very used to being in church and things like that. I went to school to try to decide what I wanted to do with my life and started out with an interest in youth ministry.
In the process of working through that degree, I was expected to take several counseling classes. While I was in some of those classes, one teacher, in particular, could tell from the writings that I was turning in that I just had a lot of brokenness in my past.
I remember reading one day on a paper that I had turned in, and I don't even remember what I said, but all it asked was the simple question, who hurt you? And that was it. She left no other comments. So soon after that, I started on my own journey of going into counseling. I spent, I would say, about two years in and out of counseling services, switched my degree at the time, and decided to start pursuing a counseling degree. [00:02:54]
And through that received a lot of healing from my own sexual brokenness. And in the midst of that also started realizing that a lot of people coming to me had a lot of brokenness in their relationships and in their sexuality, in their marriages. And so I kept seeing it over and over again in the office and decided to go further and really study what it means to have sexual wholeness.
That's where I found the Association for Certificates in Sex Therapy. It's a Christian organization that I started with called the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists. And so it's been a pretty long journey that I would say has taken a good decade.
But in the midst of that, I've learned how to recover from my own brokenness and then also how to bring healing to others. And I fully believe that we can only actually have healing through Christ but in His amazing goodness to us, He uses people to do that quite often.
And so that's what I like to do is try to be the person, kind of the hands and feet of Christ, as many people say, and try to bring that encouragement to people and that healing and that light using Scripture, using wisdom, and just really loving on people. [00:03:58]
Laura Dugger: That is beautiful testimony. Thank you so much for sharing all of that. As a sex therapist, will you educate us on two of the sexual response cycles that you have studied?
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Sure. There's kind of, I guess, two that are the bigger ones. Most people are familiar with the one that's by Masters and Johnson. And it would really be considered now that we have more education, the typical male response.
In their model, what happens is you experience desire. So you notice your spouse, then arousal comes. So for men a lot of times that actually doesn't have to involve touching, it can involve just looking and noticing their spouse. But arousal comes after that and then you have sex, you get to what's called the orgasm stage where you actually do have the orgasm and then the plateau where you're just kind of not quite ready to have a sexual encounter again.
This is the one that's typically taught. Even though it fits the male physiology more, it's often taught as the acceptable model. TV, movies, if they're trying to create this really sexy romantic couple, that's what you're going to see on both the man and the woman is more of the typical male response cycle. [00:05:05]
Now, women, on the other hand, typically actually have more of what's called a receptive desire. So a lot of times men want for their wives to act a little bit more like them and seek them out and initiate sex. And certainly women can make themselves do that. And when I say "make", I don't mean force themselves. I mean they can get to a place where they realize how important it is and they can push themselves to be more of the initiator.
But oftentimes, women have more what's called a receptive desire. So they're not necessarily thinking about sex, but if they make out with their spouse for a little while or if their spouse is being extremely kind or loving or sweet to them, then they might find, Hey, you know, I think sex might be nice tonight.
But to have the sexual desire for a lot of women, they actually have to have the arousal first. So that means connection before the desire actually comes. And then they get to the orgasm stage. You know, for a lot of women, they can have multiple orgasms or they can kind of get close to orgasm and then it disappears and then it comes again. That's all normal for women. And then they have a plateau stage as well that actually doesn't usually last as long as it does for men. But that's the difference. [00:06:11]
So men a lot of times want their wives to initiate when wives are more like, you know, "Gosh, I'm sorry, I just didn't think about sex at all for the last three days. And now that you're mentioning it, I realized maybe we should do this."
Now, do realize women if you're out there and you're saying no, actually I have a higher desire than my husband, you're still pretty doggone normal too because in about a third of marriages, that's actually what we see is that the woman has the higher desire and she's more likely to initiate.
So even though those two models exist and one is typically more male and the other is typically more female, men and women can't switch on that and have the opposite side, not necessarily the one that's the typical male or typical female response.
Laura Dugger: That's helpful to hear the difference between the two. This question may be more related to that second model. Women often say their skills in multitasking can actually feel like a disadvantage in the bedroom. So do you have any practical ideas that can help them be more present during lovemaking?
Dr. Jessica McCleese: It's so funny because that's really true. I often explain to couples that for women, our minds just go, go, go, go, go. And we experience all of our thought life quite differently. And it doesn't stop during sex. It goes right with us into the bedroom. [00:07:24]
So for men, they really can't concentrate on one thing at a time. So if a man is having sex, that's what he's thinking about. Like his mind isn't on the latest sports team and if his team's going to win or not. Like he's not thinking about that. He doesn't care about that.
But for women, even if they're enjoying the sexual relationship, they can think about, "Oh yeah, did I touch base with my mom? She's supposed to babysit the kids tomorrow. I didn't confirm with her yet." They can be thinking about: "I need to call Susan and see if we're still going to coffee". They may think about, Oh, we got to get dinner and groceries. They can think of all of this while they're having sex. It's just how the woman's mind works.
When men hear that, in my office anyways, when men hear that and their wives start laughing and nodding their heads, guys are just shocked. They're like, "Really? You think about that during sex? Why would you think about that?" But the reality is that's how a woman's mind works.
So, women, I would encourage you, if that's happening for you, it's okay to pray during sex. So it's okay to ask in those moments, God, help me focus on my husband. God, help me remember what's happening here. Help me to stay in the moment.
And then to notice parts of your husband that you really want to focus on. So it may be his touch at that time. It may be his eyes as he's looking at you. It may be his hair, if you like his hair. It could be any of those things, but to really focus on him at that moment and make yourself keep going back to that place. What do I love about my husband? What do I love about this moment? That'll help you focus on and maintain and stay in the sexual relationship instead of wherever else your mind may go. [00:08:49]
Laura Dugger: That's really helpful. Something else that's common but rarely discussed is pain during intercourse. What are some examples of ways women can experience pain with sex?
Dr. Jessica McCleese: There's quite a few different ways that women can experience pain. So some women, if they have endometriosis, they may find that sex, in general, is painful, and then that pain may actually greatly increase with orgasm. So they may find that penetration doesn't hurt, but if they orgasm, it hurts really badly.
Some women find that orgasm actually isn't the part that hurts and so manual stimulation is fine for them, but any kind of penetration is really painful. I have known of women where they can have pain sometimes and sometimes they can't and they cannot for the life of them figure out why is it painful sometimes and not painful others. Aging can do that as well because the vaginal lining can thin so that can cause pain. Lack of lubrication can do it.
So we women are just so complicated in our physiology and so there are lots of different things that can actually cause pain and begin to experience some issues. [00:09:54]
Another really big one is anxiety. So, for some women, they have really high anxiety. I see this a lot of times with Christian women who have remained virgins. And for some reason, everybody they know has told them how painful sex will be the first time. And so they go into the relationship expecting it to be really painful, and so the anxiety rises. And then they have painful intercourse because they're so anxious. So then they put those two things together and say, yeah, it's always going to be painful. Even thinking about sex raises anxiety and so they're just not in a place where they can enjoy the experience.
So it's such a complicated issue. And if women come to see me because of painful intercourse, we're actually going to start, first of all, by doing a referral to a physician that can see if there's any kind of hormonal imbalances or any kind of issues related.
So a gynecological exam is what they're actually going to.
So anything that would relate to any kind of structural type issues, so that's always a first call. And then we're going to also look at their levels of anxiety and kind of what they've learned about sex and what their expectations of sex are.
Laura Dugger: That's really helpful because like you said, it's so complex and there's so many underlying issues. [00:11:01] What are some of those underlying reasons women experience pain with intercourse?
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Sure. So the anxiety is a really big piece. I would always say, you know, anxiety is going to be one of the first things we look at. Any kind of infection can do that as well. So yeast infections can do that. Any other bacterial infections can do that as well.
I've known of women who will have an allergy to something they're eating and it's actually hurting their physiology and causing vaginal discomfort because of that. So it might dry them out or it might cause inflammation. And they may not even know they have an allergy because they don't feel anything happening in the rest of their body. So figuring out those pieces too if there's any kind of issues related to food.
I mean there's kind of a host of problems. Every once in a while there can be a structural issue. So a pelvic exam can help a woman find out if that's what's going on. That's really one of the more rare reasons, not typically something that's going to be an issue.
Sometimes it can actually be they're not getting enough foreplay because maybe they've seen a lot of movies where women just jump into sex and seem to have the time of their lives. [00:12:05] And so a lot of women don't realize that they actually need approximately 15 minutes of foreplay to even be lubricated enough to enjoy sex.
And a lot of times men don't realize that either, especially if they've watched a lot of pornography in the past or if they've watched a lot of movies where it seems like if a woman really loves them, they'll just jump into bed.
We talked about the whole difference between the Masters and Johnson model and then more of that kind of receptive desire model. So if you expect, well, a woman's going to be ready for sex as quickly as the man is ready for sex, that can cause a lot of issues just with even the getting prepared for intercourse. And when I say getting prepared, I mean, you know, spending the time together, having a little foreplay first.
So if a woman doesn't understand how her body works and her husband doesn't understand either, that can cause a lot of painful intercourse because they're just not really getting to the place where the body is actually receptive for sex.
Laura Dugger: It sounds like there's so many different people that need to be on the team helping out. But you're first ruling out, like you said, the gynecological appointments, but that's more rare. Is that right? [00:13:07]
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Well, the structural issues would be more rare. So having some kind of gynecological problem, like maybe a yeast infection or any kind of bacterial infection, that wouldn't be as uncommon, but having something that's an actual structural damage.
For instance, I knew of a woman once who had kind of a flap of skin, basically, that was there, but it wasn't the hymen. It was thicker than that would have been. So that would have been something abnormal. And so she experienced painful intercourse, where that was just a simple surgical procedure where they could remove that and she was fine.
So every once in a while there's a structural issue. And that's what I mean. If it's actually an issue within the structure of the vagina, then that would be the one that's more rare and not as typical the cause of actual pain.
It's a very multifaceted treatment. I believe that we've got to look at the entire person and entire body when we're working on any kind of sexual issues. And so we're not just looking at the actual event of having sex, but we're looking also at kind of relationship history, how comfortable you are together. We're looking at physical health, we're looking at emotional health and spiritual health, because if you kind of already feel like sex is dirty or maybe you're bad if you want sex very often, like all of those things can play into it as well. [00:14:22]
So when we do counseling session that's focused more on the sexual pain, we're going to really get a history of everything that's going on in your life, not just the sexual relationship, to try to figure out what are some of these underlying issues.
With sexual pain in particular, it's not as easy just to say, Well, go to a doctor, get treatment, and then you'll be good. Because that's not how it works. It's a very multifaceted issue. And once you've had painful sex once or twice, you kind of expect it from then on, which can be a big barrier for enjoying your sexual relationship as well.
So there are lots of pieces we have to put into place. But if there is sexual pain and someone comes to see me, I 100% will always recommend that they also get a gynecological exam just so we can make sure that's on the right track and that they're healthy. Then also physical therapy which actually would be pelvic floor sessions and pelvic floor therapy. Usually, it's a physical therapist that does that. But those are the things that I always put in place too, kind of alongside what we're doing in talk therapy and sometimes as a prequel to talk therapy. But we always put that in place too to make sure that those areas are being taken care of. [00:15:28]
I don't do any of that. What I do is the talking and the understanding your thinking patterns going into sex and So I always have someone else that's going to work alongside me for those areas to make sure that a woman is being taken care of in that way.
Laura Dugger: That's so good. Like we mentioned, it definitely takes a team and yet there is help available. So hopefully that encourages somebody to reach out and get their treatment process started today. For somebody who is looking for treatment, any further treatment that you recommend for someone who is currently experiencing this?
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Yeah. So one of the things that is just really helpful for people that have experienced sexual pain is what's called a dilator set. And for some women I've found that this can be kind of uncomfortable for them because they feel almost like it's a sex toy or a vibrator but it's really not. All it is is a medical device. And what it does is it slowly stretches the vagina so that sex is more comfortable but also so you can be more comfortable with the process of having sex.
So the first one the smallest one is really small about the size of your pinky so it's a little bitty and then they get larger in diameter up to the size that would be considered kind of the normal size of a penis. Those are used slowly and they're used kind of at your own comfort level so that you can slowly stretch out the vagina. [00:16:50]
If a woman goes to physical therapy and they're doing some kind of pelvic floor type work like what I would expect any woman that's having pain, that's one of the first things they're going to mention to them is they're going to help them get one of those sets.
They teach you about you want to be in a relaxed atmosphere. So you would do this alone in your room and you would be clean, maybe take a shower first. You don't do it in times of high stress or anxiety. But you kind of get into a place where you're feeling more relaxed and then you would use those dilator sets over time so you don't use one and go from the smallest to the largest in one evening. Over time you use them as you feel comfortable to move on. So that's one of the things.
And if women have never heard of those, I actually teach them about the dilators. I show them pictures online, how to order them, and all of that. And there's plenty of companies that are really discreet, so they're going to send them very plain packaging. They don't have nudity included. Nothing like that. So they're very easy to use once you know how.
Then also, husbands can work with their wives alongside this. So they can just be present in the room with them and sit with them in that process so that they feel like they're not so alone. Husbands can kind of comfort their wives by playing a role. [00:17:58] Maybe they'll talk with them a little bit beforehand and just be available if there's, you know, any fear or anxiety.
So it's something that actually couples can do together and that way they can both feel involved and it doesn't feel like this is just the woman's work. Because really anytime we do any kind of sexual therapy at all, it's for both of the people in the couple, not one, even if one of them seems to have the actual presenting difficulty.
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsor.
Sponsor: Today another anonymous donor stepped up to pay the sponsorship fee and share a very important organization with you. It's called Sexual Wholeness. Wouldn't you get excited and want to know more if you heard of an organization whose mission statement was commissioning a network of Christian therapists and educators to revolutionize the church with God's truth about sexuality?
This Christian nonprofit organization, Sexual Wholeness, has that as their mission, and they work to accomplish it through classes and video-based resources. The Institute for Sexual Wholeness provides graduate courses in sex therapy for licensed therapists. These classes are offered in a three-day weekend intensive format in Atlanta, Georgia. [00:19:06]
Taking these courses will not only increase your ability to deal with sexual issues, but it can also lead to a certification as a sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists.
Sexual Wholeness also has the Christian Association of Sexual Educators, with video-based courses designed for church educators to facilitate in their local communities. Currently, there are three video-based courses, Dance of the Sexes on single sexuality, Covenant Lovers with sexual enrichment for married couples, and Heroes and Warriors for helping men with sexual integrity.
In a sex-saturated culture, the Church needs trained educators and therapists to cultivate God's truth about sexuality with the freedom and wholeness that it will produce.
Many of the guests on The Savvy Sauce have taken these courses, and then they come back to share with us all of their findings. These continue to be some of our most popular episodes, and they get shared around the world. We appreciate Sexual Wholeness, and we hope that you'll visit their website to find out more, sexualwholeness.com. [00:20:11]
Laura Dugger: On your blog, you wrote a post called The Discomfort of Intimacy, and we can link to that in the show notes. But in it, you say that it can be surprisingly difficult to communicate messages with our spouse. So how can we train ourselves to be more vulnerable and communicative with our requests and our desires?
Dr. Jessica McCleese: So let me explain a little bit first about why it's difficult to have those conversations. Probably my favorite example of that is Adam and Eve. And not just my favorite, but the earliest example known to man we have the example of Adam and Eve.
If you read in Genesis, they're hanging out in the garden and all is well. And then sin enters the world because they partake of the fruit that they weren't supposed to touch. And then scripture says that they realized they were naked and they hid themselves. But before that moment, they were naked and unashamed.
So we all live in this place where we realize our own weaknesses, our own places of pain, our own places of vulnerability. And in those moments, we want to often do like Adam and Eve did. They ran and hid. Now, they ran and hid from God, the same God that they had talked to with no problem before then. [00:21:19] But they realized in their weakness that they had done wrong, and they realized that sin showed them how vulnerable they were, and so they try to run and hide. from the God that they knew that walked with them and talked with them.
We do the same a lot of times in our marriage. We have this vulnerability where I know my spouse loves me, loves me so much he even asked me to marry him and spend our entire lives together. So I know my spouse loves me but there can be these times where there's a vulnerability there where I realize how weak I am and I have just a little bit of fear that if my husband knew this about me or if he knew that I was needy or knew that I was weak, he's not gonna love me anymore.
And even saying it, it sounds ridiculous because we know it's not true and yet somehow we often believe that lie that my spouse won't love me if or my spouse won't love me when they find this out. So we sit in that place of really discomfort and being too scared to move forward and say, Here I am.
So even something as simple as, Hey, you know, can we start having a date night? We can be very scared to have that conversation and instead we want to run and hide. [00:22:20] So we can be scared of having that conversation because we say, well, gosh, if you knew that I was so needy, that I'm asking you to spend time with me, even though we sit on the couch every night and watch TV, then you're going to think I'm weak or you're going to not like me or my goodness, you may tell me you don't have time for me. And that's a horrible thing to even consider.
So a lot of times we find that it's hard to express our needs because we just can't come to the place of saying, you love me despite my weakness. You love me despite my vulnerability. So we have that place of dissonance where I know what's true and yet I act and behave as if that isn't true.
So I know my spouse loves me and I know my spouse wants the best for me and I know my spouse wants to connect with me, but if I ask for date night, I may find out I'm wrong and I may see that you don't love me and want to connect with me. So it's easier not to ask you instead of making myself vulnerable and saying, "This is what I need from you. Can you meet my need?"
So we often live with a fear of not moving forward and connecting because we're just afraid that we're going to be told we're not as important as we are. [00:23:21]
Laura Dugger: Sure. And emotional connection really is the doorway to sexual connection. And that leads into my next question. How can couples increase their joy in the marriage bed?
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Yeah, absolutely. So a big part of that is realizing, like you said, that need for emotional connection. I've had couples come to me and they really expect if we would have more sex, we'd be better off in our relationship. And then I take a look at their relationship and I say, "My goodness, sex is like the least of your worries right now, my friends. You gotta connect."
I often tell couples, as I'm listening to you guys, I can't help but think, who wants to sleep with the enemy? Like, no one will get in bed with the enemy, and yet you guys are kind of mean to each other, or you guys name-call, or you guys aren't close, so no wonder you don't want to have sex together.
So oftentimes, really to increase that joy in the marriage bed, you actually have to increase it in the rest of the relationship. That means working on your friendship. That means working on ways to communicate better so that you can be heard. That means learning how to handle your conflict in a way that helps the marriage and not hurts the marriage. [00:24:27]
So when we're looking at increasing the joy in sexuality, that is just such a small piece of the work we're really doing. Because what we're really doing is working on the entire relationship and getting to a place where you can feel comfortable within your actual union long before you ever make it into the bedroom.
So this means enjoying your date nights and this means becoming friends again. I like to refer to the Greek loves that we know about. So the Eros and the Agape and the Phileo. So that friendship has to be strong. The Agape, so like your forgiveness and your reconciliation has to be good and strong. And then the Eros comes in. None of those three are more important than the other, but they all have to be pretty strong to enjoy your relationship and enjoy your marital intimacy.
Laura Dugger: Ooh, I love that. Could you even break that down further and give maybe one to two examples of each of those types of love, what that would look like in a marriage? [00:25:25]
Dr. Jessica McCleese: The friendship piece, so that Phileo love... again, none of these are more important than the others. I'm just starting with the one that's more comfortable for people if they're working on their relationship as a whole. So that friendship piece is really looking for doing something fun together that you both enjoy.
So when we look at kids... this is actually kind of funny. My nieces have been hanging out with me and so what we've been doing is introducing them to other little kids so they can have fun. And little kids are just neat. They get together, they ask what's your name and then they're like, Great, let's go play and find something we both enjoy doing. And we somehow lose that as adults.
But part of what you need in your relationship is figuring out, hey, I want to just hang out with you, so what's something we both enjoy doing? Or the other side of that is if we don't have a lot of common interests, what can I do that I know you love and just enjoy being with you? Then, you know, hopefully your spouse will do the same.
But find something you love. It may be going to a museum. It may be getting really dressed up and going out for a special night. It may be listening to music and dancing in your living room. It may be fixing a meal together. [00:26:26] The possibilities are endless when it comes to friendship because all you're trying to do is spend time together and enjoy that time together. So that's that friendship part or the phileo part.
Now the Agape part is more of the kind of spiritual love. It goes beyond what most of us have an ability to do outside of our Christian faith and outside of Christ working in our lives. So that Agape love is more of the, you know what, when you're annoying the fire out of me, I'm still gonna love you.
My husband and I joke often that we annoy each other to no end sometimes, but we wouldn't want to be annoyed by anyone else. Like we'd rather be annoyed by each other than anybody else on earth. So part of that agape love is even though you annoy me I'm still gonna love you. And I'm gonna love you by not pointing out all of your flaws and I'm gonna love you by not telling you all these areas where you need to improve in your life. And I'm gonna love you by letting you know when you're doing something that could hurt you and or hurt me so that we can talk about it, but we're gonna talk about it in a very kind and gentle manner. [00:27:24]
If you're not getting your laundry done and it makes me mad, I'm gonna ask you kindly to take care of it, not tell you you're a slob. Like, that's part of agape, right? We enter relationship with kindness, gentleness, and grace.
Then that Eros love, it's sexual intimacy for sure, that's a piece of it, but not just sexual intimacy. It's any kind of that intimate connection that would be a little deeper than you would do just as friends. So that Eros love can include a shoulder rub for one another. It can include maybe dressing up in something that you know your spouse loves.
So like, I happen to love to get dressed up to go out to dinner. A way my husband can show me some of that Eros love is he can dress up, even though he has to do it Monday through Friday as a teacher, that he can dress up really nice and take me out for a dinner on Saturday night. And that to me is an eros kind of love because he's attractive and he looks great. So things like that are increasing that eros love.
Certainly the intimacy, the sexual intimacy comes into that as well. So, for couples that are finding they can't intimately connect and they want to, eros love would be saying, Okay, let's get really practical and see what day and time we have this week where we can set aside and make sure it's just for us. [00:28:34]
All of that is an Eros kind of love. It's the making time for your connection, sometimes scheduling sex, and then really enjoying your connection. So that might mean sitting down and having a conversation about what's been happening in your romantic relationship, what's been good that you'd like to see continue, and maybe what are some needs that haven't been being met. So that would be a time to talk about longer foreplay if you need it or if you need a little more variety.
So instead of saying, "Hey, do you want to have sex?" and I say yes, and then we go up to the bedroom, could you maybe woo me a little first? All of that is Eros' kind of love.
Laura Dugger: That is fantastic. I'm just so thankful for all the knowledge that you've shared with us.
If you're like me, you can't get enough podcasts, and I have some exciting news for you. Did you know that we have bonus episodes that are only available to paying patrons? For as little as $5 per month, you can access some of our most exclusive content. Each $5 patron will gain access to all previous podcasts and a secret bonus episode every month. [00:29:37] We hope that you find this to be an incredible deal.
That means that if you sign up today, you can hear all of our previous additional conversations with world-known speakers such as Courtney DeFeo and Karen Stubbs, along with so many more. We hope you sign up today by visiting thesavvysauce.com and clicking on the Patreon tab. Thanks for your support.
If listeners want to go further, how can they connect with you?
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Sure. So you can go to my website at befullywell.com. That is befullywell.com. So one word. I would love to connect with you there. My articles are there. I have my link to Facebook and YouTube there as well. So you can check out videos and follow me on Facebook if you or a fan of the Facebook world. So that's one way.
Also my phone number is on the top of that page and the bottom of the page, so that makes it really easy to connect with me.
Laura Dugger: Well, our listeners know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" means practical knowledge. As we conclude today, we would love to hear, what is your savvy sauce? [00:30:41]
Dr. Jessica McCleese: Sure. One really great way to work on your relationship, and since that's what we've been talking about today with that connection by relationship, one of the great ways to do that is to look at ways that you can kind of praise and adore your spouse. Not only praise like you would in church, right? I mean, we all work well to hear encouragement kind of praise.
So I always encourage couples that are either going through a hard time or just looking to feel a little bit more intimately connected to start a 30-day journey where every single day you write out something positive about your spouse. The idea is to try not to say the same thing twice.
Now, you may have to reword some things and kind of repeat maybe themes, but you want to write out one encouragement for your spouse, maybe a prayer for your spouse, or just something about "I love when you do this". Keep those in a journal for 30 days.
Now, if you really want to be romantic, you can actually show those to your spouse at the end of the 30 days. But in reality, that exercise is for you, not for your spouse, and it's to help you get connected with really kind of the things you love most about your spouse so that you can keep seeing them in a very positive light. [00:31:44]
Laura Dugger: That is an awesome idea. I love it. Dr. McLeese, I also love your down-to-earth approach and helpful suggestions. Thank you for just taking some of your precious time today to share your years of experience to educate us in this important area.
Dr. Jessica McCleese: You're so welcome. Thanks for having me.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:32:48]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:33:52]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:34:53]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 15, 2019
Monday Apr 15, 2019
48. Pursuing Health, Not Vanity Before and After Childbearing with Blogger, Speaker, Coach, and Podcaster, Megan Dahlman
**Transcription Below**
Proverbs 31:17 NIV “She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.”
Megan Dahlman is the founder of Strong Mommas, a website and online community that equips women with the specific tools they need to reach their physical potential, without all of the vanity garbage. She is a Certified Strength Coach and a Nutrition Coach, and has spent years training and coaching women on how to strength train at home, how to easily choose healthy food every time, and how to maintain a Christ-centered perspective through all of it. Megan lives in Oregon City, Oregon with her husband, two little boys, horse and dog.
Connect with Megan on Facebook or Instagram
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's episode is brought to you by Kelsie Zarko. She provides practical education and guidance in using Young Living essential oils and products. Kelsie is passionate about making wellness simple and she will assist you in taking an intentional approach to your health and home. You can find out more at KelsieZarko.com. That's KelsieZarko.com.
Have you been looking for creative ways to invest in your relationship with your spouse and family? You can do it from home with zero preparation with Night In Boxes. For more information, visit nightinboxes.com.
Laura Dugger: I'm excited to introduce you to Megan Dahlman, the founder of Strong Mommas. She's going to vision-cast a healthy lifestyle of stewarding our bodies for God's glory rather than selfishly seeking after vanity. [00:01:21] She's going to give us practical meal plans and postpartum body exercise ideas. Here's our chat.
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Megan.
Megan Dahlman: Hi, thank you so much. It's so good to be here, Laura.
Laura Dugger: Well, please just start us off by telling us more about yourself and how you decided to start your own business called Strong Mommas.
Megan Dahlman: Yes, thank you. Well, I've been married to my husband, Scott, for over 12 years now. We have two little boys. Wild boys. They're eight and five, Calvin and Peter. Then I'm also a certified strength and conditioning specialist, as well as a precision nutrition certified coach.
My background I have my degree in kinesiology, or technically exercise science. I started my career essentially training athletes for years. My background is in human performance enhancement. I spent years training athletes, anywhere from middle school, high school, college athletes, all the way up to professional athletes.
Then it morphed from there for me, for my career. I started my own training business nine years ago now, training mostly women at the time. And over the years, it's just the nature of it has led to being able to train mostly women. [00:02:40]
But something along the way just wasn't sitting right with me. I just felt like working out and eating healthy in the world that we live in always seemed to have this one overarching purpose, which was to look really good. Kind of this vanity piece that just was always there.
As a believer, someone who desires to really align my life with God and my work with God and with His values and ultimately point everything and everyone towards Him, helping people Look sexier and helping people get their fittest than a self, it just was not jiving with my soul.
There was kind of this breaking point for me that I knew that there had to be a better way, a different way to go about this or I was out. I didn't really want to be a part of this industry anymore because it felt like it was just this soul-sucking side of the industry. It didn't seem like there was anything else to this. [00:03:46]
There was one day I really remember clearly. It was one of those audible moments where you just hear God so clearly. And I could hear Him say to me, You are right where I need you to be. I didn't really know exactly what that meant at the time. Strong Mommas was never a thing in my mind, but I just knew that, "Okay, I can't leave. There's going to be something here for me. There's a spot here in this industry that's necessary."
From that moment, God started to work in my heart and showed me this vision of Strong Mommas, of essentially a program or a way of going about nutrition and fitness in a way that honors God through and through. The foundation of Strong Mommas and what drives everything about the message of it and my program is really showing women how we can be strong and healthy despite the pressures that we feel from a vanity-saturated culture. [00:04:46]
Laura Dugger: Wow. Clearly, your faith fuels your view on fitness. It just sounds like you focus less on vanity and more on stewardship. Do you have any verses that are foundational for your beliefs?
Megan Dahlman: Oh, absolutely. I actually have several. I have a lot because I think it fuels me every day to keep me pointed in the right direction and to know that, okay, this is what God wants for me personally in my life and my calling, but then also for so many other women.
One verse from the beginning that was a real eye-opener for me. One we know a lot is the Proverbs 31 woman, especially Proverbs 31:17. This particular verse was a big eye-opener for me. It says, "She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong." That verse really showed me that training and conditioning was never intended to be in opposition to godly living. It was always a piece of it.
In fact, the description that we get in Proverbs 31, this highly honorable woman, a woman that seems really hard to attain to, but it's kind of our model. [00:05:59] Her model includes physical fitness. And it actually says it in another spot too. You can't leave this component out. It has to be in there. So that was a really big eye-opener for me.
Another one that I really cling to also is Luke 10:27. Jesus says in that verse, Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, with all of your soul, with all of your strength, and with all of your mind. And it's this concept that we worship God with our entire being and that includes our physical being too.
Our physical body is an essential component to how we posture ourselves towards Him and align ourselves with Him. And we can't leave that out. I think so much of us really focus on where's my heart at and where is my mind at and is my heart and mind and soul postured towards Him? But then we leave out our physical bodies and we're missing a huge component or a huge opportunity to worship him with something else. [00:07:04]
So those couple of verses are huge for me and they really drive me. That's for sure.
Laura Dugger: That's so great because it can be such a paradigm shift for all of us because you're right, I think We have been saturated with that vanity culture, and so we think, well, if we are prioritizing working out, healthy living, maybe that's really self-focused.
Megan Dahlman: Right, and it's not. For some of us, it might start there. But I think if we can examine our hearts and be like, what is my “why”? Why am I doing this? What is the purpose of this? In light of eternity, we can see that it doesn't get left off the table. We can still incorporate it. We can still do it, not for us, you know, not for just my own benefit, but there is a piece to this that we're doing it and it's very worshipful.
It brings God glory when we take care of our bodies and steward them because they're ultimately gifts from Him. And when He gives us something, He doesn't want us to squander it or to not take care of it. [00:08:09]
Laura Dugger: That stewardship piece, just when we are working out and having a healthy lifestyle, it seems like we have more energy to live out the gifts that He's given us. I love how you say on your website that you want women to experience their bodies the way that God intended them to. So can you just vision cast for us what does that actually look like?
Megan Dahlman: Yes. Well, we have to understand that God designed all of us so very uniquely. We all bear His image in a different way, in a very unique way. So I reflect Him and pieces of His character and His image differently than you do. And we're all unique in that respect. Yet we're all still somehow clamoring to try to change ourselves, especially physically.
We kind of tend to have an ideal body in mind that we wish that we could all become. And for many of us, that's what motivates our exercise or motivates our reason to eat healthy is because we want to change ourselves somehow. [00:09:11]
All of us women have something about our bodies that we don't really like. It could be our thighs, it could be our hips, our arms, or maybe even our nose. And often our inspiration for working out and eating better is to change who we are. But unfortunately, if that's our driving force, we're just never going to be satisfied. We're never going to feel that contentment. We're always going to keep trying.
And we see that with people that become obsessed with living in the gym or obsessed with dieting. It's this almost yearning for something that they know it's just not satisfying. If they could lose five more pounds or just one more percentage of body fat, then they're going to be happy, where we know that that's not true contentment. It's never going to satisfy.
God really wants me to be exactly who I am. He wants me to enjoy the body that He gave me and the body that He designed for me, even with all of its flaws and weaknesses. Because we all have our own flaws and weaknesses, whether it's a foot that's turned out one direction, or knees that kind of knock a little bit, or a shoulder that sits a little higher than the other.
We're all designed a little differently and we can sometimes see those as flaws. But He really wants us to take care of this body however it is, to view our body as a precious gift that was in fact very, very costly. [00:10:44] Our bodies cost a lot for Him. He gave His life for this body exactly how it is and we must take care of it.
Laura Dugger: That's very motivational to hear you say it that way. Now let's take a brief break to hear a message from two of our sponsors.
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Laura Dugger: You had mentioned earlier you're a mom of two little boys and so you've experienced the seasons of postpartum body. Was that what you had expected before you had kids?
Megan Dahlman: Well, yes and no. There's kind of two parts to this. It's kind of funny because as a trainer, I definitely went into my pregnancy in very good shape. That was one of my goals was to be in the best shape I could entering pregnancy because I knew it would help. It would certainly help. and it did.
But I must say that my heart was not in very good shape. I didn't realize that I would really need to battle the pressures of having a body that bounced back. I think we hear that phrase a lot. We have this pressure of bouncing back after pregnancy. And I didn't realize how pressured that would be.
Looking back, I realized I was really very overly concerned with my own body image and how quickly I bounced back. [00:14:02] And I had to kind of prove that, you know, as a trainer, I could essentially erase all evidence of ever being pregnant.
I think we often, as postpartum women, that's kind of our goal with fitness, is that we want to erase all evidence of being pregnant. We want it to look like we never went through that whole huge process. For me, my heart really changed over the years, though, especially as I've had to accept that I am, in fact, postpartum and will be postpartum forever. There's nothing that will change that.
We expend so much energy trying to make it look like this never happened, that this pregnancy never happened. In my own journey, my body definitely changed. It's very strong now. It's probably fitter and more capable of more things now than I could do before but my body is different. My breasts are different now. My skin is different now. My belly shape is different now. It just is. [00:15:03]
And there was kind of a turning moment for me where I just let that go of trying to change that. I think we look in the mirror and get so discouraged or disappointed in the way our body changes through pregnancy. We have no control over many of those things. It just is the way our bodies react to pregnancy. God really ultimately controls that and some react a little differently than others. And I think when we recognize that, okay, this is just the way my body did it. That's okay. It's really okay.
The thing that is truly the most helpful for all of us women journeying through pregnancy and beyond is to recognize how strong and capable we are even postpartum. For myself, I am physically capable of doing more things with my body than I was before my kids.
It's so exciting and encouraging to know that okay just because I had kids I'm stuck or I'm not capable of doing certain things. That's not at all the truth. Your body is not broken. I know sometimes we feel like it might be. But there are actually in fact very many real solutions to a lot of issues that we do experience postpartum. We can't ignore that fact. [00:16:26]
So there are a lot of postpartum things that we have to deal with, including, you know, kind of on a practical level. The separated abdominal issue, I'm sure many of us have been curious about that or not sure what that means or if there's any way to deal with that.
Technically it's called diastasis recti and it's a very real thing. Pretty much 100% of pregnancies develop separated abdominals. It's just part of the picture of how our bodies expand for pregnancy. Then in addition to that, many of us experience pelvic floor problems postpartum. And that's one that we tend to not talk about it because we weren't expecting it and we were kind of a little embarrassed about it, and we don't think that there's actually a solution for it. We just kind of live with it.
Then another thing that a lot of us deal with is maybe sciatica and hip issues, maybe even posture issues. So there's a lot of things that can make us feel broken postpartum and just make us feel like our bodies went through the wringer, but there are real solutions to those things. There are ways that you can be helped. [00:17:36]
But I think it's most important for us to release this idea that we need to bounce back or make it look like we were never ever pregnant. I think once we get rid of that idea, and just move forward and accept the fact that, "Okay, I'm working with a different body now. Let's see what this new body can do," that's really exciting.
Laura Dugger: That is exciting. I think that your response is so balanced because you're right, there are things that we can address. We don't have to have this learned helplessness victim mentality where we can't improve any of these issues that we're having. There are certain things that we are empowered to do, such as visiting a pelvic floor specialist or doing these certain exercises that can help repair our abdomen.
The other changes that you're saying we just need to accept, it makes me think of Jesus after He was raised from the dead and when he revealed Himself to His friends and followers, He didn't erase His scars. He still wore those and showed those. [00:18:46]
Megan Dahlman: That is such a good picture. That we can remember that our scars are not something that we need to hide or be ashamed of. In fact, they can reveal a lot about our bodies and what our bodies have been through, and that's really okay.
I do believe that it really is possible for women to love their bodies after having babies. I think some of us feel like that's never going to be a possibility, that my body just went through the ringer and there's so much. It feels so overwhelming. But it's absolutely possible to really love your body after baby. So many women feel like they want to just give up. Like, there's nothing I can do about this. It's such an overwhelming giant mountain to climb.
But don't give up on your body. Identify what the real issues are, identify if there are actual tangible things that have real solutions to them. [00:19:46] And then actively seek those solutions because those solutions really do exist.
I think in many areas of our life, we kind of wallow in our self-pity when often we don't realize that the answer and the solution is sitting right in front of us. It's important for actually us to get up and grab that solution. We will feel a million times better the moment we do.
And then you'll love your body so much more if you stop trying to reverse time. Let that whole idea go. Focus on moving forward and keep thinking about what your body can do now. Our postpartum bodies are capable of remarkable things. Sometimes we just have this idea of, well, I'll just give up and maybe just work on being moderately healthy when we could maybe experience a body that is incredibly strong and extremely healthy and really exciting too.
Most of the moms in the program that I have are completely shocked at what they're able to do after even just a couple months. They say to me, "Megan, I can't believe I'm already thinking about getting 20-pound dumbbells, 25-pound dumbbells. I had no idea I was this strong." [00:21:06] And it's so exciting and they're incredibly encouraged to know what their body is capable of doing.
Laura Dugger: I think this would be a great time then to lay out some of those solutions that we could grab. First, what are some simple eating strategies that you have for overwhelmed moms?
Megan Dahlman: This is so good because it's easy to get overwhelmed and to feel like, well, I'm just not going to worry about it until my life is a little calmer and things are a little bit more perfect and I can really put more effort into it. But there are very, very simple things that we can do even when life is really crazy.
I would say that the number one thing is just feed your body. I can't tell you how many moms skip meals. They'll feed their kids first and then realize, "Oh, I have this to do. I have this to do," and they'll actually skip eating a meal.
Make feeding your own self as important as feeding your own kids. We would never in our right minds not give our kids breakfast. That just would never cross our mind. But we do that to ourselves all the time. [00:22:14] So a good thing to keep in mind for ourselves is if it's a mealtime, you have to eat.
On the flip side, something that also helps us keep in line, if it's not a mealtime, don't eat. Because I think many of us moms, we get to the point where we skip meals, but then we munch all day long later on because we're super hungry. Well, of course, we're super hungry because we skipped our meals.
So the trick is if it's a mealtime make sure that you eat. Take the time to feed yourself just like you would your kids. And then if it's not a mealtime if it's in between a normal mealtime, don't eat. Wait until the next mealtime.
Then the next step that I would really recommend that you grab on to and this is something that you'll remember probably for the rest of your life, it's one of the easiest tips for eating well, is that each one of those meal times eat your pros. I know it sounds kind of funny, but you'll never forget that.
So if it's a breakfast, lunch, dinner, or even a snack, choose something that's a protein and something that's produce. Those two things need to be in your meal every single time. That is the foundation for every one of your meals. And when we break it down to that, we're like, Oh, that's actually pretty easy. Eat your pros. [00:23:37]
Okay, protein. What's on my plate that is a protein and then what's on my plate that's some fresh produce? And we could stop there. We don't have to be fancy about it. Don't overthink it because we feel like, well, if it's not done perfectly, if I don't have this fancy meal plan all created with all these perfectly healthy meals, it's not worth doing.
But when we bring it back, most moms can probably admit, Yeah, I can work on eating all of my meals and eating my pros, protein and produce, with each one of those meals. And that can really lift off a huge, huge burden for many moms.
Laura Dugger: Okay, and then just a few clarifying questions with that. Are you saying that you would not recommend any snacking, just three meals a day?
Megan Dahlman: No. I'm glad you asked for clarification on that. What I recommend is start with those three main meals. Make sure that those are in place. Then look at the time of day that you tend to get the snackiest. [00:24:40] I think for most of us moms, it's kind of mid-afternoon, that long gap between lunch and dinner.
At that time when you tend to be the snackiest, instead of trying to force yourself to try to say no or to restrict or to avoid food, put a meal, an intentional meal at that time of day. So for many women, their day might end up looking like breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner.
Once they get into that habit of eating full meals at each time, including that snack, it's got to be pros also, it's got to have protein, it's got to have produce, over the course of time you're going to notice that your energy levels really start to even out, your body begins to get all the nutrients that it really needs, and you're going to meet all of those nutritional requirements to feel good and healthy and feel great.
So yes, definitely include a snack but be very purposeful about it. Don't just snack because you feel hungry. Think about why you're feeling hungry. Are you feeling hungry because maybe your previous meal was not high quality enough? Maybe you didn't eat enough at the previous meal. [00:25:56] And then if that's a typical time of day that you tend to get hungry, then turn that into a real meal. And it can be a snack. But turn that into another opportunity to feed your body good nutrients.
Laura Dugger: That's really helpful. My second follow-up question was just, could you give an example of a menu for eating your pros for breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack, and dinner?
Megan Dahlman: Yes. Like I said, we tend to try to get too fancy with this. So I am going to give you some examples for making it really, really easy. So for breakfast, so we know that we need to have protein. A really great protein option is eggs. So if it's too hard to make yourself some eggs in the morning, I recommend having some hard-boiled eggs on hand. We should be having at least probably two eggs. That's gonna do best to meet our protein requirements. Minimum, that amount. So egg is a really great protein option.
Then we can add in some other produce with that. So if you're cooking your eggs, you can add in a couple handfuls of vegetables to that and maybe do a vegetable scramble or a veggie omelet. If that seems really far out of reach, grab a banana. So, if you're running out the door, grab a couple hard-boiled eggs and a banana, and you ate your pros, and that's easy. [00:27:22]
It doesn't also have to look like breakfast. It can be some leftover chicken from the night before and a small salad. Sometimes we think that breakfast has to look like breakfast. It really doesn't, as long as you're getting your nutrients.
A good option for lunch is kind of along those same lines. I really recommend taking advantage of the bagged salad trend right now. I think the fact that we have salads kind of already made for us is brilliant. So get yourself some bagged salads. And usually those smaller bags, that's typically two servings in there.
So pull out half the bag and then add some sort of protein to it. So whether that's some sliced-up deli meat or another hard-boiled egg on top of it, maybe some cooked chicken or even leftover steak, you can do that.
Soup is another really great option. But just double-check your soup and make sure that it actually has protein in it. Because if it's just vegetable-based, that's great, you're getting produce, but you really do need to make sure that you have protein in it.
A great afternoon snack idea is, to keep it super simple, just have maybe some sliced apples dipped in nut butter. The nut butter is going to provide you with the protein, and then the apple is going to be your produce. [00:28:42]
Some really great dinner ideas. I think dinner, for most of us, we do pretty well. We tend to, as Americans, if we're going to have a good home-cooked dinner, we tend to have a meat and maybe some sort of vegetable, but then we usually also include a lot of other stuff with it. So just make sure that when you're making dinner that the meat is really the star of the dish, and then double up on the veggies, double up on the produce that you have there. Make sure that almost half your plate is full of produce and you're going to feel really, really good if that's how you're eating on a regular basis.
Laura Dugger: That's always helpful to hear suggestions, especially if we're stuck in a rut.
Some of you have reached out to find specific books or resources that we have mentioned in one of our episodes. That's why I'm so excited to let you know about our new "Resources" tab. When you visit thesavvysauce.com, you can now click on our new tab called "Resources". There you will find all the resources we've ever mentioned on all the episodes of The Savvy Sauce. And when you purchase a resource from that list, you actually support our work at The Savvy Sauce. [00:29:49]
We also spend a lot of time preparing show notes for every individual episode, so you can still access the websites, scripture, and recommended resources when you click on any individual episode. We hope you take advantage of these features so you can apply all that you've learned.
So now let's flip it over to the exercise side of things. What kind of exercise strategies do you recommend or find work best?
Megan Dahlman: Definitely exercises that give you the most bang for your buck. I recommend staying away from spot training style of workouts where you pick one exercise to work one singular muscle group. That's going to take you forever. And for many of us moms, we just simply don't have the time or even the mental focus to do that for so long.
So if you're strapped for time, which most of us are, you have to really choose the most effective method, something that's going to give you the most bang for your buck in a short amount of time. So strength training in general, especially functional style strength training is hands-down the most effective means for doing high quality workouts in a short amount of time. [00:31:02]
So most women will automatically turn to cardio first. It's usually kind of the go-to style of exercise. Actually, when we're looking at getting a body that feels better, that's stronger, that even carries less body fat on it, that's probably one of the least effective methods for accomplishing that goal.
The most effective thing is lifting some weights and doing weights in a functional manner, moving the weights in a way that incorporates a lot of different body parts and pushes your muscles to the edge where they really do have to work hard and you move quickly so that your heart rate is up.
So you don't have to spend an hour at a time doing a workout. If you have the right group of exercises done at the right pace with the right amount of intensity, it's amazing what you can accomplish in just 30 minutes.
Laura Dugger: I like that. For anybody strapped for time, that's a good solution. [00:32:04] You also are passionate about women embracing the body that God gave them and then maximizing its potential. How can we do this and why is it important?
Megan Dahlman: Well, we always tend to think, well, if I don't have that body, you know, the one in our mind, that goal body, and I know I never will, so then I'll just give up. That's kind of how we'll think. Or I just won't give it a whole lot of effort because I know I'll never look like her.
No. You have the body that you're in right now. And going back to what we said before, the body that you have, that is a gift and it has a very unique design to it that nobody else has. And it's important that you take the body that you have right now and just ask, what can it do better? I think we seem to think like, well, what can it do perfectly?
Really, there's not a whole lot that our bodies can do perfectly. But if we start to ask, "Well, what can I do better?" that's when things can get a little more exciting. Because there's a lot of things that we can easily do a little bit better. [00:33:15]
Then if we ask ourself, "have I really truly reached my absolute physical potential? Is there something else that I can do? Do I even know what this body is capable of yet?" and then let yourself get excited about it. So set a really simple goal for yourself.
It could be as simple as, You know, I've never been able to do a true push-up on the floor. Let me work for that. I want to see if this body can actually do that and then work at it, work hard at it. For myself, over the last couple years, I've been practicing more with yoga and trying to do some inversion moves where I'm working on my handstands and headstands and funky stuff like that where I thought a couple years ago There's no way I could ever do that. But I'm doing it now. That gets so exciting when we tap into something that we didn't realize that we were capable of.
We have to remember that it's not just about you and there's something else happening in our home too. We might have kids watching us and watching how we treat our bodies. [00:34:22] We have people watching how we feed our bodies, how we move, and how we honor God with our bodies. And we are setting an example, whether that's an example of obsession, whether that's an example of being sedentary and lazy or not caring, or whether that's an example of honoring God with the way that we move and feed our bodies. So I think that's really important to realize that it's not all about us.
Then we do have to remember that as believers, everything we do, Colossians 3:23 says, to work at it with all of our heart as though we're working for the Lord, not for others. We think that working out and eating better is all about ourselves. It's self-care. You know, I think that phrase is really popular these days: self-care.
And yes, it is taking care of ourselves that's great. But there's so much more to it than that. This is something that God is asking you to do, to take better care of your body and to really push your limits physically. And if this is something you feel like he's pressing on you that you need to take care of and do, then you do it for Him. You go all in on it. You be faithful with this. Don't do this half-heartedly. You need to work at it with all of your heart, not just for yourself, not just because you might benefit from it, but do it all for the glory of God. [00:35:47]
And once we can set ourselves in that mindset, then kind of the picture opens up and we can see things from a grander perspective.
Laura Dugger: Touching on something you said earlier, I think we often will say to our children or say about them, they're capable of so much more than we give them credit for. And it sounds like you're saying that's true for us as well.
Megan Dahlman: Absolutely.
Laura Dugger: If listeners want to learn more about you and Strong Mommas, where can they find you online?
Megan Dahlman: Well, my website is great. I really encourage people to go check out my website. It's strong-mommas.com. On my site, I have a blog that I've been writing once a week for the last couple of years. So there is a lot on there. Plus I have full workouts, meal plans. A lot of stuff on there.
If they're interested in my whole philosophy on physical fitness and nutrition and it sounds so encouraging, definitely spend a good half hour on my website. It would be really encouraging. [00:36:56]
Then, of course, they can find me on Facebook, and that's just Strong Mommas. Facebook.com/strongmommas. No dash in there. And then on Instagram, it's strong_mommas. The Mommas is always spelled M-O-M-M-A-S. There's like 15 ways to spell mama. So that's what we landed with.
Laura Dugger: Perfect. We'll link to all of that in the show notes. Well, and everyone knows that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" means practical knowledge or discernment. And as my final question for you today, Megan, what is your savvy sauce?
Megan Dahlman: I love this. Something I find myself saying a lot to the women I coach and then even to myself very often is trust the process. We tend to fight whatever process we're right in the middle of, maybe second-guessing ourselves, second-guessing the calling that we have on ourselves or what we're supposed to be doing. And we try to do things differently, maybe insert our own ideas onto things.
But usually if we surrender and trust the process, and do things exactly as we're supposed to do, being obedient, humble, willing to learn and grow through the process, that's usually when remarkable things can happen. So that would be my savvy sauce, trust the process. [00:38:18]
Laura Dugger: Trust the process. I love it. Well, thank you just for sharing your years of knowledge and experience. I know that you've left me motivated and I'm sure that listeners feel the same way. So thanks for joining us today, Megan.
Megan Dahlman: Thank you so much for having me, Laura.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:39:21]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:40:26]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:41:26]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 08, 2019
Monday Apr 08, 2019
47. Relationships and Opportunities that Arise from Using Your Gifts with Founder of Neighbor’s Table, Sarah Harmeyer
**Transcription Below**
Mark 12:30-32 (NIV) “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
Sarah Harmeyer is the founder of Neighbor’s Table, a concept born from her personal passion for gathering people, and her desire to get to know her own neighbors. She has personally witnessed how lives are transformed when people gather around the table and share their stories. Sarah asked her father to build a cedar farmhouse style table big enough to seat 20. They placed it under the oak tree in her backyard in Dallas Texas, dropped chandeliers overhead, and started inviting. Sarah set a goal to serve 500 that year, one dinner party after another. The 500th guest walked up her driveway on Thanksgiving Day. Now five years later, more than 3,000 people have celebrated at the original Neighbor’s Table. The power of community that now regularly happens at the original Neighbor’s Table has spurred a desire to launch a movement – a love mission, if you will. Sarah’s vision is to have tables in backyards across the US, placing them in every state by 2020. Together, Sarah and her father are building more than custom handcrafted tables. They are growing a Neighbor’s Table family nationwide.
Outside of gathering at her own table in Dallas, she loves delivering tables across the country. Sarah loves travel in general, and often journeys to visit friends and to share her story with various groups. When she's not working, Sarah gets weak in the knees for Twizzlers, monogrammed shirts, and her new niece.
Connect with Sarah on social media sites @neighborstable
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:16] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's episode is brought to you by Zimmerman Builders. They are located in Roanoke, Illinois and they serve customers in Woodford, Tazewell, Peoria, and McLean counties. You can find them on the web at ZimmermanBuildersInc.com or on Facebook at Zimmerman Builders INC.
Sarah Harmeyer is a community gatherer and joy bringer. You are going to love this episode as she shares about her journey to become the founder of Neighbors Table. Through stories and practical tips, she's going to leave you feeling inspired to love others by using the gifts God has already given you.
Sarah has hosted over 3,000 people in her backyard in Dallas, Texas, and now she's starting to multiply this vision by building tables for people around the country and delivering them in person. I hope you enjoy our chat.
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Sarah.
Sarah Harmeyer: Aw, thanks, Laura. I'm excited to be here. [00:01:23]
Laura Dugger: Excited to have you with us. Let's just start by having you give us a glimpse of your life.
Sarah Harmeyer: A bird's-eye view kind of of my life right now. I'm single in my early 40s living in Dallas, Texas and I have been here for well since 2010. I guess I would call myself a people gatherer. That's probably my identity a bit. I'm the founder and chief people gather of Neighbors Table, a small business that we kind of cheer people on to love their neighbors, and if they need a table to do so, we would love to build them one.
I have a sister and a little niece and her husband live here in Dallas with me. Then my dad calls home on our ranch just south of Austin, Texas. We are Texans through and through. We're really proud of stuff down here. I don't know what, Laura, but are you guys as proud in Illinois as we are down here in Texas?
Laura Dugger: I don't know. I've never met someone with so much state pride as my friends from Texas, so you might win.
Sarah Harmeyer: It is true. It's an interesting thing. [00:02:31]
Laura Dugger: No, it's a great state. I was first introduced to your story through a different podcast that my friend Kara shared with me. I just love your story of starting Neighbors Table. So can you take us back and just share how did you even come up with this idea?
Sarah Harmeyer: Yeah, I moved to Dallas back in 2010. I was kind of at my young professionals career, like a lot of us probably have experienced, Laura. My identity was really wrapped up in my work. And I just had a really great friend and dear couple, a pastor friend of mine, and they both just saw that my identity was really in my work instead of in Christ.
So we spent about three months together on the phone once a week and kind of re-resting my identity back in Christ. I needed someone to come alongside me during that time and kind of reshift my focus. And from that time with them, Eric and Kristen both helped me realize that God made me a people gatherer. [00:03:32]
I really didn't know what that was when they first told me that, but they were like, "Sarah, you just love relationships. You love people. You love sharing your faith in really real ways. They just really encouraged me to think about how I might be a people gatherer in and outside the church.
At the time, I really didn't know, Laura, what that looks like. I didn't know if that was leading a Bible study. I didn't know if it was a book club. I really didn't know how I would gather people. I spent a few months thinking about it, and I just kept thinking back to the very best moments of my life, and they are often around the table.
This is hilarious, but I had a cafe out of my house in grad school, super illegally, and I served lunch three days a week to people that would want to come and eat at my house. I literally would put a mason jar on the table and just say, Pay whatever you want. That was the very best year of my life.
And I thought to myself, "There's something about that year. There's something about getting to serve people. There's something about being creative and putting a meal in front of them. There was something that excited me about seeing people connect over the table. That's what I landed on. I said, that's how I'm going to gather people. I think the table is a really special part of my heart and how I have experienced God and connected with people over that. [00:04:57]
So I have a tiny house in Dallas and kind of a small yard, just a little grassy part. I ended up asking my dad if he'd build me a table big enough to seat 20. That's how I kind of envisioned things. And we put that table outside. It's a gorgeous Table for 20. We put it under my tree back there and hung chandeliers overhead.
I'm very goal-oriented so I wanted a goal to kind of live intentionally into the way God made me. I set a goal to serve 500 people in 2012 around my table just one dinner party after another. And when I started I only knew two of my neighbors. Throughout that year, I invited people and we would celebrate and gather for all different kinds of reasons. But on Thanksgiving Day that year, the 500th guest walked down the driveway. I still can see my dad clapping his hands. And I still remember the single mom walking down the driveway with her aunt squash casserole and her three girls running around her.
It's embedded in my mind now is like the very best year of my life. But I kept going after that first initial year because God just kind of set my heart on fire for other people and I was the first person that was changed from that experience. So I've continued gathering people at my own table. We've had over 3,000 people now and about a year and a half. [00:06:25]
Eric and Kristen called me back and they said, "Sarah, we see God getting a lot of glory around your table. I wonder if He has something outside your own yard." I had no clue what that meant, but the rest is kind of history. And that's when Neighbor's Table came to be.
Laura Dugger: Wow, what an incredible story. And that couple seems like they really had different key moments where they spoke truth into your life. So I love that you mentioned them. You've said before that you give God the glory simply by using your gifts that He's given you, being a community gatherer. So I'm just wondering, how did you discover that gift?
Sarah Harmeyer: You know, there was no magic formula really. I spent a lot of time in prayer. It took several months. It wasn't something that came to me quickly. It might come to others more quickly than it did for me. But in most things, I kind of take my time.
I think Eric and Kristen were surprised that from our time together, that was the thing that I hung on to was like, how can I really live into the way God made me? [00:07:30] For us, my time with them, a lot of the time spent was really learning how to work from a place of rest. That is hard for me. I like to strive and I like to do my best and all this stuff, but really they had shifted to, what if you just worked from the place of resting in who God's already made you to be? I think that's what it feels like when I gather now is I'm just getting to be who God made me to be.
I would say prayer is probably the thing that I hang on to as far as navigating that. I get asked that question a lot. People are curious, like, oh, I want to find my thing. But I would say prayer is the one thing that helped kind of direct me to that. Because when they sent me off, they weren't even saying, Here, I think it's around the table. That was something that I discovered with the Lord of what I think was going to be the way that I could use that gift. [00:08:25]
Laura Dugger: I love that he's so endlessly creative that it may look different for someone listening.
Sarah Harmeyer: Totally.
Laura Dugger: So you said you've been asked that a lot. How do you think someone listening can give God the glory through living out the way they were designed by Him?
Sarah Harmeyer: I think when you have that feeling when you're doing something that time passes and you realize, I can't believe I've been doing that for this long, or that was really fun, or that was really easy and this came really naturally to me, that is the way it feels like for me. There's a lot of joy when I'm gathering. I know for some people it's really stressful and it's a lot more work than maybe how it feels like to me.
Other people are gifted in like teaching. When I have to teach, that's something that’s little more challenging and might have a lot more preparation for me than someone else that might have a natural gift for that. so I think just leaning into and really listening to how God's made us, I think is my best advice. [00:09:31]
It's a good thing to ask your friends that know you well and just say, Hey, what do you think? How do you think God has given me strengths? Or where do you see that? If you can't, you know, reflect yourself, maybe ask the people around you.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's great. Reflection, prayer, and even conversation or intentional questions.
Sarah Harmeyer: Yes.
Laura Dugger: Well, even looking at a really practical side, you said that you're still hosting people. So who do you choose to invite and how do you reach out to invite them?
Sarah Harmeyer: You know, my motto quickly became the more the merrier. When I started, I didn't even know 500 people in Dallas. So it quickly became everyone that I invited could bring a friend or a co-worker or anybody with them.
I think it's a tendency for us to think about our guests and think about like, Oh, are they going to connect with each other or are they going to have similarities to each other? What I found, Laura, is that when we set the stage for our guests to feel like they're safe and that they could share who God made them to be in a safe environment, really, really good things can happen at the table. [00:10:42]
So it is a beautiful mix of people at my table, whether that's me checking out the grocery line with a whole basket of groceries for the night off, and someone goes, Oh, are you having a party tonight? And I'll go, why, yes, I am. Would you like to come? And I'll ask the guy that's packing my groceries. Some of those guys have come here before or a plumber that's worked in my home has showed up and my neighbors, of course, have come down, or my co-workers or just anybody.
I always listen for the opportunities to invite people. And there has been all kinds of people at my table. That's kind of how I like to gather.
Laura Dugger: And was that a cultivated skill? Because you've said before you're an introvert and sometimes that's not natural for everyone just to verbally invite somebody that they just met that day.
Sarah Harmeyer: I think I'm curious. I'm curious about people and I genuinely want to know people. So being an introvert, I like to have really good conversations with people. [00:11:46] I know extroverts could have a big loud party and it just be the best thing ever.
Well, if I don't walk away with having a really good conversation with at least a couple people that night, it doesn't feel like how I want to experience the table with people. I think we each bring our own personality to the table (no pun intended) but I think I'm curious. I think that's the thing that doesn't hold me back.
God has really given me peace about having all different kinds of people in my home, people that might not share the same faith or race or sexual orientation or all the things that make us different. And that they are literally my neighbors in my neighborhood and people in my community.
I feel like we all have something to learn from each other. And I think through relationship as Christians, we get the opportunities to share what's made a difference in our life and how the Lord has changed our life. [00:12:49] I think a table is a really real way to do that.
Laura Dugger: I think it's so admirable, the way that you do it. I am curious, because you're so good at initiating and inviting and hosting, do you get invited back other places? And do you ever feel left out if people don't include you?
Sarah Harmeyer: You know, Laura, I honestly don't even think about it. I have had that question asked before because I think that's a natural thing that we feel like if we give, there's a take, we get paybacks. If someone invites us, then we should invite them and that sort of thing. I don't know.
I think I gave up keeping score a long time and that would be my advice for others to do. If God's called you to be a people gatherer, that's what he's called you to do. He might bless you in another way with another friend that has a gift and might show up and do something for you. But I don't have those expectations. Is it a blast when I get invited to other people's homes? Absolutely. [00:13:53]
I don't know if it's a Dallas thing, maybe you see this more in the Midwest, but I am seeing less and less people actually have people to their homes. You know, our parents' age and our grandparents' age, they really grew up in a culture where the table was really important and having people in our homes was a real value.
I think we have added so much into our daily lives now that oftentimes... I find it as a rarity to have people in our homes. I don't know if Pinterest has just ruined us or if we just have expectations that our homes have to be perfect before we have people in it. I want to encourage people just to push back towards that.
Honestly, if you think about going over to someone's home, you're not looking at their baseboards. You're not looking to see if they have cobwebs in their chandelier or whatever. You're there to engage with the people right in front of you. And that's the same when people come to your home as well. [00:14:57]
I like to encourage that because I love to gather. I don't feel like I'm missing out if I don't get invited. Like I'm gathering with people so intentionally and so often that it is a real joy. And I don't feel like I've missed out on that just because that's who I am. And I know not everyone else is comfortable with that.
I try to make, when we do gather, a real relaxed environment so maybe others would be encouraged to do that. But that's what I'm seeing. I would say I've done a pretty good job of that up until this year. This year I've been traveling more as my business has grown.
I don't think I've shared, but we now build tables for other people. And that's what my business is called Neighbor's Table. I physically like to deliver the tables myself when we make them. And I travel the country now delivering tables. I get to have meals, the first meal with so many families around their new table. [00:15:55] I'm not so much gathering around my own table as much as I used to, but I'm getting to do that and kind of multiply out and just meeting some amazing families that are gathering around their table.
So oftentimes my friends don't even know when I'm in town, so I have to wave at them when I get back and say, Okay, I'm back in town for a couple of days, let's get together. Sometimes it's just a cup of coffee somewhere. So there's seasons. You might have young moms listening right now and you know that your season looks different. I think I've kind of have a season right now.
Laura Dugger: Your answers are so seasoned with grace, which I appreciate. And now a brief message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: And if you're interested in sponsoring The Savvy Sauce, we would love to hear from you. Make sure you reach out to us. You can email us at info at thesavvysauce.com.
You said you love this multiplying effect. So let's really boil it down to some practical things. If someone listening does want to open their home or their backyard and host, do you have any certain recipes that work best for a group?
Sarah Harmeyer: You know, the best recipe is one that someone else makes. And I am dead serious about that. To me, food is ancillary. It's like the extra layer to something that's already good. I want to encourage people, people is what gathering is about. And when you make your gathering about people, it doesn't matter if you're serving pizza you ordered from down the street. It doesn't matter if you rolled out your best beef tenderloin. It doesn't matter if you pulled off a garden recipe. It really doesn't matter. [00:19:10] I know that's surprising Laura.
There's gonna be listeners that are really exceptional at cooking and actually the way that they honor their guests is to make a really incredible meal. But if you're not wired like that... and I would say I cook so I can gather, but I try not to worry a lot about the food.
There's this magic word, three letters: Yes. So when someone says, Can I bring something, my encouragement is to always say yes. So if you like to create an environment and a menu and you've got something in mind, give them something specific. I'd love for you to bring a dessert that's chocolate or, you know, would you bring black beans for 18? It'll make sense when you get here. Things like that.
As far as best recipe, that is my advice is let other people help you because you'll probably find that you'll gather more often when other people are helping. So that's my recipe tip.
Laura Dugger: That's great. And not an answer I was expecting. So that's really fun.
Sarah Harmeyer: Right. [00:20:14]
Laura Dugger: So if all these people are pitching in, I would also think that would help you maintain a budget. So can you give us a realistic budget for somebody who wants to start entertaining more?
Sarah Harmeyer: Yeah. I heard that a lot early on is, oh, I would have people over if I could just afford to feed 10 or 20 people. Honestly, you know how many people your home can accommodate and what that looks like.
I'll tell you, after that first year of gathering 500, I wanted to prove that anyone could gather on any sort of budget. And that's truly where I want people to land, is like, what is your budget? Do you need to set something?
So that second year that I gathered, I served another 500 people on just $75 a month. Now that first year I was spending probably three or four times that much on every meal. I was just loving the creative side and wanting to cook all these fabulous meals.
But like I just shared like when people ask if they can bring something I truly say yes. And I ask them to bring something. So on that budget of just $75 a month, there would be some nights where I literally would just provide the ice on the table. [00:21:28] It could be something so easy as you provide the protein or the main dish and you have people bring sides or something like that. But it was so cute.
The very last month of that year, I had a little Bible study group of older women send me a grocery gift card for $75. And they said, "finish strong, Sarah. We're cheering you on." So it's a discipline. And I think it's something to think about.
Gathering doesn't always have to be for a full meal. So I've had an adult party here where it was pizza and popsicles one summer night. It was something very simple, and someone else brought something. I had a cheese board night where everyone brought something to put on the cheese board.
I've got an 18-year-old outside Atlanta that's in our neighbor's table family. Her family has a table and she has cereal night with all of her friends and all they do is put boxes of cereal and milk out and they have cereal. So I think food is just kind of the thing that draws us because we all like to eat, but it could be popcorn and cokes one night too. I don't want people to get stuck on "what will I serve?".
Laura Dugger: I love that permission to just think outside the box. Okay, so we've covered some of those practicals of finances and the food. What about different roles that people can play? Do you assign any roles to your guests? [00:22:48]
Sarah Harmeyer: I'm really big about inviting people in to create the experience together. I think a lot of times as hosts, we think we have to do everything. I even admit that before we sit down, I like to go around and introduce people and tell them what I love about them before we even sit down. Everyone sits down confident then.
One of the things I say, I said I want to invite you into this experience. Like we get to create what this evening looks like and what we want it to be. So offer a few suggestions just in general. Like, I'd love for us to be more listening than talking tonight. It kind of makes people think like, Oh, what does she mean by that? Well, really it means that I want to create a space for people to share, but also from a place of respect.
You might think differently or you might be hearing something someone grew up in a different way than you and instead of thinking, Okay, what am I gonna say to combat this?, like what if we just left space for people to talk and you get to listen to them?
One of the things we do is we eat family style. So I love the awkward passing of a tray and tongs as people are navigating things. I think doing things together like that. I say if you see water glasses low, feel free to jump up and fill water glasses. If you see us bring in dessert out of the kitchen, jump up and we'd love for you to help. Or if you want to clear plates and fill the dishwasher, we would love that. [00:24:19]
And I will tell you, Laura, I don't remember the last time I filled my dishwasher. Everyone is in when you give them a little suggestion like that. A lot of times I'll even say, You know, I love celebrating at the table. And so at any point in the night you would like to give a toast, I would love for anyone to jump up and give a toast. There's been some nights where we've had eight or nine different toasts throughout the meal and it was so fun.
I think inviting people in and just kind of tossing it out like that. Here's something, would anyone like to say the blessing tonight? Or would anyone like to clear plates or whatever? Right now we're out of them but on our website, neighborstable.com, we've got these table tokens, and it's actually a set of ten tokens that have little jobs like that that I just share ideas that you can give. And you can give them away as people come or you can hide them under their plate and it's just a little wooden coin that gives people a suggestion of how they might be able to participate in the evening. But I think it's fun to invite people and be a part of everything. [00:25:23]
Laura Dugger: I think that's so fun. And the table tokens would be good for any age. Anybody can participate.
Sarah Harmeyer: Oh, man. Moms love it. They're like, my kids have never wanted to do something at the table. They'll try to trade their tokens before the meal because they didn't want to help with dishes or whatever. So I think it's been helpful in lots of different ways.
Laura Dugger: Oh, definitely. Well, do you have any other practical tips like that to share?
Sarah Harmeyer: Yeah, I think the biggest one is really thinking about who is around the table than what's on the table. I think that is not a natural thing for us women. Men might be better at this. I don't know. We're still kind of learning that as women, I feel like.
I say make parties about people. That's my biggest suggestion. I love doing place cards. That's something simple that I can just cut index cards and fold them over and take a sharpie and write their name. I love being prayerful about where people sit. [00:26:24]
I might have a bunch of random people coming, but I also want to ask the Lord, who would you want to sit by who and who might you place in each other's lives this night that might need a connection or they might need someone that sits by them that's good with conversation if they're a little more shy or something like that.
So place cards. I think it's something simple. And it also kind of takes away that, oh gosh, I'm new here. Where am I going to sit that junior high walk into a cafeteria tray feeling, you know? That's what I say. I said, I've been preparing a place for you. I kind of speak words that Jesus might for us. Like, I've been preparing a place today, I've been thinking about you all day and I'm so excited each of you are here and you'll find your name at the table. So it's something that simple and it kind of takes the pressure off of who am I going to connect with and who am I going to sit with.
By introducing people ahead of time it also gives them a little something to get started on as far as conversation goes.
Laura Dugger: I love all of that. Like you said, such simple ways, but it can be so powerful to the guest. [00:27:32]
Sarah Harmeyer: Yeah.
Laura Dugger: So through all of your conversations with people around Neighbor's Table then, do you hear any type of common thread for excuses why some people say that they can't toast?
Sarah Harmeyer: You know, I think the things I hear are, my house isn't big enough, my house isn't clean, I'm not good at cooking, I'm kind of shy, I don't know if I can have people in my home. I hear a lot. Like maybe their partner is maybe an introvert and they're an extrovert and they're not sure if they'll want to have guests over or things like that.
I think all of those things are valid concerns and I think probably all of those have crossed all of our minds at some point. But I will tell you, after my experience of gathering, I struggled with some of those things early on. I remember having a gathering over Mother's Day, and I'd invited some of my friends and their moms to my table. I was nervous to host some of these moms. They are kind of socialites in Dallas and are used to fine china and pretty homes. [00:28:41]
I started worrying like, Oh my gosh, we're sitting at my rustic backyard table and there's the chain link fence behind them and we drink out of mason jars. I started having all these concerns that a lot of us have and a good friend of mine looked at me and she said, "Sarah, what if you create an experience so different from what they have ever experienced in these other parties or these other homes." And she goes, "I dare you to serve pizza that night."
And Laura, I thought she was crazy. I was like, "I cannot serve pizza to socialites." She goes, "I dare you." You know what? I served pizza that night. And the way that I set it up, I said, remember when we were little girls, and we would sit around the pizza box, and we would tell stories, and we would laugh. I want us to be little girls again. So I set the scene. Every single one of those women ate pizza that night.
At one point, one lady was like, I feel like I'm in Napa Valley. And I was like, maybe Napa Alley because my alleyway is right there. It was hilarious. These women had the best time. [00:29:46] And it wasn't something I've gotten hung up on that my house isn't nice enough or I'm not going to be able to even make a nice enough meal or serve, you know, the best something. I just kind of gave that up. I think I just needed that urge from a friend that says, don't worry about it. That's really not what matters. So it was a good lesson early on.
Laura Dugger: That's great. And maybe this conversation right now that somebody is hearing is that encouragement just to press on and know that the Lord is going to use this really to bless those people who are coming and hopefully to bless you as the host, too.
Sarah Harmeyer: Yes. I'm the first person that's been really changed by everyone that's walked down my driveway and has sat at my table. I feel like I'm living a different story because of all the little stories that have been added to this table. So it's good. I think we all have a lot to learn from each other. So I would cheer people on. Don't be afraid. Gather people. All the things don't matter as much as we think they do.
Laura Dugger: Oh, so true. Did you know that we save some of our best content for our patrons? You can access these secret podcasts by visiting thesavvysauce.com and clicking on our "Patreon" tab. [00:31:02] For example, you can hear my exclusive interview with Alex Butchko, a Disney cast member who shares some business principles and life applications behind the magic and success of Disney. You can also hear bonus content from internationally known speaker Debbie Titus, along with many other experts.
This is all available to you for a minimum of $5 per month. In addition to all these monthly bonus episodes, you will also have access to all of our free downloadable scripture cards, beautifully crafted by Angela at Jars of Grace. We hope you consider joining the club today.
Are there any mishaps or dinner parties that have fallen flat that you've experienced before or learned from?
Sarah Harmeyer: You know, I feel like I'm always learning. I always joke with myself that if any time there's like a royal screw-up in the kitchen, there's always McDonald's and cheeseburgers down the street. I've yet to have to go run and get cheeseburgers. But it makes me feel comfortable knowing there's always a backup plan if I royally screw up. [00:32:07]
We had a weather issue one Easter that is still in my nightmare of memories. We had 38 people here that day and a lot of them I didn't know. It looked cloudy, Laura, but I was like, Surely it's not going to rain on Easter. And it wasn't like I could just cancel it because it was Easter. I wanted to serve Easter brunch at my table. And literally, as we got our plates full of food, the clouds unleashed and people just ran. And I have a tiny house. There was no way 38 people were fitting in my home. So some people ran inside, some ran under the carport. It was just like this mad dash with our plates of food.
We ended up having Easter brunch under the carport that day and we pulled tables over and it was quite a memory. I still remember some of the people that were there and the corn casserole that I sent home with one gentleman that just absolutely loved it.
Sometimes the mishaps can become some of the best memories and oftentimes they're really out of our control. So that's my encouragement. [00:33:13] If there is some unruly thing that happens, it's easy to be flexible. It might not be easy to be flexible but I would say that's a good thing to choose when not everything is under your control.
Laura Dugger: I love that flexibility. Something else that strikes me, Sarah, is during that experience on Easter, people didn't run home. They still wanted to be together, so they don't even care if it's under a carport where they're gathering. I love that story. Do you have any other favorite stories or friendships that were birthed out of this whole movement for Neighbor's Table?
Sarah Harmeyer: Oh man, I have a file cabinet full of stories. I feel like every night someone just wedges their way into my heart and each other's lives. And I think that's the coolest thing about connection and around the table. Like at the heart of all of us is connection.
I had one Christmas, a neighbor reached out and Lee said in his email, like, "Sarah, my son and I's plans fell through for Christmas, and I know sometimes your table is the place where someone that doesn't have a place can come. I wonder if you're having an orphan Christmas this year." And I was like, "Oh my gosh, well yeah, now that you put it that way, we're for sure having an orphan Christmas, so come on, come join us." [00:34:35]
But the cool thing was, I never told Lee that my table is a place for people that don't have a place. I love that somehow he gathered that about my table. He offered to bring the smoked turkey that year, and he and his son came over. A couple of weeks prior, I said, "Would it be okay if we opened our table on Christmas to other neighbors that might need a place on Christmas?" And he agreed, that would be great. I had nine gentlemen from my neighborhood come that day for lunch, and I had not met any of them except Lee and his son.
And you know, people that are showing up to a stranger's home on Christmas, they needed a place. I still remember sitting down around this table, and I've got these five-foot-tall letters that spell love. L-O-V-E along my fence is like a ginormous reminder of what I wanted to do with my neighbors. And this guy, Russ, in the middle of a meal we're talking about nothing and he pointed over at those letters and I saw kind of these tears welling up in his eyes. and I looked at him across the table and he goes, "That's what it feels like here. It feels like love." [00:35:44]
I think when we love Jesus and we become the light because He is the light in us, people are drawn to that. And if anything, people kind of go, what is different about this place? I know Sarah prayed before the meal, I know some of the conversations were a little different than I normally experience. I love that that is the first thing that kind of sparks people's interest.
I have seen families from the west coast all the way over to the east coast literally love the people right next to them because they have a table and they know intentionally that is what they're doing.
There's this great guy in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Dane, and he was turning 30. And for his 30th birthday, he wanted a neighbor's table for his backyard. And Dane's been intentional for a long time about walking his neighborhood and asking people their names and saying, "Hey, I love to pray. Is there anything I can pray for you about?" And literally praying for his neighbors.
And he said he wanted to have a table where he could bring people together and he and his wife could just love their neighbors. I got to share a meal like so many of the deliveries I get to do. [00:36:58] One of the first things that Dana and Anna wanted to do was share the Lord's Supper at that table. He invited the guests that were around his table that were good friends of his, and he invited them to offer the body and the blood to each other.
And it was so cool, just to like every day, kind of casual way that we do that. And it was stuff like, "Hey, Jesus loves you and He died for you and He shed his blood for you. And this is for you, man. It was beautiful to see the way people use their own language to offer that to the person next to them.
There's families that are just everyday families that are doing incredible things just because they're loving people, like inviting their sixth-grade class, their new boys that are to their classroom over for dinner and letting all the boys connect before the school year starts, or gathering people, the really creative people that I just love seeing that are just incredible.
The themes that they come up with are crazy. And I'm just like, wow, God has made you so creative. [00:38:05] I saw an island one night where they had grass skirt people dancing and they had made this cabana over their table. And I was like, wow, that is incredible. But it's everyday people that are just crazy about others and want to actually love people.
So there's been some beautiful guests at my table that have blessed me and our conversations and I've learned so much from them. There's been tender moments. I served sandwiches between a funeral and a burial for a 29-year-old one afternoon and just had a place for her friends to gather before they went to bury her. It was simple things like that.
Sometimes you just reach out in a moment of empathy and say, "Hey, I'd love to gather people." We've celebrated weddings here. I've hosted a wedding rehearsal dinner for two people. One gentleman was from Ireland and he had been to my table before and he said, we would love to have a rehearsal dinner at your backyard. And I was like, oh my goodness. Laura, you should have heard these amazing Irish accents and giving toasts and just laughter and fun. [00:39:18]
There's been so many moments of celebration too around the table. But it truly is the everyday moments of just saying, let's gather, let's connect. Let's slow down a bit. A lot of times I'll just say, you know, leave whatever you've experienced this day at the end of the driveway. And maybe what we can create together in the next couple of hours will be different and rich to end your day with.
So I could go on and on and on with stories. There are some beautiful people serving people. There's people growing food in a garden for their neighborhood and taking food to the elderly people and their tables in their neighborhood park and that's where they gather with people. There's story after story of families that want to be intentional about watching their grandkids grow up around the table. And so they have a big family and that's what they wanted their table for is to love and invest in their own family.
I always encourage people to start with the people closest to you, whether that's your family or the people right next door to you, and go from there. [00:40:27] It's an adventure when you say yes to this.
Laura Dugger: It sounds like an adventure. These stories are amazing. And I'm just blown away by all of the opportunities and the relationships that you've been introduced to just through hosting. It's incredible.
Sarah Harmeyer: Yeah.
Laura Dugger: I also love that you said you try and personally deliver these tables and then share a meal. So, if you've piqued someone's interest and they want to find out how they can purchase their own table, can you share where they could find you online?
Sarah Harmeyer: Yeah. I'm on social media at Neighbor's Table. We have a website, neighborstable.com. Even on our website, we've got a little thing you can click on that says "Get Started". And it kind of tells our story, which a lot of it I've shared here today. But there's actually a page called "Tables" and you can look at the measurements. We kind of have a standard size of a table for 10 but if you've got a smaller space or want us to custom that, we do that for free as well. [00:41:30] So if you've got a smaller patio and you need a little one more narrow or a little shorter, we'd love to do that.
There's an inquiry form on our website. We don't have a click-to-purchase kind of thing, because it's really all about people. So we want to hear from you if you're interested, and we'll be sure to give you all the details and then arrange a time for delivery. We always ask for a picture of the family, which is something so personal, and it's an optional thing. But we love seeing who we're building for. We say it's made with love. Hopefully, it's delivered with love. I just feel like I'm meeting the very, very best people in the country as I travel.
So I feel like they're made like me, which is amazing thing to just look at people and actually learn from others. And I'm so blown away by some people. I am always in the learning posture of taking notes from the people I meet.
So my dream is to have our tables in every state by 2020, Laura. We're in 30 states so far, which is crazy. I would have never guessed anyone outside my own neighborhood would know about Neighbor's Table. So we are eager to spread the love literally around the country.
Laura Dugger: Well, we will do our part to share this good news and we'll link to all those in the show notes. I would love to hear what is your vision from here?
Sarah Harmeyer: I just want to see more people loving people around them. And I think when we do that, we really honor God and we love God in the meantime. Because God as the creator has created every single human being, even the crazy neighbor down the street that might be a lot different than us.
There's something that we take a different posture when we open our home or we open our table to others. There's a vulnerability to love. There's a vulnerability inviting people in. But what I have learned is there is blessings tenfold when we do that. So this sounds so idealist, but I just want to see more love in the world.
I had an executive ask me that a couple months ago. He's like, Sarah, what is really the goal at Neighbor's Table? And I was like, I don't know. I just want to see people love each other. I want to see more connection. I don't know if you can tell, we could use a lot more of that in our world today. If I can be a small cheerleader with little pom-poms to cheer people on to do that, and if they need a table and need a place to kind of call their home base, Dad and I would just love and be so tickled to provide a table for them. [00:44:08]
Laura Dugger: I think that's a very worthwhile vision. I love to ask just one same question every episode. Our podcast is called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" means practical knowledge or insight. We just want to know your most beneficial practical habits. So as my final question for you today, Sarah, what is your savvy sauce?
Sarah Harmeyer: Savvy sauce. I love that. It's a great name. I think this is something really practical and I cannot get it out of my head. Years ago, I heard the motto at Ritz Carlton, so just top-of-the-line hotel and the way that they serve people. Their motto is, we are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen. And I have not forgotten that. Because I think when we think about ourselves as being the kind of person that loves God would honor the people that are around us. I love that quote. So we are ladies and gentlemen serving ladies and gentlemen. [00:45:07]
And maybe something savvy as far as just a fun little quip is, always accept a mint when it's offered to you. I think that's a good word of advice, and we'll keep us savvy on our toes. When someone offers, we should always take one.
Laura Dugger: I love it. Those are wonderful savvy tips. Sarah, you're just so fun to spend time with. So thank you for using your God-given gifts to love others and ultimately to serve God. I really appreciate the inspiration that you've provided for all of us today. So thanks for being my guest.
Sarah Harmeyer: Oh, well, thanks for having me. Thanks for using your gifts and bringing conversations to people and getting us all to think about things maybe that aren't always coming to our mind, but something that we could all use a little guidance for. So I am still on the pathway of learning myself, so we can all learn together. And thanks, Laura, for having me.
Laura Dugger: Oh, it's been my pleasure. [00:46:06]
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. [00:47:11]
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started? [00:48:13]
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. [00:49:16] You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 01, 2019
Monday Apr 01, 2019
46. Encouragement and Inspiration for your Motherhood Journey with Anjuli Paschall
**Transcription Below**
“It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace.” Hebrews 13:9 (middle) NIV
Anjuli Passchall is a Jesus-follower, Pastor’s wife, and mother to 5. She has used her platform on Instagram for good: she launched The Moms We Love Club in 2018 where the mission is to use social medial to love moms who are struggling through sharing, praying, and raising funds. You can find out more at themomsweloveclub.com.
Connect with Anjuli on Instagram: @themomsweloveclub and @anjulipaschall
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Peoria Christian Schools
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: I want to say thank you to our sponsor, Peoria Christian School. They are raising a generation of 21st-century Christian leaders right here in central Illinois. Visit their website at peoriachristian.org. Thanks for your sponsorship.
Anjuli Paschall is our guest today, and her heart for others is obvious. She had thousands of followers on Instagram, so she used that platform for good. Today you're going to find out more about the Moms We Love Club that she launched on social media, which has gained national attention and has impacted so many lives.
You can also expect to hear her encouragement of what life looks like when we apply biblical principles, such as confessing our sins one to another. Here's our chat.
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Anjuli.
Anjuli Paschall: Hi, it's great to be here, Laura.
Laura Dugger: Well, you are known all over Instagram, but for any of our listeners who don't yet know you, can you just give us a glimpse of your current life? [00:01:25]
Anjuli Paschall: Yes, I can try. It's a little bit of a whirlwind, but I am located and living and enjoying life in Southern California in San Diego, with my husband, who's a local pastor here at a church, and my five kids. I have my oldest, who is 11, and then a 9-year-old, almost 7-year-old, a 4-year-old, and a 1-year-old. And we are kind of in the middle of a renovation, tearing down walls, building new walls, extending part of our house. But in the chaos and the crazy, we are trying our hardest and best to stay awake to the love of God. I think it's kind of my heart and my goal and my desire is, even in the crazy, that we don't lose ourselves.
Laura Dugger: Well, you seem to just have an incredible gift of encouraging women, especially through your raw and refreshingly vulnerable Instagram posts. It seems that you love being a mom, yet it maybe looked a little bit different from what you expected. So will you just share more about your motherhood journey and what lessons God's been teaching you? [00:02:40]
Anjuli Paschall: Wow. You know, I think as little girls, we imagine life and we dream life up in our heads, you know, what it's going to look like. And I think ever since I was young, I always wanted to be a mom. Then I think actually having kids really rocked my world in a good and beautiful and hard, hard way.
I think the hardest part about motherhood for me has been trying to live honestly in a world where I think there's a lot of pressure to have it all together or to absolutely love every moment of motherhood. The truth is when I had my first child, I did not love every single minute of motherhood. Not only did I just feel like a wreck, but then on top of feeling like a wreck, I felt like a guilty wreck because wait, What's wrong with me? I'm supposed to be taking pictures of every moment and just creating a lovely baby book and soaking up moments outside on a blanket. And I wasn't. [00:03:51]
I was just really lonely and really hurting and really struggling and I didn't know why. I thought something was really wrong with me until I actually started talking about it and I realized, wow, a lot of people actually feel the same way I do. So it really has been a journey. It has been a journey, journey, journey. Can I say that in capital bold black letters? Because who I am, and who I am as a mother, and who I am as a wife... I think it really was an identity crisis that, even 11 years later, I'm still unfolding.
Laura Dugger: Do you feel like there was any specific encouragement given to you along the way that made things seem a little bit easier or better?
Anjuli Paschall: You know what? I heard this amazing quote, and actually, I've been thinking about it a lot recently, and I wish I could credit somebody out there for this quote, but the one quote that has kind of sustained me a lot is, it's not hard because you're failing, it's hard because it's hard. I think that has just been a little bit of a lifeboat for me because every time, you know, I'm like juggling two kids in a public bathroom and wanting to hide in my pantry and lock the door and on the side of the road crying because I don't know how to drive with a baby who's crying and or kids who are fighting the backseat, it's kind of like, Wait, I'm not failing. What I'm doing, it's just really hard.
And it's okay that life is hard. It's not a reflection of my ability or my skill or my worth. It's just this is what God has given me to carry. And it comes with really hard days and really hard moments. [00:05:51]
Laura Dugger: I love that you're just normalizing the tricky part for all of the parents out there. That sibling fights and crying and feelings of guilt, that that is all part of it.
Anjuli Paschall: I think the fantasy of motherhood and the reality of motherhood, that's the shock right there. And don't get me wrong, there are magical moments, certainly, when there's butterflies, and the kids are just playing lovely, and you're eating popsicles, and it's just perfect, you know what I mean? There's lemonade, just all those things are beautiful. But I think there's also the reality that these kids are human and they have brokenness just like I do and it is my honor and pleasure and burden that I get to unwrap their hearts and help them process their humanness and their brokenness.
So the fracture between fantasy and reality, that is a tricky thing and takes a long time to adjust to. And just because every moment of motherhood isn't like a musical and isn't like a fantasy, it doesn't mean that you're a bad mom. And it doesn't mean you have to love every moment of your life. I think that's part of the unraveling process is, oh yeah, raising little humans with messy hearts like mine, that's a tricky balancing act every second of the day. [00:07:24]
Laura Dugger: Yes, definitely. Do you have a few favorite, maybe practical ways that you encourage other moms?
Anjuli Paschall: Yeah. I think back to when I was having my first and second children. And I think what I just appreciated so much from other moms who are maybe a little bit ahead of me is a simple word of encouragement. Like, you're doing okay. It's going to be all right. It's okay to cry. It's okay to talk about how you really feel.
I think part of that is really finding safe people. Some of the best encouragement I got when I was a young mom was really to find a safe person. Find people who you can trust and who are trustworthy. People who will let you cry, people who will watch your children last minute, people who will let you dump your emotions and feelings on. [00:08:33]
I think that is a really beautiful thing to have a friend you can lean on who's really going through what you're going through. And with that, I think there's some amazing resources out there right now. One is local mops groups or moms groups, or most churches have a mom connection group that you can get plugged into. I know it's scary and risky and hard to get out of the house but to find support systems that can [inaudible 00:09:01] you up and carry you through are huge.
I think there's other ways if you just can't get out of the house. I think a lot of us lean and look towards social media right now. There's ways you can use social media for good and ways that it can totally wreck you. I would just encourage moms to find people you connect with and trust on social media and women who speak truth and honesty and hope into the middle of your story who don't make you feel bad about not having a perfect kitchen or a pantry that's a wreck or socks that are mismatched. [00:09:41]
But again, I think it's really important to find safe people no matter what it costs. So make that a priority. That's how I would encourage moms.
Laura Dugger: You are one of those safe people and you have used your platform on Instagram for so much good. On your personal page, I'm just going to read one of your recent quotes. It says, "I promise you'll read again. I promise you'll share and pluck your eyebrows and cook a delicious meal again. But if today isn't that day, believe what you offer God and others is enough. You are a treasure. Those who love you understand. They are cheering you on and are forever standing beside you. No guilt, shame, or try harder. You being you, messy and all is an absolute honor to behold." I just want to say thank you for being that safe person.
Anjuli Paschall: Thanks.
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsor.
Sponsor: This sponsor is particularly special to our editor, Natalie, because this is the school where her husband teaches and her children attend. Peoria Christian School, grades pre-K through 12, offers a Christ-centered, award-winning education for students. They believe eternity matters and so they want to share the importance of knowing the Lord personally. [00:11:07]
PCS supports the Christian home and church by teaching from a biblical worldview. Their caring faculty and staff infuses God's truths through every area of the day, not just in daily Bible classes or in weekly chapels. Peoria Christian students engage in active learning through STEAM, bring your own device in high school, and so much more.
The Peoria Christian Elementary School was named a 2017 National Blue Ribbon School of Excellence, and the high school was named a 2018 National Blue Ribbon Exemplary High Performing School. PCS students grow in every aspect through their safe environment as teachers share their faith throughout the day. It is another place where your student hears and sees how to live with a Christ-like attitude and develop biblically-based character.
The students are academically challenged and spiritually equipped for the next phase of life as lifelong learners. Peoria Christian School is raising a generation of 21st-century Christian leaders. Visit their website at peoriachristian.org and schedule a campus tour today. Thanks for your sponsorship. [00:12:12]
Laura Dugger: And on a little bit lighter note, as a mom of five, do you have any particular mom hacks that you would recommend?
Anjuli Paschall: Oh my goodness. Yes, I hack everything. Everything is a hack. I think that is the only way I could survive. One of my biggest ones, I never thought I would do this before I had kids, but I am a big fan of drive-thru. I wish I could cook every single meal and make it beautiful, but I'm not and I won't and I can't. So I love drive-thru. It is a way that all my kids are buckled in and actually will eat a meal. And I think that has saved my life more often than not.
I joke about this but like I don't match socks. I don't fold clothes that go in the drawer. It's just in there and when you're ready to wear it you take it out and it might be wrinkles, but that's life.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. And I've even seen you post this before when you're at home, one of your ideas that we've tried to implement is just a simple meat and cheese tray for lunch where you put some fruit on and kids all grab what they want.
Anjuli Paschall: Oh, I just did it. It's brilliant. If you always have little scraps of something in your pantry or in your fridge or in your freezer that there's like five bites left and you don't know what to do with it, so throw it on a board and all of a sudden it's lunch. It's amazing. [00:13:46]
Laura Dugger: And for some reason that presentation is more appealing to kids as well, so I thought that was a great hack.
Anjuli Paschall: Right? It feels so communal. I love it.
Laura Dugger: You've also launched an Instagram movement called the Moms We Love Club, and it's so amazing. I would just love to hear more of the backstory.
Anjuli Paschall: Yeah, I could cry just talking about it. It's one of those nudges, if you've ever had, you know, God just put something on your heart and you try and shake it off and you can't, you know? I totally believe in God's nudges. That He's always putting on our hearts people to pray for, to text, to buy dinner for, to love on. The Moms We Love Club is something I could not sleep about because it was so impressed on my heart that I needed to do this.
I think you have to be cold-hearted to not have empathy for moms going through long-term suffering. There is a mom, if I'm looking out my window right now, we kind of live up on a hill and I can look down over our city and there's a mom right now that lives down there whose name is Lindsey. [00:14:58]
I've never met Lindsey, but we have a lot of mutual friends and she suffers from chronic migrainosis, which if you've ever had even a headache, it's debilitating, but let alone a migraine, you can't get out of bed. So Lindsey has suffered from chronic migrainosis for six years.
So for six years, she's had a migraine and so it's incurable. You can't fix it. And just to think right now this is her life is a dark, dark room. And she has a son and she can't leave, she can't get up. Her husband carries her to the bathroom, to the shower, to feed, to help her eat. And I just couldn't sleep because it's kind of a living hell. When she posts, when she can, it's about Jesus and about grace and about love.
So I just got thinking, like, how can we love her who's in a very dark place? I think any mom going through long-term suffering, there's this idea that in the beginning, everyone rallies, everyone supports you, everyone shows up. [00:16:04] But after time, when the illness continues, when the pain doesn't go away, when the grief is still debilitating, people slowly start to trickle away.
And I think anyone who's been through suffering would agree that this happens. And so my thought was, what if we can remind moms who are going through such pain that they're not forgotten, that they're loved, and they're remembered, and that we're caring them.
So part of this was starting an Instagram feed called the Moms We Love Club, where on the same day of every month, everyone posts the same picture. So imagine scrolling through your feed, and you see the same picture of the same mom over and over and over again. That just piques your interest and you move towards it and you move towards her and you follow her story and you fall in love with her, really, her compassion and her grace and her beauty and her perseverance. So thus was birthed the Moms We Love Club. [00:17:07]
We started in February of 2018 and since then we've been able to support and love one mom a month. And we've been able to raise over $150,000 by simply posting a picture on social media. And it, one, brings awareness to the condition that they're suffering with, their husband's suffering with, or their children have. It brings prayer to them and it brings financial support. And hopefully, my greatest, greatest hope is that mom would know that she's loved and not forgotten.
Laura Dugger: Wow. That is incredible to hear that the Lord put this vision on your heart, and you were obedient to it, and that it's already changing people's lives.
Some of you have reached out to find specific books or resources that we have mentioned in one of our episodes. That's why I'm so excited to let you know about our new "Resources" tab. When you visit thesavvysauce.com, you can now click on our new tab called "Resources". There you will find all the resources we've ever mentioned on all the episodes of The Savvy Sauce.
When you purchase a resource from that list, you actually support our work at The Savvy Sauce. We also spend a lot of time preparing show notes for every individual episode, so you can still access the websites, scripture, and recommended resources when you click on any individual episode. [00:18:26] We hope you take advantage of these features so you can apply all that you've learned.
Are there any other surprising stories or things that have occurred as the result of launching the Moms We Love Club?
Anjuli Paschall: I have so many stories. Each mom changes me. Each mom impacts my life. What they go through in a single day blows my mind. Some of these moms have two kids with extremely rare disabilities or fatal diseases or an incurable cancer. So to even get in the car to go to Target takes an extreme amount of work. For me to go to Target, it takes like five minutes and I still complain sometimes.
I think one story is mom Stacy, her son Nathan was diagnosed with Batten disease. He will die from Batten disease. It's a slow degenerative disease. And she was in a really dark place when we did this campaign for her. [00:19:32] She emailed me, when the campaign was done, just saying how close she was to giving up on her faith in God, how close she was to just giving herself to depression and the darkness that comes with raising a son who's going to die.
And since we've been able to do this campaign for her, not only was social media rallying around her, but then her community, again, who had kind of forgotten about her, rebirthed and rallied around her and supported her. Actually, a local contractor reached out to her and offered to renovate a room in their house for free. Because Nathan was having so many seizures, they needed a really specifically designed room that could hold the pain and symptoms and seizures that he was having.
So I think it was just God used it like an arrow to her heart as a way to remind her that she's loved and not forgotten. That story's really close to my heart. [00:20:38]
Laura Dugger: And that one's so powerful because you see so many different ways that the body of Christ was used and mobilized to each do their part.
Anjuli Paschall: Absolutely, yeah.
Laura Dugger: Another one that I think of is Lori, who I believe was one of the first moms that you featured. Can you share her story with us?
Anjuli Paschall: Wow. Lori, Mom to five boys. When her youngest son was born, her oldest son was seven. So five boys under the age of seven. The youngest boys, they're less than a year apart. This mom is absolutely incredible. Her husband was in a biking accident, it was a hit and run, and he's completely paralyzed from the neck down and a lot of brain damage. Her oldest son was seven and her youngest son was, I think, eight weeks old.
When I wanted to do the campaign for Lori, part of the campaign is really getting a picture that when people see it on social media, they stop scrolling. [00:21:50] And when Lori sent me the pictures that were taken of her five boys and her husband, I just wept. Because you cannot see these pictures and these images of this mom and what she goes through without just sobbing. Because this incredible superwoman, Lori, cares for her five boys and her husband, who is disabled, mentally disabled, and physically disabled, and yet she strives and she perseveres and she believes and she does not give up on her husband's healing for a second.
This image went viral. It was on the news. It was on People Magazine. I mean, it was insane how many times people posted and how much people donated, and how many hearts cracked wide open for Lori and her boys. And so to see social media and to see even political and public figures post her picture was a beautiful thing.
When I got to meet her, we both just cried because it was such a powerful experience, inspiring, really, for so many people who have difficult lives or regular lives to keep going and not give up. Not only that, but find gratitude and grace in the midst of a really difficult situation.
Laura Dugger: That story is so powerful, just like all of them that you share. I've been curious, how do you meet each of these moms that you feature?
Anjuli Paschall: So a lot of times what happens is really God just brings them on at the right time. We have a process online where you can submit and share about a mom you might know who is going through long-term suffering. Like two or three other moms that we just pray through each application. [00:23:58]
The Moms We Love Club never has to stop and so the months are endless. So we kind of look at each mom and the ones that seem like they need the most care and most reminder of love, we try and support them. So we have moms set up for the next several months.
Laura Dugger: Well, and if anybody's listening and they want to get involved or they want to connect with you, what's the best way they could reach out or follow you?
Anjuli Paschall: Oh, that'd be great. Well, one, follow the Moms We Love Club. Then we have a blog, themomsweloveclub.com, and on there you can find an application, I think it's like six questions, where you can share your mom's story.
Laura Dugger: That's perfect because we're going to link to all of this in the show notes in case anybody wants to connect with you further. I have one final question that I like to ask every guest. We are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy means practical. So we would all love to hear, what is your savvy sauce?
Anjuli Paschall: Savvy sauce. I love that. So I might have three, if that's okay. Maybe four. But for sure, every morning I have a cup of tea and every morning I light a candle. For me, one, I just love the flicker of lights. I think when I light that candle, that is setting my heart. That is peace, that is a reminder to breathe, a reminder to pray. [00:25:35]
It just kind of starts my day lighting that candle. It usually is lit most of the day when I'm home. And every time I just walk by it, I just remind myself to breathe, take a deep breath. Then I reheat my tea like a million times, but I always have a cup of hot tea.
Then a real practical thing that has really helped me and is really hard, but is really good, is confession. And I mean that in confession and prayer. I mean that as confession to my husband and confession to people around me. I don't mean that just like, here are all my terrible, horrible sins or things that I'm doing wrong. I think confession is like, this is my heart and this is where I'm at. And it's a very vulnerable and hard thing to do to open up and to share the truth in my heart, but it is the best, most healing thing I can do every day. [00:26:38]
Sometimes I do that on social media, you know. Like this is where I'm at. This is what's going on. But I think more than anything I desire an honest and real and true relationship with God and other people and I think the real way that happens is through vulnerability. That is part of my savvy sauce, even though it kind of makes my heart quiver and shake. That's what I lean into when I want to grow, when I want to really connect with people is through vulnerability.
Laura Dugger: And you do that so well. It's just peaceful to get to spend time with you.
Anjuli Paschall: Thank you.
Laura Dugger: Yes, I mean that. It was such a joy to get a few moments with you. So thanks for being a guest with us today.
Anjuli Paschall: Such a joy. Thank you.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. [00:27:38] Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. [00:28:40] Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. [00:29:48]
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.