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Practical Chats for Intentional Living
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Tuesday Oct 16, 2018
Tuesday Oct 16, 2018
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's episode is brought to you by one of my favorite brands in Central Illinois, Leman Property Management. With over 1,600 apartment homes in all price ranges throughout Morton, Pekin, Peoria, Washington, and Canton, they can find the perfect spot for you.
Check them out at MidwestShelters.com or like them on Facebook by searching Leman, L-E-M-A-N, Property Management Company. Thanks for sponsoring today's episode.
Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
Hello everyone! Today I'm honored to get to introduce you to my real-life friend Angela Braker. We've been friends for years, and she actually married Seth, who's been my friend since childhood. Our families go way back.
But Angela is full of courage and strength, and you're going to be amazed by her faith as she shares her story of living out her worst fear, but trusting God never left her side.
Here's our chat.
Welcome, Ang.
Angela Braker: Hi! It's so good to be here.
Laura Dugger: It's so exciting to have you today. Obviously, we're great friends, but for anybody who's listening that hasn't met you yet, can you just start us off by telling us maybe about the family that you grew up in?
Angela Braker: Well, I grew up in Central Illinois, and I grew up in a great, loving, Christian home. Two really loving parents. There was five of us and I was the only girl, so I had four brothers.
When I was in seventh grade, my mom was a nurse, she was leaving her shift at the hospital and a car actually came up and it hit her as she was walking, and so she broke her neck. And it was a pretty extensive deal. She had to have surgery.
I remember going to see her in the hospital for the first time and she was in this traction device. As a seventh grader, going to the ICU is already scary. And then seeing your mom laying in bed, unable to move because these bolts are holding her head in place it was just incredibly intimidating.
I think it definitely stirred up a lot of fears. She had lost a lot of strength and had a lot of pain on one side of her body, and so she started physical therapy. And it was in the hospital, and she told the therapist, she was like, listen, "I got to get home to my five babies. I promise you, I'll do good. I'll keep doing therapy at home, but you got to let me go home."
So he released her, and she was so diligent to do her therapies at home. But a couple days or a week or so after being home, she had a stroke at home. So the ambulance came and took her back to the hospital and she had to start completely over.
There was a specific day I'll never forget where my dad and her had been working on getting her to walk to the end of the driveway. That was their goal. And this specific night, she walked to the end of the driveway by herself with no one helping her. And I will never forget the tears on her and my dad's face. And they threw their hands in the air and they were just shouting and so excited that she had made such a victory.
Since then, it's truly incredible, she's climbed 14,000-foot mountains. She runs like you would never know that she at one point in her life couldn't walk or feed herself. She still suffers a lot of health consequences due to that accident. But I think something that that time really taught me was just perseverance. [00:04:03] And that was a really helpful lesson, I think, for me to learn at a young age.
It was the end of freshman year, and I was studying with some friends for finals and I got a call from my parents, and they said, "Hey, Tony's been in a skydiving accident. You need to come home right away." Tony is my oldest brother. He was the president of his skydiving club at college. He was a senior in college.
He was the kind of person that He was just the kind of guy that everyone looked up to and everyone wanted to be friends with and all of us looked up to him. So anyways, we get this call he's been in an accident and we all get back to my parents' house and we're all waiting for more updates.
Eventually, we find out that he passed away. To say that grief settled over our home would just be an understatement. [00:05:07] I think it was incredible to see how God comforted us in such tangible ways. It was really personal ways.
He knew where maybe we were struggling in our faith, or He knew what we needed in that time personally and He just gave us so many tangible things that we cling to and we hold on to right now still. We talk about him all the time. We miss him like crazy and we just can't wait to see him again.
Laura Dugger: And you know that you have that hope. You had confirmation. He believed in Jesus, you believe in Jesus and you know that you'll be reunited in heaven.
Angela Braker: Yes.
Laura Dugger: Which does not make the pain any easier here, but I think that's what you're referring to. Is that right?
Angela Braker: Exactly. Yes. Yes.
Laura Dugger: Well, cruelly on that anniversary of losing your dear brother, another traumatic event took place. Are you willing to share your story? [00:06:07]
Angela Braker: Yeah. The years went by and obviously we continued to grieve the loss of Tony. About five years later, I was a sophomore in college about an hour from home. And I loved college. I felt like I had such great friends. It was so fun to learn just how to live with other people and learn the sense of independence. And I was just loving life.
I was just growing in my faith so much and it was really exciting to me. Now that I look back, I think that God just really rooted me deeply in His word and He just prepared me for what was to come. His word just really became an anchor for me.
So, it was the last day before summer break. I lived with five girls and they had all packed their stuff up and they left that day. I had one extra night I had to stay by myself because I was nannying for a family. [00:07:05] So, I had one more day I needed to nanny for them and then my parents were going to pick up all my stuff and bring me home for summer vacation in the morning.
That night I went to bed like any other night and at around two in the morning I think the light came on in my room and this guy was standing there. And I remember thinking like, Okay, this 100% has to be a nightmare. This is not even possible that there would be someone standing in this room."
So I tried to go back to sleep. And then he came closer to me and he said these words to me, he said, "Get out of bed, I'm going to rape you." And I still was like, "No way." I remember like pinching myself to make sure that I was awake and I felt the pinch.
So I think I was still in shock for a while but he yanked me out of bed and just started doing horrible things. [00:08:10] For the next few hours really I spent fighting him, begging him, pleading with him, trying to persuade him just all kinds of different things I was trying to do to get out of there before he was going to do what he wanted. He did horrendous things to me and he made me do unsaid things.
At one point, I almost got away. I was so close to getting out of that house. He grabbed me by my hair, and he pulled me back, and he bit my hand so hard that there was a mark there for over a year afterwards. He threw me down our wooden basement stairs.
I had already had a black eye at this point. I had already been beaten. He had told me I have a gun, and I have a whip, and he had used the whip, and he had done pretty much everything up to that point. [00:09:13] But when I got back up from the stairs, he had found a knife in the kitchen.
And at that point, after three hours of this fighting and this torture, he grabbed my hair and he held the knife to my neck. He was obviously frustrated at this point and he said, "I'm going to kill you or rape you. You get to decide." I couldn't imagine living with whatever would come with this. I had no idea. I had been saving myself for marriage. I had no idea what to expect. This was just a complete and utter terror and shock.
I was ready to tell him, "Just do off with me." Then I remembered it was the five-year anniversary to the day of my oldest brother Tony's death and my parents came into my mind and I was like, "I know if I die, they won't survive. And I cannot do that to them. Like there's no possible way I can do that." [00:10:20]
He did rape me after that. And when he was done, he took my car, my keys, my phone, my computer, just any way that I could escape or call someone or ask for help. He took them and right before he left, he looked me in the eyes and he said, "If you ever tell anyone about this, I'm going to come back and I'm going to kill you."
So he left and I was positive that he was going to come back and kill me. I just had no doubt in my mind. That's what he was gonna do. So I just sat there frozen for the longest time. He didn't come back. I finally mustered up the strength to walk up the stairs. And I don't know why but I just locked myself in the bathroom. I didn't even cry, I was just paralyzed in fear. I was just shocked. I just wanted out. I just wanted out of that house so bad because I didn't want him to come back. [00:11:27]
So I sat there for what felt like an eternity and every creak and every crack that the house made, I was like, "That's it. He's back. I have no chance." He didn't come back. He didn't come back. So I finally was like, "I've got to get out of this house."
Some of my best guy friends lived across the street. I finally mustered up the strength, I opened the door and I looked both ways and he had actually knocked down our fence. He had backed out of the driveway so forcefully. So I was like, "Okay, if he escaped that quickly, I don't think that he's watching. I don't think that he's here."
So I mustered up the strength and I kind of walked along the fence as much as I could. This is about five in the morning and I walked into their house and one of them was sleeping on the couch and he woke up when I came in and I just fell into his arms and I just sobbed.
He had no idea what happened so he started to ask me questions. [00:12:30] He's like, "Did someone break in?" And I nodded. And he's like, "Did they hurt you?" And I nodded. And I just couldn't talk at that point. He called the police for me, and then he called my dad, which was so hard because I had to tell my dad what happened.
I mean, I would imagine that that's like every dad's worst fear when he sends his daughter off to college, that that could happen. They headed to the town I went to college in, an ambulance came and picked me up at this friend's house and took me to the hospital. They did the whole exam and assessment and all of that.
While that was happening, all of my brothers and my parents came to the hospital. I remember seeing them, and I had never seen on their faces what I had seen then, just the anger and the pain that they were feeling. It tore me apart to see that. [00:13:38]
I think though at that time I was just so relieved to be out of the house and to be alive. I couldn't even understand what just happened to me except I just experienced such relief at that point to be gone out of the house.
Then the police made me walk through the house after the hospital. I had to do a whole walkthrough of like, here's where this happened, here's where this happened, here's what happened in this room, and here's where the rape happened, and here's the knife he used, and here's all these things." I kind of just felt numb as I did it. I just felt like a shell of a person. So as the day continued, I just felt more and more numb. We all went back to my parents' house and tried to eat dinner, and none of us could eat. None of us knew what to say. None of us knew what to do.
They quickly got me into counseling. It was a couple times a week I was going to counseling. The counselor was incredibly kind and incredibly compassionate, but it was hard. [00:14:41] I mean, it was hard to talk through these things and to face the reality that this had happened to me.
On the inside, I was just a broken, fallen-apart girl, and on the outside I just wanted to be normal. I remember telling my friends from the beginning, "I'm tired of the enemy taking more. I just want to move on with life. I want to feel normal again." So I told my parents I want to go back to school in the fall and they were like, "Are you sure? You can stay home for a year? You know, we'll take care of you."
I know that it had to be incredibly hard for them to let me go back to school but I just needed to do it. So I lived in a new house with new roommates, so it was kind of a fresh start in a way.
The neat thing was, I started the nursing program junior year, so it was a whole new group of people that knew nothing about what happened to me. [00:15:40] So this whole thing was in the newspaper and I kind of just felt like I walked around as that girl that that happened to and it kind of always felt like the white elephant in the room. It was just really hard to live under that label.
So when I went to nursing school, no one knew anything and I got to start fresh. It ended up being a very good distraction for me because schoolwork was hard and it demanded all my time and attention. And I think that was God's grace.
Somehow I ended up passing nursing school. And I don't know how, because in itself it was hard. But then I continued to go to counseling a couple times a week. I'd commute to go to counseling and then go back and be like a normal college girl with my friends, youth group, all that kind of stuff. And it was just this weird life I felt like I was living, and almost this hidden grief, because it's a hard thing to talk about.
I ended up having my first panic attack when I went back to school in the fall. I was waiting for my roommate to come home and I was sitting in the driveway and this guy was walking up and he didn't do anything. [00:16:44] He was walking towards these apartments behind our house.
I had never had a panic attack in my life up to that point, and I was like, "What is happening to me? I can't breathe. My heart is racing. I'm sweating. Like what is going on?"
My roommates were really gracious with me. I think I was probably a little bit clingy to them and I probably was like, "When are you going to be home? I need to know when you're going to be home." But they were really gracious.
In that first year afterwards, I actually ended up getting engaged as well. God was really gracious to me in that just first year. I think some of it I buried it and was like I just want to be normal, though I was still going to counseling, I was dealing with it.
I also think part of it was just this grace that He let me ride out on for a while and He didn't make me work through all of the layers at once. I think if I had known at that time what was coming for me to work through, I wouldn't have been able to handle it.
I was told that whole first year, "This isn't going to go to trial, you don't have to worry about that. They have so much evidence" because they had caught him the day that this happened. So he was in jail. [00:17:53] They had all the evidence. They're like, "This is a done deal. It's not even going to go to trial." Well, it did end up going to trial.
So I remember when they told me that and I was like, "Okay." But I don't have to go testify because they're like, "It's going to go, but you don't have to testify." And then they're like, "You actually do need to testify now."
I was pretty upset about that. Didn't have a clue what to expect. I was really naive to the whole court process. I mean, I was in my junior year of college, so just never really dealt with that before. They prepped me the best they could, but I don't think I could have been prepared for what happened in that courtroom and just, I would say, the trauma that I experienced in that courtroom.
I only went one of the days. So the trial was a week long. They said, "You only have to go the day you testify." So I was like, "Okay, then I'm only going to go the day that I testify." [00:18:50] They told me I had to look at the guy, the perpetrator, and I had to identify that this was him.
I had not seen him since he left my house and told me he was going to kill me, so this was the first time that I had to face him and look at him. Of course, I've had all these flashbacks in the past year, what he looks like, but to actually see him in person was so hard. So I looked at him once, I said, "Yes, that's him. And then I never looked at him again that whole time."
That was really hard. But I actually think what the hardest thing was, was the defense attorney. I was not prepared for what it would be like to be on the stand and to be lied to and lied about and not be able to defend a single word. And they prep you for that and they say, "You know, you can't object on your own, you can't stand up for yourself." I was like, "Okay, well surely like if this is a done deal and we have all the evidence, no one's going to rip me apart." And I was wrong. I was very wrong. [00:19:56]
He had all these lies he said about me. He had said we met up at a party and that this was consensual and I wanted this. I was having to keep my mouth closed the whole time. It was horrific. I sobbed. I just sat on the stand as he talked and I was sobbing and I remember thinking like, "Please God, make someone stand up and stand up for me and make this stop. Everyone has to know that this is wrong. Why isn't anyone saying anything? Why isn't anyone standing up for me and just saying, 'Stop it. This is ridiculous.'"
Eventually, they did and I walked out of that courtroom and I was shaking so bad I could barely walk. I got out of the courtroom and I just collapsed into my fiancé's arms and I just sobbed. I had no idea what to expect with the whole court process and how difficult that that would be in my story too. [00:20:58]
Laura Dugger: Goodness, Ang. That all is such a crazy story of trauma. So here you are, you just collapsed into Seth's arms. And what was the verdict that came back?
Angela Braker: He got nine counts charged against him and 92 years in prison.
Laura Dugger: Wow. What did your next stage of life even look like?
Angela Braker: Good question. Well, I mentioned we were engaged at the time of court. So that was June. September that year, a few months later, we got married. So the timeline was just crazy as I look back on it. We got married my senior year of nursing school. So that's crazy too in itself, right?
For me and for Seth, we really, really worked hard and wanted our first year of marriage to be good. We didn't want it to be ruined by this, tainted by this, and we were just super determined to have a normal first year of marriage. [00:22:02] We did premarital counseling. There was obviously challenges, flashbacks, and fears, and things that I'd worked through. It didn't just go away. But we had a wonderful first year of marriage.
Year two of our marriage is when things really started to get challenging. I graduated nursing school, I had my first job as a nurse, we moved to a new rental at this point, and we started just fighting. And we didn't know why. We could not put our finger on why we were fighting so bad. We'd be up until 2 or 3 in the morning and we'd just be in this crazy cycle. Neither of us handled it well at all.
I was having panic attack on top of panic attack. I was wearing my body out physically too and just exhausting it because I lived in this constant state of stress. So what that led me to was just not being able to cope well with life in general. I just walked around always feeling stressed out, always feeling frazzled. [00:23:06] I didn't know how to get out of that. I just felt so stuck in it.
We both got really worn out. We would have great times and we'd be like, "Okay, let's fix this. Let's never do this again. Promise. Promise. Okay, we're good." So then we'd be good for a little bit and then something would trigger a new argument and we'd be back in that crazy cycle, neither of us responding well or handling it well.
We kind of got sick of that, and we kept trying these quick fixes, and we were in counseling, but nothing was working. We couldn't figure out why nothing was working and so I was like, "You know what? Why don't we move? Why don't we get a fresh start?" I had always wanted to be a missionary nurse in Africa. He did construction. So we're like, "We are the perfect team to go save the world."
I'm really thankful that God knows better, and He didn't move us to Africa, across the world, away from our safety nets, away from everything we knew. We were in a crisis mode. But we must have been in denial about that because we really thought that we could do this, and we didn't. [00:24:09] I don't know that I would have survived if we had moved to Africa with the panic attacks I was having and the feelings that I was struggling with.
Anyways, we did end up moving though. Instead of Africa, God moved us to Little Rock, Arkansas. This was completely new territory for me. But He put us in a ministry down there, a wonderful ministry, exactly where we needed to be.
Little Rock for us, we refer to it as the best of times and the worst of times because some of our favorite memories are from Little Rock. We had so much fun together as a couple, hosting people in our home. We had wonderful friends and community there and we hurt each other really bad there.
Our crazy cycles didn't go away when we moved. The idea that we had that moving would fix everything, it didn't. Surprise, surprise. Now we were away from everyone we knew and the people that we went to when we were in these crazy cycles. So we were on our own. [00:25:10]
We had really loving people come around us though, put their arms around us and just kind of help us figure out how to walk and how to do this and what this looked like. People were really compassionate. And of course you're going to get good and bad advice no matter where you are. People are just wanting to help really badly.
I don't know that I was in a place to receive that very well because I was just so unhealthy. But I don't even know that I could have told you that at the time because some of the time we would do good and then some of the time we would do bad. So it was just really even hard to know what way was up and what way was down.
Anyways, our time there was wonderful and really hard. I think God used it to save our marriage and just teach us a ton about Him. We grew in our faith a ton. But ultimately, after a couple years there, we had to make a job decision. We ended up deciding to move back to where we came from. Seth got a different job than he had previously had. [00:26:13]
In a way, it was kind of like starting over. We changed a lot. Our friends also changed and had kids. That first season when we moved back was probably our darkest season we've ever had because we were so isolated. We weren't plugged into a church at the time. We didn't have great community. It was just a very hard season.
Laura Dugger: Not to mention, you also had recently become first-time parents during this.
Angela Braker: Yes, first-time parents. Still these crazy cycles, panic attacks, and living at our parents' house, living in a rental house, all these different dynamics going into this. I remember going up to Seth one night, like, "I really do not think we're gonna make it if we don't go back to counseling. We have completely fallen apart." We were bitter, we were cold, we were callous at each other, and we just had so much hurt built up that we were just weary of working through it because it kind of felt like everything we've tried hasn't worked, so what else is there to try? [00:27:17]
So I was like, "Well, we haven't tried counseling here. So maybe we could try that and see if that helps." He ultimately said yes, and we went to counseling. It was just what we needed for our marriage at that time. The counselor was incredibly kind and incredibly wise.
We always joke he probably could have told us a lot more on that first time we met with him, but he patiently waited until the right times to kind of tell us the things that we needed to hear and they hit really well at the times he said it. We started to feel hope again. It wasn't easy. It was hard. But we started communicating better, feeling hope again, and getting to a better place.
I think something for me that I learned was that I was wrestling a ton with shame. That this was all my fault. I was to blame because I brought this trauma into our marriage. And yeah, Seth knew about it when he married me, but I still brought it into our marriage. "I'm the one having the panic attacks, and I'm the one that's causing all this grief, and I'm the needy one." [00:28:25] I think I was just realizing how much I was wrestling with just the weight that that shame held on me.
Our counselor just really helped us to see like, yeah, of course the trauma plays a big part in your relationship, but you're also just two individuals who sin and make bad choices. That was one of the most freeing things that we had ever been told in all of our counseling. It's kind of ironic, being told, like, Hey, you're a sinner, was one of the most freeing things that we had ever been told, because we didn't feel powerless with that. There's a remedy for sin, and so we can do something about that. And so that really started to just kind of build some momentum for us.
Then at that same time, God really brought some sweet community into our lives. There were friends who came alongside of us and they said, "We're not going to let you guys go. We're not going to let you guys give up. We're going to keep pushing, keep believing, keep speaking truth into you." We got plugged into a church and we had really sweet friends that came around us.
I think, you know, one thing we learned from our counselor then is we had been striving so long to find this quick fix. [00:29:31] We just wanted something that would make it all stop and make it all better and we didn't have to do the hard work and put in the hours and put in the time and the tears. We just wanted something that was easy and we learned it's actually going to be a journey and God heals us one degree at a time.
Oftentimes, we don't recognize one degree of change in a time, especially in your spouse, right? Because sometimes, unfortunately, that's the person we can be the most critical of. And so it's taken a lot of grace and a lot of forgiving each other for the things that we've said and we've done that have just been really hurtful and really painful, and yet God continues to redeem and to heal and to work in that.
Laura Dugger: And you mentioned when your counselor told you that part of this was sin.
Angela Braker: Yeah.
Laura Dugger: And you said there's a remedy for that. Can you elaborate on what you mean?
Angela Braker: Totally. So Jesus is the remedy for sin. You know, we know that Jesus died on the cross and we're forgiven because of that. [00:30:35] We have to make the choice to accept Him into our lives and to believe that that's true. But continuing to hope in that.
The remedy being, you know what? We can ask each other for forgiveness. We can say, I'm sorry, will you forgive me for this? And because of what Jesus did on the cross, we can forgive each other. And there's grace that helps us to do that. And we don't have to stay stuck.
I don't mean that as a blanket statement that it's easy. It's really hard to confess, especially to your spouse, that you hurt them and to ask them to forgive you. We could either choose to obey what God's Word says to do, and He blesses that, right, or we could choose to sin and then face the consequences of that. But that choice lands on us. God's given us that control to make the choice in that moment: am I going to choose the right thing, or am I not going to choose the right thing to do?
Laura Dugger: That seems like that is truth that set you free.
Angela Braker: Totally, yes. [00:31:37]
Laura Dugger: Hey friends, I just wanted to give you a quick reminder that we're asking for ratings and reviews on whatever platform you use to listen to this podcast. If you would be willing, could you also hit subscribe to the podcast and share this with a friend? Thanks for listening. Now back to the show.
As you look back, was there anything that marked a turning point or hope in your journey?
Angela Braker: I would say yes and no. For me, there were a ton of these avenues or moments where I was like, "Oh, look how God showed up. That was so huge. Now I can do this." Did I experience His faithfulness? Oh, yeah. Did I experience Him comforting me when I was in the deepest pit I could ever imagine? Oh, yeah.
I found such comfort in music. I would be like, "That's what I'm trying to say, but I've never been able to express it before." I found such comfort in the songs. I think I camped in them for like two years. [00:32:38]
I'm wired a very emotional and kind of sensitive person anyways. At times, I was a total mess emotionally and didn't know what to do with those emotions. I think when I read the Psalms, I was like, I'm not the only crazy feeling person out there. Look at how he wrote and look at the words he described. That's in the Bible. So if that's what he's saying, Okay, I'm a human being and I'm experienced deep grief and despair, and yet he always turned it back over to praise, the writer in the Psalms did.
I think it just taught me how to walk grief by studying the Psalms. You know, it's okay to sit in the pit. It's okay to despair. It's okay to ask God, why, and to ask God, make my enemy stop and make these nightmares stop and all of this. But then at the end of it, whenever the end of it is, whether it's that day or that season or whatever it is, coming back to God and being, but you are good and you are faithful and you always will be and You always have been. [00:33:44] I don't get it and it doesn't make sense to me, but You are.
I would say one of the biggest Ebenezer moments for me though was last year. I did something called Take Back Day. You were there, so you know all about this. But I was really wanting to do something for the 10-year mark that kind of put a stake in the ground, and in some ways was just like, "Look, I survived. This has been so hard. There was times I literally wanted to die and did not think I was going to make it, and I did. But I didn't on my own. It was by the grace of God and this army of people who have come around me that I could stand there and say it's been 10 years.
So I wanted to do something memorable. I sent an email out to a bunch of friends and family who had really walked intimately with me in this grief and in the pain and the messiness of it all. We stood in a circle across from the house that the assault happened in and just remembered, prayed, worshipped. [00:34:54] We shared what God had done in a lot of our hearts through this.
I think that that's something that I forgot throughout the journey. This didn't just affect me. This affected my friends I went to college with at the time, my family, the friends that walked with me the years after that, the current friends. This affected everyone in a different way. And so to give people the opportunity to share and to kind of give it back to God.
We called it Take Back Day because when I was planning this whole thing out, I was talking to my husband in the kitchen and I'm like, "I don't know what to call this thing." He's like, how about Take Back Day? There's a song that we love that a line in it says, we're going to take back what the enemy has stolen.
There was just so much that he had taken from me. And to be able to put a stake in the ground and to say, you know what, God, through it all, You are so faithful. And through it all, as hard as it's been, I can still say You're so good. And I believe that. I don't know what the next 10 years holds, but if I can look at how faithful You've been to me and how You've sustained me and Your grace has met me in the deepest places, then I know I can trust you for the next 10, 20, however many years I get to be here. [00:36:15]
So at the end of Take Back Day, I had two balloons, one for my brother, because it had been 15 years since he died, and then I had one balloon for me. And I remember just offering those up to God as really a praise of thanks for getting me to the point I was at with such incredible people in my life who carried the burden I couldn't carry.
We're called to that in scripture, to carry each other's burdens, and I experienced that so tangibly. So many different people carrying what they could carry and the weight that God gave them to carry, and I just saw the body of Christ in a way that I will never forget and continue to see as we continue to walk through these things.
But just to be able to stand there and to thank my friends and family for carrying what they've carried. Because it's not easy to step into someone's messy grief and pain. You don't know what to say to someone a lot of the time, but somehow I just ended up with really kind, loving people who weren't afraid to get their hands messy. [00:37:21]
Laura Dugger: Well, it was an honor to get to stand with you that night and witness Take Back Night, where your sole focus was to give God the glory.
Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
Sponsor: Today's episode is made possible by our Central Illinois sponsor, Leman Property Management. They offer over 1,600 apartment homes throughout Morton, Pekin, Peoria, Washington, and Canton. Whether you're looking for the newest property in the hottest area of town or an economical location where you can get the most value for your dollar, they have you covered.
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Laura Dugger: It's so obvious that your faith has... like you said, it's been an anchor through all of this. Do you have any specific scripture that has been meaningful?
Angela Braker: Yes, talk about anchors. This verse has anchored me through the past 11 years. I actually have it on my mantel in my living room, and so every day that I do my quiet time in my chair, it faces this scripture. Lamentations 3:21-23, and it says, "But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
There's a few reasons why that verse means so much to me. I feel so emotionally unstable sometimes when the grief and the pain comes really hard. And to know that God is steadfast, He's unwavering, He's steady, He can be trusted, He's not going to move based on emotions or circumstances or anything. It stays the same. [00:39:42]
And for me to know I can trust in a God who is steadfast is huge for me. Mercy's never come to an end. I could probably write a book or a library of books on the things that I've done wrong and the ways I've responded wrong and I've sinned and I've made the wrong choice.
This verse says, the steadfast love of the Lord doesn't cease, His mercies never come to an end. So He doesn't stop being merciful, even though I keep messing up. And it says on top of that, they're new every morning. So not only do they never end, but He gives us them afresh every day because He knows that we need that. And then, of course, the part that a lot of us know well is the great is your faithfulness. I just say amen to that.
Laura Dugger: Amen. You've also mentioned throughout our friendship that you've known God never left you, even in those darkest moments. What are some ways that you have experienced that truth, that God never left you? [00:40:50]
Angela Braker: Good question. Crazily enough, during the assault, the actual assault itself, I heard Psalm 23 go through my head: Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, even there you're with me, or I fear no evil and you are with me. I remember that being really odd because it was so audible to me. I think it was probably in my head, but it was so audible to me and so loud in that moment of like deepest pain and deepest grief. That's what I heard.
And I remember thinking like, God, I don't think that I could be any more in the valley of the shadow of death. I mean, I have a knife to my neck. Literally, I'm in that shadow and it could be moments from my death. And you're saying even there, I fear no evil and you're with me. So obviously, I'm not comprehending that whole thing then. But for Him to say that to me in that moment, It's just been such a comfort as I think back on it because I'm like, Okay, I can't doubt that you were there. You told me, even in that shadow of death, I'm there with you. [00:42:04]
I've experienced His grace. I think grace for me became something that was no longer this definition I learned in church or this like feel good thing or this pretty word, but it literally became my life and breath. It became my sustaining thing to get me through life. I mean, "His grace is sufficient" That became true. I mean, it's always true for all of us. It's not just for me in this trauma. It's true for all of us, no matter what we're facing. But it became so real to me in a tangible way I had never experienced till then and haven't experienced in such intensity since then.
I would also say I experienced Him never leaving me just through the people that He put into my life. I just had really faithful family and friends and my parents. They took so much of the brunt of my emotions that I didn't know what to do with. That came out in anger, lashing out, and they loved me through it, supported me through it. They never left my side. I'm sure it was so hard. I don't even know how hard it could have been. We've talked, but as a parent now, I can only imagine. [00:43:17]
And I would say just the friends that he put into my life. There was a friend the summer after it happened. We would take walks around her neighborhood and she would just listen to me. And she would let me grieve, question, be angry, cry. And I can't tell you how impactful that was for me and how much that meant to me. She didn't have the answers, she had never walked this before, but she was willing to give her time and to get messy and to listen to the really hard things.
I had a friend who I would call and I called her at times where I was just so despaired and I was like, I don't want to live anymore. I don't want to do this anymore. And she would love me and wouldn't judge me and pray for me and give me scripture and meet me and be like, Let's go do something. You know, friends who show up on your door and they're like, "Here's some coffee and a hug. I don't know what to say, but I love you." Just in so many ways, like the people that God's put into my life. [00:44:16]
Obviously, my husband is an example of God not leaving me because I've experienced that tangibly through him. It's been messy. It's been hard. We've both messed up a lot. But the thing that keeps amazing me is He loves me at my worst, and He keeps believing in the work of Jesus in us, because the Bible says, and we're going to believe that.
The people who have entered in, they have not been perfect by any means. Of course, they've messed up, they said the wrong thing at the wrong time, I got offended. It was messy, it was hard. But they didn't walk away when it got messy and hard, and they stayed there, and they loved me. I think that was such a tangible example to me of God's faithfulness and God not leaving me by the people He put into my life.
Laura Dugger: Wow, what a good reminder today that each of us with just our presence and our love and not judging we get to display that.
Angela Braker: It's huge. And I would say enter in the mess and love the person. Just tell them, "I might say the wrong thing at the wrong time, can we promise to be gracious to each other? Because I want to be there for you, because I care about you." And I bet that that would mean a lot to that person. [00:45:22]
Laura Dugger: That is so well said. What hope do you want to offer someone today who's currently struggling with their own form of grief?
Angela Braker: There were times where it hurt so bad that I quite literally felt my bones ache. I thought I was just going to explode from pain. It hurt so bad. You might feel hopeless. I would just say to that person, hang on. Don't trust your emotions and hang on because I promise the morning is going to come. It comes every day. You're not going to feel paralyzed forever. You're going to take a deep breath again. You will feel hope again.
If I could only offer one thing to someone, it would be Jesus. I 100% can tell you I would not be here today if it was not for Jesus and His grace. I mean that from the depth of my being. He is as real as real is and He is faithful and he's loyal and He can be trusted. I know that a lot of people have been let down and I know a lot of people have been hurt but you can trust Jesus.
And He's really kind. I think that surprised me. I expected Him to condemn me or I expected when I approached Him that I would feel shame. [00:46:40] I was surprised at His kindness. I think you're going to be surprised at how kind and good God is when you encounter Him and when you ask Him and when you approach Him. I can tell you this from personal experience. He says to cast your cares on Him because He cares for you.
I would also say shame doesn't have to be your identity and fear doesn't have to be your second skin anymore. I would challenge you to learn what God says is true about you. And I would challenge you to learn what God says is true about Him.
I think if you can get those two things right, it's going to change a lot of things. Because we tell ourselves things, people tell us things, culture tells us things that aren't true about us, and that's the label, the identity we put on ourselves. And we shame ourselves and we live under that label. But you get into the word and you read what God says is true about you, I think you're going to be pleasantly surprised.
So you know what I do? I cling to this verse in 1 Peter 5, and it says, "After you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." [00:47:53]
Laura Dugger: Wow, Ang, that's beautiful. And now that you've been married for 10 years, you have three children. What does your life look like today?
Angela Braker: When you first asked me to do this, I said no, because I was like, "Laura, I'm too messy. I'm not where I want to be to do this kind of thing yet." I remember one time a couple years ago, I was getting ready to speak at this retreat, and I was telling my sister-in-law, "I can't do it. I'm such a mess. I'm falling apart."
She looked at me and she's like, "No, you get up there and you tell everyone you're in the woods like them. And you tell them you know what it's like to be suffering and to struggle and to have hard days because you're walking it right now." So I hope that this can offer that to someone else.
But yes, three littles at home, five and a half and under, and my husband, Seth, and I, we are in counseling right now. [00:48:50] And honestly I anticipate to be in and out of counseling for the rest of my life. We're both very big advocates of counseling. We really highly encourage it because I honestly think everyone could go at some point in their life because we're all human and we all struggle and so why not ask for help when you do?
He is a really, really good man and I'm really thankful that he has stuck with me and somehow seen the good that there is. He is definitely the biggest cheerleader that I've got and I'm really thankful that he is mine.
Laura Dugger: Just getting to be friends with both of you, Mark and I love you, love your family. So excited to see you guys work through this and you pursue hard things because you are really all about growth. And I think it challenges people around you. To not settle for being complacent. Ang, I just admire your bravery, your courage, your joy that can only be from the Lord. [00:49:52]
People that don't know you maybe have already picked up from this from listening to your story, but there is no friend like you. You are so loyal. You're so celebratory of others. I just love you so much, and I really appreciate you sharing your story for encouragement with everyone. So thank you.
For years now, you've prayed about sharing it whenever there was an opportunity to give God the glory. And you've certainly done that today. God does turn our mourning into laughter. And today we've shared some tears, but we're going to share a little bit of laughter too.
So we're going to close out on a much lighter note. We are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. So, Ang, final question today, what's your savvy sauce?
Angela Braker: My savvy sauce is my walks. I love to tie up my tennis shoes, pop in my headphones, and take a walk. [00:50:51] Seth knows the days that I need a walk. It's where I can really just unload before the Lord and I can cry, I can be angry, I can grieve. I think that's when I hear from him. That's when we do the most work.
Sometimes for the first part of it, I'll run, kind of run out the aggression. But my favorite part of it is getting to the walk because I work it out in the run and then I get to the point where I get to walk. And that's where God starts to settle my heart. And like I said, I'll pray, I'll grieve. Sometimes I'll have to repent. Sometimes I'll have to work through sin in my own heart and then I'll have to come back and make that right with someone.
Also, I hope a lot on walks and I dream. I love getting to the end of the walk. I've done all the work, and now I can just dream. I love the dreaming part.
Laura Dugger: Oh, I love that. And what a perfect place to end today. Ang, I love you. You're such a special friend to me. Thank you for being my best. [00:51:49]
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.
This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.
This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. [00:52:55]
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him.
At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started? [00:53:57]
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John.
Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. [00:54:56]
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
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