50 Understanding Gender Differences in Marriage with Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant

50. Understanding Gender Differences in Marriage with Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant

 

**Transcription Below**

 

Genesis 1:27 (NLT) “So God created human beings in his own image. In the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.” 

 

Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant have been married for 18 years and have 6 remarkable children. Together, they love helping families thrive through understanding and appreciation of one-another’s uniqueness. Ted has his Ph.D. in cognitive psychology and is an Executive Pastor at Granger Community Church. Ang is a licensed counselor and is the Director of Spiritual Growth and Development at Granger Community Church. 

 

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Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti

 

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus 

 

Sample of Books by Recommended Author, Deborah Tannen

You Just Don’t Understand

 

That’s Not What I Meant

 

Talking from 9-5

 

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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

 

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

 

Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

 

Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” 

 

Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” 

 

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

 

Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” 

 

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

 

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” 

 

Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

 

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

 

Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

 

Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

 

Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

 

Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

 

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

 

**Transcription**

 

[00:00:00] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. 

 

[00:00:17] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.

 

I am thrilled to introduce you to our sponsor, Winshape Marriage. Their weekend retreats will strengthen your marriage and you will enjoy this gorgeous setting, delicious food, and quality time with your spouse. To find out more, visit them online at winshapemarriage.org. That's winshapemarriage.org. Thanks for your sponsorship. 

 

Today I get to introduce you to a couple that my husband and I met while we were living in Indiana. Dr. Ted and Ang Bryant have been married for 18 years and they have six remarkable kids. They're passionate about helping families thrive. 

 

Ted has his PhD in cognitive psychology and is the Executive Pastor at Granger Community Church in Mishawaka, Indiana. Ang is a licensed counselor and is the Director of Spiritual Growth and Development at Granger Community Church. [00:01:27] 

 

Today we're going to learn more about gender differences in marriage, and I think you'll especially find it helpful when they discuss the house analogy. Here's our chat. Hello, Bryants. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Hello. 

 

Ang Bryant: Hello.

 

Laura Dugger: So excited to have you guys with us today. Can you just start by telling us a bit about yourselves? 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Well, my name is Ted, and we've been married for 18 years and had some significant schooling in the past, and even more importantly, some great life experiences and opportunities just to dive into our marriage, our relationships as being very different personality-wise. We're just excited to be with you.

 

We now are participating in vocational roles at the church here, and we're excited to help people take steps towards Christ. 

 

Ang Bryant: Yeah, we have six kiddos. One of them is adopted through foster care and just the fun it is of when we understand who God is and what He's up to and how He's intentionally designed us to be different on purpose so we can love each other well and all of that. It just adds so much to family, to parenting, to marriage, to friendship in a way that we get to enjoy richness way more than just conflict. [00:02:39] 

 

Laura Dugger: I love that description. How did you two originally become interested in studying gender differences? 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Well, there were some times where we didn't understand each other. And we thought, you know what, there's probably some really good information and some really good ways in which God has already figured out that we're different and made ways in which we can understand each other better and really understand the heart of each other regardless of what we may be doing through our mouths or how we're acting. 

 

So that really got us interested in looking into how can we communicate better with each other based on some of the differences we have gender-wise from our upbringings. 

 

Ang Bryant: For me, it really is a space for a long time, just as a counselor and pursuing that path, wanting people to be able to hear each other and hear the message that was being sent and just seeing so much miscommunication and just unnecessary conflict, which it felt like with all kinds of people. [00:03:35] 

 

So for me, language is a really big deal, and wanting people to be able to understand and see the value that God is super intentional. 

 

Laura Dugger: In both of your work settings, you work with a lot of couples. So do you ever get much pushback from them about this being too stereotypical? 

 

Ang Bryant: Not often. Sometimes people will say, well, that's not all of me. And so, right, we can't put you in a box. It's not all of you. But here's a way to begin to have common language to start the conversations, to understand, to be able to then translate and appreciate what's being said. 

 

But I mean, we'll talk about the differences in a little bit. And lots of times people are nodding their heads or they're relieved or they're laughing because they're like, Oh, yeah, I thought that was just in our relationship. I didn't realize that was across the board. So more times than not, from my perspective, I would say it's encouraging and helpful to people. People aren't typically offended by stereotypical because we say, you're unique, but this is some common language we can use.

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: I definitely agree that people don't usually get offended. [00:04:39] There are times in which there's some reversals. We usually mention sometimes in this particular area of difference the husband might be a little more in the stereotypical female role, let's say, you gotta get a reversal. But the truth still usually is there are these differences. Even if they're switched, every now and then you still have the same issue of being different, being in some different camps on these things. 

 

Laura Dugger: And so you're saying that regardless of which role they take on, most of the couples you see are more different than similar? 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Yes.

 

Ang Bryant: Absolutely. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Yeah. It's like it's on purpose or something. 

 

Laura Dugger: I love that.

 

Ang Bryant: We have to depend on God to unite us. 

 

Laura Dugger: Well, and that kind of leads into another question I have. How can this knowledge benefit a listener in their current relationship? 

 

Ang Bryant: I think for us it's that it helps people take frustration levels down and honestly whatever judgments they've made about their significant other or just prominent people in their life, feeling like people are either thoughtless or careless or unintentional and realizing, oh, no they just think differently than I do, they're not trying to agitate me or be irritating, it's just different, then there's beautiful value. [00:05:54] And then they actually know how to do team together different. 

 

So the benefit for the listener is it creates a unity and excitement that you can honor each other in a way different space than just feeling like you're annoyed and just have to constantly, oh, well, that's just how they are as opposed to, no, it actually helps you be more aligned when you're working together.

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: I think a lot of times in marriage relationships the longer you're with someone the more assumptions you start to make because you feel like, I know them, I know what this means. And people forget that we change and that we're dynamic. So these assumptions start to grow and then those lead to certain beliefs about the other person. 

 

And many times those are not the most helpful beliefs, and so they start misreading and non-verbal cues, as I know what that means. Instead of communicating about it in a helpful way, it leads to a belief about someone and then a response about that belief and conflict just ensues. 

 

So a lot of times we see is unpacking some gender differences starts to get at root causes of so many conflicts, daily conflicts, little stuff that happens throughout the day because people are just assuming, Oh, I know what they meant by that. In reality, no, actually didn't. You totally misinterpreted that because you're viewing it from your gender perspective. [00:07:16] So a lot of conflict resolution or conflict prevention actually comes out of these conversations. 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh, that makes a lot of sense. I was even talking with my friend Lauren today. She's The Savvy Sauce's social media lead. She and her husband were missionaries in Thailand, and she said, it's culture 101 that people only do what makes sense to them. So to only think, "Why are they doing that? That doesn't make any sense to me." Well, they're doing it because it makes sense to them. And it sounds like you're kind of saying the same thing even within gender. 

 

Ang Bryant: Absolutely. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: And then if you add tension or frustration or anger into that, you're going to retreat more and more back into your wheelhouse what you know to be true, what you have confidence in, which again makes that difference even greater. 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh, that's good. We'll unpack some of these a little bit more later, but could you give a few examples of some of the most common gender differences that we're talking about here?

 

Ang Bryant: Yeah. The top one that stands out for me right now is just eye contact. [00:08:18] When women are sitting together around sharing with one another, women just tend to have more eye contact going on. And when they ask a fellow woman a question, what's up, women respond pretty quickly. 

 

So what happens, men, even little boys, you don't see them on the playground staring into each other's eyes. Guys typically have deep conversations sitting next to each other, like on the couch, looking out, not even looking at each other per se. So when you put a husband and wife together and she asks him a question and he's not looking at her, oftentimes she thinks he's not paying attention. He's not listening to me. But that's not true. It's just resulting in a different response. And so how we take in the situation and what we assume about it is just different. So eye contact is one of those huge differences. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Yeah, eye contact, it provides evidence in different ways to men and women. For women, a lot of conversation, again, we're getting a little bit more into stereotypes, but a lot of conversation within women isn't just what's said, it's what's not said. It's what's in between what's said.

 

So the eye contact really reassures women, hey, they're telling the truth or they're really tracking with me. It's additional evidence. [00:09:36] Men stereotypically have a little more of a straightforward style on some of their communication. Eye contact is then not required as much for that additional evidence. It's whatever is said. And so becomes very awkward to have that eye contact with men because we don't typically do that. We're more action-oriented even when we're conversing about things. So eye contact is one of those things people don't even realize. 

 

But when people communicate really well, what you actually see is they don't sit straight out like men staring into the sky but they also don't face each other directly. A lot of times are kind of a diagonal. If you set them on like a love cedar on a couch, kind of tilted in towards each other, almost like a compromise you naturally see that in couples that actually have really good communication. 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh, that's so interesting. In addition to those examples, both of you have studied the Bible and psychology. How has that study of both contributed to your framework for gender differences? [00:10:40] 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Well, one of the things for me is making sure everyone understands early on this is not a better or worse situation. God loves each of us. The Bible in general, especially in its day, but even today, unbelievably outstanding in how men and women, male and female, are valued tremendously. 

 

So early on, the biblical narrative is there is value regardless of where we land on these differences. It's intentional. It's purposeful. And God has so much value in these differences. It's not, Hey, you husband should become just exactly like your wife, that's the goal, or you wife should be just like your husband, that's the goal. That's not the goal. 

 

That brings a sense of relief a lot of times to people and it's also convicting to people to say, Hey, you know what, deep down I have been trying to get her to be just more like me. Life would just be better and easier if we didn't have all these differences. 

 

Again, we just don't see that in scripture, whether it's in Jesus choosing His disciples, not just the 12, but all those that followed Him, men and women, all kinds of differences in personality and gifting and ability. So these differences, they're intentional, and it can be celebrated in that way. [00:11:59] 

 

Ang Bryant: I think for me, it's really, you know, Genesis 1:26 and 27, right? God created man and woman in His image. In His image He created them. We've already said it several times, but it's purposeful. When we work together as men and women, we actually get to see more fully who God is, all of the ways that He sees, all of the ways that He initiates and He nurtures and He cares for people. 

 

Psychology oftentimes, for me, feels like it catches up with what the Bible has already been telling us. Like we discover, oh yeah, that's how that goes when we care for one another and just families, right? When we honor each other and we see one another's giftings and we help each other become all that we're supposed to be instead of trying to conform you to one certain way, well, families thrive. Because kids are different. They're not carbon copies of each other. So how do we even honor the fun differences of kids and let them be who they are knowing that, again, God did that on purpose. We get to teach each other. 

 

Laura Dugger: You've given us a great scripture reference there. We can link to that in the show notes. Are there any other helpful psychological tips that listeners may not be aware of? [00:13:09] 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: They may be aware of it a little bit, they just may be slightly in denial of it. But it's important as people enter into these sorts of conversations to understand everyone's not like you. And it sounds so simple. But we grow up thinking all the other houses, all the other homes are like our home. You know, we have these assumptions about people may just be a little bit different than me but they're basically the same as me. And don't we all have equal value? 

 

It's important psychologically people understand this person… I need to step out of my box, out of my circle and really try to get into where they are and have true empathy. From their perspective and where they're coming from. Any sort of conversation about differences in the value differences, it's that willingness to listen to the other perspective and try to get your mind around that. It's really helpful. 

 

Laura Dugger: What would be some ways that couples could try to do that? 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: I think listening to this podcast, going to workshops. I mean, sometimes, honestly, it's hearing it from a third party, saying, Hey, there are differences and they are okay, they are good. And here's some of the differences. And all of a sudden, they're not triggered by their spouse and some word that they used or some rut of conflict that they're in. And they're able to just listen a little bit differently because they are both participating in a workshop or in a conference or listening to a podcast or reading something together just as a participant, both receiving it. You're not trying to convince each other of it. [00:14:37] 

 

Ang Bryant: I think, you know what, what if we started again? I wasn't trying to change you, I was trying to understand you. And accepting that marriage and relationships and parenting were never designed to be easy. They're designed to require hard work because people are worth it. People are worth our time, investing in them and learning and offering forgiveness and trying to sit through things. 

 

So part of it is just how do we surrender to a new mindset instead of just assuming, "Oh, I know how this goes." And exactly what Ted said, right? You get in this rut of it, "Huh? We have the same conflict over and over and over again. So then people get to just resigned hopelessness. I guess this is as good as it gets. And so then they look elsewhere to try to fulfill needs. That no, no, you can find that in your marriage and in your family, but it takes honoring the differences rather than being annoyed by them. 

 

Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor. 

 

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Laura Dugger: For anybody who's listening and still curious about their gender differences, maybe with their spouse, could you give some more examples just to provide some context? 

 

Ang Bryant: Yeah. One of them is just the idea of how when women often talk to one another, they don't always look to women to solve the problem. They're just looking to vent or to share or to release the struggle or frustration. 

 

But for men, young boys and on up, men typically only share with men when they've tried to solve the problem on their own and they can't find a solution. So then they go to a fellow brother who gets him, who understands, who's trustworthy, and they can say, "Hey, I'm struggling with this," with the full expectation, oh, you're going to give me a solution for this situation. 

 

So with those two different mindsets, when you bring a husband and wife together, and the wife is sharing, "I've had a really hard day. This went wrong. It didn't go well," and he's thinking because I love her so much and because I've had experience in man's world I know I'm gonna ride in on my white horse and save the day. I'm gonna give her a solution so she never has to feel this pain again. We're gonna solve this. [00:18:07] 

 

So she gets done sharing, he listens, he affirms, and then he said, Honey, you could have an [inaudible 00:18:14] solution. And oftentimes women get upset. "You weren't even listening" and off she goes. And he's like, "What my heart was for you and I'm trying to help you."

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: "Fine, whatever" is usually what comes next. 

 

Ang Bryant: So just even that small difference of what's the expectation of why we're having the conversation that can really, if you have similar language, be resolved in a sentence by the wife simply saying, "Hey, Honey. I just need you to listen," or "I'm coming to you with a struggle. Actually I need you to help me solve this," which typically gets the man super excited.

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Ohoo. 

 

Ang Bryant: Or it's the husband asking if she doesn't initiate that. "Okay, I heard what you said. Do you want me to solve this problem or are you just looking for me to listen?" So that simple difference is a big one. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Because in man's world, you never want to share your weaknesses. You spend much of your life trying to build your armor. So there's no logical reason why you would share a weakness unless it truly was to solve the problem. [00:19:15] So this really does come out of a heart of, like Ang said, I don't want to feel this pain again. 

 

However, many times the solution the man offers she's already thought of that. So sometimes the reaction is from the woman, "What? You think I'm an idiot honey? I've already thought of that." She may not say that but she may feel like, I've already thought about that.

 

So many times for the man to be able to even share from his own perspective something that he has struggled with so that she doesn't feel all alone, like, I'm the only one messing up. I'm the only one struggling. He shares some of that because that's what happens in women's world. 

 

Even if women don't want to share struggles with each other, they just made each other that a conference around the table, if they are kind of forced to, hey, share something that was hard this past week, you get halfway around that table and that table is bonding with each other. They're really bonding because they're sharing struggles with each other. You get to the last person on that table and she's like, "You know what, I'm not gonna share. All the other women are thinking, Who does she think she is? We all share. [00:20:19] 

 

That doesn't happen in man's world. We don't bond very many times through sharing of struggles. So it's a bit of a foreign concept for a lot of men which is why women their husband's their best friend. They just want to bond with their husband like they do with other women. And so share some struggles with each other. Men want to bond with their wife like they do other men, solving problems. And so that's how you get this confrontation sometimes that happens, husband to wife. 

 

Laura Dugger: The first step may be just seeking to understand, and then that can lead to celebration instead of resentment of the differences. 

 

Ang Bryant: Absolutely. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Yeah.

 

Ang Bryant: You don't assume the other one is being thoughtless. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Another one that comes to mind is something we call the emotional labeling scale. Little girls when they're growing up they have a very large library of emotions that they learn in early age. 

 

Ang Bryant: Words to describe. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Words to describe. Emotional labels that they describe, even their pretend play when they're young. I mean, if they pretend playing with some figurines or whatever, and this is just a stereotypical example, but you know, you have a princess in a castle and she's lonely and she's sad and she's threatened by this dragon. She doesn't know what to do. I mean, it's very emotional. [00:21:36] 

 

A young boy may come into that scene and go, "You know, what's going on? and there's a drag and he's like, The drag need the princess. I mean there is a lot of, hey, let's dive old and get into the emotional language of a situation. 

 

So you have men that have grown up from boyhood learning two or three or four emotional labels, where you have little girls that have grown up in the young women who have this library, this bank of emotional labels. And so when that woman and that man get together, what happens is they expect the other person to respond as if they were the same gender. 

 

Early on in our marriage, for instance, I made some mistakes, I still make some mistakes but a little more then. And Ang came out when one night and said, "Hey, Honey, how do I look?" And I not being as wise as I am now, I said, "Honey, you look really good." She said, "Okay, fine, I'll go change." I was like, "No, no. No, don't know, don't change. You look great. You look wonderful." I mean, at that point I'm just digging a hole. It wasn't helpful. [00:22:41] 

 

What's behind that? You see women understand... let's say in the middle of the road on emotional labeling scale is okay. One end is like horrible, devastated, the other end is like unbelievably excited and happy, and right in the middle is kind of okay. 

 

Well as you progress negatively women know the difference between okay and not okay and frustrated and annoyed and angry and the list goes on. There's actually different marks on the scale from okay to really horribly devastated the end. And same thing going from okay to unbelievably happy and excited on the other end. There's lots of marks, lots of notches on that scale. 

 

The problem is for men, you go one step in from this horrible rage, anger at one end, and the other end, which is unbelievably happy, you just take one little notch in on either side, and the whole distance, including okay, the whole distance of the scale is fine, or okay. It's like we have two or three labels for that entire scale almost. And it can be a shrug. It doesn't even have to be verbal. "You know, how are you feeling?" "Ah, you know." That encompasses about twenty-five emotional labels that women "are fine" does. [00:23:56] 

 

So if I respond to Ang she looks really good, she hears good at a very different place on her scale than what I meant it on my scale. So that can create a lot of confusion. When I say really good, what I really was trying to communicate was fantastic, you know, or unbelievable. But men don't have a lot of those labels. They don't grow up with those labels. And so there becomes a lot of miscommunication, and honestly a lot of disappointment, especially women to men. 

 

Women can come home from work or whatever and they're talking to their husband and say things like, Hey, Honey how was your day at work? And he may respond with, you know, "It was good or it was fine. There are a couple things that were okay, and she feels very unfulfilled. Like, "That's it? It's all you gonna give me?" And he's like, "Yeah, it was good." And he's done. That's the description. He's used all four of the emotional labels that he had and she is feeling... Because she's expecting to hear from him like she would another woman much more with emotional labels. [00:25:03] And he doesn't actually have that to give all the time. 

 

So the goal that would be meant to, again, learn some more emotional labels though they most likely will not be able to learn all of them. That's not the goal. But to learn some. And for women to understand more about the heart behind the label that the man really does get. And that comes with time. But that's another thing that happens between gender differences.

 

Laura Dugger:  That's so good my husband has always said this, he's a lot wiser than I am, but just the reminder, assume the best. Like when you do, it usually is true of the other person. Speaking of my husband, I remember we were at a conference years ago and you two were describing gender differences, and you used a house analogy. Could you recap that illustration?

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Yes. One way that we can talk about differences in communication is you imagine a studio apartment. This is like a woman's brain. So in your apartment there's no walls and everything's just kind of one big room. [00:26:07] Everything is connected. The bedroom's connected to the kitchen, to the living room, the bathroom may have a door on but it's right there with everything. And more metaphorically, from a woman's point of view, everything is connected. Like emotions and job and kids if there's kids, our relationship, all the different topics, all the different things going on in her life, there's not a lot of walls between them. And there's lots of different connections that are always there between those different topics in their life. 

 

With men, however, it's pretty different, fairly drastically different, actually. Their brain is wired up more like a house with multiple rooms. So you have those same sorts of labels in the rooms, like a bathroom, a bedroom, a kitchen, or a living room. And there's walls and doors that separate all those, so they're different from each other. 

 

And then there's a hallway right down the middle of that house. You're like, What's in the hallway? And the men say nothing. Nothing at all. There's no label in the hallway. There's nothing. Women just look perplexed. Like, how in the world?  Because from their studio apartment things are always to be seen. There's always something to be thinking about. The topics are always related to each other. [00:27:25] 

 

But in men's world with that house there's actually a hallway where men can be thinking about nothing at all. I can come in from doing yard work for hours and may say, hey, what are you thinking about and I can say, "I don't know. Nothing." I mean, the yard got mowed. I'm not sure how." And she might not have any idea that that's even possible. 

 

So what starts to happen? She may start again to assume things like, Oh, he just doesn't want to tell me. Oh, I wonder what he was thinking about. Maybe it wasn't about me, it was about somebody else. Now, Ang wouldn't do that but that's what can happen in a marriage because we don't understand even that one small piece of a hallway versus a studio apartment. 

 

To take this now even further, there's beauty in this difference as well. So women have an unbelievable ability to see patterns and things. They can see how this year of their life is connected to this other area of their life and it's beautiful. And many times because you know from scripture when Eve comes on the scene, if you look at the Hebrew, it's really about this help me warrior type of personality. [00:28:33] 

 

It's not just some passive helper that does things that the man doesn't want to do. Oh, no, it's a partnership from the beginning. Because that terminology is actually used for Israel's military allies later on in the Old Testament. So this is the ally even from military stance. 

 

One thing you know from allies is that they oftentimes can see the enemy coming before the home country does. And I've seen that multiple times in our life. Ang has warn me about somebody, "Oh, watch out for them." I've only talked to them for two seconds. She's like, "I just got a bad feeling about it." 

 

And sometimes women can have this ability to see patterns and things whether it's in parenting, in marriage or even threats to the family of the marriage long before the man can because of how intertwined and interwoven all the parts of her life are. 

 

From a man's world there's an ability that can be frustrating at times to women, but men because of how their brains wired up can have this incredible ability to block everything else out, close the door on the room and just focus, just get the job done. [00:29:40] 

 

And they can do this without getting distracted by anything else. They can just focus, which is an incredible ability when something really needs to be done. And so that can be frustrating if women are trying to have a conversation, if a wife's trying to have a conversation with her husband while he's focused on something else. 

 

She doesn't understand why can't he just pop out of that for a second and talk about this other topic? But because of the room he's in, he's gotta get out of that room walk down the hallway into whatever the other room is she wants to get to, emotions or something else. And that oftentimes brings a delay or brings a frustration. 

 

Where in women's world it's all right there. Women can ask another woman, Hey, what do you think about the food that I cooked? What do you think about that show we went to? If there's a delay in the other woman, automatically women's world you think that they're lying, you think they're covering something up. Because in women's worlds all connected. The truth is at the top. There's no need for delay. It's a studio apartment. The truth answer is right there. 

 

But in man's world, again, sometimes the answers in a different room and we gotta get out of that room were in, walk down the hallway and so there's oftentimes a delay when men respond and automatically women assume he's lying, he's covering it up. [00:30:56] 

 

Because again, the base cause of all of this is that we communicate to someone of the opposite gender. Husbands communicate to their wives how they talk to them and how they listen to them. They communicate as if their wife was a man and vice versa. Women ultimately are communicating expecting a woman's response. 

 

That's at the basis of all of this. We grow up, eighty-five percent of our time is in same-sex, same gender groups. And so that's will become experts at. So from a studio apartment we're gonna communicate expecting responses from someone else living in studio apartment. 

 

Men living in a house. We're gonna communicate and we're gonna listen expecting responses from someone else who's living in a house with a hallway, where we can sit together and watch a movie for three hours, don't talk about anything but we're closer together than what we were before. And that just doesn't make any sense in a studio apartment mindset. [00:31:58] 

 

Ang Bryant: One of the things that comes up, just quickly, about that as well is so say you have a fight in the morning, an argument with your spouse and you both head off to work and there has been a whole lot of results. He can talk that away. So she's thinking about it all day long, it's swirling and it's agitating and it's causing distraction throughout the day and so she comes home still upset. But he could have blocked it out, closed that door, gone into work, done a great job, hyper-focused at work, come back, and now he's just excited to see his wife and tries to say hey or make a pass at her and she's like, "What? I'm still mad at you from this morning." 

 

And so it's this way of understanding, no he's not being thoughtless, it's our ability of how our brains even have sections or openness. So part of the result then as a couple is, all right, man, how do you find a way to get your wife in every room so that you are thinking about her throughout the day, even if it's a post-it note on your computer or reminder on your phone, that just calls you out of that room to, Oh yeah, and how do you get God in every room? 

 

And then women, how do you find a way to invite God with the patterns that you're thinking, to just pause and again, like you said, Laura, trust the best in your spouse, even when they're pausing, even when they respond different than you would. [00:33:17] 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: And help the men also with those transition spaces at times. It's helpful.

 

Ang Bryant: Yeah, can we talk? I'd love to talk about this. When is a good time to talk about that? As opposed to interrupting him during the game while he's watching something. Give me a moment to come out of the door down the hallway.

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: One of my favorite things with this analogy is we've often heard a wife come to her husband say, "Oh, I've been thinking about you all day long." "Oh, have you been thinking about me? And he, wanting to be honest, he pauses second, he's thinking to himself like, Well, I thought about her I think like at lunch and one or two other times. If he says to her, Yeah, Honey, I thought about you once, that would devastate her. Like, how in the world could you only think about me once? 

 

Because again from her studio apartment mindset, she's connected regardless of where she goes, regardless of what she's engaged in, her husband is somehow connected to that thing. That's just not the reality and less men intentionally make it the reality in the house. [00:34:17] 

 

So it is not an excuse for men. It is an awareness so that men know, I need to intentionally take the step to get my wife, who is not like anyone else, to Get my wife into each of these rooms. I can do whatever it takes and then habits form and it becomes a very, very beautiful thing. But that oftentimes comes up. That little woundedness of "have you thought about me?" it comes from the differences there. 

 

Laura Dugger: Some of you have reached out to find specific books or resources that we have mentioned in one of our episodes. That's why I'm so excited to let you know about our new Resources tab. When you visit thesavvysauce.com, you can now click on our new tab called Resources. There you will find all the resources we've ever mentioned on all the episodes of The Savvy Sauce. And when you purchase a resource from that list, you actually support our work at The Savvy Sauce. 

 

We also spend a lot of time preparing show notes for every individual episode, so you can still access the websites, scripture, and recommended resources when you click on any individual episode. We hope you take advantage of these features so you can apply all that you've learned. [00:35:24] 

 

Let's transition to a really practical level. What is one thing that a husband can do today to understand his wife a little bit better? 

 

Ang Bryant: He's going to tag me in on this. I thought you were answering that. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: You can go first on this one. 

 

Ang Bryant: One of it is letting go of the judgment that she's just so emotional and it's so complex, I'm never going to understand her. So just kind of smile and nod when she's talking. So really a tangible thing is when she's struggling and sharing the struggle with you, it's because she trusts you. You're the one person that's for her the most, and she trusts you the most and feels the most safe with you. And so you just providing listening ears and affirmation is the care that she's looking for, even though you might feel like if she walks away without a solution, that was a pointless conversation. It's not. Her heart feels cared for. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: I think one thing that a husband can do right away is pray about how can he help his wife feel chosen. That outside of God, there is no doubt in her mind that she is next, that she is chosen, that she is cherished. That sort of, God, what can I do, what belief need to have? Really going to God in prayer about helping his wife feel chosen.

 

Because it's gonna be the difficult thing for us in workshops to say, Oh, just this this or this. No. Every marriage will be different. There's different love languages and different personality types. It's really a space of become an investigator of your wife, pray to God and try to listen to Him and take note of "how can I help her feel chosen?" [00:37:07] Because if a woman feels chosen in the marriage, there is a whole lot of grace for many, many other things. And so that's one of the first things. 

 

Laura Dugger: And let's flip it then on the wife. What is one thing that a wife can do today to understand her husband better? 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: I would say one thing that a wife could do pretty immediately is don't assume there isn't depth just because there aren't a lot of words all the time. Many times it is finding the right time to talk or finding the right outlet or the right way to connect. If they feel like their husband is just locked emotionally or won't communicate, there's usually depth in there. It's just trying to get find when is he most likely to talk, when is he most likely to connect?

 

It's somewhat similar to the first question. Be a little more investigator. Especially as you are married for longer periods of time, we oftentimes think, oh, we know this person by now. Well, we all change over time and we have different stages of life and different phases of our marriage. Become an investigator again and start taking notes of, Oh, this is when my spouse is really... Wow, they're really excited here. They have a lot of energy here. And try to approach him during those times. 

 

Laura Dugger: And you also mentioned how, so not only when to approach him, but how. Could you give the women listening a few examples? [00:38:35] 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Yes, definitely. Shared activity is one of the sure wins typically in man's world. So whether it might be a walk together or something that he enjoys doing, just participating in it, just being there, being near. A lot of times men appreciate just a buddy, someone who's there with them hanging out with them when they're doing something. And many times that quantity of time turns into some quality conversations. 

 

Again, it may feel a little bit different than women's world where if you're with someone you usually engaging them in conversation or engaging them in some sort of intentionality all the time. So joining their husband in an activity that he enjoys I think in a lot of times lead to some great conversation. 

 

Ang Bryant: Even if you're bringing up something that you're having conflict or frustration about the how is you come to him with what's affirmation? What are you thankful for about him first? What are you proud of him for first? [00:39:37] And enter into those encouragements before you enter into "and how do we deal with this problem? What do we do with this struggle?" He needs to feel like he's winning somewhere instead of constantly feeling like he's failing. That's hard to engage in conversation.

 

For me, I think what a wife can do is right now, today, just understand that it's such a gift that your husband is simple. There is a few things that are sure win for him. So I don't have to learn 25 things, but what are the three things for him that he needs that are life-giving and rejuvenating, and how can I pour into those things? 

 

So it's partially waking up, instead of thinking of myself first, it's thinking, all right, God, how can we love our husband today? As opposed to, huh, I'm going to keep a list of how he's loving me or not loving me today, because that just ends in resentment and bitterness. And so it becomes this, hey, no, what if I had a servant heart and just was thankful for the simplicity of how he could feel cared for? [00:40:37] 

 

Laura Dugger: Those are some great ideas. Do either of you have any recommended resources in case listeners want to dive deeper into studying gender differences? 

 

Ang Bryant: So we did a lot of studying. Deborah Tannen, T-A-N-N-E-N, has done all kinds of research and talk in her books. Like you just don't understand, that's not what I said, even then go between men and women and then like mothers and daughters and conversations and in the workplaces. And so these gender differences of conversation and how is not translating conversation well leads to just hurtness and conflict. She's a really great resource.

 

Laura Dugger: That's great. Any to add, Ted? 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: There's a lot of books. Men Are Like Waffles-Women Are Like Spaghetti or Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. Many of them have similar concepts. But I would again go back to Deborah's work. It's a little more research-based, and it's pretty core foundationally to a lot of the other books. I would definitely recommend her as a good starting point. 

 

Laura Dugger: Well, this podcast is named The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. So as we conclude today, what is your savvy sauce? [00:41:49] 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: That's a great question. For me, when we talk about gender differences, it really is understanding whenever I'm communicating my operating system my foundation is going to be built off of I'm thinking this other person I'm talking to is actually me, my gender, with my background, with my inside information. And that's gonna be a bit of a default for us, whether it's someone on the street or spouse. 

 

So, continually reminding yourselves, hey, this person is not me. Okay, what do I need to do about that? Ooh, they're different gender. Ooh, I know what I can do with that. Being a little more intentional and thoughtful and all the conversations will pay off huge dividends.  

 

And once you get in the habit of some of that, you won't even be thinking about it anymore. You will have grown in your skill and ability, whether it's with your spouse or with your mom or your dad or your brother or sister or co-workers who are different gender. It will continue to give you rewards with a little bit of intentionality up front. [00:42:57] 

 

Ang Bryant: I would say for me the immediate is, though it might sound cheesy or corny, really taking 10 seconds and just saying, okay, so what I heard you say was... And restating back. We talk about this like drive-through communication. We're so willing at fast food places to like stop, share our order, repeat our order. The people in the window share back what we ordered. Sometimes it's on a screen. Then we pull forward when we feel like they actually got it right. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: And then we still check the bag just to make sure.

 

Ang Bryant: Maybe it's accurate. If we would slow down and just check in, we had a conversation, okay, what did you hear me say? Instead of being like, well, that's psychobabble. No, no, it's great communication because even though I felt like I said it clearly, I'm not sure what they received. So just checking, okay, what's the message you heard? Because then in the moment we can clarify just like we do with drive-thru fast food communication. Honestly, our relationships and our families absolutely are way more worth our time than how we order food. [00:44:00] 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Yeah, communication is not what is said, it's what is heard and felt. And so taking that extra moment to ask those simple questions, well worth it. 

 

Laura Dugger: Well, you two are just so much fun to chat with. You're full of joy and energy. I really appreciate you sharing your time and expertise with us today. 

 

Dr. Ted Bryant: Thank you. It's been fun. 

 

Ang Bryant: Absolutely. 

 

Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.

 

This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. [00:44:59] But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.

 

This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. 

 

We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 

 

So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [00:46:11] 

 

If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him. 

 

At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?

 

First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. 

 

Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. 

 

We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:47:12] 

 

Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. 

 

If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.