118 Parenting All Temperaments with Jenny Boyett

118. Parenting All Temperaments with Jenny Boyett

 

**Transcription Below**

 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (NIV) "Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” 

 

Jenny Boyett is the mom to four daughters (three of them triplets!) She has served at North Point Ministries, a network of churches in the Atlanta area, for over 17 years helping connect adults into small groups. She currently serves in North Point’s publishing ministry supporting authors and inspiring leaders with faith-based content. When she’s not shuttling her three teenage triplets around, Jenny’s dreaming about her next Joanna Gaines-inspired home project. She’s a graduate of Georgia Southern University, a huge proponent of counseling, and a raving fan of The Bachelorette.

 

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Other Savvy Sauce Podcast Episodes Mentioned

72 Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships, Part 1 with Kathleen Edelman

73 Understanding Temperaments to Improve Your Relationships, Part 2 with Kathleen Edelman

 

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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)

 

Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”

 

Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”

 

Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.” 

 

Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.” 

 

Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” 

 

Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.” 

 

John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

 

Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” 

 

Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”

 

Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”

 

Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”

 

Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”

 

Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“

 

Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“

 

Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

 

**Transcription**

[00:00:00] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. 

 

[00:00:18] <music>

 

Laura Dugger: Our sponsor for this episode is Plan to Eat. Make sure you check out their app today or visit their website. Savvy Sauce listeners get a 60-day free trial that requires no payment information when they visit plantoeat.com/savvy.

 

Jenny Boyett is my upbeat and helpful guest for today. Her ministry and parenting experience allows her to speak wisdom into all our interactions with our own children who are either similar or different from us. 

 

Temperaments are with us for life, so this episode will be helpful to any parents, ranging from first-time parents of newborns to empty nesters with adult children. I hope you discover beneficial ideas to apply to your own family after concluding this conversation. 

 

Here's our chat. [00:01:19] 

 

Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jenny.

 

Jenny Boyett: Thank you so much. It's an honor to be with you.

 

Laura Dugger: We would love first just to have a glimpse of who you are and what you do.

 

Jenny Boyett: Well, I am a mom to four daughters, three of them being triplets. They're 16 years old and then one 10-year-old. I live in Alpharetta, Georgia, and I have been working at North Point Community Church and within North Point Ministries for the last 18 years. I never thought I'd work at a church, and now I work there for 18 years. So it's a lot of fun and I enjoy just getting to be at the local church level and also help other churches around the country.

 

Laura Dugger: You've also become interested in working with temperaments. So how did you originally get into all of that?

 

Jenny Boyett: Oh, goodness, yes. Well, when my triplets were about eight years old and my youngest was two, life got pretty crazy. I needed help. [00:02:19] And I had heard about this temperament coach, Kathleen Edelman, out there, and I just knew that I needed to meet her. 

 

So I started emailing her and it was hard to get an appointment, but I was hoping that she would be able to fix my girls. I finally got an appointment and then I quickly realized that I was the one that probably needed fixing. Because she met with me and she met with the girls and she met then with each of them individually, and she said, "They are delightful, but I think you and I should spend some time together." 

 

And that kind of started my journey over the last eight years of learning about the temperaments, kind of being Kathleen's understudy, if you will, and just learning them as a parent, but also as an employee, an employer, that kind of thing. It's just been so life-changing.

 

I see how powerful understanding your own wiring and that of your kids or your co-workers can be. And so it's just something I'm super passionate about. [00:03:18] 

 

Laura Dugger: Well, we have had the pleasure of meeting with Kathleen as well. Back in episodes 72 and 73, we covered these temperaments in depth. I'll put these easy links in the show notes for anyone who's interested in listening to those. 

 

But today we are going to go a different direction to understand the temperaments specifically as they relate to parenting. So just to get started, will you give us a quick overview of the four temperaments?

 

Jenny Boyett: Absolutely. I've been doing this for the last several years, but I would love for the people to listen that didn't listen to Kathleen's podcast because she for sure is the expert in this, but I can tell you my practical experience along the way. 

 

But the overview of the temperaments are there are four temperaments. They have the Greek names, but we refer to them as colors just because it's a little bit easier. So we have the sanguine, which is yellow, we have the choleric that's red, the melancholy that's blue and the phlegmatic that's green. [00:04:19] 

 

And if you think of them on a chart and you think the top chart is yellow and red and the bottom chart is green and blue, the yellow and red, the top two, they are extroverts. And what that means is their thoughts and emotions go outward. So those are the people that may talk before they think and say, "Oops, I didn't mean to say that."

 

The bottom quadrant, green and blue, they're more introverted. What I love about this is that it just means that their thoughts and emotions go inward. It doesn't necessarily mean that they don't want to be around people. It just means that they are more internal processors. And that's real important when you think of the green for this next part that I'm going to share with you because I have a green daughter. So this was very insightful to me.

 

If you then are still looking at that chart and now on the left side of the chart you have the yellow at the top and the green at the bottom, those are very people-focused. So their first thought is, how do people feel? [00:05:20] What are people doing? Just very focused on people. 

 

On the right side, when you have the red and the blue, their first thought is the task. So they're going to choose a task over a person any day of the week. And so what's interesting about that is the greens kind of can get lost because they are introverted people people. I have a daughter that's that way. And so kind of understanding this and understanding what she was processing, because she liked to be around people, but she was just super quiet, it was really helpful in being able to parent her and guide her on her route. 

 

Then it's also important to know that most people or all people have a dominant and a secondary. So you will have usually one that is dominant and then you will have one that is either across or down. You don't usually go diagonal. 

 

So in the quadrant that I was talking about, most people would be a yellow-red or a yellow-green, you would be a red-yellow or a red-blue, you could be a green-yellow or a green-blue, or you would be a blue-red or a blue-green. [00:06:28] Most people are not yellow-blue or blue-yellow or red-green, green-red, just because you would be a kind of opposite of yourself. And it would be really difficult on you if that is you.

 

Laura Dugger: That's super helpful to get the overview. Will you also share what your temperament is with the primary and secondary and also each of your daughters?

 

Jenny Boyett: Yes, I will. We have a little bit of everything. I am yellow-red. And then my triplets, I have Addie, Riley, and McKenna. So Addie, the firstborn, is red-blue. And then my second daughter, Riley, she is green-yellow. And then my third daughter, McKenna, is yellow-red. And then my fourth daughter, Skylar, is red-yellow.

 

Laura Dugger: Wonderful. I think that'll help lay the foundation. There are nuances of each temperament. So will you explain how does that secondary color impact the way each temperament manifests itself? [00:07:33] 

 

Jenny Boyett: Usually, somebody's dominant you'll be able to tell unless they're a real 50-50 split. But knowing this and knowing what their secondary makes a big difference. As a parent, I did not realize my firstborn, Addie, was... I knew she was a red, but I had gone back and forth on her secondary being yellow or blue until she got her permit. And I'll explain more about this. But you're like, yeah, yellow and blue is opposite. And it's like, yeah, it is. 

 

So somebody that is a yellow-red versus a yellow-green. A yellow-red is going to have a little bit more decisiveness to them. They're going to be able to naturally go into leading a project if there isn't somebody already leading it. They're going to step up to lead a little bit more so than someone who is a yellow-green. 

 

A yellow-green is going to be really go-with-the-flow, less decisive than a yellow-red. [00:08:33] A yellow-red will be a little bit more like, you know, "Oh, what do you want for lunch?" "Oh, I'm feeling Chinese." Whereas a yellow-green is like, "Oh, I don't care. You decide."

 

Honestly, I think the yellow-greens are more innately kind because I have a daughter that's that way. She just is very go-with-the-flow, really doesn't have a sense of urgency in her a lot. Whereas a yellow-red is going to be a little bit more driven to accomplish a task. Whereas the yellow-green is really they're just all focused on people and no task. 

 

The next combination, you can either be a red-yellow, or you can be a red-blue. A red-yellow is going to be someone who is decisive, but that is very people-oriented, still likes to have a lot of fun, is constantly, you know, potentially looking for people to engage with them in conversation. Whereas a red-blue is really fine, a little bit more so by themselves. It doesn't mean that they don't like people, but they're just so focused on tasks that they would have to put down, check in with my people. [00:09:42] You know, as a task, to check it off their list. So they're going to be a little bit more focused on accomplishment and the red-yellow will be a little bit more focused on the people side of things. 

 

Then you have the breakdown of a blue-red, or it could be, you could be a blue-green. So a blue-red, they're going to be a little bit more quiet, a little bit more task-focused. They're going to be concerned more on safety and on accomplishing what needs to be accomplished on their to-do list. Whereas a blue-green is going to be pretty organized. However, they will leave room for spontaneity. They will not be as decisive. They will kind of have a little bit more go-with-the-flow in them. And even though the blue is a little bit about being a perfectionist, that green side of them will allow them some flexibility in that perfection. 

 

Then if you're a green, you can either be a green-yellow, or a green-blue. So they're really go-with-the-flow. They're all people-oriented. [00:10:45] They're going to have very little task-focused. And so it's going to be a coworker or a child that you're probably going to have to stay on and keep motivated to accomplish something by a deadline. Whereas somebody that's a green-blue is going to still go with the flow, but they're going to be a little bit more on top of wanting to accomplish the task at hand because of that blue secondary. They have a little bit more focus on the task side of things.

 

Laura Dugger: Wow. That is awesome to start trying to picture where we are and where our children are at. One follow-up question with that, I'll just use a personal example. So I've tested and have been affirmed by those I love that I am a yellow-green. And yet in parenting, for the first time in my life, it's like I was able to borrow some of the skills of a red. It's much more difficult to borrow the skills of a blue. [00:11:49] But have you found that to be a pattern where whichever other one we touch, we can still lean into?

 

Jenny Boyett: Yeah. I mean, I think we all have elements of all four temperaments. I've seen those. We usually just have the primary and the secondary or your dominant and secondary. But I definitely feel like you can borrow the strengths or the weaknesses of all the temperaments. 

 

And a lot of that depends on your own upbringing, your environment, you know, different things you've been exposed to. I definitely feel like that's possible. Because I'm a yellow-red and I'm really dominant yellow. So I just have a splash of red. And when I had triplets, you would have thought that I was totally blue because I, for the first two weeks, was so out of whack. 

 

I like to not have a schedule, right? I like to just go with the flow. And then all of a sudden I realized this is going to kill me. Like I cannot have three infants in the house and not have a schedule. [00:12:50] So I borrowed a ton of learned behavior from the blues in my life of, Okay, I've got to get organized. I've got to keep a schedule for each of them. I need to know when each of them is going to the bathroom, so when the doctor says, when's the last time they had a bowel movement? I'm not like I have no idea. 

 

So I absolutely think it's possible to borrow what you need from different temperaments and to learn and to grow. You know, Jesus was the best of all four of the temperaments. And so we don't usually master them like that on this earth. Maybe in heaven we will. But I definitely think there's an ability to grow and evolve. And hopefully, we're borrowing more of the strengths than the weaknesses.

 

Laura Dugger: I think those stories are so helpful for clarification. So can you think of any stories or examples to illustrate children's different temperaments?

 

Jenny Boyett: Well, yeah, I was going to share the story when I said I had thought my daughter Addie was going to be red-yellow. [00:13:51] Because she very much was around people and was popular, loved meeting new people and all of that. So really up until she got her permit, I was like, She's red-yellow, because I thought the red can be very organized as well. So that was what she was pulling from.

 

When I realized that safety was by far the most pressing concern for her when she got her permit, it was clear to me that the yellow piece of her, what I was assuming to be yellow, was some of the common similarities between the yellow and the red and that she was really blue. Because she was like, "You want me to drive this car on the road? That is not safe." And it just struck me.

 

Then as I started looking at her and hearing more of the things that were on her heart or why she chose to do certain things, it was less about the yellow attention and it was more about the red control. [00:14:52] Or some of the compassion that the yellow and the blue share, hers was coming more from the blue side than the yellow side. So that was really helpful to me.

 

And it like clicked. When I realized that, I'm like, Oh, my gosh, so much makes sense. Because she's red-blue and not red-yellow, that why her sister, who is her identical twin, who is a green-yellow, they are the total opposites. It helps explain some of their frustration with each other. So I think the secondary does come into play very much so.

 

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Laura Dugger: What is your wisdom for parenting children of each temperament?

 

Jenny Boyett: Well, I'm still learning this, right? So we'll just all learn together. But what I would say is being a student of your child first and foremost and really learning what they need. I'm sure Kathleen talked about each of those innate needs and what it is and trying to figure out practical things that you can do to fill those needs every day. 

 

Honestly, when you need to apologize and you mess up, apologize, because I do that all the time. Children give us grace all the time, especially when they see us trying. 

 

So I would say that for my red children, one of the things that was really helpful to me that I learned was to give them as much control over their world as you can. So, if you just have one child in their red, you can allow them to decide what they're going to wear for the day or decide when they want to do their chores. That's been super helpful, giving my red the ability to decide. [00:18:02] 

 

If you have a red and then you have younger children, even having the red be helpful with the younger children. You know, hey, could you help Jimmy get his lunch packed? And where they can feel that they have some authority and that they have some control over their domain is really important.

 

For my yellow children, and I'm yellow, so that's most natural I can identify with what they're feeling, is really trying to make things fun. So when we're doing homework and it's a struggle, get out all the different color markers and let them write with different color markers and learn the, you know, Presidents of the United States based on different things or turning things into games. Anything, whether it's chores or homework that you can try to make more fun and appealing will definitely help you parent.

 

Even sometimes when I am frustrated with my yellow and she's not listening, even instead of being harsh, saying something like, "Oh, you silly, you know, it's time to get ready for dinner. Come on," you know, that would be the piece that's most helpful to them because they do not like to have rules or feel that things are not fun. [00:19:20] 

 

The green, I have learned that my greens do not like anything that is considered work. They very much like to be low-key and go with the flow. And so if there's ways that I can point them to doing something without saying work. 

 

For example, my daughter Riley, when I would just say, "Hey, you know, you have a tendency to procrastinate. But remember last time when we studied and we did flashcards and you felt so confident and it didn't stress you out to like cram for your test the night before." Reminding her of what went well to get her to preplan and to not use the word work has been really, really helpful. 

 

As far as for my daughter that has blue in her, I would say to just really almost validate the concern, especially in the time that we're in right now with the pandemic and working from home and school from home and different things like that, validating her concerns and not just minimizing them because me as a yellow mom, I just want to be like, "Oh, it's fine. You can move on. Don't worry about it," I think really makes her feel invalid and in some of her concerns. [00:20:35] 

 

I think validating her concern for cleanliness and safety and health. But also encouraging her that it's going to be okay and we can go and do some things out in public, and we don't just have to stay in the house has been a way to connect with her and validate her and motivate her as well. So those are just some basic tips.

 

Laura Dugger: Yes, that may be helpful for people now starting to identify what's worked with their own children. Even going back for each of the colors, it would just be a helpful reminder because you touched on a few of these. What are some of the innate needs of each color?

 

Jenny Boyett: So the yellow is all about attention and approval and acceptance and affection. That's very much people-focused. 

 

Then our color, which are reds, there's innate needs are loyalty, sense of control, appreciation, credit for work. [00:21:37] 

 

And then our blues are melancholies, they need safety, sensitivity, support and space and silence. 

 

And then our phlegmatics are greens. They need harmony, feeling of worth, lack of stress and respect.

 

Laura Dugger: And so knowing that sometimes children, maybe especially like toddlers, will show up with more of the weaknesses of their color rather than the strengths, I would love to go back through some of those examples you gave. So let's think about a red child and you said they need a sense of control. So what wisdom would you share if you have a red child and you say, "Okay, honey, you get to choose either you get to do your chores now before lunch or you can eat first and then do your chores." What if they give a different option?

 

Jenny Boyett: I mean, I think it really just depends on if that option is okay with you. [00:22:39] I think the reds are constantly trying to think through what is the most efficient, effective way. And what I've heard Kathleen say for a lot of times is the reds usually have thought it through first.

 

So what I had to do when I was learning some of this early on is realize even though my 10-year-old is red, sometimes when I suggest a way to do something or I'm trying to give her control to do something, she actually has come up with a better plan. And just because I'm the parent, it doesn't mean I can't allow her and be like, "Oh, that's a good idea. Okay, I'm good with that." And me not feel like, Oh, she just controlled me or I just was pushed over. 

 

I think there are levels where you can absolutely defer to, Okay, yeah, let's go with the third option. But then there's also times that they need to be a good red. They also need to learn to be under authority. And so there's had to be times that I've had to go back and go, "I realize that that makes sense to you. However, I would like it to go this way. So do you want to do option one or option two?" [00:23:43] 

 

And so I think they've then just had to... she's just had to kind of lean in and realize, Okay, I'm given enough space to exercise my authority and control when I'm given. But I'm also under that authority. And so now I have to lean into mom and follow what she wants done first.

 

Laura Dugger: I love it. I think you gave a both/and which is always wisdom. Because it's both probably sometimes allowing them to choose that way, but then also not allowing for the defiance. And there are certain times, like you said, they need to come under authority.

 

Jenny Boyett: Yep, exactly.

 

Laura Dugger: Let me try and think of an example for a yellow, maybe more so like with children that are disobeying in these temperaments. Let's say a yellow, you're having a hard time getting them to sit at the table. How would you handle that?

 

Jenny Boyett: One of the things that I've loved learning is the phrase, tell me more. [00:24:43] Obviously, depending on the age of the kids, it will determine how much they can articulate, you know, tell me more, what's going on. But really, what Kathleen's taught me is to try to get to the heart of the behavior of like not just the behavior, but why they're doing the behavior.

 

This was a perfect example. This was a few years ago. My yellow daughter was just that. Now she was still like 13 years old, but was so distracted, would not sit at the table, was doing a bunch of stuff. And I'm like, "Hey, McKenna, I need you just to sit down and engage with us." You know, we like to go around the table and "What's your high for the day and low for the day?" And she just was distracted and not paying attention. 

 

What I found out was that she was in a fight with her friends and they were going back and forth via text. So she was super distracted and wanted to be able to kind of finish that conversation. 

 

So when you understand a little bit more of what's going on behind it, it helps you know kind of how to discipline or how to parent. [00:25:46] And so what I said is, you know, being a fellow yellow, if you will, I knew that that was going to weigh heavy on her mind and that she wasn't going to be able to engage in our conversation until she had at least put a period on that conversation. So giving her five minutes to go and have that to then engage with us at the table was really what she needed. 

 

However, when they're little or like that, again, it very well may be a conversation of, Okay, what are you wanting to do and why are you wanting to do it? And, you know, how can we meet in the middle to sit down right now? And what need is filled? 

 

Maybe it's really motivating them by, Hey, we do highs and lows. You get to go first tonight. Like, can you sit down and then let's pay attention to everybody else? So I think really trying to find the why, what's causing the distraction or the hyperactivity would be really important to then kind of know how to guide them. [00:26:39] 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh, that's good. Let's move to our greens. You mentioned a lot of people are doing virtual learning right now. And so let's just speak to the parents who are really trying to motivate their green to finish their schoolwork and they're having challenges. How would you recommend they handle that situation?

 

Jenny Boyett: Oh, yes, that's us right now. My green daughter. So this was something we did yesterday. We literally just started school on Monday and there were a lot of tears. They're juniors in high school so the social aspect is missing. Even the setup of our house isn't super ideal because the way that they have to use their school computers, they don't have earphones. So they all have to be very separated in order to do that. 

 

But my green is fine just to sit in her bed and do that. You know, and I realize that isn't working for her. Like, she just can't focus. We moved a desk into her room and we went out and got some stuff and set it up. [00:27:40] She literally said last night, "I feel so much more prepared to be able to engage in virtual learning tomorrow. Thank you for helping set this up." 

 

And what I realized is providing some structure for my green to set her up for the best success is going to just help her be able to be successful. I also think giving her space. I mean, we're on online learning from 8:20 to 3:30. And so last night, really motivating her by giving her space and time with some friends from five to nine was what she needed to be able to just get out of the house and to be outside. 

 

So for my red-blue daughter, that isn't as important. She isn't missing that social interaction quite as much. So I think knowing what motivated my green, one, her not feeling alone. I think her knowing that I was there to support her and set her up for her desk and her school was really important. We even got her a little planner and she felt excited about that. [00:28:41] And then just having that freedom to be with friends last night really was filling up her cup. And so that was super helpful for her.

 

Laura Dugger: That helps us brainstorm ways to support our green because it seems they do appreciate the accountability, even if they're controlling by this procrastination or choosing to dig in their heels or be stubborn, that it sounds like she even came back and was able to circle back and say, thank you.

 

Jenny Boyett: Yes. She really wants to be successful. It's just sometimes I think they're so indecisive that they need a little push to go, "You know what? I don't think sitting in your bed and trying to doing this is going to be good. Let's try this," and leave room for maybe she'll come back and say, "No, I don't like that as much" and I'll find her on her computer in her bed. But right now I think she feels like she had support and was able to have lack of stress because I kind of engaged with her and helped set it up. So, yeah, absolutely. [00:29:43] 

 

Laura Dugger: Finally, our blues. I'll give you two different scenarios to see which one resonates. So for the littler kids, it seems like blues are more likely to be our whiners or as they get older, those blues with the deep emotions, maybe if they're really struggling with forgiveness because of their high standards for themselves and others. How would you encourage us to parent through those scenarios?

 

Jenny Boyett: Oh, goodness. I mean, the blues are super hard on themselves, so they don't need you to be much harder on them. I have found trying to help them get out of their head and to focus on their strengths and what went well has been really important. Even as little kids I think we can do that and focus on, "What went well here and what did we learn from that? And then what are we going to do different next time?" so they have a plan. [00:30:42] Because our blues are all about wanting a plan. 

 

And then being able to motivate them to is just being super sensitive and identifying and validating what they're feeling. I think our blues want us to understand where they're coming from, even if we don't agree. They want to know that we understand and can empathize with their position. That's what I have found to be helpful in me connecting with my daughter that has blue and also supporting her so she feels loved and affirmed.

 

Laura Dugger: One of our filters in making decisions at The Savvy Sauce is generosity. We want to offer you more than we ever ask of you, so we don't expect you to participate in all these ways, but we do want to ask you to follow through with at least one of these options. 

 

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We hope you choose at least one of these options to follow through on today. Thank you for being our friends and our listeners. We would not be here without you. 

 

As we think of the unique interactions between the two colors represented in every parent-child relationship, what encouragement do you want to share for that?

 

Jenny Boyett: I mean, I put all of this up on my fridge just so I can remind myself what each child needs and how to engage in this and how to not do this. It does feel overwhelming at times, but I think the main piece that I try to focus on is, what is one thing that I can do to fill each of them up with one of their needs each day? 

 

It can even be little things like my yellow, if I just will come around the corner and scare her, she'll think that's fun. And that kind of fills that for the day, right? So there are unique interactions. 

 

And there are some that are a little bit harder. [00:33:43] It's a little bit easier for me to connect with my yellow because I am a yellow, right? Whereas for me to connect with my red-blue daughter, even though I have some red in me, the blue is so foreign to me that it can be opposite and it can be hard. 

 

And so when you're thinking of some of those opposite relationships... Let's take the blue-yellow, for example. I'm a yellow mom, and so I like to have fun and get all in her business and all that. But giving her space and... when I fold her laundry for her and the way she likes it is like I'm singing her love language, you know? 

 

But on the opposite side, I'm sure we have some blue moms listening, and they have a yellow child. And that blue mom out there that likes things organized and planned, I mean, maybe you surprise your yellow child with letting them make a mess or you being the one to start it. 

 

One of my friends is a blue mom, and they did plateless spaghetti, which is something that we've done in my family. As a yellow, that's not a big deal at all. [00:34:43] You just get a plastic tablecloth, and your kids don't expect you to let there be a mess. And when you use no plates and throw the spaghetti down and they're just like, what's going on? Mom's lost her mind. Those are things that will actually make a memory for some of those, and your yellow children would just love it. 

 

So I feel like getting out of our own way and our own temperament to engage with them is really helpful. When I think of some red-green combinations, the red mom, sometimes they are not understanding why the green just doesn't want to get out of the house in the morning. Like, "Come on, chop, chop, chop. We got to go. We got to go." And they're constantly hurrying the child to get out of the house. 

 

And to realize that, Gosh, the child doesn't want to rush. You know, the child is really struggling. And so maybe the red mom sets the schedule back 15 minutes just to prepare to intentionally give the green child almost like, "You know what? Let's take five minutes. We don't need to rush today." I mean, that would blow the green child's mind. Like, "What? We're always rushing trying to get different places." [00:35:49] Because the red moms are so proactive and they're trying to accomplish a lot, the green just doesn't want to accomplish a whole lot.

 

In fact, this is a true story. I have a good friend and she's a red mom and she has a green daughter. The red mom wants this child to be a sports person and play sports and be so focused on that, and the child is not interested. The only reason he's interested in baseball is because it's an activity with teammates. 

 

So the mom is there like, you know, wants him to win, wants the team to win and really is only happy if the team won. And what she realized recently as we were talking temperaments was her focused on just the winning actually crushed his spirit because even one of the games that they lost, he felt so connected to the teammates and they went out to dinner afterwards and had such a good time connecting with friends that that was a win for him. [00:36:52] 

 

And when she just minimized it to baseball successful, if you play well and if the team wins, was really opposite to what was going on in his mind. And when that clicked for her, it really changed their relationship and she was able to connect with him more around the friend aspect. That doesn't mean she doesn't want the team to win because she certainly does. But it just helped her not put as much emphasis on that piece of it and to be sensitive to the relationship side that was important to her son.

 

Laura Dugger: That is awesome. I'm wondering for the green-red the other way, do the green parents often feel controlled by their red child or what are some of the other struggles there?

 

Jenny Boyett: I have definitely heard that. Yes, they feel like they're running the roost and that they're in control. So the green parent will almost be really stubborn to try to show their authority to the red child when it's in their weakness.

 

I think having those conversations and really celebrating what the red child can bring to the household, but establishing that they're in authority is crucial. [00:38:03] Because, yes, the red child will try to 100 percent take over that red parent all day long.

 

Laura Dugger: So when the red child is trying to take over the green parent and they're being really disrespectful, that touches on something for the green parent because they need that feeling of respect. So how do you encourage the green parent in that moment?

 

Jenny Boyett: I mean, I think what the green parent can do is really focus in on the red strengths and talk about, "Hey, you are a leader. God made you a leader worth following. Being a good leader is also being under authority. One of my needs is for respect. And when you talk over me or you disrespect me or don't obey me, that's not being a good leader. And God wired you to be a good leader."

 

So I think the reds motivating them by what their strengths are and encouraging them to be in their strengths and understand that even a good leader is still under authority. And what that looks like will go a long way to motivate the red. [00:39:12] 

 

Because I'm a yellow parent, but I have a very strong 10-year-old red daughter, and I have to do that all the time. Instead of being frustrated with her leadership, I want to breathe life into that, but let her know, "Hey, this is disrespectful. This actually isn't being a good leader. And God designed you to be a good leader. God designed you to be decisive, but this isn't the time that you get to make the decision. This is mommy's decision."

 

So I think just having very clear conversations with our reds helps them understand and know what their boundaries are and puts up the guardrails for them to be able to be their best self.

 

Laura Dugger: Oh, Jenny, that is so good. Are there any other lessons as it relates to temperaments and parenting that we haven't covered yet?

 

Jenny Boyett: I feel like the best tip that I ever got from Kathleen was these three little words. And it's "tell me more". That has helped me as a parent so much because it allows me to hear more of the heart behind the story or their complaint or their issue before jumping to a conclusion and trying to fix it, if you will. [00:40:19] 

 

I just encourage every parent, I think you can do that even when they're little toddlers, if you can create some margin to be able to ask that question. Because even now, now that I have 16-year-olds and I say, tell me more, and it's 10 o'clock at night, I'm realizing for my yellow that might mean an hour conversation, you know. And so I've got to prepare myself for the hour answer to that question. But I do think it's so important because it really gives you the heart behind what is going on and it'll help guide you in what your next step is.

 

Laura Dugger: And because we love practicality that ideally leads to transformation, what resources do you recommend for further learning related to this topic?

 

Jenny Boyett: Kathleen has a book out, I Said This, You Heard That. It's a workbook. There's like 15 videos. There's some Ask Kathleen videos that are all on the YouTube channel. So if they just go to the ISaidYouHear.Study or look up I Said This, You Heard That on YouTube, you would be able to find all of that information. [00:41:24] 

 

And then I love following along on social media as well with Facebook and Instagram because there's also tips and posts that come up that we can all learn from each other, you know, practical tips on, Oh, yes, how do I motivate my green today in this season? So I encourage them to look that all up.

 

Laura Dugger: Wonderful. Her resource is so incredible. We'll actually plan to give one away on social media this week as well. Jenny, where can listeners follow up with you online?

 

Jenny Boyett: In my role at North Point, I am part of our resource team. And so if they have a direct message and want to get it to me and go to the I Said This, You Heard That Facebook or Instagram direct message, they'll get it to me. So I would be happy to engage with anyone that had a question or wanted to follow up.

 

Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We, as always, will link to that in our show notes and our resources tab of the website so people can follow up and find that information easily. [00:42:25] But we are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight and we want to know how to apply some beneficial best practices from your life. So as my final question for you today, what is your Savvy Sauce?

 

Jenny Boyett: I would boil it down to find a good counselor or mentor. I feel like I have become a better version of myself by being in counseling and learning about myself, but then also having mentors and coaches that I can bounce things off of. And that's one of the reasons I love your podcast, because we can become the best versions of ourselves by learning this information.

 

But to me, having someone to talk it through with, like a good counselor or coach or mentor, is the practical application to actually putting it into practice. So find a good coach or mentor would be my savvy sauce ingredient. [00:43:27] 

 

Laura Dugger: Oh, my goodness, that is so good. Well said. And thank you for those kind words. We have mutual friends and I've always heard just the most wonderful things about you for years and it was all confirmed in getting to chat with you today. You're so vibrant and skilled in your communication and vocation. So thank you so very much for being my guest today.

 

Jenny Boyett: Oh, thank you. I know. Vice versa. I'm like, next time you're in town, we've got to meet face-to-face because I've heard such great things about you and love what you're doing with your podcast. And I'm happy to be a part of it.

 

Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners and God is perfect and holy, so He cannot be in the presence of sin. Therefore, we're separated from Him. [00:44:26] 

 

This means there's absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute.

 

This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. 

 

We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved. [00:45:28] 

 

So would you pray with me now? Heavenly, Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change their lives now for eternity. In Jesus name, we pray, amen. 

 

If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him, you get the opportunity to live your life for Him. 

 

At this podcast, we are called Savvy for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you're ready to get started?

 

First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision my parents took me to Barnes and Noble to get the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. Start by reading the book of John. [00:46:27] 

 

Get connected locally, which basically means just tell someone who is part of the church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. 

 

We want to celebrate with you too. So feel free to leave a comment for us if you made a decision for Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. 

 

Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today. 

 

If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.