61 Marital Communication and Intentional Family Life with Author, Speaker and Podcaster, Susan Seay

61. Marital Communication and Intentional Family Life with Author, Speaker, and Podcaster, Susan Seay

 

**Transcription Below**

 

James 1:19 (NIV) “My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,"

 

Susan Seay is an author, podcaster, and speaker. She is a married mom with 7 kids who sees motherhood as a calling and a privilege. Her goal is to create a home where her family can thrive - physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. She and her husband have broken free from the burden of perfection, and she models a life that invites us to do the same!

 

At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We also want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. 

 

Susan Seay’s Website 

Mentor 4 Moms Podcast

Episode 32: Mentor 4 Moms Podcast (Episode with Susan and Her Husband on Feeling Like a Single Parent in a Married Relationship)

Connect with Susan Seay on socials: @susanlseay

Intentional Parent

 

Thank You to Our Sponsor: FabFitFun #fabfitfunpartner (Enter Code: SAVVY at checkout to receive $10 off your first box)

 

Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website

 

Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!

 

Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

 

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

 

Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

 

Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” 

 

Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” 

 

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

 

Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” 

 

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

 

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” 

 

Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

 

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

 

Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

 

Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

 

Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

 

Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

 

**Transcription**

 

[00:00:00] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. 

 

[00:00:18] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: I want to say thank you to our sponsor, FabFitFun. If you want to learn more about their seasonal subscription boxes, which include over $200 worth of full-size products but cost you only $49.99, visit them at fabfitfun.com. And if you use the coupon code SAVVY at checkout, you'll receive $10 off your first box. 

 

Susan Seay is my guest today, and she is a parent, an author, a podcaster, and a well-known speaker. You're going to love this candid conversation where she shares the highs and lows of parenting, the lies we believe, and the truths that we can replace those lies with in order to enjoy this calling to the max. 

 

Here's our chat. 

 

Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Susan. 

 

Susan Seay: So good to be here. 

 

Laura Dugger: Can you just start us off by sharing more of your story? [00:01:17] 

 

Susan Seay: Well, I am a mom to seven living in Austin, Texas. I am one of those people who, when I had my first child, I absolutely just fell in love with motherhood. I just thought, I'm smitten. I'm no good for the marketplace, for corporate, which is the direction I thought I would go.

 

I had this life plan. I was going to finish college, get my degree, go and work in the workforce two to three years, and then get married and have kids. Like I just had this plan. And instead, we got married while we were still in college. I still had one more year of school and my husband was in grad school. 

 

And then two days before I walked the stage to graduate and get my degree, we found out we were expecting our first. So I went from college to home and have not regretted a moment of it, even though none of it is the way I thought life would go. 

 

Laura Dugger: After that first blessing that you found out about, can you get us up to date now? How many are in your family currently? [00:02:24] 

 

Susan Seay: So we have seven. We have one boy, six girls. Most people love to know, like, where does our son fall? He's the oldest. He's 22, and my youngest is 9. 

 

Laura Dugger: So quite the age range. You also homeschool them, is that right? 

 

Susan Seay: I do. We've been homeschooling for 18 years. 

 

Laura Dugger: And did you always want a big family and envision yourself homeschooling? 

 

Susan Seay: None of that. Like, no. My husband, when we were dating, he... and we talking about, you know, you want a family, you want kids. He was like, Yes. I'd like one, maybe two kids. And I was like, Well, that's good, because I want two, at most three, and that's it. 

 

As I already shared with you, I was smitten. I found myself saying, just one more, just one more. Every time we had a baby, I was like, Just one more. All of our friends were completely hitting the done button, right? They were like, we've had our two, we've had our three, we're done. And I was like, "I don't know if I have that button. And if I do have it, maybe it's broken. Like, why am I still wanting more kids, and everybody around me is done already and not even interested in having more?" [00:03:40] 

 

I just found myself really excited about the growth of our family and eager to just have all the children that the Lord really had for us and seeing what this adventure would become and unfold. It's been an adventure for sure. It ain't been all roses and happy days, but it's nothing that I regret. And I'm so glad. 

 

But when we had number seven, I finally felt that completion. I finally felt like now we're done, like our family is complete. Everybody's here who's supposed to be here. It was really this... it's a surreal moment of completion and peace. And that's where we are. 

 

Laura Dugger: I love that, the peace that comes when God directs your family. I'm so curious, have you always been this intentional since having one child in the home? Or what did that journey look like to become such an intentional family? 

 

Susan Seay: I think somewhere deep within me, it's always been there. [00:04:43] I don't know that I fully recognized it or appreciated it until it was put in the context of motherhood. I think in the past, growing up, words that were used about me were natural leader, organizer, gatherer of people, that kind of thing. On the negative side, bossy, always being in charge, always speaking up, always have an opinion. 

 

So whether it was people encouraging me or people frustrated by my skill set, it wasn't until it was put into the context of motherhood that I started to really begin to see the benefits of the gifts that God just naturally put within me. 

 

And then I just had this inner hunger for more resources to help me cultivate that in a way that was God-honoring, so that I wasn't bossy and hovering and just being teamed too much with my kids and with my husband. I just had this hunger for resources to help me to manage those skills in a way that would create the loving environment that I felt like our home should have. [00:05:48] 

 

Laura Dugger: That's so fascinating because God clearly gave you this amazing personality and now you're stewarding it to bless the lives of so many, myself included. From your story that you've shared, it sounds like you have littles, middles, and big kids. So from your experience so far, what has been your hardest phase of parenting? 

 

Susan Seay: I will say it this way. I think the hardest part of the journey of motherhood for me has been this one particular lie. There are several lies that I've believed over time, but this one particular one is a hang up for me. And that is this expectation that at the next phase it's going to get easier. 

 

So when I had little ones and I was up all night and up all day and I just never felt like I got time to myself, my body wasn't my own, my time wasn't my own, nothing in my house was my own, it had spit up or, you know, potty training residue everywhere. You know what I mean? Like it's just like what happened to my life is kind of how I felt myself feeling. I kept thinking when they get a little bit older, this will get easier. 

 

And then they got a little bit older and there's the sibling bickering and fighting and whining and there's people starting to get involved in activities, and that's encroaching on, air quote, my time. [00:07:14] And there's just this next phase of needs and challenges. 

 

And I thought, you know what? When they get a little bit older, it'll get easier. And I keep believing that every phase, the next phase will be easier than this one. And now that I'm here and I have three adult-age children, I still think I'm trying to figure out when does it get easier? And I realized, No, I just bought into that lie, hook, line, and sinker, that the older they get, the more independent with their own lives it'll get easier. 

 

I have now found that that's not the case. Motherhood is not about easy, but it is about purpose and intention if we allow it to be. 

 

Laura Dugger: That's a good truth to replace that with. I can definitely relate to buying into that lie. It helps just to put verbiage around it. I know that you've mentioned before that there was even a time when you felt like a single parent. So will you bring us back to that season and then share how it was redeemed? [00:08:19] 

 

Susan Seay: Yeah. That one was a very difficult season in our marriage and in our family. Gratefully, I think our kids were young enough that they didn't really understand all that that meant for me personally. And it's been a journey for my husband to really understand what it meant for me. 

 

But that season was marked by a time when... my husband and I are both entrepreneurial and he had a corporate job that was paying the bills and taking care of the needs until we could be in a position to have our own business, which was always our goal. 

 

He was working really hard to grow the business. That meant that he just spent more and more time on the needs of the business and all that was happening after he finally reached that mark where he could leave his corporate job. And that was... goodness, we've had our own business now close to 18 years or right at 18 years. So it's been an amazing journey. [00:09:18] 

 

But, you know, when you have a new business, it needs almost as much as a newborn baby. Right? Like it needs everything and it needs so much of your time and so much of your resources. So he was pouring into that, which meant that everything in our household pretty much came to me. 

 

And if you were to put down a list of like who was handling meals, that was me. And who was handling the house, that was me. And who was handling kid fights, that was me. And who was reading them the Bible and praying with them, that was me. 

 

You know, it's like one thing after another. The list just looked like a whole lot of Susan and not a whole lot of him on the list. He did the "I went to work and I earned the money". To which I don't want to discount that. I mean, we're grateful for that. And this couldn't have happened without that. But it was a lonely time for me. 

 

I just really felt like he and I were building this family together but the running and the managing and the care and nurturing of the family was all me. And I never wanted that to be our dynamic, yet that's where we found ourselves. [00:10:21] 

 

So he and I just hit this moment when my youngest was born and I took him out to a restaurant to set him down to have a conversation about it, and it didn't go well. I didn't share my words. Well, I guess I was too hurt and disappointed and frustrated and angry to really be able to express myself well. 

 

And he was stuck in a cycle of any time I did approach him, he felt defensive. Like he wanted to plead his case. You know, he was before the court. He wanted to plead his case. "I'm doing the best I can and I'm doing all I can to provide for you guys." You know, aren't you well taken care of? Like, what am I doing wrong? 

 

We finally came to a point where we could finally hear each other. And that was huge for us. We had to learn how to lower our defenses and not treat one another as if we're the enemy, but recognize and remember that we're on the same team.

 

And when we're on the same team, now we get to discuss our strategies and our plans and our next steps versus feeling like the other person is the one that's keeping us from winning this game. [00:11:31] Instead, we say, I need you and you need me in order for us to win this game, in order for us to run this race successfully. 

 

So when we finally heard each other, the huge aha for us was how much we were both running this independent race and hoping that the other person was okay and just not really checking in and ensuring that we were both rowing and pulling in the same direction. 

 

And so I think, if anything, the biggest lesson we've learned from that is just how important it is for us to communicate and not to assume simply because there's not huge fights and arguing or disagreements that are happening. That to not assume that means everything's okay. But that we should check in with one another and really ensure that we are united in our effort to care for all of the needs for our household. And that doesn't just mean monetary needs and physical needs, but also the spiritual and emotional needs of our home. [00:12:40] 

 

Laura Dugger: I'd love to drive that home even further. Just imagining a woman out there, maybe her husband is working hard for the family. Maybe he comes home and kind of checks out or just hangs out on the couch, and it's an unhealthy cycle where she's kind of wanting him to read her mind that she's got a lot going on, would appreciate the help. What would you speak into her in that situation? 

 

Susan Seay: First, let me say I can so relate to that scenario because that was him. He would work long hours and then he would come home and he would kind of crash in the chair and he'd either pull up into his laptop to get just one more thing done or he'd be on his phone taking just one more call. Or he would be on the other end where he would just turn on the TV and just stare at it. Usually, things that I don't even want to watch, you know?

 

It was a difficult time because I felt like he was home physically, but he still wasn't with us. He still wasn't connecting with us. [00:13:42] I would feel very frustrated with him because I'm like, "Hello, all these people that you see around here need to be fed and they need baths and they need their teeth brushed and they need to be talked to and held. They got stories they'd love to share with you. And they've had things happen today that they'd love to engage with you, but you're still not really available, even though you're physically present."

 

And I've talked to so many women who have felt this season of feeling like they're single in their pursuit of being intentional with their families, yet they are in a married relationship. It could be sometimes it's military families, sometimes it's husbands who travel a lot for their jobs. And then it's others where husbands are just home, but they're checked out. 

 

One of the things that was key for me... well, I'll give you two because two come to mind. One is I guarded my heart against bitterness. I did all that I knew to do to not become bitter towards my husband so that my words towards him didn't have that bite to them and that edge of sarcasm, which is just that veiled anger. [00:14:48] 

 

That took a lot of work and energy. Can I just tell you that? It took a lot for me to do that because I did feel resentful. I felt taken for granted. I felt not seen. I felt lonely. I felt just frustrated at all of the empty promises he made. Because he wanted to do things that he would come home and be too tired to do them. 

 

The other thing is, along with guarding my heart against bitterness, I really guarded against nagging him and becoming his constant reminder. Remember, you said this. Remember, you said this. Like, remember, you said this. Because I recognized that it was really my attempt to control and really my attempt to get my way and make him do things that I wanted him to do or that he even said he would do. 

 

That when he said it, like if we both were honest, he couldn't fulfill that. "Oh, I'll make sure I get that done for you tomorrow. Well, if you have a meeting tomorrow evening at 6:30 and you're not going to get home till 8:30, it's not even possible for you to do that. But you're trying your best to make me happy and trying your best to contribute to the household in a different way. [00:16:01] 

 

So I just committed that I would say things to him and maybe I'd write them down, but I wouldn't go over and over and over them because it was really just me berating him for not keeping his promises and just continuing to fuel this resentment and anger, which could lead to bitterness. So the two are kind of connected, but they were two practical things that I did. 

 

So how did I handle that? I found other outlets. Of course, there's the obvious thing: prayer was huge. But I was good about having a trusted girlfriend where I could talk it out and I knew that she could help me to remember the truth in the midst of it. 

 

It wasn't a friend who I would gripe about my husband, she griped about her husband and we just end up in this great old gripe fest. That was never our relationship. That wasn't the way we interacted with one another. 

 

But we were honest about how we were feeling and we created a safe place in our relationship to be honest. So we didn't have to say, oh, everything's okay and we're so happy and I'm just a little upset, but it's not a big deal. Like we were able to say, "Girl, I'm mad. I'm furious. I'm disappointed. I'm hurt. I'm livid right now." [00:17:17] 

 

And then we could walk through those feelings. And by the end of it, we would go, now, what do we know to be true in spite of what we see? What do we know to be true? We may feel lonely, but are we alone? We may feel disappointed, but where is our hope really met? 

 

And we would answer those questions according to scripture and according to truth so that by the time we got off the call, it was like its own mini counseling session. You know, when you've got a good girlfriend, it's like having a mini counselor who just hasn't been through professional training, but she's like a Ph.D. in sister and sisterhood. It just makes all the difference. 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh, that's so good. So prayer and accountability. And even looking at the flip side, I mean, you've said your husband is such a great man. It wasn't a character thing. But I wonder if he was assuming like, "Hey, Susan is very capable. She's doing this and hasn't asked for help." So is there anything on his side that he said "this was really helpful for breakthrough on my end"? [00:18:23] 

 

Susan Seay: So he and I actually got to record a conversation on my podcast where we talk about this in detail and he gets to kind of share his side. I will say that for him, he had... he still does sometimes. Like it's just part of the way his mind works. 

 

What makes him so brilliant and amazing and successful in business is his ability to focus. And he can laser in and focus on the target and a goal and he can get us there. And he makes it happen. 

 

The flip side or the other side of that story is if things aren't breaking and falling apart and they're not big fires and explosions, if there's not some huge fanfare, it's almost like he doesn't notice. So, for him, he got the realization of how important it is to still check-in, even though things on the surface seem like they're okay. 

 

One of the things he does when he comes home to this day, and I love it about him, is he greets the kids. He says hello to everybody and he comes and gives me a personal greeting. And he'll look me in the eye and he'll just say, "Hey, babe, I'm home. How are you?" [00:19:36] 

 

And it just gives me a moment to know I have his full and undivided attention. And even if sometimes I try to brush it off and I go, "Oh, I'm fine," he'll look at me like he's searching for, Are you really fine or you just don't want me to worry or are you upset? I keep checking in. And we usually follow up with that. Once the house is settled and we're in the room alone, he'll follow up with that. Like, Hey, I noticed that you looked a little... Were you tired? Are you angry? Like he'll follow up on whatever observation he made when he initially came in the house. 

 

Laura Dugger: That's so helpful to hear kind of the other side as well. We will certainly link to your podcast, the Mentor for Moms podcast, and specifically to that episode. 

 

Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor. 

 

Sponsor: I'm so excited to tell you about our sponsor for this episode, FabFitFun. FabFitFun is a seasonal subscription box with full-size beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products. [00:20:40] Each season's epic box features a variety of amazing and quality brands like Anthropologie or Free People. And that's just the beginning of it. 

 

I was so excited as I waited to receive my first box in the mail. And if you subscribe for the year, it kind of feels like getting a birthday gift that arrives four times per year. And you never know which product you're going to discover in their box that will become your new favorite. It also makes a great gift for a friend or a spouse. It's not only fun to anticipate the arrival of the box, but then you also get to enjoy the products once the box arrives. 

 

FabFitFun is an amazing deal because its value is over $200 per box but you're going to pay less than $50. Check them out at FabFitFun.com. That's fabfitfun.com, and use the code SAVVY so you can save $10 off your first box, making it only $39.99. Again, that's FabFitFun.com and use the code SAVVY, S-A-V-V-Y. 

 

These seasonal boxes sell out fast. So sign up for yours today at FabFitFun.com. Thanks for your sponsorship. [00:21:57]  

 

Laura Dugger: Okay, so we've been talking about some of the challenges in parenting. So on the flip side, what has been your most enjoyable part of motherhood? 

 

Susan Seay: One of the things that I absolutely love about motherhood is watching my children discover more about the unique ways that God created them. One of the risks for us, because we have such a big family, you know, there's nine of us at one point that was living in this household, is to kind of lump everybody together or to lump them into categories. 

 

I jokingly call them my bigs, my middles, and my littles. And it would be easy for me to just kind of, "Hey, you're the big kids. This is what you do. Middle kids, you do these things. Little kids, you do these things." But it was important to me to see them as individuals, and for them to be able to discover how did God uniquely create each one of them. 

 

So the two working together, me trying to see them and them discovering unique ways that God created them, has just created this fun, unique expression in each one of them. [00:23:07] Even though they have some similarities in personality, they still have these unique things that they own about themselves. And I love infusing that sense of confidence and honor for how they've been created. 

 

Laura Dugger: I love that. And it kind of leads me into another question. So as you're spending all this time with your kids and seeing them as individuals, are you noticing that they have more similarities or more differences from one another? 

 

Susan Seay: I am in some friend circles where we're just the nerdy types. You know, my bachelor's degree is in psychology, so I've always loved studying how people think and how they behave and how they interact. What are their inner motivations? Like all those kind of things. 

 

And a lot of the people that are around right now love things like tools like the Enneagram. I personally haven't gotten into the Enneagram because it's just a little too much. It's nine different possibilities. And within this household of nine, it's just too much. [00:24:10] 

 

So for me, I love more simplified programs. One of them is similar to the DISC program where it has four different personality types. So we've identified those four within our home and who fits in what category. We tend to fall heavy on the leader side in this household. So we got a lot of strong opinions and strong personalities. 

 

With that context, an umbrella set, within that it's neat to see how they uniquely express that leadership or uniquely express the different parts of that personality. Even though two of them may be in the same category, they still have some differences that are their own personal unique factors that they add. 

 

And so as we have discovered that leaned into that, it becomes a way of us engaging with one another in the home. So that I recognize when I'm trying to correct my daughter, who is the same personality type as me, bless, because that's God's grace, He's like, "Hey, girl, you want to see yourself? I'll give you a mini you. And you get to kind of see what other people deal with and how you deal with challenges." [00:25:20] 

 

I recognize I engage with her differently than I do her sister, who is more sensitive and feels things and is more deeply impacted and takes things to heart than the daughter who's like me. When I go to correct them, I correct them differently. I correct them according to how they're uniquely created. 

 

I want to honor how God's created them while still offering them the correction and the instruction and the wisdom that will help them to have healthy relationships to one another and to God the Father. 

 

Laura Dugger: Let's take those two daughters specifically. Let's say they disobey in the same way. How would you correct the behavior in the more sensitive one and the more driven leader one? 

 

Susan Seay: So the driven leader one can handle to direct and appreciates direct. So if I come into her, I might ask her, "Hey, who slammed the door?" And she's like, "I slammed the door" because that's exactly how she'd be like, very bold about it. Like, "I did it." And I'm like, "Do we slam doors?" And she was like, "No." It's like, "Okay, you understand that we don't slam doors in the house. It's not the way we do things." And I could just talk to her very direct. [00:26:40] 

 

The other daughter, if she slams the door, more than likely she's hiding from me. She's more like Eve in the garden. Like she can hear me coming and she's like going to hide behind a door. She's going to go down the hall. She's going to pretend she's busy with her dolls, like whatever she can to be like, "Oh, I did that wrong. Hide me. Cover me." 

 

So I'm going to approach her in a more gentle way. I'm more than likely to get down on the floor with her and get down on her level. Look her in the eye, ask what's going on. Way before I go into like, what did you do wrong? I'm like, "What's going on? What was that about? Tell me what's happening. Here's your words." 

 

I want to empower her in her words because she's more likely to go quiet and silent on me. So I want to empower her voice and let her know she's in a safe place for me to listen and create that sense of safety with her before I go in and start saying, "Okay, now that you understand you're safe, I want you to also understand you were wrong." 

 

And in that you can be lovingly corrected. But correction is a loving act. And it's not saying that you're a bad girl. It's simply you made a wrong choice. And we want to create that distinction so that you understand that correction is helping you to be better. And that's all that my heart has for you is a desire for things to be better for you. [00:28:04] 

 

So with her, it tends to be more compassionate and soft. But we still get to the same place where the other daughter, it can be quick. I can handle it. I can go direct and she gets it, she moves on and we're good. 

 

Laura Dugger: So those are some differences with your kids. But now that your oldest is in their 20s and you've seen these stages repeatedly, are there any common findings between birth and launching that you've noticed in your children? 

 

Susan Seay: I have found that, Oh, my goodness, these people, I love them. And I have to remember that just because I've said it to the first group, I've said it to the bigs, that doesn't mean the middles were paying attention or heard it. And then likewise, when I'm with the littles and I'm like, I know I've said this a thousand times. I go, "Okay, I get it. When I was saying that you weren't paying attention, you were too little. Like you were the little littles. Now you're old enough to have this instruction. [00:29:06] 

 

Are there patterns? Absolutely. Do all of them want to test the boundaries? Yes. Do all of them need that sense that they're important uniquely, not just because they're part of the group? You bet. 

 

Right now I'm in the season... I have this fresh pattern that happened just within the past 48 hours of having one that's transitioning into this high school/prepping for college phase. And I've been through this with three others. And now that I'm in this again, it brings up a lot of the familiar feelings of I don't know if I'm ready. This feels like too much. 

 

How do I know what I want to be when I grow up? I don't even know what I want to do next week. And why should I have this thing figured out? And this feels like a lot of pressure for me to figure these things out. And what if I choose wrong? And how do I know what school I want to go to? Really I don't want to go to any school. I'm kind of done with school. 

 

So like all this mixed bag of fear and overwhelm and anxiety as well as excitement about the future. But that excitement is so shrouded in doubt and insecurity and like scrambling for answers that they can't really soak in that excitement because they feel like adults are asking them questions they should know the answers to and they don't. [00:30:28] 

 

So I'm kind of in that phase, that season again. I'll be gonna be calling the siblings really soon to say, okay, guys remember when you went through this and we talked with you and we really asked you some questions to help you figure out your next steps? Encourage your sister because she's in it now. 

 

Laura Dugger: That's helpful to get them involved as well and get to speak truth into their younger siblings.

 

Susan Seay: So if you have anybody, if there's a mom listening who's got a child who is feeling that sense of, I don't know what's next for me, but I feel like everybody is expecting that I should know, I will share with you what I ask my kids that they find incredibly helpful. 

 

And it's this. I remind them that if we are going to trust that our steps are ordered by God, and we could begin to accept that all of the people that are in our life that are closest to us are God-ordained, and they have a purpose. So who around you are you curious about? Are you curious about their job? You're curious about their background? You're curious about their life story? 

 

Who around you do you find yourself going, I wonder what do they do all day? Or I wonder what they did in college or what does it mean to have a degree in physics? What is that about? Who is it that you're just curious about? [00:31:54] Whoever that is that they identify, go spend time with them and go talk with them. 

 

That for my children has helped to kind of enlighten some of their inner curiosities that they hadn't fully tapped into and it's led to some next steps for them to kind of illuminate what direction they want to go. 

 

Laura Dugger: That's awesome. We're all about practical tips here, so that is a great one. As you look at both the similarities in yourself and your children and your differences with them, how has all of that led to your own progressive sanctification?

 

Susan Seay: Yeah, all of it has been, as I call it, the refiner's fire for me. I, pre-kids, would have said that I was patient and I was kind and generous, and all these things and so loving. And you catch me on a sleep-deprived, it's two o'clock, I haven't eaten, when is the last time I showered moment. [00:32:59] And I find myself griping, I find my forehead is like really furrowed and very just angry. I'm sharp and not so compassionate, not so patient. 

 

And it's just been really a big growth for me to understand love in a new way. What does it mean to really love someone? What does it mean to love someone when they're acting unlovable right now? How do you keep showing up in the midst of a situation where you'd love to throw your hands up and give up? But instead God has called you to show up and give and serve and listen and console and correct even in the midst of this challenging situation. 

 

So for me, motherhood has been the ultimate tool that God has used to refine me into more of the Christ-like character, to be more like Christ. But this process has been messy. It's not clear-cut, it's not put together in a nice little kit and we don't go step by step. 

 

There are days where I feel like I'm spiritually and emotionally I take huge leaps forward. And then there are seasons where I feel like I'm just in a pit like I'm not doing well at all and all in between. But in the end, somehow, progress has been made. [00:34:28] 

 

Somehow, God and His grace and His mercy brings me to a new understanding of Him and His relationship with me, a new understanding of His word, a new connection and depth to my love for my children and for other people that He's placed in our lives that I never had before motherhood. 

 

Laura Dugger: That's an incredible journey. 

 

Did you know that we save some of our best content for our patrons? You can access these secret podcasts by visiting thesavvysauce.com and clicking on our Patreon tab. For example, you can hear my exclusive interview with Alex [Butchko], a Disney cast member who shares some business principles and life applications behind the magic and success of Disney. You can also hear bonus content from internationally known speaker Devi Titus, along with many other experts. 

 

This is all available to you for a minimum of $5 per month. In addition to all these monthly bonus episodes, you will also have access to all of our free downloadable scripture cards, beautifully crafted by Angela at Jars of Grace. We hope you consider joining the club today. [00:35:41] 

 

All of this has kind of led you into a role that you have now as a speaker and author and life coach. So how did you decide to pursue all of those roles in addition to your full plate at home? 

 

Susan Seay: I would say this was a calling on my life and definitely not something that I pursued. Instead, I would say I was more of the refuser. I refused this whole idea. I was like, No, no, no, no. I have seven children. We homeschool. My plate is full. And I felt like I was trying to remind God of the life he gave me.

 

So I was like, "Hey, God, hey, remember, I'm married and I have these kids and I homeschool and life is full. I think you might have asked the wrong person to do this. I really don't think I'm the right person." My way of dealing with that, to do some pseudo obedience to the call, was to promote other people that I thought were amazing. And they were amazing. 

 

I would be like, this woman, she's got a great story. And this one over here, she's a great speaker. And this one, she's an amazing writer. And I would just keep promoting other people and telling other people about them. 

 

And I just found that more and more people were saying, "That's great, Susan. We're thankful for all these people that you've had as me, but we're asking for you to speak." And that the Lord was just really showing me that this was the pathway that He had for me. And I was very reluctant to say yes. [00:37:13] 

 

I'm going to just be honest. I had a very deep conviction that I would not be speaking and traveling all over the country, encouraging people to have great families and neglecting my own. It was a personal conviction for me that that would never be our story. And since in my mind, I couldn't figure out how the two would go together, surely this just cannot be the right way for us to go. This cannot be the path. 

 

But I'm grateful that I have a husband who is supportive. I don't know if that really encompasses it. He was beyond supportive. He was an incredible cheerleader for me to say yes to this call. He began to tell me story after story of times when he felt like this was the direction that I would ultimately go, and that he didn't say anything because he knew that I would be like, Yeah, no, dude, that can't be it.

 

Then I was surrounded by friends who equally were willing to call me out in a good way. They were willing to call me out and say, "Susan, I really believe that this is a gifting that God has given you and a unique perspective and voice that's needed. And we just want to encourage you to follow that with your whole heart, like follow what God is showing you." [00:38:30] 

 

And then it was just my own repentance in my heart for feeling like I should have to figure this out myself. And because I couldn't figure it out, surely that meant that's not God's plan. And I got to repent. I had to repent of that and repent my doubt, repent my arrogance, my pride, my fears, and instead to surrender, once again, my life and my heart to Him. To say, Whatever doors you want to open for me to go and to share, to speak, I'm in. I'm all in. I say yes to you. 

 

When I did that... I had that time, my husband and I were away on vacation and we were in a location where we couldn't be reached by phone. So when we got back and we turned our phones on and I was checking my email, I had three speaking invitations waiting in my inbox. And I had told no one that I was saying yes to that call. 

 

So it was really a confirmation of the direction that the Lord was taking me. And it's continued to be so every step of the way. Because I am so committed to the family that I'm not out marketing myself and shaking hands and kissing babies is what I say about politicians, right? [00:39:44] 

 

I really don't have the time to do that because I'm dedicated to my family, my marriage, and then caring for the needs of my own body. Girl has entered her 40s and the body is talking to me in many different ways and self-care is something that's very important to me. 

 

So in the midst of that, somehow people keep finding my name, keep connecting to the message that I've shared in various resources like being here on your podcast. And from that, that's where the growth is coming, but it's not coming from any kind of self-promotion or some team that's behind me making this thing happen. If any team that I have, it's the Lord Almighty and all that He's doing. 

 

Laura Dugger: I love hearing how you stepped out in faith, and that's what led you to obey, even if there were some fears. And you mentioned it kind of sounded like either I'm pouring into my family or I'm pouring into this ministry and I neglect it. [00:40:45] 

 

Now that you've answered the Lord's call, do you find that that was true or false, that pursuing this ministry meant neglecting your family? 

 

Susan Seay: I have definitely found that I made an error in really looking at it as it had to be one or the other. To make it worse, I didn't even fully say yes. And I was reminded of that late last fall when our family was going through some significant challenges. 

 

My parents live across the street and my father was experiencing a lot of health challenges where he was in medical crises more than once, where I rushed over and found him in medical crises and had to call an ambulance and then load my mom up in the car and followed the ambulance to the hospital. 

 

And then I had one of my children who was going through a very difficult time going through the process of experiencing the first relationship. And it wasn't a relationship that me or my husband really celebrated at all, not even really fully understood. [00:41:49] So there was a lot of friction there. 

 

And in the midst of this, I had more speaking engagements than I'd ever had before and found myself having to have some incomplete conversations with people and, you know, decisions not being made, but needing to pack the bag and get on a flight and go. 

 

And I would be in airports crying and going, this is exactly the thing I said I didn't want to happen. So I'm thinking, "This is about time for me to honor the commitments I've made and then it's time to end this." And the Lord brought to my memory how I said yes to Him. 

 

And the way I said yes to this call to speaking is I said, "Yes, God, I will go as long as things are well with my family. But the second the family starts to fall apart, that's it. I'm done." And I made a commitment. A conditional yes. That's how I'll put it. I gave Him a conditional yes. And He wants our full yes. He wants our full and 100% all in yes. [00:42:48] 

 

And so I got to repent again, girl. It really was like, when do I get to get to the end of myself is the question I started to ask myself. I got to repent again for that conditional yes. And in the midst of that, he began to show me the ways in which. Because I wasn't present, the way the kids matured and stepped up, the way my mom found support in her church community. 

 

The family began to expand in ways and deepen the roots of connection in other ways that my presence would not have allowed those things to happen. The fact that I wasn't there, it created a new dynamic within our home where my kids are going to my husband before they're coming to me now. I'm like, "Hey, what?" To be honest, at first I was irritated by that. I was like, "Wait, you usually ask me."

 

But now I'm in a place where I can celebrate the fact that he feels needed, which is important for him. He feels like he has something to contribute and he has some unique experiences with the kids that don't involve me. And he gets to kind of do things the way he would want to and they get to enjoy him being fully engaged and caring for their needs. [00:44:10] 

 

So the things that I thought were going to be a problem or cause hurt or harm or neglect in some way, God has shown me how he has stepped in. And He is the one who fills the gaps. And He's the one who answers the cries of the heart and the needs within our family. And sometimes He uses me, and sometimes He uses my husband, and sometimes He uses other people, but ultimately He's the source for everything we need. 

 

Laura Dugger: Thank you for pointing us back to Him. That's incredible to hear your story. I think so many people are going to relate to that. As you've had this platform to speak to so many people, what are you most hearing from parents? 

 

Susan Seay: There's so many lies that I think that we as women hear, and I think we as parents are hearing. There's so many expectations from people around us, from the culture around us. [00:45:11] And then there's so many expectations we have of ourselves. 

 

And somewhere in the midst of that, we start trying to live to meet the expectations versus really getting still long enough to seek out how we are supposed to uniquely raise our families and how we're to operate within our homes. And how can we do that in a way that honors the Lord? 

 

So we get lost. And in that lost feeling, we're experiencing more depression and anxiety than ever before. We're experiencing overwhelm, loneliness, frustration, even though we're in a society that has more ways to connect than ever. We've got more social media platforms and resources in order to build connection, yet somehow we're still lonely or more lonely than we've ever been, more disconnected than we've ever been. 

 

And when you translate that individual experience of that into families where you have multiple people experiencing that same thing, it almost magnifies that sense of loneliness and disconnect and frustration and depression and anxiety. [00:46:22]

 

My desire, my passion is to become a voice of encouragement to the discouraged mom out there, to the discouraged woman who's trying her best, and to resource her right behind that encouragement with practical tools so that she can begin to feel more intentional and living like she's living the life of purpose that she always desired and dreamed of. 

 

Laura Dugger: Well, I think you definitely do that well. Susan, this time has just been so enriching. If a listener does want to follow up with you online, where can they find you and your resources? 

 

Susan Seay: Well, I hope they do. I hope that I've met some new friends here. My website is my name, Susanseay.com. And they're welcome to find me there. Also on socials, Facebook, and Instagram at SusanLC. And they can find me either way there. [00:47:27] 

 

But I welcome them to come to my website, go to that front page of my website and enter their name and email address. And what I'd love to send them is a PDF self-evaluation form that has 12 Things Intentional Parents Do Differently. I think it's 12 Things Intentional Moms Do Differently is actually the title. And they can go through those 12 things, evaluate each one personally, and then from that place, use that as a starting place for how they want to be more intentional with their families. 

 

Laura Dugger: Awesome. Well, we will make it as easy as possible and link to all of that in our show notes. Susan, I just have one more question for you. We're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. And so we would all love to know, what is your savvy sauce? 

 

Susan Seay: Fabulous. That's a fun question. I would say that for me, I tend to be a person who loves a plan. I keep buying planners and hoping that my life would be more planned out. [00:48:33] And I can plan and strategize and I can become super serious about making a sandwich and serving lunch. 

 

So one of the keys that I have adopted in my life as a goal. And that is every day, I want to laugh with every single person in my family. And if you have a family the size of mine, that means there's a lot of laughter going on. And sure, there's a lot of things I could become upset about in a day and I've done it. 

 

And this is just a reminder to me of how important it is that sometimes we need to not be so serious. We need to lighten it up, laugh and enjoy the life we've been given. 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh, that is awesome. Can definitely implement that today. Truly, I have just enjoyed this time. Your enthusiasm is awesome and contagious and your wisdom just oozes out. So thanks for spending your time with us today. 

 

Susan Seay: Absolutely. I've loved it. [00:49:32] 

 

Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.

 

This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.

 

This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. [00:50:37] 

 

We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 

 

So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. 

 

If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him. 

 

At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started? [00:51:39] 

 

First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. 

 

Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. 

 

We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. 

 

Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. [00:52:37] 

 

If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.