73 Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships Part Two with Author and Communication Coach, Kathleen Edelman

73. Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships Part Two with Author and Communication Coach, Kathleen Edelman 

 

**Transcription Below**

 

Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” 

 

Kathleen Edelman has one goal in life: to help people learn to speak kindly to one another. She is certified in Biblical Studies and has a master’s in Christian Counseling Psychology. Kathleen has spent more than 25 years coaching clients in the art of communication. She is married with two grown children and has a surprising passion for martial arts and pickup trucks. 

 

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I Said This You Heard That by Kathleen Edelman

Kathleen Edelman’s Website 

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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

 

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

 

Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

 

Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” 

 

Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” 

 

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

 

Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” 

 

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

 

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” 

 

Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

 

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

 

Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

 

Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

 

Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

 

Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

 

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

 

**Transcription**

 

[00:00:00] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. 

 

[00:00:17] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Today's message is brought to you by Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Stay tuned for insider tips we're going to share during the episode. 

 

Welcome back to part two of our conversation with Kathleen Edelman, author of I Said This, You Heard That. After we recorded, we realized we had entirely too much information to share with you, and it would be easier to digest in two episodes. So we'll pick right back up with the second part of our conversation from yesterday.

 

How can we start to identify others' dominant temperaments? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: When people come in my office, they first leave and they're like, "Oh my gosh, that was so much information," or "this is going to be so hard." Again, it's like learning French and German. You speak French and I speak German. You're yellow and I'm blue, right? But if you immerse yourself in it and you really start listening, you can start to speak the other language. 

 

So again it comes down to the simplicity of just listening to understand. [00:01:24] If we would just learn to pause and what happens to especially in parenting but across all work environments, marriages, most people react to the what that's happening. I'm trying to encourage people to pause and learn to respond to the whys. If we can learn to respond to the "why" instead of the "what", every single conversation will be different. 

 

Laura Dugger: So in light of parenting, can we do another example? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Sure. 

 

Laura Dugger: So my husband's green, I'm yellow, and we have a very blue daughter. So how can we encourage her and speak into the why, like you're saying? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Here's the first thing. You're going to have to know and want to know those innate needs. Even if she's not old enough to really give you a solid definition, you already know safety, support, sensitivity are very important to her. 

 

So, that's where you start. You start speaking into compassion and empathy. "Hey, honey, I see that you're really frustrated with this homework. Let me know how you're feeling about it. Tell me what is it that is making you frustrated. I really would like to hear where that's coming from." [00:02:38] 

 

You're breathing and you're speaking into her language. You're showing her sensitivity and support. Where normally, in your yellow, you'd be like, Oh, how are we gonna make this fun? This is a fun project to do." Okay, that's the last thing a blue person wants to hear. Because to them, they want to do it in excellence and they want to do it in what they feel is perfection. And they don't really look at it as fun. They look at it as a task that they want to get completed. Now, it may be fun but that's not how they're initially gonna look at it. 

 

Your husband might say something like, "Oh, just get it done. It'll be fine." Another thing that will just send the hair on the back of your daughter's neck up because we don't do things that are just fine. That's not even how a melancholy or a blue person thinks. 

 

Our motto is, if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. So if you start talking to her in those words, like I had said right off the board, she's going to find you a safe place to be and then you're going to hear more response out of her. [00:03:41] 

 

Laura Dugger: I love it. When we're in that healthy cycle, you just see amazing qualities come out of blues.

 

Kathleen Edelman: And the thing is, parents, we're pulled in society to be so busy that I think we lose focus and vision on how important and how short of time you have with your children. You know, all these parenting opportunities and windows that fly open. 

 

Unfortunately, I see in my office a lot of times parents missing those opportunities, either because they claim they're too busy or "I've tried to do that and it just doesn't work" and "they don't listen" and blah, blah, blah. You know, there's always something. So if we would just recognize that those moments are precious and they are limited, those times will go away. Your children are growing up every day. 

 

Laura Dugger: Well, and on that note, what potential do you think that we unlock when we do discover other people's colors and we begin to speak to them in their native language? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: I think you lift them up according to their needs. [00:04:43] Our lives are a series of choices and circumstances. If you're in your weaknesses, 100% of the time, the circumstance will control you. But if you can stay in your strengths... in your strengths is where your calling and purpose is. And if you can identify and stay there in yourself and be authentic, and then you do that for the children and the people around you, and you're encouraging them to stay in their strengths, their potentials are exactly how God ordained them to be in their calling and purpose of what they're supposed to even be here for. 

 

But even to the basics of what I try to teach, I just want people speaking kindly to each other. Just a kind word that would help somebody just say, You know what, I had a good day today. 

 

Laura Dugger: What a gift that can be. I've heard you say before, I have the tendency to, but I choose to. 

 

Kathleen Edelman: That is probably one of my favorite activities that I absolutely... it was a mandate that it went into the book because that's what's going to keep you in your strengths. Once you identify the weaknesses, and everybody knows the weaknesses that they're stuck in, because the one thing that all temperaments share, unfortunately, is selfishness. [00:06:00] So we are trying to move from selfishness to servitude. 

 

One of my weaknesses for blue might be I remember the negatives. So if I know that I'm struggling with that, then I want to implement this exercise or this activity that says, I have a tendency to remember the negatives, but I'm going to choose in this circumstance to be compassionate. Or maybe I have a tendency to remember the negatives, but this circumstance requires for me to choose to be analytical or logical. 

 

See, I always have a choice, depending on any circumstance that comes in, to choose a strength over a weakness. And that's my choice. Nobody can do that for me. 

 

Laura Dugger: That's so empowering because then it doesn't leave us helpless with whatever temperament we have. 

 

Kathleen Edelman: We never, ever, ever, ever use our temperament as a weapon or as an excuse. My heart would break if I ever heard anybody say, Well, that's just how I'm wired. I'm just green. I have no sense of urgency." [00:07:00] Or, you know, hey, I talk with a tone. I'm red. That's just the way it is. No, that's not okay with me. 

 

Laura Dugger: It sounds like the opposite of what you're trying to coach. 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Exactly. We can all be our best authentic self if we really just put the effort into how beautifully God designed you. 

 

Laura Dugger: Well said. Let's use all of this background knowledge now and zero in on marriage. So from your experience, have you seen more couples that marry in their same or similar temperament or opposite? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Mostly opposite. Opposites attract by far. I always see some kind of diagonal or opposites. The second one I see the most probably is the same temperament just flipped. So maybe a red-blue is married to a blue-red. The one I see the least of is the exact same temperament. I could probably count on one hand how many couples I know that are the exact same temperament. But opposites definitely. [00:08:00] 

 

You know, when you're dating, you know, we throw all the strengths on the table. And we do that subconsciously. That's what's attracted you to each other. But then, unfortunately, in marriage, even in scripture it says in marriage there will be trials, there comes a complacency. And when that sets in, guess what starts to rear their head? Weaknesses. 

 

Then all of a sudden, they end up in my office and they're saying, she used to be fun, or he used to be this, or she used to be that. Because what happened is you immediately start to change your spouse to be more like you. That's when conflict starts. 

 

Laura Dugger: Okay, well, let's elaborate on that. So let's start with a couple that you see most often, the opposite. What conflict can they expect? Do you have any encouragement to provide or any illustrations of how those opposites can work well together? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: They can work extremely well together because first of all, the hardest combination is the red-green or the green-red combination. [00:09:00] Everybody asks me that, and that's the answer. It's the red-green. But that's probably the most... again, the diagonals are the strongest combination. 

 

Why? Because, for example, My husband's secondary is yellow, his strengths are my weaknesses; my strengths are his weaknesses. If we can celebrate that in each other which we did when we were dating, then we become really unbreakable force. We're stepping towards each other because I'm leaning into his strengths, not complaining about his weaknesses. And he's doing the same. 

 

So it's like if you interlocked your fingers, you know, that's a really powerful grip right there is to have that interlocking relationship. But it takes humility. It takes vulnerability. It takes grace. It takes humility. And we want to make sure that we stay there because I'm very much about having every couple stay in boyfriend-girlfriend mode. [00:10:07] 

 

I've been married 30 years. I really push this a lot because that's when you were celebrating each other's strengths, you were attracted to each other's strengths, and you were probably in your strengths. 

 

Laura Dugger: I love that. So encouragement to stay in boyfriend-girlfriend mode. 

 

Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor. 

 

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Laura Dugger: Let's flip this into parenting. How can we truly train up the child in the way they should go as we look at these temperaments? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Let's just apply Ephesians 4:29. Every word that comes out of your mouth to your daughter has to be what Proverbs 18:21 says, on your tongue lays the power of life or death. So is it life words building her up according to her needs, not your needs, and benefiting all who listen? 

 

So we really want to identify that and then make sure that we're feeding into the design that God made for that child, because it's within their design that they're calling in purposes. [00:12:17] And it's our responsibility as parents to have them thrive in their design, have them thrive in their purpose, give them a strong foundation so they can authentically be themselves without ever having to look side to side and question who they are or why they're here. They can be so solid in "this is who I am. This is how I'm wired. I do not have to be a different thing. I can be a beautiful yellow or I can be a beautiful green because that's how I was designed. And that's where my talents and purpose and calling is gonna be."

 

Laura Dugger: Then what about when the weaknesses are coming out? Your yellow is being very charming or your red is using anger to control or green procrastination or blue the moods. How can you parent well? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: The first thing is talk about it. Identify with it. You can absolutely say, "Hey, I see that you're choosing anger with this or tone. Tell me what it is because it seems like you're impatient about this." [00:13:22] What could you do differently or what could you have chosen differently? I'm all about the plan b as well especially. You know, I can see this didn't work out for you what's your plan b 

 

See, it's very important in parenting that we have people, we have the children think and then problem-solve and then make a decision and then live with the consequence. Sometimes parents go in and they just soop in and they give them the answer and they tell their kids what to do instead of showing curiosity and interest and saying, "Oh, I see that this is frustrating you," or "I hear what you're saying and I know you want to go out and play with your friends because you're all about people and you're a very good friend. How are you going to get your homework done first before you go out? Or maybe invite a friend over to do your homework." Whatever the verbiage is goes right in line with whatever their wiring is. 

 

Laura Dugger: I have to think, Kathleen, your kids probably appreciate it so much that you had started this before they even came along, so they were raised with these temperaments. Are there any examples that come to mind as you think back of parenting them? [00:14:34] 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Oh, there's hundreds and hundreds. I can remember them still being in car seats and Bryce is a blue and Avery's a yellow. Avery is, "Can we please stop at one more store? Can we just please stop, Bryce, one more store? We'll just... Mom will stop, we'll walk through the toy section at Target. And then if you'll do this with me, I promise that you can read me your Thomas book when we get home."

 

And then you can see Bryce on his car seat kind of thinking about it processing and he's like, "Avery, if you will let me read two books to you when we get home, then I will go through Target with you. But we have to put the timer on that it's five minutes. Agreed?" And Avery would be like, "Agreed." I mean, they were literally honoring each other's temperament very young. 

 

Laura Dugger: That's incredible. What about your encouragement to them in their temperaments or your correction of them when they were choosing to live out a weakness? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Avery was easy to talk to because she's so in the moment. So I would say to her, you know when she was excessively talking, which she still can do, story after story after story, I would say, "I want to give you my full attention and I can give you my full attention for your first story. You are so good at telling stories. You're gonna have to save a couple for either bedtime or tomorrow. Which one would you like to tell me? [00:15:59] 

 

That way she knows that there's a limit and she knew that I was interested, but she could not dominate the time. She would have just kept going and going if you would have given her the space. 

 

For Bryce, it was more of getting down on my knee and connecting with the feelings and emotions he was feeling. So he would get frustrated about something and I would get on my knees and I would say, eye to eye, "I see you're frustrated that Thomas didn't stay on the track. That can be really hard to try so hard to get him up there. How can I help you keep the train on the track or build a different track? And what's your plan B if Thomas doesn't stay on the track?" 

 

I mean, I was doing plan B's with Bryce since he was like three years old, and I still do it, and he's a senior at Georgia Tech. He just recently called and said, "Well, my group's not getting together for the final. I don't know how I'm going to study." You know what my response was? "What's your plan B?" And he had one. He still had to get that out as a blue, that his plan didn't go as he had planned. [00:17:07] 

 

Laura Dugger: Very helpful for parents. Let's just approach this topic. We'll back up another step from a broader view now. How does an understanding of the temperaments lead someone to more clearly live out their God-given purpose? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: When you accept how you're wired and you don't listen to the world of what you're supposed to be, especially if you're a young couple or you're a young mom and your passion... You know, the word "enthusiasm" means God within. 

 

So when we can stay focused and accept how God wired us and not be told that another temperament's better or you're comparing and looking side to side, but you really sit in that acceptance, and then you really work on feeding your own soul and understanding your innate needs and finding that you can choose to stay in your strengths, all of a sudden that application gives you such freedom that you automatically stop looking side to side. [00:18:11] 

 

And you're looking straight ahead to honor God with how he wired you. Because you came in this world alone, you're going to leave alone. So you want to do every day. Our biggest misconception is that we have time. So we got to think time is a value. It's a gift. I've been given it right now. How am I going to first and foremost love myself and my wiring from God and live out that so that I can do what I'm supposed to do? And that is love others better. 

 

Laura Dugger: And what is your vision for everyone listening? Do you have any final tips that you want to leave them with today? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: I would say patience and speaking kind. I mean, I've been doing this for 30 years and my train still goes off the track once in a while. This is a journey. This isn't something that you're going to conquer right out of the gate. It's gonna take practice. So I would ask that they don't lose heart but that they really keep immersing themselves in knowing themselves and knowing others and watching the words that they use. [00:19:11] Because words matter. They matter. They're life or death. 

 

So we really just want to stay there and really pause and think about how we're talking to ourselves and others, and know that eventually, before you know it, it won't be something that you're doing. Just like God didn't ask us to do a witness, He asked us to be a witness. I'm not asking anybody to do the temperaments. I'm asking you to marinate in it so much that it just becomes who you are. That just kind words flow out of your mouth because they're coming from your heart. 

 

Laura Dugger: Thanks to your help sharing episodes and reposting our content on social media. The Savvy Sauce has grown to being streamed in all 50 United States and over 85 countries around the world. If you want to partner with us in sharing the joy of The Savvy Sauce, will you please consider becoming a patron today? 

 

You can join the club for as little as $2 per month, and in addition to some free perks, you will be helping us spread our mission, which is this: we exist to invite you to a space to meet with Jesus and be filled to overflowing. [00:20:19] Please consider joining us today by visiting thesavvysauce.com and clicking on the Patreon tab. Now back to the show. 

 

Do you have any recommended next steps from here? And also, is there a place where listeners can follow up with you online? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: They can go to kathleenedelman.com or they can go to isaidyouheard.study. You know, 30 years, not all my content but the foundational part of my content is in the book, I Said This, You Heard That. I would start there. And it really just will give everybody the biggest kickstart and some foundational resources to look back on for their family and every relationship. I would definitely start there. 

 

Laura Dugger: And as always, we will definitely link to that in the show notes, and then we'll put a link as well on our resources tab on our website. 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Oh, please do. And the videos that go along with the book are free, which I thought that was a brilliant decision made on the people who did the videos, because that's how passionate we are about getting this message out. [00:21:28] 

 

Laura Dugger: Great videos to get to actually talk to everybody in that temperament. Our friends listening know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so, Kathleen, I have one final question for you today. What is your savvy sauce? 

 

Kathleen Edelman: I really, every day, ask God to make sure that I just spend some of that space and silence time making sure that I'm doing something that feeds my own soul. And I'm not talking about reading my Bible or doing devotionals. What actually do I love? Like, what am I going to do that really makes me walk away and go, oh, that was really fun. It might be a lunch with a friend or like, you may laugh at this, but I've been terrified of horses my whole life. So I'm currently meeting with a girlfriend that is a horse trainer. So, I'm going to conquer that in the next couple years. I'm going to see if I can't ride a horse. [00:22:30] 

 

Laura Dugger: Kathleen, you are such a thoughtful and kind woman and this has been a really enriching interview. So, thank you for just doing an excellent work and then sharing it with all of us. 

 

Kathleen Edelman: Well, I could not thank you enough for having me. 

 

Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.

 

This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:23:30] 

 

This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. 

 

We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 

 

So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:24:34] 

 

If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him. 

 

At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?

 

First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. 

 

Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. 

 

We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:25:35] 

 

Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. 

 

If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.