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Practical Chats for Intentional Living
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Thursday Oct 18, 2018
Thursday Oct 18, 2018
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:17] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's episode includes some thematic material. I want you to be aware before you listen in the presence of little ears.
I want to say thank you to Leman Property Management for being such a loyal sponsor of The Savvy Sauce. They're located in Central Illinois and with over 1,600 apartment homes in all price ranges, they have listings throughout Morton, Pekin, Peoria, Washington, and Canton. They can find the perfect spot for you.
Check them out today at MidwestShelters.com or like them on Facebook by searching Leman, L-E-M-A-N, Property Management Company. We'll make sure and put a link in our show notes. Thanks again for the sponsorship.
Today we welcome Rachel Faulkner Brown to The Savvy Sauce. I have never heard a story quite like Rachel's. I promise you're going to experience joy and hope and a yearning for heaven as you listen to her tremendous loss and redemption in Jesus. Here's our chat. [00:01:24]
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Rachel.
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Hello, Laura. This is so exciting.
Laura Dugger: We're so glad to have you. The first time that I heard you speak, I was just marveling at your story. So will you walk us through your journey?
Rachel Faulkner Brown: So, grew up, born and raised in Florence, Alabama, and had just an idyllic childhood. I mean, really. I grew up on the lake there, Wilson Lake. My sweet little 70-year-old granddaddy would take me and my high school friends on the lake every day, and he taught them all how to ski. It was just... oh my gosh, it was just a neat little childhood, honestly. [00:02:05]
Parents were both teachers and ended up going to college in my hometown. My parents said, "Well pay for everything if you stay here. And if you go to Alabama, to the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa, then we'll pay for school, but you have to pay for everything else." And I was like, "No, no, no, I don't work. I can't do that." I never had a job at that point, so I was like, "That would be awful." So I just stayed at home and it was amazing. I had a blast in college.
The first week of school, I met my future husband. He was driving a car with a spoiler, which in 1994, that was all that anybody ever wanted on their car was a spoiler and a personalized license plate. And he had both. And I was like, "He's rich. This is amazing. He's cute and he's rich." I mean, my standards at 17 were so high for myself.
His name was Todd Faust and he was just a stud frankly. He ran cross-country. We had our first date. We went to watch Rudy with his mom. I was so in love. [00:03:08] I graduated from college in May of 1998, on May the 16th, and we got married May the 23rd of '98, and moved to Tuscaloosa.
I got a graduate assistant program assistantship at Alabama in public relations and advertising, and he was working as a drug rep. Life was just amazing. We ended up moving back to Florence and I got a drug rep job too.
Then on September 11th, you remember, everybody listening to this, remembers where they were of 2001. I was sitting right there at my desk and as dumbfounded as the rest of the world, but my personal September 11th was actually five days later on September 16th.
We had gone to church and had just an amazing time, went to eat barbecue afterward. I can remember it like it was yesterday. He went to play a game of pickup basketball, and I went to a wedding shower. [00:04:03] I got a phone call from my best friend and she said, "Todd's been hurt. I think he broke his leg." And I was like, "Oh, he rolled his ankle. I'll be right there." Because he played basketball three mornings a week at 5:30. So he had constantly having little injuries here and there, but he was still a super athlete. So we never really got him down.
I drove as fast as I could to her house and found Todd, who was 27, I was 23 at the time, and he was laying lifeless. One of our physicians that we called on, one of our doctors, was playing with him and was doing CPR. I knew immediately that it was really bad, but at the same time, never ever dreamed that my worst nightmare was about to happen.
Just like you see on the movies, they come out and they say, "Ms. Faust, we did everything we could." Todd had had an aneurysm, and when he fell on the concrete, his spinal cord was severed.
So it was just... you can imagine to be 23 and to have the love of your life... We'd spent almost eight years of our life together, dated all through college for four years and then we're married for three and a half and had just an amazing time. [00:05:15] Actually that Sunday that he died we were talking about having children.
And honestly, Laura, the only thing that I look back on and I can see the why, the good... you know, I mean, there's a lot of things that happened, but specifically that day is my friend Melanie was at the hospital with us. Then she came back to my house and she saw Todd's jacket... I'm not sure I've ever talked about this, but she saw Todd's jacket on the barstool in my kitchen.
And when she saw his sports coat from church, it like just did something to her. Like she realized she had no community. She wasn't really going to church at that point. They were just kind of living the newly married out of college, you know, like let's just figure it all out.
She was just devastated. And she looked at me and she said, "I don't know how you're doing this." And I was just crying like everybody else. We were all in total shock. I mean Todd was like the picture of health. We lived in a small town of 40,000 people and he went to church with a thousand people and so did I growing up. So it's like word spread so fast and people just couldn't believe it. [00:06:19]
So here's Melanie standing there in front of me, "I don't know how you're doing this," and all I heard was the Holy Spirit say, "She doesn't know me like I want her to know me." And I was like, "Oh, okay." I can't explain how.
I mean, there's no way outside the power of the Holy Spirit to explain how you could go in a bedroom and how she could stand up truly a new creation. But she just didn't have a relationship with Jesus. And because of Todd's death, she recognized, "Oh, wow, He's real, and Todd went somewhere. There's a choice, and I really want a relationship. I don't want to just be playing a game."
She grew up under the law, frankly. She grew up on just rules, and I've got to be good, and how good is good enough, as one of our favorite pastors, Andy Stanley, says. I mean, there is no good. I mean, Jesus has to be it for us. [00:07:16]
So every time September 16th rolls around, I text Melanie and say, "Happy birthday. Today's the day you live forever." It was the day Todd died, but I don't remember it like that. I remember it as the day that Melanie lived forever because I know Todd is walking on streets of gold. He got the ultimate prize. I mean, sadly, we're the ones stuck here. But we have a lot of work to do, and I knew God, you know, was going to do that again.
I mean, the whole point of a testimony, the whole point of you doing these podcasts and people interviewing is for the Lord to do it again in somebody else's life. That's what the word testimony means in the Greek.
So moved on. I would sit in my bedroom after Todd died and rock myself like a crazy person singing Fernando Ortega's Give Me Jesus. I mean, for those people who are listening that are grieving right now, I mean, worship was how I fought the battle of loneliness. [00:08:13]
The word never comes back void. So whether I'm singing it, whether I'm reading it, I mean, no matter what, the promise is, it will never come back void. And it certainly didn't in my life. You know, sitting there with my dog howling at me because she couldn't stand to hear me sing. I mean, it was hysterical. I look at it now and I'm like, "If I'd only had a video of myself, if I only could have Instagram storied myself at that point, people would be like, bless her sweet soul. Because it was pitiful. It really was.
But I made it. I was able to date again about a year later and met Blair Faulkner. I actually saw him driving in another car on Thanksgiving, and I came home and I told my mom, I was like, "Blair was supposed to be at usher at our wedding." And I said, "Mom, he's 35. He loves Jesus. I should totally go out with him."
His parents and my in-laws, Blair's parents, and Todd's parents were best friends. And I was like, "This is just too good to be true." He came and picked me up. Actually, he just came to my house the day before Christmas Eve in 2002 and he brought me a Beth Moore devotional. And I pretty much could have married him that night Laura seriously. It was pretty much love at first sight. [00:09:27]
Of course, I didn't have that many options. I mean, not many people are like woohoo, a widow, you know? I mean that's just not something everybody wants to sign up for because it's hard. So yeah, we had a fast and furious relationship. It was so fun. He lived in New Orleans, so we would kind of go back and forth and flying out of Birmingham.
I mean, I would take that Friday afternoon flight out of Birmingham and just... I mean, like a giddy little school girl could not wait to see him. He was a fighter pilot in New Orleans flying the A-10. So he was wearing that green monkey flight suit that frankly is just so sexy. I mean, there is just nothing like a flight suit. I'm sorry. It is just so cute.
I was totally sucked into the vortex of the flight suit and just his love for the Lord and his cool job. He dropped bombs and shot this huge gun on the front. I mean, I was like, "What is this life? I mean, this is crazy." And the Air Force is just amazing. [00:10:25]
He bought me the Air Force Wives handbook after we got engaged. And I was like, "I've never..." I mean, literally looking at the book made me so proud. I was like, "I cannot believe I'm going to be an Air Force wife." My dad was Army and my mom was an Army wife. I mean, I don't know. It's just such an honorable.
We were married for almost five years. We had two babies. Davis was born first in 2005, and we were living in Columbus, Mississippi. Then Campbell, our baby girl, was born in 2007.
Blair went to work on a beautiful spring day. I mean, it was just stunning. I'll never forget how pretty the day was. Just blue, blue skies. A great day. A little bumpy day to fly but of a great day. He had two sorties that day. He kissed me that morning, I said, "What do you want from Sam's because one of our neighbors was making a Sam's run. He told me he wanted salmon and dried mango. I'll never forget it. And he kissed me "I love you. I've got two flights today." I was like, "We've got swimming lessons. See you when you get home." [00:11:29]
I had a 5-month-old and a two-year-old who was Pistol Pete. That's the only way to describe Davis. So life was not super easy when Blair left the house. But anyway, it was a great, beautiful day. And I get a phone call at about 3.30 from the chaplain at the base. I had just seen him on Sunday. This was Tuesday. It wasn't that odd for him to be calling me. But at the same time, I should have been alerted, but I really wasn't. The call dropped and he called me right back and he just said five words. He said, "We are looking for you." At that point, I knew that pit in the bottom of your stomach. Just, you know, crazy.
Blair and his student pilot that day had taken off and the cable in the wing called an aileron broke right before they accelerated to take off. And so the flap on the plane that you look out when you're sitting in a seat and you look out and you see that flaps. Those flaps have to work properly, obviously, for lift and drag and all those other aerodynamic things. But that flap did not work, and so they immediately crashed with a full tank of gas.
They both ejected, but the trajectory of the ejection seat, it has to be over a certain height. It was 10 days before his 40th birthday, and his student pilot was 21 years old and his wife was seven months pregnant. So, yeah, life just halted. [00:12:59]
But the wing commander came and told me what had happened. I'd driven home at this point, and they told me, I believe 100% that my brain was rewired on the walk back to my house. I just knew that I knew that I knew that... I was a Jesus girl. I was a Jesus follower. We were teaching Bible studies and leading things. I'd always been a committed and surrendered disciple is what I would have called myself for sure.
But this was like a whole nother level. This was just like, who do you really trust? Are you going to let the enemy win and take you out? Because he does come to steal, kill, and destroy our lives. I mean, he is still trying to steal, kill, and destroy me. To this day, I mean, we're talking 10 years later, the enemy is relentless. And if you think he's not, you're fooling yourself, especially if you want to do great things for the kingdom.
So here I am. I was like, this is a choice. [00:13:57] Genesis 50:20, it says, "What you intended for harm, God intended for good and for the saving of many lives. Fear not, I will take care of you and your little children." I totally believe, Laura, on that walk back. I didn't know that scripture then, but of course I know it now. It's totally my life first.
I knew that the enemy was trying to take me out and I knew that thousands and thousands and thousands of lives were at stake. Even in my little tiny town of Columbus, Mississippi, even through the funeral. I mean, I was just like, God will be glorified above all else. I mean, I was like, I'm going to speak at the funeral.
I mean, I just knew what my mission for the rest of my days was in that moment. You know, God had a bigger plan. And as hard as that is to see in our dark days, it's so real. It's just so real. So that's a lot. I'll stop there because you probably have questions.
Laura Dugger: No, that's incredible. Thank you for sharing all the story up to this point. [00:14:50] And just picking up with that last piece, it is amazing to see how God works in the details, because here's something you didn't know. I always will pray about a piece of scripture to tie to each one of these podcasts. And a lot of times I'll have the scripture chosen and typed up before we connect and interview. And the one that I had for you was that exact scripture.
Rachel Faulkner Brown: That's amazing. Of all the scriptures out there, that's what you would have picked. Yeah, it's my life. I mean, really and truly. [00:15:25]
And then to have a five-month-old and a two-year-old, and then for it to say, you know, it's about Joseph and his brothers. They were so evil to him. And then he came back. He's a picture of Jesus. You know, he's a foreshadowing of Jesus. For him to come back in the end, save them all. And then for him to say, fear not, I will take care of you and your little children. And here I am with two little kids who need a daddy, you know, like so desperately need a daddy. But yet at the same time, they know their heavenly Father, even today, in a different way than children are ever supposed to, really. At the same time, it is their greatest weapon.
I tell them that all the time. I'm like, you know, most kids, the worst thing that ever happens to them before they're 20 is their dog dies or their hamster dies. And that's true. I mean, you know, they break a bone. I mean, you hope that that's the worst thing. And yet my kids were so young and have known intense, intense grief and pain. And yet at the same time, it is their greatest strength. It is. [00:16:24]
And I tell them that all the time because I want them to know they are in a class of people that are warriors and know how to fight the enemy's schemes against us. To give that to my children, I can't give that to them any other way. Sad? Oh yeah, it's sad. And at the same time, like, we're here. This is just a flip. We get so hung up on this life. And I'm like, what are we doing? This is so crazy.
Like, there's people out here dying, who are living these miserable lives, even as Christians, frankly. There's so much more. I mean, if that could be a tagline for my life, it would be there's more.
Laura Dugger: I love that. Your experience is just so crazy to sit here and listen to all that you've been through and yet your eternal eyes just focusing so much on what is to come. But as we go back to that time, now you're widowed twice, you have two little kids at home. What did life actually look like and the grieving process for all of you?
Rachel Faulkner Brown: I mean, sadly, I look at Campbell's baby book and I'm like, "I know I was there, but not sure I was fully present." Your brain does go into self-protection mode. You're not trying to do that. It's just what the body does in trauma. It does protect you. So, so many things just get forgotten because your brain just can't handle it all. [00:17:49]
But I will say, immediately afterward, we had two funerals, it was crazy and the grief process was... You know, it's always delayed. I mean, because funerals are just... they're just complicated, and it's crazy, and there's so many people involved. So it's like the healing and the grieving really doesn't start till... for me, it didn't start till all that was over and I really was back alone in my home with my two children upstairs and an empty bed beside me.
That is when everything kind of started. And I will say so. It was like seven days after the funeral, I was alone in my bedroom and... Moses talks about the manifest presence of God, which is just this, can't explain it. For anyone who's listening, who's ever experienced the manifest presence of God, you know, it's like time kind of stands still and you are like, Holy cow, God is doing something so much bigger.
It would be like there's Kronos time and there's Kairos time. So Kairos time if you explain it is like when everything kind of stands still and you're just having a moment like watching your baby sleep or your child says something and you feel like the whole world stops because you don't ever want to forget this moment. [00:19:04]
So it's very hard to explain, but Kronos is like the tick-tock of the clock, just the normal mundane, but Kairos is when the thing stops. The manifest presence of God is basically Kairo's moment on steroids. And that happened to me seven days after I'd been alone, sleeping at home. I was just journaling, trying to remember what had happened at the funerals and all the details and how I felt.
I just remember feeling like there was just this cloud in my bedroom. And I was terrified, because I knew it was His presence. I'd never experienced that before. And I was like, what is happening? And I just spoke out loud, it's 11:30 at night, kids are upstairs sleeping, and I said, "I know that you are here."
And literally, I promise you, Laura, I really feel like the Lord let me experience it so that I would not be riddled with fear to be alone. Because that is... I mean, I have so many friends who their husbands travel and they just can't sleep. Like they have to go sleep with their moms. And that's okay. That's fine. [00:20:09] But I knew as a widow that couldn't be my life. Fear could not get the best of me.
And I think the Lord gave me that experience to say, Hey, listen, no matter what happens to you, I am always here. So I got to experience just that crazy... I mean, there's nothing that can describe it with words. I mean, there's no way I can tell you about it to let you experience it. But anyway, I did experience that.
So that was such a trajectory for my life because I got to experience that, that I think the grief process was faster. I do believe that. I do believe that it wasn't as severe. But I also believe that I was so kind of bankrupt emotionally. I didn't really feel things real deeply. I kind of like everything to be good and happy and see the best in people and choose trust over suspicion and, you know, all the good things. It's very hard to dip down into the hard. [00:21:09]
So two things were working with me, you know, which was my experience with the Lord. And then my emotional bankruptcy was working against me. I ended up in counseling way later than I should have been. That's sad. But you know when you look okay and everybody's dressed, everybody looks cute and everybody's being fed really well and everybody's making it to their appointments... you know, I mean, I was doing all the things so I never...
You know, nobody ever thought she needs counseling, which is just crazy to me. You know, when you're in a small town, there aren't that many counselors. It's not like Atlanta, where there's one on every corner. It's harder in small towns for people to just go find a great counselor.
I did hire a nanny. She would come over every day after she finished college, and she would stay with me until the kids got to bed. [00:22:02] So I could fix dinner and just be normal, but like help me. You know, like a helpmate. And she was awesome.
That was really helpful, I think, for the grief process, too, because I could maintain some normalcy. I could still take care of myself and not just be strapped to two little kids who I couldn't leave. Of course, we were... I mean, I left my children like the week after they were born for a date. I'm all about like husband comes first, you know, kids get in line behind.
I'm just a big proponent of dates and time away from kids and I just think kids just to know that their parents are taking time for each other I think is just so important. We had been doing that. That didn't change for me after Blair died. I was just like, I'm still gonna take care of myself. I'm gonna get my hair done.
I think all those things were good, but I didn't know what I was doing. I was just trying to survive honestly. [00:23:03] So until I got some real help for my emotionally healthy spirituality. I read that book, Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero.
For any of your listeners, if you even remotely might be resonating with not really feeling things deeply, that book changed my life. I read it on a plane. I was actually going out to speak in Iowa, and I read that on the plane out there and dry-heaved cried on the plane. The lady next to me, she said, "I don't know what you're reading, but it must be really good."
Laura Dugger: Oh, wow. Well, and this is such a total side note, but have you ever taken the Enneagram?
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Mm-hmm.
Laura Dugger: So what's your number?
Rachel Faulkner Brown: I'm a seven. What are you?
Laura Dugger: The same.
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Just kind of have a hard time going low into my emotions. You know, the glass is always full, everything's fun, it's always going to be okay, that kind of stuff. So I've really learned, but I was an emotionally bankrupt child because my mom... everything was just always fine. [00:24:04]
If I was sick, she was like, "Oh, you're fine. You're good." She's like a super soldier. She's precious and she's amazing but she's just got grit off the charts. I think it's that generation. They're just from a different world and generation. And that was for sure my mom.
I think part of it was environment, nurture, and then I think part of it was just nature — the way I was born. And thank God. So your prefrontal cortex, which is your capacity for joy, is really determined in utero. So like how deeply your parents wanted you. My parents tried to get pregnant with me for seven years. So when they got pregnant with me, it was like the highlight of the universe for them.
My mom was just home with me the first year, so within that first 12 months as well, is when that prefrontal cortex really develops. Typically, how engaged a mother is or is not in that first 12 months and in utero determines a child's capacity for joy. [00:25:09] It can be changed, but a lot of times it's pretty set.
I'm so thankful because I don't think I could have made it through what I've been through if it hadn't have been for my capacity for joy. Obviously, that is created by a divine creator as well. So it's pretty fascinating. I'm so grateful for all the things that my mom wouldn't let me feel. I'm really thankful that she had that mindset when she got pregnant with me.
Laura Dugger: Oh my goodness. That is so fascinating.
Hey friends, I just wanted to give you a quick reminder that we're asking for ratings and reviews on whatever platform you use to listen to this podcast. If you would be willing, could you also hit subscribe to the podcast and share this with a friend? Thanks for listening. Now back to the show.
So just to pause you here, you're going out to speak in Iowa. So this is during the grieving process where you asked to come different places and share your story? [00:26:08]
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Well, ironically, I was very involved with our Mothers of Preschoolers group, MOPS, which is an international group. They're all over the world. And I'd spoken at MOPS actually right before Blair died. This is what's so crazy. I had just shared my story about Todd.
They have like a meeting at the end... because MOPS is not overtly Christian, but they really do want to present the gospel. So I was like the gospel message that year. And then Blair dies weeks later, which is just still so crazy to me. I didn't do anything for a year. I just healed and I, you know, tried to come up for air with babies. I mean, I was still nursing Campbell when Blair died. Anyway, had a terrible two at the moment.
So waited a year, and they ended up asking me to come to a local church in Columbus on the anniversary. We lived in Columbus, Mississippi on the anniversary of Blair's death, a local church, and said, "Will you come and share your story?" [00:27:07]
I haven't experienced a revival in years, but that night that I spoke, I can't even remember honestly what I said. I wrote this message, and I think I asked people to really surrender their lives. Because Blair had met with a mentor the week before he died. He had met with him three times, and Hugh had asked Blair the last time that he had met with him, He said, "Hey, I want you to go read Hebrews and I want you to read the whole faith, and I want you to decide if you're willing to completely give up everything, including your career as a pilot for the cause of Christ."
And I remember distinctly Blair coming home and being like, "You would not believe what this man asked me. Like, could I give up my career for the call of Christ?" We're not in ministry at this point. I wasn't in ministry. We were just church people who were leading small groups. I never saw myself in ministry. [00:28:07] So he asked this, and I'm like, "What? I mean, you've got to work, Blair." Of course, I'm still just oblivious to the whole, we're all in ministry, oh, by the way, when you are a Jesus follower. I just didn't quite get that memo.
So here we are. And he asked that question and Blair's like, "I mean, I couldn't answer it." He was like, "I got to really pray about that." So he prayed about it for a couple of days, and he said, "Rachel," he said, "You know what? I'm going to tell Hugh, yes, because I know that Jesus is really it. And if I had to give up my career as a pilot."
Now for a pilot to say that is just unbelievable, because they will tell you flying is in my blood. I mean, any pilot would tell you that. But at the end of the day, when you're a Jesus follower, you have the DNA of Christ. I mean, really what's in your blood is Him.
So, yeah, Blair went back to Hugh and said, "Yes, I'm ready. I will even surrender my career for you to meet with me and disciple me and to kind of like Yoda, teach me the ways, you know. And he died the next week. [00:29:10]
Because of that, I think when I spoke a year later and I said to people, "Are you really willing to give up everything you have and ask them to come forward if they were...?" I mean, there were people weeping, weeping, wailing, hundreds of people at the front of the church. I mean, it was crazy. It was an outpouring of the Holy Spirit.
I mean, I've had many experiences like that where lots of people have come down and just revival in their own hearts. But that was like, "Oh, whoa, am I supposed to do this? Am I supposed to preach and teach? What is happening? I don't even know."
A year later, I just said, "Whoever calls, I will go." And I still. I mean, unless I just can't go, I rarely say no. I travel one time a month out of town. But if I can get there, I go, because it's just a calling.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. Well, and I can say that as a beneficiary who's heard you speak before. Your relationship with the Lord is so special and you let people know that that's available to each of them. [00:30:22]
Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: I love that one of the things that you taught on before is that you have not because you ask not. And as your story continues from this point, what were you asking for?
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Well, obviously, I really loved being married since I'd done it a couple times at this point. I always say to people I feel like I'm a professional married person because being married three times before you're 35, you know, you're either crazy or you really love marriage. And I really love marriage.
And two are better than one. The one thing that I miss so bad after Blair died, it was just companionship because I truly believe that we're meant to live in community, but community even in our own home and intimacy, even within that just companionship, which is just what you so miss as a widow is just that pillow talk.
That was the one thing that just, even when I was dating again, I would always really look for somebody who I knew would be my person. Because as a married person, I just always could count on Blair. I could always count on Todd. They were always the person I called first. And that is what you miss so deeply as a widow. [00:32:40]
So I had a friend who was dating a guy that... He was actually my friend, and he wanted to introduce me to her. We ended up becoming friends. She lived here in Atlanta, and she ended up meeting Rod Brown at a lake house. They kind of connected over making smoothies.
She texted me and said, I mean, "He's 45, and he's in ministry. I totally think I want to set y'all up." I was like, "Oh, gosh, I mean, 45? That's kind of old to have never been married." I was like, "That sounds a little sketchy, but okay, okay. I'm going to take a chance."
So she introduced us over email. He didn't know anything about me, which is always terrifying because I'm just like, How do you say twice widow with two kids and expect anybody to want to sign up for that? I mean, there's just no one in the universe who's going to be like, woohoo, that's for me.
So I sent Rod this little video that my church had made about our healing journey, which was so sad. Even me, when I watch it, I'm like, "How is that my life?" He watched it and he sent back, "Wow, that's a lot, but I'd still love to meet you." [00:33:48]
So we ended up meeting in Piedmont Park. He lived right across from the park in Atlanta. I was coming over here to go to a conference, and we spent about six hours together. He said, and I'm sure you can believe this, Laura, interviewing me. He said, "I didn't take a breath the first 15 minutes, but we just had a lovely time." Everything felt like it was seeming still.
Rod was very much like an onion. He was open, but he was protected. He was gregarious, but reserved. He was just all the things. I called him the most interesting man in the world, like the Dos Equis commercial, because he really is. He's been to 60 countries. He's very metrosexual, so he loves pretty things. Not pretty things. He loves a house to be pretty, and he cares about what he looks like. I was like, "You are so fascinating." But yeah, he's super masculine and plays soccer and all this athletic stuff. [00:34:46] So I was like, I mean, I'm digging this so hard.
Then on top of that, he's in ministry and worked for North Point for 15 years at that point. So it was solid in his career, worked for Chick-fil-A for nine years before that. Everything I could ever want in a husband.
Then that night, I went home, and we had just our little magical time in the park, and I went home that night and dreamed about him. And I never dream. So for me to dream about somebody is like, I know it's from the Lord. I mean, truly. It wasn't a weird dream at all. It was just, I was asleep, and the thing I missed most was that pillow talk. Rod was actually in the bed next to me, and I was kind of leaned up in the crux of his shoulder, just us talking.
And I woke, I sat straight up like in a cold sweat in the bed because I thought it was so real. And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, I love this person I just met." Because it was just so dynamically real. Of course it wasn't real, praise Jesus. [00:35:45] But I never told Rod that till way later because I would have totally freaked him out. But I knew. I knew that was from the Lord. I knew I would marry him. I really did. I know that sounds crazy.
It doesn't take me long. I'm sure you're picking up on this from this interview, but it doesn't really take me long to figure out if they're the one or not. I just was so confident that Rod was... it was just so sweet.
That was in October. He met my kids in January. Of course, Campbell called him daddy the first time she met him, which is just so heartbreaking and so sweet. She was four. She had just turned five. We got engaged in March, and then we married in a surprise wedding in June. It was amazing and so fun, and had this big band party with A-Town A-List.
It was just so crazy. It was so hard to believe that I was doing this for the third time. My kids walked me down the aisle to You Make Beautiful Things by Gungor. [00:36:44] We could have all been raptured right there, and nobody would have thought twice about it because it was so redemptive and precious to watch those sweet babies walk down to meet their new daddy. I mean, watching widows get married with kids, it's just holy, you know, because a man who's willing to take that on is very special, very special.
Laura Dugger: I think what amazes me most is just your joy through all of this. And you keep pointing it back to the Lord. So for anybody out there that is grieving or wants to support someone they know who's grieving, what are some things that you've learned or best practices that you still maintain and you would recommend to others?
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Sure. So one of my big things is just show up because I can remember so distinctly there being many, many days when somebody would show up and be like, "Can I just do your laundry today?" Or they'd show up with like a hot pound cake. And I'm like, "Oh my gosh, what is life?" [00:37:50]
Those kind of things. That is one of my main things. They're like, "I don't want to impose." I'm like, You won't. Just show up and play with the kids or just show up and say, "Can I take your kids?" I will say that is the one thing for widows with children is that there is such a loss for men and their lives, because men are busy. And I totally get that. And they all have their own children.
I don't know how many men will be listening to this, but their wives will, a lot of them. If you can take a couple of extra kids with you to ice cream at Baskin Robbins, just for my kids to be around godly men, I would have paid any price. I mean, that was one of those things for people who are wanting to help is... helping is having us over for dinner.
We had one of our dear friends, one of our neighbors, we went to dinner at their house twice a week for that first year. She invited us over twice a week. And I cannot tell you how healing, oh my gosh, how healing it is to be with a normal family. [00:38:55] Because when you sit at the table and it's you and your two little kids, there's hardly anything sadder. I mean, honestly. And the kids don't notice, but of course you as the widow totally notice.
It's not just a Hey, it'd be great if you can take care of the widows and orphans. It's a commandment. Take care of the widows and orphans because even if you're financially stable, care doesn't have to be money. Care is like, I see you. And you feel Sundays... I hate this word, but there is no other way to describe how bad Sundays just suck for widows.
I mean, oh my gosh, and anybody who's a widow will be like, amen to that, because never do you feel more lonely than at church. You're sitting there in a pew, my kids were in their respective environments, and here I am by myself. So just that family to be like, sit with us every Sunday or let's go to lunch. Let's get the kids and you know, the dad to help take a role. [00:39:59]
I mean, I know that's sounds like a pipe dream. But I mean, if you're serious about helping people grieving, it doesn't take much. I mean, you don't have to buy them things. They don't need stuff. I mean, they just need care. And they need to feel seen. That's anybody, I mean, really, at the end of the day. That's single people. That's divorced people.
I always tell my kids, look for the kid at lunch who looks sad. That makes me cry because we were that family that looked sad. We might not have looked it and we had a smile on our face, but internally, especially on Sundays you're just breaking inside because everybody gets to be a family on the weekends. Like, Daddy comes home from work and everybody's doing their thing. Sorry.
Laura Dugger: No, don't apologize. I think that's so real and so good for all of us to hear that. [00:40:51]
Rachel Faulkner Brown: But, you know, you get to family on the weekends and every day's the same to a widow and her kids. That is just the most heartbreaking part of the whole thing is that there's no break from the empty chair at your table. I mean, that's such a big thing.
Jews sit Shiva for seven days after a death. And I'm like, gosh, we can learn so much from Jewish culture. But I mean, somebody being in your home for those seven days after the death is so powerful. Now, they don't need to be sitting wearing black and doing all the extra stuff. But I did have somebody stay with me.
My two best friends literally stayed in my bed for the first seven days after Blair died. And the power of that. I didn't realize it till later. But just them giving their lives up and just stopping to do that. Granted, it looks different when people are older and sick, but loneliness is just a really powerful tool that the enemy uses to get you off track. [00:41:59]
I'm not sure I could have even spoke at the funerals or I could have even had the bandwidth to have done it if I hadn't had all those people around saying, we're going to hold your arms up like Aaron and her did for Moses. And that can look like really different things.
Then I would say the other thing is find a great play therapist for your children. Depending on how old they are, a counselor and or play therapist, and then a counselor for yourself. I waited almost four years before I went to a counselor. And it had been 11 years since Todd died. I'd never been to a counselor. And then Blair was gone almost, let's say, three and a half years before I ended up sitting in my counselor's office for the first time because a friend was like, "Rachel, I really think you need some help." And I was like, "What? I do. Duh." But at the same time, when you're inside the jar, you can't read the label.
I would say for the person grieving, being really open to help, not correction, but just course correction. If you're going off this way and somebody's like, "I think maybe you're drinking too much. Well, I mean, you need to listen to that." Or "I think maybe you might need some help because you're angry at the kids." I wasn't drinking too much. I decided that I would never... I wouldn't drink alone, you know, ever. [00:43:19]
And that's a big thing for people. I mean, because you can hide, hide, hide when you live alone. I just knew that was just not a path I ever wanted to go down. But it's a very real thing for anyone grieving. Whether you're grieving the loss of a child or a divorce, that secretive life is really dangerous. The more open and honest and vulnerable you can be with your friends. I do believe that was a lifesaver to me.
Even as open and honest as I was and as much community as I had, I still needed therapy. I sat down, and the first session of my therapy, and Lisa Peck, who's my counselor, she said, "You know, Rachel," she said, "you have believed your whole life that you're a human doing and you're a human being." And it was true.
And she said, "If God were staring over the balcony of heaven and He were thinking about you, what would He be feeling?" And I literally was like, "What are you talking about?" I mean, I was like, "Do you have a list of words?" I had no concept of feeling words. [00:44:30]
Of course, you go the opposite direction once you realize, once you know. So now I ask my children all the time, how does that make you feel? Because I want them to have an emotional vocabulary. And I love, love, love Sissy Goff and David Thomas up at Daystar Counseling in Nashville. They have an emotion chart for your kids so they can point. And even little ones can look and say, Gosh, I'm afraid today or I am so happy or I'm sad. You know, they have got to have a vocabulary.
So, for me, fortunately, I intercepted my kids so I didn't do the same thing to them that I was experiencing myself, even though they got definitely some years of not-so-good. But God's a redeemer. He's a restorer. And no matter what you do as a mom, I'm fully, fully, fully surrendered to the fact that my kids are just on their own journey. If I just love them, it's gonna be okay. That's all I gotta do, is I just have to love them well. [00:45:31]
All the other stuff, they get to watch how we live, and so if they get to watch how we live, they're gonna learn way more from that than they are me trying to teach them some Bible lesson sitting on the stairs. That's all good, too. But at the end of the day, when I don't do those things, I always feel like such a crappy mom. And I just learned that at the end of it all, if I just love well, they're going to be okay.
Laura Dugger: Everything that you've shared today, Rachel, has just been so profound. And I think of calls to inclusivity and what you were just saying calls to love well. Thank you for covering all of these difficult topics and thank you for just clinging to Jesus through the hard times and the good times and then bringing along as many people as possible to do the same.
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Oh, well, it is pure joy, honestly. It is really. It is my greatest calling. It's my greatest privilege, and it's my honor. He is worth it all. There will never be one greater. You can just totally, completely sell your life out to Him, and he will never disappoint you. [00:46:43] You cannot say that about anything else.
So, for people listening, I just... He's where it's at, and on your darkest days, He's still good. Even when you want to blame Him, He's just still good, and He's working things for your good. In every problem, there's possibility and potential in everything. I've seen that once I've gave myself eyes to see it.
I think that's part of the journey is just opening your eyes to see the goodness of God in every situation, no matter how hard it is, because the enemy wants you to focus on what He's not telling you or what He's not giving you. He's been doing that since the garden and he won't quit. But if you know how to fight him, you can.
Laura Dugger: Yesterday, I was talking with my friend, Ang, who's been through traumatic story, and she says that every time she shares her story God allows healing to take place. Rachel, I believe that's my prayer for you today. I just appreciate you sharing your story. [00:47:47]
I know that other people are going to want to connect with you further, so can you tell us more about your ministry, where listeners can connect with you?
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Oh, totally. Out of all the pain and friends came together in Huntsville, and we started a ministry called Be Still. We just invited all of our friends that had been in Bible studies with us to hear me. I shared my story, and then another friend, my other friend Paige, shared her story. We did a worship song on a jam box, truly. And then we had a prayer team who prayed for a woman afterward. It was like a Thursday morning at 10 o'clock we had like 120 women show up and we were like, "What is happening? Okay."
Obviously, people want to get together. But it was the beginning of something really beautiful. And then when I moved here to Atlanta, obviously he still wasn't here. And you know, my little buddies that I did it with. And so I asked a couple of friends to come alongside me and help me partner with Be Still.
[00:48:43] It's based on Revelation 12:11, that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony. So the blood of the lamb equally is important as the word of our testimony. As I said earlier, the whole point of you sharing your story is for God to do it again and for you to believe that God will do it again in your life.
So we started Be Still. We meet monthly in homes. I have a worship leader that comes in, and then one or two women share their amazing, amazing God stories. Then we have a prayer team that prays for women, because I've found most women, even if they're in church, have never been personally prayed for. And that sounds so crazy, but it is so true.
I mean, so few people have ever had someone just come alongside them and really pray into their situation. And that's what we offer. Then we've offered prayer training for people through Be Still. Then also we're doing our first Widows Retreat this coming weekend, which I'm so excited about.
[00:49:43] We've got 20 widows from all across the country coming to Atlanta to be just loved on, lavishly loved on for 24 hours. I could not be more excited about watching what happens through that and just the future of that. But we're on the internet, Bestillministries.net or RachelFaulknerBrown.net. You can find my website on either one of those.
Then on Instagram, Be Still Ministries, and then Rachel Faulkner Brown. You can follow me there. But yeah, so it's so fun. And I'd love for any of your listeners that are in Atlanta to come up and find the next meeting. We meet monthly, so we take off December and May because they're just so crazy. But we meet every month.
Laura Dugger: We have mentioned both of us are sevens, and something with that, it's hard for us to stay down for a very long time. So as the final question, it's usually ending on a lighter note. [00:50:44] We're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. And with all that you've been through, we would just love to hear some insight from your life that can hopefully inspire each of us for our own action item today. So Rachel, as the final question, what is your savvy sauce?
Rachel Faulkner Brown: It's so fun. My savvy sauce is asking the Lord how He feels about situations. I know that sounds so churchy and Jesus-y. But asking the Lord how He sees a situation, asking Him also how He sees my husband in this situation, my children in this situation, because our brain tends to go automatically to the negative. But obviously, the Lord always sees the positive. And giving that heavenly perspective and how they're known from His standpoint and not mine.
Then I think the other thing for me is that I am a learner. [00:51:46] For me, curiosity is the quintessential thing that I want people to know me as curious about who they are. Because I think curiosity breeds gratitude. It breeds life in your bones. It breeds this ability to constantly be amazed.
Rod, he interviews these pastors all the time for partnership with North Point. One of the big things that he always looks for is, is that pastor a learner? That's what I want. I want to be known as curious and I want to be known as a learner. Because when you feel like you've arrived, that's a really scary place to be.
So I think curiosity is my savvy sauce. It's like when people are in my home, I'm always conscious of, I want them to feel known when they leave here. We so value hospitality and having people here. If you're not curious about people, then it's hard for them to feel loved. [00:52:53]
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. That's incredible. I love that. This time has been such a gift. So thank you.
Rachel Faulkner Brown: Thank you. It's so fun.
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. [00:53:53] Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him. [00:55:00]
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." [00:56:04] The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
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