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258. Pursuing Creative Endeavors While Mothering with Liz Bell Young
Matthew 13:52 "Therefore every scribe who has become a disciple of the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household, who brings out of his treasure things that are new and fresh and things that are old and familiar."
**Transcription Below**
Questions and Topics We Cover:
- Will you tell us about your journey to becoming the creator of Haven magazine, which was distributed by Anthropologie and also how you were selected to be a contributor to the Magnolia Journal?
- What have you learned about wisely overlapping mothering and pursuing dreams?
- How does writing and sharing stories help us to take good care of one another?
Liz Bell Young is a writer, experience designer and collaborator in the Midwest. Her work appears in Magnolia Journal on the shelves, Artifact Uprising and Darling on the sites, Procter & Gamble in the studios, and Woman Camp in the woods.
A grad of The School of the Art Institute of Chicago + University of Cincinnati, LBY takes a multidisciplinary approach to her work and home. Favorite pairings: words on index cards, words next to rolling film, words covering real paper inside real books. She also adores rocks, oyster shells, the smell of hay and gasoline, old Austrian boots, coffee in small cups. But above all: her life with Ryan and their children.
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Midwest Food Bank
Other Episodes on The Savvy Sauce Related to Hospitality, Mothering, and Pursuing Creative Endeavors:
1 Finding Your Purpose as a Mom with Courtney DeFeo
9 Self-Care in Motherhood with Karen Stubbs
13 Managing Family, Career, and Health with Leslie Neslage
15 The Supernatural Power Present While Gathering at the Table with Devi Titus
43 Joys and Challenges of Motherhood with Podcaster and Author, April Hoss
46 Encouragement and Inspiration for your Motherhood Journey with Anjuli Paschall
75 Responding to God’s Stirring with Elizabeth Pehrson, Founder of The Exchange
168 Experiencing Joy, Connection, and Nourishment at the Table with Abby Turner
178 Fresh Take on Hospitality with Jaime Farrell
202 Simple Ways to Connect with Our Kids And Enjoy Breaks with Beth Rosenbleeth (Days with Grey)
223 Journey and Learnings as Former Second Lady of the United States with Karen Pence
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:09)
Laura Dugger: (0:10 - 1:24)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
Thank you to an anonymous donor to Midwest Food Bank who paid the sponsorship fee in hopes of spreading awareness.
Learn more about this amazing nonprofit organization at MidwestFoodBank.org.
Liz Bell Young is my kind guest for today. She is an artist and an extremely gifted writer, and I just love the title of her book, Let There Be Havens: An Invitation to Gentle Hospitality.
So, she's going to share stories and offer practical tips for fostering creativity. She's going to talk about attuning to the Holy Spirit in our lives so that we can take good care of one another. And she also offers out-of-the-box ideas for genuine hospitality that creates a haven to offer others.
Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Liz.
Liz Bell Young: (1:25 - 1:28)
Thank you, Laura. It is really good to be here with you.
Laura Dugger: (1:29 - 1:48)
Well, I would love to just begin here because early on in your book, there was a line that grabbed me when you wrote, “I was raised to show love for others through action, not just in theory.” So, will you start there and elaborate and share more about that?
Liz Bell Young: (1:49 - 3:56)
Sure, sure. I have this little part in the book. It's titled; My Dad Gave It Away.
And so, I'll just tell that little story because I think it's pretty representative of how things ended up playing out. But I got home from school one day and my dollhouse was not at home anymore. It was gone.
And I just stood in front of it and, you know, I was so sad. Where's my dollhouse? One of my dad's co-workers had had a horrible house fire.
And so, during the day, my dad had picked a few things from the house that he thought would bless this family, who also had a little girl. And I, as soon as I understood what had happened, you know, I felt I was very okay with that. I was, I grieved my dollhouse, but I thought, you know, when you, when you have something to give to someone who has just lost, you know, they lost really everything that it is, it's so important to do.
And so, my, my dad and my mom were very, very love and action people. You know, probably even more than we talked about it. It was just a lot of, you know, somebody has low air in their tires and my dad's filling it up.
Somebody needs counsel and they take the time to give it. My mom had a friend who was blind. And so, we would spend time like organizing her, her clothing closets and her dishes just so that she could get through.
She was an attorney, but just help her like get through her day a little bit more easy. So, they were very aware of people's needs. And we learned that sometimes like that was at cost to us, you know, giving away something that we actually still could have used or taking the time to go and, you know, paint someone's house when really we wished that we could have gone to the amusement park, you know, things like that.
That, that was their love and action, you know it really affected all of us, I think in a big way. I have three sisters.
Laura Dugger: (3:56 - 4:40)
So, I love that because it's the same setup for our family. We have four daughters. And so that was your book.
But I think that example that you gave just reminds me of scripture. I was reminded of recently from 1 John 3:18, that just says, “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth.” So, it's apparent that you were raised in really good soil with parents who lived and shared this way of life, and they shared the good news of Jesus with you.
But when and how did you make your faith your own and choose to personally follow Christ?
Liz Bell Young: (4:41 - 6:02)
Oh, so if I had to pinpoint a time, I would say it was like a summer camp. I think I was 11 or 12. You know, that often happens, I think, like when you're removed from your environment.
I was just at night standing next to a lake with a counselor and I just, I'd already, I already knew God. I had always sort of felt His voice and presence and whispers. And I also felt familiar with, you know, the enemy's voice.
And I was very aware, you know, I think when you're a really sensitive child sometimes, which I was, you can kind of feel the weight of the spiritual realm. And so, you know, it was a very gradual, I think, thing turning fully to the Lord. But that I do remember that moment at camp where I just was like, I want this always, I want the fullness of this.
And I want to just completely, I just felt so completely in love with Jesus. And I was just like, very, like, lean forward, eager, you know, for that. So, but of course, you know, it's, it's a, it's a process.
There was, there were highs and valleys and all over the place along the way, but that's kind of where it took off.
Laura Dugger: (6:03 - 6:34)
That is really helpful. Even thinking of sensitive children, maybe that resonates with some of us as parents, you've kind of put language around what we may be experiencing. But then just going back further into your story, you're a graduate of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago.
And I'd love to hear some more about the lessons you learned there. So, what are just a couple of stories that stand out from that season of life that ended up shaping you?
Liz Bell Young: (6:35 - 8:51)
Oh, I, it was a really formative time. I actually just, I did my undergrad in social work. And so this was actually graduate school, because I'd always wanted to be a writer or an artist of some sort.
And so finally, after, you know, I took some time off in between undergrad and graduate school, got back and went to the Art Institute. And one of the, the huge moments for me, it's funny for other people, it would have been like just a nothing moment. But we were, I was in a drawing class, we were doing large format charcoal.
And I'm working on a portrait, and I was working like really tediously on the nose. And my professor came up behind me and said, it's a really pretty nose. Is that what you see?
And I looked at it, and I realized I'm drawing from what I've been told a nose should look like from what I've seen from it's, she's like, I think as a writer, because, you know, I was just taking art classes, but primarily there's writers, she's like, I think as a writer, you understand that, like, you don't want to fall into cliche, but what you're doing here is, is a cliche. And so, what you haven't done is you haven't put any of the reality in it, there were no twists and turns, no shadow, barely any. And it looked pretty and commercial.
But it was not, I had not learned like the transparency of an artist yet. I'm starting to learn it with writing, but I had not learned it with a visual. And I often think about that, because, you know, as a creative, or even as a as a mother, as you know, whatever you do, I think it's very easy to just fall into the routine of what you think is the most acceptable, or what you think it's supposed to be like, or look like.
And getting, getting to that, like honest transparency, whether as a creative, or, you know, whatever you're doing, I think is so freeing, but it really took someone to point out where I was like, where I was not free.
Laura Dugger: (8:52 - 9:21)
Wow, that's so helpful. Art just unlocks all kinds of things within us. So that's a really helpful example.
And this next question, I guess, kind of comes from two angles. So first, was creativity encouraged in the home you grew up in? And then also now, as a mother, how have you cultivated an atmosphere in your home, where all of the family members are free to create?
Liz Bell Young: (9:24 - 11:22)
Yes, we, and I don't want to paint an idyllic childhood, because we certainly had hard points in all of this. But my mom was an art teacher, and my dad is a very, like, inventive engineer type person. So, and yet, they're very organized and orderly people.
So it was sort of this funny contrast of like, free spirit mixed with like, responsibility, you know. And so, we were allowed to sit on the counter and make up a cake recipe while my mom was making dinner, big art pieces on the driveway, we could make spontaneous choices to put up a fort under the kitchen table. So, there was a lot of like, creative flexibility in the house.
And then at the end of the day, we had to clean up like it wasn't, it wasn't like a without regulation or without responsibility to take care of the things that you own. And so I think that's what I've tried to, you know, give to our children is just like, this spirit of invent things, try things, mix things together. We did homeschool for a little bit, turns out I wasn't a great homeschool teacher.
It was very difficult for me. I thought it would be fun, but I just wanted to, you know, do art and play all day. So, I kind of missed the other stuff.
But you know, but during that time, like, you know, getting to make maps on the driveway and put rocks and sticks in places, like all of that was like, really taken from my childhood and like, you know, what I wanted to give to give our kids and still recognize like those, those boundaries of like, you know, then when we're working or, you know, I'm working in the house, like I need you to be quiet. So again, and like, not like the free for all, but still a lot of free.
Laura Dugger: (11:23 - 12:06)
Well, and it makes me think of one of your quotes on page 104. I just thought this was really helpful because everybody were made in the creator's image. So, there is some creativity in each of us, but you said in the design process, it does wonders to make a physical mood board.
I realized maybe I was struggling because I had only made word lists and digital mock-ups. What I actually needed was to make the process physical. So then when I read that, my question for you, Liz, is how can we actually make that creative process physical and help our children to do the same?
Liz Bell Young: (12:08 - 14:27)
Yeah. Well, I, I, I really do love physicality. I think I, I got to the point where I was working so much that I just kind of got stuck on this screen a little bit too often.
So the, what I was talking about in the book is when we were did like designing and building a house that we're now in. And I was really, you know, it was just so much it was, yeah, it was pretty bound to screens and spreadsheets and lists, like trying to like get it all organized. And I just felt like I couldn't it wasn't cohesive.
I couldn't feel it. I had to experience it. And so that's just when I, you know, began to make it physical.
And I think it's important, like you know, a lot of just, if you just think about the design world or interior design, a lot of people will do this. It's like, you know, you put your piece of tile next to the piece of carpet next to the, which I think is wonderful. But then what I recognize is if it's, if it stops there, it's, that's actually not representative of what it's going to be like.
And so, what we need to have is like the parts of our lives that that is getting added to. And so, putting in like, I mean, I just started adding in the stuff that's like always around our house. Lots of paper, of course, because I just love paper, kids homework, you know, little clay pots, the things that we that we bring to it.
So, it didn't feel like a sterile environment. So that, that was that whole like physicality and live into something. And it was literally just out, you know, on a table.
Unfortunately, it was our kitchen table. And I kept it out for way too long. So, we had to eat around it.
But yeah, I think that that's really helpful, especially for children, too. I don't, this isn't quite the parallel, but I was thinking like, you know, a lot like when you have teenagers, like I have a son who plays basketball, we, we have the best conversations when we're playing basketball together. And so just like being physical, like while we're in conversation versus just this, like, I'm trying to talk to you about this, you know, that's been really helpful for us parenting teens.
Laura Dugger: (14:28 - 16:26)
Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor. Midwest Food Bank exists to provide industry leading food relief to those in need while feeding them spiritually. They are a food charity with a desire to demonstrate God's love by providing help to those in need.
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The remaining 1% of income is used for fundraising, cost of leadership, oversight, and other administrative expenses. Donations, volunteers, and prayers are always appreciated for Midwest Food Bank. To learn more, visit midwestfoodbank.org or listen to episode 83 of The Savvy Sauce, where the founder, David Kieser, shares miracles of God that he's witnessed through this nonprofit organization. I hope you check them out today.
Even back to just a small thing that also came into mind. I loved how you said physically you would bring nature into your home for designing.
And if you didn't have access to a flower, you would grab something green in the backyard. And it just had never occurred to me that I could do that and just grab some leaves or a branch. And you even have pictures of that beautiful example in your book.
Liz Bell Young: (16:27 - 16:39)
Oh, yes. I love cutting branches off trees and bringing them inside, mostly because I forget to plant flowers. And so, like, I don't, you know, I could buy them, but I love branches inside.
Laura Dugger: (16:40 - 17:03)
Such a creative idea. But you've gone on to have some pretty remarkable experiences in your career. So, will you tell us about your journey to becoming the creator of Haven Magazine, which was distributed by Anthropologie, and then also how you were selected to be a contributor to the Magnolia Journal?
Liz Bell Young: (17:05 - 20:59)
Oh, sure. At some point, either I read it or somebody taught me this, I can't remember, about, like, making something that you want to make before you're asked to make it. And so, as a young writer, you know, I didn't have a portfolio.
I didn't have anything impressive. I'm trying to just, like, get into something with a pub, just something published, you know, that's not just, you know, me stapling a book together. And it was, you know, it was very difficult.
I mean, trying to get into travel or food writing, you know, anything, and it's just, like, rejection, rejection. And so, I just decided then, well, I have to make it. I have to figure out a way to create it myself.
And I had talented friends who were also trying to, you know, get published or get their photography out or art, whatever it was. And so, just getting that group of people together with this vision for what I wanted Haven Magazine to be, and then just doing the work ahead of time. Nobody asked for it.
Nobody wanted it. And found somebody who believed in the vision for it, who would, like, donate paper at cost. You know, so, like, we found some things to make it, like, a lighter financial lift, for sure.
And that was the beginning. So, that, and then I forget. My husband uses a word for this that I, it's not like, I don't know, grit or gumption.
I, like, I love challenge. I love trying to get something that feels nearly impossible, and any side door, just trying, trying, trying. And so, that's how, like, getting into anthropology did take a long time.
I can't even think about, maybe two years, a year and a half. And when I finally got the first one that I made through the door, and I had somebody looking at it who, you know, had clout, had the ability to make decisions, their feedback to me was, you're on to something really beautiful here, but I think that you're actually not following, like, I think you're trying, it was, again, like, the nose in art school. I was making something that I thought, okay, this is what people want right now, except it was a little bit more about, kind of, wanderlust, and travel, and that sort of thing.
And the woman on the phone was like, I think your heart is actually really about home. And so, are you afraid to take it there? And she said, you need to also just get better.
Like, I needed to, as a publication, like, I had to tighten things that, like, it wasn't, it wasn't on par with something that they would sell. And so, I did those two things. I was like, okay, well, then we have to do it again.
This one was at higher cost, you know, didn't get the donated paper this time. And my husband and I were just like, let's just do it. It feels like it's a good direction.
And so, the second one is the one that Anthropology distributed. And I'm very thankful that they pushed me as hard as they did, because a lot of times, you're just experimenting and trying something, and you have to go through these refining processes. You have to be humble enough to be like, okay, I recognize, you're right, that's not good enough for your shelf.
And it wasn't even like she challenged me, it wasn't where it was like trying to go, you know, or she didn't say this, but maybe it's that probably wasn't going in the direction that my heart and where God was pushing me wanted it to go. So, being willing to, you know, change direction a little bit with it and, and work hard to get after it. So, that was that part.
Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (21:00 - 21:24)
Yes. And before you share about Magnolia Journal, just to comment on that, I think as believers, that probably deeply resonates with all of us that we all are so eagerly anticipating coming home, like with a capital H to having, and so even displaying that in your magazine. I love that she pushed you as well, but then yes, continue with the rest of the journey.
Liz Bell Young: (21:26 - 23:49)
Okay. So, then I worked at a church for about 11 years, and that was a huge process of just getting, just getting more, just getting better as a writer. You know, I had done a school, but I needed practice and, and worked with a lot of designers.
So, I was getting this kind of multidisciplinary background built up. So, helping with set design, helping with video, so kind of, you know, the fullness of storytelling. But of course, primarily, I still, writing was my number one love.
And then I, after 11 years working for this church, I just, I was finished. I knew I was finished and I had been freelancing a lot on the side. So, I've always loved to be kind of in different places, not just all, you know, kind of in one spot.
And just decided to go for it and just go full freelance. And I was really nervous, very, very nervous because I, I loved, I really amazing creatives that I was working at, really great spiritual leaders. And so, to walk away from that and just think like, am I just going to be by myself?
Like trying to, you know, meld into other teams, whoever, whoever my clients are. So, it was like, I was nervous, but I also felt like it was the right time to do it. And then very soon after that, an editor from Magnolia reached out.
They just happened to be looking for someone to write a story about camping. And I had been a big part of creating a camping experience for the church I was working for. And like, because I had been in anthropology where some of the people from Magnolia now worked.
So, there, you know, again, it was just like relationship stuff that put my work in front of a person who didn't know me. And then, you know, they had a topic that they thought, well, who do we have who knows about, you know, writing about the outdoors and camping? Oh, I heard that there's this woman in Ohio, right?
So, that's, they, and then they just asked me to write a story. And I wrote that one and then just kept writing. So, it's been years now.
Laura Dugger: (23:50 - 25:00)
I love that. So, fun to hear the backstory. But in the midst of building your career, you and your husband, Ryan, also have raised three children.
And again, I just want to quote you. So, on page 56, you write, “I knew I could not be a singularly focused person. I have no desire to be a solitary novelist. I want to be right in the middle of all my people, heart full and available, hands designing books, but also packing lunches. So, on some days I worked and some mornings I wrote. Then on other days, Ryan and I would drive our kids to a farm and pick blueberries and eat cider doughnuts.”
And I just love that. It was so relatable, especially to fellow moms who maybe are also squeezing in their own side career or creative endeavor while also raising children. And so, my question from your story is this, what have you learned about wisely overlapping, mothering, and pursuing dreams?
Liz Bell Young: (25:02 - 28:40)
I don't, well, oh my goodness. This, it was true trial and error, and I still am making errors. But I think that, you know, it's hard.
It's definitely hard because there's a lot of just internal struggle in that, right? Like, I have this artist passion and heart. And so, I want to be, to, you know, work in that space.
And I don't want my kids to feel like I'm choosing that over them. And I know that it's also very good for them to be a part of that, to see it come to fruition. I think I learned a little bit by taking it too far, maybe a lot bit by taking it too far.
And I don't know how to necessarily avoid that. I think, I didn't know what too far was for me. I was getting sort of more and more sleep deprived without quite recognizing that I was starting to, like, sacrifice my health.
I was starting to, you know, get kind of that dizzy vertigo stuff that can happen with stress, but you don't know it's stress. Or I didn't. I just thought, okay, I'm tired.
I need a break. But it was hard. It was hard to stop.
I just wanted to fit everything in. So, I think I took it too far and then I recognized, okay, this is what too far feels like. And so, now, I have to be way better to protect my health, my, our marriage, just to make, you know, just, like, we wanted time for that.
I was, like, you know, books aren't more important than Ryan. And so, I used to do things, like, whenever the client wanted a meeting, I would just take it. Now, what I've learned is, like, I will not overpack things.
I will make sure that it works for our schedule. And just putting, that was a big one for me. Because I'd be, like, super sweaty trying to take a Zoom call while I'm at a park with three, you know, like, it doesn't work.
Or it didn't work for me. And so, I had to learn, like, don't, like, I would set myself up for failure a little bit. And so, just reining that in and kind of having better boundaries about that.
Still getting the sleep I needed. But I create best in the morning. And so, saying, like, okay, for this season, I will get up really early in the because I want this a lot.
And then I want to be able to have breakfast with my kids. And so, I just, you know, made that adjustment. So, yeah.
I guess that's the trial and error piece. But I do think if you, like, I also have friends who have not, who have put it all aside. And so, then that's very hard.
I think sometimes, especially when their kids are all in school or, you know, like, they're empty nesters or whatever. And then, like, you haven't had, you haven't had the chance to be, like, practicing in that and exploring that. And so, then there's this sort of loss and grief felt.
So, I think it's good even if it's just, like, dabbling in it. If that's a part of who you are, and creativity, or it doesn't just have to be creativity, of course. Whatever it is, if you can at least maybe just dabble, I think it's really good.
Laura Dugger: (28:41 - 29:05)
I think that's helpful. That's a message of freedom that gives us permission. And that it's not selfish to do that.
It can actually be really wise stewardship. I'm curious, too, what have your children said? Have they given any feedback or appreciation even of seeing you pursue your dreams and be all in with the family?
Liz Bell Young: (29:06 - 29:55)
Oh, that's a good question. I didn't used to really bring them into what I was doing and why I was doing it. I don't know why I didn't earlier.
I have since, like, now they're also, like, older and can comprehend more of it now. I've since kind of just brought them more into, this is what I'm doing, and this is why I care about writing this story. This is why this book matters to me, or why I'm helping someone else with their project.
And that has been better. I would include them, like, sometimes they would help me make stuff, or sell stuff, or deliver things. So, they were a part of that piece of it, but not, like, the sort of the heart and mind piece of it.
Laura Dugger: (29:56 - 30:03)
That's helpful. So, you brought them in where possible. I wonder if any of them will, even in some ways, follow in your footsteps.
Liz Bell Young: (30:05 - 30:29)
Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. I don't know.
I think it's, well, it's just fun to watch them. I know you, you know, with your girls, you probably feel the same way. And trying not to, like, over shape them, but just, like, create the space for them to try the things that they, you know, that they feel the direction that it's toward.
Laura Dugger: (30:29 - 32:27)
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Thank you so much for being willing to be generous with your time and share. We appreciate you. Well, I just want to draw one other point, too, that you talk about in your book.
When you talk about a woman with a pen, and that deeply resonated with me. And I see the power of a person with a pen because the written word is clearly such a gift, obviously, with God preserving the Bible for us. But in the Bible, the person with a pen can be described as a scribe.
And it makes me think of this scripture from Matthew 13:52, where Jesus says, “Therefore, every scribe who has become a disciple of the kingdom of heaven is like the head of the household who brings out of his treasure things that are new and fresh and things that are old and familiar.” So, that's where my mind goes when I read your beautiful words, Liz. But I want to hear your unique take on this.
So, how does writing and sharing stories help us to even take good care of one another?
Liz Bell Young: (32:29 - 35:10)
I love that scripture that you just read, too. I think that when you decide to write that way, because I even talk about it in my journey as a writer, I wasn't always doing that. I could feel, I sort of had this melancholic spirit at times, especially in my 20s.
And I felt like I was actually pushing into places that I didn't want to be. And so, I thought, why am I bringing a reader there? Or writing in a way that I think stories can also be so sort of self-focused or insulated into that they're actually not offering generous space for the reader.
So, I think about that a lot. I think about how stories can take care of people. I mean, they're just like little portals or doorways into connection, whether it's because somebody relates to a thing that happened.
Like sometimes I think it can be that specific, but sometimes it's just, that's exactly how I felt. And I didn't know how to articulate it. I have this story that felt so big to me, but really small.
I didn't even know if I should put it in the book, but it was just about breaking a carton of eggs when I was babysitting and the shame that the parents walked in and saw the eggs all over the floor. And it was just horrible for me. Really small thing that happened that could seem really trivial to one person.
But then what it really was just about was shame and then grace for yourself and believing that you, you know, what, believing in your worth. And so that's where the story ends. It's real short.
It's like a page. Well, all my stories are short, I think. But I shared that story for some reason has been the one that most people have come back and said, I needed that story.
They didn't break a carton of eggs, but they knew that, that sense, that depth of shame. And so that's where I think stories can take care of people and then taking it to a place of hope and forgiveness and leaving enough white space, even metaphorically, for someone to enter into that story is something that I think about for taking care of someone.
Laura Dugger: (35:11 - 36:02)
That's so good. And it makes me think at our church on Wednesday nights, I'm in the room with second through fifth grade girls and our theme verse two verses from Psalm 78 verses four and seven, just talking about sharing stories with the next generation and ultimately about God's power and his righteous deeds. But I think that is such a way to take care of the next generation.
Stories are powerful. We see that in Jesus. And I was so blessed by all of your stories.
So again, your book is entitled, Let There Be Havens: An Invitation to Gentle Hospitality. So, let's kind of shift gears. And will you explain and define what a haven is and just hear a little bit more about hospitality and creating havens?
Liz Bell Young: (36:03 - 38:13)
Oh, sure. It kind of took me a minute to figure this out because I had a sense of what I wanted and thought that a haven and taking care of people was. And the way I describe it in the book is that it's people who shelter us, places that hold us and experiences that lift us up.
So, when I think about hospitality and taking care of people and just being like a little cove for someone, maybe it's so temporary because it's just, you know, passing on the street and it's something that you can do, or maybe it's something more permanent, you know, like the relationship you have with your children. And I think of it as like gentle and grounding. So, it's not over the top or forced or rigid, or it's not putting myself in the spotlight.
I think a lot of times hospitality and the pressures that come with it are because we've been sort of accumulating this message that it's a performance. And so, I think that gentle hospitality or havens is when you're just creating spaces for people, whether it's physical or emotional, and they feel easy in that space. They feel safe.
They feel like the grounding part is just, you know, it's a step outside the wild waters or the chaos of other things that are happening. It gives a chance to catch your breath, feel cheered for, loved by someone. And so that's what I see a haven as.
And the picture that I have in my mind, which I took a picture out in California that I put in the book, and it's just this rocky coast, but it just has that swoop of a cove, and the waters are quieter there. And I mean, you know, 10 feet away, it's not quiet, but just right there, there's a pause. It's a safe, easy place.
And so that's what I think of for haven.
Laura Dugger: (38:15 - 38:21)
And what are a few practical ways that you've created havens in your own life?
Liz Bell Young: (38:26 - 40:53)
I've always, well, I did want to open a little hotel when I was little. So, I always loved thinking about like overnight spaces for people. So, we really, that's, that is a very, that's sort of the obvious, I think, kind of in my mind of like, what is like creating a literal space?
We've had to do it on couches and in a van, like we haven't always had a guest room. Right now we do. But just like being resourceful and trying to think of like, what's a way to make someone feel like really taken care of in this space?
Like bring a lamp and a coffee maker, even if it's on a couch, give them a stack of books that you think that they would love and that sort of thing. So that's, that would be a haven in my mind. I think, and I learned this in social work actually, but where you like when you're with someone, okay, this is a little bit more of sort of being an emotional, but physical presence haven is like, I try not to top someone else's emotions.
So, like if they're really upset or they're grieving, instead of just like meeting them or even like going above it, like just to be more like just with them and hang out like a little bit under that. Like, again, it's not, it's not about you. It's about the company, you know, that you keep with someone.
So just being next to someone, holding onto their arm when they're grieving. I, and I've had great examples of this, but like you can tell someone awkward or alone and you just go and you just go next to them. You don't draw attention to it.
You just become present. Holding the doors for people. This is a big thing for my parents.
Like, oh, we always must hold doors for people. And the part that I, that then someone, another mentor taught me was just to like delight in people's presence. So, when somebody does come in, whether you know them or not, whether it's a child or your husband, but you've already seen him 10 minutes ago, but like still like beaming on, on them because you love that they're there and that they're with you and that they're here, you know, on earth.
And so, I think, you know, beaming is a big one for me, for taking care and showing hospitality. Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (40:54 - 41:08)
That's so good. I love that word. And what are some other tips for ways that all of us can take care of the people in our lives and help them to feel known and cherished and treasured?
Liz Bell Young: (41:08 - 42:51)
Oh, well, I'm sure if I was in your Sunday school class, if I was a second through fifth grade, I would feel exactly this because I think like, um, again, like you're just giving, you're giving those girls like your heart and attention for that 45 minutes or hour. And you know, you're getting, um, you're getting like eye to eye with them. And like you said, sharing stories and just like being concerned with them as children, as people.
And so that I think it's, I don't want to like make it more than it is. I think, I think that's been part of the problem with like the sort of the pressure of like, how can I be like the best caretaker or like the, like a really great hostess. And I think like the very first thing is just the position of your heart and just connecting to someone and they're telling a story and you listen to it instead of just trying to trump their story with your own, you know, or, um, giving someone something that, you know, that they would love, you know, that, that simple.
Um, and so it's just, I guess that's just paying attention, Laura, right? Like just paying attention to people and what would even just give them a moment of reprieve or a moment of joy, a moment of inclusion and trying to like follow, um, I mean, the Holy spirit will nudge the heck out of you, you know, so you can like listening to the Holy spirit and then like listening to people. And I think that that, um, it really brings you into that space of, of genuine and gentle hospitality.
Laura Dugger: (42:52 - 44:11)
Well, in genuine and gentle, those are some great words to describe even how I experience you as a writer. And I'll just share one more of my favorite practical tips that you listed for ways to take care of people, I guess, because I've been a recipient of this and it instantly made me think of my own dear mom, who I adore. And she has just rocked mothering since the baby phase.
And even as we're adults now, I don't know how she does it, but she just loves so well and every season. And so, I thought of her when you said on page 28, a way to show how to take care of others. You write help a friend or sibling with a couple things on their to-do list.
Jump starts are huge gifts. And I just thought, wow, practically like thinking of being a young mother and having my mom come along and give a jump start. Those times, you know, still impact us today.
And what a great example. So, your book is full of ideas like this. And so, if anybody wants to pick up their own copy or continue learning ways that they can also create havens, where would you direct all of us to go after this conversation, Liz?
Liz Bell Young: (44:11 - 44:58)
Oh, well, thanks for asking. I think the book is the best place, partly because I'm pretty quiet on social media. And I just can't find my rhythm there.
But maybe just because I love books so much, but I really try to give everything that I could think of to these specific pages. And so, I mean, you can buy it on Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, you know, all the book places. Magnolia will be selling it, I think, or it might be for sale there right now.
And yeah, that's it. And I have a website, lizbellyoung.com. So, if you want to visit me there too.
Laura Dugger: (44:58 - 45:23)
Wonderful. Yes, we can add that link in the show notes. But that is wonderful.
And congrats. That's so exciting being sold all those places. You may be familiar that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight.
And so, as my final question for you today, Liz, what is your Savvy Sauce?
Liz Bell Young: (45:26 - 46:20)
I think it's calm. I was thinking about how I have learned even because I love to solve problems and try to figure things out. And if I can even do that with a calm spirit, even if I have to work fast and hard, but if I can have that calmness or Megan Fate has a book, Relaxed, which I haven't even read yet, but I'm excited to because I think it's this similar note where, you know, I think it's the way that Jesus like literally lived was just in this relaxed and calm state.
And so that's I've always loved calm and very drawn to it, people who are calm. And I think it's what I try to embody myself.
Laura Dugger: (46:21 - 46:54)
I've gotten to be the recipient of that calm and relaxed posture from you today, but you're also so thoughtful of others and gentle and talented. And I'm leaving this chat so encouraged with the way that you've stepped into your unique design by our creator. And I just pray it inspires all of us to delight ourselves in the Lord and allow him to give us the desires of our hearts.
So, thank you very much, Liz, for being my guest today.
Liz Bell Young: (46:55 - 47:02)
Thank you, Laura. It was great to be with you. It really was.
I'm so glad I got to talk to you. Likewise.
Laura Dugger: (47:03 – 50:46)
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So, would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So, you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 24, 2025
Monday Mar 24, 2025
257. Mother Daughter Relationship During Teen Years and Beyond with Sandra Stanley and Allie Stanley Cooney
"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8a NIV
**Transcription Below**
Sandra Stanley received her Bachelor of Science degree from Georgia Tech and Master of Arts from Dallas Theological Seminary. Sandra has a heart for foster kids and foster families, as she and Andy have been foster parents since 2010. Her ministry passion is promoting foster care in the local church. Much of her time these days is spent working on various writing projects and continuing her involvement with Fostering Together, the foster care initiative of North Point Ministries. Connect with her online:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sandrawstanley
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sandra.w.stanley/
- X: https://twitter.com/sandrawstanley
- Website: https://www.sandrastanley.com/
Allie Stanley Cooney graduated from Auburn University with a degree in Communication. She completed the North Point Residency program and simultaneously earned a Masters of Christian Education degree from Dallas Theological Seminary. With a decade of experience guiding students along their spiritual journeys, Allie is passionate about empowering middle school, high school and college students to embrace a life devoted to following Jesus wholeheartedly. She has a heart for middle school and high school students and can often be spotted at any number of local coffee shops pouring into girls in those seasons of life.
Connect with her on socials:
Questions and Topics We Cover:
- How can understanding the three potential relationship stages help these daughters navigate relationships with friends and with boys?
- When we coach our daughters through developing friendships, what questions do you suggest we ask for clarification and what Scripture do you share for understanding our responsibility within friendships?
- I love how you both emphasize alone time with Jesus. How can we learn and apply this?
Other Episodes Mentioned from The Savvy Sauce:
200 Planting Seeds of Faith in Our Children with Courtney DeFeo
196 Parenting for the Relationship with Sandra Stanley
Related Episodes on The Savvy Sauce:
Intentional Questions to Ask Our Kids with Susan Seay
207 Cultivating Character in Our Children with Cynthia Yanof
212 School Series: Benefits of Homeschooling with Jodi Mockabee
217 Tween/Teen Females: How to Navigate Changes during Puberty with Dr. Jennifer Degler
220 Cultivating Healthy Family Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Leman Property Management Co.
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:08)
Laura Dugger: (0:09 - 1:46)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
Leman Property Management Co. has the apartment you will be able to call home, with over 1,700 apartment units available in Central Illinois. Visit them today at lemanproperties.com or connect with them on Facebook.
I am so excited to get to host these guests, Sandra Stanley and her daughter, Allie Stanley Cooney. They have co-authored this amazing book entitled, Meet Me in the Middle, and throughout it I just loved their sense of humor. I appreciated their witty comments that had me laughing in the middle of their stories, but I also appreciate the practicality this book has to offer.
If you think back, Courtney DeFeo was a previous guest and we discussed the treasured Bible study, which is a great thing for mothers to walk through with their tween daughters, maybe girls of approximately ages 10 to 12, so I'll make sure and link that episode in the show notes, but today's book that we're kind of emphasizing is really good as that next step to highlight perhaps with your junior high or high school daughter. It's a beautiful book because you get really both real perspectives of the mother and the daughter from two drastically different angles, and that's kind of what our conversation is gonna look like today as I get to interview mother-daughter duo, Sandra and Allie. Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Sandra and Allie.
Sandra Stanley: (1:59 - 2:03)
Thank you for having us.
Allie Stanley Cooney:
Thank you for having us. We're excited to be here.
Sandra Stanley:
We really are.
Laura Dugger: (2:04 - 2:13)
Well, I would love for us to just begin with the two of you sharing some of the hardest and sweetest phases that you've walked through in your own mother-daughter relationship.
Sandra Stanley: (2:14 - 4:00)
Okay, well, let's see. Allie, this is funny and this kind of weaves through probably every question, but we are wired very differently from each other, and I am more analytical, efficient, organized, you know, all that. Allie is so creative and just spontaneous, and she is the best content creator and all of that kind of stuff, and I obsess over the details of did I capitalize everything and spell everything, and so while that has been amazing in this project working together because we kind of, you know, can just sort of coach each other along in our strengths, there were some times along the way in when she was growing up that that would just naturally cause some clashes, and that is mostly on me because I have a hard time understanding why efficiency didn't make it to the fruits of the spirit list, and you know, in parenting, efficiency is not the goal. The relationship is the goal, and I would switch those sometimes and err on the side of trying to be efficient, so often when we had those difficult times, it was on me, not her, because of all that kind of stuff, so the sweetest part, though, is she has always inspired me.
Even when she was a kid, she just had a maturity and a desire to have an intimate relationship with the Lord from an early, early age, and I think she just challenged Andy and me both in our just our personal walks with the Lord and authenticity and a bunch of things like that, so it's been a sweet relationship, and we pretty much talk all day long.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (4:00 - 4:34)
Yeah, I was gonna say the sweetest season, I think, is definitely this one because I had a baby girl about two years ago, and I remember holding my baby girl for the first, second, third time, whatever, and just like, I love her so much, I'm so overwhelmed, and then looking at my mom and being like, wait a minute, you've loved me this much this whole time? Like, that's crazy. So I think getting to be a mom and doing this project together and all the things, I think this season has been definitely one of the sweetest for sure.
Laura Dugger: (4:34 - 5:07)
I think that's very encouraging to anybody raising children in their home, but with your book, there were so many topics for mothers and daughters, but I'd love to first focus on this one section that you title, Finding Your People, and it's where you're talking about relationships, especially with friends and with boys, and so Allie, how can understanding the three potential relationship stages help these daughters navigate relationships with friends and with boys?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (5:08 - 7:43)
Yeah, definitely, so how our book is laid out, a little bit of context, my mom wrote the first eight chapters to the moms, and then I wrote the back eight chapters to the girls, and we go through these different topics, and one of the topics, like you said, is friends and boys, so when I was thinking about that chapter, there's some, I feel like when you're in middle school, when you're in high school, friends and boys, that's what you're thinking about, that's what you care about, that's what probably you want to read about if you're gonna have to read something, so I wanted to break this down in a way that it's not natural for, you know, middle schoolers and high schoolers to think about, so we break down the three, the three potential stages, stages, that's what I'm looking for, we break down the three stages and let them know that in each stage of a potential relationship, you're called to love, and so the first stage is just before you enter into this relationship, or before you become really close friends, when you're kind of thinking through, is this something I want, is this something that will be good for you, asking the questions like, does this person make me more like Jesus, is this person a good influence, will this person help my life be better, or will it ultimately make it worse, and what does it look like to navigate that season really well, and then the next season is when you're in the relationship, and how can you love that person well while also honoring yourself and honoring that person, and then the last one I think is my favorite, because I think we forget about it potentially, and obviously a lot of our relationships, my best friend that I met in middle school is still one of my very best friends, but a lot of relationships that you have in middle school and in high school, they tend to go away, so there is a stage that is after the relationship, whether that's a breakup, or you just kind of drift apart, whatever that looks like, and the reminder that we're still called to love, because I know culture especially is like, breakup, you should just say horrible things about them, and trash them, and if anybody's friends with them, then you can't be friends with them, and I think the reality is, no, even when the relationship is over, you're still called to love them, and that doesn't mean you need to be with them, or anything like that, but it does mean being kind about them, being thoughtful, being gentle, even when you're no longer in that relationship, so I think that's something that students don't really think about, once the relationship is over, it's like moving on, yeah, you're not called to anything anymore, so yeah.
Laura Dugger: (7:44 - 8:13)
I love it, and you really highlight the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13, and so even though your lessons there were directed at daughters, there's something for each of us to learn for relationships, and Sandra, I'd love to hear from your side too, when we're coaching our daughters through developing friendships, what questions do you suggest we ask for clarification, and what scripture do you share for understanding our responsibility within friendships?
Sandra Stanley: (8:14 - 10:28)
Yes, great question. Well, and Allie talked about the structure of the book a little bit, you know, that we have eight topics. I write eight to the mom’s. She writes eight to the girls, in the middle is the meet me in the middle section, where they come together, and where they can have these conversations, so that's the time when maybe we are talking about, okay, what is a good friend, you know, what does a good friend look like, what are some characteristics of someone that you want to be friends with, and that you want to see every day, and do life together with, what are those characteristics, what makes a lifelong friend, you know, what's the difference between a short-term friend and a long-term friend, what causes friendships to be short-term, you know, what are the things that can cause one to end, and another big question that we talk about is, do you, and do I, and this all applies to us too, not just to the girls, so when we're doing this meet me in the middle section, and having these conversations, this is a two-way conversation, and I think as moms, it's so important for us to be, you know, authentic, and to dive in and say, yeah, I kind of still struggle with this too, but do I want to become more like this potential friend, that's a big question, is there, you know, is this a person that I want to be like, because scripture is clear in Ephesians 5, “He who walks with the wise becomes wise, and companion of fools suffers harm.” That's an important thing to talk about with our kids. You are going to become more like the people that you spend time with. Another question is: Is this somebody I want to introduce my mom and dad to? I remember there were talking with our middle son years, you know, after college, after he was already married. He said, you know, I always knew, this is not a person for me, if I knew it wasn't someone that I would want to bring home and introduce to you and dad, or to Allie. You know, is this somebody that I want Allie to be friends with for the next bunch of decades, so you know, is this somebody I want to introduce my family to, and so we do take a deep dive into 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, Allie asked the girls to circle the characteristics of love, I asked the moms, hey, play along, circle the characteristics of love, let's talk about what it really looks like to love, and let's talk about what it really looks like to have friends who are lovely, and who we want to spend more time with.
Laura Dugger: (10:29 - 10:58)
There's so much wisdom in that, and then I think one of your secret sauces, just as a family in general, is your practical teaching, and so if we're taking this even further, let's dive in, it's between pages 64 and 65, but there are a few quotes that I'd love for you to unpack, and one of the first ones is, don't trade what you want most for what you want in the moment.
Sandra Stanley: (10:59 - 11:01)
Right, right, do you want to talk about that?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (11:01 - 11:43)
Yeah, so I think it's really easy, especially when you're in middle school and high school, and you want to be popular, and you don't want to be left out, and you might want to have a boyfriend, and the reality is, if you just zoom back a little bit, you know, it's like, okay, what do you ultimately want? You ultimately want a healthy family, you ultimately want things in the future, and unfortunately, in middle school and high school, there are certain decisions that you can make that can ultimately compromise what you ultimately want, and so I think having that wisdom and that forethought of, why don't you even think about what you want? Like, have you ever sat down and thought about what you want in your future?
Let's do that together, and then back it up from there, and then see if you're making decisions that will lead to that.
Sandra Stanley: (11:44 - 12:55)
Yeah, I think so, and the good thing about the book is moms can contextualize some of this to the age of their daughters, so if it's an older daughter, and she's in a relationship where, you know, there's likely to be some struggle with, you know, how far do I go physically, you know, what are my standards going to be, is all that, to relate to all that, this particular quote is such an important thing to talk about.
Don't trade what you want most for what you might want in the moment, and that speaks, you know, really loudly to a physical relationship, and one of the good things about doing this meet-me-in-the-middle-with-a-daughter is you can have these conversations ahead of time, before there's a face, you know, that we're talking about, or a particular boyfriend or friendship. We can have these conversations early, and then when these things come, we can go back and go, hey, remember what we talked about, about don't trade what you want most for what you want in the moment? Let's just, I want you to go on this date, but I want you to remember that, you know, the decisions that you're gonna make now, they're gonna impact what your future is gonna be like, and the story that you're gonna tell, so that was, that was just kind of what we were, had in our minds as we talked about, don't trade what you want most for what you want in the moment.
Laura Dugger: (12:55 - 13:06)
Well, then you follow it up with, don't let your future be negatively influenced by people who won't even be in your future, and I think that kind of...
Allie Stanley Cooney: (13:07 - 13:41)
I remember that clicking when I was in high school. I remember, I was dating a guy, and I was like, no, I don't want to marry him, like, no, like, that'd be crazy. What?
And then I'm like, why am I dating him? Like, yeah, I don't want anything, I don't want my friendships impacted, like, I don't want to push my friendships away because I'm spending more time with him. Like there's so many things other than just physical boundaries, which obviously that's a huge one too.
But even aside from that, people who aren't going to be in your life long-term do have the potential to affect your future. So I think that's a really important one too.
Sandra Stanley: (13:41 - 14:28)
And affect the relationships that you want to carry into your future. Your good friends, you know, the people that you want to spend time with. So that's a really important one, I think.
And these are great conversation topics. You know, even if you write it on a card and hand it to your daughter and say, hey, let's talk about what this looks like. Don't let your future be negatively influenced by people who won't even be in your future.
And this is where the mom in the conversation that they're having in the meet me in the middle section can talk about a relationship that she can remember having that she thought was going to be forever. And it was, you know, seven months of her life. And then it was over.
So having those opportunities to have these conversations with our girls is so important. And these two particular quotes are really important to talk about ahead of time.
Laura Dugger: (14:29 - 14:52)
Certainly. And it just circles back to even Allie, those three things that you were talking about earlier, those three stages, your conclusion in that section is love never fails. And so if we actually are loving in the way the list of first Corinthians 13 love list, then that is hopefully going to set our daughters and us as mothers up for success.
Sandra Stanley: (14:52 - 14:53)
Absolutely.
Laura Dugger: (14:54 - 16:57)
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And Sandra, would you mind just setting the scene, take us back to that day that you walked into your sweet daughter's messy room?
Sandra Stanley: (16:59 - 19:08)
Which time? So, this is so funny, and it goes back to how we're wired so differently. I have a place for everything and everything has its place, and I clean up as I go, and all of that kind of stuff, and my sweet, creative daughter just operates differently.
But that manifests itself in a messy room, which really wasn't okay. And growing up, obviously, we want to teach our children just good habits and being tidy and all the things that are gonna serve them well later. So there was one particular day, she was at school, and I had been in her room doing something and realized, wow, this is kind of off the chart messy.
And so when she gets home, we're gonna have to have a conversation about this whole thing. So fast forward, we get to the afternoon, Allie's upstairs, and I know she's up there in her room, so this will be a good time. And I wasn't always the best at picking my approach or my timing, but I did work on it.
So by the time she was in high school, I think I was better maybe at that. She might not think so. But anyway, so anyway, so I walk in her room and I look, and she's sitting on the floor, just furiously typing.
And she goes, mom, before I can even say anything, mom, my girls are going into high school, I'm getting ready to leave to go to college, and there's just some things I need them to know. So I'm writing Allie's rules for high school. And she said, let me read them to you.
So she starts reading this list. And with every single one, my heart just started, I mean, I just started melting into the messy floor with her because I thought this is so much more important. If I were to describe the bullseye on the target in parenting, it would have nothing to do with the clean room.
It would have everything to do with the character of her heart. And as she was writing and reading me these rules, I thought this is Allie's heart on display. And it just kind of was a life changing moment for me.
And then I asked her if I could put it on my blog. I was actively blogging at the time. And she's like, sure, nobody will see it.
So you can put it on your blog.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (19:09 - 19:09)
Cute little blog.
Sandra Stanley: (19:09 - 19:37)
And as it turned out, it went viral and was all over the place and radio shows in the mornings and all that. On the first day of school, back to school in Fulton County in Atlanta, there was the Burt Show, I think it's still show, Burt Show, a radio show, drive time show. And he was reading them, reading them off.
And everybody in his studio was all commenting on each one of them. So as all of Fulton County is driving to school, Allie's rules for high school were being read to them.
Laura Dugger: (19:38 - 19:45)
Wow. I mean, I guess knowing the list, it doesn't surprise me that it would go viral.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (19:46 - 19:48)
And I- Surprised me, for sure, yeah.
Laura Dugger: (19:49 - 19:59)
Well, I envision mothers and daughters even listening to this conversation together. I do wonder if my daughters would love to pause and go back and say, remember, mark of good parenting is not a clean room.
Sandra Stanley: (20:00 - 20:03)
So- Right, they're gonna bookmark that statement, yeah.
Laura Dugger: (20:04 - 20:10)
I was guilty of that too, growing up. But Allie, would you be willing to share some of those rules with us?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (20:10 - 21:44)
Yeah, no, I'd love to. Well, I will say, so I was going into high school as the small group girls that I was leading. No, no, sorry, I was going into college while the small group girls I was leading were going into high school.
And there was just a lot of things I wanted them to know and to remember and things we had talked about and things that maybe I had learned the hard way or watched my friends learn the hard way. So I will say, hearing them go, like I didn't write them for everybody to hear them. You didn't write them for a universal audience.
No, I think I would have written them differently, but it's sweet now and I'm glad. So I'll just read a couple. I won't do all of them because there's 20 in the book.
But one, surround yourself with people who build you up, not with people who tear you down. Have an accountability partner and be willing to tell her everything. Emphasis on her.
Yep, be so, so, so, so, so, so careful about who you date. This one's my favorite. I don't know why, I just, I really, this one hits home.
If you're wondering if you should break up with him, break up with him. That's the one I learned the hard way. Yep.
Pray, pray, pray. Don't ever forget how much you need God. Have a quiet time.
It may seem like a hassle, but it will help you stay close to God. Be nice to your parents. They love you and want what's best for you.
So if you disagree with them, just remember that they're a lot smarter than you. Sorry about that. Never be afraid to say no.
When you fall on your face, get back up. There's a bunch more, but the last one is one of my favorites and it's selfies are for faces. That sounds like a good one.
Sandra Stanley: (21:44 - 21:49)
That was such an insightful one just for girls to hear. Silly. You know, you do a face, a face.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (21:49 - 21:52)
I mean, it was mostly like an inside joke.
Sandra Stanley: (21:52 - 22:03)
So there were several that were inside jokes for them, which didn't make fun and didn't make a lot of sense on the radio to drive time in Fulton County, but they made it all funny and fun.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (22:03 - 22:05)
So that's a couple of them.
Laura Dugger: (22:05 - 22:17)
I actually thought that was one of my favorites as well. It was put in a succinct way. And at that time, you were just a few years ahead of them.
And so hearing that from you lands differently than hearing that from mom.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (22:18 - 22:18)
Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (22:19 - 22:35)
But Allie, you're kind of explaining, it was one of those decisions, if you reverse back a little bit, can you share, you write that it was one of the best decisions to grow your faith. And it's something pretty replicable that I'm hoping others will grasp onto as well.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (22:35 - 23:12)
No, and that was, if I'm remembering correctly, what I wrote in there, there's a couple of things, but deciding to be a middle school small group leader when I was in high school was probably the best decision I made for my faith because it caused me to take it really seriously. It made me realize, oh, the decisions I make aren't just going to affect me, it's actually now gonna affect these girls. I remember having a moment where I realized, okay, I don't wanna make any decision where I'm gonna be tempted to lie to these girls about it.
Cause you know, middle school girls, they asked me everything.
Sandra Stanley: (23:13 - 23:13)
No boundaries.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (23:13 - 23:46)
And they were all in my business. And so realizing like, okay, I don't wanna make a decision where if they ask me, which they will, I don't want to be tempted to lie to them. So what did those decisions look like?
What would I be proud to tell them? And ultimately what decisions do I want them to make when they're in high school? So it not only drew me a lot closer to Jesus, cause they also would ask me theological questions and like faith questions.
And I was like, I don't know, let me dive in. But also it was a really cool accountability that I really loved having in high school.
Sandra Stanley: (23:47 - 24:21)
This is really one of the things that we've done for a long time in our church. And that is allow our high school students to partner with an adult to lead these small groups. And it just has, it has impacted all three of our kids in their faith journey.
And again, to Allie's point, a big part of it is accountability. Like, oh my goodness, I don't want my girls or my guys to, I don't wanna do something that's gonna cause me to either have to lie or that would be disappointing to them. And so I think it was a, I think it's a great part of the program, yeah.
But so volunteering, always huge.
Laura Dugger: (24:22 - 24:32)
Agreed. And to get our students into ministry where they get to experience leadership early on, I think that's so profoundly impactful for faith.
Sandra Stanley: (24:32 - 24:33)
That's exactly right, yes.
Laura Dugger: (24:34 - 24:59)
Well, and something else that both of you emphasize, which I especially appreciated, was spending alone time with Jesus. And Allie, you were saying that we have to incorporate foundational beliefs and practices into our lives, specifically through two steps, learning and applying. So, will you elaborate on both of those parts?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (25:00 - 26:11)
Yeah, so I, yeah, I mean, that's how we grow our faith. We can't have a faith if we don't know anything, and then we can't really have a faith if we're not putting what we know into practice. So, the learning really just looks like reading your Bible.
You know, it looks like it's those really obvious, quote unquote, steps. If you go to church, you've listened to the message and you take in the information about Jesus and about scripture and about God and about who you are and about who people are, and that's you’re learning. You have to learn, you have to take in the information.
And then the second one is when you put it into practice, you know, you actually live out what scripture says, you live out what you're learning in church, you love the people around you well, you root yourself and establish yourself in the love of Jesus and who he says you are, and you walk in your identity. So, it's so multifaceted and there's a lot to it, but ultimately, if you can break it down and tell the girls, hey, we learn, and then we take what we learn and we do it, and that's how you grow your faith. And even when it gets hard, you keep going.
And even when people push back, you keep doing it, you keep learning, and you keep applying. And ultimately, that's how your faith grows.
Sandra Stanley: (26:12 - 26:20)
And that is how a Jesus follower consistently follows Jesus. So, it's such an important thing. Yeah, absolutely.
Laura Dugger: (26:21 - 26:52)
Well, and even one example of that, you first of all say, keep continually putting truth in front of you, but then you go a step further and you say, well, even before that, spend a little bit of time thinking about the best way to keep truth in front of you. And you challenge readers to consider the routines and rhythms of their normal day and see where they can put important truths in. So, do either of you have an example of how you do that in your own life?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (26:53 - 27:54)
Yeah, and it's looked really different throughout my life. And I think I wanna give permission to these girls that it's okay if it looks different than somebody else, because we learn and we feel close to our heavenly father in different ways than everybody else and in different seasons of life. So, I remember when I was in middle school, I had a devotional, and it was very story-based.
It was like made up stories, but it had something to learn at the end of it. It had a moral and it was always Jesus-centered, and it was always about simple things like generosity and gratitude. And reading stories for me was how I connected with God.
And then as I got older, I started reading scripture for myself and I'm a huge journaler. So now my time looks a lot like reading scripture and journaling and then journaling some more and then reading scripture. And that's kind of where I find my time with the Lord.
Yeah, but it's definitely changed over time.
Sandra Stanley: (27:54 - 31:31)
I would say that mine has changed in different seasons of life too. When you're single and you've got lots of flexibility and time, it really looked one way for me. It was morning and it was longer and all of that.
In the parenting seasons, it looked different throughout that journey when the little ones, I would try to get up before them and try to get my quiet time in, but it really did. It ebbed and flowed in the amount of time I was able to spend and all of that. In this season, I have more time.
And for me, it's always been better in the morning. I know some people are better at night and that's fine. For me, it's been morning, and I just have to have my space, my particular place that I go with all my quiet time materials there.
And when I'm there, it just, the distractions are minimal. And that’s because that's just my place to be alone with my heavenly father. I've got a little spot to pray and a spot to sit and read and study.
And so that's what it looks like for me. I am so often asked by moms; do we make our kids have a quiet time? Do I make my middle school son or my middle school daughter or high school daughter have a quiet time?
And I always say, no, you don't need to make them do it. But I suggest three things. You model it, you encourage it, and you make it easy.
You model it, you encourage it and make it easy. So, I, my kids saw me and Andy having quiet times their whole childhood. And again, it looked different, different seasons, but they knew that we both spent time in the word and in prayer.
And that just modeled it for them. So, it was something that they just grew up kind of assuming is a given, which is a good thing, but you can also encourage it. And that's one of the things that we did was we just helped them as they got older, figure out what does this look like for you?
You know, what kind of, are you a morning person? Are you an evening person? Is this gonna be, you know, just helping them figure out best times and best practices and all that for their personality and temperaments.
And then making it easy. We always made sure our kids had age-appropriate Bibles in every season, starting when they couldn't even read little picture Bibles that were their own. We wanted them to have their own Bible and never remember a time that they didn't have their own.
And so we just made sure that, you know, different seasons of their lives, they had age appropriate Bibles. And one of the things that I did, and this is just a kind of a, maybe a little fun thing, their Easter baskets every year, while, you know, it always had some chocolate bunnies, you know, and all the normal Easter basket things, I always made sure that there were quiet time tools in their Easter basket that were age appropriate and, you know, proclivity appropriate based on what they liked. And, you know, one of our sons was a reader, one wasn't so much a reader, but if it was about an athlete and the athlete's testimony, they would both read that.
So, I would put all kinds of different things for Allie, journaling stuff, pens, colored pencils, just anything that I thought would encourage their journey in a quiet time. That was my big time to do that. And then of course, other times of the year, we would add some things, but model it, encourage it, make it easy.
And that's the best way to set your kids up to maybe make this as a habit. And even when they don't, nagging isn't gonna help, so don't nag, you know, don't nag under the guise of I'm just reminding them, but model it, encourage it in the appropriate ways and then make it easy.
Laura Dugger: (31:31 - 31:48)
And I even thought there was additional practical wisdom that you shared within that section, just encouraging the mamas, guard your time. And how do you see that intentionality tying over into our time with the Lord?
Sandra Stanley: (31:48 - 34:00)
Definitely it ties over. I think, you know, as we think about motherhood and Allie is experiencing this now, there's a whole other layer of busyness that gets added to your life. It's almost like the things on your calendar double.
And then as they get older, it's even more and more intense as they get older, because everybody, you know, has jobs. So, in this season with these moms of middle school and high school girls, they might be having their first little jobs or and your other kids also. So anyway, it's just a busy season and our time is limited.
So, we always say, Andy and I say this all the time to parents, your time is limited. So, you've got to limit what you do with your time. And when you make it a priority to have that time alone with your heavenly father, that's one of your biggest yeses.
And then they're just going to be some no's in different seasons. I call them categorical no's in different seasons of parenting. When the kids were little, I had all these categories of things that are just a no for now.
This might be a yes for later. It's a no for now. So, things like I'm doing now, like writing projects or speaking, or, you know, just stuff like that were no's when my kids were young, because those are so time consuming.
And so those were no for now, but not forever categories of things. So, I would say to moms and to daughters, you know, your time is limited. So, you've got to limit it.
And so, you know, pay attention to what the most important things are. And I would say, go so far as to say calendar those things, put those things on your calendar and treat them like appointments. Because typically the mom is the calendar keeper for the whole family.
And what we put on our calendars, what we actually do. And so I've always used my calendar that way to make sure that the most important things are on the calendar, even little things like call my grandmother, you know, back during those seasons, because I would get busy and, you know, two weeks would go by and, you know, I knew my time with her was limited. So just even little things like that I've always calendared.
And I think our quiet time may be something we need to calendar and give it a time slot. And, you know, for me, again, I'm the efficiency person. So that just works for me.
That doesn't necessarily mean that's for everybody, but it works for me.
Laura Dugger: (34:00 - 34:23)
I think that's so good, Sandra. Thank you for sharing. And the two of you wrote about a couple really helpful words in a different section that was titled Family is Forever.
So, can you speak to the roles that gentleness and gratitude play in creating an enjoyable family culture? Yes.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (34:23 - 34:31)
Yeah, well, I feel like a lot of girls feel like they don't have a lot of control within their family dynamics.
Sandra Stanley: (34:31 - 34:34)
So, this was the topic on family in the book.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (34:34 - 36:07)
So, you don't choose your family. You're not choosing what you're having for dinner. You're not choosing your curfew or your classes.
A lot of times in that season, it can feel like there's no control. And so, I wanted to give the girls a couple things that, hey, you do have a choice in these and you do control these as far as it depends on you. And so those things were appreciation, forgiveness, and gentleness.
So, appreciation, you can choose to appreciate your family. You can choose to appreciate your mom. You can choose to say thank you to the people around you for what they do.
Forgiveness, you choose to forgive. And then gentleness. This came a lot from my relationship with my brothers specifically.
How is the youngest of three? Of the youngest, I have two older brothers, and they were mean. Not gentle.
They were mean. And so, learning like, hey, they want you to respond in aggression. They want you to get angry.
That's kind of- They want a reaction. They want a reaction from you. And so responding in gentleness is actually how you deescalate the situation.
And I think that those things, it kind of gives girls like, oh, I'm not totally helpless. I'm not totally out of control. I can actually choose these things and I can choose to do them or not.
And I can see how it positively affects the family or if I choose not to do them, how it negatively affects the family. And we all have ownership in the family culture and vibes and feelings. And so, I think that helps the girls kind of have a grasp on something in their family.
Laura Dugger: (36:08 - 38:01)
That's so good. And even, not that either one is more important for the other, but I really was thinking that sets children apart if they are grateful. And that sets parents apart if they are gentle and both are obviously encouraged in the Bible.
So I just thought that was incredible how you drew that out.
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I'll make sure and link to that episode in the show notes. That was about parenting, even starting with younger age children, which was wonderful. But Allie, this is my first time getting to meet you.
So, I'll share with you too. Your dad was actually my first pastor after I became a believer. So, I remember him preaching a series on better decisions, fewer regrets.
And he would challenge us to ask ourselves a question. I think I'm getting this right. In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances and my future hopes and dreams, what's the wise thing to do?
And so, as we're nearing the close of our conversation, would you like to share, after absorbing all this information from the conversation and from your book, now what? What is the wise thing to do?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (38:01 - 39:57)
Yeah, so our last chapter is on decision-making because I do think all of it kind of points to the decisions and we point back to Philippians 4, where Paul is saying, now put it into practice. Everything you've learned, everything you've seen, all of these things, it's time to put it into practice. And so, pointing these girls and pointing these moms to stop in a moment and ask themselves exactly what you just said.
Okay, in spite of my past and my present and my future, what is the wise thing to do? What is the thing that will lead to healthier relationships? What is the thing that will lead to less regret in the future?
And I think it's even just a choice to stop and just ask that, because a lot of times we just go, go, go. We don't have time to stop to really think through anything, but the idea of, okay, before we make a decision, let's actually stop and ask ourselves, what is the wise thing to do? And it's not always gonna be popular.
It's not always gonna be easy. And sometimes you might be the only one doing it, but I know in my experience, and even when I was in high school, I went to public school, so I was surrounded by a lot of people who weren't making the wisest decisions and they were my friends and realizing, okay, I'm gonna, even though it's not popular, even though they might laugh at me, even though this might not go well for me, I know what I want my future to look like and therefore I'm gonna do the right thing. I'm gonna say no, or I'm gonna say yes, or I'm gonna do whatever I know the right thing to do is and just trust that it's gonna be okay and trust that my close friends will stick by me and my family will stick by me and they'll be proud of me. And so I think it's hard to do in the moment, but if you have that filter and if you stop and ask, then I think it's really, really great for you and your future.
Sandra Stanley: (39:58 - 41:46)
And for moms and daughters to have this question in their back pocket as these things roll out, as hard decisions come along, it's just really important to ask what is the wise thing to do? And I think an approach for parenting in general, but especially for these moms of middle and high school girls, an approach and part of a conversation is, hey, Allie, I love you so much. And my goal is for you to get to the end of these middle school years or the end of these high school years with as few regrets as possible.
So, we're gonna get in the habit of asking this question, what is the wise thing for me to do? What is the wise thing for me to do in this situation? And the second question we talk about in that decision-making chapter is what story do I wanna tell?
When all of this is said and done, when this decision, even this one decision, when this is over and I'm on the other side of it, what is the story that I will want to tell? I think I'm gonna make that decision based on that. So those two questions, what is the wise thing to do and what story am I gonna wanna tell?
Those are big, big conversation pieces for moms and daughters to have and for moms and kids in general and dads and families to have, what's the wise thing to do and what story do you wanna tell? Because we wanna get them to a place where they have as few regrets as possible and God can certainly use our regrets, He can use our stuff. We're not gonna be perfect.
We are not gonna always get it right and we're not always gonna make the wise decision. And I think us being honest and chatting with our kids about decisions we didn't make that were the right ones that we might carry a little bit of baggage around on at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way, we can have those conversations with our kids and let them know, hey, I'm not perfect and I'm not expecting you to be perfect but let's get in the habit of asking these questions because they will cause us to have fewer regrets on the other side.
Laura Dugger: (41:47 - 41:53)
So, good and it really puts you on the same team which you are when you're having these conversations.
Sandra Stanley: (41:53 - 42:18)
And sometimes your kids don't feel that. They don't feel like we're on their team. They feel like we aren't because we don't want them to have fun or we don't want them to have freedom or whatever.
And it really does. These conversations do emphasize, hey, I am on your team and I am only saying no to this because I am so for you. And I think these conversations set us up for that.
Laura Dugger: (42:19 - 42:27)
Well, you've shared some wise questions. Would you also be willing to share the prayer that Allie, I believe you prayed through high school?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (42:28 - 42:36)
Yes, the prayer is give me the wisdom to know what's right and the courage to do what's right, even when it's hard and even when I have to do it by myself.
Sandra Stanley: (42:36 - 43:23)
We started praying that for our kids before they even knew what we were saying. When they were toddlers, we were praying this prayer with them. And as they got older, that's when we tacked on the end, even if I'm the only one, even if I'm doing it by myself.
Because as you get older and you get into middle school and high school, sometimes you feel like you're the only one. And we celebrated like crazy when we caught our kids making a hard decision and especially if they were the only one. So, when we saw them making wise decisions, we didn't always catch it, but if we did, we wanted them to know this is to be celebrated because what's rewarded is repeated.
And we wanted to reward our kids for making those tough decisions. And I think Allie carried that on with her all the way through, so.
Laura Dugger: (43:24 - 43:36)
Love that so much. And really, it's such a joy to learn from both of you. Can you tell us where to go after this conversation where we can continue learning from the wisdom of each of you?
Sandra Stanley: (43:36 - 43:56)
Thank you. Yeah, the book is anywhere that you buy books, you know, on Amazon, all of the different places where you buy books. My website, sandrastanley.com has lots of links. Instagram, Allie Kay Cooney, yeah. So we're talking about it a lot these days, just in the season of talking about maybe in the middle.
Laura Dugger: (43:57 - 44:13)
Love it. Well, you may know that I have one final question for you because we are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so as my final question for each one of you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Sandra Stanley: (44:14 - 45:04)
You go. Okay, I'll start first. I think, Laura, it really is my calendar dictates my life.
But again, that's kind of a personality thing. But for me, if I don't get it on my calendar, it may or may not get done. So for me to put the biggest, most important things on my calendar, it just makes life more smooth for me.
So, I use my calendar for everything. There was a season where I even calendared exercise because it was a crazy season. I thought if I don't put it on here, I'm not gonna do it.
I have a rhythm with that now, so it's a little bit easier. But even things like making sure I'm checking in with my mom and dad, because they are in there getting to their late eighties and, you know, just little reminders of things that are most important that I don't wanna miss, that are easy to miss when I get busy, I just use my calendar for everything.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (45:05 - 45:51)
Yeah, I think, I don't know if this is exactly what you mean, but recently, I wanna be off my phone more because it's just everyone's addicted to their phone. So, I got this thing called a brick, and I saw it on Instagram, ironically. But you can tap your phone onto it, and it basically shuts down any app other than whatever apps you want.
And the whole thing is you're turning your phone back into a tool and not a distraction. And it's pretty much changed my life. Because I'll sleep with it on brick, and then so I can't wake up and just like be on my phone.
So, then I have to like intentionally undo it to go on Instagram or do whatever. And then I just keep it bricked. And so, I'm not just scrolling, and it's been really, really helpful.
Laura Dugger: (45:52 - 46:21)
I love it, those are so wonderful. And God has just blessed both of you with so many gifts, but I'm seeing so much wisdom, so much beauty in both of you, but your generosity to share because you have a unique family situation and are very well known. And yet you just are giving of yourselves through the time here, through the knowledge and wisdom that you shared in your book.
So, I want to say thank you for a thousand things, but thank you for being my guest today.
Sandra Stanley: (46:21 - 46:26)
Thank you for having us. We really appreciate it. This was very fun.
Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (46:27 - 49:41)
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 17, 2025
Monday Mar 17, 2025
Special Patreon Re-Release: Stories about Faith, Family, and Leading a Generous Business with John Wieland
**Transcription Below**
Matthew 7:13-14 (NIV) "“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
Questions and Topics We Discuss:
- Are there any personal stories that set your life on a different trajectory?
- Most business people do not have an experience like yours where they go from losing hundreds of thousands of dollars to becoming hugely profitable. Will you share your business journey with us?
- How has God taught you to grow in generosity and how can we learn to do the same?
John Wieland purchased a small, virtually bankrupt company in 1994. Under his leadership, MH Equipment has gone from having three branches and 50 employees to having over 900 employees and over 30 branches. Wieland is also the president of the His First Foundation, a non-profit that receives 10 percent of MH’s profits. He teaches college graduates how to handle money responsibly, is a speaker and will guest preach from time to time. He and his wife Julie have four children: Jessica, Jennifer, Jamie and Josiah. They also have one granddaughter: Saylor.
Thank You to Our Sponsors: Chick-fil-A East Peoria and The Savvy Sauce Charities (and donate online here)
Other Recommended Business Leadership Episodes on The Savvy Sauce:
12 How to Apply Successful Business Principles to Your Life with Dee Ann Turner
127 Generational Differences in the Workplace with Haydn Shaw
132 Pursuing Your God-Given Dream with Francie Hinrichsen
193 Biblical Principles as Wise Business Practices with Steve Robinson
198 Divine Productivity with Matt Perman
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:08)
Laura Dugger: (0:09 - 1:46)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
I'm grateful for today's sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria.
Check them out online to place your order for dining or catering, or to fill out an application to join their friendly team. Visit Chick-fil-A East Peoria.
If you've been with us long, you know this podcast is only one piece of our nonprofit, which is the Savvy Sauce Charities.
Don't miss out on our other resources. We have questions and content to inspire you to have your own practical chats for intentional living. And I also hope you don't miss out on the opportunity to financially support us through your tax-deductible donations.
All this information can be found on our recently updated website, TheSavvySauce.com. And now I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons. I am on site at MH Equipment to interview their CEO, John Wieland.
John is an inspiringly generous leader, and he recently published his first book, entitled Uncommon Thread, Weaving a Life Through Family, Business, and Faith. And we're going to cover each one of those topics now. Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, John.
John Wieland: (1:47 - 1:49)
Thank you very much, Laura. I look forward to this.
Laura Dugger: (1:50 - 2:02)
I'm very excited about this chat as well. And we're going to go back a little bit as we begin. So, will you just first start us off with sharing how you came to a saving faith in Jesus Christ?
John Wieland: (2:03 - 3:49)
Yeah. Growing up, I was a decent guy, very narcissistic. When I got to college, I started to realize I was missing something.
And a guy told me to start reading the Bible, and he suggested reading the book of Matthew. And so, I was feeling pretty good until I got to the Sermon on the Mount, which is Matthew 5 through 7. And in Matthew 7, it says, “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”
I was like, hold it. Many and few. Well, we still went to church, so I thought I was still in the club. A few verses later, they throw another bomb.
And Jesus says, “Hey, not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord, shall enter the kingdom of heaven. On that day, many will say to me, Lord, Lord, do we not prophesy your name? Cast out demons in your name and do many mighty works in your name. And then I will declare to them, I never knew you. Depart from me, you evil doers.” In about a span of eight verses, I realized I was on the outside looking in.
And as I got further into the gospel, I realized that my sin has to be dealt with. And that Jesus is one that dealt it for me. And so that became a follower of Jesus when I was a sophomore in college.
Laura Dugger: (3:49 - 4:01)
Wow. Thank you for sharing that testimony. And are there any other personal stories that you want to share that kind of illustrate how it set your life on a different trajectory?
John Wieland: (4:02 - 7:17)
Yeah. Growing up, I really had a blessed environment. Mom and dad was great.
But I will share with you a moment in time when I was a senior in high school. And like I said, I was pretty narcissistic. I was dating a lady in my class and it wasn't long before she got pregnant.
I didn't think either one of us were at this stage where we should get married, let alone have a child. The idea of having a baby and giving it to one of the millions of couples who are crying out everyday for a baby to love didn't even enter my mind at that time because life was just about me. What was the most convenient for me at that time?
So we decided to have the abortion. My memory of that was that I paid for the abortion. When I talked to the lady about this book and asked her if she was okay with it, she had different memories.
She was very nice about it. But this was her memory. She said, I remember you telling me you had plans for college and that we were too young.
I remember being at the abortion clinic, sitting on a beanbag chair, waiting for them to call my name. I remember the pain of the procedure. I remember sitting in the recliner after the procedure, feeling numb, feeling cold, feeling empty.
I remember looking around wondering what I had done and wondering if I would go to hell for taking this soul's life. I remember seeing you for the first time afterwards and feeling sad. I remember you going off to college that fall.
There's not a month that goes by that I don't wonder what my child would have looked like, what my child would have become. I count my child as one of my own, my oldest. I had a ceremony for my child's death.
I pray for my child's soul. Significantly different memories, wouldn't you say? It was 12 years later that I met with a doctor and he's telling me that it's going to be very hard for me and my wife to conceive.
The irony did not pass me by. The only biological child that I was ever going to have, I aborted. I kind of felt like I was getting what I deserved.
The thing I learned is this. God is rich in mercy. He gave us four three-day-old babies to adopt.
It has been just an incredible journey to experience his mercy and grace. That has probably defined me probably as much as anything.
Laura Dugger: (7:17 - 7:57)
Thank you for being willing to share such a personal story. I'm wondering for the people listening where that lands, if someone has made a similar choice and they've never received the forgiveness from Jesus. They've never been able to forgive themselves, but like you say, He is rich in mercy.
I think it's interesting how you even bring that up because just yesterday in church during our Sunday school hour, that was what our pastor was highlighting. How God doesn't say he's rich in other things in the Bible, but he is rich in mercy.
John Wieland: (7:58 - 8:48)
A side note, just a couple of weeks ago, my daughter had a friend about 30 years old. She was single. She was dating someone.
She got pregnant. She didn't want to get married. She really didn't know if she wanted to have the baby, and she was thinking about taking the easy way out.
In God's sovereignty, she started to read the book that my daughter gave her that I wrote. After she read the chapter of four adoptions and one abortion, she decided, I'm not taking the easy way out. I'm going to have this child.
That makes being vulnerable and transparent to a broken world worth everything.
Laura Dugger: (8:50 - 9:10)
Yes, absolutely. You have no idea whose life and even a baby's life that may be saved or changed through hearing this. Also, in your book, you've written about your family.
What would you say was the most impactful lesson that you learned from your family growing up?
John Wieland: (9:10 - 11:03)
I think the most important thing I learned was from my dad, you do the right thing because it is the right thing, not because of the outcome. It's never wrong to do the right thing. With my mom, she was rich in mercy and grace.
People were people, and everybody was invited into our home. We had a house right across the high school. We had an in-ground swimming pool.
There were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that would come to our house for swimming parties. I thought that I was a real popular guy. I went off to college, and every time I would come home or talk to my mom or dad, they would say, “Hey, so-and-so came over for lunch today.”
I'm like, that's interesting. So-and-so came and had dinner with us. So-and-so came over just to talk to us.
I was like, this is really interesting. They haven't talked to me since I went to college, and I realized I was not the popular one. My parents were the popular one.
I was just window dressing. And so what I got from my home is God's currency is people, especially the brokenhearted, the hopeless, the hungry. And we need to lean into that community, that a society is judged on how we care for the least of us.
And I think I got that from my parents, as well as, obviously, the scripture.
Laura Dugger: (11:04 - 11:17)
Absolutely. But it sounds like you had wonderful role models. And now as a father yourself, what are you most grateful you prioritized while you and your wife Julie were raising your own children?
John Wieland: (11:17 - 12:16)
Even though we had resources, our children did not grow up entitled. We lived in a neighborhood, and our kids always had the fewest toys. I was engaged in their lives.
They liked that. I coached softball, basketball, soccer, etc., etc. Julie was a stay-at-home mom.
Obviously, she was more engaged in their lives. They knew that messing up wasn't a big deal. It was just a chance to grow.
With my background and the number of times I messed up, I'm sure I'm not going to be cast in many stones. But it's like an opportunity to learn and grow from there, and that my love was not dependent on their behavior. And then lastly, it was what my mom and dad taught, is to be kind to everyone, especially to those who are hurting and struggling.
So, I think those were the things that they came back with that said, you probably hit the ball there.
Laura Dugger: (12:16 - 12:20)
What a neat opportunity to get to hear that from your growing children.
John Wieland: (12:21 - 12:57)
I would encourage parents out there to ask your kids, even if they're in high school or grade school, where am I hitting the ball and I'm doing well, and where have I wounded you? Because sometimes when you've wounded them, you won't even remember when it happened. But it still is an impactful moment for them.
And so, I've had both of those conversations. Obviously, I like this conversation better as opposed to the times where I've wounded them. So, yeah.
Laura Dugger: (12:58 - 17:58)
Well, thank you for sharing that. And now a brief message from our sponsors.
I want to say thank you to our longtime sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria.
I hope that you've already downloaded the Chick-fil-A app. Because did you know that with the app, you can skip the line and have food ready for you when you arrive? This is one of my favorite options when I'm taking my four daughters to Chick-fil-A East Peoria.
Download the Chick-fil-A app today and start earning points toward free rewards that are fully customized to your preferences and tastes. Chick-fil-A was named as one of Glassdoor's best places to work in the nation. That's a huge honor.
And one team member even wrote, “No comparison. This is a great job for a first job, extra money, or for career advancement. Such a loving environment, great management, and fair pay.”
Chick-fil-A believes that the local and involved ownership ensures fostering an environment where you are known, challenged, and cared for. So, if you're looking for a wonderful place to work, visit Chick-fil-A East Peoria or fill out an application online today at Chick-fil-A East Peoria.
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As we transition from family to business, I think it's just worth noting that most business people do not have an experience like yours where they go from losing hundreds of thousands of dollars to becoming hugely profitable. So, John, will you share your business journey with us now?
John Wieland: (17:58 - 20:30)
Yeah, I was an average student, a very average student going into high school. The only thing I had any ability in was math. I got along well with numbers, so I did not have much of a problem figuring out what I was going to do.
It was going to have to do with numbers, so I became an accountant. I was a public accountant for an accounting firm, and I was auditing this company, MH Equipment, for about seven years, and they were virtually bankrupt. And there's a couple of things I learned being in public accounting.
I thought that an entrepreneur was a special type of person, that he was or she was really smart and just insightful. And as I audited all these companies, I realized some of these people aren’t that smart, to the point where I'm thinking, I'm not that smart, but I think I'm smarter than them. And so the luster of, you have to be somebody special to be an entrepreneur, was taken away.
And so, fast forward, they were virtually bankrupt. The people that they did business with, their primary supplier, Hyster, they were going to decide who took it over, because they were going to have to write off about a million dollars for someone to take it over. I decided it wasn't a complicated business, and I tell people I was in the right place at the right time.
God is sovereign, and for some reason, they said yes to some 35-year-old guy who had no entrepreneurial spirit and can't even change his own oil. So, I had no mechanical skills. That was in 94.
For the next five years, the economy was great. And a good economy will cover a multitude of sins. And so, all the mistakes I was making, I wasn't having to really pay for them, because the economy was good.
And so, we went from 50 employees to close to 1,000 now, and we had three branches, and now we got 30 branches. And it's been a fun ride, because you're able to create a company that you want to be a part of. So, it's been a short 28 years.
Laura Dugger: (20:31 - 20:42)
And then even to go more micro, there was a certain decision that you made that doesn't make sense on paper when you look at the numbers.
John Wieland: (20:43 - 22:14)
Yes, it was in 2001. We had just bought two other companies and tripled the size of MH Equipment. I thought, like, I had some type of silver spoon and that I was a genius.
I wasn't. The economy turned on us. And in the first six months of 2001, we lost over $700,000.
Julie and I, we always wanted to give back to our communities by setting aside funds to make a positive difference in our communities, but we just never pulled the trigger. But it was at this low point in July of 2001, after we had lost $700,000, that we decided to go for it. And the executive team decided to start the His First Foundation, where we would commit 10% of all future profits starting in July to His First to come alongside our employees' passions.
Since then, MH Equipment, we have invested over $20 million to not-for-profits and charitable organizations. But we started it when we had to take a step of faith. And God honored that.
Laura Dugger: (22:15 - 22:28)
That is incredibly powerful. And even since that point, how would you say that God's taught you to grow in generosity? And how can all of us learn to do the same?
John Wieland: (22:28 - 24:20)
That is a great question. Scripture is very clear. You got to be faithful in small things.
If you're faithful in small things, He'll probably entrust you to be faithful in greater things. That's just a biblical principle. It's not a promise, but it's a principle.
And so, Julie and I, we've always had a heart for giving, and so when we didn't have much, we still gave. And the beauty about God is this. He doesn't need our money.
He does not care how many zeros there are before the decimal point. He's interested in how much of the giver is in the gift. Why do you think the rock star of giving is the poor widow who gave two pennies?
Because she was all in. And God loved it. And so people who are listening to this podcast, if you don't have much resources, this is a great opportunity.
To honor God, because if you choose to give something to somebody else, and you can't do something, that's a sacrifice. It's hard for people that have resources to actually sacrifice. So, I think it starts out at the beginning, and if you have not been overly generous with your time and your talents and your treasure, start.
I tell you, when you have a passion outside yourself, it is a game changer. You're so much more balanced. I mean, it's got to be tough to wake up everyday thinking life is all about you.
So, it has been a good journey.
Laura Dugger: (24:20 - 24:48)
There's a lot of wisdom packed in there. And as I think back on our conversation already, we've covered a few aspects of your life, including faith and family and business lessons. And you've woven all of these areas together in your book, Uncommon Threads.
And this book might be classified as a secular book, but the gospel is naturally shared throughout. So, was that intentional?
John Wieland: (24:48 - 26:14)
That was extremely intentional. I did not want to write a Christian book for one reason. I want non-Christians to read it.
The illustrator, who is Jim Burkle, who's a great illustrator, he's a missionary to Iranian refugees up in Michigan. He has been giving the books out to people. And a few months ago, he called and said, John, I got to tell you, I met this guy.
His father is in the mafia. He doesn't want to talk about Christ. He didn't want to think about going to church.
But he said he would read this book. Two weeks later, this guy called Jim and said, I read that book. It impacted me.
I want to talk to you. I don't want to preach to the choir. I want to create a book where non-Christians would not feel like they're being proselytized to every page.
But throughout the book, between family, business, and faith, the beauty of the cross is just naturally shared. Yeah, so I was intentional. I did not want that to be a uniquely Christian book because I want non-Christians to read it and like it.
Laura Dugger: (26:15 - 26:35)
And I think you've very much done that and woven so many helpful stories and nuggets of wisdom tucked in there. But also in your book, you share an interesting story about sitting by a woman that had a very different lifestyle from you. So, can you tell me about that and what you learned?
John Wieland: (26:36 - 30:33)
Yes. So, I'm on the plane. We're boarding it.
It's very crowded. I'm on the phone. I'm talking to one of my co-owners.
We're talking about Jesus. I used to think I said King Jesus. And the lady in front of me, she just tensed up when I said King Jesus.
And to her horror, when she sat down, I sat next to her. And, you know, I kind of felt like she may have a different lifestyle. And the last thing she wanted to do was sit by a Christian.
And I realized we need to own that. We have treated people who have a gay or lesbian lifestyle with meanness, judgment, hatred. And I thought, man, I want her to feel the love of Jesus.
Jesus, he doesn't want people to have lifestyles not because he's just mad. He wants them to be fulfilled. And so, during that time, I started talking to her.
And finally, I asked her what she liked to do. And she said, well, me and my partner, we like to go camping. And I think she thought, uh-oh, he will quit talking to me because now I've disclosed that I am gay.
And so, I just went back into and said, I just read a book on how people survive, you know, like land crashes. And some of the things that are common to all the people that survive when we start talking about it. And she just had a great conversation.
I said, “I would love to send you that book.” She went from hating the fact that she was sitting next to me to giving me her name, her personal address. I don't know what ever happened to Sarah.
But I think maybe for the first time, she felt loved by a follower of Jesus. And that can open doors. I have a cousin who got married, had two kids.
And then he decided he was gay or whatever and was with a guy for 40 years who just recently died. And this last year, he sent me a mass Christmas card from him and his partner. And on the back of the card, he wrote a few words that made me cry.
He simply said, “Your book was wonderful.” And I kind of felt like he felt like he gets it. He gets it that so many times Christians, they hate the sinner, you know.
And Jesus, he was a friend. He broke bread with the tax collectors and sinners. People flocked to him.
And if we want to change the world, we have to change our reputation. That is okay. I mean, I have a relative whose husband is going through a transgender thing.
And when this first started happening, they were all at our house for Thanksgiving. And I got the two. They were in the corner someplace.
And I walked up to them, and I said, “Look, you guys need to know this. You will always be welcomed in this home.
Laura Dugger: (30:36 - 30:45)
That's powerful to hear tangibly how love can change things rather than hate.
John Wieland: (30:45 - 30:52)
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And that's a lesson that sitting by that person, I learned that well.
Laura Dugger: (30:53 - 31:44)
Did you know you could receive a free email with monthly encouragement, practical tips and plenty of questions to ask to take your conversation a level deeper? Whether that's in parenting or on date nights, make sure you access all of this at thesavvysauce.com by clicking the button that says join our email list so that you can follow the prompts and begin receiving these emails at the beginning of each month. Enjoy.
Well, and just to highlight something else from your book, there's one chapter that was especially practical and it was entitled Leading Leaders. So, will you elaborate on a couple of your key takeaways? And we can begin with this one that you say every voice in the room is important.
John Wieland: (31:46 - 33:09)
Yeah, I mean, if you want to have a healthy culture, everybody needs to have a voice. And as the leader, and if I have another leader, they think we should do A. The first thing I think about is what is the worst thing that can happen if we do A?
And if the worst thing that can happen is manageable, then let's go A. Because you're creating an environment where everybody will be open to speaking their opinions, their ideas. I mean, the Bible talks about out of the mouth of babes comes incredible wisdom.
And so, I think it's just really important that everyone has a voice. I also talk about never lose people because you're greedy. I mean, if you've got good people in your organization, be thinking about how can I give them more money?
That's why I've got like 12 people in the company that are minority shareholders. They own part of the buildings. I'm trying to figure out how to get them more money, not how I can pay as little as possible for as long as possible.
Laura Dugger: (33:09 - 33:31)
I love that, both of those takeaways. And to circle back, when you have that thought cross your mind of what is the worst thing that could happen, does that oftentimes play out that the worst thing does happen? Or have there been times that it surprised you and going with that A that was mentioned turned out to be beneficial for all?
John Wieland: (33:31 - 34:16)
Oh, actually, two times I went with it because I didn't understand what they were thinking. I didn't see their vision, but I trusted them. And both times I said, okay, the worst is manageable.
Both of them turned out to be home runs, not only for the company, but also for our customers and also financially. And so, all wisdom does not reside with you. And so, you need to understand just because you're the CEO, that does not mean you're the smartest guy in the room.
And typically, if you are, you haven't done a good job hiring.
Laura Dugger: (34:18 - 34:33)
That's good. There were so many good business takeaways. And we oftentimes hear that leaders are readers.
So what are a few of the books that have most impacted you as a leader?
John Wieland: (34:33 - 36:34)
Well, I'm going to say this. I don't want to come across overly spiritual, but the Bible, I try to read through that at least once a year. And it's interesting.
I was with a friend a couple of years ago, and they're like, does anyone have a good devotional that I can use and read this year? I'm looking for a good devotional. And I said, “Yeah, it's called the Bible.”
He was like, ooh, that's a good push. And so, guess what his devotion is. He's reading the scripture.
I like Business by the Book. That was an old book by Larry Burkett. And it really talked about if you say it's God, then act like your business is God.
And you don't have the right just to do whatever you want with it. You're a steward. I like to read a variety of genres.
I like to read human behavior. I like to read history. I like to read spiritual books.
I like to read biographies. You don't want to be a one-trick pony when it comes to conversations. You want to be interested.
You want to be able to pivot and talk to people about a wide variety of topics because that develops relationships. If they think that every time you talk to them, you're going to turn it to a spiritual conversation, I think that's going to get tiring. So, I'm a believer in being well-read, a variety of topics.
But again, if there's a book that you want to read continuously, I believe that God's Word keeps you on a solid path.
Laura Dugger: (36:35 - 36:57)
I would say yes and amen to that. And I love that advice too for always being a reader and sharpening because we're never too young or too old to implement that habit. But I would also encourage other people listening to pick up a copy of your book as well.
So where can listeners get a copy of that?
John Wieland: (36:57 - 38:58)
Yeah, you can get it at Barnes & Nobles. You could get it on Amazon. You can buy it at Paperback.
I don't produce the paperback, but we have the hardbacks and the hardbacks are only like $10 on Amazon. And if you put your name to who you want to give it to in parentheses under your name, I would address it to that person and sign it. And that's for a hardback.
And like I said, it's only $10. We did this. I did this.
It was not a money play. I have shared with you before. I'm glad it wasn't a money play because I've lost a lot of money on it.
And that wasn't the reason. It was because of the message. And I want people to have movement in their lives.
Obviously, I would love people who are not believers to come to saving faith in Christ. But Christians, there's just so many points of interest and stories where you'll grab a hold of something and pivot. And that's what I was hoping for is that when you read it, it's an easy read.
I write like I talk. I don't use big words. I'm 64 now.
I still like to read books with pictures in it. So, there's a bunch of illustrations in it. I'm selfie-facing.
And so, I always felt like if you want, if I want you to look in your mirror, I don't think it's very good for me to say, Laura, you need to look in your mirror. It's more effective to, as an author, to look in my own mirror and share honestly where I've messed up. And that gives the reader freedom to say, hmm, if he can be honest about that and put it on paper, maybe I need to look into this.
Laura Dugger: (39:00 - 39:25)
Well, and I think this book has already touched many lives. And you were gracious to share a few of those stories of where that landed with people. So, I can't wait to see what else God has in store for this message.
But John, you may know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. And so as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
John Wieland: (39:25 - 41:07)
I'm going to give you two answers. One, from a business perspective, that is our culture. The importance of truly living out our mission and our vision and our values.
About four years ago, we had a lady who had been doing strategic planning for Fortune 500, the Army and the Navy. And she spent three days with MH Equipment. And at the end of three days, she made this declaration.
In all my years of over 40 years, I have never met a company whose value statements that were on their wall were so closely related to reality. And so, you have to live out your values. You can't have something on your wall and then live something else out.
From a personal standpoint, my savvy sauce is this. Everything's not okay. Quit saying that.
When someone asks me how things are going, I will always say, considering the ordinary struggles of life, things are going okay. You would not believe the responses I get from that simple statement. They're like, I know what you mean.
I'm having problems with my son. Be okay with your brokenness. Jesus is a perfect one.
We're not. And so, I think when a watching world sees Christians that are honest in their own brokenness and they're walking towards Jesus and saying, he's the one that loves us unconditionally. I think we make movement.
Laura Dugger: (41:08 - 41:47)
Absolutely. John, it's a privilege to get to hear you share about your faith and your family and your business and really that it is built on faith.
It just brings to mind Matthew 6:33, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.”
And I feel like your life experience really illustrates that scripture coming to life. And so, I appreciate your transparency, appreciate your humble leadership and really appreciate you being my guest today.
John Wieland: (41:47 - 41:51)
Laura, I just loved our time together and I appreciate what you do for the kingdom.
Laura Dugger: (41:52 - 45:08)
Thank you, John. One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 10, 2025
Monday Mar 10, 2025
256. Gut Health, Allergies, Inflammation and Proactive Solutions with Emily Macleod-Wolfe
1 Corinthians 6:20 CEV "God paid a great price for you. So use your body to honor God."
**Transcription Below**
Emily MacLeod Wolfe is a Nurse Practitioner wellness professional with a passion for helping individuals achieve their health goals in a holistic and practical way.
With 5 years of invaluable experience in the field, Emily has developed a deep understanding of the importance of a balanced lifestyle for a vibrant life.
Emily firmly believes in treating the whole person, not just the symptoms, and takes a comprehensive approach to healthcare. She learned these from her own personal experience of dealing with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and eczema and found the root causes to treat them naturally. She is passionate to help others with the personal knowledge and health freedom she has received.
By combining her medical expertise with a focus on nutrition, exercise, and mindfulness, she empowers her clients to take control of their health and make sustainable lifestyle changes.
With a warm and empathetic demeanor, Emily creates a safe and supportive environment where clients feel heard and understood. She works closely with each individual to develop personalized wellness plans that are tailored to their unique needs and circumstances. Whether you’re looking to improve your physical fitness, manage stress, or simply lead a healthier life, Emily is dedicated to guiding, encouraging & supporting you on your wellness journey.
Find a Functional Medicine Provider in Your Area
Questions and Topics We Cover:
- Will you define what it means when you refer to our "gut" and explain why our gut health is vitally important to our overall health?
- What lifestyle sets us up to have a healthier gut?
- If you had to simplify it and leave encouragement for each of these areas, what's a good starting point for something we can all start doing, stop doing, and continue doing?
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Dream, Build, Grow: A Female's Step-by-Step Guide for How to Start a Business by Francie Hinrichsen
Francie Hinrichsen's Previous Episode on The Savvy Sauce:
Episode 132 Pursuing Your God-Given Dream with Francie Hinrichsen
Other Related Episodes on The Savvy Sauce Podcast:
Being Intentional with our Health, Finances and Relationships with Elizabeth Dixon
Simple Changes for Healthier Living with Leslie Sexton and Vasu Thorpe
Sustainable Health & Nutrition with Molly Pfleuderer and Ryan Parnham
Rhythms of Renewal with Gabe and Rebekah Lyons
Healthy Living with Dr. Tonya Khouri
Connect with us through The Savvy Sauce Website.
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:08)
Laura Dugger: (0:09 – 1:15)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
If you are looking to start a business or side hustle, but you're not sure how to begin, I want to encourage you to pick up your copy of Dream, Build, Grow: A Female’s Step-by-Step Guide for How to Start a Business. You can find it at foundingfemalesco.com.
Emily MacLeod-Wolfe is my kind and brilliant guest for today. She's a nurse practitioner, wellness professional, and she loves helping individuals achieve their health goals in a holistic and practical way.
Emily packs this conversation full of practical tips, and she sprinkles them throughout the entire episode. So, I hope you enjoy learning from her now. Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Emily.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (1:16 – 1:20)
Thank you so much for having me, Laura. I'm so excited to be here with you today.
Laura Dugger: (1:21 – 1:33)
I'm thrilled for the opportunity to get to interview you. And just doing a little bit of research, I recognize you are such a gifted photographer. So, then what also led you to pursue a career in the health arena?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (1:34 - 5:05)
Yes, thank you so much. So, first of all, with photography, from a very young age, I just started disappearing from family photos because I wanted to start taking them. And so I was blessed to have a couple of photography mentors, and I loved the ability to be able to capture someone and show them their worth and their beauty and give them maybe even an outside perspective of sometimes we can be so critical of ourselves and to be able to show someone their beauty and their worth in a photo, it was just incredible.
And so, I just have always, always been a people person and always loved really just showing people that. And then I started that and then it was actually my own health journey that ended up prompting me to go towards the health route. And so, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's and eczema.
My skin, it was just I just became a bleeding open wound at one point where I literally couldn't I would cry myself to sleep. My mom would put mittens on my hands so that I would not scratch at night. We went to doctor after doctor and no one could figure out what was going on with all these health issues.
And they just kept prescribing medications and steroids, and it was it was making it worse. And there was a point where I went and did like a UV ray treatment and for my skin and my skin with the hydrocortisone had a reaction to the UV ray light. And then I went from like already looking really terrible, my skin falling off to like a burn patient.
And it was just horrible. And so from that point, I had prayed and felt prior that I was being called into medical missions. My parents are pastors.
And so, I really had a heart to do medical missions and be in ministry. And I thought immediately doctor. But then after I saw a nurse practitioner and she asked me all the questions that the doctors were not asking.
And she was like, what are you eating and what is your sleep like? What are your stress levels like? And we did allergy sensitivity testing.
And oh, my gosh, I was my gut was so imbalanced that I just could not eat anything. And I ate I was literally eating chicken and green beans for like nine months. But my gut reset because it was so inflamed and allergic to everything.
And we did certain things to calm the lining, heal the lining of the gut and my skin cleared. And it was incredible. That prompted me to go on this journey.
I was able to get off thyroid medication. The Lord healed my thyroid and prompted me into doing medical. And so I knew I wanted to go to Vanderbilt and I wanted to be a nurse practitioner and do the traditional training.
But go into holistic, integrative kind of have the best of both worlds, the traditional training. But then the functional medicine knowledge and then integrate the two. And so that's why my practice is called pure integrative health, because it's kind of blending both.
And I still do both. And I still do photography because I just love that creative aspect. And then I like the right and left brain.
It kind of gives a little change.
Laura Dugger: (5:05 - 5:27)
I love that. That's such a good point. And I've learned so much from hearing you speak about these topics.
But it seems like people are starting to pay more attention to gut health in recent years. But will you just start baseline? Will you define what it means when you refer to our gut and explain why gut health is so vitally important to our overall health?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (5:28 - 8:59)
Such a great question, Laura. Yes. So, first of all, the microbiome, which is it's our gut is essentially all the different intestines that colon, large intestine, small intestine, stomach.
That's the gut. Now, the lining of that, we've got billions of bacteria, trillions of bacteria in the gut. It's the only organ that is constantly communicating like through the vagus nerve.
There is continual communication called the set. The gut is called the second brain for a reason, because there is a constant stream of communication. The gut can actually send signals to the brain and then vice versa.
And so, it is the precursor to I mean, if we can heal the lining of the gut and if we can heal and balance out, when I say microbiome, it is the amount of good and bad bacteria that are all in in the gut. And so, we want a really healthy microbiome, which would be we want lots of strains of good bacteria outweighing the bad bacteria, very little to or just like not pathogenic, bad bacteria. So how and what do we do to kind of balance those things?
One thing is the good and bad bacteria. We want so many different strains of good bacteria. Now, studies have shown that over the last 100 years, the number of good back just even strains of different types of bacteria, the microbiome diversity has gone down dramatically.
And what could be causing that is the introduction of antibiotics, because since the introduction of antibiotics, there are far fewer. Good bacteria strains that are even possible to have and cultivate now, that's what keeps our immune system resilient is the abundance of many different types of good bacteria. And so, then when pathogenic bad bacteria viruses, we get sick, then the body has a strong enough immune system and the bacteria can just destroy the bad bacteria much quicker if we have that.
But just antibiotics, the chemicals in the food, toxins, even America's gluten, because it is genetically altered. It's not Italy's, but really good stuff. It's all affecting you.
Alcohol, the lining of the gut and weakening the immune system. Not why is this so important? Anyone that has autoimmune issues needs to be paying attention to the gut.
Hundred twenty percent because 90 percent of the immune system is made and synthesized in the gut. And so, then if the gut is sending out unhealthy signals, it will send those things. Rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, Hashimoto's thyroid disorder, just arthritis, anything with inflammation.
Yeah. So anyhow, all of those things, inflammation and it can be traced back to imbalances in the gut.
Laura Dugger: (9:00 - 9:23)
And as you're sharing even what the gut is, just thinking food passes through all of those places as it gets processed. So, I'm assuming that I'm sure there's lifestyle factors as well. But is food the main reason beyond the antibiotics that are stripping it of the good bacteria?
Is that the main lifestyle change we can have is to eat a certain way?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (9:25 - 9:26)
Great question.
Laura Dugger: (9:26 - 9:26)
Yes.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (9:26 - 14:25)
So food is the game changer because it is true. You are what you eat and the foods that we're eating, some of them are just the quality in the food. We could get organic, but they're showing now that sometimes we're not even getting the nutrients from the soil anymore.
They're not putting the right nutrients in the soil that the food was even grown in. So we're not getting the minerals and we're not absorbing things like B vitamins are not even being absorbed as well. Into the lining of the gut.
It's not even there to begin with in the foods or they are grown, but sent across the country and then gone to a grocery store. And they are no longer like three, four, five, six days after harvesting the mineral content in our foods drastically drops. And so.
As much as possible, I recommend getting to know your farmer, getting to know local farmers markets, places that can really go back and get food that was just freshly harvested, because we're going to increase the chances of getting cleaner, more nutrient dense foods that way. That's one thing. And the other is.
Sometimes we can be eating foods that are healthy that could actually be causing damage to the lining of our gut. And what I mean is some of you might have heard something called leaky gut. Well, what is that?
And like, where does it come from? It's in the lining of the colon, large and small intestine, and the stomach. There are these tight junctions of the cells that just keep everything in the digestive tract as properly.
We need food to stay in the digestive tract. We don't need it anywhere else in the body. And so, if there's a stressor to the body, then it can be from toxins, chemicals, food additives, preservatives, pesticides.
It can start to wear. And like I said, genetically altered gluten can wear away at the lining of the tight junctions. And all of a sudden there's holes in the lining of the intestine causing food particles to leak into the bloodstream, which what is the problem with that?
And that can contribute to food allergies and food sensitivities popping up like crazy. So, for example, an allergy usually is pretty immediate. Most people know their allergies because hives, throat closing, etc.
Sensitivities present up to 72 hours after eating a food. So we're talking joint pain, bloating, diarrhea, constipation. We're talking mood swings, depression, anxiety, brain fog, acne, psoriasis, eczema, all sorts of things.
And it can show up 72 hours after eating the food. So, all of a sudden playing a guessing game. Well, I ate eggs three days ago.
I was feeling fine. I ate eggs today and I feel bloated. Was it this or was it was it the broccoli or was it this?
And so then there's this and it could be continual exposure. Now there's more inflammation in the body because then that increases inflammation that can cause weight gain. And then there's foods leaking into the bloodstream.
It's going to weaken the immune system. So oftentimes with the intestinal permeability, we'll see heightened seasonal allergies are getting way worse. We'll see food sensitivities popping up like crazy.
We'll just see overall getting sick more frequently, all of those things as well. So I do highly recommend doing a food sensitivity test because, for example, I had a patient just last week who was trying to eat as healthy as she possibly could. And she was eating salmon, spinach and rice.
Well, we did a food sensitivity test and she came back to find out that salmon, spinach and rice were three of the top most foods causing inflammation, sensitivities and allergies in her body. And that was contributing to the inflammation and all the ways that she was she was feeling terrible, which is crazy because those are healthy, good foods. But the body, if there's if there's, you know, breaches in the lining of the gut, it doesn't start to recognize good food versus it's just it could pop up from eating the same food every single day or from from vaccines at a very young age that hijack the immune system and then or antibiotics from a very young age or.
Yeah, I'm spilling out lots of information.
Laura Dugger: (14:25 - 14:45)
So helpful. I'm going to try and remember it. There's a few follow up questions.
Just thinking back to when you talked about eczema and skin issues, I think I've heard you say before that the skin is the last place where it shows up, where your imbalance and overall health will show up. Is that correct?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (14:45 - 17:06)
That is correct. That is. Yes, exactly.
And so even a lot of skin issues are oftentimes an indicator of there's something deeper going on. Acne, psoriasis, eczema, what's going on? Eczema, psoriasis are autoimmune also.
So, looking at the gut is absolutely a game changer. I like a gut analysis. I will say with food sensitivity tests, they're not all created equal.
I have one that I do with my patients that checks for allergy, sensitivities and inflammation because some tests just test sensitivities. Some just test allergy and some will not.
There's none that really just test inflammation on their own. But how much better if you can look at all three and add them up? What foods could be causing inflammation, which is going to increase like almost every disease out there can be linked back to inflammation.
And then we can get inflammation down or be preventative. Maybe you're not feeling bad but just want to be on the preventative side. Great.
We want to reduce inflammation. And then the sensitivities and then the allergies. So IgE, IgG and then inflammation markers and the lining would be like the best way to look at everything.
And you want to pull them out, heal the lining of the gut best we can. There are foods, there's supplements and things depends on the person to exactly what is going on with their lining of their gut. But generally it can be repaired, which is great news.
It's like, is it forever? Is it like you guys? No, it's not.
It's just because the lining of the gut can regenerate in two or three weeks. So even two months of true two or three months of truly pulling out any foods that could be causing inflammation is just incredible because it gives the body the opportunity to finally heal. If it's not always continually having stressors coming at it from something that we can control.
Laura Dugger: (17:06 - 19:54)
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Laura Dugger:
And I'd love to eventually unpack how some of these symptoms may present, whether that's insomnia or brain fog, low energy, all kinds of symptoms.
But first, I think you've given us a little glimpse of hope, so I want to run with that for a moment. So, eating whole, healthy, organic when possible foods that are locally sourced. Then you mentioned supplements and this testing.
So what are those proactive ways with both lifestyle and supplements? What do you generally recommend?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (19:54 - 27:50)
I will say that foods in general that increase the microbiome diversity, which is good, the good bacteria that increase can be foods like kefirs and sauerkraut and kimchi, the fermented foods. Even sourdough bread is more easily digestible because it is fermented. And so some of those type foods that are rich in probiotics.
So probiotics, the good bacteria. But then there's prebiotics. I'm like, you know probiotics maybe.
But the prebiotics are the food for the probiotics. So we really want to feed the prebiotics so that the probiotics can multiply. So what are foods that are rich in prebiotic?
Chicory root, inulin, like the greenish like bananas, like not too ripe, but greenish, closer to green. Those are rich in prebiotics. Asparagus, onions, leeks, garlic.
Those are rich in prebiotics. And yeah, and so increasing some of those foods can help fuel the probiotics and help them multiply. But I and then as far as supplements go, a really good high quality probiotic is good.
I will say not all probiotics are made or created equally. And I would recommend you that you that are listening to consider seeing a holistic practitioner that can partner with you to do like, you know, a gut test and a food sensitivity test. And then when you do a gut analysis, it's not super fun.
It's a stool analysis. But it looks at the lining of the gut. Like we talked about, it looks at bacterial overgrowth, looks at bacterial undergrowth.
Like, is there something that's growing that's that used to be good, but now it's overgrown and it's bad bacteria that needs to be killed off? We can figure that out. And then we can look at is their yeast overgrown in the colon that can be contributing to skin issues and frequent infections, different things.
And then it looks at like not all of them, but like the top 20 parasites. So, we can know, okay, at least we know which ones most of us have some degree of parasites. Unfortunately, I don't like to think about it too much.
None of us do. But just need to come in from anywhere and just need to kind of get that flushed out. But I don't recommend people just starting on parasite cleanses without like fully knowing what else could be going on.
Sure, we can assume parasites and could cleanse. But if there's other bad bacteria that needs to be killed off that is you don't know about, that could worsen the situation. Or there's something called small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, SIBO.
And that can be caused by like someone who maybe errs towards constipation. And so the stool is sat in the stomach and then it's backing up into not just sitting in the colon, but backing up into the small intestine. Now, that can present as eating foods and immediately feeling like bloated or waking up feeling really bloated and full all the time and don't know why.
A lot of gas, a lot of problems with constipation or diarrhea. In those cases, that's why I say consider a holistic practitioner to kind of partner with you. In those cases, feeding the probiotics is not a good idea because that can be overgrowing small intestinal bacteria or bacteria that should not be continually to grow.
It can make you feel worse. So that's why there's like a yes, these are really good. But also you just it's good to know exactly where your gut is at because not everybody's microbiome and gut is the same.
There's different pieces like mine. I was very sick at a young age and I had a lot of antibiotics when I was at a young age. I know that weakened my immune system.
I think that made me more susceptible to having eczema at such a young age and then that worsening. And then when you have one autoimmune issue, it's likely that it can continue on to another one. So then I had Hashimoto's, which is another autoimmune disorder of the thyroid, but kind of snowballing all having to do with the immune system and the gut.
And so the more that we know the bigger picture and figure out, OK, what stressors have been here and what do we need to do about it, then definitely helps with that. Oh, and something about the with brain fog, anxiety and depression. I just want to touch on the mental effects of the gut because that is huge.
So one thing is a lot of people have been put on antidepressants like Lexapro, SSRI, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors is what they're called. These antidepressants actually work more on the brain, which is not where we really want them to be working, because 80 to 90 percent of our serotonin receptors are in the gut. So dopamine, serotonin, melatonin, all of those really happy hormones that keep us happy and healthy.
There's a lot of people who haven't been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and been getting on these antidepressants and the antidepressant medications are not even working on the right organ. Isn't that crazy? So even in the gut, it's that's why a lot of the side effects of those medications are gut imbalances, because it's causing imbalances in the gut because of the gut brain access.
But really, what could we do if we can heal the lining of the gut? I have seen brain fog start to disappear because of bad bacteria or things that needed to be cleared out. I've seen more that you heal the gut, the more the thyroid gets balanced, the more that you heal the lining of the gut.
You can help heal the adrenals, which is just the way that body processes stress. That organ sits on top of the kidneys and vice versa, healing high cortisol stress hormones made in the adrenals. You could go back and heal the lining of the gut.
They're so interconnected, like each organ. And so anxiety, depression, ADHD. Oh, my goodness.
Kids with ADHD, I would say first thing, gut and food sensitivities. Check the food sensitivities, check the gut before going on ADHD medications, because there are likely mineral deficiencies that are happening, like B vitamins that are just not even being absorbed. D levels, different things that could be contributing to the problem that might not even be addressed.
Laura Dugger: (27:51 - 28:22)
Well, and it sounds like the gut is the root cause of so many of these symptoms, but it's also very nuanced. And so seeing somebody like you would be ideal. Are there ever blanket statements that work?
I am thinking lifestyle, just how God created us to be outdoors and how that early morning light, that's kind of like a bio hack that helps all of these. Can you explain more about why that works or just any other things that would work for anyone?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (28:23 - 31:12)
Yeah, that's great. So, one thing for sure is when you go outside first thing in the morning, you get 10, 15 minutes of that sunlight. The sunlight affects our vitamin D receptors and vitamin D is the precursor to melatonin.
So, melatonin is what helps us fall asleep and stay asleep. And so naturally increasing that melatonin so that it's funny, but you wake up that morning and then that night you're going to have a better sleep because of the morning sunlight. So, getting out even better is walking and moving because the more that we do exercise and that's going to increase the endorphins.
I know you've heard it before, but it's really true that if you exercise, it's going to increase serotonin and dopamine. It's going to give the body those surges of those things. And also in American culture, we're not moving enough and we're not tiring ourselves out physically.
I mean, we sure are tiring out the brain, but we're not tiring out the body. And so, there's this like discrepancy between an exhausted brain and then the body hasn't even had enough exercise. And then we try and go to bed and the brain keeps racing and the body's not as tired as it should be.
And so that's why also exercising daily and trying to get somewhere between that six thousand to seventy five hundred steps a day. That's like an hour of walking. I mean, you can walk around the house to that counts.
That's great. But just intentional walking and doing those things, that's going to help our mental health. And then weight bearing exercises are huge for prevention after the age of 30.
Twenties and the 20s is the decade in which well, teens and 20s, that is where we can build muscle. Lots of muscle can be built. And essentially after 30, it's just whatever muscle has been built will just continue to deteriorate until we die, which is unfortunate.
But that is why it is so, so, so important to do weight bearing exercise. It's not a doom and gloom. It's OK, let's be aware.
Yes, it's we're working against the natural decline in the muscles. That's why it's so important for prevention of osteoporosis, bone density, helping with sleep. So many things that weight bearing exercises one to three times.
If you need to start at one great work up to three times a week. Weight bearing exercises are incredible for men and women. It's good because it increases testosterone naturally.
Laura Dugger: (31:13 - 32:25)
By now, I hope you've checked out our updated website, thesavvysauce.com, so that you can have access to all the additional freebies we are offering, including all of our previous articles and all of our previous episodes, which now include transcriptions. You will be equipped to have your own practical chats for intentional living when you read all the recommended questions in the articles or gain insight from expert guests and past episodes as you read through the transcriptions. Because many people have shared with us that they want to take notes on previous episodes or maybe their spouse prefers to read our conversations rather than listen to them.
We heard all of that and we now have provided transcripts for all our episodes. Just visit thesavvysauce.com. All of this is conveniently located under the tab Show Notes on our website. Happy reading.
It also makes me wonder just about hydration, sleep and stress management, too. How do those play into the brain gut connection and all of these symptoms?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (32:25 - 34:21)
Yes. So, the sleep and stress, I will tell you that high levels of stress zap good bacteria from the lining of the gut. So, we can do the right probiotics.
You can do that gut test. You can do all those things. And then if there's high levels of stress continually exposing the body, it will contribute to just some bacteria will literally be zapped.
I've seen gut analysis where like the lactobacillus strains just fully gone. And that's what stress can do to our bodies. And that's going to weaken the immune system because we don't have all the different strains that we need to.
And so that makes us more susceptible for that. And then cortisol levels is melatonin and cortisol. Melatonin helps us.
It's a bell curve that helps us fall asleep and stay asleep. And then cortisol helps us stay awake. But if there's high levels of stress right before bed, then we're not going to be able to calm down, wind down and be able to rest properly.
So a lot of it with that lifestyle of our bodies need rhythm. We have to our bodies crave the balance of a rhythm and consistent schedule, because then the body can, you know, just little signals of I'm winding down. This is what I do.
My body needs extra help sometimes. And like, OK, it's winding down. I'm drinking some tea and taking a shower.
I'm meditating on the word. I'm not going to be looking at my screens too much because blue light really does signal the body to produce cortisol and stay awake. That's the blue light is the morning sunlight.
So, you don't want to be giving yourself screen time right before bed, because then that will be giving your body the signal to stay awake.
Laura Dugger: (34:22 - 35:01)
That's fascinating, because I think there's even studies that show that blue light, I think approximately between 11 p.m. and 4 a.m., that exposure to that blue light can even eventually lead to, I think, more depression and anxiety. And just how you're talking, God did not rhythmically design us in that way. And we knew we wouldn't have time to fit everything in.
So, I can't wait to have you back to discuss hormones. But as we're winding down this conversation today, if you want to package it up, Emily, and just share an easy takeaway, what can we start, stop and continue doing with this information?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (35:02 - 37:56)
So, I would say I'm going to start with the morning sunlight, starting with gratitude. And I am a huge proponent of spending time with the Lord in the morning. And the physical aspects to our emotions and physical, spiritual, emotional is also interconnected.
So, like thanking the Lord, spending time in the scripture, quoting those things, truly physically changes our body. Like the scripture that says, renew your mind daily, truly has an effect on the neurotransmitters in our brain. Because 90% of what we remember is from the day before.
And then 90% of our thoughts are usually negative. So, if we're continually going on a trajectory, we're going to go downhill. Unless we are continually renewing the mind in the morning to truth, to scripture, to like, what does God say about me?
What does God say about my health? All of those things. So, so, so important because we got to shift the 90% narrative.
And we've got to shift what we thought yesterday to today. So, I would say, pair it with a little 10 minute walk in the morning. And I would say, do eat for blood sugar management.
We can get into this more into the next episode, for sure, because we're going to smaller, more frequent meals. And I'll get into why that is so important, but not skipping out and going, you know, five, six, seven hours. That was the blood sugar and glucose is going to spike and crash.
And then that's going to affect the gut, the hormones, and we'll get into that 100%. But the morning sunlight, taking time to really meditate on truth and scripture in the morning, and then cutting out processed oils. I would say that would be a really big one that we can start cooking with.
Baking it, broiling it, grilling it, cooking with whole, real foods as best sourced as you can control from local, if you can. And having a good protein source and then fiber, like a vegetable and a fat for a meal or like a protein fiber and complex carb, like sweet potato, brown rice, quinoa, something like that. It's going to give you more longer energy and lasts a lot longer than just eating fruit or just eating a piece of toast or just drinking a glass of orange juice.
Which is typical for American culture, but that's just spiking sugar and crashing it.
Laura Dugger: (37:57 - 38:03)
Okay, so that's the start and stop. Is there anything to continue?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (38:04 - 39:20)
Anything to continue? Continue with the working out and just being consistent in that. Because also, the more that we walk, we do workouts, exercise, cardio, mixed with weights, it is bringing oxygen to our tissues.
And I don't think most people think of it in that way. Most of us know a handful of our friends and family members, loved ones that have passed from cancer or dealt with cancer before. But we need to remember that exercise increases oxygen to the tissues and cancer cannot survive in an oxygen rich environment.
So the more that we are pumping our bodies with oxygen and getting it to the tissues, it's going to prevent a lot of those cancers. And it's going to improve cardiovascular health. And just walking 6,000 to 7,000 steps a day can reduce the risk of dying between the ages of 20 and 65 by 40%.
Just the walking part or cardiovascular events. So, I would say keep walking.
Laura Dugger: (39:21 - 39:39)
That's incredible. Well, you are such a wealth of knowledge. And as you shared, even getting these food sensitivities and allergy and inflammation tests, is that something that we can seek from you even if we're living in a different state?
Or would we have to find somebody local?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (39:40 - 40:28)
Great question. Yes. So a couple of different options.
I have an option, opportunity that I can. I would need to see. I do see out of state patients.
I just have to see them for their first evaluation. And then after that, we can do like a hybrid telemedicine. See you back once a year, that kind of thing.
So that's definitely an option. And then obviously in person will just work. I can order testing, you know, even to wherever it is needed.
As far as finding a local practitioner in your current state, there is a website, ifm.org. And then you can go to that website and find a practitioner. If you prefer someone right there local, then you can do that too.
But there's options. Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (40:28 - 40:30)
Wonderful. Okay. Well, we will.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (40:33 - 40:40)
Pureintegrativehealth.com. That's the website, my website, that they can find out more information on how to become a patient if they were interested.
Laura Dugger: (40:41 - 40:49)
Yeah. Wonderful. We'll link to those websites in the show notes for today's episode.
And I hope we all get a chance to meet you in person.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (40:50 - 40:50)
Thank you.
Laura Dugger: (40:50 - 41:07)
Wonderful. Well, Emily, I've enjoyed this time so much. But I do have one more question for you because we are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge.
And so, as my final question for you today, what is your Savvy Sauce?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (41:08 - 42:45)
I would say that my Savvy Sauce for today is the importance of eating smaller, more frequent meals centered around protein and never having sugar by itself. Including fruit, including carbs, always pairing it with protein and the order in which we eat a meal can affect glucose. Because if we can get the blood sugar controlled, it came out this year, type 3 diabetes, Alzheimer's, type 3 diabetes, sugar in the brain.
So we can prevent Alzheimer's, blood sugar issues, adrenal issues, thyroid issues, all of this getting down to the order in which we eat foods. And that is on a plate. If we can have the vegetable first, that's the gastric juices.
It gets it going and flowing. Then we eat the protein next. And that will stabilize and tell our body when we're full longer.
And then the carb. And that order, even on a plate, makes a big difference to glucose levels in the blood after eating. And so that, as well as just when we're pairing foods, we do not want to have the fruit by itself.
Have it with a little bit of protein, you know, a turkey stick or something with the fruit. It's okay to have, you know, treats. But just doing it with the protein is such a huge game changer.
Laura Dugger: (42:46 - 43:06)
Wonderful. Wow. You are just a wealth of information, Emily.
And wrapped up in a very warm and engaging and likable personality. But there is so much more to dig into. And I'm so grateful that you've agreed to be a returning guest.
So, thank you for everything you've shared today. And I look forward to getting to host you again.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (43:06 - 43:10)
Thank you so much for having me, Laura. I've really had a great time. I appreciate it.
Laura Dugger: (43:10 - 43:11)
My pleasure.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (43:12 - 43:13)
Okay, let's see you next time.
Laura Dugger: (43:14 - 46:54)
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before? It simply means good news.
And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners.
But Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a Savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” So, would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today, right now, is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life?
We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So are you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have Show Notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 03, 2025
Monday Mar 03, 2025
255. Redeeming Our Time with Jordan Raynor
“But as for you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work.” 2 Chronicles 15:7 AMP
**Transcription Below**
Jordan Raynor is a leading voice of the faith and work movement. Through his bestselling books (The Sacredness of Secular Work, Redeeming Your Time, The Creator in You, and The Royal in You.), keynote speeches, podcasts, and devotionals, Jordan has helped millions of Christians in every country on earth connect the gospel to their work.
In addition to his writing and speaking, Jordan serves as the Executive Chairman of Threshold 360, a venture-backed tech startup which Jordan previously ran as CEO following a string of successful ventures of his own.
Questions and Topics We Cover:
1. What does it look like, practically, to live on earth as it is in Heaven?
2. From your time studying of the Bible, do you find a difference in how our call to work applies to both men and women?
3. What are some ways we can pass along this wisdom to our children?
Other Episode Mentioned from The Savvy Sauce:
Stewarding Technology for More Intentional Relationships with Joey Odom
Related Episodes on The Savvy Sauce:
Being Intentional with Marriage, Parenting, Rest, Personal development, and Leadership with Pastor, Podcaster, and Author, Jeff Henderson
Practical Life Tips with Blogger, Rach Kincaid
Ordering Your Priorities with Kat Lee
Living Intentionally with Shunta Grant
Cultivate What Matters in 2021 with Emily Thomas
Rhythms of Renewal with Gabe and Rebekah Lyons
Divine Productivity with Matt Perman
Why Limits Are Good For Us with Kelly Kapic
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Sam Leman Eureka
Connect with The Savvy Sauce Our Website, Instagram or Facebook
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: The principles of honesty and integrity that Sam Leman founded his business on continue today over 55 years later at Sam Leman Chevrolet Eureka. Owned and operated by the Bertschi family, Sam Leman in Eureka appreciates the support they've received from their customers all over central Illinois and beyond. Visit them today at Lemangm.com.
I am pleased to get to introduce you to my guest, author, speaker, entrepreneur, Jesus lover, and family man, Jordan Raynor. We're going to discuss what God's word has to say about topics such as the afterlife and then what that means now for how we spend our time and what work we get to do both as men and women.
Jordan is a content producer and much of our conversation today is a follow-up to one of his books entitled, Redeeming Your Time: 7 Biblical Principles for Being Purposeful, Present, and Wildly Productive. [00:01:31]
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jordan.
Jordan Raynor: Laura, it's great to be here. Thanks for having me.
Laura Dugger: Well, it is truly my pleasure. I'd love just to begin here. How did you find your way into the work that you get to do today?
Jordan Raynor: I spent the majority of my career as a tech entrepreneur. I still have a foot in that world as executive chairman of the last company that I ran, but I spent 10 years full-time as a tech startup CEO.
I was in the process of exiting my second company when this kind of all started for me. So, you know, when you sell two companies, the natural thing to do is go start a third. So that was kind of the plan.
But for a hot minute there, my wife and I were really seriously thinking about planting a church. Why? Because I went to church often feeling this guilt that I think a lot of believers have felt of, Man, how dare I want to go to work and build a business tomorrow when there's a need for people to serve as pastors and move to mud huts 5,000 miles away from home to make disciples. [00:02:39]
So we're praying about these two paths: start another business, plan a church. One week after church, this mentor of mine pulled me aside. He's like, "Hey, I heard you're thinking about planting a church."
And I'm thinking this guy's going to pat me on the back, maybe write me my first check. He just looks me dead in the eyes, is like, "Yeah, I got to be honest, it sounds really dumb for you." Like, personally, I was like, "Oh, okay. Tell me more." He's like, "Listen, Jordan, you're a talented entrepreneur. You've served your customers and your team members and your investors with excellence. Why do you think you have to plant a church to do ministry? Don't you get that your work as an entrepreneur is ministry?"
I was like, "Yeah, no, I get it. I build these companies so I can write big checks to the missionaries, picture on my refrigerator, or share the gospel with my team members." He's like, "Yeah, but like so much more than that." I was like, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
So he's like, "Here's what I want you to do with this conversation, the background of your mind, I want you to read Genesis one and two." [00:03:39] And I'm thinking, "I've read Genesis one, two, five hundred times. What am I going to say? It's new."
But Laura, what I saw changed my life forever. I saw that before God tells us that He is loving or holy or omnipotent, He tells us that He is a God who works and creates. It's literally the first verb in the Bible. It's the only thing we know about God's character until Genesis 1:26, well, God says, let us make humankind in our image. Why? So that they may rule and work like God did long before the great commission to make disciples.
In Genesis 1, we see this first commission that God never once retracts for you and I to make culture. And that just stopped me dead in my tracks. So long story short, I did not go plant a church. I went and ran somebody else's company. But it set me on this search to really understand how the church's theology of work has gotten so, so lost. [00:04:38]
And it's led to the work I do today, which is creating a whole lot of content through books and podcasts and whatever, helping Christians understand the biblical story of work and God's plan for work from Genesis 1 all the way to Revelation 22 and respond to that truth in practical ways in how they do their work outside and inside of the home today.
Laura Dugger: Wow. Okay. So definitely want to talk about work, but then even zooming out bigger picture of our time, that some of the content that you've written about, and I'm specifically thinking about redeeming your time. So what would you say, Jordan, is one of your biggest cautions for us to consider, especially as it relates to ways that are culturally acceptable to spend our time, but they're not eternally wise ways to spend our time?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah, it's a really good question. [00:05:36] I think maybe the most significant one though is not where we spend it but how we spend it. I think culture outside of the church largely views time as a means of glorifying self, of pleasing self, of accumulating experiences and leisure.
It's the whole bucket list mentality, right? The purpose of your time now is to do it all because this is your only chance to do everything you want to do. And that's a deeply unbiblical lie that I think is one of Satan's favorites to peddle to believers and non-believers alike.
And so I think as believers, the gospel ought to compel us to not just manage our time for profit and for pleasure, but to redeem the time, as Paul says in Ephesians 5:15-16, to eternal ends, to things that are eternal.
And yes, that means souls, but it means way more than souls. I think a lot of times when we think about eternal uses of our time, we think exclusively in that bucket of evangelism. And Jesus didn't. [00:06:36] In fact, He spent 80% of His adult life swinging a hammer and making excellent tables and chairs. He spent time turning water into good wine and pursuing justice in the world and beauty in the world.
And I think all of that matters to God. I think all of that can be an eternally significant use of our time if, if, and this is the big IF, we're doing all those things with Christ-like love and compassion and excellence and in accordance with God's good and perfect word.
Laura Dugger: I guess you're starting to answer this, but I'm thinking then of the flip side of that question. What would you say are ways that God's will can be done on earth as it is in heaven?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that we could spend hours and hours and hours answering that question. I think we got to be clear though on what we mean by that term "heaven". [00:07:35] Because for the first time in church history, for the last 200 or 300 years or so, Christians, when they hear that word heaven, think almost exclusively about the present heaven, this amorphous, disembodied souls floating on clouds, which was not the hope of Jesus, it was not the ultimate hope of the writers of the New Testament.
God did not promise to fit us for heaven to dwell with Him there, as we sing every Christmas. He promised heaven on earth and to dwell with us here. See Revelation 21 and 22. And that's the "on earth" part.
So when we expand our thinking beyond heaven is only this place that disembodied souls go to in the future and we understand heaven as a state of affairs that is breaking into the present — Jesus said the kingdom of heaven is at hand — I think it greatly expands our vision of what it means to work in ways and manage our time in ways where God's will can be done on earth as it is in heaven. [00:08:32]
Yes, that means making disciples as we go about the work that God has given us to do. Yes, it means discipling our kids within our homes. But it also means cultivating beauty in the world. Because Revelation 21 says that when we do, we are scratching off a glimpse of the day when beauty will reign supreme over the face of the earth.
It means doing work with excellence, because Isaiah 60 tells us there are works of cultural excellence present on the new earth, which boggles the minds of many people, right?
So I think the definition is really, really broad of what that means to do our work on earth as it is in heaven. But the key is love. The key is, out of looking at the cross and understanding the love that God has shown us in Christ, letting that love overflow out of our hearts and spill into everything we do, whether we eat or drink or whatever it is that we spend our time doing, to riff off of Paul in 1 Corinthians 10. "Do it all for the glory of God." [00:09:36]
What's his glory? The perfect love of His Son. When we're modeling that, that's what I think it means to bring heaven to earth, as Jesus calls us to do.
Laura Dugger: Okay, so expand our understanding, though, because I know you've been on a journey learning about heaven here on earth. What are some findings and realizations that you've made as you've studied scripture?
Jordan Raynor: Number one, nobody, including Jesus Christ, is going to spend eternity in heaven. If what we mean by heaven is the present heaven, where, God forbid, if I die in the plane that I'm about to go on tonight, I will be with Jesus in the present heaven. Nobody's going to spend eternity in that heaven. Read Revelation 21, read Isaiah 60 through 65, it makes that abundantly clear.
Number two, contrary to our American caricature of heaven as a glorified retirement home, Isaiah 65 says, starting in verse 17, God says, "See, I'll create new heavens and a new earth. My chosen people will build houses and dwell in them, and they will long enjoy the work of their hands." [00:10:39]
So, number one, nobody's going to spend eternity in heaven. Number two, on the new earth, we will worship by singing yes, but also by working with our hands alongside the risen Christ. And then I would say, you know, number three, I think what I'm learning more and more is we tend to think of heaven exclusively as a place that we go to in the future. And that is true in a sense, right?
But it's also, as I said before, this state of affairs that's relevant and breaking into the present, breaking into our homes, breaking into our communities. The good news of the gospel is not that I sit around and wait to go to heaven when I die. The good news of the gospel is that I get to partner with Jesus in cultivating heaven on earth until I die, and He returns with heaven in hand to finish the work, right? [00:11:36]
So I think as we expand our vision beyond these half-truths about heaven that secular and, frankly, church culture have been peddling for years, with the whole truths that we see in Scripture, it vastly expands our purpose in the present as we seek to redeem our time. And I also think it expands our hope for the future, because a future with Christ where He has truly made all things new and I get to long enjoy the work of my hands with Him is way more exciting to me, and way more importantly, way more biblical than endless harps and hammocks in the clouds. Way more exciting.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. And then if you'd have to say what that means for us now, like on a regular Thursday afternoon, can you make it really practical?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. I think it means, number one, you can have a whole lot more purpose in your work and feel much more alive doing the work, whether that's changing diapers or making widgets on your computer. [00:12:37] Because, listen, if earth is our temporary home, as Carrie Underwood likes to say — I love you, Carrie Underwood. I do — then matter doesn't matter, right? Like matter doesn't matter. And my work with matter doesn't matter.
And if that's true, less than 1% of my time matters for eternity. Because I'm willing to bet that our listeners spend less than 1% of their time on spiritual work like evangelism and prayer. But if earth will one day be our perfect and permanent home, then matter has to matter greatly to God. And my spiritual and super material and earthly work has to matter. And if that's true, then 100% of my time matters for eternity. And so what's the response?
I love that you brought up redeeming your time. Redeeming your time is the response. If 100% of my time matters for eternity, I have greater hope for the future, I have greater purpose in the present, and I'm much more motivated to redeem all of my time, to look at every single one of my minutes that I have living in this age as opportunities to glorify God and make things matter in the grand scheme of eternity because I understand that it does matter, and it's not all going to burn up in the end. [00:13:46]
So that's one of the practical responses. We can get uber, uber practical, talking about redeeming your time and how exactly to do that. But at a theological level, if you hold to this idea that earth is our temporary home, you're really saying that 99.9% of your time doesn't matter in the grand scheme of eternity. That's deeply depressing. And praise God, it's also deeply unbiblical.
Laura Dugger: Okay. So a few follow-up questions with that then as well. So all of this matters and is eternally valuable and valuable in this moment. What about our choices then where you could be numbing out on Netflix all night or Instagram or whatever social media, or pouring excellence into the work that you're doing or your family or something more significant. What's the difference between those two options if everything matters?
Jordan Raynor: Everything has the opportunity to matter. Everything matters in the sense that God's going to judge every minute that we spend. [00:14:48] But listen, you could have two people with the exact same job, exact same stage of life, and one of them is wasting it in the grand scheme of eternity.
It matters in the sense that God's going to count it. But we can certainly make our lives matter more for eternity based on how we steward those minutes. Christians have lost this doctrine that Paul makes very clear that every single minute we spend in this life will be judged. Our soul will not be judged. Our soul has been judged (past tense) based on what Christ did on the cross. Praise God, there's no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
But every believer will stand before the beam of seed of judgment to give an account for how we live this life. And those of us who wasted this life binging Netflix infinitely, you're still going to enter the kingdom of heaven if you were trusting in Christ alone for the forgiveness of your sins. But don't expect a whole lot of rewards when you show up there, right?
The ones who are going to be awarded with treasures in heaven that Jesus talked about, with crowns, with increased job responsibilities on the new earth, see the parable of the minas, are those of us who, like Paul, expended ourselves, spent with all the energy we have to make Christ known in what we make and how we do it and how we live our lives and how we do our work. [00:16:01] That's a response, is to get off of the couch and to get in the game of scratching off glimpses of heaven on earth in the present.
Laura Dugger: I love that. Yes and amen. Somebody previously on The Savvy Sauce called me spicy for asking questions like this. I don't intend it in a controversial way.
Jordan Raynor: Listen, if we're not going to talk about these things, why talk about anything at all? I love spicy questions. Come on.
Laura Dugger: Okay. So I would just love to hear your perspective, Jordan, especially because you have immersed yourself in the word of God and obviously you have the Spirit of God living inside you as well. So when you've wrestled with these ideas, do you find a difference in how this applies to men and women? And I'm specifically thinking about Genesis and work. And I can ask some more follow-up questions, but what would you say to that?
Jordan Raynor: Oh man, I love this question. [00:17:00] I don't get asked this question very much. Listen, is there a distinction? Sure. But not much of one. Adam and Eve were both called to work the garden and to take care of it as partners together in Genesis 1 and 2.
There are tons of women throughout scripture who are celebrated for their engagement in the first commission to fill the earth, so do it and rule. I think maybe the most poignant of them is Luke chapter 8. Luke chapter 8 says, name specific women who were, quote, "helping to support them —it's referring to Jesus and His disciples — out of their own means," end quote.
And based on what we know about Mary Magdalene and some of these other characters. I don't think they had means before they followed Jesus. So the implication is these women went to work, creating value in the marketplace to support Jesus and His followers. [00:18:00]
So all throughout scripture... I'll give you one more. Gosh. You want a case study that celebrates working women? Just go read the book of Exodus, right? Exodus 1 starts with Pharaoh who's looking around and fearful of these Hebrew boys. Why? Because he wasn't afraid of Hebrew girls because they represented no threat to him, right? He's like, Ah, no, it's the boys who are going to rise up and fight against me.
But who does Yahweh use to thwart Pharaoh's plans? Two midwives, working professionals, and a whole bunch of other women all throughout the book of Exodus. If you can't tell, I'm a raging Jesus feminist with three daughters under my roof right now. And so I love that you asked this question.
There are certainly distinctions. And listen, we got to be careful here. There are differences in genders. God-appointed gender. God appointed differences in leadership within the home and within the church, right, which is not popular outside of the church. [00:19:01] But I can't get around God's word here. But both men and women are called all throughout scripture to roll up them sleeves and work hard at the work of the Lord of cultivating creation for His glory and the good of others.
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Laura Dugger: I think something I've been wrestling with lately is I wonder what lies Satan is whispering that we're not even aware of. And I think one piece is that it's sinful or unbiblical for women to work, especially to work outside the home. And I know God has a different call on everyone's life. But yeah, could you speak to that? We have four daughters. You have three daughters. This is-
Jordan Raynor: Oh my gosh, if I'm Satan, if I'm Satan, I would love nothing more than to convince 50% of the image of God not to bear God's image outside of the four walls of my home. That sounds like a pretty good strategy. That sounds like a killer strategy, right?
And listen, don't take my opinion for it. Don't take Laura's opinion for it. Go read the Word. I think when you open up God's Word, you're going to see that a lot of these... it's going to expose the lies. [00:21:43] By the way, Satan doesn't just peddle lies through nonbelievers. Just as frequently, I think we could say, Satan is peddling lies through well-intentioned believers. Lies about heaven and the new earth that we just talked about. Lies about work that I grew up believing as we talked about in the beginning of this. And I think lies about the role that women can joyfully and enthusiastically play working inside and outside the home for God's glory and the good of others.
Laura Dugger: So well said. I just completely agree that it's a both-and. They think some people are called inside the home and that is a worthy work, and some are not.
Jordan Raynor: 100%. By the way, my wife works full-time in the home. That is a noble calling that she's chosen for this season. And I'm so appreciative of that. But there have been other seasons where she hasn't chosen that. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
We're so obsessed with black... we're all Pharisees. [00:22:45] We love adding extra regulations and rules on top of God's Word, this extra-biblical junk to make ourselves feel superior to one another. And I think when we get back to the Word, we find a lot more freedom than we find in our churches and our pharisaical structures.
Laura Dugger: Okay, so then you and your wife, I'd love to hear the ages of your daughters and how you two are engaging with them and teaching or discipling them on topics like this.
Jordan Raynor: I've been married to Kara for 15 years now. She's the love of my life. I love her dearly. And we got three little girls. So Ellison is 10, Kate is 8, and Emery, we adopted at birth almost five years ago. It'll be five years, one month from today.
And yeah, discipling them is a challenge and a joy. I think the hardest part is just redeeming the time and making space for intentional time with them. [00:23:50] And we can talk about how we do that if you're interested.
But, you know, practically what discipleship looks like in our home is every morning around the breakfast table, I'm there with the girls memorizing God's word. And not just memorize it, but really talking about it. So take it a week, right? It's like, okay, we love because He first loved us. Who's He? What does that mean? How did Christ show that love to us? And what does it look like practically for us to show that love to others?
So scripture memorization and discussion of the scriptures is a big part of it. Don't hear me saying we do family devotionals. We don't. We're not that put together. We're not that formal. It's really just taking a passage of scripture and hiding it in their hearts and trying to make it as practical and actionable for the day as possible.
Then, two, we talk with our kids a lot. As much as we can, we are pointing them to God and His goodness in regular conversations. It may be specific studies. I'm writing books for kids. So I wrote a book called The Creator in You about the call to create that we see in Genesis 1. [00:24:51] I'm about to publish a second one called The Royal in You about ruling and working with Jesus on the new earth. So we're constantly talking about those themes.
And then also looking for really tactical physical things within the house to point them to Jesus. I'll give one example, then I'll shut up, and or you can follow up on anything you want. I was really convicted by a friend and again, this is at the risk of sounding pharisaical. I'm not saying this is a rule you got to do. This is just working for my family.
I said the word "awesome" like three times in a conversation. He's like, "Hey, only God is awesome." It really stopped me and maybe take stock of my words. I'm like, "Man, there should be a word awesome, amazing, whatever you want, right, whatever works for you works, but there should be a word that we reserve for God alone, right? Even holy. We talk about us being holy as God is holy, right?
And so we just decided we're going to reserve "awesome" for God. [00:25:50] And we put a jar, kind of like a swear jar in people's houses. We put a “not awesome” jar in the middle of our living room. And every time somebody says something's awesome, other than God, we have to put a buck in it. And then we donate that money to an orphanage that we love supporting.
But Laura, that sounds silly and really trivial, but guess what? In the last week, it's given me, I don't know, 15 opportunities to talk about how Jesus is better than any creative thing. Man, I'll do that all day long. I'm constantly looking for little things like that to latch on to, to talk about God's goodness, to talk about His awesomeness, and talk about the role that He's called us to play in bringing heaven to earth.
Laura Dugger: Wow. No, that doesn't sound silly at all. Actually, it just is in line with these themes, intentional in our work, intentional in our time, intentional in our words, and that matters.
Jordan Raynor: I love John Tyson and his book, The Intentional Father. [00:26:54] I'm the overly intentional father. I am too intentional. And that will show up in this conversation, I promise.
Laura Dugger: No, we celebrate that around here for sure. That was kind of my follow-up question you just alluded to, being intentional. Was it with getting time with your daughters? Do you and Kara have a system for that?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. Yeah, we do. Listen, this isn't going to come as a surprise to anybody listening. Our phones are enemy number one in our fight for deep work that we do in front of the laptop, but also the deep work of discipleship with our kids. And maybe the biggest game changer of my life and discipling my kids is that my kids never, almost never see me on my phone inside of my house. Outside my house for direction, sure.
I track this. I log every day that they see me. The last 90 days, my kids have seen me on my phone one time, inside of my house. [00:27:52] You better believe they know that dad loves them, but more importantly, it gives me more intentional space to be with them without being distracted.
And I know that sounds impossible to listeners. So let me give you five steps for cultivating this. If you want to do this, you're like, man, yeah, I would love to put my phone down for an hour and not think about it. Five steps. It's really simple to do, but it's going to take a lot of courage.
Number one, choose ahead of time when you want to check your texts and emails and asynchronous messages, right? It could be every hour. It could be on a, maybe say it's 10 a.m., 12 p.m., 2 p.m., 4 p.m., 6 p.m. That's it. Whatever.
Step two, build a list of VIPs who will have access to it all times and not just those predetermined times. So my VIPs are my wife, my kids' school, my assistant. It's pretty much it. Step three, pull out your phone and add all of your VIPs to your Favorites list if you're an iOS user or "Your people" list, if you're an Android user, that way, when you use just the basic out-of-the-box, do not disturb settings on your phone, only calls from those people come through. [00:28:57] Not their texts, not their emails, not every Instagram notification of people liking yet another picture of your dog, just phone calls from your VIPs.
Step four, you got to set clear expectations with your VIPs about your new response time. You send them a very simple message like this. I actually give you the template in the Redeeming Your Time book, but this is the gist. "Hey, I'm trying to be more focused with my kids at home." I know by the way, also at work, especially if you're sending this to your boss. "Here's how you can help me from now on. I'm only checking emails, texts, etc., at X, Y, and Z times. However, you're a VIP in my life. And so if you need me more urgently than that, do not text me, I won't see it. Don't email me. I won't see it. But if you call me on my cell, I'll answer every single time that I can."
Last step, step five, put your phone away for an hour and a half at a time. When you're with your kids, keep your phone out of sight, out of mind. For mine, I keep it in my master bathroom. It's on "do not disturb". I turn the ringer on. [00:29:58]
And here's what happens. I actually spent two and a half hours apart from my phone at nighttime from 5 to seven 30 p.m. every single night. And functionally what I've done is I've turned my cell phone into a landline, right? If the phone rings, I can go in there and see what VIP is calling and decide whether or not I want to answer it. But in all that other time, I am fully focused on my kids and the conversations I'm having with them about their day.
Laura, it's been a total, total game changer for me and for thousands and thousands of readers of Redeeming Your Time. This is one of 32 practices in the book, and I'm willing to bet it's probably in the top five of reader favorites.
Laura Dugger: Well, and I can see why that's incredible. And I'm curious, Jordan, do you know Joey Odom with Aro?
Jordan Raynor: I know Joey. I talked to Joey yesterday. I love Joey Odom.
Laura Dugger: Okay. He's wonderful. So we will link to an episode that he did on The Savvy Sauce. [00:31:00] If you're looking for more practical ways as well, like you said, putting your phone away, he just can contribute. I think that partners nicely.
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. And if you don't know Aro, go check out the episode. But basically it's an app on your phone. It's also a physical box that you can put the phone in. And it basically gamifies what I just explained.
So instead of me being accountable to care of my kids, I could theoretically share with my friends, "Hey, I spent two and a half hours today apart from my phone. Here's a screenshot of the evidence. I love what Joey and their team are doing. It's incredible.
Laura Dugger: And like you said, this is just one of the helpful suggestions in Redeeming Your Time. My husband and I have both benefited so much from that book.
Jordan Raynor: I love it. Thank you.
Laura Dugger: Well, yes. And thank you. But I'd love for you to walk us through the topics and the questions that we ask ourselves as we metaphorically go floor by floor through the building of intentional living.
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. Yeah. It's a great question. [00:32:00] You're asking about chapter four of the book, where I'm talking about prioritizing our yeses. And we hear about all these different terms when it comes to setting priorities. We talk about mission statements and callings and long-term goal, whatever. I just found it necessary for myself to bake the cake and put it all together. Be like, okay, give me one simple framework for thinking about all these things and how they connect to each other.
And so the metaphor I use in the book is this five-story building where on the fifth floor, the very top of this hotel, whatever you envision this building being is your mission in life that is over everything else. Listen, there are people selling books left and right, helping you discern the mission for your life. I'll let you off the hook for having to buy those. Listen, you didn't make yourself and so you don't get to choose the mission of your life. God does. Here's the mission of your life: to glorify God, period, full stop, right?
Now God in this goodness has given us a lot of freedom to choose the callings on the fourth floor of how we will live out that mission. But that's your mission, right? [00:33:05] So mission, fifth floor; fourth floor, next level down is callings. So I am called right now to be a husband, to be a father, and to be the CEO of Jordan Raynor company and create this content. That's it. I've chosen three callings, right?
The next level down are long-term goals. This is level three of the building, okay? Long-term goals. I am the biggest believer in the world in setting the biggest possible long-term goals, because in my experience, that's what helps me say no. If I have really small goals, I am getting sucked into the thick of thin things every single time.
So I would argue Christ's power should be setting the biggest long-term goals on the planet. By long-term, I'm talking at least a year, more likely three to five years, setting those long-term goals for each of your callings.
Then the next level down are short-term goals, which whatever works for you works. Maybe you want to set goals on a weekly basis, monthly basis. I love the quarterly cadence. [00:34:05] Every three months, looking at my long-term goals and setting quarterly goals that are attached to that.
And then the bottom floor, the first floor of this metaphorical building are what I call projects and actions. This is the tactical stuff. This is your to-do list born out of mission calling, long-term goals, short-term goals.
Okay. What are the specific projects and actions that I need to execute against over the next seven days, over the next quarter to make progress towards those goals? And then, as you know, Laura, there's a secret sixth floor to this building, which it doesn't deserve to be called a floor. It's the basement.
And this is what I call posteriorities. And this might be the most important. This is everything else that falls outside of what's already on my plate professionally and what falls under those short-term goals. Everything else goes into the basement of my mind in this metaphorical building. [00:35:05]
And so in my to-do list app, what I call my commitment tracking system, all of those projects and actions literally go in a separate folder called "Someday" that I only look at every 90 days. Once every 90 days, I look at that, decide if there's anything I want to pull out and work on over the next 90 days. But for the other, what is that, 89 days and a quarter, all of those things are out of sight, out of mind, so that I can fully focus on the work that I believe that God has called me to execute against over the next three months.
Laura Dugger: So good. Again, and these 90 days, let's zoom in on that. We also share a passion for the quarterly time, even the brain science behind it, that your brain can only be reminded and to hang on to a goal for 90 days. What does yours actually look like in these 90 days? Can you give us some examples in your own life of a goal for your calling and then ground floor what that looks like? [00:36:08]
Jordan Raynor: Yeah, I would be happy to. I'll show you some quarterly goals for the family. I got personal and professional short-term goals, quarterly goals. Here's a personal one. I really love the OKR framework, which if you're not familiar with it, Google made this famous, stands for objectives and key results.
So objectives are aspirational. They're the what you want to accomplish. And the key results are measurable and they tell you whether or not you reached the what. So, for example, this quarter, personally, objective. Strengthen my point of view on youth sports and whether or not it is in line with our family's goal to love like Jesus.
This one's going to hit for our audience. I have a feeling. Key result number one: read three credible articles from youth sports advocates and three articles from Detractors. [00:37:10]
Key result number two, post questions on this topic to at least two godly friends who have had their kids in serious youth sports and two who have intentionally chosen not to.
And then key result number three, draft a summary of my point of view on this topic and deliver it to Kara by December 31st.
All right. Let me give you a professional example. In this quarter, yeah, I'll share this, whatever. This is a little inside baseball, but it's fun. I can't say the name of it, but the objective is to sell my first TV show to Netflix or Amazon.
We're currently shopping a project right now. I actually only have one key result for this and it's to get one yes or three nos from A-list actors to agree to play the starring role in this show. So that's how I'll know. That's the progress I'm going to make towards that goal.
So that's just a couple of examples from my life. I obsess over this quote from Bill Gates though. I think this would be helpful for our listeners. [00:38:10] Gates once said that we human beings have the tendency to vastly overestimate what we can accomplish in a short period of time, i.e. a quarter, and vastly underestimate what we can do in a decade with what Eugene Peterson called long obedience in the same direction, right?
So if you take one thing from this conversation on goals, take that from Bill Gates. What you can get done in three months is virtually nothing, right? So set your goals accordingly. But what you can get done in a decade with long obedience in the same direction, you're not doing it, God's doing it through you is incredible.
Laura Dugger: I just wanted to let you know, there are now multiple ways to give when you visit TheSavvySauce.com. We now have a donation button on our website and you can find it under the donate page, which is under the tab entitled Support. Our mailing address is also provided if you would prefer to save us the processing fee and send a check that is tax deductible. [00:39:14]
Either way, you'll be supporting the work of Savvy Sauce charities and helping us continue to reach the nations with the good news of Jesus Christ. Make sure you visit TheSavvySauce.com today. Thanks for your support.
These examples are so helpful. I love practical examples because it helps me envision how to begin applying what I want to put into practice after a conversation like this one. My husband, Mark, and I will oftentimes reflect and look back on times that have been transformational in our lives. Typically, it's from practical application, you have to apply it, that leads to transformation. So, Jordan, will you give us maybe three to five habits or time savers or general best ways to steward our time?
Jordan Raynor: Oh, man, I'd love to. Honestly, the biggest one for me I've already shared, which is just taking control of when you check your messages. I cannot stress that enough. [00:40:19]
Let me give you a couple others. One, you want to do your most exceptional work, you've got to be getting a seven to eight-hour nightly sleep opportunity. The easiest way to practically do it is to just set a consistent bedtime. Most people have a fixed time at which they wake up, so it's simple math, right? Subtract from that, go back eight hours, that's your bedtime.
Gosh, you might not like the science. Trust me, I don't like the science, but the science is settled on this one. Most, 99% of human beings need seven to eight hours of sleep at night. That's a game-changer for me.
Honestly, weekly Sabbath has been a game-changing habit for me and my family that I think has made us much more productive in our goals.
I'll give you another one. Do one new thing at a time. In your work, in your life, you probably have a lot of recurring responsibilities based on work that you've created over the years. [00:41:19] With whatever time you have left over, the worst mistake, in my experience, that you can make is to try to do five new initiatives at once. You do one new thing at a time until it's done, and then when it's done, you move on to the next thing.
I'm trying to think of some other ones from the book. Yeah, I'll say this one. This is one of my favorite practices. It takes two seconds to start, but again, it takes a lot of courage. Quit the news cold turkey and let your friends curate the news for you. Why? How is this connected to time management, people ask me?
It could not be more relevant because all of this external noise is creating a lot of internal noise that blocks your ability to be loving, to think, to be creative, and listen to the voice of God. I know because I was the ultimate news junkie until eight years ago when I quit cold turkey. You know what happened when I quit cold turkey? Nothing. Nothing negative happened. [00:42:21]
What did happen is my friends started telling me about everything that I cared about, voluntarily. They have no idea they're doing this, but they're bringing me this. I spot-check from time to time. I'll go to CNN.com and say, did I really miss anything? Nope. 99% of the news is still totally irrelevant to my life and work. Great. Man, that's been a game-changer for me, Laura.
Laura Dugger: I did love that one about let your friends curate the news for you. Just one other follow-up. I want to circle back to the quarterly. Just as we're talking about practical application, how can someone start doing, if that's their first goal is to maybe plan something quarterly? How do you have a system in place to revisit these things every 90 days and what does that look like?
Jordan Raynor: That's a great question. I take a quarterly retreat. Ideally, this is for at least one night. Sometimes when things are really crazy, I just have to take a day to go do it. In that quarterly retreat, I'm doing a few things. [00:43:20]
First, I am just journaling the game that God has already produced in my work, the good things He's already done over the last three months.
Two, I'm just taking time to worship Him and praise Him for that. Remember that not only did I not deserve anything for the last three months, I certainly don't deserve anything over the next three months. It's putting me in this humble position of recognizing that the only thing I deserve is death due my sin. God has given me Christ and way more, and that puts me in a much healthier heart position to dream about what's next.
Then third step, I just journal off the top of my head without looking at any prompts what I think is most important over the next three months. I don't look at my to-do list because what's most important should be readily apparent to me. I shouldn't have to look at anything, right?
Number four, I review journal entries from the last 90 days as well as my to-do list to refine that journal entry about what I thought was most important. Maybe I forgot, oh yeah, Jordan, you're releasing a book in the next quarter. [00:44:25] We got to get ready for that or six months from now, whatever it is.
Then five, I am taking a first stab at drafting those objectives and key results. My rule is no more than five objectives in a given quarter and no more than five key results for each objective, which could mean 25 key results.
Most of the time for me, I wind up at one to three objectives total and one to, oh man, like 10 max key results in a quarter. Most recently, I've had between one and three key results, that's it, that I'm focused on the next 90 days.
Oh, by the way, I've been crushing it. The fewer key results that I'm setting, the quicker I'm getting my goals done. The last two quarters, I've hit my goals early for the quarter and I've had to go into that someday folder and pull new things out because I've gotten everything done. That feels great. [00:45:28]
Laura Dugger: That's incredible. That does feel great to get to check that off and go to the next thing. I want to see how people can apply this, but first also, maybe Sabbath is more so something that grabbed them. So can you share just a little glimpse of what that looks like? Because you said that's one of your most impactful habits.
Jordan Raynor: Oh yeah, absolutely. Sabbath starts with work, right? You got to work hard and work well if you want to be able to rest well. Maybe helpful to think about this, I'm doing all the work for two days in one. So we have chosen to enjoy the gift of Sabbath. Notice I didn't say observe Sabbath because that connotes life-sucking legalism.
We enjoy the gift of Sabbath from Saturday dinner time until Sunday dinner time. So Saturday afternoon, we are going through our Sabbath prep checklist. That includes cleaning up the house, picking everything up so we're not distracted, packing bags and waters for church the next day, making a plan for Sabbath. [00:46:33] So who do we want to hang out with? Texting and coordinating those plans ahead of time so we're not attached to our phones on Sabbath itself, doing laundry, running the dishwasher.
And then when we get to the end, I'm sending my phone on a 24-hour vacation. So I mentioned spending two and a half hours apart from my phone each night. On Sabbath, it is on airplane mode for 24 hours.
Then we kick off Sabbath by just feasting. So Sabbath to us is... I love how Kevin DeYoung put it. It's an island of get-to and a sea of have-to. We try to do nothing on that I have to-do list and only things on that get to-do list.
So that starts a feasting on some of our favorite foods. We get takeout. So cleanup's really easy. So we're Chewy's Mexican or good Chinese food, whatever. We light a candle to kick off Sabbath so that it always smells like Sabbath in my house, which is usually pumpkin pecan waffles, even when it's like July in Florida, which makes no sense. [00:47:33]
Then Saturday night's pretty chill, watching a little bit of TV with the kids, whatever. They're going to bed. On Sunday, this is my one day a week where I sleep in. My wife sleeps in the other six days of the week. I sleep in, Kara gets up with the kids. It's the one day a week of the week where they get to watch a full-length movie, which they're super pumped about, and don't judge me, drink coffee. So they get to drink coffee on Sabbath.
My kids wake up super early, so they can finish the movie before church. On the way to church is one of my favorite traditions where we stop and get donuts on the way and the whole drive we're talking about what we're thankful for from the past week. So just looking back, what are we grateful for? And then what do we want to adore God for about His character based on what He's done and what we've seen Him do and what we're thankful for the past week?
We then go feast on the word with our church family and then come back, have lunch at the house. We don't do the lunch after church thing to us. That's a little exhausting. [00:48:31] So we come home, have lunch here.
And then Sunday afternoons are pretty chill. A lot of times we're just playing games or swimming in the pool. This past Sunday, we went for a walk and let the kids climb some trees. But just a day to slow down and catch up to our souls and just be and remind ourselves that we are loved and valued, even when we're not being productive, that our heavenly Father does not need us. He wants us to quote my friend, [Scott Jotani? 00:49:05] And man, it's been a total game-changer.
I'll end with this. I saw a mentor who I hadn't seen in years. I think this was last summer. And we were on vacation in Rhode Island. I talked to my mentor for about an hour and he texted me after I left his house and he's like, "Hey, you seem way more rested than I saw you the last five years ago." And it's not vacation rest. He called that out. He's like, "This is not vacation rest. What is this?" I was like, "It's Sabbath." He's like, "That's what I thought. That's what I thought."
People can feel it. People know when they're in the presence of somebody who is living and working out of a Sabbath rest. So I would encourage you to try it. Treat it as an experiment. Don't say, "We're going to do this for the rest of our lives. Try it for four weeks. Try it for six weeks. Give it a shot. And I think you'll be blown away at how healthy it is, both for your soul and for the goals that you're chasing after the rest of the week. [00:50:10]
Laura Dugger: Okay. Challenge accepted. So great. So then bringing this home for someone, if they need to get quiet, get with the Lord, and just see what's bubbling up for them, do you have any other recommended Scripture, places to start, or questions for reflection or anything just to point us in the right direction?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. I would just point you to the Gospels and the way of Jesus. We read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John almost exclusively for their theology and the ethic of Jesus and they certainly have a lot to say about that. But as my friend John Mark Comer has pointed out, the Gospels are also biographies of Jesus' life. And I don't know about you, but I want to redeem my time in the model of my Redeemer. He is the key to the whole thing.
By the way, even non-Christians can get on board with this. I'll tell non-Christians all the time, like, hey, Christian or not... pretty hard to dispute that Jesus was the most productive person to ever walk the earth. [00:51:09] And we know how He managed His time. And no, the Gospels don't show Him with a to-do list or a smartphone, but they show Him dealing with distractions at work. One time a guy literally dropped through the roof over Jesus' head while He was working and preaching. Unless that's happening to you, you're not more distracted than Jesus was, right?
They show Him seeking to be busy without being hurried. They show Him having to dissent from the kingdom of noise to think. And so, man, you want to redeem your time toward eternal ends? Look to the author of time, Jesus of Nazareth in the Gospel biographies.
Laura Dugger: This has been incredible to lay the foundation for our own lives, which is great to put into practice first. But as we're tying it all up to, how can we pass along this wisdom to our children?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. Number one, just talk about the biblical narrative of work and productivity that your kids are probably not hearing in Sunday school. [00:52:11] I know because I see the Sunday school curriculum. I'm an elder in our church. They're not seeing it.
Point them to Genesis 1 and 2. Point them to the fact that we worship a God who works and created us to work and be productive and redeem our time in His image. And you can do that through Genesis 1 and 2. You can fast forward to Revelation 21 and 22 and Isaiah 65 that talks about work and productivity for eternity on the new earth.
Then I do have a couple of picture books that I wrote for kids as a tool, as a resource for you to communicate the why of redeeming your time, the why of work to your kids. They're called The Creator in You, which is this artistic interpretation of Genesis 1 and 2, and The Royal in You, which is the opposite book into scripture in Revelation 21 and 22.
And my prayer for this book is that it will... your kids may not admit this to you, but if they're anything like I was as a kid, if they're anything like my kids used to be, your kids view heaven with confusion, boredom, and maybe even fear. [00:53:18] And that's tragic because God's word replaces all of that with biblical clarity, excitement, and hope.
And that's my prayer for this book, that based on God's word, it would expand the vision of kids and, frankly, grownups to view heaven in the new earth with that clarity, excitement, and hope, all to God's greater glory and our greater joy.
Laura Dugger: A worthy vision indeed. We will certainly link to those resources in the show notes. Jordan, this time has been so enjoyable, but I still have one question for you because we are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. And so as my final question for you today, what is your Savvy Sauce?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah, honestly, I've shared a lot of the practical answers to that. We started the conversation theological, went practical, let's end theological. My savvy sauce lately is that I spend a lot of time thinking about where I see myself professionally in five million years, not five years like you were asked in a job interview. [00:54:30]
Because again, God's word promises that we will work free from the curse of sin. And here's why, and here's how this connects to redeeming the time. The more that I've meditated on that promise of long enjoying the work of my hands, I am far less hurried in the present.
Because I spent years, Laura, worrying about finishing my life's work, of getting it all done. I got to get past this business because I still want to do X, Y, and Z in my life, right? But knowing that I'm going to have eternity to work for God's glory, I am free from all of those burdens and just so much less hurried because here's what's going to happen.
When I die with unfinished symphonies, and all of us will die with unfinished symphonies and to-do lists, either God is number one, going to tap somebody else on the shoulder and have them pick up that work and finish it, praise God. [00:55:29] Number two, He's going to finish that work by himself with no human involvement, praise God. Or number three, when I arise from the nap that is death, God in his goodness and generosity will put that unfinished symphony back in my hands and give me the joy of finishing it free from the curse of sin, praise God.
Either way, I don't lose. If the things on my to-do list are on God's to-do list, He will finish them. And as I've thought about that and work on the new earth, it has just been radical in slowing me down and recognizing that eternity is now in session and I don't have to finish it all before I die. It's been a tremendous gift that the Lord has given me. So I would encourage our listeners to do the same.
Laura Dugger: Yes. Well, Jordan, clearly God has gifted you with being a vision caster, a visionary, a leader, and I just appreciate this conversation is oozed with your love of Kara and your daughters and our Lord and has been, like you said, theological and practical. [00:56:41] I just have learned so much. So thank you for being intentional about redeeming your time. It really is a way that you are loving others and loving God well, and I just appreciate you. So thank you for being my guest.
Jordan Raynor: Thank you, Laura.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:57:43] This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Feb 24, 2025
Monday Feb 24, 2025
Special Patreon Re-Release: God, Sex, and Your Marriage: Interview with Dr. Juli Slattery
*DISCLAIMER* This interview includes some adult themes and is not intended for young ears.
**Transcription Below**
Matthew 9:37 (NIV) "Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few."
Questions we discuss:
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For many couples, sex can be a difficult area of marriage and you encourage people that is normal, but you also warn us not to confuse normal with healthy. What is normal for married couples and what is healthy, as it relates to sexual intimacy in marriage?
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What is God's genius chemical cocktail that we experience during sex?
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Will you give a brief overview of your four pillars of intimacy?
Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, author, speaker and broadcast media professional with over twenty-five years of experience counseling, and teaching women. She’s the president and co-founder of Authentic Intimacy, a unique ministry devoted to teaching God’s design for intimacy and sexuality. In 2020, Juli launched SexualDiscipleship.com, a platform designed to help Christian leaders navigate sexual issues and questions with gospel-centered truth. She hosts a weekly podcast, Java with Juli, where she answers tough questions about relationships, marriage, and spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. www.authenticintimacy.com
Other Episodes with Dr. Juli Slattery on The Savvy Sauce:
Passion Pursuit with Dr. Juli Slattery
Patreon 26 Holy Sex with Dr. Juli Slattery
Life-Giving Marriage with Dr. Juli Slattery
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
I'm grateful for today's sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Check them out online to place your order for dining or catering, or to fill out an application to join their friendly team. Visit cfaeastpeoria.com.
Hey friends, I wanted to share some exciting news with you. Savvy Sauce Charities has officially received our confirmation from the IRS that all donations are tax deductible. I know that we have super generous listeners, so we wanted to let you know you can now mail your check to Savvy Sauce Charities, P.O. Box 101, Roanoke, Illinois, 61561. Thanks in advance for supporting Savvy Sauce Charities. [00:01:24]
And now I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons. Dr. Juli Slattery is my returning guest today. She has written another fantastic book entitled God, Sex, and Your Marriage. And now she's going to give us a healthy vision for sexual intimacy in marriage and share actionable ways that we can grow in maturity and delight and health in our relationship with our spouse.
Here's our chat.
Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Juli.
Dr Juli Slattery: Oh, thanks so much for having me.
Laura Dugger: Well, even from the get-go on the dedication page of your book, you dedicate it to your brothers and sisters in Christ, some who have labored before you, and some who now work alongside you in reclaiming God's design for sex. You quote the last part of Matthew 9:37, when you say, "The field is ripe for the harvest, but the laborers are few." [00:02:28] Will you elaborate on what you mean by this?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. I think within the field of Christian sexuality, there are things that we can disagree on. Some of those conversations can be characterized by looking back at what people have written before and being critical of that or looking at the ways that we disagree today on different topics and how we apply the scriptures.
So as I was wrapping up this book, I just have such a heart for unity in the body of Christ and recognize that there are so few people that really want to see God reclaim biblical sexuality, that I just want us to link arms and to work together, to learn from each other, to give honor to each other, and just to be in the trenches, like encouraging one another, instead of focusing on maybe where we differ. [00:03:25]
So that's kind of the heart of it, as well as just a gratitude for the people that have gone before us, the people that were speaking and writing on this topic over the last few decades. Again, I think we're looking back and saying purity culture was horrible and, you know, like just be with more of a critical eye, which we need to learn from the past. But I think, you know, I just really want to have a spirit of graciousness and unity as we say, Hey, we're kind of working off of the shoulders of the people who have been really pioneers in this field.
Laura Dugger: I think that goal of unity is such a worthy one. For so many couples, sex can be a difficult area of marriage. And you write that this is very normal, but you also warn us not to confuse normal with healthy. You go on to write, and I'll just quote it here, "Just consider that the normal American is overweight, overstimulated, exhausted, and lonely." [00:04:29] So, Juli, from your perspective, what is normal for married couples and what is healthy as it relates to sexual intimacy in marriage?
Dr. Juli Slattery: I would say normal is a lot of conflict around sex, frustration, unfulfilled desires, lack of communication. They don't know how to talk about sex or navigate conflict around just differences. I think it's normal for there to be some level of pornography in a marriage. One or both of the individuals bringing in a history of pornography and a struggle with pornography. I think it's normal to have a lot of confusion and shame just around being a sexual person.
So those are all sort of the normal barometer of what I see as I talk to married Christian couples. Again, I think there's peace in knowing, okay, we have good company around us. We're not the only couple struggling with these things, but I also don't want that to be a message that things should just stay the way they are. [00:05:35]
Laura Dugger: I love that. Can you elaborate then on what is healthy?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. So healthy is sort of the opposite of what I've mentioned. Healthy is that there's healthy, regular communication around sex. So a couple can talk about not just how often they want to have sex, but the deeper issues of what does sex represent for me as an individual? What does it represent for us as a couple? Being able to talk through things from the past, past wounds and shame, and being able to seek the Lord together. It's healthy to honor each other in their sexual relationship, honor the differences that they might be bringing of sexual desire and what they're hoping for in their sexual relationship, navigating together the challenges that they face, but navigating as a team.
So the challenges of we have no energy because we're exhausted with little kids or the challenges of one of us might be working through some trauma from the past, the challenges of how do we address the pornography in our marriage and how do we learn to enjoy each other within our own covenant? [00:06:46]
So those are kind of the markers of a healthy sex life. I don't think there are many couples who would just say automatically, we were there when we first got married. But unfortunately, I think there are also not a lot of couples who would say we're actually working towards those goals. Instead, we have a tendency to just kind of stay stuck where we are.
Laura Dugger: I think an obvious answer would be that communication is going to help us move in that direction of health. But if this healthy vision sounds wonderful, how do people actually engage in this? What are a few of the first steps they can take?
Dr. Juli Slattery: I think one of the first steps is just really broadening your horizon of what God created sex to be. And really, it's taking a step back and asking yourself the question, what do you think a good sex life is actually supposed to look like from a Christian standpoint? [00:07:45]
I think it's fascinating for couples to have that conversation and, first of all, to see where they differ in their understanding of what a good sex life is meant to be, but also where they struggle to flesh it out because there just hasn't been a lot of great teaching on, how do we as a couple even have the same goals related to our sex life.
That was the main reason why I wrote God, Sex, and Your Marriage was to give Christian married couples a vision for what God created sex to be and to have them together agree on, here's what our mature sex life is meant to look like and we want to start working toward that. But if you don't know what you're working toward, then you're just going to stay stuck.
Laura Dugger: I appreciate resources like this. If anybody's listened to any of our other topics on sexual intimacy on The Savvy Sauce, you know that we recommend reading a book, ideally with each other. But even if it's just you reading it yourself, there's so much to glean. [00:08:49] And like you said, Juli, you're casting this vision.
But then even as you read this aloud to one another or you each read a chapter and then come together and discuss, it gets you comfortable talking about this language and it brings up even more questions like you just mentioned that can be natural conversation starters.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, that's a great suggestion for every married couple, including myself and my husband. I guess something that we've tried to do throughout our marriage is to be reading a book on sex together, preferably, as you mentioned, out loud, because it really does get you comfortable in terms of just what language to use and what it's like to have a conversation around sex.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. So just really, I've thought this so many times, but thank you for the labor and the work you put into putting this resource together so that we have an option that we can trust.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, well, I think we tend to write the books that we would want to read. So, yeah, a lot of it has just come out of our own journey. [00:09:49]
Laura Dugger: Well, and I agree with another point that you make in the book when you talk about sex being so important to God and so we can expect it to constantly be under spiritual attack. So will you just tell us more about that idea?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. I think the average Christian, as you look at the cultural landscape, there's no question that sex is under attack and that we see it distorted and we see it being such a confusing topic for our kids, for just our culture. We can recognize that and we can look at different ways that sex is being used against us in our world today, but we're less likely to see how that's happening within our own marriages.
But I think just being aware of the fact that Satan hates everything God made as beautiful, and sex is such a powerful picture of God's covenant love, of the fact that he created us for intimate unity. That Satan really wants to twist that. And he'll do it any way he can. [00:10:56] He'll do it through shame. He'll do it through us even having a very limited perspective of what sex should be. He'll do it through dividing you and having sex be the main source of conflict in your marriage. He'll do it through pornography and marital affairs and betrayal.
I think we have to be on the lookout and say, hey, this really is a spiritual terrain, not just in the world at large, but it's a spiritual terrain within my own heart and within our marriage.
Laura Dugger: But then you don't leave us there with that message of attack because in that same chapter you conclude with this quote: "God's power to redeem is greater than Satan's power to destroy." So, Juli, how have you seen that practically played out in couples' lives?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Boy, I've just been so blessed to see that played out over and over again. In the ministry that I run, Authentic Intimacy, we've been doing this for a decade now. [00:11:56] I can't explain it, but all I can tell you is that when an individual or a couple begins to really get God's perspective of sexuality, when they alone or together begin to surrender this area of their life to God, you just see change, you see healing, you see redemption, you see freedom where there once was shame and lies.
It's commonplace in our ministry to see that, which is amazing because every life that's redeemed really is a work of God. But the scripture says that His word doesn't return void, but it accomplishes what it's sent out to do. And I get to see that. I get to see that as couples are healing and recovering from betrayal, as people are looking to get set free from pornography, as people are trying to navigate the impact of past trauma and what that's done to their sex life, as couples are confronting some of the anger or bitterness or selfishness that have developed over the years because of their differences and sexual desire. [00:13:03] I've just gotten to see all those sort of things redeemed by God's power, and sex starts to become something that really does unify a husband and wife together.
Laura Dugger: Well, that makes so much sense because I've been convicted so many times and had to be reminded when God will gently call me back to Himself where I've shared a struggle with my husband, or if I'm questioning something in parenting and I'm just thinking on it and ruminating on it, God will gently remind me, come to Me with this, share with Me. And in the same way, with the topic of sex, you're encouraging us in this book to invite God to fight for us, and it's really His strength and power that can heal us in this sacred space.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. It makes so much sense, Laura. But in reality, I think most of us kind of bar God from our sex lives. We don't realize we do it, but we never praise a married couple about our sex lives.[00:14:07] We never invite God into our shame. We never even think or want to think about the fact that He's present with us in the bedroom because that sort of creeps us out.
But if you're trying to fight a spiritual battle with your own strength and you're barring God's presence from that place, then you're not going to win it. I had to confront this in my own life in marriage many years ago. I didn't realize how much I was doing that, but I think because the church has been so silent on sex over the years, we just naturally have this sort of separate category of sexuality where God doesn't enter. So, boy, what a powerful thing to begin surrendering this to the Lord and asking for His wisdom and His help.
Laura Dugger: Powerful indeed. I remember one wife shared with me they don't pray together about sex out loud, but she has prayed before, even when they're in the act, and just shared real-time, Okay, Lord, I'm having a really hard time experiencing orgasm, and I would love to experience that today, so can you help me get there?" [00:15:16] And she said the results have been incredible. And I just think He cares so much about every detail of our lives that I love that story and what she shared because I think it shows His heart that He wants to share delight with us, and He's created this.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, it brings God honor and pleasure when a married couple enjoys sex to the fullest because that's what He created it for. I think somehow we've bought this lie that God's embarrassed of our sexuality or it's a necessary evil, instead of it being something that we clearly see in the Song of Solomon and Proverbs chapter 5 and other places in Scripture that God delights in this. He created sex for this purpose.
And part of fighting the spiritual battle that we face in our world is reclaiming the ground of what sex looks like in our marriage. And so there are a lot of people who are frustrated at what's happening to their kids or what's happening to our culture, but at the same time they don't fight for godly sexuality within the space of their own bedroom. [00:16:22] And that really is where the battle begins, is in our own hearts and our own lives.
Laura Dugger: Well, let's now discuss the four pillars of intimacy, and hopefully you can just give a brief overview of each. Beginning with faithfulness and specifically, why do you write that holy jealousy is good?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. If I can back up just for a minute, the whole premise of this book is that God created sex within marriage to be a form of revelation. Like through marriage and sexuality, the Scripture says God is revealing to us what his covenant love is like. And we see that in the Old Testament in God's covenant relationship with Israel and how often He used language of marriage and sexuality as a metaphor to explain His love for Israel.
Then in the New Testament we see the same thing happen with Jesus' relationship with the church. We see all this bridal language, intimacy language, sexual language to express what covenant looks like between Christ and His bride. [00:17:35] And I know for a lot of people that's sort of a mind shift, but if you can think about it this way, God creates the physical world in order to reveal Himself to us. So God has created marriage and sexuality as a form of revelation to reveal for us this special relationship of covenant.
So what I did with these four pillars of covenant love is say, OK, if God's love, if His covenant love is like this, then this is what defines a healthy sex life. So I broke down these four aspects of God's love for His covenant people and then applied it to sexuality.
So the first pillar that I talk about there is faithfulness. That faithfulness is the very foundation of any covenant. That a covenant isn't a relationship that's based on what feels good or what I feel like doing in the moment. It's a relationship based on your character, on your promise.
Part of that is that within covenant you have a sacred sense of belonging to each other. And so there is a holy jealousy within covenant. [00:18:43] And we see this in God's relationship with Israel where God actually says, My name is jealous. I am jealous for you. I'm a jealous God. And when you worship other gods, I'm angry.
That seems to be true within the covenant of marriage, that sexually we belong to each other exclusively, and there should be a healthy anger, protectiveness, and even jealousy if that exclusivity isn't honored. So, Laura, for example, I was talking to a woman who her marriage was in bad shape. There had been conflict over many years, there had been pornography addiction, and her husband cheated on her. And she said, "I was so dead that I wasn't even angry. My love for him was so dead that I didn't even get mad." [00:19:43] You'd be like, "Why would she not get mad? Is that a sign of health to not get mad when your husband cheats?" No. That's a sign of a very dysfunctional relationship, of a covenant that's dead.
So a healthy marriage means that we fight for each other and we protect our sexual relationship and that if there is a violation, then there is reason to be upset,there is reason to be angry. I think this is so key that we talk about you really can't build anything else in your sex life if you don't have faithfulness. That's the bare minimum foundation.
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsors.
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Laura Dugger: Can you elaborate about the chemical cocktail and why God is so genius in this creation?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, sure. You know, I think one of the reasons that we really struggle with faithfulness is because we believe at a heart level that marriage is more about attractiveness and getting our sexual needs met than believing that marriage is about covenant. And one of the ways that I explain that is just to show, you know, God has designed new sex and a new relationship to elicit different kinds of chemicals in our brain than a long-term relationship and long-term sexual interaction.
So the new relationship is going to have adrenaline and a neurotransmitter called PEA. And together, adrenaline and PEA make you feel like there's this huge output of dopamine, which is the pleasure hormone of the brain. [00:24:34] And so it makes you feel intoxicated. It makes you feel like you're on a drug.
This is why pornography is so addictive. But God has given that cocktail in the beginning of a relationship, in the beginning of seeing each other naked for the first time, so that it would be a cementing kind of experience for a husband and wife. Unfortunately, our world has really hijacked that with pornography and other sexual offerings. But God's design is that you shouldn't be able to forget your honeymoon. Like it should be like a cementing experience for you.
But then as you're married for a while and you have sex regularly, you don't get that same adrenaline and PEA unless you're doing something kind of fun or new or exciting. But in general, you'll get just kind of output of oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. It connects you to your spouse. And you also get endorphins, which is sort of a feel-good, all-is-well-with-the-world kind of neurotransmitter. [00:25:39]
And so God has designed a married sex life to have elements of both of these, of new and exciting things, say, for example, on your anniversary or you go away for a vacation and you're really focusing on your sex life, but also to have these bonding and feel-good chemicals to take place just in the normal course of life.
But, Laura, what happens is we get addicted to that new and exciting, and so we kind of begin to neglect the sexual relationship and instead are tempted by what's going to make us immediately feel good in the moment. So that's kind of just understanding how God wired our sexuality and, again, why He's a genius, but also understanding how, if we're not wise, that wiring can be worked against us.
Laura Dugger: That's so helpful to be wise in all of that. Just the incredible amounts that He gives us. You had cited another source that says men can have their oxytocin levels raised more than 500% after orgasm. [00:26:49] That may be why they're able to open up more emotionally after they've connected sexually. You also talk about the bonding agent of vasopressin. Would you like to share anything about that?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. So the two hormones, oxytocin and vasopressin, kind of go together. Vasopressin is kind of more, from what I understand, like the male form of oxytocin. But these hormones have been shown, as you mentioned, to bond people together, to make a man feel more connected and more likely to be vulnerable.
And interestingly, there's even some studies that show that a man whose body is rich with this oxytocin and vasopressin is less likely to be attracted to another woman. So some people will call it the fidelity hormone.
But when you begin to understand this as a wife, that regular sex with my husband is helping him feel emotionally closer to me, is fostering vulnerability and connection, is helping him to focus on me and me to focus on him, it helps with temptation that comes from the outside. [00:28:02]
And that's not at all to put pressure on a wife to say it's your job to keep your husband faithful. But it is to recognize that God has created sex to be a very powerful experience that is meant to bond you together. And you want to use that for the advantage of your marriage instead of allowing the enemy to use it as something that could tear you apart.
Laura Dugger: That's so good. There's so much there in that first pillar of faithfulness. But for the second pillar of intimate knowing, what separates that intimate knowing from what you call a sanctified hookup?
Dr. Juli Slattery: I think, again, we have to go back to God's covenant love to understand what we're working towards. And if you have been in a covenant relationship with God through Jesus Christ for any amount of time, hopefully you've learned that one of the goals of your relationship with God is to know Him more intimately, to say, Hey, I know God and Jesus more intimately today than I did five years ago. [00:29:07] And through the struggles of life, through the highs and the lows, I've developed intimacy with the Lord.
Jesus talks about this when he talks about, you know, being so intimately connected to Him, it's like a vine in a branch. Like we're in communion all the time. So when we apply that to our sexual relationship, the goal of sex is not just to have our bodies exchange fluids, but it's to be on a journey together of deep knowing of sharing with each other.
Just like in our relationship with God, the valleys, the difficulties, actually are when intimacy can be forged even greater than when things are going well. And I think this is really important because for most married couples, they're going to experience some real challenges in their sex life.
Dr. Juli Slattery: challenges in their sex life and instead of just saying, well, we can't enjoy each other or we have different desires, looking at that as an opportunity of, how do I know my spouse more intimately because of the challenge that we're experiencing? [00:30:12]
When I work with couples who are going through difficulties like infertility or somebody's struggle with pornography or somebody's struggle with healing, what those couples will say is now we're beginning to talk at a deeper level than do you want to have sex or not. Now, we're talking about my shame underneath my sexuality or my frustration that I walked into marriage with these expectations and now I feel like they're not being met. So you're beginning to communicate about your heart, you're beginning to share the sexual journey.
Unfortunately I think there are a lot of married couples who don't see this. All they think of is sex. It's just what our bodies are doing instead of really looking at it as an opportunity to forge intimacy at a much deeper level.
Laura Dugger: The third pillar is sacrificial giving. I'd love for you to share your personal story about God calling you to sacrificial giving. [00:31:15]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. One of the things that I've shared in my own life is that I'd say for the first 10 or 15 years of marriage, sex was one of those things that I wasn't very interested in, my husband was more interested in and particularly when we had three little boys running around the house, you know, I really avoided sex. I really didn't want to engage with it. I would always look for sort of the opportunity in the evening to say, “Hey, I need to do my devotions. This is my time.”
I remember going through that period of marriage where I would spend time with God usually in the evening and there would be times where it was like the Lord was really asking me, like if you really want to love Me and serve Me, why haven't you surrendered this area of your life to me?
And He began to just really prompt me to look at what it is to say, how do I love my husband sexually? How do I look at the conflict that I have within my own heart around sexuality and really begin to ask the Lord to heal that and to help me to enjoy what He has given me in marriage? [00:32:27] But during that season it was a lot of, how do I lay aside my own agenda and really understand my husband's sexual drive? How do I understand what would please him?
And Laura I just think a lot of us go into marriage and we think the sexual aspect of marriage will be something that won't require anything from us, that we just get to get, we get to receive. And for sure God has designed us to receive sexually, but He's also designed us so that we have to give sexually.
Why would he do that? Like people are like, why is God so cruel to make sex so difficult to navigate? But what God began to show me is He wants me to learn to love as Christ loves. Christ's love for us has always been sacrificial. And our love for Him in covenant is called to be sacrificial. We're called to lay down our own lives and take up the cross and follow Him. [00:33:30]
So I think there's something beautiful when we begin to understand that part of a healthy sex life is both the husband and wife approaching this with the attitude of, how do I serve you? How do I love you well? And when a husband and wife both have that attitude, the level of intimacy and even the level of pleasure has such a greater capacity than when we approach sexuality with just the mindset of what can I get from it.
Laura Dugger: Will you go even a little bit more specific with one of those quiet times with the Lord? What were you praying about? And what did he lead you to do?
Dr. Juli Slattery: So I was praying, you know, Lord, I just really want to know how to love You more and serve You. Like it was a time in my life where the Lord really was calling me deeper. What I just felt the Lord prompting me to do is to initiate sex with my husband.
I remember just kind of arguing with God in that moment, like, this is my time with You. You know, I think sometimes when we spend time with the Lord and we're studying the scripture, He wants us to actually put the Bible down and walk out what He's called us to do in his scripture. [00:34:45] And it was during that season of life again where God was just prompting me.
That night, that evening was the first time just prompting me like, hey, if you want to love Me more, if you want to know what My love is like, then go up and engage with your husband, because he's the one I've given you to love and he's the one I've given to love you. That really started us on a journey that didn't happen immediately, but over years of really surrendering this to God, we've learned what it is to serve each other and love each other well sexually.
Laura Dugger: And I'll just paraphrase from page 108 when that evening you sheepishly shared with your husband, when you came up and kind of surprised him and just said, "I was praying and it was like, God told me to come up here and initiate sex with you." And I love his response. He said, "No way! I was praying, asking God to tell you to do that." [00:35:44]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, that's a true story. That really happened. So yeah, it's amazing how God works.
Laura Dugger: I love that so much. I want to make sure that you're up to date with our latest news. We have a new website. You can visit TheSavvySauce.com and see all of the latest updates. You may remember Francie Hinrichsen from Episode 132, where we talked about pursuing our God-given dreams. She is the amazing businesswoman who has carefully designed a brand new website for SavvySauce Charities, and we are thrilled with the final product.So I hope you check it out.
There you're going to find all of our podcasts, now with show notes and transcriptions listed, a scrapbook of various previous guests, and an easy place to join our email list to receive monthly encouragement and questions to ask your loved ones, so that you can have your own practical chats for intentional living. [00:36:45]
You will also be able to access our donation button or our mailing address for sending checks that are tax deductible, so that you can support the work of SavvySauce Charities and help us continue to reach the nations with the good news of Jesus Christ. So make sure you visit TheSavvySauce.com.
I just appreciate those personal stories, even how when you were meeting with the Lord, having your quiet time, how He called you to go and seek your husband. There's a part of Matthew 5:23-24, that illustrates this as well. It just says, "Therefore, if you're offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them. Then come and offer your gift."
I just appreciate how the Lord even values that horizontal relationship first and the restoration there, and then you come back and reconnect vertically as well. [00:37:49]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Boy, it's true. Like that's the living out of our love for a God, for sure. There's also scripture that talks about like, if you say that you love Me, but you're not loving your brother, then your love for me isn't genuine. So I'm paraphrasing there. But you know, the scripture that I think has really gotten me over the years that I don't think many people apply to sexuality, is when Jesus is teaching at the Sermon on the Mount, and He says, even pagans know how to be kind to those who are kind to them. Like even pagans know how to greet those who greet them. But I say to you, love your enemies and do good to those who persecute you.
Not that my husband is my enemy, or was persecuting me, but the attitude of even a pagan wife knows how to love her husband well, when he's doing everything she wants, when he's attractive to her, when he's bringing her flowers, when he's attentive. But it requires the supernatural love of God for us to reach inside of ourselves and love in a way that is sacrificial. [00:39:01]
God wants us to become great lovers. He wants us to learn to love like He loves. And that's not a natural love that the average husband or wife can accomplish on their own strength. It's something that comes through intimacy with God and through saying, Lord, I want to become more like you in every area of my life. And again, our sexual relationship is not excluded from that. It perhaps can be the most challenging and vulnerable aspect of showing us how to love like God loves us.
Laura Dugger: Just one more thing to draw out of your chapter. I appreciated your balance between encouraging us to ask ourselves, are we being a cheerful giver? Then you also quote our mutual friend, Michael Sytsma, who is a pastor and also a certified sex therapist and author and speaker, that he says, the Bible does talk about fasting, but speaks far more about the feasting. [00:40:06]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Dr. Sytsma is just a wealth of wisdom on this topic. I've learned a lot from him. And that really sort of ushers in that fourth pillar of covenant love. So we've covered faithfulness, intimate knowing, sacrificial giving, but the fourth pillar is passionate celebration.
God has designed sex to be a passionate celebration of our covenant with each other. It is the way in our bodies that we remember, and we rejoice together that we've covenanted our lives to one another. God created sex to be pleasurable. He created the climax, He created the dopamine centers in our brain that go off with great delight when we experience sex with each other.
This is an important pillar. If you're looking at your sex life, and you say, okay, we're faithful to each other, and we're building intimate knowing, and I have a servant attitude, but I experienced no pleasure, then something's wrong with your sex life. [00:41:10] That's something that you need to work toward as an individual and as a married couple. There are a lot of Christian women who would identify with that, who would say, yeah, I do this primarily for my husband. I don't really love it. I don't really know how to enjoy it.
I would say to that woman that that's not the fullness of what God has designed for your sex life to look like in a marriage. He may be challenging you as he's challenged me over the years to really work on what does it look like for me to enjoy this gift, not just to be a giver of it, but also to be a receiver of it.
Laura Dugger: If anybody has their book, I'm thinking specifically, there is this part on page 133, where you draw out some fascinating discoveries about passionate celebration even in our relationship with the Lord, what that looks like, but how that transfers to the marriage as well. [00:42:10] Just things that we wouldn't think of: prayer and singing releasing certain bonding hormones.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. Yeah. So when you think about like our gatherings as a church body on Sundays or whenever you gather, what you're doing is you're gathering as part of the Bride of Christ. Usually we think of our Sunday services about the message. Yeah, the message is an important part, but it's not the most important part of our gathering. Our gathering is to express our love to our Savior and to our husband, to our heavenly Father, to all of it. We're rejoicing in Him. We're worshiping him as a collective group.
And what the research has shown is that when people gather together and they sing together out loud and when they dance, the same kind of chemicals are released in their brain as are released during sex. So they're getting the dopamine, they're getting the endorphins, they're getting the oxytocin. [00:43:15]
So when God's people get together and sing together and worship the Lord together, they're actually getting that same bonding hormone that unites you as the family of God, as a husband and wife would get together as they celebrate their covenant. So it's been really cool for me to study and to see these parallels of what God designed His relationship with us to be like, and then also what He designed marriage to be like. And to see that in many ways, even our bodily and neurological response will mirror each other.
Laura Dugger: It's just incredible to learn more about those relationships. Juli, as we seek to apply this conversation now to our own lives, what's an example of a possible next step forward?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, I think, Laura, a lot of us as married Christians, we think about biblical sexuality in terms of morality. In other words, let's keep the rules, let's obey God. And as we talked about in the faithfulness pillar, that certainly is a very critical part of how we honor God and each other within our sexual relationship. [00:44:30]
But the other pillars are all about maturity. I think you can be married for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, 30 years or more as a married couple and never considered, what does it look like for us to mature in our sexual love? How can we say five years from now that we love each other more deeply sexually than we than we do right now? What do we need to work on? Which of these four pillars requires our immediate attention?
The book God, Sex, and Your Marriage can be helpful. We also are releasing a video curriculum and workbook for couples to go through this material that can be really helpful that you could do as couples or do in a small group. But things don't change unless we become intentional about changing them.
And so, you know, I think for all of us, we need that challenge to not just settle for the way things are, but to really ask the Lord to begin redeeming sex within our marriage, again, as part of that larger spiritual battle of reclaiming God's design for sex within our world. [00:45:42]
Laura Dugger: If part of this plan of ours for intentionality includes learning more from you, where can we go to do that?
Dr. Juli Slattery: You can find everything that we do at AuthenticIntimacy.com. So there's a podcast, blog, this book and other books and workbooks and small group opportunities. So you can find all of that at our website, Authentic Intimacy dot com.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We will link to that, as always, in the show notes for today's episode. Juli, you have been on multiple times, so you know we are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so is my final question for you today. What is your savvy sauce? [00:46:26]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Well, I would have to go back and listen to the episodes I've been on before to see if I say the same one all the time. But my savvy sauce is just really spending time with the Lord and really trying to make sure I reserve that first hour of the day for connection with Him, for surrendering to Him, learning from Him, just wanting to do what he calls me to do. So that's my savvy sauce right there.
Laura Dugger: Well, you are always a calm and steady and helpful guest. As we opened this discussion, we talked about that passage from Matthew 9:37, where Jesus is saying the field is ripe for the harvest, but the laborers are few. So I just want to say thank you for being a willing and skilled helper. I'm so grateful to get to have you as my returning guest.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Oh, Laura, thank you. Thanks for giving me a chance to share. It's always a joy to talk to you. [00:47:31]
Laura Dugger: Likewise.
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. [00:48:31] This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. [00:49:31] And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." [00:50:36] The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Feb 17, 2025
Monday Feb 17, 2025
254. Raising Healthy Children with Dr. Charles Fay
2 Chronicles 20:12b (NIV) "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”
**Transcription Below**
Questions and Topics We Discuss:
- When it comes to helping our child find purpose in life, what are some helpful questions to ask and why is this even important?
- What are some specific examples of beneficial discipline for a variety of ages of children?
- What are natural and proactive ways we can improve mental health in ourselves and our children?
Charles Fay, PhD, is an internationally recognized author, consultant, and public speaker. He is also president of the Love and Logic Institute, which became part of Amen Clinics in 2020. Millions of educators, mental health professionals, and parents worldwide have benefited from Dr. Fay's down-to-earth solutions to the most common and frustrating behaviors displayed by youth of all ages. These methods come directly from years of experience serving severely disturbed youth and their families in psychiatric hospitals, public and private schools, homes, and other settings. For more information, visit loveandlogic.com.
Dr. Fay's Book, Co-Authored with Dr. Daniel Amen: Raising Mentally Strong Kids
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Midwest Food Bank
Connect with The Savvy Sauce Our Website, Instagram or Facebook
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
** Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Thank you to an anonymous donor to Midwest Food Bank who paid the sponsorship fee in hopes of spreading awareness. Learn more about this amazing nonprofit organization at MidwestFoodBank.org.
My guest for today is Dr. Charles Fay, and he's the current president of the Love and Logic Institute. We're going to discuss various questions about parenting, so we'll cover things that are related to beneficial discipline, brain health, and the balance of pursuing quality time with our children, while also not forgetting to include a wise amount of breaks.
Many of these insights can be found in this book that Dr. Fay co-authored with Dr. Daniel Amen, and it's entitled Raising Mentally Strong Kids.
Here's our chat. [00:01:20]
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Dr. Fay.
Dr. Charles Fay: Thank you so much. I feel so blessed to be here. Thank you, everyone who's watching and listening. We're so thankful for you.
Laura Dugger: Well, I know that many people are already familiar with you and even your family of origin, but will you just tell us a bit about your family and the work that you get to do?
Dr. Charles Fay: Well, I'm so blessed by having two parents who were really imperfect people who had wonderful hearts. They were always trying to get better. That's one of the messages I want to send to people is that it's not about being perfect. None of us are, none of us can't be, and none of us have to be. That's really the good news. That's the gospel right there. [00:02:08] So we want to kick back and relax and enjoy our time together here.
My family, my father, Jim Fay, was unhappy with how well he was doing with students in his role as an educator. And he wasn't real happy with his parenting. So he went on a desperate search, I'd say, for skills. This was when I was a kid. And I've got some grades. That was a while ago.
But he developed with Dr. Foster Cline, a love of logic approach. I want to give you two pivotal foundational ideas right off the bat that will, I think, take the pressure off of you as a parent and help you raise really great kids.
Our first rule of love and logic is that we take really good care of ourselves. One of the ways we do that is by setting limits without anger, lecture, threats, or repeated warnings. But let's see, if our kids are going to grow up to be really strong and healthy and loving people, they cannot treat us like doormats. [00:03:14] That's not going to work for them. And it's not going to work for you. So it's not selfish, in fact, it's very loving to take good care of yourself by setting limits.
The research is clear. Kids who have limits are happier. Now, they might not be happier in the short term. They might be mad at you in the store or call you the worst mom or dad in the world. But long term, they're happier and they have much less anxiety because limits equal safety. Limits equal love.
Laura and I are going to talk about limits as we go through this podcast, but I just want to throw out that main idea, that that you... you know, our obligation to them is to put ourselves first in a loving way so that we have energy to be able to parent them well.
Now, the second idea that I want to share with you is that when a kid causes a problem, this is rule number two, when a kid causes a problem or they encounter a problem that is not a life and death issue, hand it back. [00:04:16] The great parent, the beautiful, wise parent is asking with empathy, Oh, honey, you forgot to do your assignment, and now, you know, you're calling me and asking me what I'm going to do. If any kid can handle this, you can. What do you think you're going to do?
Oh, my coach won't let me play. That's heartbreaking. I know how much you care about this. Notice the empathy first. And then this question. What do you think you're going to do? What do you think you're going to do? I want you to memorize that, parents, right now. Write it down. What do you think you're going to do?
And it's asked with sincerity and with love, and of course, we're going to follow up with some ideas for the kid, but we're not going to own it. We're going to let them own it. Because there's another very clear piece of research that's come out after all these decades of love and large teaching that the perils of helicopter parenting. [00:05:25]
We've been preaching that for years. We've been teaching that for years. Don't rescue your kids unnecessarily. Only do it when they really need it, because kids who are rescued come to believe that they need rescue and they're terrified throughout life. "Oh, no. How am I going to handle life? I've never really had to deal with problems before."
See, and now the research is very clear that the helicopter parenting to over-rescue where we don't allow kids to own and solve their problems is strongly associated with high levels of depression and anxiety in adulthood. So, again, isn't it interesting, Laura, that a lot of the things that we do as parents where we think, oh, gosh, I feel kind of bad because, you know, I'm putting myself first or I feel kind of bad because I expected my kid to solve this problem.
You know, we feel guilty. We are like, oh, no, maybe I'm a bad parent because they got really upset about that. [00:06:27] It's interesting that a lot of times when we feel that way, we're actually doing exactly what's required to help our kids have the most joyful and productive lives and be able to see the value. I'm going to be really clear here, the value of handing over their lives to the Lord. Lord, I need you. I can't control everything. I mean, we want this. But isn't it interesting, isn't it interesting that we often feel guilty when we do those things?
Laura Dugger: But I think you're just illustrating so well not leaning on our own understanding. You brought up these tensions. I want to zero in on that because there are some tensions in parenting where, on one hand, we do want to pursue quality time with our children, and we know that's important, and we need to pursue breaks and rest as the caretaker. How do you manage tensions like that? Or I'll just name one more, the tension of embracing both firmness and kindness. [00:07:35]
Dr. Charles Fay: If you have that tension, parents, if you have that tension where you're like, oh, I know I should be firm and kind, but I can't find that sweet spot, where is that sweet spot? Okay, I don't know if this is encouraging to you, but I haven't found that sweet spot.
Or you're thinking, where's the balance between quality time and authentic, intimate relationship with our kids and also saying, Okay, my turn. I need a break. Where's that sweet spot? Oh, I'll find it someday. Never found it.
Now, I've talked to a lot of people over this, and there are a lot of tensions in life, and many of them are spiritual tensions. The reality is, it's really good for us to have those. When you feel that tension, you're probably somewhere in the right spot. [00:08:36] It's the people who don't experience the tension that are problematic. It's a parent who never thinks, oh, maybe I should spend a little time taking care of myself. They're just totally idolizing their kids, and they do everything for their kids. That's really problematic. Or, on the other side, the parent who thinks, oh, the kids will raise them well. They're bright kids. They never worry about it.
Again, I just want to be completely frank with you and authentic, honest. You're going to have that tension, and sometimes you're not going to quite get it right. Sometimes you're going to be maybe a little firmer than you should be, and other times you're going to be a little kinder than you should be, or more loving than you should be, or soft than you should be. You're going to make those mistakes. There's going to be a dynamic tension forever between these things. [00:09:36] The good news is, isn't it great that we're not running the show?
Laura Dugger: Absolutely.
Dr. Charles Fay: If we had to be perfect, and God wasn't in control, what a disaster that would be, right? We have a sovereign, all-knowing, all-loving God of the universe, creator, sovereign creator, and sustainer of the universe who's taking all of this and working it together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Let's rest in that.
Laura Dugger: I think that's very much the word that's coming through is rest and trusting in Him. But when it comes to maybe even to those actionable moments, if a parent can't discern when they're going too much to one of those sides, do you have any questions for self-reflection or practical examples? [00:10:46]
Dr. Charles Fay: Well, you go to a friend of yours, and you go to people you really trust, godly people you really trust, and you ask them, be honest with me, what do you see in my life? You go to people who your kids are relating to, teachers, coaches, and you ask them to be honest with you. And you make it easy for them to be honest with you, which means that if they share something that's a little painful, you don't overreact, right? You don't make it hard for people to be honest with you.
So many times, we don't really have a good picture of how wonderful our kids are because we live with them all the time. Let's think about how do people who live together treat each other? It's the reality, the sad reality of it, but it's the reality, and it's a consistent historical reality, is people who are walking through the desert together, camping out every day, dealing with adversity, are not always their best when they're with each other. [00:11:59] I think my wife would agree with that.
Now, of course, I'm not saying it's okay to treat people who are close to us with disrespect or anything. Of course, we want to be preying on that and doing the very best we can to love those close people very well. But one of the ways we evaluate how well we're managing that tension is looking at how do our kids treat other people? How do they treat their teachers? How do they treat their coaches? How do they handle situations when they're away from us?
I've had so many parents come to me and say, oh, I struggle with my kids. We have power struggles, and they get snippy with me, and I get snippy with them. How does that sound like real life? But I have people, and they're all racked up. Oh, no, my kids, they're a nightmare. But the teachers say, "Oh, I wish I had 30 of your son. I wish I had..." all this sort of thing. [00:13:01]
It's so interesting in that that's really where you look. That's really where you look is how are they handling the rest of the people in their lives? And then, of course, again, we want to work on the home environment. Over the years, I've seen so many people get pretty desperate and concerned when they really have some pretty great kids out there.
Laura Dugger: That's so encouraging. Thank you, Charles. I'd love to shift gears because there's this piece that you wrote about in your book that I just loved. You were talking about us helping our children find their purpose in life. So what are some helpful questions to ask, and why is this even important?
Dr. Charles Fay: Well, first of all, it's important because people who have purpose... and I want to define purpose for everybody after I answer that question. [00:14:03] But people who have healthy purpose, true purpose, they're more joyful, they live longer, they have better relationships. It's one of those things that if you have it, you can handle just about anything.
Viktor Frankl, Holocaust, was in a Nazi death camp. He studied that, and he found that people who have a purpose, those people who were in that camp that had a purpose were the ones that could survive emotionally and actually were able to deal with that trauma better later on. You'd think none of us... I shouldn't say none of us, but very few of us can even imagine how awful that was. We can't even wrap our heads around that. But that sense of purpose can help us cope with some pretty, pretty horrible things. And that's what he was so famous for talking about, Viktor Frankl. So that's why.
So what is purpose? Purpose is making the world a better place. [00:15:11] Purpose is serving other people. Purpose is serving God. King Solomon's... this isn't in the book, by the way, but King Solomon looked for a purpose. If you're interested, look at Ecclesiastes. It's a very interesting biblical work on the search for purpose. And he tried a lot of things, gold, lots of horses, lots of wives, lots of this, lots of that, lots of fun, lots of partying, all meaningless, all a chasing after the wind. It won't get us that sense of purpose.
So what is purpose? It is serving other people. How do we do it? How do we find our purpose? So questions we ask our kids is, what do you love doing? Because our purpose comes out of our gifts. So God gave us those gifts for a purpose, okay? He gave us those gifts for a reason, to serve other people. That's the essence of servant leadership. [00:16:13] That's really what we're talking about here.
So we ask our kids, what are you really great at? We observe our kids, and we notice what their natural gifts are, and we know something is a gift. And this is how we know something is a gift, is when we engage in that activity and time goes by, we don't realize how much time has gone by because we're so into it. We love it. That's one criteria.
This is very important. One criteria for a gift is time goes by. It's so natural that we just do it. It feels effortless, and it's joyful.
Secondly, it helps other people. That's the definition of a gift. There's a lot in the book about purpose, by the way. If I tried to cover all of it right now, we'd all be confused. We'd walk away and think, wow, that was kind of neat, but I'm confused.
Love and Logic, my job has always been to oversimplify things so people could really grab a hold of them. So that's what we're going to do here. [00:17:18] So let's come in close here. We want to help our kids discover what they're naturally great at that helps other people. So let that sink into our ears. What are we naturally great at, and does that help other people?
And then we start asking our kids a series of questions. What do you love doing? What do you love doing? What would you do for free? If you could have a job doing something, what would it be? And we watch them, and we talk to teachers, and we talk to other people who know our kids well, and we identify those strengths. We're asking our kids, who is that going to serve? Who can you serve with that? How would you see yourself serving? [00:18:20]
Now, by the way, these questions we ask that are all laid out in the book are questions that we don't barrage our kids with. So we don't sit down and say, okay, let's talk about purpose, and then just barrage them with it. That's so counterproductive. No. The things like you're driving along in the car, and you're saying, "Honey, I noticed that you're really good at sewing. That really seems to be a gift. I wonder if you could use that. Can you see yourself using that to help other people, to serve other people? Who would those people be? How would you do that? That's exciting to think about."
You're just pondering these things in front of your kids. And you're not expecting them to have all this information they throw back at you. Well, Dad, I've been thinking about... No. No. Honestly, a lot of times kids don't seem like they're participating when we ask these questions. Those seeds are growing inside of their brains, inside of their hearts. [00:19:24]
And for us ourselves, a lot of times it's, what hardship have we had? What trauma have we had? What circumstances that have been so uncomfortable for us can we take and use to serve other people? I live in Colorado, not far from Columbine High School. There were many people, many people traumatized by that shooting, horrendous event.
Many, many people, the people who were able to heal and grow from that, as strange as that sounds, it's not easy, but the people who were able to heal and move forward were the people who took that and they went out and they created something to help other people. This organization called Rachel's Challenge, and do anti-bullying. And the school has done wonderful work for many, many years. So that's an important concept. [00:20:29]
So we're asking these questions. We're listening. We're not expecting kids to have a lot of feedback they share with us, but we're writing those things down. The most important part, it was stop again, spend the lion's share of your energy focusing on their gifts. See, so often in all of our relationships, it's so easy to start focusing on what other people do wrong or what they need to do better at. Happens in every relationship. It's a tendency that human beings have.
But friends, what would happen if you could say to yourself, I'm going to spend the lion's share of my time and energy focusing on what my wife's natural gifts are, or my husband's or my kids or my neighbors or my employees. [00:21:32] Of course, that doesn't mean that we're not going to give feedback that's necessary about things they need to change or we'd like them to change.
But here's a basic principle. Build others up. Build others up in their areas of strength so that they have the courage and the strength to tackle their areas of weakness.
Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
[00:22:05] <music>
Sponsor: Midwest Food Bank exists to provide industry-leading food relief to those in need while feeding them spiritually. They are a food charity with a desire to demonstrate God's love by providing help to those in need. Unlike other parts of the world where there's not enough food, in America, the resources actually do exist.
That's why food pantries and food banks like Midwest Food Bank are so important. The goods that they deliver to their agency partners help to supplement the food supply for families and individuals across our country, aiding those whose resources are beyond stretched.
Midwest Food Bank also supports people globally through their locations in Haiti and East Africa, which are some of the areas hardest hit by hunger arising from poverty. This ministry reaches millions of people every year. And thanks to the Lord's provision, 99% of every donation goes directly toward providing food to people in need. The remaining 1% of income is used for fundraising, cost of leadership, oversight, and other administrative expenses. Donations, volunteers, and prayers are always appreciated for Midwest Food Bank.
To learn more, visit MidwestFoodBank.org Or listen to episode 83 of The Savvy Sauce where the founder, David Kieser, shares miracles of God that he's witnessed through this nonprofit organization. I hope you check them out today.
[00:23:33] <music>
Laura Dugger: It's interesting how you wrote about even the purpose of purpose for our kids. Just a few practical things. I'm just going to string together some lessons of yours. So from chapter two, you wrote, ultimately, your goals determine your behavior. Not that we're using this as a self-serving tool as parents. But I think there is a reality and a principle, even in scripture, I think of reaping and sowing. But encouraging our children and speaking words of life over them or over our spouse, you actually see that come out of them as well.
And as you talk about goal setting, you also write on page 48 that goal setting is also one of the best ways to develop your child's prefrontal cortex and mental strength to help set them up for success. Then you even gave one more practical tip somewhere later in the book that we can go first. We can share our purpose with our children. [00:24:43] I think this idea was just exciting to me, even with our children at young ages, that it's never too early, like you said, to plant those seeds.
Dr. Charles Fay: It's never too early. And see, when people see us having a purpose and a passion, they want to join along. Years ago, when I was learning to be a public speaker, I studied people. And I noticed that some of the people that I was most excited about listening to weren't that great of speakers. I mean, they stuttered a little bit, and they wore a bad suit, and they just were kind of nervous at times. But man, there's something about them where I was like, That dude is awesome. Man, I want to listen to that lady, you know, again. I want to... you know, so-and-so.
And then there'd be other people who were, man, they look good, they're flashy. Oh, yeah, they got all the right-hand movements, all that sort of stuff. But I thought, no, that's kind of not... just not... And I analyzed that for years, decades.
Somebody said it loud and clear to me. I was talking to a friend of mine, he says, "It's the people who have passion. People have a sincere purpose, and we're drawn to that. It's that authenticity. It's the realness. It's this person really believes this, and they're so excited about it that they just can't stand it. It's just jumping out of them. [00:26:10]
And so when we model that... and it can be about anything. Okay, so let's say I'm a garbage collector. I drive the garbage truck. I am so excited about the fact that if it wasn't for me, people would die of disease. This place would be a mess, you know? And kids see that, and they're like, "My dad has purpose. My mom has purpose.
You could be a heart surgeon. You could be a brain surgeon. You could be a garbage collector. You could be anything. But having that deeper purpose and communicating that, talking about it around our kids, letting them overhear it, super powerful.
Laura Dugger: This is a very proactive conversation, planning these ideas. I think of something else that would be really helpful to be proactive or to pre-decide would be wise ways to discipline. [00:27:09] So, Dr. Fay, I'm curious, do you have any specific examples of beneficial discipline for a variety of ages?
Dr. Charles Fay: Yeah Well, the first thing we need to learn as parents is how to not get pulled into arguments. Because if we can't, if our kids can argue with us, we're never going to be affected with anything else.
So parents, step one, when the kid starts to argue, don't think so hard about it. Don't try to talk sense into them. Because when we start lecturing and we start talking too much, what starts to happen is the kid thinks, "Wow, this argument is really working. Look at mom's face. I can control the tone of her voice, the color of her face, the longevity of her cardiovascular system."
And see, ironically, we're trying to control the kid, but they're really controlling us. They're getting us to say more words, get frustrated, that sort of thing. So as soon as the arguing starts, say to yourself, don't think so hard about this. [00:28:11]
The second step is just keep saying the same thing. You can pick mine. When my kids were younger. I love you too much to argue. I love you too much to argue. Now, that's discipline. See, discipline really means teaching kids the right way over the wrong way. That's basically what it's all about.
One of the fundamental aspects of discipline is being able to submit to authority figures. Now we're getting on the tough side of the road here a little bit. Your kids need to learn how to submit to you. This is not a democracy in this home. I don't say that to the kids. I'm saying it to you. We do it through action.
The effective parenting style is not a democratic where everybody gets to vote and we have debates about things. Absolutely not. It is a benevolent monarchy. [00:29:11] And the parents are the rulers, but they're the kind and loving, wise rulers.
See, because if a kid argues with you, what that really means is they think they should get their way all the time. Now, ultimately, who are we preparing our kids to have? Well, who are we preparing our kids to submit to for Christians? A political figure? Somebody who lets them vote on or the king of the universe? Christ, right?
So when kids don't learn how to submit to loving authority figures, they don't learn how to submit to loving authority, life is really hard for them. That's the essence of discipline is teaching our kids how to submit to loving, just authority.
So I want my kids early on to learn that when I say something I mean it and they can't argue with me and get me to back down or get me to get frustrated. [00:30:25] So, again, could argues I say to myself, no reasoning, no discussion, no debate, no voting, right? And then I calmly repeat: I love you too much to argue on. But that's not fair. I love you. They won't give up. We just keep on doing it. They're gonna get mad. Because we all get mad when we don't get our way. Some of us aren't that honest about it. They say, oh, no, I don't. No. We all get frustrated when we don't get our way. That's called the sin nature. We all get frustrated when we don't get our way. But we're all comforted when we don't get our way.
Let me say that again. We all get frustrated when we don't get our way, but we're all are comforted in the long run when we don't get our way because our way is not always the best way. In fact many times it is. So that's one of the very first skills. I love you too much to argue or I'll listen when your voice is calm or I'll be happy to listen to your ideas as long as I feel like you're not trying to get me to back down. [00:31:37] But you keep the same one. You repeat the same little love and logic one-liner every time.
I knew a mom who just said this. "Well, I want this. You got to buy this for me." "Mmh" "Well, how come you keep saying that?" "Mmh" "Well, that's driving me crazy." "Mmh" And I'll listen when your voice is calm. But she said she loved it. It was so easy for her. All she had to do. And now the kids are teenagers, by the way, and she's been doing it for years. And she'd say, "Mmh". And they're "we know you're just gonna say 'Mmh'".
She raised kids who really love her dearly, but they didn't always like her. Okay. There's a little nugget. They didn't always love her and they didn't always like her, but they love her dearly. Let's branch out from that. [00:32:36]
Another skill is being able to set effective limits that we can follow through often. So you want our yes to be yes and our no to be no. Important parenting principle, life principle: Our yes is yes and our no is no. But how do we do that/ By focusing only on what we can control.
See, who can I control?
Laura Dugger: Me.
Dr. Charles Fay: The harsh reality is I can't really control my kids. I can't really control my wife. I really can't control the direction the country goes here or there. I mean, there are very few things I can control. Of course, I do my civic duty and I do the best that I can. But ultimately the only thing that I truly can control and this is tough even is myself, right? [00:33:30]
We call this setting limits with enforceable statements. So when I set a limit with an enforceable statement, I'm describing what I'm gonna do and what I'm gonna allow. And I am not trying to tell the kid what to do. And I'm not issuing threats. You already heard a couple of them. "I'll listen when your voice is calm. I'll be happy to take you to your friends when the chores are done. I play games when I'm not having somebody yelling at me."
I mean how many of us have played candy land with our little kids, right, and they start to lose. And now they're all upset. "You're cheating. That's not fair. You're mean." "I'll be happy to play with you as long as this is fun for me." Which is one I use a lot.
And then as soon as it's not fun for me, what happens? I get up and I go. [00:34:33] "But I'll be good." I know you'll be good and we'll try again some other time. And the other time will be pretty soon. But they need to see that there is action associated with the limit. If we want to get to the essence of discipline, let's get to it.
Essence of discipline. Number one. We have a good relationship with our kids. We love them and we show them that and we focus mostly on their strengths, and they feel bonded to us and they want to please us at heart. Relationship is part of discipline. It's teaching them the right way versus the wrong way. So that has to come first.
The second that comes first is that we set limits. We describe what we're going to do and what we're going to allow. Yeah, and they're fair limits. We do our best to be fair. And then when they don't live by those limits, we don't nag, we don't remind, we don't rescue, we take loving action. We are empathetic and we take loving action. [00:35:33]
So a dad says to me, "Oh, I went to Love and Logic years to go. My kids were totally out of control. My wife passed away when they were really young. I felt so guilty. I felt so bad for them that I let them do everything they wanted to do. Oh, they wouldn't listen to anything. They were tyrants." I said, "Oh, how are they now? Oh, they're good now. I mean, they're not perfect people, but I'm not. They're good. They're good. My daughter's turned out great."
I said, "Well, what made the difference?" He said, "I took them to Chuck E. Cheese." I said, "What?" He said, "Kids were out of control in public. Oh, that was the worst time. So I took him to Chuck E. Cheese." I thought, "I'm not getting this." He says, "No, you don't understand." I said, "I don't understand." He says, "I realized that one of the problems I had was that we'd go out and they'd act up and I'd say, "If you keep acting up we're leaving. But I never would because I'd feel too guilty." [00:36:30]
And so he said, "I decided to take him to Chuck E. Cheese because it's kind of a chaotic place. Most of the time and I thought, "I won't back down. I'll be glad to get out of this." I thought, "Well, that's kind of a wise idea there." And he says, "I took them to Chuck E. Cheese. We were actually having a good time. But then now they're starting to act up like crazy, right?" So he said to me, he said, "Guys, we get to stay as long as it's fun for me and there are no problems." And they kept up. And you know what he did? "He got up and he started walking away. And they said, "Daddy, daddy. Why are we leaving?" He says, "This is not fun. This isn't working for me."
And they didn't think he'd really follow through because he never had. But he kept walking. Pretty soon they catch up and they said, "Daddy, daddy, we just got our pizza." He said, "Don't worry about the pizza. Somebody else will get it. I love you guys. Let's go home. This isn't fun for me." [00:37:26]
They got in the car, oh, and they were crying and he felt like the worst dad in the world. He's driving along and he's just feeling so guilty. But he said to himself, "I'm going to stay strong. I'm going to stay strong." And he drove home. "Oh, and it was a miserable day," he said.
Well, he started doing that more. They went to the park one day and he said, "Guys, we get to stay as long as there's no problems, no throwing sand, no running away from me. And as long as you're staying right by me." And they tested it, didn't they?
Let's think about human beings. How far do we need to get into the Old Testament to see people start testing limits? I think it's only maybe two chapters or so. It's really not very long. That's what we do. That's what human beings do. So don't be surprised when your kids do it. So they tested the limit and he just starts saying, "Hey guys, we're going home." And he just went home. [00:38:26] No warnings, no reminders. No lectures.
See, what kind of a blessing is it for our kids if they can learn to listen the first time? Is that unreasonable? Is it because we're on a power trip or because we want them to have happy lives?
Laura Dugger: Absolutely, the second.
Dr. Charles Fay: And the whole time he says, "I'm hating it. Honestly, Dr. Fay, I just don't like it. I'm not comfortable with any of this. I feel like I'm being mean, I'm being criticized by other people." People are saying, Well, in this book it says you should never do something like that. You know, I'm getting all of that and I'm so conflicted I'm feeling the tension.
He said what changed things is we were in Home Depot not too long after these training sessions as we'll call it. I didn't have a plan at all and I needed to be there. I really couldn't leave. And they're starting to carry on with each other. And I just looked at him and I said, Oh. And the older one sent to the younger one. But they were. It blew me away. How did they learn? It'll be good by learning that my word is gold and that I was actually going to take some action. [00:39:51]
Laura Dugger: I love that. Then that goes back to the letting your “yes” be yes, and your “no” be no. It also reminds me I believe it's Hebrews 12:11. It says, "No discipline is pleasant at the time, but painful later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." I think that beautifully illustrates it.
Dr. Charles Fay: I love that verse. A harvest of righteousness and peace. Think about that. So we feel guilty for doing it, but we're actually giving our kids the most beautiful things in life through it. And you know what we're really doing when we're doing this? We're preparing for the day when our kid is about ready to do something that's really dangerous and we have no control over it. They're 17 years old, they say, "I'm going to this party. I don't care." And you're thinking, "I know that it's in a bad part of town. I know there's been shootings there. I know there's kids there's gonna be drugs there." You're thinking all these things. [00:40:57]
Are you gonna have enough respect and love in their eyes to be able to pull it off when you say, "Don't go. I'm concerned about you." Have you upped the odds for having that much strength and love in their eyes? That's what we're really going for.
Now if I've never been a loving authority figure, chances are they're going to look at me and think, "Well, what does he know? He's kind of a nice guy over here. He's kind of a tyrant over here, whatever." But they don't have that love and that discipline experience from us. That makes all the difference in the world.
Laura Dugger: Guess what? We are no longer an audio-only podcast. We now have video included as well. If you want to view the conversation each week, make sure you watch our videos. [00:42:01] We're on YouTube and you can access videos or find answers to any of your other questions about the podcast when you visit thesavvysauce.com.
All of these topics that we've touched on are covered in your book. I just want to address one more area Because we don't talk about this a lot. But you and Dr. Amen agree in your book where it says, "Mental health is really brain health." You make the argument that mental health follows a healthy brain.
If we're going specifically, it's pages 22 through 24. But can you walk us through what it means when you say "bright minds"?
Dr. Charles Fay: So it's basically an acronym. B stands for blood flow. The more blood flow, the more oxygen, the more cleansing of the brain, the more circulation going on there, obviously the better the brain is going to work. [00:43:03]
Exercise, so important. You know talking about kids, so important. There should be very strong limits over screen time, by the way. In fact, the less the better. Highly effective parents now are saying that they're really moving back towards traditional model of schooling where kids are doing things with pencil and paper. They're not on the screen all the time. They're setting firm limits where kids don't have their own phones until maybe they're older teenagers.
I mean that sounds radical, if we look at the way the rest of the world is running, right? It sounds radical. Oh my goodness. How could you possibly do that? Now, do we really want our kids to be as low-functioning as the rest of the world? Simple question, right? Do we really want that?
You know, we used to say prepare kids for the real world. No. [00:44:04] Now I say, prepare kids to be shining stars. Not the real world. Now I'm preaching. I'm sorry. I get that way.
R is rational. Thinking the truth. We tell ourselves lies all the time. You know, I'm not good enough. I'm a bad person. I don't know who I am. I have no identity. There's no hope for me. Is that reality? No, that's not rational thinking. It's truth.
Every time I entertain or harbor irrational thought, that creates problems for my brain. It's actually destructive to brain cells because it creates stress and stress damages brain cells. In the book we talk a lot about mental hygiene. How can we be focused on the truth and help our kids focus on the truth? What is the truth? It's what God says. It's God's word. That's the truth. That's the truth. You do have a purpose. You are loved. You're made in God's image. And you as a parent that applies to you too, right? Don't forget that. [00:45:23]
I is for inflammation. We know that when there's infections, when there's any sort of injury when people over-exercise, it creates inflammation. And that creates problems for the brain. We don't think well when there's inflammation.
G is for genetics. Daniel put that in there. I'm so glad though that if we know what our genetics are, we can do things that overcome those genetic challenges. So it's not like, oh, my dad had this or my mom had this and I'm doomed. No, it's good to know about that, take that into account, and take steps to correct in that area.
Head trauma. Kids have to wear helmets. We're not fans of kids playing football. Oh, there you go. I just lost a bunch of people. It's pretty traumatic for the brain. I think if you talk to any brain expert, they'll say the same thing. [00:46:35]
Toxins. That's what the t stands for. So we're going down this acronym bright minds, right? This is all in the book. I'm looking at page 22 and 23. But the toxins are really an issue. And so when we have a kid who's starting to make poor decisions and maybe basic discipline isn't working and we're seeing some behavior that's pretty scary, we want to be analyzing these things, too because I've seen kids who had exposure to some toxins. And all the discipline, all the psychological work in the world is not gonna cure that problem if there's something going on with that. Molds. Some forms of mold very very strongly related to brain health issues, physical issues.
Minds. M stands for mental health. You know, mental health. Mental health is the single most powerful thing you can do to help your kids to have good mental health is to be a strong and loving parent. [00:47:56]
Every one of your kids is going to be different. Everyone is going to have different challenges. But that strength and that love and the firmness and the kindness can help overcome so many of those. And that's the main contributor to mental health. I mean, we're relational. People, human beings are relational.
When we have relationships we are far less likely to have mental health issues. And brain health issues all dovetails together. Immune system problems. That's the I. That's another thing we look at is, is there an immune system issue? Is there an overactive or underactive immune system or infections going on?
Neuro hormone issues. And all this sounds deep. Parents, what do you do with this? You're listening to this and you're thinking, wow, now he's going into a lot of stuff. [00:48:54] Okay, here's what I recommend. You get the book. You focus on the basic discipline. You do the preventative things. If those things aren't working, you start looking back at the book. I have to look at the book. I forget what's in this book sometimes. I wrote it, all for crying out loud. I'm a mess. It's good, though.
I was reading it today and I thought, "This makes sense." But see, I have to go back to it and ask myself constantly, am I really following these things? So you start with the basic discipline. Those things aren't working. You go back to the book, you start taking away at the different subjects we bring up and you're going to have success. It's going to give you a road map. But there's a lot there.
So I just talked about neurohormone issues. That's something that a doctor has to look at. We talk about the D stands for diabetes and obesity. Those two things have a dramatic impact on brain health. [00:49:59]
Lastly, sleep. Oh, my goodness, sleep. Sleep's huge. I would say that the significant percentage of the learning and behavioral issues we see with kids, huge percentage, way over 50% of those problems are dramatically impacted by lack of quality sleep.
Laura Dugger: Wow.
Dr. Charles Fay: Way too many kids are staying up at night and way too many parents are allowing their kids to have screens in their bedroom. Let me share with you two things you can do that will have a dramatic impact on your family. They're really simple, but hard. They're simple because the concept isn't very complicated. They're hard because you're going to get pushback.
Simple. Gospel. Jesus, I need you. I can't do this myself. [00:50:56] I'm a sinner. I need you as my savior. I'm going to follow you. So here are two things you can do. If you do these, I can guarantee you your life's going to be better. You're gonna have healthier kids, healthier brains.
No screens in their bedrooms. They don't take their screens into their bedrooms during the day, during the night, any time. If they do have to do their homework, they do it in the kitchen. No screens in your bedroom.
Too many TVs, too many screens in your bedroom. You do those two things, life's going to be way better. It's going to be real uncomfortable at first for some people but life's going to be way better in the long term.
Laura Dugger: I think you're kind of leading us into, I believe it's chapter nine, where you get so practical about implementing this and educating us on the importance of mental health and brain health, but helping us to be proactive to improve those areas. You list natural ways. I'll just go over a few of these that I've gleaned from chapter nine and I'd love to hear you go a little bit deeper on whichever one jumps out. [00:52:07]
Even as simple as eating protein that supports it. You talk about eating lots of protein and produce, the importance of having other high quality calories, and limiting sugar or anything boxed or processed. That's the section where you do go into limiting screens. And then also maximizing time with healthy people and maximizing time outdoors and getting physical exercise, investing in friendships, staying hydrated. Again, simple one. That is where you talk about getting plenty of sleep. Those are just some examples.
Dr. Charles Fay: Things that are best for us, we look at them like, oh man, do I really have to do that? There's this tension inside of us and it's so easy for us to get rebellious. So one thing I want to be really clear is we're not reaching to you and saying you have to do this, if you don't do this, you're a bad person, that sort of thing. That's not what this is all about. [00:53:19]
But I will say, how can I make the choices that ultimately bring glory to God? The healthier I am physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, the more likely that I am going to be able to do that in ways that I feel good about.
Laura Dugger: Dr. Charles, there is just so much that we could continue to glean as wisdom from you. So where are some places you could direct us after this conversation if we want to continue learning more?
Dr. Charles Fay: Well, the book that I have here, again, it's just packed full of stuff. Practical. It's called, I don't know if you can see it or not, Raising Mentally Strong Kids. It's got a long subtitle. [00:54:15] If you look anywhere online, you're going to see that Daniel Amen, MD, Charles Fay, PhD, Raising Mentally Strong Kids. You're going to find that anywhere quality books are sold.
You can find out about Love and Logic by going to loveandlogic.com or you can look at danielamenmd.com or all over the web, you can find us there. And I think you'll enjoy the book because we've made mistakes, we've learned from millions of parents and years of research.
Laura Dugger: Well, thank you truly for this resource. It is chock full of goodness and wisdom and experience, and that is a labor of love. So I appreciate that. We'll also link to all of these places in the show notes for today's episode.
But you also are aware that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. So as my final question for you today, Dr. Fay, what is your savvy sauce? [00:55:26]
Dr. Charles Fay: Oh, well, I have to say there's so many times where I find myself thinking, I don't know what to do. Any of you have that experience? You feel like the world is crashing down on you and I don't know what to do. There's no clear direction here in one way or another. So one of the things I want to say loud and clear is that my savvy sauce is saying to myself, "Lord, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you." Because I'm not smart enough to handle all this. But He'll guide us.
Laura Dugger: So good. Lord, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you. Thank you. You've given us so many, even one-liners that are memorable. So we can take this and apply it. And you've given a lot of encouragement to us as parents. So I'm grateful for your time and I just want to say thank you for being my guest. [00:56:29]
Dr. Charles Fay: Oh, thank you, Laura. Just a real blessing. Thanks for watching and listening to everybody. We're so thankful for you. Take care.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. [00:57:28]
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. [00:58:27]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:59:28]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Feb 10, 2025
Monday Feb 10, 2025
253. Low Tech Parenting with Erin Loechner
I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. Psalm 101:3
*Transcription Below*
Questions We Cover:
Especially for us as parents, what are some motives of the big tech companies that capitalize on our naivety?
- What are some ways we can borrow the attractive features from social media to optimize influence within our home, as parents?
- What other ideas do you have for using our homes to build strategic family rhythms where all members can grow and flourish?
Erin Loechner is the founder of global tech-free movement, The Opt-Out Family. Erin is a former social media influencer who walked away from a million fans to live a low-tech lifestyle—and is now teaching others how to do the same. Her cutting-edge work has been praised in the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Wall Street Journal, and the Huffington Post, as well as on the Today Show. When she’s not scrawling on her trusty steno pad, Erin, her husband, and their three kids spend their days chasing alpenglow, reading Kipling, and biking to town for more tortillas.
Other Recommended Podcasts on This Topic:
170 Mastering Technology so it Does Not Master You with Dr. Sylvia Hart Frejd
228 Stewarding Technology for More Intentional Relationships with Joey Odom
226 Tech-Savvy Family with Paul Asay of The Plugged In Staff
195 Tech and Parenting with Molly DeFrank
91 Technology and Parenting with Arlene Pellicane
Erin's Book Recommendations:
Caddie Woodlawn
Pilgrim's Progress
Honey for a Child's Heart
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Leman Property Management Company
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
*Transcription*
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Leman Property Management Company has the apartment you will be able to call home, with over 1,700 apartment units available in Central Illinois. Visit them today at Lemanproperties.com or connect with them on Facebook.
Y'all, I don't even have enough words to adequately describe this conversation with my dear guest, Erin Loechner. Erin left her career as a six-figure influencer with over a million fans to instead pursue a more abundant and fulfilling life offline.
And now in her latest book, The Opt Out Family, Erin is full of brilliant ways to maximize the online algorithms within our homes to spark connection and delight in our family, all without tech. [00:01:20] She is generally just a delightful human, and she's going to share stories and tips and inspirations with all of us now.
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Erin.
Erin Loechner: Thank you. Thank you so much for having me. I'm thrilled to be here.
Laura Dugger: Well, some may say that you're kind of an unlikely author for this book about tech-free living. So can you explain a bit about your background and your journey toward eventually becoming an opt-out family?
Erin Loechner: Yes, you are right. Some would be correct. I am an unlikely author for this book. I was a social media influencer with a million followers. I started very early on hosting a show on HGTV.com pre-social media, and then things kind of dovetailed from there. And I found that I had this platform, and what was I going to do with it? [00:02:19]
The more that I sort of navigated the tension of living a very online life with coming into parenting my own children, I just recognized, you know, if I continue this influencer lifestyle, it is fairly all-encompassing. You know, your job is to kind of capture your life, whether that means behind the scenes in sort of earmarked days.
I know as an influencer myself I was very boundaried in terms of my children appearing online. I didn't share their faces online. I didn't share their names online. I was very careful about the types of things that I would talk about. And yet, there was that reality that I was parenting with my phone in my hand a lot more than I was comfortable with, especially knowing we were not going to encourage social media for our children. [00:03:18]
It just felt like, you know, as parents, kids can smell hypocrisy a mile away. It felt like one of those moments where I had to decide, am I serious about this? Am I going to recommend that my children steer clear from this platform that I've built a career on? Truly, I was just not willing to sacrifice their trust and their respect for me as a person when it came time to make that call.
Now, all of this was so earlier than this was even a conversation. My oldest was probably four or five when I started to pull back. But, you know, you kind of look at the long term and you think, I want to start now to become the kind of person that I know I'll need to be as a parent in that season.
So my husband and I... he worked in Apple's ad agency. I knew the algorithm very, very well. And so we just knew we're not willing to do this anymore. [00:04:19] If it's not good for kids, it's actually not that great for adults either. So we just cut ties and I found sort of a new way to work and live. Honestly, really, truly the heart of this book is just for the people who are curious, can I opt out? What does it look like? How do I do it?
Because I was really growing weary of the narrative that tech is a necessary evil or that social media is a necessary evil. I wanted to explore, what does it look like to live without it? Is it possible? I'm here to say yes. Is it realistic? Is it abundant? Is it fruitful? Yes, yes, yes. And that's really what this book was about.
Laura Dugger: Incredible. I want to zero in just on a few things that you said. First, when you said "capture your life", what really struck me is that when we capture a human to put them in prison, it just makes me think of bondage or enslavement language. [00:05:21]
And so not that this is true for everyone, but to be cautious of that lifestyle that could kind of have invisible handcuffs around us. And it's escaping me now, the second point, but something similar to that, just your language is really rich. And you ended up canceling yourself and wisely modeling this for your children. Oh, it was when you said it's not a necessary evil. Even those words, as we're sisters in Christ, we would agree nothing that's evil is necessary. So I love how you worded that.
Erin Loechner: Great points. Yes, yes. Great points.
Laura Dugger: Well, and just real quick, could you give us a definition of opt-out family and share why it might be of interest for us to consider that within our own homes?
Erin Loechner: Yeah, of course. A big pillar of an opt-out family is just there are no personal devices really out and about. When you have the picture of the living room where everybody's on their individual things, we share tech usage. [00:06:27] We share both the device itself and also what's happening on the device itself.
So when I talk about shared tech usage, it involves many, many conversations, including also sharing the physical device as well. But it's a wide spectrum. I believe that parents are made up of many, many different strengths and variables and principles and callings.
For us, what it looks like is I walk around the world with just a dumb phone. I have no internet access, no email on my phone. I can call and I can send texts and I can occasionally use maps. But usually I'm printing off directions.
So what that does for us as a family, and this is just our version of what it looks like. But what it does is it helps me move through the world alongside of my kids so that we're sort of encountering that friction together. [00:07:26] So that, you know, by the time they get to a point where they would like to purchase their own smartphone or their own device, I hope maybe it'll be a smartphone, maybe it won't. But when they can sort of afford the financial and emotional cost of that and they have to make that choice, what kind of phone do I want? I don't want their choice to hinge on the fact that they haven't seen it modeled any other way.
So my job is really to encounter those pain points and this tension. How do we board a flight without an iPhone? You know, how do you dine at a place where there's only QR code menus? We have encountered some of these things. I'm helping my kids learn that it's not as crazy as it sounds, and it's not as difficult as it sounds. There's some tension, but all of that tension is very easy to navigate, really, and the benefits are better on the other side. [00:08:28] So that's really what a knocked-out family looks like for us.
Laura Dugger: That's helpful clarification. I love how you write that some families may not choose to go completely screen-free in their home, but if that seems too big or overwhelming, they would even want to move in the direction of choosing to reject the use of personal devices. So there's such an umbrella of grace that you offer in just sharing your own story and examples.
But I want to get to some of your ideas for opting out of technology in lieu of opting into something better. But first, I'm hoping you'll set the stage. So especially for us who are parents, what are some motives of the big tech companies that may be capitalizing on our naivety?
Erin Loechner: You know, the big ones... I'm so grateful that the research is out there, and most of this will probably not be new to your listeners. [00:09:31] But time and attention were really kind of the really big pushes in the beginning. These platforms work on advertising dollars, and so the longer that you are on the device, the longer you have ads displayed to you, the more likely you are to purchase, the more repetitive times that these are appearing in front of you, the more likely you are to purchase.
And yet there was a shift, and a lot of this came out while I was researching this book. The shift moved from the attention economy to, and I credit this phrase to Tristan Harris, who is just a wonderful resource in many, many ways interpreting in technology but the shift happened from the attention economy to the intimacy economy. And so now it's less about, we just want your time, and now it's, we want your trust. We want your companionship. We want to mentor and guide your decision-making skills.
A lot of that, we see that play out in AI right now. You know, chat GBT-3, it's so much easier to shape the way we use our words and the way that we talk about things. One of the things I write about in the book is a new AI development called Replica, where you can kind of create an imaginary friend for yourself that gives you whatever advice that they think you need to hear. It's wild that we're in this spot that I think that most of us 20 years ago thought was so, so far down the horizon.
But we're there, we're in the thick of it, and it's hard to see because it's kind of couched in this everyday thing that's in everybody's pockets. [00:11:14] So it feels very harmless. It feels very accepted, you know, and it should give us a lot of pause.
Laura Dugger: A lot of pause, indeed. You did such thorough research for your book. So I want to highlight just a few things. You credit Fowler, this is on page 21, and your quote is, "Their algorithms optimize for eliciting a reaction from us, ignoring the fact that often the shortest path to a click is fear, anger, or sadness." And then one other on page 82. You also give credit to Fairplay. "Under a pretense of teaching math, Prodigy is using schools to access and manipulate a lucrative child market."
So can you expand on any of that? That was news to me that the technology in the schools is preying on our children and on their privacy, really. [00:12:23]
Erin Loechner: Really, yes. The data is a whole nother... there's so many sort of boxes in this. But data infringement for children, I don't remember the statistics, but it's a wild number of data points that these tech companies have before your child turns 13. It's in the millions.
And just the very concept that a third-party company, especially a third-party company, that has been sold as sort of a necessity for us. We think of edtech, we think of iPads, and the one-to-one program in every kid's backpack, and how that was championed in the early 2000s as this thing that was going to create a better future for us. What has happened is we have created a better future for the tech companies, for Silicon Valley, but at the cost of our children and at the cost of their privacy.
You hear a lot of times the argument that, well, what does it matter? What do they have? I'm not hiding anything, so it doesn't matter. [00:13:27] But I think when it comes to our children, they do have the right to have a small digital footprint. They should have the privilege, knowing that by the time that they age, identity theft has... The statistics, I mean, you watch the curve just go up and up and up. Identity theft is such a huge factor for our generation, certainly, but it's going to be the bigger risk for the next generation.
And it's all there. How many times a week do we get an email that the latest thing has been hacked and all of our social security numbers have been stolen? I think that we've normalized that so deeply as a society as just another kind of pitfall of tech. But it doesn't have to be that way.
So opting out really does protect your child from a lot of what will cause greater benefits when they're 24, 25, 26, and beyond. [00:14:28]
Laura Dugger: Well, and just to continue that conversation, too, in the schools, this may be an ignorant comment, but it just grieves me so much that schools, like you mentioned, the one-to-one, where they want every child to have access to an iPad. And I just think when we look at all research, there's nothing positive. You even ask a question in your book and say, why do we choose to hand today's top addiction to our kids? I am floored that they're still in our schools and would love for them to be out.
But I think also just a few more sobering questions that you ask for us to consider. I'll just quote you from page four. You say, "And why are we as full-grown adults sitting on the bathroom floor watching TikTok content while our toddlers play alone one room over?" That was heartbreaking. [00:15:26]
And then just a really good accountability question asking yourself, what would I want? I'm sorry. Would I want my child to use technology the same way I do?
Erin Loechner: Yeah. I mean, that's really the heart of this book is how do we build a life? We've all been there, right? We've all felt like we need to take the emotional health breaks in the laundry room or the bathroom or whatever. I don't know that it's healthy to bring our phone along with us.
But still, I think that the question is, is how do we build a life that we don't need to escape from? That's what I'm more interested in. It's less about the distraction of the device. It's actually less about saying no to the device for kids and for us ourselves and more about how do we integrate something different? How do we say yes to something better than the device? [00:16:24]
That's really where I wanted to go with this book, kind of picking apart what makes these devices so addictive and how can we put some of those mechanisms, and really a lot are rooted in childhood development. You know, if you talk to a lot of algorithmic engineers and programmers, they know quite a lot about human development and know quite a lot about childhood development. So these things seem very basic, but they work on the phone. And so this book is a bit of a call to returning to make them work off of the phone just as much.
Laura Dugger: Well, let's go there because you've extensively studied what the online algorithm capitalizes on as it tries to promise connection to users, but then can end up producing addiction and loneliness. So I love when you flip all of that upside down in your book and you write about ways to borrow the good tips and tricks from the algorithm to instead make connections within our home and our community. [00:17:26] But still all without the use of a screen. And that does lead to true connection and delight. So can you share some ways we can do this, too?
Erin Loechner: Of course, of course. One of my favorite ways... I always start with this one. It's just really impactful. It's called strewing. It's an educational term. But the idea is just that you are sort of offering an experience to your child that they wouldn't have stumbled across themselves.
So you are inviting your child into maybe it's an activity, maybe it's just the exploration of an object. In my home I keep a coffee table open where there's something new and exciting to encounter for the fair, probably three to five times a week. Right. Maybe it's just a couple of library books I found that I thought would spark their interest that I set aside for a rainy day. Maybe it's, you know, junk mail and scissors for the little ones to craft with. Maybe it is your old yearbook or family photos for them to flip through and laugh at how weird everyone looked in your day and age. [00:18:38]
There are a number of things to encounter, mostly free, you know? But the idea is just inviting your child to an experience. TikTok does this right there. As soon as you log into the app, you are met with images and videos and something that is new to you. It's called the For You page, you know, something that has been curated that the algorithm believes will delight you.
And I think we as parents can do that so much better because we know our kids. We know so much about what makes them tick and we know we can really hone in and zero in on those interests in a way that the algorithm actually can't quite yet.
So that's a really big one. It's just kind of bringing your home into this place of exploration and curiosity and delight. [00:19:36] Physical touch is a huge way that the algorithm, I mean, truly the algorithm tries, but cannot replicate eye contact.
A lot of the book talks about biometrics in terms of social media platforms and how they can kind of track your eye patterns and what is interesting to you and what is not interesting to you. Well, so can we, too, as parents.
Challenges. Introducing your child to a challenge that isn't so demotivating that they want to give up, but that is hard and difficult, that teaches and expands resilience. I interviewed Minecraft designers on how do you find that balance between a demotivating challenge, right, or something that gives just the right amount of momentum to keep a child going.
And almost everyone talked about the reward system. And while I don't believe that our home has to be nonstop reward charts and gamification, I do think we know our children and we know when they are just in need of a break. [00:20:39] We know when they're in need of a gentle touch. And can I help you with this? I'm really proud to see how you're doing this. Are you proud of this? All of those kind of those moments that we can sort of platform our kids, you know, and just let them know we're paying attention. Let them know that they play an integral role in the family and that we do have expectations as a family unit, but also that they're their own person.
It's recognizing that that is what is so sticky and addictive about a personal device. It feels like it knows you. My challenge to parents is to have your child say the same about you.
Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
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Laura Dugger: I'm going to zero in on two things. When you talked about not always needing rewards and gamification. But in a positive way, I believe you've been on their podcast before and Joey Odom has come on ours, the founder of Aro, co-founder.
That's a great way if you do have phones in the home already. It's just A-R-O. If you look up Aro, that is a gamification system in reverse to reward you from spending time away from your phone and kind of breaking or changing that relationship.
But then how you also said about physical touch. I love how you quote an author and family therapist, Virginia Satir, who said, We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth. Even mentioning the physical touch or the eye contact and the oxytocin and positive neurochemicals that go through our body through our relationship with our children is really great. [00:24:32]
Are there any other practical tips you have for capitalizing on the algorithm in our home?
Erin Loechner: Yes, yes. And I will also just piggyback on what you said. This was a really interesting study that I read. Oxytocin will get sort of deployed in your body when you hear the voice of someone you love. So practically speaking to parents where their children might not be in the home and they rely heavily on text to connect with them if their child is in college or if they're raising adults. If a phone call is not sufficient or if a phone call is really hard to manage with time zones and all of that, just sending an audio message is a really very practical tip to bring that connection further in a way that positively reinforces that relationship. So aim for audio message over text anytime if you can. [00:25:34]
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's good. I love another piece of research that you call out is that surprise is still probably the most powerful tool of all. I'll list that one and a couple others and I'd love for you to share your thoughts. So the element of surprise, bringing that into our home. Also, the invitation to play or the simple task of reading aloud and inviting community. Would you like to elaborate on any of those?
Erin Loechner: Yes, yes. I mean all of those I think are very effective when you put everything into play in your home. But one of the things that we've done is I always tell our community I'm much better at answering the door than answering my phone. So we have always had an open door policy. Everyone can come in. We're kind of the low-tech hangout for our neighborhood. Friends can come over. It's messier. It's louder. [00:26:33]
If we're sort of unwilling to foster this connection online between our children and their friends, we have to give a little bit and we have to give up some of the comforts in our own home. For us that looks like, honestly, you know, kids will just come in and out, teens will come in and out and we feed them and we invite them into whatever's happening at the moment. We'll throw a bonfire or go for walks or really whatever that moment calls for.
But fostering community is probably going to be the biggest aid in terms of fighting tech in the long run. We do need each other. We need each other's support. We need many, many people for our kids to look to, to be able to point to and say, well, they didn't have a smartphone around when I talked to them or they never interrupt me when I'm talking or they're not checked out and looking at something else when we're in the middle of a conversation. They don't even have a device. [00:27:38] You know, any of those things, the more that our kids can see that and experience that and feel how that feels, the more they'll be drawn to it because we all know how it feels to be ignored for a device. It doesn't feel good.
The idea is to keep that from being the norm. They get it a lot elsewhere in the world. So if we can sort of minimize that through our community and the people that we choose as role models for our kids and the people that we bring into their lives, the better.
Laura Dugger: Also, what are some examples of ways that you and your husband have just done little memorable surprises with your kids?
Erin Loechner: Oh, I feel like we're always just dreaming up some little side things and they can be very simple. One of the best examples was from a mother who had shared this with me, but she said that she was having the hardest time. They were habit-training some of the littles and she was having the hardest time getting them to hang up their coats. [00:28:40]
So she just let it be and she put little treats. I think they were jelly beans, but now I can't remember. Put little treats in their coat pockets and just waited, just waited. Any coat pocket that was hanging up would get a treat. Any coat that was not hanging up would not get the treat.
And sure enough, one of the kids stumbled upon their treat in their coat pocket and ran, ran, ran, "Mom, mom, mom, look what's in my..." And all she said with a wink was, "Good things come to those who hang up their coats." With a wink and a smile.
Of course, the habit stuck after that. It was just off to the races from there. But that is in almost every one of the video games that our kids... It's the catch and reward. It's the take the moment where you have noticed something that your child has done that you want to reward, that you want to see repeated, that you want to do again. [00:29:39]
And you just kind of pause and ask, how do we celebrate that moment for just a moment? It doesn't take a lot. It does take presence, but the benefit is when you're not sort of distracted by your own device and when you've kind of limited sort of your own mental load in that department, you can be a little more present to look out for those things to foster with your children.
Laura Dugger: That's a beautiful example. I love that. Big tech companies pay billions of dollars to exploit our longings for connection and belonging. So if we have a completely different and wholesome approach, Erin, what are some ways that we can borrow those attractive features from social media to optimize influence within our own home, especially again, as parents? [00:30:36]
Erin Loechner: You know, from my time as an influencer, it was always very interesting to me to see what would perform well, I guess is how you would say it. Truly, a lot of we know now how-to videos perform wonderfully, the more vulnerable you are, the more hits that you would get. So that's why you'll see a lot of people crying in their car or kind of showing their closet mess or sort of spilling a large portion of their guts online.
That's not new. It's a call for human connection. It is something that we all desire to see people who have shared struggles or who have shared experiences with us and learn from them.
So when we're parenting, if we're trying to kind of earn trust and influence in our kids' lives, if we're trying to be a voice of authority in their lives, it helps deeply if we can approach that from a vulnerable position, if we can talk about things that maybe we did wrong that we wished we had done better, if we can kind of mentor them through some of those stickier times and stickier seasons of life, helping it teaching them new things, teaching them what we're learning, bringing them into that, just like your favorite YouTube personality would do. [00:32:03] Again, the surprise and delight, you know, a lot of things that we've covered already. But those really matter.
And then just from a practical standpoint, I do not think that it's an accident that the posts that perform well in terms of a brand sponsorship deal or that... you know, when you think of styling a photograph for Instagram or for any social media platform, you're not just going to show a book, right?
You're going to lay the book out and you're going to have a cozy blanket nearby with maybe a cup of tea. It's making a family unit into a series of experiences that you are in it together. I'm not saying that you have to style everything in your home or that you have to kind of prepare this immaculate environment, but fire pits, you know, looking out at the stars, being in the fresh air.
I don't know very many brands who don't photograph their products outdoors, or at least with the daylight setting. [00:33:08] It's more appealing. There are just things built into our human nature that really do trigger that connection between people and boost our brain development and help us to be more present.
And those are all things that we can do as families. Those are things we used to do in the family. You know, a good old-fashioned water balloon fight or playing with the hose, you know, fire, water, earth, soil, any of those Waldorf elements from early childhood. If we can recreate those, we are going to be well-positioned to create that environment of delight and of comfort in our home.
Laura Dugger: That's great. And that especially sticks out with the how-to videos being the number one and just how it is such a gift to have somebody teach you something and that we have opportunities daily to do a how-to with our children.
Another way you've summed it up is to be responsive, rewarding, and revealing. [00:34:10] So that alliteration helps. But then also on page 254, you write, "Our homes reflect our habits." So, Erin, what other ideas do you have for using our homes to strategically build family rhythms where all of the members can grow and flourish?
Erin Loechner: Yeah, of course. I mean, when you think about the way that you're setting up your home, it's kind of the same way you would set up your pantry, right? If you don't want to encourage nonstop eating of cookies, you're going to have your little cookie stash up higher than, you know, what's right in the front.
So I would just say when you're creating a home that supports your family's habits, and there's a lot in the book about how to define those, how do you define your family values and how do you define your family culture and all of that. But once you've sort of established what that is, make those things top line, make them front and center. [00:35:12]
If you really value reading books, then integrate a home library, no matter what, you know, make every bedroom have shelves all over. If you really support exploration and outdoors, build that time into your calendar, you know, make sure that the weekends are open for free play outdoors or for a hike or a swim in the lake, whatever it may be.
It's just a matter of working rather than... you know, what the algorithm does is it sort of gives us a passive state of options, right? We're handed all of these things that we could be doing, this, this, and this, and this, and this. But when you're working from your own sort of family culture, and when you're working on your own algorithm path to lead you to a place that does support your values, well, you go first, right? So you just prioritize everything else.
And then there's no room left over for whatever the algorithm wants to show you. [00:36:12] You prioritize what you want to do and what you value. There are many ways to do that. Reading and outdoors, those are really big ones for our family. But I know many families that prioritize entrepreneurship. And so they do a new project in the weekends. Or some really prioritize community service. So they're out of the soup kitchen every Saturday morning. It's truly what real-life experience can you offer to your child so that when they walk out the door, they have a sense of, this is what we do as a family, this is what we do together, this is who we are, that really does support their identity as it shapes into becoming an adult.
Laura Dugger: Well, and you give freedom with those options, but I do love how your family focuses on reading aloud and outdoor time, because those are proven to be healthy and beneficial for all humans. Even one quote that you write on page 255, the research is clear, kids who spend more time outside are calmer, learn better, and sleep better. [00:37:23] And even your simple follow-up idea for building a habit in your home is the after-dinner walk as a family. So just love how attainable that is.
Erin Loechner: Yeah, of course. And you know, if you think of habit stacking, these are all things where you just... when you're thinking of integrating a new habit, just add it onto something that you're already doing. You're going to have family dinner already. So just throw on your shoes and just try it out for just one after dinner. And then maybe it's three to five after dinners. And then maybe it's every night after dinner.
But slowly building the habits from there, because these moments are our child's memories and we want them to be in a spot in the future where they can sort of look back and recall those feelings of childhood. What did it feel like? That is something a phone can't provide. There's no feeling attached to it. It's just content. And we want connection. [00:38:22]
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Can you also tell us about the TMM challenge?
Erin Loechner: Oh yeah. [00:39:19] So what I do a lot with my kids actually, this is kind of a universal phrase you can use in a lot of different situations, but TMM is just "tell me more". And what I noticed in early parenting, I would tend to just sort of spew out a lecture or two when they would come to me with a problem or if they needed advice or just anything that was happening. I was locked and loaded and I was ready to go.
But I found that they really just needed my ear and not so much my words. And so I would just use the simple phrase "tell me more". So if they come in and they say, this thing happened, "Okay, tell me more" rather than jumping into solution mode.
It's another layer of... again, I think one of the goals for us as parents is to really fight that surface-level information that the internet learning has really given us. [00:40:21] A lot of ed tech feels very surfacy. There's not a lot of room or time for depth.
So if we can teach our kids in their own communication with us and with each other to really mine for the deeper meaning behind things and to give ourselves the space to have those conversations and to prioritize their words and the meaning that they're interpreting from those words, that's really, really important.
So instead of just jumping in right away with a solve or a quick fix or a distraction, I like to start with "tell me more" to really better understand and approach the angle that my kid is seeing this from.
Laura Dugger: I love that. It's so memorable and easy to implement. But let's continue to get even more practical. So merging your background as an LA stylist and design blogger with your current passion to disconnect online in order to connect deeper in person. [00:41:25] Will you provide us with some tips for curating our home to actually give our family the rich content technology promises, but rarely delivers?
Erin Loechner: Yeah. I mean, technology is so good at curation. That's why it works so well. There is a lot of information online and Google does a really good job of curating what it wants you to see. So we could do that as parents as well. Walking through your home and editing out anything that's unused or forgotten, anything that's broken. Curating a space that feels as if it supports your values.
I talked about libraries or beautiful art on the walls, things that... we're all drawn to beauty and goodness and truth. And I think we seek that out online. I think it feels really good when we see a pretty picture online, but it feels even better when we live in that pretty picture.
Whatever your taste or style or budget is, you can find ways to implement that. We are almost always at the thrift store when we're in need of something new. And we're sort of swapping things out by seasons. We use a lot of nature in our decorating. We use a lot of poetry, some written by my kids. [00:42:45] If your kids create a lot of artwork, put that front and center. Encourage that habit to create, not just consume.
I think, too, William Morris is one of my go-tos in terms of keeping a lovely home, but he just always has said, never keep anything that you don't believe to be useful or beautiful. That's really it, form and function. You need both. But ideally, you would have form and function. You would have them both at the same time rather than just something's pretty but useless and something's useful but not great to look at.
So thinking about how you're incorporating that, I think that's a really good way to sort of fight the instinct to purchase what you see from the magazine or purchase what you see from the Instagram reel because you recognize, well, I could probably do that on my own with just a little bit of rearranging and finagling right here in my own home.
Laura Dugger: That is great. And how you bring elements of nature in and going back to how you said even library books strewn around, do you have any recommended books for adults or for children as examples of good replacement content? [00:44:05]
Erin Loechner: Oh gosh, yes. Well, I have lots of book recommendations. It depends on the age, but I always revisit the classics. We do a lot of Beatrix Potter. We love C.S. Lewis in my home. I actually really like to read my kids, recognizing that our family path looks different than most.
I like to read my kids' books that really foster independence, standing out from a crowd. I think of Caddie Woodlawn or any of those adventure stories where there's someone who is up against a world that looks very different. We just read Pilgrim's Progress and loved that as a family too.
But family read-alouds. I think when you're looking at the type of book to read, I would think about what issues or character, you know, tricky points in your child's life that you're seeing and just integrate that into your family read-along time. [00:45:08] It's a really simple way to address some of those things because you can often see something in a character that you can't see in yourself.
I have a book called, you've probably heard of this, Honey for a Child's Heart, Gladys Hunt. I often just go through and I just highlight the ones that we've read. But I'd like to borrow a couple of those at the library each week and just keep them on hand and see which ones fly with the kids. It's definitely a trial and error. Not every book will be loved. But you start with some really good quality literature, and I think they kind of lend into that direction later.
Laura Dugger: Oh, that's so good. And just kind of summing this up as well, when you're talking about curating our home, I want to highlight another quote that I've heard in the Charlotte Mason community. That's kind of our philosophy that we follow for homeschooling. But you credit it to Joseph Anderson who is a 17th-century English poet. [00:46:06]
He says that everyone needs three grand essentials of happiness: something to do, someone to love, and something to hope for. I feel like that's one of the ways you've just brought examples even into your book in this conversation of how we can cultivate our family culture around some of those things.
Erin Loechner: Yeah, absolutely. That's a beautiful pillar to work from.
Laura Dugger: Well, then, rather than making opt-out an all-or-nothing thing, what is one practical step that any of us could take today if we're even just opt-out curious?
Erin Loechner: My favorite tip and my favorite step, this is where I started, was, and this is available on optoutfamily.com/tip. What you do is if you have a smartphone and you just want to experiment with what it's like to just have it not be dinging and buzzing at you all the time, or if you just want to experiment with what it is like to move through the world in a way that your kids will eventually be moving through the world if you're not opting for smartphones, is you just turn on all the parental controls on your own phone. [00:47:25]
So it's not even turning off the notifications, but you are just making your smartphone into a dumb phone. And we walk you through how to do this. I think that's a very simple shift to make the parental control feature on yourself rather than your kids. I think that's really beneficial.
The other thing I did, and this actually made a really big difference in supporting that, was I made my phone, the wallpaper in the background, I just turned it black. And what that did was it depersonalized the phone entirely. It became a phone, not my phone. It's like a landline now. It just sits on the kitchen counter. It's available if the kids need to make a phone call. It belongs to no one. It doesn't have internet. It just has phones and messages. And it's just a phone number where we can be reached.
Without that sort of family photo or favorite Bible verse that you see on the wallpaper, without that, it's just been devoted to a tool entirely. [00:48:31] There's nothing personal. My life isn't on there. My life is actually out here. I would start there. I would just turn that black and just see what happens, see what it does in that little friction point in your brain that says, oh, something's different here. I'm going to treat this thing a little differently now.
Laura Dugger: Erin, you are such a creative soul. I love these ideas. I've never considered anything like that before. But you did start to mention a website. So if we've really enjoyed this conversation and we want to learn more from you, where would you direct us?
Erin Loechner: Well, I'm not on social media, of course. But we do have a website, optoutfamily.com. One of the best places to get it... there's a newsletter. We keep everybody up to date on sort of latest tech challenges and how other parents are incorporating some of these ideas in their home.
But one of the things that I'm really passionate right now is if you go to optoutfamily.com/join, we have a co-op program. And it's free, but it's co-opped out. [00:49:40] You can just register to launch or join a chapter in your hometown. We have, gosh, at this point, over 215 chapters globally. So we have 14 countries, all 50 states in the United States.
The idea is it's a multi-generational co-op. So you are merging lots of different people from lots of different perspectives. And everybody is passionate about this idea of what technology is doing to our children's generation.
The idea is by merging all of those age groups, the young will keep the old young and the old will keep the young wise. And we can kind of swap tips about, okay, what did we do in the 80s? What did we do in the 70? How did we navigate this in the 60s, 50s? Nothing is new under the sun. We know that. And so if we can really gain some wisdom from the people who have walked this longer than us, I'm on board for that. [00:50:41]
It's a really beautiful program and yeah, it's available and free to anyone at all. So optoutfamily.com/join, and it's called Co-opped Out.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We'll add links as we always do to the show notes for today's episode. Erin, you may already be familiar that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. So as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Erin Loechner: Oh, goodness gracious. Well, I don't know if this counts, but a new habit I'm forming is that if I want my coffee in the morning, then I have to drink two big cups of water first. That's it. It's ever practical, but it's keeping me hydrated from the get-go instead of just kind of waking up leery-eyed and pounding the caffeine. So if anybody else struggles with that, I highly recommend. [00:51:40]
Laura Dugger: That is such a good idea. Like I said, you are so creative. You're also so kind. I love these ideas that you've shared because they spark delight. So thank you for inspiring us to opt out of technology and to opt in to something far better. It has been such a joy to host you today. I just want to say thank you for being my guest.
Erin Loechner: Thank you, Laura. Thanks for having me.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. [00:52:40] We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. [00:53:44] Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. [00:54:46]
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Feb 03, 2025
Monday Feb 03, 2025
Special Patreon Re-Release Caring for Ourselves While Caring for Our Kids with Rachel Norman
**Transcription Below**
Proverbs 14:1 (AMP) “The wise woman builds her house [on a foundation of godly precepts, and her household thrives], But the foolish one [who lacks spiritual insight] tears it down with her own hands [by ignoring godly principles].”
Questions We Discuss:
- What does it actually look like to take care of ourselves and our kids?
- What is the number one piece of advice you would give to a mom who feels too stressed to enjoy her life?
- What are some practical ways moms can enjoy their families, at all ages and stages?
Rachel Norman is a mother, Language of ListeningⓇ parent coach, and certified baby and toddler sleep consultant. She is also the founder of A Mother Far From Home, an online community dedicated to helping young mothers create peaceful and enjoyable lives for their families, reaching more than a million readers per year. Rachel resides in DeFuniak Springs, Florida, with her husband, Matthew, and their five young children.
Thank You to Our Sponsors: Chick-fil-A East Peoria and The Savvy Sauce Charities (and donate online here)
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:0] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: I'm grateful for today's sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Check them out online to place your order for dining or catering, or to fill out an application to join their friendly team. Visit cfeastpeoria.com.
Hey friends, I wanted to share some exciting news with you. Savvy Sauce Charities has officially received our confirmation from the IRS that all donations are tax deductible. I know that we have super generous listeners, so we wanted to let you know that you can now mail your check to Savvy Sauce Charities, P.O. Box 101, Roanoke, IL 61561. Thanks in advance for supporting Savvy Sauce Charities. [00:01:16]
And now I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons. I love sharing with you authors and books that I adore, and today it's my guest, Rachel Norman.
Rachel is the author of a book titled If Mama Ain't Happy: Why Minding Healthy Boundaries Is Good for Your Whole Family. She draws so much life and wisdom from scripture, and during this conversation, she's going to apply it to motherhood to benefit each of us in our parenting journey.
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Rachel.
Rachel Norman: Thank you so much for having me.
Laura Dugger: Well, will you just start us off by telling us a little bit about yourself, and specifically, what happened in your life that made you realize you'd been trying to be the best mom ever by abandoning yourself?
Rachel Norman: Yes. Lovely way to start today, to talk about this. But praise God I can share my story and hope it'll help somebody else. [00:02:19]
So I am in the Florida Panhandle. That's where I live. I'm a mom of five, had five kids in five years. That wasn't exactly our plan, but these things happen. I met my husband at a sort of ministry, prayer ministry school in the UK, but neither of us lived there, so that's how we ended up — my husband's Australian — moving to Australia, and then we were in America, and then we just kept having kids.
It got to a point where it wasn't so much the logistics of my life, although that was part of it, but it was just this sense that I just had to do, do, do, do, do for everyone else and totally ignore myself, and that that was the godly good thing for me to do. Obviously, this was subconscious.
I ended up sick. I ended up with cancer, actually. This is not the typical manifestation of extreme stress, although it's becoming more typical in our world now. [00:03:18] It was just a time where I felt like God tapped me on the shoulder. A famous researcher into cancer uses this quote, Chris Wark. So I'm not going to, you know, pilfer it from him, but I'll quote him, that cancer can be God tapping you. Not all types now, of course.
But for me, mine being a lifestyle type, it can be God tapping you on the shoulder, saying, "The way you are living is killing you." For me, I could just look back and see how I had just, in an effort to be such a good mom, like I knew that my calling was to be a mom. I knew that my heart, this is the most important thing to me, the end. You know what I mean? It is. It was. It just will be. It is what I feel like I was put on this earth to do.
So I just got all confused and kind of felt like that meant that I just, you know, needed to ignore everything about myself or what I needed, or that anything that I thought I might need to do for myself was selfish. And just went on this kind of, almost sounds crazy when I say it all together, in like a one-minute blur. [00:04:23]
But I think we can all tend to do this and just get so wrapped up in loving and caring for others that it almost feels like just doing these basic, normal human things are somehow selfish. And then I just had stopped doing them.
So it was just a big wake-up call for me to realize I had not taken care of myself at all. And now I couldn't even take care of the people that I needed to because I was not well. I'm sorry I went on and on.
Laura Dugger: No, thank you for sharing the reality of that journey. And just so we're not hanging on that right now, is there an update with your cancer journey and are you in remission?
Rachel Norman: Oh, yes. Thank you for asking. Yes. We had caught it very early. And so I've been over three years cancer-free. So praise God for that. Yes.
Laura Dugger: Praise God for sure. So contrary then to abandoning ourselves, what does it actually look like to take care of ourselves and our kids? [00:05:22]
Rachel Norman: This is a great question. I think this is sort of almost the million-dollar question, you know? I think what it amounts to... I mean, for me, it always comes back to what we think about things, you know. So whatever we've decided in our mind, we kind of go in that direction, if that makes sense. So, for me, this meant deciding, okay, all the kids' needs need to be met. I want to do that and so do my own and I'm going to meet them. It's almost like you just open that up and just deciding, Okay, I'm going to do this now. I'm actually going to take care of myself. Then you start to see what this looks like.
So this might look like, for example, the kids all want to kind of stay up late, but you're absolutely exhausted. And this looks like saying, actually, no, we're going to respect the bedtime and you're going to go to bed because I need to go to bed. Does that make sense? Instead of like, well, they just don't want to, and then now you've missed out on three hours of sleep and even the next day you have to take three more cups of coffee. You see what I'm saying? [00:06:21]
So it's kind of in the moment you're looking for a win-win instead of the kids always winning and you always lose. So this is like, okay, well, during the day, maybe you're just totally worn out. And especially this can happen, you know, say you're at home with the kids and they want to go somewhere. I don't know. They want to go to the park. They want to go out here or there. And you actually have a lot of things that need to be done. You really need to do them.
What can normally happen is our brains like, okay, well, if I stay home they're going to miss out on the fun and then they're going to feel like I'm a fuddy-duddy and I can't ever just let these things go and just be in the moment. And so then this means all the things we needed to get done, don't get done. Now we're feeling all these feelings, right?
A win-win is like, okay, you guys want to go do this. And all of these things, these legitimate adult responsibilities need to be done. There must be some way we can all win. And that might be we do what needs to be done first and then we play. Or it might be, you know, today is a day we do what needs to be done and tomorrow we play. [00:07:18] So it's just thinking. We don't always have to just ignore what needs to be done because these things weigh on us so heavily.
I have this YouTube video on reasons moms struggle to be present and it always hits home. Because it's like, of course, you can't be present at the park for three hours. You've got a whole stack of bills and a whole sink of dishes and you feel bad. You feel like it's almost doing some harm to the kids to do them. Not all moms do, but I don't know if I'm making sense here.
Laura Dugger: I think you're making a ton of sense. And truly it is teaching them relational EQ basically because when they're older, even in their marriages and their friendships, it's not all about either side. And I love how you talk about the win-win. That's great.
So like you mentioned, just a huge piece of caring for ourselves and our kids is respecting our limits and requirements for sleep. You happen to be a certified sleep training coach. [00:08:20] So what wisdom do you want to share as it relates to that important role of sleep really in all our lives?
Rachel Norman: Oh yeah. I mean, obviously I love this. I was joking with my husband the other day. I mean, I've loved sleeping even since I was a child. But I think for me, one of the biggest things about our boundaries relating to sleep is they're not really as movable as you think.
So the key is, and this is with kids and ourselves, you know, there's a normal range that we all have and most everybody and kids are within that, but you really have to figure out how much sleep you need. And then that's just something that you have to respect. It's not something that you can change necessarily.
Now it could be a time where there's a period of time where you're sleeping far more than normal because maybe healing or maybe there's something kind of emotionally trying relationship issues. These things can make us more tired for a season. But as we begin to get more rested, then if we need a little bit less later, it will show itself. [00:09:23]
For example, some moms, it's like they stay up really late and then they have to get up early anyway because the kids are going to get up early. So maybe they only get like six hours, but they really need eight. If over time you just continually don't get as much as you need, it just makes you... there's just a lot of bad things that happen when you're exhausted.
I mean, you know, of course, it's linked with mental health issues. There's anxieties or depression with our actual physical health issues because sleep is the way God has made our bodies to regenerate from the day.
So I think the key there is just to realize that there is a level of self-control that comes with sleep and it's just something that we need to respect, and also with our kids, you know, so that we can be at our best the next day.
But it's just paying attention to your own body and not guilting yourself. You know, a lot of moms, it's like by 9 pm they're so tired but then they feel so guilty because they can't stay up late and they're like, you know, depriving their husbands of that time with them. And so then they... it's just like, Oh, we make it so icky. [00:10:24] You're exhausted. You need to go to sleep. Just sleep. Just go to bed.
Laura Dugger: I love how you point out, there's a correlation between getting adequate sleep and self-control. So if you hang with me for a second, when you said that, it instantly made me think, okay, self-control is one of the fruits of the spirit. So it is produced by the Spirit, but we also can quench the Spirit or help him cultivate that fruit in our lives. Rachel, it seems like a really practical way to not quench the spirit is to do our part where we're being disciplined.
Rachel Norman: Oh, I agree. We don't always have this luxury, but when we're just at a more calm place, we can just sense God's presence more. We can make better decisions.
And whenever we're just exhausted or we're past the point in that state of heightened desperation, it's very hard to make long-term healthy choices for ourselves. I think when we can think of some of these things that God gave us, that He just put in place, and then we can respect those, it can alleviate a lot of guilt. [00:11:32] We are so guilt-ridden.
And I found personally, I don't know if you've experienced this Laura, but I found that I was so busy guilting and condemning myself that I thought it was conviction from God, but it was not. And so I felt like I was constantly displeasing God if, Oh, I was tired and I need to sleep, or I just need to tell the kids “no”. Or I say, actually, we can't do that because I can't cope. I felt such guilt. And I just thought it was... it was myself. I was literally keeping more burdens on myself. And I just stopped that because that did not have good fruit.
Like it says in Luke, wisdom is proven right by its fruit. It was very bad fruit of that. And it turned out it was myself. It wasn't even God. God wasn't saying don't sleep, ignore yourself. Just really wasn't.
Laura Dugger: I'm so with you. I experienced so much mom guilt. And it goes in seasons, but I remember one moment of clarity when I was like you, I thought it was conviction, even though the Lord brought me to second Corinthians 7:10 that says, Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. [00:12:45] I think it really was that-
Rachel Norman: Oh, that's a good word.
Laura Dugger: ... worldly sorrow and more so from the enemy condemning me rather than the Lord's gentle conviction that feels completely different.
Rachel Norman: It does. And it leads nowhere. Once you realize that's happening, you can start to say, Oh, this isn't something that's going to lead anywhere. This is just me stewing over my failures or by perceived failures. Even it can be a cycle we get stuck in. It honestly can. Many moms get stuck in this and it's very debilitating.
Laura Dugger: What if somebody is in a season where there is a newborn or there's some outside circumstance. Maybe they struggle with insomnia daily. What encouragement do you have for that person about prioritizing sleep?
Rachel Norman: Well, I just have a lot of encouragement. Or even if it's not sleep that they're struggling with, but you know, if there's relational issues or sicknesses or you have a child with special needs. There's a lot of things outside of ourselves that are relentless, if I could use that word. [00:13:44]
My encouragement in this, aside from the basics to take your genuine emotions as you really are to God so that He can comfort you in that is to just wherever you are currently at sort of respect that place in life and just try to live within the boundaries that you can at this time. When I say that, I mean, there are certain times in life we can't carry on like it's normal. Things are not normal. So we have to not do some things that we might normally do.
And we just got to drop them. And we got to drop the guilt. So this might mean we pare back our family schedule. It might mean we let go of commitments and then we stop feeling like the whole world's going to fall apart if we do that. Because what's actually falling apart is us, not the world.
I was reading, actually yesterday, in scripture and it was saying human hands can't meet God's needs. Actually, God has no needs. He is the one that keeps us breathing and living. [00:14:44] And I thought, Oh my goodness, how often do us moms actually feel like He needs us or the whole world's going to fall apart? No, we are falling apart.
So sometimes we just need to say, you know what? I can't control the world and other people might for a season have to handle themselves. Not our little kids. Obviously, we're always handling them. But you know, maybe it's friends or it's commitments or things we're doing at our church or whatever. Sometimes we have to pare back life so dramatically to be able to be okay in this time period. And that's not only okay. That's actually wise. It's a wise thing to do.
Laura Dugger: Okay. And then to elaborate on wisdom, I just love your quote on page eight. You write, "I think happiness may be a natural byproduct of wise living." So can you elaborate on that, Rachel?
Rachel Norman: Yes. The book is called If Mama Ain't Happy. And that's just kind of the saying if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. [00:15:44] I think most of us would agree. We're not walking around like our goal in life is not to be happy. That doesn't even seem noble. It's not even possible all the time. Right?
But the more wise decisions that we make, you're just the more we kind of just do what the Bible says and don't do what it doesn't say and act with common sense. This is actually where I feel like we've gone off the rails in this way. We've sort of left common sense, you know, where we don't sleep when we're tired, we don't eat when we're hungry.
But when we just live in this place of common sense, you were just more at peace. When you're at peace, there's just this sense of contentment. And then some circumstances might come and we're not overly impressed by them. You can kind of get to a place and hopefully everybody doesn't have to do what I did. I kind of got to this place because life got so sort of traumatic that all of these things just fell off never to come back on again.
The perspective that I had about life so drastically changed that it couldn't unchange. [00:16:44] Things that would have seemed like a problem, I'm like, I'm not even impressed by that problem. It's like, Oh, our sewers leaking and the washing machine broke and the dishwasher broke and all of these things that I'm just... I'm not impressed by these problems.
When we can learn to really just be wise. We ask God for wisdom and He gives it to us. Right? And then not second guess that. I was reading in Job a few months ago and when God is talking to Job and He says, Who gives intuition to the mind or instinct to mind, intuition to the heart? We can learn to, certainly if it doesn't go against scripture, just follow those.
We've almost been trained, you know, with there's so much out there, so much information, and there's so many different parenting styles. And then in this parenting style, they always do this. We've sort of almost just ignored what our intuition says, ignore what our instinct says, ignore common sense and just like waiting on other people to tell us what to do. And it means that in the moment we don't know what to do and we feel confused. [00:17:44] And then this makes us more stressed.
What do we really need? Like, is this wise? Does it make sense? And then just do it. And the more we live like that, the more areas of our life come into alignment with just being in an order that makes sense, and then the more you're just okay. And then from that place, then you're able to use the gifts God gave you to do the things that are on your heart to do instead of coming from a place of being very much bad and not okay, but forcing yourself to do all these other things because you think that you need to do them.
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsors.
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Laura Dugger: We are so excited to celebrate with you that The Savvy Sauce Charities received our IRS confirmation that all donations are officially tax deductible. We hope that you're going to take action to partner with us. There are details laid out on our website, which is TheSavvySauce.com and they're going to walk you through the process to donate and it's also going to share our tax ID number.
The donation process is as easy as just filling out a check for Savvy Sauce Charities and mailing it to P.O. Box 101 Roanoke, Illinois, 61561. If we've contributed to your life in any way by resourcing you to grow closer and intimacy with God and others, would you now contribute to us financially? In this way, we are so excited to partner together and hopefully meet each other's needs.
Our team wants to continue producing these podcasts and we're expecting that if you're listening right now, you value The Savvy Sauce Charities enough to make a donation. We view this work as ministry. So we happily spend thousands of dollars each year to record and produce these episodes. Our ultimate prayer is that your experience with Savvy Sauce Charities will make an impact for eternity.
So if that is true for you, if you've ever received a blessing in any way from this nonprofit, would you prayerfully consider donating to Savvy Sauce Charities? Any amount is greatly appreciated. And in fact, you've heard me say before, if every listener gave only $1 per month, it would completely offset all our costs. And again, we have all the details listed on our website, thesavvysauce.com if you are interested in making a donation, we look forward to partnering with you.
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Laura Dugger: Well, and Rachel, this is not prescriptive because I'm sure this will look different for every single one of us, but it's also really helpful to have examples. So looking back on those seasons, what were the things that you actually let go of that were gone forever? And then what are a few of those things that the Lord did call you to that you held or carried on even while mothering?
Rachel Norman: I let go of a lot of out-of-the-home activities. I just was like, That's it. We're not doing those.
I made sure that I was still having some encouragement with some godly friends. But this idea that I always needed to go out and do so, I just dropped a lot of the things that were bringing me outside of the home.
Now this might look different. As you said, it's not prescriptive. So somebody who is maybe more extroverted, they might need to keep those in to be okay.
I've always liked things tidy and orderly. I don't want my home environment to be ugly or chaotic because it's where I spend most of my time. And if it is, I just don't feel good. So that's fine. [00:22:26] We have great routines, just simple, tidy routines. We don't have a lot of stuff, that makes it easier.
But what I dropped was this like... what I used to do is if I would see a mess, I would flip it on myself and be like, I'm a failure at being a housekeeper, you know? So I took these things as a sign that I was like lazy. So I dropped that. It was like the Lord healed me. There must've been something inside that was like, I have to earn, I have to be good enough, I have to do it really work hard all the time or God is upset at me. I dropped that.
So I know that's not exactly practically what you asked, but that was the biggest thing because then I could now just see a mess and be like, all right, everybody, let's tidy up. And then we tidy up and it's done.
So a lot of this I feel like just does goes back to how we are viewing ourselves, what we really are thinking. So is God sitting here like whacking me? Does this mean I'm a horrible woman because the house is a mess? No. [00:23:19]
I think a lot of this is just figuring out, you know, I don't know lies we believe or coping strategies we've used since we were a kid. I mean, it's just different for all of us. But I dropped a lot of this self-condemning, critical talk against myself. I was my biggest critic and I was always criticizing myself. And I did it because I thought it was going to make me be a better mom. But it didn't. It was condemning and it meant I honestly had a very hard time hearing from the Lord because I just always thought he was mad at me.
So honestly, the biggest thing that we can do is first look at what are your commitments? Do these align with what your life is right now? If they don't, drop them. The kids will be okay. The kids will be okay. The kids are going to be okay. They're actually going to be more okay if you're okay. And so the idea that you could, we could run ourselves into the ground and then that's better for the kids is just not true because it's not ever great for the kids if their mother is a shell of herself. [00:24:18]
Laura Dugger: I just love your interaction with scripture and you weave that throughout your book. So can you share how you think we tend to misinterpret Philippians 2:3, which says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves..."?
Rachel Norman: Yes. It's almost like we just think, Oh, that's selfish. That's selfish. That's self. You know, it's a word we kind of throw around. And also for Christian women, it's sort of like our worst nightmare to be selfish. We're like, no, that's horrible. And then we don't even want to see it or don't want to believe that that is true.
So whenever you look up what actually like selfishness or sport, you know, for your own gain, it is not the sense of just doing basic care for yourself. This is like stepping on somebody on your way up the ladder or kind of cheating to get what you want or manipulating or lying to get things to be how you want them to be.[00:25:18] It's just sort of neglecting those around you so you can focus on your own advancement. This is the sentiment that's in that scripture.
Like this is not the same thing as taking a bath once every couple of days. You know what I mean? Like we extrapolate that down so deeply that it seems like anything we do that might not make other people in our family happy now seems selfish. And that's a real danger because none of us are happy all the time. And that almost makes our compass our kids emotions. And this is not a plumb line.
What does it actually mean to be selfish? Does it mean, if, say, to use the example we used earlier, you know, the kids are all kind of begging to go out to the park or whatever and we really have adult responsibilities? Genuinely is it selfish if we say, "Actually I need to pay these bills. I need to make these appointments." Is that really selfish or is that what a responsible grownup would do? See what I mean? [00:26:20]
We think even things that are just normal are selfish because we're so kind of in everybody's emotions. I mean, I feel like any Bible believer has to realize that our emotions can tell us all manner of things that lead us into sin as well. You know, I might cry because something was good or I might say, actually we can't only eat brownies for dinner. And that might really make the kids mad, but that doesn't mean it was bad?
Of course, we care about our kids' emotions or we wouldn't be tied up in these circles. So of course we're going to emotionally support them and we're going to be there for them. And this isn't selfish. This is just taking care of the things that are our responsibilities to take care of. And if we feel guilty doing the things that we're responsible for, well then we're always going to be miserable.
Laura Dugger: I have my copy of your book right in front of me. You even list some really helpful questions to think about. So I'm just going to choose a few of these. You say, "Is getting enough rest so that we don't fall asleep at the wheel selfish?" [00:27:20]
Rachel Norman: And that's true. I'm not even being just exaggerative to make a point. There are many, many moms that are so tired. They're like falling down the stairs, can barely walk down the stairs with their baby, they're falling asleep at the wheel, but they feel guilty trying to teach them how to sleep. I'm like, no, no, you can do this mom.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. I can't remember after which kid it was, but I remember at a stoplight just thinking, well, if I just close one eye at a time.
And then just a few other questions. Is having a few free hours a month or maybe even a week selfish? Is having some control over our daily routines and habits selfish? Is requiring our children to occasionally wait while we carry out an adult responsibility selfish?
I just thought those were wonderful to externalize all these things that we may carry in our minds. I know even yesterday we were on a walk, I had a few of our kids with us and we ran into some friends, and I had to keep reminding one of my daughters, "Okay, wait your turn. [00:28:25] It's not your turn. You cannot interrupt." And I felt this inner turmoil of, "Oh, I'm not giving her all my attention right now, but really that's okay.
Rachel Norman: Yeah. She'll get to talk. Yes. Like you feel bad. Like you said, they're not getting my attention. And then I'm like, does this child get a lot of attention? This child gets tons of attention. They're going to be okay this time. They're going to be fine. So right now they can wait.
It's almost like just carrying the thought through a little bit can help us. The more I sort of ignored myself and dropped everything I was doing all the time to give all of my attention to the kids, the more entitled to anything they wanted at any time they wanted, they became. And that was a hard hit for me because, you know, I didn't want to raise entitled kids. It was like an aha moment. You know, you sometimes have these moments and it's like scales fall off your eyes and you're like, well, look at that.
I was on the phone. It was an important phone call. It was like a medical call. I was like negotiating. It was important. I had come all the way to my office to have some quiet privacy to do this, then one of my kids came open the door, barged in, just started talking over me. [00:29:31] And I was like, "I'm on the phone, baby. Baby. I'm on the phone." Totally ignored me. Just kind of went, and it was like kind of had that Twilight moment. And I was like, Oh my goodness.
Now, I have trained my kids... Now, of course, we all are responsible for our own actions. Right. But I have in this sort of ecosystem environment, a family life, trained them that it doesn't matter what I'm doing. I will listen to whatever they have to say. And it meant that I ended up never being able to do... I couldn't make this one important phone call. I mean, I literally had to push him out and close the door.
Now, this child also has some special needs that make it a little bit harder for him to kind of not act compulsively, but then I couldn't unsee it. Then I began to see it day after day, how they just totally acted like nothing I was doing was important because they had something right then that there was a lot of entitlement going on. And me refusing to sort of hold a boundary, that actually I'm doing this right now, I'll be done in five minutes. You know, I don't got to yell. There's not even a need for a stern voice. [00:30:34] It's just, I'm doing this. I'll be with you in a second.
Refusing to do that because I thought it was somehow neglecting them, had actually created a monster. And it took a little bit of time to come back from that. And I'm happy to report we're back from that. And that's not the world I'm living in now. And it's just much lighter and freer. "Nope, sorry, I can't do that right now, babe. Actually, I can't think about two things at once. So give me a minute and we'll talk about it." And they're like, "Okay." It's just actually meant that interpersonally, they can read the cues.
Laura Dugger: Wow, that's such a great point of what we miss out on teaching them like reading body language. Again, that self-control. Because even as adults, we may want to interrupt and we still have to practice that restraint.
So what is the number one piece of advice that you would give to a mom who feels too stressed out right now to enjoy her life?
Rachel Norman: Well, one thing I would probably suggest is to really pull back on all of your input of information. If you're in a really hard spot, I would almost do like an info fast, you know, and just be like, it's just going to be me, God, and life. [00:31:41] Or if you need one person that might mentor you. Because I sometimes think this just overabundance of information confuses us. And I think just bringing your world back, just thinking, Lord, help me to hear what my intuition and my instinct and my common sense is telling me.
Because if that's where you get to, if this is sort of the filter with which you're going to try to get through this season or pull out or make some changes, then every little thing that happens throughout our days, we can filter through that. And I'm assuming any of these normal things we're deciding to do or not do all match scripture, right? So this is why I'm saying, in the moment, what is it you think is right? Just then do that.
You know, we had to get back to the basics of life. I feel like in generations prior, they had to rely on what they just felt like, okay, well, what do I feel like the Holy Spirit saying? What gives me the most peace? What makes the most sense? This is what I'm going to do.
And I don't care if culture is not doing that. I actually don't care if culture says it's bad. I don't care what culture says. Culture never led us in the right direction anyway. [00:32:43] We got to somehow separate our family life from this relentless steamroller path that everybody in the world seems to be on that just really seems to lead to misery. We got to get off it and then separate ourselves from it enough that we're not seeing what everybody else is doing. And it's creating more turmoil.
Laura Dugger: Like you said, letting God's peace be our guide. In Proverbs, it says about wisdom, and all her paths are peace.
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I'm just going to kind of put together a few other quotes that you had just to give people a taste of the wisdom that's scattered throughout your book. One place you say, "In short, we treat babies exactly the opposite of how we treat ourselves." And then two other ones. You say, "Organizing your life so that it doesn't make you crazy is not a luxury. It's a responsibility.
Rachel Norman: Yes, I think if we think about it like that, it's freeing. If you think, oh, wow, it's actually my job to make sure my life doesn't drive me nuts. Yes! It's like you're giving yourself permission.
Laura Dugger: This one may be my favorite, but you're right. "At times, the very hardest things to do are the best for you."
Rachel Norman: Wish it weren't so.
Laura Dugger: Rachel, we had just talked briefly about the guilt that so many experience. So how can moms deal with the massive guilt that influence our inner dialogue and consequently our decisions? [00:34:51]
Rachel Norman: I mean, the first thing you can really do is just to start to recognize that it's a strategy that you've created at some point that you thought was helping you. So once you realize that the guilt isn't actually necessarily true... Society kind of is acting like guilt and shame are all wrong but I think we're kind of going sideways on that because we actually are made to feel bad for doing things that are wrong.
But it goes sideways when we make ourselves feel bad for doing things that weren't wrong. So even just thinking about you were so tired, you didn't do the dishes before going to bed. You're going to do them in the morning. Not doing the dishes before bed is not a sin. You know what I mean? This is actually not a moral failing.
So these are the type of things that we can now heap guilt on ourselves for. Like, is this even moral? Am I feeling guilty over something that isn't even moral? You know, you got to start to kind of evaluate why. And then this is a little bit will start breaking the power of that guilt over you to where you can just sort of get rid of it and then just deal with the situation at hand, which in this dishes case could be, you know, "I'm really tired. I know I'm going to do the dishes when I wake up. It's okay. That's fine." [00:35:58] And that's it. It doesn't have to be anything. You don't have to feel anything about it.
So it's recognizing the difference between feeling guilty for something you actually did wrong and just making yourself feel guilty to try to motivate yourself to be good. Once you can sort of separate them out, then you can start to be like, actually, I feel guilty, but this isn't even moral. Like I didn't actually do anything wrong. It loses its power over you a little bit.
Laura Dugger: Then I just have to share one more of your quotes that I think I need to hear this repeatedly, but it kind of ties some of these questions together on page 19, where you write, "If we believe this message that we are only good mothers when our children are happy, then we cannot enforce healthy meals, appropriate bedtimes, reasonable self-care, hygiene routines, or anything that goes against our children's moods."
Rachel Norman: Oh yeah. If our children's moods are our compass, then we're in for a wild rollercoaster ride.[00:36:57] Even we can't even use our own emotions as a guide for our decisions. In some way we do, they inform us, but they can't be our masters. And our kids' emotions certainly can't be our masters.
I've explained to my kids since they were little, before they even understood it. Mommy loves you so much that I'm always thinking of... I'm thinking of long-term, I want you to have a healthy, happy life, literally all the way until you go be with the Lord. So sometimes I'm going to make choices that in the short period you don't like, because I know that they're good for the whole of your life. You don't always have to give a reason. I don't mean it like that.
Sometimes it's like, when your kids ask for a reason, it can be like, Okay, I'm not going to change my mind. If you want me to give you the reason so you can try to convince me to do differently, I'm not going to do that. This is what I've chosen, but I'll give you my reason. Because the kids like to know, you know? And so it can be like, the reason I've decided nobody can play Little League, for example, I had a friend at church, I said, how are you? She was perpetually strung out. And she was like, "We're doing great. We said no sports this semester." And I actually got my life back. [00:37:57]
So in this case, it'd be like, "Okay, this is what we're doing. Here's why. You don't have to like it." Our kids never have to like anything or not like it. We can't control that. But we can say, I know that it's good for all of us. This short-term hiatus is going to be good for all of us. And then this teaches the kids to think laterally, as my father-in-law would say, you know, to take more things into account instead of just what I want right now. So it actually teaches kids so many life skills.
Laura Dugger: And then, as moms, how can we identify when we're playing the martyr?
Rachel Norman: Oh, that's a great question. I think this, the easiest way is to just realize like, okay, do I feel like I never get what I want and I never get what I need? I'm not saying go into a self-pity here. I'm saying recognize when we're feeling that.
Because what happens is if we ignore all of our needs, they come out sideways. So we think we're not being selfish, but we actually become more selfish because we actually become very resentful. We start to be like, everybody always gets what they want. I never do. [00:39:00] We start to become almost depressed sometimes, like, everything about life stinks. Because when we ignore the things that we need, they do not go away, but they end up kind of exploding out. Or it's like, I'm never going to make the kids clean up because they don't want to. It's ruining their childhood or whatever. And then they complain. So I'm not. You act like you're not going to, and then one day you literally blow up and scream at them because there's a huge mess. You see what I mean? So it comes out anyway.
So I think like, no, you notice if you're martyring is because you start to feel all these like bitterness, anger, resentment, and all these. These are signaling something's going on. So now, I don't know, pray, get your journal out. Why am I feeling like this? You know, you know why you feel bad if you feel bad. We know it. You know if your life's unmanageable. And I'll say, why is your life crazy? Because I'm always in the car five hours a day, taking everybody everywhere they want to go and I don't want to do it, just to use the example of an over-full schedule. But you know why. It's being honest with ourselves. [00:39:57]
I noticed that Christian moms we find it very hard to be honest with ourselves. We love going into denial because it makes us feel more spiritual sometimes, instead of going before God in the honest truth of what's actually happening and how we actually feel about it. You're miserable. You're making everybody miserable because you're miserable. And actually we're all suffering because we're all too busy. We got to be honest. And I think this is the main thing that needs to happen and then we just stop martyring ourselves.
Laura Dugger: What are some practical ways that moms can enjoy their families at all the ages and stages?
Rachel Norman: That's a great question. First of all, it's knowing what season we're in based on the circumstances and then it's respecting that. Is this a postpartum season? Is this the kind of first year young baby season? Okay. Well, in order to respect that season, what needs to give? And then let it go. Or what do I need to change to make this season be manageable? Make those changes. [00:40:56] Or as the kids get older, what would help us all be able to have a more peaceful family life?
You know what the things are. If you just sit down and be honest with yourself, you know what it would be. It might be the kids are a little bit older and they're doing a lot more things outside of the home and you're all enjoying that, but it means that the home isn't really getting taken care of, say for example. So what would really make that be easier? Well, everybody pitched in. Okay. That's just what needs to happen.
So it's kind of like knowing what season you're in and then truly respecting it and having your life and your choices and your family's routines and schedules reflect what season you're actually in and realizing that life has ebbs and flows and nothing we decide to do now for the next three months means we have to do it forever.
Laura Dugger: This is the last quote that I'll read, but on page 82, after you share a lot of pieces of scripture, you write, "These are just a smattering of commands from God's word. And when we put them all together, they take up a lot of our time. They are also a great reminder of why we needed Jesus in the first place." [00:42:01] So Rachel, for you, what is the role of faith in your day-to-day life, both personally and as a family?
Rachel Norman: I wouldn't be here without the Lord. I mean, that's just the bottom line. Because in my cancer journey, there was some miraculous things that happened. So, to me, I feel like I'm in a bonus life that I don't deserve only because of God. And so if I start to feel like anything pulls me away from Him, to me, that's a massive red flag.
And I'm not saying I do this perfectly. I might get a couple of steps away or here or there, and then I think, no, I can't do that. That's pulling my heart. It ain't happening. Or if family life feels like it's crazy to where there's no time for the things that are truly important, no, we're not doing those things. Tell it to your therapist later, kids. We're not doing that. That's not happening because I just feel very strongly the call to make the home a sanctuary where there's actual time and space to think about these spiritual, eternal, important things. [00:43:10]
I'm ruthless about what we're going to spend our family time on. I'm ruthless about what's going to take me away from them. I think in that way, it just feels like we're centered on the flow of life that we have with the Lord. I don't really know how else to say it. It's like we're centered on... we're not going to do the things the Bible says not to do. We're going to try to do the things that it says to do.
This takes up a huge amount of time. And if anything else threatens my ability to do that, I just knock it out. And if I start to feel guilt or I start to feel envy or I start to think I'm not doing X, Y, Z, then I think, does X, Y, Z have eternal value? And if it doesn't, then I don't care. Or maybe I still want to... you know, oh, my friends went to wherever, Disney. Maybe I want to go to Disney. That doesn't have eternal value. Maybe I want to. Fine. But I'm not letting these things consume me.
I'm not going on some rampage where I'm saving this to be able to take the kids. No, I'm not. I'm focusing on the simple basics of family life. I'm loving the kids, taking care of us all, enriching our own family experiences. [00:44:13] We are talking about God. We're using opportunities when normal things happen. What does Scripture say? We're digging deeper in that. We're preparing our kids for them to just, I don't know, live a victorious life in as they go on.
And this takes up so much time. I don't even know how other people add in all the stuff they do. But for me, and maybe they have a larger capacity than I do, and that probably is the case, but I think, what is my capacity? I need to live within it in a way that I can still show God to my kids, and I can still commune with God myself, and I can still be at peace enough that I can actually live out what I feel like I'm supposed to do. Anything else is just gotta go, and I don't care. I think that was more than you asked for. I hope that makes sense.
Laura Dugger: Yeah. I think it boils down to a lot of humility. That's really inspiring. Rachel, if we want to learn more from you after this chat, where can we find you online? [00:45:14]
Rachel Norman: Oh, yeah. A Mother Far From Home is my website, and I have lots of great family routines and all that kind of stuff there. So, amotherfarfromhome.com. I'm also on YouTube and talk a lot about the similar stuff. A Mother Far From Home is my YouTube handle.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We will link to that in the show notes for today's episode. And you may be familiar, we're called The Savvy Sauce, because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so, as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Rachel Norman: So, I would say my savvy sauce is my ability to make a good routine that means that everything gets done without the stress. So, I feel like this should be all of our savvy sauces, just to make a good routine and habit for ourselves and for our kids that just sort of autopilots the things that need to be done so that we are just more at peace and have more time. That's for sure my shtick.
Laura Dugger: I love it. It reminds me of a quote I heard this week where somebody said, order your home rather than ordering your child. [00:46:21] I think your rhythms and routines that you talk about go along with that.
Rachel Norman: Oh, I love that. I love that. That is so true.
Laura Dugger: Well, Rachel, you've lived such a fascinating life. And just in this conversation, hearing how you've been seeking after the Lord and then hearing how He's drawn near to you was all an encouragement to me today. So, thank you for being my guest.
Rachel Norman: Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior. [00:47:23]
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. [00:48:24] Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. [00:49:27]
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Jan 27, 2025
Monday Jan 27, 2025
*DISCLAIMER* This episode is intended for adults
252. Maximizing Sexual Connection as Newlyweds to Long Term Marriages and Recovering from a Sexless Marriage with Dr. Clifford & Joyce Penner
**Transcription Below**
Ephesians 5:21 (NIV) Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Questions and Topics We Cover:
- What are a couple of your most important tips for newlyweds?
- What are your favorite recommendations to share with couples who want to be proactive and enhance their sexual intimacy, even if things are currently going pretty well?
- Will you define what constitutes a sexless marriage and share any trends you've seen over the years?
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Sam Leman Eureka
Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner are best known for their pioneer work in encouraging people of all faiths to connect their sexuality with their belief system ─ helping them embrace sex as good and of God. Dr. Clifford is a licensed clinical psychologist and Joyce is a registered nurse and clinical nurse specialist. They are highly respected authors and speakers, in addition to being parents and grandparents.
Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner’s Website
At The Savvy Sauce, we will only recommend resources we believe in! We want you to be aware: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites.
Books By Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner:
Enjoy! The Gift of Sexual Pleasure for Women
The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex
The Gift of Sex: A Guide to Sexual Fulfillment
Sex FAQ We Didn’t Have Time to Cover Today
Previous Savvy Sauce Episodes with Dr. Clifford & Joyce Penner:
Easy Changes to Enhance Your Sexual Intimacy in Marriage with Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner
Additional Previous Episodes on Sexual Intimacy on The Savvy Sauce:
Fostering a Fun, Healthy Sex Life with your Spouse with Dr. Jennifer Konzen
Ways to Deepen Your Intimacy in Marriage with Dr. Douglas Rosenau
Ten Common Questions About Sex, Shared Through a Biblical Worldview with Dr. Michael Sytsma
Hope For Treating Pelvic Pain with Tracey LeGrand
Treatment for Sexual Issues with Certified Sex Therapist, Emma Schmidt
Talking With Your Kids About Sex with Brian and Alison Sutter
Natural Aphrodisiacs with Christian Certified Sex Therapist, Dr. Douglas Rosenau
Pain and Joy in Sexual Intimacy with Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist, Dr. Jessica McCleese
Identifying and Fighting Human Trafficking with Dr. Jeff Waibel
Hormones and Body Image with Certified Sex Therapist, Vickie George
Passion Pursuit with Dr. Juli Slattery
Female Orgasm with Sue Goldstein
Erectile Dysfunction, Premature Ejaculation, and Treatments Available with Dr. Irwin Goldstein
Turn Ons, Turn Offs, and Savoring Sex in Marriage with Dr. Jennifer Konzen
Desire Discrepancy in Marriage with Dr. Michael Sytsma
Answering Listener's Questions About Sex with Kelli Willard
Anatomy of an Affair with Dave Carder
Supernatural Restoration Story with Bob and Audrey Meisner
Healthy Minds, Marriages, and Sex Lives with Drs. Scott and Melissa Symington
Female Pornography Addiction and Meaningful Recovery with Crystal Renaud Day
Building Lasting Relationships with Clarence and Brenda Shuler
Healthy Ways for Females to Increase Sexual Enjoyment with Tracey LeGrand
Pornography Healing for Spouses with Geremy Keeton
Sexual Sin Recovery for You and Your Spouse (Part Two)
Personal Development and Sexual Wholeness with Dr. Sibylle Georgianna
Our Brain’s Role in Sexual Intimacy with Angie Landry
Discovering God's Design for Romance with Sharon Jaynes
Sex in Marriage and Its Positive Effects with Francie Winslow, Part 1
Science and Art of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, Part 2
Making Love in Marriage with Debra Fileta
Mutually Pleasing Sex in Marriage with Gary Thomas
Sex Series: God’s Design and Warnings for Sex: An Interview with Mike Novotny
Sex Series: Enhancing Female Pleasure and Enjoyment of Sex: An Interview with Dr. Jennifer Degler
Sex Series Orgasmic Potential, Pleasure, and Friendship: An Interview with Bonny Burns
Sex Series: Sex Series: Healthy Self, Healthy Sex: An Interview with Gaye Christmus
Sex Series: Higher Sexual Desire Wife: An Interview with J Parker
Sex Series: Six Pillars of Intimacy with Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo
215 Enriching Women's Sexual Function, Part One with Dr. Kris Christiansen
216 Enriching Women's Sexual Function, Part Two with Dr. Kris Christiansen
217 Tween/Teen Females: How to Navigate Changes during Puberty with Dr. Jennifer Degler
218 Secrets of Sex and Marriage: Interview with Dr. Michael Sytsma
Special Patreon Release: Holy Sex: An Interview with Dr. Juli Slattery
Special Patreon Release: His Desires and Her Desires in the Bedroom with Dr. Jennifer Konzen
224 Surprising Discoveries of Sex in Marriage: An Interview with Shaunti Feldhahn
227 Resolving Conflict in Marriage with Tony and Alisa DiLorenzo
Patreon 28 Re-Release: Protecting Your Marriage Against Unfaithfulness with Dave Carder
Patreon 23 Her Desires and His Desires in the Bedroom with Dr. Jennifer Konzen
Patreon 26 Holy Sex with Dr. Juli Slattery
Patreon 28 Protecting Your Marriage Against Unfaithfulness with Dave Carder
Patreon 29 Remaining Sexually Engaged Through The Years with Dr. Michael Sytsma
Patreon 49: Story of Healing from Sexual Betrayal in Marriage: An Interview with Bonny Burns
Patreon 52 God, Sex, and Your Marriage with Dr. Juli Slattery
Connect with The Savvy Sauce Our Website, Instagram or Facebook
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
The principles of honesty and integrity that Sam Leman founded his business on continue today, over 55 years later, at Sam Leman Chevrolet Eureka. Owned and operated by the Bertschi family, Sam Leman in Eureka appreciates the support they've received from their customers all over central Illinois and beyond. Visit them today at LemanGm.com.
Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner are my returning guests today. They are considered some of the pioneers in Christian sex therapy, and I'll make sure that I link back to our previous two episodes where we talked about various topics. But today they're going to continue the conversation and give us timeless truth and wisdom as it relates to sexual intimacy in marriage. [00:01:19]
Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Cliff and Joyce.
Dr. Clifford Penner: We're glad to be back, and nice to be seeing each other on this. It's great.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. It adds a bonus, wonderful extra layer. The two of you have been on previously. We're familiar that you have a unique line of work, and it's amazing that you get to do it together. But I'd love to know, what is your favorite part of the work that you get to do?
Joyce Penner: It is so rewarding to experience the change that can happen in people's lives.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Just this last weekend, we were up in Three Hills, Alberta, Canada, speaking to a college group, and we got a response there that kind of answers your question.
Joyce Penner: Yes. One of the faculty people said that 25 years ago they had gotten married and gone on our website, passionatecommitment.com, and it read one of the answers to our question about how past childhood sexual abuse can affect your marriage. [00:02:31] And it just fit them perfectly, and they did everything we recommended, and it has made a major difference in their lives and was such a healing work. And that's 25 years ago from something on our website.
Dr. Clifford Penner: We never even talked about it.
Joyce Penner: Not even therapy. It's that kind of a thing that just warms us. Particularly, I think when we can even prevent, like when premarital couples, people who are anticipating marriage, come to us and ask for help or call, we accept calls. And I do about 10, 15 minutes kind of triage-free for anybody who calls. We're not practicing much anymore because we're now in our 80s, but we still can make a difference because, in a few minutes, I can give them some direction. [00:03:32]
Dr. Clifford Penner: Well, let's give an example. In our book, Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start, in the chapter on the honeymoon, right in the middle of it, we say, "And if you guys run into trouble on your honeymoon, call us." So we get calls from all over the world while people are on their honeymoon.
Joyce Penner: And it's so great because that honeymoon is what we think back to every anniversary. And if it was painful and didn't work and was disappointing-
Dr. Clifford Penner: And emotionally stressful.
Joyce Penner: So I can just give them some little help and then say, "And do this and just really get to know yourselves and enjoy it, and we'll fix the problem when you get back, but make it a special time." That kind of thing, it just warms us. I mean, it just blesses us so much to know that God is using us in that way.
Laura Dugger: You really model. It truly is better to give than to receive. [00:04:32] I'm sure you receive so much encouragement through their words.
Joyce Penner: Yes.
Laura Dugger: Would you mind even sharing that phone number? If somebody is listening and they want to reach out, what is that number?
Dr. Clifford Penner: I think we should give the office number. (626) 449-2525.
Joyce Penner: We also have on our website, our home office number. You can go to our website to get that because then it goes directly into our home and I can answer it from here.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. Thank you for sharing that because I think it's important. We'll kind of talk about three different phases. You brought up newlyweds, and I'd love to hear more about that stage of life. But then also couples who want to be intentional with their sex lives, even if they're currently content, and then also addressing the married couples who are facing some challenges currently, and also couples who are in a sexless marriage. [00:05:40]
First of all, let's just go back. Let's elaborate on what you're saying about newlyweds. What are a couple of your most important tips that you want newlyweds to know?
Joyce Penner: First of all, to talk about it and to plan and prepare so that... So many times, even well-educated, highly educated couples, brilliant, bright, will say, "Oh, but we don't want to spoil it by talking about it ahead of time."
Dr. Clifford Penner: And that's such a bad way of thinking. Such a destructive way of thinking.
Joyce Penner: I mean, we've heard from couples, but the majority...
Dr. Clifford Penner: What they'll often say is, "Let's just do what comes naturally. And what comes naturally most of the time doesn't work if they haven't prepared for it.
Joyce Penner: And talked about it and made sure there are no barriers. Particularly for premarital couples, one question we ask is, for the woman, have you ever been able to use a tampon? [00:06:46] And if she says, "No, you know, I tried and it didn't work" or whatever. "And have you been able to go to the doctor and have a gynecological examination?" "No, I didn't do that."
Well, to never have been able to use a tampon and expect to be able to consummate your marriage, it just will not work. The tampon thing, it isn't that you have to use tampons. It's just a way of assessing quickly whether there could be an issue with difficulty consummating.
Dr. Clifford Penner: So what we recommend is the couple, if they need a guide for talking about it, use a book like our book, Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start. Extend through every aspect of preparing to be together sexually.
Even if couples have had sex prior to getting married, it still is something we would recommend for couples getting married because we find that premarital sex and married sex has a different feeling to it. [00:07:56]
Joyce Penner: Once you're committed, things that happen in our background can trigger a negative reaction. And you could have been highly, intensely passionate before marriage and so eager to consummate or have had great sex. And then you get married and all of a sudden something shuts down. We can anticipate that and prevent it and give some tools ahead of time if people are willing to engage in the process.
Dr. Clifford Penner: The other thing we talk about is clarifying our expectations. So that if the guy thinks we're going to have sex three times a day...
Joyce Penner: Or they yell.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Or they yell. And the other one thinks, Well, maybe we'll have sex once on our honeymoon or maybe even beyond the honeymoon, what the expectations are in terms of life.
Joyce Penner: Well, and so many times the couple thinks the guy should plan a surprise honeymoon. We do not recommend surprise honeymoon.
Dr. Clifford Penner: We had a disastrous surprise honeymoon.
Joyce Penner: And a man with lots of wealth to do a great honeymoon. And the gal just hates the environment which he chose.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And the man has spent zillions of dollars on it and she's trying to be a good sport but is not having a good time. So always plan it together from our perspective.
Laura Dugger: That is so wise because that spills into so many other future areas. I'm thinking when that couple transitions then to having children. Going back to what you said, if she's choosing to nurse and she thinks, "Well, I'll just do whatever comes naturally," There can still be a lot to learn. And so it's always wise to plan and prepare. [00:09:51]
And I love that you brought up one of your books. That's a great one. I wonder if people could even take that on the honeymoon with them.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Oh, yeah. But we recommend that they prep for the six months [00:10:03] A lot of couples do.
Joyce Penner: And the other thing we really are against is saving the kiss. The first kiss at the altar. For one thing, a kiss is a very personal, passionate moment. And to do that in front of an audience for the first time.
Dr. Clifford Penner: When you haven't practiced 500 times before that.
Joyce Penner: And kissing is very much the barometer for how a sexual relationship will work. And if kissing isn't working for a premarital couple, they should find out what's going on and get some help. Because that's going to reflect on how the sex life will be.
Dr. Clifford Penner: But the idea of having the first kiss at the altar... we've had so many destructive stories about that. It's an awful idea.
Joyce Penner: If that's going to be the case, then for sure know that you probably won't consummate the marriage on the honeymoon. [00:11:04] That you need to take time and take our book, do the exercises, really get to know each other first before, if that's your value that you don't want to have anything physical until the honeymoon or the marriage.
Laura Dugger: That is so great to hear. I've never heard it put that straightforward before. And I think back, our first kiss was not at the altar. Actually, my husband kissed me before date number two, but that's a whole other story. But at the altar... Oh, is that you as well?
Joyce Penner: But I have to say, I've been taught not to kiss anybody. So I ended up in the hospital with an undiagnosed illness. And they still say, he's such a great kisser. It's no wonder.
Laura Dugger: No way. That's amazing.
Joyce Penner: It stirred up feelings in me I did not know anything about. I was 17, you know. You know, if that had been how we started our marriage, it would have been a real... [00:12:12] We wouldn't be sex therapists today.
Laura Dugger: I love it. Well, and you're right. Even that moment at the altar is so special. I hope I never forget that my husband, Mark, actually leaned in and kissed me three times. And we still laugh about it. So that is really helpful.
What would you say, then, as we progress through couples in marriage, what are some of your favorite recommendations to share with couples who want to be proactive and enhance their sexual intimacy, even if things are currently going pretty well?
Joyce Penner: Yes. Well, we just think if couples are intentional about their sex life, rather than just thinking, again, that it will just happen naturally.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Some couples come in and say, "Well, we don't want to plan it. We just want it to be spontaneous." And we ask them the Dr. Phil question, "So how's that working out for you?"
Joyce Penner: And it's so funny to us. One thing that's very curious is couples will come because they're not having sex. [00:13:16] This isn't the couple where things are good. We'll get back to that question. But they're not having it as often as one of them wants or not often at all. And we'll say, when was the last time? And they say, Well, it's been a couple months, maybe a year. And then they resist planning for it. And we say, "You know, what's that about?" It's obviously not working by not being intentional. So whether it's the resistance to being intentional.
Dr. Clifford Penner: So the first thing we would say is-
Joyce Penner: But for those for whom it's going well. We answered that kind of backwards.
Dr. Clifford Penner: But the first thing we would say is plan. You know, when you're in that first year of marriage and everything's going well, it doesn't seem like you have to plan. But once kids come along or you're working on your next business or degree or-
Joyce Penner: Doing your doctoral dissertation.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Or whatever. Life is going to get in the way. [00:14:15] And so the only way it's going to work is if you are intentional about your sex life. That's one thing.
A second thing is we would encourage them to practice what we're going to have you put out for everyone. The formula for intimacy. And let's talk about that.
Joyce Penner: Yes. This is something we came up with years ago. And then after the sex and the brain research came out, I think in about 2008... I can't remember when it came out. We had developed this from our clinical observations. And then we found out why it works. And now we can explain in it.
So we talk about what we need to do is plan 15 minutes a day to connect. This isn't to have sex. This is to keep the intimacy going so that we can have an ongoing good sex life. We talk about kissing as part of that. And that kissing- [00:15:15]
Dr. Clifford Penner: But you jump way ahead. First, we talk about an emotional connection. Where you're just looking at each other. One of the things that came out in the research too is that when couples look in each other's eyes, it raises their oxytocin level, which is the binding hormone.
Joyce Penner: We actually came up with that because of breastfeeding and looking into a baby's eyes. And we knew that that was important in terms of attachment. So we started to use that when... Like I remember a couple where the man just had no capacity for intimacy. He was raised in an orphanage and adopted after the first year of life. So he had no attachment during that first year of life. And it's hard to. How do you teach attachment? You know, you can't hold your couples... couple in therapy and hold them and give them what they didn't get from their mom or from a nurturing caregiver.
So we found that looking into their eyes really helped. Well, now we discover in this 15-minute thing where you start by sharing something positive and looking into each other's eyes. [00:16:27] Because the eye-to-eye contact triggers Oxytocin. And that's the bonding attachment intimacy hormone. So we start that way.
And we found that certain couples when they would talk to each other, you could tell they wouldn't look at each other. They'd go past each other rather than have that eye-to-eye contact. And other couples would just be so engaged. And we can make a difference to which couples responded well in the therapy process and where there was a lot of resistance or difficulty.
Dr. Clifford Penner: So the first thing is that emotional contact. The next thing is a spiritual connection.
Joyce Penner: This is all in this one 15-minute. You can set the timer just to practice it. And having four kids, you and your husband you practice this.
Dr. Clifford Penner: But for a spiritual connection, everyone is in a different place on their spiritual journey. But that could be saying a prayer together. [00:17:27] It could be reading a couple's devotional. It could be-
Joyce Penner: An inspirational reading. Something where it connects our spiritual [inaudible 00:17:36] into the center of this attachment.
Dr. Clifford Penner: So there's the emotional connection. There's a spiritual connection. And there's a physical connection.
Joyce Penner: And they give each other a full-body hug.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Full body hug. Not what we would call a Southern Baptist hug.
Joyce Penner: And just close on. Your fronts just totally connect and hold.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And that's got to be 20 seconds. Because the research has shown that a 20-second hug also raises the oxytocin level.
Joyce Penner: Even more strongly. So you just get a huge surge of oxytocin after 20 seconds. So again, we encourage couples to set a timer on their phone. Just 20 seconds.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And play with it.
Joyce Penner: Yeah. And have fun. And you can do this with the kids around. It's great for them to see that mommy and daddy hug each other. And then have a 5 to 30-second passionate kiss. [00:18:35]
Dr. Clifford Penner: And we're talking about a kiss, not a peck. But a passionate kiss. The reason we say 5 seconds is some couples can't last longer than that kissing.
Laura Dugger: And sometimes if there's been... Like maybe a person was abused with the childhood kissing and kissed inappropriately so that kissing is aversive, the hugging and the eye to eye will help. That's why the kiss is the last thing.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And you see, what the kiss does is it raises the dopamine level. That's the exciting hormone rather than the bonding hormone.
Joyce Penner: That's the spark. And even after almost 61 years, we can still get a little spark with that dopamine kissing. That's the formula. And we would suggest that every couple practice that.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And that's just the 15 minutes a day. Then we talk about one day per week, where you have a time set aside for the two of you. [00:19:37]
Joyce Penner: people say, but what if we aren't turned on? You don't have to be turned on. But taking time to pleasure each other, to enjoy each other's bodies. And often in that process, we do get turned on.
But if you don't, it's just wonderful that you were together and touching and caressing and enjoying each other's bodies. And maybe one gets turned on and the other doesn't. The turn-on, the response isn't the important part. The important part is the physical connection caressing each other's bodies.
Dr. Clifford Penner: so 15 minutes a day, one connection during the week. It could be evening, normally, but sometimes it's daytime. And then we suggest that once a quarter a couple divert themselves at least for a day just to each other. And then once a year at least do something like over the weekend. Whether it's a retreat or a getaway or something that is just focused on the relationship. That's the formula for intimacy.[00:20:37]
Joyce Penner: yeah. And it can be attending a seminar or watching a podcast like this. Something where you're together devoting time. Obviously if a mom's breastfeeding, the baby has to go with you wherever you are. There's a period of time where that won't work purely. But still if the older children are with grandma and grandpa or if you don't have a grandma and grandpa around, if you're in a small group, or you have couples neighbors who have young children, trade. You know, one weekend a year you take their kids and one weekend a year they take your kids.
But you can always find some way to do it. And it doesn't have to be expensive. You don't even have to go somewhere if somebody can take your kids. You can stay home and have the weekend and do some reading and studying.
Dr. Clifford Penner: That's the other thing that we would recommend for couples is that they read out loud together. [00:21:34]
Joyce Penner: And there's a reason for that again with the brain. When we have stuff emotions spinning around in our head that affect our body, they're in the right hemisphere of our brain. Our verbal center is in the left hemisphere of our brain. And when we verbalize, when we say something out loud, it has to cross the midline and it loses its power on our body.
It's like when a speaker shakes when they talk and they say, no. But when I talk I shake, and then usually they stop shaking. I remember I had a brother who did court presentations and he had that. And he would just say it and then done. But verbalizing. That's why we recommend so highly that couples they're using our materials, that they read them out loud together and use it... It's almost like the book can become a therapist. [00:22:32] It's like a third party.
And then you can read one sentence and talk an hour about it. Or a paragraph. Or you can read the whole chapter and there's nothing in it that triggers a conversation. But it isn't reading to get through the book. It's reading to stimulate the conversation and having the verbal interaction so the stuff that's bothering you or that's affecting your body isn't controlling anymore, it's getting out.
Laura Dugger: wow you literally just answered a question that I had posed to the lord this morning in my quiet time. I was journaling it. And just thinking of stress that can come on when we've been too busy and haven't had that time to just get current and share things at the end of the day, if it's carried on a few days and you do one huge chunk of time, that still is better. [00:23:26] But just noticing that it was little by little. And I felt like, Lord, is there something here that is a stress reliever when we share it with our words? And you just backed it up with the brain science. That's amazing.
Joyce Penner: Yes. Yes.
Laura Dugger: Well, then, if we continue-
Dr. Clifford Penner: I want to say one more thing quickly. Okay, and that is, for couples that are generally in good shape with each other, we would recommend reading our book, The Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex, which is for men, and enjoy the gift of sexual pleasure for women.
Joyce Penner: And they're easy reads. They're not real technical, there's some technical stuff just to help us understand just like we've shared here. But they really read well. You can read one paragraph in the Married Guy's Guide and then one in the other.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Or read one whole book and then the other one. Just wanted to say that as one more recommendation for couples to just keep this part alive.
Laura Dugger: That's wonderful we have both of those books in our home and have heard fabulous feedback from others who've read it. So we'll link that actually in today's show notes so people can have an easy link where they can find it. [00:24:40] But if we're thinking about those healthy couples that are currently content, do you have any examples of stories or best advice that comes to mind for those who are mutually satisfied with their intimacy in marriage?
Joyce Penner: Well, the first thing we usually ask is about the kissing and whether they're still kissing passionately.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Because what's happened for many couples is the kissing becomes the determiner of whether we're going to have sex tonight or not. So if husband comes home and wife comes home and he reaches out for a kiss and she determines, do I feel like having sex tonight? And if it's a yes, then it's on the lips. If it's a no, it's on the cheek.
Joyce Penner: And she goes like this rather than like that. I teach a lot of mother's groups and that is such a common one. [00:25:43] They just really identify with that. And so if they realize they make a deal that are kissing, we keep kissing passionately. And we do it whether the kids are there or not. And we do it whether or not we're going to have sex. It doesn't mean I want to have sex if I lean in and kiss passionately.
Dr. Clifford Penner: It means I'm wanting to connect intimately with you right now. And if sex happens, it's great. If it doesn't, that's okay too.
Joyce Penner: We probably don't have as many stories about those for whom it's going well because-
Dr. Clifford Penner: People don't come to us if it's going well.
Joyce Penner: But I do have some from the mothers' groups and mainly. And not a specific one, mainly that's the feedback I get. Oh, we kiss all the time. And in fact the kids, you know, say, Ah, you guys yuck. But it's good for them to see you kissing because eventually they'll be in your role. [00:26:44]
Laura Dugger: That's right I love that you bring up a really crucial point about even just considering all of our non-sexual touch outside the bedroom, that all of that contributes to a better sex life inside the bedroom. So is there anything you'd want to expound upon there?
Joyce Penner: Yeah. Well, I just thought of another example.Some couples walk together, take a walk together. Particularly like if they do have kids and they're old enough that they're fine, you know, to be in the house if they're just going for a walk around the block or whatever. And they walk and talk. And there's a lot of brain research that says walking and talking is very helpful. And mothers will say, I just love it if my husband and I can go for a walk and hold hands and chat and talk, maybe even stop and kiss a bit.
Laura Dugger: That makes sense. Even that bilateral movement, your left to right foot, how there's brain science behind that as well that helps us process and de-stress and connect.
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Laura Dugger: Well then, for better or worse, how do you see other forms of intimacy spilling over into sexual intimacy in marriage?
Dr. Clifford Penner: Say a little bit more about what you mean there.
Laura Dugger: Sure. I'm assuming most couples don't say, we have a fantastic sex life, but we never connect emotionally. Or if they're Christ followers, if spiritual intimacy isn't a piece at all, that probably affects emotional and sexual intimacy.
Joyce Penner: Right. Yes. Having that time to connect in other ways. If sex is just... That's why the formula for intimacy is so important. If sex is just about the erotic, heating our bodies together and getting turned on, and having that dopamine surge, that's what porn is. It's not about a relationship. [00:30:11] If we function that way in our marriage, long term, it won't be good for both. It won't be mutually satisfying.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Another way of saying that is, unless there is some level of intimacy and connection, the sex life, over time, will disintegrate.
Joyce Penner: And that's one of our benefits of working together, because we do everything together, practically. Every now and then, who needs a break to get out of the house to go to the office? Just to have some independent, which I think guys maybe need more than women, but some women may need it too. Maybe high-powered working women outside the home.
But knowing if you need some space, that's fine too. But making sure you do have plenty of time to connect. And even, like you said, share your thoughts, just to get that verbal stuff going. [00:31:10] And if you never have time together to have spiritual connection or emotional expressions, how are you going to de-stress, if the only de-stressing is that dopamine moment of the erotic release.
Dr. Clifford Penner: One of the things that we know is that, first of all, men often find it easier to connect side-by-side than face-to-face. That's why a walk is often good for a man as well. If you think about men activities, men golf together. They're sitting in the golf cart side-by-side. Or they're playing a sport or they're jogging or whatever. So men often first connect side-by-side and then can shift into the face-to-face. That's a pretty common thing.
Laura Dugger: I'd love for you to speak into this. Some married couples have reported that the husband will say, "It unlocks something emotionally in me when I connect sexually with my wife." And I'm trying to recall the science behind it. Probably the oxytocin that just floods in and makes him feel safe and connected. [00:32:30] And so it's such a unique cycle that the Lord created.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Yeah. What I was thinking about as you said that, women often say, "I really feel emotionally connected before we can have sex." And men say, "I really feel emotionally connected after we have sex."
Joyce Penner: Right.
Dr. Clifford Penner: So how do we get those two to work together is the dilemma.
Joyce Penner: We talk about in our Married Guy's Guide to Great Sex and I'm so convinced of the biblical teaching that the husband's role is to love his wife like Christ loved the church. And the way Christ loved the church, we read in Philippians, He gave up His rights. He had the right to be equal with God. And men will say, "Well, don't I have the right? Doesn't she have to do it for me? Because that's my right." Well, Christ gave up His right, human to the death on the cross, and gets with us where we are. He became human. [00:33:30]
Dr. Clifford Penner: But Paul says in Ephesians 5, but keep in mind men, that you're really doing yourself a favor when you give up your rights and get with her. Because when she gets turned on... Paul doesn't say she gets turned on. I'm saying that.
Joyce Penner: This is how we have concluded why he says that.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Why he says, then you're really doing yourself a favor when you love her this way. And the reason is because then she gets turned on. And there's nothing that makes a man feel better than a turned-on woman.
Joyce Penner: So even if maybe he's doing it, demanding it, whatever, by his needs, and not giving up his rights, the best way, he's not going to enjoy it as much, is when she's really into it. And she can't get into it unless she feels that connection. So when he gets with her where she is, and she gets turned on, and then she invites, then it's like the Song of Solomon, and they're both delighted in what happens. [00:34:35]
Dr. Clifford Penner: Yeah, because we've got to keep in mind in the Song of Solomon, all he does is tell her how gorgeous she is, and how much he likes all these various body parts, and then she gets turned on, and all that stuff. And she's the one saying, "Come on, let's get going. Let's pick up the pace here." And she's doing the inviting. Why is she doing it? Because she's been so affirmed, and adored, and cherished. And that's what makes it happen for the couple. And then he ends up happy too.
Laura Dugger: That's so well said. Something that we haven't discussed much before, or maybe at all on The Savvy Sauce, is a sexless marriage. So will you first define what constitutes a sexless marriage, and then share any trends that you've seen over the years?
Dr. Clifford Penner: The first thing I would say is that the big research that was done by the University of Chicago in the late 1900s-
Joyce Penner: I think it was 1994 it came out.
Dr. Clifford Penner: It defined sexless marriages as marriages that have sex ten times or less per year. [00:35:42] So less than once a month. That's how it's been defined in our world.
Joyce Penner: Yeah. And they would say low-sex or no-sex marriages. There's been no research to indicate a difference, that it's getting more that way or less that way since 1994.
Dr. Clifford Penner: What we know is that there are many couples who have a low-sex, no-sex marriage, not because there's a problem, but because of their lifestyle. And in fact, the sociologists call these people DINS. D-I-N-S. Dual income, no sex couples. Because their life is so busy, they're both working, they've got to get the kids to soccer practice and get the lunches ready for tomorrow because they've got to leave at 7.30 in the morning.
Joyce Penner: Or earlier to get them off to school on the bus.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And then everybody is exhausted by the evening, and so there isn't any energy left. [00:36:43] So that's one of the reasons for a low-sex, no-sex marriage. Lifestyle. In fact, a while back, there was an article in Newsweek. The cover story was…
Joyce Penner: No sex, we're married. Something like that. And it was like, yeah, there's a lot of sex before marriage, but then once we're married and we have kids, and they're sitting in bed and one on the phone and one on the computer.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And there's no connection. So lifestyle is the biggest thing. Then a second category would be when there are specific barriers to the relationship. It could be that the man is into porn, and so he's masturbating to get release.
Joyce Penner: He's hooked on the dopamine surge, not the oxytocin.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And there's no intimacy there because it's not an intimate relationship with the person on the screen. [00:37:44] It's just getting him aroused and ejaculating.
Joyce Penner: And choosing exactly what he wants. And another difficulty we just want to mention is sometimes when men have been hooked on porn and they've gotten control of that and they're not using it anymore, but the [inaudible 00:38:02] woman still feels like an object because he's wanting her to do what he saw in porn. And that will not work. It would be very destructive because they need that connection for her to be responsive. So he may say, "Now I stopped my porn. Now you're still not, you know, you won't do this and you won't do that."
So it's really important to know that once the porn gets under control, then the couple needs to work through a book like our Restoring the Pleasure? or get help from a certified sexual therapist to learn how to be intimate and definitely start practicing the formula for intimacy. And that may be difficult for him. And he may even avoid it. But the more he can kind of force himself to do that. [00:38:54] And she cannot be the porn object. It's got to be about connection and getting with her where she is.
Dr. Clifford Penner: But that would be just one kind of problem. Another would be if there are some specific difficulties, like the man ejaculates prematurely, or the woman has difficulty being orgasmic or-
Joyce Penner: There were hurts in the past, like a bad dating relationship where one was hurt, or child sexual abuse, or having been raised in an alcoholic or emotionally out-of-control home. And that's where we all need to have safety growing up and our parents need to be in control so we can bounce against those walls. But when that parents were out of control, we internalized the control far too young. [00:39:53]
Dr. Clifford Penner: So one thing we know about adult children with alcoholics is the first thing you read any book on it, the first thing they'll say, The ACA has a high need for control. Well, what's happening in a sexual relationship, it's getting out of control. And so there is a real resistance to let your body get out of control.
Joyce Penner: But once they get aroused, then they can really respond. But there's resistance even to let that happen.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And then often the interest drops right off again, and the next time it's just as difficult to let go. And it isn't like because she had an intense orgasm she liked that, she didn't like it. In fact, I remember early in our practice, I helped the woman she came because she wasn't orgasmic. And I was doing everything just by the book and she became orgasmic too fast. I learned after that to find out about the emotionally out-of-control home. And that was early in our practice. When a woman has been raised, they don't like that feeling of being out of control. [00:40:57]
Laura Dugger: Did you know you could receive a free email with monthly encouragement, practical tips, and plenty of questions to ask to take your conversation a level deeper, whether that's in parenting or on date nights? Make sure you access all of this at thesavvysauce.com by clicking the button that says "Join Our Email List" so that you can follow the prompts and begin receiving these emails at the beginning of each month. Enjoy!
I also want to go back to one scenario that you gave. If it was a couple, let's say they dated and there was some harm done during the dating relationship, but then they're married and now find themselves in a sexless marriage, even if they were having premarital sex, that seems like a trickier one to overcome the barriers. So what would be some of the first steps? Because they're still with the person who offended them. [00:41:56]
Joyce Penner: Yeah, then you'd have to work through the relationship issues.
Dr. Clifford Penner: We wouldn't think of that as sexual therapy so much as first relational therapy to deal with the hurt, the pain, the barriers that happened during those traumatic events.
Joyce Penner: And then build trust. Again, we're back to our formula for intimacy, to build the trust. But then they would need the sexual therapy and start restarting. What sexual therapy is, it's stopping everything you've been doing sexually. No intercourse, nothing. And you start over. And you learn how to give and receive touch and to be close and intimate before and you slowly build toward having entry.
Dr. Clifford Penner: We talk about this in our book, Restoring the Pleasure, which takes couples-
Joyce Penner: It's a self-help book. [00:42:52]
Dr. Clifford Penner: ...go through step after step if they want and need to do a rebuilding, a total retraining of their sexual life. And that's the only way that we can see where a couple has these emotional barriers from stuff from the past, whether it's their own past with each other or what they came into the relationship with.
Joyce Penner: One thing we know also from sex and the brain research and our own observation is that sexual response patterns are easily conditioned and self-perpetuating. In other words, especially if the first response was to an external stimulation like pornography, then your body gets hooked on needing that image in order to respond or needing that external stimulus. It's very different than when the first response was to the natural God-given urges during childhood or young adolescence. [00:43:57] When it was that way, it isn't hooking. It's just a natural process in the body then that can lead to a fulfilling sexual relationship.
Dr. Clifford Penner: And that can be true for both men and women. Whatever their first experience was in terms of getting aroused and particularly having an orgasm or an ejaculation, that can... we call it an imprinting event at a critical stage of development.
So if that first time was not just the natural response but to something external, then that... Let me just use an example. I've dealt with a situation where a young girl...
Joyce Penner: Well, quite a few situations like that.
Dr. Clifford Penner: ...a woman first discovered her father's Playboy magazines in the closet.
Joyce Penner: Or she was babysitting in another home and discovered, you know, the kids are asleep and she's waiting for the parents to come home. [00:44:59]
Dr. Clifford Penner: And she's looking at this and then is looking at these images in the magazine, whatever it was, and she gets aroused and stimulates herself and has her first orgasm. That can lock in then that for her to have an orgasm with her husband, she has to fantasize about naked women. Not that she's a lesbian, but that got locked in.
I'm just using this as an example of what happens with that first response. Whereas if that response had just happened because she woke up and felt those tingling sensations and stimulated herself, it wouldn't have caused that same kind of reaction.
Joyce Penner: It would be another way of saying that she just responded to the natural itch.
Laura Dugger: Well, and for all of those situations, though, even if somebody was exposed to something like that from a young age, or if they're in that relationship where they had past hurt or trauma in their background, what would you say is the overarching hope? [00:46:03] Because it sounds like you've worked with couples all around the world, and in any situation, hope and healing are possible, especially because of Jesus.
Joyce Penner: Yes, yes. Back to your first question, what is so rewarding about functioning as sexual therapists and even just being available to answer questions over the phone, is sometimes just a little bit of knowledge, or this podcast could open up a whole new world for a person or a couple, and restart their sexual relationship in a way that works, rather than keeping the old patterns going.
Dr. Clifford Penner: What we would want to underscore is no one has to get stuck with a bad sexual relationship. There is always hope, there are always ways around it, whether it's because there's been physical pain for the woman, or there's pain in the relationship, or there's difficulty with functioning, or getting aroused, or having orgasms, all of that, people can end up being happy. [00:47:16]
We dealt regularly, for example, with unconsummated marriages, couples who have been married for months or years and haven't been able to consummate. That too can change.
Joyce Penner: That's one where you really know you've been successful. You either have done it or you haven't. That is so rewarding because anyone who is stuck with the protocol and done the whole process, everyone has consummated. And that isn't just sexual therapy, sometimes pelvic floor physical therapy is necessary, we need to work with the medical team, we need to have a team approach. But it's possible.
Dr. Clifford Penner: So the underlying or the overall message here is it is always possible to work toward a healthy and fulfilling sex life if couples are willing to do the deliberate work that it's going to take, step by step. [00:48:14]
Joyce Penner: But back to this sexless or no-sex marriage, both have to acknowledge the issue, pursue either self-help, like with Restoring the Pleasure, or seek a certified sexual therapist. And we're a resource for finding that. We keep track and document in the computer that has all the people all over in other countries, in every state. Now some states, some countries, there are people, but there are always ways, virtual, that you can find help.
Dr. Clifford Penner: One thing we can add is that we hope this message has come through in what we're talking about today, but unless there's an attitude of mutuality, that it has to be as good for one as it is for the other, there will not be a fulfilling sex life at work. [00:49:13] The idea that somehow it's for the man and the woman has to take care of him is a very destructive idea.
Joyce Penner: And that usually comes out of the Ephesians 5 passage, you know, submit yourselves one to another, and wives submit to your husbands, and honor him as you honor God and Christ. And then it goes on, there's one verse about the woman submitting to the man, and then a bunch of verses about...
Dr. Clifford Penner: About 12 verses telling the man how he's supposed to love his wife.
Joyce Penner: Submit to the wife. And yet our evangelical Christian society often has gotten hooked on that, that the woman is responsible to keep the man... Before marriage she's responsible to make sure they don't have sex, and after marriage she's responsible to make sure they do have sex. I mean, it doesn't work. It's got to be mutual. And every passage starts with those incorporates, even like that one, submit yourselves one to another. It isn't just the man can ask for whatever he wants, and then she's just got to do it. [00:50:22] That kind of demand will never work for him long term, or for them together, or for her.
Laura Dugger: And what I'm hearing, the main two words that come to mind are truth and wisdom. And you're giving us God's truth from the Bible, and even helping interpret what that looks like, even with the brain science. But that truth really does set you free, that knowledge. And knowledge goes into the wisdom piece as well. You think of in Proverbs when it says, "Above all else get wisdom, though it costs everything you have. Get knowledge, get understanding."
And so I love that that's your first place to begin to give hope to any couple. Your resources are a great place to get that first step of knowledge, and then hopefully to work with a person if that's the next step needed.
Joyce Penner: One of the things that has been so exciting to us to study the research that has been done on sexual response and all that, and brain and sex research, how much it affirms the scripture. [00:51:31] It really does. And God created us so we are His creation, so it makes sense that when we find out the facts, that they are affirming in scripture rather than contradictory. They do work with what we experience, and what we learn from scripture.
Laura Dugger: That's so good. Well, this conversation has all been such a gift. But if people do want to follow up or learn more from the two of you, could you again just give us the best place where we can link in the show notes?
Joyce Penner: Well, to passionatecommitment.com, our website, to our formula for intimacy, and then to any of our resources, and you've mentioned probably the most important ones, the newlyweds, Getting Your Sex Life Off to a Great Start, The Married Guys Guide, and Enjoy! The Gift of Sexual Pleasure for Women, for couples of all ages and stages, and then Restoring the Pleasure for step-by-step sexual retraining when the sexual pattern is not working well, for whatever reason. [00:52:41]
Dr. Clifford Penner: And all those are listed on our website, passionatecommitment.com.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. Thank you for sharing. And this is your third time back, so you know that we're called The Savvy Sauce, because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. And so as my final question for both of you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Joyce Penner: Be intentional.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Yeah.
Joyce Penner: And probably you can guess how to be intentional, because we've mentioned it so many times: practice our formula for intimacy.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Yeah, we would see that. In fact, couples many times say, that's changed our life. Just those 15 minutes a day that aren't focused on sex, they're just focused on connecting, and then the sex naturally grows out of that. So that's it.
Joyce Penner: We hope that couples can just really learn to enjoy each other, and delight in each other, and it can be a wonderful blessing to their family, and to the community in which they serve, when they are being fulfilled at home, in the privacy of their home. [00:53:53]
Dr. Clifford Penner: So, thanks for having us.
Joyce Penner: Yes, very nice.
Dr. Clifford Penner: It's good to see you face to face, and enjoy very much.
Laura Dugger: Well, very much enjoyed this time together with both of you. Thank you for everything you shared. You are a delightful couple, and it's so great to connect through this screen and just see your love flow between the two of you, your wonderful role models. I just want to say thank you for being my guests.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Oh, good. Love it. Okay.
Joyce Penner: Enjoy.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Hope to see you again.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. Take care. Thank you.
Dr. Clifford Penner: Bye-bye.
Laura Dugger: Bye-bye.
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. [00:54:54] So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? [00:55:55] Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. [00:56:59] We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.