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*DISCLAIMER* This episode covers adult topics that are not intended for young ears.
260. Sex After Cancer with Dr. Kris Christiansen
James 1:19 (NIV) My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
**Transcription Below**
Questions We Discuss:
- What is common mis-information that you want to set straight as it relates to cancer and sex?
- If someone is walking their own cancer journey right now, what would you advise them to both do and avoid doing so that they can still enjoy the healthiest sex life possible with their spouse?
- What hope do you have to share with people who have battled cancer and still desire to connect intimately with their spouse?
Dr. Kris Christiansen is a board-certified family physician who specializes in sexual medicine. She attended medical school and completed her residency in family medicine at the University of Minnesota. She practiced full spectrum family medicine for 10 years and then pursued additional training to specialize in sexual medicine. She works as a sexual medicine specialist at two different clinics in the twin cities.
Her clinical interests include both male and female sexual dysfunction, and she loves working with individuals and couples to restore an important part of life. Dr. Christiansen is involved with teaching medical students and residents at the University of Minnesota Medical School, and she has presented at multiple local, national, and international medical conferences. She is involved with the International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health (ISSWSH) and serves on committees, collaborates with other experts to publish articles for medical journals, and edits informational articles for the society’s new patient facing website. She is passionate about teaching patients, students, and colleagues about the importance of sexual health and well-being. In her free time, she started her own business called Intimate Focus which provides information and quality products to enhance and restore sexual health and wellness. She also enjoys shopping, hiking, and spending time with her family.
Dr. Kris Christiansen's Website
Previous Episodes featuring Dr. Kris Christiansen on The Savvy Sauce:
215 Enriching Women's Sexual Function, Part One with Dr. Kris Christiansen
216 Enriching Women's Sexual Function, Part Two with Dr. Kris Christiansen
Additional Place to Find More Episodes from The Savvy Sauce Related to This Topic:
One-Stop Shop for Marriage and Intimacy Resources
Dr. Kris Christiansen's Recommended Websites for Sexual Health:
International Society for the Study of Women’s Sexual Health
American Urological Association
International Society of Sexual Medicine
Sexual Medicine Society of North America
ISSWSH International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health
SMSNA Sexual Medicine Society of North America
ISSM International Society of Sexual Medicine
Find a provider:
For a women's sexual health provider, pelvic floor physical therapist, (non-Christian) sex therapist
ABCST American Board of Christian Sex Therapists (for a Christian sex therapist)
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:09)
Laura Dugger: (0:10 - 1:22)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
Leman Property Management Co. has the apartment you will be able to call home, with over 1,700 apartment units available in Central Illinois.
Visit them today at lemanproperties.com or connect with them on Facebook.
Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
Not many people specialize in the same thing as our returning guest for today, Dr. Kris Christiansen. She specializes in sexual medicine, and today she's going to provide clarity, information, and direction for how to maximize sexual pleasure with our spouse after one receives a cancer diagnosis. Here's our chat.
Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Christiansen.
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (1:23 - 1:30)
Well, thank you so much, Laura. We had so much fun last time, and I'm looking forward to this conversation again today.
Laura Dugger: (1:31 - 1:57)
Likewise. I feel the same way. And it really wasn't that long ago that you were on The Savvy Sauce two times, so I'll make sure and link to both of those episodes in the show notes for today.
But hopefully everybody's already well acquainted with you, and that's why we're just kind of diving right into our topic today. So, for starters, how did this topic of sex after cancer become an interest of yours to study?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (2:00 - 2:32)
Well, so Laura, my job as a sexual medicine physician is that I work with both men and women and helping them with their sexual lives when they have problems or whatever. So, cancer is often a big part of that. So, through my journey with work, I've just developed a significant interest in learning how to really care for people to help restore this important part of life.
Laura Dugger: (2:33 - 2:52)
Absolutely, because a lot is taken away when somebody gets that awful diagnosis, and so I'm very grateful for people like you who are experts. But is there any common misinformation that you would like to set straight as it relates to cancer and sex?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (2:55 - 6:42)
Well, interesting you say that, because there is so much misinformation out there just about sex in general. And then when we throw cancer in on top of that, it just makes it even more complicated. So, I think a common fear that people experience when they get that diagnosis that they hope they never hear, the C word, is that it's going to have a significant impact on their sexual intimacy.
And you know what, it can, but that doesn't mean that that chapter in life is closed. We just have to remember that sexual intimacy is much, much broader than just intercourse. So, if we can refer to this as PIV sex, penis in vagina sex, many people view it as kind of an all or none thing.
If they can't have vaginal intercourse or that PIV sex, then they don't want anything at all. Unfortunately, that just rules out or shuts out so much of sexual intimacy that God has intended for us. We may not be able to engage in the same activities for a time or even long term, but that doesn't mean that we can't connect.
So, if we try to remember that intimacy, sexual intimacy is all about giving and receiving pleasure, then there are so many more opportunities. So, we have to get beyond the fact that sexual intimacy, sexual intercourse is just vaginal intercourse because it's not. It's giving and receiving pleasure.
And however people want to connect or comfortable connecting, that they can still enjoy a very fruitful sex life. The other thing that is misunderstood and misconceptions is estrogen, vaginal estrogen, especially. Because, well, all women who enter menopause and you're in menopause for the rest of your life do experience some changes.
And it's so common that women experience the genital urinary syndrome of menopause. That's vaginal atrophy, or when the tissues get drier and thinner and there can be tearing and pain as well as bleeding and decreased sensation, decreased sensitivity. These things are common with aging, but oftentimes cancer treatments emphasize that or accelerate it or make it even worse.
And vaginal estrogen is really, really safe. It does not cause cancer. And most of the studies show that even in women who have breast cancer, that it doesn't cause recurrence.
So vaginal estrogen, being so safe, can really save our vaginas. And we're talking about vaginal health and bladder health. It's not just about sex, but it helps keep our bodies functioning properly and minimizing pain and discomfort.
So, if a woman is diagnosed with breast cancer and she's on treatment, then obviously we have to talk to the oncologist, make sure they're okay with that. But we get more and more studies showing it's safety and it's definitely effective and can help keep our tissues young.
Laura Dugger: (6:42 - 7:25)
This is really helpful and brand new information to me. So someone, like you used that example, if they have breast cancer diagnosis and there's different types, but if they're doing the treatment where perhaps they go into early menopause or they have a hysterectomy or remove their ovaries and they even have an estrogen blocker so that they're not producing estrogen, for that type, you're still saying as long as you're working with the oncologist for that personal client, even in those situations, vaginal estrogen, which would be, I'm assuming, more of a cream or something you insert to the vagina, is that right? That that would be safe?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (7:25 - 10:55)
So, where it gets a little gray is if the woman is taking an aromatase inhibitor, which is the estrogen blocker. So, it pretty much wipes all estrogen out of her system. There's a little more risk there.
So most definitely we need to double check with the oncologist. But it often comes down to quality of life. I have a patient who, she was diagnosed with breast cancer, I believe, in her early 60s.
And she came to me at the sexual medicine clinic and she was just miserable. I mean, when we think of vaginal dryness, you think of, okay, it's annoying. You use a lubricant, right, and it's going to be just fine.
In the beginning, yes, that's the case. But this genital urinary syndrome of menopause, GSM, gets worse with time, especially with those anti-estrogen treatments. And for this poor woman, she couldn't exercise.
She loved to go hiking. She loved to go skiing. And just any kind of movement was painful.
And we don't think of that. We kind of take it for granted. But for some women who really experience severe side effects of the breast cancer treatments and causing dryness and irritation, it affects everything.
And for her, we tried all the non-hormonal things first. They didn't work. And her oncologist gave us the blessing saying, you know, we tried it.
This is really important to you. Let's give it a try. And so, we've monitored her, and the vaginal estrogen hasn't caused any problems.
So, a couple points on that. With the vaginal estrogen, yes, it comes as a cream. There's a tablet, which is like a little pill with an applicator that you insert in the vagina.
There are vaginal inserts. They look like little caplets that you just insert with the finger. There's a vaginal ring.
But with the localized treatment, it's meant to just act locally, meaning just on the vaginal tissues. And, oh, package insert. So, you know, here we tell patients, vaginal estrogen is safe.
Don't worry. It's not going to cause cancer, heart attack, strokes, or blood clots. But then they go home.
They get their prescription. They open up the patient insert, package insert, and it talks about risks and bad things that can happen and side effects. Unfortunately, the FDA says we have to use the class labeling or the side effects that are associated with systemic estrogen.
And it automatically gets applied to the localized or vaginal estrogen treatments. So, patients go home, they read that, and they think we're lying to them. But, unfortunately, it's just very misleading because we have plenty of studies to show that vaginal estrogen doesn't cause those terrible things.
And it's very safe. So, they just have to trust us. And there are groups and people out there trying to work with the FDA to get that class labeling effect removed because it just scares everybody away from using estrogen, which can be so helpful.
Laura Dugger: (10:57 - 11:04)
Wow, that is helpful. Is there any other common misinformation you want to make sure we don't overlook before we continue on?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (11:05 - 11:29)
Well, I made a few notes here. No, I don't think so. Except that media, television, and all that other stuff that we see out there is so misleading when it comes to sexual intimacy.
Because sex in real life doesn't look like what you see in the movies. Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (11:30 - 11:45)
Great, great point. And so, when somebody does get, like you said, that dreaded C-word diagnosis, what's a common path that they may experience as it affects them sexually?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (11:48 - 14:00)
Well, so, the different cancers are so different and treatments are so different that it's hard to generalize for everybody. But, you know, first thing most people experience is fear. What's this mean for me?
What's this mean for my life, my family? Am I going to be around in five years? So, it's that fear.
And the initial part of that journey is often involved with meeting with lots of doctors, having all the tests, trying to figure out what's going on, what we're going to do. And sexual intimacy often isn't part of that first steps that they take. So, but when things kind of finally settle down, then those questions start popping up.
What does this mean? It's important to talk with your cancer journey, your cancer team, the oncology team to find out what's going on. And it's important to ask all these questions because doctors really aren't very good about asking about sexual health and what that means to you.
Oncologists, generally speaking, they want to treat the cancer and their job is done when the cancer is treated, under control, gone, whatever. And they've done a good job. However, so many of us are just left afterwards saying, okay, thanks, cancer's gone, but now what?
And so, it's a matter of really trying to figure out what's important over time, learning what's going to work and what's not. And know that there are people out there to help you and that want to help you if it's not going as planned. You know, I just want to reiterate that people really need to advocate for themselves and they need to ask questions.
And if they're not getting the answers that they want, don't give up because there are people, organizations, information out there that can be helpful. So rather than just worrying about what's next, seek help.
Laura Dugger: (14:02 - 14:18)
That's really great advice. And I think this may be an appropriate place to pause and just get some of those recommended places. Because if somebody, this is new to them and they don't know where to turn, do you have any places or websites off the top of your mind that you would recommend?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (14:20 - 15:41)
Well, so cancer.org, the American Cancer Society has a lot of resources on there. When it comes to menopause-type symptoms and such, menopause.org is the Menopause Society, which has a lot of information. And a website called PROSAYLA, it's P-R-O-S-A-Y-L-A.com, is a website that's managed by ISHWISH.
We've got all these acronyms. The International Society for the Study of Women's Sexual Health. So that is my go-to.
Okay, so that's the organization where there's so much research and science and such happening. And the PROSAYLA.org or prosayla.com, either one works, is a website where there are several articles written by experts in the field. So, these are articles backed by science.
It's not just somebody's opinion or somebody's blog. And I know there's an article on there about sex or cancer and sexuality. So, some generalities and some other references on that site too.
Laura Dugger: (15:42 - 15:51)
Okay, that is super helpful information. We'll make sure and add links to those places as well. Anything else that you want to make sure we don't miss?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (15:52 - 17:36)
Well, when we talk about sexual concerns or sexual problems, we always try to approach it from a biopsychosocial aspect. Because those three different entities all play a big role in what works well and what doesn't. So, from the biological section, that's pain, medications, nerve problems, chronic medical problems.
So obviously cancer plays a big role in that. And with cancer treatments and such, pain may be part of that, nausea, fatigue. And so, we just don't feel the same going through these treatments because it's really hard.
As far as the psych bubble, I'm usually referencing a Venn diagram here. Psychological, so when we experience anxiety or depression or performance anxiety, that plays a big role. So, we need to take a step back and realize that what happens up here in our brain has a huge impact on how our bodies function physically.
And then as far as the social aspect, that's our relationships, our interpersonal relationships with our partner, our spouse, with our family and how things are going on at work. A cancer diagnosis and treatment can affect all of those. And so, it's not just a magic pill to improve your libido because if we don't treat all these other things, people continue to struggle with their sexual function.
Laura Dugger: (18:01 - 19:46)
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Also, Dr. Kris, are there any certain cancers or treatments that have the most detrimental impact on a person's sex life?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (19:48 - 23:15)
We know that cancers that affect the breast, for women, but men too get breast cancer, and also the genital area have the biggest impact. We've talked a fair amount about breast cancer. Many of the treatments for breast cancer result in early menopause.
If a woman is premenopausal when this happens, menopause can have a definite impact. The treatments can cause the pain and dryness and decrease sensitivity. Also, if surgery is involved in a mastectomy, it can affect our own body self-image.
From a more physical standpoint too, when we have the mastectomy and those nerves are cut, it decreases the sensitivity. For a lot of women, breast stimulation is really important as part of their sexual play. If now her breasts are gone and she can't feel anything when her husband is touching her breasts, that can be a really hard adjustment.
Any cancers that affect the genital area, uterine cancer, ovarian cancer, or anal rectal cancer for both men and women, and prostate cancer for men, those all have a huge impact. In addition to working with a lot of women who have breast cancer and overcoming and improving those areas, I work with a lot of men who have prostate cancer. Those treatments usually result in erection problems and urinary incontinence, which can be hard to deal with.
Men who have a prostatectomy, so if they have their prostate removed, then 100% of them are going to have erectile dysfunction in the beginning. It's going to take time for those nerves to recover, and it may take up to two years to see that full recovery. In those first few months when I'm working with men, I'm trying to be their cheerleader, saying, don't lose hope, don't give up, because this is going to get better.
It just takes time for those nerves to regrow. In the process, though, it is important to do whatever we can to make sure that that tissue stays healthy. Remember that the penis is actually muscle, muscle tissue, smooth muscle.
If we don't use a muscle for several months, atrophy sets in, which is a bad thing. With atrophy, the penis can shrink in size, and scar tissue potentially can set in, and it just makes that recovery less optimal than what it would have been. Trying to maintain the blood flow during those first few months or first year is really helpful.
Just to help maintain the blood flow and the oxygen to help keep the tissues healthy, so when the tenders do recover as best as they're going to, we get the best outcome.
Laura Dugger: (23:16 - 23:36)
This may be an ignorant question, but then if erectile issues are present during that first time period, but it's crucial to have the blood flow to that area, what can men do to increase blood flow there, even if erection is difficult or impossible?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (23:36 - 25:01)
That's a great question. Taking a medication like Viagra or Cialis. Cialis is my favorite because it stays in the system for a good 36 to 48 hours every time you take it.
If you're just taking a low dose every day, it just encourages a little bit of that blood flow every day. Using a vacuum device, which I just happen to have one right here, looks like this. A penis goes inside the cylinder, we create a vacuum or suction, and it pulls the blood flow in.
It's not the most sexy thing, but using it and using the vacuum device several times a week just to get that blood flow going is a very helpful way to keep the tissues healthy. Getting an erection with the vacuum doesn't get those arousal-type feelings, so it looks a little weird, but it does work. For men who want to use this for sexual activity, you can get the erection within the tube, and then it comes with these tight rings that are stretched over the edge of the cylinder.
Once you get the full erection within the tube, you slide that ring off to maintain the erection.
Laura Dugger: (25:04 - 25:14)
That's incredible just to pause and think of God's grace and these inventions and how incredible that there are solutions. Please continue, but I find that encouraging.
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (25:16 - 27:39)
There are all kinds of encouraging things, but if you're in the middle of this journey, it can be sometimes hard to keep going when you're not getting the results that you want to. But we believe in a big God, and he created sexual intimacy, and it's a gift. Other ways to help manage erectile dysfunction and a couple other show-and-tell things here.
This medication is called Muse. The actual medication is a pellet that comes preloaded in this applicator. You insert it in the tip of the penis, the medication gets absorbed, and 10 minutes later, magic happens.
I don't prescribe this very often because it's really, really expensive, a little harder to find. But the advantage to this medication is that it doesn't need the nerves to work, whereas the medications like Viagra and Cialis, they need the nerves. Guys usually kind of turn white when I pull this out.
For our listeners, I'm holding an insulin syringe and needle. There is such a treatment where you can actually inject a tiny amount of medicine directly into the penis, and it will give you an erection. I tell men that with the pills like Viagra and Cialis, just in general with ED, it works in about 60% of men.
We can get this to work, the injections to work, in 90-95%. It's such a tiny needle that men say it feels like a poke or a pinch once they get past that initial shock that they think is going to hurt. The usual response is, oh, that wasn't so bad, and it's very effective.
This can work within four to six weeks, so whenever your surgeon says it's okay to engage in sexual activity again, this will work. Then last but not least is a penile implant. That's surgery, and that you have to wait at least a year, if not two, after the prostate surgery.
That works in 99.99%. Wow.
Laura Dugger: (27:40 - 27:56)
We were focusing a lot on men for that one. Is there any medication or any other injections or anything like that for women, other than the vaginal cream or different ways to get estrogen in the vagina?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (27:58 - 31:15)
Yes, we've got all kinds of treatments. If a woman has breast cancer, or for whatever reason we want to avoid hormones as much as possible, then generally we're starting with a vaginal moisturizer, which is different than a lubricant. A lubricant is just for sexual activity and just to make things slipperier and feel better.
That often helps in the beginning, but as the GSM or the atrophy continues, the lubricant isn't enough. A moisturizer, think of like a facial moisturizer or a moisturizer for your hand, in order for it to work, you have to use it regularly, which is probably at least three times a week. These moisturizers can come in forms of a liquid that gets injected.
They're little capsules that you can insert. Reveri is a hyaluronic acid suppository, which you insert in the vagina and over time that can be really helpful. One of my favorites is this Rosebud Everyday Balm.
It's a really nice balm that you can put on the tissues inside the lips and inside the vagina. It's just really, really soothing. Again, you've got to use these things regularly.
It will take a good two months at least to see the full effect, so it doesn't work right away. Just like with the guys where they've got to be patient with the nerves, we have to be persistent and patient with things that can work. A vaginal moisturizer is really helpful.
A lubricant for sexual activity. There are over-the-counter and prescription medications that can help with arousal and orgasm. There are two approved medications for the treatment of low libido in premenopausal women.
One is Addi, which is a pill that you take every day, also known as the pink pill. Another treatment is Vilece, which is an injection. It comes in a pen, so you never see the needle and really don't feel the needle.
You give it to yourself about 45 minutes to an hour before sexual activity. Both of these medications are working on the brain chemistry because the brain is the biggest sex organ in the body. It's the most important sex organ.
It works on the brain chemistry and improving the dopamine and norepinephrine and the good sex positive hormones. Like I said, it's only approved for premenopausal women, but many of us do prescribe it for postmenopausal women. We have studies to show that it's safe and it's effective.
The drug companies didn't go through with all the rigmarole they had to do to get the FDA-approved indication for that. We've got all kinds of tricks up our sleeve.
Laura Dugger: (31:16 - 31:26)
Absolutely. Just piggybacking on that, they wouldn't oftentimes follow through on all those studies, would you say primarily because of financial restraints?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (31:27 - 31:41)
Totally. To get a medication approved for female sexual function, it's multi-million, if not a billion dollars. Studies and everything that needs to be done, it's crazy.
That's why these meds are so expensive.
Laura Dugger: (31:42 - 32:14)
Then you also mentioned earlier bringing in the quality of life. There are so many options to consider, but such a personal basis. I had another question that arose.
You kind of were answering that because this one works with the brain chemistry. I'm thinking the body parts may be functioning and you can do different things to have an erection or be aroused with your genitalia, but how is desire affected with cancer?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (32:16 - 35:03)
It's huge, unfortunately. Again, if we go back to that biopsychosocial model and for everything to work well, everything's got to be working well. If we have pain, of course that drives down desire.
We use the analogy of putting your hand on a hot stove. Pain with sex can hurt just as badly as that. I have women tell me it's 10 out of 10 pain feels like shards of glass.
Obviously, that's not pleasant. If we compare that to putting your hand on a hot stove, why in the world would you want to do that? We've got to take care of the pain.
When it comes to pain, it becomes imprinted in the brain and the body responds by just amplifying that pain. You've got more pain and you have less desire. Part of GSM or surgery or chemotherapy and other treatments, radiation, can affect the nerves.
We don't get those positive sensations and the arousal anymore. There's arousal in the brain as well as arousal in the genital area. If we're not getting that positive feedback that this just isn't fun anymore, it's hard to get enthused about engaging in that.
Sex therapy can be really helpful. Sex therapy isn't going to fix thin tissues, but a sex therapist is very skilled and trained at working with people and working with couples on trying to process this, working through the process and the changes that are happening. Sometimes it is a permanent change in sexual function, so there's grief involved.
Helping to process through some of that is really important. But again, if we take a step back and remember that sexual intimacy is more than just PIV sex, that there are all kinds of ways to be able to give and receive pleasure, as long as each person is comfortable with this. And moving beyond the thinking that, well, if I can't have intercourse, I'm not going to have anything at all, then that may mean you might not have anything at all for the rest of your life.
That makes me sad. We just have to take a step back, work through some of this, because it's a journey, it's a cancer journey, it's an aging journey, and try to make the most of it.
Laura Dugger: (35:04 - 36:32)
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There you're going to find all of our podcasts, now with show notes and transcriptions listed, a scrapbook of various previous guests, and an easy place to join our email list to receive monthly encouragement and questions to ask your loved ones so that you can have your own practical chats for intentional living. You will also be able to access our donation button or our mailing address for sending checks that are tax deductible so that you can support the work of Savvy Sauce Charities and help us continue to reach the nations with the good news of Jesus Christ. So, make sure you visit thesavvysauce.com.
What are some of those examples for someone if they can't have PIV sex anymore? What are ways that you encourage continuing to build intimacy and a knowing of one another and offering and receiving pleasure?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (36:34 - 41:17)
Well, starting with making sure each person is on the same page as far as what they're comfortable with. Okay? Communication is key.
To be able to talk about what you want, what you desire, what your needs are, and listening to your partner say that same thing, trying to make no judgments and not forcing anybody into anything, but just so that we can help understand each other. And when it comes to actual giving and receiving pleasure, whether that's with manual stimulation, with your hands, with your fingers, or if you have a massager, oral stimulation, using a vibrator. And a vibrator can be really helpful for women in menopause, women dealing with cancer treatments, and also for men if they need a little extra help with the stimulation because their nerves aren't working so well.
A vibrator, using it together in the context of giving and receiving pleasure can help, just help with the response, help with the enjoyment, and make it a little more fun, as long as everybody's okay with that. Using a lubricant is really important. And a good lubricant, you want to use a good lubricant because some of the more common ones, unfortunately, have ingredients in them that can actually hurt or irritate.
And like KY and Astroglide, sorry to name names here, but they're basic water-based lubricants, have either glycerin, parabens, or propylene glycol in them, and those can irritate, so we want to try to avoid those. A silicone-based lubricant doesn't have those preservatives, and it stays slippery longer. Where we have to be careful with that is that if you're using a silicone tool, otherwise known as a vibrator, you don't want to use those together because it can ruin the tool.
And if the man is struggling with ED, using too much, especially of a silicone lubricant, can make it too slippery. And too slippery is not so good for him. Oil-based lubricants, they're very nice, except if you're using condoms, it will degrade the condom and create other problems, potentially.
Other ways to stimulate, manually, orally, and when women have pain with intercourse, I'm going to bring in another show-and-tell here, the pain is often coming from the vulva, not so much in the vagina. We talk about vaginal dryness and vaginal atrophy, but the part that's most sensitive is often just right inside the little lips here. And so, if we have terrible pain with penetration, we want to avoid that.
However, the whole surrounding vulvar area is very rich in nerves, can be very much stimulated, and it can feel really good, however each person is comfortable stimulating that area. And another fun fact is that this entire structure is the clitoris. You know, when we think of the clitoris, we think of the glands, this tiny little magic button right here, which, by the way, has 10,000 nerve endings in it.
It's incredible. But the legs, the legs are the cruise of the clitoris, as well as the bulbs. They come down on either side of the vagina.
So, the vagina is here. However, this part of the clitoris can easily be stimulated, so the legs of the clitoris can be easily stimulated, just inside the labia majora, or the outer lips. So, using a vibrator here can be really pleasurable, and you're avoiding the part that hurts.
So, stimulating externally the clitoris, the labia, and wherever else feels good can be very fun. And so, if you try to approach it may be like a game, making it fun and exploring each other's bodies so that you can really figure out ways to make the other person feel good or experience pleasure without causing pain.
Laura Dugger: (41:18 - 41:43)
That's so great. And like you had mentioned, if they go see a Christian sex therapist, they would say the same thing as you to stop when there is pain, because it just makes it worse over time. And so, I love that you've given us other options, if that is the case.
Is there ever a time where orgasm is no longer possible after cancer?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (41:46 - 43:14)
It's possible. Yes. Depending on the cancer and the treatment, that it can make it really difficult or even impossible to get there.
But that's where we want to not focus on orgasm as the ultimate goal, because if we engage in sexual activity with orgasm as the ultimate goal, your brain's not going to let you go there, whether it's the male or the female, either one, the brain is the biggest sex organ in the body. Just trying to go for the gold just won't let you get there. So, you have to relax and enjoy the journey regardless.
So even if the cancer or the treatment didn't necessarily affect orgasm or if it's just our brains, my encouragement is to approach a sexual encounter as an experience. Enjoy the experience. It's not a performance.
We don't want to perform because then we get in our head, and we get nervous and our muscles all tighten up. So, we don't want to perform. We want to enjoy the experience, and it can be very pleasurable.
Even if orgasm isn't part of the picture anymore, it doesn't mean you can't have fun and can't connect because you can.
Laura Dugger: (43:15 - 43:25)
But then I guess also to offer the hope, if I ask it a different way, are there times that orgasm is still possible after a cancer diagnosis?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (43:27 - 44:01)
Absolutely. We always have hope. We always have hope.
Just because you're diagnosed with cancer doesn't mean you're not going to be able to engage in PIV sex or be able to experience an orgasm because that's always a possibility. Don't focus on just getting to the big orgasm. You want to slow down, enjoy the journey, and oftentimes it will come.
There are medications that help with blood flow, that help with arousal and orgasm, and sometimes they can be helpful. Sometimes they're not, but usually it doesn't hurt to try them.
Laura Dugger: (44:02 - 44:26)
There you go. That's a very helpful reminder. It's a piece of the puzzle, not the whole thing.
But if someone right now is walking through their own cancer journey, what else would you advise them both to do and to avoid doing so that they can still enjoy the healthiest sex life possible with their spouse?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (44:29 - 47:19)
That's going to involve several pieces. One, first and foremost, maintain the communication about wants and desires, what hurts, what doesn't, what can we do, what do you want to try tonight? Maintaining the communication.
It's much better to prevent problems like the vaginal dryness and pain than to try to treat it after you've been dealing with it for years sometimes, or even months. If you have, say, breast cancer, just getting in the habit of using one of those vaginal moisturizers from the get-go even before the dryness starts can help prevent problems. Seeing a pelvic floor physical therapist can be really, really helpful.
A pelvic floor physical therapist is a physical therapist who specializes in these pelvic floor muscles that help support everything on the inside. And so if these muscles are too tight, causes pain, and if they're already too tight, doing tangles is the last thing that you want to do, because sometimes it means being able to relax them. Or women who have, who need pelvic radiation, say for uterine cancer, the gynecologic oncologist is usually really good about giving you a vaginal dilator and to use it, but they're not always really good at telling you exactly how to use it, how frequently and how long, so be sure and ask.
Because again, we want to maintain the integrity of the tissues, because it's better to maintain them than try to get it back. That's often quite hard. For guys, especially with prostate cancer, it means participating in that, we call it penile rehabilitation.
So, it's basically physical therapy for the penis. You know, its muscle, so we want to keep that muscle healthy and to help maintain healthy tissues. And just trying to be as good to ourselves as we can, giving ourselves and our partners grace when we need it, because it's a journey and it's not an easy one.
But we believe in a big God and he's there to help us through this and he delights when husband and wife can unite as one, whatever that looks like. And it makes him happy and he's there to try to keep this going for us.
Laura Dugger: (47:21 - 47:40)
And you may have already answered this question with that, but I love how you're always encouraging and gentle and full of hope. So, any other hope that you want to share with anyone who's battled cancer or is in the midst of their journey, but they're still desiring to connect intimately with their spouse?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (47:47 - 48:33)
Sometimes it means asking for help. So, for finding a provider, whether that's a therapist, a gynecologist, a sexual medicine provider, or even your pastor counselor to help you through this. In the show notes, we'll put in websites where you can find a provider because not everybody is educated.
Hardly anybody's educated on this, unfortunately. But there are people out there throughout the country, throughout the world, where you can find to help guide you on this journey. Don't suffer in silence.
We're here to help. So be sure to reach out so we can help you.
Laura Dugger: (48:33 - 48:50)
That's so good, Dr. Christiansen. And are there any other proactive measures that all of us can take to set us up for a healthy sex life into aging or any diagnoses that we may get in the future?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (48:53 - 50:38)
Well, treating our body like a temple, like God says. We have to take good care of ourselves. And just in general, going for your preventative visits and checking your cholesterol and your blood sugar and your blood pressure and screening for cancer so we can prevent them or catch them really early.
And it's so much easier to treat. But things like smoking and diabetes and being overweight and high blood pressure, high cholesterol, they impact sexual function very negatively, especially smoking. Guys are still surprised when I tell them, or I show them a picture of a cigarette with ashes that are kind of wilting off the end.
This is your penis. This is what happens with smoking. Okay.
So quitting smoking. And in women, we have those same little blood vessels and nerves that men do. And so not taking care of ourselves as far as weight, exercise and diabetes and all that stuff, that affects our sexual function, too.
So just making sure that we take a proactive stance on just taking really good care of our medical and our mental health because that's so important. And our spiritual health. Can't forget that, too.
Yeah. Just, you know, taking care of ourselves because aging does impact sexual function. As we get older, our endurance isn't quite what it used to be.
Certainly not as flexible as we used to be. Things kind of hurt. Achy joints and whatever.
So, the more we can take care of ourselves, the more we can enjoy that sexual intimacy, which does involve a little bit of physical exertion.
Laura Dugger: (50:39 - 51:03)
Absolutely. Well, you've shared a lot of places where we can go to seek help. But I would love to know where we can continue to learn from you or a website where people can find out more of your offerings because you mentioned not many people are educated in this field or on this topic, but you are a great resource.
So where would you direct all of us after this chat?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (51:05 - 52:23)
Well, I started my own business called Intimate Focus, Intimate-Focus.com. Where my goal is to offer education and quality products that people can use to help equip them and enhance sexual intimacy. As part of my clinical career where I see patients, we'd often talk about using a good lubricant or getting a vibrator to help with those nerves that just aren't quite as effective anymore.
And so many times they told me they were just not comfortable going to an adult store or they didn't want to purchase them on Amazon because it could be a shared account and kids or whatever may see what they're ordering. So, this is a private and secure site and I don't even know how to sell your email so don't worry, that's not going to happen. Where you can purchase good quality products, I vet them out myself to make sure that they don't contain the ingredients that I encourage women to avoid and no pictures with nudity or anything like that because I want it to be a comfortable space or at least as comfortable as we can make it for everybody.
Laura Dugger: (52:24 - 52:43)
Wonderful. Well, I'll certainly link that in the show notes as well. And Dr. Christiansen, you are already a friend of The Savvy Sauce, so you know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so, as my final question for you today, what is your Savvy Sauce?
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (52:46 - 53:15)
Well, you know, James in the Bible is a very practical kind of guy and I love his advice that we should all be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. And if we were all able to do that or at least just a little more of that, I think our world would be a much better place to live.
Laura Dugger: (53:16 - 53:42)
This is so good. I cannot hear that verse enough and I just truly look so forward to the times that I get to spend with you. You are such a calming presence full of wisdom.
That's what we prayed for before we had the recording begin for today. And I am just overflowing with gratitude. So, thank you, Dr. Christiansen, for all that you've shared. Thank you so much for being my returning guest.
Dr. Kris Christiansen: (53:43 - 53:48)
Well, thank you, Laura. This has been great. It's an honor to be on your show.
Laura Dugger: (53:50 - 57:32)
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So, would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So, you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 14, 2025
Monday Apr 14, 2025
Special Patreon Re-Release: Love and Loss with James Jetton
James 1:2-4 (NIV) "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
**Transcription Below**
James Jetton's Bio: My name is James Jetton. I have and still do live a crazy beautiful, challenging, and blessed life. I am blessed to get to raise 4 beautiful children, and I have spent time getting to serve a fantastic community as a Recreation Minister, where I got to combine my love of Jesus, sports, and people. I served in this role for 13 years before my bride Kaetlin was diagnosed with Leukemia in 2020. Unfortunately, after an awe-inspiring journey with cancer, Kaetlin went to meet her Savior in January of 2022.
Clearly, this changed so much of my life trajectory. Currently, I’m working towards obtaining a Masters in Social Work to take the pain and experiences I have had to help others through their pain. Kaet and I were married in 2009 and built a beautiful life; we taught each other so much. So, I deeply desire to take everything we learned together and the lessons the Lord has taught me to help others.
I mentioned earlier that I have 4 exceptional children, Laken, 9, Isla Kaet, 7, Hattie, 6, and Ryder, 4. Laken is my go-getter; she is fearless, strong, and tough. Sweet Isla Kaet is a quiet thinker and planner and is often referred to as little Kaet. She cares deeply and is always looking for ways where she can help and take care of her family. Hattie is our child with special needs and has been diagnosed with GNB-1 Syndrome (a rare genetic disorder). Hattie will light up any room she is in; it’s incredible that a child who only has a few words, uses a wheelchair, and is “limited” by our world’s standards, can bring joy to people in a way that I never knew was possible. Ryder the caboose is a maniac, and his sisters affectionately call him “Wreck it Ryder” he has no fear and is a super extrovert; he keeps us all on our toes. He is what some would say, “all boy.”
This is a brief bio of me and our circus; through everything, we have found joy in all circumstances. Although there are exceptionally hard days as we have endured much grief, God has always provided, and I am thankful for the life God has given us.
Questions we discuss:
- Life took an unexpected twist in 2016. Will you catch us up on your discoveries that year?
- While many of us were in the midst of changing schedules and suddenly homeschooling children in May of 2020, your family was receiving even more news. Will you share that with us now?
- What is life like for your family these days, as grief likely comes at unexpected times?
Thank You to Our Sponsors: Chick-fil-A East Peoria and The Savvy Sauce Charities (and donate online here)
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Other Episodes from The Savvy Sauce of God's Faithfulness:
17 Being on Both Sides of Forgiveness with Adelle Dickie
18 Clinging to Jesus as I lived Through My Worst Nightmare with Angela Braker
19 Grief and Triumph and God's Pursuit Though it All with Julie Locke Moore
20 Joy in the Lord Even Through Tremendous Loss…Twice with Rachel Faulkner Brown
83 Miracles of God with Founder of Midwest Food Bank, David Kieser
120 Our Story for His Glory with Mercedes Cotchery
134 Fashion Meets Faith with Shari Braendel
141 Rescued from Poverty with Norah Birungi
143 Prodigal Story: Sexuality, Drugs, and Scripture with Dr. Christopher Yuan
160 Unleash This Generation with the Power of the Gospel with Greg Stier
161 God Redeems with Hettie Brittz
162 Healing from Spouse's Sexual Addiction with Jennifer Roush
174 Stories of God's Upside Down Economy with Kristen Welch
208 Tremendous Testimony and Adding Spark into Your Marriage with David & Teri Sumlin
223 Journey and Learnings as Former Second Lady of the United States with Karen Pence
229 Escape from Modern Day Sex Slavery with Rachel Timothy
Special Patreon 28 Re-Release: What to Do When You Don't Like Your Story with Sharon Jaynes
231 Stories Series: Faith Building Miracles with Dave Pridemore
232 Stories Series: Testify to Glorify with Richard Gamble
233 Stories Series: Surprises from God with Tiffany Noel
Special Patreon Re-Release: Patreon 30 Story of Perseverance with Jenny Boyett
234 Stories Series: Redemption From Sexual Sin in Marriage with Garrett and Brenna Naufel
235 Stories Series: Ever-Present Help in Trouble with Kent Heimer
236 Stories Series: God's Power and Light with Jaime Farrell
237 Stories Series: Prodigal and Redemption with Renee Endress
238 Stories Series: God Delights in His Children with Brad Habegger
239 Stories Series: Experiencing the Supernatural with Jackie Coleman
240 Stories Series: God's Rescue and Covering in Parenting with Brenda Dugger
242 Stories Series: He Gives and Takes Away with Joyce Hodel
243 Stories Series: Angel Encounter and Hearing from God with Mary Beth Zimmerman
244 Stories Series: Medical Marvels with Carolyn Henricks
245 Stories Series: Miracles Big and Small with Dr. Rob Rienow
246 Stories Series: Experiencing God's Tangible Love with Jen Moore
247 Stories Series: Exciting Adventures Follow Radical Obedience with Susan Zobrist
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:09)
Laura Dugger: (0:09 - 2:07)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here. I'm grateful for today's sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria.
Check them out online to place your order for dining or catering, or to fill out an application to join their friendly team. Visit cfaeastpeoria.com. If you've been with us long, you know this podcast is only one piece of our nonprofit, which is The Savvy Sauce Charities.
Don't miss out on our other resources. We have questions and content to inspire you to have your own practical chats for intentional living. And I also hope you don't miss out on the opportunity to financially support us through your tax-deductible donations.
All this information can be found on our recently updated website, thesavvysauce.com. And now, I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons.
My guest for today is James Jetton.
Mark and I attended the same family camp as James in 2022. I observed a father who was very devoted to his children, and one of his precious daughters was in a wheelchair, which was always by his side. He was so tender with his children, and I just assumed his wife was resting while he was attending to the family.
I did not learn of his full story until after camp, and it was through a mutual friend, April Siervo. But then, after she shared a bit more of their story, I immediately reached out to James to request that he share his faith and testimony with us today. Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, James.
James Jetton: (2:07 - 2:15)
I'm happy to be here. I'm looking forward to talking to you and just kind of sharing how God has moved in our lives the past few years.
Laura Dugger: (2:15 - 2:24)
You have already lived through so much, but let's just start here. When did Jesus initially draw you to himself?
James Jetton: (2:26 - 3:25)
Yeah, I think that's like, you know, it's a big question, right? But also, it shouldn't be. I think the first time I really just kind of came to know the Lord, I was in the eighth grade.
I had a retreat, and in that moment, for me, it was a situation of— it wasn't necessarily for me, but also just trying to do the right thing. I grew up in Birmingham, Alabama, so I was in the Bible Belt. I was like, this is what we're supposed to do.
We're supposed to give our lives to Jesus. But I would say probably going into my senior year of high school, I had some moments just kind of alone at a beach, actually. I was like, what am I doing with my life?
And I believe that that was kind of the first one real moment in my life where I decided, I think I'm going to actually follow the Lord now and not just do this, just to say I'm doing it. And so that was really the first time I really felt the Lord draw me to him. And then, of course, as time goes on, there's all these other little moments throughout where he's continually staying close and bringing me back to him when I feel like I'm drifting away and that sort of thing.
Laura Dugger: (3:27 - 3:39)
Thank you for sharing that. And you've written before on your blog that, I'll quote, one of the best decisions I have ever made was when I persuaded Kaetlin to marry me, end quote.
James Jetton: (3:39 - 3:40)
Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (3:40 - 3:43)
James, how did the two of you meet and fall in love?
James Jetton: (3:44 - 5:30)
Yeah, so we went to college together. We went to Troy University. I vividly remember a time where she was getting out of her car, and she didn't know me at this time.
But I remember seeing her. I think I met her maybe once or twice through some mutual friends. I remember seeing her get out of the car and literally, I'll never forget this moment.
I was like, man, if I could just have a girl like that. And it stuck with me. And I think the first time we met, I think I made some comments that she wasn't happy about, about some fraternity guys that were in a different fraternity than me that I didn't think too highly of.
But I didn't realize in that moment that she was actually the sweetheart of that fraternity. And so, we kind of got off to a little bad step there. But I remember she broke up with another boyfriend.
That was part of the reason I saw her. And I was like, I could never have a girl like that. All the girls like that are taken.
And so, she broke up with her boyfriend. I remember her best friend called me and was like, “Hey, can I bring her over to y'all's house? Because she just needs to laugh”.
I was like, “Well, we can do that. We can make sure she laughs”. And so, I think from there, we just kind of, I don't know, just we continued to talk.
And for some reason, she liked me a little bit and I liked her a whole lot. And we dated for about three years in college. And when we got out of college, we got married in May of 2009.
And so that was kind of where life began to speed up a lot at that point. But that was the first time I'll never forget those moments. And then there's other things throughout.
But I remember seeing her in the parking lot like that girl.
Laura Dugger: (5:31 - 5:43)
So, I love that. And OK, so married in 2009 and then children came a little while later. So how many children did you add to your family?
James Jetton: (5:44 - 6:28)
Yeah, we have four kids. Our first child was born in 2013. So, after we got married, we lived back here in Niceville for a little bit but then ended up moving.
She wanted to go to PA school, and I was working a job I didn't care too much for. So, I was like, how quickly can we go to school? And so, we moved to West Tennessee where she went to PA school.
And I ended up going to school there, too, because she studied all the time, and I was bored. And I was like, I guess I should do something productive as well. So that was 2009 and we had a lot of fun.
We love to travel, did a lot of fun things. And then in 2013, we had our first child, Laken.
Laura Dugger: (6:28 - 6:39)
And then if you fast forward, life took an unexpected twist in 2016. So, will you catch us up on your discoveries that year?
James Jetton: (6:40 - 13:07)
Yeah. So, we, you know, so we had Laken in 2013. Then, we had another part of our - we did have a miscarriage between Laken and Isla who was born in 2015. But then we had Hattie who was born in 2016.
And Hattie's our child with special needs. And she was born in - all of our pregnancies where we used to joke with people that could have babies and just bounce right back and have these beautiful, wonderful pregnancies. And they loved it.
That was not us. Every single one of our pregnancies brought some challenge within it. And so with Hattie, my wife started swelling a lot and kind of found out she had some clotting in her legs.
And so, we ended up having to induce labor for her with that happening. And, you know, when she my wife was also a PA in the ER. So, she understood medical things way better than I did.
I was kind of oblivious to a lot of things. So, she would probably say it was a little bit more scary than I realized it was when she was giving birth. But when Hattie came, like in some accounts, it just kind of seemed normal.
But she was having some trouble breathing. And so, she was in our hospital. In order to go to the NICU, you have to kind of get transferred out to a smaller hospital.
And so, they were keeping her under observation that night. And her breathing wasn't really getting a whole lot better. And they did x-rays and stuff like that, but couldn't really find much.
And then there was a morning where we were about ready to load up and send her to the NICU. And Kaetlin went and held her. And when she went and held her, she started breathing better.
And she calmed down. And it was kind of crazy. It was genuinely like the love of a mother.
Just like this connection seemed to just calm Hattie down. But we ended up finding out later, one of the nurses was amazing. And was like, I think that she has a broken collarbone.
They didn't see it on the x-ray at first because of the way her chin was turned. And so, when they went back and looked, they did another one. And sure enough, she did have a broken collarbone.
So, at the time, we kind of thought that was kind of the reason for her distressed breathing and that sort of thing. And she had trouble latching and sucking. And what we kind of came to find out later is she had what would be called hypotonia.
Which is basically where the best way to describe it in layman's terms is like a floppy baby. Like you hold her up and everything just kind of flops. And I remember Kaitlyn going to her four-month appointment.
And her being very concerned like, “Hey, Hattie's not meeting milestones. And I think that this isn't going to be a good appointment”. And sure enough, the doctor agreed.
We've always had amazing doctors around us. And so, he agreed. And so, we got referred to neurology.
And another just cool story about how God just provides. One of my best friends growing up, his dad was a neurologist in Birmingham. And so, I called him.
And he's like, all right, I got it. You're going to be here next Thursday. I'm like, oh, okay.
When we were kind of told like it's going to be like three or four months before we can even get you into a neurologist. And so, like God just kind of provided that. And we started that journey of trying to figure out what's going on.
And anyone who's ever had a special needs child, especially when you don't know what it is. Because there was nothing we could have done to foresee this happening. What Hattie had was called DeNovo, like just completely her.
Didn't come from me. Didn't come from Kaylin. And there's no other kids with special needs in our family.
It was just something we couldn't have expected or planned or could have even seen or anything like that. And so just kind of going through a lot of different doctors and tests and eventually getting referred to Johns Hopkins in Baltimore. Because at the time they thought it might be a neuromuscular thing.
And so, from there, they're like, oh, we don't think that's what it is. But then we ran a whole bunch of genetic panels. And like you're just going through all of that.
It definitely there's waves, right? Like it's like you want an answer, but at some level you're afraid of the answer. So, like each time we would do testing stuff before nothing would ever come back.
And so, it was like a relief. Okay, well, good. It's not that one.
Okay. Not that one. But then you're still like, well, what is it?
And so, after we went to Baltimore, they did much more extensive genetic testing. We found out she had this genetic disorder, or syndrome is what they're calling it now called GNV1. And it's crazy rare.
Like at the time, there were only 64 known cases. It was discovered in 2016. So, there's chances that there's other kids out there with it.
I think now there's a little over 100 that they know of. We're part of like a Facebook group where there's some of them in there. And so that's what we got the diagnosis for Hattie.
And so, what that means, I guess, probably no one knows what GNV1 is. Not even doctors. We go to doctors like, oh, can you tell us what this is?
We'll do our best. But it just starts out as hypotonia and global delay, which means every aspect of her is delayed from speech to gross and fine motor movements and all that kind of stuff. And also like with kids with special needs, it doesn't seem to affect any one of them the exact same way.
And so, but the thing about Hattie is like she has an infectious smile. She has this joy that is unreal. Like anybody that meets her just can't get enough of her.
And that is true in so many ways. Hattie uses a wheelchair to get around and Hattie's expressive language. So, her ways to communicate is behind.
But she understands everything. I mean, everything, which is pretty amazing, is my understanding. Not all the kids have that ability to receive and understand things as well as she does.
But she is an absolute joy. We used to always say and still do that Hattie's going to change the world. And we know the fact she's changed my world for sure.
And we know she's changed many others. But yeah, I could keep going on and on. But where we are today, like genuinely that she is a purpose and a reason why I've got to get up every single day.
Yeah. So, she's pretty amazing. Like I'm just yeah, I could go on and on about her.
Laura Dugger: (13:08 - 18:15)
I think you described her so well with an infectious smile and joy is the word that comes to mind when you see her. Yeah. And now a brief message from our sponsors.
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In a different season, when many of us were in the midst of changing schedules and suddenly homeschooling our children in May of 2020, your family was receiving even more news. So, will you share that with us now as well?
James Jetton: (18:16 - 22:36)
Yeah. We did have our fourth kid, Ryder. He was born in 2018, and he is a wild man.
My wife and I used to always say, or people would tell us, you'll know when you're done. But we had him, and we were like, okay, we're broke. We're done.
No more. But he's awesome. But yeah, the move forward to then, you know, that COVID stuff was really hard.
It was really hard. I was working for a church, and I do sports and rec ministry, and also I was doing student ministry at the time. And so, for me personally, like, things just kind of got shut down.
No one was doing sports leagues, and student ministry looked weirder than ever. And then my wife, she was working in the emergency room as a PA, and so she was facing everything head on. And so, I guess that kind of started in March.
It's funny, just to kind of back up a little bit. We felt prior to that, probably February or March of that 2020, when things were kind of like exploding, we just felt the Lord doing something in our lives. We felt like He was preparing us for something.
We felt like it was going to be something just amazing. But then as we moved forward to try to understand what God is doing, what He was telling us, in May, my 4-year-old, she had her preschool graduation. And I'll never forget this day.
My wife was a go-getter. She's tough. She's strong.
And we had a super weird COVID graduation for Isla, my 4-year-old. And it was weird because it was a drive-through graduation, so we had to get up there early and go do it. So, my wife also, she would do work night shifts so that she could be home with the kids when I couldn't be there.
And so, it wasn't uncommon for her to have to sleep in some. But this was like she hadn't worked the night before, and she hadn't worked. And so, we'd been off for two days, but she was just so exhausted.
She had this terrible headache that morning. And for her to say, like, I can't go to the graduation, that was like, there's something significant here. And I told her, like, she had gone to the doctor about a week before and got on some antibiotics, but it wasn't doing anything.
And I was just like, hey, I think it's time to go back to the doctor because you're not any better. And I've got to take these kids to this graduation. So, I loaded up all the kids.
We went to the drive-through graduation. While I was there, she called and said that her sister was going to take her to the emergency room. So that was a long day.
At that time, COVID was full on, so she couldn't have visitors. No one could come in with her. She had to be dropped off and go inside.
One huge plus in that for our specific situation is that she was taken to her own emergency room. So, she still had her friends and what she would call family there as well. And so, she dropped her off.
My sister-in-law dropped her off and just kind of waited in the parking lot until we figured out what was going on. So, it kind of went throughout that whole day. And I remember that night, the school was doing another virtual graduation where they showed pictures and that sort of thing.
And she texted me and said, I need to talk to you now. I was like, okay, like right now? Because I'm home alone with all four of the kids.
She's like, yeah, and I need you to get away from the kids. I was like, this doesn't sound good. What could this be?
And so, we FaceTimed, and that's where she told me they think I have leukemia. And so then as things started speeding up, we sent out a message to our church asking for prayers. From there, I put the kids to bed.
I drove to Pensacola. She got transferred to Pensacola, and we started treatment there for leukemia. So that was what happened.
That was the big moment in May. And then from there, there's a whole lot more. And so, I'll share as you wish.
Laura Dugger: (22:37 - 22:54)
Wow. Thank you for catching us up to that point, James. I can't even imagine the initial devastation that comes.
And as your journey unfolds, I remember seeing a post about leaving your light on.
James Jetton: (22:54 - 24:24)
Yeah. Like I said earlier, my wife always did the night shift. And so, I always left the light on for her when she was at work and then turned it off when she came home.
And so, yeah, so early on, I said that I'm not turning the light off until you come home. And so, during that time, the first treatment, it doesn't seem like a lot now because she was in the hospital so much. We didn't know how long she'd be in there.
But the first initial treatment, they're like, you're going to be in for three weeks. And so, I knew that she wouldn't be home for three weeks. And I guess this is me just kind of realizing that was a long time for the kids.
I remember talking to a friend of mine who was leading a small group of high school boys. And I remember him telling them, like, how hard do you think it would be if your mom was gone for three weeks? I was like, yeah, it's not easy.
But so. So, yeah, so that was that was the reason. Just like my wife, one, she was a light in the midst of all the darkness that she was having to face.
And I just wanted to make a point that like, hey, we're leaving this light on for you until you come home. And in a lot of respects, you know, she did go home. Long, long story.
But, yeah, that that was the reason for the light.
Laura Dugger: (24:25 - 24:34)
So, well, and the way that you describe her, it sounds like our mutual friend April said her joy was just out of this world.
James Jetton: (24:34 - 24:36)
Yeah, that's true.
Laura Dugger: (24:36 - 24:49)
It sounds like maybe the both of you share that, but you were not entering into a joyful season. So, what did the next few months and year even look like?
James Jetton: (24:49 - 30:47)
Yeah. So initially, when things went down, my wife and I agreed that we would not let our kids lose both their parents. And so, I tried to make it a point to be home at night.
So, when we were in Pensacola, like I would stay with her some nights, but I would also be home at night to put the kids to bed or I would put the kids to bed and I'd drive over that night and come back in the morning or be with her during the day. Like, you know, it was just crazy stuff. One, you know, it happened at the end of the school year.
So, we have all the kids at home. We didn't get to send them off to school. We were blessed to have an amazing college student.
It was one of Kaetlin's girls that she got to mentor when she was in high school. She was an amazing girl. She decided she would be like our nanny that summer.
And so, she was with our kids all day, every day. So, I could go and be with Kaetlin during the day and come home at night. And so, we went through that.
We were here and we did the treatment in Pensacola. It didn't work. And so, the next step at that point was like, well, what are we doing now?
And on a Thursday, the doctor was like, I think we need to go to MD Anderson. We'll see if there's a spot. And then on a Friday, they had a spot.
And then on Monday, we were in Houston at MD Anderson. I went to MD Anderson with her. You know, COVID protocol there still.
I could only be with her for 14 days and inpatient. And then I had to leave as an inpatient. So, I can only go with her for 14 days in that initial time.
And so, we went there. She started a treatment plan. We found an apartment.
And then I left. And then her dad came. And her dad was huge in a lot of this stuff and was able to allow us to do things like me and be with the kids.
And so, I think I stayed there for 10 days. And then he came over to stay with Kaetlin to take her back and forth to the hospital, just receiving treatment. And then I came home, and I came back to Niceville.
And that was during the summer. July, we were at home. We stayed in Niceville just kind of waiting to see, like, is Kaet going to be there longer?
Or is she going to be coming back here? And that was a wild summer. And this is what I think I would tell a lot of people that are going through hard things.
Like just because you're going through hard things doesn't mean there's other hard things. They're just a part of life. And, you know, when you have four kids, stuff happens.
You know, like we had one of my daughters, Isla, she had to have eye surgery that summer. While Kaet was in Houston. So that was an interesting thing.
My four-year-old son, he busted his head open on the back of a step going outside. So, he had to have some stitches in his head. He's the second that has had stitches in our family.
And he was the youngest. So, then the treatment, the goal was to get her to a place where she could do a bone marrow transplant. And so, we got, they got her to that point.
Her leukemia cell counts were low enough that we're ready to do a bone marrow transplant. And at that point, you know, we decided we're going to move to Houston. Everything was virtual at that time.
And I just couldn't see any reason why we couldn't all be together in Houston. And so, we found an apartment, we hunkered down. It's a two-bedroom apartment.
We built some makeshift bunk beds. And so, we moved there in August. And the community we have here was unreal.
The support that we have. Like I didn't, we didn't have to make a meal for, I felt like six months, I think. Like it was just crazy.
And people were allowing it and giving us money. So, we didn't have to worry about these kinds of things and what we're doing. And from moving packing boxes, like, I mean, I can't, it's just unfathomable.
All the different things that were put in place for us to do, to do what we did. And I don't think it would have happened without the community that came around us and our church here was great, but I've got to see The Big-C Church. And, and, and it was, it was amazing.
And so, we ended up, we all moved to Houston, and we lived in a two-bedroom apartment. Part of that story is like, you know, it's like, all right, we're doing this. And then talk about kids.
My four-year-old, the one that had also had the eye surgery, she had broken her ankle on a scooter. Like a week before we're going, it was like, are you kidding me? How is this happening right now?
But we had some great friends like, you know, when your wife is involved in the middle of the medical world, it makes access to doctors and stuff a lot easier when you're in a small town, like we are. So, they got it taken care of, got her in a cast. I was like, yeah, but we can't return with this hard cast.
We're going to Houston. He's like, all right, we'll get her in a hard cast. And we'll put her in a boot for the rest of the time.
So, we moved there. And you know, the dreams of like riding scooters around downtown Houston and doing all this kind of stuff kind of went away a little bit with the kid. And so, he, but there was a pool there.
So, we went swimming, she could swim. And so, we, we just made the best of what we had. Like we, we had a lot of good memories in that little apartment, even though it was, it was tough.
I remember, we, Halloween wasn't too long ago. We had our own little Halloween party in that apartment where we all dressed up, even Kaet. Cause she ended up getting her bone marrow transplant that time.
And another aspect of where dad was so important is when you get in the bone marrow transplant, you cannot leave, and you can have one guest. And so, her dad came and he stayed with her. It was about 30 days of bone marrow transplant.
And so, he was there with her so I could be with the kids, doing the best I can with that virtual school and, and managing Ryder and Hattie in the midst of trying to do school work with the kids. It's nothing I ever want to go back to.
Laura Dugger: (30:48 - 31:03)
Well, and not to mention you appreciate The Big-C Church, but Houston was not your long-term community. So, being here in this new place and all of these transitions, what were the results of her bone marrow transplant?
James Jetton: (31:04 - 40:17)
Yeah. So, the bone marrow transplant, it ended up working. She went into remission and so we get to come home Thanksgiving of 2020.
We came home and that was awesome. It was like a huge homecoming. Finally got back home.
She's, she's in remission. We felt like we'd beaten this. We, you know, we got that Christmas here and we were back home.
We even, our family always loves to go, has always gone to North Carolina for vacation every year. And we didn't get to do that. But so, it was like, now we're going.
And so, in January we're like, all right, we're going kids. It was just me and the kids and Kaet and we wanted to go see snow. So, we went up there and we found a place to stay.
It was an awesome trip. Loved it so much. We, when we had to check out of our place, we found another house so we could stay in for a few more days.
And so, you know, at that time though, when we were doing that, she was kind of having these red bumps kind of popping up over her. We didn't really know what it was. It could have been a reaction.
We couldn't figure it out. Saw some doctors here locally. No one could really figure out what it was.
And I think fast forward, what we found out probably, I think it was February. She came out of remission and that was kind of the beginning signs of her coming out of remission. And so that's where, life sped up.
Like, I mean, if it wasn't already fast, it was, it was just unreal. It was like a whirlwind like it was because she had to fly to Houston to go and see her doctors. And so, she was in Houston by herself when she found out that she had come out of remission, and they were going to start immediately.
So, she stays, and she flies over on Friday and on Monday they got her back doing her treatment. And so, and I was like, well, it looks like we're moving to Houston. And I was like, but this time we're not staying in a two-bedroom apartment.
It's like we're going to make this a little bit more manageable for us. So, we had some great family. Kaetlin actually had a cousin who lived in Houston.
We found a house inside their neighborhood that we could rent. And this was, you know, more, more provision that he just continued to show. We found this house in like a week and we had people from our community boxing up everything in our house.
He's gotten a truck, and we thought that we'd all get everything in one truck. But we didn't get everything in one truck. We'd even hired the movers to load up the truck.
They couldn't get it all in there. So, I was like, y'all told me that it would all fit on this truck, but now it's not. And it's Friday at like 5 p.m. when we were supposed to leave tonight. So, we're not leaving. But my brother came down. I had another one of my best friends come down and they were like, we got to go, we're going to make this happen.
So that next morning, I'm not kidding. When there was like 20 to 30 guys in my house, a brother had gotten the truck. I hadn't even, they left early to go with the truck.
I'd come. And I was at the house with the kids at a friend's house. And when me and the kids showed up, these 30 guys had already loaded up the truck and we were ready to go.
Guy came and dropped off a big spread of McDonald's for everybody. We prayed over us and we headed out that morning. And so, it was just, I mean, just crazy that, you know, in one week we packed up a four-bedroom house, loaded up two trucks and drove to Houston and we're now unloading at a new house in Houston.
And, and that's where we were for a while. That was where Kaetlin, then we went back into the treatment more aggressively trying to get her back to remission. And so that was, when we moved there in March of 2021.
And that was kind of our place for a while. We actually thought we'd be there for a real long time. Kids had started school there, trying our best to get connected community there, but it's difficult, especially when you've come from a place where you feel so connected and then you're moving somewhere new where you don't really know anybody.
And then you're moving there in a time where the whole town shut down. It was tough, but we got the kids back in school. We tried to start getting them back into normalcy of life.
And there's all these new trials when you're going through this stuff every day, it seems like there's a new trial. MD Anderson is amazing. They treat each patient. It's like an individual.
So, every plan they have is just specifically for that patient. And so, they were going to try to do this CAR T-cell treatment. So, we'd kind of gone through the whole summer, and then we get to the point where she's going to do her CAR T-cell treatment.
Now, you know, we, we were hunkered down with this COVID stuff. Like we didn't, we didn't do much. We got really good at DoorDash and grocery delivery.
And we, you know, we masked up everywhere we could because Kaetlin's system was so immuno-compromised and we had done what we had thought was a very good job of keeping her safe, keeping everyone safe. Well, and then she got to the point where she was ready to start this new trial with CAR T-cell treatment. And she gets admitted that night and every time they go in and they give her a COVID test, well, that night she had COVID.
And it was, it was like, what? And she didn't feel bad. Her dad had gotten it too.
Like we, and I, so I remember getting that, it was like one o'clock in the morning. I was asleep. I remember it like blowing up my phone.
And I was like, I didn't realize it until later. And I talked to her. And that was definitely a tough conversation because she had to like get moved, packed up and moved out and moved to a different place and then treatment for the COVID stuff.
But the crazy part was, and it was kind of, you know, I wanted to get frustrated about things I could, but like, she had zero symptoms and she had just tested positive. And so, the next morning we all had to go get tested. And it was just the weirdest thing.
I know that COVID has been so devastating to so many people. But in that moment for us, it was like, we don't like, I was like, I ran nine miles yesterday and now I'm positive for COVID. I don't.
And so, but what it did was it kicked her out of the trial that she was on. And so, then she had to come home. The next process was just kind of getting her ready for that same thing.
Basically, what her doctor did was like, I'm not taking out, you're going to get kicked off the trial, but I'm just going to make you my own individual patient. We're going to do it that way. And so, we had some, we had some pretty high hopes for this.
Doctor seemed pretty optimistic about this plan. And so, we had been renting our house in, in Niceville. And with this new plan, I would have had Kaetlin there for like three years.
And so, we were like, you know, do we really want to rent our house anymore? It's like, no, we don't. All right, well let's sell our house.
So, we sold our house, and it sold in like less than 24 hours. And it's like $25,000 over asking price. It was like, well, okay, God, I feel like that's what we're supposed to do.
And so, she went in to get that treatment. And, and, uh, unfortunately, uh, we found out that didn't work. Uh, it was like, well, she can't remember coming home and saying like, well, I'm ready.
I want to go back home. I was like, what? We just sold our house.
We don't have a home right now. But God always makes a way and you always provide always. Um, and so we, you know, I was like, all right, we want to go home.
We're going to go home. And at first I was being very logical. I was like, well, let's let the kids finish out the semester.
Cause this was like around Halloween is when she realized it didn't work and we're going to come home. So, we were able to come home. We had some amazingly generous friends who they got us a private flight to come home for that Halloween.
And I guess when we were there, um, that's where we really just decided we need to be back. And, and so she, when we went back to talk to her doctors about managing her leukemia remotely. And so that was what the plan was.
So we, we moved back that Thanksgiving, uh, with all of our stuff and we were looking for a place to stay. It was actually kind of a fun month. We were living on the beach for a couple months or really from Thanksgiving to right before Christmas.
We had some pretty awesome things come available. We were able to live in a house on the beach. And so that was, that was mine and my wife's always kind of like a special place.
And so, we love the water, and we love the beach. And so that was an awesome place for us to be. And so, uh, coming back, it was tough.
She was getting out of the hospital a lot just with fevers and stuff like that. And then we got to have Christmas here that December. And then January 9th of this past year, she, she, uh, eventually passed away.
We weren't expecting, I mean, we knew that there would be an end, but I don't think we could have expected it to, um, happen then. And I think we kind of thought we'd have a little bit more time, but we didn't, but we were thankful. I'm thankful for my wife.
It was like we got to get back now because we knew that when an issue did pass that we needed to be in our hometown and not in Houston, where our community was much smaller.
Laura Dugger: (40:18 - 40:27)
So, yeah. And so, you're together, you're celebrating Christmas. And then things suddenly turned unexpectedly.
James Jetton: (40:28 - 40:28)
Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (40:28 - 40:31)
And that led to losing her on January 9th.
James Jetton: (40:32 - 44:59)
Yeah. You know, nothing really happened like, you know, in that leukemia world. And you know, a lot of cancers that give you like, you know, a prognosis like, you have three months, you have four months full, but blood cancer is very different.
And it kind of exacts you and, and there's no way to really know for sure, like, is this going to work or how long do we have and that sort of thing. And she was just in and out of the hospital so much. When we came back home, when you have leukemia, anytime you have a fever above a hundred point four, it's like you're immediately going to the doctor.
And so that's kind of how, you know, when she went in, like, there's still kind of an expectation that she would come home. But then those last few days, like, I just, I vividly remember as we're trying to figure out what to do, we're going to, are we going to go to a new treatment plan or we're going to try something else? Or, or is this kind of the end?
And her doctor here, he said, there was a plan that we possibly could have done, but he was like, they're saying this got a success rate of like, whatever, nine of 10 people went into remission with it. He's like, but when you look closer, they were only in remission for four weeks. And he was like, is this what we want to do?
Cause chemo just, it wipes you out. And it's like, there's no way to continue to live like this. But she, Kaetlin, she was, she just had a way of bringing a peace over everybody.
She had a way of like knowing exactly what everyone needed, I guess, in some respects. Cause I remember leaving the day we decided we would not do the treatment plan. And I came home, like I said, I always try to be home to put my kids to bed.
She said that the night before it kind of, she went downhill fast. She got up and walked around the hospital with her dad and told her dad like, “Hey, I think I'm going to do, I think I'm going to do it. I'm going to do the treatment plan.”
You know, I've talked to him about this, but I feel like that was almost like the piece he needed to go home. You know, when she passed, it was like, it was beautiful. Like it was, it was such a blessing that she was in her home hospital and that the doors, it was like a revolving door.
I remember Kaetlin told me once, she said, “when I pass or when I'm in the last days, don't tell anyone that they can't come see me.” And so, we were trying to figure out how we're going to do this. And I was like, well, she said that anybody who wants to come see me, let them come see me.
And so, we put a word out and there was like a revolving door of people just coming in and out of the room all day. Like the doctors, the ER told the front desk people, like, you know, technically, I guess you're only supposed to have like two visitors or something because of the COVID things. And she was like, anybody that comes in and says they want to see Kaetlin Jetton, you say, “Go on up”.
So it was, it was pretty awesome seeing all these people come in and see her. And we had already gotten to see the impact that she had made on so many people's lives for the past couple of years, but it was cool to see them all there doing that. And I remember the night she passed, I leaned over, I was heading home and two of my best friends since the ninth grade had come down and they were at the house with the kids and I was coming home to put the kids to bed.
And I leaned over and gave her a kiss and I said, don't wait on me. It's like, it's okay. It's time to go home.
And sure enough, that's, I left that night and I got a phone call about 11 from her dad and she had passed and that, and I think that, you know, in some respects, it's like, should I have been there? I was like, but I think that also was like, no, Kaet wanted you to be with your two guys. And Kayla knew that her family would be there with her.
And she did exactly what she wanted to do. You know, she always had a plan even from her like celebration service. She had everything written out.
Who's going to speak, what songs are playing, when are we doing this? And so it was, it was, you know, it was pretty cool seeing how many people just came in and out and how she just kind of felt like she knew what she was doing, even up in the last days. So.
Laura Dugger: (45:00 - 45:55)
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Well, James, your perspective is incredible. And yet I'm so sorry, such a deep loss for your whole family.
And what is life like now for all of your family these days? Cause it's still very recent. And I'm wondering if grief still comes up at unexpected times.
James Jetton: (45:56 - 50:49)
Yeah. You know, it's, you know, it's a day-to-day thing, I believe. I don't, and grief is certainly something that sometimes you don't see it coming.
And I'll say, I love bragging on this community. I love bragging on this town so much. So, my kids, they're all in school, you know, and I'm bragging on my kids too.
After she passed, the kids got to stay home for a couple of weeks, but then it was time to go back to school. My two girls go to one school where actually Kaetlin went to school from kindergarten all through. So, I felt like that was a very special thing for her and the kids could go to the same school that their mom went to.
But then Hattie goes to a different school because of her special needs. And then Ryder goes to a different school. He's in preschool.
And so, after she passed, like, so it was complicated in the sense of, I've got to get Hattie to school at 7:30. I've got to get Lincoln out of school by like 8:45 and then Ryder can go in before 9:00 a.m. So, I would usually drop him off on the way. But I say, I'd say like, what does life look like?
Well, after she passed, I knew like, how am I going to make this work? And that semester, there was somebody in my house every morning at 7:00 a.m. to sit with the kids, help with breakfast, and help finish getting them ready while I could take Hattie to school at 7:30. And then I would come back home and after they finished getting ready, then I would take them to school. So, I had someone in my house every morning at 7:00 a.m. after she passed, which was, you know, they were doing it for the kids, but they were doing it for me too. I knew that I couldn't just lay in my bed and let people just come on in and take care of my kids. Like I had to get up, take a shower, look like I'm somewhat presentable and go on. And that's kind of how that last semester was, just community and people with meals and then through all that, trying to get them engaged, get them back into doing some things that they love to do.
And yeah, I like to brag on my kids in a lot of ways, this perspective kind of dawned on me in the past couple of weeks of like, I sent them back into a new school where they know very many people. Everybody knows them. Not everyone.
I don't know everybody. And they had to go and do that a few weeks after their mom passed. Here I am trying to stay away from people and not have a whole bunch of conversations, but yet the kids are stepping up and doing their thing.
And man, it's just, it's pretty inspiring when I think of it in that respect as well. Nowadays we are blessed that we get to have a nanny and it's, that's a whole cool story in itself. And that she worked with me in student ministry, and I'd actually left to go be a nanny for some other people in Nashville.
And I was texting her trying to figure out, “Hey, I need some help. You got any friends down here that want to be a nanny? Cause it's hard to find.”
And she's like, “Actually, I would love to come back and do it.” And that was just a huge blessing. Cause it was like, at the time of us having all these new things, I was able to be able to have somebody that the kids already knew come in and be there.
And so, she helps in so many ways and allows the kids to do their tennis and their soccer and gymnastics or whatever it may be. And it allows me to get to, coach them and be a part of that, those aspects of life, which I love doing so much. And so, she's really helped.
So, in our day to day now, like it, it's a lot of moving pieces. I mean, just last week, we got to go to a widower's retreat and there was never a worry, never worry about who's taking care of the kids, that they're getting to where they need to be. So, it's a genuine, like I get to see how a village truly takes care of the kids.
And yes, there are days and it's hard. And some days it just kind of sucks and it sucks for them. It sucks for me.
But I have gotten to see how God still shows out through the difficult moments and how he still provides no matter how far away I am or how close I am. He still continually provides. And I know that, and I know that he will not let us down.
It's one day at a time. And as we approach these new seasons, there's always new seasons. You talk about grief and things pop up.
I think that holidays will bring up stuff they already have in some respects and my wife, you know, she was a medical professional. So, when kids get sick, it's different now. We go to the doctor more often because mom's not here to take care of them and call in medicine.
But I think that we do sense a void in that when kids are sick and that sort of thing. But, today, like things are okay. We're doing all right.
Laura Dugger: (50:50 - 51:07)
Well, and James, you were a journalism major and you're a very gifted writer. So where would you direct us to get to read more about your family and stay current and hopefully find ways that we can further support you?
James Jetton: (51:08 - 52:18)
Well, my wife and I, we started a blog called Our Hands Go Up, and it's OurHandsGoUp.com. And that's formed out of, started with Hattie. That's where the blog started because Hattie, we talked about that joy that she has, but our hands will always go up.
Like her hands go up all the time and it just seems so appropriate. And the picture of hands going up, there's so many things that go to that with our praise to God, our vulnerability and our sides. And there's just a lot that comes through that anyway.
But yeah, Kaetlin started writing on that and I wrote some in that. She spearheaded it because she's way more organized and detailed than I am. So, it looks a lot prettier than what I would have done, but here recently, like I've felt a calling to bring it back and revitalize it.
So as of right now, like there's, my wife wrote a lot, and she still has writings that she never shared with anybody. So, I've started revitalizing it by sharing some of her writings, but I will be writing in there as well. So that would probably be a good place or even, and then my, just my social media, James Jetton, you can always see some crazy stories of my kids.
Laura Dugger: (52:21 - 52:34)
Oh, wonderful. We will link to both of those in our show notes. And are there any practical needs that you do have at this time or any specific prayer requests you would like to share with us?
James Jetton: (52:35 - 53:26)
You know, I think the specific prayer requests are just for me and for my kids. So, things are going to look different for them for sure. And I know there's going to be some hard moments.
So, I guess the prayer would just be, you know, provision as God's always provided. And, you know, when I say that, I don't just talk about it in like a material way, but like He seems to provide us with feelings, emotions, people, support, all of that. And so just provision for my kids and just encouragement and support for them as we've kind of walked through these, these new firsts for the kids and, and that it will just, they will still have, find the joy that we always talk about choosing and, and that my wife did so well that we will continue to find that joy through these more difficult days ahead for sure.
Laura Dugger: (53:26 - 53:58)
Yes, Lord may it be so. Well, James, you clearly just have so much wisdom to share and I appreciate you walking through so much of your personal journey. And I know that you also do have a lighthearted personality and we're going to end on a lighter note because you may know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because Savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge.
And so, as my final question for you today, what is your Savvy Sauce?
James Jetton: (54:01 - 54:51)
You know, my Savvy Sauce, it's just, it's one day at a time. I think that we get overwhelmed with, you know, I joke with people, like it's a stupid joke. But hey, if God wanted to give us more than one day at a time, He would. So, we only get one day, and He doesn't give us two days at one time.
You know, just taking things as they come one day at a time. We all have our goals. We all have our plans, our dreams and aspirations, but leaving space for the Holy Spirit and how God moves is critical.
And when you're walking through grief and you're walking through hard stuff, like thinking about too much out there in front of you can be debilitating. And so just focus on what your next step, just take one more step. We can always take one more step.
And so just kind of day at a time and just take one more step.
Laura Dugger: (54:52 - 55:08)
James, thank you for your faithfulness to Kaet, your faithfulness to our Lord, your faithfulness to your children. And we will all be praying for each of you in this coming season and beyond. And just really grateful for you being my guest today.
James Jetton: (55:09 - 55:26)
Well, I'm really grateful to be here. This is great. I'm thankful for the chance to just share her story and share our story.
I feel God has just moved and worked through us in so many amazing ways. And anytime I can get a chance to share how God has moved and worked, I'm thankful. So, thank you for having me.
Laura Dugger: (55:26 - 58:42)
It's been an honor. One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So, would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So, you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Apr 07, 2025
Monday Apr 07, 2025
259. God Speaks to His Kids . . . Here's How with Chris Allen
**Transcription Below**
“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.” John 10:27 NIV
Questions and Topics We Discuss:
- How can we actually disciple our children to listen to God and recognize when they are hearing from the Holy Spirit as well?
- You've stated, "If you want to hear him, cultivate wonder." Will you elaborate?
- What are some follow up questions we can ask our kids to actually put this into practice?
Chris Allen is married to Rachael and they have three kids. Chris has a masters degree in spiritual formation from Richmont Graduate University and he is a trained spiritual director. Previously Chris was a pastor in full time ministry for many years, but he is also a technology entrepreneur and is currently working in the technology group at Chick-fil-A.
Other Episode Mentioned from The Savvy Sauce:
231 Stories Series: Faith Building Miracles with Dave Pridemore
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Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:09)
Laura Dugger: (0:10 - 1:36)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
The principles of honesty and integrity that Sam Leman founded his business on continue today, over 55 years later, at Sam Leman Chevrolet Eureka.
Owned and operated by the Birchie family, Sam Leman and Eureka appreciates the support they've received from their customers all over Central Illinois and beyond. Visit them today at samlemanchevy.com.
Chris Allen is my guest today.
He has a master's degree in spiritual formation from Richmond Graduate University, and he's also a trained spiritual director. Previously, Chris was in full-time ministry as a pastor for many years, but he's also a technology entrepreneur, and currently he's working in the technology group at Chick-fil-A. Chris and my husband, Mark, actually go way back, so I've also invited Mark to come along with me today to interview Chris as we ask him more about cultivating wonder in our children and helping them to understand how to hear from God so that they can enjoy a conversational relationship with the Lord.
Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Mark, and Chris.
Mark Dugger: (1:38 - 1:39)
Hey, thanks. Great to be here.
Chris Allen: (1:39 – 1:41)
Yeah, it's great to be here.
Laura Dugger: (1:42 - 1:48)
Well, I just want to start off and have both of you just take us back to how you two initially met.
Chris Allen: (1:49 - 2:20)
Oh, gosh, that's dangerous, Laura. Are you sure you want to do that? Well, Mark and I met in, I think it was fourth grade. But I've kind of known for not having the best memory, so I could have that off.
Maybe Mark will correct me, but yeah, starting somewhere in maybe sixth grade, we started kind of being pretty close and spent a lot, a lot of years together through middle school and high school and into adulthood, so it's been a while. Yeah, Mark?
Mark Dugger: (2:20 - 2:32)
I'm pretty sure we were in the nursery together at church growing up, so clearly you meant more to me than I meant to you. I think is what it's coming down to, but that's okay.
Chris Allen: (2:33 - 2:38)
I know that's been a theme in our relationship, but you are very important to me, Mark.
Mark Dugger: (2:39 - 2:58)
No, I just remember a mutual friend of ours moved away, and I think that was the catalyst for us starting to hang out. You lived right behind him. I would go to his house all the time, and then when he moved away, that was kind of the catalyst for us to start hanging out, and then I feel like we were pretty much inseparable from then on.
Chris Allen: (2:59 - 3:07)
See, it's always good to have at least someone who remembers, but I do know that you're important to me today.
Mark Dugger: (3:08 - 3:10)
Well, thank you, Chris.
Laura Dugger: (3:11 - 3:34)
Well, and it's been awesome just to hear the stories of growing up together and being close through all the years, but you guys also had so many unique opportunities. As I hear how both of you had a faith at a reasonably young age, so I'd love to hear from both of you, what were some of your experiences through those formative years that grew your faith?
Chris Allen: (3:39 - 5:27)
Yeah. Looking back on those years is kind of interesting for me. I became captivated by Jesus around the age of 13, and it really kind of consumed my time, at least mostly, and not because I needed to or had to.
It was I wanted to. In our church community, mostly our youth group, just kind of became honestly where I spent most of my time. Mark and I kind of experienced that together. So, I think we had a lot of time there.
We had a really tight-knit community. And then the other big thing was pretty early, we both kind of got invited into participating in God's work in different ways. We would lead things at our youth group.
We started leading things. Other youth groups started having us come in, and we had a worship band, and we would facilitate study and some teaching. But looking back at that, I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't believe they let me lead anything.
And so, it really, for me, illuminates how God has chosen to work in our lives. He invites us to participate in His kingdom. There is no qualification for that.
It's just as we are. And then He uses our participation not only to create fruit, like others are impacted by it, but He also shapes us in the process. And so, I think that's always true.
It's true today of all of us, but I can see it a little bit more clearly when I look back at that season. Yeah.
Mark Dugger: (5:29 - 6:20)
Well, Chris, you glossed over the fact about talking about the praise band that we were part of and how I was really the core being the manager, aka sound manager. It was awful. I was literally there with no musical inclination whatsoever, and I was only there by association because you guys were awesome musicians, leading worship in incredible ways.
And I was the tagalong who we would do sound checks, and you would be like, “hey, Mark, can you turn up the left monitor? No, no, no, no, not that one. The other monitor. No, wait, no. You know what? I'm just going to come back and just do it for you.”
And so really, I was the glue that held everyone together. You didn't really talk about that part.
Chris Allen: (6:21 - 6:51)
Yeah. I'm so glad you brought it up, Mark. Yeah, there was a lot of trips running from the stage to the soundboard to do the thing I was trying to get Mark to do.
But no, Mark, you were incredibly supportive in those years. All that was accurate, except for the amazing musician part. We maybe could say that about him, but for me, I think I knew just enough to maybe get through the song.
Mark Dugger: (6:52 - 8:45)
Well, I was going to say, in all seriousness, there was one particular retreat I remember specifically, and you let me do the closing message at the very end, and it was going to be on the Prodigal Son. And I remember being like, this is one of those cool experiences that's still surreal to me that came in. I felt like I was kind of the closing deal. And so, I remember there being a lot of pride involved in that.
And I remember hearing about the Prodigal Son and knowing that story really well. And I came in just thinking, all right, I'm just going to just bring it and it's going to be amazing. And all of these kids are going to come and know the Lord.
And I remember even in my arrogance and pride, God still shined through. And I remember getting off that stage when I was about to walk off. I remember just, I even like forgot my words at one point and walked off the stage.
And it was absolutely, I felt embarrassed, and I felt like I had just failed God through my pride and arrogance. And then all of a sudden, you came in and kind of rescued this amazing moment and really closed out that message. And I'll just never forget how shaping that was for me, that seeing even in spite of arrogance and pride and fault and sin of my own, that God can still use those things for His good.
And I just remember that being such a shaping moment for me. And really just, I think it further grew our friendship just to see, you just kind of pick me up in that way and answer God's call and have the courage just to kind of lead through it there. So, I just remember that being just a profound moment in my faith and growth.
Chris Allen: (8:47 - 9:01)
Yeah. Well, that's a great example of just the kinds of things we got to experience at that age. And I think it was really formative for both of us to get to do that in middle school and high school years.
Laura Dugger: (9:03 - 9:28)
And I've just gotten to know this over the years, hearing all of these stories of the two of you and Adam Johnson, who was part of the band. And it's incredible to be so close in friendship still, all three of you, and now they're awesome wives. And so, switching gears though, from the past now, Chris, can you catch us up on your current life stage with your family as well?
Chris Allen: (9:29 - 10:34)
Well, the biggest news is we just got a new pup. I don't know if you can hear him barking in the background, but Walt is our newest member. He's a little Shih poos.
So, he is a fluffy monster, which is wonderful when you're petting him, not so great when you have to pay for the grooming. But it's actually, it's been really good. We've talked about getting a dog for a lot of years, and our kids are just at the perfect season to soak it up.
So, we have three kids, 11, 9, and 6 (Ryan, Ramsey and Harvey) and my wife, Rachel. We are coming up on 16 years of marriage here this fall. So yeah, that's the season we're in.
We're having a lot of fun. It's like, you know, people keep telling me like, you're in the golden years. And I feel like we're actually experiencing it and enjoying it for the most part.
Of course, there's always, always the things. But yes, that's where we are.
Mark Dugger: (10:35 - 11:23)
So, I want to go back here recently. We were on a drive down to Atlanta, and our kids love their phone conversations with Uncle Chris on the way down. And I just remember one specific instance where we were talking to you and asking you about this experience you had to, you were asked to lead a retreat for Ryan's school.
And we were just blown away by what you were learning, what you were experiencing, and then especially how you talked about growing in faith and really building a life of relationship with God and your kids. So, do you mind kind of just sharing us a little synopsis of that talk and what that looked like?
Chris Allen: (11:25 - 19:12)
Yes, I'd be happy to. But first, I feel like the audience should know that most of my calls with your girls in the van are Uncle Chris trying to sell them a pizza or order a pizza with random things on it or making up like random songs or being a random character. So, it's mostly joking conversation.
And I'm not actually their uncle. We've just given me that title because we're close. But yeah, that's most of our conversations.
But yeah, I got invited to be the speaker at the fifth-grade retreat for my son's class. So, it was like a three-day retreat for their grade at his school. And as I was wrestling with like, okay, well, what, you know, what am I going to share?
I don't do that sort of thing that often. So, I'm usually excited when I get the opportunity to, but was just kind of sorting out, all right, what, like, God, what do you want to share with them? And this thought, actually, I should say, this was planned way in advance, and like, like, six to eight months in advance.
And it was kind of like in the back of my mind for a lot of months. And I had nothing like I had no clarity about what I was gonna talk about. And of course, you know, as you get closer and closer, you know, it starts to like, be a little bit more on your mind.
But I kept coming back to this thought of like, no, like, you know, God will bring clarity when he's ready. And trying to hold on to that thought. And then as we got like two weeks out, this thought just came, it was like, what if they began a conversational life with God at fifth grade?
Like, I've been working on this project that's kind of about how to help adults develop a conversational life with God. And before this moment, like I had not put these two opportunities together. But once that thought came, like, it just lit me up.
Because obviously, I have three kids that are kind of in that stage. And, you know, we're constantly pursuing them spiritually and trying to help them explore who God is. But that's not necessarily easy.
And obviously, trying to help them develop their own life with God, which is not easy, you know, they're kids, and they see things differently. And so for me, it was like, wow, what if they started now? You know, for adults, I think it's really hard.
Like prayer can mean a lot of things. I think most adults feel like prayer or conversation with God is somewhat hard. It's something they struggle with, typically something they want more of, but maybe don't feel super successful in.
So, the thought was, you know if you start in fifth grade, what would that change? Um, so I kind of went on a journey of trying to think about how could I help them? How could I help them explore this?
How could I help them start a conversational life with God? And that that kind of ended up being, you know, what the series of talks that I gave throughout the retreat were. So, my second thing was around like, if you want to hear him, you've got to cultivate wonder, which I'll come back to in just a second.
And then my third thing is, was teaching them to pay attention to their thought life, which we can dive into more. But the wonder piece, it may not be obvious, like why wonder, you know, why is that important? Um, so let me just speak to that for a second.
So, uh, the way I like to think about wonder is if you've ever been snorkeling in like the ocean, ideally in really clear water, uh, there's this moment, like, right. So, like you go out on a boat, you get to the spot where you're going to snorkel, you've got all your gear, you get in the water. And there's this moment where you're, you're about to go underwater, but before you do your head's still above the water, right.
And in this moment, you're like so close to beginning to see this whole new world that's underneath the water. Uh, but for this moment, your eyeline is above the water and you're really like, that's all you see. Like you really, you really can't, like, if you look down, you just see kind of like this fuzzy picture, right.
This distorted kind of water picture. Uh, but you can see for miles and miles across the top of the water, you see the sky, like there's so much above the water that you can see. Right.
And then you put your goggles on, and you drop your head down like six inches. And all of a sudden there's this whole other world, uh, that you really didn't have access to before that moment, right. You couldn't really see what was going on down there until you put your head under the water.
Uh, but then all of a sudden you start to see, you know, depths of the ocean. Uh, you know, reefs, all these, you know, different colors, all these different fish, wildlife, you know. Um, and then the same is kind of true when you're underwater. Like if you go underwater and look up, you can like see a vague color of the sky, but it's kind of all distorted.
So, I like this analogy because it kind of, it's like you almost have like two totally separate kingdoms, right? Like the underwater world and the above water world, they are right next to each other. There is this point at which they touch, but they operate so differently.
Like, you know, everything underwater is different, right? You can't breathe, like oxygen is different. Uh, you know, uh, the way you move is different.
You got to swim, you can't walk. Like the way things work underwater is different than how they work out of water. And I think the kingdom of God in the kingdom of earth is kind of similar.
Like there is a threshold at which they touch, but they, they operate so differently. Like the kingdom of God is just different. It's different than what we know in the kingdom of earth.
So essentially, uh, I kind of see like all of life is us, you know, trying to, or working towards participating with God in the kingdom. His kingdom, uh, while we are operating here on earth and the kingdom of earth. Um, and so wonder for me is, is like the goggles, uh, that help us move back and forth between kingdom of earth and kingdom of God. Uh, like when you put the goggles on, you know, you can, you can open your eyes underwater depending on the water, uh, but you can see so much better with, with goggles.
And so, um, wonder for me is like, is the vehicle that helps me move towards the kingdom of God. So, um, I'll, I'll, I'll share more about kind of like how I talked with the kids about that, but God speaks to his kids. If you want to hear them cultivate wonder.
And then lastly, pay attention to your thoughts. Uh, so that's, that's kind of what we talked about.
Laura Dugger: (19:14 - 21:09)
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Well, and I love all of those. So let's just slow it down and kind of go through all three, beginning with that first statement that you make that God speaks to his kids.
And from previous conversations, I know that Mark and I agree with you on that, but not everybody does. Even those who are in the faith community may not agree that God is still speaking to his children. And so, what would you say is the basis for your belief on that?
Chris Allen: (21:11 - 23:18)
Yeah, that's a big question. Well, you know, I think, I think it's pretty clear in scripture. Like, you know, we have in John 10 where he says, “I'm the good shepherd.
I know my sheep and my sheep will know, they'll know my voice. They listen to me.” Like, and if you read that section, it's not only that, like, he speaks, it's that like, it almost sounds like it's easy.
Like the sheep don't have to work to know who their master is like, or the shepherd is like, they know his voice. you know, like when the shepherd calls, the sheep can instantly know if it's his voice or not. you know, quick, funny story. I wasn't planning on telling you, but my wife is an identical twin. And when we first started dating her and her twin shared a phone, a cell phone.
So we're in college, we start dating. I would call my girlfriend, not knowing if she was going to answer the phone or if her sister was going to answer the phone. And I had to know, just based on the tone of their voice, which one it was could get in big trouble if I get this wrong.
Right. So, you know, I learned, I learned her voice. Right.
And the same is true, obviously, with like our kids, like they can tell the difference between your voice and some other parents voice. Right. Did you always get it right?
Did I always get it right? There was a few times where it was a little hard. Usually a lot of times, like there was context clues, you know, like just by the way they would talk to me, but sometimes like Rebecca would answer and just say like, “Hey, and you know.” it's like, that's all I got to work with is a “Hey, you know”?
And, you know, I wasn't quite sure for a moment. So, I would ask a question to get more talking going, and then I would figure out who this was. So, yeah.
Mark Dugger: (23:19 - 23:21)
That's good. Sorry, I derailed you there.
Laura Dugger: (23:22 - 23:44)
I'll bring us back because I think that's so profound, even how you said context clues. So, I'll bring it back. You were talking first, John 10:14.
“I am the good shepherd. I know my sheep and my sheep know me”. And then also a few verses later in 27, where he says, “my sheep listen to my voice. I know them and they follow me.”
Chris Allen: (23:47 - 25:06)
Yeah, I think. And then I think also like Jesus modeled this throughout his whole life. Like we would, you know, I and the Father are one, He would often retreat for time with the Father.
He seemed very clear on what the Father was saying. I mean, I realized there's a divinity gap between looking at how Jesus operated and maybe how we are. But then He also says, “like, it's better for Me to leave because I'm going to send my Helper, the Holy Spirit.”
And I think we see in that language, an even more intimate relationship. Like Jesus is in, like God is in us, you know? So, I don't think like when I study scripture, I don't think God intended for it to be hard for us to hear Him.
Which is why, you know, I'm interested in this topic. And as a lot of people that I interact, do struggle with that, and I struggle with that in my own life. I don't want to just accept that, you know?
So that's kind of what motivates me in this topic. It gets me excited to talk about it.
Mark Dugger: (25:09 - 25:12)
That's cool. You have something else you wanted to say?
Chris Allen: (25:13 - 31:40)
Well, I was kind of going back to the retreat. So, I think, you know, one of the biggest hurdles when I was in with the kids, as well as I think with us, even as adults, is first just acknowledging that we don't notice everything. Like there's things happening around us that we just simply don't notice.
If you're like me, like I feel like I'm fairly observant. And I do notice a lot of things. And I typically kind of feel like I'm right about things, you know, or I feel like my take is kind of on point.
It can be hard to admit this, but the reality is like there's so much happening around us that we actually don't notice. So, when I was talking to the kids, this was like the first thing that I tried to establish. So, I had this opening slide that said, if you're reading this, put your finger on your nose.
And so, as I come up to talk, I mean, I'm just introducing myself for the first time. Hey, everyone, I'm so glad to be here. My name is Chris. Mr. Chris, you know, and I'm starting to talk to them, you know, leading into our time together. The whole time behind me is this slide. If you're reading this, put your finger on your nose. And so, as I'm talking, you know, certain kids started putting their finger on their nose, but as I went on for like five or 10 minutes, right.
And in the end, you know, maybe a third of them had their finger on their nose. And so, I was like, you know, the first thing I want to establish with us together is an idea that there's things happening around you that you do not notice. And to convince you that that is true.
I want you to look around and notice your friends who have their finger on their nose. And the reason is because of the slide behind me that you haven't noticed yet. Right.
And so, it was a really fun way just to help them go like, oh, interesting. I guess I don't notice everything. And then we kind of moved to this idea of taking on a posture of curiosity.
And so, I was like, I want you to imagine that we or I was like, does anybody know a name of a famous detective? You know, they're shouting out names and stuff. So, we landed on Sherlock Holmes.
OK, well, Sherlock Holmes was here in the room with us, and he was trying to solve a mystery. What do you think he would do? And, you know, hands start going up.
He'd look for clues. Like, yeah, that's right. He'd look around.
You know, he's trying to figure out clues to solve the mystery. Right. And so, cultivating this posture of curiosity of like, OK, if things are happening around me that I don't notice.
And I want to notice them, like, what would that look like? I've got to start getting curious about my life, about the things that are already in it. And why are they there?
And so that's really kind of at the root of this idea of cultivating wonder is looking at your life and the things that are already in it and wondering about them. I'll give you an example. Our oldest, Ryan, is going into middle school, a transition which there's been a little bit of energy about in our house.
But near the end of fifth grade, Ryan was a little bit unsure what school he wanted to go to. He wasn't sure if he wanted the school that they are in which goes K through 12. So, he had the option of staying there.
But he also had the option of potentially moving to a different school. And he had some friends that are going to move. And that was kind of a catalyst for a lot of the conversation.
So, for a lot of that time, you know, just to be transparent, there was a lot of worry and anxiety as we were trying to discern, like, which school should he go to? And, you know, you've got layers that you've got my take on, you've got Rachel's take on it, you've got Ryan's take on it, right? And all of course, his parents, like, you know, we don't want to just make a call and force him, you know. We really want him to be bought in.
And at the same time, we have a sense of what we think. And so for a while, we were just kind of doing what I call wandering. Wwe were just wandering around within this topic, like, you know, Rachel would feel anxious about certain things, I would feel certain things, you know, Ryan's feeling certain things. And we're just kind of ping ponging around, wandering around.
And then one day, it finally started to shift towards wonder for me. And it was just like, you know, I wonder what God is up to in Ryan's life. Like, I wonder what God has in mind for Ryan, as he's moving into middle school.
I wonder which environment might be best for him, you know, to shape him in this next season. And instead of like latching on to the pieces that we're maybe concerned about and obsessing about those or thinking about those, just moving towards wonder, even though it doesn't solve anything, it doesn't change anything, like the situation is still the same. But it begins to change how I hold that thing.
And before I know it, I am interacting with my Father God about this thing that I was just worried about. And so, it's like this transformation of taking the, because here's the thing, this thing is already happening in my life. I'm already spending energy on it.
Like, why not let it be the catalyst for how I'm going to interact with God? And so cultivating wonder, curiosity, why is this happening? What is God up to?
As I mentioned already, for me, it's kind of been the gateway for me to put on goggles and to begin to see more of why things might be happening. Or what God's up to and just hold them differently than I was previously.
Mark Dugger: (31:40 - 31:55)
So, I love this topic and thinking about it. How can we then disciple our children to listen to God and know for themselves, like, and recognize when they're actually hearing from the Holy Spirit?
Chris Allen: (31:56 - 39:42)
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I think, I don't think there's a perfect formula.
I think it's something we just cultivate. Some of that's going to depend on the individual. I think each child's going to be a little bit different, but I think this idea of starting to notice things is a key one and just helping them think about or acknowledge that they're not going to see everything.
Another little tool that I use with the students was those magic eye things. I don't know if you remember this from our childhood, but they had books and posters with these pictures of, like, when you look at it from a distance, it's just like a lot of little random things or like a confusing drawing at most. But if you look at it a certain way, right, you start to see this picture within the picture.
Right. And so, we used that. It was awesome.
We had like a contest to see who could see it first and they got prizes and stuff. But you know, it's basically like we have to fix our eyes. Right.
We have to learn how to see the unseen, essentially, in the same way. I mean, those posters are actually a little tricky for a lot of people. Like if you don't see it, you don't see it.
Like, you know, you have to learn a certain like once you get the hang of it and you position yourself in relationship to it just right. Right. You can start to see like the horse or whatever jump off the page.
But, you know, learning to see what is unseen is not easy. But here's the really, really cool part that I think is really important for kids. It's like God made them for this.
And, you know, not just kids like us to like God made us for this. Your mind is already doing the things that is needed for this. And so, at the retreat to help them like understand what I mean by this, I basically wanted to show them all the things that they already know that they never learned.
And you may not know what I mean by that, but basically we played this game where I had all these logos from different famous brands. But I intentionally chose brands that were like adult brands, like insurance, Allstate, you know, State Farm. And so, we had their slogans or their logos in some cases, and they had to guess what it was.
They knew them all. And it's like, you know, I would make jokes, of course, in between they get off. They got Allstate.
And I'm like, I would go up to the kids who guessed it right. I'd be like, so tell me, do you have auto insurance with Allstate? Or is it home insurance?
What is what's your coverage amount? You know, what is your policy like? Just to drive home the point, it's like, you know, they're not a customer.
There's no reason they should know who Allstate is. But they are watching TV, they're driving around, they're doing different things in life. And of course, they have absorbed, their mind has learned what Allstate is without them even trying, right.
And so, your mind is doing a lot of this work already. It's already noticing everything around you. It's already learning and processing all this information.
Dallas Willard talks about kind of the role of the mind. A lot of times, we think of the mind as a generator of thoughts. And this is a pretty big position or adjustment that I think is important.
But instead of viewing the mind as a generator of thoughts, viewing it more as a processor of thoughts. Because reality is like, you didn't make up Allstate, you didn't make up the brand, the kid didn't make up the brand. You just processed it, you know, and that's what your mind is doing with most information.
And so when we start to view the mind as a processor, you now have a category for okay, there's all these other things that are basically submitting things to our minds. And you know, that's all the things we've been talking about, right? That's billboards, that's TV, that's us, like we're submitting thoughts to our kids' minds.
But you know, everything they read, everything they look, everything around them is constantly submitting thoughts to their minds. And their mind is just processing away. But it does it all automatically, like that's what the mind was made for.
So, for me, the kind of good news in all this, even though I think some of these thoughts can sound kind of foreign, or maybe hard to go figure out, it really is how we were designed. Like it's, you know, God designed our minds to interact with him. He designed our minds to be able to recognize thoughts that are coming from him.
So, when we shift the mind to a processor, really, that point is just about learning to notice those thoughts, okay, as they come in, right? And as you start to notice them, you can notice, you know, kind of the nature of them or the characteristic of them. And God, the thoughts that God might be presenting to your mind versus the thoughts that other sources might be presenting to your mind, over time starts to become clearer and clearer and clearer.
So maybe just like a practical example would be that, like, sometimes when we're processing things with our kids, if they're feeling a certain way, I might ask them, like, hey, what are you thinking about this? Or what's the most, like, what's the last thought you had about this? And it's like, oh, I'm worried, you know, I was thinking about, you know, my buddy, how he won't like this thing, you know. And it's like, oh, okay, that's why you don't want to go, you know, to that place, because your buddy doesn't like it. You know, it's like, but oftentimes, I will go to the, I'll go to thoughts, and ask them about their thoughts, what's the most recent thought to understand what emotions might be happening now. But I think even just talking about thoughts as a thing, right?
Like, what thought did you have, is really helpful to start, because a lot of times, I think the default is we kind of like assume we are our thoughts, we are one with our thoughts. And this can get really dangerous. I think, especially for young men, but really for all of us, because we have a lot of thoughts that are not honoring to God or to each other, right?
And so, if those are me, then that says a lot about who I am, right? So separating ourselves from our thoughts, positioning the mind as the processor of thoughts, not only gives room for the idea that God is presenting thoughts to our minds, but it also gives room for the idea that the enemy or the world or these other things are presenting thoughts to our minds. So just because we might have that thought doesn't mean it's us, which is a big thing as well.
Laura Dugger: (39:43 - 40:52)
I love that because, okay, so going back to that first point, so God speaks to His children, and I think it's helpful for me just to have that articulated. That has been my experience, that one of the ways God speaks to me is through my thoughts, and so sharing that with our children as well. And something, when I'm verbally processing then later, if I'm wondering and I'm questioning, where did this thought come from?
Where did this originate? Mark's question to me will always be, whose voice is that? And I think it's another way of what you're saying, because it could be culture, it could be God, it could be the enemy's voice, and that it is through our thoughts.
But then if we are now, you've recommended also thinking about what our thoughts are. So, thinking about our thinking and pursuing that listening stance. So that kind of leads into the next point where you share that you say, if you want to hear Him, cultivate wonder.
So, can you just elaborate on that?
Chris Allen: (40:55 - 45:09)
Yes. So well, let me also mention, so I mentioned Dallas Willard, he has like a quote that I really love around this. And I'll just go ahead and say it for those that might be thinking it, like, did you really present all this to kids?
Yes, I did. I wrestled so much going into this with like, this is too much, like it's too deep, it's too much content. I almost changed a lot of the talk, like literally like five minutes before it.
But I kind of landed on this, you know what, and there was a lot of adults in the room, it wasn't aimed at them, but it was just like, my job is to just throw it out there. And like, if one kid just grabs onto something, you know, so yes, I did. I did give this to kids, but I realized it's a lot.
So, but Willard says, he says, generally, it is much more important to cultivate the quiet inward space of a constant listening than to always be approaching God for specific direction. And he goes on to say, in the still small voice of God, we are given a message that bears the stamp of his personality quite clearly. And in a way, we will learn to recognize it.
How the message comes, this is kind of the biggest part right here: how the message comes is diminished almost to the vanishing point, taking the form of thoughts that are our thoughts, though these thoughts are not from us. And so, when I first read this, it was like, oh my gosh, like, I think I've experienced that. But he is putting words to something I, you know, maybe hadn't fully acknowledged that like, this, this is God speaking to me, you know. So, I think a lot of times we, we write off our thoughts as just like, oh, it's just my lunch, you know, or whatever. But I, I really believe, and Willard, you know, believes that one of the primary ways that God speaks to his people, and when we say children, I don't mean children in this case, not like the age of someone, but anyone, um, any person, like, this is a, at least a huge part of how God speaks to them is, is through their thought life.
And so, for me, like, as I, as I've started to walk in this, and, um, take, pay more attention to my thoughts, and then actually, like, hold them like, okay, well, what if this was God speaking? You know, it's, it's changed my personal interaction with God, um, for sure. So, I think for most people, if you're not already practicing this, it can feel inaccessible.
It can feel hard. It's like, oh my gosh, like, are you telling me that I have, like, I have to change everything. Like, I have to start recognizing all my, like, if you're not already doing that, um, and I think that's where cultivate wonder comes in. Is moving towards just a posture of curiosity, moving towards a posture of wonder, of, um, when you start to notice a thought, like, just hold it out there.
It's like, oh, that's interesting. I just had that thought. Hmm.
And you just think about it. You just wonder about it, right? You don't really have to do anything.
Like in the beginning of this, you don't have to do anything with it. Like, just look at it, hold it, name it, and just wonder about it. Like, I think that is the first step.
And so, I think there's little ways we can help our kids with that, right? Just as we're helping them process things, as we're talking through things, um, we can call out what we think we hear them say, you know, and just say, Hey, it sounds like you had this thought. Is that right?
You know? Um, and just the way we, you know, they can pick things up quickly. So, the way that we teach them to process what they're thinking about, um, is a huge gift to them.
If we can help them name their thoughts and hold them out.
Laura Dugger: (45:09 - 47:07)
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Well, and just want to speak to some of this as well. So, when you were sharing about children, meaning more than actual age children, I was thinking back.
Our oldest daughter, Selah was baptized a couple of years ago and a scripture that was really meaningful to her in that process as she was writing out her testimony and just pondering the work that God had done in her life. She really was impacted by a verse I'd love to read because that's another sure way that God does speak to us is through the word of God. So, the Bible, that's always a way that we can hear from Him.
But this verse is John 8:47, and it says, “Whoever belongs to God hears what God says. The reason you do not hear is that you do not belong to God.”
Chris Allen: (47:07 - 50:09)
Well, I think the emphasis that I would point out on that is that it's not that God is not speaking.
It's the reason you don't hear. So, I believe God's pursuing people even that aren't following Him. And even in our case, I think God pursues us even in our disobedience.
But what shifts is our ability to hear. And so, it's like we're tuning in, and that invitation exists for, I think, for all people. It's the opportunity to just tune in more to what God is up to, what He's saying, just by looking at what He's already doing in your life, what's already happening.
Just look around, pay attention, start to notice, start to name it. And like I was saying, if this feels overwhelming, which I think it definitely can, the beautiful thing is we were made for this. Our mind was made to work this way.
It's how God designed it. And one of the final ways that I pushed this across the finish line with the kids was the final logo that I had was Nike. And of course, not only did every kid in the room know the answer to what the brand was, half of them were wearing it.
But if you look back in your life, and this is what I had them do. It's like there's some moment in your life where you were not aware of Nike. You probably were already wearing it, the toddler walking around in it or something. It's all around you.
It's everywhere. Everybody else is wearing it too. You've seen tons of ads and advertisements.
It's everywhere. Yet there was some moment where you didn't know what it was. If you saw the logo, you'd be like, I don't know what that is.
And then at some point you cross this threshold where it's like all of a sudden you learn like, oh, that's Nike. And so, if you could pinpoint that moment in a kid's life, it's like in that moment, you go from like, I don't know, to like, Nike. Well, Nike didn't all of a sudden exist in that moment.
It was no more present than it was before. It was always around you. It was always active.
It was always everywhere. The only thing that changed in that moment is you became aware of it. And that's how I like to think about like what God is up to in our lives.
He is active. He's all over it. He is in your every day and every situation that we're in.
And He is inviting us to participate with Him, to notice Him, to talk with Him about it and to interact with Him through those things. But we just have to become aware of Him. And for me, I think wonder is the thing that helps me shift in that direction, just cultivating wonder.
Mark Dugger: (50:11 - 50:31)
That's awesome. So you talked about with your kids, asking them and follow up questions about their thoughts. But is there any other practical ways you think about bringing this to life with our kids to help them kind of shape some of this line of thinking?
Chris Allen: (50:34 - 52:38)
Yeah, that's a great question. I mean, the other kind of analogy that I've used with my kids as well is where's Waldo? So, my spiritual director, Jeannie Hoover, who's amazing, who lives in Illinois as well, she actually was the one who used this analogy in our conversations first.
But you know, where's Waldo's fun? You get the book or the posters and you're looking for Waldo, right? But you have no chance of finding him.
First, you can't find Waldo unless one, you believe he exists. Two, you know what he looks like. And three, you look for him.
And so that's kind of the starting point. I think an easy starting point with kids, plus you can use the Waldo book and they love it. But they have to believe God exists.
They have to know what He looks like, and they got to start looking for Him. Obviously, we can play a very tangible role in helping them kind of learn what He looks like and helping them look for Him. I think one easy way is like, you know, some kind of daily routine, as maybe you're putting them to bed or debriefing the day.
Or you might ask a simple question like, you know, did you notice God anywhere today? Or was there anything that happened in your life today, you know, where you noticed God? Or you can also go, I think a lot of times we can find Him in the things that we're struggling with.
So, is there anything that happened today that hurt you or didn't sit well with you? But as you help them process that, right, you're kind of looking for where is God in the story? What is he up to?
And helping them connect those dots.
Mark Dugger: (52:40 - 52:41)
Oh, go ahead.
Laura Dugger: (52:41 - 52:44)
Oh, you go first. I wonder if we're on the same thought.
Mark Dugger: (52:44 - 54:00)
I was thinking, I was recently, this is helpful for me personally, but I was recently frustrated about a day or something that happened recently. And I was just, you know, going through the iterations of why this thing caused me frustration. And, you know, it caused me to take out frustration on others that were around me and impacted others.
And then my friend was just casually kind of listening to me and just said, what do you think God's calling you to do in the midst of this? And it was just such a simple yet profound question that I hadn't even considered. Like I wasn't even thinking about God being active and involved in this frustration that was going on in my life because I was so consumed by it.
But yet when I take that moment, I think him asking that question to me, helped me step back out kind of that 10,000 foot view and just say, huh, what, where is God right now in this process? And what is he potentially trying to show me in the midst of this frustration? And I think that's something that our kids can really understand too.
They can really grasp onto that concept. So, I think that's been a helpful one for me.
Laura Dugger: (54:00 - 54:58)
You're both stirring all these ideas because I also think something that Mark's started recently on a Sunday on Sabbath, he loves to go around the table with our kids. And the youngest is five, as you know, Chris, and he'll ask all of us, where did you see God at work in your life this week? And they are able from a young age to think back on their life.
And I think that God does manifest himself to them. But then whether this is a question then for children or adults or everyone, even a conversation that Mark and I have had with you and Rachel before, where when you're going back to something that's happened in the past, asking yourself of that situation, if I go back to that scene in my mind, where was Jesus within that? And that's a pretty profound experience, I would say as well.
Chris Allen: (54:59 - 56:56)
Yeah. Well, I think another something that I would encourage people to think about is this is not something that we have to figure out. That's really God's role is to teach us how to do this.
I think throughout scripture, the posture of curiosity or wonder is encouraged. Just ask, just seek, just knock. And you will find it.
The door will be open to you. And so, I don't think God asks us to figure out how to hear His voice or figure out how He speaks. I think if we come with just a posture of curiosity, which honestly, even that alone takes a little bit of work on our side, right?
But if we just cultivate some curiosity about what he's up to, my experience has been that you will start to notice. If you just focus on noticing and being curious, you will start to notice Him. I think sometimes we focus on the outcome.
We think the intimacy, like if I could hear God well, if I had a conversational life with God, I would experience intimacy with Him, right? But I think the truer thing is that a lot of the intimacy is in the learning. It's in the process.
We just show up, we just cultivate curiosity. And as God teaches us, a lot of the intimacy comes out of the teaching. Like, oh my gosh, that was God.
I just saw Him in a way I hadn't before. And so I think hopefully it takes some of the pressure off and allows us just to start to look for Him.
Mark Dugger: (56:57 - 57:13)
Yeah. This conversation, I think, has been so helpful just to begin the process of thinking about this. Is there anything else that you want to add or help this message stick or bring home deep within us?
Chris Allen: (57:16 - 58:07)
I think I would just say, if you're someone who maybe is not sure that God is speaking, I would just challenge you to pretend that He is. Just try it. Just start looking around, start noticing, and just see what happens.
In my experience, God is fully capable of making Himself known to us. If we just take a step in his direction with curiosity or wonder, He will reveal himself to you. He'll start showing you things.
And it's not constant, right? But over time, your faith will grow that He is speaking, that He does speak, and it will start to transform how you interact with Him.
Laura Dugger: (58:10 - 58:31)
I love it. And I'm going to kind of summarize. Okay, so God speaks to his kids.
We get to participate and cultivate wonder. And a practical thing was to pay attention to our thoughts. With all of this too, Chris, you've alluded to a project.
Do you want to share any more information about that?
Chris Allen: (58:31 - 59:54)
Oh, man. Yeah. So yeah, I've been working on a book for about a year and a half now with my spiritual director, Jamie, who I mentioned, really for adults about wonder.
I think we activate and use wonder a lot as kids, especially when we were kids. I think kids are better, more naturally jumping into wonder. The pool of life for adults is away from wonder.
It's towards the other side of the brain. It's towards be productive, be on time, be on task, get it done. And the more we fill our lives up with things, which as you all, like in this season that we're in, life is very busy, wonder just so easily gets squeezed out.
And so the project I've been working on is really aimed at helping adults cultivate wonder in their life again, specifically around how they interact with God, which probably no surprise at this point in the conversation. But yeah, it's so exciting. I mean, we're down the road, things are starting to solidify, and we got a good bit of work left to do, but I'm really excited about what that will be.
Laura Dugger: (59:55 - 1:00:15)
Well, then we look forward to a part two of this conversation when that's further along. We'd love to have you back, but you are already familiar that we are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so as my final question for you today, Chris, what is your Savvy Sauce?
Chris Allen: (1:00:16 - 1:00:57)
Oh man, well, I think I might be a broken record on this one. So it's probably a summary statement here, but if wonder is our goggles into the kingdom, the question is how can we put them on more? And so, my encouragement is to leverage the things that are already happening in your life to help you cultivate wonder.
And obviously that's what the book is about. So hopefully maybe I can help some people do that more in specific ways once that's out, but that would be my Savvy Sauce.
Laura Dugger: (1:00:58 - 1:01:38)
Love it. Well, I think Mark can share as well, but from the two of us, we just love you and Rachel, and Ryan, Ramsey and Harvey. And Mark and I are so grateful you have profoundly impacted us.
Just the friendship with you guys has been incredible. And also spiritually, we've learned so much from you and hopefully sharpened one another. And I appreciate the impact that the two of you have had on each other spiritually as well.
And I get to enjoy sweet fruit from your amazing and godly friendship. So, thank you for all you shared today. Thank you for your friendship.
And thank you for being our guest.
Chris Allen: (1:01:40 - 1:01:42)
You're very welcome. Thanks for having me on.
Mark Dugger: (1:01:43 - 1:03:04)
Yeah, I was just gonna say thanks. You know, friendship is pretty rare. And it's pretty remarkable just to think about all we've been through together.
But yet, Laura summarized it so well, but you've had such a profound impact on me, even in those years, you know, picking me up in high school ministry when we were doing those, those kinds of things together. And then we shared a mentor with Dave Pridemore, who's actually been a previous guest here on The Savvy Sauce. And just learning more about who we are in Christ.
And you've always been an encouragement to me. And that's just been such a blessing in my life. Just to know that there's always that constant friendship.
And no matter what goes on, no matter how, you know, being states apart, you know, sometimes we're not always talking all the time, but it's always nice to know that you, it's always the same. It's like we picked up right where we left off. And I think that's, that's deeper than just the friendship, but it's the bond that we have in Christ.
And that's, you know, you've challenged me in this way, just to think about wonder, this isn't something that comes to me naturally. And so I'm just very thankful for this conversation. And then just to be able to share some of the things that we've talked about privately, but be able to share with this audience today.
So thanks for doing that.
Chris Allen: (1:03:05 - 1:03:06)
Absolutely.
Laura Dugger: (1:03:07 - 1:06:50)
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So, would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So, you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 31, 2025
Monday Mar 31, 2025
258. Pursuing Creative Endeavors and Making Havens While Mothering with Liz Bell Young
Matthew 13:52 "Therefore every scribe who has become a disciple of the kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household, who brings out of his treasure things that are new and fresh and things that are old and familiar."
**Transcription Below**
Questions and Topics We Cover:
- Will you tell us about your journey to becoming the creator of Haven magazine, which was distributed by Anthropologie and also how you were selected to be a contributor to the Magnolia Journal?
- What have you learned about wisely overlapping mothering and pursuing dreams?
- How does writing and sharing stories help us to take good care of one another?
Liz Bell Young is a writer, experience designer and collaborator in the Midwest. Her work appears in Magnolia Journal on the shelves, Artifact Uprising and Darling on the sites, Procter & Gamble in the studios, and Woman Camp in the woods.
A grad of The School of the Art Institute of Chicago + University of Cincinnati, LBY takes a multidisciplinary approach to her work and home. Favorite pairings: words on index cards, words next to rolling film, words covering real paper inside real books. She also adores rocks, oyster shells, the smell of hay and gasoline, old Austrian boots, coffee in small cups. But above all: her life with Ryan and their children.
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Midwest Food Bank
Other Episodes on The Savvy Sauce Related to Hospitality, Mothering, and Pursuing Creative Endeavors:
1 Finding Your Purpose as a Mom with Courtney DeFeo
9 Self-Care in Motherhood with Karen Stubbs
13 Managing Family, Career, and Health with Leslie Neslage
15 The Supernatural Power Present While Gathering at the Table with Devi Titus
43 Joys and Challenges of Motherhood with Podcaster and Author, April Hoss
46 Encouragement and Inspiration for your Motherhood Journey with Anjuli Paschall
75 Responding to God’s Stirring with Elizabeth Pehrson, Founder of The Exchange
168 Experiencing Joy, Connection, and Nourishment at the Table with Abby Turner
178 Fresh Take on Hospitality with Jaime Farrell
202 Simple Ways to Connect with Our Kids And Enjoy Breaks with Beth Rosenbleeth (Days with Grey)
223 Journey and Learnings as Former Second Lady of the United States with Karen Pence
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review on Apple Podcasts, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:09)
Laura Dugger: (0:10 - 1:24)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
Thank you to an anonymous donor to Midwest Food Bank who paid the sponsorship fee in hopes of spreading awareness.
Learn more about this amazing nonprofit organization at MidwestFoodBank.org.
Liz Bell Young is my kind guest for today. She is an artist and an extremely gifted writer, and I just love the title of her book, Let There Be Havens: An Invitation to Gentle Hospitality.
So, she's going to share stories and offer practical tips for fostering creativity. She's going to talk about attuning to the Holy Spirit in our lives so that we can take good care of one another. And she also offers out-of-the-box ideas for genuine hospitality that creates a haven to offer others.
Here's our chat. Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Liz.
Liz Bell Young: (1:25 - 1:28)
Thank you, Laura. It is really good to be here with you.
Laura Dugger: (1:29 - 1:48)
Well, I would love to just begin here because early on in your book, there was a line that grabbed me when you wrote, “I was raised to show love for others through action, not just in theory.” So, will you start there and elaborate and share more about that?
Liz Bell Young: (1:49 - 3:56)
Sure, sure. I have this little part in the book. It's titled; My Dad Gave It Away.
And so, I'll just tell that little story because I think it's pretty representative of how things ended up playing out. But I got home from school one day and my dollhouse was not at home anymore. It was gone.
And I just stood in front of it and, you know, I was so sad. Where's my dollhouse? One of my dad's co-workers had had a horrible house fire.
And so, during the day, my dad had picked a few things from the house that he thought would bless this family, who also had a little girl. And I, as soon as I understood what had happened, you know, I felt I was very okay with that. I was, I grieved my dollhouse, but I thought, you know, when you, when you have something to give to someone who has just lost, you know, they lost really everything that it is, it's so important to do.
And so, my, my dad and my mom were very, very love and action people. You know, probably even more than we talked about it. It was just a lot of, you know, somebody has low air in their tires and my dad's filling it up.
Somebody needs counsel and they take the time to give it. My mom had a friend who was blind. And so, we would spend time like organizing her, her clothing closets and her dishes just so that she could get through.
She was an attorney, but just help her like get through her day a little bit more easy. So, they were very aware of people's needs. And we learned that sometimes like that was at cost to us, you know, giving away something that we actually still could have used or taking the time to go and, you know, paint someone's house when really we wished that we could have gone to the amusement park, you know, things like that.
That, that was their love and action, you know it really affected all of us, I think in a big way. I have three sisters.
Laura Dugger: (3:56 - 4:40)
So, I love that because it's the same setup for our family. We have four daughters. And so that was your book.
But I think that example that you gave just reminds me of scripture. I was reminded of recently from 1 John 3:18, that just says, “Dear children, let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth.” So, it's apparent that you were raised in really good soil with parents who lived and shared this way of life, and they shared the good news of Jesus with you.
But when and how did you make your faith your own and choose to personally follow Christ?
Liz Bell Young: (4:41 - 6:02)
Oh, so if I had to pinpoint a time, I would say it was like a summer camp. I think I was 11 or 12. You know, that often happens, I think, like when you're removed from your environment.
I was just at night standing next to a lake with a counselor and I just, I'd already, I already knew God. I had always sort of felt His voice and presence and whispers. And I also felt familiar with, you know, the enemy's voice.
And I was very aware, you know, I think when you're a really sensitive child sometimes, which I was, you can kind of feel the weight of the spiritual realm. And so, you know, it was a very gradual, I think, thing turning fully to the Lord. But that I do remember that moment at camp where I just was like, I want this always, I want the fullness of this.
And I want to just completely, I just felt so completely in love with Jesus. And I was just like, very, like, lean forward, eager, you know, for that. So, but of course, you know, it's, it's a, it's a process.
There was, there were highs and valleys and all over the place along the way, but that's kind of where it took off.
Laura Dugger: (6:03 - 6:34)
That is really helpful. Even thinking of sensitive children, maybe that resonates with some of us as parents, you've kind of put language around what we may be experiencing. But then just going back further into your story, you're a graduate of the School of the Art Institute of Chicago.
And I'd love to hear some more about the lessons you learned there. So, what are just a couple of stories that stand out from that season of life that ended up shaping you?
Liz Bell Young: (6:35 - 8:51)
Oh, I, it was a really formative time. I actually just, I did my undergrad in social work. And so this was actually graduate school, because I'd always wanted to be a writer or an artist of some sort.
And so finally, after, you know, I took some time off in between undergrad and graduate school, got back and went to the Art Institute. And one of the, the huge moments for me, it's funny for other people, it would have been like just a nothing moment. But we were, I was in a drawing class, we were doing large format charcoal.
And I'm working on a portrait, and I was working like really tediously on the nose. And my professor came up behind me and said, it's a really pretty nose. Is that what you see?
And I looked at it, and I realized I'm drawing from what I've been told a nose should look like from what I've seen from it's, she's like, I think as a writer, because, you know, I was just taking art classes, but primarily there's writers, she's like, I think as a writer, you understand that, like, you don't want to fall into cliche, but what you're doing here is, is a cliche. And so, what you haven't done is you haven't put any of the reality in it, there were no twists and turns, no shadow, barely any. And it looked pretty and commercial.
But it was not, I had not learned like the transparency of an artist yet. I'm starting to learn it with writing, but I had not learned it with a visual. And I often think about that, because, you know, as a creative, or even as a as a mother, as you know, whatever you do, I think it's very easy to just fall into the routine of what you think is the most acceptable, or what you think it's supposed to be like, or look like.
And getting, getting to that, like honest transparency, whether as a creative, or, you know, whatever you're doing, I think is so freeing, but it really took someone to point out where I was like, where I was not free.
Laura Dugger: (8:52 - 9:21)
Wow, that's so helpful. Art just unlocks all kinds of things within us. So that's a really helpful example.
And this next question, I guess, kind of comes from two angles. So first, was creativity encouraged in the home you grew up in? And then also now, as a mother, how have you cultivated an atmosphere in your home, where all of the family members are free to create?
Liz Bell Young: (9:24 - 11:22)
Yes, we, and I don't want to paint an idyllic childhood, because we certainly had hard points in all of this. But my mom was an art teacher, and my dad is a very, like, inventive engineer type person. So, and yet, they're very organized and orderly people.
So it was sort of this funny contrast of like, free spirit mixed with like, responsibility, you know. And so, we were allowed to sit on the counter and make up a cake recipe while my mom was making dinner, big art pieces on the driveway, we could make spontaneous choices to put up a fort under the kitchen table. So, there was a lot of like, creative flexibility in the house.
And then at the end of the day, we had to clean up like it wasn't, it wasn't like a without regulation or without responsibility to take care of the things that you own. And so I think that's what I've tried to, you know, give to our children is just like, this spirit of invent things, try things, mix things together. We did homeschool for a little bit, turns out I wasn't a great homeschool teacher.
It was very difficult for me. I thought it would be fun, but I just wanted to, you know, do art and play all day. So, I kind of missed the other stuff.
But you know, but during that time, like, you know, getting to make maps on the driveway and put rocks and sticks in places, like all of that was like, really taken from my childhood and like, you know, what I wanted to give to give our kids and still recognize like those, those boundaries of like, you know, then when we're working or, you know, I'm working in the house, like I need you to be quiet. So again, and like, not like the free for all, but still a lot of free.
Laura Dugger: (11:23 - 12:06)
Well, and it makes me think of one of your quotes on page 104. I just thought this was really helpful because everybody were made in the creator's image. So, there is some creativity in each of us, but you said in the design process, it does wonders to make a physical mood board.
I realized maybe I was struggling because I had only made word lists and digital mock-ups. What I actually needed was to make the process physical. So then when I read that, my question for you, Liz, is how can we actually make that creative process physical and help our children to do the same?
Liz Bell Young: (12:08 - 14:27)
Yeah. Well, I, I, I really do love physicality. I think I, I got to the point where I was working so much that I just kind of got stuck on this screen a little bit too often.
So the, what I was talking about in the book is when we were did like designing and building a house that we're now in. And I was really, you know, it was just so much it was, yeah, it was pretty bound to screens and spreadsheets and lists, like trying to like get it all organized. And I just felt like I couldn't it wasn't cohesive.
I couldn't feel it. I had to experience it. And so that's just when I, you know, began to make it physical.
And I think it's important, like you know, a lot of just, if you just think about the design world or interior design, a lot of people will do this. It's like, you know, you put your piece of tile next to the piece of carpet next to the, which I think is wonderful. But then what I recognize is if it's, if it stops there, it's, that's actually not representative of what it's going to be like.
And so, what we need to have is like the parts of our lives that that is getting added to. And so, putting in like, I mean, I just started adding in the stuff that's like always around our house. Lots of paper, of course, because I just love paper, kids homework, you know, little clay pots, the things that we that we bring to it.
So, it didn't feel like a sterile environment. So that, that was that whole like physicality and live into something. And it was literally just out, you know, on a table.
Unfortunately, it was our kitchen table. And I kept it out for way too long. So, we had to eat around it.
But yeah, I think that that's really helpful, especially for children, too. I don't, this isn't quite the parallel, but I was thinking like, you know, a lot like when you have teenagers, like I have a son who plays basketball, we, we have the best conversations when we're playing basketball together. And so just like being physical, like while we're in conversation versus just this, like, I'm trying to talk to you about this, you know, that's been really helpful for us parenting teens.
Laura Dugger: (14:28 - 16:26)
Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor. Midwest Food Bank exists to provide industry leading food relief to those in need while feeding them spiritually. They are a food charity with a desire to demonstrate God's love by providing help to those in need.
Unlike other parts of the world where there's not enough food, in America, the resources actually do exist. That's why food pantries and food banks like Midwest Food Bank are so important. The goods that they deliver to their agency partners help to supplement the food supply for families and individuals across our country, aiding those whose resources are beyond stretched.
Midwest Food Bank supports people globally through their locations in Haiti and East Africa, which are some of the areas hardest hit by hunger arising from poverty. This ministry reaches millions of people every year. And thanks to the Lord's provision, 99% of every donation goes directly toward providing food to people in need.
The remaining 1% of income is used for fundraising, cost of leadership, oversight, and other administrative expenses. Donations, volunteers, and prayers are always appreciated for Midwest Food Bank. To learn more, visit midwestfoodbank.org or listen to episode 83 of The Savvy Sauce, where the founder, David Kieser, shares miracles of God that he's witnessed through this nonprofit organization. I hope you check them out today.
Even back to just a small thing that also came into mind. I loved how you said physically you would bring nature into your home for designing.
And if you didn't have access to a flower, you would grab something green in the backyard. And it just had never occurred to me that I could do that and just grab some leaves or a branch. And you even have pictures of that beautiful example in your book.
Liz Bell Young: (16:27 - 16:39)
Oh, yes. I love cutting branches off trees and bringing them inside, mostly because I forget to plant flowers. And so, like, I don't, you know, I could buy them, but I love branches inside.
Laura Dugger: (16:40 - 17:03)
Such a creative idea. But you've gone on to have some pretty remarkable experiences in your career. So, will you tell us about your journey to becoming the creator of Haven Magazine, which was distributed by Anthropologie, and then also how you were selected to be a contributor to the Magnolia Journal?
Liz Bell Young: (17:05 - 20:59)
Oh, sure. At some point, either I read it or somebody taught me this, I can't remember, about, like, making something that you want to make before you're asked to make it. And so, as a young writer, you know, I didn't have a portfolio.
I didn't have anything impressive. I'm trying to just, like, get into something with a pub, just something published, you know, that's not just, you know, me stapling a book together. And it was, you know, it was very difficult.
I mean, trying to get into travel or food writing, you know, anything, and it's just, like, rejection, rejection. And so, I just decided then, well, I have to make it. I have to figure out a way to create it myself.
And I had talented friends who were also trying to, you know, get published or get their photography out or art, whatever it was. And so, just getting that group of people together with this vision for what I wanted Haven Magazine to be, and then just doing the work ahead of time. Nobody asked for it.
Nobody wanted it. And found somebody who believed in the vision for it, who would, like, donate paper at cost. You know, so, like, we found some things to make it, like, a lighter financial lift, for sure.
And that was the beginning. So, that, and then I forget. My husband uses a word for this that I, it's not like, I don't know, grit or gumption.
I, like, I love challenge. I love trying to get something that feels nearly impossible, and any side door, just trying, trying, trying. And so, that's how, like, getting into anthropology did take a long time.
I can't even think about, maybe two years, a year and a half. And when I finally got the first one that I made through the door, and I had somebody looking at it who, you know, had clout, had the ability to make decisions, their feedback to me was, you're on to something really beautiful here, but I think that you're actually not following, like, I think you're trying, it was, again, like, the nose in art school. I was making something that I thought, okay, this is what people want right now, except it was a little bit more about, kind of, wanderlust, and travel, and that sort of thing.
And the woman on the phone was like, I think your heart is actually really about home. And so, are you afraid to take it there? And she said, you need to also just get better.
Like, I needed to, as a publication, like, I had to tighten things that, like, it wasn't, it wasn't on par with something that they would sell. And so, I did those two things. I was like, okay, well, then we have to do it again.
This one was at higher cost, you know, didn't get the donated paper this time. And my husband and I were just like, let's just do it. It feels like it's a good direction.
And so, the second one is the one that Anthropology distributed. And I'm very thankful that they pushed me as hard as they did, because a lot of times, you're just experimenting and trying something, and you have to go through these refining processes. You have to be humble enough to be like, okay, I recognize, you're right, that's not good enough for your shelf.
And it wasn't even like she challenged me, it wasn't where it was like trying to go, you know, or she didn't say this, but maybe it's that probably wasn't going in the direction that my heart and where God was pushing me wanted it to go. So, being willing to, you know, change direction a little bit with it and, and work hard to get after it. So, that was that part.
Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (21:00 - 21:24)
Yes. And before you share about Magnolia Journal, just to comment on that, I think as believers, that probably deeply resonates with all of us that we all are so eagerly anticipating coming home, like with a capital H to having, and so even displaying that in your magazine. I love that she pushed you as well, but then yes, continue with the rest of the journey.
Liz Bell Young: (21:26 - 23:49)
Okay. So, then I worked at a church for about 11 years, and that was a huge process of just getting, just getting more, just getting better as a writer. You know, I had done a school, but I needed practice and, and worked with a lot of designers.
So, I was getting this kind of multidisciplinary background built up. So, helping with set design, helping with video, so kind of, you know, the fullness of storytelling. But of course, primarily, I still, writing was my number one love.
And then I, after 11 years working for this church, I just, I was finished. I knew I was finished and I had been freelancing a lot on the side. So, I've always loved to be kind of in different places, not just all, you know, kind of in one spot.
And just decided to go for it and just go full freelance. And I was really nervous, very, very nervous because I, I loved, I really amazing creatives that I was working at, really great spiritual leaders. And so, to walk away from that and just think like, am I just going to be by myself?
Like trying to, you know, meld into other teams, whoever, whoever my clients are. So, it was like, I was nervous, but I also felt like it was the right time to do it. And then very soon after that, an editor from Magnolia reached out.
They just happened to be looking for someone to write a story about camping. And I had been a big part of creating a camping experience for the church I was working for. And like, because I had been in anthropology where some of the people from Magnolia now worked.
So, there, you know, again, it was just like relationship stuff that put my work in front of a person who didn't know me. And then, you know, they had a topic that they thought, well, who do we have who knows about, you know, writing about the outdoors and camping? Oh, I heard that there's this woman in Ohio, right?
So, that's, they, and then they just asked me to write a story. And I wrote that one and then just kept writing. So, it's been years now.
Laura Dugger: (23:50 - 25:00)
I love that. So, fun to hear the backstory. But in the midst of building your career, you and your husband, Ryan, also have raised three children.
And again, I just want to quote you. So, on page 56, you write, “I knew I could not be a singularly focused person. I have no desire to be a solitary novelist. I want to be right in the middle of all my people, heart full and available, hands designing books, but also packing lunches. So, on some days I worked and some mornings I wrote. Then on other days, Ryan and I would drive our kids to a farm and pick blueberries and eat cider doughnuts.”
And I just love that. It was so relatable, especially to fellow moms who maybe are also squeezing in their own side career or creative endeavor while also raising children. And so, my question from your story is this, what have you learned about wisely overlapping, mothering, and pursuing dreams?
Liz Bell Young: (25:02 - 28:40)
I don't, well, oh my goodness. This, it was true trial and error, and I still am making errors. But I think that, you know, it's hard.
It's definitely hard because there's a lot of just internal struggle in that, right? Like, I have this artist passion and heart. And so, I want to be, to, you know, work in that space.
And I don't want my kids to feel like I'm choosing that over them. And I know that it's also very good for them to be a part of that, to see it come to fruition. I think I learned a little bit by taking it too far, maybe a lot bit by taking it too far.
And I don't know how to necessarily avoid that. I think, I didn't know what too far was for me. I was getting sort of more and more sleep deprived without quite recognizing that I was starting to, like, sacrifice my health.
I was starting to, you know, get kind of that dizzy vertigo stuff that can happen with stress, but you don't know it's stress. Or I didn't. I just thought, okay, I'm tired.
I need a break. But it was hard. It was hard to stop.
I just wanted to fit everything in. So, I think I took it too far and then I recognized, okay, this is what too far feels like. And so, now, I have to be way better to protect my health, my, our marriage, just to make, you know, just, like, we wanted time for that.
I was, like, you know, books aren't more important than Ryan. And so, I used to do things, like, whenever the client wanted a meeting, I would just take it. Now, what I've learned is, like, I will not overpack things.
I will make sure that it works for our schedule. And just putting, that was a big one for me. Because I'd be, like, super sweaty trying to take a Zoom call while I'm at a park with three, you know, like, it doesn't work.
Or it didn't work for me. And so, I had to learn, like, don't, like, I would set myself up for failure a little bit. And so, just reining that in and kind of having better boundaries about that.
Still getting the sleep I needed. But I create best in the morning. And so, saying, like, okay, for this season, I will get up really early in the because I want this a lot.
And then I want to be able to have breakfast with my kids. And so, I just, you know, made that adjustment. So, yeah.
I guess that's the trial and error piece. But I do think if you, like, I also have friends who have not, who have put it all aside. And so, then that's very hard.
I think sometimes, especially when their kids are all in school or, you know, like, they're empty nesters or whatever. And then, like, you haven't had, you haven't had the chance to be, like, practicing in that and exploring that. And so, then there's this sort of loss and grief felt.
So, I think it's good even if it's just, like, dabbling in it. If that's a part of who you are, and creativity, or it doesn't just have to be creativity, of course. Whatever it is, if you can at least maybe just dabble, I think it's really good.
Laura Dugger: (28:41 - 29:05)
I think that's helpful. That's a message of freedom that gives us permission. And that it's not selfish to do that.
It can actually be really wise stewardship. I'm curious, too, what have your children said? Have they given any feedback or appreciation even of seeing you pursue your dreams and be all in with the family?
Liz Bell Young: (29:06 - 29:55)
Oh, that's a good question. I didn't used to really bring them into what I was doing and why I was doing it. I don't know why I didn't earlier.
I have since, like, now they're also, like, older and can comprehend more of it now. I've since kind of just brought them more into, this is what I'm doing, and this is why I care about writing this story. This is why this book matters to me, or why I'm helping someone else with their project.
And that has been better. I would include them, like, sometimes they would help me make stuff, or sell stuff, or deliver things. So, they were a part of that piece of it, but not, like, the sort of the heart and mind piece of it.
Laura Dugger: (29:56 - 30:03)
That's helpful. So, you brought them in where possible. I wonder if any of them will, even in some ways, follow in your footsteps.
Liz Bell Young: (30:05 - 30:29)
Yeah, we'll see. We'll see. I don't know.
I think it's, well, it's just fun to watch them. I know you, you know, with your girls, you probably feel the same way. And trying not to, like, over shape them, but just, like, create the space for them to try the things that they, you know, that they feel the direction that it's toward.
Laura Dugger: (30:29 - 32:27)
Yes. When was the first time you listened to an episode of The Savvy Sauce? How did you hear about our podcast?
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Thank you so much for being willing to be generous with your time and share. We appreciate you. Well, I just want to draw one other point, too, that you talk about in your book.
When you talk about a woman with a pen, and that deeply resonated with me. And I see the power of a person with a pen because the written word is clearly such a gift, obviously, with God preserving the Bible for us. But in the Bible, the person with a pen can be described as a scribe.
And it makes me think of this scripture from Matthew 13:52, where Jesus says, “Therefore, every scribe who has become a disciple of the kingdom of heaven is like the head of the household who brings out of his treasure things that are new and fresh and things that are old and familiar.” So, that's where my mind goes when I read your beautiful words, Liz. But I want to hear your unique take on this.
So, how does writing and sharing stories help us to even take good care of one another?
Liz Bell Young: (32:29 - 35:10)
I love that scripture that you just read, too. I think that when you decide to write that way, because I even talk about it in my journey as a writer, I wasn't always doing that. I could feel, I sort of had this melancholic spirit at times, especially in my 20s.
And I felt like I was actually pushing into places that I didn't want to be. And so, I thought, why am I bringing a reader there? Or writing in a way that I think stories can also be so sort of self-focused or insulated into that they're actually not offering generous space for the reader.
So, I think about that a lot. I think about how stories can take care of people. I mean, they're just like little portals or doorways into connection, whether it's because somebody relates to a thing that happened.
Like sometimes I think it can be that specific, but sometimes it's just, that's exactly how I felt. And I didn't know how to articulate it. I have this story that felt so big to me, but really small.
I didn't even know if I should put it in the book, but it was just about breaking a carton of eggs when I was babysitting and the shame that the parents walked in and saw the eggs all over the floor. And it was just horrible for me. Really small thing that happened that could seem really trivial to one person.
But then what it really was just about was shame and then grace for yourself and believing that you, you know, what, believing in your worth. And so that's where the story ends. It's real short.
It's like a page. Well, all my stories are short, I think. But I shared that story for some reason has been the one that most people have come back and said, I needed that story.
They didn't break a carton of eggs, but they knew that, that sense, that depth of shame. And so that's where I think stories can take care of people and then taking it to a place of hope and forgiveness and leaving enough white space, even metaphorically, for someone to enter into that story is something that I think about for taking care of someone.
Laura Dugger: (35:11 - 36:02)
That's so good. And it makes me think at our church on Wednesday nights, I'm in the room with second through fifth grade girls and our theme verse two verses from Psalm 78 verses four and seven, just talking about sharing stories with the next generation and ultimately about God's power and his righteous deeds. But I think that is such a way to take care of the next generation.
Stories are powerful. We see that in Jesus. And I was so blessed by all of your stories.
So again, your book is entitled, Let There Be Havens: An Invitation to Gentle Hospitality. So, let's kind of shift gears. And will you explain and define what a haven is and just hear a little bit more about hospitality and creating havens?
Liz Bell Young: (36:03 - 38:13)
Oh, sure. It kind of took me a minute to figure this out because I had a sense of what I wanted and thought that a haven and taking care of people was. And the way I describe it in the book is that it's people who shelter us, places that hold us and experiences that lift us up.
So, when I think about hospitality and taking care of people and just being like a little cove for someone, maybe it's so temporary because it's just, you know, passing on the street and it's something that you can do, or maybe it's something more permanent, you know, like the relationship you have with your children. And I think of it as like gentle and grounding. So, it's not over the top or forced or rigid, or it's not putting myself in the spotlight.
I think a lot of times hospitality and the pressures that come with it are because we've been sort of accumulating this message that it's a performance. And so, I think that gentle hospitality or havens is when you're just creating spaces for people, whether it's physical or emotional, and they feel easy in that space. They feel safe.
They feel like the grounding part is just, you know, it's a step outside the wild waters or the chaos of other things that are happening. It gives a chance to catch your breath, feel cheered for, loved by someone. And so that's what I see a haven as.
And the picture that I have in my mind, which I took a picture out in California that I put in the book, and it's just this rocky coast, but it just has that swoop of a cove, and the waters are quieter there. And I mean, you know, 10 feet away, it's not quiet, but just right there, there's a pause. It's a safe, easy place.
And so that's what I think of for haven.
Laura Dugger: (38:15 - 38:21)
And what are a few practical ways that you've created havens in your own life?
Liz Bell Young: (38:26 - 40:53)
I've always, well, I did want to open a little hotel when I was little. So, I always loved thinking about like overnight spaces for people. So, we really, that's, that is a very, that's sort of the obvious, I think, kind of in my mind of like, what is like creating a literal space?
We've had to do it on couches and in a van, like we haven't always had a guest room. Right now we do. But just like being resourceful and trying to think of like, what's a way to make someone feel like really taken care of in this space?
Like bring a lamp and a coffee maker, even if it's on a couch, give them a stack of books that you think that they would love and that sort of thing. So that's, that would be a haven in my mind. I think, and I learned this in social work actually, but where you like when you're with someone, okay, this is a little bit more of sort of being an emotional, but physical presence haven is like, I try not to top someone else's emotions.
So, like if they're really upset or they're grieving, instead of just like meeting them or even like going above it, like just to be more like just with them and hang out like a little bit under that. Like, again, it's not, it's not about you. It's about the company, you know, that you keep with someone.
So just being next to someone, holding onto their arm when they're grieving. I, and I've had great examples of this, but like you can tell someone awkward or alone and you just go and you just go next to them. You don't draw attention to it.
You just become present. Holding the doors for people. This is a big thing for my parents.
Like, oh, we always must hold doors for people. And the part that I, that then someone, another mentor taught me was just to like delight in people's presence. So, when somebody does come in, whether you know them or not, whether it's a child or your husband, but you've already seen him 10 minutes ago, but like still like beaming on, on them because you love that they're there and that they're with you and that they're here, you know, on earth.
And so, I think, you know, beaming is a big one for me, for taking care and showing hospitality. Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (40:54 - 41:08)
That's so good. I love that word. And what are some other tips for ways that all of us can take care of the people in our lives and help them to feel known and cherished and treasured?
Liz Bell Young: (41:08 - 42:51)
Oh, well, I'm sure if I was in your Sunday school class, if I was a second through fifth grade, I would feel exactly this because I think like, um, again, like you're just giving, you're giving those girls like your heart and attention for that 45 minutes or hour. And you know, you're getting, um, you're getting like eye to eye with them. And like you said, sharing stories and just like being concerned with them as children, as people.
And so that I think it's, I don't want to like make it more than it is. I think, I think that's been part of the problem with like the sort of the pressure of like, how can I be like the best caretaker or like the, like a really great hostess. And I think like the very first thing is just the position of your heart and just connecting to someone and they're telling a story and you listen to it instead of just trying to trump their story with your own, you know, or, um, giving someone something that, you know, that they would love, you know, that, that simple.
Um, and so it's just, I guess that's just paying attention, Laura, right? Like just paying attention to people and what would even just give them a moment of reprieve or a moment of joy, a moment of inclusion and trying to like follow, um, I mean, the Holy spirit will nudge the heck out of you, you know, so you can like listening to the Holy spirit and then like listening to people. And I think that that, um, it really brings you into that space of, of genuine and gentle hospitality.
Laura Dugger: (42:52 - 44:11)
Well, in genuine and gentle, those are some great words to describe even how I experience you as a writer. And I'll just share one more of my favorite practical tips that you listed for ways to take care of people, I guess, because I've been a recipient of this and it instantly made me think of my own dear mom, who I adore. And she has just rocked mothering since the baby phase.
And even as we're adults now, I don't know how she does it, but she just loves so well and every season. And so, I thought of her when you said on page 28, a way to show how to take care of others. You write help a friend or sibling with a couple things on their to-do list.
Jump starts are huge gifts. And I just thought, wow, practically like thinking of being a young mother and having my mom come along and give a jump start. Those times, you know, still impact us today.
And what a great example. So, your book is full of ideas like this. And so, if anybody wants to pick up their own copy or continue learning ways that they can also create havens, where would you direct all of us to go after this conversation, Liz?
Liz Bell Young: (44:11 - 44:58)
Oh, well, thanks for asking. I think the book is the best place, partly because I'm pretty quiet on social media. And I just can't find my rhythm there.
But maybe just because I love books so much, but I really try to give everything that I could think of to these specific pages. And so, I mean, you can buy it on Amazon, Target, Barnes & Noble, you know, all the book places. Magnolia will be selling it, I think, or it might be for sale there right now.
And yeah, that's it. And I have a website, lizbellyoung.com. So, if you want to visit me there too.
Laura Dugger: (44:58 - 45:23)
Wonderful. Yes, we can add that link in the show notes. But that is wonderful.
And congrats. That's so exciting being sold all those places. You may be familiar that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight.
And so, as my final question for you today, Liz, what is your Savvy Sauce?
Liz Bell Young: (45:26 - 46:20)
I think it's calm. I was thinking about how I have learned even because I love to solve problems and try to figure things out. And if I can even do that with a calm spirit, even if I have to work fast and hard, but if I can have that calmness or Megan Fate has a book, Relaxed, which I haven't even read yet, but I'm excited to because I think it's this similar note where, you know, I think it's the way that Jesus like literally lived was just in this relaxed and calm state.
And so that's I've always loved calm and very drawn to it, people who are calm. And I think it's what I try to embody myself.
Laura Dugger: (46:21 - 46:54)
I've gotten to be the recipient of that calm and relaxed posture from you today, but you're also so thoughtful of others and gentle and talented. And I'm leaving this chat so encouraged with the way that you've stepped into your unique design by our creator. And I just pray it inspires all of us to delight ourselves in the Lord and allow him to give us the desires of our hearts.
So, thank you very much, Liz, for being my guest today.
Liz Bell Young: (46:55 - 47:02)
Thank you, Laura. It was great to be with you. It really was.
I'm so glad I got to talk to you. Likewise.
Laura Dugger: (47:03 – 50:46)
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So, would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So, you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 24, 2025
Monday Mar 24, 2025
257. Mother Daughter Relationship During Teen Years and Beyond with Sandra Stanley and Allie Stanley Cooney
"Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:8a NIV
**Transcription Below**
Sandra Stanley received her Bachelor of Science degree from Georgia Tech and Master of Arts from Dallas Theological Seminary. Sandra has a heart for foster kids and foster families, as she and Andy have been foster parents since 2010. Her ministry passion is promoting foster care in the local church. Much of her time these days is spent working on various writing projects and continuing her involvement with Fostering Together, the foster care initiative of North Point Ministries. Connect with her online:
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sandrawstanley
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sandra.w.stanley/
- X: https://twitter.com/sandrawstanley
- Website: https://www.sandrastanley.com/
Allie Stanley Cooney graduated from Auburn University with a degree in Communication. She completed the North Point Residency program and simultaneously earned a Masters of Christian Education degree from Dallas Theological Seminary. With a decade of experience guiding students along their spiritual journeys, Allie is passionate about empowering middle school, high school and college students to embrace a life devoted to following Jesus wholeheartedly. She has a heart for middle school and high school students and can often be spotted at any number of local coffee shops pouring into girls in those seasons of life.
Connect with her on socials:
Questions and Topics We Cover:
- How can understanding the three potential relationship stages help these daughters navigate relationships with friends and with boys?
- When we coach our daughters through developing friendships, what questions do you suggest we ask for clarification and what Scripture do you share for understanding our responsibility within friendships?
- I love how you both emphasize alone time with Jesus. How can we learn and apply this?
Other Episodes Mentioned from The Savvy Sauce:
200 Planting Seeds of Faith in Our Children with Courtney DeFeo
196 Parenting for the Relationship with Sandra Stanley
Related Episodes on The Savvy Sauce:
Intentional Questions to Ask Our Kids with Susan Seay
207 Cultivating Character in Our Children with Cynthia Yanof
212 School Series: Benefits of Homeschooling with Jodi Mockabee
217 Tween/Teen Females: How to Navigate Changes during Puberty with Dr. Jennifer Degler
220 Cultivating Healthy Family Relationships with Dr. Gary Chapman
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:08)
Laura Dugger: (0:09 - 1:46)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
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I am so excited to get to host these guests, Sandra Stanley and her daughter, Allie Stanley Cooney. They have co-authored this amazing book entitled, Meet Me in the Middle, and throughout it I just loved their sense of humor. I appreciated their witty comments that had me laughing in the middle of their stories, but I also appreciate the practicality this book has to offer.
If you think back, Courtney DeFeo was a previous guest and we discussed the treasured Bible study, which is a great thing for mothers to walk through with their tween daughters, maybe girls of approximately ages 10 to 12, so I'll make sure and link that episode in the show notes, but today's book that we're kind of emphasizing is really good as that next step to highlight perhaps with your junior high or high school daughter. It's a beautiful book because you get really both real perspectives of the mother and the daughter from two drastically different angles, and that's kind of what our conversation is gonna look like today as I get to interview mother-daughter duo, Sandra and Allie. Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Sandra and Allie.
Sandra Stanley: (1:59 - 2:03)
Thank you for having us.
Allie Stanley Cooney:
Thank you for having us. We're excited to be here.
Sandra Stanley:
We really are.
Laura Dugger: (2:04 - 2:13)
Well, I would love for us to just begin with the two of you sharing some of the hardest and sweetest phases that you've walked through in your own mother-daughter relationship.
Sandra Stanley: (2:14 - 4:00)
Okay, well, let's see. Allie, this is funny and this kind of weaves through probably every question, but we are wired very differently from each other, and I am more analytical, efficient, organized, you know, all that. Allie is so creative and just spontaneous, and she is the best content creator and all of that kind of stuff, and I obsess over the details of did I capitalize everything and spell everything, and so while that has been amazing in this project working together because we kind of, you know, can just sort of coach each other along in our strengths, there were some times along the way in when she was growing up that that would just naturally cause some clashes, and that is mostly on me because I have a hard time understanding why efficiency didn't make it to the fruits of the spirit list, and you know, in parenting, efficiency is not the goal. The relationship is the goal, and I would switch those sometimes and err on the side of trying to be efficient, so often when we had those difficult times, it was on me, not her, because of all that kind of stuff, so the sweetest part, though, is she has always inspired me.
Even when she was a kid, she just had a maturity and a desire to have an intimate relationship with the Lord from an early, early age, and I think she just challenged Andy and me both in our just our personal walks with the Lord and authenticity and a bunch of things like that, so it's been a sweet relationship, and we pretty much talk all day long.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (4:00 - 4:34)
Yeah, I was gonna say the sweetest season, I think, is definitely this one because I had a baby girl about two years ago, and I remember holding my baby girl for the first, second, third time, whatever, and just like, I love her so much, I'm so overwhelmed, and then looking at my mom and being like, wait a minute, you've loved me this much this whole time? Like, that's crazy. So I think getting to be a mom and doing this project together and all the things, I think this season has been definitely one of the sweetest for sure.
Laura Dugger: (4:34 - 5:07)
I think that's very encouraging to anybody raising children in their home, but with your book, there were so many topics for mothers and daughters, but I'd love to first focus on this one section that you title, Finding Your People, and it's where you're talking about relationships, especially with friends and with boys, and so Allie, how can understanding the three potential relationship stages help these daughters navigate relationships with friends and with boys?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (5:08 - 7:43)
Yeah, definitely, so how our book is laid out, a little bit of context, my mom wrote the first eight chapters to the moms, and then I wrote the back eight chapters to the girls, and we go through these different topics, and one of the topics, like you said, is friends and boys, so when I was thinking about that chapter, there's some, I feel like when you're in middle school, when you're in high school, friends and boys, that's what you're thinking about, that's what you care about, that's what probably you want to read about if you're gonna have to read something, so I wanted to break this down in a way that it's not natural for, you know, middle schoolers and high schoolers to think about, so we break down the three, the three potential stages, stages, that's what I'm looking for, we break down the three stages and let them know that in each stage of a potential relationship, you're called to love, and so the first stage is just before you enter into this relationship, or before you become really close friends, when you're kind of thinking through, is this something I want, is this something that will be good for you, asking the questions like, does this person make me more like Jesus, is this person a good influence, will this person help my life be better, or will it ultimately make it worse, and what does it look like to navigate that season really well, and then the next season is when you're in the relationship, and how can you love that person well while also honoring yourself and honoring that person, and then the last one I think is my favorite, because I think we forget about it potentially, and obviously a lot of our relationships, my best friend that I met in middle school is still one of my very best friends, but a lot of relationships that you have in middle school and in high school, they tend to go away, so there is a stage that is after the relationship, whether that's a breakup, or you just kind of drift apart, whatever that looks like, and the reminder that we're still called to love, because I know culture especially is like, breakup, you should just say horrible things about them, and trash them, and if anybody's friends with them, then you can't be friends with them, and I think the reality is, no, even when the relationship is over, you're still called to love them, and that doesn't mean you need to be with them, or anything like that, but it does mean being kind about them, being thoughtful, being gentle, even when you're no longer in that relationship, so I think that's something that students don't really think about, once the relationship is over, it's like moving on, yeah, you're not called to anything anymore, so yeah.
Laura Dugger: (7:44 - 8:13)
I love it, and you really highlight the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13, and so even though your lessons there were directed at daughters, there's something for each of us to learn for relationships, and Sandra, I'd love to hear from your side too, when we're coaching our daughters through developing friendships, what questions do you suggest we ask for clarification, and what scripture do you share for understanding our responsibility within friendships?
Sandra Stanley: (8:14 - 10:28)
Yes, great question. Well, and Allie talked about the structure of the book a little bit, you know, that we have eight topics. I write eight to the mom’s. She writes eight to the girls, in the middle is the meet me in the middle section, where they come together, and where they can have these conversations, so that's the time when maybe we are talking about, okay, what is a good friend, you know, what does a good friend look like, what are some characteristics of someone that you want to be friends with, and that you want to see every day, and do life together with, what are those characteristics, what makes a lifelong friend, you know, what's the difference between a short-term friend and a long-term friend, what causes friendships to be short-term, you know, what are the things that can cause one to end, and another big question that we talk about is, do you, and do I, and this all applies to us too, not just to the girls, so when we're doing this meet me in the middle section, and having these conversations, this is a two-way conversation, and I think as moms, it's so important for us to be, you know, authentic, and to dive in and say, yeah, I kind of still struggle with this too, but do I want to become more like this potential friend, that's a big question, is there, you know, is this a person that I want to be like, because scripture is clear in Ephesians 5, “He who walks with the wise becomes wise, and companion of fools suffers harm.” That's an important thing to talk about with our kids. You are going to become more like the people that you spend time with. Another question is: Is this somebody I want to introduce my mom and dad to? I remember there were talking with our middle son years, you know, after college, after he was already married. He said, you know, I always knew, this is not a person for me, if I knew it wasn't someone that I would want to bring home and introduce to you and dad, or to Allie. You know, is this somebody that I want Allie to be friends with for the next bunch of decades, so you know, is this somebody I want to introduce my family to, and so we do take a deep dive into 1 Corinthians 13, the love chapter, Allie asked the girls to circle the characteristics of love, I asked the moms, hey, play along, circle the characteristics of love, let's talk about what it really looks like to love, and let's talk about what it really looks like to have friends who are lovely, and who we want to spend more time with.
Laura Dugger: (10:29 - 10:58)
There's so much wisdom in that, and then I think one of your secret sauces, just as a family in general, is your practical teaching, and so if we're taking this even further, let's dive in, it's between pages 64 and 65, but there are a few quotes that I'd love for you to unpack, and one of the first ones is, don't trade what you want most for what you want in the moment.
Sandra Stanley: (10:59 - 11:01)
Right, right, do you want to talk about that?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (11:01 - 11:43)
Yeah, so I think it's really easy, especially when you're in middle school and high school, and you want to be popular, and you don't want to be left out, and you might want to have a boyfriend, and the reality is, if you just zoom back a little bit, you know, it's like, okay, what do you ultimately want? You ultimately want a healthy family, you ultimately want things in the future, and unfortunately, in middle school and high school, there are certain decisions that you can make that can ultimately compromise what you ultimately want, and so I think having that wisdom and that forethought of, why don't you even think about what you want? Like, have you ever sat down and thought about what you want in your future?
Let's do that together, and then back it up from there, and then see if you're making decisions that will lead to that.
Sandra Stanley: (11:44 - 12:55)
Yeah, I think so, and the good thing about the book is moms can contextualize some of this to the age of their daughters, so if it's an older daughter, and she's in a relationship where, you know, there's likely to be some struggle with, you know, how far do I go physically, you know, what are my standards going to be, is all that, to relate to all that, this particular quote is such an important thing to talk about.
Don't trade what you want most for what you might want in the moment, and that speaks, you know, really loudly to a physical relationship, and one of the good things about doing this meet-me-in-the-middle-with-a-daughter is you can have these conversations ahead of time, before there's a face, you know, that we're talking about, or a particular boyfriend or friendship. We can have these conversations early, and then when these things come, we can go back and go, hey, remember what we talked about, about don't trade what you want most for what you want in the moment? Let's just, I want you to go on this date, but I want you to remember that, you know, the decisions that you're gonna make now, they're gonna impact what your future is gonna be like, and the story that you're gonna tell, so that was, that was just kind of what we were, had in our minds as we talked about, don't trade what you want most for what you want in the moment.
Laura Dugger: (12:55 - 13:06)
Well, then you follow it up with, don't let your future be negatively influenced by people who won't even be in your future, and I think that kind of...
Allie Stanley Cooney: (13:07 - 13:41)
I remember that clicking when I was in high school. I remember, I was dating a guy, and I was like, no, I don't want to marry him, like, no, like, that'd be crazy. What?
And then I'm like, why am I dating him? Like, yeah, I don't want anything, I don't want my friendships impacted, like, I don't want to push my friendships away because I'm spending more time with him. Like there's so many things other than just physical boundaries, which obviously that's a huge one too.
But even aside from that, people who aren't going to be in your life long-term do have the potential to affect your future. So I think that's a really important one too.
Sandra Stanley: (13:41 - 14:28)
And affect the relationships that you want to carry into your future. Your good friends, you know, the people that you want to spend time with. So that's a really important one, I think.
And these are great conversation topics. You know, even if you write it on a card and hand it to your daughter and say, hey, let's talk about what this looks like. Don't let your future be negatively influenced by people who won't even be in your future.
And this is where the mom in the conversation that they're having in the meet me in the middle section can talk about a relationship that she can remember having that she thought was going to be forever. And it was, you know, seven months of her life. And then it was over.
So having those opportunities to have these conversations with our girls is so important. And these two particular quotes are really important to talk about ahead of time.
Laura Dugger: (14:29 - 14:52)
Certainly. And it just circles back to even Allie, those three things that you were talking about earlier, those three stages, your conclusion in that section is love never fails. And so if we actually are loving in the way the list of first Corinthians 13 love list, then that is hopefully going to set our daughters and us as mothers up for success.
Sandra Stanley: (14:52 - 14:53)
Absolutely.
Laura Dugger: (14:54 - 16:57)
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And Sandra, would you mind just setting the scene, take us back to that day that you walked into your sweet daughter's messy room?
Sandra Stanley: (16:59 - 19:08)
Which time? So, this is so funny, and it goes back to how we're wired so differently. I have a place for everything and everything has its place, and I clean up as I go, and all of that kind of stuff, and my sweet, creative daughter just operates differently.
But that manifests itself in a messy room, which really wasn't okay. And growing up, obviously, we want to teach our children just good habits and being tidy and all the things that are gonna serve them well later. So there was one particular day, she was at school, and I had been in her room doing something and realized, wow, this is kind of off the chart messy.
And so when she gets home, we're gonna have to have a conversation about this whole thing. So fast forward, we get to the afternoon, Allie's upstairs, and I know she's up there in her room, so this will be a good time. And I wasn't always the best at picking my approach or my timing, but I did work on it.
So by the time she was in high school, I think I was better maybe at that. She might not think so. But anyway, so anyway, so I walk in her room and I look, and she's sitting on the floor, just furiously typing.
And she goes, mom, before I can even say anything, mom, my girls are going into high school, I'm getting ready to leave to go to college, and there's just some things I need them to know. So I'm writing Allie's rules for high school. And she said, let me read them to you.
So she starts reading this list. And with every single one, my heart just started, I mean, I just started melting into the messy floor with her because I thought this is so much more important. If I were to describe the bullseye on the target in parenting, it would have nothing to do with the clean room.
It would have everything to do with the character of her heart. And as she was writing and reading me these rules, I thought this is Allie's heart on display. And it just kind of was a life changing moment for me.
And then I asked her if I could put it on my blog. I was actively blogging at the time. And she's like, sure, nobody will see it.
So you can put it on your blog.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (19:09 - 19:09)
Cute little blog.
Sandra Stanley: (19:09 - 19:37)
And as it turned out, it went viral and was all over the place and radio shows in the mornings and all that. On the first day of school, back to school in Fulton County in Atlanta, there was the Burt Show, I think it's still show, Burt Show, a radio show, drive time show. And he was reading them, reading them off.
And everybody in his studio was all commenting on each one of them. So as all of Fulton County is driving to school, Allie's rules for high school were being read to them.
Laura Dugger: (19:38 - 19:45)
Wow. I mean, I guess knowing the list, it doesn't surprise me that it would go viral.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (19:46 - 19:48)
And I- Surprised me, for sure, yeah.
Laura Dugger: (19:49 - 19:59)
Well, I envision mothers and daughters even listening to this conversation together. I do wonder if my daughters would love to pause and go back and say, remember, mark of good parenting is not a clean room.
Sandra Stanley: (20:00 - 20:03)
So- Right, they're gonna bookmark that statement, yeah.
Laura Dugger: (20:04 - 20:10)
I was guilty of that too, growing up. But Allie, would you be willing to share some of those rules with us?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (20:10 - 21:44)
Yeah, no, I'd love to. Well, I will say, so I was going into high school as the small group girls that I was leading. No, no, sorry, I was going into college while the small group girls I was leading were going into high school.
And there was just a lot of things I wanted them to know and to remember and things we had talked about and things that maybe I had learned the hard way or watched my friends learn the hard way. So I will say, hearing them go, like I didn't write them for everybody to hear them. You didn't write them for a universal audience.
No, I think I would have written them differently, but it's sweet now and I'm glad. So I'll just read a couple. I won't do all of them because there's 20 in the book.
But one, surround yourself with people who build you up, not with people who tear you down. Have an accountability partner and be willing to tell her everything. Emphasis on her.
Yep, be so, so, so, so, so, so careful about who you date. This one's my favorite. I don't know why, I just, I really, this one hits home.
If you're wondering if you should break up with him, break up with him. That's the one I learned the hard way. Yep.
Pray, pray, pray. Don't ever forget how much you need God. Have a quiet time.
It may seem like a hassle, but it will help you stay close to God. Be nice to your parents. They love you and want what's best for you.
So if you disagree with them, just remember that they're a lot smarter than you. Sorry about that. Never be afraid to say no.
When you fall on your face, get back up. There's a bunch more, but the last one is one of my favorites and it's selfies are for faces. That sounds like a good one.
Sandra Stanley: (21:44 - 21:49)
That was such an insightful one just for girls to hear. Silly. You know, you do a face, a face.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (21:49 - 21:52)
I mean, it was mostly like an inside joke.
Sandra Stanley: (21:52 - 22:03)
So there were several that were inside jokes for them, which didn't make fun and didn't make a lot of sense on the radio to drive time in Fulton County, but they made it all funny and fun.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (22:03 - 22:05)
So that's a couple of them.
Laura Dugger: (22:05 - 22:17)
I actually thought that was one of my favorites as well. It was put in a succinct way. And at that time, you were just a few years ahead of them.
And so hearing that from you lands differently than hearing that from mom.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (22:18 - 22:18)
Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (22:19 - 22:35)
But Allie, you're kind of explaining, it was one of those decisions, if you reverse back a little bit, can you share, you write that it was one of the best decisions to grow your faith. And it's something pretty replicable that I'm hoping others will grasp onto as well.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (22:35 - 23:12)
No, and that was, if I'm remembering correctly, what I wrote in there, there's a couple of things, but deciding to be a middle school small group leader when I was in high school was probably the best decision I made for my faith because it caused me to take it really seriously. It made me realize, oh, the decisions I make aren't just going to affect me, it's actually now gonna affect these girls. I remember having a moment where I realized, okay, I don't wanna make any decision where I'm gonna be tempted to lie to these girls about it.
Cause you know, middle school girls, they asked me everything.
Sandra Stanley: (23:13 - 23:13)
No boundaries.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (23:13 - 23:46)
And they were all in my business. And so realizing like, okay, I don't wanna make a decision where if they ask me, which they will, I don't want to be tempted to lie to them. So what did those decisions look like?
What would I be proud to tell them? And ultimately what decisions do I want them to make when they're in high school? So it not only drew me a lot closer to Jesus, cause they also would ask me theological questions and like faith questions.
And I was like, I don't know, let me dive in. But also it was a really cool accountability that I really loved having in high school.
Sandra Stanley: (23:47 - 24:21)
This is really one of the things that we've done for a long time in our church. And that is allow our high school students to partner with an adult to lead these small groups. And it just has, it has impacted all three of our kids in their faith journey.
And again, to Allie's point, a big part of it is accountability. Like, oh my goodness, I don't want my girls or my guys to, I don't wanna do something that's gonna cause me to either have to lie or that would be disappointing to them. And so I think it was a, I think it's a great part of the program, yeah.
But so volunteering, always huge.
Laura Dugger: (24:22 - 24:32)
Agreed. And to get our students into ministry where they get to experience leadership early on, I think that's so profoundly impactful for faith.
Sandra Stanley: (24:32 - 24:33)
That's exactly right, yes.
Laura Dugger: (24:34 - 24:59)
Well, and something else that both of you emphasize, which I especially appreciated, was spending alone time with Jesus. And Allie, you were saying that we have to incorporate foundational beliefs and practices into our lives, specifically through two steps, learning and applying. So, will you elaborate on both of those parts?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (25:00 - 26:11)
Yeah, so I, yeah, I mean, that's how we grow our faith. We can't have a faith if we don't know anything, and then we can't really have a faith if we're not putting what we know into practice. So, the learning really just looks like reading your Bible.
You know, it looks like it's those really obvious, quote unquote, steps. If you go to church, you've listened to the message and you take in the information about Jesus and about scripture and about God and about who you are and about who people are, and that's you’re learning. You have to learn, you have to take in the information.
And then the second one is when you put it into practice, you know, you actually live out what scripture says, you live out what you're learning in church, you love the people around you well, you root yourself and establish yourself in the love of Jesus and who he says you are, and you walk in your identity. So, it's so multifaceted and there's a lot to it, but ultimately, if you can break it down and tell the girls, hey, we learn, and then we take what we learn and we do it, and that's how you grow your faith. And even when it gets hard, you keep going.
And even when people push back, you keep doing it, you keep learning, and you keep applying. And ultimately, that's how your faith grows.
Sandra Stanley: (26:12 - 26:20)
And that is how a Jesus follower consistently follows Jesus. So, it's such an important thing. Yeah, absolutely.
Laura Dugger: (26:21 - 26:52)
Well, and even one example of that, you first of all say, keep continually putting truth in front of you, but then you go a step further and you say, well, even before that, spend a little bit of time thinking about the best way to keep truth in front of you. And you challenge readers to consider the routines and rhythms of their normal day and see where they can put important truths in. So, do either of you have an example of how you do that in your own life?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (26:53 - 27:54)
Yeah, and it's looked really different throughout my life. And I think I wanna give permission to these girls that it's okay if it looks different than somebody else, because we learn and we feel close to our heavenly father in different ways than everybody else and in different seasons of life. So, I remember when I was in middle school, I had a devotional, and it was very story-based.
It was like made up stories, but it had something to learn at the end of it. It had a moral and it was always Jesus-centered, and it was always about simple things like generosity and gratitude. And reading stories for me was how I connected with God.
And then as I got older, I started reading scripture for myself and I'm a huge journaler. So now my time looks a lot like reading scripture and journaling and then journaling some more and then reading scripture. And that's kind of where I find my time with the Lord.
Yeah, but it's definitely changed over time.
Sandra Stanley: (27:54 - 31:31)
I would say that mine has changed in different seasons of life too. When you're single and you've got lots of flexibility and time, it really looked one way for me. It was morning and it was longer and all of that.
In the parenting seasons, it looked different throughout that journey when the little ones, I would try to get up before them and try to get my quiet time in, but it really did. It ebbed and flowed in the amount of time I was able to spend and all of that. In this season, I have more time.
And for me, it's always been better in the morning. I know some people are better at night and that's fine. For me, it's been morning, and I just have to have my space, my particular place that I go with all my quiet time materials there.
And when I'm there, it just, the distractions are minimal. And that’s because that's just my place to be alone with my heavenly father. I've got a little spot to pray and a spot to sit and read and study.
And so that's what it looks like for me. I am so often asked by moms; do we make our kids have a quiet time? Do I make my middle school son or my middle school daughter or high school daughter have a quiet time?
And I always say, no, you don't need to make them do it. But I suggest three things. You model it, you encourage it, and you make it easy.
You model it, you encourage it and make it easy. So, I, my kids saw me and Andy having quiet times their whole childhood. And again, it looked different, different seasons, but they knew that we both spent time in the word and in prayer.
And that just modeled it for them. So, it was something that they just grew up kind of assuming is a given, which is a good thing, but you can also encourage it. And that's one of the things that we did was we just helped them as they got older, figure out what does this look like for you?
You know, what kind of, are you a morning person? Are you an evening person? Is this gonna be, you know, just helping them figure out best times and best practices and all that for their personality and temperaments.
And then making it easy. We always made sure our kids had age-appropriate Bibles in every season, starting when they couldn't even read little picture Bibles that were their own. We wanted them to have their own Bible and never remember a time that they didn't have their own.
And so we just made sure that, you know, different seasons of their lives, they had age appropriate Bibles. And one of the things that I did, and this is just a kind of a, maybe a little fun thing, their Easter baskets every year, while, you know, it always had some chocolate bunnies, you know, and all the normal Easter basket things, I always made sure that there were quiet time tools in their Easter basket that were age appropriate and, you know, proclivity appropriate based on what they liked. And, you know, one of our sons was a reader, one wasn't so much a reader, but if it was about an athlete and the athlete's testimony, they would both read that.
So, I would put all kinds of different things for Allie, journaling stuff, pens, colored pencils, just anything that I thought would encourage their journey in a quiet time. That was my big time to do that. And then of course, other times of the year, we would add some things, but model it, encourage it, make it easy.
And that's the best way to set your kids up to maybe make this as a habit. And even when they don't, nagging isn't gonna help, so don't nag, you know, don't nag under the guise of I'm just reminding them, but model it, encourage it in the appropriate ways and then make it easy.
Laura Dugger: (31:31 - 31:48)
And I even thought there was additional practical wisdom that you shared within that section, just encouraging the mamas, guard your time. And how do you see that intentionality tying over into our time with the Lord?
Sandra Stanley: (31:48 - 34:00)
Definitely it ties over. I think, you know, as we think about motherhood and Allie is experiencing this now, there's a whole other layer of busyness that gets added to your life. It's almost like the things on your calendar double.
And then as they get older, it's even more and more intense as they get older, because everybody, you know, has jobs. So, in this season with these moms of middle school and high school girls, they might be having their first little jobs or and your other kids also. So anyway, it's just a busy season and our time is limited.
So, we always say, Andy and I say this all the time to parents, your time is limited. So, you've got to limit what you do with your time. And when you make it a priority to have that time alone with your heavenly father, that's one of your biggest yeses.
And then they're just going to be some no's in different seasons. I call them categorical no's in different seasons of parenting. When the kids were little, I had all these categories of things that are just a no for now.
This might be a yes for later. It's a no for now. So, things like I'm doing now, like writing projects or speaking, or, you know, just stuff like that were no's when my kids were young, because those are so time consuming.
And so those were no for now, but not forever categories of things. So, I would say to moms and to daughters, you know, your time is limited. So, you've got to limit it.
And so, you know, pay attention to what the most important things are. And I would say, go so far as to say calendar those things, put those things on your calendar and treat them like appointments. Because typically the mom is the calendar keeper for the whole family.
And what we put on our calendars, what we actually do. And so I've always used my calendar that way to make sure that the most important things are on the calendar, even little things like call my grandmother, you know, back during those seasons, because I would get busy and, you know, two weeks would go by and, you know, I knew my time with her was limited. So just even little things like that I've always calendared.
And I think our quiet time may be something we need to calendar and give it a time slot. And, you know, for me, again, I'm the efficiency person. So that just works for me.
That doesn't necessarily mean that's for everybody, but it works for me.
Laura Dugger: (34:00 - 34:23)
I think that's so good, Sandra. Thank you for sharing. And the two of you wrote about a couple really helpful words in a different section that was titled Family is Forever.
So, can you speak to the roles that gentleness and gratitude play in creating an enjoyable family culture? Yes.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (34:23 - 34:31)
Yeah, well, I feel like a lot of girls feel like they don't have a lot of control within their family dynamics.
Sandra Stanley: (34:31 - 34:34)
So, this was the topic on family in the book.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (34:34 - 36:07)
So, you don't choose your family. You're not choosing what you're having for dinner. You're not choosing your curfew or your classes.
A lot of times in that season, it can feel like there's no control. And so, I wanted to give the girls a couple things that, hey, you do have a choice in these and you do control these as far as it depends on you. And so those things were appreciation, forgiveness, and gentleness.
So, appreciation, you can choose to appreciate your family. You can choose to appreciate your mom. You can choose to say thank you to the people around you for what they do.
Forgiveness, you choose to forgive. And then gentleness. This came a lot from my relationship with my brothers specifically.
How is the youngest of three? Of the youngest, I have two older brothers, and they were mean. Not gentle.
They were mean. And so, learning like, hey, they want you to respond in aggression. They want you to get angry.
That's kind of- They want a reaction. They want a reaction from you. And so responding in gentleness is actually how you deescalate the situation.
And I think that those things, it kind of gives girls like, oh, I'm not totally helpless. I'm not totally out of control. I can actually choose these things and I can choose to do them or not.
And I can see how it positively affects the family or if I choose not to do them, how it negatively affects the family. And we all have ownership in the family culture and vibes and feelings. And so, I think that helps the girls kind of have a grasp on something in their family.
Laura Dugger: (36:08 - 38:01)
That's so good. And even, not that either one is more important for the other, but I really was thinking that sets children apart if they are grateful. And that sets parents apart if they are gentle and both are obviously encouraged in the Bible.
So I just thought that was incredible how you drew that out.
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I'll make sure and link to that episode in the show notes. That was about parenting, even starting with younger age children, which was wonderful. But Allie, this is my first time getting to meet you.
So, I'll share with you too. Your dad was actually my first pastor after I became a believer. So, I remember him preaching a series on better decisions, fewer regrets.
And he would challenge us to ask ourselves a question. I think I'm getting this right. In light of my past experiences, my current circumstances and my future hopes and dreams, what's the wise thing to do?
And so, as we're nearing the close of our conversation, would you like to share, after absorbing all this information from the conversation and from your book, now what? What is the wise thing to do?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (38:01 - 39:57)
Yeah, so our last chapter is on decision-making because I do think all of it kind of points to the decisions and we point back to Philippians 4, where Paul is saying, now put it into practice. Everything you've learned, everything you've seen, all of these things, it's time to put it into practice. And so, pointing these girls and pointing these moms to stop in a moment and ask themselves exactly what you just said.
Okay, in spite of my past and my present and my future, what is the wise thing to do? What is the thing that will lead to healthier relationships? What is the thing that will lead to less regret in the future?
And I think it's even just a choice to stop and just ask that, because a lot of times we just go, go, go. We don't have time to stop to really think through anything, but the idea of, okay, before we make a decision, let's actually stop and ask ourselves, what is the wise thing to do? And it's not always gonna be popular.
It's not always gonna be easy. And sometimes you might be the only one doing it, but I know in my experience, and even when I was in high school, I went to public school, so I was surrounded by a lot of people who weren't making the wisest decisions and they were my friends and realizing, okay, I'm gonna, even though it's not popular, even though they might laugh at me, even though this might not go well for me, I know what I want my future to look like and therefore I'm gonna do the right thing. I'm gonna say no, or I'm gonna say yes, or I'm gonna do whatever I know the right thing to do is and just trust that it's gonna be okay and trust that my close friends will stick by me and my family will stick by me and they'll be proud of me. And so I think it's hard to do in the moment, but if you have that filter and if you stop and ask, then I think it's really, really great for you and your future.
Sandra Stanley: (39:58 - 41:46)
And for moms and daughters to have this question in their back pocket as these things roll out, as hard decisions come along, it's just really important to ask what is the wise thing to do? And I think an approach for parenting in general, but especially for these moms of middle and high school girls, an approach and part of a conversation is, hey, Allie, I love you so much. And my goal is for you to get to the end of these middle school years or the end of these high school years with as few regrets as possible.
So, we're gonna get in the habit of asking this question, what is the wise thing for me to do? What is the wise thing for me to do in this situation? And the second question we talk about in that decision-making chapter is what story do I wanna tell?
When all of this is said and done, when this decision, even this one decision, when this is over and I'm on the other side of it, what is the story that I will want to tell? I think I'm gonna make that decision based on that. So those two questions, what is the wise thing to do and what story am I gonna wanna tell?
Those are big, big conversation pieces for moms and daughters to have and for moms and kids in general and dads and families to have, what's the wise thing to do and what story do you wanna tell? Because we wanna get them to a place where they have as few regrets as possible and God can certainly use our regrets, He can use our stuff. We're not gonna be perfect.
We are not gonna always get it right and we're not always gonna make the wise decision. And I think us being honest and chatting with our kids about decisions we didn't make that were the right ones that we might carry a little bit of baggage around on at the appropriate time and in the appropriate way, we can have those conversations with our kids and let them know, hey, I'm not perfect and I'm not expecting you to be perfect but let's get in the habit of asking these questions because they will cause us to have fewer regrets on the other side.
Laura Dugger: (41:47 - 41:53)
So, good and it really puts you on the same team which you are when you're having these conversations.
Sandra Stanley: (41:53 - 42:18)
And sometimes your kids don't feel that. They don't feel like we're on their team. They feel like we aren't because we don't want them to have fun or we don't want them to have freedom or whatever.
And it really does. These conversations do emphasize, hey, I am on your team and I am only saying no to this because I am so for you. And I think these conversations set us up for that.
Laura Dugger: (42:19 - 42:27)
Well, you've shared some wise questions. Would you also be willing to share the prayer that Allie, I believe you prayed through high school?
Allie Stanley Cooney: (42:28 - 42:36)
Yes, the prayer is give me the wisdom to know what's right and the courage to do what's right, even when it's hard and even when I have to do it by myself.
Sandra Stanley: (42:36 - 43:23)
We started praying that for our kids before they even knew what we were saying. When they were toddlers, we were praying this prayer with them. And as they got older, that's when we tacked on the end, even if I'm the only one, even if I'm doing it by myself.
Because as you get older and you get into middle school and high school, sometimes you feel like you're the only one. And we celebrated like crazy when we caught our kids making a hard decision and especially if they were the only one. So, when we saw them making wise decisions, we didn't always catch it, but if we did, we wanted them to know this is to be celebrated because what's rewarded is repeated.
And we wanted to reward our kids for making those tough decisions. And I think Allie carried that on with her all the way through, so.
Laura Dugger: (43:24 - 43:36)
Love that so much. And really, it's such a joy to learn from both of you. Can you tell us where to go after this conversation where we can continue learning from the wisdom of each of you?
Sandra Stanley: (43:36 - 43:56)
Thank you. Yeah, the book is anywhere that you buy books, you know, on Amazon, all of the different places where you buy books. My website, sandrastanley.com has lots of links. Instagram, Allie Kay Cooney, yeah. So we're talking about it a lot these days, just in the season of talking about maybe in the middle.
Laura Dugger: (43:57 - 44:13)
Love it. Well, you may know that I have one final question for you because we are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so as my final question for each one of you today, what is your savvy sauce?
Sandra Stanley: (44:14 - 45:04)
You go. Okay, I'll start first. I think, Laura, it really is my calendar dictates my life.
But again, that's kind of a personality thing. But for me, if I don't get it on my calendar, it may or may not get done. So for me to put the biggest, most important things on my calendar, it just makes life more smooth for me.
So, I use my calendar for everything. There was a season where I even calendared exercise because it was a crazy season. I thought if I don't put it on here, I'm not gonna do it.
I have a rhythm with that now, so it's a little bit easier. But even things like making sure I'm checking in with my mom and dad, because they are in there getting to their late eighties and, you know, just little reminders of things that are most important that I don't wanna miss, that are easy to miss when I get busy, I just use my calendar for everything.
Allie Stanley Cooney: (45:05 - 45:51)
Yeah, I think, I don't know if this is exactly what you mean, but recently, I wanna be off my phone more because it's just everyone's addicted to their phone. So, I got this thing called a brick, and I saw it on Instagram, ironically. But you can tap your phone onto it, and it basically shuts down any app other than whatever apps you want.
And the whole thing is you're turning your phone back into a tool and not a distraction. And it's pretty much changed my life. Because I'll sleep with it on brick, and then so I can't wake up and just like be on my phone.
So, then I have to like intentionally undo it to go on Instagram or do whatever. And then I just keep it bricked. And so, I'm not just scrolling, and it's been really, really helpful.
Laura Dugger: (45:52 - 46:21)
I love it, those are so wonderful. And God has just blessed both of you with so many gifts, but I'm seeing so much wisdom, so much beauty in both of you, but your generosity to share because you have a unique family situation and are very well known. And yet you just are giving of yourselves through the time here, through the knowledge and wisdom that you shared in your book.
So, I want to say thank you for a thousand things, but thank you for being my guest today.
Sandra Stanley: (46:21 - 46:26)
Thank you for having us. We really appreciate it. This was very fun.
Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (46:27 - 49:41)
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 17, 2025
Monday Mar 17, 2025
Special Patreon Re-Release: Stories about Faith, Family, and Leading a Generous Business with John Wieland
**Transcription Below**
Matthew 7:13-14 (NIV) "“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.”
Questions and Topics We Discuss:
- Are there any personal stories that set your life on a different trajectory?
- Most business people do not have an experience like yours where they go from losing hundreds of thousands of dollars to becoming hugely profitable. Will you share your business journey with us?
- How has God taught you to grow in generosity and how can we learn to do the same?
John Wieland purchased a small, virtually bankrupt company in 1994. Under his leadership, MH Equipment has gone from having three branches and 50 employees to having over 900 employees and over 30 branches. Wieland is also the president of the His First Foundation, a non-profit that receives 10 percent of MH’s profits. He teaches college graduates how to handle money responsibly, is a speaker and will guest preach from time to time. He and his wife Julie have four children: Jessica, Jennifer, Jamie and Josiah. They also have one granddaughter: Saylor.
Thank You to Our Sponsors: Chick-fil-A East Peoria and The Savvy Sauce Charities (and donate online here)
Other Recommended Business Leadership Episodes on The Savvy Sauce:
12 How to Apply Successful Business Principles to Your Life with Dee Ann Turner
127 Generational Differences in the Workplace with Haydn Shaw
132 Pursuing Your God-Given Dream with Francie Hinrichsen
193 Biblical Principles as Wise Business Practices with Steve Robinson
198 Divine Productivity with Matt Perman
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:08)
Laura Dugger: (0:09 - 1:46)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
I'm grateful for today's sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria.
Check them out online to place your order for dining or catering, or to fill out an application to join their friendly team. Visit Chick-fil-A East Peoria.
If you've been with us long, you know this podcast is only one piece of our nonprofit, which is the Savvy Sauce Charities.
Don't miss out on our other resources. We have questions and content to inspire you to have your own practical chats for intentional living. And I also hope you don't miss out on the opportunity to financially support us through your tax-deductible donations.
All this information can be found on our recently updated website, TheSavvySauce.com. And now I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons. I am on site at MH Equipment to interview their CEO, John Wieland.
John is an inspiringly generous leader, and he recently published his first book, entitled Uncommon Thread, Weaving a Life Through Family, Business, and Faith. And we're going to cover each one of those topics now. Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, John.
John Wieland: (1:47 - 1:49)
Thank you very much, Laura. I look forward to this.
Laura Dugger: (1:50 - 2:02)
I'm very excited about this chat as well. And we're going to go back a little bit as we begin. So, will you just first start us off with sharing how you came to a saving faith in Jesus Christ?
John Wieland: (2:03 - 3:49)
Yeah. Growing up, I was a decent guy, very narcissistic. When I got to college, I started to realize I was missing something.
And a guy told me to start reading the Bible, and he suggested reading the book of Matthew. And so, I was feeling pretty good until I got to the Sermon on the Mount, which is Matthew 5 through 7. And in Matthew 7, it says, “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few.”
I was like, hold it. Many and few. Well, we still went to church, so I thought I was still in the club. A few verses later, they throw another bomb.
And Jesus says, “Hey, not everyone who says to me, Lord, Lord, shall enter the kingdom of heaven. On that day, many will say to me, Lord, Lord, do we not prophesy your name? Cast out demons in your name and do many mighty works in your name. And then I will declare to them, I never knew you. Depart from me, you evil doers.” In about a span of eight verses, I realized I was on the outside looking in.
And as I got further into the gospel, I realized that my sin has to be dealt with. And that Jesus is one that dealt it for me. And so that became a follower of Jesus when I was a sophomore in college.
Laura Dugger: (3:49 - 4:01)
Wow. Thank you for sharing that testimony. And are there any other personal stories that you want to share that kind of illustrate how it set your life on a different trajectory?
John Wieland: (4:02 - 7:17)
Yeah. Growing up, I really had a blessed environment. Mom and dad was great.
But I will share with you a moment in time when I was a senior in high school. And like I said, I was pretty narcissistic. I was dating a lady in my class and it wasn't long before she got pregnant.
I didn't think either one of us were at this stage where we should get married, let alone have a child. The idea of having a baby and giving it to one of the millions of couples who are crying out everyday for a baby to love didn't even enter my mind at that time because life was just about me. What was the most convenient for me at that time?
So we decided to have the abortion. My memory of that was that I paid for the abortion. When I talked to the lady about this book and asked her if she was okay with it, she had different memories.
She was very nice about it. But this was her memory. She said, I remember you telling me you had plans for college and that we were too young.
I remember being at the abortion clinic, sitting on a beanbag chair, waiting for them to call my name. I remember the pain of the procedure. I remember sitting in the recliner after the procedure, feeling numb, feeling cold, feeling empty.
I remember looking around wondering what I had done and wondering if I would go to hell for taking this soul's life. I remember seeing you for the first time afterwards and feeling sad. I remember you going off to college that fall.
There's not a month that goes by that I don't wonder what my child would have looked like, what my child would have become. I count my child as one of my own, my oldest. I had a ceremony for my child's death.
I pray for my child's soul. Significantly different memories, wouldn't you say? It was 12 years later that I met with a doctor and he's telling me that it's going to be very hard for me and my wife to conceive.
The irony did not pass me by. The only biological child that I was ever going to have, I aborted. I kind of felt like I was getting what I deserved.
The thing I learned is this. God is rich in mercy. He gave us four three-day-old babies to adopt.
It has been just an incredible journey to experience his mercy and grace. That has probably defined me probably as much as anything.
Laura Dugger: (7:17 - 7:57)
Thank you for being willing to share such a personal story. I'm wondering for the people listening where that lands, if someone has made a similar choice and they've never received the forgiveness from Jesus. They've never been able to forgive themselves, but like you say, He is rich in mercy.
I think it's interesting how you even bring that up because just yesterday in church during our Sunday school hour, that was what our pastor was highlighting. How God doesn't say he's rich in other things in the Bible, but he is rich in mercy.
John Wieland: (7:58 - 8:48)
A side note, just a couple of weeks ago, my daughter had a friend about 30 years old. She was single. She was dating someone.
She got pregnant. She didn't want to get married. She really didn't know if she wanted to have the baby, and she was thinking about taking the easy way out.
In God's sovereignty, she started to read the book that my daughter gave her that I wrote. After she read the chapter of four adoptions and one abortion, she decided, I'm not taking the easy way out. I'm going to have this child.
That makes being vulnerable and transparent to a broken world worth everything.
Laura Dugger: (8:50 - 9:10)
Yes, absolutely. You have no idea whose life and even a baby's life that may be saved or changed through hearing this. Also, in your book, you've written about your family.
What would you say was the most impactful lesson that you learned from your family growing up?
John Wieland: (9:10 - 11:03)
I think the most important thing I learned was from my dad, you do the right thing because it is the right thing, not because of the outcome. It's never wrong to do the right thing. With my mom, she was rich in mercy and grace.
People were people, and everybody was invited into our home. We had a house right across the high school. We had an in-ground swimming pool.
There were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people that would come to our house for swimming parties. I thought that I was a real popular guy. I went off to college, and every time I would come home or talk to my mom or dad, they would say, “Hey, so-and-so came over for lunch today.”
I'm like, that's interesting. So-and-so came and had dinner with us. So-and-so came over just to talk to us.
I was like, this is really interesting. They haven't talked to me since I went to college, and I realized I was not the popular one. My parents were the popular one.
I was just window dressing. And so what I got from my home is God's currency is people, especially the brokenhearted, the hopeless, the hungry. And we need to lean into that community, that a society is judged on how we care for the least of us.
And I think I got that from my parents, as well as, obviously, the scripture.
Laura Dugger: (11:04 - 11:17)
Absolutely. But it sounds like you had wonderful role models. And now as a father yourself, what are you most grateful you prioritized while you and your wife Julie were raising your own children?
John Wieland: (11:17 - 12:16)
Even though we had resources, our children did not grow up entitled. We lived in a neighborhood, and our kids always had the fewest toys. I was engaged in their lives.
They liked that. I coached softball, basketball, soccer, etc., etc. Julie was a stay-at-home mom.
Obviously, she was more engaged in their lives. They knew that messing up wasn't a big deal. It was just a chance to grow.
With my background and the number of times I messed up, I'm sure I'm not going to be cast in many stones. But it's like an opportunity to learn and grow from there, and that my love was not dependent on their behavior. And then lastly, it was what my mom and dad taught, is to be kind to everyone, especially to those who are hurting and struggling.
So, I think those were the things that they came back with that said, you probably hit the ball there.
Laura Dugger: (12:16 - 12:20)
What a neat opportunity to get to hear that from your growing children.
John Wieland: (12:21 - 12:57)
I would encourage parents out there to ask your kids, even if they're in high school or grade school, where am I hitting the ball and I'm doing well, and where have I wounded you? Because sometimes when you've wounded them, you won't even remember when it happened. But it still is an impactful moment for them.
And so, I've had both of those conversations. Obviously, I like this conversation better as opposed to the times where I've wounded them. So, yeah.
Laura Dugger: (12:58 - 17:58)
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As we transition from family to business, I think it's just worth noting that most business people do not have an experience like yours where they go from losing hundreds of thousands of dollars to becoming hugely profitable. So, John, will you share your business journey with us now?
John Wieland: (17:58 - 20:30)
Yeah, I was an average student, a very average student going into high school. The only thing I had any ability in was math. I got along well with numbers, so I did not have much of a problem figuring out what I was going to do.
It was going to have to do with numbers, so I became an accountant. I was a public accountant for an accounting firm, and I was auditing this company, MH Equipment, for about seven years, and they were virtually bankrupt. And there's a couple of things I learned being in public accounting.
I thought that an entrepreneur was a special type of person, that he was or she was really smart and just insightful. And as I audited all these companies, I realized some of these people aren’t that smart, to the point where I'm thinking, I'm not that smart, but I think I'm smarter than them. And so the luster of, you have to be somebody special to be an entrepreneur, was taken away.
And so, fast forward, they were virtually bankrupt. The people that they did business with, their primary supplier, Hyster, they were going to decide who took it over, because they were going to have to write off about a million dollars for someone to take it over. I decided it wasn't a complicated business, and I tell people I was in the right place at the right time.
God is sovereign, and for some reason, they said yes to some 35-year-old guy who had no entrepreneurial spirit and can't even change his own oil. So, I had no mechanical skills. That was in 94.
For the next five years, the economy was great. And a good economy will cover a multitude of sins. And so, all the mistakes I was making, I wasn't having to really pay for them, because the economy was good.
And so, we went from 50 employees to close to 1,000 now, and we had three branches, and now we got 30 branches. And it's been a fun ride, because you're able to create a company that you want to be a part of. So, it's been a short 28 years.
Laura Dugger: (20:31 - 20:42)
And then even to go more micro, there was a certain decision that you made that doesn't make sense on paper when you look at the numbers.
John Wieland: (20:43 - 22:14)
Yes, it was in 2001. We had just bought two other companies and tripled the size of MH Equipment. I thought, like, I had some type of silver spoon and that I was a genius.
I wasn't. The economy turned on us. And in the first six months of 2001, we lost over $700,000.
Julie and I, we always wanted to give back to our communities by setting aside funds to make a positive difference in our communities, but we just never pulled the trigger. But it was at this low point in July of 2001, after we had lost $700,000, that we decided to go for it. And the executive team decided to start the His First Foundation, where we would commit 10% of all future profits starting in July to His First to come alongside our employees' passions.
Since then, MH Equipment, we have invested over $20 million to not-for-profits and charitable organizations. But we started it when we had to take a step of faith. And God honored that.
Laura Dugger: (22:15 - 22:28)
That is incredibly powerful. And even since that point, how would you say that God's taught you to grow in generosity? And how can all of us learn to do the same?
John Wieland: (22:28 - 24:20)
That is a great question. Scripture is very clear. You got to be faithful in small things.
If you're faithful in small things, He'll probably entrust you to be faithful in greater things. That's just a biblical principle. It's not a promise, but it's a principle.
And so, Julie and I, we've always had a heart for giving, and so when we didn't have much, we still gave. And the beauty about God is this. He doesn't need our money.
He does not care how many zeros there are before the decimal point. He's interested in how much of the giver is in the gift. Why do you think the rock star of giving is the poor widow who gave two pennies?
Because she was all in. And God loved it. And so people who are listening to this podcast, if you don't have much resources, this is a great opportunity.
To honor God, because if you choose to give something to somebody else, and you can't do something, that's a sacrifice. It's hard for people that have resources to actually sacrifice. So, I think it starts out at the beginning, and if you have not been overly generous with your time and your talents and your treasure, start.
I tell you, when you have a passion outside yourself, it is a game changer. You're so much more balanced. I mean, it's got to be tough to wake up everyday thinking life is all about you.
So, it has been a good journey.
Laura Dugger: (24:20 - 24:48)
There's a lot of wisdom packed in there. And as I think back on our conversation already, we've covered a few aspects of your life, including faith and family and business lessons. And you've woven all of these areas together in your book, Uncommon Threads.
And this book might be classified as a secular book, but the gospel is naturally shared throughout. So, was that intentional?
John Wieland: (24:48 - 26:14)
That was extremely intentional. I did not want to write a Christian book for one reason. I want non-Christians to read it.
The illustrator, who is Jim Burkle, who's a great illustrator, he's a missionary to Iranian refugees up in Michigan. He has been giving the books out to people. And a few months ago, he called and said, John, I got to tell you, I met this guy.
His father is in the mafia. He doesn't want to talk about Christ. He didn't want to think about going to church.
But he said he would read this book. Two weeks later, this guy called Jim and said, I read that book. It impacted me.
I want to talk to you. I don't want to preach to the choir. I want to create a book where non-Christians would not feel like they're being proselytized to every page.
But throughout the book, between family, business, and faith, the beauty of the cross is just naturally shared. Yeah, so I was intentional. I did not want that to be a uniquely Christian book because I want non-Christians to read it and like it.
Laura Dugger: (26:15 - 26:35)
And I think you've very much done that and woven so many helpful stories and nuggets of wisdom tucked in there. But also in your book, you share an interesting story about sitting by a woman that had a very different lifestyle from you. So, can you tell me about that and what you learned?
John Wieland: (26:36 - 30:33)
Yes. So, I'm on the plane. We're boarding it.
It's very crowded. I'm on the phone. I'm talking to one of my co-owners.
We're talking about Jesus. I used to think I said King Jesus. And the lady in front of me, she just tensed up when I said King Jesus.
And to her horror, when she sat down, I sat next to her. And, you know, I kind of felt like she may have a different lifestyle. And the last thing she wanted to do was sit by a Christian.
And I realized we need to own that. We have treated people who have a gay or lesbian lifestyle with meanness, judgment, hatred. And I thought, man, I want her to feel the love of Jesus.
Jesus, he doesn't want people to have lifestyles not because he's just mad. He wants them to be fulfilled. And so, during that time, I started talking to her.
And finally, I asked her what she liked to do. And she said, well, me and my partner, we like to go camping. And I think she thought, uh-oh, he will quit talking to me because now I've disclosed that I am gay.
And so, I just went back into and said, I just read a book on how people survive, you know, like land crashes. And some of the things that are common to all the people that survive when we start talking about it. And she just had a great conversation.
I said, “I would love to send you that book.” She went from hating the fact that she was sitting next to me to giving me her name, her personal address. I don't know what ever happened to Sarah.
But I think maybe for the first time, she felt loved by a follower of Jesus. And that can open doors. I have a cousin who got married, had two kids.
And then he decided he was gay or whatever and was with a guy for 40 years who just recently died. And this last year, he sent me a mass Christmas card from him and his partner. And on the back of the card, he wrote a few words that made me cry.
He simply said, “Your book was wonderful.” And I kind of felt like he felt like he gets it. He gets it that so many times Christians, they hate the sinner, you know.
And Jesus, he was a friend. He broke bread with the tax collectors and sinners. People flocked to him.
And if we want to change the world, we have to change our reputation. That is okay. I mean, I have a relative whose husband is going through a transgender thing.
And when this first started happening, they were all at our house for Thanksgiving. And I got the two. They were in the corner someplace.
And I walked up to them, and I said, “Look, you guys need to know this. You will always be welcomed in this home.
Laura Dugger: (30:36 - 30:45)
That's powerful to hear tangibly how love can change things rather than hate.
John Wieland: (30:45 - 30:52)
Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. And that's a lesson that sitting by that person, I learned that well.
Laura Dugger: (30:53 - 31:44)
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Well, and just to highlight something else from your book, there's one chapter that was especially practical and it was entitled Leading Leaders. So, will you elaborate on a couple of your key takeaways? And we can begin with this one that you say every voice in the room is important.
John Wieland: (31:46 - 33:09)
Yeah, I mean, if you want to have a healthy culture, everybody needs to have a voice. And as the leader, and if I have another leader, they think we should do A. The first thing I think about is what is the worst thing that can happen if we do A?
And if the worst thing that can happen is manageable, then let's go A. Because you're creating an environment where everybody will be open to speaking their opinions, their ideas. I mean, the Bible talks about out of the mouth of babes comes incredible wisdom.
And so, I think it's just really important that everyone has a voice. I also talk about never lose people because you're greedy. I mean, if you've got good people in your organization, be thinking about how can I give them more money?
That's why I've got like 12 people in the company that are minority shareholders. They own part of the buildings. I'm trying to figure out how to get them more money, not how I can pay as little as possible for as long as possible.
Laura Dugger: (33:09 - 33:31)
I love that, both of those takeaways. And to circle back, when you have that thought cross your mind of what is the worst thing that could happen, does that oftentimes play out that the worst thing does happen? Or have there been times that it surprised you and going with that A that was mentioned turned out to be beneficial for all?
John Wieland: (33:31 - 34:16)
Oh, actually, two times I went with it because I didn't understand what they were thinking. I didn't see their vision, but I trusted them. And both times I said, okay, the worst is manageable.
Both of them turned out to be home runs, not only for the company, but also for our customers and also financially. And so, all wisdom does not reside with you. And so, you need to understand just because you're the CEO, that does not mean you're the smartest guy in the room.
And typically, if you are, you haven't done a good job hiring.
Laura Dugger: (34:18 - 34:33)
That's good. There were so many good business takeaways. And we oftentimes hear that leaders are readers.
So what are a few of the books that have most impacted you as a leader?
John Wieland: (34:33 - 36:34)
Well, I'm going to say this. I don't want to come across overly spiritual, but the Bible, I try to read through that at least once a year. And it's interesting.
I was with a friend a couple of years ago, and they're like, does anyone have a good devotional that I can use and read this year? I'm looking for a good devotional. And I said, “Yeah, it's called the Bible.”
He was like, ooh, that's a good push. And so, guess what his devotion is. He's reading the scripture.
I like Business by the Book. That was an old book by Larry Burkett. And it really talked about if you say it's God, then act like your business is God.
And you don't have the right just to do whatever you want with it. You're a steward. I like to read a variety of genres.
I like to read human behavior. I like to read history. I like to read spiritual books.
I like to read biographies. You don't want to be a one-trick pony when it comes to conversations. You want to be interested.
You want to be able to pivot and talk to people about a wide variety of topics because that develops relationships. If they think that every time you talk to them, you're going to turn it to a spiritual conversation, I think that's going to get tiring. So, I'm a believer in being well-read, a variety of topics.
But again, if there's a book that you want to read continuously, I believe that God's Word keeps you on a solid path.
Laura Dugger: (36:35 - 36:57)
I would say yes and amen to that. And I love that advice too for always being a reader and sharpening because we're never too young or too old to implement that habit. But I would also encourage other people listening to pick up a copy of your book as well.
So where can listeners get a copy of that?
John Wieland: (36:57 - 38:58)
Yeah, you can get it at Barnes & Nobles. You could get it on Amazon. You can buy it at Paperback.
I don't produce the paperback, but we have the hardbacks and the hardbacks are only like $10 on Amazon. And if you put your name to who you want to give it to in parentheses under your name, I would address it to that person and sign it. And that's for a hardback.
And like I said, it's only $10. We did this. I did this.
It was not a money play. I have shared with you before. I'm glad it wasn't a money play because I've lost a lot of money on it.
And that wasn't the reason. It was because of the message. And I want people to have movement in their lives.
Obviously, I would love people who are not believers to come to saving faith in Christ. But Christians, there's just so many points of interest and stories where you'll grab a hold of something and pivot. And that's what I was hoping for is that when you read it, it's an easy read.
I write like I talk. I don't use big words. I'm 64 now.
I still like to read books with pictures in it. So, there's a bunch of illustrations in it. I'm selfie-facing.
And so, I always felt like if you want, if I want you to look in your mirror, I don't think it's very good for me to say, Laura, you need to look in your mirror. It's more effective to, as an author, to look in my own mirror and share honestly where I've messed up. And that gives the reader freedom to say, hmm, if he can be honest about that and put it on paper, maybe I need to look into this.
Laura Dugger: (39:00 - 39:25)
Well, and I think this book has already touched many lives. And you were gracious to share a few of those stories of where that landed with people. So, I can't wait to see what else God has in store for this message.
But John, you may know that we're called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. And so as my final question for you today, what is your savvy sauce?
John Wieland: (39:25 - 41:07)
I'm going to give you two answers. One, from a business perspective, that is our culture. The importance of truly living out our mission and our vision and our values.
About four years ago, we had a lady who had been doing strategic planning for Fortune 500, the Army and the Navy. And she spent three days with MH Equipment. And at the end of three days, she made this declaration.
In all my years of over 40 years, I have never met a company whose value statements that were on their wall were so closely related to reality. And so, you have to live out your values. You can't have something on your wall and then live something else out.
From a personal standpoint, my savvy sauce is this. Everything's not okay. Quit saying that.
When someone asks me how things are going, I will always say, considering the ordinary struggles of life, things are going okay. You would not believe the responses I get from that simple statement. They're like, I know what you mean.
I'm having problems with my son. Be okay with your brokenness. Jesus is a perfect one.
We're not. And so, I think when a watching world sees Christians that are honest in their own brokenness and they're walking towards Jesus and saying, he's the one that loves us unconditionally. I think we make movement.
Laura Dugger: (41:08 - 41:47)
Absolutely. John, it's a privilege to get to hear you share about your faith and your family and your business and really that it is built on faith.
It just brings to mind Matthew 6:33, “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you.”
And I feel like your life experience really illustrates that scripture coming to life. And so, I appreciate your transparency, appreciate your humble leadership and really appreciate you being my guest today.
John Wieland: (41:47 - 41:51)
Laura, I just loved our time together and I appreciate what you do for the kingdom.
Laura Dugger: (41:52 - 45:08)
Thank you, John. One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before?
It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news.
Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a savior. But God loved us so much, he made a way for his only son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.” So would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to you. Will you clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare you as Lord of their life?
We trust you to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring him for me, so me for him. You get the opportunity to live your life for him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 10, 2025
Monday Mar 10, 2025
256. Gut Health, Allergies, Inflammation and Proactive Solutions with Emily Macleod-Wolfe
1 Corinthians 6:20 CEV "God paid a great price for you. So use your body to honor God."
**Transcription Below**
Emily MacLeod Wolfe is a Nurse Practitioner wellness professional with a passion for helping individuals achieve their health goals in a holistic and practical way.
With 5 years of invaluable experience in the field, Emily has developed a deep understanding of the importance of a balanced lifestyle for a vibrant life.
Emily firmly believes in treating the whole person, not just the symptoms, and takes a comprehensive approach to healthcare. She learned these from her own personal experience of dealing with Hashimoto's thyroiditis and eczema and found the root causes to treat them naturally. She is passionate to help others with the personal knowledge and health freedom she has received.
By combining her medical expertise with a focus on nutrition, exercise, and mindfulness, she empowers her clients to take control of their health and make sustainable lifestyle changes.
With a warm and empathetic demeanor, Emily creates a safe and supportive environment where clients feel heard and understood. She works closely with each individual to develop personalized wellness plans that are tailored to their unique needs and circumstances. Whether you’re looking to improve your physical fitness, manage stress, or simply lead a healthier life, Emily is dedicated to guiding, encouraging & supporting you on your wellness journey.
Find a Functional Medicine Provider in Your Area
Questions and Topics We Cover:
- Will you define what it means when you refer to our "gut" and explain why our gut health is vitally important to our overall health?
- What lifestyle sets us up to have a healthier gut?
- If you had to simplify it and leave encouragement for each of these areas, what's a good starting point for something we can all start doing, stop doing, and continue doing?
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Dream, Build, Grow: A Female's Step-by-Step Guide for How to Start a Business by Francie Hinrichsen
Francie Hinrichsen's Previous Episode on The Savvy Sauce:
Episode 132 Pursuing Your God-Given Dream with Francie Hinrichsen
Other Related Episodes on The Savvy Sauce Podcast:
Being Intentional with our Health, Finances and Relationships with Elizabeth Dixon
Simple Changes for Healthier Living with Leslie Sexton and Vasu Thorpe
Sustainable Health & Nutrition with Molly Pfleuderer and Ryan Parnham
Rhythms of Renewal with Gabe and Rebekah Lyons
Healthy Living with Dr. Tonya Khouri
Connect with us through The Savvy Sauce Website.
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
Music: (0:00 – 0:08)
Laura Dugger: (0:09 – 1:15)
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host, Laura Duggar, and I'm so glad you're here.
If you are looking to start a business or side hustle, but you're not sure how to begin, I want to encourage you to pick up your copy of Dream, Build, Grow: A Female’s Step-by-Step Guide for How to Start a Business. You can find it at foundingfemalesco.com.
Emily MacLeod-Wolfe is my kind and brilliant guest for today. She's a nurse practitioner, wellness professional, and she loves helping individuals achieve their health goals in a holistic and practical way.
Emily packs this conversation full of practical tips, and she sprinkles them throughout the entire episode. So, I hope you enjoy learning from her now. Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Emily.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (1:16 – 1:20)
Thank you so much for having me, Laura. I'm so excited to be here with you today.
Laura Dugger: (1:21 – 1:33)
I'm thrilled for the opportunity to get to interview you. And just doing a little bit of research, I recognize you are such a gifted photographer. So, then what also led you to pursue a career in the health arena?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (1:34 - 5:05)
Yes, thank you so much. So, first of all, with photography, from a very young age, I just started disappearing from family photos because I wanted to start taking them. And so I was blessed to have a couple of photography mentors, and I loved the ability to be able to capture someone and show them their worth and their beauty and give them maybe even an outside perspective of sometimes we can be so critical of ourselves and to be able to show someone their beauty and their worth in a photo, it was just incredible.
And so, I just have always, always been a people person and always loved really just showing people that. And then I started that and then it was actually my own health journey that ended up prompting me to go towards the health route. And so, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto's and eczema.
My skin, it was just I just became a bleeding open wound at one point where I literally couldn't I would cry myself to sleep. My mom would put mittens on my hands so that I would not scratch at night. We went to doctor after doctor and no one could figure out what was going on with all these health issues.
And they just kept prescribing medications and steroids, and it was it was making it worse. And there was a point where I went and did like a UV ray treatment and for my skin and my skin with the hydrocortisone had a reaction to the UV ray light. And then I went from like already looking really terrible, my skin falling off to like a burn patient.
And it was just horrible. And so from that point, I had prayed and felt prior that I was being called into medical missions. My parents are pastors.
And so, I really had a heart to do medical missions and be in ministry. And I thought immediately doctor. But then after I saw a nurse practitioner and she asked me all the questions that the doctors were not asking.
And she was like, what are you eating and what is your sleep like? What are your stress levels like? And we did allergy sensitivity testing.
And oh, my gosh, I was my gut was so imbalanced that I just could not eat anything. And I ate I was literally eating chicken and green beans for like nine months. But my gut reset because it was so inflamed and allergic to everything.
And we did certain things to calm the lining, heal the lining of the gut and my skin cleared. And it was incredible. That prompted me to go on this journey.
I was able to get off thyroid medication. The Lord healed my thyroid and prompted me into doing medical. And so I knew I wanted to go to Vanderbilt and I wanted to be a nurse practitioner and do the traditional training.
But go into holistic, integrative kind of have the best of both worlds, the traditional training. But then the functional medicine knowledge and then integrate the two. And so that's why my practice is called pure integrative health, because it's kind of blending both.
And I still do both. And I still do photography because I just love that creative aspect. And then I like the right and left brain.
It kind of gives a little change.
Laura Dugger: (5:05 - 5:27)
I love that. That's such a good point. And I've learned so much from hearing you speak about these topics.
But it seems like people are starting to pay more attention to gut health in recent years. But will you just start baseline? Will you define what it means when you refer to our gut and explain why gut health is so vitally important to our overall health?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (5:28 - 8:59)
Such a great question, Laura. Yes. So, first of all, the microbiome, which is it's our gut is essentially all the different intestines that colon, large intestine, small intestine, stomach.
That's the gut. Now, the lining of that, we've got billions of bacteria, trillions of bacteria in the gut. It's the only organ that is constantly communicating like through the vagus nerve.
There is continual communication called the set. The gut is called the second brain for a reason, because there is a constant stream of communication. The gut can actually send signals to the brain and then vice versa.
And so, it is the precursor to I mean, if we can heal the lining of the gut and if we can heal and balance out, when I say microbiome, it is the amount of good and bad bacteria that are all in in the gut. And so, we want a really healthy microbiome, which would be we want lots of strains of good bacteria outweighing the bad bacteria, very little to or just like not pathogenic, bad bacteria. So how and what do we do to kind of balance those things?
One thing is the good and bad bacteria. We want so many different strains of good bacteria. Now, studies have shown that over the last 100 years, the number of good back just even strains of different types of bacteria, the microbiome diversity has gone down dramatically.
And what could be causing that is the introduction of antibiotics, because since the introduction of antibiotics, there are far fewer. Good bacteria strains that are even possible to have and cultivate now, that's what keeps our immune system resilient is the abundance of many different types of good bacteria. And so, then when pathogenic bad bacteria viruses, we get sick, then the body has a strong enough immune system and the bacteria can just destroy the bad bacteria much quicker if we have that.
But just antibiotics, the chemicals in the food, toxins, even America's gluten, because it is genetically altered. It's not Italy's, but really good stuff. It's all affecting you.
Alcohol, the lining of the gut and weakening the immune system. Not why is this so important? Anyone that has autoimmune issues needs to be paying attention to the gut.
Hundred twenty percent because 90 percent of the immune system is made and synthesized in the gut. And so, then if the gut is sending out unhealthy signals, it will send those things. Rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, Hashimoto's thyroid disorder, just arthritis, anything with inflammation.
Yeah. So anyhow, all of those things, inflammation and it can be traced back to imbalances in the gut.
Laura Dugger: (9:00 - 9:23)
And as you're sharing even what the gut is, just thinking food passes through all of those places as it gets processed. So, I'm assuming that I'm sure there's lifestyle factors as well. But is food the main reason beyond the antibiotics that are stripping it of the good bacteria?
Is that the main lifestyle change we can have is to eat a certain way?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (9:25 - 9:26)
Great question.
Laura Dugger: (9:26 - 9:26)
Yes.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (9:26 - 14:25)
So food is the game changer because it is true. You are what you eat and the foods that we're eating, some of them are just the quality in the food. We could get organic, but they're showing now that sometimes we're not even getting the nutrients from the soil anymore.
They're not putting the right nutrients in the soil that the food was even grown in. So we're not getting the minerals and we're not absorbing things like B vitamins are not even being absorbed as well. Into the lining of the gut.
It's not even there to begin with in the foods or they are grown, but sent across the country and then gone to a grocery store. And they are no longer like three, four, five, six days after harvesting the mineral content in our foods drastically drops. And so.
As much as possible, I recommend getting to know your farmer, getting to know local farmers markets, places that can really go back and get food that was just freshly harvested, because we're going to increase the chances of getting cleaner, more nutrient dense foods that way. That's one thing. And the other is.
Sometimes we can be eating foods that are healthy that could actually be causing damage to the lining of our gut. And what I mean is some of you might have heard something called leaky gut. Well, what is that?
And like, where does it come from? It's in the lining of the colon, large and small intestine, and the stomach. There are these tight junctions of the cells that just keep everything in the digestive tract as properly.
We need food to stay in the digestive tract. We don't need it anywhere else in the body. And so, if there's a stressor to the body, then it can be from toxins, chemicals, food additives, preservatives, pesticides.
It can start to wear. And like I said, genetically altered gluten can wear away at the lining of the tight junctions. And all of a sudden there's holes in the lining of the intestine causing food particles to leak into the bloodstream, which what is the problem with that?
And that can contribute to food allergies and food sensitivities popping up like crazy. So, for example, an allergy usually is pretty immediate. Most people know their allergies because hives, throat closing, etc.
Sensitivities present up to 72 hours after eating a food. So we're talking joint pain, bloating, diarrhea, constipation. We're talking mood swings, depression, anxiety, brain fog, acne, psoriasis, eczema, all sorts of things.
And it can show up 72 hours after eating the food. So, all of a sudden playing a guessing game. Well, I ate eggs three days ago.
I was feeling fine. I ate eggs today and I feel bloated. Was it this or was it was it the broccoli or was it this?
And so then there's this and it could be continual exposure. Now there's more inflammation in the body because then that increases inflammation that can cause weight gain. And then there's foods leaking into the bloodstream.
It's going to weaken the immune system. So oftentimes with the intestinal permeability, we'll see heightened seasonal allergies are getting way worse. We'll see food sensitivities popping up like crazy.
We'll just see overall getting sick more frequently, all of those things as well. So I do highly recommend doing a food sensitivity test because, for example, I had a patient just last week who was trying to eat as healthy as she possibly could. And she was eating salmon, spinach and rice.
Well, we did a food sensitivity test and she came back to find out that salmon, spinach and rice were three of the top most foods causing inflammation, sensitivities and allergies in her body. And that was contributing to the inflammation and all the ways that she was she was feeling terrible, which is crazy because those are healthy, good foods. But the body, if there's if there's, you know, breaches in the lining of the gut, it doesn't start to recognize good food versus it's just it could pop up from eating the same food every single day or from from vaccines at a very young age that hijack the immune system and then or antibiotics from a very young age or.
Yeah, I'm spilling out lots of information.
Laura Dugger: (14:25 - 14:45)
So helpful. I'm going to try and remember it. There's a few follow up questions.
Just thinking back to when you talked about eczema and skin issues, I think I've heard you say before that the skin is the last place where it shows up, where your imbalance and overall health will show up. Is that correct?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (14:45 - 17:06)
That is correct. That is. Yes, exactly.
And so even a lot of skin issues are oftentimes an indicator of there's something deeper going on. Acne, psoriasis, eczema, what's going on? Eczema, psoriasis are autoimmune also.
So, looking at the gut is absolutely a game changer. I like a gut analysis. I will say with food sensitivity tests, they're not all created equal.
I have one that I do with my patients that checks for allergy, sensitivities and inflammation because some tests just test sensitivities. Some just test allergy and some will not.
There's none that really just test inflammation on their own. But how much better if you can look at all three and add them up? What foods could be causing inflammation, which is going to increase like almost every disease out there can be linked back to inflammation.
And then we can get inflammation down or be preventative. Maybe you're not feeling bad but just want to be on the preventative side. Great.
We want to reduce inflammation. And then the sensitivities and then the allergies. So IgE, IgG and then inflammation markers and the lining would be like the best way to look at everything.
And you want to pull them out, heal the lining of the gut best we can. There are foods, there's supplements and things depends on the person to exactly what is going on with their lining of their gut. But generally it can be repaired, which is great news.
It's like, is it forever? Is it like you guys? No, it's not.
It's just because the lining of the gut can regenerate in two or three weeks. So even two months of true two or three months of truly pulling out any foods that could be causing inflammation is just incredible because it gives the body the opportunity to finally heal. If it's not always continually having stressors coming at it from something that we can control.
Laura Dugger: (17:06 - 19:54)
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Laura Dugger:
And I'd love to eventually unpack how some of these symptoms may present, whether that's insomnia or brain fog, low energy, all kinds of symptoms.
But first, I think you've given us a little glimpse of hope, so I want to run with that for a moment. So, eating whole, healthy, organic when possible foods that are locally sourced. Then you mentioned supplements and this testing.
So what are those proactive ways with both lifestyle and supplements? What do you generally recommend?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (19:54 - 27:50)
I will say that foods in general that increase the microbiome diversity, which is good, the good bacteria that increase can be foods like kefirs and sauerkraut and kimchi, the fermented foods. Even sourdough bread is more easily digestible because it is fermented. And so some of those type foods that are rich in probiotics.
So probiotics, the good bacteria. But then there's prebiotics. I'm like, you know probiotics maybe.
But the prebiotics are the food for the probiotics. So we really want to feed the prebiotics so that the probiotics can multiply. So what are foods that are rich in prebiotic?
Chicory root, inulin, like the greenish like bananas, like not too ripe, but greenish, closer to green. Those are rich in prebiotics. Asparagus, onions, leeks, garlic.
Those are rich in prebiotics. And yeah, and so increasing some of those foods can help fuel the probiotics and help them multiply. But I and then as far as supplements go, a really good high quality probiotic is good.
I will say not all probiotics are made or created equally. And I would recommend you that you that are listening to consider seeing a holistic practitioner that can partner with you to do like, you know, a gut test and a food sensitivity test. And then when you do a gut analysis, it's not super fun.
It's a stool analysis. But it looks at the lining of the gut. Like we talked about, it looks at bacterial overgrowth, looks at bacterial undergrowth.
Like, is there something that's growing that's that used to be good, but now it's overgrown and it's bad bacteria that needs to be killed off? We can figure that out. And then we can look at is their yeast overgrown in the colon that can be contributing to skin issues and frequent infections, different things.
And then it looks at like not all of them, but like the top 20 parasites. So, we can know, okay, at least we know which ones most of us have some degree of parasites. Unfortunately, I don't like to think about it too much.
None of us do. But just need to come in from anywhere and just need to kind of get that flushed out. But I don't recommend people just starting on parasite cleanses without like fully knowing what else could be going on.
Sure, we can assume parasites and could cleanse. But if there's other bad bacteria that needs to be killed off that is you don't know about, that could worsen the situation. Or there's something called small intestinal bacterial overgrowth, SIBO.
And that can be caused by like someone who maybe errs towards constipation. And so the stool is sat in the stomach and then it's backing up into not just sitting in the colon, but backing up into the small intestine. Now, that can present as eating foods and immediately feeling like bloated or waking up feeling really bloated and full all the time and don't know why.
A lot of gas, a lot of problems with constipation or diarrhea. In those cases, that's why I say consider a holistic practitioner to kind of partner with you. In those cases, feeding the probiotics is not a good idea because that can be overgrowing small intestinal bacteria or bacteria that should not be continually to grow.
It can make you feel worse. So that's why there's like a yes, these are really good. But also you just it's good to know exactly where your gut is at because not everybody's microbiome and gut is the same.
There's different pieces like mine. I was very sick at a young age and I had a lot of antibiotics when I was at a young age. I know that weakened my immune system.
I think that made me more susceptible to having eczema at such a young age and then that worsening. And then when you have one autoimmune issue, it's likely that it can continue on to another one. So then I had Hashimoto's, which is another autoimmune disorder of the thyroid, but kind of snowballing all having to do with the immune system and the gut.
And so the more that we know the bigger picture and figure out, OK, what stressors have been here and what do we need to do about it, then definitely helps with that. Oh, and something about the with brain fog, anxiety and depression. I just want to touch on the mental effects of the gut because that is huge.
So one thing is a lot of people have been put on antidepressants like Lexapro, SSRI, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors is what they're called. These antidepressants actually work more on the brain, which is not where we really want them to be working, because 80 to 90 percent of our serotonin receptors are in the gut. So dopamine, serotonin, melatonin, all of those really happy hormones that keep us happy and healthy.
There's a lot of people who haven't been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and been getting on these antidepressants and the antidepressant medications are not even working on the right organ. Isn't that crazy? So even in the gut, it's that's why a lot of the side effects of those medications are gut imbalances, because it's causing imbalances in the gut because of the gut brain access.
But really, what could we do if we can heal the lining of the gut? I have seen brain fog start to disappear because of bad bacteria or things that needed to be cleared out. I've seen more that you heal the gut, the more the thyroid gets balanced, the more that you heal the lining of the gut.
You can help heal the adrenals, which is just the way that body processes stress. That organ sits on top of the kidneys and vice versa, healing high cortisol stress hormones made in the adrenals. You could go back and heal the lining of the gut.
They're so interconnected, like each organ. And so anxiety, depression, ADHD. Oh, my goodness.
Kids with ADHD, I would say first thing, gut and food sensitivities. Check the food sensitivities, check the gut before going on ADHD medications, because there are likely mineral deficiencies that are happening, like B vitamins that are just not even being absorbed. D levels, different things that could be contributing to the problem that might not even be addressed.
Laura Dugger: (27:51 - 28:22)
Well, and it sounds like the gut is the root cause of so many of these symptoms, but it's also very nuanced. And so seeing somebody like you would be ideal. Are there ever blanket statements that work?
I am thinking lifestyle, just how God created us to be outdoors and how that early morning light, that's kind of like a bio hack that helps all of these. Can you explain more about why that works or just any other things that would work for anyone?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (28:23 - 31:12)
Yeah, that's great. So, one thing for sure is when you go outside first thing in the morning, you get 10, 15 minutes of that sunlight. The sunlight affects our vitamin D receptors and vitamin D is the precursor to melatonin.
So, melatonin is what helps us fall asleep and stay asleep. And so naturally increasing that melatonin so that it's funny, but you wake up that morning and then that night you're going to have a better sleep because of the morning sunlight. So, getting out even better is walking and moving because the more that we do exercise and that's going to increase the endorphins.
I know you've heard it before, but it's really true that if you exercise, it's going to increase serotonin and dopamine. It's going to give the body those surges of those things. And also in American culture, we're not moving enough and we're not tiring ourselves out physically.
I mean, we sure are tiring out the brain, but we're not tiring out the body. And so, there's this like discrepancy between an exhausted brain and then the body hasn't even had enough exercise. And then we try and go to bed and the brain keeps racing and the body's not as tired as it should be.
And so that's why also exercising daily and trying to get somewhere between that six thousand to seventy five hundred steps a day. That's like an hour of walking. I mean, you can walk around the house to that counts.
That's great. But just intentional walking and doing those things, that's going to help our mental health. And then weight bearing exercises are huge for prevention after the age of 30.
Twenties and the 20s is the decade in which well, teens and 20s, that is where we can build muscle. Lots of muscle can be built. And essentially after 30, it's just whatever muscle has been built will just continue to deteriorate until we die, which is unfortunate.
But that is why it is so, so, so important to do weight bearing exercise. It's not a doom and gloom. It's OK, let's be aware.
Yes, it's we're working against the natural decline in the muscles. That's why it's so important for prevention of osteoporosis, bone density, helping with sleep. So many things that weight bearing exercises one to three times.
If you need to start at one great work up to three times a week. Weight bearing exercises are incredible for men and women. It's good because it increases testosterone naturally.
Laura Dugger: (31:13 - 32:25)
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It also makes me wonder just about hydration, sleep and stress management, too. How do those play into the brain gut connection and all of these symptoms?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (32:25 - 34:21)
Yes. So, the sleep and stress, I will tell you that high levels of stress zap good bacteria from the lining of the gut. So, we can do the right probiotics.
You can do that gut test. You can do all those things. And then if there's high levels of stress continually exposing the body, it will contribute to just some bacteria will literally be zapped.
I've seen gut analysis where like the lactobacillus strains just fully gone. And that's what stress can do to our bodies. And that's going to weaken the immune system because we don't have all the different strains that we need to.
And so that makes us more susceptible for that. And then cortisol levels is melatonin and cortisol. Melatonin helps us.
It's a bell curve that helps us fall asleep and stay asleep. And then cortisol helps us stay awake. But if there's high levels of stress right before bed, then we're not going to be able to calm down, wind down and be able to rest properly.
So a lot of it with that lifestyle of our bodies need rhythm. We have to our bodies crave the balance of a rhythm and consistent schedule, because then the body can, you know, just little signals of I'm winding down. This is what I do.
My body needs extra help sometimes. And like, OK, it's winding down. I'm drinking some tea and taking a shower.
I'm meditating on the word. I'm not going to be looking at my screens too much because blue light really does signal the body to produce cortisol and stay awake. That's the blue light is the morning sunlight.
So, you don't want to be giving yourself screen time right before bed, because then that will be giving your body the signal to stay awake.
Laura Dugger: (34:22 - 35:01)
That's fascinating, because I think there's even studies that show that blue light, I think approximately between 11 p.m. and 4 a.m., that exposure to that blue light can even eventually lead to, I think, more depression and anxiety. And just how you're talking, God did not rhythmically design us in that way. And we knew we wouldn't have time to fit everything in.
So, I can't wait to have you back to discuss hormones. But as we're winding down this conversation today, if you want to package it up, Emily, and just share an easy takeaway, what can we start, stop and continue doing with this information?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (35:02 - 37:56)
So, I would say I'm going to start with the morning sunlight, starting with gratitude. And I am a huge proponent of spending time with the Lord in the morning. And the physical aspects to our emotions and physical, spiritual, emotional is also interconnected.
So, like thanking the Lord, spending time in the scripture, quoting those things, truly physically changes our body. Like the scripture that says, renew your mind daily, truly has an effect on the neurotransmitters in our brain. Because 90% of what we remember is from the day before.
And then 90% of our thoughts are usually negative. So, if we're continually going on a trajectory, we're going to go downhill. Unless we are continually renewing the mind in the morning to truth, to scripture, to like, what does God say about me?
What does God say about my health? All of those things. So, so, so important because we got to shift the 90% narrative.
And we've got to shift what we thought yesterday to today. So, I would say, pair it with a little 10 minute walk in the morning. And I would say, do eat for blood sugar management.
We can get into this more into the next episode, for sure, because we're going to smaller, more frequent meals. And I'll get into why that is so important, but not skipping out and going, you know, five, six, seven hours. That was the blood sugar and glucose is going to spike and crash.
And then that's going to affect the gut, the hormones, and we'll get into that 100%. But the morning sunlight, taking time to really meditate on truth and scripture in the morning, and then cutting out processed oils. I would say that would be a really big one that we can start cooking with.
Baking it, broiling it, grilling it, cooking with whole, real foods as best sourced as you can control from local, if you can. And having a good protein source and then fiber, like a vegetable and a fat for a meal or like a protein fiber and complex carb, like sweet potato, brown rice, quinoa, something like that. It's going to give you more longer energy and lasts a lot longer than just eating fruit or just eating a piece of toast or just drinking a glass of orange juice.
Which is typical for American culture, but that's just spiking sugar and crashing it.
Laura Dugger: (37:57 - 38:03)
Okay, so that's the start and stop. Is there anything to continue?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (38:04 - 39:20)
Anything to continue? Continue with the working out and just being consistent in that. Because also, the more that we walk, we do workouts, exercise, cardio, mixed with weights, it is bringing oxygen to our tissues.
And I don't think most people think of it in that way. Most of us know a handful of our friends and family members, loved ones that have passed from cancer or dealt with cancer before. But we need to remember that exercise increases oxygen to the tissues and cancer cannot survive in an oxygen rich environment.
So the more that we are pumping our bodies with oxygen and getting it to the tissues, it's going to prevent a lot of those cancers. And it's going to improve cardiovascular health. And just walking 6,000 to 7,000 steps a day can reduce the risk of dying between the ages of 20 and 65 by 40%.
Just the walking part or cardiovascular events. So, I would say keep walking.
Laura Dugger: (39:21 - 39:39)
That's incredible. Well, you are such a wealth of knowledge. And as you shared, even getting these food sensitivities and allergy and inflammation tests, is that something that we can seek from you even if we're living in a different state?
Or would we have to find somebody local?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (39:40 - 40:28)
Great question. Yes. So a couple of different options.
I have an option, opportunity that I can. I would need to see. I do see out of state patients.
I just have to see them for their first evaluation. And then after that, we can do like a hybrid telemedicine. See you back once a year, that kind of thing.
So that's definitely an option. And then obviously in person will just work. I can order testing, you know, even to wherever it is needed.
As far as finding a local practitioner in your current state, there is a website, ifm.org. And then you can go to that website and find a practitioner. If you prefer someone right there local, then you can do that too.
But there's options. Yeah.
Laura Dugger: (40:28 - 40:30)
Wonderful. Okay. Well, we will.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (40:33 - 40:40)
Pureintegrativehealth.com. That's the website, my website, that they can find out more information on how to become a patient if they were interested.
Laura Dugger: (40:41 - 40:49)
Yeah. Wonderful. We'll link to those websites in the show notes for today's episode.
And I hope we all get a chance to meet you in person.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (40:50 - 40:50)
Thank you.
Laura Dugger: (40:50 - 41:07)
Wonderful. Well, Emily, I've enjoyed this time so much. But I do have one more question for you because we are called The Savvy Sauce because savvy is synonymous with practical knowledge.
And so, as my final question for you today, what is your Savvy Sauce?
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (41:08 - 42:45)
I would say that my Savvy Sauce for today is the importance of eating smaller, more frequent meals centered around protein and never having sugar by itself. Including fruit, including carbs, always pairing it with protein and the order in which we eat a meal can affect glucose. Because if we can get the blood sugar controlled, it came out this year, type 3 diabetes, Alzheimer's, type 3 diabetes, sugar in the brain.
So we can prevent Alzheimer's, blood sugar issues, adrenal issues, thyroid issues, all of this getting down to the order in which we eat foods. And that is on a plate. If we can have the vegetable first, that's the gastric juices.
It gets it going and flowing. Then we eat the protein next. And that will stabilize and tell our body when we're full longer.
And then the carb. And that order, even on a plate, makes a big difference to glucose levels in the blood after eating. And so that, as well as just when we're pairing foods, we do not want to have the fruit by itself.
Have it with a little bit of protein, you know, a turkey stick or something with the fruit. It's okay to have, you know, treats. But just doing it with the protein is such a huge game changer.
Laura Dugger: (42:46 - 43:06)
Wonderful. Wow. You are just a wealth of information, Emily.
And wrapped up in a very warm and engaging and likable personality. But there is so much more to dig into. And I'm so grateful that you've agreed to be a returning guest.
So, thank you for everything you've shared today. And I look forward to getting to host you again.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (43:06 - 43:10)
Thank you so much for having me, Laura. I've really had a great time. I appreciate it.
Laura Dugger: (43:10 - 43:11)
My pleasure.
Emily Macleod-Wolfe: (43:12 - 43:13)
Okay, let's see you next time.
Laura Dugger: (43:14 - 46:54)
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term gospel before? It simply means good news.
And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners.
But Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves. This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved.
We need a Savior. But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him.
That is good news. Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus.
We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us. Romans 10:9 says, “That if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.” So, would you pray with me now?
Heavenly Father, thank you for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today, right now, is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life?
We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason.
We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So are you ready to get started? First, tell someone.
Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible.
I selected the Quest NIV Bible and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John. Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ.
I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you. We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have Show Notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
And finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
And if you've already received this good news, I pray you have someone to share it with. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Mar 03, 2025
Monday Mar 03, 2025
255. Redeeming Our Time with Jordan Raynor
“But as for you, be strong and do not lose courage, for there is reward for your work.” 2 Chronicles 15:7 AMP
**Transcription Below**
Jordan Raynor is a leading voice of the faith and work movement. Through his bestselling books (The Sacredness of Secular Work, Redeeming Your Time, The Creator in You, and The Royal in You.), keynote speeches, podcasts, and devotionals, Jordan has helped millions of Christians in every country on earth connect the gospel to their work.
In addition to his writing and speaking, Jordan serves as the Executive Chairman of Threshold 360, a venture-backed tech startup which Jordan previously ran as CEO following a string of successful ventures of his own.
Questions and Topics We Cover:
1. What does it look like, practically, to live on earth as it is in Heaven?
2. From your time studying of the Bible, do you find a difference in how our call to work applies to both men and women?
3. What are some ways we can pass along this wisdom to our children?
Other Episode Mentioned from The Savvy Sauce:
Stewarding Technology for More Intentional Relationships with Joey Odom
Related Episodes on The Savvy Sauce:
Being Intentional with Marriage, Parenting, Rest, Personal development, and Leadership with Pastor, Podcaster, and Author, Jeff Henderson
Practical Life Tips with Blogger, Rach Kincaid
Ordering Your Priorities with Kat Lee
Living Intentionally with Shunta Grant
Cultivate What Matters in 2021 with Emily Thomas
Rhythms of Renewal with Gabe and Rebekah Lyons
Divine Productivity with Matt Perman
Why Limits Are Good For Us with Kelly Kapic
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Sam Leman Eureka
Connect with The Savvy Sauce Our Website, Instagram or Facebook
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: The principles of honesty and integrity that Sam Leman founded his business on continue today over 55 years later at Sam Leman Chevrolet Eureka. Owned and operated by the Bertschi family, Sam Leman in Eureka appreciates the support they've received from their customers all over central Illinois and beyond. Visit them today at Lemangm.com.
I am pleased to get to introduce you to my guest, author, speaker, entrepreneur, Jesus lover, and family man, Jordan Raynor. We're going to discuss what God's word has to say about topics such as the afterlife and then what that means now for how we spend our time and what work we get to do both as men and women.
Jordan is a content producer and much of our conversation today is a follow-up to one of his books entitled, Redeeming Your Time: 7 Biblical Principles for Being Purposeful, Present, and Wildly Productive. [00:01:31]
Here's our chat.
Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, Jordan.
Jordan Raynor: Laura, it's great to be here. Thanks for having me.
Laura Dugger: Well, it is truly my pleasure. I'd love just to begin here. How did you find your way into the work that you get to do today?
Jordan Raynor: I spent the majority of my career as a tech entrepreneur. I still have a foot in that world as executive chairman of the last company that I ran, but I spent 10 years full-time as a tech startup CEO.
I was in the process of exiting my second company when this kind of all started for me. So, you know, when you sell two companies, the natural thing to do is go start a third. So that was kind of the plan.
But for a hot minute there, my wife and I were really seriously thinking about planting a church. Why? Because I went to church often feeling this guilt that I think a lot of believers have felt of, Man, how dare I want to go to work and build a business tomorrow when there's a need for people to serve as pastors and move to mud huts 5,000 miles away from home to make disciples. [00:02:39]
So we're praying about these two paths: start another business, plan a church. One week after church, this mentor of mine pulled me aside. He's like, "Hey, I heard you're thinking about planting a church."
And I'm thinking this guy's going to pat me on the back, maybe write me my first check. He just looks me dead in the eyes, is like, "Yeah, I got to be honest, it sounds really dumb for you." Like, personally, I was like, "Oh, okay. Tell me more." He's like, "Listen, Jordan, you're a talented entrepreneur. You've served your customers and your team members and your investors with excellence. Why do you think you have to plant a church to do ministry? Don't you get that your work as an entrepreneur is ministry?"
I was like, "Yeah, no, I get it. I build these companies so I can write big checks to the missionaries, picture on my refrigerator, or share the gospel with my team members." He's like, "Yeah, but like so much more than that." I was like, "I have no idea what you're talking about."
So he's like, "Here's what I want you to do with this conversation, the background of your mind, I want you to read Genesis one and two." [00:03:39] And I'm thinking, "I've read Genesis one, two, five hundred times. What am I going to say? It's new."
But Laura, what I saw changed my life forever. I saw that before God tells us that He is loving or holy or omnipotent, He tells us that He is a God who works and creates. It's literally the first verb in the Bible. It's the only thing we know about God's character until Genesis 1:26, well, God says, let us make humankind in our image. Why? So that they may rule and work like God did long before the great commission to make disciples.
In Genesis 1, we see this first commission that God never once retracts for you and I to make culture. And that just stopped me dead in my tracks. So long story short, I did not go plant a church. I went and ran somebody else's company. But it set me on this search to really understand how the church's theology of work has gotten so, so lost. [00:04:38]
And it's led to the work I do today, which is creating a whole lot of content through books and podcasts and whatever, helping Christians understand the biblical story of work and God's plan for work from Genesis 1 all the way to Revelation 22 and respond to that truth in practical ways in how they do their work outside and inside of the home today.
Laura Dugger: Wow. Okay. So definitely want to talk about work, but then even zooming out bigger picture of our time, that some of the content that you've written about, and I'm specifically thinking about redeeming your time. So what would you say, Jordan, is one of your biggest cautions for us to consider, especially as it relates to ways that are culturally acceptable to spend our time, but they're not eternally wise ways to spend our time?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah, it's a really good question. [00:05:36] I think maybe the most significant one though is not where we spend it but how we spend it. I think culture outside of the church largely views time as a means of glorifying self, of pleasing self, of accumulating experiences and leisure.
It's the whole bucket list mentality, right? The purpose of your time now is to do it all because this is your only chance to do everything you want to do. And that's a deeply unbiblical lie that I think is one of Satan's favorites to peddle to believers and non-believers alike.
And so I think as believers, the gospel ought to compel us to not just manage our time for profit and for pleasure, but to redeem the time, as Paul says in Ephesians 5:15-16, to eternal ends, to things that are eternal.
And yes, that means souls, but it means way more than souls. I think a lot of times when we think about eternal uses of our time, we think exclusively in that bucket of evangelism. And Jesus didn't. [00:06:36] In fact, He spent 80% of His adult life swinging a hammer and making excellent tables and chairs. He spent time turning water into good wine and pursuing justice in the world and beauty in the world.
And I think all of that matters to God. I think all of that can be an eternally significant use of our time if, if, and this is the big IF, we're doing all those things with Christ-like love and compassion and excellence and in accordance with God's good and perfect word.
Laura Dugger: I guess you're starting to answer this, but I'm thinking then of the flip side of that question. What would you say are ways that God's will can be done on earth as it is in heaven?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that we could spend hours and hours and hours answering that question. I think we got to be clear though on what we mean by that term "heaven". [00:07:35] Because for the first time in church history, for the last 200 or 300 years or so, Christians, when they hear that word heaven, think almost exclusively about the present heaven, this amorphous, disembodied souls floating on clouds, which was not the hope of Jesus, it was not the ultimate hope of the writers of the New Testament.
God did not promise to fit us for heaven to dwell with Him there, as we sing every Christmas. He promised heaven on earth and to dwell with us here. See Revelation 21 and 22. And that's the "on earth" part.
So when we expand our thinking beyond heaven is only this place that disembodied souls go to in the future and we understand heaven as a state of affairs that is breaking into the present — Jesus said the kingdom of heaven is at hand — I think it greatly expands our vision of what it means to work in ways and manage our time in ways where God's will can be done on earth as it is in heaven. [00:08:32]
Yes, that means making disciples as we go about the work that God has given us to do. Yes, it means discipling our kids within our homes. But it also means cultivating beauty in the world. Because Revelation 21 says that when we do, we are scratching off a glimpse of the day when beauty will reign supreme over the face of the earth.
It means doing work with excellence, because Isaiah 60 tells us there are works of cultural excellence present on the new earth, which boggles the minds of many people, right?
So I think the definition is really, really broad of what that means to do our work on earth as it is in heaven. But the key is love. The key is, out of looking at the cross and understanding the love that God has shown us in Christ, letting that love overflow out of our hearts and spill into everything we do, whether we eat or drink or whatever it is that we spend our time doing, to riff off of Paul in 1 Corinthians 10. "Do it all for the glory of God." [00:09:36]
What's his glory? The perfect love of His Son. When we're modeling that, that's what I think it means to bring heaven to earth, as Jesus calls us to do.
Laura Dugger: Okay, so expand our understanding, though, because I know you've been on a journey learning about heaven here on earth. What are some findings and realizations that you've made as you've studied scripture?
Jordan Raynor: Number one, nobody, including Jesus Christ, is going to spend eternity in heaven. If what we mean by heaven is the present heaven, where, God forbid, if I die in the plane that I'm about to go on tonight, I will be with Jesus in the present heaven. Nobody's going to spend eternity in that heaven. Read Revelation 21, read Isaiah 60 through 65, it makes that abundantly clear.
Number two, contrary to our American caricature of heaven as a glorified retirement home, Isaiah 65 says, starting in verse 17, God says, "See, I'll create new heavens and a new earth. My chosen people will build houses and dwell in them, and they will long enjoy the work of their hands." [00:10:39]
So, number one, nobody's going to spend eternity in heaven. Number two, on the new earth, we will worship by singing yes, but also by working with our hands alongside the risen Christ. And then I would say, you know, number three, I think what I'm learning more and more is we tend to think of heaven exclusively as a place that we go to in the future. And that is true in a sense, right?
But it's also, as I said before, this state of affairs that's relevant and breaking into the present, breaking into our homes, breaking into our communities. The good news of the gospel is not that I sit around and wait to go to heaven when I die. The good news of the gospel is that I get to partner with Jesus in cultivating heaven on earth until I die, and He returns with heaven in hand to finish the work, right? [00:11:36]
So I think as we expand our vision beyond these half-truths about heaven that secular and, frankly, church culture have been peddling for years, with the whole truths that we see in Scripture, it vastly expands our purpose in the present as we seek to redeem our time. And I also think it expands our hope for the future, because a future with Christ where He has truly made all things new and I get to long enjoy the work of my hands with Him is way more exciting to me, and way more importantly, way more biblical than endless harps and hammocks in the clouds. Way more exciting.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. And then if you'd have to say what that means for us now, like on a regular Thursday afternoon, can you make it really practical?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. I think it means, number one, you can have a whole lot more purpose in your work and feel much more alive doing the work, whether that's changing diapers or making widgets on your computer. [00:12:37] Because, listen, if earth is our temporary home, as Carrie Underwood likes to say — I love you, Carrie Underwood. I do — then matter doesn't matter, right? Like matter doesn't matter. And my work with matter doesn't matter.
And if that's true, less than 1% of my time matters for eternity. Because I'm willing to bet that our listeners spend less than 1% of their time on spiritual work like evangelism and prayer. But if earth will one day be our perfect and permanent home, then matter has to matter greatly to God. And my spiritual and super material and earthly work has to matter. And if that's true, then 100% of my time matters for eternity. And so what's the response?
I love that you brought up redeeming your time. Redeeming your time is the response. If 100% of my time matters for eternity, I have greater hope for the future, I have greater purpose in the present, and I'm much more motivated to redeem all of my time, to look at every single one of my minutes that I have living in this age as opportunities to glorify God and make things matter in the grand scheme of eternity because I understand that it does matter, and it's not all going to burn up in the end. [00:13:46]
So that's one of the practical responses. We can get uber, uber practical, talking about redeeming your time and how exactly to do that. But at a theological level, if you hold to this idea that earth is our temporary home, you're really saying that 99.9% of your time doesn't matter in the grand scheme of eternity. That's deeply depressing. And praise God, it's also deeply unbiblical.
Laura Dugger: Okay. So a few follow-up questions with that then as well. So all of this matters and is eternally valuable and valuable in this moment. What about our choices then where you could be numbing out on Netflix all night or Instagram or whatever social media, or pouring excellence into the work that you're doing or your family or something more significant. What's the difference between those two options if everything matters?
Jordan Raynor: Everything has the opportunity to matter. Everything matters in the sense that God's going to judge every minute that we spend. [00:14:48] But listen, you could have two people with the exact same job, exact same stage of life, and one of them is wasting it in the grand scheme of eternity.
It matters in the sense that God's going to count it. But we can certainly make our lives matter more for eternity based on how we steward those minutes. Christians have lost this doctrine that Paul makes very clear that every single minute we spend in this life will be judged. Our soul will not be judged. Our soul has been judged (past tense) based on what Christ did on the cross. Praise God, there's no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.
But every believer will stand before the beam of seed of judgment to give an account for how we live this life. And those of us who wasted this life binging Netflix infinitely, you're still going to enter the kingdom of heaven if you were trusting in Christ alone for the forgiveness of your sins. But don't expect a whole lot of rewards when you show up there, right?
The ones who are going to be awarded with treasures in heaven that Jesus talked about, with crowns, with increased job responsibilities on the new earth, see the parable of the minas, are those of us who, like Paul, expended ourselves, spent with all the energy we have to make Christ known in what we make and how we do it and how we live our lives and how we do our work. [00:16:01] That's a response, is to get off of the couch and to get in the game of scratching off glimpses of heaven on earth in the present.
Laura Dugger: I love that. Yes and amen. Somebody previously on The Savvy Sauce called me spicy for asking questions like this. I don't intend it in a controversial way.
Jordan Raynor: Listen, if we're not going to talk about these things, why talk about anything at all? I love spicy questions. Come on.
Laura Dugger: Okay. So I would just love to hear your perspective, Jordan, especially because you have immersed yourself in the word of God and obviously you have the Spirit of God living inside you as well. So when you've wrestled with these ideas, do you find a difference in how this applies to men and women? And I'm specifically thinking about Genesis and work. And I can ask some more follow-up questions, but what would you say to that?
Jordan Raynor: Oh man, I love this question. [00:17:00] I don't get asked this question very much. Listen, is there a distinction? Sure. But not much of one. Adam and Eve were both called to work the garden and to take care of it as partners together in Genesis 1 and 2.
There are tons of women throughout scripture who are celebrated for their engagement in the first commission to fill the earth, so do it and rule. I think maybe the most poignant of them is Luke chapter 8. Luke chapter 8 says, name specific women who were, quote, "helping to support them —it's referring to Jesus and His disciples — out of their own means," end quote.
And based on what we know about Mary Magdalene and some of these other characters. I don't think they had means before they followed Jesus. So the implication is these women went to work, creating value in the marketplace to support Jesus and His followers. [00:18:00]
So all throughout scripture... I'll give you one more. Gosh. You want a case study that celebrates working women? Just go read the book of Exodus, right? Exodus 1 starts with Pharaoh who's looking around and fearful of these Hebrew boys. Why? Because he wasn't afraid of Hebrew girls because they represented no threat to him, right? He's like, Ah, no, it's the boys who are going to rise up and fight against me.
But who does Yahweh use to thwart Pharaoh's plans? Two midwives, working professionals, and a whole bunch of other women all throughout the book of Exodus. If you can't tell, I'm a raging Jesus feminist with three daughters under my roof right now. And so I love that you asked this question.
There are certainly distinctions. And listen, we got to be careful here. There are differences in genders. God-appointed gender. God appointed differences in leadership within the home and within the church, right, which is not popular outside of the church. [00:19:01] But I can't get around God's word here. But both men and women are called all throughout scripture to roll up them sleeves and work hard at the work of the Lord of cultivating creation for His glory and the good of others.
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsor.
[00:19:21] <music>
Sponsor: Sam Leman Chevrolet in Eureka has been owned and operated by the Bertschi family for over 25 years. A lot has changed in the car business since Sam and Stephen's grandfather, Sam Leman, opened his first Chevrolet dealership over 55 years ago. If you visit their dealership today, though, you'll find that not everything has changed. They still operate their dealership like their grandfather did, with honesty and integrity.
Sam and Stephen understand that you have many different choices in where you buy or service your vehicle. This is why they do everything they can to make the car-buying process as easy and hassle-free as possible. They are thankful for the many lasting friendships that began with a simple "Welcome to Sam Lemans". Their customers keep coming back because they experience something different.
I've known Sam and Stephen and their wives my entire life, and I can vouch for their character and integrity, which makes it easy to highly recommend you check them out today. Your car-buying process doesn't have to be something you dread. So come see for yourself at Sam Leman in Chevrolet in Eureka. Sam and Stephen would love to see you, and they appreciate your business.
Learn more at their website, LemanEureka.com, or visit them on Facebook by searching for Sam Leman Eureka. You can also call them at (309) 467-2351. Thanks for your sponsorship.
[00:20:42] <music>
Laura Dugger: I think something I've been wrestling with lately is I wonder what lies Satan is whispering that we're not even aware of. And I think one piece is that it's sinful or unbiblical for women to work, especially to work outside the home. And I know God has a different call on everyone's life. But yeah, could you speak to that? We have four daughters. You have three daughters. This is-
Jordan Raynor: Oh my gosh, if I'm Satan, if I'm Satan, I would love nothing more than to convince 50% of the image of God not to bear God's image outside of the four walls of my home. That sounds like a pretty good strategy. That sounds like a killer strategy, right?
And listen, don't take my opinion for it. Don't take Laura's opinion for it. Go read the Word. I think when you open up God's Word, you're going to see that a lot of these... it's going to expose the lies. [00:21:43] By the way, Satan doesn't just peddle lies through nonbelievers. Just as frequently, I think we could say, Satan is peddling lies through well-intentioned believers. Lies about heaven and the new earth that we just talked about. Lies about work that I grew up believing as we talked about in the beginning of this. And I think lies about the role that women can joyfully and enthusiastically play working inside and outside the home for God's glory and the good of others.
Laura Dugger: So well said. I just completely agree that it's a both-and. They think some people are called inside the home and that is a worthy work, and some are not.
Jordan Raynor: 100%. By the way, my wife works full-time in the home. That is a noble calling that she's chosen for this season. And I'm so appreciative of that. But there have been other seasons where she hasn't chosen that. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
We're so obsessed with black... we're all Pharisees. [00:22:45] We love adding extra regulations and rules on top of God's Word, this extra-biblical junk to make ourselves feel superior to one another. And I think when we get back to the Word, we find a lot more freedom than we find in our churches and our pharisaical structures.
Laura Dugger: Okay, so then you and your wife, I'd love to hear the ages of your daughters and how you two are engaging with them and teaching or discipling them on topics like this.
Jordan Raynor: I've been married to Kara for 15 years now. She's the love of my life. I love her dearly. And we got three little girls. So Ellison is 10, Kate is 8, and Emery, we adopted at birth almost five years ago. It'll be five years, one month from today.
And yeah, discipling them is a challenge and a joy. I think the hardest part is just redeeming the time and making space for intentional time with them. [00:23:50] And we can talk about how we do that if you're interested.
But, you know, practically what discipleship looks like in our home is every morning around the breakfast table, I'm there with the girls memorizing God's word. And not just memorize it, but really talking about it. So take it a week, right? It's like, okay, we love because He first loved us. Who's He? What does that mean? How did Christ show that love to us? And what does it look like practically for us to show that love to others?
So scripture memorization and discussion of the scriptures is a big part of it. Don't hear me saying we do family devotionals. We don't. We're not that put together. We're not that formal. It's really just taking a passage of scripture and hiding it in their hearts and trying to make it as practical and actionable for the day as possible.
Then, two, we talk with our kids a lot. As much as we can, we are pointing them to God and His goodness in regular conversations. It may be specific studies. I'm writing books for kids. So I wrote a book called The Creator in You about the call to create that we see in Genesis 1. [00:24:51] I'm about to publish a second one called The Royal in You about ruling and working with Jesus on the new earth. So we're constantly talking about those themes.
And then also looking for really tactical physical things within the house to point them to Jesus. I'll give one example, then I'll shut up, and or you can follow up on anything you want. I was really convicted by a friend and again, this is at the risk of sounding pharisaical. I'm not saying this is a rule you got to do. This is just working for my family.
I said the word "awesome" like three times in a conversation. He's like, "Hey, only God is awesome." It really stopped me and maybe take stock of my words. I'm like, "Man, there should be a word awesome, amazing, whatever you want, right, whatever works for you works, but there should be a word that we reserve for God alone, right? Even holy. We talk about us being holy as God is holy, right?
And so we just decided we're going to reserve "awesome" for God. [00:25:50] And we put a jar, kind of like a swear jar in people's houses. We put a “not awesome” jar in the middle of our living room. And every time somebody says something's awesome, other than God, we have to put a buck in it. And then we donate that money to an orphanage that we love supporting.
But Laura, that sounds silly and really trivial, but guess what? In the last week, it's given me, I don't know, 15 opportunities to talk about how Jesus is better than any creative thing. Man, I'll do that all day long. I'm constantly looking for little things like that to latch on to, to talk about God's goodness, to talk about His awesomeness, and talk about the role that He's called us to play in bringing heaven to earth.
Laura Dugger: Wow. No, that doesn't sound silly at all. Actually, it just is in line with these themes, intentional in our work, intentional in our time, intentional in our words, and that matters.
Jordan Raynor: I love John Tyson and his book, The Intentional Father. [00:26:54] I'm the overly intentional father. I am too intentional. And that will show up in this conversation, I promise.
Laura Dugger: No, we celebrate that around here for sure. That was kind of my follow-up question you just alluded to, being intentional. Was it with getting time with your daughters? Do you and Kara have a system for that?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. Yeah, we do. Listen, this isn't going to come as a surprise to anybody listening. Our phones are enemy number one in our fight for deep work that we do in front of the laptop, but also the deep work of discipleship with our kids. And maybe the biggest game changer of my life and discipling my kids is that my kids never, almost never see me on my phone inside of my house. Outside my house for direction, sure.
I track this. I log every day that they see me. The last 90 days, my kids have seen me on my phone one time, inside of my house. [00:27:52] You better believe they know that dad loves them, but more importantly, it gives me more intentional space to be with them without being distracted.
And I know that sounds impossible to listeners. So let me give you five steps for cultivating this. If you want to do this, you're like, man, yeah, I would love to put my phone down for an hour and not think about it. Five steps. It's really simple to do, but it's going to take a lot of courage.
Number one, choose ahead of time when you want to check your texts and emails and asynchronous messages, right? It could be every hour. It could be on a, maybe say it's 10 a.m., 12 p.m., 2 p.m., 4 p.m., 6 p.m. That's it. Whatever.
Step two, build a list of VIPs who will have access to it all times and not just those predetermined times. So my VIPs are my wife, my kids' school, my assistant. It's pretty much it. Step three, pull out your phone and add all of your VIPs to your Favorites list if you're an iOS user or "Your people" list, if you're an Android user, that way, when you use just the basic out-of-the-box, do not disturb settings on your phone, only calls from those people come through. [00:28:57] Not their texts, not their emails, not every Instagram notification of people liking yet another picture of your dog, just phone calls from your VIPs.
Step four, you got to set clear expectations with your VIPs about your new response time. You send them a very simple message like this. I actually give you the template in the Redeeming Your Time book, but this is the gist. "Hey, I'm trying to be more focused with my kids at home." I know by the way, also at work, especially if you're sending this to your boss. "Here's how you can help me from now on. I'm only checking emails, texts, etc., at X, Y, and Z times. However, you're a VIP in my life. And so if you need me more urgently than that, do not text me, I won't see it. Don't email me. I won't see it. But if you call me on my cell, I'll answer every single time that I can."
Last step, step five, put your phone away for an hour and a half at a time. When you're with your kids, keep your phone out of sight, out of mind. For mine, I keep it in my master bathroom. It's on "do not disturb". I turn the ringer on. [00:29:58]
And here's what happens. I actually spent two and a half hours apart from my phone at nighttime from 5 to seven 30 p.m. every single night. And functionally what I've done is I've turned my cell phone into a landline, right? If the phone rings, I can go in there and see what VIP is calling and decide whether or not I want to answer it. But in all that other time, I am fully focused on my kids and the conversations I'm having with them about their day.
Laura, it's been a total, total game changer for me and for thousands and thousands of readers of Redeeming Your Time. This is one of 32 practices in the book, and I'm willing to bet it's probably in the top five of reader favorites.
Laura Dugger: Well, and I can see why that's incredible. And I'm curious, Jordan, do you know Joey Odom with Aro?
Jordan Raynor: I know Joey. I talked to Joey yesterday. I love Joey Odom.
Laura Dugger: Okay. He's wonderful. So we will link to an episode that he did on The Savvy Sauce. [00:31:00] If you're looking for more practical ways as well, like you said, putting your phone away, he just can contribute. I think that partners nicely.
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. And if you don't know Aro, go check out the episode. But basically it's an app on your phone. It's also a physical box that you can put the phone in. And it basically gamifies what I just explained.
So instead of me being accountable to care of my kids, I could theoretically share with my friends, "Hey, I spent two and a half hours today apart from my phone. Here's a screenshot of the evidence. I love what Joey and their team are doing. It's incredible.
Laura Dugger: And like you said, this is just one of the helpful suggestions in Redeeming Your Time. My husband and I have both benefited so much from that book.
Jordan Raynor: I love it. Thank you.
Laura Dugger: Well, yes. And thank you. But I'd love for you to walk us through the topics and the questions that we ask ourselves as we metaphorically go floor by floor through the building of intentional living.
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. Yeah. It's a great question. [00:32:00] You're asking about chapter four of the book, where I'm talking about prioritizing our yeses. And we hear about all these different terms when it comes to setting priorities. We talk about mission statements and callings and long-term goal, whatever. I just found it necessary for myself to bake the cake and put it all together. Be like, okay, give me one simple framework for thinking about all these things and how they connect to each other.
And so the metaphor I use in the book is this five-story building where on the fifth floor, the very top of this hotel, whatever you envision this building being is your mission in life that is over everything else. Listen, there are people selling books left and right, helping you discern the mission for your life. I'll let you off the hook for having to buy those. Listen, you didn't make yourself and so you don't get to choose the mission of your life. God does. Here's the mission of your life: to glorify God, period, full stop, right?
Now God in this goodness has given us a lot of freedom to choose the callings on the fourth floor of how we will live out that mission. But that's your mission, right? [00:33:05] So mission, fifth floor; fourth floor, next level down is callings. So I am called right now to be a husband, to be a father, and to be the CEO of Jordan Raynor company and create this content. That's it. I've chosen three callings, right?
The next level down are long-term goals. This is level three of the building, okay? Long-term goals. I am the biggest believer in the world in setting the biggest possible long-term goals, because in my experience, that's what helps me say no. If I have really small goals, I am getting sucked into the thick of thin things every single time.
So I would argue Christ's power should be setting the biggest long-term goals on the planet. By long-term, I'm talking at least a year, more likely three to five years, setting those long-term goals for each of your callings.
Then the next level down are short-term goals, which whatever works for you works. Maybe you want to set goals on a weekly basis, monthly basis. I love the quarterly cadence. [00:34:05] Every three months, looking at my long-term goals and setting quarterly goals that are attached to that.
And then the bottom floor, the first floor of this metaphorical building are what I call projects and actions. This is the tactical stuff. This is your to-do list born out of mission calling, long-term goals, short-term goals.
Okay. What are the specific projects and actions that I need to execute against over the next seven days, over the next quarter to make progress towards those goals? And then, as you know, Laura, there's a secret sixth floor to this building, which it doesn't deserve to be called a floor. It's the basement.
And this is what I call posteriorities. And this might be the most important. This is everything else that falls outside of what's already on my plate professionally and what falls under those short-term goals. Everything else goes into the basement of my mind in this metaphorical building. [00:35:05]
And so in my to-do list app, what I call my commitment tracking system, all of those projects and actions literally go in a separate folder called "Someday" that I only look at every 90 days. Once every 90 days, I look at that, decide if there's anything I want to pull out and work on over the next 90 days. But for the other, what is that, 89 days and a quarter, all of those things are out of sight, out of mind, so that I can fully focus on the work that I believe that God has called me to execute against over the next three months.
Laura Dugger: So good. Again, and these 90 days, let's zoom in on that. We also share a passion for the quarterly time, even the brain science behind it, that your brain can only be reminded and to hang on to a goal for 90 days. What does yours actually look like in these 90 days? Can you give us some examples in your own life of a goal for your calling and then ground floor what that looks like? [00:36:08]
Jordan Raynor: Yeah, I would be happy to. I'll show you some quarterly goals for the family. I got personal and professional short-term goals, quarterly goals. Here's a personal one. I really love the OKR framework, which if you're not familiar with it, Google made this famous, stands for objectives and key results.
So objectives are aspirational. They're the what you want to accomplish. And the key results are measurable and they tell you whether or not you reached the what. So, for example, this quarter, personally, objective. Strengthen my point of view on youth sports and whether or not it is in line with our family's goal to love like Jesus.
This one's going to hit for our audience. I have a feeling. Key result number one: read three credible articles from youth sports advocates and three articles from Detractors. [00:37:10]
Key result number two, post questions on this topic to at least two godly friends who have had their kids in serious youth sports and two who have intentionally chosen not to.
And then key result number three, draft a summary of my point of view on this topic and deliver it to Kara by December 31st.
All right. Let me give you a professional example. In this quarter, yeah, I'll share this, whatever. This is a little inside baseball, but it's fun. I can't say the name of it, but the objective is to sell my first TV show to Netflix or Amazon.
We're currently shopping a project right now. I actually only have one key result for this and it's to get one yes or three nos from A-list actors to agree to play the starring role in this show. So that's how I'll know. That's the progress I'm going to make towards that goal.
So that's just a couple of examples from my life. I obsess over this quote from Bill Gates though. I think this would be helpful for our listeners. [00:38:10] Gates once said that we human beings have the tendency to vastly overestimate what we can accomplish in a short period of time, i.e. a quarter, and vastly underestimate what we can do in a decade with what Eugene Peterson called long obedience in the same direction, right?
So if you take one thing from this conversation on goals, take that from Bill Gates. What you can get done in three months is virtually nothing, right? So set your goals accordingly. But what you can get done in a decade with long obedience in the same direction, you're not doing it, God's doing it through you is incredible.
Laura Dugger: I just wanted to let you know, there are now multiple ways to give when you visit TheSavvySauce.com. We now have a donation button on our website and you can find it under the donate page, which is under the tab entitled Support. Our mailing address is also provided if you would prefer to save us the processing fee and send a check that is tax deductible. [00:39:14]
Either way, you'll be supporting the work of Savvy Sauce charities and helping us continue to reach the nations with the good news of Jesus Christ. Make sure you visit TheSavvySauce.com today. Thanks for your support.
These examples are so helpful. I love practical examples because it helps me envision how to begin applying what I want to put into practice after a conversation like this one. My husband, Mark, and I will oftentimes reflect and look back on times that have been transformational in our lives. Typically, it's from practical application, you have to apply it, that leads to transformation. So, Jordan, will you give us maybe three to five habits or time savers or general best ways to steward our time?
Jordan Raynor: Oh, man, I'd love to. Honestly, the biggest one for me I've already shared, which is just taking control of when you check your messages. I cannot stress that enough. [00:40:19]
Let me give you a couple others. One, you want to do your most exceptional work, you've got to be getting a seven to eight-hour nightly sleep opportunity. The easiest way to practically do it is to just set a consistent bedtime. Most people have a fixed time at which they wake up, so it's simple math, right? Subtract from that, go back eight hours, that's your bedtime.
Gosh, you might not like the science. Trust me, I don't like the science, but the science is settled on this one. Most, 99% of human beings need seven to eight hours of sleep at night. That's a game-changer for me.
Honestly, weekly Sabbath has been a game-changing habit for me and my family that I think has made us much more productive in our goals.
I'll give you another one. Do one new thing at a time. In your work, in your life, you probably have a lot of recurring responsibilities based on work that you've created over the years. [00:41:19] With whatever time you have left over, the worst mistake, in my experience, that you can make is to try to do five new initiatives at once. You do one new thing at a time until it's done, and then when it's done, you move on to the next thing.
I'm trying to think of some other ones from the book. Yeah, I'll say this one. This is one of my favorite practices. It takes two seconds to start, but again, it takes a lot of courage. Quit the news cold turkey and let your friends curate the news for you. Why? How is this connected to time management, people ask me?
It could not be more relevant because all of this external noise is creating a lot of internal noise that blocks your ability to be loving, to think, to be creative, and listen to the voice of God. I know because I was the ultimate news junkie until eight years ago when I quit cold turkey. You know what happened when I quit cold turkey? Nothing. Nothing negative happened. [00:42:21]
What did happen is my friends started telling me about everything that I cared about, voluntarily. They have no idea they're doing this, but they're bringing me this. I spot-check from time to time. I'll go to CNN.com and say, did I really miss anything? Nope. 99% of the news is still totally irrelevant to my life and work. Great. Man, that's been a game-changer for me, Laura.
Laura Dugger: I did love that one about let your friends curate the news for you. Just one other follow-up. I want to circle back to the quarterly. Just as we're talking about practical application, how can someone start doing, if that's their first goal is to maybe plan something quarterly? How do you have a system in place to revisit these things every 90 days and what does that look like?
Jordan Raynor: That's a great question. I take a quarterly retreat. Ideally, this is for at least one night. Sometimes when things are really crazy, I just have to take a day to go do it. In that quarterly retreat, I'm doing a few things. [00:43:20]
First, I am just journaling the game that God has already produced in my work, the good things He's already done over the last three months.
Two, I'm just taking time to worship Him and praise Him for that. Remember that not only did I not deserve anything for the last three months, I certainly don't deserve anything over the next three months. It's putting me in this humble position of recognizing that the only thing I deserve is death due my sin. God has given me Christ and way more, and that puts me in a much healthier heart position to dream about what's next.
Then third step, I just journal off the top of my head without looking at any prompts what I think is most important over the next three months. I don't look at my to-do list because what's most important should be readily apparent to me. I shouldn't have to look at anything, right?
Number four, I review journal entries from the last 90 days as well as my to-do list to refine that journal entry about what I thought was most important. Maybe I forgot, oh yeah, Jordan, you're releasing a book in the next quarter. [00:44:25] We got to get ready for that or six months from now, whatever it is.
Then five, I am taking a first stab at drafting those objectives and key results. My rule is no more than five objectives in a given quarter and no more than five key results for each objective, which could mean 25 key results.
Most of the time for me, I wind up at one to three objectives total and one to, oh man, like 10 max key results in a quarter. Most recently, I've had between one and three key results, that's it, that I'm focused on the next 90 days.
Oh, by the way, I've been crushing it. The fewer key results that I'm setting, the quicker I'm getting my goals done. The last two quarters, I've hit my goals early for the quarter and I've had to go into that someday folder and pull new things out because I've gotten everything done. That feels great. [00:45:28]
Laura Dugger: That's incredible. That does feel great to get to check that off and go to the next thing. I want to see how people can apply this, but first also, maybe Sabbath is more so something that grabbed them. So can you share just a little glimpse of what that looks like? Because you said that's one of your most impactful habits.
Jordan Raynor: Oh yeah, absolutely. Sabbath starts with work, right? You got to work hard and work well if you want to be able to rest well. Maybe helpful to think about this, I'm doing all the work for two days in one. So we have chosen to enjoy the gift of Sabbath. Notice I didn't say observe Sabbath because that connotes life-sucking legalism.
We enjoy the gift of Sabbath from Saturday dinner time until Sunday dinner time. So Saturday afternoon, we are going through our Sabbath prep checklist. That includes cleaning up the house, picking everything up so we're not distracted, packing bags and waters for church the next day, making a plan for Sabbath. [00:46:33] So who do we want to hang out with? Texting and coordinating those plans ahead of time so we're not attached to our phones on Sabbath itself, doing laundry, running the dishwasher.
And then when we get to the end, I'm sending my phone on a 24-hour vacation. So I mentioned spending two and a half hours apart from my phone each night. On Sabbath, it is on airplane mode for 24 hours.
Then we kick off Sabbath by just feasting. So Sabbath to us is... I love how Kevin DeYoung put it. It's an island of get-to and a sea of have-to. We try to do nothing on that I have to-do list and only things on that get to-do list.
So that starts a feasting on some of our favorite foods. We get takeout. So cleanup's really easy. So we're Chewy's Mexican or good Chinese food, whatever. We light a candle to kick off Sabbath so that it always smells like Sabbath in my house, which is usually pumpkin pecan waffles, even when it's like July in Florida, which makes no sense. [00:47:33]
Then Saturday night's pretty chill, watching a little bit of TV with the kids, whatever. They're going to bed. On Sunday, this is my one day a week where I sleep in. My wife sleeps in the other six days of the week. I sleep in, Kara gets up with the kids. It's the one day a week of the week where they get to watch a full-length movie, which they're super pumped about, and don't judge me, drink coffee. So they get to drink coffee on Sabbath.
My kids wake up super early, so they can finish the movie before church. On the way to church is one of my favorite traditions where we stop and get donuts on the way and the whole drive we're talking about what we're thankful for from the past week. So just looking back, what are we grateful for? And then what do we want to adore God for about His character based on what He's done and what we've seen Him do and what we're thankful for the past week?
We then go feast on the word with our church family and then come back, have lunch at the house. We don't do the lunch after church thing to us. That's a little exhausting. [00:48:31] So we come home, have lunch here.
And then Sunday afternoons are pretty chill. A lot of times we're just playing games or swimming in the pool. This past Sunday, we went for a walk and let the kids climb some trees. But just a day to slow down and catch up to our souls and just be and remind ourselves that we are loved and valued, even when we're not being productive, that our heavenly Father does not need us. He wants us to quote my friend, [Scott Jotani? 00:49:05] And man, it's been a total game-changer.
I'll end with this. I saw a mentor who I hadn't seen in years. I think this was last summer. And we were on vacation in Rhode Island. I talked to my mentor for about an hour and he texted me after I left his house and he's like, "Hey, you seem way more rested than I saw you the last five years ago." And it's not vacation rest. He called that out. He's like, "This is not vacation rest. What is this?" I was like, "It's Sabbath." He's like, "That's what I thought. That's what I thought."
People can feel it. People know when they're in the presence of somebody who is living and working out of a Sabbath rest. So I would encourage you to try it. Treat it as an experiment. Don't say, "We're going to do this for the rest of our lives. Try it for four weeks. Try it for six weeks. Give it a shot. And I think you'll be blown away at how healthy it is, both for your soul and for the goals that you're chasing after the rest of the week. [00:50:10]
Laura Dugger: Okay. Challenge accepted. So great. So then bringing this home for someone, if they need to get quiet, get with the Lord, and just see what's bubbling up for them, do you have any other recommended Scripture, places to start, or questions for reflection or anything just to point us in the right direction?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. I would just point you to the Gospels and the way of Jesus. We read Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John almost exclusively for their theology and the ethic of Jesus and they certainly have a lot to say about that. But as my friend John Mark Comer has pointed out, the Gospels are also biographies of Jesus' life. And I don't know about you, but I want to redeem my time in the model of my Redeemer. He is the key to the whole thing.
By the way, even non-Christians can get on board with this. I'll tell non-Christians all the time, like, hey, Christian or not... pretty hard to dispute that Jesus was the most productive person to ever walk the earth. [00:51:09] And we know how He managed His time. And no, the Gospels don't show Him with a to-do list or a smartphone, but they show Him dealing with distractions at work. One time a guy literally dropped through the roof over Jesus' head while He was working and preaching. Unless that's happening to you, you're not more distracted than Jesus was, right?
They show Him seeking to be busy without being hurried. They show Him having to dissent from the kingdom of noise to think. And so, man, you want to redeem your time toward eternal ends? Look to the author of time, Jesus of Nazareth in the Gospel biographies.
Laura Dugger: This has been incredible to lay the foundation for our own lives, which is great to put into practice first. But as we're tying it all up to, how can we pass along this wisdom to our children?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah. Number one, just talk about the biblical narrative of work and productivity that your kids are probably not hearing in Sunday school. [00:52:11] I know because I see the Sunday school curriculum. I'm an elder in our church. They're not seeing it.
Point them to Genesis 1 and 2. Point them to the fact that we worship a God who works and created us to work and be productive and redeem our time in His image. And you can do that through Genesis 1 and 2. You can fast forward to Revelation 21 and 22 and Isaiah 65 that talks about work and productivity for eternity on the new earth.
Then I do have a couple of picture books that I wrote for kids as a tool, as a resource for you to communicate the why of redeeming your time, the why of work to your kids. They're called The Creator in You, which is this artistic interpretation of Genesis 1 and 2, and The Royal in You, which is the opposite book into scripture in Revelation 21 and 22.
And my prayer for this book is that it will... your kids may not admit this to you, but if they're anything like I was as a kid, if they're anything like my kids used to be, your kids view heaven with confusion, boredom, and maybe even fear. [00:53:18] And that's tragic because God's word replaces all of that with biblical clarity, excitement, and hope.
And that's my prayer for this book, that based on God's word, it would expand the vision of kids and, frankly, grownups to view heaven in the new earth with that clarity, excitement, and hope, all to God's greater glory and our greater joy.
Laura Dugger: A worthy vision indeed. We will certainly link to those resources in the show notes. Jordan, this time has been so enjoyable, but I still have one question for you because we are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or discernment. And so as my final question for you today, what is your Savvy Sauce?
Jordan Raynor: Yeah, honestly, I've shared a lot of the practical answers to that. We started the conversation theological, went practical, let's end theological. My savvy sauce lately is that I spend a lot of time thinking about where I see myself professionally in five million years, not five years like you were asked in a job interview. [00:54:30]
Because again, God's word promises that we will work free from the curse of sin. And here's why, and here's how this connects to redeeming the time. The more that I've meditated on that promise of long enjoying the work of my hands, I am far less hurried in the present.
Because I spent years, Laura, worrying about finishing my life's work, of getting it all done. I got to get past this business because I still want to do X, Y, and Z in my life, right? But knowing that I'm going to have eternity to work for God's glory, I am free from all of those burdens and just so much less hurried because here's what's going to happen.
When I die with unfinished symphonies, and all of us will die with unfinished symphonies and to-do lists, either God is number one, going to tap somebody else on the shoulder and have them pick up that work and finish it, praise God. [00:55:29] Number two, He's going to finish that work by himself with no human involvement, praise God. Or number three, when I arise from the nap that is death, God in his goodness and generosity will put that unfinished symphony back in my hands and give me the joy of finishing it free from the curse of sin, praise God.
Either way, I don't lose. If the things on my to-do list are on God's to-do list, He will finish them. And as I've thought about that and work on the new earth, it has just been radical in slowing me down and recognizing that eternity is now in session and I don't have to finish it all before I die. It's been a tremendous gift that the Lord has given me. So I would encourage our listeners to do the same.
Laura Dugger: Yes. Well, Jordan, clearly God has gifted you with being a vision caster, a visionary, a leader, and I just appreciate this conversation is oozed with your love of Kara and your daughters and our Lord and has been, like you said, theological and practical. [00:56:41] I just have learned so much. So thank you for being intentional about redeeming your time. It really is a way that you are loving others and loving God well, and I just appreciate you. So thank you for being my guest.
Jordan Raynor: Thank you, Laura.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. [00:57:43] This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Feb 24, 2025
Monday Feb 24, 2025
Special Patreon Re-Release: God, Sex, and Your Marriage: Interview with Dr. Juli Slattery
*DISCLAIMER* This interview includes some adult themes and is not intended for young ears.
**Transcription Below**
Matthew 9:37 (NIV) "Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few."
Questions we discuss:
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For many couples, sex can be a difficult area of marriage and you encourage people that is normal, but you also warn us not to confuse normal with healthy. What is normal for married couples and what is healthy, as it relates to sexual intimacy in marriage?
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What is God's genius chemical cocktail that we experience during sex?
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Will you give a brief overview of your four pillars of intimacy?
Dr. Juli Slattery is a clinical psychologist, author, speaker and broadcast media professional with over twenty-five years of experience counseling, and teaching women. She’s the president and co-founder of Authentic Intimacy, a unique ministry devoted to teaching God’s design for intimacy and sexuality. In 2020, Juli launched SexualDiscipleship.com, a platform designed to help Christian leaders navigate sexual issues and questions with gospel-centered truth. She hosts a weekly podcast, Java with Juli, where she answers tough questions about relationships, marriage, and spiritual, emotional and sexual intimacy. www.authenticintimacy.com
Other Episodes with Dr. Juli Slattery on The Savvy Sauce:
Passion Pursuit with Dr. Juli Slattery
Patreon 26 Holy Sex with Dr. Juli Slattery
Life-Giving Marriage with Dr. Juli Slattery
Connect with The Savvy Sauce on Facebook or Instagram or Our Website
Please help us out by sharing this episode with a friend, leaving a 5-star rating and review, and subscribing to this podcast!
Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
**Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Today's message is not intended for little ears. We'll be discussing some adult themes, and I want you to be aware before you listen to this message.
I'm grateful for today's sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Check them out online to place your order for dining or catering, or to fill out an application to join their friendly team. Visit cfaeastpeoria.com.
Hey friends, I wanted to share some exciting news with you. Savvy Sauce Charities has officially received our confirmation from the IRS that all donations are tax deductible. I know that we have super generous listeners, so we wanted to let you know you can now mail your check to Savvy Sauce Charities, P.O. Box 101, Roanoke, Illinois, 61561. Thanks in advance for supporting Savvy Sauce Charities. [00:01:24]
And now I'm pleased to share this episode with you that used to only be available to paying patrons. Dr. Juli Slattery is my returning guest today. She has written another fantastic book entitled God, Sex, and Your Marriage. And now she's going to give us a healthy vision for sexual intimacy in marriage and share actionable ways that we can grow in maturity and delight and health in our relationship with our spouse.
Here's our chat.
Welcome back to The Savvy Sauce, Dr. Juli.
Dr Juli Slattery: Oh, thanks so much for having me.
Laura Dugger: Well, even from the get-go on the dedication page of your book, you dedicate it to your brothers and sisters in Christ, some who have labored before you, and some who now work alongside you in reclaiming God's design for sex. You quote the last part of Matthew 9:37, when you say, "The field is ripe for the harvest, but the laborers are few." [00:02:28] Will you elaborate on what you mean by this?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. I think within the field of Christian sexuality, there are things that we can disagree on. Some of those conversations can be characterized by looking back at what people have written before and being critical of that or looking at the ways that we disagree today on different topics and how we apply the scriptures.
So as I was wrapping up this book, I just have such a heart for unity in the body of Christ and recognize that there are so few people that really want to see God reclaim biblical sexuality, that I just want us to link arms and to work together, to learn from each other, to give honor to each other, and just to be in the trenches, like encouraging one another, instead of focusing on maybe where we differ. [00:03:25]
So that's kind of the heart of it, as well as just a gratitude for the people that have gone before us, the people that were speaking and writing on this topic over the last few decades. Again, I think we're looking back and saying purity culture was horrible and, you know, like just be with more of a critical eye, which we need to learn from the past. But I think, you know, I just really want to have a spirit of graciousness and unity as we say, Hey, we're kind of working off of the shoulders of the people who have been really pioneers in this field.
Laura Dugger: I think that goal of unity is such a worthy one. For so many couples, sex can be a difficult area of marriage. And you write that this is very normal, but you also warn us not to confuse normal with healthy. You go on to write, and I'll just quote it here, "Just consider that the normal American is overweight, overstimulated, exhausted, and lonely." [00:04:29] So, Juli, from your perspective, what is normal for married couples and what is healthy as it relates to sexual intimacy in marriage?
Dr. Juli Slattery: I would say normal is a lot of conflict around sex, frustration, unfulfilled desires, lack of communication. They don't know how to talk about sex or navigate conflict around just differences. I think it's normal for there to be some level of pornography in a marriage. One or both of the individuals bringing in a history of pornography and a struggle with pornography. I think it's normal to have a lot of confusion and shame just around being a sexual person.
So those are all sort of the normal barometer of what I see as I talk to married Christian couples. Again, I think there's peace in knowing, okay, we have good company around us. We're not the only couple struggling with these things, but I also don't want that to be a message that things should just stay the way they are. [00:05:35]
Laura Dugger: I love that. Can you elaborate then on what is healthy?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. So healthy is sort of the opposite of what I've mentioned. Healthy is that there's healthy, regular communication around sex. So a couple can talk about not just how often they want to have sex, but the deeper issues of what does sex represent for me as an individual? What does it represent for us as a couple? Being able to talk through things from the past, past wounds and shame, and being able to seek the Lord together. It's healthy to honor each other in their sexual relationship, honor the differences that they might be bringing of sexual desire and what they're hoping for in their sexual relationship, navigating together the challenges that they face, but navigating as a team.
So the challenges of we have no energy because we're exhausted with little kids or the challenges of one of us might be working through some trauma from the past, the challenges of how do we address the pornography in our marriage and how do we learn to enjoy each other within our own covenant? [00:06:46]
So those are kind of the markers of a healthy sex life. I don't think there are many couples who would just say automatically, we were there when we first got married. But unfortunately, I think there are also not a lot of couples who would say we're actually working towards those goals. Instead, we have a tendency to just kind of stay stuck where we are.
Laura Dugger: I think an obvious answer would be that communication is going to help us move in that direction of health. But if this healthy vision sounds wonderful, how do people actually engage in this? What are a few of the first steps they can take?
Dr. Juli Slattery: I think one of the first steps is just really broadening your horizon of what God created sex to be. And really, it's taking a step back and asking yourself the question, what do you think a good sex life is actually supposed to look like from a Christian standpoint? [00:07:45]
I think it's fascinating for couples to have that conversation and, first of all, to see where they differ in their understanding of what a good sex life is meant to be, but also where they struggle to flesh it out because there just hasn't been a lot of great teaching on, how do we as a couple even have the same goals related to our sex life.
That was the main reason why I wrote God, Sex, and Your Marriage was to give Christian married couples a vision for what God created sex to be and to have them together agree on, here's what our mature sex life is meant to look like and we want to start working toward that. But if you don't know what you're working toward, then you're just going to stay stuck.
Laura Dugger: I appreciate resources like this. If anybody's listened to any of our other topics on sexual intimacy on The Savvy Sauce, you know that we recommend reading a book, ideally with each other. But even if it's just you reading it yourself, there's so much to glean. [00:08:49] And like you said, Juli, you're casting this vision.
But then even as you read this aloud to one another or you each read a chapter and then come together and discuss, it gets you comfortable talking about this language and it brings up even more questions like you just mentioned that can be natural conversation starters.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, that's a great suggestion for every married couple, including myself and my husband. I guess something that we've tried to do throughout our marriage is to be reading a book on sex together, preferably, as you mentioned, out loud, because it really does get you comfortable in terms of just what language to use and what it's like to have a conversation around sex.
Laura Dugger: Absolutely. So just really, I've thought this so many times, but thank you for the labor and the work you put into putting this resource together so that we have an option that we can trust.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, well, I think we tend to write the books that we would want to read. So, yeah, a lot of it has just come out of our own journey. [00:09:49]
Laura Dugger: Well, and I agree with another point that you make in the book when you talk about sex being so important to God and so we can expect it to constantly be under spiritual attack. So will you just tell us more about that idea?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. I think the average Christian, as you look at the cultural landscape, there's no question that sex is under attack and that we see it distorted and we see it being such a confusing topic for our kids, for just our culture. We can recognize that and we can look at different ways that sex is being used against us in our world today, but we're less likely to see how that's happening within our own marriages.
But I think just being aware of the fact that Satan hates everything God made as beautiful, and sex is such a powerful picture of God's covenant love, of the fact that he created us for intimate unity. That Satan really wants to twist that. And he'll do it any way he can. [00:10:56] He'll do it through shame. He'll do it through us even having a very limited perspective of what sex should be. He'll do it through dividing you and having sex be the main source of conflict in your marriage. He'll do it through pornography and marital affairs and betrayal.
I think we have to be on the lookout and say, hey, this really is a spiritual terrain, not just in the world at large, but it's a spiritual terrain within my own heart and within our marriage.
Laura Dugger: But then you don't leave us there with that message of attack because in that same chapter you conclude with this quote: "God's power to redeem is greater than Satan's power to destroy." So, Juli, how have you seen that practically played out in couples' lives?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Boy, I've just been so blessed to see that played out over and over again. In the ministry that I run, Authentic Intimacy, we've been doing this for a decade now. [00:11:56] I can't explain it, but all I can tell you is that when an individual or a couple begins to really get God's perspective of sexuality, when they alone or together begin to surrender this area of their life to God, you just see change, you see healing, you see redemption, you see freedom where there once was shame and lies.
It's commonplace in our ministry to see that, which is amazing because every life that's redeemed really is a work of God. But the scripture says that His word doesn't return void, but it accomplishes what it's sent out to do. And I get to see that. I get to see that as couples are healing and recovering from betrayal, as people are looking to get set free from pornography, as people are trying to navigate the impact of past trauma and what that's done to their sex life, as couples are confronting some of the anger or bitterness or selfishness that have developed over the years because of their differences and sexual desire. [00:13:03] I've just gotten to see all those sort of things redeemed by God's power, and sex starts to become something that really does unify a husband and wife together.
Laura Dugger: Well, that makes so much sense because I've been convicted so many times and had to be reminded when God will gently call me back to Himself where I've shared a struggle with my husband, or if I'm questioning something in parenting and I'm just thinking on it and ruminating on it, God will gently remind me, come to Me with this, share with Me. And in the same way, with the topic of sex, you're encouraging us in this book to invite God to fight for us, and it's really His strength and power that can heal us in this sacred space.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. It makes so much sense, Laura. But in reality, I think most of us kind of bar God from our sex lives. We don't realize we do it, but we never praise a married couple about our sex lives.[00:14:07] We never invite God into our shame. We never even think or want to think about the fact that He's present with us in the bedroom because that sort of creeps us out.
But if you're trying to fight a spiritual battle with your own strength and you're barring God's presence from that place, then you're not going to win it. I had to confront this in my own life in marriage many years ago. I didn't realize how much I was doing that, but I think because the church has been so silent on sex over the years, we just naturally have this sort of separate category of sexuality where God doesn't enter. So, boy, what a powerful thing to begin surrendering this to the Lord and asking for His wisdom and His help.
Laura Dugger: Powerful indeed. I remember one wife shared with me they don't pray together about sex out loud, but she has prayed before, even when they're in the act, and just shared real-time, Okay, Lord, I'm having a really hard time experiencing orgasm, and I would love to experience that today, so can you help me get there?" [00:15:16] And she said the results have been incredible. And I just think He cares so much about every detail of our lives that I love that story and what she shared because I think it shows His heart that He wants to share delight with us, and He's created this.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, it brings God honor and pleasure when a married couple enjoys sex to the fullest because that's what He created it for. I think somehow we've bought this lie that God's embarrassed of our sexuality or it's a necessary evil, instead of it being something that we clearly see in the Song of Solomon and Proverbs chapter 5 and other places in Scripture that God delights in this. He created sex for this purpose.
And part of fighting the spiritual battle that we face in our world is reclaiming the ground of what sex looks like in our marriage. And so there are a lot of people who are frustrated at what's happening to their kids or what's happening to our culture, but at the same time they don't fight for godly sexuality within the space of their own bedroom. [00:16:22] And that really is where the battle begins, is in our own hearts and our own lives.
Laura Dugger: Well, let's now discuss the four pillars of intimacy, and hopefully you can just give a brief overview of each. Beginning with faithfulness and specifically, why do you write that holy jealousy is good?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. If I can back up just for a minute, the whole premise of this book is that God created sex within marriage to be a form of revelation. Like through marriage and sexuality, the Scripture says God is revealing to us what his covenant love is like. And we see that in the Old Testament in God's covenant relationship with Israel and how often He used language of marriage and sexuality as a metaphor to explain His love for Israel.
Then in the New Testament we see the same thing happen with Jesus' relationship with the church. We see all this bridal language, intimacy language, sexual language to express what covenant looks like between Christ and His bride. [00:17:35] And I know for a lot of people that's sort of a mind shift, but if you can think about it this way, God creates the physical world in order to reveal Himself to us. So God has created marriage and sexuality as a form of revelation to reveal for us this special relationship of covenant.
So what I did with these four pillars of covenant love is say, OK, if God's love, if His covenant love is like this, then this is what defines a healthy sex life. So I broke down these four aspects of God's love for His covenant people and then applied it to sexuality.
So the first pillar that I talk about there is faithfulness. That faithfulness is the very foundation of any covenant. That a covenant isn't a relationship that's based on what feels good or what I feel like doing in the moment. It's a relationship based on your character, on your promise.
Part of that is that within covenant you have a sacred sense of belonging to each other. And so there is a holy jealousy within covenant. [00:18:43] And we see this in God's relationship with Israel where God actually says, My name is jealous. I am jealous for you. I'm a jealous God. And when you worship other gods, I'm angry.
That seems to be true within the covenant of marriage, that sexually we belong to each other exclusively, and there should be a healthy anger, protectiveness, and even jealousy if that exclusivity isn't honored. So, Laura, for example, I was talking to a woman who her marriage was in bad shape. There had been conflict over many years, there had been pornography addiction, and her husband cheated on her. And she said, "I was so dead that I wasn't even angry. My love for him was so dead that I didn't even get mad." [00:19:43] You'd be like, "Why would she not get mad? Is that a sign of health to not get mad when your husband cheats?" No. That's a sign of a very dysfunctional relationship, of a covenant that's dead.
So a healthy marriage means that we fight for each other and we protect our sexual relationship and that if there is a violation, then there is reason to be upset,there is reason to be angry. I think this is so key that we talk about you really can't build anything else in your sex life if you don't have faithfulness. That's the bare minimum foundation.
Laura Dugger: And now a brief message from our sponsors.
[00:20:25] <music>
Sponsor: I want to say thank you to our longtime sponsor, Chick-fil-A East Peoria. I hope that you've already downloaded the Chick-fil-A app. Because did you know that with the app you can skip the line and have food ready for you when you arrive? This is one of my favorite options when I'm taking my four daughters to Chick-fil-A East Peoria. Download the Chick-fil-A app today and start earning points toward free rewards that are fully customized to your preferences and tastes.
Chick-fil-A was named as one of Glassdoor's best places to work in the nation. That's a huge honor. And one team member even wrote, "No comparison. This is a great job for a first job, extra money, or for career advancement. Such a loving environment, great management, and fair pay." Chick-fil-A believes that the local and involved ownership ensures fostering an environment where you are known, challenged, and cared for.
So if you're looking for a wonderful place to work, visit Chick-fil-A East Peoria or fill out an application online today at cfaeastpeoria.com.
[00:21:31] <music>
Laura Dugger: We are so excited to celebrate with you that The Savvy Sauce Charities received our IRS confirmation that all donations are officially tax deductible. We hope that you're going to take action to partner with us.
There are details laid out on our website, which is thesavvysauce.com, and they're going to walk you through the process to donate, and it's also going to share our tax ID number. The donation process is as easy as just filling out a check for Savvy Sauce Charities and mailing it to P.O. Box 101, Roanoke, Illinois, 61561.
If we've contributed to your life in any way by resourcing you to grow closer in intimacy with God and others, would you now contribute to us financially? In this way, we are so excited to partner together and hopefully meet each other's needs. Our team wants to continue producing these podcasts, and we're expectant that if you're listening right now, you value The Savvy Sauce Charities enough to make a donation.
We view this work as ministry, so we happily spend thousands of dollars each year to record and produce these episodes. And our ultimate prayer is that your experience with Savvy Sauce Charities will make an impact for eternity. So if that is true for you, if you've ever received a blessing in any way from this nonprofit, would you prayerfully consider donating to Savvy Sauce Charities? Any amount is greatly appreciated.
And in fact, you've heard me say before, if every listener gave only $1 per month, it would completely offset all our costs. Again, we have all the details listed on our website, thesavvysauce.com, if you are interested in making a donation. We look forward to partnering with you.
[00:23:32] <music>
Laura Dugger: Can you elaborate about the chemical cocktail and why God is so genius in this creation?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, sure. You know, I think one of the reasons that we really struggle with faithfulness is because we believe at a heart level that marriage is more about attractiveness and getting our sexual needs met than believing that marriage is about covenant. And one of the ways that I explain that is just to show, you know, God has designed new sex and a new relationship to elicit different kinds of chemicals in our brain than a long-term relationship and long-term sexual interaction.
So the new relationship is going to have adrenaline and a neurotransmitter called PEA. And together, adrenaline and PEA make you feel like there's this huge output of dopamine, which is the pleasure hormone of the brain. [00:24:34] And so it makes you feel intoxicated. It makes you feel like you're on a drug.
This is why pornography is so addictive. But God has given that cocktail in the beginning of a relationship, in the beginning of seeing each other naked for the first time, so that it would be a cementing kind of experience for a husband and wife. Unfortunately, our world has really hijacked that with pornography and other sexual offerings. But God's design is that you shouldn't be able to forget your honeymoon. Like it should be like a cementing experience for you.
But then as you're married for a while and you have sex regularly, you don't get that same adrenaline and PEA unless you're doing something kind of fun or new or exciting. But in general, you'll get just kind of output of oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. It connects you to your spouse. And you also get endorphins, which is sort of a feel-good, all-is-well-with-the-world kind of neurotransmitter. [00:25:39]
And so God has designed a married sex life to have elements of both of these, of new and exciting things, say, for example, on your anniversary or you go away for a vacation and you're really focusing on your sex life, but also to have these bonding and feel-good chemicals to take place just in the normal course of life.
But, Laura, what happens is we get addicted to that new and exciting, and so we kind of begin to neglect the sexual relationship and instead are tempted by what's going to make us immediately feel good in the moment. So that's kind of just understanding how God wired our sexuality and, again, why He's a genius, but also understanding how, if we're not wise, that wiring can be worked against us.
Laura Dugger: That's so helpful to be wise in all of that. Just the incredible amounts that He gives us. You had cited another source that says men can have their oxytocin levels raised more than 500% after orgasm. [00:26:49] That may be why they're able to open up more emotionally after they've connected sexually. You also talk about the bonding agent of vasopressin. Would you like to share anything about that?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. So the two hormones, oxytocin and vasopressin, kind of go together. Vasopressin is kind of more, from what I understand, like the male form of oxytocin. But these hormones have been shown, as you mentioned, to bond people together, to make a man feel more connected and more likely to be vulnerable.
And interestingly, there's even some studies that show that a man whose body is rich with this oxytocin and vasopressin is less likely to be attracted to another woman. So some people will call it the fidelity hormone.
But when you begin to understand this as a wife, that regular sex with my husband is helping him feel emotionally closer to me, is fostering vulnerability and connection, is helping him to focus on me and me to focus on him, it helps with temptation that comes from the outside. [00:28:02]
And that's not at all to put pressure on a wife to say it's your job to keep your husband faithful. But it is to recognize that God has created sex to be a very powerful experience that is meant to bond you together. And you want to use that for the advantage of your marriage instead of allowing the enemy to use it as something that could tear you apart.
Laura Dugger: That's so good. There's so much there in that first pillar of faithfulness. But for the second pillar of intimate knowing, what separates that intimate knowing from what you call a sanctified hookup?
Dr. Juli Slattery: I think, again, we have to go back to God's covenant love to understand what we're working towards. And if you have been in a covenant relationship with God through Jesus Christ for any amount of time, hopefully you've learned that one of the goals of your relationship with God is to know Him more intimately, to say, Hey, I know God and Jesus more intimately today than I did five years ago. [00:29:07] And through the struggles of life, through the highs and the lows, I've developed intimacy with the Lord.
Jesus talks about this when he talks about, you know, being so intimately connected to Him, it's like a vine in a branch. Like we're in communion all the time. So when we apply that to our sexual relationship, the goal of sex is not just to have our bodies exchange fluids, but it's to be on a journey together of deep knowing of sharing with each other.
Just like in our relationship with God, the valleys, the difficulties, actually are when intimacy can be forged even greater than when things are going well. And I think this is really important because for most married couples, they're going to experience some real challenges in their sex life.
Dr. Juli Slattery: challenges in their sex life and instead of just saying, well, we can't enjoy each other or we have different desires, looking at that as an opportunity of, how do I know my spouse more intimately because of the challenge that we're experiencing? [00:30:12]
When I work with couples who are going through difficulties like infertility or somebody's struggle with pornography or somebody's struggle with healing, what those couples will say is now we're beginning to talk at a deeper level than do you want to have sex or not. Now, we're talking about my shame underneath my sexuality or my frustration that I walked into marriage with these expectations and now I feel like they're not being met. So you're beginning to communicate about your heart, you're beginning to share the sexual journey.
Unfortunately I think there are a lot of married couples who don't see this. All they think of is sex. It's just what our bodies are doing instead of really looking at it as an opportunity to forge intimacy at a much deeper level.
Laura Dugger: The third pillar is sacrificial giving. I'd love for you to share your personal story about God calling you to sacrificial giving. [00:31:15]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. One of the things that I've shared in my own life is that I'd say for the first 10 or 15 years of marriage, sex was one of those things that I wasn't very interested in, my husband was more interested in and particularly when we had three little boys running around the house, you know, I really avoided sex. I really didn't want to engage with it. I would always look for sort of the opportunity in the evening to say, “Hey, I need to do my devotions. This is my time.”
I remember going through that period of marriage where I would spend time with God usually in the evening and there would be times where it was like the Lord was really asking me, like if you really want to love Me and serve Me, why haven't you surrendered this area of your life to me?
And He began to just really prompt me to look at what it is to say, how do I love my husband sexually? How do I look at the conflict that I have within my own heart around sexuality and really begin to ask the Lord to heal that and to help me to enjoy what He has given me in marriage? [00:32:27] But during that season it was a lot of, how do I lay aside my own agenda and really understand my husband's sexual drive? How do I understand what would please him?
And Laura I just think a lot of us go into marriage and we think the sexual aspect of marriage will be something that won't require anything from us, that we just get to get, we get to receive. And for sure God has designed us to receive sexually, but He's also designed us so that we have to give sexually.
Why would he do that? Like people are like, why is God so cruel to make sex so difficult to navigate? But what God began to show me is He wants me to learn to love as Christ loves. Christ's love for us has always been sacrificial. And our love for Him in covenant is called to be sacrificial. We're called to lay down our own lives and take up the cross and follow Him. [00:33:30]
So I think there's something beautiful when we begin to understand that part of a healthy sex life is both the husband and wife approaching this with the attitude of, how do I serve you? How do I love you well? And when a husband and wife both have that attitude, the level of intimacy and even the level of pleasure has such a greater capacity than when we approach sexuality with just the mindset of what can I get from it.
Laura Dugger: Will you go even a little bit more specific with one of those quiet times with the Lord? What were you praying about? And what did he lead you to do?
Dr. Juli Slattery: So I was praying, you know, Lord, I just really want to know how to love You more and serve You. Like it was a time in my life where the Lord really was calling me deeper. What I just felt the Lord prompting me to do is to initiate sex with my husband.
I remember just kind of arguing with God in that moment, like, this is my time with You. You know, I think sometimes when we spend time with the Lord and we're studying the scripture, He wants us to actually put the Bible down and walk out what He's called us to do in his scripture. [00:34:45] And it was during that season of life again where God was just prompting me.
That night, that evening was the first time just prompting me like, hey, if you want to love Me more, if you want to know what My love is like, then go up and engage with your husband, because he's the one I've given you to love and he's the one I've given to love you. That really started us on a journey that didn't happen immediately, but over years of really surrendering this to God, we've learned what it is to serve each other and love each other well sexually.
Laura Dugger: And I'll just paraphrase from page 108 when that evening you sheepishly shared with your husband, when you came up and kind of surprised him and just said, "I was praying and it was like, God told me to come up here and initiate sex with you." And I love his response. He said, "No way! I was praying, asking God to tell you to do that." [00:35:44]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, that's a true story. That really happened. So yeah, it's amazing how God works.
Laura Dugger: I love that so much. I want to make sure that you're up to date with our latest news. We have a new website. You can visit TheSavvySauce.com and see all of the latest updates. You may remember Francie Hinrichsen from Episode 132, where we talked about pursuing our God-given dreams. She is the amazing businesswoman who has carefully designed a brand new website for SavvySauce Charities, and we are thrilled with the final product.So I hope you check it out.
There you're going to find all of our podcasts, now with show notes and transcriptions listed, a scrapbook of various previous guests, and an easy place to join our email list to receive monthly encouragement and questions to ask your loved ones, so that you can have your own practical chats for intentional living. [00:36:45]
You will also be able to access our donation button or our mailing address for sending checks that are tax deductible, so that you can support the work of SavvySauce Charities and help us continue to reach the nations with the good news of Jesus Christ. So make sure you visit TheSavvySauce.com.
I just appreciate those personal stories, even how when you were meeting with the Lord, having your quiet time, how He called you to go and seek your husband. There's a part of Matthew 5:23-24, that illustrates this as well. It just says, "Therefore, if you're offering your gift at the altar, and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them. Then come and offer your gift."
I just appreciate how the Lord even values that horizontal relationship first and the restoration there, and then you come back and reconnect vertically as well. [00:37:49]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Boy, it's true. Like that's the living out of our love for a God, for sure. There's also scripture that talks about like, if you say that you love Me, but you're not loving your brother, then your love for me isn't genuine. So I'm paraphrasing there. But you know, the scripture that I think has really gotten me over the years that I don't think many people apply to sexuality, is when Jesus is teaching at the Sermon on the Mount, and He says, even pagans know how to be kind to those who are kind to them. Like even pagans know how to greet those who greet them. But I say to you, love your enemies and do good to those who persecute you.
Not that my husband is my enemy, or was persecuting me, but the attitude of even a pagan wife knows how to love her husband well, when he's doing everything she wants, when he's attractive to her, when he's bringing her flowers, when he's attentive. But it requires the supernatural love of God for us to reach inside of ourselves and love in a way that is sacrificial. [00:39:01]
God wants us to become great lovers. He wants us to learn to love like He loves. And that's not a natural love that the average husband or wife can accomplish on their own strength. It's something that comes through intimacy with God and through saying, Lord, I want to become more like you in every area of my life. And again, our sexual relationship is not excluded from that. It perhaps can be the most challenging and vulnerable aspect of showing us how to love like God loves us.
Laura Dugger: Just one more thing to draw out of your chapter. I appreciated your balance between encouraging us to ask ourselves, are we being a cheerful giver? Then you also quote our mutual friend, Michael Sytsma, who is a pastor and also a certified sex therapist and author and speaker, that he says, the Bible does talk about fasting, but speaks far more about the feasting. [00:40:06]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Dr. Sytsma is just a wealth of wisdom on this topic. I've learned a lot from him. And that really sort of ushers in that fourth pillar of covenant love. So we've covered faithfulness, intimate knowing, sacrificial giving, but the fourth pillar is passionate celebration.
God has designed sex to be a passionate celebration of our covenant with each other. It is the way in our bodies that we remember, and we rejoice together that we've covenanted our lives to one another. God created sex to be pleasurable. He created the climax, He created the dopamine centers in our brain that go off with great delight when we experience sex with each other.
This is an important pillar. If you're looking at your sex life, and you say, okay, we're faithful to each other, and we're building intimate knowing, and I have a servant attitude, but I experienced no pleasure, then something's wrong with your sex life. [00:41:10] That's something that you need to work toward as an individual and as a married couple. There are a lot of Christian women who would identify with that, who would say, yeah, I do this primarily for my husband. I don't really love it. I don't really know how to enjoy it.
I would say to that woman that that's not the fullness of what God has designed for your sex life to look like in a marriage. He may be challenging you as he's challenged me over the years to really work on what does it look like for me to enjoy this gift, not just to be a giver of it, but also to be a receiver of it.
Laura Dugger: If anybody has their book, I'm thinking specifically, there is this part on page 133, where you draw out some fascinating discoveries about passionate celebration even in our relationship with the Lord, what that looks like, but how that transfers to the marriage as well. [00:42:10] Just things that we wouldn't think of: prayer and singing releasing certain bonding hormones.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah. Yeah. So when you think about like our gatherings as a church body on Sundays or whenever you gather, what you're doing is you're gathering as part of the Bride of Christ. Usually we think of our Sunday services about the message. Yeah, the message is an important part, but it's not the most important part of our gathering. Our gathering is to express our love to our Savior and to our husband, to our heavenly Father, to all of it. We're rejoicing in Him. We're worshiping him as a collective group.
And what the research has shown is that when people gather together and they sing together out loud and when they dance, the same kind of chemicals are released in their brain as are released during sex. So they're getting the dopamine, they're getting the endorphins, they're getting the oxytocin. [00:43:15]
So when God's people get together and sing together and worship the Lord together, they're actually getting that same bonding hormone that unites you as the family of God, as a husband and wife would get together as they celebrate their covenant. So it's been really cool for me to study and to see these parallels of what God designed His relationship with us to be like, and then also what He designed marriage to be like. And to see that in many ways, even our bodily and neurological response will mirror each other.
Laura Dugger: It's just incredible to learn more about those relationships. Juli, as we seek to apply this conversation now to our own lives, what's an example of a possible next step forward?
Dr. Juli Slattery: Yeah, I think, Laura, a lot of us as married Christians, we think about biblical sexuality in terms of morality. In other words, let's keep the rules, let's obey God. And as we talked about in the faithfulness pillar, that certainly is a very critical part of how we honor God and each other within our sexual relationship. [00:44:30]
But the other pillars are all about maturity. I think you can be married for 10 years, 15 years, 20 years, 30 years or more as a married couple and never considered, what does it look like for us to mature in our sexual love? How can we say five years from now that we love each other more deeply sexually than we than we do right now? What do we need to work on? Which of these four pillars requires our immediate attention?
The book God, Sex, and Your Marriage can be helpful. We also are releasing a video curriculum and workbook for couples to go through this material that can be really helpful that you could do as couples or do in a small group. But things don't change unless we become intentional about changing them.
And so, you know, I think for all of us, we need that challenge to not just settle for the way things are, but to really ask the Lord to begin redeeming sex within our marriage, again, as part of that larger spiritual battle of reclaiming God's design for sex within our world. [00:45:42]
Laura Dugger: If part of this plan of ours for intentionality includes learning more from you, where can we go to do that?
Dr. Juli Slattery: You can find everything that we do at AuthenticIntimacy.com. So there's a podcast, blog, this book and other books and workbooks and small group opportunities. So you can find all of that at our website, Authentic Intimacy dot com.
Laura Dugger: Wonderful. We will link to that, as always, in the show notes for today's episode. Juli, you have been on multiple times, so you know we are called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge. And so is my final question for you today. What is your savvy sauce? [00:46:26]
Dr. Juli Slattery: Well, I would have to go back and listen to the episodes I've been on before to see if I say the same one all the time. But my savvy sauce is just really spending time with the Lord and really trying to make sure I reserve that first hour of the day for connection with Him, for surrendering to Him, learning from Him, just wanting to do what he calls me to do. So that's my savvy sauce right there.
Laura Dugger: Well, you are always a calm and steady and helpful guest. As we opened this discussion, we talked about that passage from Matthew 9:37, where Jesus is saying the field is ripe for the harvest, but the laborers are few. So I just want to say thank you for being a willing and skilled helper. I'm so grateful to get to have you as my returning guest.
Dr. Juli Slattery: Oh, Laura, thank you. Thanks for giving me a chance to share. It's always a joy to talk to you. [00:47:31]
Laura Dugger: Likewise.
One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news.
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. [00:48:31] This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. [00:49:31] And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process.
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." [00:50:36] The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.
Monday Feb 17, 2025
Monday Feb 17, 2025
254. Raising Healthy Children with Dr. Charles Fay
2 Chronicles 20:12b (NIV) "We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.”
**Transcription Below**
Questions and Topics We Discuss:
- When it comes to helping our child find purpose in life, what are some helpful questions to ask and why is this even important?
- What are some specific examples of beneficial discipline for a variety of ages of children?
- What are natural and proactive ways we can improve mental health in ourselves and our children?
Charles Fay, PhD, is an internationally recognized author, consultant, and public speaker. He is also president of the Love and Logic Institute, which became part of Amen Clinics in 2020. Millions of educators, mental health professionals, and parents worldwide have benefited from Dr. Fay's down-to-earth solutions to the most common and frustrating behaviors displayed by youth of all ages. These methods come directly from years of experience serving severely disturbed youth and their families in psychiatric hospitals, public and private schools, homes, and other settings. For more information, visit loveandlogic.com.
Dr. Fay's Book, Co-Authored with Dr. Daniel Amen: Raising Mentally Strong Kids
Thank You to Our Sponsor: Midwest Food Bank
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Gospel Scripture: (all NIV)
Romans 3:23 “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,”
Romans 3:24 “and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.”
Romans 3:25 (a) “God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood.”
Hebrews 9:22 (b) “without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness.”
Romans 5:8 “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
Romans 5:11 “Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.”
John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.”
Romans 10:9 “That if you confess with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”
Luke 15:10 says “In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.”
Romans 8:1 “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus”
Ephesians 1:13–14 “And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation. Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession- to the praise of his glory.”
Ephesians 1:15–23 “For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”
Ephesians 2:8–10 “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God‘s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.“
Ephesians 2:13 “But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ.“
Philippians 1:6 “being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”
** Transcription**
[00:00:00] <music>
Laura Dugger: Welcome to The Savvy Sauce, where we have practical chats for intentional living. I'm your host Laura Dugger, and I'm so glad you're here.
[00:00:18] <music>
Laura Dugger: Thank you to an anonymous donor to Midwest Food Bank who paid the sponsorship fee in hopes of spreading awareness. Learn more about this amazing nonprofit organization at MidwestFoodBank.org.
My guest for today is Dr. Charles Fay, and he's the current president of the Love and Logic Institute. We're going to discuss various questions about parenting, so we'll cover things that are related to beneficial discipline, brain health, and the balance of pursuing quality time with our children, while also not forgetting to include a wise amount of breaks.
Many of these insights can be found in this book that Dr. Fay co-authored with Dr. Daniel Amen, and it's entitled Raising Mentally Strong Kids.
Here's our chat. [00:01:20]
Welcome to the Savvy Sauce, Dr. Fay.
Dr. Charles Fay: Thank you so much. I feel so blessed to be here. Thank you, everyone who's watching and listening. We're so thankful for you.
Laura Dugger: Well, I know that many people are already familiar with you and even your family of origin, but will you just tell us a bit about your family and the work that you get to do?
Dr. Charles Fay: Well, I'm so blessed by having two parents who were really imperfect people who had wonderful hearts. They were always trying to get better. That's one of the messages I want to send to people is that it's not about being perfect. None of us are, none of us can't be, and none of us have to be. That's really the good news. That's the gospel right there. [00:02:08] So we want to kick back and relax and enjoy our time together here.
My family, my father, Jim Fay, was unhappy with how well he was doing with students in his role as an educator. And he wasn't real happy with his parenting. So he went on a desperate search, I'd say, for skills. This was when I was a kid. And I've got some grades. That was a while ago.
But he developed with Dr. Foster Cline, a love of logic approach. I want to give you two pivotal foundational ideas right off the bat that will, I think, take the pressure off of you as a parent and help you raise really great kids.
Our first rule of love and logic is that we take really good care of ourselves. One of the ways we do that is by setting limits without anger, lecture, threats, or repeated warnings. But let's see, if our kids are going to grow up to be really strong and healthy and loving people, they cannot treat us like doormats. [00:03:14] That's not going to work for them. And it's not going to work for you. So it's not selfish, in fact, it's very loving to take good care of yourself by setting limits.
The research is clear. Kids who have limits are happier. Now, they might not be happier in the short term. They might be mad at you in the store or call you the worst mom or dad in the world. But long term, they're happier and they have much less anxiety because limits equal safety. Limits equal love.
Laura and I are going to talk about limits as we go through this podcast, but I just want to throw out that main idea, that that you... you know, our obligation to them is to put ourselves first in a loving way so that we have energy to be able to parent them well.
Now, the second idea that I want to share with you is that when a kid causes a problem, this is rule number two, when a kid causes a problem or they encounter a problem that is not a life and death issue, hand it back. [00:04:16] The great parent, the beautiful, wise parent is asking with empathy, Oh, honey, you forgot to do your assignment, and now, you know, you're calling me and asking me what I'm going to do. If any kid can handle this, you can. What do you think you're going to do?
Oh, my coach won't let me play. That's heartbreaking. I know how much you care about this. Notice the empathy first. And then this question. What do you think you're going to do? What do you think you're going to do? I want you to memorize that, parents, right now. Write it down. What do you think you're going to do?
And it's asked with sincerity and with love, and of course, we're going to follow up with some ideas for the kid, but we're not going to own it. We're going to let them own it. Because there's another very clear piece of research that's come out after all these decades of love and large teaching that the perils of helicopter parenting. [00:05:25]
We've been preaching that for years. We've been teaching that for years. Don't rescue your kids unnecessarily. Only do it when they really need it, because kids who are rescued come to believe that they need rescue and they're terrified throughout life. "Oh, no. How am I going to handle life? I've never really had to deal with problems before."
See, and now the research is very clear that the helicopter parenting to over-rescue where we don't allow kids to own and solve their problems is strongly associated with high levels of depression and anxiety in adulthood. So, again, isn't it interesting, Laura, that a lot of the things that we do as parents where we think, oh, gosh, I feel kind of bad because, you know, I'm putting myself first or I feel kind of bad because I expected my kid to solve this problem.
You know, we feel guilty. We are like, oh, no, maybe I'm a bad parent because they got really upset about that. [00:06:27] It's interesting that a lot of times when we feel that way, we're actually doing exactly what's required to help our kids have the most joyful and productive lives and be able to see the value. I'm going to be really clear here, the value of handing over their lives to the Lord. Lord, I need you. I can't control everything. I mean, we want this. But isn't it interesting, isn't it interesting that we often feel guilty when we do those things?
Laura Dugger: But I think you're just illustrating so well not leaning on our own understanding. You brought up these tensions. I want to zero in on that because there are some tensions in parenting where, on one hand, we do want to pursue quality time with our children, and we know that's important, and we need to pursue breaks and rest as the caretaker. How do you manage tensions like that? Or I'll just name one more, the tension of embracing both firmness and kindness. [00:07:35]
Dr. Charles Fay: If you have that tension, parents, if you have that tension where you're like, oh, I know I should be firm and kind, but I can't find that sweet spot, where is that sweet spot? Okay, I don't know if this is encouraging to you, but I haven't found that sweet spot.
Or you're thinking, where's the balance between quality time and authentic, intimate relationship with our kids and also saying, Okay, my turn. I need a break. Where's that sweet spot? Oh, I'll find it someday. Never found it.
Now, I've talked to a lot of people over this, and there are a lot of tensions in life, and many of them are spiritual tensions. The reality is, it's really good for us to have those. When you feel that tension, you're probably somewhere in the right spot. [00:08:36] It's the people who don't experience the tension that are problematic. It's a parent who never thinks, oh, maybe I should spend a little time taking care of myself. They're just totally idolizing their kids, and they do everything for their kids. That's really problematic. Or, on the other side, the parent who thinks, oh, the kids will raise them well. They're bright kids. They never worry about it.
Again, I just want to be completely frank with you and authentic, honest. You're going to have that tension, and sometimes you're not going to quite get it right. Sometimes you're going to be maybe a little firmer than you should be, and other times you're going to be a little kinder than you should be, or more loving than you should be, or soft than you should be. You're going to make those mistakes. There's going to be a dynamic tension forever between these things. [00:09:36] The good news is, isn't it great that we're not running the show?
Laura Dugger: Absolutely.
Dr. Charles Fay: If we had to be perfect, and God wasn't in control, what a disaster that would be, right? We have a sovereign, all-knowing, all-loving God of the universe, creator, sovereign creator, and sustainer of the universe who's taking all of this and working it together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Let's rest in that.
Laura Dugger: I think that's very much the word that's coming through is rest and trusting in Him. But when it comes to maybe even to those actionable moments, if a parent can't discern when they're going too much to one of those sides, do you have any questions for self-reflection or practical examples? [00:10:46]
Dr. Charles Fay: Well, you go to a friend of yours, and you go to people you really trust, godly people you really trust, and you ask them, be honest with me, what do you see in my life? You go to people who your kids are relating to, teachers, coaches, and you ask them to be honest with you. And you make it easy for them to be honest with you, which means that if they share something that's a little painful, you don't overreact, right? You don't make it hard for people to be honest with you.
So many times, we don't really have a good picture of how wonderful our kids are because we live with them all the time. Let's think about how do people who live together treat each other? It's the reality, the sad reality of it, but it's the reality, and it's a consistent historical reality, is people who are walking through the desert together, camping out every day, dealing with adversity, are not always their best when they're with each other. [00:11:59] I think my wife would agree with that.
Now, of course, I'm not saying it's okay to treat people who are close to us with disrespect or anything. Of course, we want to be preying on that and doing the very best we can to love those close people very well. But one of the ways we evaluate how well we're managing that tension is looking at how do our kids treat other people? How do they treat their teachers? How do they treat their coaches? How do they handle situations when they're away from us?
I've had so many parents come to me and say, oh, I struggle with my kids. We have power struggles, and they get snippy with me, and I get snippy with them. How does that sound like real life? But I have people, and they're all racked up. Oh, no, my kids, they're a nightmare. But the teachers say, "Oh, I wish I had 30 of your son. I wish I had..." all this sort of thing. [00:13:01]
It's so interesting in that that's really where you look. That's really where you look is how are they handling the rest of the people in their lives? And then, of course, again, we want to work on the home environment. Over the years, I've seen so many people get pretty desperate and concerned when they really have some pretty great kids out there.
Laura Dugger: That's so encouraging. Thank you, Charles. I'd love to shift gears because there's this piece that you wrote about in your book that I just loved. You were talking about us helping our children find their purpose in life. So what are some helpful questions to ask, and why is this even important?
Dr. Charles Fay: Well, first of all, it's important because people who have purpose... and I want to define purpose for everybody after I answer that question. [00:14:03] But people who have healthy purpose, true purpose, they're more joyful, they live longer, they have better relationships. It's one of those things that if you have it, you can handle just about anything.
Viktor Frankl, Holocaust, was in a Nazi death camp. He studied that, and he found that people who have a purpose, those people who were in that camp that had a purpose were the ones that could survive emotionally and actually were able to deal with that trauma better later on. You'd think none of us... I shouldn't say none of us, but very few of us can even imagine how awful that was. We can't even wrap our heads around that. But that sense of purpose can help us cope with some pretty, pretty horrible things. And that's what he was so famous for talking about, Viktor Frankl. So that's why.
So what is purpose? Purpose is making the world a better place. [00:15:11] Purpose is serving other people. Purpose is serving God. King Solomon's... this isn't in the book, by the way, but King Solomon looked for a purpose. If you're interested, look at Ecclesiastes. It's a very interesting biblical work on the search for purpose. And he tried a lot of things, gold, lots of horses, lots of wives, lots of this, lots of that, lots of fun, lots of partying, all meaningless, all a chasing after the wind. It won't get us that sense of purpose.
So what is purpose? It is serving other people. How do we do it? How do we find our purpose? So questions we ask our kids is, what do you love doing? Because our purpose comes out of our gifts. So God gave us those gifts for a purpose, okay? He gave us those gifts for a reason, to serve other people. That's the essence of servant leadership. [00:16:13] That's really what we're talking about here.
So we ask our kids, what are you really great at? We observe our kids, and we notice what their natural gifts are, and we know something is a gift. And this is how we know something is a gift, is when we engage in that activity and time goes by, we don't realize how much time has gone by because we're so into it. We love it. That's one criteria.
This is very important. One criteria for a gift is time goes by. It's so natural that we just do it. It feels effortless, and it's joyful.
Secondly, it helps other people. That's the definition of a gift. There's a lot in the book about purpose, by the way. If I tried to cover all of it right now, we'd all be confused. We'd walk away and think, wow, that was kind of neat, but I'm confused.
Love and Logic, my job has always been to oversimplify things so people could really grab a hold of them. So that's what we're going to do here. [00:17:18] So let's come in close here. We want to help our kids discover what they're naturally great at that helps other people. So let that sink into our ears. What are we naturally great at, and does that help other people?
And then we start asking our kids a series of questions. What do you love doing? What do you love doing? What would you do for free? If you could have a job doing something, what would it be? And we watch them, and we talk to teachers, and we talk to other people who know our kids well, and we identify those strengths. We're asking our kids, who is that going to serve? Who can you serve with that? How would you see yourself serving? [00:18:20]
Now, by the way, these questions we ask that are all laid out in the book are questions that we don't barrage our kids with. So we don't sit down and say, okay, let's talk about purpose, and then just barrage them with it. That's so counterproductive. No. The things like you're driving along in the car, and you're saying, "Honey, I noticed that you're really good at sewing. That really seems to be a gift. I wonder if you could use that. Can you see yourself using that to help other people, to serve other people? Who would those people be? How would you do that? That's exciting to think about."
You're just pondering these things in front of your kids. And you're not expecting them to have all this information they throw back at you. Well, Dad, I've been thinking about... No. No. Honestly, a lot of times kids don't seem like they're participating when we ask these questions. Those seeds are growing inside of their brains, inside of their hearts. [00:19:24]
And for us ourselves, a lot of times it's, what hardship have we had? What trauma have we had? What circumstances that have been so uncomfortable for us can we take and use to serve other people? I live in Colorado, not far from Columbine High School. There were many people, many people traumatized by that shooting, horrendous event.
Many, many people, the people who were able to heal and grow from that, as strange as that sounds, it's not easy, but the people who were able to heal and move forward were the people who took that and they went out and they created something to help other people. This organization called Rachel's Challenge, and do anti-bullying. And the school has done wonderful work for many, many years. So that's an important concept. [00:20:29]
So we're asking these questions. We're listening. We're not expecting kids to have a lot of feedback they share with us, but we're writing those things down. The most important part, it was stop again, spend the lion's share of your energy focusing on their gifts. See, so often in all of our relationships, it's so easy to start focusing on what other people do wrong or what they need to do better at. Happens in every relationship. It's a tendency that human beings have.
But friends, what would happen if you could say to yourself, I'm going to spend the lion's share of my time and energy focusing on what my wife's natural gifts are, or my husband's or my kids or my neighbors or my employees. [00:21:32] Of course, that doesn't mean that we're not going to give feedback that's necessary about things they need to change or we'd like them to change.
But here's a basic principle. Build others up. Build others up in their areas of strength so that they have the courage and the strength to tackle their areas of weakness.
Laura Dugger: Let's take a quick break to hear a message from our sponsor.
[00:22:05] <music>
Sponsor: Midwest Food Bank exists to provide industry-leading food relief to those in need while feeding them spiritually. They are a food charity with a desire to demonstrate God's love by providing help to those in need. Unlike other parts of the world where there's not enough food, in America, the resources actually do exist.
That's why food pantries and food banks like Midwest Food Bank are so important. The goods that they deliver to their agency partners help to supplement the food supply for families and individuals across our country, aiding those whose resources are beyond stretched.
Midwest Food Bank also supports people globally through their locations in Haiti and East Africa, which are some of the areas hardest hit by hunger arising from poverty. This ministry reaches millions of people every year. And thanks to the Lord's provision, 99% of every donation goes directly toward providing food to people in need. The remaining 1% of income is used for fundraising, cost of leadership, oversight, and other administrative expenses. Donations, volunteers, and prayers are always appreciated for Midwest Food Bank.
To learn more, visit MidwestFoodBank.org Or listen to episode 83 of The Savvy Sauce where the founder, David Kieser, shares miracles of God that he's witnessed through this nonprofit organization. I hope you check them out today.
[00:23:33] <music>
Laura Dugger: It's interesting how you wrote about even the purpose of purpose for our kids. Just a few practical things. I'm just going to string together some lessons of yours. So from chapter two, you wrote, ultimately, your goals determine your behavior. Not that we're using this as a self-serving tool as parents. But I think there is a reality and a principle, even in scripture, I think of reaping and sowing. But encouraging our children and speaking words of life over them or over our spouse, you actually see that come out of them as well.
And as you talk about goal setting, you also write on page 48 that goal setting is also one of the best ways to develop your child's prefrontal cortex and mental strength to help set them up for success. Then you even gave one more practical tip somewhere later in the book that we can go first. We can share our purpose with our children. [00:24:43] I think this idea was just exciting to me, even with our children at young ages, that it's never too early, like you said, to plant those seeds.
Dr. Charles Fay: It's never too early. And see, when people see us having a purpose and a passion, they want to join along. Years ago, when I was learning to be a public speaker, I studied people. And I noticed that some of the people that I was most excited about listening to weren't that great of speakers. I mean, they stuttered a little bit, and they wore a bad suit, and they just were kind of nervous at times. But man, there's something about them where I was like, That dude is awesome. Man, I want to listen to that lady, you know, again. I want to... you know, so-and-so.
And then there'd be other people who were, man, they look good, they're flashy. Oh, yeah, they got all the right-hand movements, all that sort of stuff. But I thought, no, that's kind of not... just not... And I analyzed that for years, decades.
Somebody said it loud and clear to me. I was talking to a friend of mine, he says, "It's the people who have passion. People have a sincere purpose, and we're drawn to that. It's that authenticity. It's the realness. It's this person really believes this, and they're so excited about it that they just can't stand it. It's just jumping out of them. [00:26:10]
And so when we model that... and it can be about anything. Okay, so let's say I'm a garbage collector. I drive the garbage truck. I am so excited about the fact that if it wasn't for me, people would die of disease. This place would be a mess, you know? And kids see that, and they're like, "My dad has purpose. My mom has purpose.
You could be a heart surgeon. You could be a brain surgeon. You could be a garbage collector. You could be anything. But having that deeper purpose and communicating that, talking about it around our kids, letting them overhear it, super powerful.
Laura Dugger: This is a very proactive conversation, planning these ideas. I think of something else that would be really helpful to be proactive or to pre-decide would be wise ways to discipline. [00:27:09] So, Dr. Fay, I'm curious, do you have any specific examples of beneficial discipline for a variety of ages?
Dr. Charles Fay: Yeah Well, the first thing we need to learn as parents is how to not get pulled into arguments. Because if we can't, if our kids can argue with us, we're never going to be affected with anything else.
So parents, step one, when the kid starts to argue, don't think so hard about it. Don't try to talk sense into them. Because when we start lecturing and we start talking too much, what starts to happen is the kid thinks, "Wow, this argument is really working. Look at mom's face. I can control the tone of her voice, the color of her face, the longevity of her cardiovascular system."
And see, ironically, we're trying to control the kid, but they're really controlling us. They're getting us to say more words, get frustrated, that sort of thing. So as soon as the arguing starts, say to yourself, don't think so hard about this. [00:28:11]
The second step is just keep saying the same thing. You can pick mine. When my kids were younger. I love you too much to argue. I love you too much to argue. Now, that's discipline. See, discipline really means teaching kids the right way over the wrong way. That's basically what it's all about.
One of the fundamental aspects of discipline is being able to submit to authority figures. Now we're getting on the tough side of the road here a little bit. Your kids need to learn how to submit to you. This is not a democracy in this home. I don't say that to the kids. I'm saying it to you. We do it through action.
The effective parenting style is not a democratic where everybody gets to vote and we have debates about things. Absolutely not. It is a benevolent monarchy. [00:29:11] And the parents are the rulers, but they're the kind and loving, wise rulers.
See, because if a kid argues with you, what that really means is they think they should get their way all the time. Now, ultimately, who are we preparing our kids to have? Well, who are we preparing our kids to submit to for Christians? A political figure? Somebody who lets them vote on or the king of the universe? Christ, right?
So when kids don't learn how to submit to loving authority figures, they don't learn how to submit to loving authority, life is really hard for them. That's the essence of discipline is teaching our kids how to submit to loving, just authority.
So I want my kids early on to learn that when I say something I mean it and they can't argue with me and get me to back down or get me to get frustrated. [00:30:25] So, again, could argues I say to myself, no reasoning, no discussion, no debate, no voting, right? And then I calmly repeat: I love you too much to argue on. But that's not fair. I love you. They won't give up. We just keep on doing it. They're gonna get mad. Because we all get mad when we don't get our way. Some of us aren't that honest about it. They say, oh, no, I don't. No. We all get frustrated when we don't get our way. That's called the sin nature. We all get frustrated when we don't get our way. But we're all comforted when we don't get our way.
Let me say that again. We all get frustrated when we don't get our way, but we're all are comforted in the long run when we don't get our way because our way is not always the best way. In fact many times it is. So that's one of the very first skills. I love you too much to argue or I'll listen when your voice is calm or I'll be happy to listen to your ideas as long as I feel like you're not trying to get me to back down. [00:31:37] But you keep the same one. You repeat the same little love and logic one-liner every time.
I knew a mom who just said this. "Well, I want this. You got to buy this for me." "Mmh" "Well, how come you keep saying that?" "Mmh" "Well, that's driving me crazy." "Mmh" And I'll listen when your voice is calm. But she said she loved it. It was so easy for her. All she had to do. And now the kids are teenagers, by the way, and she's been doing it for years. And she'd say, "Mmh". And they're "we know you're just gonna say 'Mmh'".
She raised kids who really love her dearly, but they didn't always like her. Okay. There's a little nugget. They didn't always love her and they didn't always like her, but they love her dearly. Let's branch out from that. [00:32:36]
Another skill is being able to set effective limits that we can follow through often. So you want our yes to be yes and our no to be no. Important parenting principle, life principle: Our yes is yes and our no is no. But how do we do that/ By focusing only on what we can control.
See, who can I control?
Laura Dugger: Me.
Dr. Charles Fay: The harsh reality is I can't really control my kids. I can't really control my wife. I really can't control the direction the country goes here or there. I mean, there are very few things I can control. Of course, I do my civic duty and I do the best that I can. But ultimately the only thing that I truly can control and this is tough even is myself, right? [00:33:30]
We call this setting limits with enforceable statements. So when I set a limit with an enforceable statement, I'm describing what I'm gonna do and what I'm gonna allow. And I am not trying to tell the kid what to do. And I'm not issuing threats. You already heard a couple of them. "I'll listen when your voice is calm. I'll be happy to take you to your friends when the chores are done. I play games when I'm not having somebody yelling at me."
I mean how many of us have played candy land with our little kids, right, and they start to lose. And now they're all upset. "You're cheating. That's not fair. You're mean." "I'll be happy to play with you as long as this is fun for me." Which is one I use a lot.
And then as soon as it's not fun for me, what happens? I get up and I go. [00:34:33] "But I'll be good." I know you'll be good and we'll try again some other time. And the other time will be pretty soon. But they need to see that there is action associated with the limit. If we want to get to the essence of discipline, let's get to it.
Essence of discipline. Number one. We have a good relationship with our kids. We love them and we show them that and we focus mostly on their strengths, and they feel bonded to us and they want to please us at heart. Relationship is part of discipline. It's teaching them the right way versus the wrong way. So that has to come first.
The second that comes first is that we set limits. We describe what we're going to do and what we're going to allow. Yeah, and they're fair limits. We do our best to be fair. And then when they don't live by those limits, we don't nag, we don't remind, we don't rescue, we take loving action. We are empathetic and we take loving action. [00:35:33]
So a dad says to me, "Oh, I went to Love and Logic years to go. My kids were totally out of control. My wife passed away when they were really young. I felt so guilty. I felt so bad for them that I let them do everything they wanted to do. Oh, they wouldn't listen to anything. They were tyrants." I said, "Oh, how are they now? Oh, they're good now. I mean, they're not perfect people, but I'm not. They're good. They're good. My daughter's turned out great."
I said, "Well, what made the difference?" He said, "I took them to Chuck E. Cheese." I said, "What?" He said, "Kids were out of control in public. Oh, that was the worst time. So I took him to Chuck E. Cheese." I thought, "I'm not getting this." He says, "No, you don't understand." I said, "I don't understand." He says, "I realized that one of the problems I had was that we'd go out and they'd act up and I'd say, "If you keep acting up we're leaving. But I never would because I'd feel too guilty." [00:36:30]
And so he said, "I decided to take him to Chuck E. Cheese because it's kind of a chaotic place. Most of the time and I thought, "I won't back down. I'll be glad to get out of this." I thought, "Well, that's kind of a wise idea there." And he says, "I took them to Chuck E. Cheese. We were actually having a good time. But then now they're starting to act up like crazy, right?" So he said to me, he said, "Guys, we get to stay as long as it's fun for me and there are no problems." And they kept up. And you know what he did? "He got up and he started walking away. And they said, "Daddy, daddy. Why are we leaving?" He says, "This is not fun. This isn't working for me."
And they didn't think he'd really follow through because he never had. But he kept walking. Pretty soon they catch up and they said, "Daddy, daddy, we just got our pizza." He said, "Don't worry about the pizza. Somebody else will get it. I love you guys. Let's go home. This isn't fun for me." [00:37:26]
They got in the car, oh, and they were crying and he felt like the worst dad in the world. He's driving along and he's just feeling so guilty. But he said to himself, "I'm going to stay strong. I'm going to stay strong." And he drove home. "Oh, and it was a miserable day," he said.
Well, he started doing that more. They went to the park one day and he said, "Guys, we get to stay as long as there's no problems, no throwing sand, no running away from me. And as long as you're staying right by me." And they tested it, didn't they?
Let's think about human beings. How far do we need to get into the Old Testament to see people start testing limits? I think it's only maybe two chapters or so. It's really not very long. That's what we do. That's what human beings do. So don't be surprised when your kids do it. So they tested the limit and he just starts saying, "Hey guys, we're going home." And he just went home. [00:38:26] No warnings, no reminders. No lectures.
See, what kind of a blessing is it for our kids if they can learn to listen the first time? Is that unreasonable? Is it because we're on a power trip or because we want them to have happy lives?
Laura Dugger: Absolutely, the second.
Dr. Charles Fay: And the whole time he says, "I'm hating it. Honestly, Dr. Fay, I just don't like it. I'm not comfortable with any of this. I feel like I'm being mean, I'm being criticized by other people." People are saying, Well, in this book it says you should never do something like that. You know, I'm getting all of that and I'm so conflicted I'm feeling the tension.
He said what changed things is we were in Home Depot not too long after these training sessions as we'll call it. I didn't have a plan at all and I needed to be there. I really couldn't leave. And they're starting to carry on with each other. And I just looked at him and I said, Oh. And the older one sent to the younger one. But they were. It blew me away. How did they learn? It'll be good by learning that my word is gold and that I was actually going to take some action. [00:39:51]
Laura Dugger: I love that. Then that goes back to the letting your “yes” be yes, and your “no” be no. It also reminds me I believe it's Hebrews 12:11. It says, "No discipline is pleasant at the time, but painful later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." I think that beautifully illustrates it.
Dr. Charles Fay: I love that verse. A harvest of righteousness and peace. Think about that. So we feel guilty for doing it, but we're actually giving our kids the most beautiful things in life through it. And you know what we're really doing when we're doing this? We're preparing for the day when our kid is about ready to do something that's really dangerous and we have no control over it. They're 17 years old, they say, "I'm going to this party. I don't care." And you're thinking, "I know that it's in a bad part of town. I know there's been shootings there. I know there's kids there's gonna be drugs there." You're thinking all these things. [00:40:57]
Are you gonna have enough respect and love in their eyes to be able to pull it off when you say, "Don't go. I'm concerned about you." Have you upped the odds for having that much strength and love in their eyes? That's what we're really going for.
Now if I've never been a loving authority figure, chances are they're going to look at me and think, "Well, what does he know? He's kind of a nice guy over here. He's kind of a tyrant over here, whatever." But they don't have that love and that discipline experience from us. That makes all the difference in the world.
Laura Dugger: Guess what? We are no longer an audio-only podcast. We now have video included as well. If you want to view the conversation each week, make sure you watch our videos. [00:42:01] We're on YouTube and you can access videos or find answers to any of your other questions about the podcast when you visit thesavvysauce.com.
All of these topics that we've touched on are covered in your book. I just want to address one more area Because we don't talk about this a lot. But you and Dr. Amen agree in your book where it says, "Mental health is really brain health." You make the argument that mental health follows a healthy brain.
If we're going specifically, it's pages 22 through 24. But can you walk us through what it means when you say "bright minds"?
Dr. Charles Fay: So it's basically an acronym. B stands for blood flow. The more blood flow, the more oxygen, the more cleansing of the brain, the more circulation going on there, obviously the better the brain is going to work. [00:43:03]
Exercise, so important. You know talking about kids, so important. There should be very strong limits over screen time, by the way. In fact, the less the better. Highly effective parents now are saying that they're really moving back towards traditional model of schooling where kids are doing things with pencil and paper. They're not on the screen all the time. They're setting firm limits where kids don't have their own phones until maybe they're older teenagers.
I mean that sounds radical, if we look at the way the rest of the world is running, right? It sounds radical. Oh my goodness. How could you possibly do that? Now, do we really want our kids to be as low-functioning as the rest of the world? Simple question, right? Do we really want that?
You know, we used to say prepare kids for the real world. No. [00:44:04] Now I say, prepare kids to be shining stars. Not the real world. Now I'm preaching. I'm sorry. I get that way.
R is rational. Thinking the truth. We tell ourselves lies all the time. You know, I'm not good enough. I'm a bad person. I don't know who I am. I have no identity. There's no hope for me. Is that reality? No, that's not rational thinking. It's truth.
Every time I entertain or harbor irrational thought, that creates problems for my brain. It's actually destructive to brain cells because it creates stress and stress damages brain cells. In the book we talk a lot about mental hygiene. How can we be focused on the truth and help our kids focus on the truth? What is the truth? It's what God says. It's God's word. That's the truth. That's the truth. You do have a purpose. You are loved. You're made in God's image. And you as a parent that applies to you too, right? Don't forget that. [00:45:23]
I is for inflammation. We know that when there's infections, when there's any sort of injury when people over-exercise, it creates inflammation. And that creates problems for the brain. We don't think well when there's inflammation.
G is for genetics. Daniel put that in there. I'm so glad though that if we know what our genetics are, we can do things that overcome those genetic challenges. So it's not like, oh, my dad had this or my mom had this and I'm doomed. No, it's good to know about that, take that into account, and take steps to correct in that area.
Head trauma. Kids have to wear helmets. We're not fans of kids playing football. Oh, there you go. I just lost a bunch of people. It's pretty traumatic for the brain. I think if you talk to any brain expert, they'll say the same thing. [00:46:35]
Toxins. That's what the t stands for. So we're going down this acronym bright minds, right? This is all in the book. I'm looking at page 22 and 23. But the toxins are really an issue. And so when we have a kid who's starting to make poor decisions and maybe basic discipline isn't working and we're seeing some behavior that's pretty scary, we want to be analyzing these things, too because I've seen kids who had exposure to some toxins. And all the discipline, all the psychological work in the world is not gonna cure that problem if there's something going on with that. Molds. Some forms of mold very very strongly related to brain health issues, physical issues.
Minds. M stands for mental health. You know, mental health. Mental health is the single most powerful thing you can do to help your kids to have good mental health is to be a strong and loving parent. [00:47:56]
Every one of your kids is going to be different. Everyone is going to have different challenges. But that strength and that love and the firmness and the kindness can help overcome so many of those. And that's the main contributor to mental health. I mean, we're relational. People, human beings are relational.
When we have relationships we are far less likely to have mental health issues. And brain health issues all dovetails together. Immune system problems. That's the I. That's another thing we look at is, is there an immune system issue? Is there an overactive or underactive immune system or infections going on?
Neuro hormone issues. And all this sounds deep. Parents, what do you do with this? You're listening to this and you're thinking, wow, now he's going into a lot of stuff. [00:48:54] Okay, here's what I recommend. You get the book. You focus on the basic discipline. You do the preventative things. If those things aren't working, you start looking back at the book. I have to look at the book. I forget what's in this book sometimes. I wrote it, all for crying out loud. I'm a mess. It's good, though.
I was reading it today and I thought, "This makes sense." But see, I have to go back to it and ask myself constantly, am I really following these things? So you start with the basic discipline. Those things aren't working. You go back to the book, you start taking away at the different subjects we bring up and you're going to have success. It's going to give you a road map. But there's a lot there.
So I just talked about neurohormone issues. That's something that a doctor has to look at. We talk about the D stands for diabetes and obesity. Those two things have a dramatic impact on brain health. [00:49:59]
Lastly, sleep. Oh, my goodness, sleep. Sleep's huge. I would say that the significant percentage of the learning and behavioral issues we see with kids, huge percentage, way over 50% of those problems are dramatically impacted by lack of quality sleep.
Laura Dugger: Wow.
Dr. Charles Fay: Way too many kids are staying up at night and way too many parents are allowing their kids to have screens in their bedroom. Let me share with you two things you can do that will have a dramatic impact on your family. They're really simple, but hard. They're simple because the concept isn't very complicated. They're hard because you're going to get pushback.
Simple. Gospel. Jesus, I need you. I can't do this myself. [00:50:56] I'm a sinner. I need you as my savior. I'm going to follow you. So here are two things you can do. If you do these, I can guarantee you your life's going to be better. You're gonna have healthier kids, healthier brains.
No screens in their bedrooms. They don't take their screens into their bedrooms during the day, during the night, any time. If they do have to do their homework, they do it in the kitchen. No screens in your bedroom.
Too many TVs, too many screens in your bedroom. You do those two things, life's going to be way better. It's going to be real uncomfortable at first for some people but life's going to be way better in the long term.
Laura Dugger: I think you're kind of leading us into, I believe it's chapter nine, where you get so practical about implementing this and educating us on the importance of mental health and brain health, but helping us to be proactive to improve those areas. You list natural ways. I'll just go over a few of these that I've gleaned from chapter nine and I'd love to hear you go a little bit deeper on whichever one jumps out. [00:52:07]
Even as simple as eating protein that supports it. You talk about eating lots of protein and produce, the importance of having other high quality calories, and limiting sugar or anything boxed or processed. That's the section where you do go into limiting screens. And then also maximizing time with healthy people and maximizing time outdoors and getting physical exercise, investing in friendships, staying hydrated. Again, simple one. That is where you talk about getting plenty of sleep. Those are just some examples.
Dr. Charles Fay: Things that are best for us, we look at them like, oh man, do I really have to do that? There's this tension inside of us and it's so easy for us to get rebellious. So one thing I want to be really clear is we're not reaching to you and saying you have to do this, if you don't do this, you're a bad person, that sort of thing. That's not what this is all about. [00:53:19]
But I will say, how can I make the choices that ultimately bring glory to God? The healthier I am physically, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, the more likely that I am going to be able to do that in ways that I feel good about.
Laura Dugger: Dr. Charles, there is just so much that we could continue to glean as wisdom from you. So where are some places you could direct us after this conversation if we want to continue learning more?
Dr. Charles Fay: Well, the book that I have here, again, it's just packed full of stuff. Practical. It's called, I don't know if you can see it or not, Raising Mentally Strong Kids. It's got a long subtitle. [00:54:15] If you look anywhere online, you're going to see that Daniel Amen, MD, Charles Fay, PhD, Raising Mentally Strong Kids. You're going to find that anywhere quality books are sold.
You can find out about Love and Logic by going to loveandlogic.com or you can look at danielamenmd.com or all over the web, you can find us there. And I think you'll enjoy the book because we've made mistakes, we've learned from millions of parents and years of research.
Laura Dugger: Well, thank you truly for this resource. It is chock full of goodness and wisdom and experience, and that is a labor of love. So I appreciate that. We'll also link to all of these places in the show notes for today's episode.
But you also are aware that we're called The Savvy Sauce because "savvy" is synonymous with practical knowledge or insight. So as my final question for you today, Dr. Fay, what is your savvy sauce? [00:55:26]
Dr. Charles Fay: Oh, well, I have to say there's so many times where I find myself thinking, I don't know what to do. Any of you have that experience? You feel like the world is crashing down on you and I don't know what to do. There's no clear direction here in one way or another. So one of the things I want to say loud and clear is that my savvy sauce is saying to myself, "Lord, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you." Because I'm not smart enough to handle all this. But He'll guide us.
Laura Dugger: So good. Lord, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you. Thank you. You've given us so many, even one-liners that are memorable. So we can take this and apply it. And you've given a lot of encouragement to us as parents. So I'm grateful for your time and I just want to say thank you for being my guest. [00:56:29]
Dr. Charles Fay: Oh, thank you, Laura. Just a real blessing. Thanks for watching and listening to everybody. We're so thankful for you. Take care.
Laura Dugger: One more thing before you go. Have you heard the term "gospel" before? It simply means good news. And I want to share the best news with you. But it starts with the bad news. Every single one of us were born sinners, but Christ desires to rescue us from our sin, which is something we cannot do for ourselves.
This means there is absolutely no chance we can make it to heaven on our own. So, for you and for me, it means we deserve death and we can never pay back the sacrifice we owe to be saved. We need a Savior.
But God loved us so much, He made a way for His only Son to willingly die in our place as the perfect substitute. This gives us hope of life forever in right relationship with Him. That is good news. [00:57:28]
Jesus lived the perfect life we could never live and died in our place for our sin. This was God's plan to make a way to reconcile with us so that God can look at us and see Jesus. We can be covered and justified through the work Jesus finished if we choose to receive what He has done for us.
Romans 10:9 says that if you confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved.
So would you pray with me now? Heavenly Father, thank You for sending Jesus to take our place. I pray someone today right now is touched and chooses to turn their life over to You. Will You clearly guide them and help them take their next step in faith to declare You as Lord of their life? We trust You to work and change lives now for eternity. In Jesus' name we pray. Amen. [00:58:27]
If you prayed that prayer, you are declaring Him for me, so me for Him. You get the opportunity to live your life for Him. And at this podcast, we're called The Savvy Sauce for a reason. We want to give you practical tools to implement the knowledge you have learned. So you ready to get started?
First, tell someone. Say it out loud. Get a Bible. The first day I made this decision, my parents took me to Barnes & Noble and let me choose my own Bible. I selected the Quest NIV Bible, and I love it. You can start by reading the Book of John.
Also, get connected locally, which just means tell someone who's a part of a church in your community that you made a decision to follow Christ. I'm assuming they will be thrilled to talk with you about further steps, such as going to church and getting connected to other believers to encourage you.
We want to celebrate with you too, so feel free to leave a comment for us here if you did make a decision to follow Christ. We also have show notes included where you can read Scripture that describes this process. [00:59:28]
Finally, be encouraged. Luke 15:10 says, "In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents." The heavens are praising with you for your decision today.
If you've already received this good news, I pray that you have someone else to share it with today. You are loved and I look forward to meeting you here next time.