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Monday Jun 08, 2020
Monday Jun 08, 2020
*DISCLAIMER* This episode is intended for adults
Top 10 from 2019: #9 Maximizing Sexual Intimacy During the 3 Most Challenging Seasons in Marriage with Christian Sex Therapist Pioneers, Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner
Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner are best known for their pioneer work in encouraging people of all faiths to connect their sexuality with their belief system ─ helping them embrace sex as good and of God. Dr. Clifford is a licensed clinical psychologist and Joyce is a registered nurse and clinical nurse specialist. They are highly respected authors and speakers, in addition to being parents and grandparents.
Song of Solomon 1:2 “Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth - for your love is more delightful than wine.”
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner’s Website
Books by Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner:
Enjoy! The Gift of Sexual Pleasure for Women
The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex
The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
Sex FAQ We Didn’t Have Time to Cover Today
Thank You to Our Sponsors: Leman Property Management Company and Clearly Filtered Use Discount Code "SavvyWaterFilters" to get 20% off your first purchase. Limit 1 per customer, please :)
Lara Casey's 2020 6-months Powersheets...Not exaggerating: these are changing my life!!!
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Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Monday Jun 01, 2020
Monday Jun 01, 2020
Top Ten from 2019: #10 Pursuing Health, Not Vanity Before and After Childbearing with Megan Dahlman
Proverbs 31:17 NIV “She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.”
Megan Dahlman is the founder of Strong Mommas, a website and online community that equips women with the specific tools they need to reach their physical potential, without all of the vanity garbage. She is a Certified Strength Coach and a Nutrition Coach, and has spent years training and coaching women on how to strength train at home, how to easily choose healthy food every time, and how to maintain a Christ-centered perspective through all of it. Megan lives in Oregon City, Oregon with her husband, two little boys, horse and dog.
Connect with Megan on Facebook or Instagram
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Peoria Christian Schools
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Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Just for Fun and Highly Recommended by Laura
Lara Casey's 2020 6-months Powersheets...Not exaggerating: these are changing my life!!!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Monday May 25, 2020
Monday May 25, 2020
105. Ways to Enjoy Summer with Your Family with Krista Gilbert
**Transcription Below**
Proverbs 21:29b (NIV) “the upright give thought to their ways.”
Krista Gilbert is a speaker and author of Reclaiming Home: A Family’s Guide for Life, Love, and Legacy, co-author of Focus on the Family’s Give Them Wings, and the co-host of The Open Door Sisterhood Podcast. Krista is a connector of people, and a lover of life stories, family, Pacific Northwest lakeside sunsets, powder tree-skiing, and homemade salsa. She speaks and writes about how to live and love well, designing a life around faith, core values, and priorities. Krista can often be found in her garden, preparing a meal with her cooking group, or hiking a trail with her husband and four children.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
The Open Door Sisterhood Podcast
Reclaiming Home by Krista Gilbert
The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer
Deviced! by Dr. Doreen Dodgen-Magee
Thank You to Our Sponsors: Samaritan Ministries and Clearly Filtered
Just for Fun and Highly Recommended by Laura
Lara Casey's 2020 6-months Powersheets...Not exaggerating: these are changing my life!!!
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <Music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <Music>
Laura Dugger: One of our sponsors today is Clearly Filtered. Discover their options online at clearlyfiltered.com/savvywaterfilters. Each customer can enter SAVVYWATERFILTERS at checkout to receive 20% off your first purchase.
In the midst of a health care crisis, you don't have to feel isolated and alone. Samaritan Ministries connects Christians who support each other through prayer, encouragement, and financial support for medical needs. Learn more at samaritanministries.org.
Our guest for today is Krista Gilbert, and she's going to offer us creative yet simple parenting ideas and conversations to start now that will actually set us up to maximize our summer later. The second half of Proverbs 21:29 says, "The upright give thought to their ways." This verse reminds me of Krista because she seems to give thought to her summer. And I appreciate her willingness to share that intentionality with us today. Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Krista.
Krista Gilbert: Thank you, Laura. It's so great to be here with you.
Laura Dugger: [00:01:38] Well, I'm excited just for a chance to get to know you a little bit better. So will you start all of us off by giving us a brief overview of your current life stage?
Krista Gilbert: Sure. I live in the Pacific Northwest. I live with my husband, and right now with my four kids, which is really fun. Because normally my daughter is at college, but she's home now. So we're all together. And we love, love, love being outside. We spend a lot of our time in the mountains and hiking and skiing and doing paddleboarding on lakes and doing all sorts of fun things because the Pacific Northwest has such great outdoors. I also work from home. So I'm a writer, I'm a podcaster, and so I spend a lot of time doing those things. And I love it all.
Laura Dugger: [00:02:31] Well, Krista, something that I admire about you from afar is the intentionality with which you approach new seasons. You've always been my go-to speaker for all things summer. So first, what kind of vision is a good starting place for us to have this summer?
Krista Gilbert: Oh, thank you, Laura. I really appreciate those words. That's so sweet. I think no matter what phase we're in of parenting, we can see summer as an opportunity. And whether you have young kids, and so you do things that are more geared toward younger kids or older kids, it's all just one big opportunity for one time that we get to have with our families. It's a little bit different than the school year, which I just love. Because we can be really intentional about how we spend that time.
Especially if you have flexibility with your work or maybe if you're a stay-at-home mom, then you really can be proactive and offensive. I like to say I like to play offense, not defense when it comes to summer. So we can really be on the offense and plan well so that we can, like you said, be intentional and really make the most of our summers.
I always think we have 18 summers with our kids. So how are we going to spend those? And for those of us who are in the second season of parenting where our kids are a little bit older, we only have a few summers left with them. So how do we want to spend that? What kind of time? And also what do we want to see built in them?
That's always one of my long-term goals as well is maybe how we want to spend that time is not necessarily with me physically but it's a chance for them to grow spiritually in a new way or in service or you know, all those things that we're also trying to build in our kids. Especially as we're looking at, for me, my kids graduating and leaving my home and becoming adults. What are some things I really want to see built in them as they grow through the years? And summer is just a great time to really focus on that.
Laura Dugger: [00:04:41] I appreciate how you're speaking to all stages of parenting. But could you give us a quick recap what are your kids' ages right now?
Krista Gilbert: Yeah. So mine are... like I said, my daughter's in college, and then I have three sons. One of them is a senior, one is a junior, and one is an eighth grader.
Laura Dugger: [00:05:01] Okay. And as you look back over your years, what summer memories or traditions stand out as your favorites and your kids' favorites?
Krista Gilbert: Well, for sure summer camp has been a highlight. We have gone to the same Christian camp for... Well, ever since my kids were just born literally, we go to their family camp. So even at a very, very, very young age, my kids were attending a Christian camp.
And then as they've grown, they now and have for a long time attended the camp on their own. At first it was like two days at a time and then it was a week at a time. Now they're actually up there serving. My daughter was on staff the last two summers as a lifeguard, and my boys are on work crew up there. Now that they're in high school, they can do work crew, and they can be junior counselors. So that's a way for them to, again, grow in service, but also to be around this incredible Christian community.
And what I love about starting young in something like that is that it's kind of just what they do. And they grow up seeing all of these role models that are not adults, they're closer to their age, that are cool teenagers who love Jesus. You cannot put a price tag on that. It is the most invaluable thing because then they grow up with that in their minds, and they really aspire to that themselves. But that's, I would say, been one of our number one... one of the best things we've done in parenting is to be plugged into a Christian camp in the summer.
And then I would say another thing that we've done is I tend to do block scheduling with my weeks. So we have a block where we go to our family cabin at the lake. I live in an area in the Pacific Northwest and probably like Minnesota or some other parts of the country there's lakes everywhere. So it's not an uncommon thing for people to go to the lake around here. But whatever it is. I mean, you could just pick whatever it is in your area.
But we block some time that is specifically for lake time. Usually, there's grandparents and cousins. We do cousin camp during that time, and we have family Olympics and everybody shares meals. We take turns doing meals every night. And that's for sure been a highlight as well.
Laura Dugger: [00:07:30] That sounds incredible. And I'm sure it takes a lot of preparation. So if we are at home with our kids this summer and recognize it as an opportunity for more margin, how do you recommend we maximize this season to teach our children some life skills?
Krista Gilbert: I think that's what's so great about summer. I mean, some people homeschool and so I fully recognize that they may be doing this all year long. But for a lot of people whose kids are in school during the school year, this is an opportunity where their kids are home all day and where as parents, we really get to instill some things in them that we want to build.
So there are four things I try to build into every day in the summer. And those four things are work, think, play, and move. So I figured these are four values that are really, really important for us as a family and also for individuals and things that I want my kids to be able to take with them.
Number one is work ethic. That is a huge, huge value for my husband and I. We just feel like if our kids leave our home and they have a work ethic, then that is big success right there. So even when kids are small, I mean, most of the time when you give kids chores, when they're small, it's actually more work for you because they often do more damage than help. Totally recognize that.
[00:09:00] At the same time, as moms, we really get to have that bigger perspective from 30,000 feet that says it's actually not about whether they do a good job on this, it's that they're learning how to work. So for us, we always do work in the morning, because that's when people are most motivated. We get up and we do maybe a devotional, a little bit of Bible time, whatever, and then we're straight into chores because that's just a great time for everybody to rally. We turn up the music, we try and make it fun. But everybody's doing something.
So from the time my kids were little, we've gone through a million different chore charts. But at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter what you do. It's just that you're doing something to teach kids how to work.
Dave Ramsey also has a philosophy about paying kids. Like when my kids were young, we did Dad dollars and mom money. And they could earn different things. For example, staying up late was a certain number of dad dollars. Or a trip to the ice cream store was a certain number of mom monies. But you can also do it as they grow with actual money. So they learn the correlation between work and pay. That's great too if you decide to do that.
Then "think" is the next one. And that is just I want my kids to be engaged non-digitally. So I really want them to be reading or to be learning about something. Often this can happen outside too. Or maybe they have an interest they want to learn more about. So we'll go to the library and check out some books on. Especially when kids are younger, that's just so great, you know, to really focus in on one thing that they really love, and then you get some resources on that and they can be learning about that. So think. Or maybe it's brain teasers or puzzles, or... of course, reading is wonderful at any time in any age.
[00:10:58] And then play. I'm a firm believer in play as a family, that it builds bonds. If you watch kids and how they connect, they connect through play at any age, I mean, all the way through college. So that really never ends. And if you think about it, adults do as well. So how can we tie heartstrings relationally through play, and that can look like kickball games capture the flag and the yard?
Just last night, my kids were learning different line dances on YouTube. We were doing Footloose. That's actually what we were doing last night. You know, but just how can you play with your kids?
And then the fourth one being “move”. This one is often combined with play because we can be playing and moving at the same time. And that's just really great when those pair up. But, you know, they have shown over and over, experts have shown over and over that exercise improves blood flow and memory. It stimulates chemical changes in the brain that enhances learning, it improves mood and thinking, and it also reduces the odds of developing heart disease, stroke, and diabetes. So, you know, it's a no-brainer.
We have a massive, massive epidemic in our young teenagers of anxiety and depression. It's one in four are the current statistics. So that's alarming. And as we look at movement and the role movement plays, it's really important along with sleep, and eating habits. So those three things are so important for kids.
I even think as kids are young, if we can just get them in the habit of always thinking about: how can I be moving my body? That's just such a healthy way of coping with life and really enhancing that brain function. So I think it's just a great time to start young.
And then of course, as kids get older, I think it gets even more and more and more important. And as moms, how are we modeling that? How are we moving every day? And really being great examples of valuing that kind of intentionality with our bodies as well.
Laura Dugger: [00:13:17] I love how you boiled it down to those four memorable words: to work, think, play, and move. You had mentioned earlier that you kind of do a block schedule. So I'd love to hear a little bit more about that. Because it sounds like it doesn't matter on the age. Play is important. But I'm just wondering, as a mom of four kids, how did you do that? How did you prioritize what to say yes and no to keep play high on the list?
Krista Gilbert: Well, I think one of the things is just our favorite things of the summer is when we block time for free time. I will encourage every single parent, if parents have older kids, I would actually do this with your kids as well. But for those that have littles, then you and your husband do it and maybe even extended family.
But you sit down with a summer calendar, and you really lay out, okay, here's family vacation, here is when you know, the soccer camp is, here's when the Christian camp that I'm sending my kids to is. And then you actually put on the calendar free weeks. And these are my favorite weeks that are just... the weeks of the summer where we literally say no to everything, and it's just free time for our family where we can do anything we want to do.
That is so important. Because if we look back at our best memories of summer, they are often the simple things. And really it's when we're unhurried and we don't have tons on the schedule and we just get to be in summer. I mean, those are the golden days of summer. That usually doesn't happen, though, if we don't have some of those weeks blocked off.
And then within that, you can provide structure to that, especially with young kids so you don't go crazy. You know, you have time during the day where everybody gets out and moves, maybe you go on a hike, and maybe you go swimming. But then you have rest time and reading time. Again, getting to that “think”. And then maybe you have a time for creativity, and you do some kind of creative activity. But I would just really encourage parents to be intentional about how they're scheduling.
Laura Dugger: [00:15:33] That's really great to start thinking about now, because then we can also consider: are there any common pitfalls or frustrations about summer that you think could be minimized if we did prepare well?
Krista Gilbert: I think one of the things is sleep. And we forget this. It's really hard here where we live, because we're very far north. We're almost to the border of Canada. So it stays light until 10:30 in the summer. So nobody wants to go to bed. Especially when the kids were young, it was so hard to put the kids to bed when it was broad daylight out.
So it can be really hard to keep on regular sleep schedules. But I would just say, don't underestimate the value of sleep and the way kids act during the day. I know that that for me was a big thing, and it was a challenge. But I had to adapt a little bit because obviously going to bed at seven o'clock when it's broad daylight was not great for my kids. So we adapted to that. So they would stay up a little late and get up a little bit later than they would in the school year.
However, still being really regular. Like saying, okay, then our bedtime is nine o'clock. And then here's when everyone's getting nap. So be making sure they get nine hours of sleep in there. That regular sleep cycle will make a world of difference on how happy kids are during the summertime when you are together day in and day out.
Laura Dugger: [00:17:05] You are so right. That is such a necessary thing that is very easy to overlook. I know another question a lot of us have, what kind of encouragement do you have for the high amounts of togetherness we're going to experience as a family this time of year?
Krista Gilbert: I would just say that I would really encourage one-on-one time with your kids. Because sometimes we're a little pack and we were a little pack, especially when they were young and we were going to the zoo and going to the pool and all these places.
I think sometimes as moms we can get really frustrated with the pack because the pack isn't acting the way we want it to. So that's really hard. And there's somebody melting down. And then we say, You guys. Like every single one of them is melting down when really it's just one.
I think sometimes we have to pull back and say, everyone's doing alone time, which is really good for kids to have alone time. So everyone's doing alone time. I would really make use of audiobooks. There's so many incredible audiobook resources out there. We used Your Story Hour. That was one that we used. And then we used Adventures In Odyssey.
There's some great podcasts for kids out. And I know the library does that as well where you can for free download audiobooks. But put books in kids' rooms and let them listen to something while they play Legos.
[00:18:31] And then you can have one-on-one time with one of the kids. You can just switch that every day who that is. But it is amazing how much you will enjoy your time with that one child. Especially during those dog days of summer where maybe you're halfway through and everybody's hot and nobody wants to go outside and everyone seems a little bit crabby. You know, just separate everybody out.
Some will take naps, some will just be listening to books, but then you can play a game with one of them or make something, you know, make cupcakes or make popsicles. And then you can really just enjoy your kids. I think whenever we're not enjoying our family time, which as moms we know can happen, usually once a day sometimes, is we have to kind of be the physician a little bit and say, Okay, I need to diagnose right now. What do people need? Do they need separation? Do we need more together time?
Sometimes we literally just need to step outside the door. It was like a miracle when I would say, Okay, everybody outside. And we would step outside the door and all of a sudden the entire group dynamic changed because getting outside is so good for everyone and there's room and there's fresh air and there's balls, there's swings. So all of a sudden, it would defuse that moment. So I just think it's a matter of like, as moms, trying to control our frustration and anger sometimes, and really diagnosing what people need.
Laura Dugger: [00:20:05] It sounds like you do a great job making sure, like you said, that you're enjoying your family time. So do you have any tips for us how we can incorporate fun into this season?
Krista Gilbert: I think it's just trying to do the unexpected. I read a study a while back that said relationships grow when you experience new things together. That would be a challenge is how can you do your ordinary routine in a new way? So, for example, if you are taking kids home from swim lessons, could you just all of a sudden swing by the local water fountain and everybody jumps out and throws pennies in or jumps in the fountain? Or maybe you stop and everybody gets popsicles and it's all of a sudden popsicle time.
Kids often appreciate the small things more than we realize. They remember the small things. I mean, I remember one time my kids were doing it, their elementary school, something called Run for Fun. And it's just kids run around during their lunchtime. But I just would show up every once in a while with bags of popsicles. It was the biggest hit ever. And kids talk to me for years after that about the popsicles I brought to Run For Fun.
So it's just sometimes the unexpected, the simple things. So you don't have to change your whole life and create these big, elaborate Pinterest parties. That's not actually what kids often like. In fact, sometimes when we try to make things too perfect, they hate that, and then that actually makes it worse.
So what are just some simple things that kids like that we can infuse into what we're already doing? So maybe that's, can you guys tonight... we're not eating dinner at the table, we're eating dinner on picnic blankets outside. Everybody outside with the picnic blankets, you know. And just really trying to think creatively.
And I think as moms, and I'm so guilty of this, we can get caught in ruts. And then the days just kind of flow into one, into another. So how can we really break that rut and think creatively?
Laura Dugger: [00:22:20] Oh, that is such an awesome challenge.
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Laura Dugger: [00:24:44] I'm noticing you're a super practical girl as well. So let's just brainstorm a few practical applications, starting with, what's your favorite healthy snack for your family during the summertime?
Krista Gilbert: So here's some things that I think are really easy and that I think are great and that kids like. One is frozen watermelon. So we just have that really in the freezer most of the summer where I just put it in zip locks and everybody can pull it out for a quick snack.
I love getting fresh fruit. And then you can always put a fun twist on it. So you can put a spray of whipped cream on strawberries and peaches. You can do rhubarb and strawberry sauce with Truvia instead of sugar so that the kids aren't getting sugar-overloaded. You can make homemade low-sugar jams.
I have a fruit dehydrator, and I just chop up fruit, throw it in there. And that is my favorite snack of all time. And you can just leave it in there for days and then get back to it whenever you have time to get back to it.
Homemade hummus is something I make a lot because you can make a ton of it and it lasts a long time in the refrigerator. It is so much better than store-bought. So I often will have hummus on hand that you can pull out with some veggies.
My new favorite snack is the No Sugar Tillamook Beef Jerky. That's at Costco. It's fantastic. And it's no sugar. So I love that one. Avocado toast is great and fast. I always have pistachios on hand. And I pretty much always have frozen grapes on hand too. I love Frozen grapes. They are so much better than regular grapes.
And then we do a ton of hiking. So I usually have nut mixes. Right when I get home from Costco, I'll just mix together whatever I have, almonds, dried cherries, Craisins, macadamia nuts. Basically, I'll just throw it all in a big bag. And then if we're going on hikes, I'll just make little bags of that, and off we go. So those are some of my faves.
Laura Dugger: [00:26:47] Those are really helpful. So do you have a certain time of the week when you set aside time in your schedule to plan either work or plan your meals?
Krista Gilbert: I have really benefited from the cooking group that I've been a part of. We get together and... we only do one cooking group before the summer and we will make like 15 marinades and then put meat in them and then they're ready to go for the freezer. So even if you're not in a cooking group, you can still do that by yourself where you just do a big shop and have those ready to go.
Obviously, that doesn't cover the whole summer, but 15 meals goes a long way, especially with young kids who aren't eating a ton. So I love that. Every month I'll do that. When we go up to our lake place with our family, that's another time where I will pre-make a lot of the food that I'm in charge of. Because we'll do some lunches, we'll do some dinners. And I'll do ahead of time all that I can. And then that just minimizes how much I have to do when I'm there.
Laura Dugger: [00:27:50] On another practical note, how does your family handle technology over the summer?
Krista Gilbert: This is probably one of the hardest battles as kids get older. I will say for parents who have young children, enjoy the days your kids don't have phones because it is so great. And really, really, really be free. And I'm going to give you just full permission to absolutely do very little technology because someday it will be a battle you fight a lot and on a regular basis. So enjoy that time.
I would say for us we really have to have conversations at the beginning of summer about what that is going to look like to be managing our technology. I don't know if you've ever heard of Dr. Doreen Dodgen-Magee. She was on our podcast a while back. We had a Healthy Way series in January, we had an episode called Taming the Digital Beast. And it was so good. It was just amazing.
She's a psychologist in Portland, who's a digital expert, and she has such great resources. She has a book called Device: Balancing Life and Technology in a Digital World. I love the way she talks to teenagers. And she really does encourage parents to be on board with their kids and have mutual education and conversations about how to manage technology.
We do have a sign up at the lake that says "we invite you to go media free" and we encourage people to put their phones in baskets. I think that's a really practical thing that we can do even as parents. If we just have a phone, some kind of basket or center and we have a sign there. It reminds all of us to go less digital in the summer.
Because as moms we need to also accept the fact that sometimes we're the most guilty. We're on our technology a lot. So how can we just have these little reminders, or maybe you even set a reminder in your phone and say, "Put technology away for two hours and have times of the day where you are not on it."
And then Verizon, I don't know about AT&T, but Verizon has a great family feature where you can turn off technology at just the click of a button. So you don't even have to take kids' phones, you just literally can turn it off for two hours or three hours or however long you want.
And then John Mark Comer is another person that I just love. He came on our podcast not too long ago, and he wrote a book called The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry. You know, his big push is Sabbath, that we actually have a Sabbath during the week where we are completely technology-free. It's a beautiful concept.
And I would just encourage people to think about it. And even if they don't do a whole day, maybe half a day. You know, maybe you just pick one day a week in the summer where you, for a half of a day, are going to be media-free. If you get comfortable with that, maybe up the [inaudible 00:31:12] and then later in the summer, you decide, "We can do the whole day. We're gonna go 24 hours with no technology." I think all of us can really benefit from that: our kids and us.
Laura Dugger: [00:31:22] Well, it's helpful to hear how you actually implement some of this. So I know you've mentioned downtime for your kids. But are you planful and strategic about that? Or what are your thoughts on downtime?
Krista Gilbert: I tend to be a little more structured. Even some of my kids are not so structured. So as they've gotten older, I, for their sake, have had to be less structured because they feel to boxed in by that rigid of a schedule. And that's the dance of parenting. Some of our kids are gonna love schedules, and they're gonna go, "Great! What time is it now? Great. It's art time. Whoo." Where some kids are like, "Can't we be a little more fluid?" So you really do have to adapt as a mom to that.
But I also did something called buddy times. As the kids have gotten older, I don't call it that. But where I would pair siblings. So I would have two siblings paired for an hour block. But I would mix and match who was with who. And that was really fun. And that was considered downtime, because they would just quietly doing something the two of them together.
So I would build it in. But as my kids have gotten older, it just looks differently. For example, we've been under quarantine and so I have certain things that we want them to do every day, you know. And they look very similar to some of those, you know, the four components of summer that I like to incorporate, with some added things as well.
So what we're doing is they just have to hit them during the day at some point. I'm not necessarily going to schedule their blocks like I did when they were young. But I do want them to incorporate these things every day. So they just have to show me where they've done each of those.
Laura Dugger: [00:33:11] I like that, that you're accommodating each of the personality types.
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[00:33:58] These have just been fantastic suggestions so far. But I think part of having a great summer is that we need to be saying no to certain things. You all pack such great things into your summer. What do you have to say no to to make all the rest of it possible?
Krista Gilbert: Well, one, I really say no to any summer commitments, even if I have regular things I am doing. So, for example, we keep our podcast app all summer long. But we're only working one day a month on interviews. So we decide, okay, we're gonna do this one day in June, this one day in July, and one day in August and we'll just do all of our interviews on those days.
And then of course, you know, we still have some other things we have to do. But I really pull back. So even things that I am still keeping going to some degree, I really pull back on. And then anything that would really require me to be involved in the summer, I literally will say to people when they ask me to commit to something, I am not available in June, July, and August.
I am so fiercely protective of our summer. A part of that is we only have so many with our kids, and we don't get them back. And that doesn't mean you can't go do things that you want to do that are requiring, you know, some time. But I would just say I really don't feel badly about saying no to all of my regular commitments that I have during the year. And I think that that is helpful to say upfront when you're committing to something, I am not available during these months.
Laura Dugger: [00:35:43] That's helpful to know. So that's how you actually get your work done. When all the kids are home. You've got it really heavy on one day of the month. Is that right?
Krista Gilbert: Yeah. I can only do interviews that day. So there's gonna be other days where I have to be working on the production aspect, you know, some of the writing or if I have a writing project I'm working on. Four years ago, I was finishing my book. So what I would do is I would take an entire weekend, and I would go and just write the entire weekend. That worked better for me.
Some people get up at five o'clock every morning and will write for two hours before their kids get up. For me, I just really liked blocking time. So that's how I would do it. And so I just think you have to know yourself and know what works best for you.
Laura Dugger: [00:36:32] I think it's always helpful to hear what other people are saying no to. But if you could encourage all of us, what would you advise us to say yes to?
Krista Gilbert: I would definitely say intentionality. Make life special. Because if you don't, nobody will. We are the playmakers. I mean, I was a college athlete. I just love athletics. We are the offense. We are the people who make things happen. We're the playmakers as the moms.
So we get to make life special. So how can you do that? How can you bring fun glasses to the table with a sparkling apple cider and do toasts and teach everybody how to do a toast? How can you make birthdays, especially landmark birthdays? So we do rituals for our kids' 13th birthday or their 18th birthday. We do something special for their 21st.
How can you even be thinking about: how can I do birthdays in a way that really celebrates this child and really is specific to that child? One of my sons is really introverted, and likes quiet, smaller groups. Another one of mine is crazy extroverted, loves big parties. So I'm going to celebrate them really differently. So how can we do that?
Even spiritually. Because life is special when spiritual life is infused into it. It takes on a whole new meaning. It brings in light and joy and comfort and peace and that firm foundation for our kids. And we often don't think about that as making life special, but it absolutely is.
So how can we really make time for encouraging spirituality in our children in the summer? And maybe that's just when you're on a hike, you are talking about, wow, this is incredible what God made, and looking at the little inchworm on the trail, or the leaf and all of the intricacies of the leaf and just talking about, look what God made.
Or maybe that's by, you know, going to a camp and exposing your kids to the outdoors. And what I love about that when kids get older is there's no technology for an entire week. Their souls just open up completely. So what are some ways we can infuse, you know, spiritual life?
And then also, I really like the idea of legacy and heritage and how can we use summer and making life special to include grandparents and aunts and uncles and cousins and that extended family that just causes this beautiful, beautiful place of belonging for our children.
Laura Dugger: [00:39:14] This all sounds incredible. And I love how you boil it down to intentionality. So just for people to get started, if they're going to be talking to their spouse this week about summer, do you have any recommendations for questions to ask each other? Or how would they get their summer mapped out?
Krista Gilbert: It's actually exactly what I do for Christmas as well. I always say to everybody in the family, what is one tradition that will make Christmas for you? And then there's six right there because there's six of us, right? So that's already a lot.
But I do the same thing with summer. What is the one thing that's going to make summer for you? Oh, for my husband, hands down it's a backpacking trip. He wants everyone in the family to strap on a backpack and go hit the trail. That will make summer for him.
Well, for me, that doesn't make summer for me. I'm gonna have something totally different. So, you know, it's like really trying to meet the needs of everybody. And if everybody gets a say, and everybody gets to do the one thing that they really love, then we feel like, Okay, this has been a good summer.
So I think it's just really managing expectations. And that's the other thing I want to say is, for us to be expectant is really different than having expectations. So expectant of what God will do. But in order for us to be expectant, we also need to look at, like, for example, our spouse's expectations and to say, you know, what do you want summer to look like? And really having that open communication helps us to be able to meet each other's needs to meet our kids' needs.
[00:40:51] Maybe for your kids you're thinking a trip to Disneyland is going to make their summer when really what they want to do is play with all their friends in the neighborhood every day and go to the local... the little pool sprinkler or whatever. I mean, it's just amazing sometimes how we really don't know what our kids want and really love. So we need to ask them.
I just like doing family meetings. We call them Jedi councils. And, you know, we have a Jedi council and we ask everybody, what do you want to do? And we just communicate. And it just really does set everything up for success.
Laura Dugger: [00:41:26] I like that, being expectant, but not having expectations. Krista, this time has been incredible. If people want to listen to your podcast or find you online, where would you direct them?
Krista Gilbert: Well, I am at kristagilbert.com, and our podcast is The Open Door Sisterhood. So you can find us there too.
Laura Dugger: [00:41:49] Awesome. We will link to that in our show notes and also on our “resources” tab of our website. And Krista, you know we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. So as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Krista Gilbert: Well, I'm gonna say the Voxer and Marco Polo apps on my phone are the way that I keep total relationships going with my friends all over the country who are also parenting and also who are doing amazing things. I think this is where we can build community in a really beautiful way in the summer. And we can say, You know what? I'm really having a hard day with my kids, they're driving me crazy. I think we're gonna go insane. What are you doing today? And then someone can just Vox you back real quick or Marcopolo you back. It's this whole thing of we're all in this together. And it really does build relationships.
Laura Dugger: [00:42:48] I love it. And you are such a savvy lady. Your warm personality and openness to share all of these things have been incredible. I learned so much in our time together, and I'm leaving this feeling really encouraged and challenged in my parenting. So thank you for being my guest today.
Krista Gilbert: Oh, I've absolutely loved it. Thank you so much for having me, Laura. I really appreciate it.
Laura Dugger: [00:43:12] One more thing before you go, have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
[00:45:11] At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So are you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday May 18, 2020
Monday May 18, 2020
*DISCLAIMER* This message contains adult themes and is not intended for little ears.
104. Sexual Desire Discrepancy in Marriage with Dr. Michael Sytsma
**Transcription Below**
Ephesians 4:2 (NIV) “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”
Dr. Michael Sytsma is a certified sex therapist, ordained minister, and co-founder of sexual wholeness. Dr. Mike has been working with couples in a variety of capacities since 1987. He currently works with Building Intimate Marriages in Atlanta, GA as he meets with clients, teaches, and speaks at various conferences. He and Karen have been married since 1985 and have two sons, Josiah and Caleb.
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
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Dr. Michael Sytsma, as you may recall, is a certified sex therapist and ordained minister. He also was my professor in graduate school, and I count it a huge blessing to continue learning from him and his contribution to this field.
Today, he's going to update us on underlying reasons we are distressed with our spouse when we have differing levels of sexual desire in marriage.
Here's our chat. [00:01:18]
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Sytsma.
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Thank you very much. I'm really honored to be here again.
Laura Dugger: Well, all of our listeners have probably met you multiple times on our previous episodes, but will you tell us what you've been up to professionally since our last recorded conversation together?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Sure. A big part of what I do is providing counseling to couples and doing teaching at various graduate schools and to professionals and then to workshops and seminars.
But the unique piece is 15 years ago, I completed my doctoral dissertation on sexual desire discrepancy in married couples and have just been really curious on what's going on with that. It's been 15 years. Is anything different? Is it still the same?
So we went back and we re-looked at a lot of that data and asked a bunch of couples again to re-complete the survey, added a few questions, or just re-looking at the subject again. [00:02:19]
Laura Dugger: Then from your findings, what has stayed the same over the years?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: You know, when we start looking at the subject and what we're specifically looking at here is the discrepancy between husbands and wives and how frequently they want to engage sexually. Pretty much all couples, there's a discrepancy in it. And for many couples that causes distress or pain. For a few couples, it doesn't.
But the thing that stayed consistent is it's still a major source of pain or distress if not one of the top major sources of distress for couples. We saw again that only a small number of couples actually are really pretty similar in their sexual desire.
So I tell couples if you disagree on how frequently you're going to engage sexually, that makes you normal. That's a primary that couples are going to disagree. For most couples, right around 80%, and this has been validated in cross-cultural studies, the husband tends to have the highest level of sexual drive. [00:03:29] The numbers were a little lower with that. Still, the husbands are the highest drive for most couples.
Then the same thing as we found last time, both husbands and wives are still reporting that they desire sex more frequently than it's actually happening. So whether you're the high-desire spouse or the low-desire spouse, they're pretty consistently saying sex isn't occurring as often as they would like for it to.
So those would be the consistent things that we've seen that showed up again and redoing the data 15 years later.
Laura Dugger: Wow. I think that last thing you said really stands out. Were couples able to give any explanations why they were not engaging as often as they both wanted to?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: That's actually the question that we want to get couples to. Often when couples, for example, come into my office, the high-desire individual, whether that be the husband or the wife, is pretty frustrated at the low-desire individual because they feel like what they're wanting is being held captive by the lower-desire spouse. [00:04:37]
And when I start asking them how frequently they would actually like to engage versus how frequently they are engaging, it comes out pretty consistent with what we found in the surveying.
For example, a husband is most likely to tell me, at least in the office, he'd like to have sex two to three times a week, sometimes three to four, but most often two to three times a week. Most wives tell me that they would like to engage sexually one to two times a week. I point to them and say, there's not a lot of difference between two and two, that he's on the higher end of it, she's on the lower end of that.
But then when I ask them how frequently it's happening, it's rarely that often. Usually, the high-desire person will look at the low-desire spouse and say, "Wait, if you want it more than what we're having it, why aren't we having it?"
I usually interrupt them at that point and say, "That's the important question." Not why are you withholding it from me, or not even why don't you want as much as I do. [00:05:37] It's, why aren't either of us getting as much as what we would like.
And that's where we get into things that are actually solvable and doable for the couple. Maybe she says, "I'm just too tired. There's too much on my plate. I don't have the energy for that at the end of the day." Or "I don't feel like you've connected with me for the entire week." Or he might say, "I just don't feel honored by you. It's tough to want to reach out to somebody who I feel like they've screamed at me all week."
They start to get down to what's really in the way, and it's not the other person's desire. It's something that's almost always very solvable.
Laura Dugger: Do you find that until they come into the office, they're not typically engaging in these conversations themselves to be able to problem solve?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: When couples come into the office, no matter what the sexual problem is, the number one thing we find is they have not really adequately talked about it. [00:06:37] They probably have screamed about it, they've yelled about it, they've held each other in contempt about it, but they haven't sat down and really explored with each other.
Couples can be married 30, 40, 50 years, and they come into my office, and we start asking questions about their sexual life and their sexual interest and their sexual experience. And very consistently couples look up and say, "We've never heard this from each other. We've never had these kind of discussions."
Even as simple as, how do you like me to seduce you, is not a question that many couples have asked. And that very much comes into play with the desire piece. Just not asking what would you like and how would you like for it to be? How often would you like it to be really erotic? How often would you like it to be just soft and tender? How often would you like it to be nurturing? There are different items on the menu, and couples rarely have talked about that level of desire. [00:07:36]
Laura Dugger: Would you say that it's also only possible to start having healthy conversations about this with a third party? Or are there certain things that people could attempt at home that you would recommend?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Well, I think there's plenty of ways that couples can get started with it and doing a lot of that at home. The number one exercise that I give to couples that are just getting started is to pick up a good quality Christian book on sexuality or a good quality educational book on sexuality, to read it out loud to each other.
I tell them the goal is not to get to the end of the book. But the goal is to read a couple of paragraphs and then ask each other, what do you think? And to take turns in who's doing the reading.
And what happens is they hear themselves using the language, they hear themselves saying the words with each other, and then it prompts discussion. They can look and say, Well, I don't think anybody is like this, really.
I've had times when the spouse has asked that. [00:08:38] And the other has looked at them and said, "No, that's me all the time." It gives a foundation for them to start.
It is important that couples be able to just talk to each other about anything. If you can't talk about parenting or finances or the in-laws, you're probably not going to be able to talk about something as core and central as our sex life. But there are plenty of places that you can learn good communication skills. And that sets couples up to talk about it.
I have on my website a working date exercise and several different sexual exercises that they can do during their working dates. Including one of them that is a sexual communication exercise that just helps couples to kind of begin talking to each other, even in terms of talking about what kind of language. All of that can be done by most couples at home.
If it's gotten to the place that they're really already in gridlock, they're fighting, it escalates very quickly, then they probably need a third party to help draw the energy off of it, contain it, and help them to stay their best while they're talking. [00:09:46] But for the most part, couples can usually at least get started on all of this conversation at home.
Laura Dugger: That's a great way of putting it. As we go back to your update on this study, I'm curious now on the other side, where have you seen the most changes in couples from your original dissertation?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: So one of the things we did different is the last time we did what we call forced choice. Where we asked which of you is the higher desire individual in the marriage, the husband or the wife? And this time we gave an option for "same".
We had a number of couples that actually chose "same". 16% of the husbands chose "same" and 13% of the wives said that they believed that they were about the same level of sexual desire.
Then what we did is we asked them: how often would you like? [00:10:45] And we put that into a calculation that told us if the husband was the high desire, if the wife was the high desire, or if they were actually reporting the same numbers.
And what we came up with was about 20% of the couples were reporting their desire being pretty much the same. It was actually 27%. That was interesting to us that almost 10% more couples calculated out as having the same level of desire than even believed.
So our takeaway from that is couples probably are closer together than what they often realize. They begin to... we call it in our field, make attributions. They attribute things to each other that may not be fully true. So the higher desire individual might believe that their spouse has a lower desire than what actually is.
Quite honestly, it looks like from the numbers that the men are the ones that tend to be missing it most often. [00:11:45] So we're probably underestimating our wife's actual desire. So leaning in and really understanding what is it.
So we saw that a little bit last time, but the significant number of couples that are showing up as the same was kind of new in this redo of it. We did see that slightly fewer wives this time around believe that their sexual desire is about right.
Last time it was a bit over 50% of wives said, Yeah, I think I'm okay. This time it was less than 50% of wives. So it's possible that that's a sample difference, but it's also possible that expectations continue to increase for wives. And so fewer of the wives that we're talking to believe that they're kind of okay.
The most significant thing we saw, though, is during the distribution 15 years ago, half of the couples reported a significant level of pain in their marriage due to sexual desire discrepancy. [00:12:47] This time it was 65%.
So we made a big deal 15 years ago that half of the couples that are in our culture that are walking through your school doors or sitting in your civic group or sitting in your churches, half of them have experienced a high level of distress and maybe conflict over sexual desire.
It's gone up 1% per year, up to 65% based on this sample. That means we've gone from being half to a very clear majority of couples are experiencing a lot of distress over this.
So when couples come in and say, we're really fighting over how often we have sex, I can honestly say that's normal, that most couples are doing that. But to see the high level of distress was interesting. It seems like it's going up, not stabilizing and going down.
Laura Dugger: I really want to pause and unpack a few things that you've mentioned. [00:13:47] First of all, just say a big thank you for the research that you're doing. I think that this is correcting a false belief that I've held in the past, which I was under the impression that from research, sometimes wives reported being the higher drive spouse. Sometimes husbands did. But I thought it was 0% of couples that reported the same. But first of all, you're saying that's incorrect, right?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Well, generally, when we ask the question, we're asking an either-or question. So in my original dissertation, we did have some couples that showed up the same when we would do the calculations. But when we're asking the question, we usually do that forced choice.
That's been fairly consistent in the research. So we've very clearly been able to say that around the world, that in pretty much every culture, almost always 80% of the time the husband is the higher drive, and 20% of the time the wife is the higher drive individual. But this just is teasing it out a little bit further to show that there are a number of couples that are coming fairly close. [00:14:54]
Now, we could still get it down if you use an instrument that's fine enough. One or the other would be higher or lower. So some of it depends on how you ask the question.
But to get to the heart of what you're saying, I do think that there are a number of couples that are closer than what the couples realize or do feel like, "No, we kind of have that figured out. We're on the same page."
Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: One other question you mentioned asking the wives if they... I can't remember how you worded it. Was it if they felt that their desire was okay?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Correct.
Laura Dugger: To follow up with that, was there a question for the men as well if their drive, if they would rate it as being okay?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Yeah, so what we asked for both husbands and wives was, do you believe that your sexual desire is about right? We gave them the choice of I believe it's way too low, too low, about right, too high, or way too high. Then we asked them to rate their spouse as well so they could say what they believed they were and what they believed their spouse was.
Pretty consistently, right about 70% of the husbands said that they believed their sexual desire was about right. The wives largely agreed with them. About 70% of the wives said their husband's desire is about right. [00:17:57]
Less than half of the wives believed that their desire was about right and the husbands agreed with them. The numbers were actually 47% of the wives said that their desire was about right with most of them, 50% of them saying it was too low or way too low.
The husbands were only one percentage off. 46% said their wives were about right. We actually had 53% say that they believed their wife's desire was too low.
Laura Dugger: So none of the wives said that they had too high of a drive and also none of the husbands said their wives had too high of a drive. Is that correct?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: 3% of the wives said that they believed there was too high. None of the wives said way too high and 2% of the husbands believed their wife's desire was too high. Again, none of the husbands said their wife's desire was way too high.
Laura Dugger: Then reversing it with the husbands.
Dr. Michael Sytsma: In this sample, we had 16% of the husbands say theirs was too high, and 13% of the wives said their husband's desire was too high. 6% of the wives said their husband's desire was way too high. [00:19:05]
Laura Dugger: Okay, fascinating. Then to go one step further, when they did rate it a certain way, did that tie into a question of how often either the husband or wife were wanting to engage sexually?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: We haven't looked at that, Laura. That would be a good question for us to ask of the data. What we were looking at at this point is how that affects satisfaction, how far the discrepancy between them.
So we focused more on the discrepancy at this point than we have how they feel about their desire. But that would be a really good question to ask. I bet we would find something when we dig into the data.
Laura Dugger: Well, let's go with what you were studying. How did you see that the desire discrepancy is affecting the couple's overall intimacy and marital satisfaction?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: That is really fascinating, and it gets a little bit complex. We initially thought that the higher desire person would dictate, you know, if I'm the high desire spouse, that the higher it goes, the more distress we're going to have in the couple. [00:20:09] And we didn't find that to be true at all.
But it's also not the lower desire. So it's clearly the difference between them that causes the distress, that causes couples to have conflict over it. But when we look very carefully at it, it's actually the perceived difference between them that is most predictive of distress.
So let's say that we take my wife and I, and we say that we are a stereotypical couple where I'm the higher drive and she's the lower drive. It's not my high drive that causes the problem, but it's actually not even her low drive that causes the problem. And it's not actually the difference between my high drive and her lower drive that's causing the problem.
The problem comes from the difference between what I think her desire level is and what she believes or what she's reporting her desire level to be. So for a couple that comes into my office, I look at them and I look at the lower desire wife, and I'll say, "How often would you like to have sex?" [00:21:13] And she says, "I don't know. Maybe once a week." And I look at her husband and say, "How often would your wife want to have sex?" And he goes, "Never." Well, there's a big difference between once a week and never.
And the further apart that perceived difference is, the greater the distress there is in a couple. And that was fascinating to us, that it's not about what is, it's about what we believe is that's causing the problem.
The further that discrepancy increases, the more we see distress in the couple around sexual desire, the lower their overall reported level of sexual satisfaction. So not just in the area of desire, of course, but overall they report sexual satisfaction lower. And we saw lower marital satisfaction, the further apart a couple is.
Our guess at that, our interpretation of it is, these are couples that really aren't talking well to each other. They don't believe the best in each other anymore, very likely, at least not in this arena. And when we're not extending grace, when we're not believing the best in each other, when we're not leaning in, being curious and really trying to understand each other, but are trying to be proscriptive, are trying to be critical, the relationship satisfaction goes down. [00:22:25]
So what we found is, yes, the further apart a couple is, the more problems they tend to be reporting in their marriage.
Laura Dugger: Wow. I can see how that's incredibly helpful for working with couples, and that you've noticed that they're more so relying on assumptions rather than having open, curious, grace-filled communication.
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Right. The beauty of that is, for your listeners, that's something that they can work on without any help from the outside their marriage. Sitting down and starting the process of being curious.
"So I'm just curious, what would you like? How often, if it were totally up to you, would you like to have sex?" And expect conflict back from your spouse. Expect them to blow up a little bit. Expect them to get heated. Expect them to be angry, because we haven't had open, curious conversations.
You have to remain calm and cool. "Okay, so what I hear you saying is this." And just take the lead in engaging in an open, curious, grace-filled conversation about it, and allowing your spouse to unpack it with the hope that they'll, of course, flip that around and then be curious about you. [00:23:37]
Couples that overall can talk about other arenas can usually do that pretty well, and they don't even need outside help to start breaking down some of those misassumptions.
Laura Dugger: That's a helpful next step to work on closing that gap. Do you have any other suggestions for what couples can do?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Probably just doing some reading. Anything that's going to help them to get to understand each other, even the nuances of desire. We asked if you're open to sex or if you're initiating sex, why? We saw men being a little bit more towards the physical side of it, women a bit more towards the relational side of it, but both of them saying their number one reason they're pursuing sex is for connection.
Sometimes that's really missed with couples. The lower desire often believes the higher desire is just horny or demanding, and they're not seeing it as a bid for connection, as a bid for being close. [00:24:40] And so exploring with each other what is interesting in it, what do you get out of it, and why do you pursue it? Just having those open conversations I think is the best thing for couples to do.
But the other piece is, the gap may not be the problem. Maybe a crazy example is you have just gorgeous hair, I don't have any hair. That doesn't cause distress for me, even though there's a big difference between what we've got.
If that causes distress though, that becomes a problem for me. But it's not about changing the fact that you have hair and I have none. I don't think we would be successful in changing the fact that I don't have any. And many times couples come in and they want to change their spouse, make him have less desire, or make her have more. The problem isn't what is, the problem is how they're handling it.
If we can work on reducing the distress that's coming from it, that's when we make a big difference in it. Helping them to realize we're not as far apart as what we are, or helping them to see that there are different things that are going on underneath the surface. [00:25:52] That it's not just about being horny, it's not about demanding, it's about changing the way we experience the gap I think is the biggest challenge there.
That's what I see in my office, what makes the massive difference. Couples walk out of my office often with about the same gap as they had when they walked in, but they're not in distress any longer. They understand each other and the role of sex in the marriage differently. So they have a much healthier sex life, even though we haven't changed the gap, per se.
Laura Dugger: I love that, because then it's really getting to the root issue, rather than just some of the surface differences.
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Yeah, we're not trying to change something that we haven't, in our field, figured out how to change yet.
Laura Dugger: You seriously do not want to miss out on our Patreon guests. One example from last September is Tracey LeGrand's episode, which discusses the science of female orgasm. She also shares how couples can enjoy a more pleasure-filled sex life, and she brings some scripture to life in a new way I've never considered. [00:26:58]
Please don't miss out. Pledge $5 today and receive this episode in addition to many others when you visit thesavvysauce.com and click on our Patreon tab. Then click "Join Patreon here". We think you're going to love it.
I'm hesitant to ask this next question because this is not a talk to focus on parts and numbers, but still, I'm curious. From your research, you said on average, the wife was reporting desiring sex about, on average, one to two times. The husband, maybe two to three times. That's per week. How often did they rate that they were actually engaging in it?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: The actual engagement varies a bit on how many kids are in the home, how old they are, if there are health issues that are going on. If there are little kids in the home, obviously we see... little kids especially, we see those numbers drop pretty substantially. [00:28:00] But most of the couples we're seeing right about the once a week is about how often it's happening.
Older couples tend to report a little bit less than that and young newlywed couples tend to report more than that. But right about once a week.
What was interesting is both husbands and wives tended to agree very closely on what those numbers were, which was kind of surprising. We expected there to be more discrepancy and they were pretty close.
Laura Dugger: Well, that is interesting to note. I guess part of my heart behind asking that, do you have a range, like a danger zone or something to be cautious of? Not that it's wrong, but on either end, do you have a recommendation for this may be on the side of connecting too much and this would be a red flag you may not be connecting enough?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: I would not put a top end if the sex is about connection, if both of them are enjoying it. [00:28:59] I have couples that I work with that have sex daily and a couple of times a day on the weekends and it's rich for them, they enjoy it, neither of them feels pressured into it. So I don't know that we'd put a top end if the heart is in the right place and the focus is in the right place.
For a lower end, I get a bit anxious when couples consistently drop below that once-a-week marker. It seems like when a couple drops to every other week, it's pretty easy for it to drop to once a month and once it drops to once a month, it's pretty easy for it to drop to once every three months and once it gets to that, it's really easy for them to move into a sexless marriage where they haven't had sex in months, they haven't had sex in years.
I think trying to shoot for just that kind of weekly marker is a healthy goal. That they have sex two, three times a month. May be doable for some couples that can keep that on a really consistent kind of basis. [00:30:02] But as it drops much less than that, I get quite concerned.
It's kind of the thing that, especially for the lower desire individual, whether that be the husband or wife, the less frequent they do it, the more energy it takes to kind of gear up and to experience desire.
We're seeing definitely that, especially wives, but also many husbands, don't experience desire until they start to get aroused and begin to focus in on it. So many of the wives that I work with, they'll say, "Well, you know, 5 to 10 minutes into it, then it's enjoyable. And I'm wondering, why don't we do this more often? And then 30 minutes after we're done, I have no interest in it again." That the desire is present when the arousal is there.
So if they're not actively engaging, the desire tends to minimize even more and more, and it takes more energy to kind of get the engine warmed up and get it moving forward. Where if they regularly keep at it, it tends to work better. [00:31:04]
Laura Dugger: For those couples who are engaging in mutual sexual intimacy at whatever frequency works for them, what are some of their positive side effects for the relationship?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: The biggest difference that we see is these are couples that report an overall higher level of marital satisfaction. Now, of course, the question is, are they having sex more because they like each other more, or do they like each other more because they're having sex more?
The answer we kind of come back with is yes. It's a chicken and egg thing that's kind of... it works hand in hand. We see things like an improved immune system, them feeling more bonded, glued together. That's just part of how the biophysiology of it works.
I guess one way to put it is we would see them having sex as more of an energy than a drain. For couples that are struggling with keeping the frequency within parameters that are workable for them, sex becomes a problem area, and it becomes a drain in the marriage, and it's a pressure. [00:32:11] The higher drive is always irritated that it's not happening enough, and the lower desire is frustrated because of the pressure that they're feeling.
So rather than it becoming an energizer for the relationship, it becomes a drain. For couples that are doing it more frequently, it becomes more of an energizer.
One of my colleagues says that sex is only about 10% of a marriage in a healthy marriage. It's 80% of a marriage in an unhealthy marriage. That it just becomes a real stumbling block.
But back to some of the basic stuff, the overall health, the immunity, cardiovascular function, we've got some research that proves that it decreases depression in people, improves overall life enjoyment.
So generally, it's set up that it's going to be a healthy thing for us if we can keep it moving. If it becomes a pressured area, it tends to distract even more.
Laura Dugger: I love your response to that, because I do think that when it is going well, and like you said, when the heart's in the right spot, it just points to our Creator and what He intended for this to be such an incredible gift that blesses so many areas. [00:33:20]
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Yeah, very much so.
Laura Dugger: This may be an unfair question, but if you could only drive home one point today, what is the main thing that you want listeners to be aware of as it relates to marital intimacy?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: I don't know that this comes specifically from the research, Laura, but I've really spent a lot of time with my couples talking about the concept of seduction. And many times people kind of rear up internally when I mention that word, because we have such a negative connotation, and think about it as that means I have to be very exotic. And that's not what I'm inviting.
If we think of a couple that's dating, they are seducing one another. They are always being their best. They're always doing what it takes to draw the other to them. And that sense of drawing you to me, of being the kind of person that draws you, that's what I put the label of seduction on.
So a husband is seductive when he gets on the floor and he plays with the kids. [00:34:20] A husband may be seductive when he's helping to clean the house beside her, or they're doing tasks together.
A wife is seductive when she looks up at him and says, you are amazing, I am so proud of you. A wife is seductive when maybe she brags on him in a neighborhood party, and he hears her just lifting him up.
There are a lot of ways that we can be seductive to one another. We tend to intuitively know that early on. Many of the couples that I work with, especially who come in with desire problems, they've stopped being seductive. They've stopped drawing one another. They've moved to a sense of demanding. "You need to be this way for me. I need this from you, I'm going to be angry, I'm going to be hurt, or I'm going to be disappointed if you're not."
To encourage them to kind of reverse the role, and how can you draw your spouse into it? You did that really well. You talked them into committing to spend the rest of their life with you. How can you go back to being that kind of a person? [00:35:23]
So I would just say if they can move into, how do I live seductively around my spouse? I think that can go a really long way to changing the whole tone of the marriage and of our home.
Laura Dugger: Wow, I love that, Dr. Mike. I really like that language around it too. I feel like you've even given us a practical application or some creative ideas that we can start to think, how can we do this in our own marriage?
If listeners want to take this one step further, whether that's making an appointment with you or hearing you speak elsewhere, where would you direct them?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Probably to the website, IntimateMarriage.org. We keep an ability to connect with us through counseling. We try to keep up there the different places that I'm speaking. But there's also online teaching there.
You can go through the entire Passion and Intimacy workshop online through our website. [00:36:22] I think it's the third hour or so is an hour on desire, and we talk through a lot of these concepts for couples. So all of that's available on IntimateMarriage.org.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We will link to that on both our show notes and our Resources tab on the website. Everyone knows we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. And so as my final question for you today, Dr. Seitzma, what is your savvy sauce?
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Just kind of continuing the last thing that we were talking about, in part because it's such a focus for what I'm teaching and helping couples with right now is just become an expert at living seductively in your life with your spouse. How do you continually draw them? How do you be your best self every time you're around your spouse so that you're successful when they look over and go, "Man, I remember why I married you. I really like you." And so how can we live in a seductive way in our marriage? [00:37:25]
Laura Dugger: Well, I just want to say thank you again. You're such a friend of The Savvy Sauce, and it's always fascinating just to sit under your teaching. And I appreciate this research that you've clearly communicated to us. I think it's going to be really uplifting to everyone listening. So thank you for being my returning guest today.
Dr. Michael Sytsma: Thanks. I really appreciate it.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. [00:38:25] But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? [00:39:30] We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. [00:40:32] I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday May 11, 2020
Monday May 11, 2020
103. Making Family Memories with Jessica Smartt
**Transcription Below**
Mark 10:45 (NIV) “For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Jessica Smartt is a former English teacher turned homeschooling mom of three. ESTJ. iPhone addict (in recovery). Anxiety overcomer. Allergy mom (only slightly neurotic). Loved by God, and wife to Mr. Fix Anything. She runs a mean 12-minute mile and can make just about anything dairy free. She is a passionate Christ-follower and has been published on The Huffington Post and has written an ebook on How To Introduce Your Child To Jesus. Jessica is passionate about helping moms to detach from the ever-present lure of technology (which can feel way more fun than parenting), about helping women recover from worry (been there, done that!) and about how to be a confident, purposeful homeschooling mom.
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: The principles of honesty and integrity that Sam Leman founded his business on continue today, over 55 years later, at Sam Leman Chevrolet Buick in Eureka. Owned and operated by the Bertschi family, Sam Leman in Eureka appreciates the support they've received from their customers all over Central Illinois and beyond. Visit them today at LemanGM.com.
If you're like me, you may appreciate inspiration for more memory-making with your family. Jessica Smartt is my guest today, and she's the author of Memory Making Mom. Her newest book is actually going to be released early on June 9th, and it's titled Let Them Be Kids, which is so perfect for this season.
Today, we're going to discuss both books, and Jessica is going to share more details about how we can incorporate meaning into our family's lives by creating memories with the people in life who mean the most to us. [00:01:20]
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jessica.
Jessica Smartt: Thank you so much for having me.
Laura Dugger: Will you just start us off by sharing more about yourself?
Jessica Smartt: Yes. So I am a homeschooling mom of three and married to my husband Todd. We met in college leading Young Life, and we live in North Carolina. I guess something kind of unique about us is that we are about to move to a family farm. My parents bought a big plot of land, and so I will live there with my parents and my two sisters and ten cousins on this farm, which is kind of fun.
I also write. I have Memory Making Mom, which came out a year ago, or so, and coming out very soon is Let Them Be Kids: Adventure, Boredom, Innocence, and Other Gifts Children Need. That's about all I have time for.
Laura Dugger: That would take a lot of time, but I just want to gush for a moment. [00:02:20] I absolutely loved your book. I originally read Memory Making Mom over a year ago, and then as soon as everything happened with this COVID-19 situation, I pulled it back out. I just think that your book can be so helpful during all the stages of parenting. So thank you for creating that first inspiring resource.
Jessica Smartt: Well, that's so wonderful to hear. I'm so glad that you enjoyed it.
Laura Dugger: I know that you and I share the same Christian faith, and so I would just love to hear what you learned from Jesus and the Bible as it applies to memory-making.
Jessica Smartt: I think that for me, I realized that the things that I want to do and long to do, I struggle to do in my own strength. And so I think where Jesus meets me is He helps me to be the mom that I want to be.
The whole point is we're not perfect, and that's why He came. [00:03:20] So we'll never do it perfectly. And I wouldn't want someone to read the book and feel like they're behind, or they just can't do it, or, you know, that's great for you, but I can't kind of thing.
Because I really believe that He calls us to do things, and then through His strength, He gives us the ability to do it. And if we fall flat, which I do all the time, He forgives us and helps us. So that's, I think, where He comes to me in that message.
Laura Dugger: I love hearing the background. I do remember from your book when you were speaking about memory-making, you said Jesus knew it. On His last evening with His disciples, He didn't take them to the temple to squeeze in one last reading of the Torah. He didn't do one final whirlwind miracle healing tour. No. On Jesus' last evening with His friends, they ate dinner, a reclining, savoring sort of dinner.
I think that was the foundation for your book that was so impressive. [00:04:20] You taught us that we could just be intentional with things that we're already doing and create these unbelievable memories.
So before we dive into all the ways that we can practically create memories, can you first teach us how we can accept that the effort required for memory-making is more valuable in the long run than the time we could have been doing something else?
Jessica Smartt: Well, I think our own consciences tell us that. I think I referenced something about this, but when we lay our heads on the pillow at night, like, we intrinsically know what we were proud that we did, the things we feel good about in life. So I kind of feel like it's obvious to us.
But I think also if we look back and think about who made an impact on us and what was most meaningful in our own childhoods, it wasn't somebody sitting on the corner watching TV, right? It was the people who got down on our level and played a game with us or taught us how to sew or took the time to make our favorite meal. [00:05:28]
So we know that is meaningful. I think there's just so many distractions, even more than our parents and grandparents had.
Laura Dugger: Definitely. And we are in such a unique time right now. So hopefully with our conversation today, we can kind of just weave in both books. Because I can't wait to get my hand on your newest resource, which hasn't been released yet.
But can you just share how we could incorporate all these things that you've been studying from both books during this coronavirus season?
Jessica Smartt: Yeah. It is really crazy. Honestly, God's timing, because I'll just tell you this. I had a two-book deal, and the topic of the second book was not determined and it was kind of a real struggle to land on it. I would go back and forth, you know, with the publisher, and we just couldn't quite get it right.
Then when we finally... it was more like came back to Let Them Be Kids, which is what I had wanted to write all along. [00:06:29] We were running out of time, and it was a very quick turnaround. There was a lot of moments where I asked them, "Can we please push up the timing? Can you please give me more time? Let's sit in 2022 or, you know, whatever." And that didn't happen.
But now going through it and realizing that this book is coming out during this time, it is such a wonderful confirmation to me that the Lord knew all along that this message would need to be in the world right now.
I had no concept that there would be a global pandemic and we would be stuck in our houses, but I just felt really strongly that kids are being pushed in a lot of directions, and there's a lot of busyness and technology and push to be more mature than they are, and that we can just enjoy letting them be kids like we did when we were young and have that kind of childhood where we can just play and run.
So the irony is now we have so much time, more time than we want to a) make memories, and b) let them be kids. [00:07:33] But if you're like me, you know, I'm chomping at the bit to kind of get back to normal, quote-unquote, but I think what I've realized is that this is a horrible thing.
I feel terrible for the families who have been impacted, but for many of us who are just kind of in hold right now, we've been given an incredible gift, and that gift is time. And we have time, and our children have time. And so we can invest in them and make memories together, even though it will look different than we thought it would prior to 2020.
But we also have time to let them just be their little beautiful selves and make mud soup and go pretend fishing and learn to whittle. I could go on and on. And I know these things have happened in homes all over. So I guess it's just a matter of parents realizing that this is the beauty of this time.
So it's not fun, it's not maybe the Disney vacation we had planned, but we can still be intentional and make memories that our kids may look back, honestly, and really treasure this time because of all of the memories that they've made in the family time, basically. [00:08:40]
Laura Dugger: Well, I couldn't agree more with what you're sharing. One memory that most of us can do right now is share a meal together. So will you explain your perspective on how sharing a meal bonds us?
Jessica Smartt: Well, it's experiencing beauty together. I think before I really invested a lot of time into memory making, because there really was a large chunk of time that I was just kind of surviving, and I was just making normal boring meals and not really trying very hard, that's not really an experience that you're having together. It's just kind of sufficing.
But when I started exploring with... and I'm still not like the best chef ever, but trying to make new things and really investing into things that people like and making the table look pretty, I mean it's almost like you can't even explain it, but it's just this whole sense in the room that like we're having something special together. [00:09:39]
So during this time, I think food can be even more meaningful, which is probably why people are making all those jokes about gaining weight during the quarantine, because it's like one of the pleasures that we can still enjoy. So it is more meaningful, I think, to our kids than during real crazy busy seasons.
I've tried to just make some special desserts, and we sit down a little bit longer and we have a couple meals that are like our staple, we enjoy every week, such as our Saturday morning pancakes. And so for sure those are not going anywhere. That becomes even more special because it's like one of the small things we can do each week together that's really fun.
Laura Dugger: I'll probably just sprinkle some of your quotes throughout this talk, just ones that I had jotted down that were meaningful or inspiring. But you had said, "As we sip, savor, sample, and are satisfied, the mood changes. Food makes people happy, and happy people bond." [00:10:41]
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Laura Dugger: You also say in your book a quote from someone else that says, "What we learn with pleasure we never forget." And so regardless of our choice for schooling our children, right now most of us are homeschooling. Even outside of this season, there's plenty of education that happens in the home. So what are some ways that we can inspire lifelong learning that does begin in our homes?
Jessica Smartt: Well, I think of my neighbor when I answer this. [00:12:39] Her kids go to the local public school, and so they're not home during the day like ours are, but their home is so rich and full of curiosity and creativity. And I think there's two steps to that.
Number one is like what you're putting in. You want to have access to good and beautiful things. Books that are great to read, you know, not cartoony, just easy. I mean we read some of those too, but you want to have wonderful books around. That can be audiobooks. I always thought that was kind of cheating, but then I heard Sarah McKenzie of the Read-Aloud Revival say that it was not cheating, and so I will remember that forever.
Now during the quarantine especially, there's so many resources of free Hoopla and you know Books Everywhere. So just having a lot of availability to good literature and then supplies to learn and create all sorts of crafty things. We have the ability to give our children more of these things than any generation before us. [00:13:41]
So those things should be in the home. There should be supplies and time for kids to experiment and learn and create together. But then I think the second part, and this is a little harder to hear I think sometimes, but I do think that if you have overabundance of screens in the home, they're not going to be as likely to pick up some of those other options. And I'm totally including myself in this as well.
If my phone is sitting next to me and I'm just, you know, allowing myself to get on the phone, so to speak, I'm not going to pick up the book. I'm not going to play the piano, which is something I like to do every once in a while. I'm not going to create something.
So I think making a priority as a family to put screens in their place and say there are times that they're not available and we're just going to go do other things is also really important in making that learning atmosphere.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's so well said. [00:14:40] With your new book, you do talk about some gifts that we can give our children. I think it's even in the subtitle. So do you mind just sharing some of those gifts?
Jessica Smartt: Yes. I knew right away that one thing I wanted to list was boredom, which a lot of times today is not spoken of as a gift. You'll see articles about boredom busters and ways to fight boredom and never hear "I'm bored" again and that kind of stuff.
But I think boredom can be the start of something really beautiful, whether it's people on their own saying, Okay, I don't have anything else to do, I'll... Well, here's an example. My 10-year-old has taught himself how to play guitar over the last couple of months, you know, because he had time. So it's a gift to have time where you're on your own.
But also I think boredom in friendships sparks something really beautiful. I like to think about all of those years in college in a time when we didn't have phones and internet and all that. [00:15:41] And I think about all the quality time that I spent with my friends or even like on a car trip. We didn't have our phones. We were just together.
And so I think when you allow kids or adults to be bored together and not to gravitate to technology, a lot of really beautiful, rich bonding happens during that time. So I think we need to strive to create that white space where we're not picking up our phone or rushing to the next thing because some really beautiful things happen, for kids and adults, during that time.
Laura Dugger: Again, so much of this applies to this season right now, but definitely beyond this global pandemic. So, in general, why do you believe some of the best traditions include serving others?
Jessica Smartt: Because as Christians, we know that's our point to being here. We know that we're not on Earth just to make ourselves happy 24-7. [00:16:40] And I think that this time under the coronavirus has brought to light for a lot of us that we really just like to make ourselves happy because a lot of those creature comforts have been stripped away.
But that's not the point of our life. The point of our life is to love God and be the hands and feet of Jesus to the people around us. So I think it's awesome to have adventures and family bonding times, but I think ultimately, we were put here on earth to serve others.
That's also going to be the most impactful for our children is the time that we spend serving others. Because when I look back, so many of my closest friendships developed out of times of serving together, working towards a common goal.
Laura Dugger: So what are some ways that we can serve together as a family?
Jessica Smartt: We do blessing bags. We passed somebody just today and I thought, "Shoot, we don't have our blessing bags. We put together some things that people that we might see out in the community would need—water and Band-Aids. [00:17:44] A lot of times the people that you see that appear to be homeless, I keep them in my car, so we'll do that.
Another way that we can serve one another, the primary people that God has put in our lives to serve is our family. When our kids are sick or we have a member of our family who's sick, I think the way that we can pour into them can be so meaningful.
And you don't think of sickness times as being memories, right? We think of the good things. But when they're at their weakest and their most vulnerable, there is a real potential there to love them and impact them. So whether I'm talking about how I care for my own kids, sitting with them and scratching their back and reading them a book and taking a little bit of extra time.
I got a lot of this actually from Edith Schaeffer's book, What is a Family?, which is a fantastic, really old book, which has so many things along this line. She talks about how, you know, making a little tray for someone who's sick and trying to make it beautiful, putting a little flower when you bring it up to their room. [00:18:45]
It just opened my eyes to the ways that... you know, I tend to view sickness as an inconvenience, like hurry up and get better so we can resume our life. But really those are opportunities to invest in our families and to show them that we really love them and that they matter.
Laura Dugger: Such an opportunity for impact. I even think to times when we were the most needy, if someone was recovering from surgery in our family or right after having a baby, you just don't forget the things that your community does for you in those tender times.
Jessica Smartt: Exactly. I agree.
Laura Dugger: In addition to serving, in your book, Memory Making Mom, you highlight how even the littlest people also need work. So how can work become a way to make memories?
Jessica Smartt: Yes, absolutely. I've been thinking about this a lot with this upcoming summer because I feel like this is... I joked with someone the other day, there was Memory Making Mom and this summer is going to be Character Building Mom in the ways that we're all just going to learn it. [00:19:52] But I think this summer is going to offer us a lot of opportunities to grow work ethic in our kids. And that is really important. It is not as fun, but it is really important.
I think it was a couple of weeks ago that I realized my kids need to do the dishes. They're totally capable. They can be doing the dishes. And so it was the most amazing feeling in the world when my husband and I sat down on the couch and watched them wash dishes.
And don't get me wrong, it was a colossal mess, but it's so rewarding to everybody. I thought, why did I wait so long to do this? So I'm excited to kind of sit down over the next couple weeks and brainstorm how I can start implementing some new jobs, like the next level for them, looking through the summer. Because it is so important. Life is not all about us and just having fun. You know, as parents, we're not just constantly entertaining them.
Laura Dugger: Just remind us, what ages are each of your kids right now?
Jessica Smartt: 10, 9, and 5. [00:20:52] So they really should have probably been washing dishes for a while before this.
Laura Dugger: But you've taught them so much. I know you emphasize that it's important for us as parents to expect much. So will you just elaborate on that idea?
Jessica Smartt: Just that they are capable of more than we think that they are. So I always say, whatever jobs you think you're going to give them, if you're going to set up a chore chart, then double it. Because when you think about past generations of children and what they did and how they helped the home, it's tremendous.
Laura Dugger: For families with more than one child, I'm sure they already know that it's very challenging to carve out one-on-one time with each of the children. However, you encourage that individual bonding is essential and may even be some of our kids' most treasured memories. So how can we actually ensure this happens? [00:21:52]
Jessica Smartt: We don't do it probably as well as a lot of other people. This is an area we're still working in. But one person that I love watching on Instagram, and a couple people I've seen do this, once a week everyone has a night.
Which you could do, for example, every Thursday night you alternate through the kids. Like Thursday night is one-on-one night. So for your family, they may have one time a month where they get to stay up late and play a game. Everyone else has to go to bed at the normal time and they get to have like a special treat or dessert.
So I feel like that's a really good way to do it. We've done a lot of breakfast out with Dad and they just adore that.
Laura Dugger: Those are really good ideas. I like that. We have pretty low standards. The way that we do it, once our kids turn three, we want to at least have a special one-on-one date with mom and a special one-on-one date with dad, just for the year, was our goal.
Jessica Smartt: I think that's great, too. [00:22:52] Honestly, one little time that they can build up to, that's better than nothing. I think that's great.
Laura Dugger: And yet it's still encouraging to hear it doesn't have to be a big production. It could just be 30 minutes late on bedtime. So that's something that's applicable right now.
Some of you have asked how to find specific books or resources we've mentioned in one of our previous episodes. That's why I'm excited to let you know about our "Resources" tab. When you visit TheSavvySauce.com, you can click on our tab called "Resources". There you will find all of the resources mentioned from every episode. And when you purchase a resource from that list, you're actually supporting our work at The Savvy Sauce.
We also spend a lot of time preparing show notes for every individual episode, so you can access websites, scripture, and the recommended resources when you click on any episode after you visit thesavvysauce.com. We hope you take advantage of these features so you can apply all that you've learned. [00:23:54]
I appreciate how you have this balance of, we're already having meals, or we're already doing work, so we can be intentional with memory making. And also, you continue to remind us that this is costly. It takes intentionality, and it takes time. But the return on these investments far outweighs the cost of our effort or time. So with that in mind, what part does prayer play in all of this memory-making?
Jessica Smartt: I think just that we need the Lord's strength to be able to be the kind of parent that we want to be. So quite often, I just pray that God would step in and give me His Spirit to do these things, and I think He honors that.
Laura Dugger: Now, assuming that we are implementing some of these ideas with our families, how do we maximize the enjoyment by both reminiscing on past memories, and then also looking forward to future experiences? [00:24:55]
Jessica Smartt: I think that's a great way to just build it up and talk it up. I think we all have that child that starts planning their next birthday like a month after their birthday. But that's a part of enjoying and looking forward to.
I think that's been part of the thing that has been sad for some people about the coronavirus. But we can treasure the past vacations we've had and memories that we've had, and then we can look forward to the ones we will have when this is over, because it just makes it last so much longer to be able to look forward and back.
Laura Dugger: Jessica, I'd also like to kind of pivot now and hear a little bit more about this upcoming book. What are some of the parts that you're most excited about sharing?
Jessica Smartt: I have told most people, if you liked Memory Making Mom, you will absolutely love Let Them Be Kids. It's more well-written, and I almost feel like the message is even more needed.
I was a little nervous writing the first book to be authoritative, I guess, or even take risks as I was writing. [00:25:59] With the second one, I just thought, you know what? No, I'm just going to... if I want to make a funny joke, I'm going to make a funny joke, even more than in the first one.
But I think the message of it, things are getting so crazy and I'm really passionate. It's in an essay form, so instead of really long chapters, they're like little edible chunks that you can read here or there. There's one on letting kids have stuffed animals that I think is really funny and cute. There's one on letting kids be awkward and uncool.
There's a lot about technology. There's teaching your kids about sex, how to porn-proof your home, imagination, how to get your kids to read more. There's a part that says a list of things to have your kid do instead of handing them a screen when they're grumpy.
There's 50 books to read before your kids leave home and 50 movies to watch before your kids leave home. It's just a labor of love and I can't wait to get it out there into the world.
Laura Dugger: And we can't wait to read it as well. So what are some of those ideas? [00:26:59] What did it actually look like and what was the fruit that you saw produced from those experiences?
Jessica Smartt: I think I've realized that my kids don't need to be as busy as the world says. I think I've realized that it's good for them to fail. And so I should care more about character than how they do in a baseball game.
I think I've definitely realized another big theme is that we need to be authentic as parents. If we're saying adventure is important and screens are not as important as people and reading is good, all of those things, then we need to be living that message because they see right through it.
There's a chapter on the gift of family and why kids need a family unit now that's loving and supportive more than ever before in history. I think it's just encouraged and affirmed a lot of the things that I was doing anyway. [00:27:59] But I hope that it's a good reminder to parents to just let them be kids and let them grow up slowly and enjoy a lot of the fun, crazy, down-to-earth, carefree days that we enjoyed when we were younger. That's my hope.
Laura Dugger: And then also I'm just curious about your process and development as a writer, because it sounds like there was even a maturation process between the two books. So will you take us back? How did you know that you even wanted to publish your first book?
Jessica Smartt: I've always wanted to write a book forever and ever. It just felt like I never would. I was introduced to an agent through a friend and he said, "We're going to wait until we have the best idea that we can possibly have for your first book. We are going to start strong."
So we spent months talking, just talking about life and talking about things until we landed on Traditions and Memory Making Mom. [00:28:59] It was something that I had just recently started implementing. So it was an easy thing for me to write about because I had spent a lot of time already talking to so many people about, well, hey, what traditions do you have? And, you know, Googling and Pinteresting and all those things.
So it was just an overflow of what I had been learning. But I have loved every single step of writing a book. The beginning part is the most overwhelming. But yes, I would love to write more.
Laura Dugger: You mentioned that you were just getting interested in memory-making a few years ago. So what changed in your parenting or why did you decide to go on that trajectory?
Jessica Smartt: I think one of the nudging points was being in the hospital with my son after he had had an allergic reaction. It was just a wake-up call moment, which I know a lot of us have had, where I felt like if that's all we had had with him, I would have regretted some of the time we spent. [00:30:00] So it just was a kick in the pants to be more intentional.
Laura Dugger: Wow. God has such an incredible way of taking hard times and making something beautiful from it. Looking at your current life, what are some of your favorite current traditions?
Jessica Smartt: We love doing a Smartt Family Day, you know, for our last name, Smartt Family Day, which I copied from a friend. We try to do something new we've never done before, just spend the whole day together as a family. So I'm not sure how that will look this year. We usually do it in the summer. But I love that one.
We do love our Saturday morning pancakes. I know our kids would say that.
Then traditions are also just things that you share together. We really love weather watching because I'm obsessed with the weather and have this thing for tornadoes. Storms are something that we always build up.
We like to watch my boys watch Dude Perfect with their dad, which is just... and then they'll play some of the silly games. [00:31:01] I don't know if anyone has watched that, but it's hilarious.
Just even little shared jokes and hobbies. The kids always play a basketball game with my husband before they go to bed. Those are just some low-key ones for now, I think.
Laura Dugger: That's helpful because the less big and fancy it is, the more replicable it can be. So with your Smartt Family days, we don't know what the summer will hold. But what have some of your previous ones looked like in years past?
Jessica Smartt: We rented a boat and went on the lake. We rented an RV camper and went camping and then we went kayaking. So we actually did buy a camper a year ago. And so I think we may just go to a new place, I think, and do something... maybe do a different kind of a hike or something for ours this year.
Laura Dugger: I love these ideas because you're kind of sparking creativity and novelty. It's something that the Lord's been teaching me lately. [00:32:02] There's a proverb that talks about someone who refreshes others will then themselves be refreshed. And I was just thinking, I want to refresh my family. What does that look like?
And novelty came to mind in addition to warm and kind and encouraging attention. I think both of those things are encapsulated in what you're saying with those family days. So we might have to give that a try.
Jessica Smartt: There you go.
Laura Dugger: Well, Jessica, how do you think that the good news of Jesus applies to what we've been discussing today?
Jessica Smartt: Just that He is the giver of all good things and we don't deserve it, but He allows us to enjoy family and nature and beauty and quality time and all good gifts come from him. So I'm just so grateful that he puts the lonely in families.
Laura Dugger: Amen to that. Are there any practical tips that you have for us? [00:33:01] If we want to get started with some of this today, are there any certain books that you recommend we read with our kids or ideas that we could grab on to?
Jessica Smartt: Well, my new book, Let Them Be Kids, at the end, I have a huge list of books to read segregated by age and character-building movies. I also have a list of things that kids should have on hand at all times. I mean, it's just kind of a funny list, but that would be a great place to start just for a next step.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. In case it's anyone's first time listening, we always will put all of these links in both our show notes and on our resources tab. So it's all easily accessible at thesavvysauce.com.
But Jessica, where can listeners find these resources and maybe preorder your newest book?
Jessica Smartt: They can go to Amazon. Let Them Be Kids and Memory Making Mom are both on there. I'm on Instagram @Jessica.smartt with two Ts, and my blog is smarttereachday.com. And "Smartter" has two Ts. [00:34:08]
Laura Dugger: Well, you know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Jessica Smartt: I would say two things. My nightly tradition with my husband of watching a show together, which sounds really superficial, but it's just our time together. We've done it for 10 to 15 years. We pray and then we always have something that we're working through. And it's just the most favorite part of the day for both of us to just connect. And everything is done that we didn't want to do in the day. So that's really huge for us.
Then my prayer triad. A couple of years ago, I started meeting with two ladies from church every other week. We've been doing it virtually and that's kind of sad. But it's just been such a wonderful way for me to have people encouraging me and holding me accountable in things, and, you know, just knowing that I have a place to go. [00:35:10]
If I'm overwhelmed and worried or struggling with something, to know these are my people and I can go talk to them about what's wrong and they've got my back. So I would really recommend that if somebody doesn't have it and they're looking for community.
Laura Dugger: That's such a great idea. Jessica, this has just been such a helpful time. I know that you've sparked so many ideas for how we can creatively and intentionally make these memories, regardless of what the season looks like. So thank you for being my guest today.
Jessica Smartt: Thank you so much for having me. I've really enjoyed it.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. [00:36:12] So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? [00:37:12] Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. [00:38:16] I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday May 04, 2020
Monday May 04, 2020
102. Sustainable Health & Nutrition with Molly Pflederer and Ryan Parnham
**Transcription Below**
1 Corinthians 10:31 (ESV) “So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”
Molly Pflederer is a 38 year old mother of 3 and has been married for 16 years. As a trained holistic health coach and graduate from the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, Molly is passionate about helping others feel their best and find purpose. She has always been passionate about health and fitness, but grew increasingly more intentional when she found her health in a bad state. She was experiencing daily headaches, body/joint pain, extreme fatigue, brain fog, and digestive issues. With 3 kids under the age of 4 at home, she was miserable but couldn’t simply lay in bed. Then, the depression started to set in. After years of useless doctor visits and unexplained symptoms, she searched to find a different way.
Ryan Parnham is a 40-year-old husband and father from the Midwest. He works as a nurse practitioner and has been practicing for over 12 years. He is a certified Primal Health Coach and has also completed additional training with the Institute for Functional Medicine.
His passion is living with meaning and purpose while achieving and maintaining good health for life. Ryan has been a health and wellness expert for many years and believes the path to good health does not need to be complicated and should be approached with both balance and common sense.
Ryan found himself overweight and out of shape in his early 20’s and, since then, has dedicated his life to reversing this pattern by achieving and maintaining great health. He is not a fan of fad diets, exercises or supplements and develops his approach based off of what he calls “the four key elements” to health: nutrition, sleep, movement and stress. He loves helping and coaching others on their journey to better health and vitality.
Article on Gluttony with John Piper
Ryan and Molly’s Recommended Recipes:
Egg muffin bites (Easy breakfast)
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
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We get to chat with two health coaches who happen to be local to central Illinois, but have an online platform and online course where they're able to coach people from anywhere in the world.
Ryan Parnham and Molly Pflederer are going to share actionable steps for intentional and sustainable results in your health journey. [00:01:22] We also chat about health in the broader sense, as it's a stewardship issue.
They have an interesting perspective, how to know if a lack of or over-focus on our health is actually becoming an idol.
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Molly and Ryan.
Ryan Parnham: Hey, we're super excited to be here. Thanks for having us.
Laura Dugger: Let's begin with you both sharing more about yourselves and what qualifies you both to coach individuals through their health journey.
Molly Pflederer: Well, hello, I'm Molly and I am a health coach. I'm a graduate of the Institute of Integrative Nutrition. I suffered from my own chronic poor health in my late 20s and early 30s.
After years of searching for answers and going through unexplained health symptoms, doctor visits, ER visits, and just kind of a lot of wasted time — I had three young kids at the time and I was just always kind of feeling like I had the flu — I started looking for alternative options to begin to feel better. Because this went on for a couple of years. [00:02:27]
I started looking into diet and lifestyle and different avenues to change my health. Thankfully, I found some answers and then later on went through some education and training to become a health coach so I could help others.
Laura Dugger: Wow, that's incredible. I'm sure that was a really trying journey to go through. Would you be willing to elaborate a little bit more on what they did find?
Molly Pflederer: Yeah. You know, my kids were... I had a newborn and a one-and-a-half-year-old and a three-year-old and I just felt sick all the time. You know, it's normal to be tired and run down after having that many children and that many close of time span, but I just constantly felt sick.
I had headaches and nausea and body aches. I couldn't get past like one o'clock in the day without just feeling just terrible. So I started digging in and just found I had some different food sensitivities. The inflammation in my body was elevated and just started going through a process to see what foods those were. [00:03:32]
It took some time and some food elimination and trial and error and learning. You know, over the course of about a year, I really found some answers and what foods I needed to avoid. It was a big learning process. But I learned so much. I started feeling better and that gave me the motivation to keep going.
Laura Dugger: Awesome. Thank you for sharing. Ryan, what about you?
Ryan Parnham: Hi, I'm Ryan. I'm a married father of two and I've been in the healthcare industry for almost 20 years now. Started out as a nurse and then went back to school, got my master's degree and I've been working as a nurse practitioner now for almost 13 years. That's my full-time gig.
I'm also a certified health coach as well through the Primal Health Coach Institute. Really had a kind of a lifelong interest in health and wellness. But despite that, my early 20s, I kind of got out of hand with me, with going through college, getting married at an early age, and just not making the greatest choices with my eating habits and all that kind of stuff. [00:04:40]
So by the time I was about, I don't know, 21 or 22 years of age, I found myself significantly overweight and out of shape. I just didn't want to be like that and feel like that. You know, working in healthcare, you see what happens to people over many years that don't take care of themselves.
I think I was about 23 years old and I vowed, you know, I'm going to spend the rest of my life just trying to make myself the healthiest version of myself that I can be and also just continuing to research, study, so I can help others become healthy as well.
I've also completed training with the Institute for Functional Medicine. So I'd say I have a pretty, you know, well-rounded approach and a lot of education from different various sources.
Laura Dugger: Both have fascinating stories. I love to start with the end in mind. So how would you both encourage us that it is a worthwhile pursuit to gain great health? [00:05:41]
Molly Pflederer: You know, when I'm working with other people or just talking with a family member or a close friend, I think it's easy to want to be on the fast track. You know, everybody wants quick, rapid results or wants to feel better faster. And really it does take time and being patient.
And just looking at it with the perspective that, you know, whatever position you're in, you didn't get there overnight. And it's going to take some time.
When we feel good, we are better people in society. I mean, I know for myself, I'm a better mom, I'm a better wife, better friend. And when I went through those days of not feeling well, I was grouchy and irritable. It just didn't allow me to be the best version of myself and who God intended me to be.
So I think keeping that in mind as well, just when we feel good, we do good and we just have more desire to be who God created us to be.
I listened to a short podcast that John Piper was being interviewed on. [00:06:44] And it was really good. He referenced four warning signs that you might be going through that you might have a sinful relationship with food. I thought those were just really good to reflect on.
He talked about when we become indifferent to the harmful effects that food has on our bodies, we just get to a place where we aren't even concerned about it.
Number two, we become indifferent to the way we steward our money around food choices, which I think is something that we don't often think about either.
Number three, we use food as an escape from our problems, kind of like using it as our medication for our sadness and our discomfort and just our day when we have stressful days.
And last, he said that we stop enjoying food as a way of enjoying God and we stop tasting the goodness of God in our food. And we replace the goodness of God with food.
I think that this is something I know in my own life that I have seen times where I've gone through that. Or, you know, even up until just last week, days that my kids are driving me crazy or stressful things happening with work or spouse. [00:07:46] And it's just you find yourself gravitating towards those poor choices.
So I think keeping your relationship with food in check and your contentment in God I think is something to be cognizant of.
Ryan Parnham: Yeah, I agree with everything Molly said. It can be uncomfortable to talk about, but there's some sins that are really easy to pick out: lying, the cheating, the stealing, the idolizing money, sexual sins, materialism, you know, whatever. The list can go on and on.
But really I feel that not taking care of our bodies that God has gifted us with can also be a sin. Because if you're not feeling your best and you don't have energy and you don't feel like doing anything, then you're really not able to be the disciple that God puts you on this earth for.
We can idolize food, laziness, comfort, whatever. It's really important to really take inventory and be honest with yourself about my honoring this body that God has given me. [00:08:46]
And then really taking a very balanced approach to achieving great health. Because it's really easy to flip upside down and go from not taking care of yourself to now the pursuit of health becomes the idol. Molly and I have recognized that at periods of time in ourselves, too, where we've had to learn how to really approach health with a balance.
Yeah, just knowing how to be honest with yourself in your current state of health and recognizing that a change needs to take place so you can be the best version of yourself.
Laura Dugger: I appreciate that paradigm shift where you're teaching us that it can become idolatry on either side. I'd love for you to elaborate just a little bit more on warning signs of it becoming an idol of worshiping your health.
Ryan Parnham: Sure. Well, there's probably quite a few warning signs, but I'd say some of the main ones are: it's something you're just constantly thinking about. You can't even enjoy time with your spouse or your kids because you're so worried about, you know, getting that workout in. [00:09:50]
Or say it's a celebration of some sort. It's a birthday party and you feel guilty because you had a piece of cake. You know, you've been eating great all week and then you have that piece of cake for the birthday party and then you feel guilty. You feel terrible. "Oh, I just messed up my diet. And then maybe you get off the bandwagon or maybe you just continue to beat yourself up over it.
You know, just constantly obsessing over the scale, getting on social media and comparing yourself to all these different models or whoever else you might be seeing on there.
Even just comparing yourself to other people in general is a slippery slope. You should just be worried about yourself and your own health. So I would say those are kind of the main warning signs that come to mind.
Molly, do you have any other ones?
Molly Pflederer: As a female, it can be really hard. We play the comparison game a lot, especially, you know, as moms. I know for me, I'm moving into my 40s here and I think that it's really easy to kind of beat yourself up and play that comparison game. [00:10:52]
I spent a lot of wasted time when my kids were younger trying to get back in shape after having babies. And, you know, maybe one of them had a snotty nose but I'm like, Nope, we're going to the gym. You know, got to get that workout in.
I spent a lot of that time 12, 13, 14 years ago just in that space and it wasn't fulfilling. Yes, I may have gotten in shape faster. But at the end of that, there's no fulfillment inside.
A lot of it is trial and error. A lot of it's just learning as you go. And hopefully, you can connect and speak with other women that are like-minded and have gone through the same thing. It's kind of like, you know, when you're in high school, they say, "Oh, enjoy those years. They go by so fast."
And then you get married, "Oh, enjoy those single years. It goes so fast." It's kind of starting to really look at your peers and your elders and people that have gone through that and just embracing the phase you're in, embracing the body you have in that moment where you're at with what God gave you, and loving yourself. [00:11:56]
But yet keeping health on the forefront of I'm doing this to be healthy. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whatever you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." God truly wants us to be healthy, but not at the sacrifice of our family and our friends in our everyday.
Laura Dugger: Well, and I'm sure something that everyone listening is picking up is something that I appreciate about both of you. It's your balanced and holistic you. So can you tell us a little bit more about your 80-20 rule?
Molly Pflederer: The 80-20 rule is more of a phrase that kind of helps people relate to a style or an approach. So 80% of the time you're eating whole foods, so it's like one ingredient foods, you know, things that God put on this earth for us to eat. If you can grow it, you should eat it.
The 20% comes where you're eating... maybe you're at a birthday party and you have that slice of cake. So we really focus on this approach because it is a sustainable approach long-term. [00:12:56] We have found our members that we've coached have really loved this process.
It's the way both Ryan and I have lived for,... I think we decided it was maybe 20-plus years combined. So we feel like it's a very successful, sustainable way of living.
Ryan Parnham: It takes away that pressure of having to be perfect all the time. Many people try to go on a diet with the idea that they're just going to crush it. It's going to be 100% perfect. And then human nature is, you know, several weeks in, you're going to fail at some point in time, okay?
The New Year's resolution thing, that's why by first week of February, the gyms are empty again. It's that same mentality.
What the 80-20 approach does is it allows you to have some flex in there. A personal example for me, and I think Molly's family does a similar thing, on Friday nights we like to make homemade pizza and watch movies or play games or whatever the case might be. And that's kind of a flex meal for me. [00:13:57] I incorporate that homemade pizza into my 20% and I enjoy it and have no regrets and get right back on track the next day.
So it takes sometimes a little bit of thought and planning. You look ahead at your week and you say, "Okay, Sunday, it's grandma's 90th birthday. I know I'm going to have some cake that night." And you just build that into your lifestyle and you enjoy it and you get right back on track the next day.
Laura Dugger: Another thing that I see both doing well is incorporating some less thought of topics into your program. You do cover topics such as rest and stress management, mindfulness, and social relationships. So I definitely want you to elaborate on all of those in addition to the foundational blocks of food and fitness. But let's just begin with food and nutrition. Will you share some of your knowledge and tips with us? [00:14:54]
Molly Pflederer: You know, when it comes to the nutrition side of our program and what we believe, we try to keep it as basic as possible. We focus on just whole foods. And that's going to be your plants, your fruits, your lean proteins, nuts, and seeds. Like if you grow it, eat it. So we try to keep things really simple.
The thing is our ancestors ate that way. But now we have grocery stores and so many things easily accessible, processed foods, and so we really try to avoid those.
Just some simple tips for just better nutrition. Keep it simple. Plan ahead. Meal planning is such a big part of my week. That's what we encourage our members to do, just for the simple fact that when you have a plan in place or if you have that food in front of you or in your refrigerator, even if you went the next step and went ahead and prepped it or batch cooked.
So cook your vegetables or your proteins ahead of time. [00:15:54] And then from there, you can build a plate or a bowl at lunch or on a busy night. During the week, if you need a dinner idea, you can easily grab food that you already have ready, kind of on the go. If you're at home and you need a quick lunch.
Or during the weeknight, if you aren't going to cook and you need a fast meal, you already have food prepped and ready to go. So that's really what sets you up for success. I know for me, I do this on Sundays.
I usually spend a little bit of time, and you can designate however much time you have, and I just make sure my groceries are ordered, I cook a few things, and then I have it ready for the week. Sometimes during the week when I cook, I'll double my recipes, and that's something that's really simple to do. And then you have food for the next day or to throw in the freezer. I have found this to be very successful, and I know that our members have too.
Laura Dugger: Just one follow-up question with that for somebody getting started. How much time do you personally spend on that meal planning portion, deciding what it will look like before you get started? [00:16:56]
Molly Pflederer: Probably 20 to 30 minutes. I sit down with my calendar. I look at my week ahead. This is usually on Sunday for me. I'll look at the week ahead. I'll see what nights we're home for dinner and sitting down. I'll see what nights we might be there but busy and needing to go.
From there, I'll just gather my recipes. I use Pinterest. I think it's probably one of the best resources out there. I will decide what's for dinner. I'll put it physically on a calendar. But I'm a paper person, so it's really simple for me. And then I order my groceries.
So I just hop online, order them, so I know I can look in my pantry, see what I need, have everything done and ready. So that usually takes me 20, maybe 30 minutes tops. But then I may spend at least a solid hour, and it's usually right around dinner time where I'm prepping food.
If I get real crazy and I want to plan everything for the week, I might spend two hours. But honestly, it could be a 30 to 60-minute commitment one day a week just to even give you a jump start and get you ahead. [00:17:53]
Laura Dugger: What's fascinating about that is that we may have excuses or be reluctant to try this and say, Oh, I don't have time. But really think of Monday through Saturday, when dinner time comes, you are going to spend a long time deciding what to do and probably will waste more time. Has that been what you've found as well?
Molly Pflederer: Yes, for sure. The weeks that I don't go into it prepped and planned and ready to go, I will be way more likely to kind of turn circles in the kitchen. I don't know what we're having. Or then, hey, let's just go grab something. Let's go out. Which is okay every once in a while.
But I feel like just taking that time and setting it aside saves time, even though you may think on the forefront, I don't have that time to begin with. Everybody has 30 to 60 minutes a week that they can set aside for this. It's just a matter of finding what day and time works best for your schedule.
Laura Dugger: I've heard somebody else... it was a different podcast. [00:18:52] I can't think of the lady's name, but her pastor challenged her to say whenever she was coming up with an excuse, "and that's just the way I like it". So if you say, Oh, I never have enough time to make a healthy dinner, and that's just the way I like it, it puts ownership to make you think, is that true, or do I need to change my priorities?
Molly Pflederer: That's great.
Laura Dugger: Well, you two also teach about intermittent fasting. So can you share what that is and explain why it's so powerful?
Ryan Parnham: Yeah. Intermittent fasting, it's a very popular buzzword these days. And that's because it is a very powerful tool. So fasting, of course, is refraining from doing something. So with intermittent fasting, we're talking about fasting from food for a certain amount of time. What exactly does that mean? And why would somebody do this?
There's a lot of different ways to go about doing intermittent fasting. There's a lot of different protocols and different definitions. Some people consider a short overnight fast as sufficient, and some really zealous people are doing five, six, seven-day fasts. [00:19:58]
The main thing is that our bodies are designed to have periods of time where we eat, and we're designed to have periods of time where we don't eat. Modern society has really encouraged just constant sort of grazing all the time, and our bodies really weren't meant to do that. Our bodies thrive, they heal, they repair during periods of time where we're not taking in food.
So this fasting period is, number one, very, very good at helping your body tap into its own body fat stores for a variety of reasons.
A second big advantage of fasting, and this is backed up by a lot of scientific studies, is that there are so many health benefits that go along with it. It can lower blood pressure. It can improve blood sugar. It can reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease and maybe even cancer and lots of other different things.
So it's a very, very powerful tool that we all have the ability to do. But there's a big disclaimer here. [00:20:59] If it's not something that you've ever done before, you just don't want to just dive into it and start some fasting protocol that you're not being guided on or you're not exactly sure how to do because there's various ways to approach it and different tips that we recommend.
Part of our program is we help walk people through getting started with some intermittent fasting. It's a very gentle approach that gradually builds throughout the program. It's very doable, very sustainable.
We're huge believers in it. We both have practiced it for... I've probably been doing it for at least five years now or so. It's just been life-changing for me. I think Molly's been doing it for a while as well.
Laura Dugger: So what does that personally look like for you?
Ryan Parnham: Great question. Great question. I'd say time-restricted feeding, in my opinion, is the most doable form of intermittent fasting. So basically what that means is every day you're going to have an eating window and a fasting window. [00:21:58]
And that time period is going to vary from person to person, sometimes day to day. Honestly, most people, it should vary in length day to day. Nothing with the human body should ever be just stagnant in the same day by day. Our bodies were meant for variation and variety.
So for me, I stop eating after dinner. So if we're done eating dinner by 6:00 or 6:30, I'm done eating for the night. Then I will fast into the next day. Now how long do I go into the next day is just going to depend on a variety of factors. It's going to depend on, number one, how do I feel? Did I sleep well? Am I really stressed out? Do I feel really hungry? All those sorts of things.
If I'm not feeling my A-game, then I will likely eat breakfast in the morning. If I get up and work out in the morning, I typically will eat earlier. But a couple days a week, I push that fast a little bit longer. I may shoot for 16 to 18 hours, one to two days a week.
I always do a minimum of 12 hours. [00:22:59] I think that's associated with a lot of health benefits. A lot of fasting experts and a lot of research has shown that at least shoot for that 12 hours of going without any food. It lets your body repair and digest.
The reason I don't eat much food before bedtime is because if you eat too close to bedtime, it can interrupt your sleep. It can interrupt the repair systems in your body. So that's why I choose to stop eating right after dinnertime.
Laura Dugger: You've mentioned abstaining from food. What about something like tea in the evening, something in addition to water?
Ryan Parnham: That's a great question. With fasting, you're abstaining from food and all calories. That includes beverages as well. But if you have herbal tea, black coffee, black tea as well, without any cream or sugar in it, those are totally fine.
So in the morning when I'm fasting, I drink black coffee. Molly will have tea. In the evenings, I like herbal tea, so I'll drink some herbal tea in the evening. And yeah, that does not break a fast. So that's an excellent question. [00:24:04]
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Laura Dugger: Getting really practical, do you guys have any recipe examples for breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks? And ideally within this, if you could include some kid-friendly options.
Molly Pflederer: We just talked about fasting and breaking your fast, and that's where the word breakfast comes from. But you can eat breakfast at any time of the day, right? It can be 6 a.m. to 10 a.m. Some people even eat more of a brunch, and that looks like breakfast.
I think for breakfast, keeping it pretty simple is always a good idea. You don't ever want to overload your first meal of the day with a ton of carbohydrates and processed foods. [00:27:04] I like to eat eggs, just a simple omelet with maybe a side of berries, a smoothie with a quality protein powder, with some berries and a handful of greens. You can throw some avocado in there for some healthy fats.
So those are great, easy, relatively quick meals. And the good thing about eggs is you can make eggs ahead of time. You can make little egg muffins, just store them in the refrigerator or the freezer. And those are even kid-friendly for school mornings. So that's something that we like to do in our house to keep it pretty simple.
Ryan Parnham: Regarding lunch, for example, I always recommend having a huge green salad for lunch. And not just greens. So you're going to add some protein to it and some healthy fats and such. So like an organic spring mix, for example, where you get some spinach and arugula and some kale and stuff like that. And just make a nice big salad. [00:28:02]
Then if you had chicken or steak or something the night before, you know, dicing that up, throwing it on top. Maybe take half of an avocado and put it on there. Feel free to be liberal with some extra virgin olive oil, some almonds.
I mean, it's going to be packed with nutrition. You're going to have non-starchy carbs. You're going to have fiber. You're going to have protein. You're going to have healthy fats. And the most important thing is going to be satiated.
And because there's no simple sugars or anything like that, it's not going to spike your blood sugar up, causing that mid-afternoon crash. There's a lot of people that have that mid-afternoon energy crash. So it's super important that at lunchtime you have a really healthy lunch that's not going to spike your blood sugar. It's going to have healthy protein and healthy fat and hopefully keep you satiated until dinnertime.
Molly Pflederer: Yeah, dinner I feel like I tend to keep it a smaller meal. I'm kind of with Ryan. I tend to have a bigger lunch and keep dinner a little bit smaller, sticking to, you know, a lean protein with a side of vegetables and some healthy fats. [00:29:06] I would say my plate is probably more full of vegetables than anything.
After dinner, a lot of times what we do in our house is a bowl of berries with dark chocolate chips. So something, you know, if you're having those sweet cravings too, to just kind of satisfy that.
I know especially for women and hormones, there are those times where you really just want something like that. That really does the trick. And my kids have adopted that and really love to do that too.
As far as snacks, you know, something in my house that's really common that we do a lot is make kind of peanut butter protein balls. Those are gluten-free oats and honey and peanut butter and maybe even some, you know, dark chocolate chips in there. Just kind of rolled up, stored in the refrigerator or freezer, and they can grab those. They even like to make them. So we are happy to share that recipe.
Laura Dugger: Yes, let's definitely link to some of your recipes that you guys have mentioned. One last thing, you said that a lot of your dinner is vegetables. What are some of your go-to vegetables? [00:30:04]
Molly Pflederer: You know, I tend to eat with the season. That's just more my cravings. In the winter, I tend to crave more roasted vegetables like broccoli and roasted squash, whether it's butternut squash, even some sweet potatoes, green beans, mushrooms.
Ryan Parnham: Roasted Brussels sprouts for sure.
Molly Pflederer: Roasted Brussels sprouts are great. I'm a big fan of sheet pans. Sometimes I just even empty out my veggie drawer and just put everything on it, toss it with avocado oil and some garlic powder, salt, and pepper. And that's kind of my trio seasoning. Anything tastes good roasted in that. So that would be more wintery.
Summer we tend to grill and we have a side salad with dinner or we'll have the summer fresh market vegetables that I can grab. We tend to eat more raw or grilled vegetables in the summer.
Ryan Parnham: You know, exploring different spices and seasonings is super important. It can make a bland meal taste absolutely amazing. [00:31:03] So chicken and broccoli, for example, is really, really dull. But if you add the right seasonings, it tastes pretty darn amazing.
Another tip I like to do, especially in the wintertime, if we roast Brussels sprouts or steam some broccoli or whatever, I'll take that and whatever meat we're having, whether it's venison or chicken or whatever the case might be, just throw it all in a bowl and put some olive oil on it with plenty of seasoning. And, you know, like everything but the bagel seasoning is really good.
Play around with stuff like that. Otherwise, yeah, it can get really dull. But if you add the right seasonings and enough salt to taste and that sort of thing, it can be really delicious.
Laura Dugger: This is so helpful to get started with food. Are there any foods that you would absolutely recommend we completely avoid?
Ryan Parnham: You know, we're all individuals, right? So the foods that we tolerate are going to vary. But I think it doesn't matter what diet you're talking about. I think vegans and carnivores and everybody in between alike can agree that processed foods are just not good for us. [00:32:08]
These prepackaged foods made in factories, they're just full of sugar. If you look at the ingredient list and you can't pronounce it, it's probably not going to be very good for your body.
And avoiding sugar. In small amounts, a little bit might be okay, but it's never good for you. High fructose corn syrup, all those things, those can just trigger a whole host of issues in the body from bloating, brain fog, fatigue, increase your risk of metabolic syndrome and diabetes and heart disease. Nothing good comes from those if you're consuming those on a regular basis.
If you choose to add those into your flex, maybe into your 20% once in a while, that's okay. That's an individual thing. For the most part, I stay away from that stuff. I just feel better if I don't eat it. But there's nothing wrong if you want to have a donut with your kids on a Saturday morning or something like that. That's what the 20% is for.
Then the other big thing to avoid are sugary drinks. [00:33:06] So drinking your sugar is just so hard on the body. So hard on the body. It gets immediately absorbed. Usually, it's full of high fructose corn syrup and stuff, and the body doesn't know what to do with it. So it ends up storing it as either body fat or visceral fat, which is fat around the organs.
And it's so easy to drink those huge sugary drinks. Those big ones you get at Starbucks sometimes have 500 or 600 calories and maybe even 100 grams of sugar. So that's just a big hit to the body. So we really recommend just being really, really cautious and trying to avoid drinking your sugar for sure.
Laura Dugger: The topic of sugar makes me think about these energy bites that you were talking about as well. Is it okay to put honey in all of those, more of a natural sugar, or would you recommend staying away from that?
Ryan Parnham: I think a little bit of honey is okay. It's a natural sweetener. There are some health benefits to honey. But you don't want to go overboard. Like those little energy bites, my wife makes those too, and they are really good. But I would not consider it a health food. [00:34:08]
I would consider it a healthy alternative to a dessert. It's enough to kind of take the sweet tooth craving away. You kind of have to tell yourself ahead of time, I'm only going to eat two, not 12. Because it's really easy to taste so good to eat a bunch of them. It's just having the right mindset about it.
Laura Dugger: Let's transition now into talking about fitness. When it comes to movement, what would you say is the purpose?
Molly Pflederer: The purpose of movement is to be healthy. Of course, when you're working out or exercising you're burning calories. I think so many people have the mentality that I ate this yesterday, so now tomorrow I have to go to the gym and I need to work out and be on the treadmill for an hour. And they're watching the calorie count and they're making sure they're burning what they ate. And really, that's a race to the bottom. It's not going to work, first of all.
You can't outwork a bad diet, for one. Number two, if you can look and change your perspective on movement, exercise, or fitness from a health standpoint and keeping your muscles toned and in shape is going to help protect your body and the structure of your body and your bones as we age, as well as your cardiovascular health. [00:35:23]
Looking at your fitness through that lens versus the staying thin diet lens is definitely the approach that we have. We tackle this topic a little bit within our online course about just functional movements. You know, squats and push-ups and possibly pull-ups, or even how beneficial walking just alone can be as a de-stressor. Just keeping your body in motion throughout the day.
There's that magical 10,000-step number and a lot of people try to hit that. Not that you have to hit that exactly. But all that means is at the end of the day that you've been up and moving about throughout the day and not sitting still.
Ryan Parnham: My goal anyway is not necessary to have a long lifespan. I do hope to live a long time, but I want to have a long health span. Meaning that I'm going to be as healthy as possible as long as I live. Unfortunately, I don't think our Western society values that a lot. [00:36:21]
I mean, people may be living fairly long, but how many of those years are healthy versus unhealthy? Working in health care and chronic disease, I see all too often these people, they may be 80 years old, but they can't do a thing. They haven't taken care of their body over the years.
When we're up and moving and we're not sitting for long periods of time, it just benefits our body in so many ways. We have our lymphatic system. When you're sitting idle, it's just not good for your body. Fluids pool. Our bodies were meant to move and work. That's how God created us. And really, our modern society has stopped us from doing that.
We're meant to be up and moving all day and then resting appropriately. But we're meant to lift heavy things. That doesn't mean you have to become a bodybuilder, but building muscle, even if it's just a little bit, helps, like Molly said, to protect your bones.
When you get older, it'll protect you from... if you fall, it'll help maybe prevent you from breaking your hip and ending up in a nursing home or something like that. [00:37:20] And then also, the more muscle you have, the more forgiving your body is too. If you do eat some more calories or some food that isn't as good, it gets absorbed up into the muscle.
And working out, like Molly said, is not good for burning calories, but it's great for your cardiovascular health. Cardiovascular exercise is shown to help prevent dementia and delay cognitive decline just through some of the hormones it releases. And just overall, it's like nature's natural stress reliever and antidepressant as well.
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We would be so grateful if you would think about what role you could play to support us. [00:38:23] It's super easy to join with only a few clicks. As you visit thesavvysauce.com, click the "Patreon" tab, and then click "Join Patreon Here". We hope you're rewarded for your generosity.
Now let's discuss some of those less thought of topics. How does stress management affect our overall health?
Ryan Parnham: Our bodies were really designed for short-term stress. If you go back to hunter-gatherer days before we had 40-hour plus work weeks, before we had a kid that had to be at baseball practice and another kid that had to be at band practice and deadlines and social media and all that stuff, we had short-term stress. Running away from danger or fighting another tribe or something like that. The stress was short and sweet and didn't last forever.
What's hurting us now in modern society is this chronic stress. [00:39:22] Our fight-or-flight system, that's what gets kicked on when we're stressed out, and that's meant to save us in a short period of time. Well, that fight-or-flight system is on all the time now.
What that can do is increase levels of cortisol and other stress hormones in our body and can really damage our health over time because our bodies are not meant to be in chronic stress. We try to cope by drinking more coffee or drinking alcohol or sleeping less to get more done, all those bad habits and stuff.
So finding a way to manage that stress is just paramount to health. It's just as important, really, as eating well and exercising. Because if you're doing those things but your stress is just way out of control, it can really have devastating effects to your body.
Laura Dugger: What about when it comes to mindfulness? Why is a proper mindset so critical to success?
Molly Pflederer: This is a great question. This is something that wasn't always present for myself. [00:40:24] I definitely was somebody who went through the motions and did the things and ate well and exercised and had all my ducks in a row, but it wasn't until just in the last few years that I've really considered this aspect of health.
Doing something without understanding and thinking about the why really doesn't lead to lasting change, and it truly also doesn't lead to authentic change. We can mandate say, hey, this is really what you need to do. You should really eliminate this from your diet. You should work out this much a day, and you should probably go to bed at 9 o'clock every night.
But if you are inside making those choices and being mindful and thinking about all of those choices, then you might do it for short term, but that's not going to last over the long haul. And simply taking a step back, take an inventory over your life, think about what's working and what isn't, and really nailing down even a purpose, right?
So why do you get up every day? [00:41:24] What is your purpose for that day? There is a huge opportunity in your relationship with God in this department.
Something that I have always tried to keep mindful of is that I can do all these things, but ultimately God is in control, right? He could take my life tomorrow. I have to keep that perspective as well, that as much as I try to do, do, do, He's in control, and it's just my job to be here and to make the best with what He's given me.
Having a coach or a community of like-minded people is also something that's extremely important in this process because we are all human, and we thrive off community.
Something that we really encourage people to do is to make empowered decisions. So when it comes to your nutrition choices or just health goals and choices in general, to just stop and just ask yourself, is this decision going to get me towards my goal or honor my body? And you navigate from there. [00:42:24]
It's just about taking a moment to stop, think. So it's recreating those habits, and then it just becomes part of your daily routine.
Laura Dugger: That's really helpful. You're mentioning community involvement. Why do you believe that community support is so important for someone who is going to embark on this journey of changing their health?
Ryan Parnham: Well, God made us for community, whether that's our church community, our families, work, our friends, or maybe our health community. Doing things on our own is difficult. We only have so much willpower. We only have so much knowledge. Life is just better when you have people to support you, especially like-minded people, people who are going through the same thing as you are.
Everybody's stories are going to be a little bit different, but having that support is huge, and that's what helps keep you accountable. Accountability is huge for change. [00:43:23] When you have a community of people that you can be open with, that you can share your successes with, that you can share your struggles with, that's really what helps set the tone for ongoing change and success. And having people pick you up when you're struggling and praise you when you've succeeded, it's just super powerful and much more effective than trying to go about it on your own.
Laura Dugger: That's so good. Let's talk about that topic of sleep as well. Why do you both believe that rest and sleep is important for sustainable improvement in our health?
Ryan Parnham: Sleep is so important. It helps to optimize our hormones, our bodies repair themselves, our bodies are able to rest. Good sleep helps prevent cognitive disease, heart disease, diabetes, and lack of sleep does the opposite of all that. It mess up our moods. We become irritable. We become angry. Of course, that can have a negative effect on our relationships and our overall outlook on life. [00:44:29]
The exercise and nutrition component are very important. The stress management part is very important. But sleep is kind of what ties all this in together.
When you exercise, for example, when you do a weight training workout, the benefit of that weight training workout does not occur when you're doing the workout. That's the stimulus. The repair and the rebuilding happens while you sleep. So you're actually cutting yourself short if you're not sleeping well, but yet you're trying to exercise. It's going to make the exercise all that much better.
We're all looking for kind of that magic supplement out there, right? The supplement industry is huge. There's some validity to some of them. Some of them that are probably not worth the money. But if we're really looking for that magical supplement that improves our hormones and is like the fountain of youth, it really is good quality sleep. We typically recommend a minimum of seven hours, seven to eight hours, maybe nine hours for some people of uninterrupted sleep is probably ideal. That's in most of the studies, of course. [00:45:30]
So if you're not getting those seven quality hours of sleep, you may want to look at your life and see what things you might be able to change.
Laura Dugger: Have you found with any of your studies and research that getting to bed earlier, even getting the same amount of sleep, that that's more quality?
Ryan Parnham: No, you should try to go to bed about the same time each night. Because you do develop a circadian rhythm. We all have a circadian rhythm that's innate to us, but they do get individualized, too. So if you're used to going to bed at 10:30 and then you switch it to 9:30, there is likely going to be an adjustment period there.
So the key is long-term trying to, you know, within a half an hour window or so, try to go to bed about the same time each night.
Laura Dugger: And one other thing I'm curious about with sleep, you mentioned that it changes our hormones for good or for bad. This is from years ago, but I remember reading, even if you're working out and burning a lot of calories, if you shortchange your sleep, it had something to do with the chemicals in your brain where it doesn't tell you when you're full and you're more likely to overeat. [00:46:34]
Ryan Parnham: Yeah.
Laura Dugger: Have you found that to be true?
Ryan Parnham: Yes. I'm familiar with what you're talking about. I've read up on that. And I would say that probably even applies to me. So leptin is an appetite hormone. Ghrelin is your satiety hormone. So both of those, yes, can be impacted for the negative if you don't sleep well.
So if you're on a weight loss journey, you're trying to do some fasting and tap into your body fat and that sort of thing, but yet you're only sleeping five hours a night, there's probably a good chance that your appetite's going to be ravenous and it's going to be harder to achieve satiety when you do eat compared to if you were sleeping eight hours of solid sleep per night. So that's actually a great question.
Laura Dugger: Well, Molly, you had alluded to this earlier, that ultimately God is in control. And I love how this conversation has gone in the direction of stewardship. You are challenging us to do, I think, what the Bible commands, this co-laboring with Him.
So if someone's hearing this today and they're inspired, but they're only willing to make one change this week, where would you advise them to begin? [00:47:40]
Molly Pflederer: Honestly, I think I would take it back to the sleep that we just talked about. I think that health... there's so many topics. I don't know, maybe Ryan would disagree with me, but I personally think sleep is probably the first and foremost.
When we're rested, we're also more peaceful. I know for me, especially as a mom, when I'm not rested, I'm not well. I'm not well with myself. I don't feel well. I'm more grouchy. I tend to make worse choices just with nutrition, even words that come out of my mouth, all of those things.
So, for me, it would be sleep. And I would advise somebody, if you can start with one thing, try to get seven hours quality sleep. That's in bed and sleeping for seven hours. So maybe you have to be in bed for seven and a half hours. So try to consider that too with your bedtime routine.
Ryan Parnham: Yeah, I 100% agree with Molly in terms of what habits should you do first, and it would be sleep. But I would even back up a little bit and say the first thing that you should do is just the self-reflection part of it, the mindfulness part of it. [00:48:45] Just sit down and really take inventory of what's going on in your life, like what's working health-wise, what's not working, what are your barriers to that, what are your goals? Because really it's going to take that honest moment with yourself before any of the other things can happen.
Laura Dugger: I think that those two answers together give us such a great place to begin. That's actionable.
Molly Pflederer: Sleep and be mindful, yeah.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely, well summed up. Well, in order for you to give us just one more dose of inspiration, do either of you have any success stories of clients that you've worked with?
Ryan Parnham: Yeah. I'll share one. A gentleman who's in his mid-40s who went through our Sustain program in its original form. Last spring it was called something differently then, but I'm still working with him now, staying in contact with him.
And really in 10 months he's continued to not only burn body fat, but his migraines went from like 20 times a month down to 2 a month, which has been absolutely life-changing for him. [00:49:53] He reports he has amazing energy. He's kept his weight off all winter long, when typically he would gain that 10 to 15 pounds over the winter. That's so common with so many people.
He's at a weight he hasn't been at in 5 years and still losing. He's told us that he feels like he's settled into a groove and that he can sustain this lifestyle for life.
It's just so much easier and has just become ingrained in him. He's done a lot of different diet plans and stuff in the past that were just short-term, and he feels it's something he can just do and it's becoming second nature to him.
In addition, he was on the verge of going on blood pressure medication and has blood pressure normalized too. All in all, just amazing. He's not the only one. We've had quite a few people share similar stories.
Molly Pflederer: I think that the common theme seems to be, yes, there's weight loss. Yes, there's maybe getting rid of some medications, feeling better. [00:50:53] But overall, the common theme has been just people feeling like they have a plan, they can follow this and sustain it over the long haul, and they feel confident moving forward.
I think, honestly, that's really kind of what sets this apart. Just to take a moment and say there's so many different things out there to try and fads and ways to follow, and some of them are really good. Some of them prove really great results.
I think it's just really important for people to consider what their goals are, an approach that they can do, that they can follow, that they can sustain, and something that's going to bring fruit in their life, and something that will make them a better person at the end of it all.
I've loved that about our members and their feedback, just the common theme of I feel confident, I feel like I can do this. And just finding that joy, truly finding joy of who they are and what they're here for and meant to be. [00:51:52]
Laura Dugger: It sounds like the results live up to the purpose and even the title of your course, Sustain. In general, with Equip for Health and with the two of you, where can people follow up online, and what tools do you offer that they can take advantage of?
Molly Pflederer: Sure. We are on social media. Equip for Health, on Instagram and Facebook. Also, we have a website, equipforhealth.com, where you can read up a little bit about us, as well as it has our course on there, where you can sign up to be notified when registration opens. Really, you can connect with us through email, reach out to us, private messages. We're easily accessible.
We have our online course that we coach people through. It's a five-week course on an online platform, very easy to follow, self-paced, and then the coaching community that you are a part of during the course for that community involvement.
We do a lot of fun things in there, like challenges. [00:52:53] We coach two live sessions per month with them during the duration of their five weeks. We're very hands-on. We're very active and involved. Afterwards, there are opportunities to work with us.
And they can continue down that path. Five weeks is short, really, when you're talking about making sustainable, lifelong changes. We know that. Our members know that. The course is really just to give them an on-ramp or a basis of where to start.
Ryan Parnham: We have people from all backgrounds that join in all different ages. This is geared for the average person, really, that just wants to get healthier. Maybe they know a lot about this sort of thing, or maybe they don't, or maybe it's somewhere in between. But it's really geared for anybody.
We have people as young as age, I don't know, 30 to as old as 70s and everybody in between. [00:53:54] That's who we want to join. We want just average people that are just looking to be healthy and have a common goal in sight. The community support part of it is huge. It's fun. We enjoy it.
Molly Pflederer: We offer the exercise and fitness instruction. It's revolved a lot around nutritional guidance and recipe suggestions and how to build their plate successfully and healthy. Just to really have that balanced approach.
Ryan Parnham: Each week has a slightly different focus, whether one week is nutrition, one week is sleep, stress management. Also within that, we teach how to start incorporating the intermittent fasting as well in a very balanced and healthy way.
Laura Dugger: This is great. It feels very approachable. The two of you are very warm and great coaches. I just appreciate everything that you've shared already today.
We will link to all of this in our show notes and also on our resources tab, so regardless of when you find this episode and when you're listening, it will be easy to find Ryan and Molly. [00:55:02]
I just have this one final question for the two of you today. We're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. We would love to learn from both of you your most savvy tips.
Molly, start with you, what is your savvy sauce?
Molly Pflederer: Taking it back a little bit to the mindset and being intentional and having a plan, this is something I try to do every evening. I just look at my day for the next day.
I just use the Notes feature or app on my phone and I write down the top three to five things that have to be accomplished by the end of the next day. I will make a separate list of things that I would like to get done. It would be nice to have done but don't have to be done.
The next morning maybe you have your quiet time or whatever your morning looks like. You can glance at that and say, I know I've got to get these few things done above all else. It just takes the overwhelming factor off. I try to have a little bit of flex in there so that I don't get too caught up in that. [00:56:03] Definitely that little simple task has made all the difference in my days.
Laura Dugger: Great. Thank you for sharing. Ryan, what about you? What is your savvy sauce?
Ryan Parnham: I would sum mine up with just be intentional in every aspect of life. That can cover a multitude of things. When you wake up in the morning, have a purpose, have intention.
Take a few minutes in the morning to have some reflection or prayer or gratitude. Think about your day. Kind of like what Molly was saying, have a plan to it. Have a purpose to it. I think that's the foundation to ongoing success is being intentional about what you're doing.
Laura Dugger: I would say amen to both of those. I know that I'm certainly leaving this chat feeling motivated and know what my next steps can be. I hope that listeners feel that same way. You too, live out what you believe in and what you've talked about today. Thank you for your time. Thank you for being my guest.
Ryan Parnham: Thanks for having us on.
Laura Dugger: Thanks for having us. [00:57:06]
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. [00:58:06] This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. [00:59:08] We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." [01:00:09] The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 27, 2020
Monday Apr 27, 2020
*DISCLAIMER* This episode is intended for adults
101. Turn Ons, Turn Offs, and Savoring Sex in Marriage with Dr. Jennifer Konzen
**Transcription Below**
Song of Solomon 4:7 (AMP) “O my love, you are altogether beautiful and fair. There is no flaw nor blemish in you!"
Dr. Jennifer Konzen is a certified sex therapist, award winning researcher, and international speaker who lives in San Diego, California. She and her husband Time have four kids. She has been a parent educator, a marriage, parenting, and sexuality seminar and conference speaker, and yes, a Broadway showtimes performer (her undergraduate degree is in Musical Theater and Vocal Performance).
Art of Intimate Marriage by Tim Konzen and Dr. Jennifer Konzen
Redeemed Sexuality by Tim Konzen and Dr. Jennifer Konzen
Intimate Marriage Cards by Tim Konzen and Dr. Jennifer Konzen
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
Samaritan Ministries is a Biblical way to help your family and care for your brothers and sisters in Christ. Every month, Samaritan members help one another with their medical needs by praying for and providing financial support. You can learn more at SamaritanMinistries.org.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen returns today as our three-peat guest. We are talking about sexual intimacy in the context of marriage, and we are planning to cover three themes: Turnoffs, turn-ons, and ways to enjoy sex more than we currently do.
Here's our chat.
Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Konzen.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: It's great to be here. [00:01:18]
Laura Dugger: Well, you are a friend of The Savvy Sauce since the beginning. We're going to put a link in the show notes so everyone can easily click on our previous chats together. But for today, let's begin here. How did you decide to work in this field?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Well, specifically in the field of sexuality, I was in the middle of getting my doctorate in psychology, and I took a required class on couples counseling. Most of the class was focused on intimacy, and I had to do an assignment. I had to interview a couple, and then I had to write and create an intervention for the couple.
So the couple I interviewed had a hard time talking about sex openly. They had a good sexual relationship and a good marriage, just a hard time talking about it for various reasons. So I created this intervention, and I presented it in class, and my professor said, "That's your dissertation." [00:02:20]
It became my dissertation, and it became what I studied for the next five years. Then I specialized in a certification for sex therapy. So it just rose out of a need to help people talk more openly around sexuality. So yeah, out of a class assignment. Go figure.
Laura Dugger: Go figure. You are such an overachiever and a very naturally gifted communicator, so I can see where that opened up doors on your path.
I know that you've had years of experience. So what have couples consistently told you is a turnoff, both for men and women?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Well, the number one is conflict. The number one turnoff is when there's either been conflict ongoing in their relationship, and so therefore they're not wanting sexuality in any form or some forms, or the conflict just happened and it's unresolved. [00:03:26] So it doesn't sound like a typical turnoff in the sense of like, Ooh, your breath smells bad. And let me tell you, those come up too. You know, please shower, all of that. But the number one is the verbal, especially conflict.
Now, it's interesting because I was sharing this with somebody, and they said that for them, talking about serious issues was a turnoff. And I said, "What do you mean?" And she said, "Well, when it becomes an argument." And I was like, "Yeah, that's exactly it."
It's not the talking about the serious issue that's the problem. Like, let's say that happens, you know, 30 minutes before someone's going to have sex. It's the fact that that serious issue turns into some kind of conflict between them.
Laura Dugger: Wow. And that's for men as well.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Oh, by far. It's the number one thing that men should bring up and the number one thing that women bring up. I would say the men might word it differently. When she speaks in certain tones. In fact, the feeling of being demeaned in any way for men is on the larger scale. [00:04:29] And so that will come up in the argument when she uses certain phrases. Then anger for women. So they phrase it differently, but it's the same issue.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that is interesting. I'm sure if women are critical or contemptuous, that would feel disrespectful and be a turnoff for a man. And then you mentioned anger. Are there any other topics that are considered turnoffs commonly?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: You know, it's really interesting as people do bring up things like body odor and breath and, you know, things that have to do with the five senses. You know, smell, touch, sight. So people will bring up concerns that their spouse has turned off by looking at their body. That comes up a lot.
But as far as this turns me off, I would say 90% of the time what they're talking about is conflict. [00:05:32] So not the senses. They do talk about the senses in terms of what turns them on, but not as far as turnoffs. Not as often anyway.
Laura Dugger: Okay. I want to go a little bit further with that just to clarify. So you're saying the husband or wife may be concerned about their own body image. Is that what you're saying? They're concerned about that with their spouse, but that's actually not what their spouse is saying is a turnoff.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Correct. Now, they might individually in my office say, "I'm not attracted to my spouse and I think it affects my desire levels for sex." That happens. But honestly, that's pretty rare. It's usually the partner who feels like their partner thinks their body is unattractive that then affects their level of desire, interest, turn on for sex. So it's more the "I think you're thinking this." [00:06:31]
Laura Dugger: That is profound. Let's stay on body image for just a moment. Most people are probably aware that body image affects sexual intimacy, but we often don't hear any details beyond that fact. So will you unpack this a little bit more and share specific body image struggles for both genders?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Body image is a pretty big piece. Well, when we wrote our book, we dedicated a whole chapter to it for that reason, because self-consciousness in the midst of sexuality, self-consciousness about the body is known through research to cause all kinds of different challenges. It'll cause a challenge with sexual functioning itself.
So that can be with erectile functioning as well as the ability to reach orgasm and experience arousal. And that self-consciousness becomes a withdrawal. So it affects the quality of the time together.
And you would think it would just be a female thing. [00:07:33] It's not at all. The very, very first couple I did sex therapy with his was he had a lot of hair on his back and he would feel really self-conscious whenever she would touch his back. And hers was that she had extra weight on her body. So whenever he would touch her stomach, she would withdraw. And they had never talked about it ever.
And just breaking that barrier of not being able to talk about it was really quite a shift for them. So, yeah, it comes up for men and women across the board.
Laura Dugger: Would you say it affects around 100% of people or is that too strong?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: With the couples that I've seen, I've literally had probably two that just it wasn't an issue. And you would think these were the slim in shape couples. Yes. In one... no, probably three couples. Two of the couples, young, slim in shape, didn't even cross their minds. [00:08:31] But one of the couples was they were both obese, actually, and they both really enjoyed each other's bodies and never worried about it.
So I've worked with people who are what you would consider, you know, on the front of a magazine, gorgeous, beautiful, both men and women. And the concern about body image isn't just for those who the world even might consider less attractive.
In fact, those who would be considered on the high end of attractiveness have very strong concern about negative views of their own body. So it's pretty much across the board, across gender, and across even cultural barriers.
Laura Dugger: Why do you think that is, that someone who may appear perfect in appearance to others, why are they the ones that often struggle with this shaming or critical self-talk?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Well, it can come from super early on. I mean, it really almost isn't connected to what they look like as the person talking to me. Like, you know, here they are in their mid-20s, mid-30s and on that beautiful end of the scale, you know. [00:09:39]
But the message is they've been getting their entire life either to themselves or from media or from their family are pretty strong. They've had, Oh, you know, make sure not to eat that messages since they were young. You know, they've watched their parents.
Often what you'll have is women with their children, the moms are making comments about their own dieting and how they need to lose weight. So this child is hearing comments about other people's bodies. And so they're applying that to themselves at 8, 9, 10 years old. And then they're still applying at 20, 30 years old.
So you've got family messages that are negative about their body or family messages that are negative about their own bodies or about someone else's body. It's very common for people to tell me about comments that their siblings or parents made about another sibling's body or somebody else's body as they were walking past them out in public. [00:10:36]
So you've got family messages about the body, which is huge. And that even with somebody that maybe doesn't have any typical problems with weight, they're concerned about it because they've heard those messages for so long.
Then you've definitely got the huge piece on media that can't even be measured how big that is. And then honestly, that message gets stamped in religious communities big time on this is more spiritual. And so, yeah, the negative view of the body is across the board.
Laura Dugger: What you just said there at the end, what do you mean it gets stamped in religious communities?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: So you'll notice you'll get women sitting around a table at a church lunch and pay attention to what they're talking about. Across the board, you'll get lots of comments on what you call fat talk, which is that they're talking about their diets and that there's no calories in this food because you're not eating it with a fork. [00:11:32]
So women will sit around even at a social function, including church functions, and they're having this conversation about their diets and what they're eating and how many calories are in things. This is happening everywhere.
And then you've got zillions of websites that will connect thinness with spirituality. So that message gets stamped in workshops and lessons from the podium, during a sermon, on a website, in a book, that spirituality is connected to what your body looks like.
Laura Dugger: Wow. So there are definitely some deep roots in these issues. And then I'm curious, how does that negative body image then affect our sexual desire and our sexual pleasure?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: The self-consciousness that happens makes it especially difficult. I would say it comes up the most with women. [00:12:32] It definitely comes up with men.
But let me just explain it with women. So when women will have that message, they feel uncomfortable being naked in front of their husbands. They don't want to dress in front of their husbands. They don't get out of the shower without covering up because they're worried about what their husband might be thinking.
The husband might be like, I love looking at her body. I love seeing her naked, but she's not feeling that for various reasons. So it'll affect way before they even get into the bed. Then definitely, nakedness in and of itself is what's often happening with sexuality. Some people do have sex when they're still slightly covered.
So there they are, naked in that bed and all of that self-consciousness is there, and so the ability to relax and really enjoy the orgasmic and arousal response is difficult. So it cuts it off at both ends. It cuts arousal and turn-ons before things even start. And then it affects it while things are going.
Laura Dugger: So a very negative impact that it has. [00:13:32] Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: I remember this from graduate school. We were always taught that the brain is the most important sexual organ. So how can we understand and apply this truth in order to override these negative body image issues and negative self-talk?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: You know, cognitive behavioral therapy would approach it... so this is one of the main approaches that has been studied and researched. [00:15:37] They would approach it with a bit more of a clamp down on it, get rid of it, get it out of your mind.
I would say actually I use acceptance commitment therapy, which is ACT, A-C-T. ACT. And I would say when those sentences come into your mind, when those feelings enter your body, they're kind of common. They're normal. And to be able to say... and so this is the brain part of things. To be able to notice the thoughts, notice the feeling, notice the sensation in your body, and to be able to say to yourself, well, I understand why this thought's here. You know, I can be insecure about my body, so it's understandable that this thought is here in my brain.
And then that acceptance piece of "it's understandable this thought is here" instead of "get away from it, get away from it, ignore it," which doesn't work anyway, is a huge piece of shifting the thinking. [00:16:35] So accepting the thought.
And then how do we replace that thought with a thought that might be based on our values? I love the approach in ACT, acceptance commitment therapy, with what they do is they work a lot on values, which matches a lot with those with religious beliefs.
What are my values? Let's say I'm engaging with my spouse, and my values about my time with my spouse are to be loving and giving and to have fun. So now I'm going to say, "Hello, thought. I know that you're here. I understand why you're here. However, right now, I am going to..." And then you go into your valued choice of I'm going to go ahead and give to my partner and be real and genuine with my partner and let myself enjoy the sensations that I'm experiencing in this time.
So that would be, wow, in the quickest nutshell, I've probably ever done an explanation of the process I do with those kinds of thoughts. [00:17:35]
Laura Dugger: That's incredible. I want to hear more about these values. Could you give an example of what that might look like in a real-life couple?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: I actually do bodywork from early on so that it's value-oriented. With individuals. I will encourage them to really look at the scriptures, Psalm 139, that God made us while we were still knit in our mother's womb and then throughout the scriptures. But my favorite is you are fearfully and wonderfully made.
So there's often a relearning of the view of the body that has to occur for the individual. I have some exercises I send people home with to really relearn God's view of their body.
I always joke, you know, like the Bible says that you're fearfully and wonderfully made. The word "fearful" actually means.. it's the same word we use in the scriptures about that we are to approach God with fear and trembling with awe. Like, wow. That that's the word that's used about how your body is made. [00:18:34]
And when's the last time you were naked standing in front of a mirror and you said, Wow, my body is awesome. But God did such a good job. So, you know, we don't do that.
So it starts with the individual view of the body. Then I have couples do exercises where they talk about that really openly as they face each other fully clothed. Then they do that exact same exercise talking about their bodies as they face a mirror standing next to each other. And then as they do it partially clothed to naked and then naked in bed.
So I have a process I take them through to sort of desensitize these negative views of the body, to just kind of normalize those negative views and to still be fun and giving and real with each other. That these are things that people think. How do we still be giving in the midst of those thoughts so that those thoughts don't control what we do?
Laura Dugger: And I don't want to go on too much of a tangent, but I'm loving this explanation of ACT. [00:19:36] Could you say what it means again?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Yeah. Acceptance Commitment Therapy. You can actually go on Amazon and there's several popular books. It's one of the approaches to therapy that's super generous.
You can do what you call a values clarification tool. It's really lovely. You can Google it and go do it and talk with someone about it so that you can make valued choices instead of automatic reaction choices.
Laura Dugger: That seems like it would apply even in other areas where I've heard-
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Oh, yes.
Laura Dugger: I mean, for example, somebody who had experienced trauma and they were hypervigilant a lot. So they would say, "Hello, hypervigilance. I can feel you." But plain old vigilance will do the job any day.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Yeah. Any day. Yeah, all emotional states. I actually just had a client that they're missionaries south of the border here. So they're in Mexico. [00:20:35] We did therapy for several years online, actually. And she sent me this beautiful, lovely set of sketched drawings that exhibit this expression. It's about grief and how I talk to grief, I let it talk to me. I mother it. I let it speak. I don't tell it shh, or be quiet. And then we stand up and we go do the dishes.
And she said, "This reminded me of how we did therapy." And I was like, "Yep." You know, and then we stand up and we go do the dishes. We don't try to get rid of it. We say it's understandable that you're here and now I have some things I need to do.
Laura Dugger: Well, my hypothesis is that that type of therapy actually is much more effective than, like you said, stop it. Shut it down. Ignore it.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Well, I always ask people, "Did it work the last time, and the many times that you've tried to stop it, shut it down? Did it work?" And it's like, "No." [00:21:36]
Laura Dugger: Well, changing the subject now, what are some common turn ons for both genders?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: You know, definitely women will always share romance and dates and non-sexual affection. We tend to think of those things as just women. I think women are just more vocal about it.
But good emotional connection for both genders and ongoing playful touch. When sex becomes a problem, couples stop touching. They stop having playful affection because the partner who's not wanting to have sex or who's feeling reactive around sexuality starts to interpret every touch as he or she is wanting sex. And so they pull back.
One of the biggest things that are a turn-on and that people usually miss from their relationship is playful affection throughout the day. So that's a big one for both. [00:22:36]
And definitely men will say this more often, but women say it as well, that when a partner plans and initiates special stuff sexually, that that's a turn-on. And then not just affectionate touches, but then playful, sensual touches.
So this would be kind of messing around. You're in public and nobody can see what you're doing, but you playfully touch your spouse sensually and make a funny remark in their ear. So I would say the word playfulness is huge. That playfulness around touch and comments and glances at the eyes are definitely turn ons for both men and women.
Laura Dugger: For these couples that come to see you, is there any specific homework you assign to them to enhance their pleasure and intimacy?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Actually, I send them home with a box of cards called the Ungame. I start off with the all ages version and then I go to the couples version. [00:23:34] And then I created cards called the Intimate Marriage cards as well.
So I send them home literally every week to spend five minutes a day talking openly and honestly about, first of all, their overall intimacy and then their sensual intimacy and then their sexual intimacy.
The talking openly and honestly about sex is one of the biggest things that helps people enhance their pleasure and their intimacy. I tell people, go find a good book on sex. I love Douglas Rosenau's Celebration of Sex. We have our book, The Art of Intimate Marriage. Go buy that book, read a chapter, talk about it, read a chapter, talk about it, read a chapter, talk about it. There's something about learning how to talk openly that enhances the whole process.
Laura Dugger: In general, how many couples would you say come into your office that already talk about sex?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: One in a thousand, maybe one in a hundred. I mean, I will occasionally at a workshop have a couple come up and say, "Oh my goodness, this was great. [00:24:37] We talk really openly around sexuality." But those couples don't walk in my office.
Because we know this from research and I know this from my clinical practices. If people are openly and honestly talking about sexuality, they're often not having the problems around sexuality. Like I said, there are some. We do openly and honestly talk, but we're stuck, and so they come to see me.
Laura Dugger: If a couple is already talking about sex with each other, how do you frequently see them getting stuck?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: I would say probably one of the biggest things is although they might be talking openly, they're not actually hearing one another. So the ability to have compassion and empathy and genuinely listen is problematic. But then also sometimes they'll hear the information. They'll genuinely hear the information their spouse might be sharing with them, but they don't know what to do with it.
I'm a pretty active kind of therapist. I'm like, Okay, well, let's try this. [00:25:36] You know, sending home with... I had one husband say to me, "This was so helpful. You gave us the language to be able to say these things. Can you also give us direction on now what to do with this information?" So sometimes people get the information but aren't sure how to put it into practice for various reasons.
Laura Dugger: And I think that would be really helpful then. Could you think of a hypothetical scenario and walk through what you would instruct that couple?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Well, this wouldn't be hypothetical. It's a real one. They hadn't engaged sexually for 10 years. They had a lot of challenges in their marriage. By the time we got to really directly working on their sexual relationship, they were in a much, much better place.
So they were talking every day because they had my cards. So they were talking every single day openly about sexuality. And she felt like she was super direct. "Let's go spend some time together." In his mind, that meant go cuddle. In her mind, she was like, I'm thinking we're going to have intercourse. [00:26:40]
So in my office, they had to clarify when I use this language, this is actually what I mean. And he had to say to her, I need you to directly tell me that this is what you mean.
Sometimes people have to be open and real and not defensive about the way that they communicate that it might not be clear for the other partner. But then also sometimes, and in this case, this was the truth for this couple and with many others, that he wanted to be more thoughtful and send little playful sexual comments but he didn't think that way. So he set a reminder on his phone to go off once a day and he would send her a little joke by text.
So sometimes people need promptings. Sometimes they need to learn how to communicate more clearly and then they need to be more specific. So I'd say a number of different things.
Laura Dugger: That is so helpful. And I can see where a third party would be so beneficial there to help get someone unstuck. Let's move on to the final section of this chat, beginning with your opinion on how we can savor sex more than we currently do. [00:27:45]
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: That's a very good question. I'm going to sound like I'm repeating myself. Sexual assertiveness. Helping people be very direct instead of indirect in how they say what they need and what they want. So I would say assertiveness. Is this more of an issue for women? It is.
Women in general they are uncomfortable saying what they like and what brings them pleasure because our culture says that it's negative for women to do that. We don't prioritize female pleasure. I would say that's a huge piece.
Women will say, You know what, I just make it about him. And let me tell you, that hugely affects the level of pleasure that the couple and the partner, the husband and the wife, feel in their sexual relationship.
If you look at it in Song of Solomon, it's not like that at all. They're very, very, very mutual in the way that they interact. So I think that's God's plan that sex be mutually enjoyable. [00:28:48]
So for women, that often means that they need to learn to prioritize their own pleasure and to be assertive with what brings them pleasure. And that might mean when he says, "Hey, do you want to have sex?" it might mean saying, "I am just shot today. Could you give me a back rub tonight? And then we go to sleep. And then how about on Saturday we have some great time?"
This assertiveness could mean a not tonight message that does still prioritize I have a bodily need. And then let's make sure to have some really great time at this time. I teach... I joke... I'm a sex therapist, but I teach people to reject one another. No, to refuse in a way that doesn't feel shaming or like a rejection.
Laura Dugger: That makes it more meaningful when your yes is yes and your no is no.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Yeah. You're prioritizing your needs. Not making them above his needs, but you're being assertive with your needs as a female. That's vital. [00:29:51]
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What are all the benefits of mutually agreeing to engage sexually with our spouse on a consistent basis and, dare I say, with enthusiasm? [00:30:51]
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Right? What an idea! Well, I do think in order to get that enthusiasm and in order to get that mutual peace, sometimes what we have to do on a spiritual level is relearn some of the messages we've gotten.
I do a whole section when I'm doing a workshop on relearning 1 Corinthians 7. This whole idea of mutuality that's taught in 1 Corinthians 7 isn't like how it often gets taught, which is it says you're supposed to give to me, so, you know, you're not giving to me, so you better give. And it becomes a demand when actually what 1 Corinthians 7 is talking about is this. I have been given my spouse's body. I am a steward of their body. It's their body, but they are giving authority over it to me. And so I am called by God to steward their body and to bring it pleasure. [00:31:51]
That actually is what 1 Corinthians 7 is teaching, this mutuality of giving, not of, hey, it's your duty, you better do it. The word duty actually in 1 Corinthians 7 is the same idea that's throughout the scriptures that we are so deeply grateful for what Jesus did, therefore we.
That's what the word is in 1 Corinthians 7, not like we think of it's my duty. That the mutual giving to one another, the mutual I want to bring pleasure to, I want to steward my partner's body well, that's aiming for the genuine benefits that God intended for sexuality.
Laura Dugger: You have such a gift of bringing scripture to life. For married couples who have an exciting and fulfilling love life, what have you found to be a few of their secrets?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: Definitely even what you just asked about the mutual giving piece. [00:32:52] And then really making sure that things are fun and playful. That's such a big one. Having what I would call sexual play, doing enjoyable, creative new things.
But there is also the reality of, for these couples, they are having sex regularly. "Regular" can be a wide range. They are engaging, so they're respectful, they're fun, they've resolved their conflict well. That's a huge one. I can't emphasize that enough. They've resolved their conflict well. And then they're playful and creative and regular.
Laura Dugger: So it sounds like communication is just a huge thread throughout all of this. Is there anything else on this topic that we've failed to cover yet today?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: I would say the one thing I would emphasize as far as all this about desire is two pieces. One, take the time to relearn your view, your spiritual view of sexuality. Most people haven't done that. They don't even know what the scriptures teach about sex other than don't do it until you're married and things like that. [00:33:56] So relearn your view of sexuality. That's one of the big ones.
Then really making sure to incorporate sensual touch. A lot of times sex goes, we hold hands as we go on our date and then we get in bed and have sex and touch genitals. There's no sensual touch in there. Getting back to good, healthy, sensual touch. In fact, engaging in sensual touch with no sex after. Touching each other, doing all that foreplay stuff, and go to sleep. No intercourse, no orgasm. So returning to good, sensual, playful touch is just vital.
Laura Dugger: As you mentioned this topic of playfulness and fun, could you give a few more examples?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: I literally do this as a part of assessing couples. How much do they walk through the house and lightly brush the hand against their partner's buttocks? How much are they leaning across while they're driving in the car and caress their partner? [00:34:55]
Even sexually, essentially. How much are they caressing the thigh as they're sitting next to one another? So not groping and grabbing in the sense of... because women will often say, you know, all he does is grab my boobs or my crotch. Is that what people want? No, not necessarily.
This is a respectful, playful, loving, fun type of sensual touch that is vital to the process of healthy sexuality. The reality is it often takes couples quite a while to get back to that when sex has become problematic.
Laura Dugger: I think you've given everybody a starting place. I appreciate that. Now where can listeners go to learn more about you and your work?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: I have a website. It's all one phrase. The Art of Intimate Marriage. It's the name of my book, The Art of Intimate Marriage. So it's TheArtofIntimateMarriage.com.
Then there are podcasts on there. So a lot of different variety of different topics. [00:35:57] A lot of it reflective of the chapters of the book.
And then the books are available on Amazon. So there's The Art of Intimate Marriage. There's also Redeemed Sexuality.
There's the Intimate Marriage cards that are available on the website.
And then we have a new book coming out. I have a new book coming out called The Ransomed Journey, which is a book on couples' recovery from addiction. So specific to sexuality, there's of course a whole chunk on the recovery from sexual addiction. So yeah, any of those listening or reading or playing games tools, those would be good ones.
Laura Dugger: I love that because you've got it for so many different types of learners. If you're visual or through reading, auditory, you've got the podcasts, the interactive cards. Thank you for sharing all that. We'll link to all of that.
Dr. Konzen, my final question for you today. We are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. [00:36:59] So I'd love to know from you, what is your savvy sauce?
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: The thing I end almost every workshop with, and I don't mean this in a cliché way, is we have to be deeply embedded in not just reading our scriptures and going to church, but in who God is, not just reading our Bible, but what's His character, what's His heart. And that when we have that with Him, it helps us all individually. So I would say this slides over into the part two of what I think is practical, is that we have to be genuine and real and direct. We have to do that in our marriages.
But we also need to have, in a very practical way, other couples in our lives. I can't tell you the number of times I'm working with people that the only person they're talking to openly is me, or maybe their sister or their brother, you know.
Couples do need to be in relationship, in community with others, where they have people that are willing to be honest and open with them, and that they can be honest and open with, and that people will tell them the truth. [00:38:08] That's the whole speak the truth and love out of Ephesians. So the whole realness with God, the whole realness with one another, I would say is the biggest practical that I think is important.
Laura Dugger: I love it. Dr. Konzen, your intentional work continues to benefit people's lives every day. And I hope that you get to leave this time feeling as encouraged as I do. You're so wonderful to interview, and I just always love spending time with you. So thanks for being my guest.
Dr. Jennifer Konzen: It's been lovely. I'm so glad to do it.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. [00:39:08] So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? [00:40:08] Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. [00:41:11] I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 20, 2020
Monday Apr 20, 2020
100. The Story of Six Sisters’ Stuff with Lauren Walker
**Transcription Below**
Proverbs 16:9 (NIV) “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps.”
Lauren Walker is the second youngest sister in the family that runs the blog Six Sisters' Stuff. She grew up in Utah and graduated from Utah State University where she studied Family Science, and went on to run the public relations and create content online with her sisters and their company. She married her best friend and moved out to Sacramento to start a new adventure with her husband and dog before welcoming their first baby last year. She loves working with her sisters, but her favorite thing to do at the end of the day is curl up on the couch with her husband and sweet baby boy, drink a diet coke, and binge watch Boy Meets World!
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Six Sisters’ Menu Planning Website (Use Code SISTERS20 to get 20% Off)
Connect on You Tube, Instagram, and Facebook: @sixsistersstuff
Cookbooks by Six Sisters’ Stuff:
Six Ingredients With Six Sisters’ Stuff
Copycat Cooking With Six Sisters’ Stuff
Dinner Made Easy With Six Sisters’ Stuff
A Year With Six Sisters’ Stuff
Healthy Eats With Six Sisters’ Stuff
Six Sisters' Stuff 30 Minute Recipes
Six Sisters' Stuff Simple One-Pan Dishes
Six Sisters' Stuff: Family Recipes, Fun Crafts, and So Much More
12 Days of Christmas With Six Sisters’ Stuff
Sweets & Treats With Six Sisters’ Stuff
Celebrate Every Season With Six Sisters’ Stuff
Book Mentioned: Letters to a Young Therapist by Mary Pipher
Recommended Recipes and Links from Six Sisters Stuff:
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Equip for Health is a health and wellness company that works with anyone who wants to achieve great health through simple, sustainable daily changes.
They are passionate about improving health from the inside out and having a health journey that is both result-driven and enjoyable at the same time. Check them out today at EquipForHealth.com, and make sure you use the code SAVVY at checkout to save 10% on their online course.
Lauren Walker is my guest today, and she is one of the six sisters who started the blog, Six Sisters' Stuff, almost 10 years ago.
She's going to share how this cost-effective way to stay in touch with her family turned into a thriving business that now employs all of the sisters. You will also hear about a specific recipe you should try this week because it's so easy. [00:01:18]
Lauren and I grew up in different states with differing backgrounds and faith, and I learned so much from her down-to-earth approach and kindness during our time together.
Here's our chat.
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Lauren.
Lauren Walker: Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
Laura Dugger: I'd love to just start off by learning a little bit more about you.
Lauren Walker: Okay. I am number five of all of the six sisters, which is a blog that I have with all my sisters and my mom. I have been married to my sweetheart for two years, and we live out in Sacramento, California.
We have one baby boy. He's 10 months old, and I am just living out here, just working. My husband's job brought us out here, so we're living away from our family, but we're loving it.
Right now, I'm just working. I work on the blog with my sisters, and I'm just trying to juggle being a new mom.
Laura Dugger: Just to gain a bit more context, what was it like growing up as one of six sisters? [00:02:24]
Lauren Walker: Probably just as you're imagining it. It was a lot of fun. There's 12 years between the oldest and the youngest sister, so we're all pretty close in age. At least now it feels like that. Growing up, it was a little bit different having sisters that were way older. It seemed so old being a senior in high school when I was eight years old and my younger sister was only six.
Now that we're all in the same stage of life, it's a lot nicer. We feel a lot closer But growing up, it was just as you think it would be in a house of girls. We fought over the regular clothes and bathroom time and all of those things, but we all pretty much got along for the most part. It was a lot of fun.
Our dad didn't have any sons, so he put us all in sports and tried to push us to be athletic and to be a little bit competitive. It was just a fun childhood.
Our parents were just amazing and they did their best to keep us as a close family, which I think helped us a lot more than they would realize when we ended up all working together. [00:03:28] Now that we're all married and have kids, it's so fun to relate to each other and have people to reach out to for mom advice, making sure we're doing the right thing.
I think I call my sisters like six times a day of like, Is it normal that my baby's only eating bananas or things like that? It's kind of fun to have just these built-in best friends and these best girlfriends to always talk to.
Laura Dugger: I love hearing that and how close you are as adults. That's incredible. Looking back, how do you think your parents were intentional, both in their marriage, because they were raising six kids, and then also in their parenting?
Lauren Walker: As far as their marriage, they were always so, so good at doing date night. I never realized how difficult that was probably for them getting everything arranged for six girls to be babysat or to be left home alone. [00:04:26]
Every Friday, they were going out on their date and leave us with a treat and a babysitter. Once my oldest sister was old enough, they would leave us home with her. They were always so good at just making sure they had that alone time.
Then as far as our family and the parenting, they were just always so good at talking to us. There was always an open communication. We could talk to them about anything. Every day, we'd come home from school, and our mom would just be in the kitchen waiting for us.
There were six seats around my parents' kitchen counter. We'd all just kind of sit on the counter, and our mom would start on dinner, or we would eat cookies and just talk to her. We were able to get to know each other and get to know our mom and be really open about things that were going on.
I think that's where we grew the closest was just those conversations around the counter, which is so funny. Our parents just barely moved out of the house we grew up in. We went to their new house a couple of months ago, and we were like, "Where are we supposed to sit? [00:05:27] Where are we supposed to go? There's no counter."
It was funny because even as adults, we would always go back and just sit around the counter and talk to our mom and just let our husbands and kids go do their own thing. That's kind of where we'd always end up. We grew up in the kitchen. We grew up watching our mom cook, and that's how we became so close.
I'm not sure if it was really intentional, but they did a great job getting us to talk and open up. Now as a parent, I'm just like, "How did they do that?" Especially the date night, I'm like, "How did you get out every weekend?" They did a great job. They're the best.
Laura Dugger: That is so fascinating to hear how that sweet time around the table was so impactful for each of you. Now it's turned into a business that employs each of you. I just think God is always up to something around the table.
It reminds me of this book I read in grad school. It was written by Mary Piper. I think it was called Letters to a Young Therapist. [00:06:29] She talks about the three things that most likely you will remember from your childhood. Your memories often are centered around playing outside, family vacations, and dinner around the table. Thanks for sharing that that was such a value of yours. It's neat to see what it turned into.
Now we can jump to a later part of your story. Where did the idea for a blog originate?
Lauren Walker: Yes, for sure. It was 2011. So back before the times of unlimited text messages and unlimited minutes and all of the luxuries that we live with today.
For the first time, all of us were kind of moving apart from each other. Sisters were getting married and having kids and following their husbands to medical school or jobs and things like that and others were going off to college.
My little sister and I were still at home. We were a senior and a sophomore in high school. [00:07:29] We were just all of a sudden within a year completely separated, which was so crazy and hard for us.
At the beginning, we tried keeping in contact with texting and things. You can imagine those bills piling up very, very quickly. One of my sisters had the idea to start a blog. She had seen some floating around the internet. We knew that anyone could ride on it if you were a part of it. We decided to start one so that we could keep in touch with each other.
That's where we started sharing how much we missed each other and how much we wish we could all be back in Utah. Just kind of like the mushy, gushy stuff. Eventually, my older sisters, who were starting to have kids, started putting on my mom's brownie recipe or my mom's best slow cooker chicken recipe.
They would share those recipes with each other because my mom either had them written down or they were just in my mom's mind. [00:08:28] Because she was amazing and always just knew what she was doing in the kitchen.
Eventually, we started seeing people coming. We had this little thing on the side of our blog that would show us where people were viewing our website from. We saw people coming from New Jersey and New York. I think we saw one all the way over in Australia or something. And we're just this little family from Utah. Of course, we're like, "Oh my gosh, someone in New York. This is crazy." We definitely don't have any family there. We definitely don't have any cousins.
We realized people were searching or Googling mom's slow cooker chicken or super chocolate brownies and things like that and our blog was showing up because at that time, there were not a lot of other food blogs out there or a lot of people sharing recipes online like that.
And so we started posting more recipes. We eventually took off all of the love notes you might say to each other about how hard it is being a new mom and how much we missed each other. [00:09:30]
We took those off and we went to our dad who was this really computer-savvy guy, and we just said, "Is it possible to make money from something like this?" So he researched and did some stuff for us and ended up putting some ads up there so that we could make money off of people coming.
I think we made, in the first month, like 25 cents. Our big dream, our big goal was one day we're going to take our whole family on a cruise. It was going to be this big miracle thing. But we just had no idea back then how much our lives were really about to change. It just kind of snowballed from there.
We jumped on board when Pinterest started. We were one of the first users of Pinterest and grew up. Our Pinterest were pretty big and grew our Facebook and just kept working.
But it's been a lot of fun. It's definitely not anything any of us expected to happen, but it's something that we work really hard at. We love it and we love working together. It's so fun to get to talk, to have an excuse to talk every single day. [00:10:33]
Laura Dugger: That's incredible. I think stories are so powerful. I'd love to know as we fast forward, two questions. First, did you all get to go on your cruise? And second, what is everyone up to now?
Lauren Walker: We were speaking at an event a couple of months ago and telling kind of our origin story and things like this, and none of my sisters said the goal we had of taking someone on a cruise. And we were all standing up there and we looked at each other and we were like, "You guys, we forgot to go on a cruise. Like we totally spaced it. We just never went." So next year, hopefully, is the goal. But now it's so crazy to think of where we started to now.
We employ all of us, all six of us, and we've hired on our mom. She actually works on the blog just as much as the rest of us do. She just doesn't take any credit. Bless her heart. She's just the best. So she posts just as much as we do. [00:11:30]
We have one sister's husband that's working with us. We have a manager and then a few employees just helping us with our social media and kind of those mundane tasks that are a lot harder for us to manage.
So for the most part, it's just us. We create all of the recipes. We film all of the videos. We kind of just do it all. We still are putting up two to three new recipes each week. We do videos every week. We're posting multiple times a day to all of our social media outlets.
We've also started a subscription service. So we write up menu plans, healthy menu plans, gluten-free menu plans, and we send those out to all of our subscribers. It's just a lot of fun.
We meet once a week over Skype, which is just the best. Every Wednesday night, we have like a two-hour Skype call. And about 30 minutes of it is work, and the rest of it is showing the kids real fast in the camera and talking. And it's just a lot of fun. [00:12:31]
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: Lauren, you're talking about where you guys have been and where you're at now, and all of you have families. So for you personally, what does that look like with your balance between work and being a mom? How does that actually play out week to week?
Lauren Walker: Oh my goodness. I wish I could tell you that it was so easy, and I was really good at keeping this scheduled, but it is so, so difficult. [00:14:32] And I'm sure you understand this. There's definitely a lot of mom guilt that goes into it, but I think the easiest thing that I've tried is to have set hours that I am working so that I can focus the rest of my time on a family.
Obviously, with a baby, those set hours are changing day to day because who knows when he's actually going to take a nap. But for the most part, I plan out my weeks based on all of the things that I need to get done and then try and block out a certain amount of time, even if it's just a few hours during a nap or at night when my husband's home and can put the baby down that I'm just focused on work.
I think one of the hardest things to balance being a mom and someone who's working from home or trying to get a business going is knowing when to shut off work and to turn on mom mode or whatever you want to call it. Because oftentimes I'll be sitting in front of the TV and feel like if I'm just sitting here, I should be working. Or if I'm just doing folding the laundry, then I should at least be listening to a podcast about how I can build my business or something like that. [00:15:43]
And so I think knowing when to turn that off and making sure that you still have that time that you are sitting on the ground and playing with your kids or being a wife and making sure you're totally present when you're in those mom and wife moments will make all the difference. Because if you're just constantly working on your project, then I think it's really hard to separate those.
So it's been a doozy trying to figure out and it's still hard. I still have to remind myself, Okay, it's okay that I need to work for this amount of time. It's totally fine. The baby's okay for like 20 minutes in this crib while I do this or, you know, when he's sleeping.
But it's hard. And everyone's different. If you were to interview or talk to any of my other sisters, their answers would be totally different. You just got to find what works for you. But I think separating the work and the mom life is the most important and making sure if those do cross over that... even neither one of them is taking a hit. [00:16:50]
Laura Dugger: Thank you for sharing that. I think you make a great point there, too, that for every sister and then even everyone listening, it may look different. But some of our listeners may have their own side hustle going on and maybe they're parent as well. So are you willing to share how you actually generate income from your blog?
Lauren Walker: Yes, of course. There are a lot of different ways to generate income from a blog. Our main ways of generating income on Six Sisters' Stuff are ads on our website, which you'll see through most blogs while you're just scrolling through.
We also have ads on our YouTube channel. We sell and write cookbooks. We are finishing up our 10th cookbook this spring, which is so crazy. So that'll be launching next fall.
We also have a couple of different eBooks that we sell on our website. We have the subscription program, and then we also do paid partnerships with different companies that we enjoy working with. So grocery stores or certain brands of food, since that's kind of our niche. [00:17:55]
Laura Dugger: Did you sisters have to go out and pursue that or did you have some of these advertisers approach you?
Lauren Walker: Kind of both. We've had advertisers approach us. We have a lot of people approach us that are brands that we are personally not passionate about.
We try and only share things that we would really actually use or things that we're already using in recipes and things that we're already feeding our families. We get a lot of people reaching out.
We are Christians and we don't drink alcohol or do those types of things. And so when those brands reach out to us, obviously those are really easy to turn down. But it's harder when a hair care company wants to talk to us and we're like, "Oh, we love hair products and things, but we are a food blog." And so I think it's cool.
But there have been some that we've reached out to ourselves and that we are all passionate about and we wanted to work with them. And so we reached out to them and got even writing free content for them. We just want them to know, like, "We love your product. We're going to look at these blog posts we wrote about your ingredients in this recipe and kind of helped us get a few paid things that we are interested in. [00:19:07]
Laura Dugger: That's helpful to hear one process. Also, how do you market Six Sisters' stuff?
Lauren Walker: Our biggest marketing comes from all of our social media outlets. There are a lot of things that we found work for us and things that we haven't worked. But something that we know will always work for us is advertising on our own social media because the people that follow us there are interested in what we're sharing on our blog.
And so we share all the content that we put on our blog onto our Pinterest channel, our YouTube channel, our Instagram account, our Facebook account. Honestly, I would say that's where 99% of our marketing comes from is just from social media.
Laura Dugger: Who would you say is your typical reader?
Lauren Walker: Our readers are actually, probably not surprising, 95% women and they're all in the age group of 25 to 45. So honestly, we're just writing to ourselves. [00:20:10] It's just us. Our audience is us, which is exactly what we want. Because I think when we're authentic, then our audience feels comfortable being their authentic selves too.
So when we share that we burned dinner tonight, another mom somewhere can relate to us, realizes that we are real people. And so they are more inclined to follow along and to get more recipes and things from us.
Laura Dugger: Well, and I'm sure that you've gotten so many responses from your readers over the years. But what is the best feedback that you've received from your audience?
Lauren Walker: It just honestly means so much to us when we get messages from people thanking us for inspiring them to sit down with their families. Or maybe it's a new mom who just came across some of our freezer meals and they're saving her postpartum, things like that.
It's so comforting to know that all of the hard work that we're really putting in and the sacrifices that we're making are helping someone else. It just makes it worth all of the sleepless nights. [00:21:14] Yeah, it's awesome.
Laura Dugger: Even for you, you said that 10 months ago, you became a first-time mom, but your sisters had had kids. What was it like to go back to your own blog after becoming a mom yourself?
Lauren Walker: I was surprised at the kind of recipes I was looking up before I had a baby. I was probably a much better way than was making homemade enchiladas and delicious soups and things like that. And now I'm like, Okay, slow cooker dump-and-go recipe or something really easy, like a 15-minute chicken recipe or something that I can do a lot faster.
So it's interesting to kind of go from being not in our demographic to being in our demographic and seeing, Oh, my gosh, these really are perfect for a new mom, or these really are perfect for someone who's trying to get dinner out really quick or someone who's not that good at cooking sometimes. You know, it's just comforting to know that the things I'm putting out there really are of value because I'm using them and they're helping me. [00:22:23]
Laura Dugger: Well, I'm also passionate about freezer meals. And I think since becoming a mom, that has become such a priority because it saves time and money and just allows that hour of cooking dinner when it can be kind of crazy with all the kids. It actually makes it much more enjoyable when I've prepared ahead of time. Any tips for me or for any other listeners for best recommendations with freezer meals?
Lauren Walker: Oh, my goodness. I think the thing that's been the easiest for me is... and we eat a lot of chicken just because it seems to be the easiest. But I will just go to Costco and buy one of those big bags of chicken breasts. I think it comes with like 30 chicken breasts in there. And that is awesome. And then you just need a couple of other ingredients.
We actually have a ton on our website that I can send you links to using that big bag of chicken for all of your meals. [00:23:21] We'll stretch it so much because freezer meals, as easy and as nice as they are, they can add up pretty fast because it's buying a lot of food at one time.
And so that's been a way that we've been able to kind of budget our freezer meals is to get one kind of meat in bulk and make a bunch of those. Or if you want to do ground beef ones, browning a ton of ground beef to put into your freezer meals at first so that you're not in the kitchen forever. We have a few different resources on our blog. But the goal for us is to make eight freezer meals in one hour. We totally believe it's possible. You can stack them up in your freezer and be done with dinner for a couple of weeks.
Laura Dugger: I love this idea and this topic. So let's just do a segment of favorites or most popular ideas. So overall, what would you say have been a few of your most popular menu items?
Lauren Walker: The most popular recipe on our website for the past probably four or five years has been our slow cooker Ritz chicken. [00:24:24] I can attest that it is honestly one of the most delicious chicken recipes. My husband begs for it every Sunday.
And it's as easy as sour cream and a can of cream of chicken to mix together. Pour it over some chicken and then you top it with Ritz crackers. And it's so good. It's been the most popular for years. Always our number one viewed recipe.
Laura Dugger: That sounds delicious. Is it if we do post this in our show notes and our resources tab?
Lauren Walker: Yes, of course.
Laura Dugger: Any others that you would recommend? If somebody hasn't been to your blog before and they want to go today and check it out? Any other recipes that you would direct them toward?
Lauren Walker: Over the last year or two, we've really built up our collection of instant pot recipes. We all got instant pots last year and we're all a little bit skeptical. But we had one sister who was really passionate about them and she showed us how amazing they really could be. [00:25:26]
So we have turned a lot of our slow cooker recipes, which were already great to start with, into instant pot recipes. So if you are just starting out with an instant pot or if you're passionate about a slow cooker, I would head to the website because we have some really, really good ones. Chicken, ground beef soups. We have everything you can think of.
We even have a little key on our website to help you convert your own slow cooker recipes into instant pot recipes in case we don't have it on there already.
Laura Dugger: If you're like me, you can't get enough podcasts. I have some great news for you. Did you know that we have bonus episodes only available to paying patrons?
For as little as $5 per month, you can access some of our most exclusive content. Each $5 patron will gain access to all previous podcasts and a secret bonus episode every month. So if you sign up today, you can hear additional conversations with world-known speakers such as parenting experts, Dr. Rob Reno and Karen Stubbs, or medical experts like Dr. Saundra Dalton-Smith and Tracy Legrand, along with many more wonderful guests. [00:26:35]
We invite you to sign up today by visiting thesavvysauce.com and clicking the patron tab. Thanks for your consideration.
How do you and your sisters apply this love of cooking for others to your lives, especially as you're all in different seasons with your own families?
Lauren Walker: I think just the habit that our mom and dad instilled in us about the importance of eating together as a family. I think we do that with our own families. And because we're so passionate about doing that with our own families, it makes it so much easier to keep working and to keep encouraging other families to do that, too.
Because we know how important it is, especially in today's world, it's just so important to have a safe place for our kids to gather together and to be together. And so seeing how much it's impacted our own lives, seeing how cooking really... anyone can do it. [00:27:36]
That's the thing is, a lot of people maybe think we're these professional cookers or we're really good at throwing ingredients together, but we're not. None of us have had any type of professional training. I mean, a few of us graduated from college, but it wasn't like family and consumer science or elementary education.
I mean, we're not professional cooks by any means. And so kind of our whole thing that we want to pound into people's minds is we can do it. You have no problem doing it because I mean, it's so easy to do it. You just have to sit down and plan it out and do it. And so I think being in that stage of realizing how busy these moms really are and seeing how much really is going on. If we can do it, you can do it.
Laura Dugger: I love that encouragement. We've talked about some of your most popular recipes. What's been overall your most popular blog posts? [00:28:43]
Lauren Walker: Surprisingly, the most popular blog posts almost ever on our website, which is crazy because if you look at our website right now, it's just recipes. But back in like 2013, we did a blog post of 30 stay-at-home date ideas. And for some reason, that is the blog post that people always come back to. And we have not revamped it. We haven't gone and updated it, but it's still one of our biggest sources of traffic.
People just find it and they come or they're looking for date ideas at home. That's definitely been the most popular aside from any of our recipes that we put on there.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's hilarious, because I remember reading that. I bet you're right. It probably was 2013. It was years ago. Any interest in going down that route or have you all decided "food is where it's at? We're all passionate about this. This is our jam." [00:29:42]
Lauren Walker: We have pretty much just been focusing on food. We've gone back and redone a lot of our old posts, all of our mom's recipes that were the first ones on there. We've gone and made those posts a little bit more appealing to look at. But we haven't even talked about going back and fixing those, which maybe we should. I'll have to take it back to the group and see what they think.
Laura Dugger: There you go. Not to put something else on your plate. It's doing great what you've got going on.
Well, Lauren, you are so approachable and I've really enjoyed this chat so far. But if listeners want to check out your blog or learn more about you, where can they find you online?
Lauren Walker: Oh, thank you. It's been so fun to be here with you. You can find us on any social media outlet at Six Sisters' Stuff or just at SixSistersStuff.com.
If you're interested in those meal plans that I was talking about, I forgot to tell you, I created a promo code for anyone listening to this podcast. [00:30:41] So if you want to try them out, you can go to SixSistersMenuPlan.com and then use the code Sisters20. You can get 20% off of any of our menu plans.
We have plans for if you have a big family or a small family, if you're gluten-free, if you're trying to be healthy, we kind of have everything for everyone. And we'll send you a shopping list each week and your meals all planned out. So it's a great deal and totally worth it. I use it every single week, so I can attest that it is a great thing.
Laura Dugger: We will absolutely link to that in our show notes and in our resources tab of our website. And you said the code is Sisters20. Is that right?
Lauren Walker: Yes.
Laura Dugger: Perfect. Okay, well, Lauren, I just have one final question for you today. We are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so as my final question for you, what is your savvy sauce? [00:31:43]
Lauren Walker: I think my savvy sauce or my kind of my tip to anyone listening, especially if you're someone who's starting to try something up or someone, even just a mom, don't compare where you are now to where someone is ahead of you, because it's totally different.
Whether you're viewing them on social media or whether you're seeing a blogger or an influencer getting all these great brand deals or making a lot of money, don't compare their success to where you are right now, because there's a lot more that goes into it than it looks like. And you just keep doing you and you're going to do great.
I think that's my savvy sauce. Just focus on yourself, focus on your family, and focus on your passions. And whatever you set your mind to, you can do it and you can be successful. If you're passionate about it, someone else is passionate about it, too.
Laura Dugger: Lauren, you are so genuinely kind, and it has been so easy just to chat with you today. [00:32:45] Clearly, God has blessed your business. I'm so grateful for the work that you and your sisters and your mom and your team do. So thank you for sharing your journey with us today.
Lauren Walker: Thank you so much for having me. It's been so fun.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:33:46]
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? [00:34:45] We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. [00:35:46] We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Tuesday Apr 14, 2020
Tuesday Apr 14, 2020
COVID-19 Bonus Episode: Thriving with Kids at Home During Quarantine with Amanda Leman
Philippians 3:20 (NIV) “But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ,"
Amanda Leman has been married to Drew for almost 20 years (nearly half her life)! Together they have three kids: Will (15), Miles (11), and Simone (9). Their family loves to travel, both trying new places and visiting spots they have been over and over again. Amanda was a Realtor for 7 years, then took off 10 years to stay at home with her kids, and now she works from home as an Assistant to a Realtor. She also fills in as a baker at a local restaurant, 430 Scones. She has relied on her faith in Jesus to thrive during this quarantine.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Mango Website for Learning Languages
Clean Mama on Instagram @cleanmama
Andy Stanley’s Message How to Win at Life
Sermon on Kindness with Dr. James Merritt
Rhythms of Renewal by Rebeka Lyons
Adventures in Odyssey Club Free Trial
Free Homeschooling Planner by Lara Casey
Nature Scavenger Hunt Free Printable
Picture Books Being Read Aloud Online:
Mary Penn Reading Aloud on Facebook
Instagram @readinglegacies (Every Monday, Wednesday & Friday in April, they'll be posting a new read-aloud video for the whole family to enjoy. 📚)
Amanda’s Favorite Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe:
3/4 Cup Sugar
3/4 Cup Brown Sugar
1 Cup Butter (Softened)
1 Egg
2 and 1/4 Cups Four
1 tsp Baking Soda
1/2 tsp Salt
1/2 tsp Vanilla
12 oz. Chocolate Chips
Mix together sugar, brown sugar, butter, vanilla, and egg. Combine flour, baking soda, and salt. Add flour mixture to sugar mixture. Stir in chocolate chips. Bake at 375 degrees for 8-10 minutes
Savvy Sauce Episodes Mentioned:
Episode 21: Promoting a Family Culture of Reading with Blogger, Megan Kaeb
Episode 22: Inspiring Your Children to Be Readers, Part 2 with Blogger, Megan Kaeb
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Chick-fil-A East Peoria
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
Monday Apr 13, 2020
Monday Apr 13, 2020
99. Sabbath Rest with Sandy Feit
**Transcription Below**
“But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed.” -Isaiah 53:5 (NIV)
Sandy Feit was born in 1950 and raised in a Conservative Jewish family. She unexpectedly met her Messiah in 1980 and has been on a grand spiritual adventure ever since. By day, Sandy works as Senior Copy Editor and staff writer for In Touch Ministries, and every Friday night, she can be found at her favorite place on earth—family dinner with her three children and eight grandkids.
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Sandy Feit’s Writing Collection
The Good and Beautiful God by James Bryan Smith
Thank You to Our Sponsors: Samaritan Ministries and Chick-fil-A East Peoria
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:01] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: In the midst of a health care crisis, you don't have to feel isolated and alone. Samaritan Ministries connects Christians who support each other through prayer, encouragement, and financial support for medical needs. Learn more at SamaritanMinistries.org.
Thank you to Chick-fil-A East Peoria, one of our sponsors, for today's episode. You can place a mobile order for their drive-thru or for curbside pickup. Learn more at cfaeastpeoria.com.
Sandy Feit and I originally met each other through her daughter, Jackie Coleman. I consider Jackie one of my dearest friends and I hope you had a chance to listen to her episode on friendship back in October of 2018.
And now we get to sit under Sandy's teaching on Sabbath. We will cover the history of this gift and unpack how to incorporate this rhythm of rest into our lives today, if we so choose. [00:01:23]
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Sandy.
Sandy Feit: Thanks, it's nice to be here.
Laura Dugger: Would you just start us off by sharing your story with us?
Sandy Feit: Sure. I was brought up in Providence, Rhode Island in the 1950s, and we had a sizable Jewish community, which was pretty insulated. And this all felt normal to me, but now looking back, I think it's likely that it was related to how recent the Holocaust was. So it made sense that there was this self-protective reaction against assimilation.
But what that meant for me was I grew up with an attitude of us versus them, where "us" was anyone Jewish, and "them" was everybody else. It didn't matter whether they were friends of Israel, lovers of Jews, or anti-Semitic. They were all "them".
So the way that played out in my life was I had almost exclusively Jewish friends. I dated only Jewish boys, and I was almost never in a Gentile home. [00:02:26] As for religion, ours was a conservative Jewish home, and that meant that I was brought up kosher. I never tasted a cheeseburger or lobster until after I was married.
As for holidays and Sabbath, we had a lot of rules. Now, the rules varied from household to household. So if someone was orthodox, that meant that they probably wouldn't do any cooking from Friday evening to Saturday evening. They wouldn't do any driving. They wouldn't use electricity except on timers, so things would go on automatically. But the conservative, which we were, was more relaxed.
So, mainly what I remember was that when Sabbath rolled around, we couldn't use pencils or crayons or scissors or sewing machine. And I was a kid who grew up to be an art major. So as you can imagine, that wasn't really pleasant for me.
I wasn't a child who enjoyed reading, which is ironic because I grew up to become an editor. But I just felt that these rules were very restrictive and frustrating for me. [00:03:30] So starting on Sunset Friday, I just couldn't wait for Sundown Saturday.
In general, though, I felt good about being Jewish. I was proud to be one of the chosen people, but I had no idea what we were chosen for. God Himself didn't seem very integral to our experience of Judaism. It struck me more as a lifestyle of rules, and mostly man-made rules at that. So when I left for college, I didn't see a reason to remain observant. I was a good person, and to me that just felt like enough.
What did I have instead of religion? I think of it more as a paradigm. My hypothesis of how life worked was that I was lucky. Things went my way. In school, I did very well academically. I married a Jewish doctor. I had a nice job. I had one child who was, by the way, born right on her due date. And we had four grandparents all living within a mile of us. And child number two was on the way. [00:04:30] So everything was going according to plan. The only problem was that it was my plan.
And then my water broke unexpectedly 12 weeks early, and Jonathan, our second child, was born weighing a frightening three pounds. The head of the NICU said, "Don't worry, 28-weekers are hard to manage, but we're good at it." And I figured, "Hey, I'm lucky." So this might be a little rigorous, but I just assumed everything would work out fine.
Well, we kind of bumbled along for four weeks, and then all of a sudden, Jonathan got an overwhelming infection. He was rushed to surgery on a Friday and died two days later. By the way, he died on April 1st. So that was a really hard time for me. So my paradigm of things go my way had collapsed.
And that fall, as if I needed further evidence that I wasn't in charge of my life, a subsequent pregnancy proved abnormal. [00:05:31] It was something called a molar pregnancy, where the placenta can turn cancerous and the baby gets blighted. At any rate, I ended up on chemotherapy and weekly blood tests for months.
Elliot, my husband, knew I needed help and he approached a new hospital social worker. He was a pediatrician in the hospital and he knew this social worker that people considered wise and asked if she would just come and talk to me.
Well, Ellen was a really good listener, and she wasn't afraid to take on my questions, and she wasn't afraid of the pain I was in. And I found it very comforting to be with her. So I would ask her questions like, how can you stand working in that unit where children die? And she would answer, "Well, I have a strong faith." And I didn't even see the connection. What did faith have to do with that?
So I remember asking her, what religion are you? And she said, Christian. I didn't really understand that word if I had heard others. [00:06:31] Jewish mind doesn't really have a good category for all the different types of Christians. So I said, well, are you Catholic or Gentile or Baptist? And she said, "Just just Christian. But it's not a religion, it's a relationship." Again, I didn't really have any understanding of what that meant.
Eventually, I asked her something that I don't even recall, but I remember her answer as clear as anything, because her answer was that the only way to heaven is through Jesus Christ. Well, I didn't know what to do with that. It was offensive to me. I was Jewish. She knew I was Jewish. I thought, how can she say that? She knows what I've been through.
I knew at this point I'm supposed to throw her out of my house, but she had been my life preserver. That was the only thing that gave me any comfort, and I knew I couldn't do that either.
So I just answered her by saying, "Well, I believe my Judaism is true." And she amazed me by agreeing. But she added that if Judaism is true, then Christianity must also be, because there are so many Old Testament prophecies that aren't fulfilled until the New Testament. [00:07:36]
Well, that certainly confused me because I always thought that the Old Testament was my Bible, was for Jews, and the New Testament was for Gentiles. I had no idea that they had anything to do with each other. So she asked me if I had a Bible, and I found the one I had been given at my bat mitzvah. So she took me on a six-month research project through the prophecies in my own Bible, and a portrait of my own Messiah began to take shape.
And this is what my Bible said about Him. He would be born of a virgin. He would be born in Bethlehem. His hands and feet would be pierced. And said he was cut off out of the land of the living for the transgression of my people to whom the stroke was due.
Well, this was sounding an awful lot like a "them" because I grew up down the street from a Catholic school and every Easter there was a poster out front that showed Jesus on the cross and it said, "He died for your sins." [00:08:37] I had no idea what that meant, but now reading in Isaiah 53 that He was crushed for our iniquities and He was cut off for my people, it kind of went, click, and all of a sudden I realized that that is who these prophecies in my Bible were about. So that is how I came to believe in Jesus.
That night at the kitchen table, I thought that I had finally reached the finish line, not realizing that it was actually the starting line, and I've been on a little journey ever since.
Laura Dugger: That is so captivating to hear your story. I've never heard all of those details about Jonathan, and I'm sure that recent anniversary was still tough.
Sandy Feit: Well, actually, it used to be very hard. I taught in a Christian school, I was an art teacher there, and every April 1st, the kids would think it was great fun to play April Fools jokes on all the teachers. So whenever they did to me, I would just kind of snap, you know, that's not funny. [00:09:39]
One day, my son also played an April Fool's joke, and I did the same thing to him, and he said, "But Mom, April 1st is the day that Jonathan met Jesus." And it just turned everything around for me. So now I actually appreciate the day. And I realized that my entire family was on a different trajectory because of that day and what happened on it. So now if I had to rewrite the story of my life, I would not leave that part out.
Laura Dugger: Your maturity is so incredible to hear. I'm just curious with a few follow-up questions. So at this point, when you came to know Jesus, you were still in Rhode Island at this point, is that right?
Sandy Feit: That's right.
Laura Dugger: How did you explain this then to your family, or did you keep that to yourself?
Sandy Feit: Well, it took me two years to tell my mother. It was really very hard to do, but eventually it just kind of bubbled out. [00:10:39] I had been having dreams about it and it had been coming between us without her knowing that I would feel this big distance.
So finally, I just told her and she had a strange reaction. At first, she said, "Well, you sound so happy. Why don't you tell your sister?" Because my sister at the time was having some struggles. So I sort of couldn't believe my ears. And I quick called my sister and told her. And she has always been very open to me.
But the next day, my mother kind of thought about it and said, "You know, I was thinking about what you said and what does that mean in terms of our family and all the relatives and her grandparents?" And then she started distancing herself from it. She came to have a really hard time with it. But we managed to get past it in our relationship and had a good relationship. But I wasn't really allowed to talk about that part of my life, which, as you can imagine, when it's in every fiber of your being, that's very tricky to do. But we navigated it okay.
She died a few years ago, and I never quite got the answer from her that I had hoped, but God didn't leave me without hope either. [00:11:46] There were certain things that happened at the end that make me think, Maybe she was coming around in her own way. And that's what I cling to.
Laura Dugger: I love how He gives us that personal hope.
Sandy Feit: Mm-hmm.
Laura Dugger: Then what about with Elliot and your children? When did you share about Jesus with them?
Sandy Feit: Well, Elliot, that was very interesting because he brought the social worker, Ellen, to our house, so he knew her very well from work. And the way he put it was he was always in the background washing dishes and listening. I'm not sure he washed dishes. But he was listening. It seemed like the focus was on me with a lot of things going wrong or being hard in my life. And then I came to faith and was starting to climb out of that hole and getting into the study of Scripture, and he saw me coming alive.
The focus seemed to change to him, where several things were being very hard with his career and other situations. [00:12:47] And so within around six months, he also came to faith. God is very smart. He knew that if Elliot came first, that I would have had a hard time with that, because Elliot, we went to high school together. And if there was ever a day that he wasn't sitting outside the vice principal's office for being thrown out of class, it meant he was absent. So I would have thought, "Oh no, he's doing something else that is a kind of a bad boy thing or not what's expected of him. So God brought me first. So wise.
And then when Elliot came around, God knew that I was going to need a partner to walk through this with. For a while, I was way ahead of him in the studies, but he just took off and he was just like dynamite with it. He loved Jesus so much and just wanted to tell everybody about Him.
Laura Dugger: Yes, he is such a special man. I only had the opportunity to meet him a few times, but both of you just exude the light and love of Christ, really, in every interaction. [00:13:48]
Sandy Feit: Oh, that's good to hear. I hope so.
Laura Dugger: And you have such a unique perspective into Judaism and Christianity. I would love for you just to teach us more, and especially as it relates to Sabbath. So how do Jews honor the Sabbath day and keep it holy?
Sandy Feit: Well, the question assumes that they do honor the Sabbath and keep it holy, but that depends on a lot of things. As I said, most Jewish people that I knew had their own style of rule-keeping, whether it was for the Sabbath or kosher laws or how they observed holidays.
But their branch of Judaism also mattered. So if they were Orthodox, they would be stricter and conservative, a little more relaxed. A lot of the people that I knew were in the Reform Synagogue, which was basically indistinguishable from the culture at large. They would eat cheeseburgers and they would work on Saturday and all that.
So for those who do observe Sabbath in the stricter denominations, one thing they might do is cook Saturday's meals ahead of time. [00:14:51] Generally, the house is cleaned to be ready for Friday evening. And Sabbath for them would create a rhythm to organize the week around.
Another thing that makes a big difference is where you live. I have a cousin in California who lives in an Orthodox compound, so the whole community is observing Sabbath, which makes it much more doable. Also in Israel. My daughter and I had an opportunity to go to Israel for the first time, me for the first time, her a second. We were there this past October.
The last evening we were there, I got to spend Shabbat with a first cousin of mine who grew up with me in Rhode Island and has lived in Israel for many years. And it was such a lovely experience. The meal preparations were extensive. We spent the entire afternoon making lots and lots of dishes.
And at night there were 11 of us around the table. Her whole extended family was there and we ate and we laughed and we joked and we sang. It was just an amazing ambiance and camaraderie around that table. [00:15:56] You and I would call it fellowship.
But the amazing thing was this was going on in every house throughout the neighborhood. In Israel, traffic stops on Shabbat. Hotel elevators are programmed to stop at every floor so no one has to do the work of pushing buttons. So there's this mindset and a rhythm and a delightful rest that descends on the day.
It's kind of like everyone here doing Thanksgiving or picnics and swimming on 4th of July. It would feel different if you went to another country and were the only ones doing that. But when the whole country is doing it, it's just very, very lovely. And there's this communal sense of pleasure.
Laura Dugger: Wow, that's a beautiful picture. Then I'm even going to the practical side for these young moms who are helping prepare all of this and they have little kids at their feet. I mean, at one point you were that little child not able to play with the crayons. So what did that look like for the preparations and even the day of Sabbath? [00:16:59]
Sandy Feit: Well, my mother would have a nice meal for Friday night, and that part was kind of fun, but then we would kind of disband and do our own thing. So for me, it was just kind of waiting it out until I could get back to my drawing and cutting and all that.
Sometimes we would take a walk on the Sabbath, but our family wasn't observing it in a very big way. Not the same as if it's in a neighborhood in Israel where everybody is doing it and it just feels very different.
Laura Dugger: Okay, that makes sense because I think I have this more romanticized view in my head which maybe it does sound a little bit like your experience in Israel. And when you likened it to Thanksgiving, are you saying it's like that big of a production and that big of a celebration, but it's every week?
Sandy Feit: It really was. I cannot tell you how many different dishes were on the table that night and all the effort that went into it. And the whole feeling of preparation was very much like a Thanksgiving morning. [00:18:01]
Laura Dugger: Well, and like you said, they ordered the rest of their lives around that if that's a high priority. But now for us as Christ followers living after the first coming of Christ, what kind of meaning does or should the Sabbath have?
Sandy Feit: Well, the commandment about Sabbath was actually part of the Mosaic Covenant, which Christ fulfilled when He died on the cross. So we are now under the new covenant. Many Christians think the Sabbath actually changed from the seventh day of the week, from Saturday to Sunday, the Lord's Day. But biblically, that's actually not the case. We're no longer under the Mosaic law.
So we are under the law of Christ, and that reiterated most of the Ten Commandments. You know, in the New Testament, you'll see many of those things repeated in one form or another, but the observance of Sabbath is not actually listed. So we are free to observe it, but we're not under obligation to. [00:19:01]
I think rest is a beautiful principle to build into our life, and Christ is our Sabbath, so that's where we find our rest. Sabbath was originally instituted as a day to rest from work, and we know it was used as a day of worship in Christ's day. It says He went to the synagogue on the Sabbath, and He interacted. In fact, He healed very pointedly. He healed to draw attention to who He was and what He was doing, but He brought out the fact that the Sabbath was made for man, not the other way around.
So, in the New Testament, the Lord's Day became a day to gather, but the principle that we go by is that we are to meet regularly, but the actual day of the week is not specified. Actually, the aspect of freedom in Christianity is especially important to me. So those Sabbath rules that I mentioned earlier felt like a clear lack of freedom, and to me that kind of contradicts the spirit of Sabbath. But now I feel like I can incorporate the rest part in a way that's not obligation, but it's just... it's beautiful to actually get to that point of rest in Christ. [00:20:07]
Laura Dugger: And from your study of the Bible, let me just summarize your saying that of those Ten Commandments, that some of them were affirmed in the New Testament. This one was not specifically stated by Jesus, but that the New Testament does talk about the Sabbath being for man, more so like a gift rather than man-made for the Sabbath. Is that right?
Sandy Feit: Well, that's right. But Jesus was also saying it while the Mosaic Covenant was still in effect. His whole life up to the cross they were under the Mosaic Covenant. So we have the freedom to observe those principles if we want, and I think it's a great idea, but not if we do it out of guilt or because we think we have to. We do it because it's a gift to us.
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Laura Dugger: When you speak about rest, it's so full of freedom and very inviting. [00:23:18] And I'm just curious, why do you think that we in American culture tend to celebrate the opposite of what Sabbath represents?
Sandy Feit: That's a really good question. And I think you're right, we do. But I think it's part of the American ethic. It's a mindset that we have. I think it goes back to the idea of the American dream and the self-made man. Some people trace that idea back to Benjamin Franklin. He came from humble beginnings and rose to be a very respected member of society. And also people like Abraham Lincoln, you know, the poverty and then this rise to power. So I think that's just kind of built into what Americans think and aspire to, you know, drive and grit and pulling yourself up by the bootstraps.
But maybe there's also some competitive spirit that we have. And maybe it's also a little bit of the human nature being insatiable. We just have this drive for bigger and better and more. [00:24:20]
I think Madison Avenue probably has shaped some of that desire. American Advertising seems to understand the consumer's psyche and they're very clever about manipulating us to desire whatever they want to sell us.
So I think that all plays a part and we always try to outdo whatever's been done before. Think about all the events and expectations that get bigger every year. Sales figures, no one's ever satisfied to have a year as good as last year. It always has to be better.
Super Bowl halftime shows always have to be bigger and more dramatic. And look at how holidays have become just bigger and more booming industries. Things like Valentine's Day and Halloween were never as big as they are now. And now Halloween rivals Christmas, I believe. Same thing with... think about marriage proposals and baby reveals. It's just bigger and bigger. And I think that's just somehow wired into the American thinking.
Laura Dugger: That's a very fascinating perspective. [00:25:19] What root issues do you believe this illuminates when we do resist the desire to enjoy the gift of Sabbath rest?
Sandy Feit: I like that you call it the gift of Sabbath rest, because it is no longer a command. But as for heart issues that make it difficult to get the rest we need, I think I would include sleep and bodily rejuvenation in that character.
Thinking of things from my own experience, I have trouble with discipline, going to bed on time, and also self-sufficiency. We've all been taught that we can do it ourselves, coupled with the pride of accomplishment.
I myself have trouble leaving things undone for too long. I've always been driven by a to-do list. I always joke that my motto is, let me just, as in, okay, I'll be right there, but let me just do this one thing first. I always want to cross it off. So I have to fight that if I want to get to a place of just resting and sitting. [00:26:20]
In fact, as recently as 8 or 10 years ago, I didn't know how to relax let alone rest for a whole day. TV seems like an odd thing to praise, but I do credit it with teaching me how to sit back for at least a little while. Because before that, the only time I would ever sit and watch TV was when I had a basket of clothes to fold.
But my husband enjoyed unwinding with a program or two. Once he found a series that intrigued me and I guess I had enough laundry to get into it, so eventually I did learn to enjoy just sitting with him and watching even if it wasn't laundry to fold.
So I'm not sure how we get past that. One thing might be an accountability partner. For Christian marriages, it would be great if the leader of the family, also known as the husband, gets on board. If he would build rest and downtime into the family routine, that would be very helpful for the whole family.
Also, stick to bedtimes. When kids get to stay up too late, that's a drain on the parents, and parents need time not being needed. [00:27:24] I wasn't disappointed about my own bedtime, as I said, but I'm doing better now. When I do, I really notice a difference from the next afternoon.
Laura Dugger: I think you'll be hitting a nerve for a lot of people, and I'm including myself in that category with being kind of enslaved to this to-do list that, like you said, let me just get one more thing done. Do you have any other tips for how to, I don't know if the right word is overcome, but any tips for how to overcome that pull to always be driven to do one more thing rather than to choose rest?
Sandy Feit: Well, one is maybe just to force yourself to try it. And if you can get to a point of rest, you might find that you really like it. But ironically, this COVID-19 situation that we are in is forcing a lot of us to be a whole kind of inadvertent students of Sabbath and that lifestyle because we're a lot less active than we're used to being. [00:28:26]
And with a lot of stores and places of entertainment and churches closed, we are having to relearn how to stay home and follow a routine that in many cases is more restful, although those of you with children at home, it's not necessarily restful, but it's a different pace than you're used to.
So it's not always easy or comfortable to do, but there's a wholesomeness to that quieter kind of entertainment. The other thing that I would say about Sabbath and about this time of lockdown is that it's a time of reset.
There's a lot going on, not just in our personal life, but as a country and as a world that's being reset. These patterns of work, the activities by which we play and get refreshed, our ways of interacting with housemates. I'm hearing my children talk about the things that they're figuring out to do with their children and the pleasure that they're learning to get from it that may not have been so pleasurable before. [00:29:27]
Also, the ways that we're connecting with more remote friends and families. I'm on Zoom meetings at work. I'm on Zoom at Sunday school. It's making us look at life differently. Even Congress is not fighting each other, but they're trying to work together for a change. So this is pretty remarkable. But the Sabbath and these downtimes can be a reset for attitudes.
Laura Dugger: And it's fine for us to detour here since we are all experiencing this together. So for you personally, Sandy, is there anything that you've learned so far in this unique season of COVID-19? Are there any of these rhythms that you want to take forward once we come out of this?
Sandy Feit: Well, yes, I always enjoy being with my family. And since my husband died four and a half years ago, my son instituted family dinner. So once a week. It actually has moved to Friday night. So that has been a delightful point in the week that we kind of revolve around. I've loved that connection. [00:30:33]
Now with this new situation I'm actually doing bedtimes by Zoom every weeknight. And I just love even if it's a short time but hearing something from the children's day and they all get to talk. We play High, Low, Buffalo. What's the high of your day, the low of your day and something unusual about your day.
And what delights me is that almost all of them will say, I had no love. And I just love getting into their little heads and just seeing the world, this crazy world with this crazy situation through the eyes of a child. And it does settle me to do that. So I don't want to lose that after this is all over and we're looking back on it.
Laura Dugger: Wow, thank you for sharing that. I love it.
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How can we apply principles in scripture to live in a rhythm of incorporating more intentional rest into our daily lives?
Sandy Feit: Well, the biblical principles that I see are that God rested after six days of creation, and then I see Jesus pulling away from the crowds very regularly to be in a secluded place with His Father. He also told the disciples, come away by yourselves to a secluded place and rest a while because there were a lot of people coming and going and wanting Him. [00:32:31]
So emulating Christ is certainly a good thing. But how do we do it? That is always tricky. But I think the first thing is to be mindful of the messages playing in my head and then not fall for them. Like what goes on in my head is, oh, I don't really need to get to bed this early 30 minutes won't make a difference even though I know it's going to be 45 or 60 minutes by the time all is said and done and then I'll be wound up and won't fall asleep right away.
Or you know that bedtime app on the phone, it plays barf Brahms lullaby and then I'm supposed to go to bed or get restart to get ready for it, well, I have learned to ignore it. So I almost have to make an out loud decision to pay attention to it.
A lot of it has to do with being organized and planning ahead, whether that means cooking double and freezing it, planning for leftovers. I once read that undesignated time disappears. So for me, the takeaway is be intentional and block off time, including for rest and replenishment, whatever that looks like. [00:33:35]
One other thing that my son does, he has Sunday after church is a technology day. They don't allow their children to use the computer or their tablets a lot, but they have discovered that that works well for the whole family. So it's kind of like the TV thing, that technology can be an unwelcome intruder in many relationships and certainly in many circles, but it's not evil in and of itself, just if it's misused.
So if the children are allowed to have that time, then it ends up that my son and his wife also have a very peaceful afternoon and they can connect with each other. So that's something that has worked very well for them.
Laura Dugger: Wow, that's a really practical tip. I like that. What caution do you have for us if we want to get serious about building rest into our routine? Is there a way to recognize if we're falling into either extreme there?
Sandy Feit: Well, speaking for myself, I don't think I have the danger of falling into too much. [00:34:37] You mean becoming a super couch potato? I think more my temptation is to fall out of it. So I just would have to keep reminding myself.
Other things you can do are also like schedule when we're allowed to be with people again, a pedicure or lunch with a friend monthly, or something like... some people have a regular week for vacation every year. But the organization and planning ahead, I think, is really important.
And as I said before, an accountability partner to kind of hold you to it. I don't think it's our normal rhythm. Maybe that's why it had to be a command in the first place.
Laura Dugger: That's really insightful. I think you're onto something there. Would you vision cast for us now? What kind of hope is there for us if we actually become intentional and incorporate this gift of rest into our lives?
Sandy Feit: Well, I think we've become more Christ-like. And isn't that what we're all aiming for? [00:35:37] Jesus was never rushed. He was never flustered. Didn't matter how often the Pharisees or the teachers of the law tried to trap Him. He just was never rattled.
So I think if we look at how He did that, and that's our goal and our model, I think that's a great thing to aim for. He stayed in very close contact with His Father and did only what His Father told Him to do.
Prayer. I know that's a pattern that is wonderful to stay in. But prayer is a battle. It's hard to keep that prayer time, something is always trying to interrupt it. So I think that is something to aim for.
And we have the Holy Spirit living within us. So we have access to the power that raised Jesus from the dead, it said in the scripture. That's amazing. And we have the wisdom of Almighty God and the peace that characterized the Prince of Peace.
So, you know, I'm preaching to myself here, but if we just stop trying to take control of things ourselves and instead let God run the show, I think we'd really find that rest. [00:36:43]
I once had this little bookmark that I made that said R-U-N in giant letters, and in a little tiny i, a small i, it was in between the U and the N. So the idea of it was run my life God or I will ruin it.
And I think that's what this rest is like for me. Left to my own devices I would be filling my time with all kinds of stuff and to-do lists and marking it off. But if the more I let God, people say let go and let God, but the more I let Him do, the better off I am.
Actually, since losing my husband, I've had to take care of all kinds of things that I simply didn't know how to do before. Prepare taxes, I had to get the microwave fixed, hire a contractor, I have a new garage door, I had to figure out probate, buy a new car. So my initial temptation four and a half years ago was to panic.
There was just so much thrown at me all at once, though, that I had no choice but to cast it on God. [00:37:47] And you know what? He wasn't thrown at all. Gradually, one thing at a time got worked out. And the more I saw Him come through, the more I began to rest in Him. And it's really changing me. I'll tell you, calm feels good. I can just tell you that He is faithful and He will come through.
Laura Dugger: And that's especially powerful to hear because you've gone through so much loss in your life. Many years ago with Jonathan and then with your mother and with your beloved husband more recently. So I don't take those words lightly.
Sandy Feit: Well, thank you. But I will say I am a firm believer in reunions and we are going to have a grand one one day.
Laura Dugger: Amen. Sandy, if someone's listening and they want to boil this down to a more manageable first step, is there anything that you would direct them toward?
Sandy Feit: Maybe folding their clothes in front of the TV. [00:38:47] Maybe just sitting and starting with 30 seconds of silence and thinking of nothing except possibly thinking to God. And then just gradually extending it, but really get it on your calendar. If you don't write it down, it's not going to happen. Not if you're like me.
Laura Dugger: I think those are really wise principles to start. And it's interesting. My husband, Mark, has been reading and actually now rereading this book, The Good and Beautiful God. And it really ties into a lot of these recommendations you've been giving where it first incorporates rest and then silence and there's more spiritual disciplines. But I'll put a link to that in the show notes in case that's helpful for someone to get started as well.
Sandy Feit: Oh, I think I'll look it up. Thank you.
Laura Dugger: Yes, my pleasure. Sandy, you're definitely a gifted communicator and I know you're a great writer as well. Where can we find more of your work online? [00:39:47]
Sandy Feit: Well, I am a staff writer for Intouch.org, so I guess you could Google Intouch.org and my last name, F-E-I-T. I also have an article on a site called theperennialgen.com, so that and my name would bring that up. That's for older people like me, but you can find it there.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We'll link to that in our show notes and on our "Resources" tab of our website. You may know we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. And so as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Sandy Feit: Well, I have a little story for you and that is that Elliot, my husband, was not much of a note-taker at church when the sermon was going on. But there was this one Sunday that all of a sudden he got this aha look on his face and he pulled a pen out and he started writing furiously. I had no idea what he was doing. [00:40:48]
But when he got home, he told me that something he had heard on the radio earlier that week, I think it was another Christian message, and what the pastor was saying in church, just blended together. And he got from those two messages four statements that he thought of that summed up the life of faith. So I'm going to share those.
He wrote them on a little card that I still have on my fridge. And we had it printed up as a magnet that we gave out at his funeral. And I am still hearing from people that they have it, they look at it all the time, and it really meant a lot. So I will share those.
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Bible verse "be anxious for nothing". Eliot used to be a terrible worrier. And the stronger his faith grew, the more the anxiety went away. And he learned that there really is no reason to be anxious.
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Take no moment for granted. He said, you just never know what God has in mind for the most simple or innocent-looking moment. [00:41:50] It might be a time that He has a great spiritual thing about to happen. In fact, Elliot once led a telemarketer to faith. So he really knew what he was talking about.
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Trust God. That speaks for itself.
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Expect a miracle.
Laura Dugger: I love those words. That's an incredible savvy sauce. Sandy, just like your daughter Jackie, you are delightful to spend time with and learn from. So thank you for enlightening us today.
Sandy Feit: Thank you. I've really enjoyed this and I've always enjoyed you and I'm glad to be in touch again.
Laura Dugger: Oh, well, it's been a privilege to have you as my guest. Thank you.
Sandy Feit: Thank you so much.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. [00:42:52] Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. [00:43:57]
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. [00:44:56]
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.