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Monday Sep 09, 2019
Monday Sep 09, 2019
71. Deep Dive into the Enneagram with Your Enneagram Coach, Beth McCord
**Transcription Below**
Psalm 139:13+14 (NIV) “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb, I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."
Beth McCord is the founder of Your Enneagram Coach. She has been an Enneagram speaker, coach and teacher for over 15 years. Beth is passionate about coming alongside individuals and helping them re-write their story, allowing them to see that lasting change, meaningful relationships, and a life of deep purpose is possible. This passion is what drove her to create this community, a safe place for individuals to explore the Enneagram. Beth is now leading the industry in simplifying the deep truths of the Enneagram from a Biblical perspective. Beth's passion is to make the Enneagram accessible for everyone, anywhere, so they can experience the transformation they long for. This includes one-on-one coaching, in-person events and workshops and online courses. She also offers training and support for those interested in becoming an Enneagram coach. At home, Beth's favorite hobbies are studying and producing helpful Enneagram resources, fly fishing, and driving through the beautiful hillsides of Tennessee with her family. Beth lives outside of Nashville and has been married to her best friend, Jeff, for 22 years (Type 6, Loyal Guardian). They have two teenage children (a Type 6, Loyal Guardian and a Type 2, Supportive Advisor). Combining the gospel and the Enneagram has been instrumental in Beth and Jeff's marriage and parenting.
Connect with Beth on Instagram @yourenneagramcoach
Beth is offering The Savvy Sauce listeners $10 off either Discovering You or Exploring You when you use the code: 10OFF. The Discovering You course is also INSIDE Exploring You so we encourage that option!
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Peoria Christian School
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: I want to say thank you to our sponsor, Peoria Christian School. They are raising a generation of 21st-century Christian leaders right here in central Illinois. Visit their website at peoriachristian.org. Thanks for your sponsorship.
I am just thrilled to welcome back a returning guest, Beth McCord. Beth is an Enneagram coach and she's returning today to take a deeper dive into a few more nuances of the Enneagram. I hope this episode helps you understand yourself and others in your life a little bit better.
Here's our chat.
Welcome back to the Savvy Sauce, Beth.
Beth McCord: Yeah, thanks for having me.
Laura Dugger: Well, if anybody missed our previous episode, will you share a bit about yourself and your work?
Beth McCord: Yes. My name is Beth McCord. I live in Nashville, Tennessee. Been married for 24 years to my husband, Jeff. We have 2 kids, a 20-year-old son and an 18-year-old daughter. I have been studying the Enneagram for about 17, 18 years now. [00:01:28]
But as a good old 9, type 9, for those that have learned about the Enneagram, I hid most of the time and maybe shared it with a few people along the way until I really felt God waking me up and calling me out to do what I'm doing now, which is a business called Your Enneagram Coach, where I coach others, but also teach others how to become Enneagram coaches, so that others can be free from self-condemnation, fear, and shame, and instead experience and know Christ's unconditional love, forgiveness, and freedom that He offers us.
Laura Dugger: Well, I know I'm one of many who are very grateful that you stepped out into the light to do all of that. In a previous episode, we did a rundown of all the numbers and personalities. So listeners should definitely start there. But now if you've already finished that episode, Beth, you had mentioned that each number can be in a healthy or unhealthy state.
Beth McCord: Yes.
Laura Dugger: So now that we know the background of each number, will you teach us more about lines and how each number appears when the person is both in a healthy and unhealthy place? [00:02:37]
Beth McCord: Yeah. So when someone looks at the symbol, and I'm sure you'll have it in your show notes, there is a 9-pointed geometric figure. So it looks like a 9-pointed star, basically. Each personality type is connected to 2 other personality types with lines.
You can think of these lines as paths: paths of stress, paths of growing. So I'm a type 9, and I am connected to both 3 and 6. So I can go to both the healthy side of 3 and 6, and all the way down to the unhealthy of 3 and 6, and anywhere in between.
But what I teach in my Discovering You course, which is the best place to start, is that you typically move towards one of them when you're under stress, and you move to it in a very specific way. And this is what you're going to act like around most people when you're under stress.
And then there's the other number where when you start to really grow, you're going to move towards the healthy attributes of that number. Now, again, you can utilize both healthy all the way to unhealthy on both. [00:03:38] But there's a little bit more complexity to that that I teach the people that want to be coaches and when people go through my Exploring You course. I go into that in much more detail.
But just for now the under stress someone like me who's easygoing, laid-back, like everything's gonna be fine, well, when I become stressed I move to the average to the unhealthy parts of 6 now. That doesn't mean I become a 6 but I take on the attributes, and all of a sudden that easy-going laid-back positive person becomes irritable, testy, worried, anxious, my mind's racing. I'm just not that pleasant to be around. Let's just say.
But the great thing about it is now that I know that this is what I do and why I do it, not only can I be more aware of, Oh, I'm under stress right now, my family can know it as well. We can all kind of go, Hey, is everything okay? Like, is there anything you need? They don't have to take it so personally. And I can actually see that maybe I'm drowning and I need help versus, why are you acting that way? So it can be really beneficial. [00:04:37]
But when I'm growing, us 9s who kind of think we don't matter, we don't have much to offer, if I move towards the healthy attributes of type 3, I'll learn to have self-confidence, to assert myself, to set goals, and to pursue the calling that God has set out for me. So then when my family sees that, let's say for them doing that is like breathing air, they know for me, that's really hard.
So now they know how to cheer me on because for me, that's growth. So that's what we want to do with our spouses, our friends, our children is to know them well enough to know how to lift them up in grace and forgiveness and support when they're not doing well, but also then how to cheer them on when they're growing, because growth is so, so hard.
Laura Dugger: That's so helpful to have examples like that. Do you mind sharing what those lines and illustrations would look like?
Beth McCord: Absolutely, yeah. The Type 1, when they're under stress, they're going to take on attributes of the average to unhealthy parts of 4, where they're going to turn this resentment, anger that they have of wanting everything to be perfect inward, and they can become depressed and kind of withdrawn and feel like people don't understand them. [00:05:50]
When the Type 1 is growing, they're going to move to the healthy attributes of the Type 7, where this Type 1 who everything must be perfect and their inner critic is beating them up inside all of a sudden experiences a child-likeness, grace, freedom, and fun.
The Type 2, when they're under stress, they're going to move to the average, the unhealthy parts of 8, where they're going to become more demanding, controlling, insistent, and that other people do what they say. Now, when they're doing really well, they're going to move to the healthy side of Type 4, where the 2 who's always focusing on everyone else finally realized that they have to care for themselves in order to truly give to others in a way that's selfless. So we want the 4s to understand their emotions and their needs and to take good care of themselves.
The 3, when the 3 is under stress, they're going to move to the average unhealthy parts of 9, where this driven 3 suddenly becomes kind of apathetic, lazy, withdrawn. And they kind of numb out with, it could be video games, shopping, eating, you name it, whatever it is for them, some way for them to check out. [00:07:00]
For the 3 to grow, we want them to move to the healthy side of 6, where it's no longer all about me, look at me, it's now about us. And it's about helping us become the best that we can be.
The Type 4, when they're under stress, they're going to move to the average, the unhealthy parts of 2, where they're going to start feeling possessive of others. But at the same time, what you'll see is they'll do kind of a push-pull. They will see that others aren't as ideal as they thought. So they'll start pushing them away, but they get really afraid that they push them too far and they start to become 2-ish where they become possessive and clingy and manipulative to bring that relationship back to them. And so you'll see this push and pull dynamic.
But when a 4 is doing really well, they're going to move to the healthy side of Type 1, where they're going to become grounded and principled and do more procedures to do what's right. And they'll find that actually sets them free.
The Type 5, when they're under stress, they're going to move to the average, the unhealthy parts of 7. [00:08:01] So the 5 can isolate themselves for a long time and then they kind of come out into the world and around people and become very impulsive, take on new projects impulsively, I guess. They can become scattered, kind of hyperactive.
But when a 5 is healthy, they're going to move to the healthy parts of 8. Where the 5 typically feels like they don't have enough knowledge to competently move forward in something, they move towards that healthy space of 8 and they competently move forward in something like, I have enough information to do this.
The6, when they're under stress, they're going to move to the average, the unhealthy parts of 3, where they're going to become a little bit more arrogant. The arrogancy here is more like, I told you guys all the hundred things that could go wrong and you didn't listen to me and therefore this is happening. So that kind of arrogancy.
But they also become concerned about failure. And so they probably won't take on new projects if failure is a possibility. And they do become more concerned about their image and what people think of them. [00:09:04]
Now when a 6 is doing really well, this racing mind of a 6 of all worst-case possibilities slows down, gets more calm, and is still operating and going for it, but it's at a much more peaceful speed and rate so they can enjoy life more.
Now the 7s, when they're struggling and under stress, they're going to move to the average, the unhealthy parts of 1, where they're going to become more critical, perfectionistic, and demand others do what is right. When a 7 is growing, they're going to move to the healthy parts of Type 5, where instead of always fleeing outward to adventure and fun. They're going to come inward and to focus on their internal world and to take care of the things that need to be taken care of internally.
Now when an 8 is struggling, they're going to move to the average to unhealthy parts of 5. And this is where they all of a sudden get isolated because they're on the defense and they're stressed. [00:10:04] So they pull back and isolate and gain more knowledge to be on the offense.
Now, when an 8 is doing really well, they're that snowplow I was talking about, where they're plowing paths for people. So they see everyone has needs, like a 2, they're moving to the healthy part of 2, and they see people's needs, but they tell everyone, hey, get behind me, I will pave the path for you. And they do an excellent job.
Then last but not least, as 9s, and I kind of said this, when we're under stress, we become worried, anxious, testy. And then when we're growing, we become assertive, confident, and develop ourselves. And there you go.
Laura Dugger: Man, you are so succinct. That was so impressive.
And now a brief message from our sponsor.
Sponsor: This sponsor is particularly special to our editor, Natalie, because this is the school where her husband teaches and her children attend. Peoria Christian School grades pre-K through 12 offers a Christ-centered, award-winning education for students. They believe eternity matters, and so they want to share the importance of knowing the Lord personally. [00:11:11]
PCS supports the Christian home and church by teaching from a biblical worldview. Their caring faculty and staff infuses God's truths through every area of the day, not just in daily Bible classes or in weekly chapels.
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Peoria Christian School is raising a generation of 21st-century Christian leaders. Visit their website at peoriachristian.org and schedule a campus tour today. Thanks for your sponsorship. [00:12:18]
Laura Dugger: Each number has a wing. So will you describe each number's wings and even give an example of what each may look like?
Beth McCord: Sure. The wings are the 2 numbers on either side of your main type. For instance, the Type 1, they have wings of 9 and 2, not any of the other numbers. The wings are just directly next to your main type. Think of this as salt and pepper. So if you are a filet mignon, beautiful filet mignon, we want to season your steak in a way that enhances or draws out your best attributes. And that's what we want our wings to do.
So we access and utilize parts of the numbers next to us that can enhance us. At the same time, when we use those numbers in an unhealthy way, it's going to not help us. Think of that as overseasoning your steak and ruining it, you know. So we want to use those qualities of the types next to us in ways that really help us. [00:13:19]
Now, typically people lean towards one number more than the other, but we use both of them to varying degrees. So there's no right and wrong, you should have more of this, less of that. It's more just what is. Me as a 9, my wings are 8 and 1. And it's good for me to learn what does it look like to use the 8 in a healthy way? What does it look like to use the 1 in a healthy way? And definitely, what does it look like when I'm using it in an unhealthy way?
For me, as a 9, I lean more towards the type 8 in my everyday life and I lean towards 1 more in my work. So in work, I'm more detailed and I want things precise and crisp and clean. But in my everyday life, I use a lot of 8. I can be more assertive than most 9s. I can really get upset when there's an injustice. And that can be good or not so good, depending on how I'm using it. So I can kind of run through real quick all the things very briefly, obviously. [00:14:19]
But the 1 with a 9 wing is the idealist. They tend to be a little bit more detached and analytical and withdrawn than the Type 1 with a 2 wing. They're going to be the advocate. And they're going to be a little bit warmer relationally, but they can also be critical and vocal and more controlling.
So you're taking the main type... and they're not changing. Those core motivations we talked about in the other episode. It's that we're using that salt and pepper. We're either enhancing or maybe not, depending on how well we use it.
Now, the type 2, their wings are one and 3. The 2 with a 1 wing is the servant. They tend to be more self-controlled with their emotions, objective, and serious. But the 2 with a 3 wing, they're more of a host or hostess and they're outgoing, they're sociable, self-assured, pretty dynamic, and they don't mind the spotlight.
So the 3, they have wings 2 and 4. The 3 with a 2 wing is the star. They have great interpersonal skills, charming, likable, adaptable, engaging. The 3 with the 4 wing is the professional, and they're a little bit more pulled back, private, quiet, and they want more recognition. And they're gonna feel more emotions than the 3 with the 2 wing. [00:15:35]
The 4, they have wings 3 and 5. The 4 with the 3 wing is the aristocrat and they have a more refined taste, emotionally, like vivid and extroverted, upbeat and goal oriented. The 4 with the 5 wing is called the bohemian. They have more intellectual depth and creativity, originality, introverted, and more isolated.
The type 5 wings are 4 and 6. The 5 of the 4 wing is called the iconoclasts. They are more emotionally vibrant, creative, exuberant as a 5. They're still more of the withdrawn type, but they're going to show their creativity and emotions more.
The 5 with the 6 wing is the problem solver. They are going to have a lot more intellectual depth and research. They tend to gravitate towards the sciences more. Then the 6 has wings 5 and 7. So the 6 of the 5 wing is called the defender. They're more organized, engaging with others, perceptual, and they want more knowledge and research. [00:16:44] The 6 with a 7 wing is called the buddy. They're very engaging, supportive, witty, sociable, and love to have a great time with others.
Now, the 7 has the 6 and the 8 wing, so the 7 with the 6 wing is called the entertainer. They're more outgoing, creative, silly, playful. They do care more about what others think, tend to be much more loyal and committed, and they enjoy experiencing things with others.
Now, the 7 with the 8 wing is called the realist. And they're going to be very assertive, confident, intense energy, very ambitious, quick minds, and they're not going to be as thoughtful of others as the 6 wing. So they almost look 8-ish. Actually, 7s with 8 wings and 8s with 7 wings have a really hard time figuring out which one is in the lead.
The 8 has wings of 7 and 9. The 8 with a 7 wing is the Maverick, and they are much more blunt, intense, demanding, insistent that others do what they say, quick, and very assertive. The 8 with a 9 wing are much more steady, patient, compassionate, tender, soft-hearted. So they do hold their aggressive side until it's needed. [00:18:00] They're not going to overtly show it, but if it's needed, they have no problem doing what needs to be done.
Then last but not least, the 9s, the 9 with a 1 wing, and the 8 wing. The 9 with a 1 wing is called the Dreamer. They're more idealistic, principled, cerebral, and they want justice and fairness and to do what's right. The 9 with an 8 wing, which is me, and it's a little... it's like 2 opposites together. You've got a person who's sociable, engaging, encouraging, expressive, independent. and assertive, but they also love the comforts that a 9 wants. And there's the wings.
Laura Dugger: Okay. And the comforts that a 9 wants, could you give examples?
Beth McCord: Oh yeah. Any kind of routine, comfy clothes, like I sit in a very comfy chair for work. We just love being comfortable. We don't want to basically be uncomfortable or stretch too far, which kind of goes in with the sloth of the 9. You know, sometimes you have to stretch yourselves and do things that we don't necessarily want to do. And it can be a good thing. [00:19:05]
Laura Dugger: I am just so glad that you're an Enneagram coach because there are still so many levels to this personality tool. One more layer of the Enneagram is triads. What are triads and how do they help us better understand our personality?
Beth McCord: The triads are the 3 centers of intelligence. You have the head or the thinking, the heart or emotions, and the gut, or like a gut instinct. The triads, kind of hence the name, there's 3 types in each of these 3 sections, which equals the 9 types. Each type has a dominant triad. Now we use all 3, but it has a dominant triad and a dominant instinctual center.
The types 8s, 9s, and 1s are in the gut instinct triad and they have similar assets and liabilities surrounding their gut instincts. So, they have a knowing. You know, it's really hard with the gut instincts because, you know, we talk about in the English language, well, I thought about this or I feel this. But with the gut instinct, it's like, uh, I don't really know what to tell you. I just have a gut instinct. Like there's not really language around it. [00:20:23]
So the 8s are the gut triad. Their emotional imbalance or struggle has to do with anger. Now the 9s and the ones will say, "What? I'm not angry. I don't have anger." Well, the 9 suppress their anger because it's uncomfortable, and then the 1s repress it and it comes out sideways as criticism and judgmentalness because being angry would be being bad.
So what happens is all 3 of these want justice. The 8s will show their anger viscerally and quickly. If they see an injustice, you're going to know about it immediately. It's not ready, aim, fire. It's fire. So it's kind of like a Diet Coke that you put a Mento in and then it's just boosh. It's really fast and erupts.
The 9 is like a Diet Coke that has a lid on it and people in the world and circumstances are shaking it up and there's all this tension built up inside. The 9 is like, Oh my gosh, I'm going to erupt and I can't, so I have to like somehow get away. So we will withdraw, numb out, get away because we're trying to calm that down because we're so afraid we're going to explode in some form or fashion and hurt our relationships. [00:21:26] And sometimes we do explode, and then it calms down pretty quickly. But that's pretty rare.
Then the ones is like a Diet Coke with the lid cap slightly off, but still on. And when things are shaking it up, like the imperfections of the world, it spews outward with criticism and nitpickiness. So that's the gut triad.
The heart triad with the feelings is the 2s, 3s, and 4s. They struggle with shame and a desire for a very specific identity. So the 2s are feeling everyone's feelings and needs. They struggle with feeling rejected. So they want to know people's needs and feelings so that they can find the one person that's in most need and come through for them with some sort of help so that they can overcome the feeling of rejection by being wanted and needed.
The 3s, they struggle with shame and thinking that they have no value or worth because they didn't accomplish enough. Or what do people think? So they overcome this with a certain image of being the most successful and admirable person. [00:22:30]
Then the 4s, they struggle with shame and thinking that there's something defective and flawed in them. And so they want to overcome this by having the most authentic, special, unique image that others are drawn to and will love.
Then the last category, the last triad is the thinking. And this is 5, 6, and 7s. They struggle with anxiety and they desire security. Now the 5's anxiety is that they feel that they don't know enough information to go out in the world and to do. So they think they have to gather a bunch of information and they think that information is going to bring them security, but it doesn't because it's the never-ending process, right? There's never enough information. So they'll constantly feel this anxiety until they stop and realize they have enough to move forward.
The 6s struggle with anxiety from a possible worst-case scenario, predictability mindset. They're scanning the horizon for what could go wrong. And that creates your typical anxiety that we think of. They think that if they can get enough knowledge and advice and wisdom from outside resources, that they'll have the right decisions to make, which will ensure their security. [00:23:45] But as we all know, we don't know what's going to happen and there's a plethora of possibilities. And so there's never that security if we rely just on ourselves.
The 7s struggle with anxiety from an internal perspective. They do have internal anxieties and fears, but that is painful for them and they don't want any pain or internal conflict happening anxiety. So they go out into the world to find stimulation, excitement, fun, because that to them brings them a sense of security.
But, as we know, then if you don't deal with the inner parts of us, it can build and build and build and actually harm them more. So those are the triads.
Laura Dugger: Those are so interesting, too, because then is there a more positive solution with.. kind of with all of them, but let's start with the 9. When the Diet Coke, you said it's like it's been shaken all day, instead of erupting, what is the best way for them? [00:24:47]
Beth McCord: Absolutely. Yeah. So like for myself, it's taken a long time to kind of at least figure it out, but that's no surprise as a 9. It's like we live in a fog and it takes me a long time to figure things out. But once I do, I'm like, "Oh, this makes sense." But for me, I never really realized that I was feeling this much tension.
Like with my family, my husband and daughter and son, they can kind of be talking and bantering back and forth and it might be a playful tension for them. But for me, it feels horrible. I feel all shooken up inside. What are they getting in conflict? Are they upset with one another? Is everyone okay? Is someone's feelings hurt? Like I'm constantly thinking all of this tension stuff. And I just want to say, Everyone, stop, like, just speak nicely. And they're thinking, we're just having fun, you know, but to me, it's not fun.
So with that kind of being shooken up inside, whether it's playful or real tension or real conflict, I can either shut down or explode. But what I have to now recognize is the feeling, the sensation this has. And it really does feel like that pressure and I typically will withdraw or retreat or shut down in fear that I can't fix it, or if I try to fix it, or if I say something, I'll bring more harm to the relationship or bring more tension or conflict. [00:26:07] So I might shut down or I might physically get up and leave. Well, that doesn't necessarily help either.
So by letting my family know how it feels in me and what's going on and verbalizing that, not in a demanding way, but in a way of asking, "Hey, this is kind of hard for me. And if you guys want to continue this, because I can see that you're actually having fun, it just doesn't feel fun to me, I'm happy to go, you know, watch TV in the other room or put earbuds in or something like that. But otherwise, it'd be awesome if we can change how we're talking so that it doesn't feel so, you know, sarcastic or tension for me. That's sometimes how I have to navigate it. Sometimes it's just me.
For instance, here's a great example. When my kids were little, my husband would wrestle with them on the floor and tickle them. They're laughing and hollering. Well, my 9 internal world just was like, Please stop. You know, this is too much. But my eyes could see this is a beautiful thing. This is great. So I recognize in those situations, that's something I have to deal with. I don't have to control others, you know. [00:27:14]
So that's kind of how someone can start to work with their own particular strengths and weaknesses. But at the same time, it's a strength that I have this ability because if I might feel tension in a room that no one else is realizing is there, and I might be able to bring understanding where no one else can, because I can feel it and I can sense it and I know what others need, but will I speak up is the thing. And as a 9, to do it in a healthy way is really important.
Laura Dugger: I'm so curious with the 7, because as a 7, I think it's very easy for me to be in denial. So I was thinking, huh, internal anxiety. I can't think of how to even recognize that. Or what would you recommend as a healthy way to process that if it's not seeking external stimulation?
Beth McCord: So for 7s, anything that is negative, painful, not positive, productive, you know, like all of those things drive us up and crazy and they don't want to sit there. They don't want to talk about it or deal with it. Like, let's just move on. Let's think of it positive. Let's reframe. Let's find a new solution. [00:28:18]
But sometimes there are things that really do need to be thought through or dealt with. And a big one would be death and sorrow and grief. Not only should they spend the time to truly grieve and process, but to not force others to get over it quickly, because it would be uncomfortable for a 7 to allow someone to really go there with them in the presence, because they don't know what to do with it. You know, it's scary. It's painful. It's hard. It's everything that they fear.
Now, it doesn't mean that the 7 is insensitive or that they don't care. They just don't know what to do with that hard space. So, for them, it's taking baby steps and first being in the present moment and recognizing how their personality is screaming at them to think positive and reframe, oh, it's going to be great.
A big one that Christians do when someone dies is, well, at least they're in a better place. You know, it's like, okay, that doesn't help the person who just lost their husband or their child. But to be there with them and to empathize and to feel their sorrow, just like Christ did with others really shows a Christ-like demonstration. [00:29:28] And it is hard, and it is painful, but that is the better place to be.
Now, we love 7s because you do bring the positive, so we do need that, but not when it's inappropriate or unwarranted. Does that make sense?
Laura Dugger: That totally makes sense. And let's just touch on one other of the triads. Let's do a 2. What would that healthy process look like for them?
Beth McCord: So when a 2s walk into a room, they're going to instantly know the feelings of the room and they're going to know who has the most need, whether emotionally or physically. The personality is going to be insistent that they come through, one, because if they don't come through, they're being selfish and bad and they will be then unloved, which is their greatest fear.
So then the personality is convincing them that they must insert their help with that person, one, so they can get appreciation and gratitude and they can overcome this sensation of being rejected and unlovable. [00:30:27]
For the 2s, we would want them to recognize they are not called to save, preserve, and protect the world. That is God's responsibility. And when they enter a room and they see that there are needs, they have to first align their heart with God in, one, recognizing what are their needs. And have they taken care of themselves enough to give of themselves from a selfless standpoint versus strings attached of, oh, I hope they say thank you, or I'm going to need them to say thank you? I need them to show me my value in helping.
And so if they're not quite there, for them to just pull back and trust and pray for the person and realize, It is not ultimately my responsibility to help and come through for that person. Christ knows their needs. My heart is not in the right place. Therefore, I'm going to ask the Lord to put my heart in the right place if He wants me to be the person to serve. And if my heart's not in the right place, I will wait patiently for that to change. And then maybe God will bring someone else into the mix and serve that person. But it doesn't have to be me, because Christ did not serve every single person on the planet when He was here, right? He took time for himself with the Lord to replenish Himself, to refresh Himself, and to take care of His human body. [00:31:47]
So Christ could, because He was fully God, be with a thousand people every day, 24-7, and healing every single one. But He didn't. So for the 2s to recognize, let God be God. And when God directs them to serve, make sure their heart and their self-care is in the right place to selflessly do it.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's so good. Can I ask you a favor? If you've enjoyed listening to The Savvy Sauce for free and have benefited in any way, would you consider becoming a patron? For as little as $5 per month, you gain exclusive access to bonus episodes every month, such as a conversation on healthy relationships with the hilarious and practical Sue Heimer, or our Patreon-only episode on living a transformational life with author and counselor Brent Hanson.
Not only is this a great deal for you, but it's a great deal for the future of The Savvy Sauce as well. If every listener even gave $1 per month, it would completely offset all of our costs to produce future episodes. [00:32:49] We are humbled by the generosity of those already contributing. A gift of any amount is greatly appreciated. We hope you join us today by visiting thesavvysauce.com and clicking on our Patreon tab.
With all of these connections, the lines and wings and triads, how many numbers do we actually operate out of?
Beth McCord: Well, that is a good question. It's kind of in some sense infinite because we're not even touching on what's called the instinctual subtypes, which adds 3 more layers to every type. There's also something called the tritype, which is another 27 subtypes. So it just really can go on and on.
For instance, I am a type 9, 9 with an 8 wing. I am asexual, which is also called 1 to 1. The reason why they use that term is I want more intimacy with connectivity and closeness in relationship with people. And then my tritype is a 9, 3, 6. So, it just kind of goes on and on, and so it can get deeper and deeper and more nuanced. [00:33:59]
That's what makes it fun because... I mean, it makes it complicated, but it makes it fun because we are unique. We are different. We are special. And then we have our own stories that are in the mix of all of that in our relationship. So, that's why I love this personality typology is that it's not just, oh yeah, you're a color this or color that. I mean, it's this infinite array of colors and possibilities and health and unhealth, etc, etc.
I really just encourage people to first learn the basics through the Discovering You course, then dive into your Exploring You course, where I take you further in, going over some of the things that we went over today, but for your type and how to specifically grow in the gospel.
Then if you're really wanting to know more, I have a course called Becoming an Enneagram Coach. This is for anyone that wants a deeper dive or anyone that wants to use it with other people. So it doesn't have to be a coach. You could be a counselor, pastor, mentor, anyone that wants to help others transform.
Laura Dugger: That's awesome. Because you do such an amazing job simplifying the Enneagram for us, and I really appreciate that you've got these courses available online. [00:35:11] For all you listeners, Beth has made it available.
When you are purchasing one of those courses, you can use the code 10OFF, and it's all one word, and you will get $10 off one of those courses because, like we mentioned, we have not even scratched the surface of all the nuances of the Enneagram.
But we only have time for one more question. We are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" means practical knowledge or discernment. So, Beth, we would love to hear, what is your savvy sauce?
Beth McCord: If all the personalities have a different colored lens, what is yours? How do you see the world? What colored lens are you looking through? And then how can you describe this for others in a non-reactive way, but a proactive way?
So when you're talking to a friend, a coworker, a spouse, a child, how can you express your heart, your intentions, your motives in a way that is not threatening to others, blaming, controlling, demanding? But how can you express what your needs are in a way that helps others to truly see you? [00:36:22] But also then how can you put on their glasses? How can you see their world from their perspective? That's what I would really encourage everyone to do.
Laura Dugger: I love it. That's a great place to end today. Beth, really, your knowledge on all these topics is just incredible. I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude just that you took all of these years of study and translated them into our few minutes together today. So thanks for joining us.
Beth McCord: Yeah, thank you.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. [00:37:25] But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. [00:38:25] Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. [00:39:27]
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Sep 02, 2019
Monday Sep 02, 2019
70. Energy to Spark Success in Your Business with Best-Selling Author, Speaker, and Podcaster, Christy Wright
**Transcription Below**
Matthew 25:21 (NIV) “His master replied, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master’s happiness!’"
Christy Wright is the #1 national best-selling author of Business Boutique, host of the Business Boutique Podcast, a Certified Business Coach and a Ramsey Personality with a passion for equipping women with the knowledge and steps they need to successfully run and grow a business. Since joining Ramsey Solutions in 2009, she has spoken to thousands across the country at women’s conferences, national business conferences, Fortune 500 companies and her own sold-out live events. You can follow Wright on Twitter and Instagram @ChristyBWright and online at christywright.com or facebook.com/OfficialChristyWright.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Christy Wright’s Business Boutique Website
Business Boutique by Christy Wright
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You Can’t Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded) by Cynthia Tobias
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:01] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is brought to you by Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Stay tuned for insider tips we're going to share during the episode.
Christy Wright is our guest today, and she is a mother, wife, business leader, and author. She's going to help you break through barriers in your own business by sharing practical applications she's learned through working for Dave Ramsey and writing her book, Business Boutique. Here's our chat.
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Christy.
Christy Wright: Thanks for having me. I'm so excited about this.
Laura Dugger: Well, will you just start us off by sharing briefly how you got to where you are today?
Christy Wright: I'll tell you this, you know, where I am today and what I'm doing today in my current season of life with two kids and a baby on the way and running the Business Boutique is really a culmination of a lot of different patterns I feel like I've observed in my life. You know, it's easy to be in a season where you feel like that season doesn't have a lot of purpose, but I have found that God uses everything for His purpose.
And so there's been a real pattern in my life from being raised by a single mom that started a business when I was six months old to being raised in a business to pursuing a degree in business myself and then becoming a certified business coach and having my own side businesses and all of these things kind of coming together for such a time as this. [00:01:39]
Now I just feel that I'm in a season of really helping women turn their dreams and ideas and goals into action. So whatever that looks like, whatever their version of success is, whether it's a little side business or a little Etsy shop, you know, like they say, or they want to run a big business, a multi-million dollar business and build a team, I really think that I'm uniquely positioned to come alongside them and give them the encouragement to go for it, but also the practical steps that they can follow that will give them a plan to win.
Laura Dugger: Well, you're a great coach and speaker, and everybody probably knows that your resource is called Business Boutique, and I'd love to just cover a few of those themes from your book. So first, will you explain how fear factors into us pursuing our business idea or passion?
Christy Wright: Sure. Well, this is a major barrier for people. I think a lot of people think, Oh, I can't go into business or start my business because there's already too many people doing what I want to do or I don't have a business background or I don't have, you know, a ton of money or a ton of time or (fill in the blank). [00:02:39]
But really, the root of all of that is fear. To be honest, Laura, you know, when you put yourself out there in business, when you put yourself out there online, when you make a product, when you sell your service, when you put yourself out there in the world, it's vulnerable. You're putting yourself out there to be rejected and that can be a really scary process. And you have a lot of questions. You start to have the imposter syndrome. Who are you to do this? What will people think? You know, there's already someone doing it. They're doing it better and faster and cheaper. You know, there's someone with more money or more talent or more time than you and, you know, all these fears creep in. And that voice of fear gets really loud. So I think that this is a major barrier.
But what's interesting is that you have to be able to tackle the fear if you're going to build your business. Because I can give people steps and plans and tools all day long, but if they're still scared, they're going to stay stuck.
So, part of my heart behind Business Boutique, whether it's at our event, or through our podcast, or through my book, or through my academy, wherever they get help, I want to give them not only the information they need to win, but I want to give them the encouragement to get past the fear to be able to win. Because you need both. [00:03:45] You need the information, but you also need the inspiration to be able to go for it.
Laura Dugger: And when those people do get inspired, do you find that they may not have totally overcome their fear, but they're just going to do it scared?
Christy Wright: Oh, yeah. And what's really funny is they will write me all the time. They're like, "I'm doing it. I'm doing it scared. It's become this tribal language. I'm doing it, you know, doing it scared. I can't believe I did it." And what's amazing about this whole process is, Laura, I didn't do anything. I didn't get in their business. I didn't call that client or do that Facebook live for them. I didn't do any of the hard work for them, they did it, but they are amazing themselves.
Like, I can't believe I'm doing this. I can't believe I did my first speaking event. I can't believe I made my first dollar. I can't believe I made my first, you know, $100,000 or whatever it is. And it's really cool to see them realizing the potential in themselves where they're blowing their own minds. They're doing things they didn't know that they could do But it's not because they became fearless and they just all of a sudden the fear was removed. They just decided to do it anyway, despite the fear. [00:04:48] They decided to do it while they're scared.
That can be a really powerful practice and practical application for anyone listening because if you wait until you're not scared to do something, you'll never do it. The fear doesn't go away oftentimes. Instead, you do it while you're scared.
But that's what's so beautiful because nothing will silence your fear of doing the thing like doing the thing. So go do the thing. You know, I tell people all the time, the antidote to fear is action. So take action, do the thing, and then you look up one day and you're like, Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm doing it.
Laura Dugger: That's awesome. Take action. Do you have any other helpful truths or practical applications to use as we specifically combat those fears to launch ourselves forward?
Christy Wright: Yeah. I would say "truth". I love how you said that, a helpful truth. I think that one of the things that we need to understand about fear, a truth we need to understand, an absolute, this is not Christy Wright's opinion, this is an absolute, is that fear is normal. [00:05:46]
Now, Laura, I'll tell you for years I used to think that fear was a bad sign, like it was a red flag, turn back now. If I was supposed to do this thing, fill in the blank with whatever it was, then I wouldn't be scared. I would be super confident, super excited. I would have a foolproof plan. I would just be ready to run into the thing. But that's not how it works in life.
When you are pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone, trying something new you've never done before, you will be scared. Not maybe. Not possibly. You will definitely be scared. Why? Because you've never done it before. Of course, you're scared. This is new. It's unknown. There's a risk.
But if we can acknowledge that fear is normal, it's not a bad sign, it doesn't mean that God is telling us to turn back, that we can't do it. In fact, I have found that the opposite is usually true. It means that this thing matters deeply. It means there's something on the line.
And if we want to get super spiritual about it, it means the enemy has a target on your back because God's about to use you in big ways. So, of course, he's going to torment you with fear and lies and who are you to do this and all that. But if we just realize this is a normal part of the journey, then we don't have to wait until we're not scared. Instead, we just do it scared. [00:06:53]
And what's amazing is we learn a lot about ourself in doing that, and we learn a lot about God showing up and His faithfulness in that process. But if you look at Scripture, it says again and again, fear not, fear not, fear not, because God knew we would be scared. And when He's calling you to something big and new, it's probably going to be big and new and risky and exciting. And that feels scary. So it's so normal.
If you can realize it's normal, it's not a bad sign, then that doesn't have to hold you back anymore because you realize fear is not a sign you're doing something bad. It's a sign you're doing something bold. And that's a good thing.
Laura Dugger: Oh, yes and amen. Christy, I love it. Well, we've talked about fear, but let's also talk about overwhelm. So what is the best thing that we can do to get over the wall of being overwhelmed?
Christy Wright: Well, I'll tell you, I have a million ideas a minute and I've got checklist and to-do list. I was just up last night at 2 a.m. I had to get up to go to the bathroom because I'm pregnant with my third child and I came back to bed and my mind just started running. I was like, Oh, I'm never going to go back to sleep because once my mind starts going, it's like there's no reigning it in. [00:07:54]
But I love the quote from David Allen in his book. He says, "The mind is created for having ideas, not holding them." And it's when we try to hold ideas that we feel very overwhelmed. It feels very big. It feels unknown. Our brain is working so hard to remember all these things. And a very tactical, simple solution is to write it down. You have an idea, write it down. You have a task you need to add to your to-do list, write it down. You have something you want to handle tomorrow, a problem you need to deal with, write it down.
The moment you write it down, something very powerful happens. You take all the work off your brain. You take all the overwhelm and all the unknown and it feels big and I'm working so hard to remember, remember, remember, and don't forget it. You put it on a piece of paper, you put it on your notes app on your phone and now, it's secure. It's safe. It's captured. It will not be forgotten. You can handle that later. You can see on paper, on purpose, here's exactly what needs to happen, here's the steps I need to take, or the tasks I need to complete. [00:08:54] And it just reduces the overwhelm of your brain working so hard to remember these things.
I use running examples all the time. My team gives me a hard time, but it really is like running a marathon. If you think, how in the world would someone run 26.2 miles? Or how would someone run a half marathon of 13.1 miles? Well, if you just look at the end result, yeah, that sounds crazy overwhelming.
But when you download a training plan, and it shows you over the next three months, how you're going to gradually increase your mileage each week, and you can see how you're going to get from where you are today, not running, to where you're going to be in three months running... you know, crossing the finish line of a half marathon, it doesn't feel crazy, it doesn't even feel overwhelming. You just see the steps you need to take. So it's just a really powerful practice to write it down, whether that's your plan, your to-do list, your ideas, your problems, your prayers.
Something is so powerful when you take it out of the battlefield of your mind and put it on paper in the real world, in the tangible world, where now it's secure, your brain doesn't have to work so hard to remember it, and you know that that is something that you can see on paper and you can tackle it. [00:09:56]
Laura Dugger: And that's so simple and possible for all of us. Just write it down.
Christy Wright: That's right.
Laura Dugger: What are some questions that we need to consider as we develop our business plan, whether we've already launched or not?
Christy Wright: There's a lot. There's a lot of things. Actually, when I wrote Business Boutique, I wrote it as a plan. So cover to cover, we kind of go through different steps of putting together a plan for your business. But I'll tell you, one of the best things you can think about when you're starting out, an element to consider that I want you to build your whole plan around rather is what are you uniquely positioned to do? What are your unique strengths? What are your unique passions? What's your unique knowledge that you bring to this business or this idea or the marketplace?
What's really cool is when you start to write out, wow, these are the things that bring me joy, these are the things that I feel like I'm created to do, these are the things that are easy for me, obvious for me, effortless for me, when you start to write down your unique strengths, your unique personality, your unique knowledge, all of that stuff, then everything about the business should be shaped around that. [00:10:59]
Because you're going to be the most successful when you stay in your strengths. Your business will be the most successful when you stay in your strengths. Your customers will be the happiest when you are in your strengths, where you are doing the most of what you're good at, you spend most of your time doing what you love and as little time as possible doing what you don't love and what you're not good at.
So there's a lot of things to consider. You know, when you're building a plan, you obviously want to know, Is there a market and do you solve a problem through the business? But just start with you. Like build this business around your life and your passions and your strengths and what makes you you and then figure out how you and everything that makes you, can serve the marketplace in a way that will really help people and kind of build it from there.
Laura Dugger: Just to build on that, I love one of your quotes from page 95. I'm going to read it here. You say, "What's obvious to you is not obvious to everyone else. What's easy for you is not easy for everyone else. What is simple to you is not simple to everyone else. Your strengths are unique, valuable, and important, and friends, the world needs you to step into them."
Christy Wright: Yes. And I'll tell you, this is a struggle of every person I've ever met. I struggle with this every time I sit down to write a blog or write a script for my podcast or write a talk for stage. I'm like, "Everyone already knows this. They're going to boo me off the stage. They're going to be like, this is the most obvious, practical... like I already knew this." But I've found that it's not. [00:12:22]
There are things that are so simple that someone will teach me and it changes how I manage my time or changes something in productivity. I'll tell you, I'm reading a book right now. This hits right at home. I have my youngest son, Conley is the wild one. Anyone that has more than one child I feel like has a wild one at least. Conley is my wild one.
I'm reading this book right now called You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Persuaded). And it's about raising a strong-willed child because Conley is a... by the book, strong-willed child. And I'm reading this book and I'm like, this is blowing my mind. It's so simple but I didn't know it. And it's changing how I parent, it's changing how I view my son, it's changing how I feel about the future of a life with him where I was really frustrated before, and now I feel really hope-filled.
And I guarantee you, that author sat down and was like, well, this is obvious because she knows it. She lives it and breathes it every day. But you just have to remember that that's not true for everyone. In fact, God gave you those unique strengths and knowledge, and experience because He wants you to use those for the benefit of other people. [00:13:22]
It's just the same way that, you know, if you're listening right now, you've benefited from someone else's knowledge or someone else's information. They had those same thoughts and fears. Like, everybody knows this. But you just have to know that what's obvious to you is not obvious to everyone else. And push past that hurdle because the world needs, we really do need what you have to offer. So we've got to push past that to go ahead and offer it to the world.
Laura Dugger: That's so motivating to hear. And back to that book reference, is that Cynthia Tobias who authored that one?
Christy Wright: I think you're right. I think that's the name. Yeah, I think that's right.
Laura Dugger: Great. We're going to link to all of this in our show notes. But just a little side note as well, you talked about being a mom and a working mom. So if somebody's hearing this and they're a woman, whether they're working inside the home or outside the home, do you have any practical encouragement for how they can find time to discover what gives them energy, what their strengths are?
Christy Wright: Yes, I do. A lot of people are familiar with the different personality tests, whether it's the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs or the DISC profile, but I have developed just five e-questions. That's what I call it, five questions, that have an e-word in them that can help you identify your strengths and kind of push you in the direction of your strengths. [00:14:34] So I'll just give you those really quickly. They're super simple.
The first one is, what do you enjoy? Typically the things you enjoy are also the things that are in your strengths. You know, we don't like doing things we're not good at. I don't like playing basketball because I have no hand-eye coordination. So, we typically like, you know, the things that we enjoy are also our strengths.
Second one is where do you excel in relation to other people? Now, don't get all squirmy about this. Like, Oh, you know, I'm not good at anything. Humility. I'm just, I'm good at humility. Like, no. If God made you good at something, own it. We're not doing anyone any favors by dismissing or downplaying our strengths. So if God made you good at something, where do you excel? Where do you perform above average in relation to other people?
Another question to ask yourself is what do others encourage in you? So sometimes identifying our strengths comes through the gift of other people's compliments. So what are people always saying? Hey, you're so great at that. Oh my gosh, you should start a business doing that. Man, you're a natural. Those are the things that you should pay attention to. [00:15:34]
A fourth question is what gives you energy? When we're in our strengths, it gives us energy. It doesn't mean that we're not tired. But it's that good kind of tired where you wake up to do it all again the next day. For me, when you're not in your strengths, it drains your energy really, really fast. I'm not good at details. If you ask me to do an Excel spreadsheet, like I'm five minutes in and I need a nap. But I'm really good at speaking on stage. I can do that for days and it gives me energy.
Then lastly, what comes effortless to you? So, what's easy for you? These are the easiest ones to undervalue because we think, well, if it's easy for me, it's easy for everyone else. Or it's effortless for me, then it must not have any value. But that's simply not true. That's just a sign you're in your strengths.
So those five e-questions can kind of help you move in the direction of your strengths, if you go through and answer those. What do you enjoy? Where do you excel? What do others encourage in you? What gives you energy? And what comes effortless to you? Answer those questions and that will give you a good clue about the direction of your strengths. [00:16:34]
Laura Dugger: Those are incredibly helpful. Great place to get started. Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
Sponsor: Today's episode is brought to you by Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Here's a few insider tips that you may not know about Chick-fil-A East Peoria. First, the best-kept secret is their chicken for breakfast, which is served Monday through Saturday, 6:30 a.m. until 10:30 a.m.
My personal favorite are the chicken minis. Four chicken nuggets tucked inside a mini yeast roll and then glazed with honey butter. Or you can try the egg white grill if you want to pack in the protein.
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Laura Dugger: From your years of working for Dave Ramsey, I just think it would be a disservice to our listeners not to cover the topic of finances. So what are you most passionate to communicate to the listeners about money, specifically as it relates to business?
Christy Wright: I love this question. Because you could take this a million different directions, but I'll just tell you what my gut response is. And this really relates to life or business. It doesn't matter if it's life or business. It is not evil. It is not evil. Money is not evil. Like I just want all of your listeners to hear that. Money is amoral. That means that it's not good and it's not bad. It's like a brick. You put a brick in someone's hands, it's not a nice brick, it's not a mean brick, it's not a jerk brick, it's not a really sweet brick. It's just a brick.
But when you put it in the hands of a person, it can be used for good or bad. Now money is just like that. Money doesn't have character qualities. But when you put it in the hands of a person, it can be used for good or used for bad. [00:18:46]
So when you understand this, that money, any amount of money, I don't care if you're talking about two pennies or you're talking about $20 million. The amount of money does not dictate the character of the person. The character of the person dictates how the amount of money is used. Any amount of money.
Money is also a magnifier. So it makes you more of what you already are. So if you're a jerk and you get a lot of money, you're just going to be a huge rich jerk. But if you're a giver and you earn a lot of money, you get a lot of money, you make a lot of money, think of the difference that you could make because you're a giver and now you have all this money to leverage for the kingdom, for nonprofits, for ministries, for your family, for leaving a big tip at Waffle House. Think of the difference you can make when you have money.
Money really just equals options and power and the ability to... it's a tool to be used, and if you're a believer, for good. To be used for good. I think to just understand that money is not evil. I think there's a belief in our culture. You see it in mainstream media, like, oh, the, you know, rich top 1%. You see it in the Christian subculture of like, oh my gosh, we've all just got to be poor and pitiful doormats. [00:19:57]
It's like, that's not who Jesus was and that's not what God calls us to. And if we're talking about there's a certain amount of money in the world, don't we want the Christians to have it? I think we'll use it better than maybe those that aren't believers. Like, let's go do good with this money. So I hope that all of your listeners earn a ton of money. I hope they make millions of dollars in their lifetime because think of what they can do for this world, for their family, for their future that can make a big difference.
So money is not evil and it doesn't make you evil if you have it, earn it, want it, pursue it, build it, and so on. Money is amoral. And if you want to get super technical, you look at the parable of the talents. If you're not faithful with a little, God's not going to give you more to mismanage. But when you're faithful with a little, God can trust you with more.
So I think if you can understand that money mindset, it sets you free to build wealth or to pursue a higher income or to build your business unapologetically, make sales, raise your prices. There's so much around that money mindset that sets you free for good if you can understand that money is not evil. [00:20:59]
Laura Dugger: Well, and I think that the topic of money does tie into sales. So how can we redefine sales in our minds to actually make a sale in our own business?
Christy Wright: Well, this is really important because we need to understand what sales is. See, most people think of sales as negative. Think of all the adjectives we use for sales. Sleazy sales, slimy sales, you know, aggressive, pushy, annoying, twisting someone's arm, taking advantage of someone. None of those are positives. Of course, we don't want to sell if that's what we think sales is.
However, the good news is that it's not. Sales is really serving. So think about it this way. If you have a product or service that you use that has changed your life, that has improved your life in some way, maybe it's something like a really good book that totally transforms your marriage, or maybe it's something really tactical like a dry shampoo that helps you extend your hairstyle so you don't have to wash your hair every day, it doesn't matter what it is, but if it's helped you in some way, you want to tell people about it. [00:21:59]
You want to tell people because it helps you. You want to tell people because it can help them. You want to tell them because you want to improve their life and serve them. Oh my gosh, you struggle with greasy hair by five o'clock? I used to too, but I've got this great dry shampoo. Oh my gosh, your marriage is struggling? Hey, let me tell you about this book that really transformed the way my husband and I communicate. You want to tell them because it can help them. That's what sales is.
If you believe in your product or service, if you created it because you believe it helps people in some way, then why would you not talk about it? You're doing them a disservice by not talking about it. So when someone comes through my book signing line, for example, when I have had thousands and thousands of success stories of women that have read my book, and built their business, and changed their life because they now can chase their dream, then I have complete confidence in what this book does. [00:22:48]
I think it has got inspired. I think it makes a difference in people's lives. I wouldn't have written it if I didn't. I didn't write it just for my own fun in my free time. I wrote it to help people and I know that it does. I believe that it did when I wrote it and now I have proof that it does thousands of people later.
And so if someone comes to my book signing line at an event, for example, and says, "Hey, I'm really excited to read your book. Do you think it'll help me?" I don't say, "Gosh, I don't know. Maybe, you know, it's a toss-up, 50/50." No. I'm like, "Yes, it will help you. I can't wait for you to read this book. And when you follow this plan, you are going to win. I can't wait to see what God's going to do through you when you have this information that you need to chase your dream and build this business. In fact, I'm so confident that you're going to win. I want to go ahead and give you my email. Would you email me whenever you build your business? Because I can't wait to share your success story on my podcast."
You're speaking aggressive confidence over people. You are believing and speaking life into them. And you know what? They will prove you right. They will step into that confidence. They will absorb that confidence. They will take that book, they will apply that book, and then it will change their life. [00:23:55]
That's not me trying to make a sale. That's not me trying to get 20 bucks. I don't care about the 20 bucks. I care about the woman on the other side of that book. And I believe that information helps her. And I know it can and I want her to believe that it can so that she can win. And when you have that kind of conversation, the sale is effortless, it's natural and it's serving that person. I served her by showing her something that could help her.
And if you don't believe in your business, if you don't believe in what you're doing, then you need to be in a different business. If you've got some gut check about like, I don't think what I'm doing is moral, I don't think it's good, you know, then get a different business. But if you believe in it, sister, don't hold back because there are people that need what you have to offer right now today, but you've got to tell them. They don't know unless you tell them about it. And that's sales.
Laura Dugger: That's such a great paradigm shift, that sales is actually service. Breaking it down, even on page 250 in your book, I was blown away when I read, did you know that over 60% of sales transactions happen after the fourth interaction? [00:24:56] That was mind-blowing to me. So I think it's a paradigm shift and encouragement to continue on, be persistent.
Christy Wright: Totally. Because we get our feelings hurt if someone says no the first time. But it just means no right now. That's okay. I mean, think about… There's been times that, you know, if you're listening right now, someone has followed up multiple times and it was later on that you were ready to make that purchase. Just because it was no at first doesn't mean it's “no” forever.
You needed a moment to think about it or talk to your husband about it or budget or read more information. People need time. It's not getting on their nerves to follow up. It's just a normal part of the process. And it's not personal. It's not like, Oh, they hate me. Never go back again. It's like, no, they just need a minute to understand what they're going to spend their money on.
Laura Dugger: This is a quick shout-out to DZ's Wife who left a five-star rating and review on iTunes. She wrote, "I've enjoyed listening to each one and have jotted down some notes and ordered one of the books recommended on number three. Keep this good stuff coming." [00:25:51]
If you want to leave a review on iTunes, simply click "Write a Review" on our show page on your podcast app. Your podcast reviews help spread The Savvy Sauce around the world, which in turn makes our quality of guest improve. We only want to bring you the best interviews, so thanks for helping us with this endeavor.
So Christy, what tips do you recommend for managing our time better in hopes of enjoying a more abundant life?
Christy Wright: All right, I'm going to give you a really simple one. You've heard it before, but I will tell you this is the most important aspect of managing your time. It doesn't have to do with the calendar or an app on your phone or the way you manage your schedule. It's simply how you handle yourself in your time. And what I mean by that is Be present. Be where your feet are.
Because what is amazing is you can manage your time awesome. You can manage your time... You're maximizing, you're time blocking, you're doing all the efficiencies, multitasking, all the things. But if you're always focusing on where you're not, if when you're at work, you're thinking about home and when you're at home, you're feeling guilty for not being at work and keeping up with work. [00:26:56] If you're always focusing on where you're not, you're never present where you are and you miss your entire life one block of time at a time.
The other opposite could be true. You could be kind of flippant about your schedule and not super efficient and not multitasking and not time blocking. You could be getting a lot of things wrong when it comes to practical time management. But if you could just simply be present where you are, when you're at work, you are dialed in, you're thinking about work, you're focused on work, when you're at home with your kids, your phone is down, your computer is closed, and you are looking your children in the eyes and you're playing with them and you're engaging with them and absorbing that moment, if you can just be present where you are, then you can manage your time a lot less intentionally even, but you feel like you have more of it because you actually enjoy the moment that you're in.
And this is transformational when it comes to mom guilt because that's where my mom guilt comes from. It comes from when I used to always focus on where I wasn't. It was living my life perpetually looking through the rearview mirror instead of the front windshield of what I was driving to.
When I was at home, I felt guilty for not keeping up with work. I was looking at my phone, my email. When I was at work, I was thinking about my kids. Do they need me? Are they okay? [00:28:00] I was missing every moment. So, now, I just flip my focus. I look through the front windshield.
So for example, right now, I get to be on this awesome conversation with you, Laura, and I'm not thinking about my kids. They're fine. But when I go home, I'm going to be with my kids and I'm not going to be thinking about work or this podcast or anything I need to be doing.
So as simple as it sounds and as hard as it is to do, choose to flip your focus from where you're not to where you are and be where your feet are. And that will make you feel like you have more time than you ever imagined.
Laura Dugger: That is a wise word. Do you have any other savvy business tips to share or even questions that you recommend we ask ourselves at different phases of launching or improving our business?
Christy Wright: Yeah. I would say we've talked a lot about mindset in this episode and I love that it just kind of naturally went that way, whether it's your mindset about money or your mindset about time or your mindset about your strengths. I would say that one of the most critical things you can do not just in business but in life is to have an abundance mindset.
So one of the things that I remind people again and again is that there's room for you in the marketplace. [00:29:03] So, you might be looking around saying, Oh, well, I want to be a seamstress and there's nine million seamstress. Okay, but there's not you.
No one has your unique set of talent and skills and experience and story and style and perspective and passion that you bring to the work that you do. No one can do what you can do like you can do it. There's room for you in the marketplace.
I use the example of when I was on book tour a couple years ago, we would do book signings at different bookstores. You know, we'd do the signing, and then there'd be like, 100, 200 women standing around and we do like a little coaching session, a little Q&A. And every single time I got asked this question, what if someone is already doing the thing that I want to do?
And my response to them was the same, which is actually my encouragement for your listeners today. I would say, look around this bookstore. How many books are in this bookstore? Maybe in Barnes & Noble, books a million, thousands, hundreds of thousands, you know, maybe millions of books if you consider the back stock. I said, but yet you're standing here holding mine. Why is that?
My book is not the best book in the world. It's certainly not the only business book out there But I believe that there's a group of people that only I can help in the way that I can help them. There's room for me in the marketplace, no matter how many books there are. [00:30:12]
And the same is true for you. There is room for you in the marketplace. Just because there's other people doing something similar doesn't take away from what God wants to do through you. So regardless of your dream or your business or your stage of business or even in life, just where you are, I just want to encourage people, don't get distracted by someone else living in their strengths, chasing their dream, doing their thing, because it doesn't take away from what God wants to do through you. We have an abundance in our world.
Our God is an infinite God. And that means that we get to take part in that. The possibilities are infinite of what He can and wants to do with us and through us. And so just remember, regardless of where you're going or what you're doing, there's room for you too.
Laura Dugger: Christy, you're such a natural encourager. We can't even contain all of your creative genius in these few moments. Where can listeners find you online?
Christy Wright: Businessboutique.com. You can find out information about the podcast, the book, our courses, anything you need that can encourage you and help you.
Laura Dugger: Perfect. We will link to all of that, like I said, in the show notes and then also on our resources tab on our website, thesavvysauce.com. [00:31:17] Christy, I just have one final question for you today. We are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. And as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Christy Wright: Well, I don't know how practical this is, but I'll tell you. I guess the unique thing that I bring to what I do, it's the number one thing people say about me. So, I guess I'll listen to what they say about me is my energy. I have a lot of energy and I think some people that might be stuck in a rut, you know, they need a little bit of that energy from someone else. So, if I can bring some energy and some inspiration and excitement, it might just be the boost they need to get going. So, yeah, I guess that's my savvy sauce, my secret sauce, whatever you want to call it.
Laura Dugger: That's great, Christy. I definitely think that word energy pops up when I think about you. So, thanks for sharing your passion, energy, and expertise with us today. It was so helpful, and I really enjoyed our chat.
Christy Wright: Oh, thanks for having me. I loved it. [00:32:11]
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. [00:33:17]
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started? [00:34:18]
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. [00:35:17]
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Wednesday Aug 28, 2019
Wednesday Aug 28, 2019
69. Simplifying Your Calendar, Your Home, and Your Life with Blogger, Podcaster, and Occupational Therapist, Renae Fieck
**Transcription Below**
James 1:22 (NIV) “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”
Renae Fieck is a wife, mom of 3, occupational therapist, and advocate for moms who desire more grace, space, and rest within their lives. She has found strength beyond her own to navigate life's struggles...multiple miscarriages, and a husband with a brain tumor who now has seizures. She now has a passion to connect with other amazing women and inspire women to uncover their own worth, live in the rawness of life, and yet let go of the constant chaos. She has hosted the More than Mom Summit 2 years in a row and is the host of the podcast The Charis Project: Grace and Intention For Every day life. She can be found at renaefieck.com
5 Steps to Break Free From Clutter
Renae Fieck’s Podcast: The Charis Project
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is brought to you by Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Stay tuned for insider tips we're going to share during the episode.
Today's guest is Renae Fieck. We met through Flood Church in San Diego nearly a decade ago, and Renae has gone on to launch multiple projects online to help people manage their time and their lives better. Today we're going to talk about quick tips that you can implement daily to feel less overwhelmed with your schedule or your home clutter, and ideally to lead a happier and more fulfilling life.
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Renae.
Renae Fieck: Thank you for having me.
Laura Dugger: Well, for any listeners who have not met you yet, will you just start us off by telling us a bit about yourself?
Renae Fieck: My name is Renae, and I am a mom of three. My oldest is almost eight, and then my youngest is nearly three. I am a pediatric occupational therapist, and I know, in my core, I'm an entrepreneur. And so I'm always juggling and multitasking a hundred different things. [00:01:29]
Laura Dugger: I know that you're passionate about helping people create space in their life. So where did that passion originate?
Renae Fieck: Probably about three years ago, my husband and I were on vacation for our 10-year anniversary in Hawaii. At the time, my youngest was six months old, and my husband had been diagnosed with a brain tumor almost a year prior or had his surgery almost a year prior. So he had had a brain tumor, and so we had spent that year navigating brain tumor, brain tumor removal, seizures, new pregnancy, new job, and all of the things that went along with that.
There was a point in that year where I was driving him back and forth to work. I was taking care of all of the kids. And then, just as nature would have it, when you don't have somebody that can drive, all the responsibilities of all the other household stuff kind of fell on me. I felt so exhausted and wiped out that when I was on vacation in Hawaii, I literally wanted to walk away from all of it. [00:02:32]
I wanted to walk away from motherhood, from my spouse. I wanted to set up camp in Hawaii and stay in Hawaii for the rest of my life. So I broke down in this place where I felt like I should have been the happiest ever, being married with three kids and healthy family at that point, but I wasn't. And so I realized that there was something I needed to do differently in my life in order to get that joy back.
Laura Dugger: Wow, huge change. Your husband gets diagnosed with a brain tumor, when that occurred in your life, you intentionally created space in your own schedule. Is that right?
Renae Fieck: Yeah. I knew that whatever I was doing wasn't working, and me managing all of it wasn't working, and that just going by the day-to-day wasn't actually bringing me joy. I knew that I wanted to be a mom, I knew I wanted to be married, and yet it wasn't making me happy.
So what was it? Was there something I had to do different in order to feel happy and to make that? [00:03:34] I had to start with my internal workings and how I was delegating my time and how I was creating my space in my home and what my priorities in life really were and how I was being intentional. That's how it kind of all got started.
Laura Dugger: If you don't mind sharing, what were a few of those practical tips? Maybe something someone could replicate today, things that really helped you.
Renae Fieck: I think the biggest thing for me has been really checking in with my mindset and being really aware of kind of that mental chatter that's going on inside and those voices that maybe we're not really recognizing or we're not really aware that they're there.
I have a friend of mine. Her name is Leeana Tankersley. She wrote an amazing book, and she calls them soul bullies. And I really like that word for soul bullies because they're those voices that are inside just kind of telling us that we're not good enough, we can't hold it together, that we're not managing it well enough, we're not the amazing mom that we want to be. [00:04:34]
Kind of tuning into those soul bullies and really being aware of them has been one of the biggest things that has been life-changing for me. Because when you start to expose them and recognize them, then you can create truths that combat them and you can start to rewrite that story.
So all of those times when you feel like you are failing or those times when you feel like you don't have enough or you feel like your kids are stressing you out or you're ungrateful for where you're at, if you start to recognize those thoughts, then you can replace them with the actual truths and the statements that you want to have as truths in your life. And that's when I feel like you can really unleash that internal working and changing your life.
That would probably be one of my biggest ones. I think that that has been one of the biggest ways to help me let go of the mom guilt and recognize that I can't manage it all. I have so much going on.
Just as a quick little story, I totally spaced bringing snack to my daughter's preschool last week. [00:05:38] At the end of the day when I realized it, at the end of the day, and so I couldn't rectify it that day, I felt kind of miserable. And I listened to all of those thoughts that were going on inside like, Oh my gosh, you've got way too much on your plate. You can't manage it. Like you need to let go of something else. How are you not a good mom? Like you can't even remember snack at school."
When I started to recognize that those thoughts were going through my head, I was able to stop them and replace them with, You know what? It's just snack. The kids are fine. They had snack probably leftover from a previous snack or the school had snack and that's okay. My priority is my children and loving my children and worrying about snack and letting it define who I am as a mom is not okay.
I think that that's been one of the biggest things for me is kind of recognizing that internal chatter, replacing it with truths and using it as a way to kind of let go of mom guilt, let go of the expectations other people have on you. It's really simple to do is just like quick little check-ins throughout the day. [00:06:48]
Laura Dugger: I love that because it's emphasizing more talking to yourself rather than listening to those soul bullies. You mentioned that that was your internal change. And then externally, I'm very curious. You mentioned even… was it decluttering your house? Or what were some of the other external life changes you made?
Renae Fieck: Yeah. So I wouldn't call myself a minimalist, but I'm definitely moving in that direction. I think a lot of it is because I realized so much of my time was being spent taking care of the things in my space. I was doing laundry. I was doing dishes. I was shuffling people back and forth. I was constantly stepping on Legos and feeling like I was nagging at my kids nonstop to pick up their stuff.
There was this turning point when my dad was watching my kids when I was on a trip with my husband, our first trip away ever without our kids. And my dad had made a comment about the fact that when I got back, I was going to find a lot of my stuff in the trash. [00:07:50] I think it was his way of kind of inclining that we just had too much stuff. A lot of it was stuff that I didn't need.
I was really attached at that point to a lot of the stuff and thought, no, no, no, you can't get rid of this stuff because these are toys. These are things that my kids enjoy. This is stuff that we use. And it really helped me realize that it is all just stuff. And that stuff is clogging up my time with the things that really matter to me. And it's taking away my time with my priorities, which are my children and my family. At the end of the day, I would much rather be hanging out at the park or the beach or playing with my kids than worrying about laundry and dishes and cleaning up my house.
So we have spent the last couple of years really offloading and getting rid of stuff. I wouldn't call myself... is it Marie Kondo? I think that's her name. I'm not to that point of like, does each item in my house bring me joy? [00:08:49] But I definitely go through the day... when I'm picking things up and putting things away, I ask myself, do I really need this item? And I'm letting throwing it away or donating it be kind of my default rather than just putting it away.
Laura Dugger: Are there any specific items that have been the most freeing to let go of?
Renae Fieck: I don't know if it's items in particular. I think it's just the accumulation of stuff and recognizing that I don't need stuff to make me happy. I don't need stuff to enjoy time with my kids. My kids actually don't need it either. We actually spend more time together and have more fun together when we're not picking all the stuff up.
So it's helped me embrace no and being able to tell no to people and respecting my time because I'm also being really respectful of the things that come into my house and being really intentional about those things that are in my house and in my calendar, not just in one space. So I think it really comes to simplification and decluttering your whole life, your time, and your space and being really mindful of what you allow to infiltrate your life. [00:09:58]
Laura Dugger: That definitely makes sense. For you as a multitasker, it's now opened up these opportunities. You've launched various projects like the Motherhood Summit and now a new podcast. I would love to know through all of your interviews, if you had to narrow it down to your top three favorite takeaways, what would you say they are?
Renae Fieck: My top three takeaways I think out of everything is that less is really more. I think in our society it's so easy to add so much to our calendars where we can do anything from our phones. Sometimes we look at that as being simple and easy and it's actually giving us more time. But I think it's actually taking away time from our life. I think less is more.
Looking at where you can cut things from your life and where you can actually be really intentional is a big thing that I've learned over the last couple of years. I think also that internal dialogue, that mental piece that I talked about and how you can actually really change your life when you start to think about what you're telling yourself and those thoughts that you're putting in your head and that you're speaking and how you can use those as kind of self-fulfilling prophecies. [00:11:18]
Those are the two biggest pieces is that you don't always have to add more to your life in order to achieve what you want or to be happy. That less is actually where you find that. And then being really aware of those thoughts that you're telling yourself.
Laura Dugger: It seems like you've been on a health journey as well. When you're saying less is more, is health one of those things that you're now focusing on more than you used to?
Renae Fieck: Completely. I hated anything health-related when I was a kid. I can remember my mom doing like buns of steel and abs of steel workout videos in our garage when I was a kid. And I was like, "Oh, that is not something I will ever do."
And even into college and things. I remember we'd go for a walk and my mom would say, "Oh, let's do some lunges." And I'd say, "No, thank you. It was never a big priority to me." And I've learned that taking care of my body and taking care of my mind and taking care of my family, it all goes together. We can't trade one thing for the other. [00:12:18]
If you want to be the best mom or the best wife or the best friend or anything like that, you have to take care of yourself first. You have to have the energy. You have to have the stamina. You have to have the clarity. You have to have it all.
So taking care of my body has been a huge piece of that. It's not just one or the other, I think, is the big piece. You have to take care of your home, your space that isn't around you. You have to take care of your calendar. You have to take care of your body in order for you to actually be able to take care of anything else in your life.
Laura Dugger: Well, and now after you've put these resources out on the internet, a lot of people come to you for coaching tips. Are you hearing any recurring frustrations from people?
Renae Fieck: Time. People always tell me that's the number one thing I hear is I don't have enough time. I think that it partly comes down to our mindset and the way we look at time. Because we all have the same 24 hours in a day. [00:13:20]
Sometimes I know we wish we had 48 hours but at the end of it, we all have the same 24 but yet somehow it seems like some people manage their time better. Or maybe it's just the perception. And that could be part of that internal dialogue, you know, that we're saying when we're like, how does that person manage to get it all done? And I can't. I'm sitting over here floundering.
So I would really challenge anybody that maybe is listening, and that would be their number one excuse for anything that they want in their life. Whether it be taking care of their house or their health or a date night or whatever it may be that they want. I can almost guarantee that time is going to be that number one hurdle that people bring up is that I don't have enough time. [00:14:03]
So my challenge would be that instead of letting busy be your default word, you know, 90% of the time if somebody asks you how you're doing, you're going to reply with busy. So my challenge would be to kind of reframe that and rethink that.
Instead of letting busy be your default response, what other response could you say instead? If you try this, it's really hard. Because we've gotten so used to saying busy. My life is busy. I have so much to do.
I think you can really turn around that, number one, by the language that you use around it and not allowing yourself to believe you're busy. And setting, you know, words around "I can get this done. I can make it happen. I can figure it out. Yes, I have a lot of stuff on my to-do list today, but at the end of the day, I'm going to make it happen. It's going to work. I'm going to figure it out." I think just that intention shifts it big time.
Then the second thing that I would recommend is blocking your time. Oftentimes we waste so much time in our day. We spend it scrolling social media. We waste it just daydreaming. We waste it shuffling between different tasks. [00:15:12] We try to multitask and we're not actually getting anything accomplished.
I think setting really blocks of time can be really powerful to help create more time. So instead of trying to clean your house all day long, if you set what I call like a power hour where you spend one hour, maybe a half an hour, whatever works for you, and you turn off any sort of distractions, you turn off your phone, you turn off the TV, you turn off anything you can and you spend really intentional time in that one-hour cleaning.
Then outside of that time, you don't worry about cleaning. You don't worry about the laundry. You don't worry about whatever. I think that oftentimes that's where we get caught up is the multitasking and the switching between tasks. We're less efficient. We get less done with that.
So many times as moms, that's what our life looks like, right? We're constantly juggling and we're constantly multitasking. So it's no wonder that we feel like we never have enough time. So being really aware of that upfront, creating those spaces in your time where maybe before you do your cleaning power hour, maybe you sit down on the floor and you spend 30 minutes totally playing with your kids, like engaged, no cell phone, no cleaning, no nothing. [00:16:29] Like you play with your kids for 30 minutes.
Oftentimes when you spend that really intentional time, they're going to want less of your time and that will give you 30 more minutes to do your cleaning power hour. So I think setting up real specific, real blocked times where you know I'm going to spend 30 minutes doing this and then I'm going to move on can be really powerful to help unleash that time. And then watching your language around it.
Laura Dugger: It just reminds me of a quote — I don't want to botch it — from Dave Ramsey. But he said something like this. "If you want to do well with your finances, don't take advice from broke people." Take advice from rich people.
I think it's that same mentality. You're saying we all have the same 24 hours in a day. So if you're wanting a mentor in this or this is an area of life that you want to improve your time management, maybe seek out someone who's a little bit further along and they do a great job managing their time. [00:17:22] And you want to talk to those people and see what they're doing.
Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: You and I knew each other from church years ago. Do you feel like God has played a part in really grabbing your attention and making this big life change?
Renae Fieck: I do. I think that so much of what I've learned and the little principles that I've learned over the last couple of years have been things I think I've heard my entire life. They're meditate on my word and be still and know Me. And all of these little principles, like treat your body as a temple, these things that I feel like were so ingrained in my head as a growing up Christian in the church person that I started to not really take them to heart and I didn't actually put them into practice. [00:19:20]
Now that I'm actually putting them into practice and I'm helping people, it's kind of brought it full circle in the sense of these are truths and principles that have been there from biblical days. They're foundational. I do feel like so much of what I've learned has been stuff I've heard over and over and over again, but yet it took this meltdown moment in Hawaii for God to really open up and say, there are so many other people that have heard these truths too, but they're not actually implementing them and they don't understand them and they don't realize how powerful they can actually be in their life.
Or maybe we've heard it so many times that we've just let it be like, Oh yeah, that works, but we never actually put it into practice, if that makes sense.
Laura Dugger: My husband, Mark, always says, wisdom is knowledge applied. And you're saying you took this knowledge from the Bible and you're actually applying it to your life and it's creating a huge impact. So on this topic of time, practically speaking, now that you have three kids, how do you find time to do all these things that you love? Will you walk us through what your typical week looks like? [00:20:30]
Renae Fieck: Yeah. I do have a lot on my plate and I've gotten really good about not saying I'm really busy. But I do have a lot. I work part-time. I work two full 10-hour days at the hospital here. So I have two days of my week that are pretty much devoted to that. So in the morning, it's getting up and getting shuffled out the door and then working all day and coming home.
I get home after dinner and before the kids go to bed. So really on those days, most of my time when I'm home is spent just with the kids, like helping get bedtime together. And it can feel kind of chaotic. And so I really make that time that I'm putting them to bed.
I try to make it intentional. I try not to get distracted by my phone and know that like, Okay, I've got one hour with my kids right now and that's all I've got today, and so I'm going to make that meaningful for me.
Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday are my days where I'm home most of the time. I've got kids or, you know, I'm shuffling between the typical errands of dental appointments and oil changes and all of that, like getting all of that done. [00:21:39]
When I think back at my schedule, it's really those power-blocked times that I have found that have enabled me to get through it all. I know that on Tuesday mornings is when I do all my cleaning and Tuesday afternoons is when we go to Costco or the grocery store and we get all of our shopping done. Wednesday nights is Girl Scouts.
I'm just really intentional about what gets put on my time and where my time goes. And then it's those extraneous things like the kids snack that I told you about that weren't on my calendar, that I didn't get on there, that those are the things where my ball gets dropped is if it's not a priority on my schedule.
But I think that overall, like when I look at my days and I look at my time, it's really those power hour scheduled times. And if you looked at my Google calendar, I have everything blocked in there. I have time for my workout. I have time for journaling. I have time for playing with my kids. I have time for cooking. I have it all on my calendar so that I know where my time is being spent, [00:22:43] and it's not getting wasted in random things, if that makes sense.
But it also has blank space. It has space where there is room for things to pop up or room for us to go play and have fun. I really make having play time and fun time and blank space-time, I make it a priority to be on my schedule. It's not just the extra, if that makes sense.
Laura Dugger: It does. And I think equally as important, what do you find that you're saying no to in this season?
Renae Fieck: To be completely honest, my no time has been really in the area of friends. I have a lot of friends that I connect with digitally and on the phone and things like that. But actually, one-on-one in-person time with other people outside of my family is probably the biggest space that I've had to say no to.
Each of my kids get one extra thing outside of school and that's it. Like we're not adding in multiple things for them each day of the week. Or even when it comes down to like baby showers or bridal showers or things like that. Those are oftentimes the things that I say no to. [00:23:53]
In this season, I've just acknowledged that that's okay for me and I'm okay with that. But I would say that overall, that's the biggest one is, like you said, learning to say no. I say no a lot and I say it no easily because I know what my priorities are and my intentions are. And I'm focused solely on those.
So if it doesn't align with something that supports one of my priorities right now, I let go of it. And I say no gracefully and understand that they don't know my life. And if they're upset about that, that's okay.
Laura Dugger: I think that's a great point, though, that you do start with a vision casting and you start with, what are my priorities? And then that helps inform where your time and budget is going to go and where you're going to say no.
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So as you're being so intentional with these blocks of time, when do you actually sit down and draw out your calendar?
Renae Fieck: Well, I've tried doing a paper calendar and it never worked for me because I felt like I didn't have the time to actually sit down and do the calendar so precisely. So I love Google. I've created different calendars in my one Google calendar. So each one has a different color. So it auto imports all of those routine tasks, those things that are on my schedule on a week-to-week basis.
So it makes it easy that I'm not adding in, you know, the same things over and over and over again every week. I can just quickly look at my week ahead and know what's coming up for that week that maybe is out of the ordinary or something that's different or of that nature. [00:26:13]
So it makes the calendar planning pretty easy because I can kind of quickly get a glance. You know, Sunday night. I can look forward to the week that's coming and just know, Oh, on Thursday we have a dentist appointment that's not usually there or something of that nature. But those routine tasks and those things that are there ongoing, they're just on my calendar without even thinking about it.
Laura Dugger: Oh, I think that's huge having those reoccurring routines or habits. So breaking it down then like cooking or working out or cleaning. You're not saying you do all of those things every day, but you have a time designated at least once, maybe multiple times per week. Is that right?
Renae Fieck: Yeah. There's a few little habits that I consistently do. I just ran a decluttering challenge, like kind of sharing a lot of those. But I do have some habits like my two-minute rule, where if there's something I can accomplish in two minutes, I try to do it right then rather than procrastinating it.
So that might be when you come in from your house and you take your shoes off rather than just leaving them by the door. Can you go hang them up right away? Or when you get done with your dishes or dinner and you're putting the dishes in the sink, can you rinse them and put them in the dishwasher right away? [00:27:24]
And so if you can do those things in two minutes or less, I recommend doing them right away so that they don't pile up. Because oftentimes what happens is it's not so much the managing all of our household stuff that gets burdensome. It's the fact that we're doing it all the time and that we have so much piled up that we feel like we never make progress. So it's kind of this ongoing thing.
So I have my two-minute rule and then I do a 10-minute sweep every night. So every night the kids and I all go through and clean up as much as we possibly can. I want everything in the floor or on my flat surfaces in my living room and kitchen space to be put away almost every night. And when you do that, it makes it much more manageable to keep up with on an ongoing basis.
The only way that it really makes it super manageable is when you get rid of stuff and you have left stuff. So it makes putting it away so much simpler every night. I do try to go to bed every night with my kitchen clean, my living room clean and the kids' bedrooms clean. But I think it's because we've created this habit of taking 10 or 15 minutes every night and doing it. [00:28:27]
I can tell you that my floor is not clean. I don't know when the last time it's been mopped or the last time I've cleaned the toilets in the bathrooms. But as far as the clutter and the stuff, I try to make it a habit of getting it taken care of every day.
Laura Dugger: After hearing this message, some people may want to dive a little deeper. So do you have any resources or podcasts or scripture references, anything that you would like to direct listeners towards?
Renae Fieck: Yeah. I have two free downloads you can do on my website. One of them is in regards to the clutter. It's like my five steps to declutter. So if you're looking for more practical tips like my two-minute rule or my 10-minute sweep or things like that, you can download that.
It also goes into how you manage to do it with grace. Like how do you give yourself the space to let some of that stuff rest so that you can actually enjoy and not focus on like your house has to be clean all the time.
Then the other one is my five essentials to creating a life you love. [00:29:30] So this goes into more of that mindset and kind of surrounding yourself with people that are going to bring you up and those critical pieces that I feel like have helped me get to the place that I am today.
Laura Dugger: That's awesome. We'll definitely link to those in our show notes. Where can listeners specifically find you online?
Renae Fieck: My website is the best place to find me. I have kind of a weird spelling. It's just my first and last name dot com. I'm assuming, Laura, you can just link that. But it's just RenaeFieck.com. That's the best place. That's where I'm putting all of it.
Laura Dugger: Perfect. Well, I love to close with the one question that I ask every guest. And that's because we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. And as my final question today, Renae, what is your savvy sauce?
Renae Fieck: I think that my No. 1 thing would be to check in with that mental chatter and watch how you're talking to yourself. [00:30:30] It's so easy to see other people doing it really well on the internet and compare... I had a person, her name is Jill Savage, she had told me like, that you're comparing your inside reality to somebody's outside reality. So it's that idea of looking at somebody else's outside perception of what's going on in their world, and then you're comparing your inner workings to that.
So putting that on hold and kind of really just checking in with that mental chatter that's going on inside, speaking truth over that and watching how that language is really dictating and steering your life and what it's allowing you to accept opportunities and what opportunities it's having you decline and all of that based on just that internal dialogue.
I think that that would be my biggest thing. And like really learning to retrain that thought process and retrain
that mental chatter and letting go of those soul bullies so that you can create kind of the life that you really want. [00:31:33]
Laura Dugger: It sounds like you've done exactly that. This was really fun to get to connect today and actually document one of our conversations. So thanks for being my guest, Renae
Renae Fieck: Of course, thank you so much for having me.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:32:32]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:33:36]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:34:36]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Aug 26, 2019
Monday Aug 26, 2019
68. Hormones and Simple Changes to Feel SO Much Better with Functional Medicine Expert, Dr. Jill Carnahan
**Transcription Below**
Jeremiah 30:17 (a) NIV “But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the LORD,"
Dr. Jill Carnahan completed her residency at the University of Illinois Program in Family Medicine at Methodist Medical Center. She received her medical degree from Loyola University Stritch School of Medicine in Chicago and her Bachelor of Science degree in Bio-Engineering at the University of Illinois in Champaign-Urbana. She is dually board-certified in Family Medicine and Integrative Holistic Medicine. In 2008, Dr. Carnahan’s vision for health and healing resulted in the creation of Methodist Center for Integrative Medicine in Peoria, IL where she served as the Medical Director for 2 years. In 2010, she founded Flatiron Functional Medicine in Boulder, Colorado where she practices functional medicine with medical partner, Dr. Robert Rountree, author and expert speaker. Dr. Carnahan is also 10-year survivor of breast cancer and Crohn’s disease and passionate about teaching patients how to “live well” and thrive in the midst of complex and chronic illness. She is also committed to teaching other physicians how to address underlying cause of illness rather than just treating symptoms through the principles of functional medicine. She is a prolific writer, speaker, and loves to infuse others with her passion for health & healing!
Environmental Working Group Website
Dr. Jill’s Protein Smoothie Recipe:
· Approximately 1 cup ice cubes
· ½ - 1 ripe banana (frozen and sliced works best; slice and freeze your ripe bananas for smoothies)
· ½ - 1 cup organic frozen berries or other frozen fruit
· 1 scoop protein powder (recommended protein powder: Thorne Vegalite)
· 2 tablespoon of ground flaxseed or Salba Seed
· Handful of fresh spinach or kale (optional)
· Liquid stevia drops to taste (optional)
· Enough water or coconut milk (or other dairy substitute) to cover all the other ingredients – more or less depending on desired consistency.
o For a lower calorie option use ½ water and ½ coconut milk
Process everything in a heavy-duty blender until you get a thick, velvety, and smooth milkshake and enjoy!
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Have you been looking for creative ways to invest in your relationship with your spouse and with your family? You can do this from your home with zero preparation with Night In Boxes. For more information, visit NightInBoxes.com.
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Dr. Jill Carnahan has been on The Savvy Sauce previously, and time with her is gold. We recorded while she was in her office, so I do apologize if you hear some background noise. But you may not even notice because you're going to be so caught up in all the advice and tips she shares.
Today, we're specifically going to have her teach us more about the role of hormones and how to keep them in balance. Here's our chat. [00:01:21]
Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Jill.
Dr. Jill Carnahan: Thank you so much for having me back, Laura.
Laura Dugger: Well, it's always a pleasure. Let's just dive right in today to discussing how hormones impact our lives. So, first, will you just teach us what hormones are and explain what role they play in our bodies?
Dr. Jill Carnahan: You got it. These are messengers that come from different glands in our body. And it's one of the ways that all the different glands, from the adrenals to the thyroid to the pituitary, to, for females, ovaries, and for men, testes, how they all communicate and kind of have... it's like the language, kind of like their email the way they communicate between one another. So a lot of different things affect hormone production.
Hormones really drive a lot of our physiology. The main things that I work with with hormones, with both men and women, are the thyroid. It's a big one for a lot of people. That runs our metabolism. It makes us have normal body temperature, normal metabolism to use calories and to burn up calories and to make and create energy. [00:02:22]
Another one that's real common that we deal with is adrenals. Adrenal glands are glands that sit just on top of the kidneys. They're a little triangular-shaped gland, and they produce mineralocorticoids, and they also produce steroid hormones like cortisol. These things will regulate our blood sugar. They will regulate our hydration. So if we drink and we stay hydrated, part of that is the function of the adrenal glands.
They regulate adrenaline. So if we get in a state of fear or fight or flight or shock, they will actually keep us alive in a situation of trauma or fear or anything that's really difficult, even just a surgery or a physiological stressor.
In women, the ovaries produce all the female hormones, estrogen to testosterone to DHEA and progesterone. And it's this big symphony where... like in women, we have a dominant part of our cycle when we're cycling, menstruating women, that is estrogen-dominant. And then the other half of our cycle, the luteal phase, is progesterone-dominant. That balance is just up and down like a wave for both of those hormones. And they're kind of in yin and yang. One goes up, and the other goes down, and the other goes up, and the other goes down. [00:03:26]
And if that balance is going well, women have no trouble with having children and conceiving and having normal cycles, and they don't have pain or cramping or heavy bleeding.
But so many women we know have endometriosis and polycystic ovarian syndrome where they have acne or hair growth or irregular blood sugars, or they have trouble with uterine fibroids or infertility is a big one. All of these things stem from that symphony being imbalanced.
Then for men, it's a little bit more simple. I always joke because it's actually quite a bit easier to balance male hormones than it is to balance women's hormones. But men have a symphony too. They primarily have androgens, which are the DHEA and testosterone.
And it's interesting because something like autoimmune disease, which I'm sure a lot of your listeners either have or know someone who has, is partially related to, in women it's much more prevalent because they have lower testosterone. Testosterone is one of the things in men that actually helps them to prevent from having a lot of autoimmunity. [00:04:26]
So they have a much more dominant testosterone. They have a little bit of estrogen. In men, if the estrogen gets too high, they will tend to have man boobs and weight gain around the central part of their abdomen. They'll have a low sex drive, low ambition, just drive in general.
There's a lot of chemicals in our environment that stimulate estrogens in both men and women. Sometimes women will have heavy painful periods and fibroids and early breast development. I just talked to a family with an eight-year-old girl with breast development, and that's called precocious puberty. That actually comes from these environmental toxins that are like estrogens to the body.
Then men, the same thing. Some of these environmental toxins that look like estrogens to the body can cause the estrogen symptoms in men, which is no fun for them either.
Then there's pituitary and some hormones up there. Those are all the precursors to these. They're like the directors of the symphony. Those are things like ACTH, which stimulates the adrenal gland, and TRH, which stimulates the thyroid gland, and TSH. And then all of these precursors can actually stimulate the hormones. [00:05:29]
Even though that sounds complicated, that's a simplified version of this really beautiful complex thing that God created in us to direct the symphony.
Laura Dugger: That's amazing. It is so complex. But you mentioned environmental issues. Are there any common top killers of a healthy hormone balance?
Dr. Jill Carnahan: Yeah. If you don't mind, I'm going to digress a little because this puts it all in perspective. I grew up near you on a farm in central Illinois, and they're still in the U.S. used. There's a lot of pesticides and chemicals that are used that are actually banned in countries like in Europe. Some of those chemicals like atrazine and glyphosate and a lot of the organophosphate pesticides, they actually have a really strong estrogen-like and hormonal effect on the body.
I bring it up related to me because at 25 years old, very young, I had breast cancer. And there's no doubt in my mind it was the perfect storm of probable exposures as a young child, possibly in utero before I was born, to some of these estrogen-like chemicals. [00:06:31]
Then my body, genetically, was very poor at detoxifying. So it was kind of the perfect storm to give me a cancer at 25. And what people don't realize is when you have a cancer at 25, that means the hit on your DNA, the damage was probably done 10 or 20 years prior, which means I was a very, very young girl when these hormones and hormone-like chemicals were actually causing or wreaking havoc on my body.
We see that all the time. A lot of the environmental cancers, especially prostate and breast cancers in men and women, are related to this environmental toxic load. The most common things that affect hormones would be phthalates and parabens, which for women are in a lot of your bath and body products.
If you look for anything that says methylparaben or paraben at the end, you can actually look at the label and read this. And you should not be using things with phthalates or parabens in them on your body.
I remember, again, after breast cancer, I realized the toxic load from my bath, my beauty, my cleaning products. It took me a couple of years, but I really went through one by one and tried to get rid of all the toxic chemicals that were being used in my house and on my body. [00:07:37] And it's literally hundreds of things that most of us women use every day.
One resource for your listeners, there's a website that's nonprofit called Environmental Working Group. It's just EWG for EnvironmentalWorkingGroup.org. They have a lot of resources on toxic chemicals. You can look up cosmetics and beauty products and see their rating and see how clean they are. So that might be really helpful if your listeners are looking for ways to clean up that routine because that's actually a lot of where we get our exposure, is the things we put on our body and in our mouth and clean our house with.
Laura Dugger: Wow. That's really helpful to know what to avoid. And then on the other side, are there any proactive lifestyle choices that have been proven to support a healthy endocrine system?
Dr. Jill Carnahan: Yeah. I always say super simple. Even when I'm teaching physicians, I go back to the root. And that is clean air, clean water, clean food. Sounds so basic that you're like, what? But clean air, 80% of our environmental toxic load is from the air we breathe. [00:08:39] And so a lot of our chemicals, mold in particular in houses and different workplaces and things, can cause a really bad problem with the endocrine system. And it's everywhere in a lot of homes that people don't know it, and they have mold from water intrusion. So that's a big one.
Like I mentioned, pesticides. So things as far as clean food, you want to eat organic as much as possible. A lot of people say they can't afford organic, but I'm always apt to say, well, you could pay the farmer or pay the doctor, but I'd rather pay for good food and prevent the hospitalization later on.
There is ways to prioritize. You can look at that same Environmental Working Group. There's a dirty dozen they put out every year, and these are the top 12 produce like celery or strawberries that are sprayed with pesticides. So those, if at all possible, you absolutely want to eat organic. So the food that we eat, organic if possible, non-GMO if possible, because the genetically modified corn, soy, and wheat are heavily sprayed with glyphosate. [00:09:35]
Then the clean air. So having an air filter in your home or workplace, something with a HEPA filter and then also a BOC or volatile organic solvent filter. My two favorites are IQ Air and Austin Air. They make great air filters. I have like four in my office and two at home. So clean air.
Clean water. So just making sure you have a filter at home or that you're drinking pure, clean water. A lot of the well water that I grew up on is contaminated with pesticides and things, and so just making sure you're drinking clean water. And you think, well, let's just go buy bottled water, but the plastic bottles that the bottled water is in is a problem as well. They can contain BPA, which is another endocrine disruptor. So if at all possible, filtered water is great to have at home whenever you can.
Then clean food is just making sure organic. Local if possible, as close to the ground. So as far as if you have your own garden or you have a farmer's market, those are great places. Sometimes I would choose locally grown without pesticides, you know, fresh produce over organic just because it's got so much nutrient density.[00:10:37]
Typically the farmers at the farmer's market, they don't always have certified organic, but they usually do not use a lot of pesticides. So you can just ask those things. Those are really basic, but that alone will help the hormone balance quite a bit.
Laura Dugger: Now let's take a brief break to hear a message from two of our sponsors.
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Laura Dugger: On that topic of food, are there any other foods that we should be aware of that either have hormones in them or that will greatly affect our hormones if we consume them?
Dr. Jill Carnahan: Yes. Great question. Soy is a lot of controversy over. And I found that for most people, especially processed soy, so soy proteins, soy products, fake soy foods, not a good idea. The studies in China and Japan where they should benefit for prevention of breast cancer were solely using fermented soy. And that would be like miso and tempeh.
So those alone would be a decent source of soy, probably safe. But any other processed soy should really be avoided by most women if at all possible and especially by men.
Broccoli, cauliflower, cruciferous vegetables contain a special thing called sulforaphanes and these are really powerful to protect against breast cancer. So I'd actually recommend consuming leafy greens and cruciferous vegetables as protection for breast cancer and for the hormone effects as well. [00:14:07]
Laura Dugger: I know I've heard you give examples like, have a nutrient-packed smoothie every morning and put leafy greens in there. Are there any other ways that we could incorporate these healthy foods into our diet in an easy way?
Dr. Jill Carnahan: Oh, such a great question. First of all, cooking with fresh spices, so I literally buy the herbs raw. Like whole. I do have some dried spices in my cabinet, but if you can buy the packs or grow your own, it's super easy. I don't have a whole garden, but I have a balcony with a flower box and I put my herbs on my balcony.
These fresh herbs, oregano, thyme, rosemary, rosemary has a wonderful breast protective effect, are actually really powerful for protection against hormone-related cancers. And they're delicious. Other things you could do is of course the teas and things.
And you mentioned a smoothie. So let me just talk for those of you who aren't used to making a smoothie. How would you do that? The reason it's so powerful is number one, it's easy. Number two, it's something you can put a ton of nutrient-dense things into and consume it all at once and get a lot of nutrition and a lot of bang for your buck. [00:15:08]
There are so many people who want to lose weight and be more healthy and the best science shows that weight loss occurs when we do some sort of a meal replacement. So this works really well as a breakfast meal replacement. And if you start your day with something that's a really good protein, fat mix, and not a lot of refined carbs, it will affect your blood sugar throughout the whole day.
So what you eat for breakfast is going to affect your cravings for the rest of the day. So if you have a bagel and orange juice, you're going to have the blood sugar will rise up, insulin will follow. Two to three hours later, you'll be starving hungry. And if you're at the office and there's brownies, you're going to have one. So you're following the cravings and that insulin and glucose surge all day long.
If you instead have either something like eggs and turkey and spinach or a smoothie, you're going to be much more stable through the morning. You won't have a spike in glucose or insulin. Then later in the day, you'll have lunch but you'll be very controlled. You won't have a lot of cravings. [00:16:06]
So back to smoothie. Basics are get a good blender. I love my Vitamix for this. But not everyone has to have a $500 blender to do a smoothie. You can do a basic blender. You can even buy those little Nutribullets and things that are quick and easy.
Bottom line is you want some leafy greens for sure. There's a lot of powerhouse. Probably one of the most powerful nutrient-rich foods is things like kale and spinach and other leafy greens. So that's one of the basics, a couple handfuls of that.
I like to have people find a clean protein powder. A lot of people hear about whey protein. Not a bad idea but a lot of people are sensitive to dairy and cannot use whey. And I don't recommend soy. So your alternatives are rice and pea proteins and most of the patients I see do some combination. Some of them are on a grain-free diet and so they'll use a collagen powder or a bone broth or some sort of a protein that's from an animal source. And any of those are okay.
But that's your protein source. And usually, you want 20 to 30 grams of protein. It's usually in one scoop of that protein powder and that will keep you full. [00:17:04] Then you want to use some alternative milk. I typically don't recommend cow's dairy because most cow's dairy has a lot of hormones. That's another source and a lot of people are really sensitive to regular U.S. dairy. So I recommend coconut, almond, hemp, some alternative milk that you're not sensitive to.
Then other things you can throw in there are parsley, cilantro, chia or flaxseed are great fiber sources. And then berries are one of your best low-glycemic fruits. So I usually recommend people buy a bag of organic frozen berries or raspberry, strawberry, blueberry, blackberry. That would be your best source of fruit.
If you do like a mango, banana, smoothie, all fruit, all high-glycemic, you end up having a big sugary drink. So it's pretty important to choose low-glycemic fruits and then make sure you have the leafy greens. Make sure you have the protein powder.
Some people will add a little bit of MCT oil which is a fat that's really good for the brain and metabolism. Some people will add a banana to make it a little bit more of the texture. When you put a banana either frozen or fresh in there, it makes it much more creamy. [00:18:05] If you put a frozen banana in, it's going to taste more like ice cream. But the banana is higher glycemic. So if someone has a real problem with blood sugar, then I would do without the banana.
Then literally you can throw cumin, that orange spice, ginger. And for me, I'll buy those fresh whole – they're like roots at the store and I'll grate them into my smoothie. So literally fresh turmeric, fresh ginger, whatever flavors you like. I actually love cinnamon and cinnamon is good for blood sugar regulation. So I will often put a teaspoon of cinnamon in there and it's just delicious with that. You can say vanilla, strawberry, cinnamon, spinach smoothie. It's really good.
Laura Dugger: This is awesome because just knowing what step to take can be really motivating. So if somebody is maybe a little bit overwhelmed with this conversation and they want to know why would I make all these lifestyle changes, can you just sell us on what they'll experience if they do incorporate these ideas?
Dr. Jill Carnahan: You got it because it is hard to start. [00:19:05] What I would do is don't feel like, okay, tomorrow I've got to do this, and you don't have anything you need. Preparation is the key to success. They always say if you want to succeed, the prep and the thought out, the plan is going to make you successful.
So if you're thinking, if you're listening today and thinking about it, it sounds like a good idea, it sounds a little bit overwhelming, what you can do is frozen berries will last a long time in your freezer. So first of all, stock up on a few bags of frozen berries. Really the only ingredient here that's going to go bad or that you have to get every week is your fresh leafy greens. But even those will probably last in your fridge a week.
So you stock up on leafy greens. You get some frozen berries. You get some coconut milk or almond milk. And most of these things are easy because it's not going to require a trip to the grocery store every day. So you get the basics there. I could certainly give you my smoothie recipe to share with everyone. Would that be helpful?
Laura Dugger: That would be awesome. I'll link to that in the show notes.
Dr. Jill Carnahan: You got it. And then get a blender. Again, you do not have to invest in a real expensive one. If you find you love this and you want it, you can ask for your birthday or Christmas and get a Vitamix because it's really amazing. [00:20:06] But you don't have to have a big old, you know, fancy blender.
You can even use a shaker cup if you're using protein coconut milk. You just can't blend up the spinach and strawberries. So a really basic version would be a shaker cup, a scoop of protein powder. You can buy powdered wheatgrass juice.
So if I'm on the go, I'll do a scoop of protein powder, plant-based protein powder, some coconut milk, some chia seed, and a scoop, like a tablespoon of wheatgrass juice. And it's in a powdered form. And that way you don't even need a blender. If I'm in a hotel or traveling, I can do a smoothie just in a shaker cup really easy.
So what I'd recommend is you prepare. Think about what you want to do. And most of the time when we cheat on ice cream or cookies or whatever, it's one of two things. Most of us, many of us have families. And so people in our house that aren't really eating the same as us. And if we have teenagers or kids, there's going to be stuff in the house that maybe we wouldn't consume but it's going to be there. And you may not be able to control that. [00:21:00]
But one of the really success tips is go through your pantry. If you have a choice to get rid of all the junk, the stuff that you don't want to be tempted with... I live alone with two puppies. So it's really easy. I don't have any gluten, dairy, soy, sugar, alcohol. I don't have any of that in my house. I can't even cheat if I want to. I don't have ice cream. I don't have any of that. My fridge is literally teas, waters, sparkling waters, leafy greens, fresh berries, fresh fruits, and vegetables, sometimes like chicken or fish. That's it. So it's super easy.
Nuts and seeds are in the cabinet. So that's my snack. But it makes it so easy because if I have a weak moment, I don't have to worry about it because I would have to drive to the store in order to get something.
What you'll find with these smoothies if you're just starting out is it really satisfies you and your cravings are going to change. What I'd recommend, if you're like, new year, new ideas, I want to do this, commit to 30 days.
With your plan to do the smoothies, I would actually recommend that you take out three things that are going to sabotage you. That's gluten, cow's milk, dairy, and sugar. I can almost guarantee you this is... you're getting about $1,000 of advice for free here. Because when my patients first come in, this is one thing that I do for almost everyone. [00:22:10]
Go off gluten, dairy, and sugar for a month. Try the smoothies in the morning. Just that alone, you will feel so good after 30 days that it will be motivating for you to continue. Many people will have brain fog gone. They've lost eight pounds. They're sleeping better. They have no joint pain. They have no muscle pain. There's amazing things that happen when you clean up the diet.
Laura Dugger: Wow. You are such a wealth of information. So if listeners do want to learn more, Dr. Jill, where can they find you online?
Dr. Jill Carnahan: Thanks, Laura. You can just visit my website, which is my name, Jillcarnahan.com. I have lots and lots of free resources. If you want to look up an elimination diet or the smoothie recipe, you can actually go to my blog and search. And those will all come up. They're all free.
Laura Dugger: For our team, it makes our day to read a new five-star rating and review on iTunes. Here's one that came in recently from HLS2006. They write, "I love Laura's ability to draw fascinating people and perspectives around her, then use her excellent interview skills and questions to provide practical, thoughtful applications to transformative ideas. She's not afraid of big topics like money, sex, and purpose, but she handles them with grace and curiosity that invites the listeners' private fears and questions into open conversation. Fantastic podcast." [00:23:30]
Wow, that was humbling to read, but you have no idea how grateful our entire team is that you took the time to share those nice words. When HLS left this review, that person was actually responsible for helping The Savvy Sauce podcast go around the world because iTunes seems to promote our podcast more when we get more ratings and reviews.
This reputation has provided us the opportunity to bring some amazing guests your way, and we hope you continue to leave positive feedback. Thanks for your help.
If this is anyone's first time listening, we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so I have one final question for you today, Dr. Jill. What is your savvy sauce?
Dr. Jill Carnahan: This is going to maybe sound out of context, but it's something I've recently learning and reading. I'm someone who all my life has been a pleaser, and it's a really good thing trying to make people around me happy and comfortable. But what I found is this savvy sauce that we're talking about, I just heard the phrase clear is kind, unclear is unkind. [00:24:33] And I thought that has hit me so deeply in the last week or so because I think, oh, I don't want to burden them. But when you think about clear is kind, and that's with your expectations with your spouse, with your children at work, clear is kind, unclear is actually unkind.
And some of us who are a little bit more empathetic and we feel deeply and we want to make sure everybody's comfortable, I'm just speaking for myself, that ability to be clear is a little harder. But I was so touched this last week with clear is kind because it really helps to be more clear with the people in our life about our expectations. And I think in general, that's actually a way more kind way to live.
Laura Dugger: That's an awesome and challenging savvy sauce. Dr. Jill, it's always such a pleasure to interview you. Thank you for making yourself so accessible. I really enjoyed our time together today.
Dr. Jill Carnahan: Thank you, Laura, and I hope to talk again soon.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. [00:25:35] Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. [00:26:37] Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. [00:27:45]
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time. [00:28:40]
Monday Aug 19, 2019
Monday Aug 19, 2019
67. Thriving at Work, Home, and Life with Author, Blogger, Podcaster, and Business Owner, Crystal Paine
**Transcription Below**
1 Timothy 4:16 (AMP) “Pay close attention to yourself [concentrate on your personal development] and to your teaching; persevere in these things [hold to them], for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.”
Crystal Paine is the founder of MoneySavingMom.com, host of The Crystal Paine Show podcast, New York Times bestselling author of Say Goodbye to Survival Mode and author of the book, Money-Making Mom. Crystal started MoneySavingMom.com in 2007 to provide practical strategies to help women cut their grocery bill and and live on less than they make. It has grown to be one of the top personal finance blogs on the web averaging over 1.5 million unique visitors per month. In 2017, Crystal started another blog, YourBloggingMentor.com, to teach beginning to intermediate bloggers how to make a part-time to full-time income blogging. She offers courses and blog coaching at YourBloggingUniversity.com. Crystal has been featured on Good Morning America and FOX Business, she's been spotlighted in articles inWoman's DayandAll Youmagazine; and has earned nods via The Today Show, National Public Radio, CNN, USA Weekend,Shop Smartmagazine,Real Simplemagazine, and numerous other national outlets. Her desire is to help women across the globe live with more passion, purpose and intention in their everyday lives. She lives in the Nashville, TN area with her husband and three kids.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Crystal’s Websites:
Chasing Excellence by Ben Bergeron
Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero
The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey
Sacred Rest by Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith
Banana Chocolate Chip Muffin Recipe
Crystal Painel’s Favorite Decaf Teas
Crystal Paine’s Blog Posts:
How I Drink a Gallon of Water Every Day
How I Listen to Audiobooks for Free
Crystal Paine's Social Media Handles: @themoneysavingmom @yourbloggingmentor
Say Good-Bye to Survival Mode by Chrystal Paine
The Money-Saving Mom’s Budget by Chrystal Paine
Money-Making Mom by Crystal Paine
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Neal Beer with Country Financial
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:01] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's sponsor is Neal Beer. Neal is a country financial representative located in Germantown Hills, Illinois. He focuses on risk management as part of a good financial plan. You can find him online or give him a call today at (309) 383-2566. Thanks for your sponsorship.
My guest, Crystal Paine, embodies our tagline of sharing practical chats for intentional living. She is a work-at-home mom who's been helping families gain control of their finances and be purposeful in the way they spend their lives. She's an author, blogger, podcaster, and business owner.
Today you can expect to learn how to have an abundant life as it relates to anything going on in your own season, whether that's at work, stewarding your money well, or investing in the most meaningful relationships around you. No doubt you will leave with plenty of simple ideas to implement.
Here's our chat.
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Crystal.
Crystal Paine: I'm so excited to be here.
Laura Dugger: Let's just begin with you sharing a glimpse of your story with us. So my husband and I got married about 16 years ago. We had set this goal that we were going to go through law school and we were going to stay out of debt.
That's really kind of what started my journey of having an online business and all of that because we were starting in and I was working part-time as a nanny for some different families. And then I found out that I was pregnant. And I was super excited to be pregnant, but then also super sick. So I had to come home and just really pave a path from the bed to the bathroom for a number of months.
While I was in bed, just started researching everything that I could about making money online and just fell into blogging. From there, I never ever, ever would have dreamed I'd be doing what I am doing today. But, you know, to look back and see God's hand through that, those lean law school years, and then how God was really paving the way for this business and this ministry that my husband and I do together full-time now, we just never could have dreamed or envisioned that.
I have three kids. They're 14, 11, and 9. And three businesses kind of sort of because of Money Saving Mom. Then I have End Your Blogging Mentor, which is another blog that I run. And then I have Your Blogging University, which is where I teach people to make a part-time to full-time income from blogging. [00:02:53] So between that and just life and then serving our church, life is very full.
Laura Dugger: Well, it's been incredible. For those listening who have never checked it out before, it's MoneySavingMom.com that you can start with online. I love it there when you post about the amazing books that you've read recently. I would just love to know, how do you prioritize reading with everything else that you have going on?
Crystal Paine: I think it starts with the desire to make reading a priority and then figuring out, okay, where am I going to fit it in in my life? Where are those cracks of time that I can fit it in? So for me right now in this season of life, because of my kids being older and there's a lot more responsibilities for me with that, just a lot of activities and things, and they just want to stay up late at night and talk, which used to be kind of a time that I would read, I have been moving more toward audiobooks. [00:03:47]
So I love the Libby app. It is a free app that you can get through your library, and they have books that you can check out. I typically listen to books while I am doing my hair and my makeup in the morning, and then also when I am driving, if I'm by myself, or if I'm cleaning or cooking.
That's where I fit in the bulk of my reading is through listening. But then also in little bits of time, I always have a real book going as well. I read a lot last weekend. I was sitting at my son's football practice, and so I got some reading in there. I will read if I'm just waiting at a doctor's office. I always have a book with me. I found that if you just always have a book with you, you'll find those little cracks of time to fit in reading.
Laura Dugger: That's such great advice, because if we're waiting for this 30 minutes of uninterrupted time, it may be less likely to happen. So that's a good tip. If you had to name your top five most transformational books of all time, what would they be? [00:04:47]
Crystal Paine: This is like asking me which kid is my favorite, because I've read so many books over the years. Because since the time that I was young, I've just been a voracious reader. The first would be the Bible, absolutely.
But then also Abandoned to God by David McCasland. That is a book that I read when I was in my early teens, and that I just really see that God used to save me. And it just had a really powerful impact on the trajectory of my life. So I always look to that book as one of the most impactful books.
Then I'm going to cheat a little bit, and I'm going to say the top three books from 2018, because that was easier for me to come up with five. So that was Mom Set Free by Jeannie Cunnion. That book is just really fantastic. If you are a mom who is struggling with feeling burdened by the weight of perfectionism, or you're feeling like you need to be doing more or trying harder, or you're just not doing enough, or you're failing your kids, it's a fantastic read for that. [00:05:49]
Also Chasing Excellence by Ben Bergeron. He is a CrossFit coach. I've done some CrossFit, and I love to watch the CrossFit athletes, but I'm not this huge CrossFit person. However, this book was so... just really deeply touched me and kind of motivated me at this core level, because when he talked about excellence, and I realized how I'd kind of gotten this rut of chasing after mediocrity. I was like, it's working. It's good. It's okay. And that's not how I want to live my life.
As a result of reading that book in 2018, I chose the word "excellence" for 2019 and just really changed a lot of how I was approaching my life as a result of it. So even if you're not an athlete or don't care about CrossFit, I feel like there's a lot of value in that.
And then finally, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. This is by Peter Scazzero. I think that's how you pronounce his last name. It's all about how your emotional health and your spiritual health are so intertwined and how often we have so much baggage from our past that we are carrying around that we are living out of.
And so we're acting out of these hurts in our past that we've never worked through and these wounds in our past, and how when we go back and we work through those things, it gives us so much more ability to live in a healthy manner and approach life in a much more healthy manner. [00:07:15]
Laura Dugger: Wow. That's such a well-rounded list of books. Thanks for sharing. We will definitely link to all of those in our show notes and on our "Resources" tab. From your years of experience as a money-saving expert, what trends do you see where people are overspending in general?
Crystal Paine: I feel like this kind of ties into the Emotionally Healthy Spirituality like we were talking about. I feel like so many people have these core wounds and things from their childhood that they have never dealt with, and so it's causing them to act out of that in their adult years.
I will talk to so many women who they are buying things in order to fill an emptiness that is in their heart. Or something happened in their childhood, for instance, maybe they weren't allowed to have certain things, so in their adulthood, then they will want to kind of almost go overboard in that area, or their parents were really strict in certain areas.
I see how there's patterns from our childhood that then play into unhealthy patterns in our adulthood. [00:08:19] That is, for me, I think a lot of it's on a deeper level. It's sometimes this core stuff where we're trying to fill something in our heart through buying stuff that buying stuff can never actually satisfy.
Laura Dugger: How do you recommend they regain control over this area of their life?
Crystal Paine: I think in all areas, like if we are struggling in a certain area, so if you're overspending or you feel like there's not enough money at the end of the month, to really start with asking why. Like where is this coming from? What is the root of this? And looking at all your expenditures and really taking an honest assessment of where your money is going and starting there. So then it's like, Oh, well, look here. We're spending this much on this. And then to ask yourself why and to really dig into that, I think that can be very helpful.
A lot of people don't even know how much they're spending. I think a great starting place is just to take that overall assessment and then to drill down and to say why and to really ask yourself, is this a necessity? Is this something that's really making an impact in my life? Or am I just paying for this because I feel like that's what I'm supposed to do or that's what I've always done? [00:09:38] I just don't even think of looking for a less expensive option.
Laura Dugger: And if they're interested in taking that assessment, how would you recommend they do that? Is there an app online or just carrying around a notebook and documenting their spending?
Crystal Paine: I think it really depends upon your personality type. I always recommend if people are in a lot of debt or they're struggling to get on a budget, starting with Dave Ramsey. His Total Money Makeover book is a great place to start to just get some helpful step-by-step advice for getting a handle on your money.
But then one app that we really love and we use is called YNAB. That stands for You Need a Budget. They have a free 30-day trial. I think it's so fantastic. If you've never had a budget before, they're so great about helping you to set up a budget and to test it out to really see all of your budget at a glance so you can see what you're spending. And then they walk you through the process of being able to do a better job of spending your money more intentionally. [00:10:40]
Laura Dugger: That's good. So it sounds like a starting place is knowing where your money is going and creating a budget. Is there any other low-hanging fruit as it relates to saving more money?
Crystal Paine: I think that many, many families, especially in the U.S., are spending more money than they need to spend on fast food and groceries. Everybody needs to eat, and everybody needs to buy groceries. But it's an area where a lot of times people just go to the store and they spend because they're like, well, I need to eat, and they're never actually paying attention to how much they're spending or shopping a little bit more strategically.
I like to help people change their mindset. And that's one reason why I share my shopping trips on Instagram and on Facebook and on my blog, because I want people to see that there are other options. So for our family, we shop extremely strategically. It could feel overwhelming for someone who's brand new. But just starting out with having a budget, knowing how much you're spending, and saying, "Okay, we're going to try to lower this money that we're spending on fast food or on groceries by 1% to 3% every month for the next six months. We're just going to challenge ourselves to do that." [00:11:48]
I think that a lot of the overspending or the spending more than you need to happens with impulse buys, and I think it happens with not knowing that there are other options, and I think it happens because there's a lack of contentment. So I think that those are kind of the key things.
If you can start researching and looking for some other options. Like I said, I try to really expand people's mind to think, Oh, wow, so she's feeding her family of five for $70 a week. Maybe that wouldn't work for us, but could we cut our grocery bill down to $130 a week? And if so, then how would we do that? Oh, well, maybe we would shop based upon what's on sale at the store. Maybe we would look and start our grocery menu for that week based upon what we already have on hand.
One thing that I encourage people to do to really help you as you're working on your finances is to consider challenging yourself to do a no-spend week or even a no-spend month. [00:12:51] And by doing that, you're going to learn a lot about yourself, but you're also going to challenge yourself to realize where you're spending money, where you're discontentment lies, where you want to impulse buy.
And then you're going to come up with some creative options in the place of where you would usually spend that money, and you're probably going to realize, oh, wow, we could spend a lot less money. I don't need that thing. And so I think that that would be also something to consider if you're struggling or you just want to challenge yourself. Try a no-spend week or a no-spend month.
Laura Dugger: Those are great ideas. And it's so intriguing. You said you're feeding your family of five for $70 a week. So I'm curious, what are some current recipes that you're loving?
Crystal Paine: I shop very interestingly. We don't plan a menu, which I encourage people to do if you're first starting out with grocery budgets and shopping strategically. But I actually don't plan a menu. I just always make sure that we have enough food on hand to make at least 10 to 20 meals. [00:13:55]
I shop based upon what is on sale and what is marked down and what I can get with pairing coupons with sales. So I buy a weird variety of things at the store that a lot of times if people are brand new to my site, they'll see what I'm buying and they're like, what are you eating with that?
I mean, I know tomorrow at Kroger they're going to have the 32-ounce cheese box for $3.99, which makes it 99 cents per 8-ounce, which is a really great deal. And you can buy up to five, so we're going to buy five of those.
Then they're going to have Nathan's Hot Dogs for $1.99 per package, so we're going to buy five of those. And then they're also going to have Nabisco crackers for 99 cents. So we're going to spend $30 or so on these things that you're like, well, that's not going to feed your family. But what people forget is that I have a freezer full of these things that then I can work from to make our menus. [00:14:45]
So getting back to the recipes question, I literally just look at what we have on hand and then I come up with creative ideas. So I have a lot of pasta right now because I got pasta for free or 50 cents per box. And so I'm like, Yay, cheese is going to be on sale and I have butter in the freezer from another thing, so we're going to have mac and cheese next week.
So I just look based upon kind of piecing these things together. I know for dinner tonight we are going to do barbecue chicken, which is just a bottle of barbecue sauce and some frozen chicken breast. Super, super easy and not the healthiest thing ever, but today is a really full day. So I go with what works for that day.
Another thing that we love to do is I love to use my Crock-Pot, and so a lot of times I'm able to get sausage on a great sale and then I'll get peppers marked down and onions. And so we will do those in the Crock-Pot. My kids just love that.
They never know what mom's going to get at the store and they're so good about just being willing to eat whatever mom gets at the store. And that's what we are able to plan our menu based upon that week. So some weeks we have a lot of something and some weeks we have none of something. And so we just get creative and love that. [00:15:55]
Also as far as other recipes too that I am really loving right now is banana chocolate chip muffins because we are always getting bananas marked down. And so we put them in the freezer and then make banana chocolate chip muffins. I love those and my kids love those. And they can eat through a double batch in about two days.
Then something that I have been doing every morning, and this is not a frugal thing, but I don't drink coffee anymore. We can talk about that maybe later on with some of the other questions. So I mix together this dandy blend which is kind of a coffee substitute and then this new blend that I just got recently which is called My Morning Motivator. They're both yeast powders and I mix them together. They're really healthy and it's kind of like this mocha. That's what I drink every morning when I wake up. And I love it so much.
Laura Dugger: These are some things I've never heard of before. I love the out-of-the-box mindset for approaching cooking. So that was really helpful. And now a brief message from our sponsor. [00:16:55]
Sponsor: Neal Beer is a country financial representative who offers auto, home, life, farm, and business insurance as well as assisting with retirement funding, education funding, and estate planning.
Neal and his wife Jessica live in Roanoke with their daughter Riley and their two sons Jackson and TJ. I've known this family for multiple decades and they're all wonderful.
Neal is really active in his church and he's involved in the community through various youth coaching activities. Neal's experience with his own small businesses as well as his farm upbringing make him uniquely prepared to partner with you to put a solid plan in place with insurance solutions to make sure that you're prepared for what lies ahead.
Country Financial is approaching 100 years as a premier insurance and financial services partner. So whether you're taking simple steps as you start your journey or taking big leaps of faith as major life changes come your way, Neal Beer and his Country Financial team would love to help you on your way.
Give Neal a call at (309) 383-2566 or you can find him online or even stop by his Germantown Hills office. Again, that's (309) 383-2566. Thanks for your sponsorship. [00:18:10]
Laura Dugger: Getting back to money-saving tips, if you had to boil it down, what would you list as your most helpful money-saving tips?
Crystal Paine: You know, I think that it really starts with contentment. I feel like so many people are struggling financially because at the core there is a lack of contentment. I think digging into that and learning to be content. Like I talked about the no spend week. I think that that can help you to figure out: where am I discontent, why am I discontent?
For me, I know that when my husband was in law school and we were living on this beans and rice budget, we were barely eking by, learning to be content, learning that even though we did not have money for anything extra... I mean, we had this fish that I had gotten through a mystery shop. We got him free and I got paid to go mystery shop, the pet shop and get this fish. So we had this fish and the fish ran out of food and we did not have enough money to go buy the little fish flakes. And so our poor fish, it was like either us or the fish. I always look back to that. That's where we were at and every penny mattered. [00:19:19]
But learning in those times that it wasn't stuff, it wasn't what we could buy at the store that made us happy. Contentment is really a state of the heart. It is not about your circumstances. So learning that contentment, then no matter how much you have or how little you have, you can be grateful and happy.
That will then help you to be able to look at your finances completely differently because it's not about what you have. It's about knowing in your heart who you are and being grateful for your surroundings.
Laura Dugger: That's a really good word because contentment really does contribute to enjoying life to the fullest. Let's transition to your views on living the abundant life in various areas. First, I'd just love to know, what are the disciplines you've implemented that have resulted in an abundant life, specifically as it relates to financial freedom and generosity? [00:20:24]
Crystal Paine: I think the gratitude piece and the contentment piece is really where it starts from. I look back to that time in law school and know that that was what really shaped my whole outlook and perspective on life now because we didn't have any extras.
I got pregnant and I couldn't buy maternity clothes because we didn't have any money. And I just had to pray and I was like, "God, please provide maternity clothes." And He did. People randomly gave me boxes of maternity clothes. And it was just so cool to get to see God provide.
But then also it was, I can't go out to the store and I can't buy something, but it's going to be okay. I think learning that, then now it's this bedrock for me of I have more money, we have more money, but I know that spending money isn't going to make me happy. So it starts there.
Then as our income has increased, our heartbeat is really to be generous and to give and to be conduits. We see ourselves as conduits that as God blesses us financially, it's so that we can bless others. And there is so much joy that comes from living your life with your hands outstretched. [00:21:37] So, for me, I would say that as our income grows, as our business grows, looking at it as this is so that we can bless others.
Laura Dugger: I love your perspective on generosity. As a working mom, how have you created and maintained a peaceful home?
Crystal Paine: Well, I'm not sitting here saying that we always have a perfectly peaceful home and I have it all figured out. That's not the case. But some things that have been helpful for me, I have just had to recognize that I am a work-at-home mom.
For the longest time, I tried to be a stay-at-home mom and a work-at-home mom without admitting that I was a work-at-home mom, and so then I was constantly beating myself up that I wasn't doing more. So owning that title and embracing that has really been helpful.
Then allowing myself the ability to get help to know I can't do it all myself. I work usually most weeks at least 50 hours, sometimes more. I have three kids and I want to be present in their life. I want to be present in my marriage. I want to be able to have friendships. And so I have to have help because I can't do it all myself. [00:22:41]
So not putting that pressure on myself to do it perfectly and to do it all myself, that has freed me up a lot to be able to just be like, I'm going to do the best that I can do today. And I'm never going to get everything done and that's okay.
Laura Dugger: And if somebody is listening and they're relating and they want help as well, what are some practical ways that you're sharing that load?
Crystal Paine: So one thing that I do is on my team, so I have a few full-time employees and part-time contractors, and that's been really helpful. But for people who are like, "I can't. That's not where I'm at"... when I had three little kids, one thing that was super helpful was what we called a mother's helper. She was a young woman from our church. I think she was 16 years old and she came over every week for five hours and we paid her $10 an hour. And she was just available to do my laundry, to watch the kids, to cook, to just do anything that I needed done that week. [00:23:37]
It was such a gift to me in that season of having three young kids to just know that once a week my laundry was going to get done, once a week I was going to have a little bit of breathing room and a little bit of help. So that was great.
Then also for me, I invest money to pay for cleaners to come every single week. And I fought against this for the longest time because it felt so extravagant. But I have realized that not only is it providing jobs for people and they do an amazing job of cleaning my house, but the money that I'm investing, it saves me at least a good five hours every single week. And that is so worth what I'm paying to be able to save that time to be able to focus on other things.
Laura Dugger: That's awesome. I know in a previous episode with one of my friends, Elizabeth Dixon, was quoted and she said, "Anything that you're not emotionally attached to and you can afford if you're a working mom, sub it out basically." [00:24:33]
You just seem to be a good role model, Crystal, for prioritizing personal development to enrich your life. Are there any best practices in this area that you recommend?
Crystal Paine: One of the things that I really strive to be and hope to be as a lifelong learner... and I don't ever want to get to the place where it's like, I've arrived. I figured it all out. I know the secret. So for me, that is asking good questions. I want to be a good listener and a good question-asker.
So in every situation that I'm in, I try to, no matter whether it's somebody I know really, really well, or somebody that I've just met, to ask good questions, to get to know them, to hear their story, and to learn from them because we can learn from everyone.
Then also I talked about reading books. So always having something that I'm stimulating my mind with and I'm stretching my mind with. And so a book that I'm listening to, a book that I'm reading, a good podcast that anytime that there's kind of this downtime, washing dishes, or I'm cooking, or I'm cleaning, or I'm fixing my hair or doing my makeup, that I can be inputting good stuff into my brain to be marinating and mulling over throughout the day to help me to grow as a person. [00:25:47]
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Now back to the show.
I've heard before that gratitude and lifelong learning are correlated with happiness. It sounds like you're on the right track. What about living the abundant life in business? [00:26:43]
Crystal Paine: For me, if you cannot do everything yourself, I think that that is one of the keys for me of not trying to do everything myself, not feeling like I have to do it all, and also saying, Okay, what are the few things that I'm really good at and I'm going to focus on those and I'm going to tune out all the other noise.
So there's so many people out there telling you, you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to do this, you need to do that. Tuning the voices out and only listening to a few voices and focusing on a few things, that has been very helpful to me.
And then just set a few goals. For every week, I set one or two goals, just like this week, I'm just going to focus on these few things and I'm going to try to focus and finish. And making that my mantra, instead of starting all these different things and then not finishing anything and just feeling stretched in all these places. Just being like, No, this week this is my focus and I'm going to focus on this and this is the big rock that I'm going to try to accomplish. [00:27:43]
And then at the end of the week, I can look back and be like, maybe I didn't completely finish it, but I made some really good headway because I was just focusing on a few things.
Laura Dugger: Do you have any practical tools or habits you've put into practice to keep your marriage strong and thriving?
Crystal Paine: I'm really blessed with my husband because we knew each other since we were 9 and 10. So we have a lot of background to kind of, you know, pull from. And I think that's been such a gift because we were good friends before we were married. So it was just like we have this beautiful story of knowing each other really well.
But for us, some things that have been helpful is to really make good conversations a priority and to make sure that we're not just being two ships passing in the night. Like, okay, you're going to take him to, you know, football, and okay, well, I'll take her over to her friend's house. And tonight, what do we have? You know, so that we're just talking about our to-dos instead of really getting to the heart of where we're at and how we're feeling about things. [00:28:43]
One thing that's been really helpful to us is because in any marriage or any close relationship, you're going to have conflict. And learning how to process through that conflict has been so beneficial to us. So often it's so easy for us to say, you made me feel like this or you did that to me or I can't believe that you would... And we start with this accusatory and to kind of pull that back.
And instead, one of the things that we've been working on is saying, when you did that, it made me feel like this. And I know that's not what you meant, but this is how it made me feel. And expressing that in that way has really kind of helped soften so that it doesn't feel like you're accusing the person, but you're stating how you feel. [00:29:24] So then you're able to process through that and talk through that.
We don't always do it perfectly, but that's something that has really helped our communication and our intimacy in our marriage.
Laura Dugger: Oh, I think that's awesome. A lot of people can benefit from that tip. What about as a mother? What has been the most helpful lesson you've applied to your parenting?
Crystal Paine: I think probably in the last few years I am really learning to stop trying to fix my kids. I tried really hard. I took them on as my project. I took my husband on as my project too. I was just going to fix these people and whip them into shape. Not literally whip them.
And I realized that that is not my calling. I am not called to try to fix anyone, but especially not my kids. It's not my job to be their Holy Spirit. It is not my job to take them on as a project. And it's not my job to try to fit them into this mold that I've created for them, but instead just to really love them for who God has created them to be and to walk with them, to ask good questions, and to just really love them where they're at and be interested in the things that they're interested in. [00:30:32]
Laura Dugger: And remind us. What are their ages again?
Crystal Paine: Catherine is 14, Caitlin is 11, and Silas is 9.
Laura Dugger: Okay. Do you feel like that changed throughout the seasons or was that a recent learning?
Crystal Paine: It has definitely been in the last few years. One of my kids went through a really, really hard season and we had to bring in a lot of helpful outside doctors and counselors and all that to help us through that season.
One of the things that the counselors really helped me with was recognizing areas where I was contributing to this in the way that I was mothering. God really humbled me through that and made me a lot more aware of the way that I was approaching things in kind of like my agenda and me trying to make them a certain way and instead just embracing the way that they were wired and created and seeing it as beautiful and amazing. And really speaking into that and loving them for who they are instead of pointing out all the things that they aren't. So that's something that I've just really been working on. [00:31:39]
Laura Dugger: Thank you for that transparency. Clearly, you're involved in so many things. You're wanting to love your husband and your kids well and be a good steward with your businesses. How do you rest well?
Crystal Paine: There's this book by Saundra Dalton-Smith. I don't know if you've seen it before called Sacred Rest. I would highly recommend reading that. She talks about the different kinds of rest. That book has been very helpful to me to see rest is not necessarily sleep. It can be, but that's just one type of rest.
So recognizing that I need different kinds of rest. I need social rest, which is spending time with life-giving people. I need creative rest, which is creating things. So that book and just understanding that has helped me to rest better because it's helped me to be more well-rounded in my rest.
But a few things specifically when it comes to sleep that I've worked on in the last few years that have made a big difference is taking magnesium before I go to bed. That helps me sleep a lot better. That also just helps me be more calm overall. [00:32:46]
I talked about the fact that I stopped drinking coffee, which was huge for me. I did not want to do it. I ran kicking and screaming from it for a while. But when I actually stopped drinking coffee, I realized that it was contributing to my anxiety and also to my inability to get as much sleep because I was relying upon coffee instead of rest. and I was pushing through and I wasn't ever getting good rest because I was always just running on fumes and relying on coffee.
And so giving up coffee. I don't think everyone needs to do it but for me personally, it's been really fantastic. It's really helped me to get so much better sleep at night and to feel so much more rested and so much more calm.
Laura Dugger: That is so fascinating. Those powders that you were talking about earlier, where can people find those if they're wanting to try it out for themselves?
Crystal Paine: Yes. I actually have a post on my blog that is about my favorite teas that are decaf teas because I drink a lot of decaf tea instead of drinking coffee. [00:33:49] Maybe I can give you that link to put in the show notes. But then also it's the Two Powders Dandy Blend and Morning Motivator. I only have been using them for the past three weeks, I think, and really, really love them.
They're not inexpensive. That's the only thing. I get free Amazon credit through Swagbucks, which I teach people to do on my site, and so I buy them from Amazon with my Swagbucks, so I get them free.
Laura Dugger: Oh, fun. Okay. We'll have a lot to link to. Now, just in general, what are your best life practices?
Crystal Paine: I think that for me... and I talked about the gratitude piece. Every morning when I wake up I just write in a journal and I just write something that I'm grateful for. That really helps me to shape the focus of my day to start out with being grateful.
Then I also try to prioritize exercise very early in the morning. And by early in the morning I mean early in my day. It's not necessarily... You know, I'm not doing it like 5:00 a.m. But just early in my day. Because I found that if I don't exercise early in my day it's probably not going to happen. [00:34:51] But I feel so much better when I make exercise a priority.
Then also I drink a gallon of lemon water every day and that has helped me so much with my skin and my overall energy. Making time for friends and for life-giving people, this was something I did not prioritize for a number of years.
Reading the book Sacred Rest and understanding how important social rest is for me, this helps me to have so much more energy. And just to have people in your life when you're struggling or you just need to vent or you need people to celebrate with you. To have those inner circle people who are with you, I think that it helps all around in your life and makes such a big difference.
Then to make sure that I'm not just pouring out and pouring out, pouring out, but then I'm also being filled back up. Because every day I'm writing at least one blog post. I'm usually writing an email newsletter to go out. I'm writing a post for Instagram. I'm getting on live video. I'm doing Instagram stories in multiple places.
So there's just a lot of giving out that happens. In order to be able to give out, I also need to be filled up. And so making that a priority has been really helpful to me to make sure that I'm not walking through life depleted. [00:36:03]
Laura Dugger: Wow, this is awesome. I can't wait to read that book. But let's finish this series of abundant life questions with the most important topic. So what would you say has been the most transformational in your spiritual walk with Jesus?
Crystal Paine: One of the things is prioritizing time in God's Word and just time in prayer. I think we sometimes forget that our Christian walk is a relationship, and in order to have a relationship, you need to spend time. Time equals relationship. You're not going to get to know someone well if you're not spending time with them. And so prioritizing that. I try for it to be every single morning.
And I'm not legalistic about it. It's just something that I want to start my day at the feet of Jesus, because I need Him. I cannot live this life well and glorify Him if I'm not spending time with Him.
But then also for me, making that time not something that I am giving out to other people. So this is kind of an interesting thing for me, but because I give out so much and I do an Instagram Live every morning, usually it's a morning show, and I have a podcast, and I'm writing and producing content, and like I said, there's a lot of giving out. [00:37:17]
Just the other day, someone was saying I do a book post every month with all the books that I've read that month. And someone was saying, I really wish you talk about what you're reading in God's Word. And I said, "I have chosen for that to be something that I don't give out from because I just need it for me. I want it to just be my time, spending time with God that it's not like I need to be looking for something to be giving out to other people. So kind of guarding that time as just a time for me to be just filled up and sitting at the feet of Jesus.
The other thing for me has been in our church I'm really involved in this discipleship program, which is this nine-month intensive sort of counseling type of thing. But it's all about going back to your core wins and your family of origin and just your false self and your true self and just understanding your identity in Christ and what that really looks like and how the gospel impacts everything, and when we really understand the gospel, that it is finished, we don't need to try more, be more, do more. That when He said it is finished, it's done, and we can rest in that. So truly understanding that it's been transformational to me.
And then I've had the opportunity then to walk with women through this program. They have very large group and then small group where every week you're meeting with women. Basically, it's two co-leaders with six to seven people. So you're getting to know women very closely and walking with them very closely. [00:38:43]
And just to be really honest and authentic and to share the yucky things and the things that we're struggling with and to put it out there, there's something very healing about that.
Laura Dugger: And that sounds incredible. What's the name of that curriculum or course?
Crystal Paine: Our pastors actually put it together and it's currently only offered at our church. I think this is our seventh year to do it at our church. They are piloting it with another campus this year in hopes that we can bring it to other churches because it is just changing lives in such a profound way.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's awesome. I hope it's available so listeners can grab onto that as well. This has just been such a refreshing time. If listeners do want to connect further, where can they find you online?
Crystal Paine: My favorite place to be online is Instagram. I am the Money Saving Mom on Instagram. I'm typically doing stories multiple times every day. So if you just want to get to know me on kind of a personal level, that's a great place to follow me. [00:39:45] I also share my grocery shopping trips and money-saving tips there as well.
Then my blog is moneysavingmom.com and I'm on Facebook as Money Saving Mom. Then if you are interested in making money through blogging or social media, I'd love for you to follow me @yourbloggingmentor on Instagram and then also my site yourbloggingmentor.com.
Laura Dugger: Perfect. Thanks for sharing all of those. Crystal, I have one final question that I like to ask every guest. We're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. So we would love to hear from you, what is your savvy sauce?
Crystal Paine: Using a time block to-do list. This is something that has been a practice of mine for years. And how it works for me is that I use Google Calendar for everything. So family, work, anything that is in my life, it goes on Google Calendar. Depending upon what it is, I will put it on as an all-day event. Or if it's a timed event, I'm going to put it actually on the calendar in the time that it's supposed to be. [00:40:47]
So I just brain-dump everything on there. If I think, oh, I'm supposed to bring treats next week to the Football practice or Oh, I'm supposed to remember to call that person, you know, I just put everything on there. Then every night before I go to bed I pull up my Google Calendar and I look at what I have on tap for the next day and then I write out a time block to-do list for the next day in my handwriting because I found that there's something about actually writing it out by hand that really helps solidify it and help me process through it.
I try to always allow at least a few hours of free time because there's going to be things that come up and interruptions and all that. But this really helps me to stay on task and focused and it helps me to prioritize the things that are important, and to make sure that I don't just wake up and just kind of run around in circles and put out fires all day, but I'm actually being very intentional in how I'm spending my time.
Laura Dugger: Well, Crystal, I've enjoyed your work for years, and so it was really special to get to connect today and learn from your intentionality, and experience your kindness firsthand. So thanks for being my guest. [00:41:51]
Crystal Paine: Thank you so much for having me on and asking such great questions. As I was going through your list of questions, I was like, one, you're super organized. But I was like, wow, this is inspiring me to think of some different things that I want to share online because there were questions that I've never done a blog post or an Instagram story on that. So thank you for inspiring me through that.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's awesome. You've inspired me, so it's mutual. But thanks again.
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:42:59]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:44:04]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:45:04]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Aug 12, 2019
Monday Aug 12, 2019
66. Sharing God’s Love With the World with Author and Amazima Ministries Founder, Katie Davis Majors
**Transcription Below**
Philippians 1:6 (NIV) “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Katie Davis Majors lives in Uganda. She and her husband, Benji, are the parents of 13 adopted daughters and two sons. In 2008, she started Amazima Ministries International, a non-profit organization to meet the physical, emotional, educational, and spiritual needs of the people of Uganda (www.amazima.org). Additionally, she is the author of Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption and Daring to Hope, which chronicle her amazing call and obedience to God and to Uganda. Read more of Katie’s blog at katiemajors.blog and follow her on Instagram and Twitter at @katieinuganda.
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: We have another awesome sponsor today, FabFitFun. FabFitFun is a seasonal subscription box with full-size products that's a value over $200 per box, but it's going to cost you only $49.99. Even better, when you use the code SAVVY at checkout, you're going to get $10 off your first box. That's FabFitFun.com with code SAVVY at checkout. Enjoy!
When Katie Davis Majors was 18 and a homecoming queen, graduating from high school just outside of Nashville, Tennessee, God showed her his unexpected plans one step at a time. He led Katie to move to Uganda, found Amazima Ministries, and become an adoptive mother to 13 beautiful girls by the time she was 23.
Today you're going to hear so much more of her story since that time, and you're hopefully going to be inspired to learn how God is calling you to love the person right in front of you as he writes your unique story. Here's our chat. [00:01:28]
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Katie.
Katie Davis Majors: Thank you, Laura. I'm so excited to be here.
Laura Dugger: Will you start us off by just sharing your testimony and giving us a glimpse of your story as you went from the suburbs of Nashville to Uganda?
Katie Davis Majors: Absolutely. For a long time, even early on in childhood, God had put it on my heart to serve others. Missions was something that I was always a little bit interested in, but that interest was increasing as I neared my graduation from high school.
So my senior year of high school, over my Christmas break, my mom and I came on a short-term mission trip here to Uganda, and I just fell in love with this country and with the people and their grace and their hospitality and their love for Jesus. And I really, really wanted to come back.
I had met a pastor on that trip who was looking for some help in starting up a preschool at his orphanage. So when I graduated high school, instead of committing to go to college, I actually committed to come back here to Uganda for a year and help him teach at the preschool and even silly things like handwriting worksheets and making homemade Play-Doh and trying to help him with this preschool program. [00:02:44]
So I'm sure we'll get into it more the rest of the interview, but basically, that was now 11 years ago and Uganda is still my home. During that year that I was here, I obviously fell more and more in love with this place and these people.
But there were also some things that were really surprising to me and probably the biggest one was that a lot of the children living in the orphanage had family members who loved them, who cared about them, who would even come and visit them. Sometimes when they were on breaks from school, they would go visit their parents or their grandparents. That was really foreign to me.
I think as a Westerner who had not spent much time in a developing country, I had just assumed that if you lived in an orphanage, you didn't have parents or relatives. And certainly, in some countries, I think that's the case. But in East Africa specifically, about 80% of children living in institutions do have living relatives, and they're living in these orphanages and children's homes simply because of poverty — people just really can't afford the basic necessities to take care of their children. [00:03:59]
That to me was really devastating. I would hear these kids that I worked and lived with at the orphanage talking about their extended family and desiring to go and visit them. So I just began asking questions of some of the friends that I had made and some of the community members that I was meeting. I would, you know, ask them like, Hey, if you had some of your basic needs provided for, you know, if you had school fees paid and you had some food provided for your family, would you want to keep your kids at home with you? And unanimously, the answer was yes.
It seemed like every single person that I came across was saying, you know, they hadn't sent their kids to the orphanage because they didn't want them or they didn't care about them. They had sent them because they truly believed that inside the orphanage their kids would have a better life. They would be provided with some of these things that they just couldn't get at home. [00:04:54]
School fees are probably one of the biggest costs that a family incurs here. And the better school that you'd your child to go to, the more expensive it is. And then on top of that, you have uniforms and materials and all these different things that make it really, really hard for families here, especially large families, to send their children to school.
So I just kind of innocently asked a friend of mine if she would like for me to pay for her two little girls to go to school and if that would keep them from having to live at the orphanage. Of course, she said yes. And so at the beginning of, I guess it was the beginning of 2018, so I'd been in Uganda for about six months, I paid for those two girls to go to school.
As I started telling my friends in the States and my parents, about just this problem that I had encountered and as I started talking to them about, you know, what a huge difference a few hundred dollars had made in the lives of these girls by allowing them to stay at home, some of my friends and some of my parents' friends said like, "Oh well, That sounds great. We would love to send you some money so that you could do that for another child." [00:06:10]
And within, I think, the first couple of months, I had sent about 30 children to school just with donations that I had raised from family and friends in the States. By that time, I think the Lord was prompting me and making it clear that this was something that was a lot bigger than just me. And so that's kind of how Amazima, the organization that I founded and still work for today, was born, and that's basically what I've been doing ever since.
Laura Dugger: Okay, so that was incredible. I'd love to unpack some more details of that story. Even from reading your first book, Kisses From Katie, you talked about overcoming some of even the illness parts that you were interacting with people, and it seemed like God had His hand of protection on you to not even get sick. Do you remember any of those stories that you could share?
Katie Davis Majors: Sure. As you would imagine, at the orphanage, there were over 120 children in pretty close quarters. We were always passing something around. I was actually just joking with a friend the other day about how during the time I lived there, I would always have a little patch of ringworm somewhere on my chin because so many of the children had it on their heads. [00:07:25] They would sit and snuggle in your lap, so you'd get it right under your chin where you would rest your head on top of their heads.
But I do really feel like God protected me in so many ways from a lot of bigger illnesses that went around. For some reason, I think it's funny, He just gives us grace for the season we're in. I think for some reason I wasn't ever... I didn't ever really feel fearful when the kids got sick, but more just compelled to love them. And by His grace, yeah, I didn't really catch anything or get anything.
I think even specifically what you're talking about in the book is once I started my own family here, we welcomed a lot, a lot of different people into our home. And sometimes they were quite ill. In hindsight, I kind of laugh. Like, well, what were you doing? Like, how are you letting these different sick people be around your kids?
But I really just think that the Lord does equip you for what He calls you to. In our case, there were many, many times when He kept us from illness and protected us from that. But I also believe that had we caught something or had one of my children become ill, He would have also provided a way for them to get the medical care that we needed. [00:08:45]
Laura Dugger: But it's just incredible because I think it is an example of being the hands and feet of Jesus, and that we weren't given a spirit of timidity, but you just kept being obedient, and He protected you in that. Then further along in your story, how did you discern the Lord's voice calling you to stay in Uganda? Because you had only committed for one year, is that right?
Katie Davis Majors: Right. That's absolutely right. I like this question a lot because I think there are so many of us, myself included some days... I mean, I know that I'm here in Uganda, so not in that way. But you know, I feel like we are all often wondering like, what are you asking me to do here, Lord? Or what are you calling me to even just in this season?
For me, the answer was not... I didn't hear an audible voice. There wasn't a sign or certain things lining up in certain ways or anything like that that I was praying for that I felt like God revealed to me, as much as I know that He can do that. [00:09:51]
But I think it just came down to honestly looking in His Word and seeing the commandment to make disciples of all nations, seeing the commandment to love my neighbor as myself, seeing the commandments to care for even who Jesus refers to as the least of these, you know, people who are hungry or sick or poor.
I feel like I was looking all around me and all of those things were happening in my life. So more than any kind of audible calling or any kind of really tangible confirmation, I feel like I was able to look and say like, Okay, Lord, your commandment seems pretty clear here, and you have dropped me in a place where I do have an opportunity to do all these things.
I totally believe that God could have done that in any other country, or even if I had stayed in Nashville, but He had me in a place where it was really obvious that there were needs to be met. And it was really obvious that I had the means to meet some of them. [00:11:02] So my call to stay and to continue to meet those needs, and above all of it, to continue to share the gospel, it seemed like there wasn't any other option but to stay and continue.
Laura Dugger: So many people have now benefited from your obedience. Do you have any other stories of ways that you've seen God's hand at work, specifically during your time in Uganda?
Katie Davis Majors: Oh my, yes, I have so many stories that it'll be hard to pick one. But on a grand scale, God has taken what was just a handful of children going to school with the desire that they would stay out of the orphanage and with their families. He has taken that and just expanded it into a pretty huge program here in Uganda, Amazima Ministries, which is the name of the ministry I founded.
We now have over 600 children that we sponsor to go to school and we provide them with schooling all the way through university and skills training for some of those who will not go on through university. [00:12:09]
We have a very large staff of Ugandans and also some expats. I mean that's just hundreds of lives right there being impacted. And any time that I am out at our property or that I'm in a staff meeting, I just can't believe how Huge God has grown this thing. And not that many years.
Two and a half years ago we opened a secondary school. So we now have our own secondary school that we're sending our children through because it was just our desire to pour into them even more and mentor them even more and to see their education really be transformational in that they would be taught critical thinking, but they would also be taught, you know, the Word of God all day as they're in school.
So that's really fun because we get to handpick the teachers and the mentors who are at the school pouring into those children and discipling them every day. [00:13:07] I mean, kind of on a large scale, God has just worked and moved, I mean, beyond my wildest imagination. And it was just these simple steps of obedience, you know, just seeing the person in front of me and seeing their need and desiring to find a way to meet that need and God just took it and grew it into something that was so much bigger than me.
Like I said, now we have a big staff that helps carry out all the day-to-day activities of Amazima, but in that way, He really has done exceedingly and abundantly more than we could ask or imagine. You know, in really simple, much smaller-scale ways, there have been just so many people whose lives God has knit together with ours over the years.
We have taken in homeless people that have been freed from their addiction during their time in our home and who have gone on to be successful men and women in the workplace and made a life for themselves. We have had people come to live with us when they're very ill and God has healed them.
We've also had people come to live with us and God hasn't healed them. And that's a lot of what my second book is about is just you know, who is God when we're praying those prayers and He doesn't show up in the way that we think that He might? [00:14:34] But even in that, He does Always show up.
He has taught me things and He has strengthened our family in ways that maybe He wouldn't have been able to if we hadn't experienced some hardship. So yeah, like I said, there are really so so many ways that He is at work.
Laura Dugger: Well, it's just so exciting to hear those personal stories. I think it increases all of our faith to hear that. This next question has two sides. First, I just am wondering what cultural differences were hardest for you to overcome? And then second, which cultural differences are you most grateful for?
Katie Davis Majors: You know, I love that question because as I was even thinking about it, I think that so many of the cultural differences that were the hardest for me to overcome are also the differences that I feel most grateful for. [00:15:33]
Uganda has really taught me hospitality in a completely different way. The Ugandan people have really taught me to value relationships above anything else. I mean just practically speaking here, it is just very normal that you would show up at your neighbor's home at any time of the day, no matter what they were doing, they would welcome you in. They would stop what they were doing, they would make you a cup of tea and they would sit and talk with you.
As you can maybe imagine, as a young person straight from America trying to make lesson plans for a preschool at first and then later years trying to run this small organization out of my home, I can be very task-oriented. This used to be a pretty big source of annoyance for me. I mean people would just come over and plop themselves down on the couch or on the floor and kind of look at me, you know, waiting for me to do the culturally expected thing which is stop what I'm doing and make them a cup of tea or offer them a glass of water or a snack or something. [00:16:40]
I would just be thinking, like, "I can't talk to you right now. I have so much stuff to do," or "I'm so busy. Can't you see what I'm working on?" But over the years I've just really come to embrace that as something so, so beautiful. That people here they value relationship above the task. I think I've learned that in a huge way.
My days are now a lot more interruptible than they used to be. And don't get me wrong, I still occasionally do feel kind of that twinge of annoyance. But I just think you know, that was Jesus, right? Always stopping. You know, every time it seems like He was headed out somewhere and somebody reached out and grabbed His robe or a crowd gathered. Or He was already in the boat headed somewhere and the crowd gathered there with their sick people for Him to heal or they're hungry people for Him to feed. [00:17:40] I think that that is something that this culture really has gotten right. It's a slower pace of life and it allows time to know people truly and to love them well.
Another thing that I think is kind of a both-and is just that this is such a culture of sharing. If you have more than me, you will share it with me. And so sometimes that used to kind of cause me to feel like, oh my goodness, you just expect me to share absolutely everything: my food and my home and my time and my resources and everything else.
And not that that's bad. I mean, I think it's funny as I say that. I came here to share obviously, but you know, you can put a limit on that if you see yourself as a missionary or as an aid worker. There are certain things that you're going to share and then there are certain things that are yours and that are kind of off-limits.
Uganda is a culture that doesn't really have things that are off-limits. And it's very very humbling because for me or for anybody, if you would walk into a Ugandan family's home, I mean, they would immediately start to make you a meal and they would prepare their very best food, they would invite you in, they would bring you a chair, they would get everything ready so that they could share and really just their whole lives with you. [00:19:09]
So that has really taught me that there aren't certain things that are off limits. There are times when we have to set boundaries, especially around family time. But for the most part, we feel like, yeah, what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine.
Coming from an American culture where things can be very, very guarded, that's been really hard to learn. But it's also something that I'm just so very grateful for because I think that it's more of a kingdom way of living. I think that that's how God designed it to be.
Laura Dugger: That's incredible to hear something just such a beautiful vision of what that looks like. We'll come back shortly after a brief message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: Now will you catch us up on all that has happened since you released your first book, Kisses From Katie?
Katie Davis Majors: Yes. So that book, my goodness, I sometimes laugh a little bit about that book. I had written most of it by the time I was probably 19 or 20. It wasn't turned into a book until later. It was just a series of blog posts and journal entries. But yeah, it's even funny to just look back at that and experience things kind of through my fresh young eyes.
A lot has happened since that book released. Probably one of the most notable things that has happened is that I have gotten married since then. God so graciously provided me with a husband after I had been here five or six years and really after I had kind of surrendered that dream. As a young woman, I had always dreamt of being married and having a family.
God grew my family through adoption before I got married. I passed through several years of thinking that between all of my adopted children and just the lifestyle that I was choosing to live of allowing people in and out of our home and even just living in a different country for what I thought would probably be the rest of my life, I had really kind of laid down the dream that there would be a man who wanted to embrace that life. [00:23:07] So such a joy and such a beautiful surprise from the Lord that He would bring me an amazing husband.
Also, since the release of the first book, during that book I was in the process of fostering to adopt 13 little girls. Those girls are not so little anymore. They are growing more rapidly than I would like and many of them are teenagers. The oldest four of them are actually off at college. But yeah, their adoptions have all been finalized in the last many years. That's a very long legal process, but I was blessed to be able to do it with their father and my husband at my side. So that has been joyous as well, just to know that what God began in our hearts so, so, so many years ago has also become, you know, legal on paper.
Then we have also added two little boys to our growing tribe in the last two and a half years.
[00:24:14] So we have two biological sons now. It's been super fun after years and years of raising girls that God would choose to add two little boys down at the bottom. And they are just adored by their sisters as you could imagine. Our youngest actually was just born a few months ago.
So that's kind of a family update since that book. I think in my heart, the Lord has done a lot. Like I said, I was young when I released that first book and naive in a lot of ways and also still, I think, very fueled by adrenaline. You know, it's pretty amazing to move to this foreign country and get to watch God do so many big things in just a short amount of time.
You know, very early in my adult life, I had made a big move, and God had grown my family in a big way, and God had grown Amazima Ministries in a big way. It seemed like I had a front-row seat to a lot of really big things. And then over the next many years, you know, God, I think kind of taught me what it meant to find Him also in the small things. [00:25:22]
Because after the big things happen, you know, at the end of the day, I did have a large family and was learning how to parent in all the little mundane tasks. It was learning the ins and outs of running a ministry and all the little tasks that came with that as well.
I say that often that I feel like God did a lot of big things early in my adult life maybe to grab my attention or maybe just to show me the enormity of his power and what he can do. And then over the next many years He taught me what it looked like to be faithful in the small things and to trust him to be faithful and the small things.
So my second book has a lot more of that in it. Just little encounters with different people that He brought into our lives and little ways that He was teaching me and shaping my heart in ways that also turned out to be big but didn't have as much of an outward wow factor, I guess, you could say.
Laura Dugger: I think that's really relatable, just hearing about being faithful in all the small things. [00:26:24] I'm sure right now you don't really have a typical day, but what does your life look like on any given week now?
Katie Davis Majors: I think it's funny because, you know, even as I talk about a big family and a ministry and all these things, I think people can kind of romanticize it or just say like, oh, wow, you know? I think it would be easy to assume that because I live in Uganda, my days are full of feeding meals to hungry people and bandaging wounds of the sick.
Some days are like that, but for the most part, we now have a really phenomenally abundant staff that runs the day-to-day operations of Amazima. Right now my typical day probably looks like most moms who might even be listening. We get up early and we scoot all the high schoolers out the door, so seven of them go off to school in the morning and then actually, to be honest, I usually sit on the couch with my cup of coffee and just stare. I am not really a morning person. [00:27:29]
It is my husband who gets the breakfast on the table and makes sure that people have everything they need. I'm kind of useless in my little corner on the couch. I just say good morning and watch everybody.
But then we have a fifth grader and a sixth grader and so I homeschool them. And then we also have a two-and-a-half-year-old and a newborn like I mentioned. So the two-and-a-half-year-old basically just destroys everything while we do school. We have to stop like four different times or weeding up everything that little brother has moved all over the school room or wipe up where he's colored on the floor or spilled his water or whatever it might be.
So I mean that's kind of typically what I'm doing in the daytime. And I do a couple times a week have different ministry meetings and things that I need to attend. But we live in a very small town and so usually I would just take the four of my children who are at home with me, or maybe we would even have the meeting at my house sometimes. [00:28:30] When you're the only person on the leadership team with a newborn, you can kind of pull that card sometimes, like, Oh, how about everybody just comes to me? So that's kind of my day-to-day.
Then Benji, my husband, and I make it a point to make sure that we're home from whatever various ministry things we're doing. We make sure we're home by four o'clock each day and that way we have a few minutes to catch up. Then our kids get home from school around 4:30. The evening is usually all hands on deck of trying to get dinner on the table and homework help for everybody and then later to get babies in the bath and out of the bath and into beds. Then I spent some time with the big girls before it's time for us all to head to bed.
So funny because you know, there is no typical day and there are little interruptions in all our days. But I feel like our life is probably a lot more normal than what people assume. You know, we sit on our bed and fold laundry and wake up bleary-eyed and stumble out to the coffee pot and drive in carpools and take kids to different activities and kind of, you know, all the different things that I guess your typical parents do. [00:29:44]
Laura Dugger: Yes, absolutely. I think so many people are probably nodding along in their days may look similar. Continuing with that, on a really practical note, with your hands that are so full and your full family, when do you personally carve out time to sit at the feet of Jesus?
Katie Davis Majors: You know, I thought you might ask. I was feeling a little convicted because, to be honest, with a newborn, it's just hard. You don't really have days and nights. It all feels kind of like this one continuous every three-hour cycle kind of thing.
So sometimes I'm like, did I brush my teeth today or was that yesterday? But we were about three months out. So I think we're kind of finally going to get back to the place of having a little bit more of a schedule and hopefully time with Jesus will be a lot more predictable. [00:30:44]
But I mean, morning is usually my go-to. Like I said, I kind of stumble out and get my cup of coffee and sit on the couch and everybody races out the door for school and looks for their shoes and looks for their homework. I usually sit and read during that time. And then there's kind of a lull between when the big girls leave and the time when the rest of us need to start school. So there's about an hour in there where I can sit on the couch. It's often interrupted. You know, it's not the perfect quiet time that I would envision with a hot cup of coffee in a quiet couch.
I usually do have like a two-and-a-half-year-old kind of climbing on me, or a 10-year-old coming and asking all the different questions. But I really think that my offering to the Lord is being consistent in that time. I tell myself that again and again. God sees that pursuit, and I believe that He will honor it. I think it's really beautiful that my children see that. [00:31:45]
So it might be interrupted time but... something I really remember so vividly about my own mother is that when I walked downstairs, after I'd gotten ready for school and would walk downstairs to get breakfast in the morning, she was always in the same chair with her Bible open. And she probably felt like I was interrupting her as well, but I have that picture of my mom in her chair with her Bible.
I really want that to be a picture that my kids have of me as well. To be honest, some days only a few verses get read, or I get stopped so many times that I end up reading the same verse over and over again because I can't find my place. And then I think, oh, I just read that one. And then I get asked a question again. But I feel like God, He's faithful to meet us in the time that we have.
I do try to go about the rest of my day with just a posture of prayer. Right now I get a lot of prayer time in the rocking chair, rocking a baby, whether it's, you know, at a weird time of day or in the middle of the night. And yeah, that looks different for me in different seasons. [00:32:49]
Laura Dugger: I love the reality of that answer. And the question certainly wasn't meant to be condemning at all, but you just exude that love for Jesus. Many listeners have written to us and a lot of them are moms and like you, maybe new moms or have just added a new one to the family. And so I think it's just helpful to hear that and say, "Oh, me too. I'm experiencing that as well." So thanks for sharing.
Katie Davis Majors: Of course. You know, one thing that I've done recently that has been really helpful to me, I think, is I've made the rule that I can't bring my phone with me into the rocking chair because I was starting to feel convicted about the times when I'm sitting and nursing our son or you know, he still wants to be wrapped to sleep and I love that. But it's so easy... When my girls were little, I didn't have a smartphone. But with our boys, I do have one and it is just so easy to sit and scroll and look at things that aren't important or look at other people's lives on Instagram.
I feel like the Lord kind of convicted me of that recently and so I've tried to really make it a point to put the phone down before I sit in the rocking chair. You could equate the rocking chair to anything. Anytime that you're sitting somewhere, kind of scrolling aimlessly because it's there and it's available. But for me, I'm spending a lot of time in the rocking chair. [00:34:15]
So I've been putting my phone down and just over and over again I feel like the words that God has given me are just teach me how to pray, Lord. Teach me how to listen to you. That's become kind of my rocking chair prayer, is that God would use that time to teach me to pray more intimately.
I hope that can be an encouragement to even just one person. He wants that sweet time with us. And it is so, so easy to fill it with all the other distractions. And I am so, so guilty of doing that. But I do feel like I have so little time and I do feel like in that kind of newborn raising babies haze. But I believe that God is faithful to answer our prayers. And so I believe that as we ask Him to show Himself to us, as we ask Him to speak to us more, He'll be fitful to do it. I know in my own life I have to get rid of some of the distractions as well.
Laura Dugger: I certainly think that will be encouraging for someone listening today. [00:35:15] My only experience with parenting is raising children in America. So I'm curious, what are the current joys and struggles that you're facing while parenting in Uganda?
Katie Davis Majors: Oh, that's a good question. I've never also parented in America, so I don't know that I can really draw a comparison. But my guess is that they would be similar. I mean, I think we have a unique challenge in that we have a newborn and we have kids in college and we are potty training and we have teenagers who are about to learn to drive. So we pretty much have the full range of all the children, new children and old children and girl children and boy children. We have just been so blessed by the Lord in that way.
And so it is challenging, I think, to feel like we are giving them all what they need, because their needs are so unique and they are in different seasons. It was definitely easier when just the whole gaggle of them were like seven, eight, and nine because their needs were in some ways similar. [00:36:19] But yeah, of course as they grow too and their personalities come out more and more you see that even just their needs for different ways of being loved can change.
That is probably our biggest struggle is just figuring out how to love each of them in the unique way that they need and even discipline them each in the unique way that they need and can receive. But at the same time, as I say, that one of the greatest joys is also just figuring out how to love them well and how to discipline them well and how to shepherd them well through their different seasons of life, really just getting to know them.
One of the cool things that is happening now is as our children move into teenagehood and even adulthood, they really are becoming some of my best friends and some of my greatest friends. I enjoy them so much. I enjoy conversation with them so much. And so it's just been really fun and really unique to watch them and to help them grow into the young adults that God has created them to be and to get to be not just a parent but also a friend in that way. [00:37:28]
Laura Dugger: Aw, that's so exciting to hear how your investment is really paying off. This is a quick shout-out to 21Marie who left us a five-star rating and review on iTunes. They write, "Each podcast has given me insight into so many different aspects of my life. The variety and life applications are uplifting and savvy."
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Do you have any encouragement or even a challenge that you would like to share with your sisters and brothers in Christ who are listening right now?
Katie Davis Majors: I think lately I have just been encouraged to really be present with whoever it is that the Lord is putting in my path. And right now, for the most part, it's my children and my own family. And I think that's okay.
I think for someone who has been involved in a lot of different types of ministry, sometimes it's tempting to feel like our ministry is small when it's just to our family. [00:38:37] But God has really been showing me the beauty of that. It requires a lot of perseverance and a lot of patience and a lot of faithfulness just to serve your own family when nobody is looking and there are no applause from the outside world and nobody's saying, oh wow, look what an amazing mom you are because you got the laundry done and dinner on the table.
But God sees that and He sees us in all those places where we might feel hidden from the world. That is just as much of an offering to him as it is to be, you know, doing some other kind of more public ministry. So I've been encouraged in that and I hope that listeners will be as well. You know, serving the people in front of you is a beautiful offering to the Lord.
Laura Dugger: Yes, it is. If listeners are hearing this and they want to take some kind of first step to getting more involved, where can they start today?
Katie Davis Majors: Oh, sure. We have a website, amazima.org. [00:39:45] On there, they could be directed to donate. There would be a place where they could get involved. We actually have several staff positions open right now, if maybe they even wanted to move. We have an online store where I've taught some women here to make jewelry and you can purchase some fun gifts for your relatives. So there are lots of different options for ways to get involved on our website.
Laura Dugger: We'll definitely link to that so people can get involved if they're interested. Our listeners know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. And so, Katie, I have one final question for you today. What is your savvy sauce?
Katie Davis Majors: If I had to pick one, it would be early bedtime. I mean for my kids, not for me. When I was a single parent, I put all the girls to bed at 8 o'clock every single day because I needed time with the Lord. And now they're older, so it's 8:30. But yeah, it does not matter if you are 2 or 18, at 8:30 you are in your bedroom. [00:40:55]
Now that has become time when my husband and I can catch up on the happenings of the days and just decompress and spend time with the Lord and spend time in prayer over our family. But I really think that is what keeps me sane and keeps my husband and I connected in such a large family, is that we give all that we have from when we wake up until 8.30, but then at 8.30, you are in your room.
Of course, not everybody goes to sleep at 8.30. It's like a giant slumber party at our house all the time because everybody shares room with their best friends. But they're in their rooms and they do have to whisper. They can read or now a lot of them have homework and stuff. But mom and dad are kind of off and decompressing. I think that's just been really important to my walk with the Lord and really important to our marriage and our time together. So my savvy sauce is early bedtime. [00:41:54]
Laura Dugger: I love it. Katie, you are so wise beyond your years, and your love of Jesus is so apparent and so compelling. So thank you for giving us a glimpse of your life and pointing everything back to our awesome God. I've really loved chatting with you today.
Katie Davis Majors: Oh, thank you. I've enjoyed it too.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:42:58]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:44:03]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:45:03]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Aug 05, 2019
Monday Aug 05, 2019
65. Simple Solutions to Help You Prepare For, Enrich, or Save Your Marriage with Dr. Matthew Turvey, Director of WinShape Marriage
**Transcript Below**
Isaiah 61:3 (NIV) “and provide for those who grieve in Zion — to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his spender.”
Matthew Turvey, Psy.D. has been a licensed psychologist since 2003 and has worked with countless couples all over the globe to strengthen their marriages. As Director of WinShape Marriage, Dr. Turvey cultivates programs and experiences that inspire couples in all stages of marriage to move toward moments of breakthrough in their relationships. He’s often found leading couples on marriage adventure experiences in exciting locations, guiding couples toward healing, and serving as a liaison for mental, spiritual and relational resources for WinShape Foundation and Chick-fil-A staff.
Dr. Turvey’s family came to WinShape after two years in Lima, Peru where he served the emotional and relational needs of the missionary and international community. Prior to this, he served as vice president of Life Innovations where he helped revise the widely-used PREPARE-ENRICH marriage assessment and trained thousands of pastors and counselors in its use. Dr. Turvey worked with Gary Smalley earlier in his career. He continues to offer a unique perspective on achieving and maintaining healthy relationships through partnerships with numerous well-known authors and experts in the marriage and family field.
Married since 1996, he enjoys traveling with his wife, Nicole, and their four children, with whom they’ve visited six continents. The Turveys are continually journeying through marriage and parenting with an open heart, a sense of humor, and a constant clinging to Proverbs 16:9, knowing that while the mind of man plans his way, the Lord directs his steps.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Sacred Pathways by Gary Thomas
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcript**
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <Music>
Laura Dugger: If you've listened to The Savvy Sauce for long, you know how much I enjoy FabFitFun, which is a seasonal subscription box. I will share more details later in this episode, specifically how you can receive over $200 worth of products for less than $40 just by using the code SAVVY at checkout when you visit fabfitfun.com. Thanks for your sponsorship.
Whether your marriage is in crisis or you're just curious about ways to feel closer to your spouse and enjoy that marital connection more, this episode is for you. Psychologist and WinShape Marriage director, Dr. Matthew Turvey is my guest today. He's going to offer a unique perspective on maintaining a healthy marriage. I think you're going to laugh and learn from this time together. Here's our chat.
Welcome to the services, Dr. Matthew Turvey.
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Thank you so much. Glad to be here.
Laura Dugger: [00:01:22] Well, as we begin, will you just share a bit about yourself, your background, and your work at WinShape Marriage?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Yes. I'm the director of WinShape Marriage. I've been there for about five years full-time, eight years overall. Before that started though, I've been married for 22 years to my wife Nicole, got four kids. Braden is 17. He's my soccer player and doing college stuff right now. And 15-year-old Alexis who does improv comedy of all things and also play soccer. And a 12-year-old engineer named Drew. He's our mathematician. And a 6-year-old daughter named Maya we adopted from China actually several years ago. So that rounds out the family. My wife stays at home, does some homeschool with them. And we just have a happy little family life. So that's us.
Laura Dugger: [00:02:05] That is awesome. And with your work, I think that stories are always so powerful. So do you have any specific stories of redemption or reconciliation that stand out from some previous couples who have attended a WinShape Marriage event?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Yeah. So with WinShape, our little tagline, if I can say a little elevator pitch, we prepare, strengthen, or save marriages through intensives, retreats and adventures. So we've got quite a bit for kind of couples at every stage of their relationship.
And it's always fun to see couples who are preparing for marriage, you know, premarital couples, it's fun to see them... and actually, even here, just this past week or so I ran into a couple that was at one of our programs called Prepare To Last. And they said, "You know what, that just set us up, right? We are in three years now and we've been through some challenges, we've had some issues at work, some issues with extended family," and they said, "but you know what, we had kind of our head screwed on straight after Prepare To Last." Because they knew what they wanted out of marriage, what marriage was about, what was most important to them. So it just got them on the right path. So I thought that was a really cool story to hear from this young couple.
[00:03:12] I think about stories of redemption sometimes for couples who go through retreats, because you know, retreats are for couples who are looking for maybe that next step, needs some encouragement, maybe they're doing okay, they're not in crisis, but they just want to invest in their marriage. So for couples like that, it's just neat to hear how a weekend experience, when couples take the time to invest in their relationship and be serious about it and say, Hey, we're gonna get away, we're gonna get away from the kids, from technology, from work, all that stuff, we're going to do something for us and for our marriage that draws closer to each other and closer to the Lord. This is a powerful experience for couples.
So I don't know if there's any deeply moving and tear-jerking stories about couples who go to retreats, but I can guarantee the couples that go to those are finding the Lord and finding each other in a more powerful way. So there's peeling back the layers of onion in the relationship and growing in connection and intimacy.
For our intensives, those are the tear-jerking stories. Those are for couples typically who are facing challenges, maybe on the brink of divorce, and they come to WinShape and they go through this four-day experience with five other couples, a couple of Christian therapists. And they're there because they don't know what else to do. It's because they've tried a lot perhaps and they're just not sure that marriage is going to make it. So couples who go through that. I've heard multiple times of couples that say, you know what, God showed up in an incredible way.
So the chance to really kind of bear it all in some ways emotionally for their spouse, maybe it's an experience they've never done before, and so those couples we treat them very tenderly and we take the trust they place in us at WinShape very seriously because it's a difficult thing to do, to talk about some of your heartache, your pains, those things that necessarily haven't gone the way you dream they would in your marriage. But couples who go through that and do that work, about 83%, 84% of those couples are still together two years later doing a lot better. So to me, that's a pretty powerful testimony.
Laura Dugger: [00:05:05] Wow. Yes, that number is incredible. And I love that it sounds like WinShape addresses things both proactively, and you're there reactively if somebody needs a tune-up.
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Exactly.
Laura Dugger: [00:05:17] And you've kind of touched on this, but could you explain the difference between a WinShape Marriage retreat and intensive and an adventure that you offer?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Yeah. So the intensives, those are for couples who are facing challenges basically, or they're looking for a breakthrough in their marriage. So intensives aren't just for couples in crisis. They're for couples who are saying, You know, it feels like we're spinning our wheels here, we need to do something different.
So those experiences are four days, five couples, two Christian therapists, usually a male and a female. Doesn't always work out that way. But that's a WinShape Retreat in Rome, Georgia, about two hours north of Atlanta. And those are run by three partner ministries that we have. We have Focus on the Family, we have the Center for Relational Care, and The Hideaway Experience. They run the programmatic element of everything, and we provide the space for those experiences to happen. We provide hospitality. It is an incredibly transformative experience for couples that go through that.
The retreats, again, happen at WinShape retreat. And those are weekend events, usually on Friday afternoon through Sunday. And that's more for like the general public who just say, Hey, we want to do something for marriage. It's time to invest, time to get away.
Our retreats are for couples who really want to make the time and space for something new in their relationship. So they're there at WinShape Retreat and a few other places around the country we do our retreats occasionally. But they're just saying, Let's kind of get a refresher course here.
[00:06:40] So we provide them with grace-based hospitality, we provide them with this beautiful setting where they can just come together, draw closer to each other, and draw closer to the Lord. And through the program and through the chance to get them together, as opposed to hearing from us. We don't have to be the experts in everything. We would like couples to have an amazing experience. It's very powerful for couples that go through that.
Lastly, the adventures that we do—I have mentioned those—the adventures that we do are chances for small groups of couples who are led by what we call a host couples, somebody who's been to one of our trainings, who's been vetted by us, we know they're in growing marriage, not a perfect marriage, but a growing marriage.
And they just create these bucket list adventures and experiences for couples who are going around the world at different places, like maybe sailing in the British Virgin Islands, or hiking The Inca Trail to Machu Picchu, or trekking on the Camino de Santiago in northern Spain and a few other places where we go. But couples are getting the chance to get outside of their norm and to do something exciting, do something adventurous and do it together and achieve a goal that they couldn't necessarily achieve on their own, all while having amazing conversations and chances to introspect and look at their marriage.
Laura Dugger: [00:07:51] And I know you and I have spoken previously specifically about these adventures. And you say that generally an outcome is a stronger connection, and stronger memories. But also, there's some fascinating stuff that you mentioned, even with our brain, what happens on these adventures.
Dr. Matthew Turvey: So when couples get out of their normal, and we put them in a novel situation where they're faced with a challenge, which is what happens in our adventures, they start to create new memories. The more novel experience is, the more challenging the experience is, the more you have the chance for kind of a renewed sense of change or transformation perhaps in your brain, in your heart, in your spirit, in your behavior, and thus in your marriage.
So we create these experiences and these adventures for couples that... they're kind of like a metaphor for their marriage. So they have an element of journey and an element of challenge. And when couples go through these experiences, they're there and they walk through these experiences. And I think, in the end, when they conquer that Inca Trail together, like say, that's like 26-mile hike over four days at about 14,000 feet, so you feel like a chubby smoker when you're done with that. It is a mess. It is a hard hike.
But when couples go through them and they do it together, they've achieved what we call a superordinate goal. It's something that you can only do together with your spouse. So that's just a sense of accomplishment. If you can do that together, surely, you can figure out how to load the dishwasher better when you get back home, you can figure out how to put the kids to bed a little bit better. So it gives couples a sense of maybe a renewed vision for the relationship.
[00:09:26] Some of the science behind that stuff is really cool, because we know that when couples are in these experiences, it's what we call a sense of flow. There's a Czech psychologist who talks about this concept of flow. And in flow, this is where you just focus. You probably had an experience. If you're an artist or maybe you are a cyclist or a hiker, like when I'm hiking the Inca Trail, that's just one foot in front of the other, I'm not thinking about anything but the activity that I'm in.
So when you do that and you can share that experience with your spouse, you have different neurotransmitters that are firing off. So things like dopamine, norepinephrine, all these chemicals that are going off in your brain that are creating this positive experience. And when you have a positive experience like that, norepinephrine actually acts as a positive memory fixative is what we call it. So it's kind of saying that like, Okay, you know what, that was awesome. We should do that again. That's what it feels like.
Sometimes we have these amazing experiences, these bucket-list experiences on the adventures. Oxytocin is kicking off in your brain. Oxytocin, a lot of people know now as the cuddle hormone or the cuddle drug is what's released after sex and during breastfeeding. So if that's released for you and your spouse after this experience, it's like, Okay, we should cuddle. It's almost like this celebration. That's a bonding experience for couples when those neurotransmitters are released in their brain during the shared adventures.
Laura Dugger: [00:10:52] That's so fascinating because it's something that we probably wouldn't be aware of. But there's so much power even going on in our brains connecting us. And with all of these WinShape retreats, and intensives, and adventures, they all include what you call five agents of transformation. So will you share what those five agents are and why they're important?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Yeah. So those five agents of transformation are really kind of core to our DNA at WinShape Marriage. So any experience that we have, we think should have five key elements. One is the sequestered settings. So getting away from technology, it's getting away from, as much as I love them, it's getting away from my kids, it's getting away from work, it's getting away from responsibilities, and typically getting out in nature where we just have the chance to slow down.
There's actually some science behind this idea of a three-day reset that happens in our brain and in our bodies. When we're out in nature for three days away from the square lines of cement, and parking lots and all this stuff, when you're out in nature, it's just like, "Okay, I was kind of created for this." So we can slow down. When we slow down we're able to listen to our spouse better, we're able to listen to the Lord better. So a sequestered setting is the first one.
[00:12:03] We provide grace-based hospitality for couples. And WinShape has close ties with Chick-fil-A. You probably know. So hospitality has always been at Chick-fil-A. So all of our WinShape Marriage experiences, we're gonna make sure that we have grace-based hospitality. And it's really trying to figure out how to serve the couples that we're with in ways that they may not even expect. So we like to surprise and delight them, we like to be there for them. We like to give them experiences that are going to be powerful for them. And that can be through serving food. That can be through taking care of needs where they have needs. It can be all sorts of things.
The third element that we really want to make sure is involved with every WinShape Marriage experience is Bible-based teaching. So this is just where, well, probably most folks think of when they think of a retreat, perhaps is just Bible-based teaching. And well, that's important. It's not the only thing that we believe is transformative for couples when they go through one of our experiences.
If information alone transform, then go read Wikipedia, go just, you know, read a book. And that's powerful and that's important, but sometimes that information and that teaching isn't really sticky. It doesn't stick with us unless we combine it with these other four elements.
[00:13:12] So the fourth element that is really important to us is elements of worship. We want to make sure that every experience has an element of worship. And here's what's cool about that. Worship is not just singing praise songs. It's not just guitars around the campfires. It's not just singing hymns, or whatever, you know, people are used to.
I really want to encourage people to find their spiritual personality. Years ago, my wife and I read a book by Gary Thomas called Sacred Pathways. And he lists eight or nine different ways that people relate to God and connect to God. What was powerful for us was that I learned that this whole whole idea of having a shared Bible study or praying together in the morning, like that's just wasn't our shtick. I mean, it just didn't work for us.
So we tried it many times, come to find out that I connect to God through learning. When I learn something new, I feel like, all right, Lord, you're in it. And I love that. My wife connects to God through service. So we were trying to commit this deal where both of us would learn my way for learning, you know. But she learned through service and connected to God through service. So we just tried to make sure that we provide experiences for couples that are going to hit on all those different areas instead of just one.
[00:14:18] And the last one, last element or agent of transformation is experiential learning. So we want to make sure that you're not just learning with your eyes. You know, you're learning with your hands sometimes. you learn with your feet. You're out there doing something. And so we really craft experiences for couples that are metaphors for powerful principles and powerful lessons in their relationship in their marriage.
Laura Dugger: We'll come back shortly after a brief message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: [00:16:24] We're going to talk about three different types of relationships today and I would just love for you to speak to each of these types of couples. So first, the ones who want to prepare well for their marriage, and second, the ones who desire to enrich their marriage, and third, those who are just barely hanging on and they need to save their marriage. So what message do you have first for the ones who just want to prepare well for marriage?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: So do that early. I mean, don't wait until you're engaged, quite frankly. A lot of couples will come to our prepared last program or go to a premarital counselor with their pastor, their priest, or something of that community. Don't do that once you're engaged. I mean, make sure you do it before you're married. But if you could do that before you're engaged, man, you're way better off.
Because once the engagement happens, you're thinking, or she's thinking, maybe not both of you are thinking about, one of you is thinking about, oh, just a wedding. You know what? That's a big ol event and that's a great celebration. But if you got that on your mind, it's hard to think about your relationship, especially as you get closer and closer to the date. So do it early.
There are a lot of great assessments out there that you can take to check out all the different aspects of your relationship, people who can go through that with you. But take it seriously. I mean, be ready for your marriage and not just for your wedding.
Laura Dugger: [00:17:40] We're all about practicality here. So do you have any practical tips or tricks that you recommend for couples who are wanting to enrich their marriage, if they're hoping especially to take it from good to great?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Yeah, absolutely. Do a retreat. Getaway. I mean, we highly recommend... whether it's one of our retreats or somebody else's. I mean, it's just important sometimes to be able to remove some of the stresses, remove some of the barriers, remove some of the dross, the stuff that kind of impedes us sometimes. And you can't always do that when you're in the thick of it at home. So I think removing yourself from that situation is often very important.
I encourage also couples to not be afraid of doing deep work. A lot of couples come to retreat. There's usually the dragger and the draggee. It's usually the woman who's the dragger and the guy who's the draggee. In my relationship, I'm the dragger, my wife's the draggee. But just don't be afraid of going a little bit deeper with your spouse. Because I really think that in the chance to be emotionally vulnerable with your spouse, that's where we find connection, that's where we find intimacy. So don't be afraid of that.
I think we all were created for connection, and so we want that. And so if you trust the process of a retreat, then I can pretty much guarantee you're going to find something deeper in your relationship that maybe you didn't know was there. So I also encourage couples to take a posture of discovery. Take a posture discovering your relationship. You don't think that you got it all together.
I've worked with too many couples who have been married for, you know, whether it's seven years or whether it's 50 years, and they're saying, "No, I kind of got it figured out. I got him figured out." And they just let life go along. And they're not very intentional about it. They don't think that there's anything better or new for them. But if you take this posture of discovery, it kind of necessitates being humble. Like I don't have it all figured out. "So, sweetie..." My wife name's Nicole. "So Nicole, I want to learn something more about you. I want to go a little bit deeper in my relationship. What can we share? What's new? Can we do that?" So those are just some tips I would have for couples looking to enrich their marriage.
Laura Dugger: [00:19:45] Those are awesome. And I think if it does feel a little bit scary to open up and go deeper with your spouse, I think it's comforting to know that typically the other person listening to that. it will unlock compassion in them toward you. And so hopefully that's encouraging for someone today. And as we move on to this third type of couple, what would you want to communicate to those who are about to pursue a divorce?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Man, I know there are times where divorce is going to happen. So first off I want to make sure that those couples know there's a ton of grace from us, from the Lord, from those around them. Like, nobody really goes into marriage thinking, "We're gonna get a divorce." Right? So it's not plan A, it's not ever plan A. But there are times where when that is happening, we want to make sure that we are loving, and we're non-judgmental, and we're there beside those couples to support them.
I would also say that we want to say I think a lot of times there's hope. I just think that if couples can change some certain aspects or learn a few new things, like you just talked about compassion, if they can start to see their spouse with a lens of compassion instead of judgment, there's a lot of things that couples can do to actually save their marriage.
So WinShape, we want to come alongside those couples, and we want to help them. One thing we say a lot is that we want to help you as the guide on the side, not the sage on the stage. And so in that we do have some experts in marriage. But at the same time, like we're all people too, you know? So we want to walk alongside couples who are not feeling like they have hope, and we want to maybe be that out for them for a while.
We're going to hold that for them, we're going to hold that tension, that sadness, that grief, that anxiety they may have and we're going to do everything we can while they're with us to help them find a better way, to find some grace, to find some redemption for their story. And I've seen it work over and over and over again. The toughest situation where couples haven't been together for years, haven't lived in the same house, slept in the same bed, touched, talked for months, if not years, they can come to an intensive, and God shows up. God still in the business of doing miracles.
So I guess I would ask couples if they thought... you know if they could just give it another chance. When couples come into intensive, I never promise a result. We can't do that, you know? But what I can promise is that if a couple were to invest in the four to five days of intensive and trust the process, trust their counselors, dive into it deep, I can pretty much guarantee they're going to be in a different place, in a better place at the end of that experience.
Whether or not that means a marriage that is going to work, I can't promise that, you know. I wish I could. But I can guarantee that they're going to find some grace and they're going to find a new way of thinking that's probably going to help them in the future.
Laura Dugger: [00:22:39] Definitely. I love the grace in that response.
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[00:23:29] From your education, Dr. Turvey, and with your time just spent working with so many couples, are there any reoccurring patterns that you see in those marriages that seem to be the happiest and healthiest?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Yeah. I think couples that are doing really well they're intentional about their relationship. They don't sweat the small stuff. You know, I love my wife and we have an amazing marriage. And I'm thankful because truthfully, we've had some downtime. But for the most part, it's been pretty good.
And I think I look back on that and I think, Okay, in 22 years, what have we done right? We haven't sweat the small stuff. We went into this deal not really knowing what we're doing, quite frankly, but we both have come to the point where we have this shared vision for what we think our marriage can be. So I think couples that are doing well tend to have a shared vision.
Now couples are doing amazing have probably written down the shared vision and you know, put calligraphy on a pretty Pinterest poster on the wall, stuff like that. We're not there yet. But like I think we have this sense that we know what we're aiming for. We know what we want to do together, what we want our marriage and our family life to be about, what we want our legacy to be about. So I really think healthy and happy couples are able to do that.
I think that couples who are doing well appreciate the differences with their spouse. I know from personal experience when I was first married, I kind of married my wife because of the way she made me feel. So I loved her because of something she did for me. Then after a while, two years, three years, four years, whatever it was, she kind of got on my nerves.
Then I had to work through that and say, Okay, those things that I loved and those things I don't really like. So for a while then I kind of had to love in spite of the way my wife made me feel. But then eventually it kind of went back circle. And I realized those things that I loved in spite of are now those things I love because of. And so for me, it's been a beautiful expression of how I can love somebody who's totally different than me, shouldn't be like me, I shouldn't be like her. But in our uniqueness, we're able to kind of live fully as who we've been created to be.
Laura Dugger: [00:25:33] And I think we've covered so much and so many different types of couples. But let's just boil down all of this information. Do you have one baby step that a listener could take today, just to start moving in the right direction of pursuing a happier and healthier relationship?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Absolutely. Assume the best. Assume the best of your spouse. Assume the best and then seek the best for your spouse. I'm just a firm believer that so many times we come to marriage, and after a while, junk builds up between us and then we start assuming the worst. Like, you know, oh, she didn't love the dishwasher, right? She must have it in for me. Or she didn't do this thing for the kids around the house so she must think, you know, I'm a jerk or she must be mad at me or whatever.
But instead, what if I just said, You know what? I didn't see something happen that I wanted. The problem is my expectation, not my spouse. So I'm going to assume the best about my wife and say, You know what, she's probably had a tough day.
There's some big fancy, psychological terms about that called the fundamental attribution error, which is a long other story, which is, you know, I gotta sound smart. Sometimes I'm gonna say that little phrase today. But if people look it up, they'll learn about that. We tend to attribute the good things in our spouse to context around them as opposed to their internal reasons. We have to assume that the good things about our spouse are because of who they are, and not just because of the external circumstances around them. So assume the best, seek the best.
Laura Dugger: [00:26:57] I love that. And I think it tends to be such a self-fulfilling prophecy, because when you are seeking the best or assuming the best with your spouse, that's actually the person that they're becoming and they start doing those things as well. This has been awesome if anybody wants to find out more about you or about WinShape, where would you direct them?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Best place to find out more is winshapemarriage.org. WinShape is W-I-N-S-H-A-P-E from shaping winners as what came down from Truett Cathy about 35 years ago. You'll find all about our intensives, our retreats, our adventures, being a host couple that lead those adventures, and just all the things that we offer.
Laura Dugger: [00:27:41] Our listeners know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. And so I have my final question for you today. Dr. Matt, what is your savvy sauce?
Dr. Matthew Turvey: My savvy sauce comes from a lesson I learned from my daughter. I said at the beginning of the podcast that she's in improv comedy. And she came home one day, and she said, "One of the rules of improv comedy is that you never want to say no." She goes, "Always say yes and see what happens." So in my life lately I've been trying to live by that mantra—the say yes and see what happens. As long as it's not unsafe, illegal, unethical, stuff like that. I find too many times that in life, I shut off opportunities because I've said no. So I'm going to say yes and see what happens.
Laura Dugger: [00:28:24] Love it. I hope your daughter's excited that she taught you something.
Dr. Matthew Turvey: She's famous now.
Laura Dugger: Well, Dr. Turvey, thank you so much for just taking the time to share more about these incredible options that are available through WinShape and just for offering every listener hope. It was such a pleasure to host you today.
Dr. Matthew Turvey: Thank you for having me. Appreciate it.
Laura Dugger: [00:28:44] One more thing before you go, have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
[00:30:07] So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So are you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Jul 29, 2019
Monday Jul 29, 2019
*DISCLIAMER: This message briefly covers topics that are not suitable for little ears.
64. Stress Management, Self-Care, and Offering Grace to Important People in Our Life with Author and Speaker, Jill Savage
**Transcription Below**
1 Timothy 6:6 (NIV) “But godliness with contentment is great gain.”
Jill Savage is an author and speaker who is passionate about encouraging families. She is the author or co-author of twelve books. Featured on Focus on the Family, Crosswalk.com, Family Life Today and Today’s Christian Woman magazine, Jill is the founder of Hearts at Home, an organization that encouraged moms from 1994-2017. Jill and her husband, Mark, have five children, three who are married, two granddaughters and one grandson. They make their home in Normal, Illinois.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Books by Jill Savage:
Living With Less So Your Family Has More
Better Together by Jill Savage and Anne McClane
No More Perfect Marriages by Mark and Jill Savage
No More Perfect Kids by Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch
Opening up no more perfect date night membership for 5 days (closes Aug 2nd, 2019) *Savvy Sauce Listeners can use code “seminar” at checkout for $5 off monthly subscription*
Need a Next Step? Try Mark & Jill Savage’s FREE 4 week e-challenge here!
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Laura Dugger: Hey everyone, I just want to take 60 seconds and give you our family update. If you don't follow The Savvy Sauce on social media, you may not know that Mark and I had our fourth daughter, Kessler Story.
About two months ago, we did sneak the baby announcement into Episode 31 when Mark was my co-host for an interview we did with Clay Scroggins way back in December. Since her birth, so many of you have sent encouraging messages, you've brought us meals, prayed for our family transition, and even sent gifts. So we just want to say a huge thank you to each of you. We are so humbled at the impact of community, and we love you all so much.
Also, if you want to follow us on social media, you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at The Savvy Sauce. We would love to continue the conversation with you there after each episode.
[00:00:57] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:01:13] <music>
Laura Dugger: I just want to let you know that there is a portion of this message that contains topics that are not suitable for little ears. Please use discretion when you listen.
If you've listened to The Savvy Sauce for long, you know how much I enjoy FabFitFun, which is a seasonal subscription box. I will share more details later in this episode, specifically how you can receive over $200 worth of products for less than $40 just by using the code SAVVY at checkout when you visit fabfitfun.com. Thanks for your sponsorship.
Author and speaker Jill Savage joins us today to articulate how we can enjoy the richness of relationships with our friends, our children, and our spouse. She will also share more about her own personal story, including the things that she's so thankful she did as a young wife and mom that have paid great dividends now as an empty nester who is happily married.
You don't want to miss all these practical and fun life applications. Here's our chat. [00:02:21]
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jill.
Jill Savage: Well, thank you. It's good to be with you.
Laura Dugger: Well, I know that we're going to cover so many topics today, but will you start us off by telling us a bit more about your family and your ministry?
Jill Savage: Absolutely. I am a mother of five, and I am Nana to three. We live in Normal, Illinois, and we have a lot of fun with that name. Our kids went to Normal schools, we go to a Normal church.
Honestly, my life work is about helping people know what is normal in motherhood, in marriage, life and for us to learn to accept what is normal and learn how to embrace the imperfect in our life. So I have a real heartbeat, particularly for moms and marriages.
My kids are all grown. The youngest is 23 and the oldest is 34. So they are all young adults. My husband and I are empty nesters. In fact, I have a new book coming out called Empty Nest, Full Life. So I'm really excited about that as well. [00:03:29]
Bottom line, I minister to moms and marriages. I led the ministry Hearts at Home for 24 years, which was an organization that encouraged moms.
Then for the last couple of years, my husband and I have launched what we call JAM Savage Ministries, which stands for Jill and Mark Savage Ministries. We do marriage coaching, marriage retreats, I speak at women's events, and do a lot of ministry online through the blog, and just absolutely love bringing hope and help to moms and marriages.
Laura Dugger: Well, your bio is remarkable. You've spoken to so many audiences and I know that one of your popular topics is living with less so your family has more. Will you elaborate on that vision?
Jill Savage: Yeah. Living With Less was one of my favorite books. It's no longer in print, but there's lots of used copies out there. And it's in the library system as well. [00:04:33]
But the concept of living with less so your family has more is that we can live with less stress, less activities, and less money than what is culturally acceptable. And bottom line, living with less so your family has more is about standing up to adult peer pressure.
Whether we realize it or not, whether we label it that or not, the truth is we all deal with peer pressure in some way, shape, or form. And so that's really what living with less so your family has more is about, is learning to do the right thing for your family regardless of whether it's the popular thing that others are doing.
Laura Dugger: Where do you see our culture having abundant excess currently and what is actually limiting that we might be unaware of?
Jill Savage: Well, I think that as moms, as parents, we want to give our kids the best. So we want to give them every opportunity. [00:05:33] We want to make sure that they are able to try all the sports and that they have music lessons and all of that, which is important and it's valuable. And our kids do need to find out where their talents lie and have the opportunity to try things.
But I think that sometimes what we miss is that sometimes they need time with us, not just time when we are going back and forth to activities. They need white space in their life. In the same way that we can read a book because of the white space around the edges on the margin and behind the words, we need white space in our life.
And oftentimes we are just filling, filling, filling our kids' schedules and our own schedules, and that may not actually be what they need. So we can live with less activities so we can enjoy more quality time. We can live with less money so that we can enjoy maybe a simpler home environment where maybe one parent is at home and one is working. [00:06:44]
So sometimes we are only thinking about the things that bring more by doing more. And what we have to realize is when we actually slow down our pace down, we can actually experience more. And sometimes that “more” is a more in our soul. That's really what we need to experience as well as our kids.
Laura Dugger: I just think it's fascinating to hear you talk about this because we're hearing so much about the minimalist movement. Do you have any personal stories of how your family executed this idea?
Jill Savage: Well, you know one thing, for instance, when our kids were growing up, we didn't have cable television. I mean a lot of people did but we didn't. It came down to money. We were a one-income family. My husband was working full-time, I was a stay-at-home mom.
There were things we wanted to do. Each of our kids could only do one activity. You know, did they want to do more than that? Sure they did. But when we looked at it and we said, all right, there is the possibility of you being able to do all these activities, there's the possibility of us having cable television, you name it, whatever else we wanted. [00:08:00] But in order to do that, I have to go to work. I have to work outside the home.
So when we look at what that will cost us, is that in line with our values? And it wasn't. We had to look at it and go, no, it's not a trade-off we want to make.
Every family has to decide what's right for them. We could make it in this world on one income. One time... I will never forget this. It was an article in our local newspaper, and they asked this question. They said, is it really about the high cost of living, or is it about the high cost of the way we choose to live?
I can remember reading that and that just really stuck with me. Because I was like, wow, I need that reminder. And I realized, no, we are choosing to live without cable television. We are choosing to live without extra activities that our kids do. [00:09:03] We are choosing to buy clothes at a second-hand store rather than new clothes. But we are choosing to do that because we value that one of us is home at least during this particular season of our life.
Laura Dugger: And you've published so many books in addition to sending out a newsletter periodically. But in one of those newsletters, I remember you wrote that the typical mom has about 17 minutes a day to herself. And I think you're very accurate. So it leads me into another question. Why are you so passionate to help women understand that taking care of themselves is actually taking care of their family?
Jill Savage: I'll tell you what, anything that I'm passionate about is because of my own journey in that area. You know, in the beginning when my husband and I got married, for us the stick turned blue at 11 months. So we obviously had a baby nine months later, so we hadn't even been married two years before we began our family. [00:10:12]
Of course, what every mom does, you throw yourself into this. I found myself feeling very overwhelmed with life. I was also going to school full-time at the time. I had this new little baby, really was somewhat newly married, and I really didn't take care of myself. I found that I was, for a lack of a better word or a better description, I was broken down on the side of the road and somebody had to rescue me.
I knew that this was not healthy. I had to figure out something different. So I began to really explore first, what is my fuel? What fills me up? Honestly, that is as different as every mom out there has a different kind of fuel. What fuels one mom, it may not fuel her best friend. So we have to know ourselves and identify what our fuel is. [00:11:13]
As I began to identify that, then I began to realize that I needed to pull up the filling station on a regular basis. And that when I did that, yes, it might take time away from my kids, I might need time alone, but when I did that, I was actually able to be a better mom, to be a better wife. So I was then serving my family out of the fullness of my tank instead of trying to serve them on an empty tank.
So that's why I'm so passionate about encouraging moms to identify their fuel and then to be intentional about pulling up to that filling station. And to recognize that when you do that, it's not selfish. Self-care is not selfish. It is really a part of your job description of taking care of your family and taking care of your marriage. You first have to take care of yourself so you have something to give to them. [00:12:15]
Laura Dugger: How do we know then if we're not getting enough self-care or if we're getting too much? Or do you even think that's possible to get too much?
Jill Savage: I suppose it's possible. I haven't met very many moms who have too much self-care. And I've been in mom ministry for almost 30 years now. I think I would have met a few along the way.
But I think that the first place that we have to look is, how are we handling the everyday stuff of life? When milk gets spilled, are we losing it? Or I like to say, are we reacting or are we responding? Are we reacting in anger and maybe shame and raised voice or are we responding in grace, in kindness, in sensitivity, and compassion?
When we pay attention to our reactions, it's a clue. Because the reason we react is most often because our own tank is empty and we just literally have no gas in the gas tank to handle what just happened. [00:13:25] And as you and I both know, anything that we deal with with kids, it is just a constant need to respond.
I think the first place that we need to recognize and maybe we have a red flag that goes up if our responses are more reactions and we're not happy with who we are in those unexpected moments of motherhood, which there are dozens a day, then that's a clue that we need to be a little bit more intentional about self-care.
Laura Dugger: Do you have any ideas for true self-care?
Jill Savage: So I think the first thing with self-care is spiritually we have to make sure we're filling our tank. That we are being intentional about connecting to the God who created us and who designed us to do motherhood with Him. I think that is something we all need.
The second part of self-care is we need to know what is our own personal temperament. I would start with extrovert, introvert. Because an extrovert is refueled by being with people. An introvert is refueled by being alone. [00:14:37] So you need to know which one are you and therefore what fuel do you need?
So I didn't understand the introvert extrovert thing for many years. In fact, I thought I was an extrovert. I have pretty good people skills. I'm fine being with people, but I crave being alone. And here I was a mom of five children, five kids, you're hardly ever alone.
I remember when the number four came along... we adopted number five. So this was when number four was infant. I remember my husband coming home from work one day... as you can imagine, you know, if you hit number four... you hit number three, and you're outnumbered.
So here's number four, and we're double outnumbered. And I remember saying to my husband, and I was desperate, I said, "I want to cut a deal with you." And he was like, "A deal? What are you talking about?" And I'm like, when you get home from work, I need 30 minutes, 30 minutes in the bedroom by myself." And he was like, "Okay." I said, "I don't know what it is. I just feel like I need a break." [00:15:45]
So we began to call that daddy wrestle time. The kids knew when dad came home, he changed into comfortable clothes and then the kids had time with him and I would go in the bedroom, close the door. And I took my Bible with me and I took the newspaper with me. Because I just felt like I didn't even know what day of the week it was. I didn't know what was going on in the world. I was just so knee-deep in taking care of my family.
And that little 30 minutes would just fill up my tank enough to get through the evening to get the kids in bed. And then I'd have a couple of hours after the kids were in bed before I went to bed, which would fill up my tank for the next day.
So I think that it's really important for us to understand what does fill my tank from an introvert, extrovert perspective. And then beyond that, the question is, what activities do I do that bring me life? [00:16:45] You know, what is it that when I do it I lose track of time because I just love it?
That may take a little longer for someone to figure out. But I think all three of those, spending time with God, identifying if you're introvert or extrovert, and if you need people or you need quiet, and then what are the activities that bring you life?
And then what we have to do is we have to intentionally put those things into our life. We have to schedule appointments on our calendar with ourselves, for ourselves, so that we protect those filling up times so that we can then be good for our family outside of those times.
The key is to identify what your fuel is and then make sure that you put it into your life proactively rather than reactively. Because when we try to do it reactively, man, we're on an empty tank and it takes a lot more to fill. [00:17:44]
Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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So, again, that's fabfitfun.com, and enter the code SAVVY at checkout to get $10 off your first box. This brings the total down to $39.99. I hope you enjoy your subscription as much as I have. Thanks for your sponsorship. [00:19:19]
Laura Dugger: Many of our listeners are female, and they can probably relate to being over-committed or stressed out. So what are some strategies that you've found to be most helpful as it relates to stress management?
Jill Savage: The first one that comes to my mind is learning to say no. And I think as women, we really struggle with this. I think we want to say yes. We desire to please. But I think that there are some very practical ways that we can learn to say no that may be helpful.
So let me share a few of those. The first one is never say yes on the spot. Never say yes on the spot. Because what we need to do is we need to step back and kind of take a deep breath, look at the big picture, and identify, can I realistically do what I've been asked to do? Is this a good time for me? Do I have the margin in my life? [00:20:18]
I'll give you a personal example of a time where I had this rule in place and I broke it and I paid for breaking it. I had somebody approach me at church one Sunday. And this was just a couple of weeks before the Hearts at Home conference. This Heart at Home conference, for those that don't know about it, was a big conference. Usually 4,000 to 6,000 moms attend these conferences.
I had a message to prepare. I had all kinds of things. You know, I had to get ready for the conference. And this person said, "Hey Jill, you know, Dave and Amanda are... Amanda's on bed rest with the twins and we're doing meals and I'm wondering if you could provide a meal for them this Thursday." I quickly thought about it and I'm like, "Well, it's a meal and I have to prepare a meal for my family, so why don't I just double it? It's really not a big deal." And I said yes on the spot. [00:21:18]
So that was Sunday. Get through the week and it's Thursday. And I have had a lot on my plate. I'm doing all kinds of things to get ready for this conference, but I managed to make a really nice meal for my family. We had... I can even remember it. We had meatloaf and baked potatoes and green beans. And I made these yummy rolls. It was way better than the frozen pizza we had the night before.
So we sat down to dinner and my husband was like, "Oh, Jill, this meal is so good." He's like, "Is this what you took to Dave and Amanda tonight?" And all of a sudden, I was mortified. "Oh my gosh! Is today Thursday? I completely forgot it. I completely forgot."
I looked at the clock. It was 6:30. I was supposed to have a meal to them at 5:00. I immediately ran, grabbed my phone, called, Amanda picked up the phone just laughing and she was like, "It's okay Jill." And I'm like, "Oh, I should have never said yes because it's two weeks before the conference. I am so sorry." I mean, I'm apologizing up one side down the other. [00:22:25]
And bless her heart. She was like we have leftovers. We have more than enough food. We're fine. I could just kick myself. Had I not said yes on the spot and stepped back and really thought about it, the better answer would have been, Thank you for asking me. This is not a good time for me to add anything else to my plate. If you would ask me again in three weeks, which I knew that they still would need meals at that time, I would be happy to.
That would have been a much better response and a much better way for me to have said no, and it would have ended better for her, and it would have ended better for me.
Laura Dugger: What encouragement do you want to offer the listeners as it relates to friendship in all seasons of life?
Jill Savage: Friendship has been a learning curve for me because I grew up having guy friends, not very many girlfriends. And I was fine with that. I found female friendships to be, oh, a little dramatic, a little complicated. [00:23:32]
So I found myself very content with a few guy friendships that I had growing up. Got married. Of course, I left many of those friendships behind. We had some couple friends. But when I became a mom I began to realize that I really did need other women in my life. I needed other women who understood my life, who understood the very things that I struggled with, who maybe were a step ahead of me in one area or another that I could learn from. So I really had to be intentional about beginning to forge those female friendships.
Eventually, I wrote a book on that topic along with my daughter and came out just a couple of years ago called Better Together: Because You're Not Meant to Mom Alone. None of us are meant to mom alone. But let's be honest, many of us still feel like when we are dealing with friendships, we're dealing with the same feelings we had in junior high. [00:24:35]
We sometimes feel outside the circle. We have trouble connecting. We fear rejection. We struggle reaching out. Sometimes that's because of the fear of rejection. Sometimes we just simply don't know how. We've heard in the past.
So I think every mom struggles through that. But what we have to learn is that we really aren't designed to do this alone and that we need to be intentional about forging those relationships.
Now, introvert/extrovert plays into this as well. And I never knew this until several years ago. But extroverts will have a wide circle of friends. Introverts will have just two or three close friends and a very narrow circle. And that's perfectly normal for both. So you need to know which you are and you need to embrace kind of the friendship temperament that you will have as well. [00:25:35]
Laura Dugger: You especially illustrated that friendship adds such a sweetness and a richness to life. So do you have any actionable steps we can take today to become a better friend or bravely reach out to connect with others?
Jill Savage: Well, I would say just do it. Whatever it is. Maybe you know someone that is going through a difficult time. You know, maybe it's a neighbor. Maybe it's somebody in your mom's group. Maybe it's somebody at work. What is one thing that would just lighten their load? Just do it.
Maybe you need to build your friendship circle. Maybe your friends have moved away. Maybe you've always struggled in this area and it's time for you to pick up the phone and literally say, Hey would you like to meet for coffee? Just do it. Just do it. Are you going to have to find courage to do this? Are you going to have to push through fear, push through rejection? Yes, you might have to. [00:26:41]
But, you know, in the past eight years, I have walked through a breast cancer. I have walked through my husband's infidelity and leaving, eventually coming home and us restoring our marriage, but that was a really dark season. I have walked through a son with severe mental health issues and several suicide attempts.
And in all three of those life-shattering situations, it was the women who just simply did it that made all the difference in the world. They didn't ask me what I needed. They didn't say, Hey, if you need something, just let me know.
They literally showed up on the doorstep with a casserole or sent a gift card to go get pizza or called from the grocery store and said, Hey, I'm at the grocery. Is there anything that you need? They just did it. They didn't ask. They just did. [00:27:45] And I think we can all take that actionable next step in many different situations.
Laura Dugger: Oh Jill, thank you for sharing your trials with such authenticity. You've been through so much, and yet you model freely offering grace. So I'm curious, from your experience, has it been harder to forgive the big and obvious transgressions in your family or the smaller daily frustrations in marriage and family life?
Jill Savage: I think the everyday stuff is hard. Certainly, infidelity is huge. I don't minimize that in any way shape or form. We had nearly two years of healing from that. But it's that every day live next to each other, bump into each other's imperfect that really causes challenges for most of us.
I would say that's the place where God has really grown me and there's been a softening in my life of handling those everyday things better and with more grace. In the past, I was characterized by judgment. I was characterized by criticism. [00:29:04] I was characterized by maybe a tone of voice that said a million words that I would never say, but my tone said.
And most of that kind of stuff comes out in just the everyday stuff of life. Not the big things, but the little things that grate against each other all the time. And so I think that while it was really difficult in the big place, and it certainly took a lot of hard work, I think where most of us struggle is just the daily imperfect stuff of life that we deal with all the time. And I think the more we can learn to respond in a kind, grace-filled, compassionate way, the better our relationships will be.
Laura Dugger: Hi friends! You've heard us request that you take a moment to rate and review us on iTunes, and I just want to give you a quick explanation of why that is so important. If you have enjoyed the content this far on The Savvy Sauce, this is just a simple way you can express your gratitude. Because when you give us a 5-star rating and written review, it helps us gain more listeners, which in turn leads to better guests and more sponsors who make the future of The Savvy Sauce possible. Thank you for taking a moment to help us out so that we can all grow together. [00:30:30]
All of your books have so much to say about grace, and I'd love to zero in on one topic specifically. How do you recommend that we give grace to our family, even if it's hard or we believe they don't deserve it?
Jill Savage: You know, the only way we can give grace is if we receive grace. And we receive grace from God who gives it freely. We can't earn it. It is a free gift. Grace is when we get mercy instead of punishment. I like to say with our family that we need to be giving them grace space. And that is the space to be human, the space to make mistakes and not get raked over the coals for every wrong little thing that they do.
You know, an example of this in my own life is my husband loves his coffee. He also manages to drip coffee all over my freshly mopped kitchen floor. A lot. [00:31:36] I used to kind of operate with forgiveness... And grace requires forgiveness. But I would forgive, I would think to myself, Okay, Lord, I forgive him for this coffee splotch. I'm going to clean it up. But I would address it with my husband. I would say, Hey, babe, could you be more careful when you are getting your coffee because there's just splotches all over the floor?
And I realized several years ago that I was going to change my strategy for responding to his coffee splotches and I was going to give grace instead. And what that means is, yes, I forgive him each time I clean it up, but I'm choosing that for the rest of my married life I will serve my husband and clean up his coffee splotches and say nothing. That's what grace space looks like.
It's allowing someone to be human and to determine that you're going to live next to their imperfect and you're not going to try to change every imperfect thing about them. [00:32:40]
Laura Dugger: You were just refreshingly transparent. I'm curious, as you reflect back on your years of marriage, what are the things that you're most grateful you did early on that you're seeing the fruit or the blessing of now after many years together?
Jill Savage: Well, I would definitely say taking time away from the kids I think was huge and important. We learned early on that we needed to be marriage-centered, not child-centered. In the beginning, we were child-centered, but we learned that lesson the hard way.
We ended up in the counselor's office sorting through all kinds of junk. And one of the things we realized is that our kids were coming before our marriage and honestly that wasn't doing us any good and it wasn't doing them any good.
I think that that is really, really important that we take time away. And whether that is a once-a-week date night, a once-every-other-week date night, and maybe a once-a-year getaway, maybe on your anniversary, I think that it's extremely important. [00:33:46]
It's important for you as a parent and as a couple because we need to have fun together. We need to explore the world together. We need to remember who we are outside of being parents.
But the second thing is it sets a role model for our kids. And I think that is extremely important that our kids see that mommies and daddies need to take time for each other. And not only that but in your kid's world, you are their world. And so if you're okay, then their world is okay. So it provides security for your kids as well.
Laura Dugger: Would they echo that now that they're adults? Are they glad that you and your husband took time away from them to invest in one another?
Jill Savage: Oh, absolutely. Our oldest daughter even can remember before we did when we were child-centered versus marriage-centered. And she can remember that switchover because she was probably close to 12 at the time that we made that switchover. And certainly, she has seen that. [00:34:53]
And she and her husband have carried it forth into their marriage. So they take time. Oftentimes we help with kids, they trade with other couples, they find a sitter. I mean, they use all kinds of strategies for child care so that they get some time with each other.
Laura Dugger: When you're in the middle of parenting, you may be blinded that your family is actually very child-centered. So are there any red flags or identifiers?
Jill Savage: Well, I would say one is, particularly us moms, we can easily look at our husbands and go, hey, you can dress yourself, you can feed yourself. Quite frankly, you can take care of yourself in the bathroom. Everybody else needs me, you're on your own buddy. You know, we don't want to do that.
But oftentimes a desperate mom who is just exhausted so easily goes there. And that would be a red flag if you thought about that. It's like, Hey these kids need me. You're a big boy, take care of yourself. That's a red flag. That's not healthy thinking. [00:36:02]
Another red flag would be you know I don't want to leave the kids. Being fearful of actually leaving the kids because really you're putting your kids before your marriage. In order to have time for just the two of you have to be willing to leave them.
Of course, when they're little and they're nursing or something like that, you may have shorter date nights, but they're still very important to have. I think a lot of times it comes down to the thinking that we have. Sometimes it can even be about physical intimacy in marriage. Like if it's just one more thing on the to-do list, that is a clue, a) that you probably need some refueling, self-care time. b) that you've really forgotten the importance of both emotional and physical intimacy.
That would probably be the other piece that I think would be a red flag is, if all you're talking about is diapers and dishes, that is a clue that things are getting real surface. [00:37:11] So one of the things my husband and I created several years ago is something called No More Perfect Date Night. It's actually a membership site for couples, it's a club for your marriage where we give couples something to watch together.
It's usually just anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes in length. It might be an interview with a marriage expert or it might be taking a topic and talking about it for 10 minutes and then discussion questions to go deeper. Because what often happens is we just get talking about the dailiness of life and we stop talking about our feelings and our dreams and our hopes and our fears and our struggles. So we need to keep that going even when life becomes very daily, because that is what human connection is all about.
Laura Dugger: Do you have any practical strategies that you implemented to keep your marriage a higher priority than your parenting?
Jill Savage: Well, definitely. I think date night was sacred. We did not have family around and we didn't have money to hire a sitter. [00:38:19] So the only thing we could do is find other couples to trade with. So like we would trade every Friday night. There was one couple we traded with. Our date nights would go from Friday night to Saturday at noon. So it included an overnight.
So it was making those sacred and saying nothing unless you know there's some requirement for your job or somebody's sick or something like that. Friday nights were sacred. We either were watching our friends' kids, which honestly gave us great time because our kids played well together, even if their kids were at our house, or our kids were at their house. And we were having time, just the two of us.
So I would say that was a huge piece. And then asking each other questions that went deeper than, how was your day? We might say, how can I pray for you? What was the best thing that happened today? What was the hardest thing that happened today? Those require just a little bit deeper conversation and they help us stay connected to what's happening in each of our individual worlds. [00:39:25]
When we started asking questions like that, it really began to make a difference for us in the depth of our relationship.
Laura Dugger: Will you give us an overview of some of the resources that you've published and then direct listeners where they can connect with you online?
Jill Savage: Absolutely. The best place to connect with me online is at jillsavage.org. That's where you're going to find my blog. It's where you're going to find my books. The books that we talked about today, Living With Less So Your Family Has More. We got into a little bit of the No More Perfect Moms book and the No More Perfect Marriages book that we have as well.
And if couples are looking to take date night to a new level or to take their marriage to a new place and deepen their conversations, we encourage them to become a No More Perfect Date Night member. If somebody is listening to this, we'll even offer a special just for you, your listeners. If they use the coupon code seminar, and that would be S-E-M-I-N-A-R, they can get $5 off a month for No More Perfect Date Night. So we would love to have them. They can go to nomoreperfectdatenight.com to learn more about that. [00:40:46]
If registration is closed for Date Night, have them connect with me through my website and we will make sure that they get in.
Laura Dugger: We will link to all of those websites and resources in the show notes. Our listeners know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. So, Jill, I have one final question for you today. What is your savvy sauce?
Jill Savage: I was thinking about it as it relates to friendship. We were talking about friendship and it is a phrase that I say to myself all the time when I am tempted to compare or feel less than or in some cases we feel better than if we see somebody that doesn't look like they've got their act together. But it is the phrase, she has a backstory I don't know.
And whether it's the woman standing in front of you in the checkout line at the grocery store or a mom that you're looking at across the room at your child's school, or somebody that you see at church every Sunday, we don't know their stuff. We don't know what they're carrying. [00:42:00]
And I think it's fair to say that all of us are hurting in some way, shape, or form in some part of our life much of the time. I once heard somebody say that 95% of life is hard. If you're in that 5%, great, enjoy it. But 95% is hard.
When I say that to myself, she has a backstory I don't know, it pulls me back from the ledge of comparison and plants me on the firm foundation of reality. And that is a gift I give to myself. It's a gift I give to others as well.
Laura Dugger: Jill, thank you so much for being vulnerable. Your humility just has a way of pointing us back to God, who is the author and perfecter of our faith. So thank you very much for joining us today.
Jill Savage: Thanks for having me.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. [00:43:00] Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. [00:44:02] Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. [00:45:08] Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time. [00:46:03]
Monday Jul 22, 2019
Monday Jul 22, 2019
*DISCLAIMER* This episode is intended for adults
63. Maximizing Sexual Intimacy During the 3 Most Challenging Seasons in Marriage with Christian Sex Therapist Pioneers, Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner
**Transcription Below**
Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner are best known for their pioneer work in encouraging people of all faiths to connect their sexuality with their belief system ─ helping them embrace sex as good and of God. Dr. Clifford is a licensed clinical psychologist and Joyce is a registered nurse and clinical nurse specialist. They are highly respected authors and speakers, in addition to being parents and grandparents.
Song of Solomon 1:2 “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth - for your love is more delightful than wine."
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner’s Website
Books by Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner:
Enjoy! The Gift of Sexual Pleasure for Women
The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex
The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
Sex FAQ We Didn’t Have Time to Cover Today
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Sexual Wholeness
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:07] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
As a teacher or counselor, have you ever wished you could get more training on healthy sexuality or to have better skills in helping people deal with the sexual part of their lives? Sexual Wholeness is a Christian teaching organization desiring to help you accomplish this goal through classes and helpful resources. Visit them online at sexualwholeness.com.
We enjoyed Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner so much on a previous episode that we decided to bring them back to The Savvy Sauce. The Penners are best known for their pioneer work in helping people embrace sex as good and of God.
Today we discuss problems and solutions related to sexual intimacy that arise in various seasons of marriage. [00:01:18] We're going to cover the times of becoming new parents, having teenage children, and effects from aging. Prepare to learn a lot.
Hello, Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner.
Joyce Penner: Hello there. We're so excited to be with you.
Laura Dugger: Well, thanks for joining again here at The Savvy Sauce. If anyone missed our previous recording together, could you both just share a bit about yourselves and the work that you do?
Dr. Clifford: Sure. We didn't grow up thinking that we were gonna be sex therapists. In fact, we both grew up as men [00:01:51] and nights and we did not have it written in our high school yearbook that this is what we're gonna strive for. We can assure you that.
Joyce Penner: We are both pursuing our individual professions. I was a nursing professor. And Cal State LAN was actually in charge of developing the curriculum for a new school of nursing at Azusa Pacific University here in California.
Dr. Clifford: Which I should quickly say… which is now ranked as one of the top ten nursing schools in the nation.
Joyce Penner: Just came out.
Dr. Clifford: So, that's a proud thing. As a result of my being asked to talk to a group of women about talking to their kids about sex, and then being asked to teach a course for women on sexual adjustment in marriage, we joined our professions because I didn't want to do it alone on the subject that I wasn't feeling like I was that much of an expert on.
And so we started teaching in 1975. So this is 43 years ago. [00:02:54]
Joyce Penner: We're kind of known as the pioneers in the field of helping the church integrate sexuality as a gift from God.
Dr. Clifford: Then we got trained so that we had some real knowledge about this area. Then in 1979-80 we were asked to write our first book, The Gift of Sex. Our most recent books, our 10th and 11th book just came out this past September. Enjoy! The Gift of Sexual Pleasure for Women and The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex.
Joyce Penner: But each step of the way we feel like we have been called and led to this and see it as such a gift for us personally that we have followed that leading. It's been very fulfilling to see that we can make a difference in couples lives and there's a lot of hope when things aren't going the way you want them to go.
Dr. Clifford: One of the delights has been that since we do this together we've gotten to go all over the world teaching this, from Singapore to Indonesia to Africa, Europe, all over. So it's been a delightful life even though it wasn't what we planned, wasn't what my mother approved of. [00:04:08]
Laura Dugger: Glad for your work and contribution. Let's just dive right into a specific season that presents many challenges in intimacy. Because a lot of our listeners are new moms or moms with children still at home. So maybe for that first-time mom, what can she expect after childbirth?
Joyce Penner: We always say just to review that the three seasons that are probably the most difficult are when you first have children, then when the children become teenagers, and then health changes of aging. So those are probably the three most challenging.
So let's talk to new moms first. The statistics show that after the first child, or even maybe the beginning of the first pregnancy, sexual frequency goes down significantly.
Dr. Clifford: Well, the research shows it goes to about half of what it was before. This is pretty common. We're not saying that's how it should be or that that's an excuse, but it is a fact. And why is that? Because the woman's focus obviously changes to this little baby inside her or the one that's crying in the next room or the one that's nursing off of her. [00:05:19]
Joyce Penner: Well, and the couple's focus changes too, not just hers.
Dr. Clifford: That's right.
Joyce Penner: But then her body changes, and the hormones change, and especially with breastfeeding. To breastfeed you have to have large surge of prolactin, and prolactin shuts down sexual desire and response. And so all of that energy goes into nursing, feeding the baby, and all of that hormonal surge.
Dr. Clifford: Well, and then you may have experienced some physical trauma in the birth that causes pain when a couple reunites. Digressing maybe a little bit here. When a couple is gonna have their first sexual experience after they had a baby, we always encourage them to take it almost like a new experience, like a wedding night experience where they're gonna come at it very thoughtfully and slowly guided by the woman and perhaps not even end up having sexual intercourse with the first sexual contact and move into it very much like we talk about in our book getting your sex life off to a great start.
Joyce Penner: So that if there is pain or changes that have happened, which, well, there will be changes that have happened in the whole sexual birth passageway, so those things have to be accommodated for those changes. And making sure it's a positive experience. [00:06:43]
The main thing we recommend during those years is to keep connected, to be intentional about your sex life, to be intentional about staying connected sexually, even if it isn't that you're having actual sexual intercourse as frequently, making sure that you make it the best it can be given your reality.
Dr. Clifford: And this is often when our sexual experiences shift from growing out of interest and desire and shift to them happening out of a decision for them to happen. See, all of us would like to have our sexual experiences when we're both turned on and both want it. That's the most fun. But once babies come along or the husband is working later, the wife is working late, or whatever it may be-
Joyce Penner: The external stresses of life pull your energy away from being intimate with each other
Dr. Clifford: Then it is most likely to happen by decision, because if you just waiting for desire it may be a long wait. But if you decide you're gonna be sexual and then set it up in the best way it possibly can under your circumstances, then it can bring about interest and desire as you get into the experience itself. [00:08:10]
Joyce Penner: So in other words, taking time in your life to determine when you're going to be together and how you're going to make it happen and who's going to initiate. Babies seem to know when their mom and dad want to have sex. If they've been sleeping through the night, that's sure the time they're going to wake up and cry.
Dr. Clifford: Yeah, they seem to have some kind of radar that picks that up. But the main point is that once you get into the stressful part of life, like with kids, then it is most likely that it's going to happen because you decide for it to happen rather than just out of the spontaneous passion and desire.
Laura Dugger: I love that you say you'll still enjoy it even when you decide, but that you're more likely to enjoy it if you've decided ahead of time. And sometimes once you're already in that mode, the arousal may come after stimulation.
Joyce Penner: Yes. Yeah. You may not move into it feeling like it, but when you have the time to cuddle, to be close, if there isn't demand and it's mutual and you're both going for it, and you're both free to allow yourselves to move as you're ready, and there's that freedom with each other, then it usually ends up being very positive. [00:09:25]
We just have to change our expectations. If you're thinking that you're going to wait until it's the way it was before you had kids, as Cliff said, you'll do a lot of waiting.
Dr. Clifford: Now, I think we need to specifically address the pain issue though.
Joyce Penner: Right, yes.
Dr. Clifford: Because of episiotomy or whatever happened during the birth time-
Joyce Penner: Any tearing, any trauma.
Dr. Clifford: And even if it was a cesarean, then you've got the incision kind of issues. So let's talk about that.
Joyce Penner: Well, the main thing we want to say there, do not continue any sexual activity that triggers pain because pain perpetuates more pain. It's just like when people have their back go out, they give muscle relaxant. Because when your back hurts, if you move or sit in a certain position, you tense your muscles. The more you tense your muscles, the more it hurts. So it makes it worse and worse rather than getting better.
The same thing is true with vaginal pain. If it hurts and you keep doing it, the pain's going to get worse and worse, not better. [00:10:30]
Dr. Clifford: Well, and then, obviously, that will reduce desire, and in all likelihood will even reduce arousal, because you're not likely to get aroused when it's hurting, and for sure you're not going to have an orgasm when it's hurting.
Joyce Penner: You know, do you choose to go to the dentist? Yes, because you need to. But you don't need to have sex with pain.
Laura Dugger: That's good. And so that may be a time, if somebody is listening to this and that's their experience right now, we would certainly recommend reaching out for professional help. And there is hope.
Joyce Penner: Yes. That's for sure. There is help. The most effective help available today for pain with sex is pelvic floor physical therapy. And you can go to pelvicpain.org and find a provider in your area.
Dr. Clifford: These are people who are specifically trained to deal with the muscles in the pelvic region. So they can identify the source of the pain and work with a physician and a therapist or whatever to help you get past that pain so that you can move on to an enjoyable, pain-free sexual experience. [00:11:41]
Joyce Penner: But in today's world, when somebody comes to us with pain, we start with referring them to a pelvic floor physical therapist.
Laura Dugger: That's very helpful. You mentioned another stage where a lot of people say it's difficult is when their children become teenagers.
Dr. Clifford: Yeah. One of the main reasons for that is because they're up all night.
Joyce Penner: You don't get any sleep. You're helping with homework.
Dr. Clifford: You don't want to go to bed before they go to bed, or whatever your system is, and so they may be up till one o'clock, and not a lot of good sexual activity happens after midnight, you know?
Joyce Penner: And then you never know for sure when they're going to come home, so you don't want to be in the middle of the sexual experience, or they're studying in the bedroom next door.
It is okay to tell your kids, you don't want to draw them into your sex life, but to tell them, you know, mom and dad need some privacy. We're taking some time for ourselves this evening. If you guys can do your homework out here or whatever your house setup is.
You don't announce we're having sex, but they probably catch on and it's probably good that they know that you have an ongoing relationship because if you're teaching them to wait for marriage for sex and then they think it doesn't happen in marriage, what are they waiting for? So it's good that they know you are still connected and enjoying each other. [00:13:02]
Dr. Clifford: We had also mentioned the fact of what happens with aging. Let's talk first about what happens for women because they have a more distinct marker in their physical process with menopause.
Joyce Penner: Yes. And with menopause, with the decrease in estrogen and progesterone, two of the hormones, the woman has all the changes of menopause, but with that often comes vaginal atrophy or thinning of the vaginal walls and dryness and all of that can affect the comfort of the sexual experience.
Now, one thing that often has been missed is women keep secreting testosterone, the sexual drive hormone, if they still have their ovaries.
Dr. Clifford: Even if they've had a hysterectomy and the uterus was removed, if the ovaries were kept, then the testosterone is still being produced.
Joyce Penner: So that can be an important decision for women if they're having surgery. Sometimes women have to have their ovaries removed if they have ovarian cancer in their history or they're test positive for the gene for that. [00:14:09] You know, there are reasons the ovaries are removed. But if it's possible to keep your ovaries and not a health hazard, that is a benefit sexually.
But with those changes, there are some things that can be done, even if you've had to have surgery. There's a new product that has to be prescribed, so you'd have to ask your physician about that, see if you qualify for it. But it's called Intrarosa, I-N-T-R-A, R-O-S-A, all one word. It's inserted into the vagina at bedtime, not before a sexual experience, because you don't want the man to absorb this.
But it's relatively new. Some physicians may not yet be aware of it. We just attended a medical conference where this was recommended.
Dr. Clifford: And what does it do?
Joyce Penner: It basically helps your body utilize whatever hormone you have there. And it's found to be very helpful. As doctor said, it's God's gift to postmenopausal women and particularly those who have had cancer and can't use other hormonal replacement therapy. [00:15:20]
Dr. Clifford: And then the other thing that we always recommend for postmenopausal women who are experiencing dryness is that they find a lubricant that works well for them and use that on a regular basis.
Joyce Penner: Some women can use hormonal cream. Again, estrace cream or estradiol or estriol, that's inserted into the vagina. But again, that has to be prescribed. But lubricants that are good, we list the new list and we won't go through all that in our book, Restoring the Pleasure, the new version.
Dr. Clifford: I think you listed in Enjoy! The Gift of Sexual Pleasure for Women too.
Joyce Penner: I think we did too.
Dr. Clifford: For men, I'll just be very quick.
Joyce Penner: This is key. Very important.
Dr. Clifford: One of the things that happens as men age Is that they may not come to the sexual experience already aroused like was true when they were 20-
Joyce Penner: More like a woman in a sense.
Dr. Clifford: Yeah. They become more like a woman and that is that they get aroused in the experience. That's not a sign that the man is losing his interest or that the woman doesn't turn him on. [00:16:21] It's just a sign that his testosterone is dropping off because as we age we have less and less testosterone.
So one of the major changes is that a man often begins the sexual experience not aroused and then becomes aroused in it, and then he tends to respond more slowly, may not be as firm, may not ejaculate as intensely, may not need to ejaculate with every orgasm. So all of that will be a part of the process of aging. Those things can be dealt with in a lot more detail. But that gives you some ideas.
Laura Dugger: That's really helpful. This may be brand-new information to some listeners. For the men listening, at what age does that typically start to set in?
Dr. Clifford: Let's give what actually happens. A man reaches his peak of testosterone around age 25. And then on average, that is reduced at a rate of 1% per year. So that when a man reaches age 50 he only is producing 75% of the amount of testosterone he did when he was 25.
Joyce Penner: He might not notice any difference with that. [00:17:34]
Dr. Clifford: At that point. By the time a man reaches 75, he's only producing half as much. And most men notice the difference by the time they reach 75.
Joyce Penner: Even between 50 and 75.
Dr. Clifford: There is a decrease in the intensity of arousal, the frequency of arousal, all of that. And this is why something like Viagra, Cialis, Levitra, those pills are helpful in terms of getting and keeping an erection. We always kiddingly say, so by the time you're 125, you run out of testosterone and then you die. So what's the use of living without testosterone?
Joyce Penner: And testosterone replacement is possible for both men and women. Again, that would have to be worked out with your physician.
Dr. Clifford: Or depending on the person's medical condition, all that.
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsor.
Sponsor: Today, another anonymous donor stepped up to pay the sponsorship fee and share a very important organization with you. It's called Sexual Wholeness.
Wouldn't you get excited and want to know more if you heard of an organization whose mission statement was commissioning a network of Christian therapists and educators to revolutionize the church with God's truth about sexuality? [00:18:46]
This Christian nonprofit organization, Sexual Wholeness, has that as their mission and they work to accomplish it through classes and video-based resources.
The Institute for Sexual Wholeness provides graduate courses in sex therapy for licensed therapists. These classes are offered in a three-day weekend intensive format in Atlanta, Georgia. Taking these courses will not only increase your ability to deal with sexual issues, but it can also lead to a certification as a sex therapist through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists.
Sexual Wholeness also has the Christian Association of Sexual Educators, with video-based courses designed for church educators to facilitate in their local communities. Currently, there are three video-based courses: Dance of the Sexes on Single Sexuality, Covenant Lovers with sexual enrichment for Married Couples, and Heroes and Warriors for helping men with sexual integrity.
In a sex-saturated culture, the Church needs trained educators and therapists to cultivate God's truth about sexuality with the freedom and wholeness that it will produce. [00:19:50]
Many of the guests on The Savvy Sauce have taken these courses, and then they come back to share with us all of their findings. These continue to be some of our most popular episodes, and they get shared around the world. We appreciate Sexual Wholeness, and we hope that you'll visit their website to find out more, sexualwholeness.com.
Laura Dugger: What are some helpful conversations couples can have to negotiate various parts of their sex life?
Joyce Penner: Well, we would say, first of all, when they have these conversations, if it's caused stress in the past, which often it has, then we'd recommend they plan to record their conversation. But not that I record Cliff and he doesn't know it. We're not talking about tricking the other person and making them angry. We're talking about deciding together to record it. Because it's amazing how much better we listen to each other, how much more carefully we communicate. We reduce the conflict and the tension by recording. We clean up our act, so to speak.
Dr. Clifford: And then a second thing we would say is, it is important that you not have these conversations in the middle of a sexual experience or a start of one. [00:21:06]
Joyce Penner: You don't initiate by getting into...
Dr. Clifford: By saying, you know, I always hate it when you... That's usually not a...
Joyce Penner: "I wish we didn't do it this way."
Dr. Clifford: Those aren't particularly helpful ways to get each other turned on. So we always encourage that these conversations happen away from the sexual experience.
Then a third thing we'd say is if the couple is not used to talking about sexual issues, this is when it would be so important for them to read something together on the subject.
Joyce Penner: Out loud.
Dr. Clifford: Out loud. Like let's say they have some orgasmic problem, he's a premature ejaculator, she has difficulty with orgasm or whatever, then they would read those chapters in a book and talk about it from there.
Joyce Penner: That would be our book, Restoring the Pleasure, that came out new in March 2016. They could just go to that specific chapter "overcoming problems with release" and read that chapter out loud together. [00:22:04]
They wouldn't have to read the whole book. They might want to eventually. But if they find that initiation is an issue, they just go and read that chapter and then discuss it.
We encourage couples to start with self-help and see if they can do that. If their relationship is really troubled, if they've never been able to talk well about intimate issues without getting into conflict, they may need outside help. But start with reading out loud.
Dr. Clifford: Now, let's quickly go to the subject of what if one of them wants to do something and the other is uncomfortable with it or feels it's wrong? How do you handle that? Well, what's important here is to understand the Bible does not say anything about what is acceptable or unacceptable within marriage. It talks a lot about the sexual boundaries outside of marriage. But in marriage, it just talks... we have the Song of Solomon, which is basically a couple enjoying each other sexually, very erotically.
So what we have come to believe is that we have to follow other biblical principles that would dictate how we make those decisions. One, it always has to be mutually fulfilling. It can't be at the expense of one and at the benefit of the other. [00:23:25]
Laura Dugger: And just to clarify, when you say sexual experience should be mutual, you are not saying orgasm has to happen for both spouses every time. Rather, you're encouraging mutual enjoyment, connection, and intimacy, just not at the expense of one person. And even in your books, you write about quickies as a fun option to keep the spark going until you have a time for longer connection. Is that right?
Joyce Penner: Right.
Dr. Clifford: Exactly.
Joyce Penner: Well, and we talk about these principles both on our website. And in our book, Enjoy, in chapter 9 in our book, Enjoy, if the listeners have that book. And we first ask, is it loving? In other words, does it fit the qualities listed in 1 Corinthians 13? Or is it just self-serving? Is it mutual? Clifford just mentioned that is it as good for one as it is for the other? And then, does it build intimacy? Scripture teaches that we are to become one. We are to become one flesh. We are to become one. [00:24:29]
Dr. Clifford: Let's give a quick example there. We know that couples that want pornography together might get a little turned on or very turned on in response to that pornography. But over time, it moves them apart from each other. So we would see that as something that is destructive to the relationship because it doesn't tend to bring them together, it tends to move them apart.
Joyce Penner: They're responding to the images they see in the pornography, not to each other, so it does not build intimacy. And then the fourth question we ask is, does it in any way distance you from God or violate any biblical principle?
For example, self-stimulation in marriage violates... if the spouse is self-stimulating rather than being with the spouse. For example, if the wife is wanting more sex and he's avoiding because it's just easier to take care of himself or he's hooked on pornography, that would be violating the principle that we are to give ourselves to each other and be there for each other. [00:25:38] So if that's a substitute, then that interferes with that biblical teaching.
Dr. Clifford: And even if there is something that might be okay, a big question that couples often ask about is oral sex, and some are uncomfortable with that and some are more comfort with. The bible doesn't talk about it except it's kind of inferred in the Song of Solomon.
But even if we think of something as not wrong, fully acceptable, we still never engage in any activity that violates the other person even if it's not a moral issue, but violates the kind of the personal stance that that individual has.
Joyce Penner: And often there are things that are violating to a person who was sexually abused. Those activities must be avoided. Even if they're totally wonderful from a biblical perspective, we are not to be violated in the sexual experience. It is to be mutual. [00:26:34]
So if one person is uncomfortable with a certain activity, even though it would be totally acceptable, we go with the most conservative person and find all the things that can be done that are enjoyable for both. And that eventually may even lead to comfort.
Dr. Clifford: I just want to make sure I'm understanding you correctly. So when you say biblically that everything is permitted sexually between a husband and wife, that does not include pornography because that would be adding someone else into the mix beyond the husband and wife. So whether that's a threesome or pornography, that would not fall under the category. Is that correct?
Dr. Clifford: Exactly.
Joyce Penner: Exactly. Yeah.
Laura Dugger: Hey, friends. I don't want you to miss out on this incredible deal. For as little as $5 per month, you can unlock access to our secret bonus episodes for The Savvy Sauce. When you visit thesavvysauce.com, you can click on the Patreon tab to sign up. Instantly, you will have access to our patron-only podcasts where you can hear an encouraging message for your marriage from Military Spouse of the Year and licensed professional counselor, Corie Weathers. [00:27:44] You can also unlock the episode where certified financial planner Natalie Taylor shares how to enjoy living with the money you have and how to make that money grow wisely.
These are just a few samples of the episodes already loaded for you to unlock in addition to the bonus monthly episode you will receive each month you are a patron. We hope you check it out today.
Well, let's get practical. We'll talk to both the husband and the wife. Let's start with the wife. What's one thing she can do today to increase her pleasure in sexual intimacy with her husband?
Dr. Clifford: When she is able to get with and experience her sexual intensity, that is both going to bring her more pleasure and increase the intimacy between the two of them.
Joyce Penner: But how she does that varies so much from one woman to another. But if she can somehow start by first, we would ask the woman, can she say 'I am a sexual person and that's good and of God'? Can she give herself permission? Does she see it as something for her? [00:28:53] And if not, how can she move in that direction?
So she affirms herself as a sexual person and then learns to listen to those sexual cues within herself and share those with her husband. But it may have to start by her listening to herself first.
Dr. Clifford: The reason we emphasize this so strongly is there are so many women who are very hesitant about letting themselves be a sexual person. Like there's something wrong with that, like you're a slut. If you really, you shouldn't enjoy it too much. It's okay for the man to enjoy it, but the woman shouldn't enjoy it, or else there's something a little wrong with her.
Joyce Penner: And that's a cultural impact, not a scriptural or biblical one.
Dr. Clifford: Now, in terms of the man, if there was one thing we would advise a man, just, you know, in two sentences here, we would say slow down.
Joyce Penner: Follow her lead. Keep his pace behind hers, both in activity and intensity, and it'll be better for both of them. [00:29:58]
Dr. Clifford: Whenever we're teaching seminars with married couples and we mention this idea of slowing down, virtually every woman's head in the audience is nodding. This goes out of the fact that women operate on two tracks whereas men operate on one track. I'm not just saying men have a one-track mind here but-
Joyce Penner: When a man is aroused usually he is also emotionally ready-
Dr. Clifford: ...to proceed to intercourse stimulation and ejaculation. Whereas when a woman is physically aroused, and the research has shown this, she may not be at all ready to proceed.
Joyce Penner: Emotionally.
Dr. Clifford: ...emotionally proceed to intercourse because she's operating on two separate tracks. There's the physical arousal, which she may or may not even be aware of, and that is vaginal lubrication, nipple erection, vaginal engorgement, clitoral erection, all of that. And then-
Joyce Penner: Which is so much less obvious than the man's arousal. [00:30:58] We think one of the reasons men are more in tune with their physical arousal, more in tune with it emotionally, is since they've been little boys, they've been aware when their body reacts and responds. Whereas girls don't grow up with that kind of awareness.
Dr. Clifford: And so, she has to be able to get to the place where her emotions, her feelings join her physical arousal, and that's usually...
Joyce Penner: That takes time.
Dr. Clifford: That takes time and is usually longer than is true for the man. That's why we need the man to slow down.
Laura Dugger: And you've said before that if the man does get too far ahead of his wife, she takes that, maybe internalizes that as pressure.
Joyce Penner: Yeah. And often then she can't keep up. When she's trying to keep up and she's feeling he's getting ahead, she gets anxious, and that anxiety interferes with the natural progress. So even if she doesn't... it's not a resistance by decision, it's just that it becomes a pressure. Yes. [00:32:03]
Laura Dugger: As we're starting to conclude for today, we're called savvy for a reason. Savvy means practical knowledge or insight. And as our final question today, what is your savvy sauce?
Joyce Penner: Cliff has been a great affirmer, and I've always enjoyed sex. And we think that started because he pursued me with affirmation always. Also, we got our sex life off to a great start because of a class that I took before we got married in a school of nursing that I was in, which was taught by a Christian female psychologist that really emphasized sex is a positive thing for women in marriage. So we started off with a very good positive set. That is an important formula to incorporate in your life.
Dr. Clifford: Maybe saying that very simply is Get yourself educated about sex. If you really are knowledgeable about it, you will then be able to be much more deliberate about getting the joy that everyone, we believe, can experience. [00:33:11]
Laura Dugger: Well, it's truly been an honor to get to speak with the two of you and hear your wonderful and encouraging ideas related to sexual intimacy in marriage.
Dr. Clifford: Well, thank you for having us.
Joyce Penner: Thank you.
Dr. Clifford: We enjoy it and are eager to interact with anybody that's listening.
Laura Dugger: Thank you so much.
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:34:14]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:35:19]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:36:19]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Jul 15, 2019
Monday Jul 15, 2019
62. Unexpected Grief and What Helped Me Through It Can Help You Too with Singer and Blogger, Brittany Price Brooker
**Transcription Below**
Colossians 3:2 (NIV) “Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.”
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Connect with Brittany Price Brooker on Instagram and Facebook @brittanypricebrooker
Brittany Price Booker’s Website
Hidden in My Heart: A Lullaby Journey Through Scripture
The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie
Brittany Price Booker’s Full List of Recommended Resources
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: I want to say thank you to our sponsor, FabFitFun. If you want to learn more about their seasonal subscription boxes, which include over $200 worth of full-size products that cost you only $49.99, visit them at fabfitfun.com. And if you use the coupon code SAVVY at checkout, you'll receive $10 off your first box.
We appreciate all your feedback that you've sent through messages on our website and social media. Many of you have mentioned you love the series titled Everyone Has a Story. We agree with you because it seems God does amazing things through each person's story, especially when it's shared.
Today we get to hear Brittany Price Brooker's story of deep grief and unwavering faithfulness for God. You're going to be so encouraged through the scripture that she brings to life and the wisdom that she shares from lessons learned in her unexpected path.
Here's our chat. [00:01:23]
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Brittany.
Brittany Price Brooker: Hey, girl. Oh, I love being with you today.
Laura Dugger: Well, we are just going to jump right in. You have a powerful testimony where joy and sorrow intersect. And so will you just share that story with us?
Brittany Price Brooker: Yeah, I would love to. I think my story really starts back from growing up in a godly home and really kind of just seeking the Lord at an early age as I watched my parents seek the Lord and watch how they did life. And I think at an early age, you really catch what your parents are doing rather than just watching it and from them teaching you, but you really can catch what they're just seeking on.
I had that life that I'd always dreamed about. I had what my mind thought like the perfect husband and godly man who loved Jesus, who was funny and tall and handsome. We had three little baby boys and was just living the dream of being a wife and a mother. [00:02:25]
I was the little girl that always pretended when I was little to have a husband and kids. I would often tell my husband, I'm literally living my dream right now, even though I was exhausted.
In the fall of 2015, I had three kids under the age of three. Our life was like whack-a-mole. You get one kid down from the nap, you put the next one down, they get up, and it was just crazy. My house was just a mess all the time.
You know, you find their kids slushing everything down the toilet or, you know, scrubbing the toilet with your toothbrush like an expert. And you think, oh my word, how many times have they been doing this? And this is the first time I caught them. Like, this is crazy.
Then one morning, my husband got up to go to work. And at this point, we had a newborn, a one-and-a-half-year-old and almost three-year-old. And he said, "You know, we didn't sleep much last night. I'm just going to go ahead and go early to work."
I remember I was dealing with a lot of pain at the time from childbirth, and we had some difficulties with my health afterwards. [00:03:29] I remember thinking, "Oh, I need to tell him that I've been in pain tonight, and I need your help a little bit more tomorrow night." But the Holy Spirit just said, "Brittany, don't say anything."
So instead, I was like, "Baby, you look so hot in your suit, and I hope you have an awesome day. I love you, baby. I'll see you soon." I said goodbye to him, got all my little babies ready to go to Bible study, which we did every Tuesday morning, so I was not out of ordinary.
I dropped them off. They went to class good, and I sent my husband a quick text and just said, "You'd be so proud of them. They did so good in class."
We went into small group, and at the time we were studying Revelation, and the question was posed, you know, why do you study prophecy anyways? I was feeding my little newborn, and I remember just saying, "For me, I study prophecy because it gives me confidence to trust God no matter what happens in my life."
Literally moments after speaking those words, my phone rang. And like any good Bible study girl, I ignored it the first time. But the second time, I felt like the Holy Spirit said to answer, it was something with Patrick. And so I answered the phone and it was my husband's boss on the other line. [00:04:38] And he said, "Hey, has Patrick been sick?" And I said, "No, I mean, he's a perfectly healthy 30 year old man. I just saw him this morning. Everything's fine. You know what happened?"
And he's like, "Oh, he fell at work. We took him to the hospital. We're gonna come get a vehicle to come get you to bring you here." And I was like, "Okay great." Just kind of thinking, Okay, maybe he got dehydrated, you know, we're tired, we have all these kids, something he's probably cracking up with all the nurses right now. He was just so funny, always cracking jokes with everybody.
It was raining very, very hard in Atlanta where we lived at the time. And so they said, "You know what? We don't really want you driving in the rain, and we're going to put our lights on so you can get there a lot faster. So just hang on a second. We'll get to you."
I figured out child care with my kids, and I waited in the rain for over an hour for these vehicles to come get me. And I'm just thinking, "Can I just get in my car and see my man? I just want to get to my hubs, please."
So what felt like forever as I was sitting there in the rain and just kind of pacing back and forth in front of that church where the Bible study was, was one of those moments I'll never forget where God wasn't just laying a verse on my heart, He was screaming it in my mind and heart. [00:05:54] And all I could think of was the peace that passes all understanding will guard your hearts and your mind in Christ Jesus.
As that vehicle pulled in front of that church and I got in the back and the officer saying, "I'm so sorry, I don't know what happened, the Holy Spirit just kind of took over." And I said, "Whatever it is we can trust God that He's in control."
It took another hour to get to the hospital where my husband was at. I remember getting out and the Lord just impressing on my heart, "Brittany, remember every bit of this. You need to remember." And so just little details that I wouldn't have normally picked up on a homeless man right there. I just remember feeling like he felt so cold, and it was raining, and I wish I could do something. But I was trying to get to my man, and this taxi driver, and all these pedals, and just this trash, and little details, I was remembering.
And I was running in there, and ran past security, and I ran as fast as I could. I remember running in a hallway, and the hallway was full of people with sorrow all over their faces. [00:06:59] And I knew it was coming.
And they sat me down and they said, "Brittany, we're so sorry, but Patrick died. His heart just stopped beating and we don't know why." And in that moment, at the age of 25, with three kids under three, I became a widow and my kids became fatherless. And my entire world changed.
I remember just saying, "The Lord gives and takes away. He is so good." And I started to sing a song I hadn't thought of in so long of, you know, precious Lord, take my hand, lead me on, help me stand. And it's just like a song God gave me in that moment.
But in that second, my entire world changed. Every dream I have, every hope, every vision I had of what my family was going to look like. You know, everything in your life involves that other person that you do life with, the person that is your home.
And so that began just really crazy journey of grief and layers upon layers of grieving and pain and walking through my babies, through losing their daddy, who is their hero in every way. But also in that process, it's been one of the sweetest journey of my entire life, because I've gotten to see the goodness and the preciousness of our faithful Father in a way I could have never, ever imagined. [00:08:24] And you see the layer of God's goodness in the midst of pain. So that's a little bit of our pain journey.
Fast forward and several years later, as I walked through that journey and God called me not just to stay in my pain, but to walk through it and to shift my perspective to heaven instead of the grave. In the process of doing that, I just started bumping into all these people that were dealing with pain. Because, you know, 100 percent of us will deal with struggles and pain in our lives. The difference is not if we'll have pain, but the difference is how will we steward the pain that we're given?
I started to share a story in the midst of it. I came across this family that was going through this terrible hardship, and this other widower was ministering to the same family. He had lost his wife a month before I had lost Patrick. And they had two small children that they had adopted and this crazy story.
So we started helping out this family and our paths crossed, and we started building a friendship that was really centered on the kingdom of God and heaven and living for eternity in the midst of this broken world, but also living with hope and desiring to give hope to other people. [00:09:38] God started just really building a love story that only He could do.
About a year and a half ago, I got married to Daniel Brooker. They call us the Brooker Bunch because when we got married, we had five kids, six and under, and it was a crazy zone. So that kind of fast forward just a little bit to today and now walking through our life today.
Laura Dugger: That is such an incredible story. I've heard it said before that worship is warfare. And you even alluded to a song coming to your heart. Did you have any other tools like worship that you use to really push back the darkness during those most intense times of grief?
Brittany Price Brooker: Yeah. You know, I really felt like the Lord made known to me what you hear about in Scripture, a sacrifice of praise. And why it's called a sacrifice is because it hurts. Anything that we do that's sacrificial, it's taking something away from our comfort, from our security.
When we're giving sacrificially, it's not because, oh, we have all this extra. It's because it kind of hurts to give that, you know? And we feel that. [00:10:46]
I remember just even being in church one day and just wrestling with God, like here I'm sitting alone in church. And I had this little tiny baby on me, and I'm like, "God, I, literally weeks ago, was sitting next to my husband in this church service." And God just said, "Brittany, will you give me a sacrifice of praise even when it still hurts?" And I remember with tears just pouring down my face, just raising both hands in the air and just worshiping God for who He was.
I think that in the midst of going through brokenness and pain, God is calling us to wage warfare and a sacrifice of praise and praising God even when we are not feeling it and speaking out of truth and not out of our feelings. Because our feelings can deceive us.
There was not a moment, still honestly, that I don't feel some sort of pain or sorrow that we deal with. But there's also not a moment, if we choose to view it, that we can't feel gratefulness and thankfulness for who God is. [00:11:51]
So, for me, praise was a huge part of it. And that meant putting on worship music all the time at my house. There's times that my kids would walk in the kitchen while I was cooking and I'd just have my hands raised. Or sometimes we would just dance it out to a fun song that was speaking truth. But always speaking truth over our lives and over our situations, always having that hope from God's Word in the midst of it.
Laura Dugger: Something else that I've always been struck by is the way that the Holy Spirit prompted other believers to really love you well by meeting such specific needs. Can you share a few of those stories as well?
Brittany Price Brooker: Yeah. I mean, honestly, I could write a whole book on just that, because it was unbelievable. I mean, you hear the stories in Scripture of God calling us to be the hands and feet of Jesus. And I had never supernaturally experienced it the way I had when I became a widow.
Scripture says that, you know, widow has a special place in the heart of God, you know, that He cares for the widow and the fatherless, and He is the defender of the widow and a father to the fatherless and a husband to the widow and all these promises in Scripture. [00:13:02] And I got to really see that.
I think one of the situations I remember, I had my three kids at home and they were sick and all they wanted to eat was apples. We're out of apples. We're out of everything in the house. And, you know, it's like a silly thing. Like, I'm not going to load all my kids have fevers and throwing up in a car to go get apples. And I feel very silly calling a friend being like, "Hey, can you bring me some apples right now?" Right. It just seems like such a silly thing.
And I remember one of my friends texted me and said, "Hey, I just dropped something on your doorstep. I just felt like God told me to do it. I know it's kind of silly, but I just felt very specifically He told me to do that." And I opened my door and there's this huge bag of apples. And I'm like, "Are you kidding me?" And they had no idea that my kids were sick. Had no idea they were only eating apples.
Then I remember one time on Mother's Day, you know, I was alone on Mother's Day that night and I was just bathing my kids. And I just remember stopping and being like, "God, I can't do this. I just cannot do this. Do you even see me right now? [00:14:05] Do you even care that I'm going through this pain? God, show me that you care. How can I do this? I can't do this one more second. Just give me enough strength for today. Just help me get through this."
And literally, as I finished breathing out that prayer, the doorbell rings. And my friend that has five kids and lives 45 minutes away was on my doorstep on Mother's Day. And she said, "I know this sounds crazy, but about an hour ago, I just felt like God told me, get up and go to Brittany Price's house and go help bathe their kids."
And I'm looking at her like, "I hadn't even prayed that prayer when God told you that, but He knew that would happen." And she just walked right in and started cleaning my house and helping with the babies. And I started crying, saying like, "God, you really do see me." Like you really do care for me in the midst of the hardship.
I remember several weeks after Patrick died, my son being like, "I really want to swing, Mommy." And so I just told him, I said, "Why don't you just start praying for a swing? Because our God cares about everything in our hearts." [00:15:07] And in my mind, I'm like, "Okay, well, I'll be looking for a swing at a garage sale, like maybe we'll find one."
And literally months later, all these people had gotten together and gotten him this amazing playset for my boys. And they didn't even tell me who it came from. They said, "We just want you to know this is from Jesus being a father to your kids." And Peyton looking at that thing, "Mommy, how did they know that I was praying about that? How did they know that we wanted that?" And me to be able to look at and say," God cares about all of our needs and he sees it all."
There's so many stories that we could talk about of that. But the Lord taught me so much in that season of even when it's weird and even when it's awkward, when God leaves those things on your heart, be obedient because you could be the answer to someone else's prayer. And it doesn't just strengthen their faith. It strengthens your faith when you get to see God using you to answer prayers as well.
Laura Dugger: Amen to that. And all of these people that were stepping in, were these church friends that you had? Were they people that you had known for a long time or strangers? [00:16:13]
Brittany Price Brooker: Oh, we had all of the above. I mean, I had strangers. I remember one time going to the car shop, all my tires needed to be replaced. And you're like, Okay, Lord, all for this is crazy, and just kind of feeling the stress of that.
I went to my mailbox that day and a complete stranger, I don't even know how they had my address or anything, said, "I don't know why, but God told me to send you this money." And it was to the dollar exactly what they needed for those tires. So we had strangers from all over the country and all over the world.
I mean, we had several people from Europe, Asia just send us encouraging notes with a scripture that we needed to hear that day. And it wasn't just tangible gifts. It was just words of encouragement that we needed to hear right then and right now. Or sending us a song, "I'm thinking about you or praying for you in that moment." Or I'd be up in the middle of the night grieving and I would get a notification from Instagram and someone saying, "I have no idea what's going on right now, but God won't let me just sleep right now because He just has me praying comfort over your family." [00:17:16]
And so it was just people being obedient, and even when they didn't know us, or if they did know us, and taking that leap of faith with it.
Laura Dugger: That just brings tears to my eyes how personal God is and how He responded in those moments. Like you said before, you even finished your prayer or had that thought. I just love this scripture that talks about the church overcoming Satan. It's from the first part of Revelation 12:11. And it says, "They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony."
Like you said, you've shared your testimony publicly. So how has God revealed to you that He's using your story to encourage others?
Brittany Price Brooker: I love that you share that scripture. Because almost every single time that I get on a stage and share a story, I quote that scripture because I do think stories have so much power. I remember right after my husband died, God told me to do a video and just share. And I was like, "God, I don't have anything to say." [00:18:20]
And I just remember the Lord impressing on my heart that sometimes people hear the gospel, and they have the scripture verse, and sometimes they need to see how the gospel looks like in everyday life. Because God is the God of the everyday mundane. He's the God of the big moments, the small moments. He's the God of it all.
And that's what the gospel is, is how the good news of Christ in every moment of life, the good parts and the hard parts. I think for me, it's being vulnerable enough to talk about pain and talk about our story, even when it still hurts. Like, hey, like, for real, I talk about the worst day of my life all the time. Like, that's not fun. This is crazy.
And it's the vulnerable places of my heart that God's called us to share. But in the midst of being able to share brokenness, but sharing it from the perspective of knowing the great healer and knowing as we share it, I don't want people to be like, Oh, there's Brittany. She's so broken. I want them to say, wow, all I see when I see their lives is the hand of God holding them together, not the broken pieces, but that the healer that cares so much about us, that He holds us together and he holds all things. [00:19:29]
We've been able to see it in so many different ways. And you know what? It's good for us to be reminded that God doesn't waste an ounce of our pain. And it says in scripture that He holds every single tear that we cry in a bottle. And that means not one tear that we ever shed is wasted.
With that, I'm always seeing God do so many amazing things of marriages being restored because people realize what a gift they have in marriage. Because I would talk very openly about what I was missing about marriage and about the struggle and be like, you know, I wish my husband was at work for two years because that means he would be coming back. Or I wish my husband was working late nights because then I know my son will see them again.
Those huge realities of death and how permanent they are and how they affect every day of your life, but also how that should affect our life now to savor every bit of life that we're given. And the result of sharing that stuff, I just heard so many stories about people being like, "You know what? I was taking everything I had for granted. I didn't realize what a gift I had. So thank you for the reminder." [00:20:36]
And nothing that we do is of ourselves. So if there's anything that is good in me or if there's anything that Jesus has done, it's because Jesus did it and Brittany did not do it. Because I have nothing apart from Him. And so anything that he does through His story that He's given us, through His scripture, through His gospel is all glory to God in His kingdom. But it's definitely so humbling to see how God has worked.
I think my favorite story was this girl that was just on Facebook really late at night, and somehow she came across one of my videos and she just sat there crying. And she said it was like the Lord literally sat down with her. She had a schedule to get an abortion the next morning and God wrecked her through that video of what matters. She was doing it out of shame and hiding. And so she canceled her appointment and had that baby. You know, I keep up with her to this day.
It's been amazing to see how Jesus cares so much about His people that He can use anything. He just wants our obedience and our yes to Him.
Laura Dugger: He can use anything. I hope that He uses this talk because I do believe that somebody specifically needs to hear what you said about not an ounce of pain is wasted and God holds our tears that are precious to Him in a bottle. And He really does bring beauty out of ashes.
Brittany Price Brooker: He does. [00:21:57]
Laura Dugger: Is there anything specific that you would want to communicate both to someone who is walking through grief right now and communicate to someone who is a friend and supporting their loved one who's dealing with their own tragic situation?
Brittany Price Brooker: Yeah. That is a loaded question for sure. But as far as somebody that is walking through pain... and, you know, grief is not just the loss of a person. It's the loss of life. It's a loss of hope. It's a loss of dreams. It's a loss of expectations that you thought your life would look like. And so really, there's a lot of people walking through that.
I think the biggest thing I would say is hope even when it hurts. Keep holding on to the hope of God, even when it hurts. And keep swimming for sure, even when you don't see the shore. Because sometimes you don't see it ahead and you've got to swim in faith, knowing, God, as I do this in faith, I know I'm going to see the shore. [00:22:57]
And God will keep giving you the strength to make it moment by moment. And you go through stages where, you know, like I felt like I was bobbing up and down, you know, and then I'd get above air and then I felt like I would go down again. Then you start treading water.
And the most beautiful thing I was able to see was that God just wants us to depend on Him moment for moment for that manna for each day. And He didn't give me the strength for raising teenagers by myself, because that's not what I was dealing with that day. You know, what I needed to do in that moment was feed my toddlers and nurse my little baby and speak God's promises over us.
God is calling you to be faithful in what you're doing today in this moment. And given those moments in the hurt and the pain, don't try to fill it with other things. Feel it. Give God all the pain that you have and yield it to Him and say, "God, make beauty out of this. God, what is your purpose in the midst of this pain? God, show me your perspective in the midst of it. [00:23:58]
And when we do and when we open God's word and ask Him to speak, every time that we open His word, He will speak because He is faithful to do that. He is faithful even when we are faithless, even when we have nothing in us and we just yield to Him.
God says He wants a broken contrite spirit before Him, one that is humble before Him. And when we do that, He will speak and He will fill us up with what we need because He is faithful to do that.
And I think in the midst of watching friends and watching people walk through pain... you know, we have this tendency, especially as believers, to try to jump in and fix it. We want to say the right things. We want to do the right things. And I think the biggest thing is just showing up, just being a friend, not trying to fix it, but feel the pain with them.
I think one of the most important things that we can say is, I'm so sorry for your pain. Or I can't imagine what you're walking through. Or I'm praying for you. I'm loving you. Not, Oh, God is doing this. There's a purpose in all this. You know, this is so hard. But I think if this wouldn't have happened, this would have happened. [00:25:01]
There are so many things that people could say, but I think there's beauty and power in the simplicity of just saying, I am so sorry for your pain. Acknowledging what people are walking through, acknowledging your love for them and just saying, I'm here for you. That means showing up even when it's awkward.
I had people that just showed up on my doorstep and said, Can I just vacuum your floors? Well, on a normal day, I would have never just let somebody just come in and vacuum my house. But in those moments, God knew I needed an extra set of hands. And I got to see God's faithfulness in that.
So you can be that friend to other people. You can be the hands and feet of Jesus when God gives you those nudges, because God is such a personal God. I always tell people, God knows what your friend needs more than anybody else. It's more than I know. Even if it's a young widow or even if it's someone walking through loss. Jesus knows their hearts. Jesus knows their needs greater than anybody else's. [00:25:56]
And so as you seek Him and you say, God, show me what it looks like to love this person, He will give you the best ideas. I think the greatest thing that we could ever do for anybody is to pray for them. And there are moments where I literally can feel the prayers of God's people upholding me when I should have been drowning, and yet I was floating on God's grace.
That is not something lightly that we say or something that say, Oh, yeah, we'll just pray for you because that's all we can do. No, praying is the greatest thing we can do.
Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: Getting really practical, were there any resources that you like to recommend to people of all ages who have lost a loved one from kids to adults? [00:28:10]
Brittany Price Brooker: There's not like a specific resource that really can be for, you know, a five-year-old and a 50-year-old. One of the things that I did was listen to worship music, which can be a 5-year-old or a 50-year-old.
One of the things that we listened to was scripture lullabies music, which is just a calm music that's literally all scripture. We would listen to the one on Jesus and His hope and who He is and what He came to do. There was a song on eternity in heaven that just every time I'd hear it, I'm like, "Lord, we can do this. We can make it another moment." That was a very practical resource.
For me, every person that I know that's going through loss, I like to give them The One Year Book of Hope, which is an amazing resource of encouragement. But it's short and sweet. Because a lot of times when you're walking through pain, you can't focus on things for very long. You're not going to sit down and read endless chapters. Some people like to do that. And then there's other people that get overwhelmed after reading two sentences.
So sometimes it's listening to the word of God. Sometimes it's listening to music. And then sometimes it's just getting those little bits of truth, even if it's a couple of sentences here, a couple of sentences there. [00:29:17] But I have a whole list on my website of different resources that I like to recommend from specific different types of pain.
I also would say counseling is very, very effective. I think that's for all ages. That having somebody that's a neutral source, that's not emotionally engaged in your story, that can speak into it from a different side. Because I think even in the midst of grief, there can be sin and difficulties that cause even more pain. That doesn't have to be there. So if you have somebody that can speak into your life and guide you in the process, that really helps you as well.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's so good. Such a good reminder, and hopefully encouragement to somebody that you would encourage them: don't wait long to dive into counseling and have somebody else walk that with you.
Brittany Price Brooker: Absolutely. As soon as you can, the better.
Laura Dugger: We'll definitely link to those resources on your website if that's okay. Because again, I'm just thinking if somebody else is in a similar situation and they just need something to grasp onto, even going back in your story, you were grieving yourself and then you have three little precious kiddos that are grieving. What did that look like day-to-day?
Brittany Price Brooker: I was a stay-at-home mom. When my husband passed away, I was doing cloth diapers, coupons, you know, everything we could do to make it by so I could stay home with my kids at that moment. And so I wanted to keep as normal as possible. So for me, I wanted to be with my kids. I wanted to spend the night with them. I wanted to be with them. [00:30:49]
Practically speaking, one of our friends set up a system... and it was different people that were really close. They were only in my inner circle where I could completely trust them. But they would come over and bring dinner, and they would just be an extra set of hands.
They'd bring dinner, and they would just help me if I was trying to get one out of the high chair, getting fed so I could go bathe the other child. And they were entertaining the little newborn and burping him or whatever so that they could just be an extra set of hands like a husband would be at night. Those were just such pivotal nights for me to get a break. And then also just to have the fellowship of an adult to talk to you.
I also had one woman that she was a counselor as well. And so she would bring dinner, help me put the kids down. She actually has a ministry to widows specifically. And she would help me get the boys down and then she would sit and she would counsel me. [00:31:43] She would ask me the hard questions and encourage me. It was just so life-giving for me to have those because it is a lot to deal with the grief of your kids.
But I think for me what was very important was to keep things as routine as possible for them because their entire world just changed too. And so anything you can do to give them the security to know that we're going to be okay. And that doesn't mean I didn't cry in front of them and didn't talk about that. Because I did very often because I wanted them the freedom to grieve as well. But I did want them to be near me. I wanted them to feel safe and secure that we were still a family even though part of us was gone.
Laura Dugger: You said you were 25 when this happened. Just the wisdom beyond your years, as we hear your story, is incredible and clearly a gift from the Lord. As you reflect back on all your growth over almost the past decade, what are a couple of lessons that stand out the most to you? [00:32:42]
Brittany Price Brooker: I'd say that God's goodness isn't dependent on my circumstances, but rather His character through the circumstances. Before walking through this, a lot of times, you know, often when people speak, they'll be like, Yeah, everything is going good, God is so good, you know, when they're on this mountaintop of life. But then when they're in the valleys of life, are we still saying that God is so good? Because that's when it truly matters.
And, you know, God is good on all those seasons. He's the God of the hills and the valleys, and he's the Lord over it all. And we can see God's goodness in all those. But I think I've really seen when God took away everything in my mind of just the comforts and the dreams and all those things that were totally removed. And here I am being something I never imagined in my entire life, a single mom, a widow, doing life alone, so lonely, dealing with all this pain. And yet I was able to feel the presence of God and His goodness in a way that I could have never imagined. [00:33:46] And so I got to experience His goodness and know that He is so good, even when circumstances are not good.
Then I would really say that He is enough. I think so many times we say, like, God is enough. But in those moments at night when I lay in bed alone just hurting and missing my husband, and I would just ask the Lord to surround me with His presence, and He would. I got a taste of heaven in the midst of God's presence because the greatest part of heaven is not our loved ones that are there. It's the presence of the living God all the time.
I remember even in the car, one time I was driving, and God was just meeting with me. And I just remember crying and being like, "This moment right here is the greatest moment I've ever experienced, and I cannot even imagine what heaven will be like, because it'll be like this all the time," because His presence was so thick.
And even though nothing in my life had changed, everything felt okay because God was so present with me. And He is our ever-present help in times of need. I would say that God really is enough and His presence is enough for us to get out of bed. It's enough for us to hold on to hope, even when it hurts and even when the darkness feels like it's surrounding us.
And then that Scripture truly is, it's living and active. And it really is the bread of life. And I think that's how over and over again, going to God's Word and Him giving me enough. In Psalms 119, it talks about, I would have perished my affliction if it wasn't with the Word of God. I used to hear that and be like, wow, do you think you could be a little bit more dramatic, David? Because that's ridiculous.
But now after I've walked through suffering, I can tell you, had it not been the Word of God, I would have perished my affliction. God used the Word of God through His people, through reading, through listening, to give me the eternal hope and the eternal perspective to make it through these earthly trials. [00:35:46]
Then the other thing is just really community is so important and absolutely necessary as we walk this journey of life. I think I've learned the importance of having those godly, amazing friends and mentors in your life in every season to be able to be raw and vulnerable and intimate in each other's lives so we can hold each other accountable and encourage each other and be the people that lift each other's arms when your arms feel too weak to even stand.
I had those people that were behind me just holding me up when I felt like I couldn't take another step. And they'd say, "I'm taking it with you. You can do this. We've got this." And the Lord used that in a mighty way.
Laura Dugger: I love all of those lessons. That's so encouraging.
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What does life actually look like for you now? [00:37:04]
Brittany Price Brooker: Our life is a crazy zone. I kind of tease that it's like a traveling circus. Some moments I'm scrubbing toilets and praying for the hearts of my kids and begging God for the strength to make it through another day, guiding and shepherding these little hearts, because now we have five hurting hearts.
We have two adopted children that have extra layers that we're just praying through and asking God for wisdom with. That's a treasure and a gift to be able to be given that season as well.
Then sometimes it looks like being faithful and sharing on a stage and traveling and getting on an airplane, you know, and flying somewhere and speaking and hopping on a red-eye to get back to my baby so they can wake up to mama. It's definitely just being faithful in every season.
I think there's one thing I've learned is that God just cares about our hearts. It's not about what you're doing. I'm serving God just as much when I'm folding laundry and having a heart of worship as I am if I'm speaking in front of hundreds of ladies or if we're doing a podcast interview or we're doing a TV episode or whatever. [00:38:06]
It doesn't matter what we do. It matters what our heart is behind it. And being faithful with what God's called you to do, because we can do so many things out of a heart of pride or a heart of selfishness. But when we do things out of a heart of worship, it makes everything give glory to God even in the mundane.
And I think it's even harder for us in the midst of the mundane to give glory to God and to find worship in the midst of it. And so, you know, it's a lot of craziness. And sometimes it looks like doing IEP meetings and taking my kids to therapy or, you know, the other day putting on crazy loud music and saying, let's go jump on mommy's bed, you know?
But having this fun moment in the midst of the crazy and saying, God, in today, in this moment, how can I be faithful with what you've given me and entrusted with my hands? Because even though my hands are so full and we have so much going on with ministry and with our kids' hearts and our family and school and so many things, I want my heart to be found faithful in the midst of all that my hands have. [00:39:13]
Laura Dugger: Just hearing how full your plate is and that you still talked about valuing community, how do you still make that happen in the midst of all these people in your home?
Brittany Price Brooker: It looks like saying no a lot. We adjust our schedule frequently because like everybody, you know, what works in one season may not work well in a different season. I used to be in an amazing small group that we met once a week and I found in this new season, I just didn't have the space in my life. So it looked like meeting with a group of ladies once a month and talking with my mentors weekly. You know, that I can do that on the phone. I can do that after the kids are in bed, but I have to leave my house.
Or it looks like for us, we're pouring into a couple or trying to speak into someone's life or even having a mentor over to speak in our life. It looks like right now we put our kids to bed and we have coffee and some fruit and some cake or whatever after they're in bed in our living room.
It doesn't look like we're meeting out on the town or this and that, but it's just being faithful with what we do have. [00:40:19] I think so often we think it has to look like, oh, I have to meet for coffee or I have to do this and I have to have this block of time. But I think just like discipleship, it looks like... a lot of times, if I have a younger girl come over, it's like, Okay, I'll be folding laundry and I'll be doing this, but I would love to talk to you in the midst of it and hear what God's doing in your heart and life and how I could pray for you.
That's everyday life. That's reality. Because my reality is not that I can have coffee for 10 hours a day. But it's being faithful with the time that we do have and saying, "God, in this season of my life, in this capacity, what does it look like to build up community? What does it look like with the relationships that I want to be intentional with, that I want to grow?
My husband is the most gifted person I've ever met with relationships. He challenges me so much with that. And just is so practical. And so we often have to sit down and say, Okay, what are the relationships that we feel like the Lord is calling us to pour into in this season? And what are the people that we look at their lives and say, man, that's how I want to be? And asking them, what did you do to get to this place? Or what do you wish you would have done differently when you were our age? [00:41:30]
And having a teachable spirit to say, what would you say to us? What do you see in our life? Do you see anything in our life that's not glorifying God? Do you see anything in our lives that needs to go? Or what would you say? And being teachable in that season as well.
Laura Dugger: Brittany, you are such an inspiration. If people want to follow up after hearing you, where can the listeners find you online?
Brittany Price Brooker: I am on Instagram at Brittany Price Brooker, and Facebook, Brittany Price Brooker, and my website, brittanyprice.com, or you can just google my name.
Laura Dugger: That's awesome. Well, again, we will link to all of this in the show notes. I have just one more question for you. We are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. So as my final question today, what is your savvy sauce?
Brittany Price Brooker: Okay, so I'm a spiritual and non-spiritual answer to this. My savvy sauce for making myself look a little bit more awake than I truly feel in this season, it's definitely mascara, a good mascara and concealer, girl. I'm all about those things. [00:42:42]
And then something that I would say that always challenges me, encourages me to make sure I'm getting the Word of God into me every day, is the Daily Audio Bible. It's this app that I listen to. I actually do this daily life principles Bible, which is like a one-year plan of scripture where you have Old Testament, New Testament, Psalms, and Proverbs. So I read that. But then I also have this audio one that's kind of like a couple steps ahead of it.
So I often get very different things, even though it's the same passages out of it. So sometimes there's seasons where you may have longer time in the morning to spend in the Word. And then there's other seasons where God just wants your Yes in your five minutes here, your five minutes there, but being diligent with the time that you have. But I love listening to the Word of God because I pick up so many different things when I listen, opposed to just reading it.
Laura Dugger: That is such a good idea. I love that.
Brittany Price Brooker: Yeah, they even have a kid's version. And my kids love listening to it because they think the kid is so funny. I love my kids being able to listen to it and get things out and study the same passage together. [00:43:48]
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's incredible. Could you say the name of the app again?
Brittany Price Brooker: Yeah, it's Daily Audio Bible.
Laura Dugger: Well, this time together has just been full of so many emotions, and I'm really overwhelmed with gratitude for your faith and for your willingness to encourage each one of us today. So thank you for meeting us here.
Brittany Price Brooker: Aw, it's such a gift to be with you. We're just so thankful because it's not our faith, but it's who we have faith in. And He is such a faithful God in every season. I'm so thankful for the opportunity to share about Him today.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him. [00:44:44]
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. [00:45:46]
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. [00:46:45]
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.