64 Stress Management, Self-Care, and Offering Grace to Important People in Our Life with Author and Speaker, Jill Savage

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64. Stress Management, Self-Care, and Offering Grace to Important People in Our Life with Author and Speaker, Jill Savage

 

**Transcription Below**

 

1 Timothy 6:6 (NIV) “But godliness with contentment is great gain.” 

Jill Savage is an author and speaker who is passionate about encouraging families. She is the author or co-author of twelve books. Featured on Focus on the Family, Crosswalk.com, Family Life Today and Today’s Christian Woman magazine, Jill is the founder of Hearts at Home, an organization that encouraged moms from 1994-2017. Jill and her husband, Mark, have five children, three who are married, two granddaughters and one grandson. They make their home in Normal, Illinois.

 

At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. 

 

Jill Savage’s Website

Books by Jill Savage:

Living With Less So Your Family Has More

No More Perfect Moms

Professionalizing Motherhood

Better Together by Jill Savage and Anne McClane

No More Perfect Marriages  by Mark and Jill Savage

No More Perfect Kids by Jill Savage and Dr. Kathy Koch

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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

 

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

 

Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

 

Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” 

 

Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” 

 

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

 

Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” 

 

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

 

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” 

 

Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

 

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

 

Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

 

Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

 

Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

 

Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

 

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

 

**Transcription**

 

Laura Dugger: Hey everyone, I just want to take 60 seconds and give you our family update. If you don't follow The Savvy Sauce on social media, you may not know that Mark and I had our fourth daughter, Kessler Story. 

 

About two months ago, we did sneak the baby announcement into Episode 31 when Mark was my co-host for an interview we did with Clay Scroggins way back in December. Since her birth, so many of you have sent encouraging messages, you've brought us meals, prayed for our family transition, and even sent gifts. So we just want to say a huge thank you to each of you. We are so humbled at the impact of community, and we love you all so much. 

 

Also, if you want to follow us on social media, you can find us on Instagram and Facebook at The Savvy Sauce. We would love to continue the conversation with you there after each episode. 

 

[00:00:57] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. 

 

[00:01:13] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: I just want to let you know that there is a portion of this message that contains topics that are not suitable for little ears. Please use discretion when you listen. 

 

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Author and speaker Jill Savage joins us today to articulate how we can enjoy the richness of relationships with our friends, our children, and our spouse. She will also share more about her own personal story, including the things that she's so thankful she did as a young wife and mom that have paid great dividends now as an empty nester who is happily married. 

 

You don't want to miss all these practical and fun life applications. Here's our chat. [00:02:21] 

 

Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jill. 

 

Jill Savage: Well, thank you. It's good to be with you. 

 

Laura Dugger: Well, I know that we're going to cover so many topics today, but will you start us off by telling us a bit more about your family and your ministry? 

 

Jill Savage: Absolutely. I am a mother of five, and I am Nana to three. We live in Normal, Illinois, and we have a lot of fun with that name. Our kids went to Normal schools, we go to a Normal church. 

 

Honestly, my life work is about helping people know what is normal in motherhood, in marriage, life and for us to learn to accept what is normal and learn how to embrace the imperfect in our life. So I have a real heartbeat, particularly for moms and marriages. 

 

My kids are all grown. The youngest is 23 and the oldest is 34. So they are all young adults. My husband and I are empty nesters. In fact, I have a new book coming out called Empty Nest, Full Life. So I'm really excited about that as well. [00:03:29] 

 

Bottom line, I minister to moms and marriages. I led the ministry Hearts at Home for 24 years, which was an organization that encouraged moms. 

 

Then for the last couple of years, my husband and I have launched what we call JAM Savage Ministries, which stands for Jill and Mark Savage Ministries. We do marriage coaching, marriage retreats, I speak at women's events, and do a lot of ministry online through the blog, and just absolutely love bringing hope and help to moms and marriages. 

 

Laura Dugger: Well, your bio is remarkable. You've spoken to so many audiences and I know that one of your popular topics is living with less so your family has more. Will you elaborate on that vision? 

 

Jill Savage: Yeah. Living With Less was one of my favorite books. It's no longer in print, but there's lots of used copies out there. And it's in the library system as well. [00:04:33] 

 

But the concept of living with less so your family has more is that we can live with less stress, less activities, and less money than what is culturally acceptable. And bottom line, living with less so your family has more is about standing up to adult peer pressure. 

 

Whether we realize it or not, whether we label it that or not, the truth is we all deal with peer pressure in some way, shape, or form. And so that's really what living with less so your family has more is about, is learning to do the right thing for your family regardless of whether it's the popular thing that others are doing. 

 

Laura Dugger: Where do you see our culture having abundant excess currently and what is actually limiting that we might be unaware of? 

 

Jill Savage: Well, I think that as moms, as parents, we want to give our kids the best. So we want to give them every opportunity. [00:05:33] We want to make sure that they are able to try all the sports and that they have music lessons and all of that, which is important and it's valuable. And our kids do need to find out where their talents lie and have the opportunity to try things. 

 

But I think that sometimes what we miss is that sometimes they need time with us, not just time when we are going back and forth to activities. They need white space in their life. In the same way that we can read a book because of the white space around the edges on the margin and behind the words, we need white space in our life. 

 

And oftentimes we are just filling, filling, filling our kids' schedules and our own schedules, and that may not actually be what they need. So we can live with less activities so we can enjoy more quality time. We can live with less money so that we can enjoy maybe a simpler home environment where maybe one parent is at home and one is working. [00:06:44] 

 

So sometimes we are only thinking about the things that bring more by doing more. And what we have to realize is when we actually slow down our pace down, we can actually experience more. And sometimes that “more” is a more in our soul. That's really what we need to experience as well as our kids. 

 

Laura Dugger: I just think it's fascinating to hear you talk about this because we're hearing so much about the minimalist movement. Do you have any personal stories of how your family executed this idea? 

 

Jill Savage: Well, you know one thing, for instance, when our kids were growing up, we didn't have cable television. I mean a lot of people did but we didn't. It came down to money. We were a one-income family. My husband was working full-time, I was a stay-at-home mom. 

 

There were things we wanted to do. Each of our kids could only do one activity. You know, did they want to do more than that? Sure they did. But when we looked at it and we said, all right, there is the possibility of you being able to do all these activities, there's the possibility of us having cable television, you name it, whatever else we wanted. [00:08:00] But in order to do that, I have to go to work. I have to work outside the home. 

 

So when we look at what that will cost us, is that in line with our values? And it wasn't. We had to look at it and go, no, it's not a trade-off we want to make. 

 

Every family has to decide what's right for them. We could make it in this world on one income. One time... I will never forget this. It was an article in our local newspaper, and they asked this question. They said, is it really about the high cost of living, or is it about the high cost of the way we choose to live? 

 

I can remember reading that and that just really stuck with me. Because I was like, wow, I need that reminder. And I realized, no, we are choosing to live without cable television. We are choosing to live without extra activities that our kids do. [00:09:03] We are choosing to buy clothes at a second-hand store rather than new clothes. But we are choosing to do that because we value that one of us is home at least during this particular season of our life. 

 

Laura Dugger: And you've published so many books in addition to sending out a newsletter periodically. But in one of those newsletters, I remember you wrote that the typical mom has about 17 minutes a day to herself. And I think you're very accurate. So it leads me into another question. Why are you so passionate to help women understand that taking care of themselves is actually taking care of their family? 

 

Jill Savage: I'll tell you what, anything that I'm passionate about is because of my own journey in that area. You know, in the beginning when my husband and I got married, for us the stick turned blue at 11 months. So we obviously had a baby nine months later, so we hadn't even been married two years before we began our family. [00:10:12] 

 

Of course, what every mom does, you throw yourself into this. I found myself feeling very overwhelmed with life. I was also going to school full-time at the time. I had this new little baby, really was somewhat newly married, and I really didn't take care of myself. I found that I was, for a lack of a better word or a better description, I was broken down on the side of the road and somebody had to rescue me. 

 

I knew that this was not healthy. I had to figure out something different. So I began to really explore first, what is my fuel? What fills me up? Honestly, that is as different as every mom out there has a different kind of fuel. What fuels one mom, it may not fuel her best friend. So we have to know ourselves and identify what our fuel is. [00:11:13] 

 

As I began to identify that, then I began to realize that I needed to pull up the filling station on a regular basis. And that when I did that, yes, it might take time away from my kids, I might need time alone, but when I did that, I was actually able to be a better mom, to be a better wife. So I was then serving my family out of the fullness of my tank instead of trying to serve them on an empty tank. 

 

So that's why I'm so passionate about encouraging moms to identify their fuel and then to be intentional about pulling up to that filling station. And to recognize that when you do that, it's not selfish. Self-care is not selfish. It is really a part of your job description of taking care of your family and taking care of your marriage. You first have to take care of yourself so you have something to give to them. [00:12:15] 

 

Laura Dugger: How do we know then if we're not getting enough self-care or if we're getting too much? Or do you even think that's possible to get too much? 

 

Jill Savage: I suppose it's possible. I haven't met very many moms who have too much self-care. And I've been in mom ministry for almost 30 years now. I think I would have met a few along the way. 

 

But I think that the first place that we have to look is, how are we handling the everyday stuff of life? When milk gets spilled, are we losing it? Or I like to say, are we reacting or are we responding? Are we reacting in anger and maybe shame and raised voice or are we responding in grace, in kindness, in sensitivity, and compassion?

 

When we pay attention to our reactions, it's a clue. Because the reason we react is most often because our own tank is empty and we just literally have no gas in the gas tank to handle what just happened. [00:13:25] And as you and I both know, anything that we deal with with kids, it is just a constant need to respond. 

 

I think the first place that we need to recognize and maybe we have a red flag that goes up if our responses are more reactions and we're not happy with who we are in those unexpected moments of motherhood, which there are dozens a day, then that's a clue that we need to be a little bit more intentional about self-care. 

 

Laura Dugger: Do you have any ideas for true self-care? 

 

Jill Savage: So I think the first thing with self-care is spiritually we have to make sure we're filling our tank. That we are being intentional about connecting to the God who created us and who designed us to do motherhood with Him. I think that is something we all need. 

 

The second part of self-care is we need to know what is our own personal temperament. I would start with extrovert, introvert. Because an extrovert is refueled by being with people. An introvert is refueled by being alone. [00:14:37] So you need to know which one are you and therefore what fuel do you need? 

 

So I didn't understand the introvert extrovert thing for many years. In fact, I thought I was an extrovert. I have pretty good people skills. I'm fine being with people, but I crave being alone. And here I was a mom of five children, five kids, you're hardly ever alone. 

 

I remember when the number four came along... we adopted number five. So this was when number four was infant. I remember my husband coming home from work one day... as you can imagine, you know, if you hit number four... you hit number three, and you're outnumbered. 

 

So here's number four, and we're double outnumbered. And I remember saying to my husband, and I was desperate, I said, "I want to cut a deal with you." And he was like, "A deal? What are you talking about?" And I'm like, when you get home from work, I need 30 minutes, 30 minutes in the bedroom by myself." And he was like, "Okay." I said, "I don't know what it is. I just feel like I need a break." [00:15:45] 

 

So we began to call that daddy wrestle time. The kids knew when dad came home, he changed into comfortable clothes and then the kids had time with him and I would go in the bedroom, close the door. And I took my Bible with me and I took the newspaper with me. Because I just felt like I didn't even know what day of the week it was. I didn't know what was going on in the world. I was just so knee-deep in taking care of my family. 

 

And that little 30 minutes would just fill up my tank enough to get through the evening to get the kids in bed. And then I'd have a couple of hours after the kids were in bed before I went to bed, which would fill up my tank for the next day. 

 

So I think that it's really important for us to understand what does fill my tank from an introvert, extrovert perspective. And then beyond that, the question is, what activities do I do that bring me life? [00:16:45] You know, what is it that when I do it I lose track of time because I just love it?

 

That may take a little longer for someone to figure out. But I think all three of those, spending time with God, identifying if you're introvert or extrovert, and if you need people or you need quiet, and then what are the activities that bring you life? 

 

And then what we have to do is we have to intentionally put those things into our life. We have to schedule appointments on our calendar with ourselves, for ourselves, so that we protect those filling up times so that we can then be good for our family outside of those times.

 

The key is to identify what your fuel is and then make sure that you put it into your life proactively rather than reactively. Because when we try to do it reactively, man, we're on an empty tank and it takes a lot more to fill. [00:17:44] 

 

Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor. 

 

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So, again, that's fabfitfun.com, and enter the code SAVVY at checkout to get $10 off your first box. This brings the total down to $39.99. I hope you enjoy your subscription as much as I have. Thanks for your sponsorship. [00:19:19] 

 

Laura Dugger: Many of our listeners are female, and they can probably relate to being over-committed or stressed out. So what are some strategies that you've found to be most helpful as it relates to stress management? 

 

Jill Savage: The first one that comes to my mind is learning to say no. And I think as women, we really struggle with this. I think we want to say yes. We desire to please. But I think that there are some very practical ways that we can learn to say no that may be helpful. 

 

So let me share a few of those. The first one is never say yes on the spot. Never say yes on the spot. Because what we need to do is we need to step back and kind of take a deep breath, look at the big picture, and identify, can I realistically do what I've been asked to do? Is this a good time for me? Do I have the margin in my life? [00:20:18] 

 

I'll give you a personal example of a time where I had this rule in place and I broke it and I paid for breaking it. I had somebody approach me at church one Sunday. And this was just a couple of weeks before the Hearts at Home conference. This Heart at Home conference, for those that don't know about it, was a big conference. Usually 4,000 to 6,000 moms attend these conferences. 

 

I had a message to prepare. I had all kinds of things. You know, I had to get ready for the conference. And this person said, "Hey Jill, you know, Dave and Amanda are... Amanda's on bed rest with the twins and we're doing meals and I'm wondering if you could provide a meal for them this Thursday." I quickly thought about it and I'm like, "Well, it's a meal and I have to prepare a meal for my family, so why don't I just double it? It's really not a big deal." And I said yes on the spot. [00:21:18] 

 

So that was Sunday. Get through the week and it's Thursday. And I have had a lot on my plate. I'm doing all kinds of things to get ready for this conference, but I managed to make a really nice meal for my family. We had... I can even remember it. We had meatloaf and baked potatoes and green beans. And I made these yummy rolls. It was way better than the frozen pizza we had the night before. 

 

So we sat down to dinner and my husband was like, "Oh, Jill, this meal is so good." He's like, "Is this what you took to Dave and Amanda tonight?" And all of a sudden, I was mortified. "Oh my gosh! Is today Thursday? I completely forgot it. I completely forgot." 

 

I looked at the clock. It was 6:30. I was supposed to have a meal to them at 5:00. I immediately ran, grabbed my phone, called, Amanda picked up the phone just laughing and she was like, "It's okay Jill." And I'm like, "Oh, I should have never said yes because it's two weeks before the conference. I am so sorry." I mean, I'm apologizing up one side down the other. [00:22:25]  

 

And bless her heart. She was like we have leftovers. We have more than enough food. We're fine. I could just kick myself. Had I not said yes on the spot and stepped back and really thought about it, the better answer would have been, Thank you for asking me. This is not a good time for me to add anything else to my plate. If you would ask me again in three weeks, which I knew that they still would need meals at that time, I would be happy to. 

 

That would have been a much better response and a much better way for me to have said no, and it would have ended better for her, and it would have ended better for me. 

 

Laura Dugger: What encouragement do you want to offer the listeners as it relates to friendship in all seasons of life? 

 

Jill Savage: Friendship has been a learning curve for me because I grew up having guy friends, not very many girlfriends. And I was fine with that. I found female friendships to be, oh, a little dramatic, a little complicated. [00:23:32] 

 

So I found myself very content with a few guy friendships that I had growing up. Got married. Of course, I left many of those friendships behind. We had some couple friends. But when I became a mom I began to realize that I really did need other women in my life. I needed other women who understood my life, who understood the very things that I struggled with, who maybe were a step ahead of me in one area or another that I could learn from. So I really had to be intentional about beginning to forge those female friendships. 

 

Eventually, I wrote a book on that topic along with my daughter and came out just a couple of years ago called Better Together: Because You're Not Meant to Mom Alone. None of us are meant to mom alone. But let's be honest, many of us still feel like when we are dealing with friendships, we're dealing with the same feelings we had in junior high. [00:24:35] 

 

We sometimes feel outside the circle. We have trouble connecting. We fear rejection. We struggle reaching out. Sometimes that's because of the fear of rejection. Sometimes we just simply don't know how. We've heard in the past. 

 

So I think every mom struggles through that. But what we have to learn is that we really aren't designed to do this alone and that we need to be intentional about forging those relationships. 

 

Now, introvert/extrovert plays into this as well. And I never knew this until several years ago. But extroverts will have a wide circle of friends. Introverts will have just two or three close friends and a very narrow circle. And that's perfectly normal for both. So you need to know which you are and you need to embrace kind of the friendship temperament that you will have as well. [00:25:35] 

 

Laura Dugger: You especially illustrated that friendship adds such a sweetness and a richness to life. So do you have any actionable steps we can take today to become a better friend or bravely reach out to connect with others? 

 

Jill Savage: Well, I would say just do it. Whatever it is. Maybe you know someone that is going through a difficult time. You know, maybe it's a neighbor. Maybe it's somebody in your mom's group. Maybe it's somebody at work. What is one thing that would just lighten their load? Just do it. 

 

Maybe you need to build your friendship circle. Maybe your friends have moved away. Maybe you've always struggled in this area and it's time for you to pick up the phone and literally say, Hey would you like to meet for coffee? Just do it. Just do it. Are you going to have to find courage to do this? Are you going to have to push through fear, push through rejection? Yes, you might have to. [00:26:41] 

 

But, you know, in the past eight years, I have walked through a breast cancer. I have walked through my husband's infidelity and leaving, eventually coming home and us restoring our marriage, but that was a really dark season. I have walked through a son with severe mental health issues and several suicide attempts. 

 

And in all three of those life-shattering situations, it was the women who just simply did it that made all the difference in the world. They didn't ask me what I needed. They didn't say, Hey, if you need something, just let me know. 

 

They literally showed up on the doorstep with a casserole or sent a gift card to go get pizza or called from the grocery store and said, Hey, I'm at the grocery. Is there anything that you need? They just did it. They didn't ask. They just did. [00:27:45] And I think we can all take that actionable next step in many different situations. 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh Jill, thank you for sharing your trials with such authenticity. You've been through so much, and yet you model freely offering grace. So I'm curious, from your experience, has it been harder to forgive the big and obvious transgressions in your family or the smaller daily frustrations in marriage and family life? 

 

Jill Savage: I think the everyday stuff is hard. Certainly, infidelity is huge. I don't minimize that in any way shape or form. We had nearly two years of healing from that. But it's that every day live next to each other, bump into each other's imperfect that really causes challenges for most of us. 

 

I would say that's the place where God has really grown me and there's been a softening in my life of handling those everyday things better and with more grace. In the past, I was characterized by judgment. I was characterized by criticism. [00:29:04] I was characterized by maybe a tone of voice that said a million words that I would never say, but my tone said. 

 

And most of that kind of stuff comes out in just the everyday stuff of life. Not the big things, but the little things that grate against each other all the time. And so I think that while it was really difficult in the big place, and it certainly took a lot of hard work, I think where most of us struggle is just the daily imperfect stuff of life that we deal with all the time. And I think the more we can learn to respond in a kind, grace-filled, compassionate way, the better our relationships will be. 

 

Laura Dugger: Hi friends! You've heard us request that you take a moment to rate and review us on iTunes, and I just want to give you a quick explanation of why that is so important. If you have enjoyed the content this far on The Savvy Sauce, this is just a simple way you can express your gratitude. Because when you give us a 5-star rating and written review, it helps us gain more listeners, which in turn leads to better guests and more sponsors who make the future of The Savvy Sauce possible. Thank you for taking a moment to help us out so that we can all grow together. [00:30:30]  

 

All of your books have so much to say about grace, and I'd love to zero in on one topic specifically. How do you recommend that we give grace to our family, even if it's hard or we believe they don't deserve it? 

 

Jill Savage: You know, the only way we can give grace is if we receive grace. And we receive grace from God who gives it freely. We can't earn it. It is a free gift. Grace is when we get mercy instead of punishment. I like to say with our family that we need to be giving them grace space. And that is the space to be human, the space to make mistakes and not get raked over the coals for every wrong little thing that they do. 

 

You know, an example of this in my own life is my husband loves his coffee. He also manages to drip coffee all over my freshly mopped kitchen floor. A lot. [00:31:36] I used to kind of operate with forgiveness... And grace requires forgiveness. But I would forgive, I would think to myself, Okay, Lord, I forgive him for this coffee splotch. I'm going to clean it up. But I would address it with my husband. I would say, Hey, babe, could you be more careful when you are getting your coffee because there's just splotches all over the floor? 

 

And I realized several years ago that I was going to change my strategy for responding to his coffee splotches and I was going to give grace instead. And what that means is, yes, I forgive him each time I clean it up, but I'm choosing that for the rest of my married life I will serve my husband and clean up his coffee splotches and say nothing. That's what grace space looks like. 

 

It's allowing someone to be human and to determine that you're going to live next to their imperfect and you're not going to try to change every imperfect thing about them. [00:32:40] 

 

Laura Dugger: You were just refreshingly transparent. I'm curious, as you reflect back on your years of marriage, what are the things that you're most grateful you did early on that you're seeing the fruit or the blessing of now after many years together? 

 

Jill Savage: Well, I would definitely say taking time away from the kids I think was huge and important. We learned early on that we needed to be marriage-centered, not child-centered. In the beginning, we were child-centered, but we learned that lesson the hard way. 

 

We ended up in the counselor's office sorting through all kinds of junk. And one of the things we realized is that our kids were coming before our marriage and honestly that wasn't doing us any good and it wasn't doing them any good. 

 

I think that that is really, really important that we take time away. And whether that is a once-a-week date night, a once-every-other-week date night, and maybe a once-a-year getaway, maybe on your anniversary, I think that it's extremely important. [00:33:46] 

 

It's important for you as a parent and as a couple because we need to have fun together. We need to explore the world together. We need to remember who we are outside of being parents. 

 

But the second thing is it sets a role model for our kids. And I think that is extremely important that our kids see that mommies and daddies need to take time for each other. And not only that but in your kid's world, you are their world. And so if you're okay, then their world is okay. So it provides security for your kids as well. 

 

Laura Dugger: Would they echo that now that they're adults? Are they glad that you and your husband took time away from them to invest in one another? 

 

Jill Savage: Oh, absolutely. Our oldest daughter even can remember before we did when we were child-centered versus marriage-centered. And she can remember that switchover because she was probably close to 12 at the time that we made that switchover. And certainly, she has seen that. [00:34:53] 

 

And she and her husband have carried it forth into their marriage. So they take time. Oftentimes we help with kids, they trade with other couples, they find a sitter. I mean, they use all kinds of strategies for child care so that they get some time with each other. 

 

Laura Dugger: When you're in the middle of parenting, you may be blinded that your family is actually very child-centered. So are there any red flags or identifiers? 

 

Jill Savage: Well, I would say one is, particularly us moms, we can easily look at our husbands and go, hey, you can dress yourself, you can feed yourself. Quite frankly, you can take care of yourself in the bathroom. Everybody else needs me, you're on your own buddy. You know, we don't want to do that. 

 

But oftentimes a desperate mom who is just exhausted so easily goes there. And that would be a red flag if you thought about that. It's like, Hey these kids need me. You're a big boy, take care of yourself. That's a red flag. That's not healthy thinking. [00:36:02] 

 

Another red flag would be you know I don't want to leave the kids. Being fearful of actually leaving the kids because really you're putting your kids before your marriage. In order to have time for just the two of you have to be willing to leave them. 

 

Of course, when they're little and they're nursing or something like that, you may have shorter date nights, but they're still very important to have. I think a lot of times it comes down to the thinking that we have. Sometimes it can even be about physical intimacy in marriage. Like if it's just one more thing on the to-do list, that is a clue, a) that you probably need some refueling, self-care time. b) that you've really forgotten the importance of both emotional and physical intimacy. 

 

That would probably be the other piece that I think would be a red flag is, if all you're talking about is diapers and dishes, that is a clue that things are getting real surface. [00:37:11] So one of the things my husband and I created several years ago is something called No More Perfect Date Night. It's actually a membership site for couples, it's a club for your marriage where we give couples something to watch together. 

 

It's usually just anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes in length. It might be an interview with a marriage expert or it might be taking a topic and talking about it for 10 minutes and then discussion questions to go deeper. Because what often happens is we just get talking about the dailiness of life and we stop talking about our feelings and our dreams and our hopes and our fears and our struggles. So we need to keep that going even when life becomes very daily, because that is what human connection is all about. 

 

Laura Dugger: Do you have any practical strategies that you implemented to keep your marriage a higher priority than your parenting? 

 

Jill Savage: Well, definitely. I think date night was sacred. We did not have family around and we didn't have money to hire a sitter. [00:38:19] So the only thing we could do is find other couples to trade with. So like we would trade every Friday night. There was one couple we traded with. Our date nights would go from Friday night to Saturday at noon. So it included an overnight. 

 

So it was making those sacred and saying nothing unless you know there's some requirement for your job or somebody's sick or something like that. Friday nights were sacred. We either were watching our friends' kids, which honestly gave us great time because our kids played well together, even if their kids were at our house, or our kids were at their house. And we were having time, just the two of us. 

 

So I would say that was a huge piece. And then asking each other questions that went deeper than, how was your day? We might say, how can I pray for you? What was the best thing that happened today? What was the hardest thing that happened today? Those require just a little bit deeper conversation and they help us stay connected to what's happening in each of our individual worlds. [00:39:25] 

 

When we started asking questions like that, it really began to make a difference for us in the depth of our relationship. 

 

Laura Dugger: Will you give us an overview of some of the resources that you've published and then direct listeners where they can connect with you online? 

 

Jill Savage: Absolutely. The best place to connect with me online is at jillsavage.org. That's where you're going to find my blog. It's where you're going to find my books. The books that we talked about today, Living With Less So Your Family Has More. We got into a little bit of the No More Perfect Moms book and the No More Perfect Marriages book that we have as well. 

 

And if couples are looking to take date night to a new level or to take their marriage to a new place and deepen their conversations, we encourage them to become a No More Perfect Date Night member. If somebody is listening to this, we'll even offer a special just for you, your listeners. If they use the coupon code seminar, and that would be S-E-M-I-N-A-R, they can get $5 off a month for No More Perfect Date Night. So we would love to have them. They can go to nomoreperfectdatenight.com to learn more about that. [00:40:46] 

 

If registration is closed for Date Night, have them connect with me through my website and we will make sure that they get in. 

 

Laura Dugger: We will link to all of those websites and resources in the show notes. Our listeners know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. So, Jill, I have one final question for you today. What is your savvy sauce? 

 

Jill Savage: I was thinking about it as it relates to friendship. We were talking about friendship and it is a phrase that I say to myself all the time when I am tempted to compare or feel less than or in some cases we feel better than if we see somebody that doesn't look like they've got their act together. But it is the phrase, she has a backstory I don't know. 

 

And whether it's the woman standing in front of you in the checkout line at the grocery store or a mom that you're looking at across the room at your child's school, or somebody that you see at church every Sunday, we don't know their stuff. We don't know what they're carrying. [00:42:00] 

 

And I think it's fair to say that all of us are hurting in some way, shape, or form in some part of our life much of the time. I once heard somebody say that 95% of life is hard. If you're in that 5%, great, enjoy it. But 95% is hard. 

 

When I say that to myself, she has a backstory I don't know, it pulls me back from the ledge of comparison and plants me on the firm foundation of reality. And that is a gift I give to myself. It's a gift I give to others as well. 

 

Laura Dugger: Jill, thank you so much for being vulnerable. Your humility just has a way of pointing us back to God, who is the author and perfecter of our faith. So thank you very much for joining us today. 

 

Jill Savage: Thanks for having me. 

 

Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. [00:43:00] Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.

 

This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.

 

This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. 

 

We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. [00:44:02] Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 

 

So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. 

 

If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him. 

 

At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?

 

First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. [00:45:08] Start by reading the book of John. 

 

Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. 

 

We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. 

 

Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. 

 

If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time. [00:46:03]