120 Our Story for His Glory with Mercedes Cotchery

120. Our Story for His Glory with Mercedes Cotchery

 

**Transcription Below**

 

1 Corinthians 12:31 NIV “Now eagerly desire the greater gifts. And yet I will show you the most excellent way."

 

Mercedes Cotchery is a devoted Christian, wife, and mother.

Her name, Mercedes, means Our Lady of Mercy and bestows its honor from the Virgin Mary. In her spirit, she has become a woman of many mercies, and a mother of many children – her name manifesting itself into her destiny.

 

As she thinks about her family, she likes to think that they are all chosen. She is a proud mother to five children – Jacey (13), Nicholas (9), Joshua (9), Journey (7), and Nile (3). They mean the world to her, bringing her immeasurable joy and invaluable life lessons from their day-to-day experiences. Every single day she learns something new about the people they’re becoming, about herself, and she sees the world a little brighter.

 

Now, she lives a life where most days she is able to stay at home with her children, homeschool them, and flourish together.

 

Currently living outside of Charlotte, North Carolina, she is also an NFL wife to Jerricho Cotchery. This has been an amazing journey, and it’s what brought them to the Queen City. They’ve been blessed to grow their love, grow their family, and grow in the Lord together. The great state of North Carolina has also blessed her with a unique opportunity to own a furniture store.

 

She believes in helping mommies all over find and pull out the phenomenon within them, to discover and celebrate their gifts of being Phenomenal Moms, or what she likes to call PheMoms. She even has a blog that is dedicated to the essence of PheMoms everywhere, to marriage & mommy moments, baby beauty, birthday parties, and families growing phenomenally in Christ.

 

Mercedes believes in pollinating beautiful experiences, and is also a speaker available for engagements and events related to home schooling, marriage, being a PheMom, and adoption.

 

Connect with Mercedes On Facebook and Instagram: @mercedescotchery and @designavenuehome

 

Mercedes Cotchery Website

Design Avenue Home Website

 

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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

 

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

 

Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

 

Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” 

 

Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” 

 

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

 

Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” 

 

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

 

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” 

 

Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

 

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

 

Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

 

Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

 

Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

 

Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

 

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

 

**Transcription**

[00:00:00] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. 

 

[00:00:17] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message. 

 

I am thrilled to introduce you to our sponsor, Winshape Marriage. Their weekend retreats will strengthen your marriage, and you will enjoy this gorgeous setting, delicious food, and quality time with your spouse. To find out more, visit them online at Winshapemarriage.org. Thanks for your sponsorship.

 

This conversation was such a gift. Mercedes Cotchery is my guest today, and she is a captivating storyteller and humble daughter of the King. We are going to cover topics relating to marriage, parenting, homeschooling, and race. And she covers everything with grace and truth. [00:01:19] 

 

I hope you enjoy this time as much as I did. Here's our chat. 

 

Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Mercedes.

 

Mercedes Cotchery: Thank you for having me. 

 

Laura Dugger: Can you just begin by telling us a bit more about yourself?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: Yeah. I'll keep it simple. I'm a wife and a mother and a furniture shopkeeper. Together my husband and I have five children. This week, Lord willing, we will welcome our 24-year-old niece who will become a resident within our home as well. And so we are gonna work to kind of help her figure out what she wants to do in her career and also, by God's grace, try to disciple her and keep her just under our care.

 

Laura Dugger: Wow, well that's a lot to unpack right there. But let's just start with marriage. How did you meet Jericho, and what ups and downs have you experienced in your marriage? [00:02:18] 

 

Mercedes Cotchery: So we met on the campus of NC State. And I know the exact day and everything. October 27th, 2001. We were introduced by mutual friends. Honestly, what has led to most of our downs, you know, was just that when we got together, neither of us knew how to appropriately live as a godly spouse for the other. Just kind of reflecting on it now, I feel like we simply thought that the institution of marriage in and of itself was enough to right our wrongs.

 

So, you know, with fornication or any of the other things that we might have done prior to being married, I think we thought that marriage would kind of satisfy that. It wasn't a spoken thing that we thought, but I guess our habits or the way that we lived kind of spoke to that.

 

Laura Dugger: What kind of families did you both come from, or also church families and belief systems? [00:03:20] 

 

Mercedes Cotchery: So my husband, by God's grace in general, he was raised to believe in Jesus Christ, and he was expected to attend church. Now, he was a teenager. I wouldn't say typical, because some people grow up and never steer away from God. But he was, you know, not always obedient with what his mom's wishes were, but he never spent a day not knowing or believing in God and Jesus. 

 

As for me, my mother did her very best, but my background actually was Jehovah's Witness. So when I was about four, my mom was napping. I don't remember the exact age, but when I tell this story, I say four. But my mom was napping on the sofa, and she woke up to me sobbing. And she asked what was wrong, and I just said with tear-filled eyes, "I don't want to die."

 

And so she jumped off the sofa and called my aunt, who is and was at the time a Jehovah's Witness, and we began having Bible study. [00:04:22] I would continue to have these studies both with my mother and on my own until I graduated from high school. I never was baptized in that faith or anything like that.

 

What that faith did for me was it just gave me rules, I guess. There were certain boundaries that I didn't cross, but there were some that I did, but I don't consider myself having been saved during those years. And so that was kind of our background.

 

And so then we get together, and I had a weird kind of thought process. I believed that I only committed two sins when I met my husband. One was fornication, and the other was profanity. Other than that, I just thought I was perfect. 

 

So I would always kind of have these conversations with God because, you know, I still prayed and all those things. I'm not saying that those prayers were being answered, but I'm just... you know, with us, the culture that we grew up in, life being so hard and pressing upon you, you don't grow up not believing in God. [00:05:25] That was just foreign. 

 

So I naturally prayed and all those things. And so I would always just kind of try to, in my own kind of twisted, weird, misinformed kind of way, but this just shows you how gracious God is. I would just say to Him, If you would send a husband my way, I would give you my heart. I'd give my life to you. I would get saved and live my life for you.

 

That was always kind of my prayer once I got to college. And especially in 2001 because prior to that, my family had experienced a hurricane and lost our home and lost everything. So I was kind of just displaced and having some issues in my relationships with my girlfriends. And so I was really beginning to pray more and more for a spouse.

 

So when I literally met my husband on October 27th, the next day was a Sunday, and that following Monday was going to be my birthday. So some of my friends got together and had a dinner for me, and they invited him the day after we met. 

 

I went home that day from that dinner, and I just prayed, and I just said, "Lord, you know, I just met this gentleman, but if you'd have him be my husband, I think I could live forever for him, and I think that I could live for you with him." [00:06:36] 

 

Me feeling this way about my future husband wasn't because he was just some model citizen. He did have a candor and a demeanor about himself that I was not accustomed to coming from a young man. He was very soft-spoken, very tender, very gentle, and I think that that is what made me think that he was the guy for me. We've been together ever since the day that we met. 

 

And so I started asking my husband, my future husband, just questions to see where he was, who he was. You know, could you be with a girl that you didn't have premarital sex with? I'm just a girl on the scene, and he's thinking, okay, oh my gosh, what is going on? But he would answer the questions because he was just that polite. So he's like, yeah, you know, I could be with a girl that I wasn't intimate with.

 

And then I asked him, well, how many children do you want? Do you believe in God? Just started asking him all these things. [00:07:33] He doesn't know, but I had been praying some things to God, and I was ready to start living my life. I was older. I'm older than my husband, so I was just ready to start living my life.

 

And so he answered the questions, and we just kind of continued to court and be together. And 13 months into our relationship, he proposed to me.

 

Laura Dugger: Wow. I love hearing the background of that story. Can you also unpack a little bit then of your faith journey and your testimony? Because you said you wouldn't consider yourself saved before. So when did all of that change?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: So it gets tricky. You know, often in church, and I'm defining church as the collective church and not just the building for now. So often with church, people like to say, "Oh, I got saved on this day, and they give you specific things." I consider the year 2004, even though I started making these steps in 2001 and probably well before that. [00:08:33] 2004 was the year that I consider that I was saved. 

 

So with me kind of growing up being a cultural Christian, and then I know that gets tricky because I mentioned Jehovah's Witness, but me being a cultural Christian, I aspired and desired to live for God. I just didn't know what that was, what that meant, what that looked like.

 

I still hadn't even heard the gospel yet when I was probing my husband and asking him all these questions. But the Lord had just so gracious and merciful, has been and was, at the time, just so patient with me. 

 

I was working at a pharmaceutical company, GlaxoSmithKline. So as I was studying at the university, I was also simultaneously interning at a pharmaceutical company. The last department that I worked in at this pharmaceutical company before I would get married and move to Long Island, New York, there was a gentleman there, and he also went to NC State. [00:09:36] 

 

He graduated with a degree in chemical engineering. He was about a year older than I was, and we called ourselves pals. He was Chinese, and I just loved this friend so much. He never told me that he was a Christian. I just knew that he was. And so the Lord saw fit for my time with him to line up with my time meeting my husband. 

 

So as the Lord was having me have this paradigm shift that I really didn't know that I was having, I was still thinking that I was in control, and I was just trying to order my steps and get ready to become what I thought was a good Christian, Hal and I, we were working on some physical test with the drug that we were working on, and I just started asking him questions about God and Jesus and he just started answering them for me. He invited me to attend church with him. 

 

Now, because of my experience with Jehovah's Witnesses, there were things about the Orthodox Christian faith at the time that I wasn't ready to accept. [00:10:41] And so going to this particular non-denominational church was just what the doctor had ordered for my heart. 

 

They weren't pushy. You didn't have to look a certain way. We were just an eclectic bunch of people. Now Hal was the only Chinese, and I was the only Black American there, but none of that mattered because we were all just really unique.

 

The church met in a unique spot. Hal introduced me to the pastor and invited me to a community group, and I just kind of slowly began my life. Then I would eventually get baptized by this pastor. He did our premarital counseling. And I'll never forget the day before I got baptized in [Raleigh or Durham? 00:11:25] he just took a few moments, this pastor, to just explain a few things.

 

Even when I look back at it now, I can't believe that as immature and young as I was in my faith, I grasped what he was saying. [00:11:42] It wasn't that his words were profound or ambiguous or difficult to understand. It was just that my heart could receive it. And I know that that's a gift from God.

 

What he shared was that every single one of you here have been saved before today. Your baptism does not save you, and you have been taking steps to this day for a while prior to this point. That resonated with me so much because I knew that in 2001, I had started taking steps. It was so important for me to hear that your baptism didn't save you.

 

I can't really say that I knew that prior to that moment, but I grasped all of that before the Lord allowed my flesh to touch that water, so that I would never be deceived to think that that water did something to me, that I would always know that it was by the Holy Spirit, which is a gift from God. 

 

And ever since the day that I've been baptized, but honestly, ever since the day that I met my husband, for the most part, not perfectly, I have been on fire for the Lord, not because of me, but because of who God is. [00:12:56] My husband wasn't exactly where I was, not as fervent as I was, but by God's grace, he did get there. I've been going after the Lord ever since.

 

Laura Dugger: Mercedes, that is so powerful to hear your story. We know that Jesus tells us in the Bible that Jesus is the author and the perfecter of our faith, and so it just never gets old hearing every person's individual story. Your gentleness is so apparent throughout, but also your contentment is displayed in your adoption story. So will you elaborate on your journey to adoption?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: As a young girl in junior high, about the fifth or sixth grade, I had a friend. She was incredibly tall for her age. She just looked like a woman at a very early age. All of my friends they all just began to pass me by and enter into womanhood, but I did not. [00:14:02] 

 

So by seventh or eighth grade, I began speaking as if I was there, but I didn't know for sure. My body, by God's grace, just developed very normally. I just never developed a menstrual cycle.

 

So by seventh and eighth grade, my friends and I would begin to speak about surrogacy, and one of my dear friends would say that she would be my surrogate. Obviously, we were children. We didn't know what we were saying, but somehow we just knew that I was barren.

 

I would continue along this path, and then the summer prior to entering my senior year, I went to Governor's School, and I got pretty ill. I would often get ill if I got too hot. And living in the South, you're often too hot in the summertime because it's hot. 

 

This particular summer, you know, walking to and from class on a collegiate campus, though I wasn't yet a college student, it was the summer before my senior year, it was probably just a little bit more than my body could take. [00:15:05] 

 

Our menstrual cycle is a woman's way of cleansing itself, and those things didn't happen for me. And so somehow I ended up seeing a gynecologist. I don't necessarily know how I went from being ill, and my mom decided that I needed to see a gynecologist, but by God's grace, that was the order of my steps.

 

I saw a female doctor, and she administered a pap smear for me, and right away, before an ultrasound or anything, her first inclination was just to say, "You know, I don't feel a uterus." She said, "I can't say for sure, but we'll have an ultrasound, and after that point, we'll know." 

 

A few weeks later we had an ultrasound, and she analyzed the results, and she confirmed that her initial hypothesis was true, that I didn't have a uterus. I don't remember if she knew the term for the disorder. 

 

There's several different terms. One is pretty long. I don't know if I can pronounce it. Let's see. Mayer-Rokitansky-Küster-Hauser syndrome. That simply just means to be born without a uterus. [00:16:14] By God's grace, because I found out at such a young age, and I was still pretty naive, I was never really broken by it. 

 

Where I'm from, and kind of the state of the world now, people were somewhat relieved, I guess, that I couldn't have children. I was a studious child. Well, not studious, but pretty intelligent, and so people were thankful that possibly having a child out of wedlock would not be something that will hold me back. 

 

Now, it's sad that people thought that way, but I understood that ideology. In a weird way, I kind of wore this condition as a badge of honor. And then, you know, being exposed to Jehovah's Witnesses, sometimes they take scriptures pretty legalistically, and I don't mean that in a bad way. But this was where the Lord allowed me to draw the good. [00:17:13] 

 

Often, because Jehovah's Witnesses think so much about end times, there's a verse that speaks about how you can be blessed when you don't have children, because, in end times, you won't have to worry about wrangling your small children. You can just focus on trying to get yourself together for the Lord.

 

And so often the person that I was studying with, and another one of my aunts, just made me feel like it was kind of a gift, and so I feel like that was the Lord's way of protecting me from this. So I never saw this condition as a bad thing. I saw it as a gift from God. 

 

Now, my mother did mourn, and I asked her... right away when we were told, I asked her, "Mommy, why are you crying?" I don't remember what she said, but I didn't shed a tear about this until 2006, you know. So I found this out in like 1998 or 1997, and it took about seven or eight years before I even cried. [00:18:15] And it wasn't crying because I couldn't. But I learned to be content through my faith.

 

So once my husband and I got married, and we moved to Long Island, he played for the New York Jets, and we had a wonderful chaplain there, and he had a remarkable wife who was exceptionally patient and long-suffering. She would take the wives, and we would go through scriptures and write notes on our… whatever we were studying, and she would answer all of our questions. 

 

She was the first wife that ever discipled me. And this would go on for years. Then about two years after her being under her tutelage, another wife took us, and we started studying some of Priscilla Shire's books, you know, He Speaks to Me, and kind of all those things, her earlier books. 

 

So through those studies, my heart began to wonder, why did God allow me to be born without a uterus? Though science can say one thing, the Lord could have easily given me a uterus. [00:19:19] That's a very easy thing for Him. 

 

Scripture asks the rhetorical question, what is too hard for the Lord, and obviously, the answer to that is nothing. And so it wasn't too difficult for the Lord to give me a uterus. He just chose not to. 

 

So I drew into my God by His grace, and I asked Him, why did you have me be born this way? What is it that you have of me? I think about Paul in Acts. Some of the other versions with Paul's conversion don't pose the question of Paul asking God, what do you wish for me to do? But the King James asks that question. So when I think about my time with the Lord during this period in 2006, I think about Him just asking God. So studying and reading His Word and praying brought me to adoption. 

 

Initially, when I had those thoughts, I can't say that I was content. [00:20:20] It was something that I desired to do, but a little I still desired to have biological children, but in time even that would completely go away, actually in like a few months. 

 

All that to say that I'm content because I'm content in the Lord, and His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts. But He is wiser than I can comprehend, and so if He has decided that I don't need a uterus, then I agree, and I have decided that I don't need a uterus. 

 

And then the natural process of reasoning and logic lead me to believe that since I don't need a uterus, then I also don't need biological children, and then I can be content in that. And I am so content in it.

 

Laura Dugger: Your peace and purpose that came through that entire journey is incredibly inspiring. [00:21:21] First of all, I'm so honored to get to sit under your teaching and learn this from you. And then also it's so apparent that God has clearly used your story and your exact makeup and design to bear much fruit. Because you did mention you and Jericho now are the parents of five children. Could you tell us a little bit more about their age range and life right now?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: My oldest, she will turn 13 on Monday, so we will officially have a teenager. I just want to say she works so hard, I could cry now, and she tries so hard to please us. We know that ultimately she needs to please God, but we're so thankful at just how hard she tries. It's just beautiful to see what we require of her for school is not normal, and she just humbly and softly and sweetly and graciously tries to do what we ask. [00:22:28] 

 

Then we have two 9-year-old sons, one will turn 10 in November. Next we have a 7-year-old girl. She is a firecracker, like seriously, for real. And our baby is three, and he will turn four in September. 

 

It's absolutely crazy. I'm speaking softly and quietly and gently, but it's absolutely crazy to have five children and homeschool and be a wife and a shopkeeper and love Jesus and all the things. It is crazy.

 

Laura Dugger: I think that's a very real picture. Just with sometimes all the chaos that comes with having a wonderful house full of people, do you find yourself ever having to raise your voice or experience that chaos? [00:23:29]

 

Mercedes Cotchery: Oh, yeah. Sometimes I think that as parents and moms, we don't talk enough about the reality of being parents. Sometimes I feel like that's how people end up thinking that maybe their children need help outside of the home. I'm in no way saying that they don't. But children are born sinners, and it is shown every single day. 

 

And to raise your children up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord takes work. To do anything well in a way that pleases God takes work. It's not easy. It's years of training. That's why children are born children and not adults, because they need to be taught to be an adult. 

 

So this voice gets raised all day, every day, because that is what it takes. That is what it takes. Now, not being belligerent or yelling or sinning. Not that I've never sinned by yelling at my children, but that is not my normal and typical way of being. But it takes some serious chops. Because children want to go their way and we need them to go the way of the Lord. [00:24:36] 

 

Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor. 

 

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Laura Dugger: Many of us listening have now experienced life as a homeschooling parent, or some maybe are currently choosing to homeschool their children. So I think it would be wonderful to gain some tips from a veteran in this area. You've been at this for years, so are there any systems or rhythms that make homeschooling a joy for both you and your children?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: Preparedness is what will make it a joy, and that's something that we cannot take lightly. We have to prepare for our children each day. Anything that we do takes work. [00:26:38] So today, I woke up at 4:45 AM, right, because I knew all that I needed to do. 

 

This isn't to make people feel guilty about having a checklist, or this isn't about that, this is just being real. Like, if there's a certain fruit that I want to be produced, then I need to put in the work and sow those seeds with God's help.

 

So at 4:45, I woke up to make sure that my mind was set for what you've blessed me to do. Then after that, I needed to make sure that my lesson plan was ready for my soon-to-be 13-year-old because she has Latin and logic and all kinds of things. This week, she needs to write, by God's grace, an outline on a historic American character. She needs to do five lessons in her logic booklet. She has to write an anti-chart. That's an outline for a story that she has to write for a persuasive essay. [00:27:36] 

 

She has to go through an entire lesson of Latin with the second declension. She has to write a little blurb about herself. And I'm forgetting probably three other subjects that she has to do, right? So I knew I needed to be on with you at noon, but I had to do justice to what she needed to do. 

 

In addition, my two 9-year-olds are learning to write papers, and so we had to work on their keyword outline and kind of introduce some mechanics of the English language to them. They needed to study some vocabulary so that they can broaden their palate and be able to bask in the 600,000 words that we have in the English language. Then that doesn't even mention my two younger children, which, by God's grace, I have a nanny, and so she kind of will deal with them for me. 

 

But all that to say that I don't necessarily have to use the words systems or rhythms, just period. [00:28:39] I need to be prepared for my children so that I'm not caught off guard by the day and that I'm not giving myself an excuse to sin. Because sin is going to show its face in my day anyway. And so the ways that I can alleviate that so that I can meet my children with gentleness, so that as we are together, not only are they hearing me make much of the name of Christ, but they're also simultaneously seeing me live like I truly do make much of the name of Christ. 

 

And then in the moments where I fall short and I live in contradiction to what I confess, then I can go to them and also humbly apologize and repent and tell them where I was wrong. That's really what I try to make a habit of doing. On days when I don't prepare for my children, those days are not good. They are not good days.

 

Laura Dugger: I think that brings up the other side, because there are two sides to everything. So what are the struggles that you've encountered with homeschooling? [00:29:41] 

 

Mercedes Cotchery: One, it's a lot of work. It's a lot for a parent to have to do all of the subjects. And not only that, but you also have to introduce new things to your children while holding them accountable to the prior things that they've learned. So keeping up with making sure that you're checking the work that they do, being consistent, being diligent.

 

And then when they're younger, not growing bored with the repetition because that's really how we learn. We learn through repeating the same thing until we master it. And then once we master it, we take it up a notch. And that it's like walking up a set of stairs. You cannot get to the fifth step until you've walked up steps one, two, three, and four. 

 

So for me, the difficulty of just being consistent and making sure that I understand the importance of laying the foundation so that we can build on it and being prepared for it all. [00:30:41] 

 

Laura Dugger: I think we can just glean a lot of wisdom and parenting in general from you. So from your 13 years of experience, a few questions, one, just for fun, is there any age that has come most naturally for you to parent or any age that has really been most commonly your struggle with your kids?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: So, babies, infants, by God's grace, are one of my gifts. I can get an infant on a schedule like nobody's business, where they're feeding three hours a day, sleeping for about three hours until they need that next bottle, and really kind of training children in those very young years. 

 

The ages that are difficult, the two, three, and four. And it's simply because now they're beginning to talk. And to a 2-year-old, they've only lived for two years, and to them, that's like a thousand years because they feel like they've been here forever. [00:31:44] 

 

That same thing kind of progresses with being three and four. So convincing your child that they are a child is special. So, yes, those are the difficult years.

 

And I'm realizing with my 13-year-old, I don't know because we kind of have just gotten here, my soon-to-be 13-year-old. But I noticed that I don't have to be as brassy with her. It actually encourages me to parent the way that I have parented so far, because it gets softer and easier if I can be consistent with the work that it takes.

 

But the trick is that as my children are getting older, I'm also getting older. And I noticed last week I have lost a bit of my step. That's what athletes say. Like if my husband, you know, if you're not as agile or as fast, you've lost this step. And so I have lost a bit of my step. So with my children getting older, it is a lot more difficult for me to have the same endurance that I had 13 years ago. [00:32:49] 

 

I mean, if one little thing went wrong with my 13-year-old when she was a baby, maybe she didn't nap as long. Maybe she didn't eat as much one day, I would go straight to the Lord and pray and ask him to reveal to me how I could help her.

 

If we were going to fly on an airplane, I would practice with her at home so that I could make sure that she would nap on the plane in my lap. I would really nest over what it is that I needed to do to help us be successful on this airplane. Or whatever it is that we were going to do with her, I had time to practice for it. 

 

But as I get to child five, I don't have the same amount of time to spend with each individual child because now every child needs something. So though the ages two, three, and four get harder in general, parenting has gotten more difficult. 

 

But the beauty of it is... you know, 1 Timothy 2:15 tells us that moms are saved through child-rearing. [00:33:47] And so in the same way that I'm trying to emphasize the importance of having a plan and being methodical as we homeschool our children so that we can try to alleviate some of the issues that we might run into during the day because things are going to happen, you know, the Lord allows us for the most part to have children kind of one at a time so that you grow with them. 

 

And so now having five kids, it's like someone just opened a fire hose and they just shot it in my face. The Lord was patient. He's still patient, but he was very patient early on to allow me to grow gradually. Now as my children were growing and I was teaching them, I was growing in my endurance. As in these later years, I'm losing a little bit of my step, I now have this work ethic. So maybe I'm not as swift or sharp as I was, but I can work harder now than I could 13 years ago.

 

Laura Dugger: That's so interesting to hear that whole progression. [00:34:48] Even on a super practical level, what chores and schedules, and lessons are happening in your house right now?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: I spend so much time kind of homeschooling and teaching. My children do have chores, but I'm not so purposeful that like this week so and so does this. So what happens is I enjoy being a homemaker and our lives are a little different than most. So sometimes we have people that help us clean. Right now I do not have a person who helps me clean. Don't I need one? But I also have a nanny. 

 

So my children don't have set chores, but they can do everything. I try to make sure that school is their primary focus. And because I know that we ask a lot of them, I don't weigh them down with other things. You know, they don't wake up thinking, oh, my goodness, I have to do this today. It's just that if there's time, you know, because we train them to be obedient and respectful, for the most part, they are not perfect, if we call upon them for something, they are eager to help. [00:35:51] 

 

Even my 9-year-old sons know how to clean the kitchen. Cleaning the kitchen is not necessarily their job, but on a day where mommy is weak or she needs rest, I've fallen behind because as perfect as I may sound, I am a procrastinator.

 

So when I need them, they know how to either wash the dishes by hand or load the dishwasher, dry them, put them away. And then every morning when before they come downstairs, they spread their beds. You know, they do their chores. They put their clothing away. They make sure their rooms are neat for the most part before they come downstairs, because very rarely do we go back upstairs until bedtime.

 

Then when we have our meals, they're responsible for just making sure that their dishes either get put away. Often we eat out of paper plates since there's so many. And these people like to eat and we're eating like three meals a day and a snack. So they make sure that they kind of discard their things. [00:36:47] 

 

They don't often clean the restrooms. I think I've let my oldest do that twice, but one of my sons, my oldest is so good at helping me garden. So he loves to pull weeds for me. Our driveway is abnormally long, like where when we have to take our trash, sometimes we drive it down. 

 

So my sons are very good at taking the trash cans and the recycling bin down to the end of the street or bringing those back. But they don't specifically have chores.

 

I really like them to focus on their studies and focus on trying to be catechized and have a practical understanding of who our savior is, hoping that one day He will take over their hearts and what we've tried to place in their hearts will become a real reality for them. So for whatever reason, yeah, my heart just... I just really want them to obey us and do school. Those are their chores. Those are their jobs. [00:37:46] 

 

Laura Dugger: You've also alluded to all these different roles that you're simultaneously carrying. So how do you personally make the most of your many roles without sacrificing your main priorities?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: I will say it's not easy, but I see my main role as a daughter of the King and so then everything else stems from that. And I found that when I'm faithful to working on who I am in Christ, being a daughter of the King, I can get all my other roles in check.

 

Now being a shopkeeper really, really does stretch me. I have a great store manager, so I only have to be at the store twice a week. When my husband purchased the store for me, I was exceptionally naive and I didn't know how much of me would be required. And it does require a lot more of me than I had planned. [00:38:45] 

 

But I'm faithful to my priorities first. So it's being a follower of Christ, being a wife and then a mother, and then a shopkeeper. And if I don't lose that order, I can do a pretty decent job at everything within reason, because obviously I fall short.

 

Then I have to be honest, my husband is at home right now. He's not coaching football this year or playing, and he really blesses me beyond measure. He went to the store for me yesterday and he had to do a few tasks that needed some manpower.

 

When I went to kind of shower and get dressed for my time with you, he watched with my sons as they kind of worked through their keyword outlines. But the secret to all of it is just knowing who I am in Christ and knowing my limitations. The Lord is infinite, but I am not, and I cannot do all things. He can do all things. [00:39:50] 

 

Laura Dugger: That is such a good word and a reminder we can't have enough of. And it's just helpful to hear the real picture, like what hands go into it and what our responsibilities are. And you're right that we are finite. What other wisdom and truth have you clung to from the Lord that helped you fight false guilt, especially as it relates to having a career in addition to caring for a family?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: The first question you should ask yourself is just why am I feeling this way? Don't put it in the column of false guilt or real guilt, just why. When we enter into a right relationship with God, we spend a lifetime being sanctified. And this sanctification is working on our inner man, like our heart, our mind, the spirit portion of us.

 

So when we align the spirit portion of ourselves with God and His will, our intuition kicks in. [00:40:50] So if we're doing something and it makes us feel guilty, I'm not saying that we should necessarily feel guilty about it, but there's a reason. 

 

So what I do is I think about Hebrews chapter 12, and I consider... This portion will come from James, but I consider all hardship as instruction from the Lord. And so whenever I feel guilty, because I do, I try to really reason and ask myself, okay, why am I feeling this way? And often it's something that I either did or I'm not doing well enough. 

 

So for example, if I go to my shop and I have to leave my children, there's nothing wrong with having time away from your children, but why am I feeling guilty today that I'm leaving my children? Well, the real reason that I'm feeling guilty today is because on the days when I was able to be home with my children, I wasn't fully emotionally available to them. So now this one day that I get to go away to the shop, I feel guilty because my mind is telling me I should be with my children. [00:41:53] 

 

So what this guilt is going to teach me is that when I have the opportunity to be with my children, be with them, be present with them, and love on them as much as I can so that when I'm away, this false guilt won't even creep into my mind. Or if it does, I can denounce it and say, No, on Tuesday I did this, this, this with the kids, you know, like I can speak to it. But I never completely discount my guilt, I try to reason through it. And Isaiah admonishes us to reason.

 

Laura Dugger: That is so beneficial. Thank you. I feel like you've kind of helped me, encouraged me to slow down that process and another way to get to the root of it. Something else I'm just learning a lot about right now is spiritual gifts. And I love asking other people about theirs. So do you happen to know yours?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: I feel like anything that you're good at, that you use to bring God glory can be a gift. [00:42:57] The things that I'm good at, I think, cause it doesn't sound so humble, but I think that I'm good at teaching by God's grace. I'm good at reasoning and logic, loving, and that is the one that gets me so emotional, and adoption and marriage have taught me that.

 

But one thing that I would like to take the time to discuss now are the gifts of the spirit, you know, love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control. Before COVID people would learn that at homeschool and just say, "Oh, you must be so patient." And I learned that as a believer, we all should be working towards those gifts of the spirit because since the Holy Spirit indwells us and that indwelling came at the point of conversion salvation, those are all gifts that we should have. [00:44:00] 

 

Now, my husband, for example, he is exceptionally gifted with the gift of patience. I'm just going to be a normal Christian with patience that he is like... patience is actually one of his gifts in the way that love is my gift.

 

Laura Dugger: I am just nodding along as you're sharing, Mercedes, because just through this conversation, even I can see those gifts that God has supernaturally given you. I love how you summarized it just saying that anything that we are good at, and that does bring him glory, that that can be a gift.

 

Mercedes Cotchery: Yeah, because you should be sharing it with others. Like my oldest, you know, she has lots of gifts, but a gift that I love seeing through her isn't a gift that's listed in scripture. She has an abnormal work ethic. That girl just works so hard. [00:45:00] 

 

And that's something that she can share with her siblings because she's worked so hard and laid a foundation for our homeschool. She's able to gently go behind and help them learn things or show them how she did things based on the work that she's put in. 

 

But for you, you should even consider what you do as a podcaster. You spend your time doing this. You were so well with corresponding with me and when I was terrible with corresponding with you and keeping us on task and just being organized, you know. Like you dedicate your time to do this away from your children. And it is something that you are doing for the glory of God.

 

You should definitely consider that you're gifted in this. I'm sure you have 7,000 other gifts, but I would encourage you obviously to consider the gifts of the spirit, but consider things that you do daily and take them before the Lord and just ask Him, you know, does He believe that this is a gift of yours. [00:46:01] 

 

But your gifts, where you start looking for your gifts is you consider what your life looks like. And so like adoption being one of my gifts. At every point in my life, I've had a friend that was adopted. So as I started looking to see if adoption was something that the Lord had for me, I took a survey of my life to see like, what about my life looks like adoption before I just consider this a gift of mine, what about my life looks like I could be gifted in loving others, what about my life looks like I'm good at teaching, you know, what about my life speaks to the fact that my reasoning, critical thinking and logical skills, what about my life looks like those could be gifts. Your life is your proof for these things. 

 

So, again, like everything else, you start with a question. What are my gifts? Not that you're asking me, because you know what yours are, but for anyone, this is what I do for myself. What are my gifts? And then you hypothesize what you think one gift is. And then as you lay the framework to prove whether or not this truly is your gift, take a survey of your life to see what about your life looks like what you hypothesized is a gift. [00:47:19] 

 

Laura Dugger: I feel like you can't help, but be encouraging. And I just really appreciate that. Thank you for those kind words.

 

Some of you have asked how to find specific books or resources we've mentioned in one of our previous episodes. That's why I'm excited to let you know about our Resources tab. When you visit thesavvysauce.com, you can click on our tab called Resources. There you will find all of the resources mentioned from every episode. And when you purchase a resource from that list, you're actually supporting our work at The Savvy Sauce. 

 

We also spend a lot of time preparing show notes for every individual episode so you can access websites, scripture, and the recommended resources when you click on any episode after you visit thesavvysauce.com. We hope you take advantage of these features so you can apply all that you've learned.

 

I would be remiss not to learn from you with another important conversation. [00:48:19] So, Mercedes, what has been your experience with the current state of our nation and our world?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: We know what you're speaking of, but I just want to be specific. The state of our nation and our world as it relates to race relations. For me, by God's grace, I have always been around people of other ethnicities. You know, in the kindergarten. So I spent half of the kindergarten in North Carolina and the other half in Virginia. 

 

So in North Carolina, my very best friend, my first best friend, she was an Anglo-Saxon, White. And then when I went to Virginia to finish the second half, my best friend there was Filipino. And so I've always been saturated with all different kinds of people by God's grace.

 

When I look out into the world, I'm grieved. [00:49:21] Again, I'm full of hope, but I'm deeply grieved. People who are not Christians, I love them and they don't grieve me. But it's the people of God who grieve me the most. Because with so much chaos and confusion going on right now, we need to be able to read scripture and allow that to resonate with us in a practical way.

 

But because we have taken on so many ideologies and things of the world, even professing Christians don't truly have a biblical worldview. And so when you are a professing Christian and you know scriptures, but you don't genuinely have a biblical worldview, you can't make God's word practical without a mediator. It's almost like you need another medium to explain something to you.

 

What I'm not saying is that we shouldn't sit down and be in community and fellowship with one another to understand what things mean. [00:50:25] Scripture is hard. But what I am saying is that you don't have to go get a sociology book to teach you how to love your neighbor. Love your neighbor is a command and we abide in our commands, which are imperatives because our indicative natures have been changed because we've been saved by Jesus. 

 

And so if you are a Christian, you should be able to love your fellow man because skin color is such an outward adornment and it has nothing to do with who we are in Christ together. Christians are a chosen race and we are closer to one another than any other relationship.

 

Paul does such a remarkable job of spelling this out in his books and how he speaks about how we should have one mind. The way that he even speaks about the Father and the Son so fluently, because it's clear for him. When I look out into the world, heart is broken that most people see my skin color and they put more value in that than they do in my standing with the Lord and my heart to contend for the faith. [00:51:39] 

 

I love people so much. When I encounter a believer, I'm not guarded. I'm so ready to pour my love out on them, invite them over, give them tea, coffee, let's have a party, let's go to the spa. But when I do that for people who feel like they need to know everything about me before, it ends up not being the way that it plays out in my head. 

 

So my heart is just that. Christians would stop looking outwardly and stop looking at what is going on in the world and really take God at His word and trust scripture and trust that when two people are not the same ethnicity, you can have a real conversation. And the conversation, if one person is Chinese and one person is Black, or if one person is Anglo-Saxon, the other person is Black, trust that the Black person doesn't need to be the only voice in the conversation because your trust ultimately isn't in that person, your trust is in God. [00:52:49] 

 

So if both of you have a relationship with God, trust Him. Let's work this thing out. Let's have a real conversation to see how we can be knit together all the more so that as the world is thrown into a mass amount of chaos, let us bask in the unity that we have in Christ. 

 

We have been baptized into a collective unity. Live according to that. Our lives are not chaotic just because the world has chaos.

 

Laura Dugger: I think that is so beautifully said. I'm going to summarize what I heard so you can correct me where I'm wrong. But what I hear you saying is our identity at the core is either Christ follower or unbeliever. So if that is our core identity as believer or not, then the believers are the ones that you're calling to step up into a biblical accurate worldview that is global. [00:53:55] That what they look at and see is our commonality in Christ. Is that accurate for what you're saying?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: Yes. Sometimes we put so much emphasis and connection to our ethnic makeup. And don't get me wrong. I am so thankful to the Lord to have been born a Black American woman. I think that there are so many things that come with being Black that have benefited me in my faith. 

 

I think that every ethnicity should find the things that God has riddled in their ethnicity to help them in their faith. But there are just so many in mine and I love it. You know, from my ancestors being slaves, you know, so that it's nothing for me to be a slave for Christ. I mean, it's beautiful to be a person of color for me because I just like to pull the good out of everything. But ultimately, my allegiance is to Christ, and so I love all of God's people. [00:54:53] 

 

Sometimes I'm finding now that as my Anglo-Saxon or White brothers and sisters are trying to figure out what they should do, sometimes they are attaching themselves to things that really aren't biblical. You know, like the Black Lives Matter campaign. So now for me, do I think that the lives of Black people matter? I absolutely do.

 

Does it make me sad even sometimes when people say, well, blue lives matter, too? That does make me sad, even though the lives of police officers matter because all lives matter, you know. But my point I wanted to bring it up is that, again, as Isaiah reminds us to reason and then logic comes from reasoning, you know, as a Christian, you are supposed to view everything through a biblical lens. We are to have a biblical worldview. 

 

And so a lot of the research and the ideologies that the Black Lives Matter campaign has comes from inductive reasoning. I personally am a deductive reasoning type of person, and it's my belief that kind of all Christians should be because deductive reasoning starts with a statement, a thesis, a belief. [00:56:00] 

 

And so our belief is from Christ. That is our presupposition. And then from that presupposition, then we form all of our beliefs and our opinions. 

 

Inductive reasoning does the opposite. They see something out in the world, right? For example, they see Black people being mistreated or what they believe is the mistreatment of Black people, and then they work in reverse to get to the top, to get to that thesis, to get to that statement. When you do that, it leaves God out. But you're supposed to start with God and then deduct your conclusions.

 

Laura Dugger: That is so well put. I feel like we could spend an entire other podcast unpacking all of the wisdom there and then the practical application. But thank you for sharing and just being able to talk about this difficult topic with biblical roots and encouraging us to start there. [00:56:59] I just say yes and amen to all of that. This time has been so enjoyable. I would love for listeners to be able to connect with you after this conversation. So where can they find and follow you online?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: Well, the first place that I would love for everyone to follow me is on Instagram @DesignAvenueHome, all spelled out. And that page showcases my shop. I hope that you would purchase some candles from my online candle shop.

 

The second place that you can find me is on my personal page on Instagram, and that's @MercedesCotchery, all spelled out. My website is Mercedes-cotchery.com. I have blogs there and some encouragement for moms.

 

Facebook has the same handles as Instagram for Mercedes Cotchery and Design Avenue Home. And I would love to connect with everyone. And yeah, they can send questions or anything that they like. [00:58:02] 

 

Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We will link to that in the show notes and Resources tab of our website. And you know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge, and we want to know how to apply some beneficial best practices from your life. So as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?

 

Mercedes Cotchery: It's cheating. Let me tell you. Okay. So I'm so good at winging it and that's my secret. I don't encourage anyone to be a winger. But with speaking and all those things, it's like I can just figure things out on the go, on the fly.

 

Laura Dugger: Wow. Well, you are so incredibly gifted in so many areas. Mercedes, your gentleness is so attractive. I've really enjoyed this opportunity to connect with you. You are a woman living on mission and it's inspiring for each of us listening to get to do the same as we follow Jesus and fully surrender to the call He has on each of our lives. [00:59:16] So I'm very grateful to have been able to host you as my guest today.

 

Mercedes Cotchery: No, thank you. And I just want to say to you, you are incredibly gracious. All of the compliments that you have thrown my way, they really belong to you.

 

I'm just so overwhelmed by how you are unapologetically putting out good news and you're not trying to have a podcast where you're saying it's a Christian podcast and we're going to mention Jesus and we're going to mention God, but it's really something else. What a gift you are. How thankful I am to have had you give me this opportunity.

 

I pray that nothing will ever come in your way where it makes you waver in what you're doing. That you will never compromise truth. You have just blessed me with that. I'm just thankful to you. 

 

I pray that all of your listeners get that from you. I pray that that's why they all actually listen, it's because when they listen to you, it's not just entertainment, it is truly godly entertainment where once they're done, they're going to be better with God. [01:00:25] 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh my goodness. I have a quivering voice and tears in my eyes. To God be the glory. Thank you, Mercedes.

 

Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him.

 

This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.

 

This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. [01:01:26] Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. 

 

We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. 

 

So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. [01:02:25] 

 

If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him. 

 

At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?

 

First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. 

 

Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. 

 

We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [01:03:25] 

 

Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. 

 

If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.