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Practical Chats for Intentional Living
Episodes
Monday Sep 24, 2018
Monday Sep 24, 2018
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is brought to you by Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Stay tuned for insider tips we're going to share during the episode.
Y'all are in for a treat. I get to say "y'all" because today we have a lovely Southern woman as our guest. Karen Stubbs is the founder of the non-profit ministry for moms called Birds on a Wire.
Karen resides in Atlanta with her husband, Greg. They have successfully launched their four adult children. She was traveling to central Illinois for one of her programs, and so I had the pleasure of interviewing her in person.
The night before we recorded, we went out to a local pizza place to get to know each other better. She is the real deal. She is so full of joy and willing to answer any question on motherhood. [00:01:13]
In this episode, we discuss how to take care of ourselves as moms, where to find wisdom for our daily tasks of motherhood, and how to be a student of our children. So here's today's episode with Karen Stubbs.
Good morning, Karen. Thanks so much for joining us at The Savvy Sauce today.
Karen Stubbs: Thank you so much, Laura, for having me.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. Well, you are the guru on motherhood, so we're going to camp out there today. It's so common to hear as a mom that mom guilt never goes away. What is your advice for moms who are battling guilt?
Karen Stubbs: You're right. It is such a go-to because we just feel bad, you know, all the time. Like we feel bad whenever our child gets hurt. We feel bad whenever we've disciplined and they say, "Mommy, you hurt my feelings. You're making me sad." Then we're like, "Oh, I don't want to make them sad," you know, kind of thing.
But I think we just have to ask ourselves a question: Have we committed a sin? If you've not committed a sin, it's not your fault that they fell and scraped their knees. [00:02:17] It's not your fault that they feel bad that you've disciplined them. They should feel bad. They got in trouble. And we want to spare them from all these negative feelings, but that's life.
So we just got to realize this is part of growing up. And if I keep my child from all these things that might potentially hurt them, hurt their feelings, whatever, I'm really doing them a disservice because whenever they go out into the world they're just going to be trampled on and that's going to bring a lot of anxiety and that kind of thing. So you just have to ask yourself, am I committing a sin here?
Now, if you are constantly screaming at your child, abusing them, locking them in a closet, yeah, you should feel guilty about that. That's not a good thing. You know what I'm saying? So you're like, "Yeah, I just committed a sin. I shouldn't have treated my child that way. That wasn't nice of me." You know what I'm saying? But if you're doing your mom duties, then you don't need to feel guilty. [00:03:17]
Don't feel guilty because you get frustrated with your children because we all get frustrated with our children. Because we want them to do certain things and they don't do it, and that frustrates us. That's human nature.
Laura Dugger: Which leads us into the next question. You mentioned that being a mom is hard. Why should we expect it to be difficult?
Karen Stubbs: Well, it is. It's just really difficult. Our responsibility is to train up our child in the way they should go. That's what God tells us. He also tells us that children are to obey our parents. But it's hard, because as much as we are trying to teach them, guide them, influence their decisions, they are pushing against us at every turn, every step.
It starts when they're toddlers, and it doesn't ever stop. You know, in the teen years, they're still pushing against you. So it's hard. We feel like we're going up a mountain with a backpack on, carrying a suitcase. [00:04:20] You know what I mean? And you're just trudging through. And that's what it is like being a mom. It is hard. But God tells us that He's there with us and He's going to guide us. He's going to give us wisdom. So we just need to start really leaning into Him.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. For you personally, raising four children with a husband that traveled frequently, what was hard for you during different seasons of motherhood?
Karen Stubbs: Oh, gosh. Do we have all day? What was hard? Just doing it alone a lot of the time was hard. Not having Greg to have my back. There was no "we're going to talk about this when your dad gets home because he may not be home for two weeks."
I mean, I really have a huge heart for single moms because they do it all the time. At least Greg did come home. You know what I'm saying? Single moms, it's all on their shoulders.
What else was hard? Those younger years were really hard. Just because they're all young, they're all little, you just can't ever do enough no matter what you do. "I want more. Mommy this, mommy this, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy." I told you yesterday I just got so sick of hearing the word "mommy". [00:05:29]
And then it's hard when they're young physically. When they're teenagers, it's hard emotionally because now we've upped the stakes of the game and their actions and their choices have lifelong consequences sometimes. So you get even more crazy.
As a mom and you're like, "Oh, for the love, you know, this is really a big deal. It wasn't a big deal when you were four. But now you're, you know, 17 and this is a big deal." It's just hard.
Laura Dugger: Maybe that's one of the reasons that you've always mentioned on your own podcast that it's important for moms to take care of themselves. What does that actually look like, practically speaking? How can a mom take good care of herself?
Karen Stubbs: I think it's a balancing act. I think of baby, infant season, that's a time where you got to be all in because that baby is just so dependent on you. There's not a lot of self-care during that time. [00:06:26] You're getting up in the middle of the night. You are nursing. If you are nursing, you feel like a human cow. But if you're not nursing, you're still getting up in the middle of the night.
So you walk around with bags under your eyes. You try to sleep in the afternoon, maybe they don't take a good nap that day. That's just a hard time. Period. And you've got to be there for the baby, because the baby cannot obviously feed themselves.
As the baby gets older, I just think it's different for different people. Some moms really need to read a book by themselves. You know, maybe just find 30 minutes in the afternoon to flip through a magazine, to read a book, whatever helps her. For me, I like taking bubble baths at night. That's relaxing to me.
I used to get sitters in the middle of the day just to even go to the grocery store because that was just nice for me to walk through the grocery store without having four kids, putting things in the buggy. "No, we're not gonna have that cereal this week. Put that back. No, we're just coming in here to get diapers and milk and fruit and that's it." And then you walk out and you've got $150 in your buggy and you're like, "What in the world?" you know? [00:07:36]
Maybe it is going to Starbucks, swinging by Starbucks and just getting yourself your special drink and everybody else saying, "I want blah, blah, blah," and you're like, "Nope, this is just a mommy day. This is a mommy drink and you're not going to have any mommy drinks and no, you will not have a sip. This is just for me."
Sometimes it's just when you go through the grocery store and you see the fresh-cut flowers, you just say, "You know what? I'm going to get those." And you put them in your buggy, and you put them in a vase when you get home. And every time you walk by, you just, "Oh, that's beautiful and that brings me joy."
It could be something as simple as that to something as taking a girls weekend trip and getting away. It just depends on what stage of life you're in.
Laura Dugger: That's great. I love how you mention a balance. Do you think that there's any signals that would let us know as a mom if we're getting too much self-care or not enough?
Karen Stubbs: Oh, that's a great question. Well, most of us don't have to worry about too much self-care because usually our husbands or our children will be like, "Hey babe, you've got your nails done five times this month and I think that's a little much," or whatever. [00:08:46]
On the other side, I think whenever you are just in a constant state of frustration, you know what I'm saying, that's a good sign that you need a break. Whenever you find yourself, I am constantly yelling at my kids for no reason, you know, I mean, they're just... I'd say, "Pick up your shoes," and then they're like, whatever. And you're like, [yelling] "Pick up your shoes." You know what I'm saying? You're like, "Whoa, I need to take a step back here. I'm a little out of, you know... I'm going to crazy land." Those were always my signs.
Whenever my kids were just getting on my nerves, I was like, "I need a break. I need to walk away from you. I need to get out of this house, leave you with the sitter so that whenever I come back home, I'm actually excited to see you and I want to be around you."
Laura Dugger: That's so freeing to hear. I love that. What about rest then? What does rest and re-energizing look like for a mom who's still got kids at home? [00:09:45]
Karen Stubbs: Well, sort of the same thing. What brings you rest? For me, I'm an extrovert, so being around my friends brought me rest. For an introvert, that's like the kiss of death. You know what I'm saying?
Laura Dugger: Sure.
Karen Stubbs: So I would call my girlfriends, "Hey, let's go to a movie. Let's go out to eat. Let's go just..." Even if you sometimes have your children with you, let's go to the park. If you'll meet me at the park, the kids can play, you and I can sit on the bench and talk and chat, and I could just have some adult conversation. That brings me rest. I really enjoy that.
Like I said, if you're an introvert, that's probably not gonna do it for you. So you need to think, Okay, I need to be alone. I need to be quiet." I've had some friends—this is hilarious—that will just get a hotel room for the night, just by themselves, nobody else, and just be. Which is crazy, but they love that. Like, that brings them energy. That brings them rest. [00:10:42]
Maybe some Saturday, just say, "Sweetie, will you just let me sleep in until 9 o'clock, and you just take the kids." I will say this for Greg, as much as he traveled, whenever he was home, he didn't have anything to do. Like, his job is flying, and so once he left the plane, he was completely done.
So he would always let me sleep in on the mornings he was home. If it was a school morning, he'd get the kids up, he'd get them dressed. Even if I was awake, I would just lay in my bed and listen to it and not have to get out and go be engaged with it. And it was so freeing and so restful to me. Does that make sense?
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. I love how that even ties back into your first answer, that taking that rest and re-energizing. We may naturally feel a little bit of guilt there, but we just ask ourselves, are we committing a sin? No.
Karen Stubbs: Well, and I think, too, it was good for Greg to see what all I went through. So if I would have gotten up and went and helped, because, you know, you would hear them, where's my notebook? And I knew where it was. But I was just like, "Well, nobody's here in the mornings to tell me where their notebook is." So, I'm just gonna lay here and see how Greg figures it out. And they always got it figured out, you know? [00:11:53]
So, sometimes I'll be like, "I feel guilty, I should get up." And I'm like, "No, I'm not. I'm just gonna sit tight." And maybe that's bad, I don't know. But it got me through it.
Laura Dugger: That's great. Very real. Love it. So, for you personally, when you are needing wisdom, where do you get wisdom as a mom?
Karen Stubbs: Well, my mom is full of wisdom. I have to say she's pretty wise. The Bible. James 1.5 says, "If anyone lacks wisdom, I will give it to you." I leaned in heavily in on that verse, especially when I lived in Virginia, far away from my mom, and it was always a long-distance call. And you can't be calling your mom like 24-7. She's like, "Figure it out. I did it myself, you gotta figure it out."
But the Bible, mentor, friends. I have three ladies in my life that are about 15 years ahead of me in the journey, and I usually call them and, "Hey"—I run this idea by them—"what do you think? Am I crazy right now? Should I stand my ground?" And they're great in helping give me wisdom on stuff like that. [00:12:58]
Laura Dugger: Sorry to interrupt, but just in case somebody hasn't ever heard this before, let's say that exact verse. So it's found in the Bible in the New Testament in the book of James 1:5. And it says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him."
Well, and then with a mentor for somebody listening today, what if they say, I want that. I want somebody 15 years ahead of me. How did you find a mentor and how would you advise us to look for one?
Karen Stubbs: Oh, that's a great question. These are great questions, Laura. I would pray. I would ask God, Bring someone into my life. I would look around, maybe in your church, maybe in the school system, maybe your community, and see someone that is older than you. They need to be through the stages that you're in right now. [00:13:54] They've finished them.
Look at her kids, look at her marriage, see, you know, is she a good example that I want to follow after? If she gives me advice, do I want to follow her advice? So really look at her life and then go and ask her, "Hey, I know we aren't even really that great of friends, but I would love for you to mentor your little bit further ahead than me, and would you be open to just being my mentor?
And ladies that mentor me, we just go to lunch. That's all we do. They don't have any kind of agenda. We just talk and we just go to lunch. And that works.
Laura Dugger: It's so neat to see we're beneficiaries of all of that. Oh, yeah, even with your podcast, I would recommend everybody tune in to Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs, that's a way of having a mentor as well in a creative solution if you can't find somebody local.
Karen Stubbs: It's true. [00:14:52]
Laura Dugger: It can sometimes be frustrating when moms who are in the next season of life or maybe have no more children in the home always say, "Enjoy these days because the years are short." What's your take on this?
Karen Stubbs: Oh my goodness. I say they're right. The years are short, but the days are super long. And sometimes you just feel like you're never gonna get through a day. So just thinking, Oh my gosh, the year, like I can't even think about a year right now. I'm just trying to get through potty training, or I'm just trying to get my middle schooler to stop rolling their eyes at me. You know what I'm saying? And acting like I'm dumb as dirt.
But I would just say, you know what, the days are hard, and they're just not great. And so it's okay. It doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, because there's not music in the background, and butterflies and rainbows everywhere you're looking, and your children are just obeying you all the time. They're not obeying you. They're saying, no, and I don't want that, and you hurt my feelings, and blah, they're pushing against you. [00:15:55] So it is hard.
I just think recognize that as such, and then just be like, You know what, they are hard, but I'm going to embrace it, and I'm going to have a good attitude, and I'm going to move forward, and one day I will get through this.
My children are all grown, and I'm a grandmother, and I love and adore my grandchildren, and I just went out to California for a week and it was hard. By the end of the day, I was tired. You know what I'm saying? And when I got on the plane, I hated leaving them. But I was sort of glad to get back to some peace and quiet and all of that kind of stuff.
So, it's okay to have these feelings and it's frustrating and that's alright. You're not doing anything wrong. Actually, you're doing a lot right if you're feeling that.
Laura Dugger: Which is always good to hear. And then when you were in that phase, so you had four that were all... was it under the age of seven?
Karen Stubbs: Seven, yeah. So seven, five, three, and then Abby was a baby. [00:16:54]
Laura Dugger: Okay. So when they were all at home, what did you do to make those days, I guess, more enjoyable or what did you do to embrace that season and appreciate it?
Karen Stubbs: Well, I think maybe because Greg traveled so much I made my kids very independent. Looking back, that was something I'm glad I did. I would send my kids outside to play. We had a fence in backyard and I would just send them outside. I would lock the door and I'm like, "You're not coming in until lunch."
And they would be like, "We want water." And I'm like, "There's the hose, drink up." And maybe about 10 o'clock I put a box of goldfish out there. "Here's some fish." And let them figure it out. Then I would get some stuff done in the house.
We had windows all on the back side of our house so I could see everything they were doing. The gates were locked. They couldn't get out. You know what I'm saying? So I felt very safe with them being outside. [00:17:53] That really helped me get through. And then they would take naps in the afternoon.
Kelsey would sit in a room and do things because she was a little bit older. And it was wonderful. That's how I got sort of through the days. I let them play independently. I did not sit and play with them constantly. I was like, "We just played tea party. Now you go play. I got to get some stuff done around the house." That's what I did, and I just let them do it. Then I was a big believer in sitters.
Laura Dugger: I love that.
Karen Stubbs: I love babysitters.
Laura Dugger: Sometimes we don't hear much about that. Sometimes I feel like we, maybe, are given the cultural message that it's not okay to get a sitter. You should be able to do this all on your own. How would you recommend fighting that or what were some truths about babysitters that were good that you could pass on to us?
Karen Stubbs: The way I look at it is any job you do, and being a mom is a job, sorry, but it is, you get breaks. [00:18:54] You get a lunch break, you get to go home at night from your job, and you get to rest. And you come back the next day, and you've got a fresh perspective, and you hit the ground running.
So motherhood is so crazy that the world is put on us, you have to do it all by yourself, and you don't need anybody's help. That is ridiculous. You know what I'm saying? So, why wouldn't I want to give a break? Why wouldn't I want to get some rest? I just think I'd be a crazy loon. You know what I mean?
Obviously, when you get a sitter, you need to love your sitter. If they're going to come into your home, you want to be able to trust them. So, I'm assuming all moms do their homework on that part. My kids loved babysitters. And then the guilt part, I would just say, this is going to make me a better mom.
Laura Dugger: What is your favorite topic to talk about and encourage moms with?
Karen Stubbs: I really have two favorites. So the personalities. You and I were talking about all those last night. I just think it's fascinating. And not just the temperaments, but just how your child is wired. [00:20:00] I just think it's fascinating.
The more you can learn about your child, the better you can parent them. The love languages are important. Their temperaments are important. You know, what skills, talents do they have? Because all my children are very different from me, and if I had just leaned into what I knew, I would have parented them very differently. But I'm glad that God gave me the wisdom enough early on to figure it out, you know, like, how they were wired and then start parenting towards that.
The second topic that I love to talk about is to address the lies that moms believe, and really show them this is a lie, and it's a lie to bring you down, in my opinion, from Satan himself. This is what God says is truth, and the truth will set you free. And if I can free up moms, if I can give them some freedom, I think that brings joy in their life, purpose in their life as a mom, and just more meaning, and then they're not so downtrodden all the time. [00:21:03]
Laura Dugger: Those are incredible topics. Let's camp out on both of those for a little while. So first with the personalities, again we'll link to the show notes about Gary Chapman's love languages book. There's even one for kids, which is great. You've always talked about this book, Personality Plus for Parents by Florence Littauer. Would you share that personality profile with us, that there's four.
Karen Stubbs: Yeah, there's four temperaments. There's choleric, melancholy, phlegmatic, and sanguine. When my son was born, he's my third, he is polar opposite for me. I just did not understand him. I loved him dearly, he was the first boy, just very different from the girls. But when he was about three, well, even younger than three, maybe two, he just... like we'd go into church on Sundays and he would growl at people. Like, he really did not want anyone paying attention to him at all. [00:22:05]
That is so foreign to me because I am a sanguine and the more the attention, the better. Like, "Look at me, you know, I'm pretty special. Look over here," you know, kind of thing. But not Taylor. I mean, Taylor did not even like us to sing him happy birthday. He really didn't. I just didn't understand him.
One of my mentors at the time, she's 10 years older than me, and she said, "You need to read this book. It will help you understand Taylor. He is not like you. I think he's a melancholy." So I read the book. And I was like, Whoa, melancholies are very serious. They're deep thinkers. They're very thoughtful. They're sensitive. I'm not sensitive at all. You know what I'm saying? I'm really not. I'm definitely not a deep thinker. I mean, I can be thoughtful, but I'm not to the level Taylor is thoughtful.
Taylor, as a grown man, last weekend I had been traveling, and I got home from the travel, and he was at the house visiting—he's 23 years old—and he had me a dozen roses in the bedroom right when I walked in because he knew I'd been traveling. He got me pink, my favorite flower. That's how thoughtful he is. Like, he's constantly thinking of others. [00:23:17]
Even when he was little, he was like that. He would bring me little flowers from the yard or whatever. But the fact that he didn't like attention drawn to him, I just didn't understand that. Taylor wanted his space from people. He would get embarrassed very easily. Even if you were praising him it would embarrass him in front of people.
So I didn't understand that so I had to really study up on it and be like, "Oh, you're not weird. This is just really the way God's created you." Because honestly there for a while I thought, "What is wrong with my son? He is so strange." But he wasn't strange. He was just Taylor.
So I had to tell preschool teachers, at church, you know, "Just don't look at him. Don't talk to him. The more you come at him and, 'Hey Taylor, we're so glad you're here,' the worse mood he would get in." Melancholies are very moody. So once they get in a bad mood, forget about it. Like, they're there until they can work themselves out of it. That was another thing I had to give Taylor space. [00:24:20]
The girls would come in from school, they'd sit down at the bar, we'd all talk, "How was your day? What's going on?" They'd blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Taylor would come in, go straight down to the basement where his room was, turn on Spongebob, and just veg out. And he would not say two words. Even one day, I said, "How was your day?" And he goes, "Stop asking me that question every day." And I was like, "Okay." But when he was ready to talk, he would come up, "Hey mom, how are you doing?" And then he would talk. But I had to give him his time.
Laura Dugger: That's so helpful to hear examples. So that's the melancholy. And sometimes you match these with colors. So that's the blue. Could you go around and give a few characteristics of each color or title?
Karen Stubbs: Yes. The next one is Choleric—that's your red—and they are your powerful personality. So they want control from the moment they're born. Kelsey and Abby are my reds. They are very leader-driven, very strong. [00:25:22] They want to be in control.
Their view in life is either get on my highway or get off. You know, I don't care. I'm forging ahead. If you agree with me, that's awesome. Get behind me. But if you're not, I don't care. Move it or lose it kind of thing.
Their weaknesses are they are really strong. That's also a positive, but it's also a weakness. They control by anger. Blues control by their moods. Reds control by their anger. They can smell weakness from a mile away and will... you know, if they think you're weak, they got your number, they're gonna run all over you.
Then there's the phlegmatics. They're greens. They are your real easygoing personality. If you could have one word for them, it would be peace. They want peace at all times. They hate conflict. They hate confrontation. They can be stubborn. You don't see it that often, but whenever you do see it... Like Emily is my green. And when she says, "I'm not going to do it," she's not going to do it, and you can't make her do it. You know what I'm saying? [00:26:31]
She was in high school and she had to raise money to be on the equestrian team. I think they had to raise $1,200 to sell ads for their programs or whatever. With all my kids, whenever they had those types of things, I just said, "I will buy an ad and help you, but it's on you to raise this money, because if you are old enough to be on this type of thing where you're raising money, it's not my job to raise your money. So you gotta raise your own money."
Well, Emily doesn't like confrontation, so she doesn't like to go in and ask people for things, because that feels conflicted to her. And so she just kept putting it off. The greens control by procrastination, because they think, "I'll just keep procrastinating and you'll finally help me."
And I just had known her long enough in her life, and I thought, "I'm not helping her on this one." And I told her from the very beginning, "Emily, if you don't raise your money, it's coming out of your savings account, $1,200." [00:27:34]
So she waited all summer long, and she did not budge. And my father told her, "I will buy a $300 ad from you and she would not even go in and get it from him." And so I just thought, "It's fine." And Greg's like, "Are you really going to make her pay?" And I'm like, "Absolutely, I am. Absolutely." So she only had to pay $900 because eventually, my dad did give her the money. But still, she paid $900 out of her bank account.
But the greens are very easygoing, they're very loving, they're easy, really, especially if you're comparing them to a red. But they can be frustrating for a mom that is red that wants them to get motivated because they have a hard time getting themselves motivated. So the red moms can get very frustrated with their green children.
Then the last one is sanguine and they're yellow and their keyword is just "fun". I just want to have fun. And if life gets hard, they don't want to do it because that's not fun, school's not fun, unless the people part of school is very fun. [00:28:38]
But they are very people-oriented. They are very life of the party. They're great storytellers. They are very engaging with others. Their weaknesses are they can have a hard time finishing projects because it's not fun. After a while, it gets to be hard and they don't want to keep doing it. They can flip from one thing to another.
I was a big flitter in life. I was like a butterfly, like started a lot of things, but had a hard time focusing and finishing them. They control by charm. They can charm the pants off of anybody.
And an example of that was me. When I was in second or third grade, I went to a Christian private school, and we had a field trip to this Bible store close to the school. I'd seen this plaque for my mom, and Mother's Day was coming up, and I didn't have any money on me at the time, but my bus went by this store every day. [00:29:40]
I got in my head... and sanguines are very persistent. Once they get a thought in their head, they will not let it go. And so I sat behind the bus driver, and every day I would say, "Could you please stop by the Bible bookstore? I've got my money. I'll just run in. I'll just get da-da-da." Eventually, he did it.
We stopped the whole bus so I could go in and get this thing for my mom. And my sister was on the bus, and she was like, "Why have we stopped here?" And they're like, "Some little girl's in there buying a gift for her mother for Mother's Day." And Michelle said, when I got back on the bus, she was like, "Oh, of course it was you." You know, that kind of thing.
Laura Dugger: Working your yellow charm.
Karen Stubbs: I know. Usually, yellows and reds are very positive type people. Blues and greens, see it more the glass half empty or negative. My husband's a blue and he says, We're just more realistic. So yellows and reds think they can conquer the world and greens and blues are like, "I don't know. I'm a little bit more cautionary." [00:30:43]
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. And that's the beauty of that book that we mentioned too, is it shows you how to interact not only with your child and their temperament, but knowing and understanding yours as well.
Karen Stubbs: And even with your husband.
Laura Dugger: That's a great point. Yes, all relationships. Your other topic that you mentioned you enjoy talking about is lies that moms believe. Would you give just a few examples of the lies they believe and what truth you insert to help overcome those lies?
Karen Stubbs: Oh, absolutely. I have a curriculum called Says Who? And there's two, part one and part two, because there's so many lies. The lie that your husband must complete you, you know, they're your soulmate, that's a lie. It's just a lie. God didn't create anyone to complete you, only He completes you.
That was a hard lesson for me to learn, because I did look to Greg for years to complete me, and for my happiness. And only God can bring you true joy and happiness, not another person.
Now, sometimes God of course allows your husband to make you happy and fill you up and all that and that's great. That's just icing on the cake. But if you're looking to your husband to be your main source of filling your needs, you're setting him up for failure. [00:32:01]
Then a lot of times if mom's don't get their husbands to meet their needs, they start looking to their children to meet their needs. And that's even a worse recipe for disaster because if your husband can't do it, and he's an adult, there's no way a child can fill your needs.
So, so many times as a mom, we do, we put all of our eggs in our children's basket. "You know, and you're gonna bring me joy." They do bring us joy but we start depending on them for that joy. And that is a bad road to get on, because your child is a separate individual from you, and you don't need to be putting that pressure on them. Once again, God is the only one.
Another one is that I don't measure up. As a wife, as a mom, as a friend, whatever. Heck, in our social media culture, we can just look at Facebook one day and be like in the depths of despair because, you know, we're not measuring up. [00:32:58] But that's not true. We do measure up. In Christ we are whole and His grace makes us all new. You know what I'm saying? So it's just we need to embrace that mindset of "I am a child of God, and in Him I am complete".
Laura Dugger: Love that. Thank you for sharing those.
Karen Stubbs: You're welcome. You're welcome.
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsor.
Sponsor: Today's episode is brought to you by Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Here's a few insider tips that you may not know about Chick-fil-A East Peoria. First, the best-kept secret is their chicken for breakfast, which is served Monday through Saturday, 6.30 a.m. until 10.30 a.m.
My personal favorite are the chicken minis. Four chicken nuggets tucked inside a mini yeast roll and then glazed with honey butter. Or you can try the egg white grill if you want to pack in the protein.
Second, did you know that Chick-fil-A caters? They will deliver and set up all of your food for your event, such as your business meeting or your birthday party. [00:34:00] There are even a few menu items that you can only get through catering, including the waffle potato chips and chilled grilled subs.
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For more insider tips or to fill out an application online, head over to cfaeastpeoria.com.
Laura Dugger: Here at The Savvy Sauce, we're called Savvy for a reason. "Savvy" means practical knowledge or discernment. And we would love to hear some insight from your life to inspire us with our own action item. So as our final question today, what's your savvy sauce?
Karen Stubbs: Oh no, what is my savvy sauce? I think my savvy sauce, my mantra really throughout my whole life is balance. You know, everything in moderation. [00:35:01] Because you can go crazy on both sides, you know, of not doing enough or doing too much. And if my personality would probably tend towards the too much part, but just balance and everything in moderation.
Laura Dugger: And you just have this special way of speaking balance. I think it is something you're very gifted at. And I just appreciate all the work that you've done. I've loved listening to all of your resources, reading your books and I've considered you a mentor now for years and it's just such a pleasure to get to meet with you in person. So thank you for being available and thanks for joining today.
Karen Stubbs: Thank you.
Laura Dugger: And if our listeners want to connect with you, do you have a website or a way that they can?
Karen Stubbs: Yeah. Birdsonowiremoms.com is our website. We have a whole website there. They can ask questions for our podcast, like if they have mom questions. We have a shop, they can look at all the resources. Like say if they like the [lies?] idea, you can pick on that and do that curriculum either with a small group or just by yourself.
Then the Wire Talk with Karen Stubbs is definitely a way they can listen in every week. Then also for fans of Birds on the Wire, we do weekly emails that just go to their inbox, and it's just encouragement for moms. [00:36:24] It's free. The podcast is free, and so yeah. Browse around, see if we can help you out.
Laura Dugger: Awesome. Thank you. There's still so many questions that we have, so would you be willing to come again?
Karen Stubbs: I would love it. Yes, of course.
Laura Dugger: Okay, great. Let's do that. Thanks so much.
Karen Stubbs: You're welcome.
Laura Dugger: Guess what? It's giveaway time again. Today, if you head over to our website, thesavvysauce.com, and click on our "Giveaways" tab, you'll see how you can enter to win one of Karen's books, 365 devotions, Moments with God for Moms.
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. [00:37:35] But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. [00:38:35] Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. [00:39:37]
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
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